"it is sobering to realize that many of the personality traits we have come to believe are us, and perhaps even take pride in, actually bear the scars of where we lost connection to ourselves, way back when"
it is more sobering to realize the contribution of parenting has been revealed to be minimal. it's genes, peer group and the rest of our idiosyncratic environment that shape us. misleading content.
@@andro.5678 Are you trying to actually provide the notion that parenting is not a part of that environment? Yeah okay, that tells me you were raised by pretty average, run of the mill parents. You're one of the lucky ones and don't know it, because if you knew what life you could be living right now, you wouldn't say that stupid shit lol.
It is both terrifying and liberating to know that we aren't defined by traits. It's scary to know we are constantly redefining ourselves, but there's hope in knowing we aren't prisoners to our labels
My solution to this tension has always been to be a person that I MYSELF can respect. To BE a genuinely good person mainly for the sake of my own sanity and self esteem. It's a wierd sort of self-serving altruism. To hold myself accountable & forgive myself when I fall short. It is also to take pride in my efforts and my intentions rather than the results.
Yeah that’s what “be yourself” means. It means abide by your conscience, not “do whatever whatever you feel like” of course that’s an unimaginably shallow philosophy.
I stopped opening up to people because a lot are entitled, manipulative, and deceitful. Every time I express myself I end up being judged, or misunderstood. Not everyone has the depth or patience to understand you.
Worse even, some people profit off you opening up and when you expect it less, they might turn your confession against you. People can be real snakes nowadays so it is better to keep cartain things to ourselves.
this is true of most people, but there are a few who make opening up worth it. but it's so very difficult identifying those, and the stakes are high. so yeah, i mostly just dont open up either.
I feel like when you come at people with kindness, acceptance and vulnerability it makes it really difficult for them to judge you without making themselves feel like bad people. It’s a circle of positivity. Relying on people is a different story, but if you accept momentarily kindness and appreciation for what it is, it might help your happiness, at least that’s how it is for me.
I've learned over the years (I'm 26 now) that ppl are each other's weapons. I'm opening up to people more easily after 2 years of slowly understanding my personal expectations around people. You should always only expect the unexpected, see people more or less exhausted of wearing their mask. Some individuals are prideful assholes, some are suffering and reflecting their anger towards others. Some are simply lazy working on themselves and some are depressed and truly hurt inside. The best thing I finally understood about myself if you can't help other don't, the best thing you can do is listen and care to remember what they said even if it seems insignificant. You can't help others if you can't help yourself.
If you want to be accepted as yourself you need to accept others as themselves. Make the people around you feel like they can be imperfect and fail and you won’t be judgmental. The change starts with each of us
@@senzation01Nobody says that, maddieb simply stated what can be summarized as an echo of one's own actions: if you treat someone horribly, they will likely treat you horribly as well. Treat them well and you can expect to be treated well. Set boundaries if need be, though. That is how we can be liked by others and accepted for who we are; by accepting those around us without giving into pressure or caring too little.
Load of idealistic BS. So what happens when you encounter someone who is inherently sociopathic? Just embrace them for whom they are? Boundaries and conditionality exist for a reason.
@@DHFreaki exactly, their are all types of people in the world. Some will love you, some would hate you. You will not be liked by everyone, not without hating yourself. It's something people have to accept.
“Be yourself” is a poorly worded proverb that advises you to abide by your conscience. Nobody in their right mind thinks it means “do whatever the hell you please whenever you want”. Obviously acting that way is unacceptable, you would be the biggest douchebag on the face of the earth if you did. And not because you are a victim of society but because that’s what douchebags do.
What i learned from my 6 year long relationship and social interaction in general (and this will sound harsh): Is that people don't like you for who you are, they tolerate you for whatever good you bring to their life and cut you when you are not that good anymore. I used to complain about that for a long time, how being human is being a selfish interested creature, but then i realized: I am not that good myself, and people don't have to accept me for who i am (not even my closest most loved person), changing things about yourself can be good, but not being a people pleaser. Be nice to other people but be authentic with yourself.
Nah I'm still pretty sure society is a pile of junk motivated by primal survival instincts and the fear of being left alone. I loved in my relationships in spite of my ex-partners consistent self preference, people never loved me like that. I hold grudges for what I experienced in my romantic and interpersonal relationship, and changing oneself is not always the solution. Finding a person that still holds the romantic partner as important as them is the rarest gem in nature.
I think someone choosing you (as a friend, an associate, a partner) and making sacrifices for you _because_ you bring a lot of good into their life is the most valuable thing a person can experience. People who are afraid of this are usually so because they realize they don't bring much into their relationships. Everyone should strive to give more than they receive and ensure that the people they associate with are doing the same; my absolute best relationships have been founded on that principle.
'Be nice to other people but authentic to yourself' damn this is the perfect way yo describe the attitude i took that drastically improved my life. You can still be authentic and love yourself while being considerate to others and putting your best foot forward. And if you can't do those things simultaneously you probably have some healing to do (i sure did).
> mask yourself > meet soneone you like > remove the mask > see how the person reacts > if they like your true self, attempt relationship > realise that both of you don't like every aspect of each other > Communicate > Compromise > Reflect > Be happy while being yourself✅
@@authaire hmm fair, you're probably way ahead of a lot of people if you got that far. I'm still stuck at some weird 'step 2.5' short stop where I keep falling for ones that turn out to be lesbians. Lmao somebody provide insight, these steps are botched
What if i showed up as myself, and the other person liked me. But he never showed up as his-pure-self. Is that fair? Or should I be unbrothered thinking that I am living my somewhat authentic life and to hell with him.
@@vincent_catto In my experience, you notice if someone is truly being themself or staging to be someone they are not for you. If you have no reason to think that it is staged, be happy. If you think that he is not himself ask about it. Maybe he naturally changed because of your influence (that doesn't need to be a bad thing as long as he isn't forcing himself to be different for you). If you are convinced he is faking a personality for you it might lead to problems later on so I guess it would be wise to bring it up at some point. I am no expert though. It's just my experience from two long term relationships.
Kind of unrelated but I realized a lot of people thought "I'm bad, so I need to work hard to be good and accepted." Whereas my mindset was more "I'm bad, so I need to stop interacting with people so they don't get hurt or disappointed." This video made me rethink some things
I definitely have this approach. In fact, my masks are worn most when I'm around those I love and have important relationships with because I fear damaging those relationships by revealing my brokenness. Around strangers I'm my strange self because I have nothing to lose and only relationships to gain.
dude, idk abt the times socrates lived in but, in todays world those who need it the most will still choose status quo if you offer genuine love that would need them to take down their masks. unmasking for them feels more dangerous than being unloved which has by now become a compromise.
@@ranirathi3379 I mean thats mostly true, but there is no contradiction with what Socrates said. They are hardest to love exactly because of their insecurities causing mistrust. They need love, but afraid to be betrayed more. Sometimes you can break this ice, sometimes your best still wouldnt be enough. And its only up to you to decide, is it even worth trying.
I just had a giant fight on Christmas Day with my mother because I "stepped out of line" and expressed my feelings and it "ruined everything" I really needed this, thank you
My fella, it's not your fault that somebody had their day ruined because of you showing emotions. Repressing emotions is such a bullshit idea ingrained in our brains. Denying yourself is the worst shit out there that one could ever fathom.
F**k her. Mothers are very manipulative and strategic. Ignore her and do you. Don't let her manipulate you. She craves control and sees you as someone who she can control. Even if you did something wrong, doesn't mean you get treated like that.
I will never get over how perfectly timed These Videos are. I can be dealing with an issue or struggling with a concept and suddenly a Video discussing the exact topic or something related to it comes out. The amount of times I've been surprised by how appealing and accurate some of the titles Sound to my current Situation is honestly getting rather scary xd
I truly agree , tho isn't it a bit strange . That the algorithm just knows what you truly need at times . I know it might be a coincidence but it could be the other . But anyway , if it does truly help , I am all for it
@@nitishkumarsharma7279 yes I definitely agree. Still, sometimes it feels kinda special when you're really dealing with something and he somehow manages to drop a Video on the exact topic during that time.
“If I had a prayer, it would be this: ‘God, spare me from the desire for love, approval, and appreciation. Amen.’” -Byron Katie. I’m a woman, and this quote from her helped me immensely. My anxiety level plummeted and has been very low ever since.
I started being unapologetically myself when I got to college. A lot of people did not like me for it. But a lot of people did, and because they liked me for me, those relationships became extra meaningful and genuine. I like to think that I'd rather have 15 amazing ones rather than 100 good/ok ones. I am happier this way.
how you define being "yourself" is crucial. in my opinion being yourself is all in the behavior you CHOOSE. We all have impulsive thoughts but much more of your moral character shown in how you filter. Filtering to an extent is healthy and is done out of compassion. the reason I dont act out when im angry is because its damaging to the people around me. In this way im being my compassionate SELF by filtering.
It is very good and that’s how I have always viewed myself. The only problem, which I am just figuring out now, is that this has lead me to accept and endure so much abuse that I turned all the emotions associated with it against myself so I became angry at myself for not speaking out and protecting my boundaries and needs. Right now I’m trying to learn when it is justified to feel anger and how to express it in a non-explosive way so that doesn’t happen anymore.
@@swzslm1741it can be a very fine line to read. Especially when our mental lens isn’t exactly clear or objective. The negativity in my head at times FEELS so justified, till I can calm down and realize it might’ve been my own preconceived biases against myself or others.
@@shineinouzen7412I have a problem where I assume this process is inevitable rather than potential. Essentially, no matter what someone has done to me I assume if my reaction is negative it’s incorrect and I’m irrational and biased, or at the very least selfish. Acting, or not acting enough out of self doubt is also a doctor in the equation i think.
It is highly dependent on the situation, the people involved, and the relationship between them so I can't say what the best way for everyone is but... For me the "healthy" way to deal with this is to express my anger/fear/whatever in the moment, and accept that it will typically be met by the other person's emotion in return (or if you overwhelm them, they may just withdraw). Then, at some later point when we've both cooled off a bit (can be minutes later or weeks later, but ideally as soon as you both feel ok doing so) we return to the issue and explain how we felt, why we got upset, often there is some element of "when you say that it makes me feel like you are trying to change me/don't have confidence in me" which should be expressed. One or both people may end up apologizing for things they said in the heat of the moment - that can happen, it doesn't mean you're a bad person. And in the end, if it's someone you're close to, the exact same issue may come up again sometime because just going through this doesn't magically fix all the insecurities that are behind the anger, but at least you'll understand each other's point of view better and hopefully progress a bit each time.
Making notes: 1. Face the voices of childhood trauma and separate them from yourself 2. Your life and health/well-being is yours and not something you exchange for love and validation 3. Don’t use shame and guilt as a way to punish or “discipline” yourself. Or at least not on the little things
True. If you're life is nothing but a role you play, you won't feel truly loved. People can only love the the 'you' that you show them. Only when you drop the act and embrace your true self will you know that if people still love you, then they love the real you. Only then will you feel loved...
With my autism I find it difficult to filter or hide myself. I don’t like the idea of having to waste time or effort in pretending to be a more conventional person for strangers until they get to know me. People will find out who you are eventually. Don’t waste time on others who will end up disliking you. Be yourself unapologetically first and you’ll develop really strong connections with those who like you wholeheartedly and completely while pushing those away that won’t.
@@ramendude4062 I've noticed that, in my case, inhibitions are usually what causes it to be such a problem. I figured it out after getting high and going to social settings. When that happens, in that altered state of mind, the autism no longer holds me back. It frees me from my own self-imposed chains and allows me to be who I am, without regards as to what people will think. I think medication is probably the way to go to mitigate the mental blocks that hold people back. The trauma from childhood is definitely something else though (in my case). Not even therapy could touch that for me.
its not like people choose to have social anxiety or always choose to mask dude its something that just happens and if you watched the video youd have heard him say that
Wow. I recently had a moment of wisdom and told a loved one: "Helping them 24/7 doesn't make you a good person because you don't do it for them, you do it for yourself, because you hate yourself and need to feel a little worthy. That's why you do it angry, that's why it means nothing to you and you feel stuck. Because you don't do it out of love, you do it because it's the only thing you have. I think if you had boundaries, if you started living your own life, you would still help them and it would feel good, because you are actually good."
I've found that the answer to this dillema is to give yourself time to be alone and enjoy things in your own way. There's a time to be (and love) yourself and there's a time to be loved by others. If you can't do both simultaneously, do them separately, but make sure you do both. I've also found that meditating is very helpful and precious - one might say it's the ultimate form of "me time".
This is the comment! I just realized last week that I have never done both (I just turned 38 on the 13th). All my life my focus has been outward and only this spring did it begin to be on me. I’ll say a traumatic event forced me to be alone. I’m starting to enjoy the thought that I can be happy and alone, not just sad and alone. I told someone that eventually I will integrate those skills and do them simultaneously. 🤞🏽It’s just not feasible for me today and that has to be ok bec it’s where I am mentally.
As someone who grew up with pretty high functioning autism, this actually wasn’t a very big issue for me. I knew I was different from others and simply couldn’t care less. Even if I didn’t always feel as though I fit in properly, I sternly held my ground and kept to my interests and personality traits. This isn’t to say that there wasn’t sacrifice involved. I’m eighteen and have yet to be in a relationship. But quite frankly I would rather die a painful death than give up that which makes me who I am.
I can relate to this heavily. There was a point where I just kind of gave up and tried to forget everything I loved, liked and things that made me me, and I guess different and weird to other people. especially being divergent and not understanding social skills. But about a year ago I came to the realization that trying to be something I wasn't made me feel empty, and I've been spending the time since to re-figure out what makes me me and I have to say I haven't been this happy in a long time, and its helped me so much with making new friends. I still have a lot of things to learn, but at lest now I can be myself. I think the whole being in a relationship thing never made sense to me until I literally started being myself and figuring out who I was and what I liked. Other than that I never saw the point in relationships, especially during middle and high school. I dont think anyone really understands or knows what they want or who they are to possible even start thinking about adding someone into their life. I dont know, I'm still figuring it out at 21, others can feel free to jump in.
@@malaksafa4074 as a high-functioning autistic person, I can agree that the term isn't the best depending on how you look at it. But it's just what everyone uses and psychology uses so it's just the term you have to stick to.
I used to think like this about certain videos too, but the truth is that these things are a perpetual crisis. You're always thinking about it to some degree, because this kind of topic can encompass every part of your life.
Honestly the biggest thing that made me happy was entirely stopping caring about the approval of others. It's kind of a fitness strat to only care about impressing yourself, I started using that for everything. I'd rather be myself and find the one in one million person that I connect with, than wear a mask and be someone I'm not. I used to have that problem all the time when I was growing up, I used to write about feeling as though I was putting on masks for every interaction, that there was no real me. Then I started just truly being myself, not caring about those that made fun of me because they'd make fun of me no matter what I course of action I chose. I started having people flock to me because I was just being genuine. The older I have gotten the more people realize I was right. If you find something cool, lean into it. If someone doesn't agree, who cares. I come at it from the perspective that I find most of the movies other people watch entirely brain rotting and vacuous, if I'm allowed to disagree with what you like, you can disagree with what I like. Now mind you it took a long long time to get to the point I truly didn't care. I smoked weed for about 5 years straight because of the pain of feeling like I had no-one I could genuinely relate to. But since I've been sober I realized that I don't need that relationship, I don't need someone to agree with me on everything. If we just can agree on a few points that's good enough. The differences are what makes us human, it's what makes it worthwhile to talk to people. When Alan Watts was asked what sort of people should we make by a geneticist the big thing he responded was "make them different". Because for the world to function we need people of varying interests. We need someone that is obsessed with transportation to revitalize public transportation, a musically inclined person to create a song for us to listen, a person suited to middle management, etc, etc, etc. Each and every one is needed for the whole to prosper. I myself am a sumo wrestler, a comic artist, and a long distance hiker. I once thought of how funny it was, but now I really couldn't see any other path, any other road which looks nearly as interesting to me specifically. I love fighting down to the deepest part of my soul, I love drawing and creating entire worlds, and I love hiking to the point I want to just live in the wilderness most days. The fact that I am a rare combination of interests only emboldens me, as I have always strived to not even be interchangeable with the top 1% of a given pursuit. I have always yearned to be so different that my name will be remembered long after I'm dead, it's why I used to leaderboard chase in games trying to get the number one spot. I desperately more than anything want to inspire someone long after my death. Now to watch the rest of the video, cuz I only watched to 1:49 before commenting rofl.
Completely agree my friend. Diversity is nature's greatest and strongest attribute. Without it, all living systems cease to function or even exist. The tensions are great! I'm still learning and weaning off weed myself since I genuinely only love life when I don't talk very much and only vibe -- but so much of my culture has no idea how to dance. I'm finding that the only solution is cheesy but true -- to just dance and see who joins in. No hard feelings about passing it up, but if it's your vibe, then it's your vibe. :)
You are awesome! A genuine self is the key to life in my eyes. If you can truly love and appreciate all parts of yourself then what do you have to worry about? That's why it's important to let parts of yourself die. The parts that strike you and surprise you with their negative intentions or actions. I feel as I let these detrimental sectors of my being fade away, I get closer to the true gift of finding myself fully. Drawing and hiking are the shit, my two favourite hobbies along with makin' music. Keep on your path, and you will be remembered by humans and spirits alike, take it easy and merry christmas :)
9:17 this resonated with me. I've been living in Japan for the past 10 years and there is very strong social pressure to not stand out in the crowd. There is even a famous saying about a nail that sticks out will eventually get hammered down. Your commentary made me wonder what kind of centuries of generational trauma have people lived here through to impose this as a universal rule.
I've felt the most alone when with other people. I let my personality be squashed by others, and it made me sick. It took me a while to realise that real friendship depends on respect, and that no one can respect someone who doesn't respect themselves.
I don't know if this relates to the video but I honestly genuinely cried when I discovered that everybody was growing up and that in the world of adults real emotions like anger and fear are not fully accepted or understood. I was always the bad person for crying out of anger and fear, while others kept thing for themself and never let vulnerability get the best of them. I genuinely cried because I felt so alone in these sentiments, and after that period passed there was shame and guilt all over me. Now I wonder if I can ever be that vulnerable with anyone or If I have to grow up just like everybody else. This adult vision of the world I cannot stand.
Yeah I struggle to deal with adults and the adult world. Life is so much simpler and thus happier with the well-wishing and genuineness that most kids have.
If you open up and allow yourself to be vulnerable to someone and they don’t accept you, that is entirely on them. And there isn’t much you can do about that except move on. It may be painful and you might not find someone that accepts you for a while, but there will be people out there who are willing to accept you. All you can do is give them a chance
Ah yes keeping things feelings for yourself and not being vulnerable Yeah I don't find this adult I just find this annoying Like having feelings wasn't what makes humans what they are I'm not saying you shouldn't grow up but if growing up means trying to not feel or to bottle up feelings then that's just not the right one
It was also sad for me to see how "adults" are so in compassionate. My cope is just understanding that there are those who feel like we do and those who don't. I've stayed my genuine self and in the world you'll find others who are the same. You'll notice them right away because they understand you , it just seems that alot of people are less vulnerable because its safer for them or just how they are. Or other times you just need to stay yourself so they can show you who they really are
Something that took me a very long time to learn is to advocate for myself and set boundaries.I grew up autistic and with high anxiety because of how different I was from my peers, when I first learned I was autistic (around elementary school) my reaction was “so that’s what’s wrong with me, that’s why everything’s so hard” it was an explanation for my differences but it didn’t change how people saw me. No matter what I did or how “good” I was. I was never happy or made any long lasting connections and everyone including myself just felt fake. Being yourself is the hardest thing to learn to do because there are people who are going to be against who you are or their vision of you is shattered when you evolve from your false identity. To anyone going through this I wish you the power to embrace yourself and your happiness. It. Is. Worth. It.
Thank you. I struggle With harassment although. Three days into my New place and already argued With a neighbour. Loud music, shit isolation, sociopath tendencies. Started recording before i went to see him (went yesterday and today as he made loud noises for the Last three days). Im sick of that sh*t
i can relate. its so hard to see everyone flow with eachother so well, while i feel im like going against the grain. every interaction has me questioning if i said the right response or if im likable enough for my weirdness to be accepted. i see the way people look at me and it's genuinely painful. i wish i wasnt born like this so badly. it's no wonder autistic people's suicide rates are so high.
As a people pleaser myself, I heavily relate to all of the traits you mentioned. I have been trying to learn how to be myself for the last 19 years of my life, but each time I seem to hit a brick wall, and there's some other excuse coming up for why this is the case. I was bullied through elementary school, developed social anxiety at the age of 15 and have been a shut in for the last 5 years of my life. Since I remember myself I wanted to be loved by everyone. I was the socially awkward guy who was only invited to gatherings because he literally begged to, and eventually I realized people mostly hang out with me out of pity. I didn't want that to be the case, so I just ended up cutting myself from everyone else. Now I realize I have a problem being vulnerable due to my upbringing and childhood bullying, which leads me to avoid situations where I am prone to open up. For the last few years I have been on a personal journey to fix that, but it's a long one. I have sacrificed a lot in search of my inner voice, and will continue to commit sacrifices, yet I regret nothing. We only have one life, so better make it worthwhile
Listen to Jordan Peterson. You need to start picking up responsibility, and pursuing God. You need order, and unobtainable ideal to progess towards, and responsibility to shoulder and then you'll start finding things making sense. This is how people work psychologically. Happiness comes from seeing yourself moving towards a goal, with greater goals providing greater happiness. Hence the importance of God even psychologically, to then have the greatest possible goal to constantly inch towards.
hey, same case with you. During my elementary years and even hs I also experienced bullying but when I got into College I’ve met a lot of wonderful people whom I called now friends. Hope you’re doing good now!💗
This feels so relatable to me. I went through relationships and friendships with the exact same cycle you explained. I'm a loner for like 2 years now, i don't meet, talk or date anyone. I feel lonely, yes. But at the same time it feels like i have a weight taken off my shoulders and not worrying about all the social things a person usually does.
It's not true because it's not a linear operation. You can't expect that from other people. Only you can provide that for yourself. You have to be your own beginning and end, and other people have a place alongside you in that journey, but are not the end goal.
@@JaimeareRainey The belief that everyone is just entitled to be loved for no reason is synonymous with the destruction of aspiration. Why would anyone aspire to anything if it’s worth just as much admiration as not doing anything at all? Also if you think you should be loved for no reason that’s narcissistic.
@isaac webber I don't think there's anything wrong to say everyone deserves love. The issue is when we believe that we deserve a certain person's love or attention.
i would never comment on instagram posts or youtube videos that spoke to me - because i feared that people were gonna think i was weird. its something i learned in the past months: creators are just as human as me and it often means the world to them when hearing that their content moved me. so thank you for this video. it explained a lot, showed new ideas, ways of coping with this etc. truly amazing💕
the contribution of parenting has been revealed to be minimal. it's genes, peer group and the rest of our idiosyncratic environment that shape us. misleading content.
@@andro.5678 do you have a source? cause i dont think that most therapists i know are working with something thats wrong, also their ideas/the ideas of this video make a lot of sense
I've always felt that my true self is boring. I've never been able to talk about my interest in a way that made others interested because I myself have always thought that I am not interesting and I should listen to others to find out what is interesting. My long time friends have been interested in me and the things I have to say yet I can not bring myself to believe it. I find it crippling when I try to meet new people or potential romantic partners because once the conversation leads to me I can not talk anymore. Not really sure if this is relevant to the video but it's how I feel and I want to share it.
This is how I've felt a whole lot of my life and I'm still trying to learn how to believe that what I like is interesting. It's interesting enough for me to enjoy it, why wouldn't someone else?
Aa someone without friends I say embrace yourself no matter how boring it may be. A wise monk worry's not themselves with the others view that the life they lead is wasted. Live passionately, and forget about the judgements others will hold.
I have had the belief that I'm a boring dummy since my 15 years or so. People would keep talking about themselves, about their passions, and would interrupt me when I would put in something of my own or just flat out dismiss that shit and keep talking about themselves. Sad part is, I genuinely wish I could communicate with someone so that my feelings and desires would resonate with them. Instead, my fear of coming out boring is perceived as humility - a would-be positive trait - not as a sign of discomfort. That's why for the past 3 weeks I have largely been doing stuff that I would dismiss at some other time for whatever reasons. I bought myself some beautiful flowers, which I wouldn't in the past (for the flowers are expensive as heck this winter and others had told me all the time that flowers are girls-only shit); bought myself some nice videogames, which I wouldn't in the past (for I had listened to folks saying that games are for losers and are a waste of time); the list goes on. Screw this world. My life is very long and I wouldn't want to be subjected to even more suffering from that nagging need to conform to someone's beliefs. My life has been a bloody hell this 2022, so I would advise all of my relatives and friends to consider the Me of 2022 dead and the Me of 2023 born anew.
The feeling has to be mutual. Forcing someone to love you who has no intention of doing so is where we mess up and misinterpret. You can't make anyone do anything. Not for long. We all have rebellion deep down. And if you aren't on the same page with someone, you'll know.
This...this is it. This is what has confused me for a very long time, this and conflating my desires with who I truly am. I think the easiest way to know who you are or who your real self is, is to know exactly what you are not...this means looking at other people and being sincere with whether or not you are truly that.
Your real self is whoever you choose to be. Your real self is the voice inside your head that's asking that question. It's upto you to chose to be a person who doesn't let himself be harmed while also not letting others be harmed
This is the most important video I’ve seen in a long time. I try my best not to apply videos to myself in a flippant “litterally me” esque manner, but this fits almost perfectly the path and my discussions in therapy. Thank you this, it is unbelievably eye opening.
the contribution of parenting has been revealed to be minimal. it's genes, peer group and the rest of our idiosyncratic environment that shape us. misleading content. as therapy can sometimes be as well, by the way. best of luck.
When my toddler is screaming and mad, I ask him what's wrong. He isn't used to emotions, and he doesn't have the skills to handle them. My role as a dad is to teach, not to put him in storage until he's easy.
the contribution of parenting has been revealed to be minimal. it's genes, peer group and the rest of our idiosyncratic environment that shape us. misleading content. just try not be a d to your child.
I see the title and I already feel like I’ve been stabbed in the heart How does this video’s title manage to articulate how I feel in a way I’ve never quite been able to
7:27 i have wondered about that for a long time… the paradox where we want to feel special but want to fit in, but how can you both be unique and similar at the same time? To me, it’s evidence of the absurd nature of our existence; it’s a chaotic and impossible task to achieve both, (but we strive for it desperately), therefore making it all meaningless…
I grew up as a people pleaser because of my parents and those around me and after finally being able to be myself i am definitely more happy after giving up on trying to change people or make others proud. Prioritizing myself for things that matter to me and focusing on taking care of myself is the best solution. Obviously i still care for others but i know now not to over do it and not let their opinions get to me.
Most people can only be themselves around their immediate family, because they're the only ones who won't abandon you. But, if your family is unhealthy, toxic, or even abusive, then you're never able to have that breathing room. I understand this, but then what? does that mean I and anyone in this spot are just doomed?
Blood family and family are 2 different things. If your blood family is toxic, than you need to separate yourself and find your true family. Cutting ties entirely isn't always healthy though, but separating yourself enough to get that breathing room always is. I personally just found some luckily, after a good 7 years of hating the situation I was in and looking negatively at myself. I found it through friends from another city who I opened up to, and can visit regularly, and through a small coffee-shop music group who meet and hang out. It's not an easy thing and you won't know it immediately, but the signs to "true family" will be there and the end result is worth the chase.
I'm late I know but I was just recommended this video. I have been a similar family situation for so long that I had to grow up to realize that my family situation wasn't healthy. Making time for myself has been so vital tho. Time alone with my thoughts through meditation and journaling. And really getting down to the core of who I am and what I need. As difficult as it will be, I suggest getting to know yourself and loving yourself. And then distancing yourself from the negativity.
Such an important topic! For a long time I desperately tried to be loved by everyone. I read a lot of books and watched many videos on how to be likable. In the end it made me deeply unhappy. I felt more lonely than ever before because I didn‘t feel comfortable being myself anymore even with the people who already love me for me. All those books told me how much I should talk, how my body should move and which topics should be avoided during a conversation. I still get the desire to be liked by everyone because of personal self-esteem issues but I know it won‘t make me happy. Be kind to everyone but focus on the people you already got. You should never feel like there is something inherently wrong with you in any type of relationship you enter.
You should be more forgiving to yourself for not meeting the "likeability" standards of others. People are fickle and if you are happy with who you are and what you do, embrace the passions you feel in life, and when others see the genuine joy that you experience that will want to experience it vicariously, and thus like what you embody, and who you are. Never give up, never surrender, and find a moment in the storm that is life to truly smile for yourself. Time is so much shorter than any of us would like to admit, spend it living for you.
We all are self centered to a certain extent, so I usually thought I somehow was just out of touch with reality and mentally ill. These exact descriptions provided in the video and the explanations behind them make me so glad that this is something that others struggle with as well. Recently, getting older I’ve been reflecting back on why I am the way that I am, and never really thought about if I somehow lost myself because of survival mechanisms from childhood. I like being generous and caring and all those things, but somewhere deep inside it’s because I was never able to fit in and I need to do these things to feel “worthy”. Really trying to work past this but it is so difficult, but therapy absolutely helps and I recommend it to everyone. If anyone has any tips feel free to respond. Thank you for this video.
The best viewpoint I can come up with is "what would I love in someone else?" I would try to apply these to myself, however I can, sometimes these thoughts can be unrealistic and so you want to simplify it down. i.e: "I want a rich partner" "I want to feel safe". Theres a lot of crap that I still do that I dislike, but im also trying to find a way around to improve and be better. If you really want to find the best person, be the best YOU first. And its not easy, none of this is easy, you will still fall into pitfalls where you think "whats the point", and thats the test. The test to see how far you can get yourself out, not for anyone, but for YOU.
by being yourself you naturally create boundaries to people that would not be good for you. people with similar boundaries to yours may be compatible to you and pass the test for genuine friendship.
A person once told me: "[People] like you because you're authentic." When I heard that I didn't know if I should laugh or cry. In the end I didn't really react to it, but that moment stuck with me.
These videos are genuinely incredible, the amount of research and analysis done behind the scenes is clear yet it stil ends in an easily digestible video that conveys an interesting and valuable insight
well, contribution of parenting has been revealed to be minimal. it's genes, peer group and the rest of our idiosyncratic environment that shape us. misleading content, actually.
I had a complex upbringing, with several problems including addiction in the family, verbal and mental abuse and a very shocking shift from child wonder into below-average teen. I felt like love was what could save me, love coming from my external social and family bubble. Acceptance was key to my happiness, I believed. It took more tragedy to understand that other people are going through as much or worse than I, and that forgiveness and empathy had lifted this horrible burden from my shoulders and let me be more myself, without this hunger to be loved. It's freeing to understand I don't need or even crave that sort of recognition. I'm just another human being in the world, my brain is just another human brain among the billions living today, and those who lived before and will live in the future. Peace with this side of myself allowed me to find peace overall. I still have my opinions and views, I'm still changing and hopefully growing as a person. But it's no longer a rush to find that one situation, that one person or persons who can make me happy. Now that I'm okay with me, I don't really need anyone else to do it. If I find people that I enjoy spending time with, and they feel the same about me, that's perfect. Otherwise, it's not a big deal either, and I just need to not be a nuisance to anyone I cross paths with. For most of us, life only becomes torture if others' expectations dominate our decisions and determine our path. If someone need you to change in order to love you, then they never did, nor ever will love _you_ , just what you're pretending to be. And the prospect of pretending my way through life sounds awful.
@@Palmieres For me, who is in a similar situation to the one described, but I've given up on finding it and changed into something like: Oh, if love's overrated, what else do I have to look forward to? I don't particularly want to find meaning in a job, or through activism, or a hobby. So what else?
Wide is the space between the two poles of honest expression and self repression, boundaries have to be drawn, neither being too repressive nor letting our deep desires and emotions control us.
It's weird because there was a time where I was very bitter because I had no friends and I pushed everyone away and was very cynical and jealous of other people, but I was unhappy the whole time and I felt like I was repressing my feelings. I feel I was being unauthentic because I didn't try to love and I kept myself in a shell. Then I opened myself up to new things and met new friends. So I feel that loving and being compassionate makes me happy because to me it is being authentic.
I'm at a loss for words. This has completely changed how I view my life and motivation. You've given me a base to explore who I am, what I want, and why I want it. This is one of the most influential media I've ever digested
man this video kept hitting at me in every point you made, i am a type-c and had recently went through a relationship where my self validation and value was tied in to another person's compassion. the effort i put in was always to the other person to feel this self-validation rather than to myself. i was seemingly happy before it ended, and felt horrible after it ended. as the relationship was gone, all my self-value was gone too. but as months gone by self reflecting, i was not in a good place at all during all of that. using 2023 to kinda try doing things for myself and giving myself time to recover from years of stagnation through this mentality. thank you for this amazing video, i felt it through every word.
good god does this hit me where it hurts-in almost all my relationships, i mold myself to fit a need in that person’s life so that i feel *needed*. my best friend and i are very very close and we’ve shared a lot of ugliness with each other, but i’ve found myself so dependent on that relationship that i won’t ever bring up concerns i have with them, things that they’re doing that hurt me. i realize it’s bad, but somewhere deep and important i believe that if i don’t just take the hits, then they won’t want to be with me anymore and they’ll leave. i am able to rationalize, to say “they love me, and i love them, and i have a basic survival instinct that says i should act on my feelings, and if they’re a good friend they shouldn’t become overly defensive if i have to confront them,” but i don’t actually believe it in that deep, important part of me. i also see this tendency in my relationship with my parents. on the surface everything is fine and we get along very well, but i harbor some resentment or anger towards them because they don’t love me the way i (think/feel i) need to be loved. they will never be able to accept or understand all of me, which is why i self-edit in order to be the daughter they want, even the daughter they need so they feel they’re doing a good job parenting me. lordy, in the end, everyone is some variety of messy and traumatized.
Been in the similar situation right now but I learned I need to be satisfied with the Lord and search his kingdom firstly (Walking in the spirit not the flesh) and maybe we might be the person for someone so we may guide them in the Lord (a Christian one) and not be unequally yoked
i try and just be as open of a book as i can be when meeting someone. if i can’t act fully weird around u then u deserve to get filtered out anyway. this has made me exponentially more lonely but i know i’m not unlovable. i don’t care how many people don’t fw what i do anymore i don’t have the energy to put on a mask.
I am kind of doing my transition to get out of this kind of people pleaser axiety thing, recently. I think the only thing that helps really for the entire, "become yourself" thing, is to actually work on loving yourself as much as you can. Meaning yourself in present and in the future. Do that by focusing on whats important to you, and actually work and improve that, anything that allows you to "get it out". Just improving because of someone isnt viable, you just put pressure on them with this and not much more. They can't do the work for you or fix you, only you can.
I struggled with severe borderline personality disorder earlier in my life. The ideas you brought forth in this video have helped me learn to exist. Thank you for bringing this perspective to more people, many need to hear this
how did it help? genuine question. cus i have bpd and this video made me so depressed cus i literally have no clue who i am or what my authentic self would look like.
This topic reminds me of 2 friend groups i had The first one I had was toxic and horrible and while they did care about me and try to help me with my mental issues all they ended up doing was make me the butt of every joke in the group. They treated me like garbage for talking about my mental health and called me attention seeking and a loser and i felt alone while being with them. The second group were kind and nice to me and genuinly let me be myself around them. they dont yell or scream at me when I talk about my mental health and they dont make every joke in the group about me. they always make me feel welcome and appreciated you just have to find the right people that you dont have to put a mask on when your around them.
I feel that this really helps. Im only 12, but i been noticing this kind of things happening to me. Since 2020, i became really disconnected from a lot of things, and i just let myself go. I went two years of school without doing anything, i can't even remember most of things from those years. This year to decided to change for "Good" And i mean, i do the homework and everything, and that's great, but i just don't feel like myself sometimes. I used to be one of the clowns of the class, and i wanted to change so i would get more friends, or fit in other places. But the only thing i got was becoming serious, losing real friends, and the only friends i got now are not real ones. I was trying to fit more with my class and people in general but im more sad than ever. Slowly becoming a teen and not being a little child anymore makes me really worried, i'm scared to lose things from my personality even more, and becoming just a girl. Im not sad about being a girl, but society makes me feel repulsive towards my own gender, and my own body. I just want to be more free like a boy, and not just being treated like the girl i am. Is so fucked up that in my early age i already think about these things, but being honest, nobody ever should feel like this, in any age
Thank you for sharing this. I’m so sorry you’re going through that, especially at your age. And you’re right, it’s not okay that anyone has been made to feel that way. Society can be awful, but no matter what anyone says you will never be “just” anything. I know it can be difficult, but please don’t worry about losing yourself as you grow up. Even if there are times when you don’t feel like your full self, you will never be anything less than whole. Amazing aspects of your personality aren’t lost, they just might be tucked away right now and waiting to be rediscovered. Again I’m so sorry things have been hard, but you are clearly already very introspective and emotionally intelligent, and I’m wishing you the best 💛 -From a once twelve year old girl
I totally understand how you feel and I’m an 18 year old girl. Sometimes I just want the carefreeness and relaxation that guys my age seem to have but society just doesn’t give us a break. I hope you can find your tribe and make friends as you get older!
THIS IS WHY I AM SO UNCOMFORTABLE WITH ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS OH MY GODS. I feel like I am checking a check box on the arbitrary checklist of "things to do if you are a human being" when my past partners were looking for like. Greater meaning in the relationship. Which then would cause me to become uncomfortable because I just kinda see them as another human being that happens to be around while they try to chase that sort of "fade into eachother" feeling, offering more and more in the relationship meanwhile Im mostly dealing with myself and all the problems with living in my own brain and also doing Romance Actions:tm: that, in retrospect, are very superficial and definitely contributed to that awkward tension
For me it’s that guys will always have expectations and ideas of me that don’t match up to who I am. I’ll be myself from the start, a bit weird and not very fashionable, maybe I’ll dress up a little just to look presentable etc… and they’ll think it’s cute and ‘quirky’, as if it’s an act?! Then later down the line they get mad at me for ‘tricking’ them when I don’t change and get comfortable showing my feelings around them, even though they barely tried at all.
@@katfujioka212 ya, I get that. I've had people do a similar thing when I was dating them. I've never hid my personality, but my ex definitely had me repress it quite a bit around him towards the middle and end of our elationship since I think it clicked to him that I am just childish, it's not really an act
I have been struggling with this very thing following a breakup a couple years ago, but have heavily felt myself struggling between those two ontological motives. I am constantly debating how I can become more worthy, and if I deserve to be loved, or if I should just live unreservedly, but sacrifice the build up of my individuality. This came at the right time for me. Thank you as always, have been a subscriber for a while now
Not sure if i fully agree with everything that was said but I think a fact that could not be any truer today is your points on relationships. I have found that so many people no longer get into a relationship because they love or like the person they are in the relationship with but simple because they love the idea of being in a relationship and the comfort It provides.
@@stampcrab not sure but it feels like over the years being in a relationship has become more of a social status then something deep and meaningful Was I say this I'm mostly referring to high-school as you get older this changes dramatically
This is so right up my alley, I've been talking about and listening to/watching so many videos about suppression of emotions, dr Gabor Mate, and chronic illnesses the past few days, so it's crazy that this just came out today. I'm a type c for sure and I don't want to stay this way. Thanks for this! As always your videos resonate with me on a deep level
as a “type c” person. i can say for me it is both not wanting to be hated by everyone in my life and because i genuinely wish the best for others but have no ambition to live a happy life myself, tho id like to be happy.. these videos are kind of therapeutic but also reveal to me how i put myself in every good or bad place ive ended up in
Whenever I’m actually myself the so called friends I have don’t want to be around me, they don’t respect my boundaries and that i don’t want to drink or do drugs anymore. Frankly when im actually being myself and not putting up a happy and joking personality they’ll just get bored and leave to do something else. I keep telling myself I need new friends but I loop back around into that I’m a depressing and shitty person. I want to just ghost everyone and move eventually
I think the way self-indulgence is glorified through a materialist paradigm offers a lot of people, including myself, the illusion of connecting with our inner child outwardly instead of inwardly. Ultimately, your experience of life is a reflection of your inner universe, which many of us believe (through no fault of our own) is not an important pursuit in comparison to the shiny, hollow promises offered to us by society. That's where you dig into your deepest attachments and perceptions of meaning and slowly unwire your past trauma with conscious pursuit of action that reflects the nature of the child which was previously buried by false conclusions used for survival. This progressive actualization of your soul allows you to connect with yourself in such a beautiful way that 's unimaginable when you're stuck underneath layer upon layer of toxic, yet familiar, beliefs. You recognize the truth, and you're able to forgive yourself and the people in your life who have wronged you or simply influenced you in a way you're now ready to outgrow. Whoever reads this, know you are always in the process of achieving this state of being, but you really need compassion and patience to blossom like the beautiful flower you are and were always meant to be. Trust me. Ranting aside, a psychiatrist on RUclips I admire, Walter E. Jacobson, has fantastic videos on the healing process. Not a substitute for therapy, but please check this guy's channel out.
When you're that far up your own ass, it's to be expected to be uncomfortable. The discomfort comes from the supernatural belief in a "true" or "genuine" self that you are disconnected from.
Spent my entire teenage life desperately trying to contort myself into someone that other people could love, and I was miserable. Now, in my early 20s, I'm living life accepting who I actually am and living how I want to live, and not expecting too much out of the world and the people around me. I'm single, I don't have anywhere near the friends I hoped I did and I'm not that close with anyone. Despite that; I'm as happy as I could ever have hoped to be. Self-acceptance is everything, and self-acceptance is the key to self-love, which is the only true key to happiness.
Sisyphus, I just wanna say thank you so much for making this video. I was sobbing when the Type C persona was discussed because I just knew that it held some truth with me. I’m going to try being more authentic from now on and acknowledging my feelings and abandoning my people pleaser ways. It won’t be easy, but I’ll try my best. Thank you so much again for making this video.
I had a discussion/argument with my mom about me being queer so this was recommended to me at a perfect time - it eases my mind that there's someone who can express what my thoughts were in a clear, coherent manner
contribution of parenting has been revealed to be minimal. it's genes, peer group and the rest of our idiosyncratic environment that shape us. please stop holding your mom accountable for your identity crisis. this video is a bit misleading.
@@andro.5678 you wanna back that up with some sources? Devaluing someone's pain is abysmally unproductive and does nothing to help them overcome their problems.
Yeah...the thing is sexuality is not identity. Your choice of immorality is not 'you'. You are not entitled to be 'queer' any more than someone who robs is entitled to be a robber. Even if they have always felt like robbing people.
@@vibeauxssxuaebiv3489 Being queer hurts no one, while robbery is a harmful action that only benefits oneself. I don't see how being queer is immoral, or comparable to someone that feels entitled to rob.
As I was growing up, the neurodivergent person I was was wholly unacceptable to all of my peers and parents. So in order to obtain love, I would have to become a completely different person, which some people could manage, but not me. So, I could either like myself and be ostracized, or hate myself and try to find affection. Of course, I got the worst of both worlds; self hatred and extreme isolation. Looking back, this whole experience has created a nihilistic perspective about humanity as a whole. It doesn't matter that my experience has been exceptionally different than most and is most likely an outlier, the personal truths remain. In order to be likeable and satiate a basic human desire, I have to provide value to a cold, uncaring society that demands conformity. All authenticity has to be twisted into a certain lens, like how corporations twist their brands in their commercials for consumers. This is why I have such respect for people like Eminem and the late Patrice O'Neil, who were so radically authentic and achieved nationwide renown.
I was taught early on, through various traumas, that I am a very bad, evil, selfish person, and I feel this compulsive need to prove that I’m a good person. Perhaps the fact that I’m a girl made it super important for me to be as nice as possible, smile a lot, give eye contact, do things for others, pay attention to how others feel, etc, when my parents (mainly my dad) were extremely violent, rude, angry, self centered and arrogant, and they came down HARD on me for what they perceived ME to be selfish. I genuinely want to be a good person who makes the world a better place and who makes others happy, but that’s so deeply entangled in the toxic need to prove my worth by being NICE and putting others above myself.
you can either be loved or be yourself really resonates with me especially as someone who was born female but doesn’t consider myself a girl. i’m a feminist, i don’t like to shave, i have a pretty bad temper (i’m working on that though), i have mental illness, i don’t want to be a mother, and i’ve been told many times that no man would love me because of these things. but why do i need to change myself to be loved artificially? when i was younger i felt very insecure about not feeling or being like all the other girls, but lately i’ve been working on accepting myself as i am. i don’t see why i have to try to fit myself into a role i’m not and be miserable when i can be happy living the way i want to. i’ve stopped caring about how attractive my natural self is to men or women or anyone. i have some great relationships in my life, i’m not worried about forming specifically romantic ones. this comment has been a bit of a mess of my thoughts but i think in the end the hardest thing to accept was that my authentic self is lovable. maybe to a niche population, but there are people out there who appreciate me and any idiosyncrasies i have. okay that’s all i have to say. edit: i now have a boyfriend who loves me for who i am :)
Worry not for the perspective of others until you are forced to keep them company. Privacy is a privilege and when you learn truly and deeply that you will always keep yourself company for the rest of your life. It won't ever get easy, but it'll get easier. Always give yourself the benefit of the doubt, until you are conscious of the fact that you are taking advantage of whatever life may be offering, and it may be tough, but deeply critique your beliefs, not only from what experiences they are based on. But the implications of the impact they will have on your future, both the idealistic and the realistic. Whatever you do in life, I wish you the best of luck and a safe future. With there being 8 billion people on this planet there bound to be at least 10000 people that will deeply resonate with your life experiences and understand how it's shaped your perspectives in life based on similar experiences of their own. Cherry pick what you will from what I typed, maybe it's all bs. But if anything helped you that would make me feel happy. Good luck, and may fate be in your side.
You're not less of a girl or not a girl because of that, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Being a girl or a woman doesn't mean anything and doesn't "feel" like anything, it just means you're a female human being but in everyday language people don't like using "female" so they creaged girl and woman. Other than that these words shouldn't mean a role or a look or a feel or behaviors or style etc. It's just a word. Good luck in life xoxo
My favorite way to stop from hiding my true self before I'm in too deep and have to sever the relationship bc I'm with somebody that isn't truly compatible: Don't just use the pickup lines that work, use the ones that are personal to you. Sure, that means more people are going to be off put at first, but those people were going to go away anyways. Best to stop any of that before it happens.
I clicked this video on a whim and now I'm tearing up in the middle of the night. I didn't realize how much I needed somebody to say all these things in the video... Thanks for the enlightenment.
i don’t even know who i am. i just go with the flow and i do what feels right, which results in me being a kind of person that probably could be labeled as a type of person in the big picture, but i’m not labeling myself as anything. i’m just me, i just exists however i want and that’s that. and i let other people live how they want to live too. one of my inspirations is harry styles, and you guys can role your eyes at that and hate all you want, but harry isn’t afraid to be himself and look where it’s gotten him. i truly love him so much, it’s not able to be explained. he’s open to the world and he accepts himself as who he is and he accepts others for who they are. and that is so beautiful. i’ve learned a lot from him. i feel like if i meet a new person i might as well just be the truest version of me. the new person might dislike me, but at least i know that that’s how they truly feel about me. if they do like me, i know that they truly like the real me. if i’d pretend to be someone else and they’d like me, they’d like the fake version of me, and that would only complicate things. of course i shouldn’t forget that people change all the time, including me. someone may like me for me, the true me, but i could change and they may dislike that change. i would still be me, still the true version of me, but then it wouldn’t work anymore. relationships in any type of way or form come and go. and that’s okay. you just have to appreciate them when they’re there
Really eye opening, couldn't explain it any better, though another thing we should consider is our maturity/growth, or rather the lack thereof. We tend to think that acting with primal/immature traits, are who we are, when in fact, it is unnatural for a mature person to act as such, emotions over ration isn't you, being selfish isn't you, being impulsive isn't you, etc., these kinds of traits are objectively unattractive and unhealthy, not only for romantic relationships, but as well as our relationships with our friends and family, it's important to distinguish between who we truly are vs where we lack growth in, I for one know this because of the several times I had severed ties with certain people in my life over me lacking compassion, prioritizing how I feel and doing what feels right over what IS right.
Be the change you want to be in the world. Treat others how you want to be treated. If you want to be loved, be yourself. What connects these is the idea that you can and should love other people for who they are, or who they want to be- not who you want them to be. And in doing so you are justified in asking other people to do the same. You can't ever expect them to do the same- that defeats the point, and I think it shows that you shouldn't be close friends with them, but try if you will. The point is that you don't have to choose between being loved and being yourself, just don't be a hypocrite and people tend to respect that. Edit: Or at least I do.
I’ve always thought there was something wrong with the way I viewed things I always feel like other people’s pain hurts me more than my own pain it’s as if I can empathise with everyone and I can put myself in their shoes no matter who the person is and I feel like it drains me out emotionally
There is this anxiety to being ourselves and not feeling worthy of love, perhaps as the video suggests from our parents or people around us growing up when we had these survival strategies to play the part, but something I never thought about was how I could be loved by being ourselves. There's a difference between being loved for the mask and being loved deeply. Showing up as yourself to be loved means that people can finally see the parts of you that you hold dear and love them.
“We put our health at risk in order to be loved” humbled me quickly, i know I’m a people pleaser due to childhood trauma, I’m also trying to stop because it’s not only harmful to me but also those in my life, unfortunately I feel so mean doing so because it upsets people that I’m changing that trait, but I guess that just tells you who belongs in your life and who likes the people pleasing version of you
This came at such a right time. I'm having the worst time with myself and there are times when I need to hear stuff like these as reassurance. Thank you for another great video
RUclips recommended this in the perfect time. I'm currently in an existencial crisis/ paradox. I'm trying to find the light. I feel like you have pointed out things I have to feel more. Thank you
Oddly enough this was exactly what I needed to hear. Been pondering some past behaviors I keep acting on and trying to get to the root of it has left me rather lost for words. The video hit the nail on the head. Thank you so much for your uploads!
Keep exploring at brilliant.org/Sisyphus55/. Get started for free, and hurry-the first 200 people get 20% off an annual premium subscription.
Merry Christmas dude.
Anyone knows the background music for the sponsor segment?
can i ask for the title of the music on the background? 🥸
What if I don't like myself? If I behave differently, am I changing, or am I pretending?
yoo i started a course on comp sci so I might actually buy the premium. so far so good
thank god you were sponsored by them
I love how each Sisyphus video either gives me a reality check or an existential crisis
Often, those are one and the same I think
Gives me both and I wouldn't have it any other way because I'd learn more about myself more
@@fud66 couldn’t say it better
Sysyphus gave me Ligma
Why not both? :D
"it is sobering to realize that many of the personality traits we have come to believe are us, and perhaps even take pride in, actually bear the scars of where we lost connection to ourselves, way back when"
it is more sobering to realize the contribution of parenting has been revealed to be minimal. it's genes, peer group and the rest of our idiosyncratic environment that shape us. misleading content.
@@andro.5678 Source: dude trust me
This phrase alone brought me to tears dammit. Such precision and accuracy
@@andro.5678 Are you trying to actually provide the notion that parenting is not a part of that environment? Yeah okay, that tells me you were raised by pretty average, run of the mill parents. You're one of the lucky ones and don't know it, because if you knew what life you could be living right now, you wouldn't say that stupid shit lol.
It is both terrifying and liberating to know that we aren't defined by traits. It's scary to know we are constantly redefining ourselves, but there's hope in knowing we aren't prisoners to our labels
My solution to this tension has always been to be a person that I MYSELF can respect. To BE a genuinely good person mainly for the sake of my own sanity and self esteem. It's a wierd sort of self-serving altruism. To hold myself accountable & forgive myself when I fall short. It is also to take pride in my efforts and my intentions rather than the results.
Yeah that’s what “be yourself” means. It means abide by your conscience, not “do whatever whatever you feel like” of course that’s an unimaginably shallow philosophy.
nice advice
@@isaacwebber704 Absolutely, I agree👍🏻
Nicely said, totally agree
These days I try to be a person that me as a 6 year old would want to be and think is the coolest guy in the world
I stopped opening up to people because a lot are entitled, manipulative, and deceitful. Every time I express myself I end up being judged, or misunderstood. Not everyone has the depth or patience to understand you.
Worse even, some people profit off you opening up and when you expect it less, they might turn your confession against you. People can be real snakes nowadays so it is better to keep cartain things to ourselves.
this is true of most people, but there are a few who make opening up worth it. but it's so very difficult identifying those, and the stakes are high. so yeah, i mostly just dont open up either.
I feel like when you come at people with kindness, acceptance and vulnerability it makes it really difficult for them to judge you without making themselves feel like bad people. It’s a circle of positivity. Relying on people is a different story, but if you accept momentarily kindness and appreciation for what it is, it might help your happiness, at least that’s how it is for me.
I've learned over the years (I'm 26 now) that ppl are each other's weapons. I'm opening up to people more easily after 2 years of slowly understanding my personal expectations around people. You should always only expect the unexpected, see people more or less exhausted of wearing their mask. Some individuals are prideful assholes, some are suffering and reflecting their anger towards others. Some are simply lazy working on themselves and some are depressed and truly hurt inside.
The best thing I finally understood about myself if you can't help other don't, the best thing you can do is listen and care to remember what they said even if it seems insignificant. You can't help others if you can't help yourself.
All the deep and profound people on RUclips comment threads are so incredible. Where are you in real life?
If you want to be accepted as yourself you need to accept others as themselves. Make the people around you feel like they can be imperfect and fail and you won’t be judgmental. The change starts with each of us
You cannot accept yourself by trying to please other people.
@@senzation01Nobody says that, maddieb simply stated what can be summarized as an echo of one's own actions: if you treat someone horribly, they will likely treat you horribly as well. Treat them well and you can expect to be treated well. Set boundaries if need be, though. That is how we can be liked by others and accepted for who we are; by accepting those around us without giving into pressure or caring too little.
I wanna cry.... That's how good your comment is.
the advice this video gives you is trash and will ruin your life, turn to redpill
Load of idealistic BS. So what happens when you encounter someone who is inherently sociopathic? Just embrace them for whom they are? Boundaries and conditionality exist for a reason.
It is so difficult to be yourself in a world that wants you to be anything but.
Maybe we just haven't found the right audience yet
@@DHFreaki exactly, their are all types of people in the world. Some will love you, some would hate you.
You will not be liked by everyone, not without hating yourself.
It's something people have to accept.
“Be yourself” is a poorly worded proverb that advises you to abide by your conscience. Nobody in their right mind thinks it means “do whatever the hell you please whenever you want”. Obviously acting that way is unacceptable, you would be the biggest douchebag on the face of the earth if you did. And not because you are a victim of society but because that’s what douchebags do.
skill issue
@@123ili Hahahaha
What i learned from my 6 year long relationship and social interaction in general (and this will sound harsh): Is that people don't like you for who you are, they tolerate you for whatever good you bring to their life and cut you when you are not that good anymore.
I used to complain about that for a long time, how being human is being a selfish interested creature, but then i realized: I am not that good myself, and people don't have to accept me for who i am (not even my closest most loved person), changing things about yourself can be good, but not being a people pleaser. Be nice to other people but be authentic with yourself.
Nah I'm still pretty sure society is a pile of junk motivated by primal survival instincts and the fear of being left alone. I loved in my relationships in spite of my ex-partners consistent self preference, people never loved me like that.
I hold grudges for what I experienced in my romantic and interpersonal relationship, and changing oneself is not always the solution. Finding a person that still holds the romantic partner as important as them is the rarest gem in nature.
@@insanitynears i don't know you but i think you are not looking at yourself objectively.
ty for sharing what u learned
I think someone choosing you (as a friend, an associate, a partner) and making sacrifices for you _because_ you bring a lot of good into their life is the most valuable thing a person can experience. People who are afraid of this are usually so because they realize they don't bring much into their relationships. Everyone should strive to give more than they receive and ensure that the people they associate with are doing the same; my absolute best relationships have been founded on that principle.
'Be nice to other people but authentic to yourself' damn this is the perfect way yo describe the attitude i took that drastically improved my life. You can still be authentic and love yourself while being considerate to others and putting your best foot forward. And if you can't do those things simultaneously you probably have some healing to do (i sure did).
> mask yourself
> meet soneone you like
> remove the mask
> see how the person reacts
> if they like your true self, attempt relationship
> realise that both of you don't like every aspect of each other
> Communicate
> Compromise
> Reflect
> Be happy while being yourself✅
step 2 took too long, skipping to step 3 and seeing how it goes...
@@arsenal4444 Step 7 is the one no one wants to seem to take part in.
@@authaire hmm fair, you're probably way ahead of a lot of people if you got that far. I'm still stuck at some weird 'step 2.5' short stop where I keep falling for ones that turn out to be lesbians. Lmao somebody provide insight, these steps are botched
What if i showed up as myself, and the other person liked me. But he never showed up as his-pure-self. Is that fair? Or should I be unbrothered thinking that I am living my somewhat authentic life and to hell with him.
@@vincent_catto In my experience, you notice if someone is truly being themself or staging to be someone they are not for you. If you have no reason to think that it is staged, be happy. If you think that he is not himself ask about it. Maybe he naturally changed because of your influence (that doesn't need to be a bad thing as long as he isn't forcing himself to be different for you). If you are convinced he is faking a personality for you it might lead to problems later on so I guess it would be wise to bring it up at some point.
I am no expert though. It's just my experience from two long term relationships.
Kind of unrelated but I realized a lot of people thought "I'm bad, so I need to work hard to be good and accepted." Whereas my mindset was more "I'm bad, so I need to stop interacting with people so they don't get hurt or disappointed." This video made me rethink some things
I feel the same way. Your comment made me rethink some things! Thank you ❤
I definitely have this approach. In fact, my masks are worn most when I'm around those I love and have important relationships with because I fear damaging those relationships by revealing my brokenness. Around strangers I'm my strange self because I have nothing to lose and only relationships to gain.
“Those who are hardest to love need it the most.” -Socrates
dude, idk abt the times socrates lived in but, in todays world those who need it the most will still choose status quo if you offer genuine love that would need them to take down their masks. unmasking for them feels more dangerous than being unloved which has by now become a compromise.
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Socrates be smoking high on that one
@@ranirathi3379 true and real
@@ranirathi3379 I mean thats mostly true, but there is no contradiction with what Socrates said.
They are hardest to love exactly because of their insecurities causing mistrust. They need love, but afraid to be betrayed more.
Sometimes you can break this ice, sometimes your best still wouldnt be enough.
And its only up to you to decide, is it even worth trying.
I just had a giant fight on Christmas Day with my mother because I "stepped out of line" and expressed my feelings and it "ruined everything" I really needed this, thank you
Never too late to have an awakening moment. Tough road ahead, speaking from experience. You got this, good luck!
My fella, it's not your fault that somebody had their day ruined because of you showing emotions.
Repressing emotions is such a bullshit idea ingrained in our brains. Denying yourself is the worst shit out there that one could ever fathom.
What did you do?
F**k her. Mothers are very manipulative and strategic. Ignore her and do you. Don't let her manipulate you. She craves control and sees you as someone who she can control. Even if you did something wrong, doesn't mean you get treated like that.
@@aliceduren6542probably better to say “what happened”, sometimes parents can be angry over nothing. (Or without good reason)
I will never get over how perfectly timed These Videos are. I can be dealing with an issue or struggling with a concept and suddenly a Video discussing the exact topic or something related to it comes out. The amount of times I've been surprised by how appealing and accurate some of the titles Sound to my current Situation is honestly getting rather scary xd
So true my god. His content always turns up exactly when you need it
I truly agree , tho isn't it a bit strange . That the algorithm just knows what you truly need at times . I know it might be a coincidence but it could be the other .
But anyway , if it does truly help , I am all for it
I think you're always struggling with these things,it's just that,when he releases these video you recognise that this is what you're going through
@@nitishkumarsharma7279 His third eye senses the need xD
@@nitishkumarsharma7279 yes I definitely agree. Still, sometimes it feels kinda special when you're really dealing with something and he somehow manages to drop a Video on the exact topic during that time.
“If I had a prayer, it would be this: ‘God, spare me from the desire for love, approval, and appreciation. Amen.’” -Byron Katie. I’m a woman, and this quote from her helped me immensely. My anxiety level plummeted and has been very low ever since.
thank you for sharing! i hope one day to experience the level of peace this quote brought you :)
God.. spare me from females.
Thank you for sharing this ❤
This is amazing. Thank you for sharing! ❤
@@jungersrules I would have said spare me from desire of love, approval and acceptance.
I started being unapologetically myself when I got to college. A lot of people did not like me for it. But a lot of people did, and because they liked me for me, those relationships became extra meaningful and genuine. I like to think that I'd rather have 15 amazing ones rather than 100 good/ok ones.
I am happier this way.
how you define being "yourself" is crucial. in my opinion being yourself is all in the behavior you CHOOSE. We all have impulsive thoughts but much more of your moral character shown in how you filter. Filtering to an extent is healthy and is done out of compassion. the reason I dont act out when im angry is because its damaging to the people around me. In this way im being my compassionate SELF by filtering.
this is a great example of emotional intelligence!!
It is very good and that’s how I have always viewed myself. The only problem, which I am just figuring out now, is that this has lead me to accept and endure so much abuse that I turned all the emotions associated with it against myself so I became angry at myself for not speaking out and protecting my boundaries and needs. Right now I’m trying to learn when it is justified to feel anger and how to express it in a non-explosive way so that doesn’t happen anymore.
@@swzslm1741it can be a very fine line to read. Especially when our mental lens isn’t exactly clear or objective. The negativity in my head at times FEELS so justified, till I can calm down and realize it might’ve been my own preconceived biases against myself or others.
@@shineinouzen7412I have a problem where I assume this process is inevitable rather than potential. Essentially, no matter what someone has done to me I assume if my reaction is negative it’s incorrect and I’m irrational and biased, or at the very least selfish. Acting, or not acting enough out of self doubt is also a doctor in the equation i think.
It is highly dependent on the situation, the people involved, and the relationship between them so I can't say what the best way for everyone is but... For me the "healthy" way to deal with this is to express my anger/fear/whatever in the moment, and accept that it will typically be met by the other person's emotion in return (or if you overwhelm them, they may just withdraw). Then, at some later point when we've both cooled off a bit (can be minutes later or weeks later, but ideally as soon as you both feel ok doing so) we return to the issue and explain how we felt, why we got upset, often there is some element of "when you say that it makes me feel like you are trying to change me/don't have confidence in me" which should be expressed. One or both people may end up apologizing for things they said in the heat of the moment - that can happen, it doesn't mean you're a bad person. And in the end, if it's someone you're close to, the exact same issue may come up again sometime because just going through this doesn't magically fix all the insecurities that are behind the anger, but at least you'll understand each other's point of view better and hopefully progress a bit each time.
Making notes:
1. Face the voices of childhood trauma and separate them from yourself
2. Your life and health/well-being is yours and not something you exchange for love and validation
3. Don’t use shame and guilt as a way to punish or “discipline” yourself. Or at least not on the little things
Think comment is great thank you
This sorry for saying the wrong word
You're the best learner,thanks for the notes
It can be helpful to ask those voices what they want and why. Most often, they don't want to hurt others -- they want to protect *you.*
True. If you're life is nothing but a role you play, you won't feel truly loved. People can only love the the 'you' that you show them. Only when you drop the act and embrace your true self will you know that if people still love you, then they love the real you. Only then will you feel loved...
"You must look within yourself, to save yourself, from your other self. Only then will your true self ... reveal itself."
There is no true self. The belief in such things is what leads to your dissatisfaction and disconnection in the first place.
Absolutely. Now, how do I do that? 😂
@@ItsAsparageese Avatar, nice
@@buycraft911miner2 My first girlfriend turned into the moon
With my autism I find it difficult to filter or hide myself. I don’t like the idea of having to waste time or effort in pretending to be a more conventional person for strangers until they get to know me. People will find out who you are eventually. Don’t waste time on others who will end up disliking you. Be yourself unapologetically first and you’ll develop really strong connections with those who like you wholeheartedly and completely while pushing those away that won’t.
if its any consolation, i think youre pretty rad
Minus the isolation, childhood bullying, and social ineptitude, autism isn't so bad. Besides, all thesd things can be worked on and improved.
@@ramendude4062 I've noticed that, in my case, inhibitions are usually what causes it to be such a problem. I figured it out after getting high and going to social settings. When that happens, in that altered state of mind, the autism no longer holds me back. It frees me from my own self-imposed chains and allows me to be who I am, without regards as to what people will think. I think medication is probably the way to go to mitigate the mental blocks that hold people back. The trauma from childhood is definitely something else though (in my case). Not even therapy could touch that for me.
its not like people choose to have social anxiety or always choose to mask dude its something that just happens and if you watched the video youd have heard him say that
Wow. I recently had a moment of wisdom and told a loved one:
"Helping them 24/7 doesn't make you a good person because you don't do it for them, you do it for yourself, because you hate yourself and need to feel a little worthy.
That's why you do it angry, that's why it means nothing to you and you feel stuck. Because you don't do it out of love, you do it because it's the only thing you have.
I think if you had boundaries, if you started living your own life, you would still help them and it would feel good, because you are actually good."
I've found that the answer to this dillema is to give yourself time to be alone and enjoy things in your own way. There's a time to be (and love) yourself and there's a time to be loved by others. If you can't do both simultaneously, do them separately, but make sure you do both. I've also found that meditating is very helpful and precious - one might say it's the ultimate form of "me time".
This is the comment! I just realized last week that I have never done both (I just turned 38 on the 13th). All my life my focus has been outward and only this spring did it begin to be on me. I’ll say a traumatic event forced me to be alone. I’m starting to enjoy the thought that I can be happy and alone, not just sad and alone. I told someone that eventually I will integrate those skills and do them simultaneously. 🤞🏽It’s just not feasible for me today and that has to be ok bec it’s where I am mentally.
As someone who grew up with pretty high functioning autism, this actually wasn’t a very big issue for me. I knew I was different from others and simply couldn’t care less. Even if I didn’t always feel as though I fit in properly, I sternly held my ground and kept to my interests and personality traits. This isn’t to say that there wasn’t sacrifice involved. I’m eighteen and have yet to be in a relationship. But quite frankly I would rather die a painful death than give up that which makes me who I am.
Isn't the term high-functioning a bit of an ablest oversimplification?
@@malaksafa4074 who are you to tell this guy what words he uses to identify himself?
I can relate to this heavily. There was a point where I just kind of gave up and tried to forget everything I loved, liked and things that made me me, and I guess different and weird to other people. especially being divergent and not understanding social skills. But about a year ago I came to the realization that trying to be something I wasn't made me feel empty, and I've been spending the time since to re-figure out what makes me me and I have to say I haven't been this happy in a long time, and its helped me so much with making new friends. I still have a lot of things to learn, but at lest now I can be myself.
I think the whole being in a relationship thing never made sense to me until I literally started being myself and figuring out who I was and what I liked. Other than that I never saw the point in relationships, especially during middle and high school. I dont think anyone really understands or knows what they want or who they are to possible even start thinking about adding someone into their life. I dont know, I'm still figuring it out at 21, others can feel free to jump in.
🤟🤟🤟🤟
@@malaksafa4074 as a high-functioning autistic person, I can agree that the term isn't the best depending on how you look at it. But it's just what everyone uses and psychology uses so it's just the term you have to stick to.
It’s so wild how Sisyphus always puts out the videos that address a crisis I’m facing 😭
yeah the timing is crazy, 100% agree on that
The Bojack Horseman pfp fits, lol
I used to think like this about certain videos too, but the truth is that these things are a perpetual crisis. You're always thinking about it to some degree, because this kind of topic can encompass every part of your life.
given the pfp i think you're facing all the crises there are
Because everyone who thinks about it for more than a minute faces it.
Honestly the biggest thing that made me happy was entirely stopping caring about the approval of others. It's kind of a fitness strat to only care about impressing yourself, I started using that for everything.
I'd rather be myself and find the one in one million person that I connect with, than wear a mask and be someone I'm not. I used to have that problem all the time when I was growing up, I used to write about feeling as though I was putting on masks for every interaction, that there was no real me. Then I started just truly being myself, not caring about those that made fun of me because they'd make fun of me no matter what I course of action I chose. I started having people flock to me because I was just being genuine. The older I have gotten the more people realize I was right.
If you find something cool, lean into it. If someone doesn't agree, who cares. I come at it from the perspective that I find most of the movies other people watch entirely brain rotting and vacuous, if I'm allowed to disagree with what you like, you can disagree with what I like.
Now mind you it took a long long time to get to the point I truly didn't care. I smoked weed for about 5 years straight because of the pain of feeling like I had no-one I could genuinely relate to. But since I've been sober I realized that I don't need that relationship, I don't need someone to agree with me on everything. If we just can agree on a few points that's good enough. The differences are what makes us human, it's what makes it worthwhile to talk to people.
When Alan Watts was asked what sort of people should we make by a geneticist the big thing he responded was "make them different". Because for the world to function we need people of varying interests. We need someone that is obsessed with transportation to revitalize public transportation, a musically inclined person to create a song for us to listen, a person suited to middle management, etc, etc, etc. Each and every one is needed for the whole to prosper.
I myself am a sumo wrestler, a comic artist, and a long distance hiker. I once thought of how funny it was, but now I really couldn't see any other path, any other road which looks nearly as interesting to me specifically. I love fighting down to the deepest part of my soul, I love drawing and creating entire worlds, and I love hiking to the point I want to just live in the wilderness most days. The fact that I am a rare combination of interests only emboldens me, as I have always strived to not even be interchangeable with the top 1% of a given pursuit. I have always yearned to be so different that my name will be remembered long after I'm dead, it's why I used to leaderboard chase in games trying to get the number one spot. I desperately more than anything want to inspire someone long after my death.
Now to watch the rest of the video, cuz I only watched to 1:49 before commenting rofl.
Bro that was beautiful, your brain is so beautiful
@@c.o.7922 thankyou so much! I really appreciate the way you worded that!
Completely agree my friend. Diversity is nature's greatest and strongest attribute. Without it, all living systems cease to function or even exist. The tensions are great! I'm still learning and weaning off weed myself since I genuinely only love life when I don't talk very much and only vibe -- but so much of my culture has no idea how to dance. I'm finding that the only solution is cheesy but true -- to just dance and see who joins in. No hard feelings about passing it up, but if it's your vibe, then it's your vibe. :)
Love this
You are awesome! A genuine self is the key to life in my eyes. If you can truly love and appreciate all parts of yourself then what do you have to worry about? That's why it's important to let parts of yourself die. The parts that strike you and surprise you with their negative intentions or actions. I feel as I let these detrimental sectors of my being fade away, I get closer to the true gift of finding myself fully. Drawing and hiking are the shit, my two favourite hobbies along with makin' music. Keep on your path, and you will be remembered by humans and spirits alike, take it easy and merry christmas :)
9:17 this resonated with me. I've been living in Japan for the past 10 years and there is very strong social pressure to not stand out in the crowd. There is even a famous saying about a nail that sticks out will eventually get hammered down. Your commentary made me wonder what kind of centuries of generational trauma have people lived here through to impose this as a universal rule.
Probably a big reason why the suicide rates is so high over there
@@KhiemNguyen-ly1wzwow. Had no idea.
Confucianism
what a sad way to live
I've felt the most alone when with other people.
I let my personality be squashed by others, and it made me sick. It took me a while to realise that real friendship depends on respect, and that no one can respect someone who doesn't respect themselves.
wow. this gave me a lot of insight as to why i broke off a friendship last summer. you put it into words!
THIS ONE DESERVES WAY MORE LIKES
how do you respect youre self? Or how can I be more respectful with my self?
I don't know if this relates to the video but I honestly genuinely cried when I discovered that everybody was growing up and that in the world of adults real emotions like anger and fear are not fully accepted or understood. I was always the bad person for crying out of anger and fear, while others kept thing for themself and never let vulnerability get the best of them. I genuinely cried because I felt so alone in these sentiments, and after that period passed there was shame and guilt all over me. Now I wonder if I can ever be that vulnerable with anyone or If I have to grow up just like everybody else.
This adult vision of the world I cannot stand.
Yeah I struggle to deal with adults and the adult world. Life is so much simpler and thus happier with the well-wishing and genuineness that most kids have.
If you open up and allow yourself to be vulnerable to someone and they don’t accept you, that is entirely on them. And there isn’t much you can do about that except move on. It may be painful and you might not find someone that accepts you for a while, but there will be people out there who are willing to accept you. All you can do is give them a chance
Ah yes keeping things feelings for yourself and not being vulnerable
Yeah I don't find this adult I just find this annoying
Like having feelings wasn't what makes humans what they are
I'm not saying you shouldn't grow up but if growing up means trying to not feel or to bottle up feelings then that's just not the right one
It was also sad for me to see how "adults" are so in compassionate. My cope is just understanding that there are those who feel like we do and those who don't. I've stayed my genuine self and in the world you'll find others who are the same. You'll notice them right away because they understand you , it just seems that alot of people are less vulnerable because its safer for them or just how they are. Or other times you just need to stay yourself so they can show you who they really are
check your T levels, please.
Merry Christmas everyone
Y-you too
Merry Christmas, folks🙏🏽❤️
@@Wabuu-zoo that made me cringe
@@maril1 y-you too
@@Wabuu-zoo your talking like a anime character lmfao
Something that took me a very long time to learn is to advocate for myself and set boundaries.I grew up autistic and with high anxiety because of how different I was from my peers, when I first learned I was autistic (around elementary school) my reaction was “so that’s what’s wrong with me, that’s why everything’s so hard” it was an explanation for my differences but it didn’t change how people saw me. No matter what I did or how “good” I was. I was never happy or made any long lasting connections and everyone including myself just felt fake. Being yourself is the hardest thing to learn to do because there are people who are going to be against who you are or their vision of you is shattered when you evolve from your false identity. To anyone going through this I wish you the power to embrace yourself and your happiness. It. Is. Worth. It.
Thank you. I struggle With harassment although. Three days into my New place and already argued With a neighbour. Loud music, shit isolation, sociopath tendencies. Started recording before i went to see him (went yesterday and today as he made loud noises for the Last three days). Im sick of that sh*t
Pfp checks out
🧡🩵🧡🩵
i can relate. its so hard to see everyone flow with eachother so well, while i feel im like going against the grain. every interaction has me questioning if i said the right response or if im likable enough for my weirdness to be accepted. i see the way people look at me and it's genuinely painful. i wish i wasnt born like this so badly. it's no wonder autistic people's suicide rates are so high.
@@alleyway8627I relate sm
As a people pleaser myself, I heavily relate to all of the traits you mentioned.
I have been trying to learn how to be myself for the last 19 years of my life, but each time I seem to hit a brick wall, and there's some other excuse coming up for why this is the case.
I was bullied through elementary school, developed social anxiety at the age of 15 and have been a shut in for the last 5 years of my life. Since I remember myself I wanted to be loved by everyone. I was the socially awkward guy who was only invited to gatherings because he literally begged to, and eventually I realized people mostly hang out with me out of pity. I didn't want that to be the case, so I just ended up cutting myself from everyone else. Now I realize I have a problem being vulnerable due to my upbringing and childhood bullying, which leads me to avoid situations where I am prone to open up. For the last few years I have been on a personal journey to fix that, but it's a long one.
I have sacrificed a lot in search of my inner voice, and will continue to commit sacrifices, yet I regret nothing. We only have one life, so better make it worthwhile
Listen to Jordan Peterson.
You need to start picking up responsibility, and pursuing God. You need order, and unobtainable ideal to progess towards, and responsibility to shoulder and then you'll start finding things making sense. This is how people work psychologically. Happiness comes from seeing yourself moving towards a goal, with greater goals providing greater happiness. Hence the importance of God even psychologically, to then have the greatest possible goal to constantly inch towards.
hey, same case with you. During my elementary years and even hs I also experienced bullying but when I got into College I’ve met a lot of wonderful people whom I called now friends. Hope you’re doing good now!💗
This feels so relatable to me.
I went through relationships and friendships with the exact same cycle you explained.
I'm a loner for like 2 years now, i don't meet, talk or date anyone.
I feel lonely, yes.
But at the same time it feels like i have a weight taken off my shoulders and not worrying about all the social things a person usually does.
"If I work hard and be good and I will be loved" this is true with relationships as well not just parents.
Nobody just has the right to be loved if that’s what you think.
It's not true because it's not a linear operation. You can't expect that from other people. Only you can provide that for yourself. You have to be your own beginning and end, and other people have a place alongside you in that journey, but are not the end goal.
@@isaacwebber704 why not?
@@JaimeareRainey The belief that everyone is just entitled to be loved for no reason is synonymous with the destruction of aspiration. Why would anyone aspire to anything if it’s worth just as much admiration as not doing anything at all? Also if you think you should be loved for no reason that’s narcissistic.
@isaac webber I don't think there's anything wrong to say everyone deserves love. The issue is when we believe that we deserve a certain person's love or attention.
i would never comment on instagram posts or youtube videos that spoke to me - because i feared that people were gonna think i was weird. its something i learned in the past months: creators are just as human as me and it often means the world to them when hearing that their content moved me. so thank you for this video. it explained a lot, showed new ideas, ways of coping with this etc. truly amazing💕
the contribution of parenting has been revealed to be minimal. it's genes, peer group and the rest of our idiosyncratic environment that shape us. misleading content.
@@andro.5678 do you have a source? cause i dont think that most therapists i know are working with something thats wrong, also their ideas/the ideas of this video make a lot of sense
@@andro.5678 he's wrong. Genes play a very important role, but parenting can also shift it into anywhere
I've always felt that my true self is boring. I've never been able to talk about my interest in a way that made others interested because I myself have always thought that I am not interesting and I should listen to others to find out what is interesting. My long time friends have been interested in me and the things I have to say yet I can not bring myself to believe it. I find it crippling when I try to meet new people or potential romantic partners because once the conversation leads to me I can not talk anymore. Not really sure if this is relevant to the video but it's how I feel and I want to share it.
This is how I've felt a whole lot of my life and I'm still trying to learn how to believe that what I like is interesting. It's interesting enough for me to enjoy it, why wouldn't someone else?
Aa someone without friends I say embrace yourself no matter how boring it may be. A wise monk worry's not themselves with the others view that the life they lead is wasted. Live passionately, and forget about the judgements others will hold.
I have had the belief that I'm a boring dummy since my 15 years or so. People would keep talking about themselves, about their passions, and would interrupt me when I would put in something of my own or just flat out dismiss that shit and keep talking about themselves.
Sad part is, I genuinely wish I could communicate with someone so that my feelings and desires would resonate with them. Instead, my fear of coming out boring is perceived as humility - a would-be positive trait - not as a sign of discomfort.
That's why for the past 3 weeks I have largely been doing stuff that I would dismiss at some other time for whatever reasons. I bought myself some beautiful flowers, which I wouldn't in the past (for the flowers are expensive as heck this winter and others had told me all the time that flowers are girls-only shit); bought myself some nice videogames, which I wouldn't in the past (for I had listened to folks saying that games are for losers and are a waste of time); the list goes on.
Screw this world. My life is very long and I wouldn't want to be subjected to even more suffering from that nagging need to conform to someone's beliefs. My life has been a bloody hell this 2022, so I would advise all of my relatives and friends to consider the Me of 2022 dead and the Me of 2023 born anew.
feel ya
I completely relate to this. It feels really reassuring that there are other people who feel this way.
The feeling has to be mutual. Forcing someone to love you who has no intention of doing so is where we mess up and misinterpret. You can't make anyone do anything. Not for long. We all have rebellion deep down. And if you aren't on the same page with someone, you'll know.
Oh man, i had to screenshot this.
screenshotted
The real question is : who is my real self or Whats my real self ?
Have you managed to figure that out?
yeah…that’s something pretty complex
This...this is it.
This is what has confused me for a very long time, this and conflating my desires with who I truly am.
I think the easiest way to know who you are or who your real self is, is to know exactly what you are not...this means looking at other people and being sincere with whether or not you are truly that.
I would think your real self is you when you are spending time on you own
In your own time you can self reflect and discover who you are
Your real self is whoever you choose to be. Your real self is the voice inside your head that's asking that question.
It's upto you to chose to be a person who doesn't let himself be harmed while also not letting others be harmed
This is the most important video I’ve seen in a long time. I try my best not to apply videos to myself in a flippant “litterally me” esque manner, but this fits almost perfectly the path and my discussions in therapy. Thank you this, it is unbelievably eye opening.
@@ThomasTedison Not that fitting to the original comment but kinda true phrase
the contribution of parenting has been revealed to be minimal. it's genes, peer group and the rest of our idiosyncratic environment that shape us. misleading content. as therapy can sometimes be as well, by the way. best of luck.
When my toddler is screaming and mad, I ask him what's wrong. He isn't used to emotions, and he doesn't have the skills to handle them. My role as a dad is to teach, not to put him in storage until he's easy.
great dad 👍
the contribution of parenting has been revealed to be minimal. it's genes, peer group and the rest of our idiosyncratic environment that shape us. misleading content. just try not be a d to your child.
I see the title and I already feel like I’ve been stabbed in the heart
How does this video’s title manage to articulate how I feel in a way I’ve never quite been able to
I was going to write the same things as you. Especially lately, this topic in the title haunts me the most. In a sick way, im glad im not alone...
@@sadpotato5111 A lot of us are experiencing increasing feelings of loneliness. Ironically, none of us are alone in feeling the way we do.
@@Cobalt985 blame society
7:27 i have wondered about that for a long time… the paradox where we want to feel special but want to fit in, but how can you both be unique and similar at the same time? To me, it’s evidence of the absurd nature of our existence;
it’s a chaotic and impossible task to achieve both, (but we strive for it desperately), therefore making it all meaningless…
I grew up as a people pleaser because of my parents and those around me and after finally being able to be myself i am definitely more happy after giving up on trying to change people or make others proud. Prioritizing myself for things that matter to me and focusing on taking care of myself is the best solution. Obviously i still care for others but i know now not to over do it and not let their opinions get to me.
Most people can only be themselves around their immediate family, because they're the only ones who won't abandon you. But, if your family is unhealthy, toxic, or even abusive, then you're never able to have that breathing room. I understand this, but then what? does that mean I and anyone in this spot are just doomed?
it surely feels like it
Blood family and family are 2 different things. If your blood family is toxic, than you need to separate yourself and find your true family. Cutting ties entirely isn't always healthy though, but separating yourself enough to get that breathing room always is. I personally just found some luckily, after a good 7 years of hating the situation I was in and looking negatively at myself. I found it through friends from another city who I opened up to, and can visit regularly, and through a small coffee-shop music group who meet and hang out. It's not an easy thing and you won't know it immediately, but the signs to "true family" will be there and the end result is worth the chase.
@@Lysergic_ yup, 100%
I'm late I know but I was just recommended this video. I have been a similar family situation for so long that I had to grow up to realize that my family situation wasn't healthy. Making time for myself has been so vital tho. Time alone with my thoughts through meditation and journaling. And really getting down to the core of who I am and what I need. As difficult as it will be, I suggest getting to know yourself and loving yourself. And then distancing yourself from the negativity.
They are doomed. There will be no escape from the agony for them.
Such an important topic!
For a long time I desperately tried to be loved by everyone. I read a lot of books and watched many videos on how to be likable. In the end it made me deeply unhappy. I felt more lonely than ever before because I didn‘t feel comfortable being myself anymore even with the people who already love me for me. All those books told me how much I should talk, how my body should move and which topics should be avoided during a conversation. I still get the desire to be liked by everyone because of personal self-esteem issues but I know it won‘t make me happy. Be kind to everyone but focus on the people you already got. You should never feel like there is something inherently wrong with you in any type of relationship you enter.
You should be more forgiving to yourself for not meeting the "likeability" standards of others. People are fickle and if you are happy with who you are and what you do, embrace the passions you feel in life, and when others see the genuine joy that you experience that will want to experience it vicariously, and thus like what you embody, and who you are. Never give up, never surrender, and find a moment in the storm that is life to truly smile for yourself. Time is so much shorter than any of us would like to admit, spend it living for you.
We all are self centered to a certain extent, so I usually thought I somehow was just out of touch with reality and mentally ill. These exact descriptions provided in the video and the explanations behind them make me so glad that this is something that others struggle with as well. Recently, getting older I’ve been reflecting back on why I am the way that I am, and never really thought about if I somehow lost myself because of survival mechanisms from childhood. I like being generous and caring and all those things, but somewhere deep inside it’s because I was never able to fit in and I need to do these things to feel “worthy”. Really trying to work past this but it is so difficult, but therapy absolutely helps and I recommend it to everyone.
If anyone has any tips feel free to respond. Thank you for this video.
“We learn that to be inauthentic is to survive.”
Wow. The truth of that hit me pretty hard.
The best viewpoint I can come up with is "what would I love in someone else?"
I would try to apply these to myself, however I can, sometimes these thoughts can be unrealistic and so you want to simplify it down. i.e: "I want a rich partner" "I want to feel safe".
Theres a lot of crap that I still do that I dislike, but im also trying to find a way around to improve and be better. If you really want to find the best person, be the best YOU first.
And its not easy, none of this is easy, you will still fall into pitfalls where you think "whats the point", and thats the test. The test to see how far you can get yourself out, not for anyone, but for YOU.
by being yourself you naturally create boundaries to people that would not be good for you. people with similar boundaries to yours may be compatible to you and pass the test for genuine friendship.
A person once told me: "[People] like you because you're authentic."
When I heard that I didn't know if I should laugh or cry. In the end I didn't really react to it, but that moment stuck with me.
Next time you should ask them if they’re really being authentic with you. Like reaaaallly make them think about it
These videos are genuinely incredible, the amount of research and analysis done behind the scenes is clear yet it stil ends in an easily digestible video that conveys an interesting and valuable insight
well, contribution of parenting has been revealed to be minimal. it's genes, peer group and the rest of our idiosyncratic environment that shape us. misleading content, actually.
@Andro I beg to differ really, I know its a research based thing but I feel like it affects a lot of your life
I had a complex upbringing, with several problems including addiction in the family, verbal and mental abuse and a very shocking shift from child wonder into below-average teen. I felt like love was what could save me, love coming from my external social and family bubble. Acceptance was key to my happiness, I believed. It took more tragedy to understand that other people are going through as much or worse than I, and that forgiveness and empathy had lifted this horrible burden from my shoulders and let me be more myself, without this hunger to be loved. It's freeing to understand I don't need or even crave that sort of recognition. I'm just another human being in the world, my brain is just another human brain among the billions living today, and those who lived before and will live in the future. Peace with this side of myself allowed me to find peace overall. I still have my opinions and views, I'm still changing and hopefully growing as a person. But it's no longer a rush to find that one situation, that one person or persons who can make me happy. Now that I'm okay with me, I don't really need anyone else to do it. If I find people that I enjoy spending time with, and they feel the same about me, that's perfect. Otherwise, it's not a big deal either, and I just need to not be a nuisance to anyone I cross paths with. For most of us, life only becomes torture if others' expectations dominate our decisions and determine our path. If someone need you to change in order to love you, then they never did, nor ever will love _you_ , just what you're pretending to be. And the prospect of pretending my way through life sounds awful.
@@Palmieres For me, who is in a similar situation to the one described, but I've given up on finding it and changed into something like: Oh, if love's overrated, what else do I have to look forward to? I don't particularly want to find meaning in a job, or through activism, or a hobby. So what else?
5:57 “learns to prioritise attachment over authenticity” 👏
Wide is the space between the two poles of honest expression and self repression, boundaries have to be drawn, neither being too repressive nor letting our deep desires and emotions control us.
well said.
It's weird because there was a time where I was very bitter because I had no friends and I pushed everyone away and was very cynical and jealous of other people, but I was unhappy the whole time and I felt like I was repressing my feelings. I feel I was being unauthentic because I didn't try to love and I kept myself in a shell. Then I opened myself up to new things and met new friends. So I feel that loving and being compassionate makes me happy because to me it is being authentic.
I love this. Great for u 🙏 change and growth is amazing.
"just be yourself, but not like that"
Hate normal people.
I'm at a loss for words. This has completely changed how I view my life and motivation. You've given me a base to explore who I am, what I want, and why I want it. This is one of the most influential media I've ever digested
authenticity is an act of rebellion !!! be rebels !!!!!!!!
man this video kept hitting at me in every point you made, i am a type-c and had recently went through a relationship where my self validation and value was tied in to another person's compassion. the effort i put in was always to the other person to feel this self-validation rather than to myself. i was seemingly happy before it ended, and felt horrible after it ended. as the relationship was gone, all my self-value was gone too. but as months gone by self reflecting, i was not in a good place at all during all of that. using 2023 to kinda try doing things for myself and giving myself time to recover from years of stagnation through this mentality. thank you for this amazing video, i felt it through every word.
good god does this hit me where it hurts-in almost all my relationships, i mold myself to fit a need in that person’s life so that i feel *needed*. my best friend and i are very very close and we’ve shared a lot of ugliness with each other, but i’ve found myself so dependent on that relationship that i won’t ever bring up concerns i have with them, things that they’re doing that hurt me. i realize it’s bad, but somewhere deep and important i believe that if i don’t just take the hits, then they won’t want to be with me anymore and they’ll leave. i am able to rationalize, to say “they love me, and i love them, and i have a basic survival instinct that says i should act on my feelings, and if they’re a good friend they shouldn’t become overly defensive if i have to confront them,” but i don’t actually believe it in that deep, important part of me. i also see this tendency in my relationship with my parents. on the surface everything is fine and we get along very well, but i harbor some resentment or anger towards them because they don’t love me the way i (think/feel i) need to be loved. they will never be able to accept or understand all of me, which is why i self-edit in order to be the daughter they want, even the daughter they need so they feel they’re doing a good job parenting me.
lordy, in the end, everyone is some variety of messy and traumatized.
Been in the similar situation right now but I learned I need to be satisfied with the Lord and search his kingdom firstly (Walking in the spirit not the flesh) and maybe we might be the person for someone so we may guide them in the Lord (a Christian one) and not be unequally yoked
I wish I could say more but right now don't have time Good luck God bless
We all needed to hear this after Christmas with our families. There’s something so heartbreaking about the truth here.
“people wanting what’s best for each other” you hit the nail on the head. man this hits deep.
i try and just be as open of a book as i can be when meeting someone. if i can’t act fully weird around u then u deserve to get filtered out anyway. this has made me exponentially more lonely but i know i’m not unlovable. i don’t care how many people don’t fw what i do anymore i don’t have the energy to put on a mask.
I am kind of doing my transition to get out of this kind of people pleaser axiety thing, recently. I think the only thing that helps really for the entire, "become yourself" thing, is to actually work on loving yourself as much as you can. Meaning yourself in present and in the future. Do that by focusing on whats important to you, and actually work and improve that, anything that allows you to "get it out".
Just improving because of someone isnt viable, you just put pressure on them with this and not much more. They can't do the work for you or fix you, only you can.
Very true, well said.
Really love this one:
How much of our societal systems is a collective pathology based on unresolved survival responses.
Fuck society
it’s genius!
I struggled with severe borderline personality disorder earlier in my life. The ideas you brought forth in this video have helped me learn to exist. Thank you for bringing this perspective to more people, many need to hear this
Yea this “type c” trait type just seems like bpd to me
how did it help? genuine question. cus i have bpd and this video made me so depressed cus i literally have no clue who i am or what my authentic self would look like.
This topic reminds me of 2 friend groups i had
The first one I had was toxic and horrible and while they did care about me and try to help me with my mental issues all they ended up doing was make me the butt of every joke in the group. They treated me like garbage for talking about my mental health and called me attention seeking and a loser and i felt alone while being with them.
The second group were kind and nice to me and genuinly let me be myself around them. they dont yell or scream at me when I talk about my mental health and they dont make every joke in the group about me. they always make me feel welcome and appreciated
you just have to find the right people that you dont have to put a mask on when your around them.
I feel that this really helps. Im only 12, but i been noticing this kind of things happening to me. Since 2020, i became really disconnected from a lot of things, and i just let myself go. I went two years of school without doing anything, i can't even remember most of things from those years.
This year to decided to change for "Good"
And i mean, i do the homework and everything, and that's great, but i just don't feel like myself sometimes.
I used to be one of the clowns of the class, and i wanted to change so i would get more friends, or fit in other places.
But the only thing i got was becoming serious, losing real friends, and the only friends i got now are not real ones. I was trying to fit more with my class and people in general but im more sad than ever.
Slowly becoming a teen and not being a little child anymore makes me really worried, i'm scared to lose things from my personality even more, and becoming just a girl. Im not sad about being a girl, but society makes me feel repulsive towards my own gender, and my own body. I just want to be more free like a boy, and not just being treated like the girl i am. Is so fucked up that in my early age i already think about these things, but being honest, nobody ever should feel like this, in any age
Thank you for sharing this. I’m so sorry you’re going through that, especially at your age. And you’re right, it’s not okay that anyone has been made to feel that way. Society can be awful, but no matter what anyone says you will never be “just” anything. I know it can be difficult, but please don’t worry about losing yourself as you grow up. Even if there are times when you don’t feel like your full self, you will never be anything less than whole. Amazing aspects of your personality aren’t lost, they just might be tucked away right now and waiting to be rediscovered. Again I’m so sorry things have been hard, but you are clearly already very introspective and emotionally intelligent, and I’m wishing you the best 💛
-From a once twelve year old girl
I totally understand how you feel and I’m an 18 year old girl. Sometimes I just want the carefreeness and relaxation that guys my age seem to have but society just doesn’t give us a break. I hope you can find your tribe and make friends as you get older!
Do the hard work even when you don’t feel like it, you’re working for a better future.
Happy Holidays everyone. Take care of yourselves.
why you always drop the right lesson at the right time? thank youu
THIS IS WHY I AM SO UNCOMFORTABLE WITH ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS OH MY GODS. I feel like I am checking a check box on the arbitrary checklist of "things to do if you are a human being" when my past partners were looking for like. Greater meaning in the relationship. Which then would cause me to become uncomfortable because I just kinda see them as another human being that happens to be around while they try to chase that sort of "fade into eachother" feeling, offering more and more in the relationship meanwhile Im mostly dealing with myself and all the problems with living in my own brain and also doing Romance Actions:tm: that, in retrospect, are very superficial and definitely contributed to that awkward tension
Have you considered that you might be aromantic?
sounds pretty aromantic to me
Percy Jackson?
For me it’s that guys will always have expectations and ideas of me that don’t match up to who I am. I’ll be myself from the start, a bit weird and not very fashionable, maybe I’ll dress up a little just to look presentable etc… and they’ll think it’s cute and ‘quirky’, as if it’s an act?! Then later down the line they get mad at me for ‘tricking’ them when I don’t change and get comfortable showing my feelings around them, even though they barely tried at all.
@@katfujioka212 ya, I get that. I've had people do a similar thing when I was dating them. I've never hid my personality, but my ex definitely had me repress it quite a bit around him towards the middle and end of our elationship since I think it clicked to him that I am just childish, it's not really an act
> Read the title
> Doesn't watch the video
> Comment "Neither, I want to love"
> Upvote himself
> Leave
i find myself pausing every 30 seconds or so to process hahah. so densely packed and well written. well done. also, 9:06 is mindblowing
I have been struggling with this very thing following a breakup a couple years ago, but have heavily felt myself struggling between those two ontological motives. I am constantly debating how I can become more worthy, and if I deserve to be loved, or if I should just live unreservedly, but sacrifice the build up of my individuality. This came at the right time for me. Thank you as always, have been a subscriber for a while now
Not sure if i fully agree with everything that was said but I think a fact that could not be any truer today is your points on relationships. I have found that so many people no longer get into a relationship because they love or like the person they are in the relationship with but simple because they love the idea of being in a relationship and the comfort It provides.
When was it historically that people had geniune relationships and not just toleration?
@@stampcrab not sure but it feels like over the years being in a relationship has become more of a social status then something deep and meaningful
Was I say this I'm mostly referring to high-school as you get older this changes dramatically
@@littlejack59 it's not just high school though. Many people never grow up. I agree with your initial comment.
This is so right up my alley, I've been talking about and listening to/watching so many videos about suppression of emotions, dr Gabor Mate, and chronic illnesses the past few days, so it's crazy that this just came out today. I'm a type c for sure and I don't want to stay this way. Thanks for this! As always your videos resonate with me on a deep level
as a “type c” person. i can say for me it is both not wanting to be hated by everyone in my life and because i genuinely wish the best for others but have no ambition to live a happy life myself, tho id like to be happy.. these videos are kind of therapeutic but also reveal to me how i put myself in every good or bad place ive ended up in
I can’t believe how well you articulated all of this. Thank you
Whenever I’m actually myself the so called friends I have don’t want to be around me, they don’t respect my boundaries and that i don’t want to drink or do drugs anymore. Frankly when im actually being myself and not putting up a happy and joking personality they’ll just get bored and leave to do something else. I keep telling myself I need new friends but I loop back around into that I’m a depressing and shitty person. I want to just ghost everyone and move eventually
Thank you. This gives me something to think over with parenting.
I think the way self-indulgence is glorified through a materialist paradigm offers a lot of people, including myself, the illusion of connecting with our inner child outwardly instead of inwardly.
Ultimately, your experience of life is a reflection of your inner universe, which many of us believe (through no fault of our own) is not an important pursuit in comparison to the shiny, hollow promises offered to us by society. That's where you dig into your deepest attachments and perceptions of meaning and slowly unwire your past trauma with conscious pursuit of action that reflects the nature of the child which was previously buried by false conclusions used for survival.
This progressive actualization of your soul allows you to connect with yourself in such a beautiful way that 's unimaginable when you're stuck underneath layer upon layer of toxic, yet familiar, beliefs.
You recognize the truth, and you're able to forgive yourself and the people in your life who have wronged you or simply influenced you in a way you're now ready to outgrow. Whoever reads this, know you are always in the process of achieving this state of being, but you really need compassion and patience to blossom like the beautiful flower you are and were always meant to be. Trust me.
Ranting aside, a psychiatrist on RUclips I admire, Walter E. Jacobson, has fantastic videos on the healing process. Not a substitute for therapy, but please check this guy's channel out.
When you're that far up your own ass, it's to be expected to be uncomfortable.
The discomfort comes from the supernatural belief in a "true" or "genuine" self that you are disconnected from.
"That the only way you can be truly loved, is to truly be yourself." Damn, that was an eye-opening end of a video.
Spent my entire teenage life desperately trying to contort myself into someone that other people could love, and I was miserable. Now, in my early 20s, I'm living life accepting who I actually am and living how I want to live, and not expecting too much out of the world and the people around me. I'm single, I don't have anywhere near the friends I hoped I did and I'm not that close with anyone. Despite that; I'm as happy as I could ever have hoped to be.
Self-acceptance is everything, and self-acceptance is the key to self-love, which is the only true key to happiness.
Sisyphus, I just wanna say thank you so much for making this video. I was sobbing when the Type C persona was discussed because I just knew that it held some truth with me. I’m going to try being more authentic from now on and acknowledging my feelings and abandoning my people pleaser ways. It won’t be easy, but I’ll try my best. Thank you so much again for making this video.
I had a discussion/argument with my mom about me being queer so this was recommended to me at a perfect time - it eases my mind that there's someone who can express what my thoughts were in a clear, coherent manner
contribution of parenting has been revealed to be minimal. it's genes, peer group and the rest of our idiosyncratic environment that shape us. please stop holding your mom accountable for your identity crisis. this video is a bit misleading.
@@andro.5678 you wanna back that up with some sources? Devaluing someone's pain is abysmally unproductive and does nothing to help them overcome their problems.
@@andro.5678source: trust me bro
Yeah...the thing is sexuality is not identity. Your choice of immorality is not 'you'.
You are not entitled to be 'queer' any more than someone who robs is entitled to be a robber. Even if they have always felt like robbing people.
@@vibeauxssxuaebiv3489 Being queer hurts no one, while robbery is a harmful action that only benefits oneself. I don't see how being queer is immoral, or comparable to someone that feels entitled to rob.
As I was growing up, the neurodivergent person I was was wholly unacceptable to all of my peers and parents. So in order to obtain love, I would have to become a completely different person, which some people could manage, but not me. So, I could either like myself and be ostracized, or hate myself and try to find affection. Of course, I got the worst of both worlds; self hatred and extreme isolation.
Looking back, this whole experience has created a nihilistic perspective about humanity as a whole. It doesn't matter that my experience has been exceptionally different than most and is most likely an outlier, the personal truths remain. In order to be likeable and satiate a basic human desire, I have to provide value to a cold, uncaring society that demands conformity. All authenticity has to be twisted into a certain lens, like how corporations twist their brands in their commercials for consumers. This is why I have such respect for people like Eminem and the late Patrice O'Neil, who were so radically authentic and achieved nationwide renown.
My approach to love is fuck around and find out, sure i'll make mistakes and pay for them but i'll learn. "Finding out"
I was taught early on, through various traumas, that I am a very bad, evil, selfish person, and I feel this compulsive need to prove that I’m a good person.
Perhaps the fact that I’m a girl made it super important for me to be as nice as possible, smile a lot, give eye contact, do things for others, pay attention to how others feel, etc, when my parents (mainly my dad) were extremely violent, rude, angry, self centered and arrogant, and they came down HARD on me for what they perceived ME to be selfish.
I genuinely want to be a good person who makes the world a better place and who makes others happy, but that’s so deeply entangled in the toxic need to prove my worth by being NICE and putting others above myself.
I ALMOST CRIED IN HOW GOOD THIS VIDEO IS AND HOW GOOD IT UNDERSTANDS ME
you can either be loved or be yourself really resonates with me especially as someone who was born female but doesn’t consider myself a girl. i’m a feminist, i don’t like to shave, i have a pretty bad temper (i’m working on that though), i have mental illness, i don’t want to be a mother, and i’ve been told many times that no man would love me because of these things. but why do i need to change myself to be loved artificially? when i was younger i felt very insecure about not feeling or being like all the other girls, but lately i’ve been working on accepting myself as i am. i don’t see why i have to try to fit myself into a role i’m not and be miserable when i can be happy living the way i want to. i’ve stopped caring about how attractive my natural self is to men or women or anyone. i have some great relationships in my life, i’m not worried about forming specifically romantic ones. this comment has been a bit of a mess of my thoughts but i think in the end the hardest thing to accept was that my authentic self is lovable. maybe to a niche population, but there are people out there who appreciate me and any idiosyncrasies i have. okay that’s all i have to say.
edit: i now have a boyfriend who loves me for who i am :)
Worry not for the perspective of others until you are forced to keep them company. Privacy is a privilege and when you learn truly and deeply that you will always keep yourself company for the rest of your life. It won't ever get easy, but it'll get easier. Always give yourself the benefit of the doubt, until you are conscious of the fact that you are taking advantage of whatever life may be offering, and it may be tough, but deeply critique your beliefs, not only from what experiences they are based on. But the implications of the impact they will have on your future, both the idealistic and the realistic. Whatever you do in life, I wish you the best of luck and a safe future. With there being 8 billion people on this planet there bound to be at least 10000 people that will deeply resonate with your life experiences and understand how it's shaped your perspectives in life based on similar experiences of their own. Cherry pick what you will from what I typed, maybe it's all bs. But if anything helped you that would make me feel happy. Good luck, and may fate be in your side.
You're not less of a girl or not a girl because of that, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Being a girl or a woman doesn't mean anything and doesn't "feel" like anything, it just means you're a female human being but in everyday language people don't like using "female" so they creaged girl and woman. Other than that these words shouldn't mean a role or a look or a feel or behaviors or style etc. It's just a word. Good luck in life xoxo
My favorite way to stop from hiding my true self before I'm in too deep and have to sever the relationship bc I'm with somebody that isn't truly compatible:
Don't just use the pickup lines that work, use the ones that are personal to you. Sure, that means more people are going to be off put at first, but those people were going to go away anyways. Best to stop any of that before it happens.
I clicked this video on a whim and now I'm tearing up in the middle of the night. I didn't realize how much I needed somebody to say all these things in the video... Thanks for the enlightenment.
i don’t even know who i am. i just go with the flow and i do what feels right, which results in me being a kind of person that probably could be labeled as a type of person in the big picture, but i’m not labeling myself as anything. i’m just me, i just exists however i want and that’s that. and i let other people live how they want to live too.
one of my inspirations is harry styles, and you guys can role your eyes at that and hate all you want, but harry isn’t afraid to be himself and look where it’s gotten him. i truly love him so much, it’s not able to be explained. he’s open to the world and he accepts himself as who he is and he accepts others for who they are. and that is so beautiful. i’ve learned a lot from him.
i feel like if i meet a new person i might as well just be the truest version of me. the new person might dislike me, but at least i know that that’s how they truly feel about me. if they do like me, i know that they truly like the real me. if i’d pretend to be someone else and they’d like me, they’d like the fake version of me, and that would only complicate things.
of course i shouldn’t forget that people change all the time, including me. someone may like me for me, the true me, but i could change and they may dislike that change. i would still be me, still the true version of me, but then it wouldn’t work anymore. relationships in any type of way or form come and go. and that’s okay. you just have to appreciate them when they’re there
Really eye opening, couldn't explain it any better, though another thing we should consider is our maturity/growth, or rather the lack thereof. We tend to think that acting with primal/immature traits, are who we are, when in fact, it is unnatural for a mature person to act as such, emotions over ration isn't you, being selfish isn't you, being impulsive isn't you, etc., these kinds of traits are objectively unattractive and unhealthy, not only for romantic relationships, but as well as our relationships with our friends and family, it's important to distinguish between who we truly are vs where we lack growth in, I for one know this because of the several times I had severed ties with certain people in my life over me lacking compassion, prioritizing how I feel and doing what feels right over what IS right.
Be the change you want to be in the world. Treat others how you want to be treated. If you want to be loved, be yourself. What connects these is the idea that you can and should love other people for who they are, or who they want to be- not who you want them to be. And in doing so you are justified in asking other people to do the same. You can't ever expect them to do the same- that defeats the point, and I think it shows that you shouldn't be close friends with them, but try if you will. The point is that you don't have to choose between being loved and being yourself, just don't be a hypocrite and people tend to respect that. Edit: Or at least I do.
I’ve always thought there was something wrong with the way I viewed things I always feel like other people’s pain hurts me more than my own pain it’s as if I can empathise with everyone and I can put myself in their shoes no matter who the person is and I feel like it drains me out emotionally
There is this anxiety to being ourselves and not feeling worthy of love, perhaps as the video suggests from our parents or people around us growing up when we had these survival strategies to play the part, but something I never thought about was how I could be loved by being ourselves. There's a difference between being loved for the mask and being loved deeply. Showing up as yourself to be loved means that people can finally see the parts of you that you hold dear and love them.
“We put our health at risk in order to be loved” humbled me quickly, i know I’m a people pleaser due to childhood trauma, I’m also trying to stop because it’s not only harmful to me but also those in my life, unfortunately I feel so mean doing so because it upsets people that I’m changing that trait, but I guess that just tells you who belongs in your life and who likes the people pleasing version of you
This came at such a right time. I'm having the worst time with myself and there are times when I need to hear stuff like these as reassurance.
Thank you for another great video
RUclips recommended this in the perfect time. I'm currently in an existencial crisis/ paradox. I'm trying to find the light. I feel like you have pointed out things I have to feel more. Thank you
Oddly enough this was exactly what I needed to hear. Been pondering some past behaviors I keep acting on and trying to get to the root of it has left me rather lost for words. The video hit the nail on the head.
Thank you so much for your uploads!
Thank you Sisyphus 55 for always making it easier to deal with hard stuff