I see it as a slow denial. Like they don't want to tell you that they aren't interested so they'll just ghost you and figure you'll get the idea that they don't want to be bothered with. It's pretty sad, i see it a lot of times.
I literally just sent a text the other day that said “I felt you pulled your energy back, is everything ok?” It opened up the door for a great explanation and a conversation around expectations. Try not to be too afraid of saying something. .. If you get a crappy response then move on.
I can’t tell you how long you have to go through what you are going through but I can tell you in your way you are going to make it through you may not see the progress you making but trust me love ❤️only you still being alive and here refusing to give up showls your bravery and strength...Soon you’ll be fine and whole again💫💕.
.... Exactly. I actually have done this though only to receive responses shifted back in my direction as if I am overreacting to even ask that and all in my head... Meanwhile I mean a ton to this person and yet I run into these walls what feels more often. So much now I feel barely in their life. Yet if I call em on it... It's all me. It's exhausting... They're somehow in this pattern that everything is just bad with me 24/7, that I never see the good in anything, that it's all about my own mentality, and that I just excessively worry about nothing... So unfortunately when I try to inquire of the energy shift and sudden drop off the face of the Earth.... It's somehow on me for me reacrions perceived rather than why I am asking in the first place. Or if I do try to focus on them and their needs..? That's thrown in my face. People are exhausting.
I did the same thing. I asked why she would go long periods without returning my text. Turns out, she didn't even notice. She has worked on being better and I've worked on my anxious attachment. 5 months later, im so happy and I know she is too
@@Aaron-pd6uu i don't care if she is not there in the beginning because how would i know she would be there in the end? Being busy is just an excuse. A reply can be done in under 1 minute.
@@picanha694 if a person is in a airplane they cannot reply. If they are at a normal job, can't reply. Meeting, Can't reply. Driving job, can't reply safely. Or they may have their phone in silent temporarily while they are locked in handling business. You must not be an adult to understand the different possible perspectives
Great topic. In this age of dating with “texting” there is a specific abuse that happens with “ghosting”, avoiding, ignoring. When it turns into a relationship and it is happening, it’s a true form of abuse that seems to be overlooked.
Ghosting is an odd one that’s hard to fully handle on both sides. I think when it turns into a relationship, expectations of text response times have to be agreed upon, as unfortunately we all have very different ideas of ‘how long’ until it qualifies as ignoring or ghosting
Oh I'm so glad I stumbled upon this conversation. I've had several bad experiences in this arena and I can tell you from a man's point of view that ghosting is par for the course. You text saying hello it was really nice meeting you, or something of the like and get nothing but dead air. There's a tactic employed by pick up artists that basically says, unless a girl texts you, you don't text her at all. And the whole point of any text is to get her to think about you. Often times they will delay texting you back in order to fain being busy with other things. It's a cat and mouse game that is used to get and keep a female interested. The reason this is developed is because it's natural to avoid saying that you aren't interested i.e. lies. "I've got a boyfriend, you're cute, but I'm a lesbian, sure meet me at xyz oh sorry my mom just died"??? { Wasn't your mom's funeral two months ago when I asked you out the first time?} ... 👻 Point is it's best to treat people how you would like to be treated, and call out your friends as being horrible people when they do this kind of thing. The best way to drop a man easy is to say "look, I'm not getting a good vibe here, so I'm just not attracted to you enough to date you right now. Maybe you can work on yourself a bit, and try again with another girl. You're really sweet and I'm sure you'll find a good woman for you, but I ain't it. " It's honest, it's not mean, and you may even have helped them out. Men go through so much rejection, heartache, and loneliness, that adding to it is just cruel.
I think the anxiety of waiting for texts and overthinking and decoding stems from two reasons: a. We need to get a life and be whole on our own, if your daily routine is jam packed and full of life purpose, literally you won’t care if and when he is texting. You are not counting on the other person to fulfill you or to complete you. b. Women are afraid to lose the guy she has feelings with, when we should invest based on how he acts not how you feel about him. Learn from men, they always keep their options open until commitment happens and rarely fixated on one woman at the beginning no matter how good you are.
We all have a basic level of normal that we want in a relationship. Just from my experience, it's never good to compromise on what feels normal to you. If you feel something is off with the communication right away, it's not worth it. If they're texting obsessively and you let them know it's too much but they keep doing it, end it right away. Same If they are hardly communicating and leave you a 1 word message every other day. If you're not happy with the level of communication, the other person might change temporarily to appease you but will always go back to the way they were initially.
Yes I have found the obsessive texting is even worse. When they start complaining about not texting back as much too then Im just done. Makes me feel trapped...i think people worry they are actually the person texting way too much so they are afraid to bring it up.
I love that you use the word "normal" to describe that those extreme behaviours which feel toxic are relative to our standard of normal, which could be very different for someone else and which is indeed different for the people acting these ways. That show that the energy doesn't match and allows to acknowledge that in comparison to the attraction we feel for them - and eventually make an informed decision.
Why is replying quickly a red flag as many suggest? I'm a quick replier with everyone; I have a rich, full life, too. I feel like it's over analyzing to say someone is desperate for replying quickly, or has no life. I feel like it's weirder to stare at the text and actually think: well, I'll wait a casual three hours to act like I'm busy. I tend to reply right when I see the message. If I can't be my natural self around you, then probably not a good fit. My friends and I fire off random texts all day to each other, especially if the convo is good. If the guy really likes me. This is fun sometimes, too. How can you have a good texting banter with days between texts?
Some people, like me, like to be in the moment. I don't like to pick up my phone and give a quick text. I need to be thoughtful about what im saying. That thoughtfulness extends to how I treat my partners. But to expect me to get back to you right away just to chit chat when you're not my boyfriend feels weird. I don't have time in my day to think about someone I don't know that well yet so many times.
If you ALWAYS reply quickly it means you CANT have a rich fully life because it means you are always looking to your phone instead of "living" your life and focusing on the present.
I believe that a RED FLAG comes when you notice that you are the only person who starts a conversation... or the one that always says "hi", "good morning", etc etc... even if it is after 2-4 days of zero communication. That for me shows NO interest at all from the other part.
Hi :) You definitely have a point. But also there are such kind of people who REPEATEDLY behave very cold if the conversation wasn't started by them... or the topic is not about THEIR interests. If someone still likes them, it might be painful experience,- so they stop to write first or decide not to keep such imitation of "relationship". And in such cases first kind usually don't think about if they caused that change - they usually focus on "I always write first! I've tried to be good friend, but they left me. It must be because they are horrible people". And never realise how cold or even ignoring they often behaved when it wasn't their initiative to talk or the other person needed to talk about smth. important just for them. === For me, yes, I want to see some level of initiative too,- but more important is how consistent is kindnes, warmth and attention from the other person. Can I sometimes initiate topic that is important only for me and get some kind attention and support / or caring responce,- many people in my past wrote / called first to GET that from me - and for some time I gave - because thought the kind caring was mutual. But after receiving some level of coldness and uncaryness when it was about me,- I just decided not to keep such contacts in my life.
Lol I suck at texting and avoid it where possible. It’s never stopped me maintaining interest in a person and as long as they make it clear that they need me to text for them to feel interest and value, then I set an alarm on my phone as a reminder
@@lunar686 "then I set an alarm on my phone as a reminder" if only more people were like you who set a reminder themselves instead of expecting other people to always remind them stuff whenever I ask someone something they tell me "ok but remind me" it's like I'm dealing with literal children
@@ЛюдаЛ-ж6лwell what if he's not talking just says hi good morning etc but nothing about his day and I feel weird asking him questions also he would leave me on seen for hours and reply later then 5 hrs saying " missing you" when I said what are u doing ._.
If their actions aren’t matching their words, the words mean nothing. Don’t waste a single second longer and run an absolute mile. Don’t let anyone disturb your peace. No one.
Slow replies are a no go… don’t even bother pursuing. It is low interest plain and simple. Move on quickly and efficiently. Find someone with more interest or you are asking for a painful experience
@@Lizmo0205 if its consistently 2-3h+ reply time (more than half the time) I'd consider it replying late. If its once in a while or I know they're busy during a certain time of day thats different
Very interesting. Bottom line is if they aren't on the same page as you, don't waste your time. When two people meet, you either get together or you don't on a higher level, there is no guesswork. It's really as simple as that.
Yesss the key here is that if we are sitting around stressing it is because we are not being present in our own life…I realized it’s a matter of stopping thinking about it and actually living my best day.
I don't like too much messaging - if someone is texting me too often I feel suffocated and pressured to respond - when I do reply, I'll send a few long paragraphs and don't expect someone to respond straight away either! I'd rather have a good few quality messages, leading to voice notes or phone calls and spending time together, than frequent texts that are pointless and small talk. I think we're all different and it's important to recognise our own needs and what it is we want from someone else - and why, what need are the text messages fulfilling?
Okay, maybe this is my mistake? I (28M) am dating this girl who sends me these long "high quality" paragraphs. Before our first date it easily took 20-30 minutes to respond to these, because they were that long. However, I tend to respond rather quickly, while she took a day, sometimes 2 to respond. In part because I don't like keeping people on read for too long, making them think I'm not interested... Now we did have an enjoyable first date and she told me via text "thanks for the very nice afternoon" immediately after. We also had this running joke about her having to write a "motivation letter to apply for a museum visit with me". 2 days after the date, she sends me a picture of her handwritten motivation letter. Now, I responded the same evening and now, she has left me on read for 3 days. It just seems like it gets "longer and longer for her to reply", which makes me doubt, but maybe I shouldn't? I just want to ask her out on a second date. I did ask her in my response letter when she was available for a "personal conversation".
@@speedbarbaar in general, whether with this girl or any other, I would avoid texting but so much in response. Even if a girl tends to send really long deep texts, don't focus so much on responding to every single aspect of it. Immediately shift the text conversation to making plans to meet up again - not necessarily anything fancy - then unpack the essays then lol The way I see it, long texts like those just mean there's that much more worth talking about in person. Not in a checklist sort of way but just trusting that she's that eager to open up to me making me all the more interested to more deeply know the girl behind it all. She probably took longer an longer to respond because your [I'm assuming] equally lengthy responses didn't leave enough intrigue to maintain her interest. Granted her messages were perhaps longer than yours so she was just as "guilty" haha, but you're in control of how you resply... Focus on meeting up and not much more, since things like eye contact and body language say more and are far more exciting that playing the "will she, won't she text back" game. 3 days is far too long to still be invested - that's almost certainly a lack of interest at that point.
@@speedbarbaarI don't agree with the above commenter. As a female who has sent big paras before, I sometimes feel ticked off when the other person doesn't give the same time and consideration. This happens when I've taken my time to compose it. If it was just general busyness that made me reply late, I'm happy when they don't mirror the delay. If it was me putting in time, I'd like them to process it fully, instead of jumping at it to respond. It feels like you're not taken seriously and not appreciated at all. Also, might give off desperation sometimes and a doubt whether they're really on the same page or not. There could be a billion reasons but jumping the gun is almost never the answer. How are things today with the date? Did you resolve it?
I personally do not read my messages for hours because I have all notifications turned off. I do not want to be a slave to my phone. I prefer meeting in person and phone calls. When younger, I did use texts more often. It is best to introduce our texting habbits at the very beginning of the relationship.
I completely agree… I’m dating someone who has an Apple Watch and when we go out, his phone is always by his side…. So, when I text and he doesn’t answer for a while, I question why… it’s been confusing for me.
@@tiffanystrand4423 Don't text too much. Saying it just in case😊 Secondly, my experience is that no matter what, when a guy really likes me, he will find time to send me hearts and good morning texts etc. Always. When they're not interested they suddenly get very busy. So, we must almost accept it as a fact of life :)
Completely agree with this, lot less room for misunderstandings too focussing on the dates instead. Also texting non stop small talk is surely going use up all the convo for when you’re face to face, slippery slope.
If somebody is not taking long to respond, just forget that person, you aren’t of interest to them, especially if its in the early stages, early stages you will know if that person had your attention n vice versa
If you stop txting like before be open and say why don’t keep saying you are “busy” everyone is busy… if you want to talk to someone you will and i repeat YOU WILL make the time
Jameson's comment about "anyone in life who is dangerous lacks impulse control." Hit home for me, and there would be a lack of maturity there too typically
You have to know that most people have their phones in their hands practically the whole day. Even when they are busy! But most people act like they're busy because they don't want to look desperate or too available. Of course people cán be busy many times. But if it takes too long to get a reply every single time, then that might be a problem. I'd say it's time to move on then. Don't invest your energy in someone who is not equally investing theirs in you.
He would text really late and there are days when he would reply to me after 8 hours...three days ago, i decided to test him. I did not reply for two days straight. on the third day, he told me, "Okay, if you don't wanna talk to me anymore..." I tried reaching out to him. He hasn't replied yet. I am sad. Felt like it's my fault. Update: he texted me on the 3rd day and said he had a problem with his phone. He is now texting me regularly but i have decided to treat him as a second option. I am dating other guys.
I experienced the same story... He took between 2 to 5 days to reply to my messages. On the last occasion, I didn't reply within 2 days and on the second day he told me: "I see you don't answer to me so thank you and goodbye"...
Love the dialogue on maturity and impulse control. Definitely important to keep an eye on those aspects of self and others in relationships. Thanks for another great video! 😊
if they are not replying, or you get the usual baffling Australian Hey on day 5, it doesn’t matter how brilliant the things you say, it will be this deadly dull communication back, it’s constant here, very poor communication even from highly successful men, i dont understand why they bother texting at all… single for 3 years i’m so over it
Yes, red flag to me! Met a guy online, went on our first date two weeks later. After that it was silent for days. How do you keep momentum and get to know somebody in between dates? I don't need to text all day every day, but no texts for days is a whole different level. He eventually reached out and I asked for a second date. You would think it would initiate a conversation over text, but no. Two weeks later our second date went very well. After that, didn't hear from him for days. I texted, asked him for a third date, he said he was not feeling a spark. That was a weird fart in the wind experience.
@@mabe-t9z true, very true. But I was also taking in consideration he was busy with his own daily activities. On the first date he specifically told me he wanted to take his time to get to know me. So if this was his way of taking his time, his efforts were less than bare minimum. And on the second date he wanted to extend the length of the date. He was giving me signals of interest, that's why I was convinced it had to be something else than not being interested.
@@MariaV0071so, another red flag is the juxtaposition of his words Vs. actions… he’s saying he’s interested, but his actions do not back up the words… watch out for that. If a man is attracted to you, he WILL SHOW YOU.
The key words in this video EARLY DATING. You have to build up to to genuine conversation. I think a lot of people suffer from codependency so they get into 'round the clock conversation to not feel alone and get upset with people who don't reciprocated because it highlights how alone they feel. It's a projection. But once someone is your boyfriend or girlfriend, i think you do have to communicate clearly and check in. However, i will never text people back during a work day. My job takes incredible focus. Ive never had a real adult expect texts from me between 9-5.
@@enriqueperezarce5485 It's a red flag because it's a sign that later in a relationship, we will be the one who always have to give more. Usually when i get slow replies, I will match the energy and the whole conversation will die down by itself because, well none of us are really that interested.
It’s not that deep. Some people value personal interactions more than messages. They are messages for a reason(not urgent) if you want a quick response, call or FaceTime. It’s childish to look at a relationship based on how long they’d reply to you.
@@DeGuzman2392 I wouldn't consider it a red flag tbh, but it's not something to dismiss so lightly either. I'm replying instantly when I'm really into someone. When not, I can take my time, could be hours, or a day. The current person I'm seeing said he has never liked intense communication, which is good because I'm not all that into him so I don't feel pressured to respond fast. I can get away with forgetting even sometimes. So, similar actions can mean different things to different people.
@@Predictable1 well I certainly ain’t looking at my damn phone all day like a high schooler if my girl want to be provided and protected for. If a girl want a text buddy do it w the girls or find a bum.
Long distance and extremely busy with his work. He hates texting but always texts in his free time which unfortunately is very little. Sometimes it's 5 hours between texts but he says he loves getting my texts even if he can not reply in that moment.
No guy is too busy to send a text. Even if they have to text you back to say I’ll text you after work. If they don’t, they’re just not interested. Been there. Feel you.
@@Louann-vz4ts respectfully you do not know what his job is. He text me first thing in the morning, during breaks and after work when available. I know he is interested we are on the same page with this. Please don't judge what you do not know about my relationship. I don't disclose everything about it.
@@sarahmiller901 fair call. From your initial statement you said you understand why he doesn’t text more…considering he texts you so much I’m surprised you’d expect more to be honest. No disrespect. Appreciate your feedback
@@dreamypurrz really? OMG either I have an issue because of my low tolerance to be ignored by my romantic/sexual parthers or this ghosting thing is way too normalized. I give My friend a week before I start wondering if they are alive. With people I am seeing/dating I give them only 3 days... I mean, I don't know them like that to trust their intentions, not out of jelousy, but out of playing games wise. I don't want to waste My time with somebody that don't value me as a parther potential enough to even give me a quick update. I also give 3 chances, 1st because... Is the first and I like to see what's their whole stand point. Second, then I Will explain how this works for me and adjust My expectations. And if there is a third... Well then... I have an automated message to send them. I don't even engage
@Tyler Lee of course I agree! It's not the most fun thing to do but defenitely the most considerate thing. I am in Colombia actually, but guys here also ghost 😅
In general if they are interested you don't need to make an analysis, once you're nerves get rattled because of bad energy move on.....really get a quick move on..
kind of disagree with that love bombing part, if someone is showing that their really into you, and you don't give them the time of day; don't be surprised when everything goes cold; the feeling maybe genuine but it wont last if the other person lacks the same level of expression. everything they do for you they want to receive back.
If you’re focusing on one thing, you will notice too much. So it’s why if you have too much time on your hands early on in dating someone, you need to do more with your life. Stay busy and have fun with your life. People who are busy do not text constantly, they are too busy to text, even in early dating stages. People who are interest will text, but rather talk IN PERSON.
@@blazinjaye45people with shit to do most definitely can be too busy to text back right away all the time. Yes someone that's genuinely interested in you will find a way to make time for you, but not everyone operates at the same pace/schedule... Not to mention the fact that if someone barely knows you, just because they're interested in you doesn't mean they're going to drop everything to tend to you. There's healthy amount of balance required for adult living and bringing new people into your life - you can be interested in a person yet still not quite know them well enough yet to know just how much you're willing to invest in them. At the end of the day, someone you just met less than a week ago still doesn't know you yet..so you're not necessarily going to be priority number one for someone that has other things going on. Context matters tho
I am freaking busy as fuck with a healthy social life, work, gym and other things, but I can still easily send a couple of messages. Only when I am in a meeting or something where I literally can't be on my phone are times where I need like 3 hours to respond. But that is rare.
It’s a horrible feeling, and I believe most people generally want to just connect with someone they like and build a relationship with them, it’s not that complicated. Unfortunately for a vast majority it can be very difficult. It’s hard to remember all the time, it’s the actions that matter not the words.
I think there’s gotta be some kinda balance. I’ve dated a lot of different personalities and I noticed that the men who texted me the most so early on into dating did not last. Texting creates a false sense of connection. Whereas the guys who don’t blow up my phone but we chat for a couple minutes everyday, our connection seems more genuine
Matthew's content is so brilliant that I really appreciate finding these gems on RUclips that help us all to grow to a better person with ourselves and with our potential partners. I know that the majority of his audience are women, but I believe if more men would drop their toxic masculinity and gather all the valuable lessons like these, the world would be a better place. We all just want to be better humans. That's it.
Slow replies can be a red flag or can be a green flag. If I'm busy, I will reply when I have time, when I have my phone in my hand and I get a text, I'll reply. I'm not going to wait a day to reply just to make her think I'm busy. And if she thinks I reply quick because she thinks i got nothing else going on in my life then I feel it's her problem and not mine. You know when someone is needy when texting. If they reply quickly all the time or when the text you multiple messages in a row that's a red flag. I always have my phone close to me, in case of emergency, so it's completely normal to respond quickly imo.
It sometimes may just mean they aren’t as busy as you/don’t have as much going on so have more time on their hands but not necessarily to be seen as red flags
For me I’m super busy and happy with my life I don’t obsess over messages etc never have sometimes I don’t get time to say reply to constant messages and that would be a red flag for me yes I make time to respond/reciprocate but not constantly maybe in the evenings when I have a little more time :)
Slow replies could also be because someone is slightly avoidant or feels like they're not good enough. Of course, some people (ill ones) respond slowly or not at all on purpose.
I dont think its a red flag really, its common to want to be totally into your person to begin with. Even though there are the many rosy phases of talking\being with your crush, feeling attraction. If you really want to build up something you have to consider the question do you both have the same intention? How much effort is texting? How willing are both of you to communicate? Sometimes it can take time to establish a more open communication. Personally I would rather have him\my crush ask me questions about things in stead of the good mornings and good nights. No matter how strong the attraction might be\seem the thing that totally blows me off my feet is when I notice his GENUINE interest, this to me is the real true magic.
I don’t text often. I don’t like being on my phone and honestly I find it highly unattractive seeing a man pull out his phone during a date, or often in general. There is no self control, no surprise. I let them know right away but they don’t believe me until I take a few hours to respond because I’m busy being present l
This is very context-dependent. Slow replies would only be a red flag for me if they went back on their word, or did not follow through something they implied when they initially presented themselves (or their intentions) to be a certain way. In other words, if their actions don’t match their words. If they communicate that they’re a slow texter because of their lifestyle, that should be okay unless they are fast texters to someone else.
From a slow/delayed texter , I could like you the most and I’ll still do this because texting gives me anxiety.. I overthink my responses so I’ll do this even if I’m beyond interested in you ..
Listen people I’m 26 years old and been dating for years, different woman. If a woman takes more than 4 hours to reply , she’s definitely not interested.. Every WOMAN has there phone glued to them regardless of what she does for work. They have restroom breaks, break time at work and lunch.. She has plenty of time to reply. Move on, have self respect and find another woman who shows she’s interested and not like your bugging them
This. Wow. I've recently been experiencing this + feeling crazy so I APPRECIATE this topic of conversation (with wicked timing i might add too!) THANK YOU!!!
I can’t tell you how long you have to go through what you are going through but I can tell you in your way you are going to make it through you may not see the progress you making but trust me love ❤️only you still being alive and here refusing to give up showls your bravery and strength...Soon you’ll be fine and whole again💫💕.
Do I have the right to expect the person to message me at least once a day? I feel that i need it in an unhealthy way as his no messaging makes me feel there's something wrong. Even though in person, I don't feel that.
@itsmemaysa same situation. The guy I've talking to rarely text but I see him a couple days a week, which is clearly better but I think we as a society have emphasized texting as a way to gage if a person is into you that it makes us feel a certain way if we don't get a bunch of text
It depends because when a friend doesn't reply it doesn't bother us, we don't even remember BUT when a romantic partner doesn't we can't stop thinking about it ,check our phones, make multiple scenarios in our head: why? What happened etc? . Same thing when a friend cancel dinner date it's OK, no problem, we're cool with it BUT when romantic partner does it we fear that they pull away, we panic , we get upset 😅
When a love interest is a slow replier. You just have to address the issue. You can do 2 things. The first one is to stop asking question and let them start the conversation. If they don't start the conversation first, you move on. Second thing you could do but is kind of risky imo, is saying, look I feel like I'm putting more effort into this than you, where do we stand with eachother. The second option is when things are already a bit serious. Don't do it when you just met a girl, you would come of as needy.
Just because you have different communication styles? Video was exactly about the opposite. Thus, the answer can be figured out. Maybe there's no compatibility when it comes to frequency in communication. Can you force them to communicate in a way that is not natural for them? That might just result in them being overwhelmed by you. In any way, depending on how far you are in that relationship, you can express to them how you feel when it happens, as well as looking into why you feel anxious. It may help to shift the focus on yourself rather than a relationship or them.
As a neurodivergent person, hearing that "impulsive people are usually the dangerous ones" is very discouraging to hear. There's people out there whose brains are just wired different and that's why their impulse control is worse, without any bad intentions. While I understand people want consitency and stability, on the other hand, some folks out there who are neurodivergent or live with some sort of mental illness cannot live up to the same standard, no matter how hard they try. Do they not deserve love? Sadly, I don't have a solution. It is going to be individual to each relationship, will need communication and compassion. But I'd appreciate if inconsistency and/or overexcitement wasn't labelled as a red flag.
Lol. Yep...lol. Well at least adhd isn’t officially called a ‘defect of moral control’ anymore. Unfortunately, many of our common symptoms will light up as ‘red flags’ for people who have experienced abuse. For example, overexcitable, hyperfocus and impulse control can often be perceived as a ‘tactic of lovebombing’ and it may take time for them to realise these symptoms present outside of just interpersonal relationships lol....on the plus side, it does weed out people who make assumptions about behaviour from those with more mature communication skills lol
Well, I think he's talking about people who are not neurodivergent or without mental illnesses. You can't just say for example "everyone should be able to run 1 mile. Obviously people in a wheelchair can't do that so that doesn't apply to them. He's just talking in general, you can expect certain behaviour from people and if they don't, then that's a red flag.
I don't know. Who are you trying to chat? I'm bad on chat. I like to speak on the phone. Chat, door knock, I may put phone down and forget. I like meeting people in friendly places. Sitting in public. Eating alone, invite myself in (I pay for my own food)
Different people have different definitions of slow... Some people have unrealistic expectations of how quick the other person should respond, and some people are quite interested in the person but get carried away with putting themselves first and/or not wanting to appear too desparate because they're convinced that that's the game. It's not always anything to take personally. A lot of the people you just met don't know you well enough to know a pace that's appropriate, especially if they're less experienced with dating.
Every time I hear the word in stages in dating, I cringe, it takes the romance right out of it, like we’re in interview rounds waiting to be given an offer from a difficult hiring manager.
But why would he started a conversation first when you answer then no more answer ..esp he was the one called before saying just want to hear your voice..
Its a redflag at any stage of a relationship..if she doesnt respond to texts or calls..for hours on end ..she just doesnt want to..low interest ..shes texting others..women never let there phones be idle..
Exactly. They literally live on their phones. If it was a social media follow from a singer/actor or crush they had, they would immediately respond. 10/10 times. They do that because the interest is really low or they are vindictive and narcissistic.
Why would he text and say…so when are we going to meet? He has been inconsistent so far. I said, how about this week? What is your schedule? It’s been a day and no answer. Omg…men over 50 are annoying!!!
I would never not bring it up. I'm so glad I have the "balls" to do this after years of not. I'll never not. As a secure attachment style. I'm a communicator. I can respect boundaries. But first you must communicate. Also , I had a guy come in "giddy with excitement" and of course it slowed down. And he's still here. And not looking to go anywhere. So....I disagree with your last sentiments.
I have been slower at replying because of anxiety with text. I liked space too. I have been interested in people but busy and interested in other things too. If someone expects me to respond their non important messages everyday, forget it.
Texting can " disguise " something as an energy shift . Texting is simply just messages on paper . You don't know until you SEE that person . So hard .... But your better off waiting till you see them
My bf was perfectly responsive in the beginning even when we were just friends. Good morning texts everyday. Two years later and we barely message each other and many times he forgets to text back or even an important thing happening in my life I told him through text. When I bring it up he just beats himself up about it blaming his adhd. I have a hard time relating because I have terrible memory but I rarely forget to message someone back. Only person I can think of is a group project partner in class because we barely know each other. So, not really sure if anything can be done about it but it sucks when he use to always remember. 😞
I dated my ex for 6 years and I never forgot to reply to her and I always made her my priority. If your bf can remember to text you everyday when he first met you, I am pretty sure he can do the same 2 years later.
What if he has a more busy job now and when I point out im fustrated about him not texting as much he seems to do better for a couple weeks. I wish someone with adhd would comment on this but Im sure everyone with adhd is a little different.
How about using the phone to call you? I work with kids that have ADHD and they remember everything they're truly interested in. Sounds like your BF got comfortable and lazy as time went on in your relationship.
Audrey 🥰 there are many seconds in your words that are articulated quite identical to the South African accent in areas in Johannesburg South Africa , but you are blessed with such a beautiful accent 🥰
I just started talking to this new guy and he left for Southeast Asia right after we started talking. He will send Snapchats but sometimes won’t reply to my texts for a while. But I just tell myself he’s busy traveling and is closer to other friends than me so he doesn’t feel the need to text asap
Im very slow at replying and try to show effort when the time comes I finally answer (im very anxious over text, i overthink them, therefore avoid and delay them) it’s not because of im not intrested, most of the time it’s because I care a lot
"Anyone in life who is dangerous lacks impulse control"... or just has ADHD and tries their best but now gets a label of being dangerous and being a red flag. 😢
To slow down after a while it's good to me to figure out what he need from me after we have been texting and talking a lot so we have to move on and see how this relationship gonna goes. If we still like each others or NOT! 👀 #regrets
Once it becomes too much like replaying after few hours ,, or it's become a common behaviour the other person gonna lost interest and thinks they are not a priority to you .
Expectinf quick replies and everyday contact is a need of our inner child wounds. We need to feel chosen to feel we have value. Healthy relationships dont communicate every day, they do share time and experiences, tho. Focus on the really important experiences, not a text msg.
What if things were great and they were messaging all the time? And we were talking all night every night? Things were perfect. Then he started not texting when he got up but rather when he's going to work. I see him online but he doesnt read my messages as much. And last night he called hoirs later and he says he fell asleep but im nearly positive he called someone else. And he left the conversation early. We are long distance and he took things to a different level. So when he messaged me this evening on his way to work after telling me hed get up early to talk to me. I waited an hour to respond. He didn't reply like he normally does and then just told me to take care. He always sends a kiss emoji, but not this time.
I think her good morning she texts me hours later good evening but on social media most of the day. SMH! I like this girl but the energy is different now.
Love Bombing is Narcissististic and when I tried to slow down this from a narcissist he just kept firing away as if I had never said anything , and it became the most dangerous relationship of my life 🧬 and narcissists have no love in them to give so you can't expect love from a place there is non to give. . .
I think people read far too much into things. Met someone last year he's in another country and I text him when I want. He isn't the type to text first but never fails to respond to any of my text msgs whether straight away or 5hrs later. People csn get busy as I do and depending what I'm doing I have my notifications off. I'm not going to hang around to wait for him to text first and say to myself I always text first that's just playing games with your mind. If he didn't respond to all my msgs I can generally read the energy and as I deal with people all day everyday in my job I think I'm pretty intuitive. I just don't read too much into things do it or don't do it 😜
I think that’s a different scenario as your not in the same country, sounds like a distant friend…also anyone can reply to a message even if their not interested that much! That fact that he doesn’t text you first (rarely or ever) is a sign of low priority/interest. Obviously if your not that bothered then kudos to you ❤
Men : Make sure your busy and are working on having a life of value , do this before you try to date then if she takes 1-3 days to reply you won’t even notice… 👍🏾💯
Some ppl intentionally take hours to respond to a text, it's a manipulation tactic to get u hooked, huge RedFlag.
I see it as a slow denial. Like they don't want to tell you that they aren't interested so they'll just ghost you and figure you'll get the idea that they don't want to be bothered with. It's pretty sad, i see it a lot of times.
I literally just sent a text the other day that said “I felt you pulled your energy back, is everything ok?”
It opened up the door for a great explanation and a conversation around expectations.
Try not to be too afraid of saying something. .. If you get a crappy response then move on.
I can’t tell you how long you have to go through what you are going through but I can tell you in your way you are going to make it through you may not see the progress you making but trust me love ❤️only you still being alive and here refusing to give up showls your bravery and strength...Soon you’ll be fine and whole again💫💕.
.... Exactly. I actually have done this though only to receive responses shifted back in my direction as if I am overreacting to even ask that and all in my head...
Meanwhile I mean a ton to this person and yet I run into these walls what feels more often. So much now I feel barely in their life. Yet if I call em on it... It's all me.
It's exhausting...
They're somehow in this pattern that everything is just bad with me 24/7, that I never see the good in anything, that it's all about my own mentality, and that I just excessively worry about nothing...
So unfortunately when I try to inquire of the energy shift and sudden drop off the face of the Earth.... It's somehow on me for me reacrions perceived rather than why I am asking in the first place.
Or if I do try to focus on them and their needs..? That's thrown in my face.
People are exhausting.
@@unknownanonymous1662 dating is exhausting
Good one!
Being honest and fair is essential to mature dating.
I did the same thing. I asked why she would go long periods without returning my text. Turns out, she didn't even notice. She has worked on being better and I've worked on my anxious attachment. 5 months later, im so happy and I know she is too
If a person does not reciprocate effort……it’s a red flag to me.
Agreed.. But it's hard when I'm the empath, and she's the narcissist.. 😔😔
You must be very annoying
Some people have more going on in their life than you and are busier
@@Aaron-pd6uu i don't care if she is not there in the beginning because how would i know she would be there in the end?
Being busy is just an excuse. A reply can be done in under 1 minute.
@@picanha694 if a person is in a airplane they cannot reply. If they are at a normal job, can't reply. Meeting, Can't reply. Driving job, can't reply safely. Or they may have their phone in silent temporarily while they are locked in handling business. You must not be an adult to understand the different possible perspectives
Great topic. In this age of dating with “texting” there is a specific abuse that happens with “ghosting”, avoiding, ignoring. When it turns into a relationship and it is happening, it’s a true form of abuse that seems to be overlooked.
Ghosting is an odd one that’s hard to fully handle on both sides. I think when it turns into a relationship, expectations of text response times have to be agreed upon, as unfortunately we all have very different ideas of ‘how long’ until it qualifies as ignoring or ghosting
@@lunar686 Greatings Blessing,peace,love and light be with you alway sis ❤️💫🙏
Thank you. Ghosting is abuse and should never be accepted
@@Moonlover1492
🤣🤣🤣 WTH?!
Oh I'm so glad I stumbled upon this conversation. I've had several bad experiences in this arena and I can tell you from a man's point of view that ghosting is par for the course. You text saying hello it was really nice meeting you, or something of the like and get nothing but dead air. There's a tactic employed by pick up artists that basically says, unless a girl texts you, you don't text her at all. And the whole point of any text is to get her to think about you. Often times they will delay texting you back in order to fain being busy with other things. It's a cat and mouse game that is used to get and keep a female interested. The reason this is developed is because it's natural to avoid saying that you aren't interested i.e. lies. "I've got a boyfriend, you're cute, but I'm a lesbian, sure meet me at xyz oh sorry my mom just died"??? { Wasn't your mom's funeral two months ago when I asked you out the first time?} ... 👻 Point is it's best to treat people how you would like to be treated, and call out your friends as being horrible people when they do this kind of thing. The best way to drop a man easy is to say "look, I'm not getting a good vibe here, so I'm just not attracted to you enough to date you right now. Maybe you can work on yourself a bit, and try again with another girl. You're really sweet and I'm sure you'll find a good woman for you, but I ain't it. " It's honest, it's not mean, and you may even have helped them out. Men go through so much rejection, heartache, and loneliness, that adding to it is just cruel.
I think the anxiety of waiting for texts and overthinking and decoding stems from two reasons: a. We need to get a life and be whole on our own, if your daily routine is jam packed and full of life purpose, literally you won’t care if and when he is texting. You are not counting on the other person to fulfill you or to complete you. b. Women are afraid to lose the guy she has feelings with, when we should invest based on how he acts not how you feel about him. Learn from men, they always keep their options open until commitment happens and rarely fixated on one woman at the beginning no matter how good you are.
Since social media, women have 10 times more options than men. Its not a men thing.
It’s courtesy to text or call within a reliable time frame
❤ True
What? I've seen the other way around always
Its respect and manners 😂 why you gotta try make it that deep. Its rude in the least and straight disrespectful at worst.
We all have a basic level of normal that we want in a relationship. Just from my experience, it's never good to compromise on what feels normal to you. If you feel something is off with the communication right away, it's not worth it. If they're texting obsessively and you let them know it's too much but they keep doing it, end it right away. Same If they are hardly communicating and leave you a 1 word message every other day. If you're not happy with the level of communication, the other person might change temporarily to appease you but will always go back to the way they were initially.
Yes I have found the obsessive texting is even worse. When they start complaining about not texting back as much too then Im just done. Makes me feel trapped...i think people worry they are actually the person texting way too much so they are afraid to bring it up.
Yes, XOXO is his way of replying to a text. Not a real reply
I love that you use the word "normal" to describe that those extreme behaviours which feel toxic are relative to our standard of normal, which could be very different for someone else and which is indeed different for the people acting these ways. That show that the energy doesn't match and allows to acknowledge that in comparison to the attraction we feel for them - and eventually make an informed decision.
Why is replying quickly a red flag as many suggest? I'm a quick replier with everyone; I have a rich, full life, too. I feel like it's over analyzing to say someone is desperate for replying quickly, or has no life. I feel like it's weirder to stare at the text and actually think: well, I'll wait a casual three hours to act like I'm busy. I tend to reply right when I see the message. If I can't be my natural self around you, then probably not a good fit. My friends and I fire off random texts all day to each other, especially if the convo is good. If the guy really likes me. This is fun sometimes, too. How can you have a good texting banter with days between texts?
💯
True.. I am a quick replier too
I reply quickly, too when I can. I think it's weird and immature when people delay on purpose. I'm too old to play games. It's ridiculous.
Some people, like me, like to be in the moment. I don't like to pick up my phone and give a quick text. I need to be thoughtful about what im saying. That thoughtfulness extends to how I treat my partners. But to expect me to get back to you right away just to chit chat when you're not my boyfriend feels weird. I don't have time in my day to think about someone I don't know that well yet so many times.
If you ALWAYS reply quickly it means you CANT have a rich fully life because it means you are always looking to your phone instead of "living" your life and focusing on the present.
I believe that a RED FLAG comes when you notice that you are the only person who starts a conversation... or the one that always says "hi", "good morning", etc etc... even if it is after 2-4 days of zero communication.
That for me shows NO interest at all from the other part.
Hi :)
You definitely have a point.
But also there are such kind of people who REPEATEDLY behave very cold if the conversation wasn't started by them... or the topic is not about THEIR interests.
If someone still likes them, it might be painful experience,- so they stop to write first or decide not to keep such imitation of "relationship".
And in such cases first kind usually don't think about if they caused that change - they usually focus on "I always write first! I've tried to be good friend, but they left me. It must be because they are horrible people".
And never realise how cold or even ignoring they often behaved when it wasn't their initiative to talk or the other person needed to talk about smth. important just for them.
===
For me, yes, I want to see some level of initiative too,- but more important is how consistent is kindnes, warmth and attention from the other person.
Can I sometimes initiate topic that is important only for me and get some kind attention and support / or caring responce,- many people in my past wrote / called first to GET that from me - and for some time I gave - because thought the kind caring was mutual.
But after receiving some level of coldness and uncaryness when it was about me,- I just decided not to keep such contacts in my life.
Lol I suck at texting and avoid it where possible. It’s never stopped me maintaining interest in a person and as long as they make it clear that they need me to text for them to feel interest and value, then I set an alarm on my phone as a reminder
@@lunar686 "then I set an alarm on my phone as a reminder" if only more people were like you who set a reminder themselves instead of expecting other people to always remind them stuff
whenever I ask someone something they tell me "ok but remind me" it's like I'm dealing with literal children
A man messaged me first, but I didn't need to message first because there was enough conversation
@@ЛюдаЛ-ж6лwell what if he's not talking just says hi good morning etc but nothing about his day and I feel weird asking him questions also he would leave me on seen for hours and reply later then 5 hrs saying " missing you" when I said what are u doing ._.
If their actions aren’t matching their words, the words mean nothing. Don’t waste a single second longer and run an absolute mile. Don’t let anyone disturb your peace. No one.
Slow replies are a no go… don’t even bother pursuing. It is low interest plain and simple. Move on quickly and efficiently. Find someone with more interest or you are asking for a painful experience
Ditto!
Bullshit. 😂
what is defined as slow these days? a few hours, a day?
@@Lizmo0205 4 hours
@@Lizmo0205 if its consistently 2-3h+ reply time (more than half the time) I'd consider it replying late. If its once in a while or I know they're busy during a certain time of day thats different
"Model the behavior on your best day". Brilliant insight ❤️
Very interesting.
Bottom line is if they aren't on the same page as you, don't waste your time.
When two people meet, you either get together or you don't on a higher level, there is no guesswork.
It's really as simple as that.
Spot on
Yesss the key here is that if we are sitting around stressing it is because we are not being present in our own life…I realized it’s a matter of stopping thinking about it and actually living my best day.
Nobody i am interested in or care about feels confused or like they are a bother. I am open, considerate, consistent and honest. Expect that
Ever get to the point where you just don’t give a 💩 anymore about any of this? Yeah well I’m there.
Same 😂
On god 😂😂😂
I am trying my best not to let this feeling win but I am like this is too much man
Lucky you
That’s when you truly start growing
I don't like too much messaging - if someone is texting me too often I feel suffocated and pressured to respond - when I do reply, I'll send a few long paragraphs and don't expect someone to respond straight away either! I'd rather have a good few quality messages, leading to voice notes or phone calls and spending time together, than frequent texts that are pointless and small talk. I think we're all different and it's important to recognise our own needs and what it is we want from someone else - and why, what need are the text messages fulfilling?
Okay, maybe this is my mistake? I (28M) am dating this girl who sends me these long "high quality" paragraphs. Before our first date it easily took 20-30 minutes to respond to these, because they were that long. However, I tend to respond rather quickly, while she took a day, sometimes 2 to respond. In part because I don't like keeping people on read for too long, making them think I'm not interested... Now we did have an enjoyable first date and she told me via text "thanks for the very nice afternoon" immediately after. We also had this running joke about her having to write a "motivation letter to apply for a museum visit with me". 2 days after the date, she sends me a picture of her handwritten motivation letter. Now, I responded the same evening and now, she has left me on read for 3 days. It just seems like it gets "longer and longer for her to reply", which makes me doubt, but maybe I shouldn't? I just want to ask her out on a second date. I did ask her in my response letter when she was available for a "personal conversation".
@@speedbarbaar in general, whether with this girl or any other, I would avoid texting but so much in response. Even if a girl tends to send really long deep texts, don't focus so much on responding to every single aspect of it. Immediately shift the text conversation to making plans to meet up again - not necessarily anything fancy - then unpack the essays then lol
The way I see it, long texts like those just mean there's that much more worth talking about in person. Not in a checklist sort of way but just trusting that she's that eager to open up to me making me all the more interested to more deeply know the girl behind it all.
She probably took longer an longer to respond because your [I'm assuming] equally lengthy responses didn't leave enough intrigue to maintain her interest. Granted her messages were perhaps longer than yours so she was just as "guilty" haha, but you're in control of how you resply... Focus on meeting up and not much more, since things like eye contact and body language say more and are far more exciting that playing the "will she, won't she text back" game. 3 days is far too long to still be invested - that's almost certainly a lack of interest at that point.
@@speedbarbaarI don't agree with the above commenter. As a female who has sent big paras before, I sometimes feel ticked off when the other person doesn't give the same time and consideration. This happens when I've taken my time to compose it. If it was just general busyness that made me reply late, I'm happy when they don't mirror the delay. If it was me putting in time, I'd like them to process it fully, instead of jumping at it to respond. It feels like you're not taken seriously and not appreciated at all. Also, might give off desperation sometimes and a doubt whether they're really on the same page or not. There could be a billion reasons but jumping the gun is almost never the answer. How are things today with the date? Did you resolve it?
I won’t give them a lot of my energy until they earn it. Slow and steady.. as long as everyone is honest and upfront.
Why the fuck do they have to “earn you”, you think you are some kind of prize?
@@sharyarc8247 i was thinking the same haha ... whatever ..
your pussy is cheap dear be more generous
I personally do not read my messages for hours because I have all notifications turned off. I do not want to be a slave to my phone. I prefer meeting in person and phone calls. When younger, I did use texts more often. It is best to introduce our texting habbits at the very beginning of the relationship.
I completely agree… I’m dating someone who has an Apple Watch and when we go out, his phone is always by his side…. So, when I text and he doesn’t answer for a while, I question why… it’s been confusing for me.
@@tiffanystrand4423 Don't text too much. Saying it just in case😊 Secondly, my experience is that no matter what, when a guy really likes me, he will find time to send me hearts and good morning texts etc. Always. When they're not interested they suddenly get very busy. So, we must almost accept it as a fact of life :)
Completely agree with this, lot less room for misunderstandings too focussing on the dates instead. Also texting non stop small talk is surely going use up all the convo for when you’re face to face, slippery slope.
@@leesoutheast Exactly😊
You can‘t get to know someone by texting. It‘s overrated big time!
If somebody is not taking long to respond, just forget that person, you aren’t of interest to them, especially if its in the early stages, early stages you will know if that person had your attention n vice versa
If you stop txting like before be open and say why don’t keep saying you are “busy” everyone is busy… if you want to talk to someone you will and i repeat YOU WILL make the time
Jameson's comment about "anyone in life who is dangerous lacks impulse control." Hit home for me, and there would be a lack of maturity there too typically
I have a question, why is everyone always so "busy" these days?
no one is too busy. a person who wants to talk to you won’t do it during their free time, they will free their time to do it.
You have to know that most people have their phones in their hands practically the whole day. Even when they are busy! But most people act like they're busy because they don't want to look desperate or too available. Of course people cán be busy many times. But if it takes too long to get a reply every single time, then that might be a problem. I'd say it's time to move on then. Don't invest your energy in someone who is not equally investing theirs in you.
He would text really late and there are days when he would reply to me after 8 hours...three days ago, i decided to test him. I did not reply for two days straight. on the third day, he told me, "Okay, if you don't wanna talk to me anymore..." I tried reaching out to him. He hasn't replied yet. I am sad. Felt like it's my fault.
Update: he texted me on the 3rd day and said he had a problem with his phone. He is now texting me regularly but i have decided to treat him as a second option. I am dating other guys.
I experienced the same story... He took between 2 to 5 days to reply to my messages. On the last occasion, I didn't reply within 2 days and on the second day he told me: "I see you don't answer to me so thank you and goodbye"...
You are very smart
I also want to keep my options open coz I can’t stand a guy who is slow. Am dating other guys he’s no longer a priority
WTF hahahaha, these guys quite literally showed no restraint on emotions and became plan B. What would happen if they weren’t reactive?
She belongs to the streets
Love the dialogue on maturity and impulse control. Definitely important to keep an eye on those aspects of self and others in relationships. Thanks for another great video! 😊
if they are not replying, or you get the usual baffling Australian Hey on day 5, it doesn’t matter how brilliant the things you say, it will be this deadly dull communication back, it’s constant here, very poor communication even from highly successful men, i dont understand why they bother texting at all… single for 3 years i’m so over it
Greatings Blessing,peace,love and light be with you alway sis ❤️💫🙏
It's not just you, men deal with it all the time.
The fact of the matter is, people suck these days.
Yes, red flag to me! Met a guy online, went on our first date two weeks later. After that it was silent for days. How do you keep momentum and get to know somebody in between dates? I don't need to text all day every day, but no texts for days is a whole different level. He eventually reached out and I asked for a second date. You would think it would initiate a conversation over text, but no. Two weeks later our second date went very well. After that, didn't hear from him for days. I texted, asked him for a third date, he said he was not feeling a spark. That was a weird fart in the wind experience.
men are fkn useless really
If the guy was interested enough he would have asked you out. He would not be silent for days
@@mabe-t9z true, very true. But I was also taking in consideration he was busy with his own daily activities. On the first date he specifically told me he wanted to take his time to get to know me. So if this was his way of taking his time, his efforts were less than bare minimum. And on the second date he wanted to extend the length of the date. He was giving me signals of interest, that's why I was convinced it had to be something else than not being interested.
@@MariaV0071so, another red flag is the juxtaposition of his words Vs. actions… he’s saying he’s interested, but his actions do not back up the words… watch out for that. If a man is attracted to you, he WILL SHOW YOU.
@@tiffanystrand4423 💯 facts!
The key words in this video EARLY DATING. You have to build up to to genuine conversation. I think a lot of people suffer from codependency so they get into 'round the clock conversation to not feel alone and get upset with people who don't reciprocated because it highlights how alone they feel. It's a projection. But once someone is your boyfriend or girlfriend, i think you do have to communicate clearly and check in. However, i will never text people back during a work day. My job takes incredible focus. Ive never had a real adult expect texts from me between 9-5.
you sound like so much fun
Yes. It is a HUGE red flag. But we like to fool ourselves into thinking otherwise.
Depends I’m just busy and texting is the last thing I have in mind. If your having to set up meeting or initiate all the time, then it’s a red flag
@@enriqueperezarce5485 It's a red flag because it's a sign that later in a relationship, we will be the one who always have to give more. Usually when i get slow replies, I will match the energy and the whole conversation will die down by itself because, well none of us are really that interested.
It’s not that deep. Some people value personal interactions more than messages. They are messages for a reason(not urgent) if you want a quick response, call or FaceTime. It’s childish to look at a relationship based on how long they’d reply to you.
@@DeGuzman2392 I wouldn't consider it a red flag tbh, but it's not something to dismiss so lightly either. I'm replying instantly when I'm really into someone. When not, I can take my time, could be hours, or a day.
The current person I'm seeing said he has never liked intense communication, which is good because I'm not all that into him so I don't feel pressured to respond fast. I can get away with forgetting even sometimes.
So, similar actions can mean different things to different people.
@@Predictable1 well I certainly ain’t looking at my damn phone all day like a high schooler if my girl want to be provided and protected for. If a girl want a text buddy do it w the girls or find a bum.
Long distance and extremely busy with his work. He hates texting but always texts in his free time which unfortunately is very little. Sometimes it's 5 hours between texts but he says he loves getting my texts even if he can not reply in that moment.
Give it some time. Same here. I’m busy myself and we’re both building a career. Can’t blame him.
I understand why he doesn't text more it's just very annoying to the both of us. But I knew what I was getting into when we started dating.
No guy is too busy to send a text. Even if they have to text you back to say I’ll text you after work. If they don’t, they’re just not interested. Been there. Feel you.
@@Louann-vz4ts respectfully you do not know what his job is. He text me first thing in the morning, during breaks and after work when available. I know he is interested we are on the same page with this. Please don't judge what you do not know about my relationship. I don't disclose everything about it.
@@sarahmiller901 fair call. From your initial statement you said you understand why he doesn’t text more…considering he texts you so much I’m surprised you’d expect more to be honest. No disrespect. Appreciate your feedback
The worse is when they say they’ll call you and don’t- that p@@es me right off. Don’t say you will do something and don’t.
I remember a girl told me the same thing and i haven't heard from her since then lol
How long until a slow reply turns into ghosting? I feel like if a person don't reach out after 2 days is already pretty self explanatory
i’d give it at least 1 week so it can be ghosting
@@dreamypurrz really? OMG either I have an issue because of my low tolerance to be ignored by my romantic/sexual parthers or this ghosting thing is way too normalized. I give My friend a week before I start wondering if they are alive. With people I am seeing/dating I give them only 3 days... I mean, I don't know them like that to trust their intentions, not out of jelousy, but out of playing games wise. I don't want to waste My time with somebody that don't value me as a parther potential enough to even give me a quick update. I also give 3 chances, 1st because... Is the first and I like to see what's their whole stand point. Second, then I Will explain how this works for me and adjust My expectations. And if there is a third... Well then... I have an automated message to send them. I don't even engage
@Tyler Lee that alings with the way I think :)
@Tyler Lee of course I agree! It's not the most fun thing to do but defenitely the most considerate thing.
I am in Colombia actually, but guys here also ghost 😅
@Tyler Lee why not, could be fun! Share your info with me, idk how tho 😅
In general if they are interested you don't need to make an analysis, once you're nerves get rattled because of bad energy move on.....really get a quick move on..
kind of disagree with that love bombing part, if someone is showing that their really into you, and you don't give them the time of day; don't be surprised when everything goes cold; the feeling maybe genuine but it wont last if the other person lacks the same level of expression.
everything they do for you they want to receive back.
If you’re focusing on one thing, you will notice too much. So it’s why if you have too much time on your hands early on in dating someone, you need to do more with your life. Stay busy and have fun with your life.
People who are busy do not text constantly, they are too busy to text, even in early dating stages.
People who are interest will text, but rather talk IN PERSON.
Nobody never to busy
@@blazinjaye45people with shit to do most definitely can be too busy to text back right away all the time. Yes someone that's genuinely interested in you will find a way to make time for you, but not everyone operates at the same pace/schedule...
Not to mention the fact that if someone barely knows you, just because they're interested in you doesn't mean they're going to drop everything to tend to you. There's healthy amount of balance required for adult living and bringing new people into your life - you can be interested in a person yet still not quite know them well enough yet to know just how much you're willing to invest in them. At the end of the day, someone you just met less than a week ago still doesn't know you yet..so you're not necessarily going to be priority number one for someone that has other things going on.
Context matters tho
Right but they still shouldn't take DAYS to text or see you. Busy is an excuse
I am freaking busy as fuck with a healthy social life, work, gym and other things, but I can still easily send a couple of messages. Only when I am in a meeting or something where I literally can't be on my phone are times where I need like 3 hours to respond. But that is rare.
It’s a horrible feeling, and I believe most people generally want to just connect with someone they like and build a relationship with them, it’s not that complicated. Unfortunately for a vast majority it can be very difficult. It’s hard to remember all the time, it’s the actions that matter not the words.
I think there’s gotta be some kinda balance. I’ve dated a lot of different personalities and I noticed that the men who texted me the most so early on into dating did not last. Texting creates a false sense of connection. Whereas the guys who don’t blow up my phone but we chat for a couple minutes everyday, our connection seems more genuine
Matthew's content is so brilliant that I really appreciate finding these gems on RUclips that help us all to grow to a better person with ourselves and with our potential partners. I know that the majority of his audience are women, but I believe if more men would drop their toxic masculinity and gather all the valuable lessons like these, the world would be a better place. We all just want to be better humans. That's it.
Slow replies can be a red flag or can be a green flag.
If I'm busy, I will reply when I have time, when I have my phone in my hand and I get a text, I'll reply.
I'm not going to wait a day to reply just to make her think I'm busy. And if she thinks I reply quick because she thinks i got nothing else going on in my life then I feel it's her problem and not mine. You know when someone is needy when texting. If they reply quickly all the time or when the text you multiple messages in a row that's a red flag.
I always have my phone close to me, in case of emergency, so it's completely normal to respond quickly imo.
Same here.
It sometimes may just mean they aren’t as busy as you/don’t have as much going on so have more time on their hands but not necessarily to be seen as red flags
Perfect timing for this cuz I really needed it! 🥺❤️
This is a great video! It is unfortunate when you model better behavior and the other person isn't receptive.
For me I’m super busy and happy with my life I don’t obsess over messages etc never have sometimes I don’t get time to say reply to constant messages and that would be a red flag for me yes I make time to respond/reciprocate but not constantly maybe in the evenings when I have a little more time :)
Slow replies could also be because someone is slightly avoidant or feels like they're not good enough.
Of course, some people (ill ones) respond slowly or not at all on purpose.
I dont think its a red flag really, its common to want to be totally into your person to begin with. Even though there are the many rosy phases of talking\being with your crush, feeling attraction. If you really want to build up something you have to consider the question do you both have the same intention? How much effort is texting? How willing are both of you to communicate? Sometimes it can take time to establish a more open communication. Personally I would rather have him\my crush ask me questions about things in stead of the good mornings and good nights.
No matter how strong the attraction might be\seem the thing that totally blows me off my feet is when I notice his GENUINE interest, this to me is the real true magic.
GREAT topic. So relatable for a lot of us.. thank you for this video!
I don’t text often. I don’t like being on my phone and honestly I find it highly unattractive seeing a man pull out his phone during a date, or often in general. There is no self control, no surprise. I let them know right away but they don’t believe me until I take a few hours to respond because I’m busy being present l
Thank you! I am so confused about the early dating. Hope you can make more content about early dating ❤. Thank you!
Slow replies are a red flag to me
Balanced, healthy people will text in balanced ways
^ well said.
Completely avoiding impulsive people is transforming my life for the better
This is absolutely the best texting a person advice on the internet, thank you.
This is very context-dependent. Slow replies would only be a red flag for me if they went back on their word, or did not follow through something they implied when they initially presented themselves (or their intentions) to be a certain way. In other words, if their actions don’t match their words. If they communicate that they’re a slow texter because of their lifestyle, that should be okay unless they are fast texters to someone else.
From a slow/delayed texter , I could like you the most and I’ll still do this because texting gives me anxiety.. I overthink my responses so I’ll do this even if I’m beyond interested in you ..
Really stupid. Anxiety? Geez, I wonder what basic casual communication causes you 😮
@@Ordell-L-Jackson😂quite cowardly isn’t it
If someone is leading you on and taking days to reply block them and move on.
Listen people I’m 26 years old and been dating for years, different woman. If a woman takes more than 4 hours to reply , she’s definitely not interested.. Every WOMAN has there phone glued to them regardless of what she does for work. They have restroom breaks, break time at work and lunch.. She has plenty of time to reply. Move on, have self respect and find another woman who shows she’s interested and not like your bugging them
Texting kills relationships.
Healthy people MAKE A PHONE CALL … or go to hell!!!
Absolutely well said.. "how you would communicate on your best day".. awesome, well done sir!
This. Wow. I've recently been experiencing this + feeling crazy so I APPRECIATE this topic of conversation (with wicked timing i might add too!) THANK YOU!!!
I can’t tell you how long you have to go through what you are going through but I can tell you in your way you are going to make it through you may not see the progress you making but trust me love ❤️only you still being alive and here refusing to give up showls your bravery and strength...Soon you’ll be fine and whole again💫💕.
Do I have the right to expect the person to message me at least once a day? I feel that i need it in an unhealthy way as his no messaging makes me feel there's something wrong. Even though in person, I don't feel that.
same here 🫠
@itsmemaysa same situation. The guy I've talking to rarely text but I see him a couple days a week, which is clearly better but I think we as a society have emphasized texting as a way to gage if a person is into you that it makes us feel a certain way if we don't get a bunch of text
You didn't answer the slow replies questions. Personally it kills me. It's psychological manipulation and emotional abuse.
I didn't hear the answer either
It depends because when a friend doesn't reply it doesn't bother us, we don't even remember BUT when a romantic partner doesn't we can't stop thinking about it ,check our phones, make multiple scenarios in our head: why? What happened etc? . Same thing when a friend cancel dinner date it's OK, no problem, we're cool with it BUT when romantic partner does it we fear that they pull away, we panic , we get upset 😅
@@flower_7890 of course. There's a difference between a friend and romantic partner
When a love interest is a slow replier.
You just have to address the issue.
You can do 2 things. The first one is to stop asking question and let them start the conversation. If they don't start the conversation first, you move on.
Second thing you could do but is kind of risky imo, is saying, look I feel like I'm putting more effort into this than you, where do we stand with eachother.
The second option is when things are already a bit serious. Don't do it when you just met a girl, you would come of as needy.
Just because you have different communication styles? Video was exactly about the opposite. Thus, the answer can be figured out.
Maybe there's no compatibility when it comes to frequency in communication. Can you force them to communicate in a way that is not natural for them? That might just result in them being overwhelmed by you. In any way, depending on how far you are in that relationship, you can express to them how you feel when it happens, as well as looking into why you feel anxious.
It may help to shift the focus on yourself rather than a relationship or them.
As a neurodivergent person, hearing that "impulsive people are usually the dangerous ones" is very discouraging to hear. There's people out there whose brains are just wired different and that's why their impulse control is worse, without any bad intentions. While I understand people want consitency and stability, on the other hand, some folks out there who are neurodivergent or live with some sort of mental illness cannot live up to the same standard, no matter how hard they try. Do they not deserve love? Sadly, I don't have a solution. It is going to be individual to each relationship, will need communication and compassion. But I'd appreciate if inconsistency and/or overexcitement wasn't labelled as a red flag.
Lol. Yep...lol. Well at least adhd isn’t officially called a ‘defect of moral control’ anymore. Unfortunately, many of our common symptoms will light up as ‘red flags’ for people who have experienced abuse. For example, overexcitable, hyperfocus and impulse control can often be perceived as a ‘tactic of lovebombing’ and it may take time for them to realise these symptoms present outside of just interpersonal relationships lol....on the plus side, it does weed out people who make assumptions about behaviour from those with more mature communication skills lol
Well, I think he's talking about people who are not neurodivergent or without mental illnesses.
You can't just say for example "everyone should be able to run 1 mile. Obviously people in a wheelchair can't do that so that doesn't apply to them.
He's just talking in general, you can expect certain behaviour from people and if they don't, then that's a red flag.
I don't know. Who are you trying to chat?
I'm bad on chat. I like to speak on the phone.
Chat, door knock, I may put phone down and forget.
I like meeting people in friendly places. Sitting in public. Eating alone, invite myself in (I pay for my own food)
Great video and you’ve just answered two questions that have been going around in my head. Thank you so much
Different people have different definitions of slow...
Some people have unrealistic expectations of how quick the other person should respond, and some people are quite interested in the person but get carried away with putting themselves first and/or not wanting to appear too desparate because they're convinced that that's the game.
It's not always anything to take personally. A lot of the people you just met don't know you well enough to know a pace that's appropriate, especially if they're less experienced with dating.
Loved this video… lots of truth that I’ve already learned some of in past relationships
Every time I hear the word in stages in dating, I cringe, it takes the romance right out of it, like we’re in interview rounds waiting to be given an offer from a difficult hiring manager.
But why would he started a conversation first when you answer then no more answer ..esp he was the one called before saying just want to hear your voice..
Its a redflag at any stage of a relationship..if she doesnt respond to texts or calls..for hours on end ..she just doesnt want to..low interest ..shes texting others..women never let there phones be idle..
Exactly. They literally live on their phones. If it was a social media follow from a singer/actor or crush they had, they would immediately respond. 10/10 times. They do that because the interest is really low or they are vindictive and narcissistic.
Why would he text and say…so when are we going to meet?
He has been inconsistent so far. I said, how about this week? What is your schedule?
It’s been a day and no answer. Omg…men over 50 are annoying!!!
Really like how you keep bringing it back to US. It's too easy (& unbalanced) to make it ALL about the other person.
This was really great. Thank you Matthew
I would never not bring it up. I'm so glad I have the "balls" to do this after years of not. I'll never not. As a secure attachment style. I'm a communicator. I can respect boundaries. But first you must communicate.
Also , I had a guy come in "giddy with excitement" and of course it slowed down. And he's still here. And not looking to go anywhere. So....I disagree with your last sentiments.
The best dating coach!
I have been slower at replying because of anxiety with text. I liked space too. I have been interested in people but busy and interested in other things too. If someone expects me to respond their non important messages everyday, forget it.
Texting can " disguise " something as an energy shift . Texting is simply just messages on paper . You don't know until you SEE that person . So hard .... But your better off waiting till you see them
Great video Matthew
This is the situation I'm stuck into right now
I'm too scared to bring it up too early she used to reply every 10min now she takes 4h
My bf was perfectly responsive in the beginning even when we were just friends. Good morning texts everyday. Two years later and we barely message each other and many times he forgets to text back or even an important thing happening in my life I told him through text. When I bring it up he just beats himself up about it blaming his adhd. I have a hard time relating because I have terrible memory but I rarely forget to message someone back. Only person I can think of is a group project partner in class because we barely know each other. So, not really sure if anything can be done about it but it sucks when he use to always remember. 😞
I dated my ex for 6 years and I never forgot to reply to her and I always made her my priority.
If your bf can remember to text you everyday when he first met you, I am pretty sure he can do the same 2 years later.
No, not his adhd, because he was able to be responsive before...
🚩🚩🚩
What if he has a more busy job now and when I point out im fustrated about him not texting as much he seems to do better for a couple weeks. I wish someone with adhd would comment on this but Im sure everyone with adhd is a little different.
How about using the phone to call you? I work with kids that have ADHD and they remember everything they're truly interested in. Sounds like your BF got comfortable and lazy as time went on in your relationship.
It’s funny when they say they hate narcissist but they themselves are one 🤦🏻♂️
Audrey 🥰 there are many seconds in your words that are articulated quite identical to the South African accent in areas in Johannesburg South Africa , but you are blessed with such a beautiful accent 🥰
Inconsistent. Lies. Red flags.
I just started talking to this new guy and he left for Southeast Asia right after we started talking. He will send Snapchats but sometimes won’t reply to my texts for a while. But I just tell myself he’s busy traveling and is closer to other friends than me so he doesn’t feel the need to text asap
A great discussion
Im very slow at replying and try to show effort when the time comes I finally answer (im very anxious over text, i overthink them, therefore avoid and delay them) it’s not because of im not intrested, most of the time it’s because I care a lot
So incredibly timely.
"Anyone in life who is dangerous lacks impulse control"... or just has ADHD and tries their best but now gets a label of being dangerous and being a red flag. 😢
Exactly
To slow down after a while it's good to me to figure out what he need from me after we have been texting and talking a lot so we have to move on and see how this relationship gonna goes. If we still like each others or NOT! 👀 #regrets
I often reply slow in purpose because I don’t want to seem to available or easy, or that I care too much. Am I wrong?
I do the same thing. At least in the beginning, but not too much
Once it becomes too much like replaying after few hours ,, or it's become a common behaviour the other person gonna lost interest and thinks they are not a priority to you .
Thanks for sharing this
Expectinf quick replies and everyday contact is a need of our inner child wounds. We need to feel chosen to feel we have value. Healthy relationships dont communicate every day, they do share time and experiences, tho. Focus on the really important experiences, not a text msg.
What if things were great and they were messaging all the time? And we were talking all night every night? Things were perfect. Then he started not texting when he got up but rather when he's going to work. I see him online but he doesnt read my messages as much. And last night he called hoirs later and he says he fell asleep but im nearly positive he called someone else. And he left the conversation early. We are long distance and he took things to a different level. So when he messaged me this evening on his way to work after telling me hed get up early to talk to me. I waited an hour to respond. He didn't reply like he normally does and then just told me to take care. He always sends a kiss emoji, but not this time.
I like modeling than mirroring!
I think her good morning she texts me hours later good evening but on social media most of the day. SMH! I like this girl but the energy is different now.
Love Bombing is Narcissististic and when I tried to slow down this from a narcissist he just kept firing away as if I had never said anything , and it became the most dangerous relationship of my life 🧬 and narcissists have no love in them to give so you can't expect love from a place there is non to give. . .
They are such toxic dangerous individuals - stay away!! ❤
@@kaoshi_kutie he is a joke and I discovered that my phone works better since I blocked him off social media , how is that for interesting 🥰-?
If someone replies too slowly, I lose interest fast
I think people read far too much into things. Met someone last year he's in another country and I text him when I want. He isn't the type to text first but never fails to respond to any of my text msgs whether straight away or 5hrs later. People csn get busy as I do and depending what I'm doing I have my notifications off.
I'm not going to hang around to wait for him to text first and say to myself I always text first that's just playing games with your mind. If he didn't respond to all my msgs I can generally read the energy and as I deal with people all day everyday in my job I think I'm pretty intuitive. I just don't read too much into things do it or don't do it 😜
I think that’s a different scenario as your not in the same country, sounds like a distant friend…also anyone can reply to a message even if their not interested that much! That fact that he doesn’t text you first (rarely or ever) is a sign of low priority/interest. Obviously if your not that bothered then kudos to you ❤
Men : Make sure your busy and are working on having a life of value , do this before you try to date then if she takes 1-3 days to reply you won’t even notice… 👍🏾💯
so then are slow replies a red flag in early dating?
I unmatch if not reply within 24 hours, I rather keep my dignity
Before watching large crocodiles videos in FL coast???ha-ha! You cracked me up here! 😂
Other than sleep and important things? definitely not a good sign