It's not only done through fear, it can also be done through guilt trip, victimizing themselves, insistance/persistence (not taking no for an answer) aka disrespect and breaking of boundaries.
Trauma bonding. Something I had never known anything about, but an awareness of what it is and how it works has opened my eyes to so much toxic behavior I was so bewildered by previously.
This is so true!! My ex-husband used to yell at me and call me names when I would sit and read books, which I love to do. So I stopped reading and it’s been 13 years since we divorced, and I still can’t sit and read. I knew that it was his abuse that caused this, that it feels bad to read. I have so angry with him for taking that away from me. Thank you for validating this.
Ha both of my exes would get soooo mad and call me names when I picked up a book, and would always do things to make me stop reading. My issue now is, I am controlled from a distance, so lately when I pick up a book, I cannot even focus on the book anymore, I just start thinking of my situation.
Please start reading again. Don't let him control you any more. He has already taken so much joy from you. No one should be allowed to hold such power over another person. Learn to love books again and consider it a form of revenge. Try to manage a few chapters at a time at first, then progress a little more each day. Good luck ❤
My husband is controlling like this. His dad was that way and now my husband is. He tells me that my family members think I am stupid and that they talk about me behind my back. There are a lot of things I hide from him. There are things I don’t do because I don’t want to hear it from him. He doesn’t yell at me, instead he uses guilt and fear. I don’t do the things I love because he keeps me too busy to have time to do things I love. On the rare occasions that I do get to do things I love he won’t let me do them by myself. He always has to be with me and he has too much advice on how I should be doing my hobbies that I would just rather not do the hobbies because I can’t enjoy my hobbies when he is telling me how to do them.
It is hard when your significant other becomes your husband or the father of your children, only to discover these toxic traits. It is of course, your choice to stay or leave. If it becomes someone else's' choice, you will have feelings of guilt etc...and you will probably go back. Once you make the decision to leave, you don't even think about it, it becomes a resolved path, and you tend not to feel like you owe anyone anything...only yourself! If you stay, you could try rising above the bad behaviour-becoming stronger...call out the behaviours...my concern however in these situations, is will the behaviour become worse or even violent??? If that is not the case, call them out, show them for what they are, without stooping to their level of put-downs, mockery, etc... just rise above it and lead by example how you would like to be treated, and let them know you won't accept anything less. You don't deserve less. No one does. All the best, Michelle God Bless ✝
Thank you, Michele--always so enlightening. Even after a year of living seperately from my husband, I am discovering more and more the way his behavior was controlling. He has traits of a covert narcissist, but he is also so passive aggressive, it has taken a long time to see clearly what he did (and does) over the 15 years of marriage. I had no idea it began when I got married, moving to the other side of the country with no internet, no phone except on the weekends, and even no tv. He used the term, "Two become one," all the time, so I gave up so much of what what mine and who I was. Thanks again for your insightful videos!
Ah, yes, the passive aggressiveness makes it that more insidious. And, yes, the tryranny of we. After 20+ years with my ex I was conditioned to believe that what was his, was his, and, what was mine, was ours. At the end, he had me convinced he could sell my car, because it was ours through marriage. But, his truck was his truck. So good that you got away!
What a great video! Thank you for such an accurate description of what coercive control is. It is like being a prisoner in a world of deception! Pure hell!
I recently visited "home" after 12 years living overseas and it felt *exactly* like being in prison. To the extent of being isolated to one room of the house for 5 days without being spoken to, invited to eat, etc. Like they would speak to each other infront of me without inclding me in the covnersation, and I was not allowed to see friends- and any time I talked to my friends I was interrupted or they shut the door so they did not have to hear me speak in a another language. I was supposed to visit for 3 weeks; I left after 1.5. It was such a WTF moment.
I used to love going to the gym or outdoor stairs. He would always call me during my workouts, and seem "bothered" when I would let him go. He would also call me when I was on the stairs and start arguments. So happy I got away.... now its getting him out of my blocked messages ... 💣
Yes he was actively trying to ruin the things you love so that you would associate them with fear and unpleasant feelings. I got into mothing (which is catching moths in a light trap and then photographing them before letting them go). My dad knew how much I loved this but went out of his way to disconnect the battery so it wouldn't work and hoped I hadn't noticed. When I quizzed him, he completely denied it to my face. They will lie to your face and not even blush.
What you are talking about today I experienced repeatedly with the narcissist! Anytime I finished a project or created something I would often have this gut feeling that she would not be appreciative or would want to change something about what I just did…. I think it was all about control, subjugation and probably “putting me in my place” for the narcissist! It was in so many ways so debilitating and literally destroyed what self-esteem I had left in me at that moment when she did that! 👿
Been there. Once we do or finish anything, narcissists also like to tell us something else was more of a priority, complain about everything we haven't done, or talk about how much more they do than us.
no this is your problem. your fault. do work without expecting reward. acts of kindess when no one is watchimg. sounds like your subjuating yourself. i mean after all that she didnt even say thank you!? was the things she wanted ot change bad ideas? these are your perspecticves. u can reframe them. rewrite that paragraph but take all the responsibily and empower yourself as much as possible.... or is she behind you telling you that your weak and worthless and theres nothign u can do about it because what? its all her fault? you really want to live that way? especially if your no longer together? no one can destroy your SELF-esteem. really cant take you serioudly when u say "the narcissist". so she has been diagnosed by a licensed medical proffesional to have NDP? u seem like wolf in sheeps clothing friend
Having gone through mental and physical trauma related to my marriage, my brother has assumed the task of "helping" me. Many of the signs that you list are applicable to his behavior towards me now. It is extremely difficult to set boundaries with him, but I am working on it with my counselor. I just wanted to share this because I believe that coercive control can be found not only with partners and friends, but family members. Thank you for your insightful video.
It is often a desperate insecurity or 'short coming' they feel within themselves, sometimes they are not even conscience of this. Perhaps you could let them know (gently) when they behave like this...(give example) it has this' ... ' impact on you...then ask them WHY they do it? Get them to actually THINK about their behaviours, once it has been pointed out to them that it is an issue. Be gentle however, as they honestly may not even be aware of how their (pattern) of behaviour is affecting you. Try not to criticise them, but rather let them know how it is impacting you. It might be a better way of maintaining the relationship, rather than destroying it, if you feel that they might be willing to accept their behaviour is having a negative impact on you. Family relationships are hard sometimes. Take care Mary 😊
I chose to distance myself from some old social circles due to some narcissists in the group and thankfully I was able to do that during the pandemic when things shut down. Even though some places have opened back up, I am cautious about getting out there and seeing people again because I'm not sure I want to be around the same toxic people and moving forward I might only want to be in social circles that are uplifting and supportive and stay away from those social circles where people try to coerce me to feel bad about not partying like they do. It gets lonely only seeing one friend group once a month for open mic nights, but it seems like the healthy alternative for now.
YES!!! Thank you! My mother was extremely coercive and controlling and the extended family were abusers by proxy when she needed reinforcement. These people are purely demonic, given over to a reprobate mind and beyond redemption
I’ve been through hell and back with abusive relationships to the degree, I can spot coercion very early on in dating. I dated a guy recently for a total of 2 weeks. We hung out about 5x within that time period, 2 of which were him showing up at the yoga classes I teach. From the very beginning he started texting me nonstop, calling me several times throughout the day, sending me tons of selfies, texting me late at night, first thing in the morning - it was overwhelming and stressful! I quickly found out he was married and that he had blocked my social media page from his wife’s account so that I would not see her - indicating he was controlling her social media page and controlling her! I cut the cord quick and told him what I thought of him in full detail so that I would be far less likely to have him try to come back around after I blocked him. I’m so thankful for videos like yours as they have helped me get out of abusive relationships and prevent getting involved with them in the first place!
Just now the narcissitic father was using violence to get into the house. He threatened from outside and once he got in took hold of the sweeper to beat my elder sibling. It got stopped on time. I was trembling. His "reasoning" was just because he removed his clothes on before entering cause of covid. He could not wait for my elder sister to open the door he was already violent. My elder sister told me she can't remember anything. I want to say thank you for your channel, i was working on listing the core beliefs last night.
Call the cops. Do not put up with that from anyone. Don't let anyone behaving violently or threatening into your space/home. Ignore them and get on the phone for help. Secure your windows and doors. It will send a very clear message to them, that you won't tolerate that. You are not to blame/responsible for someone else's' poor/dangerous behaviour. Nip it in the bud, straight away...otherwise you will always be defending yourself or someone else and it could end badly. No one has to live/be around an environment like that and live on edge. That is so unfair. Take care and safety first, 🕊
Spot on! I was trauma bonded to my ex. I woke up…. Depressed of course but now that I’m unattached I feel so free. Thank God I let go. On my path to healing and happiness now. This video is helpful!
Once you have received this and a collective array of priceless information, which can only find a permanent lodging in your knowledge after the fog, you will discern that these disordered individuals are the most toxic substance you ever chose to stay in contact with. Too much cognitive dissonance, too much not giving up, too much codependency on anybody. It is great to be on the other side yet Con-Ed on the subject still keeps shields up for the healthy life. Your decisesivness keenly resolute.
He told me he was mad at his dad so he didn’t want to talk to him or go to holidays. I pressed for him to go for our kids. We saw him and the family often before this. He insisted we don’t go to family functions. Then he told the family behind my back that I didn’t want to go.😮I didn’t know. I was supporting him. Begging to be apart of family functions. Then he turned around and started talking to them again behind my back. When I found out, I simply assumed I would be included and he had done so much damage that no one wants to be around me and my kids and I literally did nothing to them. Shows the character of the entire family to be honest. Either way, I am not allowed to attend family functions and if I tried to go they yell and scream for me to leave thinking they are protecting him. I don’t know from what? I’m married to him to this day. He swears he just talks to them occationally to be nice and I’m nuts. I literally see and hear his calls??
My ex wife and mother inlaw both Narcs, called it "training". The mother inlaw openly and repeatedly said men need to be trained. She laughed and ridiculed her husband in public. She also trained her three children and anyone else in her reach, to dance to her tune or suffer her outbursts. The daughter was the same.
It takes a narcissist to make a narcissist. I have a very similar story, at least now my eyes are open. Knowledge is power, wisdom is what you do with it.
I know exactly what you are talking about as I had been trained by a family member. And I must say that your ex wife and her mother remind me of Meghan Markle.
It’s not just about aggression. It’s about sulking or silence when you say you’re doing something else. Eg going to the gym, shopping, spending time with family
You can’t enjoy anything enduring covert abuse. The link between joy/fulfillment and pain is so entrenched your brain doesn’t even want to experience joyful and fulfilling things. It can’t feel joy without pain, and eventually just stops seeking joy.
This happened to me as a teenager - I played the Clarinet & Piano all the way through school; however every time I practised, it was underhandedly conveyed to me that I wasn't allowed to be doing that & that I should stop it. Of course, when, at Parents' evenings I was told off for 'not practising enough' - or if I was failing academically - my parent then criticised ME for not practising enough!! It's not a surprise that every time I've tried to take either instrument up as an adult, I've dropped it quickly. She made me allergic to something I loved doing. She still plays piano though, so all is well in her world, at least!!! 🙄😠
Thank you, Michele!!! Can you do more videos about coercive control? Also, I've heard that some countries have specific laws against it, but not here in the USA ...
THANK YOU. I hear men explaining this but it hits different when it's coming from a fellow woman. It feels like.. honestly the best way I can put it is emotional torture. Not namecalling per se, he avoids the common derogatory words flung at women but degrades my character, gaslights, etc. It has taken a toll on my life, as he starts these text wars around midnight, knowing I work early in the morning. I then get an apology the next day, and by the next night he's back to rage texting.
The Hercule Poirot novel, "Appointment With Death" by Agatha Christie, has a Mrs Boynton who exemplifies a toxic person, especially one who is likely also a Narcissist.
My narc wife, when I began dating her, convinced me to join her church, get rid of my friends, and either get my family to join the church or cut them off. I also had to limit my calls eventually to text messages because she always had a million and one questions when I was on the phone re who it was, my relationship to them and their sexual preference or marital status.
my narc sibling got emotionally and physically aggressive/ abusive during my appointment with my therapist. she was making comments about how i have too much makeup on and slammed my door shut & slammed my computer shut in front of the therapist. i’ve just been walking on eggshells since until i can fully move out
This sounds so much like concern trolling, which can be so insidious and under the radar. So spot in describing my relationships with my parents, ex husband and ex best friend. They vilify us, and those around us, using their concern. Constant concern created and still creates so much fear. Living among "Nice" narcissists is always like waiting for the next shoe to drop. They will be so sweet, until we supposedly push too many of their buttons, then they are all rage. And, all of a sudden, people are treating us different. We just don't realize the narc has been expressing concern about us. It's others, the narcs say, not them, that are concerned. Then, there's plenty of talk about how the outside world is so scary and they are the only safe ones. Even when we leave, we can be left feeling like our lives are so tragic and sad and we are scared to venture out into the scary world.
Yea everything you said 😢 but i feel so lonely with no support it’s difficult . I wish there was a place for people who suffered this to meet. It’s really terrible when even parents / family are like this
@@cottoncandyxunicornI totally know the feeling. I only knew support and connection through enmeshed and codependent relationships. Gabor Mate describes how, as children, some of us had to give up our autonomy in order to be able to stay connected to our parents. I fear abandonment every time I try to self differentiate. I was conditioned to think that I need to give up myself to be connected. But, I'm learning that we can't have true connection until we can be our authentic self and aren't afraid to lose the support of others by being ourselves. I've been trying to reconnect with a few long distance friends and family that I can have normal conversations with. I may not be able to consider them a support system and they may not understand what I'm going through, but they are a healthy connection and are respectful. It helps me to watch these videos and share in the comment section. Jay Reid also has a channel that speaks to my experience. So far, it's a small group that comments on his videos, but it is validating to read about their experiences so similar to mine.
@@cottoncandyxunicorn I just gave a big response, but I didn't really acknowledge what you're going through. I am really sorry you are going through this, especially with your parents. I know I tend to think feeling lonely and not having a support system is proof there's something wrong with me. Then, I feel pressured to hold on to the wrong people. But, we are all worthy of a healthy relationships. It's just that it may take a little longer for those of us that didn't have good enough parents to teach us what was healthy.
been in the isolated 'place' where having no contact with family and friends,. Luckily God helps me with the job outside the 'place' then I can meet healthy people
it is uncanny - the last three videos I watched of yours succinctly summarized the last 6 years of my life. 5.5 years of abuse. Then I had two months of me yelling out/calling for help so to soeapk. dsdd,ddl
My narcissistic father went from being super hateful to then pretend to care about my well being. Don't buy into his manipulation anymore he's played so many mind games with me over the years and told me nothing but lies lies and more lies. He's either the victim after he done me crappy or he's some kinda hero who all of sudden shows concerns about me.
You are THE BEST. What a good job you do on those. Amazing seriously. 😎🙏💯what I get from it is... 1. THE HIDDEN THEFT of correct emotion. 2. CREDIT where it is due. 3. TRUTH matters. 4. FACTS are not subject to opinions. 5. INTERPRETATION shouldn’t be JUDGEMENT. 6. If you have to convince those that supposedly love you of your stress being undeserved. You’re being GAS LIT/ABUSED shorted. 😬💯✊
Thank you, thank you and thank you for those wonderful and amazing videos which help thousands of people see the reality and escape. You are saving peoples lives!!😊😊😊♥️🙏
I'm experiencing this right now from a guy I never spent any time with, only texts. He locks down every phone and account I get and has for years now, it's Kid Rock doing it, and I don't know how to stop it.
One thing a narc will do is use their talents against you to control you. You are being controlled. Find a service or expert who can protect your phones.
They know he's having me gang stalked and my car messed with regularly and trying to get me taken out! And has been for over 3 years now?! Who else do you tell?! @@alleng9755
@@harperlea9288 ok whoa...I fully understand how a person you connect with via text can easily take over accounts if they are very tech savvy, etc. But you are saying it is the rock singer Kid Rock and that you only text?!? If you can't see catfish with that PLEASE consider that is exactly what cyber narcs do (assume others identities, lie, etc.) I have met KR in real life and sorry to tell ya, I'd be willing to bet that is not who you are talking with. It just isn't. Ask yourself then why only texting....that is absurd. Please don't give out your info to people you've never met in real life, for your safety. Best of luck and stay safe!
It’s all about fulfilling the prime aims of the narcissist Control Fuel (emotional attention) positive & negative Character traits Residual benefits They are the parasite and your the main host
This clarifies the cause of my fawning. A was recently asked, "If I don't help you, who will?" It was alarming because I think it's more than just invalidating, but I can't put my finger on it. I'm in a remote rural area, so it's valid in that respect only. I can't wait to blow out of here and go back to a beach city.
My roommate have a gf that is a narcissist she do all that stuff to him and it's sad his 62 years old and she's 28 years old Not to forget to mention how many times he cried having a conversation with me about his GF going out sometimes with her friends without him knowing that she out with a younger guy and he can't do nothing about it
Could you do one on professionals? I went through cohesive control from my vet. It meant my cat suffered horrendously. I liked and trusted those vet for over a decade. She knew I only trusted her most due to bad experience with another pet. But if made suggestions like my cat needs bloods done for checking thyroid and potassium levels to adjust meds appropriately, she would say no and make me feel bad if I did, despite cat needing it, it worked. Other things I suggested, my cat had nasal tumour and was on palliative care, she delayed obvious signs of pain and soreness but vet made out the steroids was enough and pain symptoms werent pain. She had obvious infection and needed antibiotics but I was afraid to go to another vet as didnt think she would be happy and may think I'm going behind her back, so I got it from a friend who happened to have some. She would have a blocked tear duct and face would swell like a balloon and burst. Vet made out that she wasnt in pain. Cat started crying and pacing, and I asked if it was severe pain from tumour spreading. She told me that cats dont cry and pace in pain. She told me it was sudden dementia, despite her memory being just fine. She said she isnt distressed nor is she aware. So I left her approx a total of 7 days in severe pain crying and pacing, having to have supplements syringed and also water. Turned out I was right and was severe pain from tumour invading back of eye where optic nerve is. It caused her eye to tilt. Over theast year, I wanted to put my cat out of her misery and asked if it was fair on her because she looked depressed and hid loads and breathing wasnt great. But because on the odd occasion my cat would pick up a toy (new behaviour that can indicate pain but I had no clue) that this was enough to be classed as quality of life. Then even right at the end when her face was swelling and bursting and It was obviously cruel. She convinced me somehow that I was wrong and guilted me into keeping her going. I knew this vet for many years from where I used to work at an animal sanctuary. She knew I had been bullied there and left, she knew I had past traumas and suffered anxieties and had trust issues and she understood why I only trusted her. I said to her after, had another vet called Emily spoken to me about the symptoms she would have put her to sleep. My vet responded by saying, ye she may have suggested putting her to sleep but you wouldnt have been happy without seeing me first. I said I wanted to put her to sleep ages ago and if Emily suspected it was tumour, I would have done it immediately. First attempt to put her to sleep and vet didnt want to, I said to her that I rather she went a little too soon than a little too late. My vet manipulated me to make it far far too late. I now suffer with PTSDA symptoms as a result of watching my cat crying desperately for help, trying to escape and trying to get comfort from me but I ignored her and shut her out of bedroom so I could sleep because I thought she wasnt suffering and just in a dementia episode that she is unaware of. She was very aware. It pains me so much. I wouldnt be here now if wasnt for family. It only passes the pain to others. So I'm forced to endure it. I'm losing my job and college place. I'm staying with family because I csnt stay at home where sure pain went on and suffering for a year more than she should have. Pain meds would have made a huge difference. Would love to know what this time of manipulation would be classed as. I know my vet didnt like to do things I suggested, looking back its plain as day. But she was so lovely in person, so understanding. I had several alarm bells telling me to change vets but fear of other vets from past experience and the fact I didnt want to hurt my vets feelings from knowing and liking her so much. Everything is so clear how wrong and obvious it was. The treatments and things I asked should have been protocol and I shouldnt have needed to ask. I did complain about her colleagues that hurt my other cat so not sure it revenge was in her mind. I stuck with her as didnt want my baby girl going through what her brother did but sticking with this vet meant she went through so much more suffering. Far more pain over a year long period, as opposed to him being under an hour with other vet. I hate myself so much for not seeing the obvious. Would love to know what you think.
Oh, the narcs in my life actually helped me to get rid of my brother by using him as a flying monkey. I'm fine with it as I should have blocked him a long time ago as he was one of my siblings who abused me when I was a child, so yahoo thank you big time 😁
#2 just tried happening...one day he announced a business trip to CA, and mentioned wanting to go to PA for another. The next night over dinner he pitched a question to our child, "what would you think if Daddy got a new job, in a new city, and we went to live there?" --> I instantly went into wtf mode inside...after dinner he told me he had already applied and was going for interviews in PA. He also already looked at houses, the school district, commute times, cost of living, etc....slowly he revealed things. A week before flying to in for an in person interview he said, "I never asked you what you thought of PA." That was the one time I said my piece about how I hadn't thought about PA yet (I lied) because I was too angry. That as the other consenting adult in the house I should know or have my 2 cents counted and instead learned over dinner. He was called out, then did the victim/bully plug. I learned when he got back, thank goodness he didn't get the job, that he did in fact have a choice between 2 locations, and then explained why he chose PA. Yeah, totally unplanned, spur of the moment opportunity-- what a liar. I knew if he got that job I wasn't going with. I knew I couldn't be that far from my support system as things are. He's done other things too. That was just the biggest, most recent.
To summarize: if the compromises in a relationship is changing you to a person you dont like or feels like sucking your soul out of you or feels draining literally all the time, then its time to run for the hills.
100% of these apply to my last gf who accused me of cheating every time my phone vibrated. I just found out she moved on years ago and was lying to my face for extra moral and financial support. She has at least one other man but likely several. I'm left completely broken and alone.
Currently in relationship where I had to cut my friend of because she liked going out and wanted me to come out also not allowed any social media or I’m constantly being monitored by him but I love him a lot can’t see life with out him …But when I do things I can’t do them by myself he says if I leave no one will love me because he don’t cheat on me and he is loyal because he is always around me and just wants me to love him but says I was a bad person before I met him because of my past don’t know how to not have feelings for him..
My daughter whom I was very close to, married after knowing her husband for a year. He is 7 years younger and a Christian. She became a Christian shortly before she met him and is 41. I myself have been a Christian for 30 years. She has 2 girls and he has a girl and a boy. They were clearly having a sexual relationship before they married. Not that that is the issue but he doesn't like her 11 year old singing in the school choir at her catholic school or doing contemporary dance classes as it's too "worldly". At the same time it's OK for them to go to the local pub every week and play pool. Her personality changed pretty much soon after meeting him and she acted very snarky towards me. I have a business and she works for me 1 day a week. I also built a workroom for her to practice Bowan therapy which she uses free of charge. The day she works for me I pick my grand kids up from school, feed them, take them to any classes they need to go to, which is what you do for your grand kids. They have been married for 6 months and she has been getting upset with me over really small things. First when she suggested I sell coffees in my shop which just wouldn't work, she didn't speak to me for a week when all I did was question how that would work. The next time was when I asked if she was available an extra day to work leading up to Christmas. She got very upset with me and told me I put her in a difficult position. It's school holidays and she has the kids which I forget sometimes because I have a lot going on, but why not just say no, I have the kids. I have been very accommodating to her. It hurts a lot and I feel so betrayed. Previously she 2as in an emotionally abusive relationship with an alcoholic for 20 years and she never treated me like this, just the opposite. Now she acts like she can't stand me. I'm wondering whether it's a sign that she's not coping. I also feel as though he's isolating her from her family, emotionally, but at the same time he wants me to give her full time employment so they can get a loan for a home. Sorry for the ramble and no one will probably read it but it helps to get it out as I don't have many people to talk about it.
Grew up being called a retard by my step father, later in life I realized that it really got into my head and isolated me in the sense of being insecure that the feeling that I can't meet up to someone's standards and I'm just not enough. It made me shy, too afraid to speak up. It debilitated me in the sense that i believed it to a degree as did my siblings, I only ever poured my glass half full, never could carry my confidence to a max because I always felt like someone would see me and I would get some kind of backlash for it. When it comes to competing I feel a guilt pushing myself to the max as I feel I don't deserve it as much as someone out there, I'm no genius and my ideas are only a match compared to what someone else is capable of. I'm a late bloomer in all things, my independence being one of them. I find I really desire a life where I don't need anyone's input, I don't need to measure myself according to their expectations or their idea of happiness and a way of life. The worst thing I feel is having people you care about in your life that make you feel you can't do anything without them, that your ideas will not flourish, you're not good enough. I'm a very simple person who loves the idea of family life. I never wanted to grow my independence to a point where I had to sacrifice that but so far from my experience even within a family unit you can't transform to be your best you if the people in your life only see what they want to see. You've got to let someone be them and not try to change them to fit your plan, people are not tools to be used to obtain your vision of a dream or happiness in life. We all deserve to be happy and carry peace within us. Trauma from my past is something I've fought many people on but the biggest fight is with myself. Only you're responsible for your inner peace and happiness.
I need help with a question... My boyfriend is sleeping with his ex on the same bed. and when I say I am not comfortable with it. He says I will be uncomfortable with anyone in his life. That's makes me feel as if I am a controlling person and maybe something is wrong with me. I asked, where does the ex sleep when he sleeps over, he says I should ask his ex. Ok, when I go to ask the ex. He then says that I don't know when to let go of things. I just feel bad constantly because I feel as if I am doing something wrong and that I am the problem. I feel guilty constantly as if I am mistreating him.
theyre having sex. you know this. your gut tells you this. just dump him, embrace the pain, work through whatever insecurity you have so that you dont choose this type of cheater again
DUMP. HIM. leave quietly, don’t announce your plans. Slowly start moving your things out until one day, you are the last thing to leave & you’re just gone. Poof. Go no contact, block him on everything & move on with your life.
Since learning about NPD and things my husband did had a name (narcissist abuse and coercive control), I have come to the realization that the public at large is ABSOLUTELY in a narcissistically abusive relationship with our government and legacy media. 😬 I think the biggest tell is how their WORDS don’t seem to line up with their ACTIONS.
@@idontknowyouthatsmypurse same goes for religious people. It's only a different trauma bond, and even worse in gaslighting. In fact, religion is the root of all the narcissism in this world. The Devil is in the details. Religion caused continuous traumas because they learn you to accept an abusive relationship with God/Allah/JHWH. Wich caused many women to stay in abusive relationships. That results in generational trauma. So the narcissism that you see today, comes from religion as a tool to coersively control the mass. Again, the Devil is in the details.
It's not only done through fear, it can also be done through guilt trip, victimizing themselves, insistance/persistence (not taking no for an answer) aka disrespect and breaking of boundaries.
Trauma bonding. Something I had never known anything about, but an awareness of what it is and how it works has opened my eyes to so much toxic behavior I was so bewildered by previously.
This is so true!! My ex-husband used to yell at me and call me names when I would sit and read books, which I love to do. So I stopped reading and it’s been 13 years since we divorced, and I still can’t sit and read. I knew that it was his abuse that caused this, that it feels bad to read. I have so angry with him for taking that away from me. Thank you for validating this.
Ha both of my exes would get soooo mad and call me names when I picked up a book, and would always do things to make me stop reading. My issue now is, I am controlled from a distance, so lately when I pick up a book, I cannot even focus on the book anymore, I just start thinking of my situation.
Please start reading again. Don't let him control you any more. He has already taken so much joy from you. No one should be allowed to hold such power over another person. Learn to love books again and consider it a form of revenge. Try to manage a few chapters at a time at first, then progress a little more each day. Good luck ❤
When you have to hide a healthy phone call. Yeah that hit home
My husband is controlling like this. His dad was that way and now my husband is. He tells me that my family members think I am stupid and that they talk about me behind my back. There are a lot of things I hide from him. There are things I don’t do because I don’t want to hear it from him. He doesn’t yell at me, instead he uses guilt and fear. I don’t do the things I love because he keeps me too busy to have time to do things I love. On the rare occasions that I do get to do things I love he won’t let me do them by myself. He always has to be with me and he has too much advice on how I should be doing my hobbies that I would just rather not do the hobbies because I can’t enjoy my hobbies when he is telling me how to do them.
Leave him, he's a horribly control freak.
It is hard when your significant other becomes your husband or the father of your children, only to discover these toxic traits.
It is of course, your choice to stay or leave.
If it becomes someone else's' choice, you will have feelings of guilt etc...and you will probably go back.
Once you make the decision to leave, you don't even think about it, it becomes a resolved path, and you tend not to feel like you owe anyone anything...only yourself!
If you stay, you could try rising above the bad behaviour-becoming stronger...call out the behaviours...my concern however in these situations, is will the behaviour become worse or even violent???
If that is not the case, call them out, show them for what they are, without stooping to their level of put-downs, mockery, etc... just rise above it and lead by example how you would like to be treated, and let them know you won't accept anything less.
You don't deserve less.
No one does.
All the best, Michelle
God Bless ✝
Thank you, Michele--always so enlightening. Even after a year of living seperately from my husband, I am discovering more and more the way his behavior was controlling. He has traits of a covert narcissist, but he is also so passive aggressive, it has taken a long time to see clearly what he did (and does) over the 15 years of marriage. I had no idea it began when I got married, moving to the other side of the country with no internet, no phone except on the weekends, and even no tv. He used the term, "Two become one," all the time, so I gave up so much of what what mine and who I was. Thanks again for your insightful videos!
Ah, yes, the passive aggressiveness makes it that more insidious. And, yes, the tryranny of we. After 20+ years with my ex I was conditioned to believe that what was his, was his, and, what was mine, was ours. At the end, he had me convinced he could sell my car, because it was ours through marriage. But, his truck was his truck. So good that you got away!
What a great video! Thank you for such an accurate description of what coercive control is. It is like being a prisoner in a world of deception! Pure hell!
I recently visited "home" after 12 years living overseas and it felt *exactly* like being in prison. To the extent of being isolated to one room of the house for 5 days without being spoken to, invited to eat, etc. Like they would speak to each other infront of me without inclding me in the covnersation, and I was not allowed to see friends- and any time I talked to my friends I was interrupted or they shut the door so they did not have to hear me speak in a another language. I was supposed to visit for 3 weeks; I left after 1.5. It was such a WTF moment.
I used to love going to the gym or outdoor stairs. He would always call me during my workouts, and seem "bothered" when I would let him go. He would also call me when I was on the stairs and start arguments. So happy I got away.... now its getting him out of my blocked messages ... 💣
Yes he was actively trying to ruin the things you love so that you would associate them with fear and unpleasant feelings.
I got into mothing (which is catching moths in a light trap and then photographing them before letting them go). My dad knew how much I loved this but went out of his way to disconnect the battery so it wouldn't work and hoped I hadn't noticed. When I quizzed him, he completely denied it to my face. They will lie to your face and not even blush.
What you are talking about today I experienced repeatedly with the narcissist! Anytime I finished a project or created something I would often have this gut feeling that she would not be appreciative or would want to change something about what I just did…. I think it was all about control, subjugation and probably “putting me in my place” for the narcissist! It was in so many ways so debilitating and literally destroyed what self-esteem I had left in me at that moment when she did that! 👿
Been there. Once we do or finish anything, narcissists also like to tell us something else was more of a priority, complain about everything we haven't done, or talk about how much more they do than us.
no
this is your problem. your fault.
do work without expecting reward. acts of kindess when no one is watchimg.
sounds like your subjuating yourself. i mean after all that she didnt even say thank you!?
was the things she wanted ot change bad ideas?
these are your perspecticves. u can reframe them.
rewrite that paragraph but take all the responsibily and empower yourself as much as possible....
or is she behind you telling you that your weak and worthless and theres nothign u can do about it because
what? its all her fault? you really want to live that way? especially if your no longer together?
no one can destroy your SELF-esteem.
really cant take you serioudly when u say "the narcissist". so she has been diagnosed by a licensed medical proffesional to have NDP?
u seem like wolf in sheeps clothing friend
Having gone through mental and physical trauma related to my marriage, my brother has assumed the task of "helping" me. Many of the signs that you list are applicable to his behavior towards me now. It is extremely difficult to set boundaries with him, but I am working on it with my counselor. I just wanted to share this because I believe that coercive control can be found not only with partners and friends, but family members. Thank you for your insightful video.
It is often a desperate insecurity or 'short coming' they feel within themselves, sometimes they are not even conscience of this.
Perhaps you could let them know (gently) when they behave like this...(give example) it has this' ... ' impact on you...then ask them WHY they do it?
Get them to actually THINK about their behaviours, once it has been pointed out to them that it is an issue.
Be gentle however, as they honestly may not even be aware of how their (pattern) of behaviour is affecting you.
Try not to criticise them, but rather let them know how it is impacting you.
It might be a better way of maintaining the relationship, rather than destroying it, if you feel that they might be willing to accept their behaviour is having a negative impact on you.
Family relationships are hard sometimes.
Take care Mary 😊
I chose to distance myself from some old social circles due to some narcissists in the group and thankfully I was able to do that during the pandemic when things shut down. Even though some places have opened back up, I am cautious about getting out there and seeing people again because I'm not sure I want to be around the same toxic people and moving forward I might only want to be in social circles that are uplifting and supportive and stay away from those social circles where people try to coerce me to feel bad about not partying like they do. It gets lonely only seeing one friend group once a month for open mic nights, but it seems like the healthy alternative for now.
❤ excellent video 1. 1:40 steering you away from activities you enjoy with their anger or pouting 2.
Most people assume that these things only occur in intimate relationships, which isn't always the case. Thanks for the video!
YES!!! Thank you! My mother was extremely coercive and controlling and the extended family were abusers by proxy when she needed reinforcement. These people are purely demonic, given over to a reprobate mind and beyond redemption
Yes, it can be aquaintances or ”friends” aswell!!
I’ve been through hell and back with abusive relationships to the degree, I can spot coercion very early on in dating. I dated a guy recently for a total of 2 weeks. We hung out about 5x within that time period, 2 of which were him showing up at the yoga classes I teach. From the very beginning he started texting me nonstop, calling me several times throughout the day, sending me tons of selfies, texting me late at night, first thing in the morning - it was overwhelming and stressful! I quickly found out he was married and that he had blocked my social media page from his wife’s account so that I would not see her - indicating he was controlling her social media page and controlling her! I cut the cord quick and told him what I thought of him in full detail so that I would be far less likely to have him try to come back around after I blocked him. I’m so thankful for videos like yours as they have helped me get out of abusive relationships and prevent getting involved with them in the first place!
Just now the narcissitic father was using violence to get into the house. He threatened from outside and once he got in took hold of the sweeper to beat my elder sibling. It got stopped on time. I was trembling. His "reasoning" was just because he removed his clothes on before entering cause of covid. He could not wait for my elder sister to open the door he was already violent. My elder sister told me she can't remember anything. I want to say thank you for your channel, i was working on listing the core beliefs last night.
Call the cops. Do not put up with that from anyone. Don't let anyone behaving violently or threatening into your space/home.
Ignore them and get on the phone for help.
Secure your windows and doors.
It will send a very clear message to them, that you won't tolerate that.
You are not to blame/responsible for someone else's' poor/dangerous behaviour.
Nip it in the bud, straight away...otherwise you will always be defending yourself or someone else and it could end badly.
No one has to live/be around an environment like that and live on edge.
That is so unfair.
Take care and safety first, 🕊
Spot on! I was trauma bonded to my ex. I woke up…. Depressed of course but now that I’m unattached I feel so free. Thank God I let go. On my path to healing and happiness now. This video is helpful!
Once you have received this and a collective array of priceless information, which can only find a permanent lodging in your knowledge after the fog, you will discern that these disordered individuals are the most toxic substance you ever chose to stay in contact with. Too much cognitive dissonance, too much not giving up, too much codependency on anybody. It is great to be on the other side yet Con-Ed on the subject still keeps shields up for the healthy life. Your decisesivness keenly resolute.
Abused men need info & help too.
He told me he was mad at his dad so he didn’t want to talk to him or go to holidays. I pressed for him to go for our kids. We saw him and the family often before this. He insisted we don’t go to family functions. Then he told the family behind my back that I didn’t want to go.😮I didn’t know. I was supporting him. Begging to be apart of family functions. Then he turned around and started talking to them again behind my back. When I found out, I simply assumed I would be included and he had done so much damage that no one wants to be around me and my kids and I literally did nothing to them. Shows the character of the entire family to be honest. Either way, I am not allowed to attend family functions and if I tried to go they yell and scream for me to leave thinking they are protecting him. I don’t know from what? I’m married to him to this day. He swears he just talks to them occationally to be nice and I’m nuts. I literally see and hear his calls??
My ex wife and mother inlaw both Narcs, called it "training". The mother inlaw openly and repeatedly said men need to be trained. She laughed and ridiculed her husband in public. She also trained her three children and anyone else in her reach, to dance to her tune or suffer her outbursts. The daughter was the same.
It takes a narcissist to make a narcissist. I have a very similar story, at least now my eyes are open. Knowledge is power, wisdom is what you do with it.
I have a very similar story also, it's been years now and I'm still looking for myself.
I know exactly what you are talking about as I had been trained by a family member. And I must say that your ex wife and her mother remind me of Meghan Markle.
Sure it's not the ex I was married too... 😂
Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry you went through that 😢
You make the best videos on narcissistic abuse
I agree!..thank you Michele for your excellent explanations..they really reveal a lot of wisdom on these topics.
Thank you. Great video. I think the best part is learning that you're not alone and that there are ppl that understand and have been in your shoes.
Yep. This video describes my relationship with my mother perfectly. She is no longer in my life but I still struggle.
It’s not just about aggression. It’s about sulking or silence when you say you’re doing something else. Eg going to the gym, shopping, spending time with family
You can’t enjoy anything enduring covert abuse. The link between joy/fulfillment and pain is so entrenched your brain doesn’t even want to experience joyful and fulfilling things. It can’t feel joy without pain, and eventually just stops seeking joy.
It is because they feel no joy at all inside. Empty shells.
This happened to me as a teenager -
I played the Clarinet & Piano all the way through school; however every time I practised, it was underhandedly conveyed to me that I wasn't allowed to be doing that & that I should stop it.
Of course, when, at Parents' evenings I was told off for 'not practising enough' - or if I was failing academically - my parent then criticised ME for not practising enough!!
It's not a surprise that every time I've tried to take either instrument up as an adult, I've dropped it quickly.
She made me allergic to something I loved doing.
She still plays piano though, so all is well in her world, at least!!! 🙄😠
Thank you for sharing from your own experience. Being controlled this way is the worst, and it takes a long time to get back to who you were.
Thank you, Michele!!! Can you do more videos about coercive control? Also, I've heard that some countries have specific laws against it, but not here in the USA ...
THANK YOU. I hear men explaining this but it hits different when it's coming from a fellow woman. It feels like.. honestly the best way I can put it is emotional torture. Not namecalling per se, he avoids the common derogatory words flung at women but degrades my character, gaslights, etc. It has taken a toll on my life, as he starts these text wars around midnight, knowing I work early in the morning.
I then get an apology the next day, and by the next night he's back to rage texting.
I do fear him. He would never hit me, but I fear him.
Great channel Michele 👍🏻 Best wishes from the UK
Best of hopes and interests for those joining in in February. 🙏
The Hercule Poirot novel, "Appointment With Death" by Agatha Christie, has a Mrs Boynton who exemplifies a toxic person, especially one who is likely also a Narcissist.
My narc wife, when I began dating her, convinced me to join her church, get rid of my friends, and either get my family to join the church or cut them off. I also had to limit my calls eventually to text messages because she always had a million and one questions when I was on the phone re who it was, my relationship to them and their sexual preference or marital status.
I/we have heard verbal violence over the phone. Cruel & Evil
This hurts so bad
my narc sibling got emotionally and physically aggressive/ abusive during my appointment with my therapist. she was making comments about how i have too much makeup on and slammed my door shut & slammed my computer shut in front of the therapist. i’ve just been walking on eggshells since until i can fully move out
This sounds so much like concern trolling, which can be so insidious and under the radar. So spot in describing my relationships with my parents, ex husband and ex best friend.
They vilify us, and those around us, using their concern. Constant concern created and still creates so much fear. Living among "Nice" narcissists is always like waiting for the next shoe to drop. They will be so sweet, until we supposedly push too many of their buttons, then they are all rage. And, all of a sudden, people are treating us different. We just don't realize the narc has been expressing concern about us. It's others, the narcs say, not them, that are concerned. Then, there's plenty of talk about how the outside world is so scary and they are the only safe ones.
Even when we leave, we can be left feeling like our lives are so tragic and sad and we are scared to venture out into the scary world.
Yea everything you said 😢 but i feel so lonely with no support it’s difficult . I wish there was a place for people who suffered this to meet. It’s really terrible when even parents / family are like this
@@cottoncandyxunicornI totally know the feeling. I only knew support and connection through enmeshed and codependent relationships. Gabor Mate describes how, as children, some of us had to give up our autonomy in order to be able to stay connected to our parents. I fear abandonment every time I try to self differentiate. I was conditioned to think that I need to give up myself to be connected. But, I'm learning that we can't have true connection until we can be our authentic self and aren't afraid to lose the support of others by being ourselves.
I've been trying to reconnect with a few long distance friends and family that I can have normal conversations with. I may not be able to consider them a support system and they may not understand what I'm going through, but they are a healthy connection and are respectful. It helps me to watch these videos and share in the comment section. Jay Reid also has a channel that speaks to my experience. So far, it's a small group that comments on his videos, but it is validating to read about their experiences so similar to mine.
@@cottoncandyxunicorn I just gave a big response, but I didn't really acknowledge what you're going through. I am really sorry you are going through this, especially with your parents. I know I tend to think feeling lonely and not having a support system is proof there's something wrong with me. Then, I feel pressured to hold on to the wrong people. But, we are all worthy of a healthy relationships. It's just that it may take a little longer for those of us that didn't have good enough parents to teach us what was healthy.
been in the isolated 'place' where having no contact with family and friends,. Luckily God helps me with the job outside the 'place' then I can meet healthy people
Needed this
Thank you so much for this information.
It's pure gold.
it is uncanny - the last three videos I watched of yours succinctly summarized the last 6 years of my life. 5.5 years of abuse. Then I had two months of me yelling out/calling for help so to soeapk. dsdd,ddl
She's completely nuts and likes being able to act out with no other witnesses. Makes it so much easier to gaslight.... "I'm not crazy, you're crazy!"
My narcissistic father went from being super hateful to then pretend to care about my well being. Don't buy into his manipulation anymore he's played so many mind games with me over the years and told me nothing but lies lies and more lies. He's either the victim after he done me crappy or he's some kinda hero who all of sudden shows concerns about me.
You are THE BEST. What a good job you do on those. Amazing seriously. 😎🙏💯what I get from it is... 1. THE HIDDEN THEFT of correct emotion. 2. CREDIT where it is due. 3. TRUTH matters. 4. FACTS are not subject to opinions. 5. INTERPRETATION shouldn’t be JUDGEMENT. 6. If you have to convince those that supposedly love you of your stress being undeserved. You’re being GAS LIT/ABUSED shorted. 😬💯✊
Thank you, thank you and thank you for those wonderful and amazing videos which help thousands of people see the reality and escape. You are saving peoples lives!!😊😊😊♥️🙏
I'm experiencing this right now from a guy I never spent any time with, only texts. He locks down every phone and account I get and has for years now, it's Kid Rock doing it, and I don't know how to stop it.
One thing a narc will do is use their talents against you to control you. You are being controlled. Find a service or expert who can protect your phones.
They know he's having me gang stalked and my car messed with regularly and trying to get me taken out! And has been for over 3 years now?! Who else do you tell?! @@alleng9755
@@harperlea9288 ok whoa...I fully understand how a person you connect with via text can easily take over accounts if they are very tech savvy, etc. But you are saying it is the rock singer Kid Rock and that you only text?!? If you can't see catfish with that PLEASE consider that is exactly what cyber narcs do (assume others identities, lie, etc.) I have met KR in real life and sorry to tell ya, I'd be willing to bet that is not who you are talking with. It just isn't. Ask yourself then why only texting....that is absurd. Please don't give out your info to people you've never met in real life, for your safety. Best of luck and stay safe!
It was Kid Rock sweetheart. I appreciate your comment but it's a long story with up coming trail. I did meet him in Florida in passing.@@aking4766,
Don't let this person run your life. Change your identity
I needed to hear this today. Thank you Michele
It’s all about fulfilling the prime aims of the narcissist
Control
Fuel (emotional attention) positive & negative
Character traits
Residual benefits
They are the parasite and your the main host
My abusive husband did all of the above
This clarifies the cause of my fawning. A was recently asked, "If I don't help you, who will?" It was alarming because I think it's more than just invalidating, but I can't put my finger on it. I'm in a remote rural area, so it's valid in that respect only. I can't wait to blow out of here and go back to a beach city.
Can't thank you enough for this vidéo pertinente 🙏🏻❤
My roommate have a gf that is a narcissist she do all that stuff to him and it's sad his 62 years old and she's 28 years old
Not to forget to mention how many times he cried having a conversation with me about his GF going out sometimes with her friends without him knowing that she out with a younger guy and he can't do nothing about it
Thanks for the education.
Could you do one on professionals?
I went through cohesive control from my vet. It meant my cat suffered horrendously. I liked and trusted those vet for over a decade. She knew I only trusted her most due to bad experience with another pet.
But if made suggestions like my cat needs bloods done for checking thyroid and potassium levels to adjust meds appropriately, she would say no and make me feel bad if I did, despite cat needing it, it worked. Other things I suggested, my cat had nasal tumour and was on palliative care, she delayed obvious signs of pain and soreness but vet made out the steroids was enough and pain symptoms werent pain. She had obvious infection and needed antibiotics but I was afraid to go to another vet as didnt think she would be happy and may think I'm going behind her back, so I got it from a friend who happened to have some. She would have a blocked tear duct and face would swell like a balloon and burst. Vet made out that she wasnt in pain.
Cat started crying and pacing, and I asked if it was severe pain from tumour spreading. She told me that cats dont cry and pace in pain. She told me it was sudden dementia, despite her memory being just fine. She said she isnt distressed nor is she aware. So I left her approx a total of 7 days in severe pain crying and pacing, having to have supplements syringed and also water. Turned out I was right and was severe pain from tumour invading back of eye where optic nerve is. It caused her eye to tilt.
Over theast year, I wanted to put my cat out of her misery and asked if it was fair on her because she looked depressed and hid loads and breathing wasnt great. But because on the odd occasion my cat would pick up a toy (new behaviour that can indicate pain but I had no clue) that this was enough to be classed as quality of life. Then even right at the end when her face was swelling and bursting and It was obviously cruel. She convinced me somehow that I was wrong and guilted me into keeping her going.
I knew this vet for many years from where I used to work at an animal sanctuary. She knew I had been bullied there and left, she knew I had past traumas and suffered anxieties and had trust issues and she understood why I only trusted her.
I said to her after, had another vet called Emily spoken to me about the symptoms she would have put her to sleep. My vet responded by saying, ye she may have suggested putting her to sleep but you wouldnt have been happy without seeing me first. I said I wanted to put her to sleep ages ago and if Emily suspected it was tumour, I would have done it immediately.
First attempt to put her to sleep and vet didnt want to, I said to her that I rather she went a little too soon than a little too late.
My vet manipulated me to make it far far too late. I now suffer with PTSDA symptoms as a result of watching my cat crying desperately for help, trying to escape and trying to get comfort from me but I ignored her and shut her out of bedroom so I could sleep because I thought she wasnt suffering and just in a dementia episode that she is unaware of. She was very aware. It pains me so much. I wouldnt be here now if wasnt for family. It only passes the pain to others. So I'm forced to endure it. I'm losing my job and college place. I'm staying with family because I csnt stay at home where sure pain went on and suffering for a year more than she should have. Pain meds would have made a huge difference.
Would love to know what this time of manipulation would be classed as. I know my vet didnt like to do things I suggested, looking back its plain as day. But she was so lovely in person, so understanding. I had several alarm bells telling me to change vets but fear of other vets from past experience and the fact I didnt want to hurt my vets feelings from knowing and liking her so much.
Everything is so clear how wrong and obvious it was. The treatments and things I asked should have been protocol and I shouldnt have needed to ask. I did complain about her colleagues that hurt my other cat so not sure it revenge was in her mind. I stuck with her as didnt want my baby girl going through what her brother did but sticking with this vet meant she went through so much more suffering. Far more pain over a year long period, as opposed to him being under an hour with other vet.
I hate myself so much for not seeing the obvious. Would love to know what you think.
Oh, the narcs in my life actually helped me to get rid of my brother by using him as a flying monkey. I'm fine with it as I should have blocked him a long time ago as he was one of my siblings who abused me when I was a child, so yahoo thank you big time 😁
This was a great video, brings a lot of insight ❤. Thank you for the wonderful educational content as always
Absolutely true....
#2 just tried happening...one day he announced a business trip to CA, and mentioned wanting to go to PA for another. The next night over dinner he pitched a question to our child, "what would you think if Daddy got a new job, in a new city, and we went to live there?" --> I instantly went into wtf mode inside...after dinner he told me he had already applied and was going for interviews in PA. He also already looked at houses, the school district, commute times, cost of living, etc....slowly he revealed things. A week before flying to in for an in person interview he said, "I never asked you what you thought of PA." That was the one time I said my piece about how I hadn't thought about PA yet (I lied) because I was too angry. That as the other consenting adult in the house I should know or have my 2 cents counted and instead learned over dinner. He was called out, then did the victim/bully plug. I learned when he got back, thank goodness he didn't get the job, that he did in fact have a choice between 2 locations, and then explained why he chose PA. Yeah, totally unplanned, spur of the moment opportunity-- what a liar. I knew if he got that job I wasn't going with. I knew I couldn't be that far from my support system as things are.
He's done other things too. That was just the biggest, most recent.
To summarize: if the compromises in a relationship is changing you to a person you dont like or feels like sucking your soul out of you or feels draining literally all the time, then its time to run for the hills.
100% of these apply to my last gf who accused me of cheating every time my phone vibrated. I just found out she moved on years ago and was lying to my face for extra moral and financial support. She has at least one other man but likely several. I'm left completely broken and alone.
Currently in relationship where I had to cut my friend of because she liked going out and wanted me to come out also not allowed any social media or I’m constantly being monitored by him but I love him a lot can’t see life with out him …But when I do things I can’t do them by myself he says if I leave no one will love me because he don’t cheat on me and he is loyal because he is always around me and just wants me to love him but says I was a bad person before I met him because of my past don’t know how to not have feelings for him..
My daughter whom I was very close to, married after knowing her husband for a year. He is 7 years younger and a Christian. She became a Christian shortly before she met him and is 41. I myself have been a Christian for 30 years. She has 2 girls and he has a girl and a boy.
They were clearly having a sexual relationship before they married. Not that that is the issue but he doesn't like her 11 year old singing in the school choir at her catholic school or doing contemporary dance classes as it's too "worldly". At the same time it's OK for them to go to the local pub every week and play pool. Her personality changed pretty much soon after meeting him and she acted very snarky towards me. I have a business and she works for me 1 day a week. I also built a workroom for her to practice Bowan therapy which she uses free of charge. The day she works for me I pick my grand kids up from school, feed them, take them to any classes they need to go to, which is what you do for your grand kids. They have been married for 6 months and she has been getting upset with me over really small things. First when she suggested I sell coffees in my shop which just wouldn't work, she didn't speak to me for a week when all I did was question how that would work. The next time was when I asked if she was available an extra day to work leading up to Christmas. She got very upset with me and told me I put her in a difficult position. It's school holidays and she has the kids which I forget sometimes because I have a lot going on, but why not just say no, I have the kids. I have been very accommodating to her. It hurts a lot and I feel so betrayed. Previously she 2as in an emotionally abusive relationship with an alcoholic for 20 years and she never treated me like this, just the opposite. Now she acts like she can't stand me. I'm wondering whether it's a sign that she's not coping. I also feel as though he's isolating her from her family, emotionally, but at the same time he wants me to give her full time employment so they can get a loan for a home. Sorry for the ramble and no one will probably read it but it helps to get it out as I don't have many people to talk about it.
Is that why I can't crochet anymore?
YES❗
Grew up being called a retard by my step father, later in life I realized that it really got into my head and isolated me in the sense of being insecure that the feeling that I can't meet up to someone's standards and I'm just not enough. It made me shy, too afraid to speak up. It debilitated me in the sense that i believed it to a degree as did my siblings, I only ever poured my glass half full, never could carry my confidence to a max because I always felt like someone would see me and I would get some kind of backlash for it. When it comes to competing I feel a guilt pushing myself to the max as I feel I don't deserve it as much as someone out there, I'm no genius and my ideas are only a match compared to what someone else is capable of. I'm a late bloomer in all things, my independence being one of them. I find I really desire a life where I don't need anyone's input, I don't need to measure myself according to their expectations or their idea of happiness and a way of life. The worst thing I feel is having people you care about in your life that make you feel you can't do anything without them, that your ideas will not flourish, you're not good enough. I'm a very simple person who loves the idea of family life. I never wanted to grow my independence to a point where I had to sacrifice that but so far from my experience even within a family unit you can't transform to be your best you if the people in your life only see what they want to see. You've got to let someone be them and not try to change them to fit your plan, people are not tools to be used to obtain your vision of a dream or happiness in life. We all deserve to be happy and carry peace within us. Trauma from my past is something I've fought many people on but the biggest fight is with myself. Only you're responsible for your inner peace and happiness.
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I wanna sign up
I need help with a question... My boyfriend is sleeping with his ex on the same bed. and when I say I am not comfortable with it. He says I will be uncomfortable with anyone in his life. That's makes me feel as if I am a controlling person and maybe something is wrong with me. I asked, where does the ex sleep when he sleeps over, he says I should ask his ex. Ok, when I go to ask the ex. He then says that I don't know when to let go of things. I just feel bad constantly because I feel as if I am doing something wrong and that I am the problem. I feel guilty constantly as if I am mistreating him.
theyre having sex. you know this. your gut tells you this. just dump him, embrace the pain, work through whatever insecurity you have so that you dont choose this type of cheater again
DUMP. HIM. leave quietly, don’t announce your plans. Slowly start moving your things out until one day, you are the last thing to leave & you’re just gone. Poof. Go no contact, block him on everything & move on with your life.
Pronounced kow-ur-suhv ☺
Sigh 😌
It’s sad when you love yet fear your partner when the only one you should love and fear is the Good Lord
How to talk about governments and media without using the words 'governments and media'.
Since learning about NPD and things my husband did had a name (narcissist abuse and coercive control), I have come to the realization that the public at large is ABSOLUTELY in a narcissistically abusive relationship with our government and legacy media. 😬 I think the biggest tell is how their WORDS don’t seem to line up with their ACTIONS.
@@idontknowyouthatsmypurse same goes for religious people. It's only a different trauma bond, and even worse in gaslighting. In fact, religion is the root of all the narcissism in this world. The Devil is in the details. Religion caused continuous traumas because they learn you to accept an abusive relationship with God/Allah/JHWH. Wich caused many women to stay in abusive relationships. That results in generational trauma. So the narcissism that you see today, comes from religion as a tool to coersively control the mass. Again, the Devil is in the details.
Number one sign is that your wife berates and belittles you for going to the pub with your mates
In other words stay away from me and out of my way
Insanity !
Why do these sick people exist? 🤢 😡
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what is it again woman
This sounds just like what Justin Trudeau has been doing to Canada over the past few years.
I was thinking about this. 🫶🏾