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Retroactive Jealousy: How to help as the partner.
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- Опубликовано: 18 май 2021
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Hi there, we are Eva & Sean Harrison.
A married couple that has overcome retroactive jealousy, ROCD and general relationship anxiety. The first few years together we really struggled with these issues and today we work together to help individuals and couples who feel overwhelmed, anxious, frustrated and stuck due to intrusive thoughts and mental movies regarding their partner’s past and/or doubts about their relationship today.
Whether you suffer from Retroactive Jealousy, ROCD, Relationship Anxiety or just want some invaluable relationship advice we hope our content helps you.
If you’re an individual or couple suffering with anxiety, confusion, anger, disgust, judgement, intrusive thoughts, trust issues, numbness, uncertainty in your relationship and are trying to keep it together on the outside but are suffering daily on the inside or if you’ve Googled or looked up “Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy”, “Overcoming ROCD”, “Relationship Anxiety symptoms”, “ROCD / Retroactive Jealousy why do the thoughts feel so real?”, “How to stop wishing your partner's past was different”, “How to treat ROCD”, “Intrusive thoughts and compulsions in relationships”, “Feeling doubt/questioning my relationship”, “Cure for Retroactive Jealousy?”, “How to overcome Retroactive Jealousy”, “ROCD / Relationship Anxiety or wrong relationship?”, “Relationship OCD urge to break up”, “ Retroactive Jealousy symptoms”, “ROCD symptoms” you’ve come to the right place.
The people we have worked with have experienced and processed how and why these things showed up in their relationships. As well as how it lead to them having intrusive thoughts, feeling angry, sad, anxious and like they are self sabotaging their relationship.
DISCLAIMER: Any information or advice we give is purely based on our own experience, learning and research as well as the methods utilised in Rapid Transformational Therapy, NLP and Hypnotherapy. These methods can be used to get to the root cause of any issue but are not for everyone. There is no guarantee as there are many variables that will impact your success. We are not doctors and always encourage you to work with your doctor for your medical care. If you are in a life threatening situation or contemplating suicide, please seek appropriate medical and professional help.
Are you ready to overcome this? Book your one on one discovery call here: calendly.com/overcomingrelationshipanxiety/45min
I am a RJ sufferer and I don’t think it’s healthy for a person to say “oh you haven’t been triggered today “ that will turn the person suffering to think about things . Just be patient and kind and say nice things and do nice things . Plan new experiences w your partner that you never did w anyone else . Say “ let’s do so and so because I always wanted to do it “ things like this will make them feel special . Create memories w them that they will know are special and only between you two. Stay off social media and liking other ppls posts or following things that are not appropriate or make them feel Un special. Give them compliments and remind them how you two were at the beginning or so those things you did before that will remind them why they. Hose you knowing you may have had a past or not . They don’t care about it at the beginning. If you have changed the way you interact or pay attention to them now that you know them . That can be a subconscious trigger . Do what you did at the beginning. And be infatuated w them and treat them new.
I agree with a lot of these points. Especially staying off social media!
i love my girlfriend so much but she is suffering. i want us to work because she is the woman that i want to someday marry. im her 1st boyfriend and she is my 5th. i hope and pray that she would overcome this rj, its hard being the partner. its quite a challenge. but that will not stop me from loving her and supporting her unconditionally. thank you for this lovely video it helped me a lot. now im more determined and now have knowledge on how to support her. thank you thank you immensely.
Thank you! Here is another one that might help:). ruclips.net/video/LGw0QhjMQ0A/видео.html
Do you have an update? really hoping you guys made it.
Update?
Telling my rj boyfriend that the question is uncomfortable to answer would make him verbally abusive.
You have to leave.
If someone is so insecure that he projects and attacks, no matter if it’s mentally, verbally or physically you don’t deserve it and that’s toxic!
Same
men who suffer from OCD are usually kind of shy/inexperienced (like I and my friends..very academic/career/sports oriented and not real aggressive players". If we meet and marry similar women (fit/academic but reserved) we must realize that just because WE have not been approached/come on to by women, a women that age(26 or so) have been approached/come on to dozens of times and its is hard for them to be as sexually inexperienced as we were. We just have to accept it as par to life
I couldn't agree with you more!
Hard pill to swallow... So much shame...
There is nothing wrong with going and looking for the kind of woman you want, and pursuing that.
I only asked one question ever in 1.5years. He was more detailed and forthcoming without prompting than I would ever want While I was vague on details when asked about my past. So now little things trigger me. I don’t feel safe in this relationship and I tend to just go quiet and distant. I’m not jealous of his 50 plus past women. Except for one. Most disgust me And I’m considering leaving him for peace. In my case. I may be the one insecure and feeling unsafe but he but he had a part to play. This isn’t only on me
I can’t believe I have landed up here…
I agree with everything except that it’s only one’s fault, I think we’ve heard in our life more than once that it’s not recommended to have sex before marriage and there are reasons to that.
So glad I found this channel.....
i should've known this, maybe it's too late to follow but ill stay hopeful that I get a chance to support him the right way
Hi maam, im from Philippines 😊
Just recently my partner told me that he has RJ. I am suffering from his RJ episode for couple of months wondering, doubting myself and end-up blaming myself that is why I always make a decision to end our relationship, but there's a part of me that i really want to really help him to cope up on what going on in his life.. i love him, i want him to be my future husband. Thank God told me that he has this RJ, i know that it is hard for him to tell me but he did. Ive searched for it what is it all about, how to cope up . Then i bumb to your video maam and theres a kind of relief that it wasn't me after all coz its very frustrating. Thank u for ur advices how to handle this things it might be challenging but i know he can overcome it if I am by his side. ❤thanks Madam God bless.
Any updates?
Eva Thompson certainly knows her stuff, but I respectfully disagree with the utterly blameless message in this video.
At the extreme end of the spectrum, there are certainly situations where the partner of the RJ sufferer has created a very very difficult environment for for the seed of love to germinate.
We tend to over pathologize these days and make everything into an ‘illness’ or a ‘condition’.
RJOCD is real and powerful, but sometimes the partner should repent if their behavior was traumatizing.
This video has a strong flavor of victim blaming.
Hi Norman, can you please elaborate? Are you referring to cases where the partner has given the RJ sufferer reasons (in their present relationship) to feel this way? Such as lying or bringing up an ex partner in conversation often?
I have also made videos about this too. Everyone's case is unique so I try my best in my videos to not put people in boxes and blame or label one side or the other. I apologize if this video came across that way, it isn't what I stand for.
@@overcomingrelationshipanxiety and I’m sorry if I’m being a bit of a steamroller!
Im quite acutely anxious right now with my RJ!
My husband takes nothing to do with my RJ. He has never tried to fix it, takes nothing to do with it, says it has diluted his love, it's toxic and is focused solely on his self preservation, and not any part of my RJ.He has never thought it was his responsibility to "fix" me and has basically given me an ultimatum. Get rid of the RJ or we seperate. 🤷♂️
If it has been going on for a while and your partner feels this way I would recommend working on the RJ yourself first and then, once he sees a shift in you and is open to working on communication in the relationship so you both feel heard and understood give it a try. However, this takes time.
Unless he has a triggering behavior, it's not his responsability to fix you, but it would be loving of him to help you and assure you.
How about after you beat RJ without losing the relationship, how to help your partner recover from the horrible things you told them?
Here is a video on it: ruclips.net/video/Nf0rz-NJVTw/видео.html
i have been patient with my now husband of 3 weeks but i had never heard of rj before
he is struggling with my past and he’s gone and left me today
he doesn’t know how much he has verbally abused me and called me disgusting names and he thinks no sorry he knows that i am doing something whatever ever that is ( i’m not i adore him ) he has taken the moral high ground as i don’t know much about his past only what he’s told me and i hated the fact he had a life before me but i dealt with it and he has decided that i am this that and the other and he hates me
i know that it is easier for him to blame me for my past and he can’t get over it but he’s making a big mistake in running away
Wow. Sorry. Did he came back?
Thanks so much Eva! That was so helpful! I’ve definitely internalized it and taken responsibility for it but trying to reverse that lately. The being patient part was really important to hear for me too!
Do you have any advice about when the partner has actually agreed that their past is not something to be proud of?
Hi, in my experience it does not really matter to the sufferer in the long run whether you are proud of your past or not. It might give them some temporary relief but it will still bother them the same. This is because again, it is not about you it is about unhealed wounds and fears etc within them.
@@overcomingrelationshipanxiety It DOES matter, when they are still proud of their conquests. In the case of my wife, she knows all she has to do is go out and give them the nod. I was very honest about my past, but she intentionally deceived me. She slept with some really bad characters that I know, and that has taken awhile to deal with.
The only reason I agreed to marry her was because she seemed/acted discreet..and to see HER happy.
Though women lying about their past may be common, it shows that they are really not a good friend. Honesty, truth, and respect are pillars, in marriage..and when trust is broken, remorse and accountability..is the only way to regain respect.
She is still very attractive, but I now realize how much it has gone to her head.
She thrives on attention (which I give) but still thinks about her many lovers. She lied to me about them, before and after the marriage, while acting naive.. But the knowledge that she's a player inside, turns me off. It was not the way we met.
She hasn't been unfaithful (at least physically) and I just trust that it will remain that way. But, without her willingness to give up on this "back-up" security and commit to an honestly workable relationship, I guard my heart. I let that guard down in the beginning, and paid the price.
Im a partner of a girl who suffered RJ, she kind, lovely and she known she suffered it tô. But idk what to say when she triggered. I say sorry, that's a confirmation. I say i love u something something, that become "the goodthing i might told my ex". She want me to lie on her when she ask about my past so she wont face the reality, but when i do, it wont help, cuz she know everything about my past. We dealing with this for a year, eventhough i ve been with my ex 3years ago, and that relationship didnt last as long as us doing now. What can u say to her when she triggered. Sorry for my english
Sorry to hear, we have made this video and many more on how to help: ruclips.net/video/deuGEm1FIus/видео.html
is it still retroactive jealousy when their ex is still relevant?
It depends in what way. Are they giving you a reasons to feel insecure about their relationship? Is it because there are children involved? Is the partner overstepping boundaries? It all depends
@@tapiroca897 honestly i did the same as the guy you mentioned but online ( before i and my gf got together ) yet i have this stupid disorder I can't seem to get rid of. My girlfriend has always loved me, reassured me and dealt with my trauma with me. we've been together for 1.5 years and i still get haunted by the thought of her ex having kissed her ( they never did smth worse than that ) but it haunts me. Now that i read your comment i just realised so much and j feel extremely stupid now. Just like how she has a past, i do too. I hope you're doing well and better now. Thank you, you just changed the way i think without intending to do so. If you're still having these issues you can talk to me on instagram discord or smth.
How about when they do want to work on it but they don’t agree that it is RJ? My partner has made it clear that he doesn’t think it’s on me, but he doesn’t like it when I suggest it could be RJ. Do you think there’s hope? 🥺 As a partner it still pains me because I’m afraid of losing him, not because I feel guilty of my past.
Do you mean he does not want to put a label on it?
@@overcomingrelationshipanxiety well... my bf used to suffer from OCD in a more common form (germs related) and learned how to overcome it successfully. And now many years later he is presenting all the RJ/rOCD signs you have mentioned, but when I asked him if he would consider it could be this, he felt attacked and insisted it was not it and that being hurt by my past relationships (when I didn't even know him) was not related to this.
Hi, I just want to ask this. What if my partner doesn't understand that he has rj and wants to leave me for good? How can I support him after he says that we should break up just because he doesn't feel anything towards me?
Sorry to hear you are going through this. We have a video titled "how to tell your partner they have retroactive jealousy" Sean has many videos supporting the partner of the sufferer. I hope they help.
How about; Don't bring up things about your past. One incodent; Her ex boyfriend after three years. since they dated texted her and accused her of stealing from them. She felt she had to show me this text because she felt guilty about texting back to deny it and thusly showed me the text. I feel this is wrong she hurt me with absolutely no reason and made her problem my problem. She just should have answered blocked the guy and deleted the text and forgot about it.
It could be an option although I view that more as a coping mechanism rather than a solution.
Firstly, your partner will always be walking on eggshells afraid to say or do anything that triggers you.
Secondly, being vulnerable, open and honest with your partner helps bring you closer, build trust and makes the relationship stronger. If your partner doesn't feel accepted and feels judged it will possibly impact your relationship with them in a negative way.
What about removing the triggers? Wouldn't that be something the partner should/can do?
It could be an option although I view that more as a coping mechanism rather than a long term solution.
Firstly, your partner will always be walking on eggshells afraid to say or do anything that triggers you. This isn't exactly fair on them.
Secondly, being vulnerable, open and honest with your partner helps bring you closer, build trust and makes the relationship stronger. If your partner doesn't feel accepted and feels judged it will possibly impact your relationship with them in a negative way.
@@overcomingrelationshipanxiety Hi Eva, have so much thanks for your fast and helpful answer!
I totally agree with your first point.
When you came up with vulnerability, honesty and openness in the second point I had the following thoughts:
I recently wrote a huge mind map to brainstorm everything I'd like to write her in a letter (I kept my RJ for me until now and tried to solve it on my own, but I'm not getting anywhere). It turned out that the letter will actually be brutally honest and I'd show my full vulnerability. I'd write about all my fears, how insecure I feel in this relationship and that I cry several times a week since we're together and sometimes I even don't know why. I'd also write every thought I have about our relationship and the subject of RJ.
After I wrote that mind map I watched some videos about RJ (some of you included). However many male RUclipsrs claim in their videos that you should do the exact contrary of my plans and your "vulnerability, openness and honesty". Keep almost everything for me. I always thought that communication is the key to relationships and if I communicate enough, she will understand me. But these RJ-Experts tell me otherwise. I can see their point of view and I also want to be an emotional stronghold for my girlfriend, not an emotional wreck. At the same time I have the deep urge to talk to her about all these negative feelings, isn't that why we have relationships anyways? Am I just falling for the male gender stereotype?
I feel really confused and don't know how to start the conversation about my RJ with her. I think I'm going to hear about her point of view and what she thinks might help, although these RUclipsrs claim I shouldn't do that.
But it's a 100% clear to me that I can't blame her for anything, that it's only my problem and that it's not her task to fix me.
Still I thirst for understanding and a more happy life for both of us.
@@eliaswendel7257 Thank you for your response. I agree there is a fine line between talking about RJ and opening up to your partner without making matters worse. Here is a link to a video I have made on exactly this topic, I hope it helps : ruclips.net/video/6rIdemr89KA/видео.html
@@crispinswainstonharrison9042 Yeah she left me immedeately after I opened up to her about this issue.
Now my point of view would be, that she can't be the one, if she gives me so many negative feelings and can't communicate.
There are people who do have a triggering behavior. My bf used to trigger me with some comments here and there. It got so bad he saw that if continued - carelessly or intentionally, I don't know - our relationship would end. Then he just stopped it.
It's in every relationship because most western women go around getting "experience"....
And most men are addicted to porn and hire escorts but sure lets focus on the women.
👍🏾
The best way to eliminate RJ in your partner is to lie. Lie about things. Tell him/her the version of the story he/she woukd like to hear. Trust me the Rj will fade after a while.
The solution is to stay pure
stupidest shit i heard
As someone with retroactive jealousy, advising someone to lie to their partner in order to "cure" retroactive jealousy can be considered a form of manipulation. I don't need someone to do this to me. I would rather be single than have a partner who is always lying. I have a partner, and I have already told him about my RJ. All I want from him is to be completely honest with me. I have also told him not to mind if I react, as I am also working on controlling my reactions. I have never tried cursing at him or saying hurtful words so far. This solution is not healthy because it can cause more problems in the long run.
You are giving wrong advice madame. Yes its your problem to fix it. You triggered his/her RJ. Atleast attempt to help them. This can save your relationship. You running away and not taking responsibility is not the answer.