Warning! Don't try to express your feelings to the addict/alcoholic in your life!
HTML-код
- Опубликовано: 21 авг 2024
- Their addiction isn't just ruining their life; it's also ruining yours! They need to wake up and see the damage their doing, right?!?! If only he could see the damage they're causing, they would surely stop. 😫
😃If you like our RUclips content, you'll love our 📢 Advanced Skills Membership! 👇🏻
www.familyreco...
Schedule a strategy session with one of our family recovery specialists: www.familyreco...
I have been in a 20 year marriage to an addict. I have found that there’s no room in the relationship. His addictions, his needs, and all that comes with, there’s no room for me at all. Thanks for your channel. You are really helping people.
I dont beleive in "damaged" jewels . . . have you ever heard of the Japanese art of kintsugi? Look it up! THAT's what you are!
❤
Get out leave
Why stay? Get out.
I have found I am no longer the person I was before since loving an alcoholic. I am worse. Makes me think I need to be alone.
Oh, ditto! Ditto!
When they are in their addiction they don't care how it affects others. They may feel bad to a degree but they put it back on you so they can deny what's going on in their head.
So true!
😊😊😊
Very true my sister was full of remorse after detox but when she was drinking she wasent.
@@PutTheShovelDownbest to get away from people like that
He doesn't think his abuse of me, gaslighting, lies and drinking are the problem in the relationship. He says it's because I'm emotional and volatile.
Just sounds like a different choice of words for the ol' classic excuse: "She's crazy". Sure, Jim. lol
Mine too LOL now that I completely suppress and control my emotions… it’s become insanely evident that he is severely emotionally unstable and delusional. Finding my own job, life, friends…. Has been a blessing straight from heaven. God revealed the problem one step at a time to me… now I’m here! I’m stronger, and I’m savvy. Getting set up, getting myself fully financially set to cut him out of my life forever. I used to feel guilty for this, like I was stealing OUR MONEY 🤣 never again. I’m taking as much as I can and utilizing the time I have while he’s still in willing denial and delusion to get me and my daughter away from him FOR EVER. He’s none the wiser… obviously the denial is a massive blind spot for him…. I can’t help him see the world differently, he protects and defends his denial! Yikes. Keep it. He’s very mentally I’ll but also VERY VERY EVIL… the things he’s done to me could bring him a long sentence in Mexican prison. I’m still deciding if I should press charges and I might actually do it. Otherwise he won’t have a rock bottom. He’s exploited enough of my grace and mercy whilst offering none. I’m leaving before my body and mine literally hates him.
@@monahage3633 how did you know his name was jim.
It's not the alcohol in my opinion its how the person behaves under the influence of the alcohol. I don't care if my husband drinks Dr. Pepper. However, if every time he drank Dr. Pepper he became angry, irrational and volatile than I wouldn't want him to drink Dr. Pepper. The answer is what causes them to feel this emotion not what substance brings the emotion out of them.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. My last straw was when my alcoholic ex gaslit me to the degree of labeling me a narcissist. I knew there was no hope after that. Still didn’t make leaving him any easier though. These people are “Heartbreak Specialists.”
As a recovering alcoholic with 8-1/2 years of sobriety, currently working as an addictions counselor, I can say that I put not only my wife but my parents through a virtual hell during my active addiction, and the advise you offer is so insightful and helpful. Thanks for your work!
Thanks for your support, Chris! 😁
Ditto! You're terrific at what you do Amber❤
@@margoquintana2283 kkdsssssfdtu7oo
I have been thru all of this for 25+ years...it kills you little by little...when it's your kids and it's life long? It just breaks your heart every single day.
You're right cat cat, it wears you down.
Me too 😭😭😭
@cat cat, been going through this for 16 years with my 29 year old daughter with 4 kids that she drags around through break ups with her also addicted and alcoholic husband. Did I mention bouts of of homelessness (aka- evicted from her homes and living with me) where she worries more about her cheating husband more than the fact that she's homeless and living at my apartment. I've been cleaning up and putting her life together for years and each time it just makes her hate me more. I am so tired of rescuing her 24/7 and I don't really care about her anymore.... but the poor kids. 😢 I told her for the first time today that I was embarrassed of her and that SHE was my big problem. I finally told her this after all these years of being bullied. I'm paying her car payments helping her with her kids and letting her live with me rent free with the condition that she keep things clean and stays sober 😔. She can't and won't do it! I have battered wives syndrome from my oldest daughter. It's freaking unreal! I just don't know what to do anymore, but I think we gotta figure it out girlie or we will forever be living in the torment these kids put us in. I don't know about you but I've had enough. I'm ready to live and stand up to my bully addict and just pray for my grandkids. Let the chips fall where they may.
cat cat...I am with you 💯! My daughter is the same and I am so over it. I'll always love her but I can't do this anymore.
Yes. It does. It squeezes your heart until it’s barely pumping. This nightmare started in 2005. It’s 2022 😢
I've decided to leave, my child has all these stomach issues from the stress of the house. I may have to go into a shelter idk how I will do it. But I will get out pray for me y'all we need it.
I pray that things are better for you and your little one.
Praying for you 😢
Jason, thank you for sharing! I have an adult son who is a meth addict. I have experienced all the emotions, disappointment and hope that he will get help. He is homeless at this time which kills me but the roller coaster ride with him started affecting my health so I had to let him go. So now my volcano is filled with grief as well as disappointment , but I will not let go of the hope that God will deliver him!
Sending you our positive thoughts and prayers, Sabrina! 💓
Forget his name. It's all you can do
Ya the alcoholic doesn't ever want to hold themselves accountable for the pain they create.
Mine would not admit it to the therapist or me. He claims drinking is ‘part of his personality’.
I didn’t know drinking was a personality trait…
@@lorimcdevitt1506 mine told me "I drink, it's who I am"
@@aubraehersel7720sadly it’s true . :(
My ex-husband addict has already been gone for seven years now but this is reminding me a lot of what I’ve lived through and this is so extremely validating I just want to say thank you.
I'm so glad this was helpful for you!
The story you are telling is very similar to mine.My husband has a professional job and a problem with alcohol.Everything about my reactions to it were the same.Even the small periods of sobriety without a full commitment.This went on for years.
Unfortunately on top of everything else our town experienced the worst flood in the town's history earlier this year.Thousands were left homeless and nearly all of our stores were effected.Several schools including my daughter's were damaged and need to be rebuilt.Things are still difficult six months on.
In this period we took in two guys who were rescued from inside their roof.These friends of my husband became drinking buddies under my roof! It was so hard.I finally asked my husband to leave. It took months to find a rental because of the flood.We were together nearly 19 years.
I am seeing a counsellor with him and another on my own.I have told him I can't go back to living with him if he wants to drink.He blames me for the situation and I am not sure he'll ever accept help.
I have good and bad days but I am in a better calmer place than I was and am still working on myself through counselling.
I have only listened to the first 20 seconds and I feel like I was just seen and heard. It always feels like the attention is allllwwways on the addict and those of us surrounding the addict are suffering and invisible. And JUDGED if we step away to attempt our own recovery and peace finding. It's like addict's matter and the people surrounding them are meaningless, throwaway, worthless. The only person worth rescuing is the addict.
I agree. Family members are the most overlooked!
I TOTALLY understand! I grew up with an alcoholic. Too much trauma for a 7 year old. The family thought my mom was ao great, funny, etc.
I grew up a mess and the black sheep...like what's wrong with YOU?!!!
The Docter’s did not even tell my mum my sister was at the end and my sister was too ashamed to tell us cause mum gave her a hard time.
Hi Jason . I’m watching from the U.K. 🇬🇧and appreciate you sharing your present situation. I have said the exact same thing as you , that I wish I could do the hard work for my husband. I’m absolutely broken with it all. His cocaine/ alcohol addiction has ripped through our hearts . I pray things change for you all.
Living with someone who has an addiction is so hard isn't it and trying yo understand is like all we can do but we do deserve happiness in life everyone does and that shouldn't mean we have to just deal with it.
Yeah, according to my husband I'm the "unsafe" one for him!
I have decided to watch this video every day my husband is in rehab. Today it helped me be calm when talking to my husband about solving matters at home while he is gone. He is coming oit of detox and is feeling more stable. I kept it upbeat and encouraging and suggested he make the most of spending time with people who understand his perspective. Thanks for your videos Amber, they really help.
My second husband was an alcoholic. We were together off and on for 11 years. I quit drinking at age 20, or I would have probably been the same. We ended up divorced and he died at age 48 from his alcoholism. I grew up with an alcoholic mother but I don't really remember being conscious of it until I quit drinking myself. I remember growing up there was always a lot of drama in my house from both my parents, so I suppose that had a lot to do with it. I just couldn't handle being around it. My daughter is a heroin addict and I try to keep her out of my life because after 18 years of it, I realize for my own health, I have to let her be and be out of my life. When she is sober (just went into a year long treatment yesterday) I will try to have a relationship with her, but when you've done everything for your child and they constantly scream at you that you've never loved them, supported them, etc., you eventually quit. I still love her and pray for her, but can't be in her life as she is.
I rarely get the screaming anymore. I get the gas lightening. Now that Amber has helped me recognize when it’s happening, I’m confident and draw my boundary line nice and thickly. Using better skills definitely helps and it still doesn’t take away the heartbreak.
🫂🫶
Such an honor for you to be able to see what a difference your help can make in a persons life. You are a blessing.
Awww, thanks Linda 💓
Thank you Jason for being brave enough to share your story. I can see how much you love your wife and want to see her well. May God bless you and your family.
I have severe mental illness, but I have never been a substance addict. I've always used music whenever my PTSD comes back. It does similar things in the brain.
Ten years my family fights for the good of our alcohol addict member a oldest daugher. We wolked throught all the ways and strategies you share with no result. Clinics, comunes, psihiatres, personal therapevtics, family councel, calm comunication, silens, patiеn, love, tolerans, warnings, money restrictions, boundary keeping, pray...She is repetedly starting drink after maximun 6 mounths of soberity..She won. She transfomed our life in a evil hell. It's enaugh. I quit. We are in front of the hard choice to show her the street. Whish the other people here better results
My daughter is an alcoholic and substances user… she kicked the substance but still drinks heavenly for years.. my husband I went through a dark period while this was going on and to cope , my husband started drinking to numb it.. now he’s an alcoholic.. he’s trying to get better .. rehab and detox, and your video is so helpful. I left a few days ago,I felt it was so toxic for me.. we have been at this for ten years.. about three with my husband .. I miss him terrible .. We live in the same house as my daughter and they end up drinking together. I think he will figure out how to kick it.. my daughter.. is so far deep in denial, I pray she finds help. But we live together and it’s makes this very difficult for my husband .. I try and tell him we should leave to help him.. it’s toxic.. but I need him to make the decision… thank you for your videos .. they are my life line..
My pleasure, Mara! I'm so glad these are helping!
You’re amazing Amber! I’ve been listening /studying your videos and it’s been helping me deal with and better help my alcoholic husband. You’ve helped me understand him better and react to him better! Thank you ❤ I’m going to try to get him/us to start your program.
Amazing!
You described me exactly...
I am in constant turmoil. My 21 yr old daughter just relapsed after months of intensive residential therapy. I kicked her out 2 wks ago and she immediately ran to her mom and step dad's home...they are both addicts that introduced her to drugs 4 yrs ago. I literally feel as if my heart is being slowly ripped from my chest. I'm unable to sleep, eat, focus on work, or do anything. I feel like I'm walking zombie that is living in a dream world. I'm trying desperately to learn what to do for her and me. I've turned it over to God. I can't make my daughter's decisions for her. She won't even speak with me. She is getting everything she wants while living with drug addict mom...
So sorry you're going through this CT. It's so painful to see your child going down this path. ☹️🥺
@@PutTheShovelDown Thank you for your videos. I'm reading all I can on the CRAFT Method and how to implement it. Right now, I used the 'rock bottom' method...kicked her out and hope that she gets so uncomfortable that she seeks help. Unfortunately, I have little faith in that method because she's with her drug addict mom so she's not too uncomfortable. In fact, she's getting exactly what she wants there.
Amber's video on betrayal trauma helped me alot when I was going through those same emotions. A full on solid 3 day binge of educating myself is what it took for me to finally understand what it was I personally was dealing with. And I am a former drug addict! But it's been 24 years, long enough that when my adult daughters alcoholism affected me, I didn't know how to handle it. What do I have control over?
Prayers for you and your daughter. I hope things have gotten better.
@@hitslikeagirl1 Thank you. I wish they were but they're not. She relapsed (much worse this time) when she went and started visiting her mom again. Her mom is an addict/alcoholic. My daughter had an extreme mental break in January and has been in a facility ever since. I still believe God is in control and has wonderful plans for her...but it doesn't mean that I still don't have very dark days like I've been the last 2 days. I just try to focus on God. There's nothing else I can do other than pray.
My husband's mother died and now we live in separate houses, but nothing has changed with his substance abuse. Im still disappointed, still angry, still sad. Just working on myself trying to keep my distance. He's not ready to work on our relationship. I wish someone would talk to him.
:(
Thank you Jason, know that you are not alone. It's so difficult, especially with kids involved and at those ages. I'm sorry and I hope your story ends better than mine.
Thanks to your videos I am communicating more strategically with my husband. Alcohol has been a problem for 20+ years and he finally went to rehab yesterday after a bender that caused chaos. You know what I wanted to say, but I said the right things in the right way and 5 hours later he was reporting in. I am blunt with the counselor but still keeping it upbeat with my husband. (Kudos to American Addiction Centers for helping at every step so I could get this done.)
He needs to do the 90 day program but only agrees to 30 now. You give great advice, so please tell me how to talk to him about staying as long as possible.
Avoid that convo for now. Let him know your proud of his courage and willingness. Wait until he's feeling better to start that convo.
It's up to him. Does he want a sober life??
@@cynthiafortier2540 He said he is "tired of being a drunk" (his words). Not sure if this means sobriety or not but at least its a start. I'm hoping he agrees to use Sober Link as part of after care.
@@kylara1360 that's a good sign. I am 29 months sober.... It can be done. Only he can decide.
Al-Anon and Al-Ateen helped me tremendously in understanding my Mom. By the time alcoholics accept help they (I'm -- 49 years clean and sober) are only 15 years old emotionally. What if they're also narcissistic? There's a 30% increase in their numbers.... Thank you for your loving ❤️.
Thank you for your advice dear Amber. It helps me to see a different way to interact with my adult son who is struggling with a drug addiction.
You're so welcome, Diane!
Omg!! Hit the nail on the head!! With the hard to focus on anything! 🥺 I feel so bad in conversations with other family members because I'm constantly asking them.. what? Or saying I'm sorry I didn't hear you...
You provide helpful tips. I used your apology from another video. I made sure before I sent the apology via text, that I was sincere in my apology.
Your advice in this video about getting to the root of your concerns and worries are also true and empathetic.
Though this videos are geared mostly towards parents and supposes. As an adult child of an alcoholic I find a lot of these videos very helpful into understanding. I would love to see videos more toards being a child dealing with a parent. I have found it is tricky to deal with it as the child.
'Pride imposes unsolicited advice and opinions. Humility waits until it is asked.' Experience..
I have listened to your RUclips videos. They are so helpful and I'm on your email list as well. I have also recommended you to others. Thank you for being available.
Thank you so much for your support! You're helping me get the right information to so many families who need it. 🙏🏻
Dude - so sorry hearing your story. Been there. Am there. Sick of it. ❤️
Every time we have an argument, he uses. And ofcourse according to him its then my fault he used. He just told me today “When we are not okay I am going to use, youre the only thing I have found that helps.” Saying that us getting along well is the only way he will stay sober. I do lose my temper and I can be mean sometimes, thats true, but every time he relapses. I cant be responsible for this anymore. I get angry I get sad, im only human. I pay all the bills, he lives with me. I know im not supposed to punish him for relapsing but I cant stand this life anymore. I need him to go, how can I make him leave without it being my fault? I dont have anywhere else to go.
You may have to get okay with him blaming you. If you hold a boundary he's likely going to blame you, and that's okay. It's okay to look out for yourself too!
@@PutTheShovelDown I tried, I told him he had to go and that he could come back if he was maintaining his sobriety and could produce clean drug tests weekly. He left without much of a fuss but thats because he was already high. Then last night he calls me and says hes afraid for his life where he was staying. Hes the father of my children, I dont want him to be harmed. So i go get him and I have never seen him more out of it. I recorded the conversations he was having with himself. Full on conversations, he was responding to HIMSELF. I want to one day when hes in his right mind, show him how scary it really was. He was made to stay in our spare room and I had our girls lock their bedroom doors. Thank God I did, because he was walking around the house completely nude and delirious when I woke up to check on him. These are the kind of things I can’t take anymore. My girls will have MAJOR mental health challenges due to this insanity. I want him to survive this but am I costing my girls too much?
@@amberd8153how is everything now?
@@amberd8153 yes - it is costing them too much
I’m doing everything I can not to scream due to the level of revolted I am now that I’ve found your channel. 😳 it’s an interesting experience to be both revolted and deeply validated!!! 🤣
From his highchair, he cried, "Momma! Momma!" as he waved his bottle about.
You explained beautifully how the emotions can over power your life
I have a question: Is this type of therapy trauma informed? I currently have a very new albeit very scary angry drunk roommate that is triggering some somatic reactions in my body. I’m filled with fear knowing I have to move after only two weeks living with this unfortunate addict. He hid his addiction with charisma when I “ interviewed “ him for the room he is renting in his apartment. He is not family, but can I use these de-escalating techniques with this, let’s face it, complete stranger? ❤
I'm devastated i miss my sweet husband. He's not the man that I know and fell in love with. I'm 44 living with my 10 yr old on the floor in my friends house.
I feel you 😢it's the same for me, I miss the man I married 10 years ago. The past 4 years have been a nightmare of alcoholism. He's been out of the house 6 months and still weekend drinking. 🙏❤️
:( so sad. I pray things have gotten better for you both.
My marriage didn’t make it and it’s hard to get closure. I found your videos after we were separated but I think it was a little too late and I had too much to learn but I did watch hours of your stuff and applied everything I could and can at least rest knowing that my marriage didn’t end for a lack of trying. Sometimes I still wonder “what if.” What if all kinds of things. I’ve thought about reaching out to Kim to see if she could help me get closure and understand what happened and if there was even hope at any point for things to turn around.
Half way through listening to this I feel as if you are telling my life story!
It’s my hubby who’s the drinket
I tell him all the time how I feel! I've done it in grace, in anger,in tears yet nothing is enough for him to stop drinking. My mom was a alcoholic now I'm married to one. This is not my addiction! I keep myself stuck in this bullcrap! Its horrible! I hate him!
Reach out for help/support and start planning your exit. You need to take care of yourself. A friend of mine became extremely ill with an autoimmune illness due to the stress her alcoholic husband put on her. It’s not worth it. Save yourself.
File for divorce, if he’s abusive get a restraining order, that’s what I did. My kids are adults so I don’t have to deal with having younger kids.
My problem is.. he got sober for 2 months at the beginning of the pandemic when he was home.. and he said to me he realized how much better he felt and our relationship was so much better.. then when he relapsed he says now that our relationship didn’t improve at the time and it wasn’t better being sober.
I understand my husband has done a similar thing to me.The denial of the problem and it's effects is so difficult to live with!
He likely does know that things were better, but doesn't want to admit it to you since he is currently drinking/using.
They always blame the one who's closest don't they because they feel bad inside but blame us for the addiction. I really don't know how this can be fixed unless that person with addiction does actually change
I been watching your videos and I never see videos dealing with alcoholic wives? How do husbands deal with that? How do husbands help the children through it especially teenagers who recognize what's going on? Can you make a video from that perspective at times or even talk about it because sometimes it's kind of a different perspective and i just want to learn
Sending love and healing to Jason and all families in this scenario.
My question is how do we as the partner Reset from the overwhelming of the binge rollercoasters? How can the patterns be broken?
Sometimes you have to take an emotional break from the situation. It's okay to focus on yourself.
Can you please please do a segment about gambling and alcohol and their relationship?
When I tried to do this with my ex I ended up with a restraining order. Its not worth it. Addicts dont hear anything they dont want to hear. It just creates an even greater illusion in their mind that you are the enemy. Amber is right! You will only regret it.
thanks Jennifer
I have to suppress the volcanoes daily. So hard.
You get to a point where you are too hurt to be angry. :(
SOOO much in this video! So much that is difficult and saddening. I was the "alcoholic" years ago. Not a term I use any longer, except to have common ground and terms. So much of what is shared about spilling your guts here is right on point! The last 5 years I have spent focused on deconstructing what the "industry" and the "cults" propagate about "addiction." The reality is most providers, groups, and people try to treat one aspect of this struggle at a time. In addition, those with substance abuse issues are put on blast all the while their significant others have plenty of things they are giving a free pass on. I"m glad that this provider was so open, understanding, and honestly refreshingly helpful! For those with the SO that is struggling, if I could have only ONE recommendation, it would be this. Become a hope dealer. Become a researcher of new ideas, WITH them! So many people lose hope in the process and go right back to using again. Why? Because the brain becomes attached to that which makes us feel safe, whole, passionate, purposeful, and free! That simple! Most of us get into resentment when we are no longer the source that our loved ones draw from. Right now, I am the supporter for a spouse that is absolutely chronically attached to work, money, social media, and getting praise and kudos from others that don't really know her. All the while I am lonely, feel used, disregarded, no longer wanted, and like I don't matter. It is hard to not believe those things when that is your experience! Her "mistress" if you will is not a substance. Its the approval of others and having securing of money. All the way to the level of wrecking our marriage. I am the hope dealer. She has given up many times on us. I am the only one with hope some days. I am the glue now. I am the hope! And I keep looking for ways to circumnavigate the all that is thrown at me. It was much easier to turn to alcohol in former days. My coping skills have grown exponentially over the years, and now I lean on many positive, healthy ways to cope and stay focused. But now thing remains, it is never easy per see, but it gets easier to focus on finding answers rather than faults, and there are many. If you have not read Brain in Balance by Dr Fred Von Stieff it is a great piece from an Addictionologist that has treated the physical, chemical side of SUD for over 25k people. Getting healthy and having a plan or approach that works is a lot simpler if you approach it like building a table. That are very few 3 legged tables, most are 4 or more. Each leg represents a part of being a holistically healthy person. Body, mind, spirit, and place are my legs. A healthy mind and body come from a healthy lifestyle that includes eating well, excising, getting sleep, using supplements, watching hormones, and on and on. That's just one leg! When you give someone that struggles something to live INTO, rather than negatives, many if not most will buy in and pursue! And if there is return to old behaviors, or relapse as some call it, that his human and it happens! The 12 step cult has done so much damage propagating complete abstinence. That is not something to force on someone, it has to be their decision and choice. One that I believe is probably best, but not my call on whether someone does it or not. I am Certified Recovery and Addiction Coach and what I run into so often is that when people lose hope they run back to what felt like hope, even if its just for a "regroup" to figure out what the hell to do with themselves. It is a slippery slope, but it can be overcome! And everyone can help! Be a hope dealer! And when someone falls down, be a hope dealer! Look in the mirror, and be a hope dealer! Hope is the fuel for all things worthy! All things! Be blessed!
I completely agree with you, Chris. Helping people find hope is so much more effective than taring them down!
@@PutTheShovelDown Absolutely! In my struggle to get healthy again, I asked myself, "Why now? What is different about this season? Why have you never faced this before, you've been able to control it, what changed?" It was a deep, dark period of reflection and seeking to understand. I was perplexed on how I managed to "stay clean" until my late 30s...what the &^&% was it??? In my seeking, I found what I truly believe is the empowerment cycle. And it is not anything new! I had faced hard things before. I had never fallen down this far, in my mind at least. What I realized is that my "table" and all the legs had been flipped over! My purpose, passion, personality, and place were all gone, almost overnight! Because of a divorce. I had been in full-time, loving people and helping them find hope "ministry" for more than a decade. I left ministry and shortly after my marriage feel apart. It had been over 5 years of "trying to make it work." She asked me to leave, in front of my kids. When I did, she blamed me, and turned all of the "community" we had been a part of against me. I walked away from that version of "faith" and into the hardest, yet most freeing struggles of my life. What I realized in those years is that if I want to do something, I can! And there is a "formula" that works in helping me get there! I hope. I get educated. I get equipped. I implement. And over time I get empowered. A deep confidence of knowing, I am enough! I have what it takes! The key is going aerial, and getting third person! Looking into to my own life, like an outsider. What would I tell a friend? What tough things need to be said? Embraced? So powerful! None of it is easy. But it can be easier just implementing that approach. I now use an eCompass that I give to people struggling. And they can get aerial and look into their own lives! And make their own decisions. The process of leaning in and learning and understanding what works for others. Getting practical tools that can give someone leverage in recovering can help so much. And realizing we all have tons of things we didn't feel confident about at first when we implemented them. Why should this area be any different!??? Thanks for what you do! For those hurting and needing hope! Its awesome!!!
Best bit of information I've ever heard I have made all the mistakes that you point out trying to help in your videos you point out that addiction changes to person that's not addicted if you're 100% right in everything you say at least with me you become the bad person the trust just disappears never in a relationship did I not have trust until I got in a relationship with an addict and the gas lighting is incredible and I am told I am the crazy one because of everything you say in your videos I Have Become that person I am not I have made so many mistakes wish I found your videos earlier
I'm glad you found us. I think you'll find lots of good resources here! 💝
It’s sad that alcohol has such a hold on people. I’ve been basically begging my partner to stop because he becomes verbally abusive when he’s drunk. Then in the end I sought legal advice to take our kids back home to my family interstate, saved money that he doesn’t know about, got my ducks in a row basically. I reached the point of telling him I’ve sought legal advice and I have a good case if he wants to try fight me for the kids. I thought this would be a wake up call for him, but instead he told me to go and he wouldn’t fight me for the kids. Now it’s looking like I may have to follow through on this as it’s clear he doesn’t want change. I even asked him to do counselling but he won’t unless I book the appointment. I want him to be proactive. I’m sick of being his mummy.
This is so hard to go through on a daily basis… I have a functional alcoholic in my life for 25 years, with some on/off periods through out these years. Now is worst then ever… I am losing hope!
I'm sorry ALI SEL, I know this has taken a toll on you. Sending my thoughts and prayers. Amber
Same here.
I love the part at the end where you let folks chat with you oh please do that more often!
Thanks Trish, I enjoyed that as well. I'm definitely going to do that again.
all good if you haven’t progressed into PTSD - and the addict get right nasty!!funny the addict has no empathy for the spouse - yet expects empathy from the spouse
To feel fully human, we all need some sense of self-reliance and self-esteem. An inability to be free of addictive self-medication undermines the needed self-confidence to do so. The ensuing necessity to manipulate others is an act of compensation. A cyclic syndrome becomes the norm.
It's healthier for everyone if you to leave now. I will help you move forward but i won't help you destroy yourself. Would this be okay to say Amber???
These videos are amazing. I'm so grateful. Thank you.
Glad you like them! 😁😁
We, as humans are communal animals, we need each other. But, we are also born with a need for self-survival and self-preservation. Addictive substances are a currency within like communities. Too much other and too little self turns into an internal conflict that gets projected back into the community.
My AH is also 'functioning' like in the story.
My AH was making a lot of change talk, then after he got drunk he said he wanted junk food. I nor our 19 year old son would go out for him so he ordered UberEats then asked me if I was happy he wasn't ordering a bottle. I said 'yes' and congratulated him but quickly realized it was a trick question as he started raging, even throwing the books I gave him across the room, didn't get any better from there. How do I not step into a trap?
I got off alcohol and heavy drugs/cocaine over 10 years but cannabis is the hardest for me to quit people who say it’s not addictive your wrong
Notice why they made Nicotine, Cannabis, Alcohol legal cause it's addicting.
What is the very best thing I can do for a friend who is addicted. He wants to get clean so he can see his daughter but the longer he goes without being able to see her the more depressed he gets and uses it as an excuse to do more drugs . He was
Clean for a year when he was
In another state and went to rehab. Came back here and hooked up with old friends and the rest is history
This is above my pay grade and need some advice on how to help him.
He is a really good guy and father but needs to get clean.
It is really hard and sometimes impossible to get through an alcoholic. A lot of times it doesn’t matter what you say or how you say it they will still twist what you are saying and hear blame when there is none. They will hear that they are the villain even if you are using vulnerability, authenticity, “I” statements. It is their guilt, consciousness or God weighing on them. To me it’s just a lost cause tbh. Get clean is the only thing they need to hear and sometimes not even that just turn your back and refuse to engage while you taking all the focus away from them and putting it where it belongs with carrying it on with your life. Sad. But no one is going to stop until they are ready to do so. When the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of changing that’s when they will and even so some never do change
Mine hinted to the fact that he MIGHT have an issue with it in therapy and most recently in a conversation. He told me in separate conversations that he would have divorced himself years ago if he was me and admitted to using me over and over. However, most recently he doesn’t recall fully telling me this and says hes tired of being in a loveless marriage. Very confusing. Lol. The reality is Im the one that feels neglected and unloved.
@@lorimcdevitt1506:(
Thank you - I'm just trying to understand the thing. Still feel angry about their choices and don't really get why they choose to
I was told I’m abusive and trying to manipulate more than one alcoholic by trying to express my feelings.
Lol! I would have counted the full bottles, took a picture of them (for proof when he tries to deny it)
I would keep my cool, be totally normal, then say "ya know, Im so proud of you, Im proud that you're trying and I see such a great change! Ext)
People should do this though and mean it.
Then, keep an eye on those bottles.
When they started going empty. THATS when I would confront it, plus, hes going to feel MUCH worse because your spouse was so proud, you've let them down, and flat lied.
Thank you for your bravery Jason.
I have a hard time talking to my son. I am very sad about his drinking. I am a praying mom though
Praying with you.
His fear was meeting people, trusting and the hormones trigger panic in the brain. Alcohol is the only thing that alters the emotional pains. The trouble is that people have to drink more to get rid of the pains. It is serious for the CPTSD patient, as that emotional pain becomes worse that a physical pain.
Thanks. You lighten the load on my water wagon when it could be a long parade...
(smile)
😁
You are so good...Thank you for all your advice.
Happy to help!
I could only imagine what I put those people closest to me through from my addiction. I couldn’t imagine having to always walk on eggshells, if it is going to used as ammunition or fuel in the next round of abuse when the addiction kicked in…. We hurt so many people in our addiction.
You are just amazing! Thank you 🙏
You are so welcome, Daniela!
Well done Amber…and Jason
Geeee thanks jowosocal! 😊
What if you express your concerns in the healthy way, saying im scared to leave because I want to help you, and they are still in the denial phase and they react with anger? My husband rolls his eyes when I talk about how his drinking makes me feel. I tell him he becomes aggressive, which he rarely remembers, or refuses to admit to. I really want to get him help but just a simple, subtle, respectful suggestion from me completely sets him off.
Yes! This is exactly how my alcoholic mother reacts. She drinks everyday and immediately becomes stressful to be around. I tried for the 1000 time, how her drinking gives me anxiety and severe stressful memories. She immediately jumps into a defense mode and the alcohol starts fighting for its control over her. She acts as though I’m judging and unappreciative etc.. she hasn’t once been capable of admitting that she has caused a lot of damage. She can’t help anyone else heal, until she heals. I HATE this illness. Alcohol sucks
Oops! Too Late! Not my spouse though; Thank God!
one of the worst traits of addicts is their cunning and manipulation. They become the masters of sneakiness. Terrible human traits. My father is an alcoholic. He would steal from my wallet and hide it. Then when I would frantically search everywhere in the house for my wallet he would pretend to play the saviour by being the one to miraculously find it, His sneakiness was so obvious to the point of being pathetic. I cut him out of my life a few years ago.
Dam least u did the hard part of not enabling. When he quits, he will realise he lost all the ppl that actually cared. That's when you need to open up and slowly accept him back and not hold that resentment.
wow nailed it tyyyy
😃😃😃😃😃😃
Yes no one really wants to help. They just want to point their finger down at us! People like blaming someone and bring them down!
I don’t know what to do my husband disappeared for days and goes and gets high and I have no idea we’re he goes and he doesn’t even answer his phone. Now he is asking to come home and I don’t think I should, he took all his money and left and now broke and has no money. I am tired because he has mental issues and he is all over the place. Now he is crying and saying he will do anything but I don’t believe him.
Sounds like it might be a good time to leverage treatment of some sort?
I am leaving this man, I am jumping off the roller coaster !!!! I been with him for two years and I am done my 12 son does not need this.
@@phyllishernandez7266 take your son away from him if you don’t your son will be like him. I have this experience ❤️
@@live7256 I am my first husband past away in 2018 and I remarried and I should have paid more attention to this man. What is crazy after he is done doing what he does he begs to come home and say that he won’t do it again now when he disappeared it’s in New York I am in Florida so my son doesn’t see what he is doing but I know every time he goes to New York and says he is going to doctors because that is where he is from he meets up with all his drug addicts friends and it’s so sad because he is a good man but very broken from past trauma but doesn’t get help.
I’m going through a divorce because my husband after 42 years decided he wanted to try meth, he’s 62 years old, and is now he’s addicted, and what a nightmare. I have a restraining order because he’s out of his mind, very mean on some days, hallucinates, he now lives with his mom and he verbally abuses her. It’s insane, thank god my kids are adults. He refuses to work, he has no money, and rides a bicycle, he was a contractor, now his life is ruined.
Hello - I just wanted to acknowledge your post. 42 years is a long time. Also divorcing here. Mine was 27 years and it takes a long time to let go of that person that you spent so much time with.
My heart goes out to you. 🙏
I've heard it said around AA settings, that there is nothing more than an alcoholic dislikes, than a self-righteous non-alcoholic and there is nothing more than a non-alcoholic dislikes than a practicing alcoholic. I truly believe that. (I'm not talking about the codependent enabler here, that's another story). I think both non and alcoholics are sick, and that Al-Anon is good for some, as AA is good for some. Both can be resentful, accusatory, blaming, and condemning. Neither are helping anything but promoting the same behaviors, because the alcoholic will just get drunk at the non-alcoholic and feed the non-alcoholics self-righteousness. It becomes a vicious cycle to the point of perpetuation, and familiarity.
Help comes in the form of love and understanding but both are in too much denial to do that. Unless both get some kind of help. imo
This was so good. Thank you
Thank you Shera! For your sweet feedback 😁
Thank you, I like your style!❤
Thank you!
You're welcome!
Thank you, gotta close friend similar. I've been on both sides
It all stems mainly from Abuse that ends up as CPTSD in the addict. This is like a brain injury that you can never get rid of. The brain will suffer from fear due to lack of safety and abuse and the second brain, as it's called will fire wrong hormones to upset other organs. Like, cortisol and adrenaline. It rarely goes away and is triggered by most major injustice and abuse...
I'm at work so I haven't been able to watch this yet and will not be able to about 9:00 tonight. I'm a little concerned from the title that I might wind up wishing I had this video before I mailed a letter on Monday. My partner is going on 4 months in an inpatient treatment facility for a 12 month program. When do you get to express painful feelings?
I think it's good that he process ygzt while he is in a program. Many programs ask you to send “impact” letters.
@@PutTheShovelDown Amber, hi! Hoping you are well! I don’t understand though , help them process ygzt and an impact letter? Ty!
That’s the problem, you can’t. Every time I’ve tried to express my feelings to my alcoholic mother, it’s completely disregarded and misunderstood. Which only adds to her drinking because they always get mad during a moment of reflection. It’s a defense mechanism and that’s the alcohol taking control of the mind. It’s scary
We do things when our unconscious mind is damn good and ready.
how do u help a family member alcoholic get sober while you drink yourself occasionally?
You be there as friend. Such as someone they can vent to and trust and listens without judgement. That's the way you help. Others help in other ways. Your part is just as important as the others.
My husband has a heroin addiction cheated on me twice blames me for his use he left me for another woman he just met like 6 months ago . I tried so hard to help him but he thinks he can stop on his own hes been an addict for 13 years i dont get it he was fine telling me he loves me next day he left to be with her im still confused i filed for divorce. It hurts he easily replaced me 😢 i dont even know how he can just get into a relationship so fast and she was in a relationship too she left her boyfriend to be with my husband. Im lost
How about a letter expressing how their addiction has effected you and your relationship over the years? My sister snter has been an addict for decades and continues to deny
Knowing your sister, how do you think she'd respond to a letter like that?
@@PutTheShovelDown probably the same as our conversations....denial, acting like she's clueless, making me feel.likenyhe bad guy. Forget it
My daughter is. Meth user, is now on streets, can't get her to go for help. She during slowly
What do you do if your adult child is detoxing, is sick and can't get out of bed but refuses to go to rehab or get medical help?
I said some harsh things to her and I did give her the good things and said what you said to her we took a break for maybe four days and then she killed her self thinking that I had moved. What should I do?
Pray it’s not your fault. Everyone in life is responsible for themselves and their choices. I know it’s so hurtful but turn your sorrows to God. It’s a burden you don’t need to carry.
Co-Dependency: Powder Keg vs. Volcano
hello Amber and friends
Howdy Gwin! 🤠
So sorry I didn't see this video sooner then now
When I found my husbands dope, it was a 2 day battle that resulted in me getting my a$$ beat! I think it’s best just to keep my mouth shut to him and talk to my therapist.
If this is the same for lorazipam addiction?
11 months together
Things said never follow through
He said he loved me everyday
I bring up the inconsistent behaviours
After day before saying im only one for him
To 8 hous later after an argument i dont love you anymore
Im going to say anything to get rid of you so you never contact me ever again and forget everything iv ever said i never meant it.
I said do you mean that
I said i could never say that' to you
Then he said your the love of my life
Havent heaed from him in 5 days
So everry day love bombed to hated
Unbelievable
Absolutely hurtful
Been crying for days
My husband is like, if I'm getting it from a doctor what's the problem. If I'm paying the bills what's the problem. It doesn't effect you.
The problem sir is your finished in 2-5 days sometimes a week, you're work diminishes, your bosses notice, and then when you're out you contact random friends and see if they have a plug, or you contact your cousins for a plug, or you randomly find people online for a plug. You run through our funds, and then I gotta figure out how the bills get paid, and I'm about to walk out. I can't keep doing this.