My daughter started at 16 she’s now 22 -its really hard and we see her struggle. I’ve often wondered how she can come out of it. This video gives us hope 🙏🏼and hopefully it does for you too.
I stayed with him as long as I could because I knew he needed support, not judgement. But the cycles of bargaining & denial wore me down. You can't save a drowning man, while they are flailing around. It puts you both in danger of drowning. I got him help, I did what I had to do to stay safe and I'm STILL struggling to find financial stability. When we last texted it sounded like he was getting therapy but still wasn't willing to look at his addiction as part of the problems. Always the victim...
Too little too late!!! Not sure I agree!!! Gosh I feel if they’ve ruined your life too what else can you do but leave!! That also could shock them into reality and determination to get sober to recreate what they once had. ???????
@@rachelriojas720 That's an awesome achievement, truly, I've spent the best part of 15 years being half cut to numb myself from loss & the daily grind, but think that I'd still prefer to be with someone, than alone...
Thank you Amber for all you do. I’ve been quieting watching your channel for a couple of years, trying to make my life work with an addicted spouse. Your advice and insights have always been spot on and unbelievably helpful! Thank you!
Great point abiut older Addicts and Retirees Amber. This age group is often ignored or overlooked They can quickly become very isolated.. Especially if they have chronic, and/orpainful health problems. Or suffer from anxiety or depression or are coping with the grief and loss of a loved one on top of a drink problem. These people consider that they should.just enjoy themselves and drink as much ad they csn before they go. Alcolhol fills the gao and can orovide that enjoyment. Very sad but true 🙏🌻🌟 😅
Thank you Amber!! This is one of the most important and informative videos I’ve seen. I’m always seeking knowledge to learn how to inner act with my two adult children in SUD.
Excellent video, very valuable points.Another pointer could be if they are someone who began experimenting with drugs and alcohol in their late teens and continued the trend into adulthood. Possibly started out as a bit of recreational fun then it became a habit and finally turned into a form of escapism, self medicating, numbing emotions etc. If they havent been able to cultivate an identity or healthy hobbies outside of hanging out at the local bar. You know, that guy or gal who still jokes about being able to drink anyone under the table and has been steadily relying on the "barfly" persona. Family and friends may also drink excessively or struggle with addictions. If someone has been raised by adults who provided the notion that alcohol consumption was not only ok but encouraged and enabled... I believe these factors can make it difficult for people to recognize value in sobriety. For them it can seem too overwhelming to ditch their old preferred lifestyle, rediscover who they are, find new hobbies, establish connections with people who dont drink. Its a huge undertaking even for an individual who possesses the motivation, discipline and commitment. Assuming they have those qualities to begin with.... What are your thoughts on this Amber?
Those are some good points. Especially the one about identity being tied up with drinking. However, I do find many people in that situation do get sober, if they have some of those other qualities like: humility, self-reflection, etc..
@PutTheShovelDown Thank you for your response! Even if a person is in the situation described above, if you see or hear any signs of 'change talk' as you have coined the term. Then perhaps there is hope. It may take awhile for them to shed their old identity but its definitely possible. If however, you don't see or hear anything that would give you reason to believe the person has any real desire to turn it around... only empty promises when you threaten to leave or give an ultimatum... This person has a very long way to go. If you have already left and they temporarily cut down but still spending time at the bar and associating with other alcoholics... yep. They're still trying to bargain or manage it
God bless whatever powers that be. I wasn’t blessed with an easy life but I have been blessed with the ability to fix it. Thank whatever God there is, from the depths of my soul 🙏
My boyfriend is very self aware. He is vulnerable at times and talks about how he is hurt others. And than other times he acts like everyone is so dramatic
Oh boy, this was on point but depressing. My son ticks almost all the boxes that go against him. Whaaaaa no wonder he isn’t finding success in rehab. 😢
I work in a soup kitchen I see a lot of folks who have nothing left to lose. They have lost everything. 💔 Change is so hard for them. The alcohol and drugs is all they have.
My husband and I separated her now lives in his own apartment. We met with a pastor who told us he didn’t see a problem with my husband not having the freedom of going to his own place and having a beer or two. I told this pastor that my husband can’t just have 1 or 2 beers because he’s an alcoholic who was sober for 10 years and went back to doing 5-1/2 years ago and who’s behavior and actions have progressed to the point that he’s broken down my family structure as well as his own. This pastor empowered my husband’s drinking although he no longer lives with the wife who he claims was the best wife to him. We’ve been separated for a little over two months now. I did spend the night with him and we had dinner, but he drank two beers even though he knows how I feel about his drinking.
I think you are right, Amber. I wish I had known what I was up against a year ago, but I didn't even know my partner of almost a decade was using meth. Unfortunately, he was more than happy to move out when I found out because he is also a porn and sex addict as well as a gambler and he hadn't had much time for me outside of his addictions to spend on me for over a year and I was just getting in the way. I'm trying to stay in contact and positively reinforce any attempts at sobriety he makes but it's very slow going and it's very frustrating for me.
Found out my best friend was avoiding me during her spiral and she asked me to give her a job the other day. I tried so hard to offer a couple solutions that I could help her with but would require effort on her part...but I gave too much reality when I was firm about not giving her work because it makes no sense financially to drive 2 hours for 10 hours of manual labor when you can get work in the city you live in if you can handle the 14 hours that working with me would take...so hard not to say yes
@@ashleigh9659 Never been work shy, spent a good 30yrs keeping others going, but I broke down eventually, I saw it coming, I gave up on the fight, etc, why bother, no one cares, wots the point...???🤔 All that was good has long since been & gone...!!!😐 But ya gotta try to keep going huh...?!! 10hrs labour is a good days work, but time, travel & expenses on top to do it, could be a push over time... Best wishes & I hope that U can help Ur friend...🙂🙏...
@Kev.B.4311 she lives over an hour from where I live...I live 30-40 mins from where I work and I would end up near 90 hours in 5 days if I picked up the work for the money she's gonna want and then can't do it
What about smart phone addiction. People are addicted to there smart phone 24/7 and would think this causes isolation which would lead to drugs and substance abuse. People don't even talk anymore like they used to, so depression rates go through the roof. Many even call the smart phone a dopamine device.
My 30 year old stepson just got out of 30 day rehab and is going into sober living, one of the many problems we have is we are still financially supporting him as we've been doing since he was in college. We have no retirement or savings because of this. What do we do when he relapses and can no longer remain in sober living? He only went to start in order to stay out of jail .
@PutTheShovelDown Hi Amber - In the case of the friend I recently had to give up on, I think the fact that she's single, beautiful, soon to retire from a successful career, owns a million dollar home, several high-end cars, three dogs she can love on that don't talk, and pretty much has more money than she responsibly knows what to do with, I think all of these materialistic objects and wealth empowers her to feel invincible and untouchable, and she has all of these other great things to point to her success that serve to help fill the void of not having close friendships or relationships unless it's someone who's also a functional alcoholic or willing to give her a pass and never critique her excessive drinking every evening or ever bring it up.
Ummm Hi Amber , well , In my experience, there were 2 issues A the addiction B the substance My main issue ,, due I think to my partners “binge “ this really pressed the addiction home ,, which left me fighting the substance , because, when this substance,, alcohol 🍷,in large quantities ,was in their system, communication became difficult/lost . It’s very frustrating. The window of opportunity to talk ,, 🗣️, while I had to go to work and do my standby ,, was so so small , and even then they acted like an addict who needed their next fix . This need of the next fix becoming intense .
22:34 my husband admitted to relapsing back to his cocaine addiction after a 5yr sober streak I’m so confused as why and how! I feel like I’m in mourning. I immediately asked him to leave. Now it’s like he disappeared he turned his phone off, his family is not responding to me to where he is, he changed his facebook profile to separated it’s like he never cared
Hi there, going through a similar thing. My partner was about 8 years clean from crystal meth and he relapsed last year and the drug convinced him that I was the devil. I wasn't even fully aware that it could be the drug (I had suspicions but wasn't sure) so I kept complaining that he kept disappearing over night because I thought I was talking to someone reasonable... When I found prove I asked him to move out the same day. I think addicted people in active addiction have a very narrow worldview and can only see themselves, so they can get mad at you for throwing them out but can't see what made you do it
I'm watching the ad as I type this. It hasn't started yet. My ex hb had literally been doing massive amounts of fentanyl and meth every single day for the past 2+ years. I don't even recognize him these days. I'm ok bc I've accepted that he's gone. Curious what this video is about to say.
Supplementary, I don’t know , but the power of the HIGH ,, is more pronounced in some people,, she was living in a woman’s nightmare ,, but to her ,, as AC/DC put it “””Hell ain’t a bad place to be “””,,,, as long as the next bottle was lined up ,, the strength of the high overriding,, the heat of the flames 🔥.
Question? I need advice from someone about this problem. My alcoholic son has relapsed again and left rehab. He hasn't filed his taxes and i feel like i need to help with that BUT I also know I need to let the consequences happen, but with the IRS? What would you all do?
My boyfriend is on pain pills. He was active 10yrs ago, recovered for 7, and been active again for 3yrs. He keeps telling me he is done and wants to get his life together. I'm sooo over it and at this time I'm just focusing on myself. For the past year he sleeps every weekend (detox) goes to work Monday and stays sober until Wed. Than high again Thursday and Friday. And starts over. He did it 10yrs ago without therapy etc. But he isn't doing anything different and he acts like he knows what to do since he did it before and any of my suggestions aren't good because I'm not an addict. I don't know what's going through his head, I'm so confused...
What if they still have everything? What is the motivator to quit? Functional alcoholic for 20 years- has tried to quit on their own a handful of times- not willing to get any outside help
If they've tried to quit on their own then they do have motivation to quit. That means motivation probably isn't the problem. Likely it's a lack of understanding about how to stay sober and/or pride that's keeping them stuck.
What if their alcohol addiction has caused severe chronic illnesses? Their physical health is seriously not good. But they are still in denial and do not care because alcohol is their life. They wouldn't even be able to walk into your office because they are so sick.
Sucks when addiction starts at 15... clawed my way to functional and watch ur channel in hope that one day ill get there.
You're definitely going to get there!
Me too : (
Stay Strong!
My daughter started at 16 she’s now 22 -its really hard and we see her struggle. I’ve often wondered how she can come out of it. This video gives us hope 🙏🏼and hopefully it does for you too.
I stayed with him as long as I could because I knew he needed support, not judgement. But the cycles of bargaining & denial wore me down. You can't save a drowning man, while they are flailing around. It puts you both in danger of drowning.
I got him help, I did what I had to do to stay safe and I'm STILL struggling to find financial stability. When we last texted it sounded like he was getting therapy but still wasn't willing to look at his addiction as part of the problems. Always the victim...
Same.
So sorry, Katie. It's a kicker of a disease isn't it
Do it someone else's way because your best thinking landed you in addiction. Learned that in treatment.
So very true.
💯💯💯💯
Amber you are an Angel. Thank you so much for what you do and helping us. I just realized I have a lot of strengths to get better. ❤
Wonderful!
I love that I just found out one person who lost his father became sober only for himself🎉and now he has another child I am so happy
Too little too late!!! Not sure I agree!!! Gosh I feel if they’ve ruined your life too what else can you do but leave!! That also could shock them into reality and determination to get sober to recreate what they once had. ???????
So many good points and advice on here. I found as the enabler I had to really change myself and my way of thinking. ❤
If knowledge of the self is helpful, then being a introvert is a blessing in beating addiction.
Agree. I am in AA but I think it is more about being honest with ourselves. Alcohol is hurtful. Period.
You make a good point!
I don't agree that being or becoming an introvert is a blessing, but I do agree that honesty is essential & that Alcohol destroys...😐
I’m an introvert always have been. I have 15 years sober this year.
@@rachelriojas720 That's an awesome achievement, truly, I've spent the best part of 15 years being half cut to numb myself from loss & the daily grind, but think that I'd still prefer to be with someone, than alone...
Thank you Amber for all you do. I’ve been quieting watching your channel for a couple of years, trying to make my life work with an addicted spouse. Your advice and insights have always been spot on and unbelievably helpful! Thank you!
You are so welcome, Debbie. Thank you for the kind words of support 💖
Great point abiut older Addicts and Retirees Amber. This age group is often ignored or overlooked They can quickly become very isolated..
Especially if they have chronic, and/orpainful health problems. Or suffer from anxiety or depression or are coping with the grief and loss of a loved one on top of a drink problem.
These people consider that they should.just enjoy themselves and drink as much ad they csn before they go. Alcolhol fills the gao and can orovide that enjoyment.
Very sad but true
🙏🌻🌟
😅
I feel so much more hopeful, after watching this. Thank you.
I'm so glad!😀😀😀
Thank you Amber!! This is one of the most important and informative videos I’ve seen. I’m always seeking knowledge to learn how to inner act with my two adult children in SUD.
That's great. I'm so glad this one was helpful 😀
Recovery is never out of reach! Great message! We would love to come on your podcast, if you would have us 😊
Excellent video, very valuable points.Another pointer could be if they are someone who began experimenting with drugs and alcohol in their late teens and continued the trend into adulthood. Possibly started out as a bit of recreational fun then it became a habit and finally turned into a form of escapism, self medicating, numbing emotions etc. If they havent been able to cultivate an identity or healthy hobbies outside of hanging out at the local bar. You know, that guy or gal who still jokes about being able to drink anyone under the table and has been steadily relying on the "barfly" persona. Family and friends may also drink excessively or struggle with addictions. If someone has been raised by adults who provided the notion that alcohol consumption was not only ok but encouraged and enabled...
I believe these factors can make it difficult for people to recognize value in sobriety. For them it can seem too overwhelming to ditch their old preferred lifestyle, rediscover who they are, find new hobbies, establish connections with people who dont drink. Its a huge undertaking even for an individual who possesses the motivation, discipline and commitment. Assuming they have those qualities to begin with....
What are your thoughts on this Amber?
Those are some good points. Especially the one about identity being tied up with drinking. However, I do find many people in that situation do get sober, if they have some of those other qualities like: humility, self-reflection, etc..
@PutTheShovelDown Thank you for your response! Even if a person is in the situation described above, if you see or hear any signs of 'change talk' as you have coined the term. Then perhaps there is hope. It may take awhile for them to shed their old identity but its definitely possible. If however, you don't see or hear anything that would give you reason to believe the person has any real desire to turn it around... only empty promises when you threaten to leave or give an ultimatum... This person has a very long way to go. If you have already left and they temporarily cut down but still spending time at the bar and associating with other alcoholics... yep. They're still trying to bargain or manage it
I've gotta watch this again, thank you...
God bless whatever powers that be. I wasn’t blessed with an easy life but I have been blessed with the ability to fix it. Thank whatever God there is, from the depths of my soul 🙏
My boyfriend is very self aware. He is vulnerable at times and talks about how he is hurt others. And than other times he acts like everyone is so dramatic
That sounds very typical of someone that has an addiction.
Congratulations, 🥂 500k subscribers
Wow! Thank you so much 🤩❤️
Oh boy, this was on point but depressing. My son ticks almost all the boxes that go against him. Whaaaaa no wonder he isn’t finding success in rehab. 😢
“It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you in trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.” (Mark Twain-I think I got it right)
💯💯💯
I work in a soup kitchen I see a lot of folks who have nothing left to lose. They have lost everything. 💔 Change is so hard for them. The alcohol and drugs is all they have.
😓
My husband and I separated her now lives in his own apartment. We met with a pastor who told us he didn’t see a problem with my husband not having the freedom of going to his own place and having a beer or two. I told this pastor that my husband can’t just have 1 or 2 beers because he’s an alcoholic who was sober for 10 years and went back to doing 5-1/2 years ago and who’s behavior and actions have progressed to the point that he’s broken down my family structure as well as his own. This pastor empowered my husband’s drinking although he no longer lives with the wife who he claims was the best wife to him. We’ve been separated for a little over two months now. I did spend the night with him and we had dinner, but he drank two beers even though he knows how I feel about his drinking.
The pastor of the church didn’t see a problem with a married man having his own apartment?!
You should be speaking to a marriage counselor or attorney not a pastor who has his own agenda.
I think you are right, Amber. I wish I had known what I was up against a year ago, but I didn't even know my partner of almost a decade was using meth. Unfortunately, he was more than happy to move out when I found out because he is also a porn and sex addict as well as a gambler and he hadn't had much time for me outside of his addictions to spend on me for over a year and I was just getting in the way. I'm trying to stay in contact and positively reinforce any attempts at sobriety he makes but it's very slow going and it's very frustrating for me.
Found out my best friend was avoiding me during her spiral and she asked me to give her a job the other day. I tried so hard to offer a couple solutions that I could help her with but would require effort on her part...but I gave too much reality when I was firm about not giving her work because it makes no sense financially to drive 2 hours for 10 hours of manual labor when you can get work in the city you live in if you can handle the 14 hours that working with me would take...so hard not to say yes
I reckon/know that would burn most people out eventually...
@@Kev.B.4311 the work or the babysitting?
@@ashleigh9659 Never been work shy, spent a good 30yrs keeping others going, but I broke down eventually, I saw it coming, I gave up on the fight, etc, why bother, no one cares, wots the point...???🤔 All that was good has long since been & gone...!!!😐 But ya gotta try to keep going huh...?!! 10hrs labour is a good days work, but time, travel & expenses on top to do it, could be a push over time... Best wishes & I hope that U can help Ur friend...🙂🙏...
@Kev.B.4311 she lives over an hour from where I live...I live 30-40 mins from where I work and I would end up near 90 hours in 5 days if I picked up the work for the money she's gonna want and then can't do it
What about smart phone addiction. People are addicted to there smart phone 24/7 and would think this causes isolation which would lead to drugs and substance abuse. People don't even talk anymore like they used to, so depression rates go through the roof. Many even call the smart phone a dopamine device.
Fantastic knowledge thank you ❤
You are so welcome. So glad it was helpful
My 30 year old stepson just got out of 30 day rehab and is going into sober living, one of the many problems we have is we are still financially supporting him as we've been doing since he was in college.
We have no retirement or savings because of this.
What do we do when he relapses and can no longer remain in sober living? He only went to start in order to stay out of jail .
At some point, you'll have to let stand on his own two feet financially. You can still be kind and loving without paying for everything.
@PutTheShovelDown Hi Amber - In the case of the friend I recently had to give up on, I think the fact that she's single, beautiful, soon to retire from a successful career, owns a million dollar home, several high-end cars, three dogs she can love on that don't talk, and pretty much has more money than she responsibly knows what to do with, I think all of these materialistic objects and wealth empowers her to feel invincible and untouchable, and she has all of these other great things to point to her success that serve to help fill the void of not having close friendships or relationships unless it's someone who's also a functional alcoholic or willing to give her a pass and never critique her excessive drinking every evening or ever bring it up.
Ummm Hi Amber , well , In my experience, there were 2 issues A the addiction
B the substance
My main issue ,, due I think to my partners “binge “ this really pressed the addiction home ,, which left me fighting the substance , because, when this substance,, alcohol 🍷,in large quantities ,was in their system, communication became difficult/lost . It’s very frustrating. The window of opportunity to talk ,, 🗣️, while I had to go to work and do my standby ,, was so so small , and even then they acted like an addict who needed their next fix . This need of the next fix becoming intense .
I wanted to have an intervention, asked 5 siblings if they would join me and none were willing 😮
22:34 my husband admitted to relapsing back to his cocaine addiction after a 5yr sober streak I’m so confused as why and how! I feel like I’m in mourning. I immediately asked him to leave. Now it’s like he disappeared he turned his phone off, his family is not responding to me to where he is, he changed his facebook profile to separated it’s like he never cared
Hi there, going through a similar thing. My partner was about 8 years clean from crystal meth and he relapsed last year and the drug convinced him that I was the devil. I wasn't even fully aware that it could be the drug (I had suspicions but wasn't sure) so I kept complaining that he kept disappearing over night because I thought I was talking to someone reasonable... When I found prove I asked him to move out the same day. I think addicted people in active addiction have a very narrow worldview and can only see themselves, so they can get mad at you for throwing them out but can't see what made you do it
Hello. Thank you for all you do. How do feel about the Sinclair Method?
I'm watching the ad as I type this. It hasn't started yet. My ex hb had literally been doing massive amounts of fentanyl and meth every single day for the past 2+ years. I don't even recognize him these days. I'm ok bc I've accepted that he's gone. Curious what this video is about to say.
Supplementary, I don’t know , but the power of the HIGH ,, is more pronounced in some people,, she was living in a woman’s nightmare ,, but to her ,, as AC/DC put it “””Hell ain’t a bad place to be “””,,,, as long as the next bottle was lined up ,, the strength of the high overriding,, the heat of the flames 🔥.
Question? I need advice from someone about this problem. My alcoholic son has relapsed again and left rehab. He hasn't filed his taxes and i feel like i need to help with that BUT I also know I need to let the consequences happen, but with the IRS? What would you all do?
My boyfriend is on pain pills. He was active 10yrs ago, recovered for 7, and been active again for 3yrs. He keeps telling me he is done and wants to get his life together. I'm sooo over it and at this time I'm just focusing on myself. For the past year he sleeps every weekend (detox) goes to work Monday and stays sober until Wed. Than high again Thursday and Friday. And starts over. He did it 10yrs ago without therapy etc. But he isn't doing anything different and he acts like he knows what to do since he did it before and any of my suggestions aren't good because I'm not an addict. I don't know what's going through his head, I'm so confused...
Where is the stages of addiction vid pls
My son was diagnosed with ADHD late in his addiction. Is ADHD a myth?
Take a look at this video David. It speaks to that exact issue, and I think it might be helpful. ruclips.net/user/livewSP6p_3Ag8k?feature=share
Amber, where is the section where you know you have to give up on them?
I'm too upset to try to find it
Just block their number and walk away
What if they still have everything? What is the motivator to quit? Functional alcoholic for 20 years- has tried to quit on their own a handful of times- not willing to get any outside help
If they've tried to quit on their own then they do have motivation to quit. That means motivation probably isn't the problem. Likely it's a lack of understanding about how to stay sober and/or pride that's keeping them stuck.
You are right. That is exactly it! Thank you:) how do I help them with a plan to help stay sober?
Amber Hollingsworth, is bipolar a personality disorder?
Bipolar depression is a mood disorder
Hi Karen. Bipolar is a Mood Disorder. There is a personality disorder called Borderline Personality Disorder.
Hi do you have a program or do you talk to people personally I’m really struggling 😢
Hi Vicky, we do offer recovery coaching. Here's a link to learn more: www.familyrecoveryacademy.online/
What if their alcohol addiction has caused severe chronic illnesses? Their physical health is seriously not good. But they are still in denial and do not care because alcohol is their life. They wouldn't even be able to walk into your office because they are so sick.
Mine has a defibulator implant from alcohol heart I had to divorce him because he wouldn't go to rehab
😓