Narcissistic Parents: Really Odd Things They BLAME You For
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- Опубликовано: 10 июл 2024
- In this video, I delve into odd things narcissistic parents blame you for unjustly. This blame was never yours to carry!
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DISCLAIMER: This video is not intended to serve as a substitute for professional counseling. Be sure to consult a professional to help you integrate and utilize these concepts.
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🦋🌿 Thank you for sharing what you learn with everyone
I totally understand what you're saying.So children are not responsible for anything question mark when are children responsible for their actions question mark
People who can't keep their pants on love to blame their kids for being born. I'm from the last blatant generation of declared accidental babies. We put it right back on our parents by telling them how NO CHILD CHOSE TO BE BORN. Kids don't owe their parents for being fed and clothed. That line of BS is played out.
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Unfortunately my parents were LDS - who believe that family members choose their family before they are born - so this religious "principal" was always thrown back at us as "you made a choice to be in this family". If we argued with that, it was a whole new wave of anger because then we weren't being righteous and faithful to God. So that was fun.
@@dm-dk5lm And THEY chose us as well. "I am 100% responsible for my *50%* in any relationship".
@@Kayenne54 I get what you're saying, and I agree, but logic doesn't work with insanity. What they view as their responsibility as parents has a lot of nonsensical religiosity layers.
@@dm-dk5lm Oh I agree. But interestingly, sometimes just saying one whole sentence, that is the entire truth, will sit there with them until an opening occurs in their mindset. And at least you get a chance to say your piece. What THEY do with it, is none of your business, and any attempt to control their thinking is an attempt to CONTROL, which you will want no part of. That's my take on it. My mother was dissing me (to my daughter and her husband) for not "caring for or about my (adult) brother" (because I'd had to sell my house and he had to move out); and my son-in-law looked askance at her and said "But isn't he YOUR son?" Son in law had summed up the lie she'd put on me since I was 4 and she'd brought home a tiny infant. (And I had an older sister living with us at the time). The lies children take on. We can escape them. But sometimes just one word or one sentence, delivered unemotionally, can unlock that door. When the Truth is spoken, even the irrational cannot reply.
As the child of a narcissist: the best way to piss them off is to completely ignore them.
Ignore who? 😎👌
@@matthewishunting You. Goodbye. 😎
Yeah, that's any narcissist in my experience
… and succeed (even though they WILL take credit- but do it anyway.
I’m sorry to say I thoroughly enjoy this part of it all
Every child deserves parents, not every parent deserves children. Some parents end up in sketchy retirement homes, to be forgotten until the funeral.
My mother was chopping vegetables in the kitchen . I walked in the kitchen not saying a word. My mom by accident cut her finger with the knife. "Look what you made me do !" swearing and cursing me out. As if my mere presence was so bad that I had powers to make people cut themselves. Delusional accusations always in the context of me being bad and a burden . Ugh.
Mine told me I was making her itch all over, from a phone call, lol!!!
I will reply to this with: oh I didn't know I have the power of suggestion.
Omigosh. Sounds just like something my mother would have said…
Mine was cracking an egg when I walked into the kitchen and said ‘good morning’ (She would have been furious if I hadn’t said it). She turned in my direction, dropped the egg on the floor and screamed “look what you’ve made me do now, you stupid bitch”. I was 7.
i know this too :(
I'm 58 and still responsible for everything that's wrong with my dysfunctional family..i provide a buffer so instead of turning on each other they can bond over their mutual hatred of me.
I can relate. I'm 49.
Me too, I'm 73
I would let them turn on each other...
Me three… and im 56. Just, just, JUST now for the first time challenging this kind of “but it’s always been this way” kind of thinking.
You're obviously happy with this situation
My Mom and Dad blamed me for having to get married because of my Moms pregnancy. I was always blamed as a baby to this day. Now I am 61 and see I am not the problem.
That’s exactly the situation with my mother. It was made worse by the ensuing abuse at the hands of my biological father. All of it was my fault by virtue of being conceived.
You definitely didn't get your mum pregnant with you 😅😂
Me too, except that my mother got pregnant deliberately to trick my father into marriage! She then blamed me for actually being born, inconveniencing her (she didn’t want children) and causing family shame 😂😂 I was 19 when she told me and about to leave for university. She told me that my father didn’t know about her deception and it was to stay that way! I can laugh now but it deeply shocked and hurt me for very many years. 💔❤️🩹
I had my first full blown panic attack in my parents' living room during a visit with them. Nobody, including me, knew what was going on so they took me to the emergency room because we all thought I was dying. When the doctor diagnosed a panic attack, my dad got mad at me because he felt insulted that I felt like that around them.
Your body knows the truth. ❤
When my narc father broke something in the kitchen accidentally he was swearing, screaming and yelling on me "look what i did", i was 4,5 years old. I was crying and wondering what i did. It was classic abuse and blaming, lasted till i was 17, i was triggered and in fear every time when he drop something. He caused me so much trauma. Going no contact with him finally!
When I was 5, I was playing with my trucks in the garage. Suddenly one of the garage door springs, on the opposite side of the garage from me, broke. The two halves of the spring were flailing around. Garage door springs suddenly fail like this from time to time. Well, I went inside and told my mom. She immediately flew into a rage and beat the sh*t out of me. I guess the shock of there suddenly being damage and monetary costs was too much for her to handle. She needed someone to blame for her inability to deal with her emotions.
One night a huge vanity mirror in one of the bathrooms in my dad's house fell off of the wall and broke. Although it was obvious that the mirror was improperly mounted -- like glued to the wall paper that was on the wall instead of directly to sheet rock -- my dad blamed me for what happened. Why? Because I was at that time the family scapegoat.
That’s crazy and so sad. I would get angry just for being blamed for the house being a mess when my abusive mom is literally literally a hoarder. I can’t imagine going through some of these stories. I would have turned extremely violent, I think. If even the small stuff pissed me off. I don’t think I could have handled stuff like that, just pure unjust absurdity that can’t even be masked with confusion or something.
@@arcturianoracle784 It is madness. As being full of rage due to longterm abuse and trauma, i can tell you honestly it's so hard not to become violent, every day is on the edge, also it's hard work on how to live with it and how to have good self control.
I was blamed for choosing my own difficult-to-say name, because I apparently chose it with a pendulum before birth.
😂 it's not your fault. they were holding the pendulum wrong.
What ????
That’s crazy 😜
BRUH 😂😂😂😂😂😂
W H A T !!! That's insane!!!
Looking back, here is one you have to laugh at: As a 7-year-old, I was entering a store with my mother and an old lady was walking out. My mom tells me to hold the door open for the old lady. I said I didn't have to because it was an automatic door.
Then she said I was lazy.
A lot of 7 year olds might not even have the strength to hold a store door open, either. Depends on the door but I struggle with some of them and I’m an adult!
i got too many stories of my parents calling me lazy, it literally ruined my life.
@@brainrottedindividuali believe it, sorry you went through it.
My mother beat me regularly as a small child, under age 4. She hit me with her hands, drew blood with her nails, and hit me with objects. She doesn't deny any of it. When I finally asked he about it when I was around 50 she said I was the worst kid in the world and that she had no other choice. I told her I was the child and she was the parent and what she did was child abuse. I have always been very smart and overly mature for my age. So she used that and said I was just as culpable as she was. It was just so ludicrous for her to make me responsible for her beating me as a small child. I've never looked at her the same again. It opened my eyes to the long string of things she did because she hated me. I now see she was jealous of me and an immature narcist. If it were not for my grandparents I'm sure she would have killed me at some point. No contact is really a blessing because there isn't anything good coming from being in contact with her.
Im sorry you went through this. Mine tried killing me by ramming into walls repeatedly at 4 years old. Denies it to this day.
@@blessed7927 Denial is hard.
@@smartasafox3714bingo! You found the core of this despicable narc mothers:envy. I am the scapegoat and as far as I can see they hate us because they feel threaded of our talents, they have none, narcs mothers has always been just little brats that never grew up, sadly we endured the consequences of their immaturity. My mother is a malignant narcissist, and I know she envy me, and since childhood has always boycotting me to never develop my full potential. I am still in recovery. Wish you healing!
Once I confronted my father for my parents abusive behaviour he wanted me to deal with his emotions for him. They never stop shocking me with their oddness.
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My favorite line you have help me think
I was blamed for my younger brother’s bad behavior. Parents: “if you would act right, your brother wouldn’t be the way that he is, your the older sister and what you do is a bad example”. I got pissed ran to the bathroom locked the door, climbed through the window and ran away from home. I wish I would have know what I know today because I would have never gone back.
I always had the other side of that equation. “You aren’t being treated any differently than your (older) brothers - why can’t you deal with it?”
Or, “Your brothers never got to do (or have) this or that - where do YOU come off asking for it?”
Never a discussion what my parents’ reasoning might have been (which might have been legit) - just essentially, “Because I said so, and if I’m getting worked up into a rage now, it’s because you’re asking for such stupid things.”
And then of course, I just walked away wondering how I could be so dense for asking for whatever it was and pissing them off.
My brother was the golden child. He would get in trouble, but during the verbal stages of punishment my brother would do something goofy and they would laugh, with me they scared me so much they just kept laying into me. Though my brother is a jerk nowadays he was a pretty smart kid growing up or they just loved him more. I don’t know 🤷♀️
3:35 OMG! When I put myself into alcohol treatment, my parents swooped in to take control of my life, and he told me, as if at age 26, trying to take responsibility for my life and health that this meant I was washed up. He told me I should just settle (marry anyone who would have a worthless thing like me, "proved" by where I put myself, and also, he capped it off by informing me that he wished I had never been born.
I did my best for all of them, and all they ever did was deny me support when I asked for and needed it, so they could enjoy condemning me in my lone suffering. Nobody needs manipulative people telling you that you're the one playing games.
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As a scapegoat I can tell you our parents hate us because we are talented ones, they feel envy and are afraid we become someone better than they are, so since childhood they boycotting is, that way we never develop our full potential. I .in recovery of narcs parents and siblings, thanks God I've been realizing each piece of the puzzle. Keep strong, and if I may suggest you, focus in your spiritual development. Doesn't matter the religion, the narc abuse drill not just our psyche , but our soul. I wish you healing and recovery.
Recently realized that sibling and parents expect me to stay in my scapegoat lane. NNNOOOOOOOO!!!! I carried this for decades:” it’s my fault that my family fell apart”. NNOOO!!! I, was a girl and had nothing to do with how my parents got along…or didn’t. Now I know of the extreme dysfunction of both parents and I’m living for me.
Believe it!! Great WORK❤ YOU will be feeling Fabulous REALLY SOON!
PS- also, Believe this Truth: They will never change. I spent alot more time than strictly necessary, testing this out a million different ways, not being able to wrap my head fully around that sad but true reality..😂
No contact to save your sanity❤️
Yes! Youngest of 4, parents are long dead. When my husband died my family of origin swooped in. When I regained my footing I realized they expected me to resume my role as family scapegoat! I’ve noted out. This life is too short & I will do everything within my power to live it right until I join my awesome husband! No going back to that! I wish them healing from afar!
My father disowned me for marrying the "enemy". He told me I was no longer part of the family. My father was a WWII vetern and my husband is German. So I honoured his wish, and cut off ties for a long time. Later my mother established contact through the embassy, only so she and my sister could blame me for "killing" my dad.
Sad. I believe you.
Got a chuckle - you just can’t win!
I asked my mom why she was still married, if she was so unhappy. Pretty quickly after ward she was amidst the divorce. Then once it set in that she regretted it, it was my fault she got divorced. Then I was blamed for my young brother(who my mother abandoned) being with dad and not her. I always knew she was stupid to say these things. Hearing this validates my instincts. My gut knew and I started to disconnect with her around that time. She comes around now and again and is so delusional and I just ignore her. Thank you.
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They are never happy, the grass is always greener....
I got blamed for mother being a diabetic (gestational diabetes, turned into diabetes) and a heart attack. After my father & brother passed away, she was going to pull my out of school so I could be her punching bag. My aunte talked her out of it. When I came home at 18, I lasted 6 months, moved out, got married left the country and never looked back. I had to save myself from further damage. She mentally/physically beat me down so badly, I was fearful of evrrything and anyone. Then I got older and watch out!
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🥰..heal and stay resilient like you do so well.
By the time I was in junior high, I was a sweet, shy, goodie two shoes who ended up on the Dean's list in high school. I was not any kind of bad kid, despite whomever said I was.
Thank you for series of videos, Mr. Wise! The children of these narcissistic parents will eventually grow up, and becoming adults with a hole in their hearts and souls. Damaged adults and need a lot of therapy. And I’m one of them. The self healing journey is much brighter with your help in it. Thank you so much for your service, dear kind sir!
I think one of the strongest (perceived) downsides by a person who self blames is confusing that self blame with accountability. When you grow up in a dysfunctional family that uses guilt trips and emotional blackmail a lot, you get a distorted view of what accountability actually is
thank you for saying that!
In high school, my mom blamed me for causing my dad’s Parkinson’s disease. Everyone in the family, to this day, thinks I’m the devil.
I am so sorry. I wish you the best. Take care of you.
That is so nutty and unjust. I hope you have found some kinder saner people than your family of origin, since then.❤
Have u left that family?
That’s awful. 😞. I wish I could take that pain away.
No one ever believed that I was bullied by my mom. She went to church and was outgoing with everyone else. My older siblings were out of the house since I was 8 and failed to see that there were any problems. So, I pushed through my discomfort and moved far away after high school…but that didn’t solve my problems. Anxiety and self doubt followed me. My closest adult female friendships have been with toxic people who have reinforced the idea that I was deeply flawed. After 15 years away, I moved back to my hometown to help with my dad just before his passing. Moving back opened up all my old wounds. My mom got remarried 3 years after my dad passed and began smearing my name with the family once again. At the same time I walked away from a covert narcissist ‘friend’. Only after all of that and a year of deep introspection and self-education can I see everything clearly. I’m now working on living my best life with strong boundaries.
Heck yeah! In the 1970's, I ran away from home when I was 15. During that time, my parents separated, and when I returned home 3 months later, my mom blamed me for the separation. I just laughed because by that time I knew we were living with crazy.
Yes, my parents were unprepared for our eventual attempts at individuation, and we got labeled for it.
I like to remind myself that I learned to blame and talk down to myself so well, I am capable of learning other things well, too, including speaking well of myself to myself.
My favorite jab out of the clear blue, "You know what you did in your diapers! I will never forgive you for that!" Good 1 ... or maybe I should say #2 lmao
Roughly 20 years ago, my mother told me about giving birth to me, and she was still mad that she had to miss a hospital lunch because I was being born. I thought she was joking. Pro tip: don't laugh at a narcissist with a grudge.
My father is coming by my work now. He wouldn’t speak to me barely for years but now I have cut contact with my family he is being sent by my mother. I’m 48. Today on Easter I’m working away, it’s busy and I’m helping a client and he comes up to me at work and demands to know why his printer is not printing double sided and why my old number isn’t working. No how are you, have you been…nothing. I used to help him with his phone, printer all of that but I stopped about a year ago. I wished him a happy Easter and he did not reply and left. I’m blamed for his printer not working… I was stunned. I don’t know if this is his memory going or just a Hoover. But he wasn’t friendly, you could feel his anger.
The word "selfish" is a mild trigger for me now because I remember when my (unemployed bum, as in he chose not to contribute to the household) stepdad yelled at me and called me selfish because I didn't want to get a job right when I turned 14 (the minimum legal working age in my state).
It hurt very much and still does, but sometimes the projection is so obvious it's hilarious.
When they get proven wrong there's always a person or group of persons who 'caused' their stupidity. But when you take a closer look....... uh oh.
The call's coming from inside the house ! Yeah.
Oh I can’t wait to say that line 😂😂😂
My mother once blamed me for getting hiccups…can you imagine! This was decades before any internet help was available. Like many viewers of this channel is AWESOME!
I also got in trouble for having the hiccups.. as if I had the power to stop them on command.
Because of blaming myself, I ended marrying and staying with a Covert Narcissist. He blamed me for any illness that he ever got. I stressed him out so badly that he got sick because of me. Crazy making!! I am working on getting out now!🎉
When I stopped sending thanks to my narcissistic family's birthday greetings I was blamed for being ungrateful, even though we all know perfectly well that receiving one breadcrumb per year of fake affection with expectations attached is more of a nuisance than anything else.
Everything is set up to ensnare and solidify the scapegoat role. They all advocate for me to repair the relationship with mom even though she would continually sabotage any connection. Even after so much acceptance I find it mind-blowing how callous they are, the whole damn family...
I remember when my mother told me she would have been able to save her marriage if I hadn’t been born. She devalued me because I am female. Any excuse she could fabricate would do.
My mum told me when I was 15, there's only room for one female in this house and it isn't you. My brothers were her angels and my son she brain washed against me, also my granddaughter was turned against me. I believe she will pay for her hatred for me, someday.
Wow you are incredible Jerry! You just described my life, growing up. My parents fought all the time. It's a horrible way to grow up.
I'm in my 60's now but memories of what they did flash in my memory.
I ran away from home and stayed over with friends. Sometimes my parents would kick me out and call it tough love. They told me I always talked back! Imagine that one! It was a popular saying and I cringe when I hear someone say it, even today.
I used to wish I had a peaceful home like my friends. My parents would go looking for me or send my aunt, whom I hardly had a relationship with. The punishment was severe. I eventually just ended up leaving home at 16. My sister still reminded me how I ran away, when I was trying to discuss the past and just decided to go no contact with her.
It's amazing that even after the parents pass on, those memories remain.
Been blamed for literally everything. Is it a wonder if I grew up with very low self-esteem and no sense of self? It takes a life to undo the damage although I've been working on it basically since I was a teenager. Therapy can help, but we really need not to identify with the victim's role anymore. So difficult when you were and are indeed the subject of abuse, even unconsciously because sometimes the perpetrators are scarred themselves and have no idea of what they are doing. It's a vicious cycle which outsiders can hardly understand. They just say it's done, move on. As if we didn't know ourselves
Try this hilarious gem, "you're an investment that went wrong"
Its kinda funny, for real.
Narcissists often stretch it out pretty thinly to somehow blame it on the designated family scapegoat.
Imagine the following: You're 6 years old and haven't even learned all the traffic rules for riding your little bike. Your mom puts you in the car and takes you to the nearest city to buy clothes. On the way back out of the city you get into rush hour traffic and spend some time waiting at various traffic lights. Your mom is not paying attention, misinterprets some action of the car in front of you and rolls right into its rear bumper.
Who's to blame? Not the adult behind the wheel, obviously. The police may think that, but for your narcissistic mom it's a blessing, that she has her scapegoat child in the backseat and can aggressively scold you for not paying attention to the traffic and not warning her that she was running into the other car.
It's completely irrational.
Your parents like to leave the backdoor open in summer, often until late at night. They leave the backyard to pick up a (landline) phone call and give directions to an overnight visitor, who can't find your house in the dark. Who is blamed for someone sneaking in through the wide open, unguarded backdoor and stealing money from the purse hanging in the wardrobe? Not your siblings who were sitting in front of the TV, sleeping or doing homework in their rooms. It's you, doing homework on the second floor behind a closed door, and you didn't even know the adults had come inside.
Your baby sister, who is known for scratching bread out from the centre of a loaf (making "mouse holes", because she loves the soft inside of the bread) does exactly that. You're at an age where you already know not to play with food like that. Who gets blamed, until hours later your sister admits that it was her?
Mom turns up the music so much when she cleans, that you can hear it at the end of the block through closed windows. Of course dad thinks that's 7 y.o. you, although it's not even your preferred style of music and mom would kill you, if you dared to turn it up to that volume.
It's always the family scapegoat's fault, even if the narcissists have to ignore facts and bend over backwards to put it on them.
If I stopped blaming myself, I’d have to accept that my mom really is mean, dysfunctional, and sick. In a twisted way, I think if it’s my fault then she might change.
My mother never changed. When she died of cancer at 75 yrs old, she wasn't speaking to me.
I tend to have the same mindset about everything bad that anyone does to me. It comes from what I can control; I can't control their actions especially after they've already done them, but I can control myself. So, if it's my fault, that's easier for me to deal with because I know I can change. But then I also know that even if I did change, they'd find something else to be cruel to me about. And they will do that because they are THEM. I'm not like them.
It is not your fault and she won't change They are the devil Just run !!!!
My mother blamed me for deciding whether or not she had an abortion. She asked me when I was 6 years old if I wanted siblings. I said no. Guess that meant it was my fault I dont have twin siblings.
My mother had a huge crush on her sister's husband n she openly n shamelessly flirted with sister's husband, which triggered my Father and he vented out all that Anger and Frustations on me as kid n blamed me for her actions
My mother's sister had a huge crush on my father, which the adults joked about... but it was so incredibly uncomfortable for me! I could tell it wasn't really funny to the adults, they just covered it up. My parents ended up divorcing in 1980 and my father exited from my life at that time. Mom died a couple years ago, and I got a card from that same aunt, whom I hadn't seen in 25 years. She didn't say one word about being sorry her sister had died... but she asked if I'd heard from my father, and if so, to say hi to him for her!! I have never been more insulted.
My narcissistic mother declared that "You have always rejected ME!" She truly believed that I had always mistreated her, beginning when I was first born. The rest of my family, dad and 2 brothers, found it easy to play the blame game too.
"How dare you try to separate from your mother like a healthy child...I'll show YOU!". I heard that too! When I finally enforced "no more snarky devaluation comments",the loss of supply so flummoxed dear old ma. She told me "you've resented me since age 4,I'm just counter-resenting!". Explained everything. Good luck👍
For years my "mother" blamed me for not realizing her "dream" of having a second child. For years she repeated the story that once she asked for my permission to give me a sibling and 4-YEAR-OLD ME said "No."
And that's the reason she could never the "perfect family of her dreams", according to her...
My father took "you are the problem" so far that he "traded up" ~the entire family. "Wife and kids please, and make the kids blonde this time?" Unfortunately the "upgrade" didn't seem to prevent a heart attack...(not sure what *that* was about...)...anyhoo... #HaveANiceDay 👏
I actually watched my sister turn into the female that gave birth to me.....I feel sorry for her
Thanks, Jerry. You explain all our childhood trauma, and open the can of worms we grew up in. And we realise it was not our fault.❤
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Inner peace is attainable even by former scapegoats. It is possible to thoughtfully remove the insidious influence of dysfunctional family.
Shout out to Dr Wise and Team Healthy on this day, ♡.
Inner peace is biggest wealth.
@@FreedomAboveAll4 Inner peace can become inner bliss.
I'm responsible for my parents' sh*try marriage because my mom was pregnant with me when they got married, according to my covert narcissist mother.
I feel somehow safe when I blame myself and uncomfortable when I don't, like if I was leaving my comfort zone. I feel something inside me is always checking if I'm on the right track, being a "good daughter" applying in my life all my parents taught me because this gives me a sense of self, like having a compass, I know who I am and where to go but I don't like this identity they gave me, I should find a new one and I won't find it in my comfort zone.
Sometimes when we blame ourselves we are reminded of the moment of peace we had from the narcissist, because they narcissist had you right where they wanted you, in a state of self-loathing. It takes time, but healing helps you through this negative association. In my case, enough healing has happened that I look back at my past "programming" and I find it so intolerable that I'm pretty sure I'll never go back to it. Hang in there.
"Your father left because of you" was a direct quote from my mother when I was 12. I had been a fairly perfect daughter up until then, straight As, following her numerous and excruciating religious rules, babysitting (saved my sister the GC from a fire when I was 10), doing the family laundry in a coin laundry in the building, etc. Even then I knew it was a lie, but I also knew that my mother hated my guts. It wasn't long before I decided that being the perfect child was highly over-rated and I started down a different path. Thanks so much for the validation.
It was my fault the plates in the sink broke. I don't remember which parent broke them or how, but it was the result of the fight. But because I had yet to wash the dishes and put them away, they were still in the sink when the plates participated in the fight.
When I was growing up my NPD mother & alcoholic (possibly NPD) father loved blaming me for things that are nothing to do with me.
When I was 10, my mother put me a private school I absolutely hated. It was a version of hell. I didn’t want to go & even my alcoholic father said I shouldn’t go. But my mother persisted. We ended up losing the house & everyone blamed me.
Here’s the kicker: there were 5 adults in the house that were working, (plus my father was refusing to pay the mortgage.) We bounced from house to house & all my siblings blamed me for the loss of the house. It was a source of great shame for me.
I’m 51 now & I’m only now realising that it was nothing to do with me… It’s really insidious how these narratives can wreck your psyche… I’m learning & healing. Better late than never. Thanx Jerry
Spring of 1984, my grandmother told me that i was going to cause my parents' divorce if i didn't mend my ways and i'd have the blood of their marriage on my hands. August 5, 1985, he left, and i knew it was my fault because i had been told it would be, but i was so selfish that i ignored the warning. It took me until i was almost 40 to realize that their marriage had been on life support for many years and that the divorce wasn't my fault, but by then, so much damage and self-destruction had occurred that couldn't be undone.
My aunt told me my mom said to her that I was messing up her marraige with my dad by taking up too much of his time. I had started talking more with my dad as an adult but had no idea this was a problem, and was even more confused why she didn't just let me know that directly.
Maybe talking more with your dad is not a problem, maybe your dad enjoys talking with you more. In my past experiences with my parents, my mother got incredibly jealous if I wanted to spend time with my dad because she was not invited to our "father-son" event like going out to eat. She invited herself to come along and changed the restaurant we went to, enjoying the fact she ruined our father-son plans. If my dad and I managed to go without her, she started gossip in the family of how abusive he was. My past experiences are not yours, but maybe they are something to consider. Be well.
I swear i must be in facet if getting repetitive strain injury in my neck from all the nodding in agreement and recognition from EVERYTHING that you say, Jerry 😂😂👍🏼🙏🏻
The most important question, why are narcissists narcissists. What it the genetic condition because it does run in families. A lack of an autonomic empathic response, you recognize emotions in others by feeling them and then controlling that emotion. A continuous evolutionary social learning tool, feeling the emotions of others when they express them, bringing the individuals of a social species together. The narcissist lacks that evolutionary genetic tool, that social learning tool and is thus disconnected from the emotions of others even when it causes those emotions, all genetic.
As such that the only means to deal with them is ignoring their demands and behavior and working around them, from the earliest age, they failed to learn about and react to the emotions of others and why they are so emotionally manipulative.
"It's because you're so horrible that i have to scream at you!"
As a child my mother blamed me because she dropped her hat on the way to pick me up late from school. It was something from 2 weeks earlier that had distracted her. She then made me look in the school playground for the hat for over 2 hours, although she knew and stayed she had dropped it earlier, on the way there. It was winter and freezing cold. I then realized she was insane.
Dad literally told me when 10, "if we get a divorce its your fault"
He tried this again when I was 54. It still didn't work, and he needs more material. This technique is stale.
Another downside; if I'll stop blaming and shaming myself and be positive toward myself, it will trigger in some the impuls to blame and shame me. And I might be caught offguard and feel hurt, overwhelmed and powerless when that happens.
I hear that! It's like if I can stay one step ahead of them, and be hard on myself before they are, then it doesn't hurt as much. In reality, though, it's just me adopting my mother's voice so that she doesn't have to waste her effort.
If you start to feel positive towards yourself it threatens their control so they attack you to keep you 'in your place'.
@@truthmerchant1 bingo.
Wow, i can check every box here. Including im to blame casue i have no right to be married my responsibility is taking care of her. Mother, but the cake was, blamed for my mom selling her house and all her favorite stuff, having toove, cause i had a stroke. So she hates where she lives and its my fault, like i wanted cerebral hemorrhage an stroke.
Probably the stress she caused you caused the stroke.
My mother blamed me for why we had to leave my violent alcoholic father.
I am (still, in my sibling's views) "the reason", "the cause", ... And I felt sooo powerful! 😁 (and always wondered why I was such a mess internally)
Amazingly, this type of blaming is something i was able to escape for the most part, as a kid -- the one i do recall is that my college education was so pricey that retirement from NJ down to (a much cheaper) SC was part of how it was paid. 😕I've discounted that and let it go, since really, property taxes in NJ are enough to make ANYONE leave!! 😅
1. The family problems/you are blamed for weakness faults and reason for the abuse that happens to us/problem child creates the stress which perpetuates the entitlement for the abuse/children acting out to bring attention and thus help to the family unit but are blamed for acting out and help is rejected and redirected towards the symptom (acting out) rather than the unhealthy core family dynamic
2:50 #2 they blame you for their marriage problems. We don't get along because of you kids. Kids internalize this because they don't have an adult worldview to interpret that
#3 they blame you for being born. They claim I had to get married because I got pregnant with you and I had to get into this bad marriage.
4:14 #4 they blame you for someone else's behavior. Your dad drinks because your grades are bad and it stresses him out. Dad's angry because you're a bad kid. Destructive blaming. Kids are responsible for parents bad behavior.
#6 causing medical problems. Blaming unfairly. Mom drinks because you stress her out.
5:31 #7 they blame you for their bad feelings, insecurities and failures. You made me feel hurt so I went out and got drunk or yelled at you. The kid is to blame. If they fail it's because the kid did something that distracted them and made them fail. We internalize it, and we blame ourselves. A mistake happens and we blames ourselves because they blamed me and I learned to blame me also. Affects our self fairness about blame.
We don't apply love, compassion or empathy but we apply blame.
If I stop blaming myself parent may attack me more. Others may try to assign blame more because they don't want it, they want you to keep carrying that weight for everyone else.
I was told "you're the reason we moved to Spain"
I was blamed for similar. Amazing there's more than one of us.
Me too, back to Portugal, because we had to move before I turned 18 or I would not go with them (that was the accusation).
What I found out happens often is, when young you need solid guidance, and when narc parents fail to try to take the time, you end up feeling like a failure, and instead get on the recieving end of their judgment and blame. And it goes on, because you learn that when you do things that youre not supposed to do, then at least, they give you some attention, even if it is not the right kind.
It is easy to feel constantly overlooked when growing up with parents that place all their importance on themselves.
My mother blamed me for all her medical problems, so when I was 14 years old her painful gallbladder stones. It was awful and she went to the hospital for surgery and had to stay there afterwards because she waited to long with the surgery... and there are so many more crazy stories to tell...
As an adult, my Mom complained to me "You didn't make me happy." I told her "It's not by job to make you happy." She said "You were an albatros around my neck", because she got pregnant by a married man. She even said when my biological father abandoned me, "Did you do or say something to make him leave?"
6:59 Looks to me my entire family, and their posse WANTED me to KEEP that internalized blame they didn't realize I might see was misappropriated, after I got into any therapy at all, when they refused to work on their part. I told them I thought it was ALL of us, NOT JUST ME, but they had always enjoyed treating me that way, to the point of using others to validate them, after as a child, I would act out.
My mother : You do nothing with your talents......After being exhausted of surviving and not knowing who I am after all the pleasing and doing the sports she wanted me to do....
Hi Jerry, thanks for your videos. I think you have a wonderful way of looking at these topics. My narcissistic parents would always tell me that I was THE problem. One specific odd thing I was blamed for (for many years) was the theft of my Mum's car. From free parking on an abandoned lot, not paid-for parking behind a barrier. It was "my fault" because my Mum (adult) had consulted me (child) on how to lock her spare (car!!!) keys in the glove box before we left the car. It's ludicrous, right? My alcoholic dad raged at me about this for years. Years!
Not acting out, just neglected and wanted sweets. I learned my lesson because my friend got caught, so I didn't do it anymore. I was afraid. It's ok if they make mistakes. They must have been scared of something not involving me, but maybe they couldn't blame anyone else for thier short comings. Whatever.
I heard this one:
Mother to daughter: "you killed your two sisters just so you could be the only girl in the family".
Daughter to mother:" But my elder sisters died before I was even born".
Seriously? So unfeeling for your daughter?
That doesn't even make sense! Sorry you were subjected to that craziness.
My mother told me less than 6 months ago how I ruined her life. This was at least the second time that she has said this to me. She told me this, also, months or maybe a year after my father died (he died 3 years ago last August).
My mom has blamed me for everything from her marriage problems, to dropping things on the floor when talking to her, she has shamed me and blamed me for not helping with dad’s business. She holds deep resentment that worsens over time. She ridicules my voice and accuses me of things that aren’t true. She enjoys provoking me, prodding me, doing whatever she can to get a rise out of me if I don’t join her in her bitterness and anger towards others. She privately berates and shames me. It is awful. I’ve really had to step back and not see her much. Moving to another galaxy wouldn’t be far enough away
61 year old daughter if narc mom and sister.... mom even told me I was an unwanted accident. Bullied me as a team relentlessly. Thanks mom.... for teaching me what not to do. I love my daughters and try to make their lives better not worse. Mom was on pages of uppers and downers. We paid dearly. Dad was too busy with his girlfriends. His sexlife was much more important than us. Lessons in what not to do for sure.
I.was.blamed for my very existence, trapped them both in an unhappy marriage.
Being blamed for my Father's (the enabler) death in 2021 by my Mother - telling my siblings and my adult Son this, of course.
Thank you Jerry for this channel, I just recently discovered it and recognized myself in everything you say!
My dad was drinking. He was also raised with a lot of injustice in his own family and he never understood that he is doing even worse to his own family. He put all of his hopes and proud in my older brother, who was supposed to be an athlete and graduate a college, my brother snapped under all the pressure of training basketball and going to the hardest high school, so he quit the training and switched to an easy high school, he found a crowd to go out drinking and having fun. Dad was so disappointed as he wanted to brag around with his son. I was never mentioned in dads stories to other people.
I was 4 years younger, and a daughter. For some reason they thought they will have another son, and prepared the name and all the blue bedding and blankets. Then I was born. My dad loved me but treated me as a pet. When he would get drunk, ever since I was able to understand words, he was saying the worst things to me, how he will stop love me if I do this and that. I was 4 years old and my mom's sister put a nail polish on me, at a family gathering. He started yelling to take that off, that I look like a whore, and that my aunt is a whore and only whores wear such things. That was just the beginning. I was blamed for my brothers smoking when I was 13, but once dad found out, he gave him money for the cigarettes, but he tortured me for not telling him. My brother made his girlfriend pregnant, at the age of 23.... guess what.. my dad blamed me for not telling him who my brother is dating, as he could do something about it. I couldn't keep friends, I could never be just a happy and young person.
My childhood and youth are just full of fear, shame and more fear, I was yelled at on a daily basis in the evening when dad was drunk and everyone would go away, mom would go to sleep and brother was never at home. My brother was beating me as dad told him he has the right to discipline me, trying to have a connection with my brother who did nothing but avoid him for years.
So I was heavily beaten since I was 12 until I was 25 and moved away.
Somehow I pulled out of it, I had a successful life in my jobs and education, as I found the escape in studying. But then, after only 5 years of my life after college when I moved out and was sort of good, my dad gets diagnosed with liver disease and dies within a year. I was with him until the last moment, I could see regrets in his eyes and behavior, once he stopped drinking he was so proud of me. So it broke my heart over and over again.
As for me, it took me 48 years of life to finally sort of become a functional person. When I came to the USA and was offered therapy. All of my life I felt not worthy, no matter how much I achieved, and I never had a happy relationship as I always thought I should be with someone who has the same dis functional family, as I was ashamed what would happen when my boyfriend or his family sees my dad as he would always get drunk on any occasion. I was aware of everything but I could not help it.
I'm working as a caregiver, and I was a nanny for the small kids for 10 years. Dealing with them would remind me on each milestone how I was in that age, I kept reliving it, but also, I made those babies and kids have best time with me, feel safe, laugh and never to know such miserable feelings as I had back when I was nothing but happy to be alive and couldn't wait to just live!
If I only knew I would have to wait for decades, and that only moving away from my city, my country and my life, would make me heal.
❤ Thank you so much for sharing your story. I'm just at the beginning of this self differentiation process at 54. I worry I'll never make it through or that it's over already, but your story gives me hope. I may still have time yet, but the road to recovery is very long and slow. ❤
@@kitcat9214 🥰 It's never too late! It is still your life and it's worth living!!! We still have decades to live and we don't want to waste it. I left my country at the age of 39, I was a nanny and completely not socializing for so many years, but watching other kids grow up with love, laughs and support, helped me realize what I was missing and what made me feel so unworthy. We were not blessed with the best parents I guess, but please don't let that take the rest of the joy and life you have in front of you!!! I have so many shitty days, but it always comes to that I am still in the better place now. Also, I feel like there is always some balance and maybe people like us who were not happy and achieved in our youth maybe we are just one of those people who are going to have their best in their 50ties :-)
P.S. In my real life I do have a bachelors degree and so many achievements as a fashion designer back home and so on, but I was so unhappy and tangled so I left and started from scratch. But this time I let no one tell me what to do. I loved to learn something new and working with the healthy families taking care of the babies and kids, literally opening my eyes in so many ways.
@@Mzd455 Thank you! What a wonderful and courageous story you have! So very encouraging! ❤️👏👏
PS: If you see this response from me twice, ignore that blooper from me. I posted my response to you and then, when I went to look to see if it has been posted, it disappeared. Maybe RUclips ate it! 😆 So, here's my second try. 😊
@@kitcat9214 I got it, thank you!! 🥰
@@Mzd455 🥰
I’m always blamed for stuff but the most hurtful one is constantly being repeated. I was born very sick with a condition that required serious childhood surgeries. I was told it was my fault they had such severe money problems because they had to pay for my meds and because I was so often sick and being rushed to hospital she couldn’t work and had to stay home preventing much needed funds. When she did go back to work I was blamed for her quitting because I called her once after school because my younger brother took off and I didn’t know what to do (I was 10). I was blamed also for my brothers divorce. Just a small sampling of everything that has been “my fault”.
I can relate to all of this..
All the blame led me to have magical thinking about being able to influence things far beyond my control. Its like they were training me to be as delusional as they are. Scary stuff. I'm often surprised I escaped with even a sliver of my sanity intact.
My mother came to help me after an emergency surgery once. She was diagnosed not long afterwards with high blood pressure. She blamed me for her high blood pressure.
heres my mom since as long as i remember: "how can i be happy when i have a son who behaves like you" lol
I am 59 years old and only know have I finally come to realize that when my mom would call a "family meeting" it was because she was not being praised enough by the family, so she would go into a rage and then she would storm out of the house. I was less then 10 years old. I could never figure out what I did wrong. I have finally figured that my mom was and still is a narcissist and she will never get better. All that she has ever wanted me to be is an ignorant little boy that she can easily manipulate and control. I finally decided that I will call her on her birthday and Christmas, but I no longer want to visit her. Of course in her warped mind she will never understand why.
My parents used to say they got back together for us (me and siblings), complete and utter trash as once we were all over 18 the focus moved to their life together. They're just mentally unwell and I won't even give them the time to blame shift these days.
You know my family!!!! My mother blamed me for her divorce from my father. She was obsessed with her hostility toward me. She kicked me out of the house for rolling down a car window. I went to live with a friends family in high school and my mother warned my friends mother that I would destroy their family just like I destroyed hers! When I moved in with the other family and they saw that there was nothing wrong with me they were pretty disgusted by my mother. Then many decades later my mother was having trouble in her second marriage. She actually texted me saying” please don’t destroy our family!” Unbelievable.
I got blamed because of my mother's weight gain during her pregnancy with me. Apparently I caused all bad eating habits, lack of exercise etc. I gave my Dad his medication as he was dying, so that's what hasten his death. Not the cancer. I have broken the family up by going non contact with an aunt and cousin. My mother did first, but it's my fault for her responses all these years. Go figure? I was also responsible for all her behavior over the years, I was a bitch so it was all my fault according to my father.
Yes.. self internalized blame feels automatic because it's a subconscious programme.. we dont even realise we have a choice or an opportunity to be fair.. because we are highly emotional and not rational
They blame children for doing nothing wrong to them ,they blame for the looks of children or other such things for which children are not personally responsible
I remind my adult siblings when it comes up that I was eight my dad was thirty and they don’t see the behavior of the adult as the issue- they treat me as if I was an adult and he was the kid
Sickening how families and adults will shift focus and dump all the problems or dysfunction on kids or children. There are countless excuses reasons and justifications why these cowards are so bold in their actions..there were times I felt so misunderstood/ unloved I’d take out physical anger on myself. Banging my head on a wall or slapping myself. At various times (more often than not) (especially as a teenager) it was super overwhelming having to deal with ‘being the problem or always having a problem’. Then there goes the making bad decisions-hanging with the wrong crowd- searching for some type of acceptance and escape from what my reality was back then… as I reach my 40s I reflect and see it was soo much deeper than me being the fuck up or the black sheep.. just sooo much wow. I am sooo grateful to have stumbled across this channel. It further validates my experience within my dysfunctional family. It also helps my healing process. This is heavy stuff and takes MUCH work (strength) to break away from all the negative programming and conditioning to truly live a more healthy and fulfilling life❤❤❤❤
My mother was recently upset with me and suddenly I received a string of texts from my father telling me I should be grateful they took care of me as a baby, and how no one in my family liked me.
omg this is indeed my family. oh lord jesus. this is too much to deal with, and that is why i call my parents out on the crap that is indeed crazy
After some family yelling, I left and shut myself in my room. Then came a knock on the door. My father apologized; it had nothing to do woth me, he said. I had not asked to be born. From ten years old I knew when the lease was up. I regret not keeping conscious of this somehow when I really needed it.
And my dad would stomp to my room and scream we don’t close the doors in this house and I would get hit with the belt
@@susanjohnson8290Is it normal for a parent to not want their child to close their bedroom door because it gives the impression of being isolated, a hermit, wanting to stay away from everyone?
@@Dj.D25Narcissistic parents don't respect boundaries. That's why they won't allow their children to have privacy in their own rooms. The room and all the child's things belong to the parent and the child themselves are considered property, so the narcissist considers themselves entitled to constant access to them.
I've been blamed for literally everything... from petty to serious, it was ALL my fault
01:02 🚸 Family problems often get blamed on the child, even though the parents are the ones responsible.
02:39 🏡 Blaming kids for marital issues is common among narcissistic parents, causing confusion and self-doubt in children.
03:37 💔 Narcissistic parents blame children for forcing them into unwanted marriages or other life choices.
04:48 🍷 Parents often blame children for their own bad behaviors, such as addiction and anger issues.
05:59 ⚕ Children are blamed for causing medical problems in narcissistic parents, adding to their burden of guilt.
06:18 😔 Children internalize blame, affecting self-esteem and fairness towards themselves.
08:00 💭 Recovery involves envisioning life without self-blame and weighing the upsides and downsides of letting go.
10:17 🔄 Dealing with the unconscious fears and downsides of stopping self-blame can lead to healing and growth.
It's so truthful. A narcissistic parent makes the scapegoated child the subject of just every blame; he may go so far as to accuse you of things that he believes will happen in the future. Example: "You'll see that one day you'll beat me up!" (... and for that, you deserve to be punished today).