Narcissistic Father or Mother: When they Demand Love and Respect
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- Опубликовано: 10 июл 2024
- In this video, I delve into how narcissistic and emotionally immature parents demand love and respect.
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Hi Jerry! First, thank you so much for your content. I cannot express how I appreciate it.
I would have a question for you; what do you think of the circles that estranged parents have made for themselves, where very terrible opinions and perspectives about estranged adult children are being shared and promoted?
I watched one, by curiosity, and I’ll be honest, it was literally revictimizing. So I’d be happy to hear you on the subject, how to continue to feel and believe “we’re not wrong, they are” when hearing them.
Thank you 🙏🏻
Best regards
Exactly!
@@a.b.2850 Learn to let others stay dysfunctional, focus on you, your growth, your self differentiation so their dysfunctional has less of an impact on you. This is why I always talk about learning to be 'self focused' and what I help members do in my program. Healing is not about making others less dysfunctional or fixing others, but about making ourselves immune to their dysfunction so it no longer impacts us
Narcissistic parents don't get that when you treat your children right they will naturally love and respect you. You won't have to demand it.
They dont feel like that "transaction" is required
Your comment hits the nail on the head!
Why should they have to treat you with love and respect if they are entitled to love and respect ? You will show it and I will prove I’m entitled to it by being mean. And if you don’t still do it I’ll throw a tantrum ! - narc
Exactly my son is so loving to me I never tell him to be I just speak kind to him I have narcissistic parents they made me despise certain things and made me a better mom because of things to they did my common sense says was wrong and manipulative and dysfunctional
MODELING!!! If you want your children to treat you with love and respect, you need to teach them by example.
It’s crazy making how they demand respect but don’t feel any obligation to treat others with respect.
Yes!!!
Exactly!
Omg, yes
I always got the feeling that they view you like a pet. Like a dog. If they feed you and give you shelter you are suppose to obey.
SO TRUE
They demand what they don't give. It's backwards. You are not their parent, they are yours
💯Backwards, inverted, upside down lives.... 😳😳😳
I used to be parent of my father and mother and three younger siblings 😢
They love quoting the "Honor thy parents" from the Bible but never mention what comes after that verse "Parents don't provoke your children to anger"
Facts! I literally sent my narcissistic dad that scripture. They never acknowledge that.
@@girl-gx2lsThey are 100% hypocrites and it's funny that they serve Jesus who deeply disliked people just like them! The Pharisees were 100% narcissists! Narcisists are Empaths enemy number 1!
Thank You for adding the scripture verse that follows 💖
They confuse respect with obedience....
Respect is a two way Street. It is earned, and not an inherent right!
Exactly you don't give out respect, privileges, etc like 🍭...It all needs to be earned in order to be appreciated.
The cost of housing or rent these days is driving so many people back into the clutches of their narcissistic families. Narcs love it when you try to become independent but fail and come crawling back.
So so true, they literally do, very sick.
Exactly this plus infantilisation!
Exactly, my parents always sabotaged any success I made in being independent until I put my foot down and went no contact. It’s the most healing thing I’ve ever done.
One hundred percent my father...
@@miuthub7954You’re describing my in-laws!!! They pay for all my husband’s siblings’ emergencies, go shopping for them, watch their kids 24/7, and hone in on their lives. We live across the country and my husband won’t put up with that. Fine and distance has helped them recognize that we are independent and won’t allow their infantilization. Sure, we’ve been called names, but we won’t change our minds.
My mother used to say: you only have ONE mother!!!
I used to think 'what a shame its you'.
So helpful Jerry, thank you.
THANK GOD, lol.
Thank God for little blessings
Luckily for you! With Narcs is bad enough they are there, but it would be lot worse if there were more than one😂
Respect goes to the respectable. To demand it, by definition, means you are not worthy of it.
💯
Well said
OHMYGOD RESPECT IS THORS HAMMER
These people think they can treat u however they want
They dont expect adult to adult
I always thought that when I became an adult, I would be seen as equal.
I was so wrong.
Me to
Worst, on the second my running away I left the my handwritten message - " I'll return when I'll become human (meaning" person", *was written in my native language, a not in english). Did they thought about it? No. Nothing changed.
Only now I'm starting to understand it. They will never change. NEVER
or small and very temporal changes just, yo know, to drag you back and down again.
Please, don't give up
Life is worth it
And WE matter
@matikramer9648 no, definitely not giving up. Thanks for the reply it's good to know there are strong people out there in similar situations advocating for themselves.
I'll climb that mountain
This is the “We love and appreciate Jerry Wise” button>>>
They are the ones that act like they forgot they were your parent.
Mist times Mine treats me like an annoying younger sister rather than a daughter to nurture
For those of you in no contact and you hear that voice say “why are you no contact with your mother ?”, flip it on its head and ask “why not?”
If all you can come up with is “she’s your mother” then you know you’re doing the right thing.
Transactional (as opposed to unconditional) is the word that comes up a lot when talking about my relatives
What a word 👀😳 but very true nonetheless
I think I'll adopt this word. Do I have your permission?
@@matikramer9648 No
JK
What makes it harder with parents is that we can have natural love and affection for them...of course that love is weaponised against us. Non-narcissists see the good in parents as well as the damaging, whereas narcissistic parents don't see the good in their children unless they can use it in a superficial way to reflect back on themselves (showing they were great parents).
It hurts.
MY DAD. Every good thing about me is “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree” and everything he doesn’t like about me is “That’s not how I raised you.” Uhhhh my mom and stepdad raised us primarily, so yeah, whatever.
It should and would hurt
But I was in cognitive dissonance
I'm 64 and I got 3 praises from parents, two from mom and once from dad. I did survived.
Dang! this hits home. I grew up in a toxic and religious house and they are still pulling this crap now that I'm grown! Thanks for this
Baptist bible thumpin is what i got 24/7 wow did it take a toll on me thanks to a patient God i have been able to dig deep and search my soul to find that treasure that spirit of gold love patience and acceptance of me just me.
This describes the woman that gave birth to me. Last conversation I had she told me I was hateful for giving back an item she put in my yard that I didn't want. Something in me said to turn it around on her and I replied, "Well, maybe it's best you stay away from hateful people." She got even more angrier and tried guilting me by saying her old line of, "you just wait, when I die...." and I just said, "ok thank you bye see ya later", and put my earphones back in and walked away. It's been 3 weeks of peace and quiet from her. At 51 I'm just DONE with her manipulation now that I know what she's been doing to me all these years. Thank you for all you are doing to help us.🙏🙏🙏✌💜
Go away, stay away, never come back, don't get hoovered back to her.
It is too pricey, might even be too pricey
Good luck
Wish my husband would do the same. He is going to see that creature on Mother’s Day, mind you she’s mad at me and hasn’t called him or this house, except his bday since Jan 2023. Not even to offer condolences for my mother’s death. So he is leaving the mother of his children on Mother’s Day to appease her. He says he feels it’s the right thing to do. I try to gently tell him he owes her nothing. She is rude, disrespectful, lies, entitled , always the victim and has abused him his whole life. I asked him if guilt was why. He says he doesnt know. Im so mad at him. Ruins Mother’s Day for her. She doesn’t give a shit about him or her only grand kids, our kids.
@@dcg590 I'm so sorry to hear this. It's so difficult for some to see their parents for what they really are. My 41 yr old nephew has just barely begun to open his eyes to his the reality of his mom, my narcis-sister. I started sending videos about narcissism to his wife because they were really having such a hard time with her inserting herself in their life. My nephew wouldn't watch the videos but his wife would, sometimes close enough to where he could hear it and he actually listened and applied some of the tactics for not engaging/reacting in arguments. He's also going to therapy which has helped him so much. It was really hard for me to accept the fact that my mother is a narcissist because it meant facing she never really cared for me, that the mean spirited treatment I received from her was intentional and that she will never change. Facing and accepting that reality was so hard and emotional because you're realizing that your mother/parent never loved you at all...no matter how hard you tried to get her approval, her love, it was all for nothing. Being born into this kind of abuse is so damaging mentally and emotionally. I'm not making excuses for him, at some point he has to stand up to her, it's just the guilt the narcissistic parent dumps on you is unreal. My nephew still struggles with identifying some of her manipulation tactics even when his wife and I point out what his mom is doing, it's so frustrating at times. I hope somehow things will change for the better for you both.
As for my mom...she's trying to hoover me back by being "nice" and I feel like an asshole for grey rocking her but I know it's just part of her manipulative cycle. I cut off contact from all my toxic siblings 4yrs ago and just started cutting contact with my mom this year. It's a tough decision because you are painted as "the one with a problem", "the ungrateful, hateful one that's the problem" of the family....realizing your the scapegoat is also a hard realization as well as walking away from your immediate family.✌💜
Whenever I was giving my mother money on a regular basis we would get along great.
That sounds about right with me. I'm starting to wise up about who really loves me. Those who really care about me give to me without me even asking for it, and they never mention it-it's no big deal to them, and I want to be more like that
My mother, on the other hand, I feel, has conditional love. She's kind to me only when I meet her expectations and help her out financially. But if I even ask for $2.00, she acts like I'm asking her for a pint of blood. So unfair.
Same with my mother. Money was her idol.
Wow. Same with my mil. That stopped. She doesn’t come around now. Thank God
How about "I'll disinherit you!" in order to demand love & respect.
My father used to do that all the time. It turns out he was broke and there was nothing to inherit in the first place, but back then it felt like I would have to forfeit my name or something like that. 😅
I told them to stick it before I even knew what I was dealing with. The inheritance stick would have been used to beat me for decades and I knew I wouldn't be left anything. I enjoyed seeing them squirm I couldn't be bribed with hot air. I would have seen it as psychological (and actual) blood money anyway, you don't need that negative energy in your life.
My mother in law just tried this with my son. I told him she's future faking. She'll probably spend all her money before she dies anyway and be asking us to borrow money. It's a distraction from you concentrating on your own success and earning your own money.
@TheRealUncannyValley Both my parents did that in real life. But my father had nothing but paintings. My Mother left everything to the golden child. My sister has hip to that and she ignored the will and did what she felt was right. I never knew exactly what was in the estate but we split the house. I did all the repairs. We had a few tiffs but it was overall loving. Can't belive my Mother leather papers for me to find, and me specifically. Just to leave me a ratty mink stole, because her attorney said she had to giveme something, Lol. It hurt less because she was intentionally trying to hurt me. That was hard to get over and explain.
I'm waiting for that to happen because I always fight back because of their BS.
Saving this.
She says, “I’m your mother”, like it’s the end-all be it. As if we now owe her, and all the abuse we endured must be forgiven and forgotten…because she is our mother.
Thank you, Mr. Wise.
I forgiven my mother countless times. She never changed. She is not able. And now she has dementia and Altcheimer. How comfortable.
It's simple, bully behavior. It suggests, strongly, they have no compass. They don't understand that their behavior is combative and destructive. Yet, they need to be loved. They need to be respected. They need a lot of things and none of those things are the key to connecting with your kids.
No wonder my “Smother” always uses the Bill Cosby line on me… “Remember, I brought you into this World and I can take you out.”
They get my love and respect- from a distance.
😁
They sell properties on the moon,😉
👏💯👍‼️
period. that's where i'm at now.
YES!!!!
It’s really sad. I thought I could go through the motions with them as they age. I absolutely can’t. They ignored me when I had cancer. This was absolutely devastating. It was exactly then when I realized how extremely dangerous they are to my mental health.
It’s basically them or my mental health. I wish it wasn’t so.
They are dangerous to your very life
Oh my goodness, same for me. I just went through cancer as a single mom and they completely ignored or mistreated me and my son.
I was so stunned and shocked, like being hit by that truck all over again. Trauma in a trauma. Same as you, I realized how dangerous they are for my health and now I start working on getting out of here. I moved in with them because of chemo, what could possibly be wrong about that given the circumstances, is what I thought.
Sick of their demanding ! They would never had my respect again like when i was younger, naive and blind on what was really going on. I look on them as my enemies now.
same here. i respect their ability to make money and come to this country (they were immigrants). that's about it.
One thing i haven't seen discussed anywhere is when the narcissistic parent gets dementia. It took me many, many years to get past the garbage my mother dealt out, and now with her dementia, it's like i'm living it all over again. It takes a toll.
It's easiet to ghost a dementia patient. Just don't care for her. Is she in the us? Call adult protective services and let them deal with her.
Does she have no money to pay for care?
@@amberinthemist7912 She lives with my brother and his wife, and the hubs and i take her every few months so they can have a break. It's during those times and these adventures through rehab (three in the last four years) when i'm forced to spend extended time with her. i re-read my original comment, and i didn't mean to give the impression that i'm caring for her regularly.
My mom has dementia and altscheimer. Luckily, I'm not taking care of her. Her golden child, m' brother doing it.
But I angrily thought to myself - how comfortable, feeling no shame and no blame.
I'm just living on another continent.
@@matikramer9648 My brother is also doing the caretaking, whcih, i'm sure, he figured i'd be doing. But whatever, i'm happy to let him and his wife do it. She's not a horrible person, just more than i want to deal with again. i wish you peace through these years.
With my parents it was , if you believe what we do , then we’ll back you , help you , support you. If you don’t , you’re on your own . My mother the martyr! And my father, he was always right! And then deny and say that never happened . It’s exhausting!!
well you certainly hit the nail on the head w this video , Jerry. Everything U were saying was my mother's words for word. I went minimal contact for about 15 years but that still was too stressful for me. So last year at 68 yrs old, I went NO CONTACT. the smartest thing I ever did in my entire life. If you R a person that dreads when UR gonna see or talk to UR mother. Go no contact. She will never change & she will never love you. don't wait until UR 68 years old like I did. I'm finally free !!!!
Good for you! I went no contact with narc father at age 21, but out of societal guilt it took me until age 36 to do the same with my narc mother. No one needs a person in your life who makes you wanna puke every time you see their number pop up on your caller i.d. She only needed me to borrow money from and take pity on her. Enjoy your freedom and don't even think about showing up for her funeral. Go to Hawaii instead.
@@JenJenANDChrissy good 4 U 4 being so strong at such a young age. Ha I think about when I get the call from my one daughter who is her flying monkey, but she's a good person & doesn't know she's her flying monkey. When she calls & says Gram died, I think about that, & all I will be able to say is I'm so sorry 4 "YOUR" lose"
I'm 64, and I see it. But before I saw it, I felt it. Run from the home twice. Luckily after I finished secondary school. Got married to other country. Moved to yet other, a different country on the other continent. I think it was survival instinct.
Still alive, still done as well as I could, my children are alive and well. So does my grandchildren.
I got lucky.
@@JenJenANDChrissyI do agree. Hawaii or some other nice place.
Even though they have been THE most unloving and disrespectful people I ever experienced (minus one who was a terrible combination of the worst of both of those idiots.) I barely survived the experiences precisely because I DID love and respect them while abandoning love and respect for myself. Thanks as always Jerry ☺️🥂✅
3:27 DON'T join them in their inner dialog
They are the earworm I cannot exorcise.
In one of the many nasty letters my father wrote me during my childhood all about what a bad daughter I was, he asked “Don’t we deserve respect just for being your parents?!” Even at that young age I remember thinking no, you deserve respect when you are respectful.
Always poignant - thank you, Jerry.
My father feels disrespected because no one can read his mind. Everyone is supposed to know what he wants and if you don't then it's your fault. He will hold a grudge for years over a comment that he takes the wrong way and didn't bother to speak up about. He refused to attend my wedding because he didn't like how my husband asked for his blessing and didn't express it. He'd rather another man walk his child down the aisle just to prove a point. All of these demands from a father who didn't raise me and contributed very little to my upbringing. It took me years to realize the manipulation and to accept that nothing will change.
I hear you. Different slightly but the same idea. A toddler.
This sounds just like my family and it’s exhausting to try to be the healthy one. Always deflecting their attempts, and making the effort to not be sucked into to being their supply Is a non stop job. It’s feels like minimum or no contact is the only peaceful/manageable outcome for your mind. They don’t change.
Love these videos Jerry!
this is how i feel too. i still can find myself guilted into saying and doing things to appease them that i wish i hadn't. i just need to get far away at this point. they've taken enough from me emotionally and psychologically.
@@user-lw3ri8us4w they will never understand your emotions or where you’re coming from. They cannot.
My dad is sitting down with cards laying all around him. His house of cards finally blew over. Your sin will find you out.
Yep eventually we all reap what we ourselves have sown...So help you if you don't sow well cared for seeds!
My mother and father to a T. Finally had to accept that I can't be in contact with either one of my parents much less any of the rest of my family. Both my mother and father say horrible lies about me to each side of their family. Sometime at the end of last year I sent my mom a video basically that explained the way she is. She ended up sending it to her her sister, my Aunt and was saying that it was exactly like her mom. It went completely over her head.
At one point she would say she doesn't remember things the way I talk to her. but she's sorry if she did act like that. Now she won't even validate any of my very real experiences. I think the reason why it took so long for me to go no contact, is because I would have to accept all those years of putting up with their BS was for nothing.
I had brain tumors and multiple brain surgeries at the age 26. Leaving me with untreatable unbearable chronic pain. Have learned that if the mental state is not in order and healthy neither will the physical state. I can't be in contact with my parents because they literally make me sick.
❤🩹
This is my life. My mom always has to remind me that she is my mother. I'm 54. She's been doing it since I was a child along with the tried and true the bible says honor thy father and thy mother. When you let her know that what she is doing is hurtful she says that I should just ignore her. So she can say and do what ever to you because she is the mother and if it hurts just ignore it.
Yea when it comes to their abuse you must forgive and forget 🙄
Narcissitic mother constantly tried the "Im your mother" rubbish on me all the time growing up. She kept forgetting that she told me at the age of 4 that Im adopted. She even gave me the paperwork - I cherished those papers.
Have you found your real mother She was probably treated very badly and could miss you dreadfully
My mother read in some women's magazine that "your kids don't really hate you - they just think they do." So whenever I told her truthfully that I hated her, she refused to believe me.
Ohhh lawwwd
That advice was probably supposed to ONLY be applied to toddlers and teenagers who were throwing that in their mothers' faces while throwing a tantrum from not getting their way. If an adult child says that, it's a completely different matter.
I was voicing upthread that it really does feel when we're making a serious effort to get support that the ENTIRE CULTURE is conspiring to fail us in that endeavor. So when experts tell us to "get support" -- what they don't seem willing to get into with us is HOW we're supposed to do that given that entire cultures seem to love to enable narcissistic behavior.
@amarbyrd2520 It absolutely does. I think most people are blind to it. Plus, our leadership roles (politicians, celebrities, CEOs, etc) are littered with them, so people confuse narcissism and charisma for good leadership, so it's encouraged.
You were wasting your time. Move on and forget they exist.
"I am your mother, so I am allowed to tell you whatever i want!!"...i used to hear this nonsense for my whole life. She would rationalise her abusive, hurtful remarks and offensive attacks with that one sentence.
The worst thing is that i actually believed and accepted that well into my adulthood.
It has never occured to me that this is actually one more abusive tactic of a narcissist.
oh my god yes. i'm right there with you in finally seeing how abusive that crap was. she deserves my no contact and worse.
My mother had a song "For the 9 months I carried you, growing inside me; no charge. For the years that I cared for you, fed you and clothed you; no charge." She would sing it to guilt us out of money, or guilt us into doing what she wanted as kids. She stopped when I became a mother myself and repeatedly and rather pointedly told her that was the bare minimum to raise children.
Yep. That was their duty, but the narcissistic parent makes it sound like they were so magnanimous.
My parents basically had the same filosophy, but that she even made a song out of it creeps me out.. sorry that happened to you
I hated that song as a kid. It always gave me the creeps.
This is the only RUclips channel on this subject that I visit regularly. I appreciate the insight and knowledge.
You may enjoy Surviving Narcissism with Dr.C too...He did a great video with Jerry not long ago over on his channel🌞👍.
Gave birth to you but not a mother!
Exactly!!
Amen.
@@bowiearcangeli11 exactly why i call her "female parent". maybe "birther" would be even more accurate.
Just the title alone made me feel weak and nauseous. I'm 44 and the memories of my mother standing over me with a belt, screaming that i WILL respect her and my dad making me hug him after every beating are still fresh.
Oh, my gosh. That’s sick. My dad would yell and scream at us and then force us to hug him while he said, “I can hold you any time I want.”
@@katiefrankie6 jesus that is fucking disgusting. i'm so sorry you were put through that.
@@user-lw3ri8us4wThanks. It sure gave me some insight as to how to treat others. My sister has been very vocal to her daughters that no one has the right to touch them without their consent.
@stevenloridunn6677 -so sorry you experienced that. People like her are sick and unfortunately learned that behavior from their own parents. My mother was the same. Hope you have inner peace and emotionally healthy people around you now.
@@mindfullymellow2323 you don't get healthy until you know you're sick. I am halfway across the country now, with a wonderful husband who has truly nurtured my spirit where I had hardened it and called it healed.
We are on a text only basis. But I have the life she made it her job to see that I never had. More importantly, I have peace. I seek serenity
I crave it. I finally have it.
Thank you for being concerned about me. That means a lot.
Looking back, my narc parents had it great. We went to a church that practically INSISTED on abuse and they never had to take any responsibility except for the barest minimum. Not to mention, that I was SUPPOSED to help in any way possible, which usually meant taking on more responsibility than any young child should have
CRAZINESS
the church and religion is part of how they hide. i'm convinced now. these organizations protect narcissists.
My parents demanded we respect all adults! It took me years to ask myself why we were not taught to demand respect for ourselves! Many adults disrespected me as a child and those wounds took years as an adult to heal! My dad told my sister she had called him a bastard because she wouldn't keep following his life rules and be controlled! She was strong and told him she never said that to him! Asked him how she called him that. He stated she voiced it by refusing to do as she was told! She told him she would live her life but not by his dictates!
I checked 9 out of 10 of the narcissistic statements
My husband moved across the country to get away from his folks’ micromanaging and guilt trips. Also to further his university education. His parents baby his siblings like crazy: babysitting their kids, helping finance their homes, shopping for them, bailing them out, etc etc etc. Major enmeshment. Then they get angry/upset at my husband when he tells them he doesn’t want their money. I’m grateful that he refuses to play their games or let them dictate our lives!
My father always used the religious thing on me, even though he wasn’t religious. I did everything he expected from me, and at times I had to guess what he wanted. It’s very hard to read someone’s mind. He projected onto me, how he was never there for his own Mom(she was a narc, too). I learned a very valuable lesson as to how not to treat my kids.
Yes ungrateful and icecold and greedy and calculating 😂😂😂
And not knowing what real love is.
Sounds like Gargamel from the Smurfs practically🤗.
I was told in a very sarcastic tone when I wanted to spend time with my husband, “I loved MY parents!”
Great point about religion. Anyone, regardless of Religious belief… Who invokes religion as a patsy, to behave horribly - is undoubtedly a disordered human being and/or completely wrong in their position.
How many times have you heard somebody misquote the Bible … or take a quote from the Bible completely out of context - in order to guilt you, manipulate you, or justify their terrible behavior?
It’s even more disgraceful when you know more about the Bible than the Bible - thumping person who uses it as a means to an end, in narcissistic and sociopathic ways. Correct somebody misquoting or contextualizing the Bible improperly - someone who is trying to use it as a weapon… and their reaction will be catastrophic.
I am not anti-Bible at all. If you understand the lessons of the stories, and do not manipulate its purpose - I’m all for it.
But invoking it or “intentionally misinterpreting” it for personal gain? Automatic red flag about that human being in general. Automatic
"Honor Thy Father."
"I'll continue to pray for you."
"You have to forgive me because if you don't then you're not a real christian."
"I am entitled to respect."
Just a few things my narc FIL would say to my wife and I. Looking back it's kind of hard not to laugh at just how ridiculous it all is
Mine sends me passive aggressive articles about how to honor your parents, and then Bible verses to back it up
Funny. The Bible also says “Fathers do not provoke your children to anger.” Not to mention general verses about compassion that apply to all Christians no matter what role. Using the Word to bully someone into submission is actually disobedient to God.
Honor THY mother and father!!! Emphasis on the King James version.
Side note- Many people do not like Christianity because this is all they’ve heard. I’ve not heard King James in a sermon since I was a child.
Remember, the diabolical can also quote scripture ... @@Window4503
I love how you give examples on how to respond. All my life I tied to explain - of course to no avail. Yet I desided to go not contact as nothing I'll say will stick and I'm not willing to be invalidated anylonger- or blackmailed. My nervoussystem reacts even when attemps of contact from their side is made, triggering traumatic scenes. I have to protect my sanity!
Same. As my parents have aged, so have I. Whenever my mother called me, my blood pressure would shoot up to 160-170s/110s. No contact = survival.
This was packed with so much meat I almost stopped being a vegetarian! Ty Jerry for all of this content.
It is an extremely hard situation to live with, especially when ‘one’ takes everything to ‘heart’…’and no matter what I offer or say it is not right.’
Don't bother It will never be right
We were told or reminded repeatedly how good they are to us. How good we had it. Why would we have to be told?
My cousins didn't even know my parents were separated and lived apart until recently. So much secrecy.
EXACTLY. if it were really so good, then we would FEEL IT. they manipulated us out of even seeing the validity of our own feelings! such garbage.
My mother DEFINES respect. It means reflect back her rosy view of herself. Be grateful. Accept whatever labels she gives me. Be happy. Have no reaction to any of her comments. (Obviously I'm disrespectful.......................)
My own daughter and I can acknowledge each other's perspective, can communicate, say sorry. I am enraged by the way my mother has treated me and the smear campaign and the cold shouldering but I also pity her. She could have had a real relationship with me like i have with my daughter but she has written me out completely, totally ignores me and is now trying to fawn over my daughter. My daughter doesn't want to lose her but luckily she doesn't need support from her.
My mom would always say " I brought you into this world and I can take you out"
I can't believe this was ok in her mind to say to her child.....
I could and would NEVER say this to my wonderful children it's horrible.
My mom 89 said to me the other day .. I had one child , one too many .
"If you loved me you'd treat me the way good daughters should treat their fathers"
"What exact steps and specific actions would I need to do for you to consider real love?"
"What good daughters give to their fathers!"
Repeat.
I'm in my 50s.
my mom use to refuse to acknowledge when I express gratitude. She always corrected me when I said " thank you"( even when I was honest), and telling me to say " thank mom" or anything else. As She didn't had to take my appreciation, she would be able to continue to trap me in the role of the selfish one.
I am your mother and you W ILL treat me with respect!! 🤮 While raging at me
I brought you into this world… 🤢
Is anyone else having the problem not just that the elder parents are demanding love and respect -- but that the rest of nuclear family, extended family, and pretty much the rest of the entire culture is DEMANDING you GIVE it to them?? The trouble I have with well-meaning professionals insisting we "get support" is that when we're surrounded literally wherever we go with N-enablers who blame and shame US, regardless of whether we travel to another town, state, or sometimes country -- the trouble with making efforts to get that support is that * there is literally nowhere to FIND it *
... That's exactly why these communities are so incredibly precious, they're somewhere you CAN get support & education even if you struggle to find it elsewhere🌞👍.Best wishes🕊️.
This is why I went no-contact. I cannot honor or respect people who regularly break the ten commandments without remorse. Triangulation - lying, bearing false witness against one's neighbor (or in this case one's CHILD), stealing (from one's adult child as well as their own grandkids), coveting or being insanely jealous of EVERYTHING anyone does including the successes of their CHILD. No parent who breaks commandments as easily and glibly as they do deserves "honor." Nope. No contact since January 27, 2024.
They dont have any respect elswhere so they demand children for respect.
They can only get respect when they demand it from children.
Honestly its pathetic.
yes. this is exactly why i don't reach out to aunts and uncles about the abuse. they'll just make it worse. it's awful how isolated we victims can feel in the narcissistic family system even the extended family.
I think the pattern is older than my own parents truthfully. Many years ago my dad got involved in helping people adopt children from orphanages in Hungary. One little girl was adopted at age 9 but within a year the family literally "returned the child" to my parent's doorstep. They just dropped her off and left. Horrible! In any case, my father found new adoptive parents for the child. She went with these new unknown-to-her people to her new home. They really were good people, BUT no one really helped the kid process all of this. Soon after she left with the new family, my father tried to send the little girl a postcard telling her what emotions to generate for the benefit of her new parents. Luckily I saw the intended postcard before it was sent and I destroyed it. This is what's so twisted. You can't completely ignore the child's feelings then demand that they generate certain emotions for others. Love, gratitude, etc.
@@gobetter350 It's been a long time since I was involved in this type of thing and the laws have changed over time. You'd have to research it yourself.
"You only have one mother, anybody could be your father!"
This is my mother's relatives favorite line to explain why I should be "grateful".
I've recently started informing every member who encounter me-
"Yeah she only had one child this whole time and she forgot she was that child's mother. No thanks, that's y'all sister now. You can go on and be her support. I'm so good!"
Damn, do we have the same mother?
When i have a conversation with my mother, she almost always control me by saying, dont you agree with me, and then i get the stare.
Forgiving = coming back for more; revenge = becoming that what you hate; Solution = HEAL yourself, walk away and let go. And be aware of religions that want you forgiving, and remaining suffering, because they use that suffering of people to exert control over them; and Also be aware of religions that pray revenge, they use your anger to exert control over you and to use you as soldier in their wars for land or whatever. Be centered, don’t fall for neither one nor the other. Be centered, be balanced, heal yourself(!!!!!!!), let go, move forward.
YES you're absolutely spilling the tea heree!!! thank you for all this truth, you're absolutely right and SO MANY PEOPLE need to see this.
Oh dear, even the title of the video is triggering
I apologize for that, I hope you found the content helpful!
My mom would say to me that I’m going to hell.
She was projecting.......
When my 86 to "MoMster" demanded respect I reminded her that our words have consequences like she told me so many times before. As such her saying she loves me while forever blind to the dna-dad & siblings abuse & her weaponizing her love to be so different than a Christian makes her worst than them who never once in six decades have they said they love me when even she doesnt
Just to hold myself accountable and to take responsibility for my actions, yesterday was my birthday and the day before I thought a Narcissist would be nice after I said it was going to be my birthday.. I was wrong.. What comes to mind is "Going to the hardware store for milk." Apparently I am still learning my lesson..
I had this revelation come to me.. I always thought that I was to release my mom's anger.. My revelations was that I justified my mom's anger.. It was to justify her inner conflict.. Same with the person that I dealt with 2 days ago.. The other thing that I just want to mention is that I can go no contact and I can do a geographic move to a not so crazy part of the country/world but I have noticed that there are people that have that "internal conflict" everywhere I have been so I do need to know how to deal with them..
Let me just add one more thing.. To me "ghosting," "gaslighting," "deer in headlights," is how you deal with them.. When you say something about "and what's for dinner" that is part of it.. Even just ignoring or going "yeah, uh huh, is that so, ok" is part of it.. To me that is where "dissociating" can work for me..
DAMN - i am SO glad you made this video Jerry. I have so much more clarity at this point in my life regarding the "system" and the information you provided is on point.
After attempting to connect with the mother and father figures consistently in my lifetime, I am fully exhausted. I'm also tired of being called THE DEVIL just because I don't and won't subscribe to their demands for me to be subservient to them.
PEACE to all!
A year ago, i read The Drama of the Gifted Child. The book basically states that since parents weren't given the love they needed as children, they put undue pressure on the children to meet their unmet needs. Another thing i found in the book is that size determines the power structure; and this is as classic as the Bible and the dinosaur.
"I"m the big adult and you're the little child", regardless of age; and to the parents, that justifies intergenerational bullying.
I used to think people knew when they were being unreasonable, and would therefore feel guilty. I now know that dysfunctional people don't have empathy and don't feel guilt. My parents said the reason they had children was for them to look after them in their old age.
In other words, get abandoned by more people at best and at worst... Need I say more?
I feel like no one can actually understand this unless they’ve experienced this themselves. Even a close or a best friend often thinks everyone’s experienced things like these in their childhood.
My dependent personality mother, who was my narc father's enabler, did all the gaslighting, emotional blackmail and manipulation on his behalf.
“I know you’re my mother, and they (kids) need to go to a game”. Brocken record, love it 👏 👍👍
Demanding respect and love, literally asking for the impossible, on purpose, ensuring your failure. Coca Cola!
Great informative video.
One of the lines used on my was “Well I’M YOUR MOTHER….!!!!!!” Or I’m your mother or so and so’s Grandmother and I have a right to know. (All said screaming or at top of her lungs)
I no longer drink from that fire hose.
Timely validation. Thanks Jerry! Feeling less crazy
Very welcome
My dad used to get so angry at me for no reason, then roll out the " scroll of iniquity" featuring all my screw ups, and then demand I say yes sir, demand respect I never felt.
00:00 📣 Jerry Wise introduces the topic of toxic ways narcissistic parents demand love and respect, drawing from his extensive experience working with clients.
02:30 💔 Love and respect demanded by narcissistic parents often come with threats regarding religion, manipulating emotions, and managing their feelings.
03:59 ⛓ Narcissistic parents demand love and respect through expected subservience, equating compliance with affection.
05:00 🔄 Learning to respond differently and setting boundaries are crucial in handling narcissistic family dynamics.
09:36 🚧 Establishing detachment from the narcissistic parent's inner dialogue and focusing on personal beliefs is key to emotional liberation.
The way I see it, letting someone I care about act badly and doing nothing to stop them or help them learn better isn't loving or respectful. It’s enabling. I set boundaries to keep myself safe, but they're healthy and loving for my family, too. Changing their behavior is not my department, but I'm not going to enable and I'm not going to give my silent approval, because that’s not love.
My narcissistic parents said you get along with your kids really well I don’t understand that how she can identify that. Tell me somethings wrong with me and yet acknowledge how well my kids and I get along. I love my kids. She’s now jealous of my granddaughter.
Sir, you hit all the nails on the head! You speak to me and my issues! Thanks!
You are so welcome
When I was young I would get into trouble .
I would call on my dad to get me out of the trouble . I believe he liked that because it provided him the opportunity to then abuse me .
Warren Zevon sang , "send lawyers , guns , and money ." " Dad get me out of this ." 🤔
👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍
Please don't say these things to toxic narcissistic parents, if i weren't estranged mine would beat the life outta me for speaking this way, even as an adult. Be careful
Of course if your parent(s) are malignant narcissists and physically abusive then I certainly would have other advice for you or anyone in this situation. Thank you for commenting
@@jerrywise thank you Jerry, you're channel had really helped me contextualize things the last several years! Blessings! 🙏
I’m not a narc, but I do demand respect. The love comes from what I have done for them.
Good morning Jerry and thank you again. It's so nice to listen to you it's all too accurate.
🎉U. 💛
You are so welcome
I agree with everything the narcissists say at the moment, avoid believing in them, and disengage as fast as possible. I also need to make sure to respect them when they deserve it, not when they forced me to.
“Duh!” Loved that part. ❤😂
She accused to accuse me of bullying her while she was bullying me and accusing me of all sorts of things.
“If you apologize (for speaking my truth), we will welcome you back into the fold”. No thanks.
The narcissist are gossipers, angry and mean but they demand you treat them the total opposite. Sorry it doesn't work like that in my real world.
yes my father was absolutely like this. He is very demanding respect and control
This is why I had to unlearn over-explaining myself as an adult… as kids we had to over-explain to try to avoid the guilt trips and manipulation… but normal people don’t work like that… normal people can understand if you can’t do something or don’t do something like they wanted… actually, normal people don’t usually want to hear the explanation 😂😂😂 it’s just not necessary…
When I was 17, I recall my father saying to my mother, "Why can't you be a friend to your daughter?" My mother's response: "I'm not her friend; I'm her MOTHER!"
lol they will try to force it and wring it all out of you thru disparaging comments or some verbal or situational abuse! horrible.
Tired old line, well I’m your mother- ‘after all’ ….never taught me respect, only taught me fear and when I wanted to curtail phoning her daily to discuss the weather 🤡 her response was outrage and said well if it’s some kind of penance- which it was then don’t bother 🤡 ….she died last month at almost 92 and I’ve never felt better.
I was and still do get told, you’ll be out of the will…and I’m 61 years old.