How to deal with a defiant teenager
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- Опубликовано: 6 июн 2017
- Get Mark's book "Waltzing with Wolverines" here: www.amzn.com/0996802029/
After 2 years as a trip leader for a wilderness therapy program for troubled teenagers, Mark Andreas learned first hand how to connect with and lead defiant teenagers. Learn the key to preventing power struggles with teenagers before they begin, and how to talk so defiant teenagers will listen. The full title of Mark Andreas' book about working with teens is, "Waltzing with Wolverines: finding connection and cooperation with troubled teens" www.amzn.com/0996802029/ 
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Thank you. As a foster parent who specializes with teenagers, it's always nice to be given different , gentle strategies, to help them succeed.
Glad it was helpful to you. Best wishes as a foster parent, that's awesome!
Good for step parents of preteens too. Thank you. Also enjoy your manner of speaking. Very clearly. Funny and engaging. Got some good ideas now
I currently work as a juvenile care worker and I have been trying to implement these tools and it’s hard when it’s no consistency. I feel like I’m losing the battle. I attempted to establish rapport, I avoid power control battles, I don’t feel like that is necessary. I try to speak slow and calm and they only respond to regression and anger. It’s rough.
It is rough, and nothing's going to happen overnight. You may make a huge difference to the kids you work with, and never know it from their reactions. Being a consistent, caring, presence no matter what they give you back may make a huge difference to them without you ever finding out. And nobody reaches everybody. One thing you may explore for rapport is matching their tempo even as you're being kind. If they are aggressive and angry, you may want to speak more rapidly and forceful, though with a loving message, to start. Then gradually go more slow and calm when you see them following you. I go into this and many other strategies in the book, which you can read some of for free on Amazon if you haven't already. Wishing you all the best!
Pray for their salvation and spiritual maturity every day. Don't give up , God changes these troubled kind of people every day.
@mark Andreas hello I’m a 33 year old mother of 4 my oldest is Mathew he’s 15 just turned a few months ago , Audrey 12 , belleh 9 , Jassie 7 & I’m desperately in need for any type of help , my son has gotten out of control he’s smoking weed , he started hanging out w friends who are in a formal gang , & I’m afraid he’s end up becoming one & thing’s eventually will just go all the way bad & I’m honestly in need of a helping hand on any type of advice, help program I live in California & I don’t know if I’m living under a rock 🪨 or I’m just not finding the right type of help for my Son , I feel like a total failure because our relationship is took a different direction, we hurt echother with word’s & I’ve allow hem to drag me in to feeding in to his negativity & we just keep going back in forth he keeps bringing up very personal things & literally flipping everything & anything & has me believing all the bad things he’s mixing & also making up & contradicting, & ends up projecting all this horrible assumptions & lies , towards my character & my mothership, I end up falling in to his game & here I am being rude & nasty thinking if I get ugly back he will maybe show me some type of pettiness, at this point I’m hopeless & I’m in a reck & my anger is beyond all the level’s , now he’s done broke all my furniture & done the absolute most to get Uber my skin over a simple chore & me getting hem to get on top of his responsibilities, because he has not been doing it , for months now , this is so hard , I need help
His book sounds interesting, but as a parent of four teenagers, gotta be honest: it's hard to take any parenting advice from someone who isn't a parent. Working with other ppls kids just is not really the same,
I hear that! If it sounds interesting enough to get the book and try some of it out, let me know if you find it useful. I’ll have 2 teenage sons in 13 years, so then I’ll get to put to the ultimate test😊 (I’ll let you in on a secret though, in my experience these approaches work for all (caring) human relationships, not just parents with teenagers).
@@MarkAndreas1 congratulations on becoming a parent, that is awesome! Yes, I see what you mean. Love and understanding will always be helpful in relationships struggles! My husband just got a job at the public school to "handle the bad kids" lol. So we will read your book!
@@azhotmom Thank you! Can’t imagine a more meaningful thing than working with kids (both one’s own and with others), wish him all the best for me. And lots of respect for having 4 of your own, you’re braver than I am!!
Thank you for this video! I was looking for a resource to affirm my intuition that we should always be on their side and never on the opposite side.
All the advice out there is to manipulate them to get them to comply with our demands and to win power struggles.
You’re so welcome!
Thankyou for taking the time to share this. Going to try...
Pray for their salvation and spiritual maturity every day. God can change anyone. Let me tell you that one day I layed my hand on my spouse's shoulder and said to him, "Be born again in the name of Jesus." And he has been changed by God's grace ever since. He is so much more positive now. So much less angry.
I know people who've been changed through water baptism in Jesus' name. I heard it's the ight way to baptize not in the name of the father , son and holy spirit.
I know someone he was changed in the midst of his despair and anger filled life because he uttered a prayer , "God save me." God changed him that very moment. He's a new person to this day, full of peace and joy of the Lord, not too angry and bound in addiction anymore.
@@liveforchrist1474 Whatever one's religious or spiritual beliefs, this video is about what we ourselves can do to connect with and respect the teenagers in our lives (as well as recognize those things beyond our control, which if you believe in God, are the things you can leave to God). One of my favorite sayings is a paraphrasing of a Tibetan saying, "If you have a problem you can do something about, you don't have a problem, but if you have a problem you CAN'T do something about, you don't have a problem."
It's my pleasure to share this, let us know how it goes for you!
Dealing with a rebellious teenager as well. Thank you for taking the time to make this video.
Most welcome!
Same. And I’m tired.
He's not doing his assignment
He hasn't made a mark on his paper once
You think exactly like me I thought my approach was soft too but I didn't want to control kid's either.
It's a nice thing to be able to be both gentle and also MORE effective, at the same time.
Got a defiant arrogant and selfish brother, found this video helpful, thank youu
Most welcome! You can also read the first part of the book online for free--lots more details of helpful strategies: www.amazon.com/Waltzing-Wolverines-Connection-Cooperation-Troubled/dp/0996802029
I mostly get into battles over life altering decisions that my children want to make their ages are 18 and 20. If it were as simple as doing a school assignment for example they would have to deal with failing. The issues that I get into power struggles over are more serious and not easy to get out of due to the nature of the issue. How do get out of the power battle when you need to protect the child but they don't want to listen?
These are by no means easy issues. If you feel a need to protect your child that you believe is in their best interest, and you have the power to do so, then there is no need for a power battle. You already have the power to do it, so you just do what you think is best. With kids who are 18 and 20, there is very little you do have the power to make them do to be safe according to what you think is best (unless they are breaking the law, in which case you can call the police, though there's no guarantee that this will end safely either). One fact of life is that people will make their own choices. The best way for you to have positive influence over those choices, is to recognize this, and not try to force your kids to do something they know you can't make them to do. This will bring respect, and a closer relationship, which will make it more likely they understand that you want the best for them, and thus the most likely that they take your concerns to heart. But they still may not, and that's part of life. One of my favorite quotes is by a Greek Stoic philosopher Epictetus, "The secret to happiness is to stop worrying about those things that are beyond the power of your will." Easier said than done, of course, but very true.
Great story but I was hoping for something to help me with more serious power battles, ones that can't be gotten out of due to safety. Such as teen want to hang out with friends during pandemic.
My point is that it is never helpful to get into a power battle, no matter the seriousness of the situation, because if you're battling, it means you're trying to control something you don't actually have control over. If you have control, you just do what you think is best to protect everyone, no need for a battle. Feel free to share more specifics if you want my take on that. Wishing you all the best, raising kids is the biggest challenge we face, I think!
@@MarkAndreas1 you're right on both points. Thanks!
I'm trying to gather all the information I can to have a heart to heart type intervention with my 16 yr old niece. She's a survivor of abuse from age 11. It's been 2 years and her Mom still hasn't put her into therapy which is a shame, bc she stays in trouble. Every other week in ISS, having her phone confiscated by the principal. Always trying to sneak off with boys. Dress and act like she's grown. She's been to a group home for troubled teens and was kicked out. Her Mom is recovering from cancer so my Mom (her grand mom) took her in. My mom is old and not really in a position physically or financially to deal with her. She can't live with her other grand mom though bc they can't get along and will almost get into fist fights. My Mom and all of my sisters and I have been kind to her and her brother.. taking them on trips, she's been to Disney World, other amusement parks, she has her own decorated room, we buy her nice things, take them out to eat. My oldest sister who's an evangelist and sooo sweet and giving is constantly organizing events. She has prayed over my niece and nothing works! She's very manipulative and pitting us against each other by lying and just causing constant drama. To be honest I almost feel like she's a lost cause, "ALMOST feel". I've never seen a child so disrespectful, selfish, inconsiderate and uncontrollable as her. Luckily I also see the sweet hurt little girl inside, and when I talk to her she's very polite and for whatever reason she seems to respect and look up to me. She talks, laughs and behaves like a kid should when she talks to me, but we never talk about her behavior and other issues, bc I don't want to upset her and I felt like it wasn't my place but since nothing else is working, I think it's my turn to try to get through to her.
I feel like if I can just find the perfect words to reach her in a profound way it will open her eyes by the grace of God🙏😔🙏
Sounds like a challenging situation. I hope you find the book helpful, and wishing you and her all the best on this journey!
I got a suggestion, have Alexia’s play Christina Agurlara “ hurt”
ruclips.net/video/wwCykGDEp7M/видео.html
My daughter don't say anything if i ask them. All i can do is win the power control.
Hi Tza, if you want to share more specifics, I'd be happy to give you my thoughts on what might be helpful to you. Based on what you've written, it sounds like you want your daughter to respond to you verbally, which is very understandable. However, it is outside of your control, so if you get into this power battle, it's one you will lose every time if your daughter wants you to. Instead I'd focus on letting your daughter know your expectations, whether or not she responds verbally, and if those aren't met you can draw her attention to the natural consequences, and possibly some logical consequences that you decide upon. Of course remember to keep letting her know how much you care about her during this whole process.
Currently have our first foster child shes 11 and very defiant, arrogant, disrespectful and honestly very very difficult, This video has helped Thank you.
You're most welcome!
Is it mountain campaigning or assignment race ?
I don’t understand this question. We were leading trips in the Colorado Rocky Mountain wilderness mostly.
Think 🤔 for selves empower children 👧 is my specialty ..supporting children that child inside of you …what do u need ????do we can do this win 🏅 🏅 they are there Bc they needed something ❓❓❓⁉️
Where is this man? Please someone I need help for my son! I need this man’s information, I’m in Colorado Springs
Hi SB, small world. I'm in Boulder Colorado. However I'm currently doing all my coaching online over Zoom. You can contact me through my website www.markandreas.com if you'd like to explore this or other ways to support your son.
@@MarkAndreas1 thank you 🥲
@@SB-md4tt I tried twice responding to your email to me, and I’m getting this message: “Your message wasn't delivered because the address couldn't be found, or is unable to receive mail.” Email me if you get it fixed or have another email. Here is some of what I wrote:
I’m so sorry to hear about this, sounds really difficult. Can you give me a little more background on your son (send me via email). This will give me some more insight about what resources I can recommend.
One simple and cheap thing, is to get my book Waltzing with Wolverines (what this RUclips video was based on) for tools and strategies you can use to support your son:
www.amazon.com/Waltzing-Wolverines-Connection-Cooperation-Troubled/dp/0996802029
As for Therapy, I am a life coach, not a therapist. I’d be happy to work with him if it seems like a fit, AND he needs to be interested and wanting to work with me. If he’s not, I’d be happy to work with you, to teach you things that could be helpful to you in supporting him, and also supporting yourself through the challenges. There’s a lot you can get from the book above, with lots of examples to make it more accessible how to implement these strategies to support kids, and coaching with me makes it easier how to apply what’s in the book to your specific situation.
If you do want to explore coaching (or your son does) I use a lot of methods that can be really helpful for transforming challenging emotions, habits/behaviors, inner experiences. You can learn more about these methods on my website blog where I share a lot of specific story examples of some of the client work I do/methods I guide people through:
markandreas.com/blog/
And here is a free intro on one of the personal transformation methods I use:
ruclips.net/video/ZT4Dle7pN90/видео.html
I hope these resources are helpful to you!
Warmly,
~Mark
I found it impossible assignment but we gonna have to keep looking for resources in order to help our children I will buy the book and see!:)
I hope you find it useful. After you read it, let me know what you think. Best wishes! Raising kids has no end of challenges!
@@MarkAndreas1 Right yes I'm gonna buy it and let you know my son has a background he has 3 suicide attempts he is just 11 and its a long story but yes I will share how it goes.
@@ilianalara7306 I'm so sorry to hear that. Wishing you all the best. I think raising kids is one of the biggest challenges of life--a journey I've just embarked on with my first (7 months old). I hope you find something useful from my experiences with teens that can help support you and your son.
11:28
So you let them do whatever they felt like doing and pawned off responsibility to the parents therapist...!
No wonder you lasted so long , you were ineffective and didn't ruffle the dear teenagers feathers.
Nice job , help them don't just process them in the future.
I didn't let them do whatever they felt like doing, absolutely not. I made it very clear what my expectations were, and enforced those expectations when they were broken. However I also didn't pretend to have control over things that I had no control over, and did my best to help kids to realize their own responsibility. As far as the assignment, it was given by the therapist, so absolutely that is between them and their therapist. Yes, you could hold a gun to a teen's head and make them do an assignment, but that isn't therapy that's forced obedience.