60 Characteristics of Complex Trauma - Part 15/33 - Negative and Critical
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- Опубликовано: 30 сен 2024
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Many who have experienced Complex Trauma develop a negative and critical mindset, where they habitually find fault with almost everything. Why is that so? Is it a big deal? What can they do to change?
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I agree it feels weird at first, transitioning to a healthier mindset. One therapist I truly admire always says- if being healthy means being corny, then be corny
corny is a great description, perfect word to use for how i feel trying to be positive. i notice as soon as i apply this change in mindset, the universe tries to shit-test me. most people are not content until they get a negative reaction. energy vampires everywhere. i can start my day with 100% patience levels but it is difficult to maintain that level until bedtime. all day long notice your interactions gradually declining in positivity.
Corny can get us by, but finding the reality in whatever positive experiences you’re going through can pay ALOT of dividends as time goes along, when inevitably we get stuck again.
The reason why it feels corny is because many of the people that are examples of this are only superficially so. People that might say "wow, that's so great" to a child's project, and then the same week might (censored) their mother for 5 seconds of pleasure, further disturbing their family life. You're not crazy, this culture is out of whack
But that's not an excuse to give up, certainly now, now that you're recovering and people are ready to hear the hard truth. You have to instead go deep into the positive, *agape* which is self sacrificing love. Not putting lipstick on a pig, but actually being ready to sacrifice for people. Your readiness will shine through.
Dr Kirk Honda 🖤🖤🖤
@@ShipFantastic yes!! 😭🩶
I grew up in a home where my mother was critical about everyone. Listening to the negativity on a daily basis definitely put a dark view on everyone who crossed my path.
Thank you for this. I now have a better understanding of this mindset.
The funny thing is even negative people don't want to be around negative people it's draining
I can relate to this.
My mom is the same way, I was never allowed to let my friends come in even to the garage without her freaking out telling me that my friends were after me and stuff, I never had any friend try to take advantage of me or her biggest fear “they will look at your sisters!!” That’s one ugly behavior of her that I didn’t want to have but the more I look at my life the more I think I have the same exact trait. It’s very sad bc that’s not who I think I am.
@@adl9705 we have to remember that the very fact that we're doing such painful work on ourselves, and seeing their flaws reflected in ourselves, is proof that although our character isn't always what we'd like, we want to be 'good' and not 'bad'. Otherwise, I find myself in a constant loop of rumination and negativity. Remember, we did whatever we did in our lives because we were submerged in this behaviour from the day we were born. That's a long time to be indoctrinated in critical, flawed and judgmental thinking, not to mention guilt and shame.
@@mizread so true!! thank you!
Dude did an hour video on each of 60 aspects of Complex Trauma 😳 and people wonder why its so hard to heal... 💀💀💀
When really want something as bad as you want to breath you’ll see stuff like this and think it’s a treasure chest. If you’re not ready you’ll find an excuse. ❤
I don’t think there are enough years left for me to heal
@@CarolloriI feel the same
Healing is a CHOICE
Complex trauma is definately where I am. So glad I came across this wise fella. Let the journey 👣 on the road of healing begin 💟✝️☮️❤️❤️
My parents were both so angry. I feel so sorry for the sensitive, sweet natured child I was born. I became withdrawn and sarcastic and nihilistic like my father. It was almost constant negativity. I feel like I'm starting from zero to change my way if thinking. 😢
But, you ARE starting. You deserve to be kind to yourself. I was nasty to myself, until a wonderful therapist said" you're very mean to yourself"- you deserve kindness- nothing else"! She was so gentle and said it so authentically, that I've never forgotten it. I started to catch myself, when I'm beating up on myself, and it has helped me start to like myself, finally. I know I'm not perfect, and never will be, but I can like, and then love myself. I took some steps, and I feel better. Take Baby steps, and you'll see the wonderful results. Better late, than never, right?😊
@@elizabethy2912 I have ben able to change this for almost 2 years now, until I got into my apprenticeship. Then it started to become worse because all kinds of horrible things came up in my mind.
@@elizabethy2912when you catch yourself thinking negatively about yourself, how do you in that moment correct your thinking? when i catch myself thinking that way i just think “ i shouldn’t be thinking that” but it feels fake and forced.
@@Muck-qy2oo Yeah, but you have go into talking positively, like you would yourself as a little kid. Life happens and things aren't going to go perfectly, but you have to find a way to shrug off the goof- ups and give yourself the grace to screw- up. Other people screw up. So, can we, and be okay. It's not the end of the world. Maybe by getting a different perspective by that therapist, helped me to look at ALL my behaviors, and give grace. It feels so much better than beating up on myself- which made me feel horrible-pure misery. I hope you can give yourself grace in ALL circumstances. You're worth it!, just the way you are.
@@catsandd0gs605 Yeah. It did, but I found myself faking it until I started to believe it. It feels so much better than the old way. I've found it only gets better the more you practice this kindness thing to yourself. I wish the best to you, and to all the parts of you that may think they need to be beaten up on!!
CPTSD is devastating. It’s not narcissism but it looks like narcissism, it’s dying inside all the time. Throw in some judgmental religion, physical abuse, and being bullied in school you have entered hell, for life. It destroys relationships, and in the end you realize you’re perpetually alone with nothing but your feelings of abandonment. My life in a nutshell.
Mine too 😓😔
Same...
Same here. I’m grateful for Jesus in my life though and don’t know what I would do without Him.
Ditto 😢 gotta keep trying and fighting for healing tho ❤
looks like it somes all up I'm about to post and almost turn RUclips to Twitter. Thank you!
The SOB in my head rips on me, every thing I do, any mistake I make: 24 hours a day. Literally.
Been attacking me for decades.
I also catastrophise about what's to come like a pro.
@ROOKTABULA Which parent ridiculed you verbally?
It's the same for me. I even keep mental track of the things I did or didn't do in a day.
@@KatWoodland You mean: Which one rdiculed, beat, terrorized, mocked in public, hit in public, denigrated constantly from age 2 to 25 and then made 2 attempts on my life and stalked my spouse and I for 15 months when I was in my mid 30s? The POS who finally died 2 weeks: _"dad"._
@@cozypilgrim8530 I've gotten so bad that I've gone from running a business for decades as an entertainer, being an on call educator for the same 2 decades and having been a recording and gigging musician to a meatbag who is too scared to try anything.
it can take me weeks, months or years, literally, to open emails, wire up a piece of gear that needs a repair or even play guitar or a vid game because I'm so sure it'll go badly or that I'll fuhk it up.
@@KatWoodland I replied but the frigging uploader deleted my reply
At 60 ish I’m still trying to get away from this from my childhood
💕
You are not the only one. Sometime one lifetime is not enough
❤
Amazing how you Analyze with such compassion
I often don't feel like he's being very compassionate when he says it, but I'm willing to admit that what he says hurts because I feel called out :(
I noticed that too, there is so much compassion and love in his extremely accurate analysis of trauma! Love and understanding are the balance that are needed for healing...I hope his work reaches many many people.
@@billyb4790at times he relies on violent vocabulary, "victim blame mentality" is one that comes to mind.
@@Doppelgangering yeah it's been a year later and I've listened to a lot of his stuff. At first I was entranced, but then after a while I got the impression he was just rambling on and on. After a while it didn't seem like anything he had to say was valid because he's saying anything could be a mental illness. I start to get skeptical once that happens.
This guy is really speaking to the hurt that so many people suffer from.
We can readily trace 5 generations of trauma in my family... no doubt there are many more. Hugely sad. My psychologist once told me I had "unrelenting high standards"... though in me it's mostly of myself, not of others. But man is it hard, at 60, to still be dealing with this stuff... for my brain to **still** not feel safe, even in the loving household that I've created...😢
Empathy and respect must be taught
I hear your 💕
❤
😢 sorry to hear. We’re all out here just trying to love and be loved ❤️🥹
I won't feel safe in my coffin.
It gets better when you accept this truth: no one gets what they "deserve"
38:00 How Do We Heal, change?
1. Start With Mindfulness "chatch tourself becoming negative/critical." Stop yourself and choose to see the possitive.
A. ID the patterns
B. Choose to stop yourself "is dangerous not to”
C. Commit to focus on my issues
D. Work towards seeing others Accurately. Have somebody that you trust to help you learn to have a healthy assessment of people.
Tnx 👍🏻💕
And not a single person wants to admit “what if those views are correct”. This world isn’t great. You’re paying to live here while every other creature does so freely. You need a license to hunt to feed yourself. Name a wolf that has a up to date license. Wom3n are superficial yet want a man that makes 600k when they provide nothing? What’s the positive in that? 😂😂😂 you’re also the only creatures that have to buy affection. 😂
Problem is some of us don't have positives to look at. Being a short ugly guy is nothing to be happy about
What I find helpful is tracing back to the origin of the negative thought. That place where we like to beat ourselves up about. First, you have to realize that having those negative thoughts about oneself is hurting you THEN at that very moment when you acknowledge the negative thought trace it back to its origin.
For example, you are walking down the street and you see a person wearing something similar to something you may have worn. You realize when you wore that item it had a negative impact on your life and you take a deep dive into that negative head space without even realizing what it was that triggered it. By going back the instant you acknowledge the negative thought IMMEDIATELY trace the origin of that thought right then and there.
This is always an "aHA!" moment more me and the negative head space doesn't have the bite it originally did.
Thanks for that x
Why do I hate myself so much? I don't tell anyone, but I hate myself for all my bad choices.
Hating yourself for your bad choices is dealing with accepting and forgiveness. You must first accept what has happened, let it go and forgive yourself and do your best to move on. It's not going to be easy but it can be done. Always remember that we cannot change our past so another huge thing that you'll need to do is to start loving yourself. Be good to yourself and treat yourself well.
MAY THE GREAT SPIRIT BE WITH YOU ALWAYS
You are not your choices. Mistakes are made, and often enough, what we perceive as a choice, most of the time really isn't one. Especially choices made when anxious are often made heuristically (that is: you stick with the choice or one of the choices you made before) which isn't really choosing at all, see?
it can be really helpful to make it your mission --yes, to choose-- to change how you feel about the freedom of choice. You are likely to find that, as you realize more and more how little we do is based on choice, you also become less harsh to yourself.
You are not who you were. Who you were is what became who you are. Your choices today are the ones that matter, because now you have a choice to choose.
We live in a bit of a strange time, when we see people's past choices catch up with them very publicly. And we see people rush to pick up the first stone to judge them and punish them. Not that they shouldn't be, but that's why we have courts. One of the few sensible things in the bible are alledged words of JC, saying "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone". Meaning, of course, that none of them had the right to cast any stone at all, because we all make mistakes, we all sin, we all hurt people by mistake, ourselves by mistake, give in to our vices...
oh well, you didn't ask for this subreply therapy session so I'll get off it..
Don't find reasons not to hate.. find reasons to love!
Shame
Me too. And the negative voices aren't mine they are from my family. They all have score cards.
You're not alone. I've made some bad choices which resulted in self hatred too. The good news we now have an understanding of why, so that's one step in the right direction.
I walked away from family- after parents are gone. Holidays alone for several years. Reunited with one sibling and her family. I prayed and prayed for this...Thank you God.
I didn’t walk away as much as I was taken away. My younger sister was thankfully adopted and but I lost track of her for years until her 20’s. We eventually lived together as adults as well as some of my cousins. I felt so deprived of family as a child and it was the best feeling I’ve ever had in my life having that time with my family members.
Lmfao why you praying to an imaginary god for?
@@kool4209No need to be mean.
Not kool mane@@kool4209
I pray that you continue to make these videos. I have watched several of your videos and they have helped me so much. Your are exactly right on everything!!! I absolutely love the Christian piece.
Lmfao you christains need to reevaluate your lives.
Ephesians 6:5-8
New International Version
5 Slaves, obey your earthly masters with respect and fear, and with sincerity of heart, just as you would obey Christ. 6 Obey them not only to win their favor when their eye is on you, but as slaves of Christ, doing the will of God from your heart. 7 Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not people, 8 because you know that the Lord will reward each one for whatever good they do, whether they are slave or free.
You described my childhood. All of this so heartbreaking.
Embrace the heartache. That's what healing feels like.
@@jcepri 🙂
My father was angry almost all the time and found fault with everyone, almost never himself. He was extremely critical of us. Total narcissist. I try not to be like him but some of it rubbed off on me. Thanks for this video. It makes a lot of sense.
And so were his parents’ parents’ parents’ parents’ how far back do you want to go.
Plus wars on own soil unless Anglosphere, then it was inflicting genocide.
This man exposed my whole family 💀 I now understand their behavior
Boy, does this ever ring true. It's so subliminal. Unbelievable how accurate he is.
I thought I was negative and critical, but then I found out I was right and now I wish I was wrong.
You don't know how much you are helping many current and future sufferers and not only them but also their friends and families
It's sad how sick we are as a society. I'm glad this content exists to hopefully heal us all.
In this current day, never allow sociopaths and psychopaths to gaslight you into silence or into smiling like a Manchurian candidate, if or when you notice their negative deeds or the actual unsafe nature of your current environment. Maslow's hierarchy of needs requires you to be situationally aware and act accordingly as a foundational requirement before you can build anything else upon it.... Once you are in better safer circumstances, (which may require significant time to get there...blighted zone, abusive caretakers/family, famine, drugs, gangs, war, etc...) then you can take in your newer safer stable surroundings to hopefully de-stress and recharge your batteries...because you can't remain at a 10 on "red alert" forever....lol.
1. Proper balanced situational awareness
2. Seek and attain a truly safe and secure environment.
3. Maintain balance. Noticing danger and red flags isn't you malfunctioning...but staying 24/7 on high alert in a bad situation will drain your batteries.
4.Getting to safety may take time...years and years. Don't let anyone unfamiliar with your level of experienced violence lecture or guilt you into....blind, dangerous, ignorance/learned helplessness...even if they have several degrees, titles or Ferraris in their garages. You can only heal and progress when you are truly in a solid stable safe environment with solid stable safe people.
5. Work to insure your situational awareness sensors are working properly (balanced), then trust yourself. God bless.✌️
I remember as a 3 year old being chastised by my mom for wetting my bed. Even then, as a child, I was surprised to be punished for something I couldn't control. I currently have every symptom mentioned here. Worst thing is my brain defaults to this thinking. Thou Im working very hard to change
Where were these video's 40 years ago? I'm the poster boy for these video's. I've been lucky that I've been able to heal and now I have a great life. People are so lucky they can get this kind of help easier to help their lives.
Exactly! 👌🙏
How’d you heal?
@@charlie64x2 I worked hard so I could have freedom to move on from toxic people. STEM helped focus my brain in my younger days. In my early 50's I was able to come to terms with my childhood and finally relax. Reading papers about the effects on a Childs brain from childhood abuse also helped me realize that it wasn't my fault. If you work on it you can look forward to a care free life in your retirement years. I didn't bring children into this awful world and that gives me a sense of peace.
That looks so much like my parents and me. I always look at my failures and I am incapable of seeing positive things in what I do or did. I can not relate to something like success or right things I did. I can only see the bad stuff and I always tried to become better until I got to exhausted with this.
I always look at every situation from a standpoint of, I'm going to be taken advantage of, they're out to get me, I'm being screwed..... etc.
There’s so much talk about complex trauma that it has become overwhelmingly complicated to the point where you just lose any interest in it. What bothers me more than anything else, is that they talk about trauma ad nauseam, but I have yet to hear from psychologists, psychiatrists, and psychotherapists about the direct means by which a person can free himself or herself from trauma. For the love of God, what are the direct psychotherapeutic means by which a person can liberate trauma? And if a person has trauma, say, from childhood abuse, and another person gets it from a car accident, since they are both trauma, why shouldn’t there be a psychotherapeutic method that addresses trauma regardless of its origins? Apparently, Pastor Fletcher developed a list of 60 Characteristics of Complex Trauma. Really??! OK, and what has he developed in order to free oneself from trauma? Does he know what it means to be a wounded healer? Does he know what legitimate suffering means? I’m almost sure he doesn’t know either one because he’s never experienced it. I’m sick and tired of hearing mental health providers and pastors talk about all manner of suffering yet say nothing about how to heal it. For Christ sake, where are the Carl Jung’s and Freud’s of today? Why is it taking so long to address trauma? What makes us think that we cannot free ourselves from trauma? Mental health providers are stuck with their own retrograde psychological theories that simply don’t work. In fact, it’s making people suffer even more than they already are. Another thing that upsets me is that whenever you see a therapist, the onus is on you for having trauma yet nothing is said about the social-economic and political world we live in that causes trauma. They regard these forces as a difference that makes no difference when in reality it makes all the difference. You cannot develop your emotional, psychological, and spiritual potential if you’re living in a sick society. If the vast majority of people knew just how bad it really is, they would be mad as hell about and create movement so large, it would make the civil rights movement pale by comparison. Needless to say, I’m not hopeful towards the future. if we don’t deal with the dark side of capitalism, politics, religion, families, and find the means to develop our full, creative potential, the future of humanity looks quite grim.
You could read “the body keeps the score” a book by Bessel Van Der Kolk in which he explains the impact of trauma on body and also suggest different techniques on how to approach the journey of healing. He states clearly that in order to heal trauma you have to work on your body, mind and soul together. Dancing, practicing yoga (or Thai chi, capoeira…), journaling, taking care of an animal… very useful and insightful
Another book that helped me deeply was You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay, with a more holistic approach
Sounds like u have alot of trauma and lack of accountability on how your attitude contributes to that.
You are so right about the disenfranchisement of human beings in our society. This is where our dysfunctional families behaviors stem from and social workers do understand this and don’t judge like so many other professionals do. We still have to own our potential within the circumstances … faith and resilience…. Social workers work with those as the greatest resources in ANY circumstances 😘
Im not sure how this ended up on my for you stuff but CBT helps. I figured this out years ago. I now complain for a day or two then I find a reason to laugh at the crap that happens or goes wrong. Don't dwell on BS and laugh at it. Life gets better when you learn to laugh at crap you can't control. Also avoid all undue drama.
man. tim. you are just exposing my every shhtty part.
i'll persevere.
😂❤🎯 me too!
That also comes from being an Empath and not knowing it from childhood. We pick up energy off others and often times it feels very directed at you. Therefore you always feel blamed for everyone else's unregulated emotions. This also contributes to CPTSD....this is why many are triggered to so many things they are triggered by a "feeling" they think others caused them.
Everyone reads other people’s emotions, attitudes, and feelings. Literally a universal thing. It is usually just called being a sensitive person. But you’re correct in the sense that the most sensitive people are the ones affected most by cptsd.
No such thing as an empath. A narcissistic label, an excuse to feel morally and emotionally superior
Empath is a label people use to make themselves morally and emotionally superior
@@augie5970 Triggered. There is no such thing as an empath. It's a narcissistic term that makes them feel morally and emotionally superior
It's a defense mechanism we can read people so well because it keeps us safe.
I used to be that negative and critical person - and over time I've realized that and I've cut negative people out of my life as they're a negative influence. I'm starting to dating someone who I think is a really good fit, though I am starting to see he has a very negative side. We'll see how it goes, but this time I think I will try to be the cheerful one and lead by example.
My mother acts like this & she is always acts like the victim and blames everyone else and doesn't take responsibility for what she does. She is always puts me down, and she is always complaining all the time. She is negative.
Same 🤦
What kinds of things does she complain about?
Do you do as you are told, yet she complains regardless?
The traffic lights not being timed properly... I live in such a city. I've been struggling with it ever since I learned to ride a bicycle. Skipping red lights became one of my bad habits. Whenever everything goes red for minutes on end, I wait until everything stands still, no cops, and there I go. I absolutely hate doing it. But what I hate even more are dumb programmed traffic lights wasting everybody's time. Especially in the rain. Then I haven't even started about those idiots who block your way or cut you off or ignore your priority. Or or the unattentive brainwashed phone zombies. Disgusting. This is in a nutshell my roadrage on a bicycle.
Then I enter the grocery store, or a supermarket, already fueled by the road rage. I know all their flaws, and still I can get an outburst whenever it all fails again and I have to spend and waste time waiting in the line to pay for my food. I come there with the expectation that the checkout will fail again, 9 out of 10 times.
These are my daily struggles. It became structural. And I really have difficulties to get this behaviour out of my system. I have a difficulty in remaining friendly and grounded. Sometimes it works, sometimes I explode on the road, or in a store.
To most people it doesn't seem like it, but I'm trying my best to not to explode all the time. And I'm desperately trying to change this behaviour. It's not the world. It's not the store. It's not the traffic. It's me. It's that damned CPTSD still messing with my head, what's causing this behaviour. It's no excuse. But it explains so much.
My mom was always looking for danger she always thought people were potential creeps etc. having radar is good but assuming everyone is probably not right was confusing for a kid
Idk in today’s society, more often than not, they are.
I struggle to see things any other way. Where I come from, being negative was "smart". If you were any other way than negative, you were a fool and a phony.
I'm not sure how to break free from this in any authentic manner, but I'm trying.
maybe ask is this helping me or hurting me ❤
@@tulinbeyduz920 great advice. Thanks!
♥
@@billyb4790 welcome 🙏
Irrational patterns operate independently of rationality…?
This is spot on. I can feel the negativity and being critical in me but was raised that feeling that way was morally wrong so for me it feels like a shame sandwich.
Shame sandwich!
yes! well said! So we get negative about how negative we are lol.
Ugh, it's so brutal.
❤ God Bless ❤❤
Tim is a Genius! This is what I've been trying to find.
100 % I would not have made some of these connections
I, too, was rather fascinated at how accurately this man was describing my tendencies. Though, I suspect most or all people experience this to varying degrees.
My only question now is what to do about it. Any ideas 💡 ??
Since my early childhood I felt deeply ashamed to play sports, especially Football ⚽ so that the only goal was not to mess it up, do things right and get out of the match asap before a mistake led to humiliation. I was also bullied, I was chubby. I never got to enjoy an activity in a free way, the shame was always the big monster round the corner. My emotional absent mother and my alcoholic father helped a lot. I would return from school every evening to cry my heart out on my bed, a thing my mother never noticed. My failures as a teenager led to my solitary existence till today almost 42 y/o. I'm struggling with loneliness more than ever before. Though I made certain achievements, the feeling is always the same: I'm not good enough. Failed as an English teacher. Failed in the Company. Failed at the shop I inherited. Failed at love miserably.
Hi.. im 40 and in your same position. My life is failure after failure, struggling with mental health at a young age, but nobody cared, and I wasn't diagnosed with depression and AD. My family started to rot inside when I was 11, but from the outside, everything's had to look normal, so a child being manifesting the problem was unacceptable, it was as though I was trained to tell psychologists that the cause of every bad was me. I strongly believed this.. I couldn't even remember the abuse I got, so i started to write it down. But. I couldn't even believe my writings.. I locked myself in a house for decades, unable to study, pursuing a career, finding a job, finding love.. at 30 as I started to go out of the shell, life was horribly cruel to me.. like, I was a joke.. And finally I had an incident which could take my life, instead I remembered all the abuse I got in my life. It didn't make me less miserable. I still feel paralyzed by thoughts of being wrong in anything I do. My mother and father are still my bullies. But I'm here, I'm alive, I'm myself. I take your hand in my hands. Thank you, I am less lonely because of you!❤❤
@@ipercalisse579 love it
Thank you, immensely, for separating the therapy approach to the topic and the Christian approach to the topic.
I LOVE your videos, they have brought so much clarity and insight. Which has helped me make some small but significant changes in the way i talk to myself and my daughter.
I want to state categorically that I strongly disagree with the association between CPTSD and constant negativity towards others. I see more cases of inner negativity and serious self doubt combined with a collapse in self belief systems.
Yes, it sure does do a lot of damage to children growing up with a negative and critical parent. That’s why I never feel good enough. Not enough validation and an environment of emotional unsafety will definitely have a detrimental effect on a persons mental health and self esteem when they are raised in this way, i am a prime example.
I agree, it’s incredibly sad, especially since so many go on to hurt their own children, and on and on it all goes.❤
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
♥
I'm afraid I am also.
Oh my goodness! This is profoundly relatable. Being that I'm in the early stages of therapy for complex trauma, this found me at the perfect time. I'm 44 this year and battled with myself all these years after being a victim of SA in my teens. As well as difficulties in my relationship with my parents I've struggled so much.
Hearing this hits so much.
You are not alone!❤
My daughter told me recently that the damage my mother did has trickled down to her. That makes me very sad. I tried very hard to prevent that, but apparently I didn’t succeed.
How good that she was able to let you know how something has affected her. These things are so difficult to talk about. Good on you for creating a safe space and being a safe person for your daughter to share her pain
The damage my gramma's emotional abuse of my mom and her sisters also trickled down to me, BUT my mom DID succeed. She is loving and not abusive. She is 'only' neurotic. She fought and fought to not do all the horrible things my gramma did. Mom thinks we're people and we're allowed to feel however we feel. She NEVER played the 'start fights just to have drama and argue in circles for hours' game. She made sure we had locks on our bedroom doors and let our bedrooms be our safe space---as opposed to gramma who would follow you screaming through the house and even out into the street at 3am in the morning at least twice a week.
(I think gramma had some weird combo of histrionic/borderline disorder).
I look at what my mom came from and I think she's a G.D. SuperHero❤
Because of her, I got a better launch at emotional intelligence. It's like she climbed 2/3rds of the mountain so I had a chance to get to the summit---there's still cliffs I need to climb but I'm in a much better place than I would be otherwise. I only had to deal with my mom's neurotic anxieties that I thought were 'reasonable and obvious logic' growing up. Seriously, I'm on easy mode.
@@FallacyBitesYour comment gives me hope that my 27 year old daughter & 29 year old son will be okay.
I have been so worried about them, being affected by my mother, though they are states away.
I give them their space to have their own lives.
I recently researched that my 85 year old widowed mother is probably a Covert Narcissist.
I haven't told them outright, but they know Gramma stopped talking to us for several weeks now, (which has never happened before). Discarded, I believe, because I was seeing through the manipulation & her saying that my husband "despises" her ( when he has put up with her nonsense for years).
The more non-reactive I got to her passive-aggressive jabs, the bolder she got in jabbing.
I was super shy in school & still struggle with social anxiety at 63. Learning about all this has been eye-opening.
@@CH-1984 a Covert Narcissist? That is a nightmare. Friend of mine's ex was one and it took even longer for her to get away than otherwise cuz they're subtle and So Good at appearing reasonable to everyone else, all while making you look crazy.
You have my sympathy ❤️
I found myself becoming reclusive, cyclical, and angry the older I got. And would get so concerned that I need to get committed. I used to be a huggy person, never met a stranger type. I isolate. And so self critical. I have a hard time hugging my own kids.
Same.. it gets worse when you age I think.... Don't wanna have kids cause I'll probably treat them like shit
I feel you were talking directly to me today...and here I thought I was in a better place with healing, however, I see I'm damaged beyond my capabilities and my tools I need I don't have
This one really stung me as well. I felt totally called out. The good news is we can heal and those tools can be acquired. It might take some time and a lot of work but it can be done. In just 4 months I've really come a long way. I can't wait to see myself in 2 years :)
Learning about mirror neurons. Careful what we watch online. Add that to what he's saying here
We must learn on the journey. I know it feels heart breaking at times. I know it feels overwhelming and that no one cares.
Cptsd is a painful experience. we are in healing mode.
All I can offer is that when we are depressed, tired of carrying regrets, our body is in a posture like eyeore (Winnie the Pooh lol) stand proud hands on hips.. behind head..
Tony Robbins talks about changing our state. Think of things that we Are proud of even Something small and what feels exciting even a bike ride or a warm meal.. expand on that state change physiology
changes emotions and actions.
Seeing traits I picked up along the way from a lot of narcy abuse, sometimes feel you have to become it in this system.. isolating avoiding inner confusion yuck! Changing state and having mentors like listening to Tony and not too much on labelling ourselves (bc it feels like how the heck do I change what’s become ‘normal’),
helps to ‘overcome’ my negativity doing his priming exercise on you tube almost daily.. we are progressing adding little ‘good’ habits till it becomes who we Are.
Even writing down the neggy things I say in my head day to day. Realising that dialogue isn’t helping me to level up out of the past or be who I desire to be.
You do have the tools , look deeper.
Hominid life is a zero sum game. Period. Whether you’re a genius, pauper, celebrity, convict, parent, success or a failure, WE ALL lose. Ultimately folks, go live life fully n’ exist in spite of being a broken soul (we all are) and do good before you die. Do GOOD no matter what - always. ✌️ A’ho
whats the difference between "a broken soul" and a normal one. like what's the yardstick you're using
Took me 64 years to turn it off and be at peace.
How did you do it
Good I only have 3 more years❣️❣️❣️
@juliaoconnor5688 I cut all ties to the ppl who lied and punished me. I live my own life now with all new characters in it, like a play. If stuff isn't fun, I don't do it.
I’ve listened to so many other vids from you - but this one is the most powerful even for just understanding others
I would love to have a more positive outlook, but people keep proving their negative intent.
Thank you for the information. I pray for myself, I came from a very toxic family, my mind and emotions are all messed up man, I try to ask Jesus to help and heal me one day at a time. My emotions are damage, my soul feels so damage as well as my mind. Because of my toxic childhood. Please anyone that believe in Jesus Christ pray for me.
Jesus won't save you.
I will pray for you. He loves you.
I do most of what he said. I have a diagnosis of level 1 ASD from 2022, but I think it’s a misdiagnosis. I think I have something else instead. This video is validation as to why I think I have complex trauma. One of my internship supervisors told me that I couldn’t have complex trauma because what I lived through isn’t severe enough and it felt so invalidating and she’s not even a mental health professional. Listening to this video was very validating. Thank you. ✨
Complex is ongoing and the deficiencies that are ongoing are severe… that person who told you it wasn’t severe is very likely someone with unresolved issues themselves.
Tim really connects the dots...through with an understandable delivery.
Thank you.
I find I am hyper critical against myself. I only blame myself….a lot.
Me too
I used to be so much happier and now at 52 i am a total fucking grouchy old man. I walk around pissed off more than half the time. My internal dialogue is mean. I call myself a dubass constantly. I hate who i have become. Add to this I raised my son by myself and probably fucked him up big time. One day it will all be over
My mother outlawed laughter in our house! I think she imagined it was at her. 😢 such a sad prison i grew up in.
What a shame. I'm sorry 😢
I know we are supposed to have empathy because we don't know what they went through as children but it's very difficult
"It is my fault" means that I'm the origin, which means that I'm in control. Shame is a control mechanism, with the intent to experience security.
This needs to be taken into account in any attempt to heal.
Losing shame means losing perceived security. It's an identity loss. And if you believe that you are the identity, its loss is an existential threat.
You need to handle all these aspects in order to successfully heal shame or trauma.
Trauma gives identity, and thus (perceived) security. Removing trauma means removing identity, which means removing (perceived) security.
If you are not careful, the attempt to heal trauma can easily become violent. You need to endure identity loss without getting lost yourself. So you need to know that you are not that identity, even if there are still strong inclinations to do so.
If the client believes to be those structures, removing these structures is an existential threat. And it's healthy to defend against an existential threat. But this defense means more unhealthy structures. To just pretend that it isn't an existential threat is dissociation, or another breach of integrity boundaries.
The client likely will oscillate between several states for a while. A meta level is needed: the awareness that these structures are not all there is.
One thing that helps in this is to acknowledge that these structures mean well, but simply don't suffice. Maybe they were the best the child could come up with back then, but now you know better.
There needs to be awareness of the meta levels in order to successfully heal trauma.
I cannot state strongly enough how much this video has helped me. Thank you for this.
Great video. I used to lie to my dad constantly and now I know why. He was a pretty scary guy to be judged by. He put me in on therapy for my "lying problem." If only he'd gone to therapy instead... Good grief 😔
Today on Mother's Day, I recall my Mom being so pleased of the change in me. The changes you talked about cut off the path of hell.
❤
Man. Negative and critical and super sarcastic. That’s been me Since I was a teen. I watched this and realized what an asshole and downer I am to many people in my life.
You described and explained three generations back in me life and my last 30 years of life, appreciate your honest and clear explanation, I see now 🌻
One of the BEST narrators bar none! ❤📖❤
Thank you!😊
I grew up with both of my parents being Narcissists
My mother does that self righteous arena by being in the cult of Jehovah's Witnesses and her whole mantra was kids should seen not heard. ..I began to Loathe being around her energy and struggle not to hate to this day
I just appreciate you so much. Thank you for such clarity and bringing it all in such an easy, digestible and emotionally stable way that it is easy to just reflect on. I also appreciate the Christian reflections. They are so meaningful to me.
👍💖
Men love to be appreciated. Make sure you tell your man
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
THIS has been a really good topic for me.
It addresses a lot of unanswered questions I have been wrestling with for years.
Thank you, Tim👍🙏
I feel grateful to learn and heal, no matter how long it takes. I love this man’s wisdom; so much better than therapists I that paid when I hardly had money to spare, (some even used sessions to vent their own problems). What a tremendous blessing to find this amazing, free, Christian (but not preachy) therapy.
Why are we like this??? Because we are fucking terrified of the world around us! Because we can't walk out the door without agoraphobic gripping fear! I've become like a wild animal. I'm always on edge, always anxious, and will freak out on a dime. I'm VERY negative all the time and my family hates it.
Edit 1:*continues to watch video where he uses more complex terms to say the same thing I just said*
Edit 2: This man just destroyed me, and my entire family structure. My family are kings and queens of gaslighting and I grew up with that every day. My dad yelled about everything. This shit is so familiar to me, it's un-freaking-real. I wouldn't know an ounce of self-respect if it kicked me in the face...
Edit 3: The end is where I disagree with this man. I am extremely altruistic, to a fault in fact. I just spent 200 dollars on my roommate because she's having a rough time, and I'm not sure how I'm going to eat at the end of the month... I want to fix the entire world, and when I can't, it hurts me inside. If you have a bad day, I'll feel bad about it.
My inner voice is not cruel. It's my materialistic, ego tripping, prideful outer voice that is causing the problem. Let your conscience be your guide!
So are you distracting yourself.....
@@wertschaetzungs.boosterI am not distracted. I am completely focused. Those who do not discipline, instruct and correct others when they are in error, do not love or respect them. Love must be tougher and stronger than the worldly forces that corrupt a soul. Some think this is a meanness (your inner voice!?), but it is really just tough love. Speak the Truth with Love (even though it gets you crucified) is a Scriptural mandate.
Interesting. In a good way.
i don't get it. are you calling "your outer voice" your parents? or literally you but things you say out loud?
@@こなた-m1o one's "inner voice" would be a spirit based consciousness that is endowed to all mankind by the creator. It is nurtured, cultivated, trained and controlled (or should be).The "outer voice" can be regarded as those emotional reactions to the world around us. For example:an inner voice could be cultivated by quiet, practiced meditation on an isolated mountain
peak while the "outer voice" might be heard as a road rage response to a freeway traffic jam. The "outer voice" is an uncontrolled response to the human passions: Pride, Envy, Wrath, Sloth, licentiousness, averous and gluttony; the seven deadly sins.
I am startimg to heal with your lectures
Thank you
You are so good , I have learned over the years to change my self belief after having a traumatic childhood but every thing you are saying is like a booster to my beliefs because you can so easily slip back. Into the negative subconscious beliefs I have just found you but l will be listening to you a lot from now on Thankyou so much
You do realize that black people and “indigenous” people can also be racist. And, an observant religious person should not have much contact with the non religious except for as they navigate the world. Not married for sure.
@16:21 u hit the nail right on its head! By being a pastor i think u must relate to this as well... i spent yearsss trying to please my freaking priest. He was overly critical of everything, to the smallest details.. i felt soo tensed around him like i was so scared of him.. what he said affected almost EVERY part of my life.. until i stopped giving him that power and realized man got his own issues :/ i pray for him tho but like fr he was too much!!😩😩
Re. 18.28, indigenous people can be of ANY RACE. White English people are indigenous to England and Swedish people are indigenous to Sweden etc etc etc. America was invaded by northern Europeans, so it makes sense for the word indigenous to mean non-white in America, in reference to the native Americans. However, in Europe, the indigenous people are white. There’s more to the world than America!
However, it’s an interesting talk, as always! 👍🏻
He is Canadian. He is speaking correctly from his pov. Stop hating Americans.
Kinda critical for no reason
@@CM7777... lol it's not hate. It's just people is tired of this "minorities are victims" message and the racism going on towards white people.
Because I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life and I HATE myself. I can't deal with the unending pain caused by the fact that I'm a freak who should have never been born.
Wow! You speak to my heart. To the heart of the abused child as well as confused adult. Glad I stumbled upon you. Have made a note. Tim Fletcher. ❤ and a Christian too! This is just wonderful. Exactly what my spirit needs.. Resonating beautifully
Is being negative and critical a bad thing? Sure I had a bad time of it as a kid. I didn't really learn to read until 7th grade. Fat introverted believed to be retarded and unnoticed except for my ability for anger and violence in that I had no peer. There was many things I had to learn about myself over the years and direct my anti social tendencies.
My disposition either through nature or nurture was a destructive path. I was driven by a compulsion for perfection specifically by my critical and negative mindset. By the time I left high school my mother had collected 3 scrap books of accomplishments. I had athletic & academic scholarships and had my own business making 60k a year when I started college. I am now close to retirement in the top 10% have 5 children, married 25 years. I am sure my success would have never happened if I hadn't had forged into something different than most.
If I had choose to be a victim I would have missed so many blessing. I had a sever learning disability that was identified in 7th grade and I started to read. Then I learned I had an exceptional memory... a eidetic memory but I don't know if that is really a thing but I have a bunch of useless crap rolling around in my head. They tested my IQ 5 times in 11th grade and decided it was around 170. All this being said the physical, mental, and sexual abuse I experienced was something no one should have to suffer... luckily it made me strong a true gift from God I have overcome.
Oh no, God did nothing. It is just you, the true God, who was able to do this. You are a narcissist, in fact. Anti-social angry and violent as a child.. 100% How you made the big achievements? You just believed you were entitled to things and took them, all of them, anyone can do it there is obtuse people accomplishing a lot in life, and intelligent people very poor.. you are a Ted Bundy sir, althought you killed nobody, I presume.
I can't belive the process of traumatizing a child who then becomes the negative energy wampire themself can be explained so systematically. Btw I relate to all comments saying it's like Tim speaks directly to them.
So thankful youtube recommended me this series. Praise God! Good luck to everyone on their healing journey ❤
Brilliant lay-out, a cptsd masterclass
Don't listen to the haters. Ur videos really helped me.
The end reminds me of a certain candidate running for president with Jesus not that the candidate is God..but the persecution....
Love Tim but he seems to be biased towards the “father=abusive mother=victim” narrative. As many of us experienced, it happens the other way around too.
To be fair. The roads really are full of idiots.
I changed my inner monologue voice to a anime character, I can’t change it back… send help!
Tim, how then would you define my becoming an empath after such a tough childhood? Cos this trait makes people take advantage of me, I can't fight back or completely cut off toxic relationships 😢
Did this dude just really bring this to racism and religion. I'm outta here ✈️
Voice is affected by trauma. As a voice teacher I was shocked to realize the number of students who had serious voice problems who told me they were seriously abused. You have a serious voice problem. You need to drop your voice to it's natural pitch and raise your soft palette. It makes a very very unpleasant speaking voice. Find A voice coach. It isn't hard to correct. People will take you far more seriously. Your voice is trying to drop, let it do so. It's natural. Let your voice become beautiful. It's natural.
I had one serious inner critic, fairly sure who it was, and a second inner coach who pushes me to better performance. The second voice is mine.
♥
I suffer with addictions and have childhood trauma yet I see the good in everyone and believe talking negatively yields negative results so I'm overly optimistic and TOO good and bouncing back. Where do I look next?
Thank you so much Sir, for these incredibly informative videos. God bless you.
I once asked a Psychologist in a group therapy session whether there is any coverage of the supernatural in the syllabus they study at college. She said no, and I think thats a fault in our education system.
In the road less travelled I find comfort in that Dr M. Scott Peck , considers this as a very bold theme through out his book and how he approached his work.
It seems that healing is definitely a medical/physical , Psychological, Emotional and Spiritual endevour and there doesnt seem like you can discount any of these aspects.
As a result im more comfortable when I know that the therapist attending to my healing believes in God, coz otherwise we end up going in circles. Its no wonder to me that the 12 stepts work. Look at what is the common theme in all of them? Yes ,you get it.
I've had a lot of trauma. My dad however is exactly like the negative person explained here. It's like the whole world is ending. The drought in the 80s that never came but we had to shut the water off in between washing etc... Sometimes it was worse than others if I don't placate him he'll throw a tantrum . Always a victim.
This was amazing information I needed to hear. Thank you so much
These videos are incredibly insightful.
I find them extremely helpful,thank you for sharing your gift.
Because my inner self only absorbs, the negative energy of other people and I really hate that in herself. He’s very angry and I wish he’d shut up.
This has been very helpful to me I only wish I would have known it long ago. Life could've been so much better.
However the good news is that I know it now so life from here on can be so full of potential. It's heartwarming to know it's not too late to be what I could have been.
I deeply appreciate all your efforts to make these videos ❤
Maybe I am too traumatized to understand him correctly but everything I get is that I am making other people miserable because I had a miserable upbringing. He teaches the background quite well but unfortunately nobody has ever been able to tell me how to heal how to be normal. "Everybodys journey and healing is individual... bla bla" - well hell, then just give me a starting point. I dont know how. All people make me feel is that I am not even good enough in recovery. I fail. Always.
He has a series of videos. I haven't searched them all but he is very accurate, so far.
About a minute into this i realized this guy is talking about me. my whole family for that matter.
We need to learn how to breath, and when to bite our lips