how brown parents break your heart 💔
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- Опубликовано: 5 июл 2024
- Elder's anger is a part of their love... my son.
Chapters:
00:00 K3G Reenactment
00:25 Introduction
02:22 Hindering Growth
06:56 Unhealthy Emotional Dependencies
07:30 Enmeshment
09:13 Elders Unchecked Power
10:46 Turning into Benjamin Button
11:15 Infantilization
12:26 Adultification/Parentification
13:20 Emotional Immaturity
15:08 Model Minority
15:19 Mental Health Stigma
15:58 The Facade, Honor Culture
17:14 Conclusion
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I recently divorced a husband whose family was incredibly enmeshed. Everyone was effected. It caused so many mental problems and I just couldn't deal with that as well as the very real repercussions it had between me and my husband. He regressed emotionally and became incredibly toxic. It was so unfortunate. But also being told as a woman that I had a curfew by my in laws and that men can do whatever they wanted was wild. LOL It was just too much. I struggle financially now but I have my peace of mind and that's all that matters
money will come and go but nothing is more sacred than peace of mind.
I’m sorry you dealt with that it sounds really suffocating. Hopefully you find a way to thrive in your independence!
I think I cracked the code! you gotta do really crazy wilddd stuff when youre young and be a huge dissapointment. Then everything you do after that will seem impressive like 'oh you got an arts degree? oh well we didnt think you would graduate high school so fair enough'. But in all seriousness, there is no point in conforming 100% to them, whatever you do will NEVER be enough.
This really is it! unfortunately simply talking is an attack on parents so sometimes it’s about training your parents about your life ambitions early on so that the blow is minimised by the time you get there. It’s not fair on the child to do this especially because how would they understand to do this as a mechanism to ensure their future success? I just remember telling my parents since I was 14 that I wanted to leave our small town and work in a different country and when it came time for me to actually do it at 25… as a girl!!! I was actually able to with no resistance at all.
This happened in a way with us but with marriage. From like 18-30 marry within the culture, 30+ marry whoever you want as long is it is the same religion. My sister who is in her 30s is going to marry a Dominican man who is a Muslim revert. Family is so happy, Allahumma barik, that she is getting married that they don’t even care where he is from lol this whole time of the stress of finding the right brown guy during our younger age was for nothing haha but I’m happy
I’m not brown or desi but I can resonate with this deeply as a daughter of immigrants
God this video knows me so well. As a Sudanese we also go through this
Same. Wishing you the courage and independence to live on your own terms ❤
Same I can relate come from a somali immigrant background 😢
Honestly, sometimes I wonder if it's even possible to love without conditions.
Yeah it’s not naturally human.. it’s an ideal
A mother to a child is closest
@@rimagun I think so too! Or that it should be.
not to be that person but God's love for us in unconditional
There is always a condition, for example you are probably gunna stop liking someone if they become rude/bad person towards you. If you have no baseline standards then you are a pushover or you don't actually love them and just want to keep them around
African households are very similar to what you are describing. It’s soul-crushing 😢
Tazzy, you uploaded this video at the perfect time. I'm literally going through this at the very moment. My parents are keeping me in a container when I want to move out and grow. I'm literally being told that I'm selfish because as a working 28-year-old, it's absurd that I want to finally stand on my own two feet.
Power to you. Going through a similar situation currently, too.
I'm 25, I'm still saving up money and working up the courage for this....😢
This is so so accurate. I wrote a few things you said in my journal yearssss back in high school as a way of self-therapy-ITS REAL. Someone on fb wrote this on subtle curry traits and I feel like it applies here: “Most NRIs cling to their cultural biases and taboos in the name of "retaining" their culture abroad. While people in India have gradually advanced in their mindsets over the years, but NRIs remain where they were when they came in."
And this whole thing of a family unit - a lot of us who grew up in the States or just outside-we didn’t grow up with our relatives the way our parents had. So to hammer down the concept of “family reputation” is intangible in our minds because what do these relatives even know about me, what do I know about them?
Recently I tried telling my father something through a letter (because verbal communication is completely useless and even more traumatizing)-and the man just ripped it up and threw it in the trash. Example 101 of emotional immaturity.
Needless to say, my heart was broken.
Sorry you had to go through that. What parents say and do to a child will traumatise them for life and over time through self therapy we somehow function like a normal human being but I think about how we didn't need to go through what we did. But it does make me want to be a better parent to my child everyday...so I guess there's some balance there!
Most Indian cities have different castes
Like actors will actors
Doctors will marry doctors
Mbas will marry mbas
Engineers marry engineers
We don't have castes anymore
@@Harsha-D311 very very wrong. i have been brought up in the states and casteism in marriage is still very deeply rooted
My mom gets hella weird and says she wishes she could shrink me back down to a fetus and carry me because I was so soothing even during her pregnancy
I never know what to say to that. I don't exist as a separate person to her, just a support creature.
That doesn’t seem weird. As a mother, it’s probably soothing for her to be protective of you. Her fear for you is natural ur responsibility is loving her while also recognizing that she may be too protective and pursuing your own life
This is such a great video. I grew up in a Desi household and it wasn't until I was in my 30s and in therapy when I was told (by my therapist) that I grew up in a dysfunctional family environment. 😒
Im Mexican and this is just my life.
Thanks for the video. I feel traumatised from family experiences. Our culture doesn't let us grow, to utilise our talents and capabilities. We can't be who we want to be.
Your channel is like therapy to me, so thank you for making videos on these topics🥹🫶
they break our hearts and our souls
Thank you for adressing the topic, same issues with north african cultures
I love that you help me name the stuff that goes on in my family
You made me cry. Thanks Tasneem!
Same……
Tazzy you look STUNNING!
Not Tazzy casually returning after 4 months
the South Asian experience here seems pretty similar to growing up a westerner with narcissist parents.
This!! I'm not brown but white Italian, and I see so many similarities between the brown experience you are describing here and growing up in a toxic Catholic/Christian environment, which is my case. Especially the part of self-sacrificing oneself has been such a huge thing in my case (grew up in a conservative catholic household) for a very obvious reason: to be like Jesus. I've experienced this especially with my mum as she had to deserve her mother's love when she was a child herself, and she enacted the same pattern with my and my sisters :/
Lots of south asians have the full shebang of narcissistic family dynamics unfortunately... it seems more common than not almost
@@robotnitchka Yes, I believe in western societies in general it's more an exception than the rule
The suttle palestian kaffer in the background ❤. Loved this video and your thoughts. You hit the nail on the head. X
Tazzy Phe coming through serving face !
Oh Tazzyphe you are so on point. You are totally describing my husband and his side of the family.
The sleeping in a small bed comment spun me! I’m the adult who hasn’t grown 😳
So nice to see you back, and as usual with great and important topics that are healing and inquisitive 🙏
Love your videos! I’m an American who left the USA over 35 years ago and have lived all over
the world. - 😂No regrets. ❤
Thank you for being brave enough to put your head above the parapet to address such an important issue. You are blessed with excellent analytic skills. This was a very meaty topic, I feel you could have made it a mini series!
You are a truthteller, and sometimes the truth is harsh. However, in order for the truth to be effective we need to make it palatable and meet people where they are, and maybe cushion that blow with plenty of love for the culture we have been blessed with and benefited from.
Tazzy phe this video is The story of my life. I am raised in a paksitani household and me and my siblings are going through enmeshment and adultification. I always thought about these problems and would blame myself but would be angry on my parents too. Now you are explaining all that happening. Thank you for this video. Pray for me
too relatable...you summed it all up!
Missed your content a lot, so glad you are back
Man, I've really missed your videos! Welcome back!
On point once again!!!! Queen of being relatable
I’m so glad you made this video, this really is such a serious topic
I love watching your videos! Thank you making them. I watched the the K3G reenactment a few times and it made laugh me out loud!
Welcome back! I have missed your videos 💗
Love your message and makeup girl!
Thank you for being so open and teaching us what you have learned! I'm so happy you uploaded a new video. I was worried you were gone.
this was a really important conversation
Thank you for contextualizing our lived experiences
Appreciate the hard work put into this video❤
Ahhhh you’re back alhumdulillah ❤❤❤heart
Yesss the skits are back too 😭🙏
Tasneem!! Love the makeup, looking gorgeous as always ❤
This video was fantastic 🤍
great video !
I loved the video .
Unrelated but Your makeup is STUNNING in this video. Missed to see your face on my feed. Keep on with the good work.
This video was 👌🏾
I really resonate with this as a gay 24 year old Muslim. I have done everything right - went to Sunday school, prayed, fasted, studied, got degrees, stayed indoors, barely made friends, didn't drink or do drugs, and worked two jobs morning to night seven days a week, yet I'm constantly reminded that it isn't enough because I'm single.
I have tried to talk to my mom about it, but it ends with her threatening to marry me off to a cousin from back home rather than from an American Muslim. She has told me "What did I do to deserve a gay son?!"
The thought of not having my family scares me, confuses me, and terrifies me. On the one hand, I want to try the arranged marriage. On the other hand, they will always have a reason to be disappointed in me; so why bother?
And somehow I have to juggle my faith into all of this. I wish I had my parents' shoulder to lean on.
I hope you are able to find a balance with family relations and paving your own path. Forced marriages are a horrific curse within south asian culture ❤️🩹
Love the skits lol❤
I entered architectural engineering in 2012. The money for semester 1 was 620 thousand rupiah for semester 2 and semester 15 was 720 thousand rupiah. Graduating in 2020 was postponed to 2021 due to COVID-19 and 8 years of graduating during back stabbing, betrayed, unloved, humiliation, manipulation, terrible system. Just working as a freelance contractor. Plus abusive parents are mentally destroyed. As you get older you can't get a decent job and you can't find a soul mate. Want a life ending. In the end, I want to become a RUclipsr. Wakanda is indeed a foreign country. The confined life of Sagittarius. Sorry, venting is not important. Excuse me
Sooo close to 100k girl!! MA ! IA you get there soon 😁😻
Edit: also love this commentary, relatable 🙃😅
Wow! Very well executed👏 oh, so that's what I've been feeling all my life 😂
Would honestly say this dynamic is the norm basically throughout the world, and it's really hyper individualized Scandinavians, Northern Europeans and WASPs that are the weirdo exceptions to the rule (I'm Greek and this vid are my family dynamics too)
Very true. Most of the world is conformist.
"Your cut leader getting arrested"
ded
Missed your skits!!!😂😂😂
Love youuuuuuu ❤❤❤❤
The “aaaaaaAaaaaaaaaahhhaaaaaaaaa” kills me 😂😂😂😂😂
Love it
As an American who lives in Sri Lanka... this exactly describes the situation many of my friends find themselves part of.
Many of them envy my free and independent lifestyle, but see themselves as hopelessly and irrevocably chained to the demands of their families, especially their parents. When someone comes to me with a complaint about the demand from some distant auntie or uncle or cousin for money, or a new roof, or a new motorcycle or a laptop for their kid, or some such, I tell them "You can always say no." The response always is "I can't. I'm Sri Lankan and it's part of my culture."
This is ESPECIALLY true for my friends who have migrated to the West. This is because every Sri Lankan thinks of moving abroad as a Western salary but also thinks in terms of Sri Lankan cost of living. So it is assumed that my oversea friends are simply swimming in moolah. Thus they become the ATM not only for their family, but the entire village, including ex-school chums, local clergy, etc. The frequency and scale of my overseas friends being taken advantage of is astonishing. And despite knowing this, they cough up the money. Every time. It's the same: "You can always say no." "I can't. I'm Sri Lankan and it's part of my culture."
I need to learn to say no more often
Such a balanced view and facts of any ethnic household 😭😪😩
👏👏👏 Yes Sistaaa
......we're all Zuko 💀
Lol
Kuch Kuch HOTA hai one of my best Bollywood movie ever lived
You look so pretty mA! 🎀💗
Algerian, and same here girl !!
I will show this to my mum. I hope it doesn't break her heart 😅
Reading the comments is just #100000 I will not marry a momma’s boy
You look great mashallah! We miss seeing your face
Love the intro …
And 👏 for the Palestinian scarf .
The travelling one sucks but makes sense. It is not safe for women to travel alone in many places. Even with girl friends.
I agree with everything said, but only to a limited extent, one major piece of the conversation, especially for second generation/first generation dynamics, in south Asian families, a lot of us simply don't stack up to the competence and capabilities of our parents. they gave up a support system and cultural familiarity to come to the west, and simply put we are a generation of a lot of mediocre underachievers in life with insufficient grit who are too apt to say "well my parents didn't do......". many of us have high end professions but frankly rely on our parents in a thousand different ways but bleat independence without a hint of irony. simply put we have independent relationships with our bank managers that we're proud of but can't sit in silence with our own parents - and that is on us just as much as it is on them.
as for the archetypal analysis, absolutely, but it's really a concept born in a vacuum with a pretty extreme use of stylized facts/considerations. many of us, especially those that consider ourselves parentified, are pretty good at playacting parents but thing because we watched younger cousins or kids, we somehow have performed as parents - simply we have not.
Many second Gen kids need to have the capacity to look in the mirror and really evaluate if they could have pulled off what their parents have achieved. in an honest retrospect, I'm not sure I can say I have.
I understand your point! but having kids is a choice and providing the bare minimum (food & shelter) is not enough to raise healthy children.
I too have looked back at all my parents generation achieved with amazement. And I love that your views bring some balance to the topic. However, you may also be inadvertently proving the infantilization point. Our parents had to leave the safety net of their families/cultures/elders behind, maybe the reason why they were so successful was because they were able to make their own independent choices, even if unwittingly so. I also see the irony of Tazzy Phe's take on brown parents for being critical with limited emotional understanding, when it feels like that is her very own approach to the South Asian culture in this video. However, I admire and appreciate her for being daring enough to discuss such topics.
♥️♥️💯
your awesome you know
I have reached a point where I see my desi parents toxicity as source of what Ulema call Rafaa Darajat
Meaning either the lord is forgiving ur lapses or is doing it to raise ur ranks in the afterlife
Since ur deeds alone aren’t enough for what he has planned for you
Yay 🎉thank you so much
What is that movie called? We are Twin Names
Family, duty, honor. House Arryn
The amount of shorts on yt I’ve seen of young people recreating their generational trauma is honestly heartbreaking. I’m sorry but I find the “joke” of your parent feels so horrible after having physically abused you as “punishment” they give you money/food/gifts to deal with the grief and guilt of hurting their child to be awful. I get that for a lot of people this is just a way to deal with it but it’s so sad to see people struggle and their only way of communicating is violence is so saddening.
Family Duty Honor - Tully words
Tullys were brown 🤯
Parampara prathistha anushasan… perioddd 💅🏻
girl.... WORRRRD.
so what do we do like real talk?
Unconditional love is very problematic Idea. Because we are finite creature. Also love is a tricky balance of justice and compassion . I don't think it is hepful for anyone to keep their channel of love open without any discrimination . I am also of the opinion that expectation of unconditional love can create unnecessary resentment in the both giver and reciever. Which is defiling of love. Even God doesn't love unconditionally atleast in Quran. It is easy to vilify parents because deep down most of us know that there won't be any consequences. Many of us at least once in our life said unkind things to our parents. But most of us would never say those things to our boss, friends etc. Because then there would be consequences. I empathise with the points made by the host. But K3G is not a helpful trope to use. Because there AB is basically a dad who is grumpy throughout the entire movie for arbitrary reason like his son marrying a non elite girl. Typical Bollywood movie. It woukd make sense if he is withholding his love because his son commited debauchery or fraud . But hey who cares as long as ladki is khandani. Great video. Peace and God bless.
You are missing the point entirely. The whole point is that parents get mad for no good reason. Such as choosing to marry someone who is low status. That’s elitist/casteism/classism.
@@BeansPredi-ch6xkit's worse when you are gay/bi or trans, it's a horrible experience because they think you have brought down the whole family.
@@sha22276 I get that it’s worst but that’s like the highest form of disappointment for parents. Considered even worse than choosing to stay single. And it’s at least more understandable.
I agree with many points being made here but i feel being told to marry a good spouse, get a good education & career isn’t the worse upbringing you could get
I know we want to paint brown parents all bad but most brown kids turned out okay
But what they perceived as "good" may not translate into reality for you such as being coerced into being a doctor or engineer
❤
It’s not only desi ppl but also Arabs 😢
Even in the Balkans.
Indianapolis 500
Ok so live the American life; where on your18th birthday your parents kick you out regardless if you have a place to go. No college hep, no rent, just the cold, hard pavement.
What is a brown person? Just Desi?
Yup south asian
Sister wear the hijab properly it looks better on you
Who are you to tell her what to do huh?
@@anshumanjaiswal5787 A fellow Muslim looking out for her best interest. May Allah guide us all.
I don't think so...
Because God doesn't exist...
Atheism is the only way forward for harmony in the world....
@@anshumanjaiswal5787 Did you create yourself or was it someone else who had fashioned you?
No body created us...
Universe came into existence after a big bang explosion..... Now there is a big scientific explanation behind it......
People belive in God only because there is suffering in the society.... Caused by the capitalists system....
Once these suffering ends. Technology innovations... Economic development.. Education.... Improves....
Poverty ends... Racism ends.....
Religious ideas will wither away...