Narcissist mother to family scapegoat: Why can't you just get along and put the past where it belongs like the rest of us? (or something similar). Translation: You need to just shut up, suck it up and take our abuse.
Pretty much sums up of lifetime of family mobbing and cruelty. Once you can stomach the shock and awe of accepting the massive betrayal that has been your life… you can hopefully “ burn down the bridge “ of what is your family of origin because this is No family. Freedom and peace are on the other side of denial. If you’ve made it through family scapegoating I believe you are capable of anything ❤
Same. And I am finally coming to terms with that second part. My therapist said I know cognitively, but I was holding on emotionally. Now I'm done emotionally.
This is my mom and my sisters. I find myself reacting in narcissistic ways. I decided a long time ago not to have children. I am so glad I did as I have watched my niece and nephews wrestle with their moms. I can’t have sister relationships like I see friends have. They keep wanting to engage in the old tired sibling rivalry. Grey rock hasn’t worked. So I just left.
this video describes my family perfectly - the odd thing to me is that all narcissists seem to have the same personality… it’s like seen one, seen ‘em all
My sister is a narcissist. She has completely taken over our mother's life and undermined my relationship with her. I haven't seen my mother in years. My sister now "manages" our family property and I know I'll never see a damn penny of anything of value, but that's not the point - I want a functional relationship with my mother. It's so hurtful. My mom is completely enmeshed in her. It's just a sad situation.
I have a narcissist mother who I have gone no contact with and as a result lost the rest of my family as part of the punishment dynamic you mentioned. I went through years of intensive therapy which helped me figure out what had happened. Back then there was not much information about narcissism in the public so it was all new to me. I’m glad that sources like your videos are now on the internet.
Same here. Back then in the 70s emotional abuse was not even recognized by psychologists or the law because there is no proof as in physical abuse. Let's be friends.
same here! I am still having trouble with relationships now. I went no contact finally and moved states, I have lost my entire extended family. I feel for you, but i am glad to know I am not alone. Thank you for sharing, plz let me know if you have any tips. Much love sent your way
After 40 years of dealing with a narcissist mother, finally realizing she is incapable of being the loving mother I’ve always longed for & hopes she’d one day become, was actually the hardest part, the grieving put me into a deep, deep depression & the guilt & shame which I hadn’t prepared for was unbearable for a long while. I felt horrible for “abandoning” her. Her words not mine. She had family members even strangers calling to tell me that “this is not the time to divorce your mother” she just wouldn’t let me be. Driving to my home sending my children gifts. I finally decided to move away & stop speaking to her. I’m still struggling with self worth, but feeling better each & every day. Therapy is a life saver. Because for a while it seemed death would have been easier! Almost 2 years later & I realize, if I can survive 4 decades with a narcissist mother who abandoned me & allowed men to abuse me, A father who was physically and emotionally unavailable. I CAN SURVIVE ANYTHING!!! SO CAN YOU!!!
I can see that. What helped me with grieve was realizing, in this world we assume the bad people are outside of your house and somewhere in the world. But what if they are in your house. Nobody prepares you for it and you don't understand that the bad person is here, not out there. So you grow up confused and hoping for the ideal mother you made up in your mind. Coming to terms with reality helped me with grieve. But it's still a sad situation. Especially now I want to become a mother myself, I'm scared I'm copying my own mother. And I'm scared my sister will bully my kids because they are mine. I don't trust a good outcome. I think maybe I'm just going to leave my family all together, not invite them. Keep them on a distance. I never had a family but my kids can, if that means I have to break with my family maybe I should. The the scapegoats and victims of narcissists also have responsibility in not letting the narcissists flourish. They have good lives, they enjoy ruining people. What we can do is not be ruined. Let them see regular healthy minded people live differently and we must live our lives to the fullest too.
You must set your own path & heal your inner child, re-parent yourself it has helped me so much, also create the family you wish you had, become the mother you dreamed of having. I am raising my children far away from my mother. When they were young, I went too far in the opposite direction of my mom & now I’m finding the middle ground to parenting & it’s absolutely lovely! You can do great things in this life, no matter where you came from!!!
My mother hated me until her last moments and grieving her death has been so hard because everyone says how perfect and loving she was but I couldn't meet that side, never liked me not matter if I was better than my brother he was the golden child and I the scape goat. So not even after death I'm free because all the damage was so vast that even reach my own kids
I can also relate. I was a middle child and a girl which wasn't valued in my family--both brothers were saints to my parents. Both parents and brothers were narcissists. I could never understand why I couldn't connect with them no matter how I tried. Now I know but I wish I knew a lot sooner. Once I found out that they can't change, I stopped feeling guilty and ended the emotional torture. I no longer see my family and I won't be at their funerals and I'm okay with that.
Very relatable , I do my very best to tell my daughter that she is so much better than me because of it. School, art, her heart, her singing, everything.. You're so much better than mommy at that, I'm so proud of you💜🌹💜
It's not your fault. You can't blame yourself like you can't blame a baby for their mother's neglect and rejection. Think of the baby and the child you were; would you blame the child? No, you would not.
Don't worry I also relate. My older sister used to be the golden child and I used to be the scapegoat. Because my mother would pressure my sister with expectations and then she started snapping at me, due to her pressure. Our mother would compare us and made me feel inferior compared to my sister. Our father wanted a divorce with our mother, but since he didn't do that he was just missing from home.
Omg! Thank you for this, what a validation! Yes I was the scapegoat! With narcissistic brothers and mother! My mother disinherited me, and then I found out my siblings had been trash talking about me for years. I was 40 years old before I realized I was not responsible for all the things I was blamed for. When she became ill my brother told me I needed permission from him to see her in the nursing home, and when she passed, i had to call my youngest brother to find out the time and day of the burial. And I was excluded from other activities, funded by her money, including plane travel, hotels, car rentals to tour the old farm etc.
I recently went no contact with my family. I did my best with all the tools given to me in therapy. I was diplomatic, understanding, empathetic. After years of trying to form healthy dynamics, I came up short. Old patterns stayed and I was always going to be seen as less than or, as you said, inferior. Fighting for myself has been the best. My 20 were hard but, I have what I have always wanted. Freedom and peace.
Your description of a narcissistic mother and her relationship to daughter(s) is so accurate! My mother would glorify me in public, criticise me and be agressive in private, be excessively demanding/never satisfied, of course showing no sign of affection, understanding or even dialogue, to the point the better option for me was to become as invisible as possible. I wasn't physically abused in any way, it was more pernicious... For example when I was very young she often lost me in supermarkets, showed up very late after school while I waited in the street... Later on I was denied medical care to the point it threatened my life (I had asthma). And the obvious triangulation with my only sibling (golden child) doomed our sister-brother relationship from the beginning.
It has always been very obvious that my mother, the queen of the world, is a narcissist. Any signs of my younger self that hinted of confidence was attacked and belittled. Over the years, my little sister, who resembles my mother very much was my person that I shared my relationship pain with of my mother with. She is also difficult and unpredictable. As time has passed, my sister has become my mother. Her narcissism has more meanness though. My mother, now an old lady, has become sentimental and writes me letters of times that she misses with us. But I am done, there is nothing there for her. With my sister though, I feel betrayed and used.
I'm 42 and have always felt like something was off on my family, but couldn't put my finger on it....the veil has been lifted! Unfortunately I am still living with my NM but I am working on my escape. I'm so trauma bonded that I'm a little scared too even post this, in fear somehow my family could see this.
My mum has NPD. Her relationship with my adult brother is exactly as you’ve described. Exactly. It’s really twisted. He’s 50... & still at home with “mummy”, having never worked, never had a partner, & claiming “disability” because of the abuse I endured as the scapegoat of our family... yet refuses to discuss it with his mental health practitioners, in order to protect HER. 🙄 Best thing I ever did was leave. It’s Jerry Springer on acid, in my family. Truly truly truly fucked up.
I am really happy my golden child "sister" gets everything from the parents and their parents, I doubt only there is a tiny bit Love in it. Wherenever there are narcissists, there CAN BE no Love, no creating source, no energy of Life. Thank You!!
Please know you’re not alone in your experience, or grief. It can get better. Once I realised it was ALL in THEIR head, & it didn’t matter who was standing in front of them (me or someone else), their behaviour would be the same.
I’m 58 and just realized that this is how I grew up. I didn’t know this was narcissistic behavior. My mom and brother were this way. I have a question…does this make someone more likely to be like this to their family after growing up this way?
Absolutely not. I am the product of a narcissistic mother and 3 sisters. Both parents died during lockdown. All the sisters kept their possessions and locked me and my family out of my parent's home. I only have 1 child, but if I had 4, I would never pit one against the other, nor encourage any kind of narcissistic behaviour. I hope you find your peace. I have cut my whole family off due to the way I have been treated my whole life. I will only talk to them through a lawyer now. I Hope you find your peace x
Absolutely NOT. Grew up with 2 NPD parents... & stepmother. Brother succumbed to it, despite having a B.psychology. My entire life is about NOT being like them.
It took me years as well. When l revisited some events this past year, l was horrified: my mother could not have been more evil. Though my mother is dead, l still feel her rage and deceit. My sister, 2 years younger, took up the slack. I have gone gray rock with her. Jim, you nailed it. Thank you. You're doing a great service. At the risk of sounding like l am feeling sorry for myself (l am not), l believe childhood victims of narcissistic mothers, especially mothers who committed emotional incest and/or molestation, have suffered one of the greatest acts of violence perpetrated on humanity. This scourge needs to be brought to light, and you are helping do this.
I think one of the strangest things my mother does is if someone dies, she says weird things to make it about her. I called her to tell her my father passed away and here's a direct quote. (Because I sounded sad) "If anyone deserves to be on the front of the 'grief train', it is ME." He was my husband. That is closer than a father to his daughter." BTW my mom divorced him when I was four and rarely saw him after that. Probably a ten times tops. I lived with my dad for a while as a teen and young adult and lived in the same town, spent many years more than she did. But that's beside the point. My dad died. We both deserved to grieve It didn't need to be a competition Grief train?! She was angry because I sounded sad. She did something similar when my boyfriend had a heart attack and died. She made weird comments and was aggressive and insulting. So I stopped telling her things. When I had uterine cancer only one of my kids knew, and my boyfriend and best friend. I didn't need her to chime in while I went through hell.
I am fifty and she is still abusive so I gave up two years ago and went no contact. I still find myself staring off into space when people are talking to me and seeing awful memories.
Our mother has worked hard to divide us four siblings. Have definitely dealt with family who don't understand living a life of being invalidated, undermined and devalued. Have got to the point of not caring anymore and grey rocking. No point in continuing a relationship when you realise your mother hates you. Took me 13 years from going to therapy at 50 to deal with a dysfunctional family to get here.
I’m grieving big time!!!!! Both mom and brother are major narcs. My dad died two years ago. My brother told me only two days before when and where the memorial would be. After I told him that I wanted to be involved and help. I had pictures that could have been added to the slideshow. And more horrible abusive treatment from my brother and his wife as my dad was passing away. It is a dress rehearsal to the horrible nightmare that is coming when my mom passes away, as there is a house and inheritance involved. My brother talks about me to other family members - betrays confidences and tells lies. I cannot understand why he hates me soooo much. He has always been bonded to my parents. But, not me … my friends are my life- giving family. I want to be FREE of these people soooo bad. It is torture!!!!!
You just described my relationship with my mother… I stopped talking to her last week and I feel like my heart is breaking… but I know nothing will ever change. Wish I didn’t care.
I had no idea this is what it was. I knew it was dysfunctional but I had no name for it. Thank you for putting a name to it, and especially the feelings towards mother’s day
Thank you 🙏 it's really heavy. My only parent drains and takes. My mother is a chronic victim who needs to be listened to endlessly. She has no interest in me nor supports me. She doesn't even care to listen and at my hardest times she has always just blamed me and been concerned of herself
I grew up with an addict / narcissistic mother. And I've struggled with my sister and our relationship dynamic when it comes to our shared trauma. She has slowly turned into a narcissist, and I have been at the forefront of the abuse. After 33 years, I said enough. I have been struggling to understand what the behavior was and how destructive it is. I am doing my best to learn how to deal with losing my only sibling and my mother to NPD and addiction. Your video helps me to place the emotions with clarity and validation that I am not crazy, and the only thing I can do, is walk away and love from afar.
This an excellent summation, thank you! One thing I have to admit to thinking and feeling with a treacherous narcopathic family is, "What exactly did you people win? Was it really worth it to be a monster? That's all you know, that's all you are, that's you." It's like watching a pack of hungry dogs fighting over the chicken wishbone, what is the fight for?
I have experience with the things you are talking about. There has been a lot of triangulation between my narcissistic mother and sister and lots of preferential treatment. My sister and I have been born a decade a part and have never been encouraged to have a close, loving relationship even though I remember being very loving and protective of my sister as a child. When I talked to my mother about this, she blames the lack of a relationship with my sister on the age difference, when in reality it is due to the triangulation. Mother tells us different things to each of us at different points in time. Our mother controls both of us with money, keeping us, adult children, dependent on her.
The woman who birthed and raised me is a narcissist. Saw it clearer in my 30's, and decided to walk away for good. 6 years later, I regret nothing. Only one brother talks to me (that is fine, I lost all respect for my older brother 13 years ago when my Dad was dying). She wanted a princess but got a tomboy lol. Couldn't control me to her liking so she took it out on my husband and kids. -Burned my kid (he was not even 2) -Tried pinning me n my hubby against each other -Lied to my sister in laws about me -Told me she hopes I lose my job and have to go on welfare. That was enough 👋
My life has been a living hell with a narcissistic mother and then younger sister no matter how much love , compassion, financial help , kindness it’s never enough they just manipulate and take and take they lie about you because they resent that you’re a good person they destroy your life and yet I’ve still tried to care and look after them . My mother is elderly now and I live overseas but come home to look after her clean her house , cook dinner and take her shopping whatever she wants me to do and she’s mellowed somewhat but my sister has become a manipulative user and abuser and I think I’ve been fooled by her for over 30 years constantly fixing her problems and life I’ve had enough torture and pain she’s destroyed my marriage and my beautiful brother took his own life 18 months ago because he had enough of the torture. I’m broken-hearted without him because he was the only normal sibling my life is in ruins but I keep praying for strength without my faith I don’t know where I would be . I still just try to do the right thing until my mother goes then that’s it not many know the absolute depths of pain of narcissistic abuse .
Listening to you describe experiencing a narccasistic Mother and Siblings is exactly my experience. My Mom, and 3 Brothers are all Narcassists which made my life extremely challenging. I am the scapegoat which was targeting continuously. I have long since walked out of their lives which has actually saved mine 🙏 I went to seek therapy for over 2 years working on healing my inner child wounding which has lifted the confusion...insecurities...and lack of self worth so that I created a magical existence in which I'm eternally grateful for 🙏 I feel a great sense of relief knowing I broke this cycle of abuse before I became a Mother so I actually became the Mother that I deserved 💞 My children have a deep loving respectful relationship that I'm over the moon in being part of this sacred union unfold before my eyes daily 🤗 Thank you for your incredibly helpful videos that are helping so many 🙏 You remind me of the therapist I went to whom guided me back into wholeness that I never knew possible 😊
My mother once said she keeps nagging me because I hate it and its her way of making me do exactly what she wants right when she needs it. I got so mad and she was shocked that I was mad. These narcs don't even realize they are being narcissistic. My sibling is a true narcissist but my mother does have narcissistic tendencies and she always takes revenge on me. At this point I don't want my kids to be around my family. I try not to take revenge back or even talk back because it just makes them work harder on ruining me. I don't go on vacation with them, no weddings, no family meet ups, I can't be around my mother and sibling in public because they tell embarrassing stories about me and change what exactly happened and make me the topic to laugh about. They can go talk about me without me. Not with me present just to see me get ashamed about things I didn't even do or wasn't contextually true, and they want me to push back a little just so there is this fake argument and it makes it seem like something weird did happen and it's a "personal problem". These narcissistic family members always try to tell me that is something wrong with my personality. As if I should change. It's a hobby of theirs. So I let them think I'm stupid untill I can leave forever. They tell everyone I'm incompetent and their friends test me and I always push back and then they cry about it to my sibling or mother who is the narcissist because they expect me to not stand up for myself because they have seen my mother and sister treat me badly, and just assume I'm OK with that. Jordan b peterson also helped alot in saying that mothers need to know they take revenge on their kids and they have to know that to work on themselves. Now when my mother or sister bully me, I tell myself these narcs take revenge and they have a narcissistic injury at this moment, don't stress, they can't handle themselves nor do they want to. And if it's me or the, I choose me. Because people have to save themselves first. I know they are narcissistic because my life is better when they are not around and when we don't have the same friends.
Unfo4tunately i have both parents as narcissits. Covert-dad and overt-mum. And worse still they are leaders in society. So this made my childhood extreme. More so my teens and early adulthood when they suddenly decided to be more 'involved' in my life and had more free time.
I was second in a family of six. My older brother and mother both fit these descriptions. I was constantly reminded of how much I cost, all the sacrifices made for me, how ungrateful I was, how she only had me to replace a stillborn sibling before me, how I would grow up like an alcoholic relative - by my mother. At the same time my older brother would constantly abuse me physically and mentally, and was constantly threatened by anything I was good at doing - sports, academia, chopping wood, you name it - he would always find a way to devalue any achievement I made. Later, when it was discovered that he had sexually abused the second youngest sister, my mother covered it up, and convinced her that my brother was also a victim. Years later, when I found out, I was ostracised for supporting my sister. I was soon isolated, and my reputation with friends and extended family was trashed. It broke me, my career, and my relationship with my partner. So I left my family, and surrounded myself with good people instead. I'm still so confused, and have many of the problems you described in this video. However, without the constant feedback that I am the author of my own failings, I am now receiving professional help, and my life is improving.
Both of my parents are high in narcissistic traits but my mum is the covert type, and an enabler of my dad's abuse. There's just my older brother and me; he's the golden child and I'm the scapegoat but my mum used me as her therapist - someone to perpetually listen to the vicimthood narrative of all of her adult problems, to turn me against the family members that had wronged her/us. The triangulation never brought me to a place with my mother where I was actually close to her, or beyond her suspicions, paranoia and anger. Once I started setting boundaries, refusing to act as her counselor, or hear about her grievances she became so unfathomably passive aggressive to get revenge. She couldn't be direct with me about her resentment, so she used the weapons in her arsenal against me. No loyalty among narcissists. No love beyond how we serve their ends. Every time I miss her, I remember that I don't miss her. I miss who I hoped she was. I miss who she pretended to be when she was trying to get her own fix from me. I miss someone that in reality can't see me, and I'm finally grieving that properly for the first time in my life.
Hi Jim. I'm so glad I came across this, I found you on insta and went to RUclips for this particular video. I'm 37 and I never realised I had narcissist siblings until recently. I think I always wanted to see good in them and justified everything they did to me. I have 4 siblings, one I always knew was like this but one sister who I was always soooo close to I thought the sun shone out of her arse. Until I slowly but surely realised that she had been covertly manipulating me for many years. My mother is controlled by her, I think because she feels guilty for being physically and emotionally abusive towards us as kids and my sister now seems to be cashing in, not financially but like a revenge manipulative tactic. She controls everyone in family and I tool a step back a little and I got punished so badly that I just kept stepping further and further away. Now I'm no contact with 2 siblings. I keep a surface level relationship with my mother. It's the most horrendous pain I have ever endured in my life. I'd like to say it gets easier but I just got used to it now and I choose to prioritise the people in my life that respect me. Thanks for this video. Hugely helpful.
Thank you for these videos. I would have to write a book to cover all the experiences of being the child of a Narc parent and then having to come to terms with my siblings who have followed in his footsteps. It feels like I can’t unsee it now. I’ve know it all along but didn’t want to believe it. I’m grieving now the Dad I didn’t have and the two younger siblings who I protected from the neglect and abuse of our parents. I was their scapegoat punching bag. And the siblings have followed suit now that they have passed. I have to come to terms with accepting what is, grieving their loss and thanking God for all those I have in my life who see me and accept me for who I am.
Brother is textbook covert narc, parents enable him, parents are covert as well, but brother dynamic has made me the most sad, hurt and angry. I’m very sad and angry at my parents at how much my parents enable his behavior.
I grew up with a mother who pitted my sibs against me. It was not until my dads death that we realized how destructive she was! At 94 she continues this behavior, but now it’s more obvious as she reverts to manipulative toddler like behaviors. Could you address how we can deal with demands ( and needs) of our geriatric narcissistic mothers?
I didn’t realize until recently that this is how I grew up. I am starting counseling soon to get the healing I need and tools to help change this in my family with my kids.
10/11/23 Today I ended my relationship with my brother. It’s been a long time coming, but for some reason I was reluctant to end his narcissistic influence over me. He really is a narcissist. He can easily have you thinking you’re crazy. He’ll deny something he did, and not stop badgering you until you are convinced you got it wrong and that everything is your fault. It is truly mind-blowing. He is a master gas-lighter. He accuses you of doing to him the very things he did to you! He mixes truth with lies. He deludes you into thinking you’re crazy or must be confused. You think maybe he’s right; you must be wrong, or maybe you’re the evil one. It makes your head spin. I know people will say, “Not me. He couldn’t do that to me.” But until you’ve dealt with a true narcissist, you can’t say that. Especially one who has such a strong emotional hold over you. It was a lifelong mind game that I could never win. I just wanted to make him love me the way all my friends' big brothers loved them. Growing up with a narcissist sibling is its own kind of hell, especially whey you're an empath. I am an empath. The first memories I have in life are of him whispering in my ear, “I wish you were dead.” It’s something he told me over and over as we grew up. “I wish you were dead,” or “I hope you die, or I hate you” And he meant it. He was always my worst enemy, growing up. And I couldn’t go to our parents, because from a young age, we were forbidden to say anything negative or express any feelings of sadness, anger, fear, or anything like that, because it would upset mom. So our father laid down a strict rule of not complaining about anything that happened to us. We were to hold it in. He said we could come to him, but we knew he’d just say they were stupid thoughts, and tell us to concentrate on school. My brother would make things up and tell everyone in the neighborhood, trying to get them to ridicule me. He was so cruel. When my parents went out, the torture would begin. The beatings, the locking me out in the snow with bare feet and no coat, etc. I forgave all that and chalked it up to childhood meanness, but I was wrong. He didn’t become less despicable or unkind as he grew; he evolved. He matured in his manipulation. He became more proficient in his exploitation and skillful with his cruelty. His rhetoric became much more intense and impossible to argue with. He provokes confrontation. He knows my buttons, so he calls and starts with the things he knows will be hurtful to me. Then he starts arguing. There have been times I answer my phone and he is screaming at me about something, before I even say hello. He feels entitled to things without working. It’s embarrassing. I asked him to help a boyfriend move a chest down the stairs, and while they were halfway down, he just let go. The boyfriend was in front with the chest on his back and Paul just let go, saying it was starting to hurt his back. Bullshit. He’s one of those annoying people who won’t lift a finger to help anyone. And if he’s ever cornered into doing something for someone else, he’ll do it with such a bad attitude, and will passive-aggressively do such a terrible job, that you won’t want him back. So he’ll never be asked to do anything again. He wins, and he doesn't care what anyone thinks of him. We were both adopted from different parents. He was over a year old and he was neglected by whomever took care of him. I’ve wondered if that’s what happened to him. But regardless of how he became the way he is, I’ll no longer be the one suffering because of it. Through the years, friends have tried to convince me to have nothing more to do with him. “But he’s my brother,” I’d say. When my mother was dying, I was staying with her. She was so weak and I cleaned her up, showered her and made meals. I’d be in the shower with her and the phone would ring and ring until the answering machine picked up. He would hang up and call again and it would ring and ring until the machine picked up. He'd hang up and call again. And he’d do it again and again until I answered. “Where were you? I need to talk to you. Don’t put me off like that” And he’d go on about himself, blah blah blah… Or he’d ask how she was doing, and pummel me with accusatory questions about the way I was taking care of her. Like he knew what he was talking about! I’m the RN and he was asking all kinds of questions to which he wouldn’t even know the correct answers. I told him to stop it with the phone calls, but he didn’t. I stayed at my mom's house for a few weeks and called to ask him to please come over and let me take a break and go to my place for a while. To my surprise he came down from Jax. I was going to take a bath, do some laundry, and cook something for myself, and I told him that. He said, “Well I need to leave in 45 minutes. You have to be back by then." I almost cried. So I came back in 45 minutes. As soon as he left, my mother told me that she had decided to leave him the car, the plasma TV, etc. That's when I understood the actual reason he came down. 45 minutes was just long enough to gaslight my mother. For our entire lives he’s been undercutting me to our parents, so who knows what he said to her. After our last parent died, the inheritance was in a trust for 5 years, and in that time, if one of us died, the survivor would get all the money. I was a traveling nurse with my boyfriend. We traveled far away from him, and would joke and laugh about him knocking me off and getting all the money. But we were serious, really. I was a little scared. His weird quirks: Little sounds or lights bother him to an inappropriate extreme. I asked him to pick me up from the airport and we were driving on the interstate and he kept bitching about a sound that was driving him crazy. I mean yelling, bitching. He was saying there was something in the back that he could hear, and he couldn’t take it anymore. We pulled off the interstate and he stood there as I unpacked the back of my SUV (because he doesn’t lower himself to such menial labor. He just stood there and pointed) and it turned out to be a tiny zipper pull on the front of my carry-on bag. I mean a tiny little pull. I put it back so it was face-down and everything was fine after that. How did he hear that little zipper pull? He is incapable of feeling shame or embarrassment. He will lose his temper in public and think nothing of it. He loses his temper at the drop of a hat, and If things don’t go precisely his way, he starts yelling at you. He is incapable of taking the needs of others into consideration. Only his wants and needs are worthy of any regard. He doesn’t understand the suffering of others. But he seems to love animals. Dogs. He picks up strays, but then dumps them on others. They then must take care of them and pay their expenses, while he can still drop by and see them. He kept tabs on any assistance I received from our parents and tried to say he was owed. Most of the time the things he said, never even happened. In our 50s he was saying Dad paid for my car insurance when I was 18, which was not true. He refuses to believe me. He gets angry when he talks about it. And that was over 40 years ago! Since I started rejecting his gaslighting, he’s been inundating me with such vile, hateful text messages I had to say, no more. I’m not putting up with this shit anymore. He did a lot of damage to my life, but I always forgave him. He is my only sibling. Why has it taken me so long to estrange myself from someone who had such a profound negative impact on my life? I really don’t know… But as I sit here and rehash some of the things I stuffed away and ignored for a lifetime, I’m starting to understand. All those years I refused to acknowledge his obvious lack of any emotional attachment to me. And you can’t make someone who is incapable of loving, love you. I think about those hateful utterances of wishing I was dead, being my first memories. When you’re that young, you think your situation in life is ordinary and that everyone is living in similar circumstances. It always seemed so normal to me. I guess I can forgive myself for putting this off for so long. I’m just happy for the strength to end it now. (Finally, at age 63, I officially give up) It’s weird that throughout the rest of my life, how many narcissistic people I chose to be in relationships with. I found myself trying to win their love, which is always impossible. And I did this over and over. I have since swept them from my life. He is the last. I can say I’ve built a satisfying life for myself. One more thing; to anyone in a similar situation; The key to letting go of a narcissist is to make them believe they have won. He thinks he ended the relationship, which is how I orchestrated it. If you feel you have to win the argument, then you are setting yourself up for trouble. The only chance a Narcissist will let you get away unscathed is to let them think they ended it. Take my word for it. Make sure they think they have the upper hand. It's no guarantee they won't seek revenge for some fabricated wrong you did them, but your chances of a peaceful separation are better if they think they have won. At least that's my experience. Wow, what a load-off! Time to go sit in the jacuzzi
My younger sister, whom I still love deeply, has been dominating and demeaning me since childhood. I was the older quieter person, who had to care for her, wash her clothes, pack her lunchbox etc when mom went to work. She abused both me and mom. We are both grown up now and in our 50s. Whenever, I visit her, she treats me less than a dog. I became suicidal at one point ... only recently I heard this term "Narcissist Personality Disorder." I have reduced my interactions with her but I miss my little sister! My parents have died. She is all I have but she finds me so low class!! God help me.
My husband grew up with 2 Narcissistic parents and a Narcissist older brother. All 3 made our life hell, and we’ve gone no contact with them for most of our marriage. My husband resumed a relationship with his older narcissistic brother, but it’s always fraught with fighting and trouble making. My husband is just understanding now that his brother is narcissist like his parents. Also I grew up with a Narcissistic Mother and chronic invalidation. Your videos are a great help to both of us. It all makes sense. Thanks. Keeps the videos coming.
I was home visiting my father a year after my narcissistic mother passed on, sibling brother and his flying monkeys visited her gravesite that day at the cemetery along with some liquor which they brought, after which they came and visited my father and me. My brother, the narc golden child, brought home a demon and started doing the manifestation dance around us, crazy voice coming out of his mouth, odd movements. Quite a distruptive afternoon indeed. Too bad he can't remember anything. My Dad didn't know exactly what was going on but later remark he "had seen him drunk many times but had never seen him like that, very strange" Strange indeed. Narcs and alcohol make a bad cocktail Also, avoid cemeteries as much as you can, ok 👍
Im 60 years old and have resently breaked with my narcissistic mom and sosiopath sister (the Golden Child), and have seeked Help from a traumatherapist from IOPT. Its very clary to ME now❤
My sister took everything after my dad passed away and what's even worst she manipulated me to came back to take care of mum (narcisstic as well) who really doesn't need a care of.
I have 2 narc parents and I'm low contact as mandated by surrogate court. They petitioned to have me removed as my brothers legal backup guardian (he has down syndrome and legally must have guardians) and they lied to the judge that id cut contact with my brother for 3 years. The judge found no reason to remove me thankfully. My parents have continued to attempt to hoover me by email, no mention of the court case or any sort of apology and i expect they never will. Every few weeks they email me and try to force a reply. I remain focused on my healing and my brother's well-being. 💯 i see him every week and love my time with him.
There is so much that makes sense in your video. I am the oldest of 3 kids. Of my 2 brothers one was disabled. My parents divorced when I was 10 and 2 years later my disabled brother passed away. At that point my mother turned to drinking. Fast forward to the present, my mother has been sober for 19 years and recently my grandfather passed away. The surmounting stress around his passing lead to my mother getting really abrasive with me. I've been wondering for years if I'm crazy because my mother will tell me things like, you never said that, that's not how it happened and has told me I have problems with my memory and should see a Dr. I got to a point that I completely stopped talking to her 3 months ago. My brother and I are close. However, when it comes to our mother he always tries to remain neutral. Your videos are helping me to see that, I am in fact not crazy and perhaps the daughter of a narcissist instead. Thank you!!!!
They always gaslight their victims to make them think they are crazy and they smear you also telling everyone you are a nut case. It's named after a movie (black and white) "Gaslight" with Ingrid Bergman playing the victim's role.
I promise you this: YOU WEOTE THIS DIALOGUE AND VIDEO BASED ON MY FAMILY. MY MOTHER AND MY SISTER. IT IS ALMOST IDENTICAL TO WHAT I HAVE GONE THROUGH MY ENTIRE LIFE WITH BOTH OF THEM. EVERYTHING YOU MENTIONED HAS HAPPENED ALMOST EXACTLY AS YOU STATED AND DESCRIBED. My mother is deceased but I can’t stand to even hear my sibling’s name. She is always in competition with me and now her daughter and granddaughter. She will stop at nothing to destroy everyone around her. She has to be the winner. The special child that everyone loves and makes sure that I am hated. I cannot stand the idea of being around her. I promise you, when my mother died all I felt was that I had been released from prison. I had no grief. With her daughter, I feel nothing but pure disgust. I have tried to change that but that hasn’t worked and I don’t think it ever will. Thank you.
I am convinced that Personality Disorder is inherited. It ran wild all over my family. Before I knew what was going on, I was lucky enough to wound people into dumping me just by keeping my soul alive. I got no acknowledgement or support when I recognized that my baby daughter was unable to respond to me, only imitate me. No doctors or educators knew (or would admit to knowing) what I was talking about. My own research led me through autism and Asperger's to personality disorder and started my healing and my ability to make sense of my life. Thank God for the internet and people like this guy getting the information out there.
A narcissist mum and older sister. I carry trauma with me all the time. I am nearly 50 and I don't speak to my sister but I don't feel I can cut my mum off but my mum still triangulates and favours my sister, always telling me what wonderful things her or her family have done, always pointing out that I should do everything like my sister. They've ruined my life and I feel so alone.
Blessings, you just explained clearly my entire 25 years of madness with my neice, who I raised when her mother died at 15 months. This madness began when my great neice started being quietly deceitful. This child became a teenage mom by the age of 14 it broke my heart, but she had the best love and generational family support of 3 great great great aunts and my two daughters who were college students. I thought that with all this love and me supporting her, that life would be good. This teen great great neice with the same boy ending up with 3 children by age 16. This is when the manifestation of her narcissistic personality began to show. My neice walked away from the toddlers to be with the father who had no job money or any means to provide the basics for their 3 abandoned babies . I financially was able to provide for them as I am doing to this day. This mother and father both had narcissistic psychopath personalities that had a big emotional impact on these teens as I share. The mother destroyed them when she wanted to remove them from my care. They had a stable structural life, studest good grades, well-behaved loved by their teachers they enjoyed school. They were doing so well with a holistic diet vitamins regiment from infancy. This mom was in and out of their life as a teen mom. She tried to drow them when she left all 3 in a running bathtub and walked away. The oldest was able to get the two youngest out before they drowned. She threw the second born baby across the bed like an object when she was born because she didn't want to card for when she was crying. She was disconnected from these girls, and now I realized that you described my situation as I continue to help these 3 girls and mom age 32 who hates her girls waiting for the legal age to walk away. She is unable to live anywhere for 6 months, which has had an impact on the children inability to make friends. This narcissistic mom destroyed these children because she didn't raise them this action was to prove that she is the mother. They would tell me about her behavior towards them. SILENCE NO EMOTIONAL CONNECTION. The children are in a mental health crisis and have no regard for anyone. They steal lie and use drugs now. They have jumped their mother and ganged up on me once. They have always known me to be their grandmother, not 3rd great aunt. All I know its been a major mental health crisis with my neice, her children and the childrens father, and his mentally ill girlfriend, who had 12 children using them for profit. All of her children are taken by the child protection system. Jim, all that you described is a true experience of these once beautiful children lives. You gave the example, and now your solution for me to let go will save my life free me from trying to save this generation of family that is so far from me helping at this time. You're a great therapist. I have learned so much about narcissistic parents that they destroy divide and do so much harm to their children. You don't know how much you helped me with this insight into this personality disorder.disorder Thank you from the ❤ AFRICAN AMERICAN WOMAN 50S GENERATION.
Thank you, all dead on for me. I’ve been in therapy for low self esteem for years, and cut off my narcissistic sister a year and a half ago. It was so strange how I felt this need to call her and apologize for a very long time. Over time I finally saw her as a narcissist and everything she has and continues to do. When my family tell me things she is saying to play the victim I just shrug. It is sad, but I refuse to go along and allow myself to be her supply any longer. I hope knowing this and doing the work will help me be a good mother!
I am the family scapegoat. I have never measured up in my parents eyes. Growing up, my sisters and I were always compared to others and as adults, I'm constantly compared to my siblings. No decision I make is every good enough. My older sister calls my mother a narcissist, but she is actually worse than her. Will give me the silent treatment for months and my parents expect me to 'fix' it. My younger sister, the golden child, can do no wrong. I have constant feelings of worthlessness. My mother has often said to me that I have nothing to show for myself. Nice, huh? But they expect me to be fine with it. And my father questions why I'm not close to my sisters. He put both of them in charge of their trust for when they die. I know they will cut me out of everything. I don't even care at this point. They will die like me and not take it with them. It does make me sad though. daily.
I'm totally grossed out by these dynamics. How dare they! They must be dead to ever escape their toxicity. That is the only way out probably. Unfortunate.
My father is Narcissistic and he also made my sister and brother like him… all of them tell lies.. and gaslight me .. they only talk to me when they need me.. and they keep on using me.. I feel empty and my heart is always looking for someone whom I can relay on and no one 😢
I no longer look for love or validation from the mother. It is all a big pretence with her. Once I realised she was a narcissist everything became clear. She has parentified me and wants to be the child in this relationship.
Thank you Jim for this video. I was undermined my whole life by family. My family was never emotionally safe. Its been painful. I was a strong willed child and had alot of talent and was often targeted. I value autonomy. I have hope and doing the healing work. Rebuilding isn't easy especially when you get older but well worth it. I'm so grateful for RUclips community. Best of luck to everyone on post.
8/8/22 Hi My name is Jose and I was just watching your video and I wanted to say thank you because I’ve been going through a lot my dad passed away last year and my mother and my sister both showed their true narcissistic face after he passed I am on a two-year no contact with them and yeah
I haven't got the courage to leave her behind I'll have to suffer and endure while she's here Perhaps I'll get a few good decades for a life of my own in the future, GOD willing Strength and peace be with You and Yours
I am from India which is not an individualistic society. There is always the involvement of your family members in your everyday matters. Currently dealing with narcissistic mother and sister and their un warranted involvement in my marriage life. It is extremely difficult to cut off my relationship with them. Absolutely clueless. Having hard time dealing with them.
The subtle crap; "I'm trying to figure out what to do about my will, I got to leave your sister something, but I also need to leave 'm' something; so I've got nothing to leave you." M happens to be cousin from my paternal side. The true goldenchild who reflects her grandiose religious self-righteous attitude. Sister didn't speak to dad for 27 yrs. He wasn't a great dad, so that was exploited and she received praise for cutting off at 13. My sister did not receive abuse of any kind from him. I did. Mom vacillated between whether I should be spending time with him or cut him off, often criticizing me for doing both as some sort of moral failure. Dad died early 2022, Mom texted asking if he had a will that same day. Said it was because she wanted to know if he wanted burial or cremation. But never offered any help with that. My sister never contacted me about it even though my mother was with her at the time she was told of his death. Back to her Will; shed suggested her business could be my inheritance (not much of a business, but whatever). After 2020, my wife and I thought, let's do it, she wants to retire and it's all I'm going to get anyway,plus I had been furloughed. She said, this is to be my inheritance, then once I was ocked in she started asking me when we were going to start paying her for the business. It was right about then I finally realized what I was dealing with. Anyhow, I got suppliers to send paperwork for her to sign, formed my own LLC, Specified that the paperwork should show the business was officially paid for within the contract with suppliers. She tried to position herself as the head of the new company, in charge of finances. That simply wasn't going to happen. She signed the paperwork because she wanted to quit working. Then complained that she had no money, didn't know where her next meal was coming from and we needed to start paying her for my inheritance. Then she promptly went on a road trip to California to my sister's place, was even nmin Washington where my daughter lives, but never visited her or her great granddaughter. Then she went in a Caribbean Cruz. We've not given her a dime. I went no contact.
Yep…I never feel good enough. I’m starting to believe that she has truly sabotaged me so many times in my life. I am an only child and she has no one else so I take the brunt of everything.
Also even though I’m a girl she still expected me to fill some of the roles of a husband when she didn’t have one. While she was married or in a relationship she would leave me alone/ignore me. And then when she couldn’t find a man to control…she expected me to do things like mow the yard etc. I still consider this emotional incest as she was putting me in the place of a partner. she was sharing intimate details and too much information to me from an early age.
Basically just put in a nutshell my 45 year long life as the first born scapegoat to a narcissistic mom and 43 year year old grandiose narcissist brother. The inheritance scammer is the 41 year old younger sister. Between the three of them as their mutual source of narcissistic supply I go through daily battles and will be defending myself from irrational attempts to dominate me from my brother that lead straight into mom jumping to his support and gaslighting with obvious lies that bare no resemblance to reality. I have recently discovered the situation and been learning about narcissistic abuse and have had the clouded chaos and confusion lifted and can't go back so I easily defend myself with truth and honesty but am far beyond pushed to my limits and am not holding back anymore so they feign victimization and act like my reaction is unjustified and unreasonable. Constantly shifting the point because they have nothing to stand on as a point so divert the focus on to any imperfections they can point to about me. The three of them are pathological liars and will go as far as attempting to get me murdered by cops with lies because they can't debate on merit.
Im 19 , i feel pretty much lost because of this , my mum and my sister criticised me so bad that i feel like giving up , they lowered my potential by making me think that i am not that good , idk if they know theyre doing that or not but i didnt tell em , because they'll do it more or more likely ignore it, but im alive cuz i got some goals , and ill not rest until it is complete
When I saw my sister and brother adults called my narcisistic mother In facebook on Mother"s day : "The Best mom ever, thank you for being a fighther and your unconditional love" 🤦♀️🤦♀️ It's my fault. I know. I blocked them and unblocked 🔥
I will never forget I was age ten and had a sprain ankle left home alone. Neighbor was responsible for my wellbeing. Her and my dad went out of town. Most abandoning circumstance ever!
This is so validating for me. Saying the chronic invalidation like that straight away is so confirming and reaffirming for me for my experience with my mum I am sorry for those that know this pain and I am glad that I’m not alone with this 😢❤x
The mother descriptions is very accurate to mine. And mothers day use to upset me as culturally mothers day glorifies mothers to the point i feel conscientious good mothers cant live up to it and must feel guilty too. But bad mothers were something no one talked about, until recently. But i never thought my older sister was a narcissist too, i just realised it recently. She presents differently than you described but logically, why wouldnt a narcissist raise another narcissist? Since my older sister hates my mother its a tad strange she acts like her in many ways, but she is still her own brand of narcissism. I have a few concerns about my yongest sister too now. It may explain why my older and youngest sibling cant be in the same room, maybe the conflict wasnt over years of misunderstood feelings but over the basic reason they both couldnt be the center and most superior at the same time. 🤔
My older sister and brother are extremely sociopathic and narcissistic. Myself the youngest and my middle brother have been abused by these two elder siblings. They extorted my parents and stole everything they owned after they died. My parents were very honest and caring people and they were destroyed by the older two. Very horrible people. Please stop blaming good parents for the crappy behavior of these horrible evil demons
Hi Jim! I júst came across your youtube channel and I really find you easy to listen to. I am from Sweden so it is important that you use clear and easy language, but even more I response more to your clarity on the subjects you speak about. Listen to you when you explain the impact of a narcissitic mother really hits me in my stomach. I am the scapegoat, the middle child of 3 siblings, a dauhgter. My mother died this spring, 2022, and I did not feel any sorrow or lost. Do you think you could talk more about how deep the wounds can get from such an upbringing. My mother put me thru severe emotional abuse... if I would have to diagnose her I would call her a narcisstic psychopath and I say it just like it is, with no bitterness....but I feel very damaged. It is difficult to explain in short , but I feel the need to understand how to heal better. In order to know that I think I must understand how damaged I am...if you understand what I mean. Thank you for all your videos about this so far and I will look every day for more!
I feel much Better now that I don t see my narcisist mother. Now I have to deal with myself...and solve my problems...wrong patterns....wrong way of thinking. I start with forgivness and compassion....try to love myself....but It seems...in same way that I m not consistent....keep going back and foreward. Little results. I really Need help...but I don t know where to go! I would like to feel Joy for this precious life but I feel tired! Love from Italy 😘
My Nsister wanted to get our father's funeral over with on a Friday instead of having it on that Saturday. It wasn't so much about making sure my brother and I couldn't get there. She'd probably say she was exhausted and just wanted to get it done and put it behind her. But I think maybe it made it so that more people wouldn't be able to make it. I called a couple friends of my father after he passed to invite them, people our family hadn't seen in ages but he had them in his address book. Neither of these couples couples could make it because one or both of them still worked during the week. It was really disappointing. But then after the service, my cousins who did make it, left right after and didn't come to the wake which was a lunch at a nearby restaurant. When I saw my sister a couple days later she talked so much crap about my cousins leaving. I had actually texted with one of my cousins and told him I missed him at the wake. I wasn't mad, I was just disappointed and wanted to see what was up with that, since we had all gone to their parents' funerals and wakes. He had to work! It was a freaking workday. I said this to my sister in the middle of her trash talk and she goes, "Well they didn't ALL have to work!" Which was probably true, since two of them didn't work at all. Thing is that they had the right to leave whatever tf their reasons were. They are from a different county and the two women were likely not comfortable with getting back to their own area by themselves. Something I completely relate to. I may not have gone to their parents' wakes in their county if I didn't have my man with me to drive. And I know for a fact that my sister would be the same way. She herself admits she can't find her way out of her own driveway. It's an obvious exaggeration that we've even laughed about together, but it gets the point across. She doesn't like to drive in unfamiliar areas alone, but she's a princess of double standards.
Interesting you said 'if there's any love left'....you love your siblings from a distance. Well, I am at that stage debating with myself that very thing, is there any? I dunno. Was there any to begin with? I don't know. Both my siblings are narcissists. My. mother was one. My dad was alchoholic, not sure about him being a narc, but it's pretty crazy. My older sister was always put on a pedestal by my parents and I was dumb enough to believe them that she was perfect and I was just a screw up. Well, I've learned recently she was into coke and sleeping around with much younger men. My mother never told me that! As you get older , it becomes clear how important it is to not worry about your siblings so much but it's quite a journey to get there!
Hi Jim, I've been watching your videos since I found you, I really like the tik tok info too. I have an adult narcissist daughter who seemed to transition from a happy relatively easy child at 12/13 to a very difficult young teenager. Mind you there were some behavioural red flags at times prior to this. For the last 22 years she has also been an introvenous drug addict and during this time she has had two daughters. During the last 6 years she has had Drug Induced Psychosis, and ends up in Hospital. She has completed 5 Rehabs but virtually on day one of completion is taking drugs or drinking alcohol. She's 44 years old. The damage she has done to her children and myself has been horrific. Two months ago I went No Contact and have had Legal Constraints put in place so absolutely zero contact in anyway. I'm 66 and want some peace and sanity in my life in my golden years.
Finding you has made a huge difference in my life! The short video of the Narcissist that fakes being sick is what I cam across on Instagram. Blew my mind!! I’ve been learning ever since!! I feel like a weight has been lifted!! Just knowing!! U know! ? 🥰
About to be 46, I am the oldest and not the golden child. That's my brother, 6 years younger. Mother's father did not like girls, it bled into my mother. I see it, I understand, it still hurts. But she made sure all my life that I was never going to be as good as her. I was too sensitive of a child she said. Same thing my husband has said for 20 years, .. you are too sensitive and you are a crazy. Had to use Grey Rock on him. Now, do I walk away from my mother... ???
I believe i grow up with a narcissistic sister. I learned to be flexible, empathic, sharing, walking on eggs 'shells, , it is difficult for me to put banderies. Weirdly enought, she made me become a better person. the downside is, i have difficulties to trust others. I deal with my problems, by myself. I am afraid i will end my life alone. I run away, abroad, came back and i become a psychiatric nurse, and will recover. don't want to be a victim.
Narcissist mother to family scapegoat: Why can't you just get along and put the past where it belongs like the rest of us? (or something similar).
Translation: You need to just shut up, suck it up and take our abuse.
Scapegoat here and this seems exactly what they say. I was also the peacekeeper.
Pretty much sums up of lifetime of family mobbing and cruelty. Once you can stomach the shock and awe of accepting the massive betrayal that has been your life… you can hopefully “ burn down the bridge “ of what is your family of origin because this is No family.
Freedom and peace are on the other side of denial.
If you’ve made it through family scapegoating I believe you are capable of anything ❤
I had to go no contact for my mental and physical health. You can't fix a narcissistic family system.
Same. And I am finally coming to terms with that second part. My therapist said I know cognitively, but I was holding on emotionally. Now I'm done emotionally.
This is my mom and my sisters. I find myself reacting in narcissistic ways. I decided a long time ago not to have children. I am so glad I did as I have watched my niece and nephews wrestle with their moms. I can’t have sister relationships like I see friends have. They keep wanting to engage in the old tired sibling rivalry. Grey rock hasn’t worked. So I just left.
this video describes my family perfectly
- the odd thing to me is that all narcissists seem to have the same personality… it’s like seen one, seen ‘em all
My sister is a narcissist. She has completely taken over our mother's life and undermined my relationship with her. I haven't seen my mother in years. My sister now "manages" our family property and I know I'll never see a damn penny of anything of value, but that's not the point - I want a functional relationship with my mother.
It's so hurtful. My mom is completely enmeshed in her. It's just a sad situation.
I have a narcissist mother who I have gone no contact with and as a result lost the rest of my family as part of the punishment dynamic you mentioned. I went through years of intensive therapy which helped me figure out what had happened. Back then there was not much information about narcissism in the public so it was all new to me. I’m glad that sources like your videos are now on the internet.
Same here. Back then in the 70s emotional abuse was not even recognized by psychologists or the law because there is no proof as in physical abuse.
Let's be friends.
same here! I am still having trouble with relationships now. I went no contact finally and moved states, I have lost my entire extended family. I feel for you, but i am glad to know I am not alone. Thank you for sharing, plz let me know if you have any tips. Much love sent your way
I have the same problem. It took me 55 years to "get out" .. Now I have to figure out how to fix the last 55 years of abuse
@@lisaquigley3855 it will take a while. It is worth it though! Best of luck to you.
That must have been so incredibly hard for you. I agree it is good to be aware of narcissistic traits so people don’t feel so alone x
After 40 years of dealing with a narcissist mother, finally realizing she is incapable of being the loving mother I’ve always longed for & hopes she’d one day become, was actually the hardest part, the grieving put me into a deep, deep depression & the guilt & shame which I hadn’t prepared for was unbearable for a long while. I felt horrible for “abandoning” her. Her words not mine. She had family members even strangers calling to tell me that “this is not the time to divorce your mother” she just wouldn’t let me be. Driving to my home sending my children gifts. I finally decided to move away & stop speaking to her. I’m still struggling with self worth, but feeling better each & every day. Therapy is a life saver. Because for a while it seemed death would have been easier! Almost 2 years later & I realize, if I can survive 4 decades with a narcissist mother who abandoned me & allowed men to abuse me, A father who was physically and emotionally unavailable. I CAN SURVIVE ANYTHING!!! SO CAN YOU!!!
I can see that. What helped me with grieve was realizing, in this world we assume the bad people are outside of your house and somewhere in the world. But what if they are in your house. Nobody prepares you for it and you don't understand that the bad person is here, not out there. So you grow up confused and hoping for the ideal mother you made up in your mind. Coming to terms with reality helped me with grieve. But it's still a sad situation. Especially now I want to become a mother myself, I'm scared I'm copying my own mother. And I'm scared my sister will bully my kids because they are mine. I don't trust a good outcome. I think maybe I'm just going to leave my family all together, not invite them. Keep them on a distance. I never had a family but my kids can, if that means I have to break with my family maybe I should. The the scapegoats and victims of narcissists also have responsibility in not letting the narcissists flourish. They have good lives, they enjoy ruining people. What we can do is not be ruined. Let them see regular healthy minded people live differently and we must live our lives to the fullest too.
You must set your own path & heal your inner child, re-parent yourself it has helped me so much, also create the family you wish you had, become the mother you dreamed of having. I am raising my children far away from my mother. When they were young, I went too far in the opposite direction of my mom & now I’m finding the middle ground to parenting & it’s absolutely lovely! You can do great things in this life, no matter where you came from!!!
My mother hated me until her last moments and grieving her death has been so hard because everyone says how perfect and loving she was but I couldn't meet that side, never liked me not matter if I was better than my brother he was the golden child and I the scape goat. So not even after death I'm free because all the damage was so vast that even reach my own kids
I can deeply relate
I can also relate. I was a middle child and a girl which wasn't valued in my family--both brothers were saints to my parents. Both parents and brothers were narcissists. I could never understand why I couldn't connect with them no matter how I tried. Now I know but I wish I knew a lot sooner. Once I found out that they can't change, I stopped feeling guilty and ended the emotional torture. I no longer see my family and I won't be at their funerals and I'm okay with that.
Very relatable , I do my very best to tell my daughter that she is so much better than me because of it. School, art, her heart, her singing, everything.. You're so much better than mommy at that, I'm so proud of you💜🌹💜
It's not your fault. You can't blame yourself like you can't blame a baby for their mother's neglect and rejection.
Think of the baby and the child you were; would you blame the child? No, you would not.
Don't worry I also relate. My older sister used to be the golden child and I used to be the scapegoat. Because my mother would pressure my sister with expectations and then she started snapping at me, due to her pressure. Our mother would compare us and made me feel inferior compared to my sister. Our father wanted a divorce with our mother, but since he didn't do that he was just missing from home.
Omg! Thank you for this, what a validation! Yes I was the scapegoat! With narcissistic brothers and mother! My mother disinherited me, and then I found out my siblings had been trash talking about me for years. I was 40 years old before I realized I was not responsible for all the things I was blamed for.
When she became ill my brother told me I needed permission from him to see her in the nursing home, and when she passed, i had to call my youngest brother to find out the time and day of the burial. And I was excluded from other activities, funded by her money, including plane travel, hotels, car rentals to tour the old farm etc.
I recently went no contact with my family.
I did my best with all the tools given to me in therapy. I was diplomatic, understanding, empathetic.
After years of trying to form healthy dynamics, I came up short. Old patterns stayed and I was always going to be seen as less than or, as you said, inferior.
Fighting for myself has been the best.
My 20 were hard but, I have what I have always wanted. Freedom and peace.
Your description of a narcissistic mother and her relationship to daughter(s) is so accurate! My mother would glorify me in public, criticise me and be agressive in private, be excessively demanding/never satisfied, of course showing no sign of affection, understanding or even dialogue, to the point the better option for me was to become as invisible as possible. I wasn't physically abused in any way, it was more pernicious... For example when I was very young she often lost me in supermarkets, showed up very late after school while I waited in the street... Later on I was denied medical care to the point it threatened my life (I had asthma). And the obvious triangulation with my only sibling (golden child) doomed our sister-brother relationship from the beginning.
Same here. Let's be friends
It has always been very obvious that my mother, the queen of the world, is a narcissist. Any signs of my younger self that hinted of confidence was attacked and belittled. Over the years, my little sister, who resembles my mother very much was my person that I shared my relationship pain with of my mother with. She is also difficult and unpredictable. As time has passed, my sister has become my mother. Her narcissism has more meanness though. My mother, now an old lady, has become sentimental and writes me letters of times that she misses with us. But I am done, there is nothing there for her. With my sister though, I feel betrayed and used.
I'm 42 and have always felt like something was off on my family, but couldn't put my finger on it....the veil has been lifted! Unfortunately I am still living with my NM but I am working on my escape. I'm so trauma bonded that I'm a little scared too even post this, in fear somehow my family could see this.
❤
Good for you for having the courage, wishing you the best x
My mum has NPD. Her relationship with my adult brother is exactly as you’ve described. Exactly. It’s really twisted.
He’s 50... & still at home with “mummy”, having never worked, never had a partner, & claiming “disability” because of the abuse I endured as the scapegoat of our family... yet refuses to discuss it with his mental health practitioners, in order to protect HER. 🙄
Best thing I ever did was leave.
It’s Jerry Springer on acid, in my family. Truly truly truly fucked up.
Same here. Let's be friends & form a group to help each other
I am really happy my golden child "sister" gets everything from the parents and their parents, I doubt only there is a tiny bit Love in it. Wherenever there are narcissists, there CAN BE no Love, no creating source, no energy of Life. Thank You!!
You have described my life!! And the grief process is on going. You are spot on about my mother and older sister
Please know you’re not alone in your experience, or grief. It can get better.
Once I realised it was ALL in THEIR head, & it didn’t matter who was standing in front of them (me or someone else), their behaviour would be the same.
@@pseudopuppy160 Your compassion and wisdom means mountains to me!! Thank you for reaching out to me, Blessings
@@pseudopuppy160 Acceptance
@@pseudopuppy160 Also, wanted you to know that my heart goes out to you , having to experience this type of pain
@@pseudopuppy160 is poo😮😅
You hit the nail on the head Jim....you described my family to a tee.
🎯
Same for me too!
And mine...and many more's ❤
same here to a Tee
I’m 58 and just realized that this is how I grew up. I didn’t know this was narcissistic behavior. My mom and brother were this way. I have a question…does this make someone more likely to be like this to their family after growing up this way?
Absolutely not. I am the product of a narcissistic mother and 3 sisters. Both parents died during lockdown. All the sisters kept their possessions and locked me and my family out of my parent's home. I only have 1 child, but if I had 4, I would never pit one against the other, nor encourage any kind of narcissistic behaviour. I hope you find your peace. I have cut my whole family off due to the way I have been treated my whole life. I will only talk to them through a lawyer now. I Hope you find your peace x
No. But be careful because you'll attract them as partners and friends.
Absolutely NOT. Grew up with 2 NPD parents... & stepmother.
Brother succumbed to it, despite having a B.psychology.
My entire life is about NOT being like them.
@@cabax1234 I’m in an almost identical situation. Best thing ever was cutting off my NPD family.
In solidarity I stand. 💪❤️💪
It took me years as well. When l revisited some events this past year, l was horrified: my mother could not have been more evil. Though my mother is dead, l still feel her rage and deceit. My sister, 2 years younger, took up the slack. I have gone gray rock with her.
Jim, you nailed it. Thank you. You're doing a great service. At the risk of sounding like l am feeling sorry for myself (l am not), l believe childhood victims of narcissistic mothers, especially mothers who committed emotional incest and/or molestation, have suffered one of the greatest acts of violence perpetrated on humanity. This scourge needs to be brought to light, and you are helping do this.
I think one of the strangest things my mother does is if someone dies, she says weird things to make it about her.
I called her to tell her my father passed away and here's a direct quote. (Because I sounded sad) "If anyone deserves to be on the front of the 'grief train', it is ME." He was my husband. That is closer than a father to his daughter."
BTW my mom divorced him when I was four and rarely saw him after that. Probably a ten times tops.
I lived with my dad for a while as a teen and young adult and lived in the same town, spent many years more than she did.
But that's beside the point.
My dad died.
We both deserved to grieve
It didn't need to be a competition
Grief train?!
She was angry because I sounded sad.
She did something similar when my boyfriend had a heart attack and died. She made weird comments and was aggressive and insulting.
So I stopped telling her things. When I had uterine cancer only one of my kids knew, and my boyfriend and best friend.
I didn't need her to chime in while I went through hell.
I am fifty and she is still abusive so I gave up two years ago and went no contact.
I still find myself staring off into space when people are talking to me and seeing awful memories.
Our mother has worked hard to divide us four siblings.
Have definitely dealt with family who don't understand living a life of being invalidated, undermined and devalued.
Have got to the point of not caring anymore and grey rocking. No point in continuing a relationship when you realise your mother hates you. Took me 13 years from going to therapy at 50 to deal with a dysfunctional family to get here.
I’m grieving big time!!!!! Both mom and brother are major narcs. My dad died two years ago. My brother told me only two days before when and where the memorial would be. After I told him that I wanted to be involved and help. I had pictures that could have been added to the slideshow. And more horrible abusive treatment from my brother and his wife as my dad was passing away. It is a dress rehearsal to the horrible nightmare that is coming when my mom passes away, as there is a house and inheritance involved. My brother talks about me to other family members - betrays confidences and tells lies. I cannot understand why he hates me soooo much. He has always been bonded to my parents. But, not me … my friends are my life- giving family. I want to be FREE of these people soooo bad. It is torture!!!!!
You just described my relationship with my mother… I stopped talking to her last week and I feel like my heart is breaking… but I know nothing will ever change. Wish I didn’t care.
I had no idea this is what it was. I knew it was dysfunctional but I had no name for it. Thank you for putting a name to it, and especially the feelings towards mother’s day
Thank you 🙏 it's really heavy. My only parent drains and takes. My mother is a chronic victim who needs to be listened to endlessly. She has no interest in me nor supports me. She doesn't even care to listen and at my hardest times she has always just blamed me and been concerned of herself
I grew up with an addict / narcissistic mother. And I've struggled with my sister and our relationship dynamic when it comes to our shared trauma. She has slowly turned into a narcissist, and I have been at the forefront of the abuse. After 33 years, I said enough. I have been struggling to understand what the behavior was and how destructive it is. I am doing my best to learn how to deal with losing my only sibling and my mother to NPD and addiction. Your video helps me to place the emotions with clarity and validation that I am not crazy, and the only thing I can do, is walk away and love from afar.
My mother did most of these and also somehow always managed to make herself the victim in every relationship especially with me and my brother.
This an excellent summation, thank you! One thing I have to admit to thinking and feeling with a treacherous narcopathic family is, "What exactly did you people win? Was it really worth it to be a monster? That's all you know, that's all you are, that's you."
It's like watching a pack of hungry dogs fighting over the chicken wishbone, what is the fight for?
I have experience with the things you are talking about. There has been a lot of triangulation between my narcissistic mother and sister and lots of preferential treatment. My sister and I have been born a decade a part and have never been encouraged to have a close, loving relationship even though I remember being very loving and protective of my sister as a child. When I talked to my mother about this, she blames the lack of a relationship with my sister on the age difference, when in reality it is due to the triangulation. Mother tells us different things to each of us at different points in time. Our mother controls both of us with money, keeping us, adult children, dependent on her.
The woman who birthed and raised me is a narcissist. Saw it clearer in my 30's, and decided to walk away for good. 6 years later, I regret nothing. Only one brother talks to me (that is fine, I lost all respect for my older brother 13 years ago when my Dad was dying). She wanted a princess but got a tomboy lol. Couldn't control me to her liking so she took it out on my husband and kids.
-Burned my kid (he was not even 2)
-Tried pinning me n my hubby against each other
-Lied to my sister in laws about me
-Told me she hopes I lose my job and have to go on welfare.
That was enough 👋
My life has been a living hell with a narcissistic mother and then younger sister no matter how much love , compassion, financial help , kindness it’s never enough they just manipulate and take and take they lie about you because they resent that you’re a good person they destroy your life and yet I’ve still tried to care and look after them . My mother is elderly now and I live overseas but come home to look after her clean her house , cook dinner and take her shopping whatever she wants me to do and she’s mellowed somewhat but my sister has become a manipulative user and abuser and I think I’ve been fooled by her for over 30 years constantly fixing her problems and life I’ve had enough torture and pain she’s destroyed my marriage and my beautiful brother took his own life 18 months ago because he had enough of the torture. I’m broken-hearted without him because he was the only normal sibling my life is in ruins but I keep praying for strength without my faith I don’t know where I would be . I still just try to do the right thing until my mother goes then that’s it not many know the absolute depths of pain of narcissistic abuse .
Listening to you describe experiencing a narccasistic Mother and Siblings is exactly my experience. My Mom, and 3 Brothers are all Narcassists which made my life extremely challenging. I am the scapegoat which was targeting continuously. I have long since walked out of their lives which has actually saved mine 🙏 I went to seek therapy for over 2 years working on healing my inner child wounding which has lifted the confusion...insecurities...and lack of self worth so that I created a magical existence in which I'm eternally grateful for 🙏 I feel a great sense of relief knowing I broke this cycle of abuse before I became a Mother so I actually became the Mother that I deserved 💞 My children have a deep loving respectful relationship that I'm over the moon in being part of this sacred union unfold before my eyes daily 🤗
Thank you for your incredibly helpful videos that are helping so many 🙏 You remind me of the therapist I went to whom guided me back into wholeness that I never knew possible 😊
You are so fortunate to have worked thru this and become a successful parent !
@@margoh7655 I'm not fortunate...I worked hard at achieving it
My mother once said she keeps nagging me because I hate it and its her way of making me do exactly what she wants right when she needs it. I got so mad and she was shocked that I was mad. These narcs don't even realize they are being narcissistic. My sibling is a true narcissist but my mother does have narcissistic tendencies and she always takes revenge on me. At this point I don't want my kids to be around my family. I try not to take revenge back or even talk back because it just makes them work harder on ruining me. I don't go on vacation with them, no weddings, no family meet ups, I can't be around my mother and sibling in public because they tell embarrassing stories about me and change what exactly happened and make me the topic to laugh about. They can go talk about me without me. Not with me present just to see me get ashamed about things I didn't even do or wasn't contextually true, and they want me to push back a little just so there is this fake argument and it makes it seem like something weird did happen and it's a "personal problem". These narcissistic family members always try to tell me that is something wrong with my personality. As if I should change. It's a hobby of theirs. So I let them think I'm stupid untill I can leave forever. They tell everyone I'm incompetent and their friends test me and I always push back and then they cry about it to my sibling or mother who is the narcissist because they expect me to not stand up for myself because they have seen my mother and sister treat me badly, and just assume I'm OK with that.
Jordan b peterson also helped alot in saying that mothers need to know they take revenge on their kids and they have to know that to work on themselves. Now when my mother or sister bully me, I tell myself these narcs take revenge and they have a narcissistic injury at this moment, don't stress, they can't handle themselves nor do they want to. And if it's me or the, I choose me. Because people have to save themselves first.
I know they are narcissistic because my life is better when they are not around and when we don't have the same friends.
Unfo4tunately i have both parents as narcissits. Covert-dad and overt-mum. And worse still they are leaders in society. So this made my childhood extreme. More so my teens and early adulthood when they suddenly decided to be more 'involved' in my life and had more free time.
I was second in a family of six. My older brother and mother both fit these descriptions. I was constantly reminded of how much I cost, all the sacrifices made for me, how ungrateful I was, how she only had me to replace a stillborn sibling before me, how I would grow up like an alcoholic relative - by my mother. At the same time my older brother would constantly abuse me physically and mentally, and was constantly threatened by anything I was good at doing - sports, academia, chopping wood, you name it - he would always find a way to devalue any achievement I made.
Later, when it was discovered that he had sexually abused the second youngest sister, my mother covered it up, and convinced her that my brother was also a victim. Years later, when I found out, I was ostracised for supporting my sister. I was soon isolated, and my reputation with friends and extended family was trashed.
It broke me, my career, and my relationship with my partner. So I left my family, and surrounded myself with good people instead.
I'm still so confused, and have many of the problems you described in this video. However, without the constant feedback that I am the author of my own failings, I am now receiving professional help, and my life is improving.
Both of my parents are high in narcissistic traits but my mum is the covert type, and an enabler of my dad's abuse. There's just my older brother and me; he's the golden child and I'm the scapegoat but my mum used me as her therapist - someone to perpetually listen to the vicimthood narrative of all of her adult problems, to turn me against the family members that had wronged her/us. The triangulation never brought me to a place with my mother where I was actually close to her, or beyond her suspicions, paranoia and anger.
Once I started setting boundaries, refusing to act as her counselor, or hear about her grievances she became so unfathomably passive aggressive to get revenge. She couldn't be direct with me about her resentment, so she used the weapons in her arsenal against me.
No loyalty among narcissists. No love beyond how we serve their ends. Every time I miss her, I remember that I don't miss her. I miss who I hoped she was. I miss who she pretended to be when she was trying to get her own fix from me. I miss someone that in reality can't see me, and I'm finally grieving that properly for the first time in my life.
That's so true! My mother have been like that back and forth. It made me emotionally unstable.
Hi Jim. I'm so glad I came across this, I found you on insta and went to RUclips for this particular video. I'm 37 and I never realised I had narcissist siblings until recently. I think I always wanted to see good in them and justified everything they did to me. I have 4 siblings, one I always knew was like this but one sister who I was always soooo close to I thought the sun shone out of her arse. Until I slowly but surely realised that she had been covertly manipulating me for many years. My mother is controlled by her, I think because she feels guilty for being physically and emotionally abusive towards us as kids and my sister now seems to be cashing in, not financially but like a revenge manipulative tactic. She controls everyone in family and I tool a step back a little and I got punished so badly that I just kept stepping further and further away. Now I'm no contact with 2 siblings. I keep a surface level relationship with my mother. It's the most horrendous pain I have ever endured in my life. I'd like to say it gets easier but I just got used to it now and I choose to prioritise the people in my life that respect me. Thanks for this video. Hugely helpful.
Im so sorry. Im dearly sorry.
@@njerindichu8271 thank you 🙏
Thank you for these videos. I would have to write a book to cover all the experiences of being the child of a Narc parent and then having to come to terms with my siblings who have followed in his footsteps. It feels like I can’t unsee it now. I’ve know it all along but didn’t want to believe it. I’m grieving now the Dad I didn’t have and the two younger siblings who I protected from the neglect and abuse of our parents. I was their scapegoat punching bag. And the siblings have followed suit now that they have passed. I have to come to terms with accepting what is, grieving their loss and thanking God for all those I have in my life who see me and accept me for who I am.
@@RS-ov2st and the same back to you! Thank you!
Brother is textbook covert narc, parents enable him, parents are covert as well, but brother dynamic has made me the most sad, hurt and angry. I’m very sad and angry at my parents at how much my parents enable his behavior.
I grew up with a mother who pitted my sibs against me. It was not until my dads death that we realized how destructive she was! At 94 she continues this behavior, but now it’s more obvious as she reverts to manipulative toddler like behaviors.
Could you address how we can deal with demands ( and needs) of our geriatric narcissistic mothers?
I didn’t realize until recently that this is how I grew up. I am starting counseling soon to get the healing I need and tools to help change this in my family with my kids.
10/11/23
Today I ended my relationship with my brother. It’s been a long time coming, but for some reason I was reluctant to end his narcissistic influence over me. He really is a narcissist. He can easily have you thinking you’re crazy. He’ll deny something he did, and not stop badgering you until you are convinced you got it wrong and that everything is your fault. It is truly mind-blowing. He is a master gas-lighter. He accuses you of doing to him the very things he did to you! He mixes truth with lies. He deludes you into thinking you’re crazy or must be confused. You think maybe he’s right; you must be wrong, or maybe you’re the evil one. It makes your head spin.
I know people will say, “Not me. He couldn’t do that to me.” But until you’ve dealt with a true narcissist, you can’t say that. Especially one who has such a strong emotional hold over you. It was a lifelong mind game that I could never win. I just wanted to make him love me the way all my friends' big brothers loved them.
Growing up with a narcissist sibling is its own kind of hell, especially whey you're an empath. I am an empath. The first memories I have in life are of him whispering in my ear, “I wish you were dead.” It’s something he told me over and over as we grew up. “I wish you were dead,” or “I hope you die, or I hate you” And he meant it.
He was always my worst enemy, growing up. And I couldn’t go to our parents, because from a young age, we were forbidden to say anything negative or express any feelings of sadness, anger, fear, or anything like that, because it would upset mom. So our father laid down a strict rule of not complaining about anything that happened to us. We were to hold it in. He said we could come to him, but we knew he’d just say they were stupid thoughts, and tell us to concentrate on school.
My brother would make things up and tell everyone in the neighborhood, trying to get them to ridicule me. He was so cruel. When my parents went out, the torture would begin. The beatings, the locking me out in the snow with bare feet and no coat, etc.
I forgave all that and chalked it up to childhood meanness, but I was wrong. He didn’t become less despicable or unkind as he grew; he evolved. He matured in his manipulation. He became more proficient in his exploitation and skillful with his cruelty. His rhetoric became much more intense and impossible to argue with. He provokes confrontation. He knows my buttons, so he calls and starts with the things he knows will be hurtful to me. Then he starts arguing. There have been times I answer my phone and he is screaming at me about something, before I even say hello.
He feels entitled to things without working. It’s embarrassing. I asked him to help a boyfriend move a chest down the stairs, and while they were halfway down, he just let go. The boyfriend was in front with the chest on his back and Paul just let go, saying it was starting to hurt his back. Bullshit. He’s one of those annoying people who won’t lift a finger to help anyone. And if he’s ever cornered into doing something for someone else, he’ll do it with such a bad attitude, and will passive-aggressively do such a terrible job, that you won’t want him back. So he’ll never be asked to do anything again. He wins, and he doesn't care what anyone thinks of him.
We were both adopted from different parents. He was over a year old and he was neglected by whomever took care of him. I’ve wondered if that’s what happened to him. But regardless of how he became the way he is, I’ll no longer be the one suffering because of it.
Through the years, friends have tried to convince me to have nothing more to do with him. “But he’s my brother,” I’d say.
When my mother was dying, I was staying with her. She was so weak and I cleaned her up, showered her and made meals. I’d be in the shower with her and the phone would ring and ring until the answering machine picked up. He would hang up and call again and it would ring and ring until the machine picked up. He'd hang up and call again. And he’d do it again and again until I answered. “Where were you? I need to talk to you. Don’t put me off like that” And he’d go on about himself, blah blah blah… Or he’d ask how she was doing, and pummel me with accusatory questions about the way I was taking care of her. Like he knew what he was talking about! I’m the RN and he was asking all kinds of questions to which he wouldn’t even know the correct answers.
I told him to stop it with the phone calls, but he didn’t. I stayed at my mom's house for a few weeks and called to ask him to please come over and let me take a break and go to my place for a while. To my surprise he came down from Jax. I was going to take a bath, do some laundry, and cook something for myself, and I told him that. He said, “Well I need to leave in 45 minutes. You have to be back by then." I almost cried. So I came back in 45 minutes. As soon as he left, my mother told me that she had decided to leave him the car, the plasma TV, etc. That's when I understood the actual reason he came down. 45 minutes was just long enough to gaslight my mother. For our entire lives he’s been undercutting me to our parents, so who knows what he said to her.
After our last parent died, the inheritance was in a trust for 5 years, and in that time, if one of us died, the survivor would get all the money. I was a traveling nurse with my boyfriend. We traveled far away from him, and would joke and laugh about him knocking me off and getting all the money. But we were serious, really. I was a little scared.
His weird quirks:
Little sounds or lights bother him to an inappropriate extreme.
I asked him to pick me up from the airport and we were driving on the interstate and he kept bitching about a sound that was driving him crazy. I mean yelling, bitching. He was saying there was something in the back that he could hear, and he couldn’t take it anymore. We pulled off the interstate and he stood there as I unpacked the back of my SUV (because he doesn’t lower himself to such menial labor. He just stood there and pointed) and it turned out to be a tiny zipper pull on the front of my carry-on bag. I mean a tiny little pull. I put it back so it was face-down and everything was fine after that. How did he hear that little zipper pull?
He is incapable of feeling shame or embarrassment. He will lose his temper in public and think nothing of it. He loses his temper at the drop of a hat, and If things don’t go precisely his way, he starts yelling at you.
He is incapable of taking the needs of others into consideration. Only his wants and needs are worthy of any regard.
He doesn’t understand the suffering of others.
But he seems to love animals. Dogs. He picks up strays, but then dumps them on others. They then must take care of them and pay their expenses, while he can still drop by and see them.
He kept tabs on any assistance I received from our parents and tried to say he was owed. Most of the time the things he said, never even happened. In our 50s he was saying Dad paid for my car insurance when I was 18, which was not true. He refuses to believe me. He gets angry when he talks about it. And that was over 40 years ago!
Since I started rejecting his gaslighting, he’s been inundating me with such vile, hateful text messages I had to say, no more. I’m not putting up with this shit anymore.
He did a lot of damage to my life, but I always forgave him. He is my only sibling.
Why has it taken me so long to estrange myself from someone who had such a profound negative impact on my life? I really don’t know…
But as I sit here and rehash some of the things I stuffed away and ignored for a lifetime, I’m starting to understand. All those years I refused to acknowledge his obvious lack of any emotional attachment to me. And you can’t make someone who is incapable of loving, love you.
I think about those hateful utterances of wishing I was dead, being my first memories. When you’re that young, you think your situation in life is ordinary and that everyone is living in similar circumstances. It always seemed so normal to me.
I guess I can forgive myself for putting this off for so long. I’m just happy for the strength to end it now. (Finally, at age 63, I officially give up)
It’s weird that throughout the rest of my life, how many narcissistic people I chose to be in relationships with. I found myself trying to win their love, which is always impossible. And I did this over and over. I have since swept them from my life. He is the last. I can say I’ve built a satisfying life for myself.
One more thing; to anyone in a similar situation; The key to letting go of a narcissist is to make them believe they have won. He thinks he ended the relationship, which is how I orchestrated it. If you feel you have to win the argument, then you are setting yourself up for trouble. The only chance a Narcissist will let you get away unscathed is to let them think they ended it. Take my word for it. Make sure they think they have the upper hand. It's no guarantee they won't seek revenge for some fabricated wrong you did them, but your chances of a peaceful separation are better if they think they have won. At least that's my experience.
Wow, what a load-off! Time to go sit in the jacuzzi
You have no idea how familiar this is!
1. Brag about you in public (to make her look good) 2. Criticize/devalue in private (to keep you from progressing)
My younger sister, whom I still love deeply, has been dominating and demeaning me since childhood. I was the older quieter person, who had to care for her, wash her clothes, pack her lunchbox etc when mom went to work.
She abused both me and mom.
We are both grown up now and in our 50s. Whenever, I visit her, she treats me less than a dog.
I became suicidal at one point ...
only recently I heard this term "Narcissist Personality Disorder."
I have reduced my interactions with her but I miss my little sister! My parents have died. She is all I have but she finds me so low class!!
God help me.
My husband grew up with 2 Narcissistic parents and a Narcissist older brother. All 3 made our life hell, and we’ve gone no contact with them for most of our marriage. My husband resumed a relationship with his older narcissistic brother, but it’s always fraught with fighting and trouble making. My husband is just understanding now that his brother is narcissist like his parents. Also I grew up with a Narcissistic Mother and chronic invalidation. Your videos are a great help to both of us. It all makes sense. Thanks. Keeps the videos coming.
I was home visiting my father a year after my narcissistic mother passed on, sibling brother and his flying monkeys visited her gravesite that day at the cemetery along with some liquor which they brought, after which they came and visited my father and me. My brother, the narc golden child, brought home a demon and started doing the manifestation dance around us, crazy voice coming out of his mouth, odd movements. Quite a distruptive afternoon indeed. Too bad he can't remember anything. My Dad didn't know exactly what was going on but later remark he "had seen him drunk many times but had never seen him like that, very strange"
Strange indeed.
Narcs and alcohol make a bad cocktail
Also, avoid cemeteries as much as you can, ok 👍
Im 60 years old and have resently breaked with my narcissistic mom and sosiopath sister (the Golden Child), and have seeked Help from a traumatherapist from IOPT. Its very clary to ME now❤
My sister took everything after my dad passed away and what's even worst she manipulated me to came back to take care of mum (narcisstic as well) who really doesn't need a care of.
this is so precisely accurate. it removes any doubt because you provide such clear examples and definitions.
You are an excellent communicator!
I have 2 narc parents and I'm low contact as mandated by surrogate court. They petitioned to have me removed as my brothers legal backup guardian (he has down syndrome and legally must have guardians) and they lied to the judge that id cut contact with my brother for 3 years. The judge found no reason to remove me thankfully. My parents have continued to attempt to hoover me by email, no mention of the court case or any sort of apology and i expect they never will. Every few weeks they email me and try to force a reply. I remain focused on my healing and my brother's well-being. 💯 i see him every week and love my time with him.
There is so much that makes sense in your video. I am the oldest of 3 kids. Of my 2 brothers one was disabled. My parents divorced when I was 10 and 2 years later my disabled brother passed away. At that point my mother turned to drinking. Fast forward to the present, my mother has been sober for 19 years and recently my grandfather passed away. The surmounting stress around his passing lead to my mother getting really abrasive with me. I've been wondering for years if I'm crazy because my mother will tell me things like, you never said that, that's not how it happened and has told me I have problems with my memory and should see a Dr. I got to a point that I completely stopped talking to her 3 months ago. My brother and I are close. However, when it comes to our mother he always tries to remain neutral. Your videos are helping me to see that, I am in fact not crazy and perhaps the daughter of a narcissist instead. Thank you!!!!
They always gaslight their victims to make them think they are crazy and they smear you also telling everyone you are a nut case. It's named after a movie (black and white) "Gaslight" with Ingrid Bergman playing the victim's role.
That was my mother to a T. Took me decades to go no contact and heal from her.
I promise you this: YOU WEOTE THIS DIALOGUE AND VIDEO BASED ON MY FAMILY. MY MOTHER AND MY SISTER. IT IS ALMOST IDENTICAL TO WHAT I HAVE GONE THROUGH MY ENTIRE LIFE WITH BOTH OF THEM. EVERYTHING YOU MENTIONED HAS HAPPENED ALMOST EXACTLY AS YOU STATED AND DESCRIBED. My mother is deceased but I can’t stand to even hear my sibling’s name. She is always in competition with me and now her daughter and granddaughter. She will stop at nothing to destroy everyone around her. She has to be the winner. The special child that everyone loves and makes sure that I am hated. I cannot stand the idea of being around her. I promise you, when my mother died all I felt was that I had been released from prison. I had no grief. With her daughter, I feel nothing but pure disgust. I have tried to change that but that hasn’t worked and I don’t think it ever will. Thank you.
I am convinced that Personality Disorder is inherited. It ran wild all over my family. Before I knew what was going on, I was lucky enough to wound people into dumping me just by keeping my soul alive. I got no acknowledgement or support when I recognized that my baby daughter was unable to respond to me, only imitate me. No doctors or educators knew (or would admit to knowing) what I was talking about. My own research led me through autism and Asperger's to personality disorder and started my healing and my ability to make sense of my life. Thank God for the internet and people like this guy getting the information out there.
60 /70%inherited higher almost guaranteed if both your parents are narcissistic. Full blown NPD.
A narcissist mum and older sister. I carry trauma with me all the time. I am nearly 50 and I don't speak to my sister but I don't feel I can cut my mum off but my mum still triangulates and favours my sister, always telling me what wonderful things her or her family have done, always pointing out that I should do everything like my sister. They've ruined my life and I feel so alone.
I have grown up with Quadruple whammy of narcissistic mother and father plus narcicisric brother and narccisric sister.
Blessings, you just explained clearly my entire 25 years of madness with my neice, who I raised when her mother died at 15 months. This madness began when my great neice started being quietly deceitful. This child became a teenage mom by the age of 14 it broke my heart, but she had the best love and generational family support of 3 great great great aunts and my two daughters who were college students. I thought that with all this love and me supporting her, that life would be good. This teen great great neice with the same boy ending up with 3 children by age 16. This is when the manifestation of her narcissistic personality began to show. My neice walked away from the toddlers to be with the father who had no job money or any means to provide the basics for their 3 abandoned babies . I financially was able to provide for them as I am doing to this day. This mother and father both had narcissistic psychopath personalities that had a big emotional impact on these teens as I share. The mother destroyed them when she wanted to remove them from my care. They had a stable structural life, studest good grades, well-behaved loved by their teachers they enjoyed school. They were doing so well with a holistic diet vitamins regiment from infancy. This mom was in and out of their life as a teen mom. She tried to drow them when she left all 3 in a running bathtub and walked away. The oldest was able to get the two youngest out before they drowned. She threw the second born baby across the bed like an object when she was born because she didn't want to card for when she was crying. She was disconnected from these girls, and now I realized that you described my situation as I continue to help these 3 girls and mom age 32 who hates her girls waiting for the legal age to walk away. She is unable to live anywhere for 6 months, which has had an impact on the children inability to make friends. This narcissistic mom destroyed these children because she didn't raise them this action was to prove that she is the mother. They would tell me about her behavior towards them. SILENCE NO EMOTIONAL CONNECTION. The children are in a mental health crisis and have no regard for anyone. They steal lie and use drugs now. They have jumped their mother and ganged up on me once. They have always known me to be their grandmother, not 3rd great aunt. All I know its been a major mental health crisis with my neice, her children and the childrens father, and his mentally ill girlfriend, who had 12 children using them for profit. All of her children are taken by the child protection system. Jim, all that you described is a true experience of these once beautiful children lives. You gave the example, and now your solution for me to let go will save my life free me from trying to save this generation of family that is so far from me helping at this time. You're a great therapist. I have learned so much about narcissistic parents that they destroy divide and do so much harm to their children. You don't know how much you helped me with this insight into this personality disorder.disorder Thank you from the ❤ AFRICAN AMERICAN WOMAN 50S GENERATION.
Thank you, all dead on for me. I’ve been in therapy for low self esteem for years, and cut off my narcissistic sister a year and a half ago. It was so strange how I felt this need to call her and apologize for a very long time. Over time I finally saw her as a narcissist and everything she has and continues to do. When my family tell me things she is saying to play the victim I just shrug. It is sad, but I refuse to go along and allow myself to be her supply any longer. I hope knowing this and doing the work will help me be a good mother!
Jesus, have you been over to my family? Sibling, spot on.
I am the family scapegoat. I have never measured up in my parents eyes. Growing up, my sisters and I were always compared to others and as adults, I'm constantly compared to my siblings. No decision I make is every good enough. My older sister calls my mother a narcissist, but she is actually worse than her. Will give me the silent treatment for months and my parents expect me to 'fix' it. My younger sister, the golden child, can do no wrong. I have constant feelings of worthlessness. My mother has often said to me that I have nothing to show for myself. Nice, huh? But they expect me to be fine with it. And my father questions why I'm not close to my sisters. He put both of them in charge of their trust for when they die. I know they will cut me out of everything. I don't even care at this point. They will die like me and not take it with them. It does make me sad though. daily.
I'm totally grossed out by these dynamics. How dare they! They must be dead to ever escape their toxicity. That is the only way out probably. Unfortunate.
My father is Narcissistic and he also made my sister and brother like him… all of them tell lies.. and gaslight me .. they only talk to me when they need me.. and they keep on using me.. I feel empty and my heart is always looking for someone whom I can relay on and no one 😢
I no longer look for love or validation from the mother. It is all a big pretence with her. Once I realised she was a narcissist everything became clear. She has parentified me and wants to be the child in this relationship.
Thank you Jim for this video. I was undermined my whole life by family. My family was never emotionally safe. Its been painful. I was a strong willed child and had alot of talent and was often targeted. I value autonomy. I have hope and doing the healing work. Rebuilding isn't easy especially when you get older but well worth it. I'm so grateful for RUclips community. Best of luck to everyone on post.
I have a narcissistic brother. And you hit the nail on the head. Growing up with him was not easy.
8/8/22
Hi My name is Jose and I was just watching your video and I wanted to say thank you because I’ve been going through a lot my dad passed away last year and my mother and my sister both showed their true narcissistic face after he passed I am on a two-year no contact with them and yeah
Feel your pain Jose!!
I haven't got the courage to leave her behind
I'll have to suffer and endure while she's here
Perhaps I'll get a few good decades for a
life of my own in the future, GOD willing
Strength and peace be with You and Yours
This is coming to a head, exactly as described, right now.
Grew up with a full blown narc mom- covert- and older narc sister. Very difficult situation and i am wondering how i survived!!!
my fear is that I am also like that because I experienced it for so long both as a child and an adult and I thought that it was normal
I am from India which is not an individualistic society. There is always the involvement of your family members in your everyday matters. Currently dealing with narcissistic mother and sister and their un warranted involvement in my marriage life. It is extremely difficult to cut off my relationship with them. Absolutely clueless. Having hard time dealing with them.
The subtle crap; "I'm trying to figure out what to do about my will, I got to leave your sister something, but I also need to leave 'm' something; so I've got nothing to leave you." M happens to be cousin from my paternal side. The true goldenchild who reflects her grandiose religious self-righteous attitude. Sister didn't speak to dad for 27 yrs. He wasn't a great dad, so that was exploited and she received praise for cutting off at 13. My sister did not receive abuse of any kind from him. I did. Mom vacillated between whether I should be spending time with him or cut him off, often criticizing me for doing both as some sort of moral failure. Dad died early 2022, Mom texted asking if he had a will that same day. Said it was because she wanted to know if he wanted burial or cremation. But never offered any help with that. My sister never contacted me about it even though my mother was with her at the time she was told of his death. Back to her Will; shed suggested her business could be my inheritance (not much of a business, but whatever). After 2020, my wife and I thought, let's do it, she wants to retire and it's all I'm going to get anyway,plus I had been furloughed. She said, this is to be my inheritance, then once I was ocked in she started asking me when we were going to start paying her for the business. It was right about then I finally realized what I was dealing with. Anyhow, I got suppliers to send paperwork for her to sign, formed my own LLC, Specified that the paperwork should show the business was officially paid for within the contract with suppliers. She tried to position herself as the head of the new company, in charge of finances. That simply wasn't going to happen. She signed the paperwork because she wanted to quit working. Then complained that she had no money, didn't know where her next meal was coming from and we needed to start paying her for my inheritance. Then she promptly went on a road trip to California to my sister's place, was even nmin Washington where my daughter lives, but never visited her or her great granddaughter. Then she went in a Caribbean Cruz. We've not given her a dime. I went no contact.
I so appreciate and love his delivery ❤ So much respect.
Yep…I never feel good enough. I’m starting to believe that she has truly sabotaged me so many times in my life. I am an only child and she has no one else so I take the brunt of everything.
Also even though I’m a girl she still expected me to fill some of the roles of a husband when she didn’t have one. While she was married or in a relationship she would leave me alone/ignore me. And then when she couldn’t find a man to control…she expected me to do things like mow the yard etc. I still consider this emotional incest as she was putting me in the place of a partner. she was sharing intimate details and too much information to me from an early age.
Yes. I grew up with zero privacy and my siblings were informants. I had zero childhood and was made the identified patient. It was bizarre.
Same here. Let's be friends & form a support group
Basically just put in a nutshell my 45 year long life as the first born scapegoat to a narcissistic mom and 43 year year old grandiose narcissist brother. The inheritance scammer is the 41 year old younger sister. Between the three of them as their mutual source of narcissistic supply I go through daily battles and will be defending myself from irrational attempts to dominate me from my brother that lead straight into mom jumping to his support and gaslighting with obvious lies that bare no resemblance to reality. I have recently discovered the situation and been learning about narcissistic abuse and have had the clouded chaos and confusion lifted and can't go back so I easily defend myself with truth and honesty but am far beyond pushed to my limits and am not holding back anymore so they feign victimization and act like my reaction is unjustified and unreasonable. Constantly shifting the point because they have nothing to stand on as a point so divert the focus on to any imperfections they can point to about me. The three of them are pathological liars and will go as far as attempting to get me murdered by cops with lies because they can't debate on merit.
I recently learned that I have been cut out of the will.
This is the story of my life. Exactly!
Ugh 😑-mom, dad, sibling, friend….and the beat goes on
Im 19 , i feel pretty much lost because of this , my mum and my sister criticised me so bad that i feel like giving up , they lowered my potential by making me think that i am not that good , idk if they know theyre doing that or not but i didnt tell em , because they'll do it more or more likely ignore it, but im alive cuz i got some goals , and ill not rest until it is complete
When I saw my sister and brother adults called my narcisistic mother In facebook on Mother"s day : "The Best mom ever, thank you for being a fighther and your unconditional love" 🤦♀️🤦♀️
It's my fault. I know. I blocked them and unblocked 🔥
I will never forget I was age ten and had a sprain ankle left home alone. Neighbor was responsible for my wellbeing. Her and my dad went out of town. Most abandoning circumstance ever!
This is so validating for me. Saying the chronic invalidation like that straight away is so confirming and reaffirming for me for my experience with my mum I am sorry for those that know this pain and I am glad that I’m not alone with this 😢❤x
I get so much from your short videos. I found you here and have shared you with my therapist. Please keep do this
The mother descriptions is very accurate to mine. And mothers day use to upset me as culturally mothers day glorifies mothers to the point i feel conscientious good mothers cant live up to it and must feel guilty too. But bad mothers were something no one talked about, until recently. But i never thought my older sister was a narcissist too, i just realised it recently. She presents differently than you described but logically, why wouldnt a narcissist raise another narcissist? Since my older sister hates my mother its a tad strange she acts like her in many ways, but she is still her own brand of narcissism. I have a few concerns about my yongest sister too now. It may explain why my older and youngest sibling cant be in the same room, maybe the conflict wasnt over years of misunderstood feelings but over the basic reason they both couldnt be the center and most superior at the same time. 🤔
Question: Can a sibling be a narcissist to their sibling and normal to the other people in their life?
My older sister and brother are extremely sociopathic and narcissistic. Myself the youngest and my middle brother have been abused by these two elder siblings. They extorted my parents and stole everything they owned after they died. My parents were very honest and caring people and they were destroyed by the older two. Very horrible people. Please stop blaming good parents for the crappy behavior of these horrible evil demons
Thank you, it was very educational. When I look at my mom and dad, I see children who was hurt and abused, and that alone, breaks my heart.
Hi Jim! I júst came across your youtube channel and I really find you easy to listen to. I am from Sweden so it is important that you use clear and easy language, but even more I response more to your clarity on the subjects you speak about. Listen to you when you explain the impact of a narcissitic mother really hits me in my stomach. I am the scapegoat, the middle child of 3 siblings, a dauhgter. My mother died this spring, 2022, and I did not feel any sorrow or lost.
Do you think you could talk more about how deep the wounds can get from such an upbringing.
My mother put me thru severe emotional abuse... if I would have to diagnose her I would call her a narcisstic psychopath and I say it just like it is, with no bitterness....but I feel very damaged.
It is difficult to explain in short , but I feel the need to understand how to heal better. In order to know that I think I must understand how damaged I am...if you understand what I mean.
Thank you for all your videos about this so far and I will look every day for more!
Same here. Let's be friends & form a support group
I feel much Better now that I don t see my narcisist mother. Now I have to deal with myself...and solve my problems...wrong patterns....wrong way of thinking. I start with forgivness and compassion....try to love myself....but It seems...in same way that I m not consistent....keep going back and foreward. Little results. I really Need help...but I don t know where to go! I would like to feel Joy for this precious life but I feel tired! Love from Italy 😘
My Nsister wanted to get our father's funeral over with on a Friday instead of having it on that Saturday. It wasn't so much about making sure my brother and I couldn't get there. She'd probably say she was exhausted and just wanted to get it done and put it behind her. But I think maybe it made it so that more people wouldn't be able to make it. I called a couple friends of my father after he passed to invite them, people our family hadn't seen in ages but he had them in his address book. Neither of these couples couples could make it because one or both of them still worked during the week. It was really disappointing.
But then after the service, my cousins who did make it, left right after and didn't come to the wake which was a lunch at a nearby restaurant. When I saw my sister a couple days later she talked so much crap about my cousins leaving. I had actually texted with one of my cousins and told him I missed him at the wake. I wasn't mad, I was just disappointed and wanted to see what was up with that, since we had all gone to their parents' funerals and wakes.
He had to work! It was a freaking workday. I said this to my sister in the middle of her trash talk and she goes, "Well they didn't ALL have to work!"
Which was probably true, since two of them didn't work at all. Thing is that they had the right to leave whatever tf their reasons were. They are from a different county and the two women were likely not comfortable with getting back to their own area by themselves. Something I completely relate to. I may not have gone to their parents' wakes in their county if I didn't have my man with me to drive. And I know for a fact that my sister would be the same way. She herself admits she can't find her way out of her own driveway. It's an obvious exaggeration that we've even laughed about together, but it gets the point across. She doesn't like to drive in unfamiliar areas alone, but she's a princess of double standards.
Interesting you said 'if there's any love left'....you love your siblings from a distance. Well, I am at that stage debating with myself that very thing, is there any? I dunno. Was there any to begin with? I don't know. Both my siblings are narcissists. My. mother was one. My dad was alchoholic, not sure about him being a narc, but it's pretty crazy. My older sister was always put on a pedestal by my parents and I was dumb enough to believe them that she was perfect and I was just a screw up. Well, I've learned recently she was into coke and sleeping around with much younger men. My mother never told me that! As you get older , it becomes clear how important it is to not worry about your siblings so much but it's quite a journey to get there!
Wow, you are describing me and my mom, it just happens that I don't have siblings but plenty of kids to compare to.
I feel validated thank you..my Mom and my sister.
Mental and physical 💔💔
Hi Jim, I've been watching your videos since I found you, I really like the tik tok info too.
I have an adult narcissist daughter who seemed to transition from a happy relatively easy child at 12/13 to a very difficult young teenager. Mind you there were some behavioural red flags at times prior to this. For the last 22 years she has also been an introvenous drug addict and during this time she has had two daughters.
During the last 6 years she has had Drug Induced Psychosis, and ends up in Hospital.
She has completed 5 Rehabs but virtually on day one of completion is taking drugs or drinking alcohol. She's 44 years old.
The damage she has done to her children and myself has been horrific.
Two months ago I went No Contact and have had Legal Constraints put in place so absolutely zero contact in anyway. I'm 66 and want some peace and sanity in my life in my golden years.
Finding you has made a huge difference in my life! The short video of the Narcissist that fakes being sick is what I cam across on Instagram. Blew my mind!! I’ve been learning ever since!! I feel like a weight has been lifted!! Just knowing!! U know! ? 🥰
About to be 46, I am the oldest and not the golden child. That's my brother, 6 years younger. Mother's father did not like girls, it bled into my mother. I see it, I understand, it still hurts. But she made sure all my life that I was never going to be as good as her. I was too sensitive of a child she said. Same thing my husband has said for 20 years, .. you are too sensitive and you are a crazy. Had to use Grey Rock on him. Now, do I walk away from my mother... ???
I believe i grow up with a narcissistic sister. I learned to be flexible, empathic, sharing, walking on eggs 'shells, , it is difficult for me to put banderies. Weirdly enought, she made me become a better person. the downside is, i have difficulties to trust others. I deal with my problems, by myself. I am afraid i will end my life alone.
I run away, abroad, came back and i become a psychiatric nurse, and will recover. don't want to be a victim.
Wow! This video hits so many aspects of my life. So much truth. Thank you!