Problematic Things I No Longer Believe
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- Опубликовано: 14 окт 2024
- Song in the background: Dichroic Mirror - Essence Immortal
There are many hills that I would have died on and beliefs that I've had that I no longer have anymore. When you express those things to the world (as I have), you're doing so with the understanding that others may take a leaf from your book. If you later on realize that 'Hmm, this is actually a really problematic and potentially harmful view. I don't believe this anymore.' It's your responsibility to kind of, undo that message you floated out into the ether.
One of the main things that have changed for me are my views on a traumatic relationship. I posted a video a few years prior to starting trauma therapy for my CPTSD. The video I made prior to therapy is problematic because in it, I basically state that you're at least partially to blame for your trauma and that's bad advice. It's also categorically false.
If you're walking down the street, headed to a coffee shop and some nut decides to start hurling bricks and one smacks you in the head, are you in any way to blame for your injuries for simply being there or is it 100% the fault of the idiot who decided to hurl bricks?
I also touch on my views on hauls and unboxings and ungoth confessions.
I was bullied relentlessly when I hit my mid 20's for being Goth by "friends", so I started dressing normal and I started listening to music I hated ( rap, ect). I did this for almost 7 years, and when I hit the age of 31, something in me snapped. I no longer cared who I offended. I started dressing Goth again, and started buying the music I had previously given up on. I even purchased a house, and decorated it Gothic. I went back to the Goth clubs where my REAL friends were all along, and I am finally truly happy. Even my family can see that I'm in a much better state, now. I encourage everyone to stand up for themselves, regardless of how others "feel". Your real friends will accept you.
Better late than never my friend. Glad everything worked out for you in the end :)
I am 66 y/o and been goth like forever...BUT never looked it..embraced the music the culture and played it in 3 bands and DJ goth and darkwave...still I love it and yes I actually lived thru the Rozz vs Valor era...the dawn of Goth style metal...etc... and unfortunately the rise of "gatekeeper" culture. and the sooner I really got to where I loved all of it and IDGAF what other thought of me the better off i was..and go ahead and give me an OK Boomer if it makes you happy
I am the same way except I started again in my early 20s. I was so unhappy and the “friends” I had in highschool were so awful to me that the depression hit hard. I could never point out why exactly but I didn’t realize it’s because I was pretending to like things that I didn’t even enjoy in the first place. The goth scene is so much better and we all come from the same understanding of what it means to feel outsider from normies
@@screamotruckermetal music is not Goth. It's Metal. Gatekeeping is also necessary in order to keep out false information, such as "Metal is Goth". "OK boomer"? I suggest taking that stick out of your butt and growing up.
7 years is pretty crazy. Like others said, better late than never and its so nice to see someone really reconnect with their real identity after some time.
We're humans. We make mistakes, we grow, and we learn. Love you Angela. ❤️
Love you too, Karina!
No, we are flawless creations by the load Himself. Stop disappearing him.
Thank goodness we are not stuck with the opinions we all had at 12
As a goth who crochets a lot of pastel things, that random example made me feel very seen, lol.
We gotta represent the goths who crochet pastel things! You're out there somewhere watching! 🖤
I'm sorry you had to go through that. Abusers will absolutely suck your soul out and then blame you for being hollow.
Thank you 🖤 I'm just glad I'm away from that relationship. When you're in it, you don't want to lose it because you feel like you don't have anything left. That's why we gotta support each other and let people know that they're not alone.
@@angelabenedict my first(and only) relationship was with a narc but I have BPD and once the disorder got triggered and split them black, all hell broke loose. I think Borderlines are a Narc's worst nightmare yet they are drawn towards us like flies to honey. We appear as everything they could possibly want but when they screw up, we become their nemesis hellbent on their utter destruction. There is a reason, people confuse the two disorders because a lot of our behaviour overlaps but for different reasons. A Narc will mirror you to draw you in but a Borderline mirrors you because that's how we learned to survive in normal society. I guess he met his match with me. He's dead now, though not by anything that I did. I accept my part in that relationship because I mirrored his worse side back at him so I gave abuse for abuse. Fortunately, though I was Aro from birth, I became Ace after and that pretty much ended the dating scene for me(in hindsight, this is a good thing. A disorder like that is so much more deadly in relationships than friendships). I am glad you survived too!
@@starscreamthecruel8026 My Favorite person is BPD, and I have had to learn to give space when he needs it because his fear is he will hurt those he cares about. My fear is that if a person is not talking to me they no longer like me, ahhh childhood lol. But because we have really worked on communication and having a good friendship, I trust he likes me and he trusts I like him. I mentioned this only because I have noticed that many folks with BPD know themselves well enough to know the damage they can do. And try very hard to not do that to people they love and care for, though sometimes the brain has other plans. I just wanted to say that as a disorder it is a lot to deal with and I respect those that are honest with themselves and others about it.
Progression never gets boring. It's okay to change your view on things, thank you for sharing in advance
Thank you 🖤 it's important to share these changes rather than spring it on people.
As a Goth and Metalhead who has been listening to both Goth Rock and Metal Music for almost 15 years now, some lady the other day at my job asked me if I was Goth I said yes, she's was talking about how she used to be Goth when she was 13 etc.. same nonsense, "you'll change one day type of stuff."
Where I work, and where I live are two different environments, but most people of course don't dress like me nor do they share similar music interests unfortunately so yeuh.. I walked into Walmart the other day, and everyone, including their cats and dogs were staring at me, it's irritating, but I can't do anything about it, just don't harm me for being different, that's all really... it's a lot of other things to.. people get triggered when you don't fit the norm, a stereotype, a certain environment etc..
but you should expect that if you look completely different than others by your own choice
Where I lived. I stand out and people are rude to me. Living in the south carolina.
@@danielledaniel1900 Sorry you have to go through that bs, stay you, and be trve to yourself, no one knows you better than yourself, I don't want to sound cliche or repeated, but currently, I'm dressed Goth listening to Bauhaus, I expect to be judged by the sheep.. it's fine.. I hope you'll make it through, just don't let them get you down to much..
@@skaio.5279 I do, I'm willing to go through it to remain true to myself, and it's not just goths like us who go through it, nerds do, happy people do, someone who wears all pink and drives a pink car would.. that's why I'm just fine with myself, as long as I'm doing something with my life and being productive then me being Goth/Metalhead will not harm anyone...may trigger people, yes, but whatever.
@@PostalDude97 I know, I got into it when most people didn't dress like that, and now it's becoming popular lol... huh.. guess I can't be special anymore haha. 😅😞😌
I feel you. Fell in love with someone older, got married, and everything black had to go. She hated goth, jazz, anything I liked yet kept getting involved in them...so could call them dumb and halt them. Not to mention violence, gaslighting, you name it. 21 years...
Glad you got out and hope your healing is going well. Goth for life. Please keep being you, fellow ghoul.
Ugh. Why have so many of us experienced this? So glad you got out!
I've never heard of anyone else who escapes to the bathroom! I thought it was just me. I sit on my countertop and experiment with makeup or just sit and listen to music. I guess I just like the smaller space where I know nobody will bother me.
It's a safe escape route. You go in there and lock the door and people assume you're either naked or doing super involved toilet things so they leave you alone.
I love being in the bathroom too. It’s my sanctuary. As a teenager I would put my headphones on and play with makeup at like 3am, even on school nights. 😅
I did too as a teen to escape the daily family fights.
Escaping to the bathroom is standard operating procedure for victims of narcissistic abuse.
1/3 of all men surveyed on how they get quiet time for themselves said they do it by going in the bathroom.
It’s so cool that you care to correct anything you find problematic or wrong. I feel like most people just pretend they didn’t say something or want to kind of black out when it comes to old views, even if they aren’t actually “bad” just different.
Thank you! It's important to own up to this stuff, especially if those views or statements can potentially cause harm in someone's life or affect their well being.
Example of a healthy normie/alt person relationship is my parents. My dad is a metal head and retro game collector, my mom likes R&B/hip hop and doesn’t get video games at all. Both of them have free reign on the vinyl player whenever they happen to be in the basement. Dad keeps all the old stuff in the basement (Atari, NES) and the newer stuff hooked up to the upstairs TV. Dad has a lot of friends in the retro game/pinball community. Mom might think this hobby is kinda childish and weird but she knows that it’s important to her husband’s bonding with his friends and children.
Turns out healthy is just being a decent human and tolerate others :) love them with their quirks and twists.
Just met a couple in a bar. He is into metal / goth, she is into anime kawaii stuff and they where just a cute couple loving each other! :)
@@prometheus9096 No joke, sounds like they probably met at an anime convention. The goth, alt, and rave culture has a huge presence in the anime community.
Thank you so much for validating us goths who don't dress like goths, but still consider ourselves very much goth due to our love of the music / fashion / macabre / all things spooky / finding the love in the darkest of places blahblah
My un-goth confession: When I moved to the west coast I really got into hiking. Goth fashion is not practical on the trail, so I wore less and less as time went by. But damn this mortal coil sounds good in a misty forest, and Marian is a great soundtrack for looking at the night sky!
Since Covid, I stopped drinking and started hiking outside. Like you say, goth wear, except tees and boots, are impractical. Fresh air is more delightful than smoke machines and alcohol at a bar. Plus, I got Covid once and my doctor told me I should try to not get it again, since it can irritate health problems I have…ugh. Nick Cave is great outside too. But Covid changed my lifestyle. But hey, bands like Current 93 have photo shoots in the woods like many neofolk and neopagan bands…so there’s that. Hike but then bring a cool dress for woodsy rituals. :)
Everything you are saying here exactly mirrors what I went through with one of my exes. And the bait and switch...they pretend to be into goth just to get a goth gf. Then once we got together, he nitpicked me to death and told me I needed to "grow up" anytime I wanted to go out to a show or goth club night. I was 21 and felt like a prisoner. The gaslighting, the negging, the constant fear of making him angry over the smallest things. It was like crawling out of hell to finally get myself back again. The first thing I did was buy a new pair of doc martens and box of black hair dye LOL Hopefully someone out there can listen to your video and see the warning signs ❤
im glad that you got out of that horrible toxic relationship- if we can even call it a relationship. God bless you love; stay strong 🖤
Thank you. Not sure what I'd call it lol. Learning experience?
Youre not alone. ❤ Your lover shouldnt be your biggest hater but unfortunately it happens all too often. My ex was a lot like yours. I was goth shamed by him too and also changed my whole aesthetic for him. Never again. 🙈 Im glad for us, that we got away. Be safe ❤
It's so true! I'm glad you found your way out of that situation. 🖤🖤🖤
I was with someone for over a decade. I didn't really understand the damage that narcissistic relationships can cause until I left him. I used to play guitar and write my own songs but after he came with me to a few open mics he said that I wasn't very good so I just shut off that part of myself and never sang one of my songs in front of him again. This carried on for another 8 years. I remember one of the final times i sang a few lines of someone else's song just to see if he thought my singing had improved. I'll never forget what he said. He turned to me and said 'almost'.
I felt so deflated. Singing and writing made me feel completely myself and I never felt enough. I'm now trying to get my confidence back and have started singing and writing songs again. I'm going to try and share them on bandlab soon too. I just wanted to share a bit of my own story as it's so true that narcissistic partners will just chip away at your identity little by little. At least I finally left so that's a start. Im finally singing again. ❤
@@joannewheeler1797 I'm so sorry that happened to you id love to hear your music just keep being you 😊😊
Words cant describe how proud you I am of you and your healing journey and to see you grow from the pain you endured from your past to a stronger foundation you have created for yourself within two years has been incredible to witness , I'm always going to be rooting for you and your healing. love you
🖤 I love you, Vanessy-pants🖤 I'm still very much a work in progress but laying that foundation for boundaries is a beeotch. Growing pains never stop.
That's so sad , sounds like they tried their best to destroy what makes you a unique person and everything you love that gives you happiness, what a very nasty messed up person to try to do that to another person , I'm so glad you came out the other side and you are yourself again. I survived toxic parents and also a toxic marriage I'm very cautious these days , I'm studying counselling at the moment, it has helped me and hopefully I can help others in the future.
Narcissists are a different breed of human. I was in a relationship similar to yours. Got out almost 20 years ago. We were together for 5 years. We became pregnant and I became so stressed, so malnourished (because he kept calling me fat), that I miscarried. I’d have a 16 year old girl today if I was in a healthy relationship. Stress and not eating can do awful things to our bodies and the baby inside of our bodies. He broke me after I miscarried. I completely broke down. His mom actually saved me and got me out. Kept telling me to leave because she saw his dad in him. I think she was sad that she lost her first grandbaby due to his crap. I blamed myself for a really long time (even after my rainbow baby who’s 13 now) because I didn’t leave once I found out about the baby. The only thing I can say is if you are in that type of relationship, get out, get help, and don’t let them back in.
When i was seventeen, i got stuck in a very similar relationship, but i was also still living with my abusive parents. It started exactly as you would expect, the love bombing with sweet compliments, and sending songs back and forth. He wound up moving in with my parents and i, and for those two years, i just felt like i couldn't escape anything, and no amount of explanation or asking for help from people who i thought were my friends could get me anywhere. I felt completely alone, unilt one day i just snapped, i packed all of his things, and told him to leave. I still feel so sad thinking back on it now, knowing what i do now, even with how much i lost because of it. My heart goes out to anyone who's been through this or anything similar. You're worthy of love, you're worthy of respect, and you deserve peace.
I went through a string of bad relationships from 2018 ro 2021. One guy told me I wasn't goth. Another I was with wouldn't let me study so I failed phlebotomy. One was a goth and he would control everything I did. What made it qorse was a mutual friend made me think I was the problem so I had two people messing with my mind. I'm finally in a good relationship with someone that lets me be me and emcourages it. Thank you for posting this. I'm so happy you are doing better. 🖤
The wisdom you imparted here has been invaluable. I too am dealing with some healing in regard to my singing. Healing isn’t easy and acknowledging moments where we held toxic beliefs about ourselves takes so much undoing. I’m so proud of you for the progress you’ve made! Love you so much! 🖤
The older i get, the easier it gets to accept that something that i used to hold value or to think it represents me is not useful for me anymore. I'm glad you are able to do it, that shows how much mental strenght you have now.
About your ex-partner: He definitely was a narcissist. Very sorry you had to go through that, Angela 💝!
It feels strange hitting the like button on a video about abuse and trauma. But what you say is important. You are a strong person and I admire you for it. As a survivor of that type of situation myself more than a decade ago, it will never cease to amaze me what people will do to each other. It takes so long before you see the patterns and how you copy horrible situations unconsciously because they feel familiar.
I feel like you are describing my ex. He did some of the same things, like putting me down and trying to change the way I dress, and cheating and then blaming me for it. It doesn’t happen overnight, it’s a slow transition and can take a while to recognize it and get up the strength to get out. You are very strong for leaving and doing the work to heal and recover. It is not your fault. It is the abusers fault. Thank you for sharing your story.
I can relate to you in every way I’ve gone through some of the same things . Your very special and wonderful.
Thank you. I'm so sorry you've been through similar. The sad thing is, our stories can often parallel so many others. It's helpful so we know we're not alone but still sad that it happens.
Best wishes on your path to healing. as a fellow C-PTSD it's a struggle, but there is light at the end. you got this.
I’m a babybat, and you have helped me have confidence! i am starting to express myself with my hair and makeup, and soon with clothes. i have a goth playlist with all the classics, it’s so relaxing. I love your channel❤
I recommend Switchblade Symphony and Diva Destruction!
Dating truly is a lot like picking out a car. Unfortunately, most of us pick the used and damaged ones that get us stuck in the mud.
I like that metaphor! It's really true, the wrong person will cause you to stagnate and get stuck.
I don't agree with the statement. Coming from a long history of picking the wrong person, it's not the wrong person that gets you stuck, it's the inability to walk away. And that's 100% on me.
Cheesy quote but I really found it true: "optimism is not the hope that nothing will go wrong, but the capability to walk away and survive if it does".
Maybe I shouldn't have written the comment before watching the video. I didn't assumed "wrong person" as abusive. Abusive partners are a very different story of "walking away" from.
@@tiffytattoo2450 Well, given that people tend to normalize misery, 80% of relationships just look hellish. Sometimes, it feels more like running away rather than walking away from them. In an abusive relationship, it's easier said than done.
@@Hierarkh as you can see I wrote another comment as I hadn't watched the video fully and didn't assume "wrong" person was synonymous with abusive.
I'm very aware of how abusive relationships are a very different kind of hell.
For some reason, this video reminds me of what Kaia (Toxic Tears) just went through. I'm so sorry you went through this and am very happy that you are in a better head space now.
I too dated a narcist and he did all the same stuff, gasslighting, lies, cheated, and said some of the worst things to me just to break me down. and when it was over he was going nuts because he couldn't control me any more. and he tried to come back but i moved on. Buy it took me years to understand that it wasn't my fault, that i was wrong in some way. This was so many years ago but there are things that still come up for me that I have to take the time to feel it name it and let it go. its hard but I am not at fault. I am not wrong, and he didn't break me. Love you for sharing your story.
What you said on gaslighting is so scarily accurate. I just dealt with this and am still In the process of dealing with it. I knew somebody online for 2 years and over the course of our friendship I was led to believe that feelings had grown and that she wanted to be in a relationship with me. I spent so much money and time and effort moving her to where I live only for her to almost immediately show me her true colors. After barely three days of acting like we were in a relationship, she told me she needed space and resorted to isolation. I respected her space, and was more of an errand boy to her. Always asking if she was feeling okay and getting her whatever she told me to get her, be a food or medicine or whatever. And I spent the bulk of a month and a half leaving her alone and sitting on the couch by myself. And she would always give me smiles and reassure me that everything was fine, that I was so good to her, that I respected her boundaries. But short of giving a quick hug here or there, she said she wasn't even ready to kiss me yet and I respected that. I had a bad feeling within the first week that something wasn't quite lining up, and come to find out she had a secret Facebook account where she was complaining about every little thing about my existence, lying to people saying that I was over her shoulder 24/7, complaining about how boring I am, even admitting to flirting with one of her co-workers. Which by the way, I immediately paid to have her license renewed so she could get a job because she led me to believe that she wanted to save up for a life together, meanwhile she was posting on her secret account about wanting money to move away. I recently became friends with her mother who showed me some text where she outright admitted that she never cared about me at all, it was all just a scam so she could get a free ride to my state where her ex lives as well. Now she's staying with him again, and just suckered her dad out of a bunch of money and then immediately blocked him, so now we're all thinking that she was just using everybody so that she and her ex could get back into doing drugs, come to find out she was an addict who is into doing meth and other stuff. It was all just a giant scam and honestly I have never felt so betrayed in my life. You never really know anybody. I was full on taking advantage of and now I'm stuck watching her cat and holding the rest of her stuff until she can get it, meanwhile she's slandering me with lies and making me out to be some kind of monster when she should really be looking in the mirror. I honestly don't know that I will ever trust anybody or date again in my lifetime, this has completely shattered me.
All too common a story. You will be good if you use it as learning and not take it personally that drugs were more important than relationship. It has done me a world of good to realize this is just the way it is. Substances and material wealth always take priority over honesty and communication and compassion. Just know that when you fond someone willing to make sacrifice and respect you. Hang on and make that last if you can cause it is very rare and super special
@@earugo2531 Thank you for that. It's been a rough month for sure, and my trust in people is definitely all but gone for the time being. I'd be okay with just being alone for the rest of my life.
I appreciate your new views, as someone who is also in trauma therapy I know it is hard work.
I always viewed ungoth confessions for the outsiders because at that period it seemed that there was a culture shift that goth had to be defined as a very narrow coffin box instead of what it actually is as a diverse group of people who gather and dance to certain music and partake in darker things and I am being vague on purpose it is ever-changing.
Thank you for sharing your story Angela. This morning watching this video I realized whats been going on in my life. I'll be seroously talking to my Therapist.
I'm so happy that you found this video helpful. I think talking to your therapist is a great idea. There are a lot of things that I went through that I didn't realize were common. When you go through some things, they feel so personal to you that you couldn't fathom anyone else in the world going through something similar until you find out it's an actual tactic. Fortunately, when it has a name it most likely has a counter curse.
When I first started listening to goth music and identifying with the subculture, I definitely tried to avoid anything that might be in an “Ungoth Confessions” video. For me, that included not watching/reading comedies. For some reason? Cutting all colors but black from my wardrobe and hiding other types of music I listened to. Now, I listen to all kinds of music openly, dress in all colors, and love watching rom-coms with my husband. Still very much a goth! Great video, as always!
It's wonderful to see your growth as a person, shows how real you are. You are inspiring for everyone but especially the baby bats! Wisdom for the win.
I’ve for sure noticed that with individuals who harbour deep rooted identity issues (I’m come across a lot), it can sometimes manifest in how they address others with consistent identities. This video stuck with me heavy, man. Even the bathroom thing…. I remember how dehumanising it felt to have the electric cut mid shower, and then finishing in the sink with cold water or meal times interrupted by arguments. But I digress, I’m glad you’re in a better place and safe and warm and healthy ❤❤❤
That's so typical narcissistic/sociopath abuser behavior, I have heard so many similar stories sadly. So sorry that happened to you and you where disrespected and abused like that, good that you have chanced your mind about what happened to you and that it was not your fault and okay, he scammed you. They break you down, steal your soul and courage, confidence so it's often extremely difficult to leave, sometimes it can be scary and dangerous to leave too (like they threaten suicide or to destroy and even kill you if you leave).
Thank you for posting this. We all grow and learn. I appreciate your honesty.
It’s not that narcs just change their tune and gaslight partners, they also target potential/future partners and scope them out before even approaching. They are all sorts of messed up and that is not on us to continue to blame ourselves with.
Thank you 🖤 You're absolutely right. I'm like a year or 2 older than him and despite being broken down as I had been I would resist. Things would always go his way anyway but it wasn't without opposition, which he didn't like. He wanted someone to go with the program so he was immediately going for teenagers (under 18) after me because they're pliable and don't know any better.
I needed to hear all of this, thank you ❤
I got out of a vile relationship recently and it's hard to be nice to myself
I can understand that. When you're in a relationship that you become so used to, they become part of your day-to-day. Your reality and in a lot of ways you lose parts of yourself because you kind of merge with them. A lot of us have this need for partnership. We like to be part of a team, not just for love but for friendship and to Make experiences with that person that We take to our graves. When we do this and suddenly it ends, it's a bit of a road learning to be that individual again. Just know that you haven't gone anywhere. You're still in there, you just need to dig them out.
I always appreciate how real you are, because not many people would make a video like this and accept that their views have changed. I’m sorry you had to experience that, people can be so cruel.
It takes a lot of bravery to be the way you want to be in this crappy world. It takes even more bravery to be vulnerable and publicly say that you were wrong at that time. Growth isn't always smooth, I guess, maybe it comes in spurts, like plants do. Kind of comforting, I feel, because it means we are creatures who are always in the spring time of our life. Much love from me to your family.
thank U for this queen it was truly needed to be heard
I’m almost 52 years old and I went through this type of situation in my teenage years as well as some of my friends in high school and college. I eventually found my husband…true love at the end of my senior year of college but, it took me over a year of therapy to realize that I was worthy of a normal loving relationship with him…We’ve been together for almost 30 years now and married 28 years. He’s always been my best friend and my rock.
Thank you for making this video for baby 🦇 🦇 as well as others who feel like they can’t escape the pain and suffering of hellish relationships 😢🙏
I'm doing trauma therapy as well and it's so hard and 😅some days I just don't know how to make it through but I've always felt goth at heart and even if a lot of people was tellign me I'm not it enough I'm trying to be okay with loving goth and a bunch of other things in the same time.
Thank you so much for the insightful video❤
The worst thing I believed was that meds, specifically psych meds, were unnecessary. I went through a period where I would tell people they didn’t need meds, and meds made things worse, and basically all the worst advise you can give someone going through mental health issues. I believed that I could push my issues out of my head. This was a time when I was running from a lot of my own mental health issues. A few years later I’d have a serious breakdown due to some very traumatic shit. I learned a lot of my aversion to getting help was due to my parents framing it as a punishment, and my beliefs about how people can mind over matter yourself out of any diagnosis was actually stemming from mania. If everyone looks back under a microscope, they will see how wrong they were. Sometimes good intentions and thinking you are being helpful can actually cause damage.
Girl you and me both, I've been goth since I was 11 and I'm 35 and I got in a13 year relationship where I was stripped off my identity, I didn't even listen to music anymore and he hated everything I liked. Told me I was ugly. So I completely get it.
I somewhat sobbed through this video Angela because these are the same exact things I have been trying to absorb and learn in my own therapy journey... I really needed to hear this so I'm sure others do too. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your hindsight and wisdom. Once a goth always a goth - if I wanna still listen to my music and wear my shoes in my thirties I WILL
As a fellow person whos been in an abusive relationship, You didn't know, and didn't deserve it, because narcissists generally start out pretty great, then the real them comes out. In the beginning, it was all love and sex, then the real her slowly came out. That affected the way I viewed women for a long time. I'm still trying to seperate fact from fears in my mind, learn to trust people a little, and fix my bond with my friends.
Things like this make me greatful for my husband. He isn't into the same music, some being goth (I don't call myself goth though), but he will sit through all of it and let me enjoy. That being said I do the same for him, even if I'm not a country music fan haha.
There are amazing people out there, and I hope that my peers won't settle for someone who doesn't love you for yourself. If you start to feel like a shell, try to look into why. It's hard to get away from those people, whether it's your partner, parents, or friends. Your interests will weed out the people who aren't actually there for you. You don't have to be into the same thing all the time, but you should never have to be shamed, or feel like you need to change your interests.
I'm really happy that you're able to find a partner who you love and are able to care for and mutually respect one another. It's true, there are amazing people out there. I was fortunate in meeting my husband amidst all of this chaos. It was painful at the time when things had broken down but my husband was the only one who is truly there for me. He went above and beyond on so many levels in the first week of our relationship than my ex had ever come close to. It makes me realize that everything happens for a reason and sometimes you have to go through a lot of pain to get to what really matters. I'm happy you found yours as well 🖤
Absolutely sickening to listen to this story about your ex.... Damn him, that is disgusting... So sorry for you
Thank you for sharing your experience. In an era where finally the society is talking about mental health and little by little ceases to be a taboo, sharing cases like yours will help anyone who is going through or has gone through an identical situation. Greetings from Portugal! 🖤
i’ve never taken that perspective, that if my very own narci abuser had told me up front what he was actually offering in this relationship i would have taken a hard no. its difficult to honestly release yourself (myself) from the blame. i think this small shift in view is mighty. thanks for sharing that.
I feel like this is super important to talk about, especially with a whole new generation coming of age now. We all have to learn and grow and change. Goth, for me, is a way to express yourself, not a secret club with a bunch of rules and regulations on how to he accepted as "cool". Lol
Thank you sooooooo much for this. You’re not alone and thanks to people telling their stories, I know neither am I!
Thank you again for sharing something so difficult! Fun fact, when I didn’t know who I was… so I stole Kesha’s persona!
I never looked at it that way, blamed myself especially when I went back because I was lonely and had nothing else at that time, saw myself as a loser because I guess I adapted my identity to how the world treated me without realising it. So I'm going to check out therapy - don't think I need it but I went through a lot and some of it I never took the time to unpack, plus you don't know what you don't know. I put myself through anger management but never really addressed why the triggers were there in the first place. Thanks for the inspiration, you're awesome.
And I agree on the gothic categorisation being taken too seriously, I knew someone who labelled people goth because one had a black cat and the other liked Bon Jovi. I may not be goth but I love many gothic things and I'll always be a metal head. I happen to also like jazz, swing, hip-hop, blues, soul, classical etc. The way I see it, I like what I like and how people label it is completely irrelevant.
You just got out of abusive relationship, it seems you've taken your first step on the right path. I hope you find someone mature, caring and respectful of you as a person. I hope you don't limit your choices to cultures, music interests or physical appearence. The choice will lie in your heart Angela and I wish the best for you.
As someone who relies on medical caregivers, it really draws in gaslighters. It's why I hold on to identity so tight, cus you are at their physical mercy.
This really hurts the heart.
NPD.. I've realized over the last couple years that's what my sister is/has. Before i just thought it was control freakiness and stupidity. It's like dealing with a 10 year old who thinks it's the smartest person in the world. No empathy. No self awareness. No critical thinking skills. Takes everything personally. Can't grasp most humor or Sarcasm.
i really, genuinely, appreciate hearing these things from you.
i'm not gonna lie... in the past i definitely internalized when you would say that if the music isn't a huge part of your identity that you're not goth. i was still a teen i think, when i found your channel. but i had to stop watching your content for honestly years because i just felt very hurt and... almost like i needed to conform to the stereotypes? i enjoy the music a lot! but i enjoy a LOT OF THINGS, A LOT. music is one of my passions, and limiting myself to one genre, even with all of its subgenres, might actually kill me 😅. hearing you acknowledge individuality and how harmful it can be to view the stereotypes as the "most valid" is... honestly so nice i'm trying not to cry lmao.
what you said about trauma and specifically your situation is also... really helpful. i'm in a similar boat, i just haven't been able to make it to trauma therapy yet (but i am trying)!! without outside help i sometimes feel as though i have to tell myself dozens of times a day, that the things that happened to me were not my fault. i often tell my mom for example how she can't control what my sister does because my sister is her own person. but i struggle to apply that lesson to myself regarding my trauma. so i just want to say thank you for addressing this again and making that the POINT.. cause i feel like sometimes especially talking about mental health in general, people forget that there needs to be a baseline of learning to give yourself room to heal.
(sorry this is long sbdjndjd).
How much you inspire others by showing your strength in front of so many bad people is admirable 🖤💜❤️🥰👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻🌹🤗😌🦇🕷️🕸️🦂
🖤Thank you so much🖤 Knowing that there are people who watch, looking for insight or guidance (I do it myself!), I couldn't leave this unaddressed knowing that I could be the reason someone stays in a bad situation because they blame themselves.
i went threw quit a misanthropic era when i was younger but i grew out of that and im glad i did the dark world can be intense there was a time where i just was not around the Right circle felt misunderstood but there was no drama or bad child hood or anything you can only do you proud be the best person you can be i have also let go of some things i used to accept but im always the rebel that seeks Balance ☯ glad to see your in a better place
I know how you felt
I've been in a similar situation in the past
Take care ❤
Love that you addressed this and took the time to also share with us that you changed your views - it can be a vulnerable thing to do publicly, and the topic here, its not uncommon to not fully understand how wrong it was and not your fault even many years after you have gotten to the point of knowing it was a bad situation. Also obsessed with your lip colour and wish I knew how you did it
We all change, we all grow, we are still learning and developing no matter how old we are we still are learning, and that's what u did seeing the past videos and relazing how u are now
The most changes I've made are the changes I've made in my 40s. I honestly thought that I would be who I was by the time I was 40 but it turned out that I had much to learn and still more growing to do. We're always learning but it's amazing how we still, despite how old we get are Not only able to learn but to change for the better.
Nothing wrong with changing your mind after learning better information and having new experiences.
My partner went through similar with her ex-husband being so controlling. Part of it was being conditioned to stay isolated in a house in the middle of nowhere whilst he could do whatever he wanted. He was enforcing thinking that she could do no better and was lucky he put up with her as no one else would. Part was also hope she could change him for the better and he'd grow out of it. When they divorced he tried to destroy her and the negativity lasted a long time. I had to handle pick up/drop offs for custody visits with the kids because he would deliberately mess with her (petty stuff like waiting for the next train to leave then dropping them off) and she would always react. Meanwhile I didn't care as I had a book to read or my ipod and the only people he is punishing is the kids by making them wait longer for the train. Stuff like using her family against her and constant reminders she will be alone forever. Joke's on him - I've been with her over 20 years and he is the one living alone in the middle of nowhere now.
Yeah, the ungoth confession thing does imply secret shame and losing goth points. Plus adhering to stereotypes as you said. Where for most of us the opposite is true. Goth stuff is more special because non-goth stuff exists. What annoys me is when people try force that non-goth stuff into goth. We are allowed to like non-goth things too.
"Jump up and down in puddles wearing... nothing!" - I see you have been to Burning Man LOL
i love these types of videos! i just know this is gonna be a good one. love the outfit btw 🖤🥀
Yay! Thank you!
I'm so glad you are getting to a place of clarity! We are always constantly learning from our trauma. Our outlook on it changes as we become wiser, and the clarity we have does as well. It truly is a blessing and a curse, as uncertainty is a confidence-killer, and you can't help but be unsure if you are understanding traumatic events correctly.
BTW It would be -wonderful- if you did your own comp or playlist of lesser known gems from the 90s. I think the same was done for the 80s with the "killed by deathrock" comp, and I found so many more albums through that than I did on my own. I feel like community-curated or themed comps are still relevant, as playlists or as actual comps.
I was in an abusive relationship years ago, and that was something I used to do too - I used to partially blame myself. Sometimes even now, I still find myself wondering if I'm not at fault for certain things. But then I try to look at the whole picture, in my case I think I might've been groomed when I was a teen by a much older man, over 20 years older than me in fact. And I remember how friendly he was when we'd met (I was 14 at the time), I remember how he emphasized on wanting to be my *friend* and even saying how he saw me as "daughter"... only to then admit to me years later after I was in my early 20s and trapped in a relationship with him that he'd wanted to have sex with me the moment he met me (at 14) and that *that* was why he wanted me around and why he'd went out of his way to "befriend" me. He pretended to care and be understanding to my struggles, only to then use a lot of similar tactics you described in your video (gaslighting, controlling behavior, shaming you for being yourself, etc). He kissed me when I was still a teen (and I awkwardly let him bc I didn't want to hurt his feelings by saying no), he pressured me into doing things against my consent once I was "legal", tbh I think he might've SA'd me... I'm in my thirties now, and I don't think I've fully healed from all the bs that happened to me regarding that pos. I guess I just wanted to say, I feel you, Angela. Going through stuff like that really sucks, it takes a toll and a lot of us end up losing parts of ourselves, and changing ourselves to fit into an abuser's 'mold'. It's an awful feeling, and I'm honestly glad that you're seeing a specialist now, and that it's helping you, and that you've changed your perspective on yourself and the situation, to a much truthful, less harmful one. Thank you for sharing this with us, Angela! 🖤🖤🖤
I commend and salute you, Angela, for being true to yourself. If I had been the same way I would be an elder goth today instead of someone returning to the subculture. I was in college when the subculture took off and I embraced it wholeheartedly. But I live in an area where Goths are short on the ground. And my mother gave me grief for the way I dressed. She has since passed away so there was nothing to hold me back. I’m retired due to my medical condition so I’m fully able to embrace my shadows and live my best life now. I ask you: if you embrace your shadows and bring them out, are they still shadows? Love you, Angela. You are very wise. 🦇
I came across your channel because you love Drab Majesty and SQSQ. I do love goth music and idustrial. You are being yourself.
I think the good part of the Un-Goth Confessions trend is that most gothtubers used it as a stereotype buster. And it exposed all those goofy seemingly counter-intuitive hobbies that are actually really common for most of us. Goths are just a bunch of creative, nerdy people who are into plenty of other things that aren't just under the spooky umbrella, and those videos really showed that to the uninformed so long as the creators didn't present it all shamefaced. Then it was kind of ick, for sure.
And I feel your pain in terms of going through periods of losing yourself. Evolution is great, but never easy 🖤
My mother has hypothyroidism.... well she lacks a thyroid, they had to nuke it because of graves disease. But yeah, she is ALWAYS cold...Unfortunately she has a ton of pride and just thinks its because it must be legitimately too cold... As a result every single Christmas present from her is gear to keep people warm... Which sucks for me because I am ALWAYS warm, I've been outside in -50 degree temps in a towel (briefly). I am always struggling with things getting too warm.... No health condition, I just am quite warm, which causes her to sometimes use me as a heat source... Yet somehow, inspite of this, she thinks I must be cold when she's cold.
Isn't it ironic how someone who's eager to blame themself for something, is hardly ever the one at fault for it, and how someone who actually IS at fault for something, virtually always blames everyone and everything but themself for it?
You are doing the right thing by sharing your experience with others, you are giving others courage to fight their way free from abuse. It's not easy however the outcome as well worth the effort. It may sound trite, I know you are helping others with your experience and advice. Thank you for sharing your experience with others I know it will have help them.
I wish people would date people that excepts them
*accepts
I find the society not relaxing sometimes. Stay yourself when u want. Not what others think
I think it’s so wonderful that you have the ability to self-reflect and acknowledge that you can admit that your views can change over years, especially admitting publicly that you had been wrong before.
You seem like a nice person. I think you acknowledging your mistakes and changed views and being open about them makes me feel less bad about my own.
I’ve been the “disaster” friend who would dump all my worsening mental state onto certain friends (not realizing i was only doing this w/ ppl i wasn’t trying to impress and they already knew me well, this was my previous 1st semester of college) and didn’t realize it was ruining my friendships. I strategically did it with friends who would react calmly to my mental issues (i had bulimia that had become severe) because I felt my parents had made me feel ashamed and therapist believing i could change was inconceivable to me.
I’d apologized for doing so recently, and tried to stop saying manipulative assumptious questions whenever i had a conflict with someone, because that was projecting. I’d done it because that was how it worked w/ my family, when my dad was drinking my mom would ask my those same manipulative questions and accuse me of thinking she was a bad mother whenever she relapsed and my dad would do the same when sober, so I thought that questioning was ok to do with others.
As of recent, I’d just gotten out of an emotionally abusive relationship and trying to convince myself it’s not “karma” for being a shitty friend in the past, even though I’ve had to report my ex for harassment over the past few weeks.
I've always felt as humans we have to go through hell to make it to heaven here on earth life goes by fast make your experiences count for your self !! Maybe others feel the same way. Your RUclips channel is awesome tho you can tell your genuine about helping others learn from your experiences and making a positive impact on people in general your awesome for that this is definitely a top tier channel I hope it keeps growing for you thanks for taking the time to make the content it's awesome !!!
Hail Angela! I can relate, this resonates. I've been going through my own healing and growing with a professional. And Dr. Ramani, and Lisa A Romano have also been extremely valuable to me in this process, if anyone is looking for help or understanding with their own situation, look there.
To anyone in the situation of being entangled with a narcissist, It is not your fault!
You have nothing to be ashamed of! The beginning narc process, is lovebombing, then devaluation.
This malicious manipulation is done slowly and subtly, intentionally, as to be unnoticed.
You deserve better, you are valuable and worthy of love, joy, and respect, as you are, in love and respect, survivor to survivor.
I'm sorry for what you and so many others, like myself, have experienced. I was gaslit as well and it took away so much of my self worth and personality. In that relationship things went from being fine to being absurd in such a slooooow and sneaky way that I barely noticed I was just accepting more and more abuse. I remember I had a friend over I hadn't seen for years and she was shocked by my "normal" (to me) behaviour: Changing my clothes back to what HE accepted before he came home, also I freaked out for some seconds because I noticed that we had moved his keyboard and it needed to go in the right place so he wouldn't accuse me of using his pc.... He was the kind of person who - if i said or did ANYTHING "wrong" at his parents' house etc, he would just pinch me in my side, and that meant "We'll talk about that later." - never physical, just emotional and sexual abuse. Which is worse in many ways because it's harder to prove etc.
Also wanted to say that we all change all the time and that is a good thing, for most people. If you don't ever feel a bit cringey when looking back at old posts etc it basically means you haven't grown and learned as a person, I feel. Well for some people that might be fine, but I am always up for learning new things and open for change, I'm happy that I'm not a walking talking Dunning-Kruger graph ;)
The last relationship I was in, which was years ago, was the last i've had in a while. She made me second guess my thoughts. I was gaslit constantly, and made to apologize for things I didn't realize I had done or didn't remember weeks after they occurred. Everything started out great, but slowly every day we spent together became more and more about how I was this horrible person that I constantly had to apologize for being. I slowly began to hate myself and believed I couldn't do anything right. That she was perfect and I was this broken thing and if I walked on the appropriate amount of eggshells maybe I would deserve her and find happiness. I excused things that she did to me that were bad because she had been diagnosed with a personality disorder. It wasn't her fault. But everything I was told I did was just me being a bad person and I deserved the anguish I was feeling. The fact that I couldn't see or remember all these offenses was just proof that there was something wrong with me. I have never doubted my own thoughts and identity more in my entire life.
Looking back, I put more effort into this relationship than any i've ever been in.
The whole thing exploded when she finally did something to me that her disorder couldn't excuse. I broke down, lashed out verbally, then completely shut her out. When I finally thought maybe I had overreacted and tried to apologize I was just overwhelmed by her nastiness and it was like all my feelings for her had melted off me. I was completely numb. The more obvious it became that I wasn't willing to fight for her anymore, the angrier she got. Then I just finally ended it. I haven't had serious feelings for anyone since.
We met at a scene club that I DJ'd at. She used to go dancing there every week. But when we were together, she hated them. Since being with her was more important I stopped going out when I wasn't working them. I only ever managed to drag her out once and I was made to feel guilty about doing that so it never happened again.
Hearing your story just really gave me emotional flashbacks about her. Our situations weren't the same, but I look back and struggle with how I ever allowed myself to get so swept up with someone who seemingly HATED everything about me as a person. How much I had to blind myself to allow it to go on as long as it did.
I would love to see you make more videos about what goth music is and share more bands and artists to give a listen to
oh my god that's awful, you must have felt like you were being bullied for being you. so happy you got away
I think I've heard of and actually seen so many relationships like these, that that's probably a big reason why I've just avoided people, and thus relationships for so long. Kind of a bummer.....anyway....wish ya nothing but the best going forward. (Also, KILLER lipstick.)
We are victimized, never victims. I find that's a better way to see these situations. It's also why I encourage learning how to defend yourself and be dangerous yourself. People are accountable for the hurt they may have dealt you, but only you are responsible for it. It's very common to confuse accountability with responsibility. The former carries liability. The latter promises empowerment. Responsibility just points to you being able to respond appropriately to the needs brought up in the situation or circumstance. Accountability holds you liable for any harm or breach of promise or contract. Thought I should bring that up for those confronting their traumas and tragedies.
Don't worry; what doesn't kill you will make you stronger.
I am glad you retold this story hopefully it will help people that are going through similar situations. Maybe it will give them the power & courage to help themselves or ask others for help. No one should go through something like that.
Thank you for your new video today Angela. It is going to help so many people. I am happy you are knowledgeable about narcissism. Narcissists don’t learn and grow. Getting trauma therapy is exactly what is needed to get better from this abuse. It is dangerous to be in a narcissistic relationship. You are not responsible for any of the abuse the narcissist did to you. The narcissist is. You were tricked by who they pretended to be. You are so right- a bait and switch personality. They get worse with age. Narcissists are bizzarre people and do bizzarre things to get other’s emotional energy. That is all they want. You are very fortunate you got out as quick as you did. We need compassion for ourselves when it comes to who’s responsible for the abuse. They are predators! Our job is to be aware of narcissists. Dr. Ramani teaches what the red flags are of who is a narcissist. I listen to Dr. Ramani on youtube every day. She is committed to helping as many people as she can to get help or get out of the abusive situation. I also listen to Dr. Les Carter on youtube. I am so proud of you!
Thank you.
You're welcome!
I'm glad you're addressing something you feel strongly about. I feel that you dealt with someone who may've also had BPD.
Thank you for sharing. I’m sorry that happened to you and I wish you the best on your journey. You helped to introduce me to so much great goth music and made me feel like I could have a place in the subculture. For that I thank you. It’s so important we’re true to ourselves, and I’m finally learning how to be. Again, thank you for your content and for being real with us. 🖤
A big part of being human is allways to grow and learn.
You don't have all the answers, you need to seek knowledge.
If you don't, you don't evolve.
And yeah, being gaslit, being stuck in a abusive relationship is never on the "victim"....never ever.
It is ALLWAYS on the abuser.
It took me many years to realize this, it took me, comming from an physical abusive relationship into a mental ( first i was "saved" by a narcissist) abusive relationship.....and into the one have I now, with a man who see me as the person I am and lets me grow and evolve, with only love and good etentions in his heart.
He didn't save me, he just got me the tools to work with just nu being supportive and a real part of my life.
Thank you so much for making this! I really hope that your video helps people who need it.
Horrifying to know someone could do that to someone else. But also being so afraid to leave from fear of being alone. Some people in this world need to be drown at birth.
This was amazing. Thank you for being so vulnerable, humble, and strong 🖤🖤🖤
I'm so sorry you had to go trough that relationship.
🖤 Thank you 🖤
@@angelabenedict
I appreciate that you revisit these subjects and discuss the ways your views and opinions have changed. It's really positive and shows growth. I'm so sorry about the narcissistic abuse you had to endure. I can definitely relate. I know the term narcissist and all the terms associated with it are over used and misused but when you know you know. It's some of the most devastating abuse you can go through. It leaves you gutted and hallowed out. There a lot of people going through this and don't realize what's happening to them until they become an unrecognizable shell of who they once were and it takes a long time and hard work to heal. You have made some really great points while revisiting these topics and they will definitely help people. Great video Angela 🖤
I’m sorry you went through that, and I’m glad you are healing. 🖤
I’m sorry that you went through such a toxic relationship with your ex partner. I also went through a very toxic relationship with my ex she was constantly accusing me of cheating and making fun out of my interests and manipulate me into feeling like I didn’t deserve love unless I distance myself from all of my friends.