The Roots of Social Anxiety... ft. Dr. Ali Mattu
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- Опубликовано: 24 ноя 2024
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All guests of Healthy Gamer are informed of the public, non-medical nature of the content and have expressly agreed to share their story.
Thanks to Dr. K for having me on and thank you to the wonderful community here for being so welcoming!
First... Reply?
@@A.Amerian 👋🏽
Thanks for this interview. I really enjoyed this conversation especially when you guys acknowledged how sometimes the fears about lowered performance actually are real and sometimes you actually are afraid of poor performance because you are doing poorly at something…. I think just knowing that “anxiety” isn’t necessarily a euphemism for “made up stuff all in your mind” is super validating! Like yes sometimes it can be that - sometimes you really are performing poorly at a skill and sometimes they really are talking about you behind your back. It’s validating to know these things and we all know them but not many doctors will say this stuff out loud!
❤❤❤❤❤
Thank you Dr. for giving us your valuable time and sharing all that you have. ❤ Dr. if I could have a little of your time I would like to share my thoughts based upon my own personal transition in life from a shy and somewhat anxious child to where I am now, and what I have gleaned along the way that made a difference for me. 🙂
So there was a time when I felt less than others, teased even over my masculinity and made to feel a outcast from a young age... Thing is this is all burdens I carried from giving too much emphasis to the opinions of others. This formed my perception/understanding of myself, my self-worth and where I fitted in compared to my peers, to the point I even people pleased a bit... Now I, like many others tried the long route of exposure therapy etc. in the hope it would magically wave a wand and fix all the elements that go into someone's full picture of themselves. Thing is this approach is flawed, approaching every fear from a place of feeling less than others is never going to magically change the deep routed elements of perceptions one holds of themself... But there is another way...
Firstly it's taking a step back and building a correct perception of oneself where it really matters, the values that shape all manner of decisions coupled with what someone deems as important in life. It's a non-judgement fact finding exercise discovering all elements of oneself from the good to the bad to the ugly... When someone becomes aware of some really negative traits, its easy to discard a lot simply by choosing to no longer be that person, other areas might need working on, but it should be a faster process than doing shadow work, knowing what needs to change. From this exercise someone knows their strengths, what makes them tick and ultimately what kind of a person they are. It is also knowing what needs working on so they can reach a place of self-pride, proud of the person they are and what they have accomplished. This is self-validation and authenticity, leading a life true to themselves and their values...
Then other short cuts to healthy self-esteem are self-assurance (the not being intimidated by others), self-belief (knowing someone can rely upon themselves to navigate all manner of life's obstacles) and self-awareness (knowing one's unique strengths and talents that they can play to which can keep them self-sufficient)...
There are courses out there that can address social confidence and presenting to groups of people. In fact I devised one myself which achieves this and more in less than 6 hours with next to no effort from participants. It works through zero expectations/objectives and humour, humour being the more bizarre the more entertaining it is for the audience. It is all the freedom for individuals to express themselves and project their personalities in their most natural form, and there is no judgement here, no criticism, just positive feedback coupled with all the ground rules that facilitate a learning and growing environment. All this achieving a confident foundation of social self-belief and genuine feeling of self-worth they can take with them and build upon. Also this approach focusses on what matters, the presenting of information as the audience takes a back seat in their focus (they've got this because they know the audience is/will be entertained, all the while they can just focus on delivering information). At this point the audience could be 2 or 50, simply because the focus isn't on people but the information being presented...
Now let's look deeper at what causes the anxiety. Could it be triggered memories of past traumatic situations faced and endured, or the manifestation of all manner of unknowns that they believe they don't have answers for, or the need to feel better about themeself to the point they can't afford another perceived embarrassment etc. Thing is everyone faces the odd embarrassing moment, what separates one from another is their foundation of perceived worth (situation isn't a true reflection of myself vs the overload to someone's already tanked-up negative perception of themselves)... One will reset their emotional regulation whereas the other will transfix on what happened and ruminate etc. over it for perhaps days, with perhaps more similar situations needed to face in between).
Someone with healthy self-esteem will naturally find their way of handling the odd embarrassing moment, whereas someone with low self-esteem is probably going to be too self-focussed to even start to find a way to make light of the situation... Someone's consciousness boils down to foundations of understandings and perceptions, therefore its quicker to work on these vs trying to plug one hole, only to find another leak elsewhere and so on and so forth. What I am talking about here is the changing perceptions of themselves coupled with how they think others perceive them coupled with highlighting what unique attributes they have that sets them apart from others... The really sad thing is these are things parents should have done for them, but it's never too late to put things right, and late developers can really gain from the experience compared to those who never had to go through such a transition, and emotional intelligence can really help to build, maintain and navigate all manner of healthy relationships... Just my thoughts based upon my own life experiences (I'm no health professional etc, neither have I had any formal training/study etc)... If you have read all of this I am grateful, perhaps it can even go some way to help others. ❤
Video starts at 5:13
Thank you
The world needs more people like you
Thanks because wtf 😂
@@SimplyaLady92 that intro was... a choice lol
:c i liked it
Best guest. Best conversation, second only too when Samwise told Frodo that there was good in the world
😅😂
you made me google it, wasnt disappointed
When Dr. Ali talked about his experience with selective mutism I almost wanted to start crying because I finally had a name for something I've experienced throughout my life that has felt very shameful. I am going to have to watch this stream several times to let the lessons sink in a little deeper.
Timestamp?
@@toompie69 11:16 Dr K asks about his background. 11:49 Ali tells about his background and how he discovered he had mutism as a child.
@@jessicaesplin Thanks!
Well said. I wish you well on your journey.
From personal experience. CBT approach requires you to constantly push yourself out of your comfort zone just to figure out what's wrong and what to do about it. It might be faster if it works for you, but when you've already spent your entire life pushing your limits and existing outside of your comfort zone in survival mode without good results (it works until you relax and stop pushing yoursrlf, then you have to start over), you don't necessarily trust that more pushing is going to work, and you're just too tired to keep doing it to yourself.
Psychodynamic approach is slower, but it allows you to deeply get to know and understand yourself (instead of another person doing it for you), and the discomfort you perience is mostly just internal, no one needs to witness it. Having to face your emotions in the safety of your home is less stressful for your nervous system. Significantly less stressful, and I won't exaggerate by saying that after enough work is done, things you struggled with simply stop feeling so challenging without you ever trying to push yourself and going through that awkwardness and overwhelming fear.
It's been two years for me, and I didn't get over all that I struggled with, but it been a very safe and comforting journey, all I need to do is keep going and enjoy the changes.
The point is that you really don't have to put yourself through that sense of terror over and over, unless you require very fast results. CBT ferls like throwing a child into the water to get them to learn how to swim, Psychodynamics feel like proper swimming lessons.
do you have any psychodynamic reference/sources/document that you could share pls ?
i would like seeing what it is really about and maybe try
Commenting in here because im interested in this. Please could you recomend some resources that helped you?
you explained it so well. I was thinking the same. I pushed myself hard for many years and it kinda helped but was painful and slow. when I started to watch content like Dr K's my progress became faster and deeper
I agree. I found CBT to be really good for achieving specific goals like being able to make phone calls or job interviews etc. But there's something missing that helps you heal so to speak. I haven't done psychodynamic therapy - glad to hear you've had a good experience 😊
I really want to address an important point you guys talk about at the end:
Speaking up to let your therapist know what our needs are.
When I reflect on my experiences with my first therapist, I honestly feel so frustrated with the whole process of finding a therapist. I have C-PTSD and major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety. I was seeing this guy for EMDR and he didn’t really try to understand me or my issues. Instead, he was trying to force me to do a lot of different things and tried to use these formal procedures and questionnaires to gauge my mental health. He would not work with me to do EMDR on my childhood memories because he didn’t think I was ready. And on top of that, he didn’t do the reprocessing step for the triggers that we did work on. And when the results didn’t see any improvement (i was still very anxious and depressed), he blamed me for not doing enough like practicing coping mechanisms. He kept pushing me to take SSRIs even though i told him I’m not comfortable with it. He made every attempt to assume / intellectualize things about my situation and me. I see now that this guy was a really bad therapist and a terrible fit for me. The best thing he did was suggesting me to see a different therapist.
After hearing this talk, I get it now. We, the clients/patients, have to work hard to self-advocate and drive the sessions/conversations we have with our therapists. Because guess what? Not everyone is a decent therapist that genuinely tries to help their patients. And not every therapist will put in the effort to ask probing questions and really try to understand you.
I feel your pain and think that mental health practitioners like that should have their licensed revoked. They are a doctor, and their sole responsibility is the mental well being of their patients. If that isn't their top priority as a therapist/psychiatrist they need to find a different career as they are ONLY hurting people more with their incompetence and malpractice.
this is amazing growth, what a journey you have been through. ive unfortunately been through similar terrible experiences with psychologists. i wont let it stop me, in fact i am four years into studying to become a psychologist (therapist) and i am one of the higherst performing students. i am so glad you didn't let it stop you either. you inspire me so much to keep pushing, and i hope to help people like you and me in the future
Your comment makes me want to suggest Dr. Jacob Ham, if you aren't aware of him already. There is an interview of him on YT, and the way he approaches therapy might resonate with you. Best of luck in your healing.
Sorry to hear you did not have a helpful positive experience with the said therapist you were working with.
For those of us who have experienced something similar, please do know it’s not easy. It’s unfortunate that in those moments where we need and do seek help, it’s also when we encounter some gaps and failings of the system and/or its individual actors.
IMO perhaps outside of very specific instances for certain conditions, psychotherapy is most fruitful for both the client and the clinician when approached as something to do WITH clients and not TO clients. It’s not semantics and not just an abstract “nice thing”, rather it’s a choice of posture. It’s a choice to risk, to be human with clients, to be human in one’s practice. “Human” not as in to cross professional boundaries and ethical guidelines but “human” as in being a real, living, breathing, feeling human presence engaging with another human who is also living, breathing, feeling. It’s not sentimentality either; there have been research findings that indicate a good therapeutic alliance can positively impact client outcomes. IMO that type of therapeutic alliance in its realest sense comes from or is at least informed by a clinician truly leaning in.
If we think about it, how often is it in the stories we consume, we spread, we have experienced that the pivotal moments are often from someone showing up. Whether that’s someone sharing with us their special colour pencils, if it’s the tale of Sam following and aiding Frodo every step of the way, it’s a friend or family member who shows up for us. IMO that’s the core of what psychotherapy is for. Technique, training, know how and skill matters yes, but equally if not perhaps even more so, is showing up for and with clients
Yea, I ran into this too. I never realized the depth of my own personal issues and it felt like my first therapist didn't really catch a lot of it either (neither of us was really aware of what was going on). It came to a point where they said "I don't really think there's anything I can help you with" and I just wish I didn't slip through the cracks so much.
Same story. A quiet and "shy kid", nothing wrong on the outside, screaming, struggling, and feeling hopeless inside. Learned about selective mutism only in my mid 20's and everything finally made sense.
Just hearing them talk about social anxiety situations gives me anxiety.
Felt this one 😣😭🤧🤲🏾
lol
Facts! 😂
This is called Anxanxietyiety
Remove yourself from the equation. They aren't telling you how you should change yourself. But instead are giving examples of people based on past experiences in their work
Of all the professionals you invited, he was so coolest guy, and conversation is also really dense in topics!
I’m tearing up this has been one of THE most helpful videos with social anxiety. So beautifully in depth without being difficult to digest.I was having a huge setback with my social anxiety and difficulty moving past it and this has liberated me to articulate what I need more clearly to my therapist. I was doing so well with overcoming my social anxiety before this setback and now I’m feeling hopeful again.
I’ve finished the interview PLEASE allow yourself to do the “glazing”. Hearing brilliant academics and clinicians actually speak their minds is inspiring to us (the generation of researchers and practitioners that will come after y’all)❤️.
"The cool thing about a cycle is that you can stop at any one point"
"If the weather app gives the exact same prediction everyday, thats a bad weather app...If the mind keeps giving the same thoughts on everything then those thoughts clearly dont matter....this is not new information....Not specific to the context Im in"
Awsm and insightful convo !!
This is fantastic!!! What a great expert guest. Clearly very knowledgeable, but I equally appreciate his personableness which enhances his delivery of information for me.
Oh neat a video about me
😂
😂😭
we're all in this together 💙
I feel exposed.
I'd love to see some of these conversations continued in further streams/collabs. They're so interesting and genuinely informative. I know it was 2 hours but honestly it felt like it could've gone on for another 10 😂
Now we wait for part 2, then 3, then... Great collab and great convo! Thanks!
Was so happy for this interview waiting since last week then forgot about it 😂. Two of my favorite mental health professionals love their videos. 😊
Wonder ful to see both of u together ..🎉 i have loads of respect for ur work Dr Ali And Dr K ..Good people working together means so much better for the world ! 🎉
I think my current problem is avoidance. I’ve done that since I was small. Which I thought was fine, but felt gradually more guilty. - Now, if I feel a bit inspired, or push myself to make one or more actions, I inevitably hit a disappointment or setback. - Then my mood drops very low, and the negative thoughts storm in. - I try to “coach” myself with positive interpretations or framing. But it’s not effective enough for me. - I feel so bad that I somewhat regret the attempt at making things better. Then more avoidance.
Detached from emotions, I tell myself that any action, attempt, practice, or learning experience is good. But how I feel, and my inner critic, tell me that I’m the worst person in the room, always.
@@SupaMang25 what is the next step to stop avoidance after all this
This was one of the most helpful videos on your channel, I wish it was longer!! Thank you so much for the work that you do, I really appreciate this talk
The banter between you guys is so entertaining to watch! Please bring Dr. Mattu back!
This was quite enjoyable to listen to. Thank you for hosting this, Dr. K.
As someone that has crippling social anxiety and was selectively mute as a kid. I appreciate this one
This is one of my favorite guests that's been on a stream. Such a fun back and forth. Hope he comes back often!
Amazing to see you two together! Keep up the good work! ♥
Hey your videos help me a lot with understanding and getting unstuck from my OCD!
@@mindroam I still struggle with intrusive thoughts but less since I found Nathan Peterson.
Thanks to you I have improved in my handling of intrusive thoughts which sometimes are difficult to manage.
I am so thankful for this video Dr K. You don’t know how much it means to me to have a guest tell the story of an experience that is foreign to a lot of people. I had such a similar upbringing to Dr Ali and it reassures me a ton!
Also inspiring to see that he came out to be this gregarious and charming person who inspires many people
What a great guest! I really enjoy the dynamic between the two!
As a preschool teacher, who started watching play summits and got introduced to a glimpse of neuroscience and psychology. Since then, I was addicted on learning how the brain works (as well as how kids learn) just as how others are addicted with social media. That's why I am so much in debt for these kinds of people who willingly share their research and knowledge for common people like me to learn from. I would also agree that DIY therapy is possible as I think I've done it to myself as well.
So thank you so much Dr. K for sharing your expertise to us in a very easy language everyone can understand.
PS. Would recommend people to watch Dr Becky since she's a clinical psych that specializes in parenting.
Dr K, I appreciate your videos so much and I get tremendous value from them. Thank you for producing them.
I should say that I prefer them a lot shorter than what they currently are. I hope my feedback is useful 🙂
This was one of my favorite conversations I’ve watched and I would love to see more
I gotta say I love the mutual appreciations society! Partially because your conversation is more substantive than just glazing but also I think I have a hard time showing appreciation to people I'm not like bff's with so having that modeled it really nice!
Thank you dr K for another insightful interview. You’ve been a large help in my mental health journey, helping me understand myself and my struggles and how to improve 😊
Tag yourself; I’m “Can’t have a conversation.” I can perform; I get ordinary levels of nervous giving a speech or singing a song or doing a dance, and I sometimes like it and sometimes don’t, but I can’t approach someone and start a conversation, I can’t end one (that’s me forever stranded in a conversation at a networking event, afraid I’m boring you but unable to leave), and I don’t know what to say when I’m -in- the conversation unless you’re asking me for facts about a topic. I wonder what I need to learn; I learned how to give a speech, but it was like “Here’s an outline you can start with; here are some good ways to organize a speech; build the whole thing around how you want your audience to be different once they’ve heard your speech, even if it’s a technical speech about biology…” I’m not sure what the procedural equivalent is for walking up to someone at a networking event/the dance studio/a conference lunch room, determining whether someone is open to you initiating a conversation, and actually initiating one.
I have the same experience
Same here. I don’t feel like I’m adding enough to the conversation so I just start saying shit. I don’t want the conversation to die so they don’t think I’m boring but I don’t want to be in the conversation because I feel like I’m being judged.
I am the charismatic, socially anxious person. It's a me 😅. It makes keeping a job horribly difficult but no one ever knows its because im anxious. People think its because I get bored. More like i get unsustainably anxious about my performance and dealing with coworkers over time. The good thing is im GREAT at getting jobs lol 🙃
Shit this made me
Shit this made me
really like where this convo went. Don’t mind questions getting pushed out if y’all are touching on new ground. Can’t think of specifics but there have been times where stuff yall are talking about has been visited before, not often, just a pretty common thing that happens with podcasting adjacent media
Thanks for this insightful intimate conversation! ❤
10:30 "Talk for maybe about an hour"
*nearly 3 hour conversation*
Dr K: "we're at time and I wanna respect that"
Dr. M: "so anyway..." 😂
Dr. Ali described exactly me when I was a child. Down to the feeling of heat and freezing up. The generalized anxiety was passed from my mom most definitely I didn’t realize this until you said it . I have been through years of suffering I didn’t know I had selective mute ism back then my parents and teachers just labeled me as shy. I am struggling even though he said it’s not my fault I still feel helpless I have been searching for my entire life for a solution because I am broken. My brain wont allow me to be calm in social situations, like you said the stakes go way high when the eyes are focused on me. How do I stop it 😢
Its not your fault, but its your responsibility to deal with it
You're not broken.
Try not to label yourself or think your situation is unique. I mean that in a nice way but in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter. Just do what you can now to have a better life
This video gave me goosebumps. This will sound bizarre but the comment of “lion in a cage” resonates so strongly with me because I have been battling social anxiety my whole life and I have almost qualified as an Optometrist which has been the most intense challenge of my life. Part of me wonders if someone with social anxiety should not do a job like mine but it is my passion and I know I can help my patients. The problem is I am still caged and held back by the anxiety. It’s so weird because at university they had a binocular vision machine
called a synoptophore that shows different images to each eye and one of the stereograms is a lion in one eye and a cage in the other and your brain fuses them as a lion in a cage. The weird thing is I was put on that machine as a kid due to my eye problems and remember the exact same picture of the lion in the cage. It’s as if it is a sign that I am on the right path and my career is going to help me conquer my anxiety. This video just made me realise it like a lightning bolt. Excellent video.
Whoa, I can relate SO MUCH to Dr. Ali -- had a painful birthday pool party experience in preschool, didn't realize my angst was anxiety until my mid-thirties . . . a little later I realized that my mom was also Very Anxious, and I realized that she never knew it. She died a couple years ago and would have sworn she had no issues with anxiety . . .
Can relate as a mom to anxious kids, too lol
Great conversation! Thank you all and thanks Dr Ali for participating, very insightful discussion.
bro has a kindness kink and it's adorable
hahaha i love that, so true 😂
31:25 THIS. SO MUCH. Like stability is great, it's a godsend, but when you go to a small school, everyone sort of ends up feeling like a cousin. You don't actually have to learn how to make new friends.
Just had a fashback of crying before going to school as a kid 😶
Also I realise from a clinical perspective diagnosing mental illness makes sense to do at a point when it’s interrupting performance but I also think mental health issues can be very debilitating even if it doesn’t hurt outward performance, because even if you are successful, there is still a lot of exhaustion when your nervous system is activated highly all the time.
Scrolling through the vid Dr. Ali Mattu is so expressional with his hand gestures while Dr. K is just sitting there.
I would love for them to meet up again, great conversation!!
1:15:04 holding a cup in public, or even a piece of paper, I was in a waiting room on Tuesday packed with people in front of and next to me, my number on the paper and I question if I should move my arm and if they will notice my anxiety and it actually makes it harder to move my arm as it gets stiffer from anxiety, anxiety leading to more anxiety lol. Other fear was where to put my eyes as I mentioned there were people in front of me, I was looking above them then quickly look below them in an effort to avoid their faces, and the more the person face was closer to the center of my general direction it was more risky and even my body automatically tilts in the chair trying to avoid that and my neck gets stiff. I notice sometimes when I walk in a mall for example I try to block parts of my field of view so it becomes more narrow, but it makes faces more blurry and of course as with anxiety you make the faces more judgmental towards you as you try to avoid them more, and you get the desire to wear things that partially block your Fov like a hoodie for example in an effort to reduce your fear. And because your sa wants you to respond to it even if you can’t control people looking at you or interacting with you, it considers it a failure and it can cause feeling of shame, and anger. anxiety leading to symptoms causing more anxiety leading to awkwardness leading to more validation of the anxiety. anxiety validating itself.
Loved every second of this. Please do another part. You have adorable personalities and complement each other so incredibly well it is a great pleasure❤
34:00
- Wow.
He said ''mouse'' is a kid with anxiety, running away.
I directly thought :
1)
"I want to be a lion"
2)
"So why was I agressive as a kid ?
Oh maybe because it's what cornered panicked animals do"
And then he said :
"Lion backed into a cage roars"
Fuck. Story of my life.
Loved it, thank you! Super useful, a wonderful guest.
I can remember when I was 20 years old I went to a music festival with my cousins and I was so nervous because I had never been to anything like that before. During a set, I saw a guy walking up with his hand up looking like he was trying to give a high five. I assumed it was for me so I put my hand up and he completely ignored it, and proceeded to high five the guy behind me who was his friend. My face got so red and I haven’t forgotten it to this day. I’m 31 lol. I still struggle with embarrassment and shyness but I try to embrace that id rather be like this than someone who isn’t socially aware what others think of them.
If I'm being honest with myself, I clicked on this video because of Dr. Ali Mattu's bright shirt. I'm glad I did because I realized that I had selective mutism and was also sent to ESL despite having advanced knowledge of English (because I read books all the time) and that I definitely have social anxiety. Insane how I let conclusions I made about how safe it was to potentially embarrass myself in public at the age of 7 control my life.
Did you see something different than the thumbnail that's featured now? I just ask since it's missing his beautiful and fun shirt lol
Wow, I thought was put in ESL due to racism. Yet I have the same experience as you. I had to fight all my teachers to take me out bc they were moving too slow. I was begging to be in advance classes and nobody believed me. Till I got there and got good grades. Made honor rolls for the first time. I was dying for challenge
I was diagnosed with social anxiety but I don't live it that way. I guess there must be levels.
Anyway it was a clarifying conversation. I very much appreciate the guest's sincerity.
When I read the title of the video I literally thought “They’re probably not going to talk about selective mutism.” And it being basically the first thing that got brought up, made me feel so validated. I rarely hear anyone talk about it, even in the mental health world, and it’s just nice to finally hear that someone else has had the exact same experience as me.
Dr. Ali Mattu is an awesome guest! I'm happy to add him as a trusted resource :)
I would like to suggest Dr. Kirk Honda from Pschyology in Seattle as another guest. He is a therapist and an educator and he can give a great commentary on couple and family therapy, personality disorders, and ethics of the profession. I think he would be a great resource for the community - especially in the relationships department. Wathich his reactions to dating shows taught me a lot about relationship dynamics.
Loved the stream! Was very insightful 😄
Dr K honestly thank you for everything you do.
By far the best guest he had so far ! Absolutely amazing talk
this was such a great conversation ❤
Amazing video! I’d also love a video on how to know what to choose between two difficult life decisions. Thanks Dr. K and Dr. Mattu!!
Thanks for implementing time od tbe short in the description! You are awesome
Amazing episode, one of my favourite guests!
Great chat and so many actionable ideas as always. This channel is gold 😊
As someone who had social anxiety, exposure therapy is the most helpful. I hated it, I really hated it but it was the best solution 😅
I'm still anxious in many situations but my goal is to never avoid too much because I never want to feel what I felt in exposure therapy again 😅
Bro I want to do exposure therapy as well. Could you tell me the difference between your before and after self beyond exposure therapy. And does the gains remain there forever after the therapy is over or does the fear come back when you stop doing exposure?
@@vedzwrl9054 It won't stay automatically with you forever, you have to work with it every now and then.
The worst part was that my body had to learn that it didn't need to have all these symptoms like nausea, sweating, feeling like collapsing. Takes time. But after that it became easier.
You have to know I have a stutter since I was young so I didn't like talking before class, a group of strangers, order food etc. All that made me panic.
After therapy I was more aware of what anxiety is doing to me and when. I got more confident which reduced my stutter. I was surprised to realize I actually like talking, even before class and that people tend to like me naturally for who I am which is still..wtf 😅
Still there are situations I get very anxious and I want to avoid. But I knew exactly that I have to go through them. Otherwise I will feed the anxiety again.
I'm 27 now and a nurse, so I have to talk everyday to people. I like my job. And it's like training for me.
It's okay to be anxious but letting anxiety take decisions for you is the real enemy.
So therapy is totally worth it 🙏☺️
Great to witness this side of youtube. I love these.
Awesome interview Dr. K. Listening to this while I work, I thought you were interviewing David Cross cause your guest's voice sounds so similar 😂
Why not put the guests details in the desc.? ( :
Thanks for sharing this conversation!
One Love!
Always forward, never ever backward!!
☀☀☀
💚💛❤
🙏🏿🙏🙏🏼
I had selective mutism in school. I didn't talk socially to anyone, apart from 2-3 people. I was bullied to the point i didn't feel safe in school, so I just stopped going. I was pretty smart and I've never been able to recover my education. For me, therapy and meds could only do so much. I think going forward we need to educate ALL our children about shyness and anxiety, and normalise it.
Wow. I cannot believe how well put that was @ 39:45 .
I gave a genuinely high-stakes talk for a job interview. Potentially life-transforming. Nailed it. No problem.
I saw a mountain-biking meetup I wanted to go to, but DIDNT GO because someone I'd had a falling out with MIGHT BE THERE.
Wild.
I would love see you talk on psychodynamics stuff like the concept of complexes and how they form and may cause death by hyperventilating
Maybe a biopsychosociol overview of different schools of thought between Freud Adler and Jung and how they came together
And just thanks a lot ❤
I am 20 year old Naive and innocent in social settings but academically very smart … my request is how to handle people looking down upon and taking advantage of? It is humiliating to see people advantage of me, I couldn’t make strong meaningful friends. Please help
sounds like a problem with getting used, lack of setting boundaries, not being able to say no, or not being able to screen good-intentioned individuals from the bad ones.
Brutal
Look for quiet/reserved people to befriend. And don't tolerate exploitative behavior just to have "friends." You're better off by yourself until you find people you actually connect with.
Before approaching new person decide for yourself, what you won't do. For example - I'm joining a new course, there will be new people and I would like to have some friend connetcions. At the same time I will not do anyone's homework, give money, help build furniture - insert options you would think are expluatations of you. Everyone have some things they won't do and it is OK for friends not to push on this things. When you decide rules for yourself, you can approach others and find something to do together. I find it much easier to go not from friendship to activities, but the other way. First start playing badminton after work, then find nice people who also playing or willing to start and become friends. Also learn to politely refuse, it's OK to answer "sorry, I will not" to any request.
really awesome conversation, i learned a lot
Dr. Mattu's shirt is absolutely amazing and I must have one!
Thanks for introducing me to another educational healthcare resource!
another way of seeing it is the costumes you have of everyone. What do they wear? who do they talk to? does it help you see reality? does it ground you? are they villains or heroes? they shouldn't either or, just that you are alive, and you can see them calmly at peace with you.
I used to think my friend hated me, and I let that play on for years, but in the end he is just looking for something new to experience, and I desire to feel new too, and I think that's what anyone is doing.
If everyone cares about you at every moment, that sounds like everyone wants you to fit a costume forever.
I love Dr Ali! He was featured on Netflix awhile back. Big inspiration for my career choice. 😄
so true iv'e had social anxiety all my life from 19 ..i'm now 65 ,it's got better as i got older but if i drink to much coffee ,beer etc it comes back strongly for a week or so till my brain sort it self out .
I saw the thumbnail, and i clicked
Who’s dat my friend
this guest is a great speaker i was invested the entire time and felt interested. i usually feel bored with speakers but this guy just kept me cliff hanging lol
He has comedian vibes :)
Thanks for the confirmation that it's not my fault. For the longest time I thought like what was wrong with me, even in 4th grade I tried intellectualizing many times why I'm so weird and can't play like the others. I related a lot to Ali, I've had this since as long as I could remember, even at like three I was planning plots for making it seem like I was spontaneous and a funny kid and intentionally misspelled names to reinforce that image. Biggest takeaway is that this is probably not trauma for me, as it was not for Ali, but a developmental stage that wasn't completed. And that other people aren't at fault either.
Need more with dr mattu
Anyone else close their eyes and hear Tobias Funke? I feel like this is a peak into a different dimension where he became an effective analyst+therapist.
YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!! I've wanted this video for awhile :D 🎉
1:49:20 going forward on your own, social skills, practice & exp w/ embarrassment, rejection, spontaneously saying things, learning to ask open ended questions
1:50:00 1:51:30 open ended questions
1:54:20 intentionally say the thing that you're so scared of saying
1:56:00 there are other ppl with your interests, you just don't realise it
1:57:40 yes, and? improv 1:59:20 say the thing that comes to mind (like in normal conversation)
2:28:15 😂
wish i had this 5 years ago
It's so hard for me to stay focused on the speaker when my brain is just going "hey, that's me", "oh, thats my kid", "wait, thats not anxiety, my mom did that, too... Oh!".... Etc.
Loved this conversation! ❤
This is the perfect output of the prompt 'The Roots of Social Anxiety'!
I have the same response when im in social activities since i was a child ; i have a selective mutisme and when im in confidende with people around me ill become talking and talking as im super confident ; thats why strangers sometimes think or have the impression that im confident and normal ; But maybe when i was child it was more shyness but right know its became social anxiety with time and with traumas ,covid lock down, jobless and mostly because im isolated .
BUT when i did therapy i find out that my most anxiety come from slattering , and right know im diagnosted with masqued slutterer . ( sorry for english but i wanted to share my situation maybe it can help ) .
And an other point , i have tendance to look in the eyes even if im so stressed , so it give the impression that im confident in social talks . Maybe the most important is this factor , and during the conversation the anxiety drop . If u dont give importance to anxiety , with exposure and time , anxiety gonna dissapear .Anxiety its not against us its just a signal from the body . Thats my position .
I've overcome profound social phobia of which I more recently discovered was a product of undiagnosed autism.
I don't agree with the differentiation of the polarized archetypes of therapy: CBT-pragmatic: work directly with symptom, vs psychodynamic: the human dimension, relational, past developmental context, and introspection.
I've found in my practice what I call "experiential psychotherapy" schools, to be a higher level blending of the two. I would have a client imagine specific moments of anxiety/avoidance in session, get to meaning/past emotional learnings/schemas, bodily experiences and attempt to help them have a new experience with resources, acting differently in imagination, regulation... and celebrate any changes dyadically. Then use their real life experiences as further testing of what we did in session. As real life outside of the four walls is part of the "experiential" as well to me.
There's more out there than just psychodynamic and CBT people!
1:35:29 I avoid praise just like I avoid criticism because the issue is the same, I’m being noticed, the focus is on me now. what if I make a mistake what if I disappoint will they hate me? Do they hate me because they didn’t praise me this time or did I do a mistake? It’s like looking for constant reassurance, but it leads to avoidance and fear of rejection
Or did they only praise me because they think I'm pathetic? "Yay you finally did *something* "? Or because they think it's what I want to hear? Or because *they* actually want to be praised and hope if they do it first I will reciprocate? Now I feel pressured to say something nice back but what if it's the wrong thing or I can't think of anything and they will feel rejected because I'm a socially anxious mess?
1:21:00 for me the problem is focusing because sa (and anxiety in general)narrows down the attention towards one thing(that it deems more important )and blocking other things (ie focusing) that it deems less important for example focusing towards the eyes and switching the focus to the nose you’re still focusing through your sa by either avoiding or locking aggressively towards it, but imo stepping back and having that general attention towards people as they are part of the environment without trying to block things your sa wants you to block but still not responding to sa. And in not blocking them it’s like an alcoholic trying not to drink a glass right in front of them but still looking at it like it’s not a threat, you don’t avoid the glass(the eyes) but you also don’t drink from it nor throw it away( not focusing on it but it’s part of your FOV) like the glass (anxiety )didn’t exist in the first place.
In anxiety, Only way out is through.
I don’t know if it’s the ZOA energy drink that I’m drinking or the conversation, but this shit fires me up!
Great guest. Learned a lot.
Great stream
I can relate to Dr. Ali. I didn't talk as a kid either and always hid behind my mother. Now, as an adult, I have SAD, and when I spend time with anyone, I take everything in that they're saying, but I don't really say anything. If I decide to try to, I get talked over. Also, I have never had one therapist that talks about SA like Dr. K and Dr. Ali do. In my experience it's usually the same generic advice like grounding, deep breathing, exposure, journaling, etc and none of it actually has an impact and changes the anxiety.
44:48 may just note that I have this time of crosswalk anxiety, but I would describe it a bit different. I am very hesitant to cross the street in places where there are no traffic lights and tend not to do it unless it's unavoidable. I also try to cross the street any moment when there are no cars on it (ignoring crosswalks). I also feel easier following others. I have this strong feeling of interrupting cars, getting in the way of drivers, making stop someone who could be in a hurry, while I could cross the street at the correct moment without interrupting anyone...
I see this as fear nowadays (catch that behavior), I tell myself it is not very rational and I will cross the street rather normally when needed, but I keep getting those small bursts of anxiety whenever considering crossing the street... and then I have some friends who barely consider cars and easily take numerous crosswalks (for example 2 instead of 0) while interrupting everyone even when not needed. Those differences feel so awkward to me...
(Unexpectedly, long rant comment)
Anyone else grow up with severe social anxiety and have family call you “antisocial” throughout your childhood?
My dad basically caused my social anxiety. I was a normal kid, and slowly - because of his anger management issues and my family’s constant judgment of me - I ended with severe social anxiety. I didn’t realize that’s what it was to this day. I thought it was just OCD.