(s6e5) GUILT, SHAME, & MANIPULATIVE PARENTS | Biblical Womanhood Book Club • Christian Parenting
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- Опубликовано: 8 июл 2024
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00:00 Teaser
01:57 Introduction
06:20 Authority, But No Power?
13:00 Fear
15:36 Threats
18:46 Rewards
21:00 What do tools of change actually do????
21:50 Shame & Guilt
BOOK | Parenting: 14 Gospel Principles That Can Radically Change Your Family
AUTHOR | Paul Tripp
ABOUT THIS CHANNEL | I am a wife to an exceptional man, a mother to beloved daughters, a diligent homemaker, and a businesswoman. But before all these roles I am a woman who belongs to The Lord. A daughter to the God of The Bible through the work of my savior Jesus Christ. On this channel, you will enjoy content designed to cultivate a rich experience of biblical womanhood. You will be encouraged to place your true hope and faith in the Lord. You will also hear hard discussions about accountability and personal responsibility for your life and what it produces. We embrace real character and integrity as much as we do physical beauty and femininity. We are called to be women of our Father's Kingdom and to honor Him with our speech, actions, and modest yet feminine dress. I would love to have you along for the ride as we embrace a manner of life that brings honor to the name of our Father and get to the work of accomplishing our mission.
#ChristianParenting #Proverbs31 #GentleParenting
One of the most quoted verses about parenting is found in Proverbs 22:6, “Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it”🙏🏿
At 7:30 - I think what Tripp means is that we have the authority to demand, set up, effect change in a (behavioral) situation related to our child, but we don’t have the power to change our child internally (meaning their heart attitude/motivations, etc.).
We change effect change in the physical and the seen but not in the spiritual and internal
This is a great perspective. I’m waiting for my book to come in so I haven’t started reading yet. From listening to this video, I assumed he meant we cannot fully parent without Gods power. Meaning God has given us the authority to parent in partnership with his power. lol. Idk if that makes sense.
I also got the sense that the author was encouraging us to train our kids instead of coerce or harass them to do what we want.
I have little understanding of what the Bible says on the fear of God, but I understand it to mean a deep respect and worship...so much so that it would make you think twice about breaking a promise you made or disobeying in any way. I think the shift happens when your main concern is not the fear that you will experience some negative consequence, but rather the fear that you are letting someone down and not honoring them and therefore hurting the relationship (be it with our parents or with God).
A reward/consequence system is good but a lot of times just not enough to change behavior permanently or help think things differently. My suggestions:
- Help them see where you are coming from (no ‘because I say so), share personal stories
- read the Bible together (show them examples), teach them analysis
- don’t shame them/make them feel like they are a failure or like something’s wrong with them(their identity). share with them you are also human and struggled with the similar things as a child and it’s normal
- don’t be cruel or patronizing, in tone and words
- listen to them
- don’t let yourself be manipulated
- full-fill your promised rewards/consequences
-rewards and consequences should be moderate and not excessive like going to Disneyland (several days)
-avoid making unhealthy foods a reward
I love your videos Bindi and I learn a lot from you. When you give advice, that’s exactly the right approach. If you just say the law, most would not change behaviour, hearing an indepth analysis, with your friends and your own experiences, sourcing from the Bible, etc. that is such a wise way of teaching!
These are such good points. Thank you for sharing.
Hi Bindi. I feel like, while watching this, you get his messages but seem to assume he is meaning something else lol. He is definitely talking from the perspective of gentle parenting. It has a lot to do with psychology. The beautiful phrase you mention, to me, simply means that you can help guide the child in the right direction but you can’t control the outcome of how they turn out. We have the influence to guide them in the right direction and can actually raise the probability of them becoming the best version of themselves if we keep the relationship with our children a positive one. The state of the relationship is what helps us with that influence, but we ultimately still have no guarantee on the outcome. We can keep positive relationships with our kids with positive discipline and “natural” and “related” consequences and rewards. He is stating we shouldn’t be threatening “if you don’t stop jumping off the table I will take away your toy for the rest of the day” but instead giving the natural consequences “if you keep jumping off the table you may get hurt and twist your ankle” or related consequence “if you don’t stop jumping off the table I will have to move you to another room because you’re not being safe.” This helps the child think about the consequences as something that will occur without you having anything to do with orchestrating the result and therefore they learn right from wrong because of how the world works and not because their parents said so. However, there are times when we have to intervene for their safety or to keep the boundaries we have set in our home.
The same applies with reward. You can explain or model and ask questions to get them thinking about an intrinsic reward to them and that helps them want to do the right thing because it feels good to them internally. You can explain the natural rewards about how doing good in school gets you good grades and a good job etc. It’s about finding what your child’s internal wants, needs, and dreams are and the things that matter to them in their day to day life to help guide their behavior.
I will also add that I believe he means that if we believe we have the control, then we will be more aggressive and controlling with our parenting vs being gentle and guiding them. That aggression and control is what hinders our influence.
Maybe the book was written more along the lines of helping change your mindset and how you view things rather than give a how to or actual tools.
Loving this series! Learning about parenting is definitely something I am passionate about.
All these things listed are things "you believe" the author means. Assuming. Filling in the blanks that the author should've done himself. So it won't be what we "believe" he means. But what he actually means. The author can do this better by clarifying it directly (which he hasn't done yet in the book). So....yea. he might mean gentle parenting as the solution. He might mean a whole different approach. Again your response is an assumption of his points. Not any clear points the book has made
@@valarmorghulis4801 exactly
What I understand from what the author is saying is that it's a reminder of how we can plant and water seeds, but how and if they grow its up to God. We still have a responsibility to take care of things and do our part in a child's discipline without extremes . That being said, we must always remember that only the Holy Spirit can convince them of sin and make significant changes in their lives, and we need to trust that He is in control. We teach them so they remember... I believe that we all go through so many different things in our lives. There's no one specific way of doing things correctly. Maybe thats why the author doesn't go into more detail yet (i have not finished the book). Only Gods word and Holy Spirit can give us the WISDOM for correct words and encouragement/consequences when needed for our individual circumstances. This book has been a true blessing in my life. Thank you for your input and videos, I truly appreciate them 💖
I agree totally with this comment. 1 Corinthians 3:6-7 states ”I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God has been making it grow. So neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow.“
it doesn’t take responsibility from the parent , but it could reduce punitive punishment , unreasonable demands , and threats because you believe your child’s behavior /success etc. is a product of you instead of God. It yields obedience with contingencies. When God is given room to change a child’s heart then genuine changes can be made.
thank for this totally agree
Guilt and shame were such a big control method used.in the home I grew up in. Me and my brothers would literally hide in our rooms to avoid my parents having a problem with something we wore or said or ate that they didn't approve of. Even things that were expressed were ok with them before would the next day be a grave sin and we were "going towards the world". So wishy washy and even things that were firmly set in stone were so stupid and being a teenager in that house was absolute misery. God forbid I ever treat my child like that.
7:26 A gardener cares for the seedling but does not have the power behind it sprouting.
Agent of change but not the power behind the change is like the gardener preparing the soil and daily tending to the seedling but ultimately god is the “power” behind if it will and when it will sprout. If the soil was ignored or mishandled, there is no agent of change for the power to work through. that’s how I understand this authors point.
Hi Bindi, please please make an everyday skin/grooming routine. As somebody who doesnt use makeup, i know I'd learn a lot from you.
Also, i really enjoyed the hair care video. I liked your minimalistic approach❤❤
At 14:36, when you’re talking about parental wrath - I think a danger is that because we are NOT God, our anger and indignation is often sinful, the result of how we have been inconvenienced, disrespected, etc. So responding in anger can often be a slippery slope. Sometimes it is the motivation of our anger, but often it could be as simple as how quick we are to become angry (see the James verse below). Both are sinful types of anger.
Several verses come to mind:
”Therefore let anyone who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall.“
1 Corinthians 10:12 ESV
”Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted.“
Galatians 6:1 ESV
”Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.“
Ephesians 6:1-4 ESV
(Notice the command is to children - rather than parents to FORCE the children to obey… also rather than use a direct threat, Paul appeals to the blessing there is in obedience. He reminds parents (fathers specifically) to not provoke their children to anger, and what better way is there to provoke children to anger than to respond in unrighteous/exaggerated anger? (Remember the Proverbs often warn us against sharing company with angry people because they cause strife.)
”Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.“
James 1:19-20 ESV
Hey Tiffany!
Thanks for commenting and sharing!
It really did help me to see the alternative side, and consider things in a new light that I did not see before.
all very great points 👌🏻
I think the author is trying to point out the difference between training our children and controlling our children. Training provides a guide that can lead them to internal changes of their OWN accord and self sufficiency and the ability to make wise choices on their own; for their own benefit. Training helps children acknowledge the fear of consequences and reaffirms fear of The Lord. Controlling them leads to resentment, rebellion, and distrust and fear of the parent (without fear of The Lord). Usually controlling the child is rooted in a parents selfish desire of how they want their child to behave and look and perform. It is good to fear the consequences of their actions and we can provide clear insight to their choices and their consequences. If they are always doing what we demand (out of fear, guilt, or shame) of them they have no real consequences other than a threat of what will happen if they refuse control. Simply controlling our children’s choices by not allowing them to have a choice and/or demand they make certain choices creates a rift and can make it so they never actually learn cause and effect of their actions let alone their ability to make decisions on their own in adulthood.
In short you can train a child up and hope they choose Christ on their own but you cannot force a child to choose Christ especially if you forced their choices their whole upbringing.
Proper boundaries in parenting is crucial to creating an emotionally secure and stable adult. When parents abuse or neglect their title it hinders the growth of their children in one way or another. The Lord does not give us permission to abuse our title and warns us against neglecting our title. Ephesians 6:4 and Proverbs 13:24.
Controlling a child’s choice should only come from a concern of physical safety or healthcare. Controlling choices that should rightfully be considered a child’s free will hinders brain development and emotional health. God doesn’t control our free will and we should model and teach our children how to exercise free will properly.
On another note a “Threat” is made out of wrath as a reactive emotionally driven force to manipulate and/or punish in retribution and can be irrational or unequally yoked with the provoking action.
A “consequence” is an appropriate response or logical natural reaction to the action taken. Without an emotional response leading.
At 24:15...I think he may be referring to children being able to pick up on parents' manipulative tactics not being rooted in godly fear but rather being used as a form of control to produce OUR own intended or preferred outcomes.
I watched this video a couple weeks ago and then in my quiet time this morning read something that might direct us more clearly to what Paul Tripp was saying. Ezekiel 14:12-22
Also Tripp is coming from a Calvinist standpoint - we can do all we can to teach, correct, rebuke, etc. our children but unless a child has been/becomes regenerated, that child can demonstrate outward “change” (obedience/respect/discipline) without having a true heart change (wanting to please God out of love for Him). It’s in that sense, if you adhere to Calvinism, that we are ultimately powerless.
If my understanding is correct - it goes to show how our understanding of soteriology truly does affect every aspect of how we would evangelize, discipline, etc.
If you have his book called "parenting", the different words he uses help make more sense. Power seems to imply the "ability to deliver". We do the work but God makes the change. Merry Christmas sister!
“God has granted you authority for the work of change but has granted you no power to make the change”
I think he is saying that God is the only one who has the power to actually make the change. The parent has the authority to plant the seeds and guide the child in the right direction, but whether change actually happens is up to God.
I don’t know that I would describe what is outlined (or patterned) biblically as a threat but more of a consequence…the word threat implies abuse while consequence is more of a natural consequence and I would go as far to say that in some instances a natural consequence could very well be punishment
I think “authority without power…” possible means you have the control to instruct & model, but no control over the impact or effectiveness of what you do or how the children absorb what you do (i.e various factors may play a part, different levels of development). Similar to some points you’ve made previously.
I would also add that I love your question of “now what are the practicals to do” in order to change?
Perhaps, focus on right/bible based instructions and not the outcomes
I look forward to your next video every week!
I was also, in this chapter, looking for more info on what a parent could do as well.
6:39 I feel you
OK Bindi. I wasn't trying to contradict scripture. I had difficulty in certain areas and was a very sensitive child which was taken for wilful disobedience. I believe my parents over disciplined me. I was very glad I had some discipline but it wasn't that easy for me. For instance, I couldn't concentrate or focus. I REALLY DID want my parents to be proud of me. They just weren't. And now the church is also misunderstanding me and attributing things that I don't intend. Like they don't understand my sense of humour. Or that I don't find it easy to make friends or connections. They don't believe me. They even walk off when I try to speak to them sometimes so I don't know what to say or when to say it without being punished. Like why do I always interrupt but others pretend they don't interrupt me.? I have been heartbroken by church hurt because the rules remind me of my parents and trigger me. Hurt is not irresponsibility because if you don't understand that you are not OK in others eyes, what can I do? I have felt so oppressed in church that I haven't contributed at all to be on the safe side. Behaviour modifications makes me shiver, sounding like A B A. with all the resulting stress and shame. I'm talking more social stuff here rather than outright disobedience. . Internally is where the work is most important. I feel very afraid and alone and quite bound as I fear failure terribly. I think mercy needs to temper this a little. Like you say, God's word cannot be watered down. I understand some of the points of the book, particularly on the manipulation point. I was really seeking God as well and was a loving child that always confessed my failures to my own detriment, trying desperately to do better. I've even had breakdowns because of burnout and always missing my targets. Am I evil?
At the 15:36. I would push even further on point of fear. I think it’s necessary for your child to have a fear of you (the parent) in order to teach the fear of God. I don’t think that fear has to look like terror but honor and respect. For example, if I tell my 3 y/o to stop doing a thing and he say no to me because he has no fear/respect/ honor then what do I say? God is going to punish you? So then I teach angry God. I’m not sure what it looks like practically for a child not fear their parents but maybe I’m not using fear the same way?
At around 9:25, I interpreted what he was saying as rules of our own making, not God’s Law. In other words, excessive or extra rules we make to control our children.
Is he suggesting you can do the thing but you can’t force the outcome?
What camera are you using Bindi?
“Authority but no power” I think he means you have the authority to set boundaries, but not the power to create the change from within your child’s heart. if they ought to change, it has to be their decision/desire to do so. I admit it is kind of confusing because this concept really seems like it applies to children above the age or reason and particularly adult children. I do not understand this concept as it applies to young children because how do you deal with misbehaving young children then? I’m hoping that, like you said, it will have an answer to this at the end of the book.
Read Dr. Ray Garendi he's a straight forward Catholic psychaitrist.
Here from Melody Alisa's Channel 💕#Newsubscriber😃
What you’re describing is my exact issue with all the political/social commentary video essayists. All they do is criticize different parts of society with no solutions to offer and to me that just sounds like complaining.
As it pertains to biblical consequences as the author referred to as “threats.” Acknowledging the life of Jesus without referencing Jesus cursing the fig tree and warning the disciples about producing fruit is missing the entirety of the message. We even find Jesus “threatening” in the parable of the farmer for warning us of not producing fruit yet again.
“But the gardener protested, 'Sir, we should leave it one more year. Let me fertilize and cultivate it, then let's see if it will produce fruit. If it doesn't bear figs by next year, we'll cut it down.” Luke 13: 8-9
The bible says that the power of man availeth nothing. Tje flesh profiteth nothin. The bible says power beloneth unto God. Perhaos when a parent walks in the spirit with the proper attitudes and Godly tenderness the children are more inclinef to listen and obey rather than a parent who is filled with strife amd motivated by a desire for vain glory. I struggle with being the later. I jave never married or had children of my own but I can see the results of walking in the flesh.
Girl this said like the devil book !!!! 🤷🏾♂️
One of the most quoted verses about parenting is found in Proverbs 22:6, “Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it”🙏🏿