The hidden power of siblings: Jeff Kluger at TEDxAsheville
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- Опубликовано: 31 май 2024
- Jeffrey Kluger is senior editor of TIME Magazine's science and technology reporting. He has written or co-written more than 35 cover stories for TIME and regularly contributes articles and commentary on science and health stories. Kluger is also co-author, with astronaut Jim Lovell, of Lost Moon: The Perilous Voyage of Apollo 13, which was the basis of the Apollo 13 movie released in 1995. His other books include, Splendid Solution, published in 2006, which tells the story of Jonas Salk and the polio vaccine. He is also the author of the 2008 Hyperion release Simplexity: Why Simple Things Become Complex (and Why Complex Things Can Be Made Simple), the young adult novel Freedom Stone, and the newly released The Sibling Effect. Before joining TIME, Kluger was a staff writer for Discover magazine, where he wrote the "Light Elements" humor column, and he was also an editor for the New York Times Business World Magazine, Family Circle and Science Digest. Kluger, who is also an attorney, has taught science journalism at New York University.
In the spirit of ideas worth spreading, TEDx is a program of local, self-organized events that bring people together to share a TED-like experience. At a TEDx event, TEDTalks video and live speakers combine to spark deep discussion and connection in a small group. These local, self-organized events are branded TEDx, where x = independently organized TED event. The TED Conference provides general guidance for the TEDx program, but individual TEDx events are self-organized.* (*Subject to certain rules and regulations)
I hah an older sibling who was dangerously mentally ill, so I spent the first ten years of my life running for my life. I was stabbed before the age of four, but I grew up knowing this person was sick. Now, at 85, my memories are dominated by compassion. All of us humans are siblings. God grant us compassion for the sick among us.
I had a mental illness caused by shocking parental abuse and my only sibling has been incredibly unsympathetic all my life
Amen 🙏🏻
Would love to hear him talk about the bond of siblings who grow up in abusive households because that’s a whole other level of diehard love. If my siblings didn’t exist, I wouldn’t exist. I wouldn’t have had the strength to want to live through it. All we had was each other and now, as adults, that bond is unbreakable.
When my nephew was four, he had enough of being bullied, even at school. He went straight up to report to his longtime nemesis--his ten year old older sister--who in turn, instilled fear onto the bullies. Apparently, she declared that only she had the right to bully her younger brother. Siblings.
YES! Gangs of kids would try to attack my sister because she was obviously mentally sick. I got in front of her and TOOK THEM ON! I loved fighting gangs because you can’t lose! You are a hero no matter what happens to you because you are outnumbered! I was sent to the principal who said “why do you fight for her? She’s not worth it”. I am still in shock 75 years later!!!
A few years ago an (about) 11-year-old boy came to my door and asked for help because his sister was beating him. She was 17 years old and their mother was at work. I asked the boy could he call the mom and tell her and he said mom wouldn’t do anything about it and he wasn’t allowed to have a phone. My husband didn’t want me to get involved, but I reported this to the child abuse hotline.
About a year later, I saw the boy he came up to me as I was driving by and waved to stop me ,and he said ,”thank you”. Made me feel satisfied that I did the right thing.
@@lavenderhearts101 I am awed by your ability to get involved . This is our present human challenge. You encourage me. Thank you.
"The sibling bond can be a thing of abiding in love. Our parents leave us too early, our spouse and our children come along too late. Our siblings are the only ones who with us for the entire ride." Thank you for the affirmations and informations Mr. Kluger.
time stamp?
@@calebfontanez6508 2:42
why did this make me cry 😭
You are one of the very lucky ones. Other people are by no means as lucky as you with your abundance of riches.
Very well said
Unfortunately, I Know people who tried so hard to reconnect with their siblings after the breakdown, of the relationship But, their sibling or siblings didn't want anything to do with them. Some people have siblings they haven't spoken to in many years Sad. But true
I can say wholeheartedly that I miss the discussions I used to have with my younger brother (14 months apart). I still have days where I cry because I miss his presence even after 33+ years.
I miss the whole family. especially when we had gathered and chatted about our experience.
Unfortunately it's a sad fact that some siblings don't get on. Some siblings are so different to each other they are more like strangers. I have one sibling who is a self centered narcissist and for my own well being I have to keep away from her.
I can relate to this..
So true
Same here. Way to dangerous.
I too can relate to this. Marriage seemed to change both my siblings. They became very self centered and almost like strangers. Their wives were also the same.
I’m in the same boat. It is so toxic.
This is beautiful when the bond is non toxic. Putting out this statement should also come with the note that some sibling bonds do not/cannot work and that this should not make one feel hindered in some way.
I guess that you didn't listen to this to the end, because he states that some sibling relationships cannot be salvaged and that they should be "let go for the sanity" of all involved.
More sibling relationships are toxic than any of us fully realize.
So true, especially if the sibling is narcissistic...
Yes..Cain and Abel.
I come from a large family of seven children. I really appreciate this conversation and the talk, however, I would say when you can’t trust a sibling, and you know they’re going to hurt you, let go of that relationship. I unfortunately have a sibling who brings me only harm. I will not be attempting to rebuild a relationship with her.
I tuned in to this talk to see if I could find some comfort or healing for the broken relationships I have with my brothers. I didn't. It is a sad point in my life that there is so much misunderstanding and no way to talk it through. But I did try to raise my kids in a way that they would remain close throughout their lives. So far so good.
Then you have a benefit of siblings. The benefits of raising your children differently and helping them develop closeness.
Bless your brothers. Send them love and gratitude and appreciate the betterment of your children’s lives.
@@mymia731 Yes, Maria, I do bless them, thank you.
I’m going through the same thing. 3 brothers. One with a chip on his shoulder and a wife who likes to stir the pot and my oldest brother who married a woman who hated me from get go. I don’t understand why my oldest brother didn’t stand up for me when She was the aggressor and my youngest brother just doesn’t want to get involved.
True friends are more important now than ever.
@@dawnavandernoot2869 I'm sorry for the pain you're feeling. Yes to friends who become adopted family! One way I try to see it is that I have an opportunity to grow. I keep practicing forgiveness as best I can. I don't know if it will be helpful for you but just in case: self forgiveness is huge as well. Often we beat ourselves up for not knowing what else to do, or not being able to change things. I hope we both can find peace within.
Good job!
I am so blessed to have my 5 siblings. At ages 30-48 we 6 kids love to spend time together. They are some of my very closest friends.
I’m the youngest of 5, my parents had a girl and 3 boys and then adopted me at 3 mos when my mom had to have a hysterectomy. We’re ages 57-64 yrs old. My 3 brothers used to do a lot together and when I was in high school we used to have killer parties in our house with a live band and a keg. My brothers never minded me bringing my girlfriends around. Lol 😂 once we got married, we didn’t hang out as much! My sister and I got close when we both got pregnant, it was her last pregnancy and my first. She was the oldest snd I was the youngest. We became much closer and are still pretty close to this day.
Why are you blessed but others aren’t? You think God favors you over other people who don’t have a close family?
Maybe you’re just lucky.
@@teresasellsatl you may be thinking too much into it, I believe she’s saying she feels blessed for having 5 siblings to grow up with and they were very close, like friends! I’m sure everyone has felt blessed at least once in their life! I can’t imagine a person’s life never being good or having some special moments in it!!
I do think you perceived it wrong. She’s not saying that she’s the only one blessed, she feels blessed and anyone can having feelings for anything they’d like!! I certainly hope I cleared that up for you, so there’s no drama! Have a BEAUTIFUL DAY!!!✨☀️🌈🌥✨
@@gardengoddess1283 While, it's unlikely she she means ill intent and just probably means she is grateful, the problem many people have with that word is that it implies divine favoritism. The very meaning of the word is:
divinely or supremely favored.
It ignores the struggles of those who are not "blessed" with those things. Saying you are blessed is NOT the same as you are grateful.
So Garden Goddess, oh enlightened ray of passive aggressive sunshine, I hope I cleared that up for you. Hahaha. Garden Goddess. Would you like to discuss spiritual narcissism next?
@@teresasellsatl nope, I’m good! Just writing what I was feeling, just being honest, not saying I’m right or wrong!
I lost my only brother three years ago suddenly, and I can attest that without him, regardless of how much we argued, life has become half-empty rather than half-full. So many inside jokes and stuff only he and I knew and shared over 44 years evaporated into thin air without warning. As his younger brother, I am today 44 we were just 2.5 years apart. I I feel what Jeff said about the Kennedy brother to be true. In many ways I not only am prepared to die sooner than later, and I have come to expect it to happen in a similar way. It somehow feels "right" that I should go out like he did... perhaps similar to the way one soldier might run out into the battlefield prepared to die after watching his best mates fall in front of him. I realize now without him I would have been a completely different person, and that when we were alive all we saw were our differences, we seemed like polar opposites, yet now that he's gone i realize there is nobody on earth who is anything like me, that even comes close to sharing traits. Like a mirror image he was the opposite, but no different. Half of me went out that day with him for sure and growing older alone has become an extremely dark tunnel ahead I no longer look forward to and try desperately not to envision. I planned for many things and was prepared to handle pretty much all the punches life has to offer, but losing my brother Stew at 44 was beyond imaginable. It just never seemed possible. I had never considered it even as a remote possibility. To think my older big bro was younger than myself today at his oldest defies natural logic. This truly destroyed my family in so many ways, i can only thank god I had spent 10 month on my brother's couch a few years before he died so we had a chance for a few more fights and many more laughs before it was all over. RIP big bro.;
N Silver My sincere condolences, I can't imagine how hard this must be for you.
I have one sibling, a sister who is three years younger then me (she's 31 now), and I can't imagine a life without her. I recognise the things you wrote about the inside jokes all too well: it's the best and the worst times of life you've shared together, no one will ever be able to take their place, not even a partner. As Mr. Kluger pointed out correctly that partner come into your life too late: they didn't know what life was like growing up for you; your siblings do.
I wish you all the strength in the world.
Your comment touched me even though its been 2 years old. In so many similar ways. I, too, just lost my older brother last December. He was only 29, just 22 days shy of his 30th birthday. I couldn't agree with you more. How all the inside jokes we had were gone, just vanished. A piece of my heart ripped out from inside of me, it can never be repaired again. Life is changed from now on. It's like I'm learning how to walk through this newly altered life again and right now I'm barely crawling... I'm blessed to have a younger sister and a younger brother left with me. Just live for your brother. He will want you to.
N Silver ❤️
Cars have seatbelts. Bikes have helmits.
Feet have shoes. Humans have faith & trust in the Creator's presence & master plan. The Divine Creator is as close as you can bear, if not the only & deepest reality that exists. Celebrate the self disclosure of God through people & thyself. We are born to die, with some awakening & enduring memories to reconnect with in the everlasting hereafter. It's all been laid out.
Thanks, man. That hit me.
My mom says that siblings are the part of your parents body that lives on even after your parents death. Therefore looking after your siblings is equal to being grateful for what the parents did for you. That's very true.
wow, how this is true, you both or all come from the same material
well, since my parents tried to kill us all , they did manage to kill our self-esteem and change the wiring of our brains as we tried to develop in a war zone. So I ran at 16 and that freed me until Trump got elected - i want to run again. I'm good not allowing abuse. I work on compassion for the resentment I have always felt for those and there are many who have imperfect families (that's a given) but families none the less that do not cut each other off completely with a blame game. It's really sad. I don't think our "culture" creates the conditions for close families that are healthy
Reading this made me tear up a little, I think that’s a beautiful saying
My siblings and I wrote a book, ourselves, called 9 Voices. Each chapter was written without discussion among us and covers years up to 18. Interesting.
That sounds fantastic
That’s fantastic
That is a really cool idea
nice idea, hope I to write n read each other's prospective which we felt differently n become much closer.
I would love to read that!
His voice is kinda relaxing
Wonderful talk. I have a very dysfunctional family. I’m the eldest of 3 children. My sister has type 1 bipolar and my brother has moderate autism. My father has always given my sister special treatment and shunned me over trivial things. I’m the scapegoat and he always tries to pit my sister against me. I love her a lot and I wish he wouldn’t make it so hard for me to have a relationship with her. I won’t give up though and I know one day we’ll be close.
Your dad isn’t making it difficult anymore… u are. Ur grown . This comment is yrs old. I pray u and sis are cool now.
@@dejanee07 you clearly don't have the foggiest notion of how narcissistic parenting works.... or maybe you do....you certainly don't seem to want to be a comfort to this person.
You also have no way of knowing how old these siblings are. Your comment is at best unhelpful, and at worst, intentionally cruel.
My brothers added to the stress of caring for our parents offering no help or even verbal support. This added to my stress/ cortisol levels and lead to major health problems. So much for my minister oldest brother or my also entitled younger brother.
My brother Jay died this May aged 29. I just turned 29 and I miss him lots. Siblings are so easy to take for granted, if you’re read this and it applies to you - go hang out with your siblings.
Will do.
Will do.
Proverbs 17:17
"A friend loves at all times, and a brother (sibling) is born for adversity."
This seems SO true. I can tell my brother anything. He may get mad or disagree, but he always loves me and I him. He was my dearest, sweetest friend growing up. I love him always with all of my heart. He has suffered through brain cancer, and I through a rare form of cancer. I had the privilege of helping him when he broke his ankle in a biking accident. We laughed so hard together and just talked the days away. He loved my cooking and said so with truth and enthusiasm in his voice. I will always cherish this time with him. I have recently been surprised that he doesn't even remember it... but that's okay... A part of him is missing, but he's not gone... I just have to swallow the bitter pill that he won't remember the times we have since the brain cancer hit him 14 years ago. But he is always my brother when we are together and we still laugh together over the phone and love each other dearly! He has always been able to handle my adversity with the greatest of compassion, yet doesn't get stuck on it and brings his adorable sense of humor smack on the table! I just love him and wish everyone had a brother like him!
Wishing you all God's best and sweetest blessings everyone. Thanking God for sweet siblings! Thank you so much Jeffrey Kluger for this insight and heart of gratefulness for siblings! I needed to hear the words to help me recognize what a gift I have in my brother! I took him so for granted! God forgive me!
And thank you to those dear ones who have lost their brothers and shared how that changed their lives and left such a big hole. I am so sorry for your deep and painful loss... Thank you for reminding me not to take my dear sibling for granted. Wishing Extra special blessings for you....
DiscRd
No
Discard
For whoever does the will of My Father who is in heaven is My brother and sister and mother.” Matthew 12:50
Thank you! You are unbelievingly sweet! If only all humans were like you!🙂
I love my siblings. I owe our bond to my parents, who set the tone for our relationships, by not having favourites, and NEVER colluding with one against the other.
Sure, we fight, especially when we were young, and we don’t always see eye-to-eye but, we always want to make it right for each other. We don’t live in each other’s pockets and yet, when push-comes-to-shove we can count on each other 🙂💚 I am truely blessed.
So well put!
That’s awesome you were all raised good
My 2 younger brothers died in their early 40s. When my mother died in 2020, and since then, I've had the experience of not being able to say "you remember when...?" There's no one left to remember with me, or validate experiences.
Robbed.
My brother was my first friend and my lifelong friend. The person with whom I shared a history of a wonderful childhood, parents and life. We were close always, even into adulthood. He passed away unexpectedly. He developed a clot in his leg while wearing a leg cast. The clot went to his lung. Pulmonary Embolism. I rushed to the ER and was told he was gone. It was the worst day of my life. I am no longer the person I was. I can’t explain it. I go on because my brother would never want me to be stuck in this grief.
I am truly sorry for your loss❤️
I have lost two brothers in recent years and I miss them so much.
I'm so sorry about your brother.
I listened to this bravely to attempt a form of self-healing. Since my mother’s death 5 years ago, we are completely estranged. I know part of my past is missing without their perspective on our shared lives.Our parents are dead and as well as two brothers of the six of us. I know it’s not normal but it takes two to make a relationship. With each death, came further apart. Realize now that family doesn’t have to love you. I am a first born daughter and was determined my two children never felt marginalized by me.
Can I relate or what? Yes, I can. I've had to accept that it is what it is. I can't change the filters they look through.
My 3 sisters don't speak to me since our mom's death in 2020 at the age of 91. Now I realise it was only her presence that kept us sort of communicating. It's not what both our mom or dad (also deceased) would've wanted I imagine, though there were power struggles when they were alive . I was always the outsider, out of 4 girls, scapgoated. It is what it is. This video breaks my heart, I miss the connection, but not the abuse.
@@llyradcynth691 "I miss the connection, but not the abuse." That's exactly where I am. I take only small comfort in knowing that there are more estranged siblings than I had originally thought.
Ditto
@@llyradcynth691 I don't speak with my sisters because I got tired of the constant gaslighting. I tried for years to make it work, always making excuses for their bad behavior. They are like the popular girls in a stereotypical teenage movie. They needed someone to pick on to amuse themselves. It was one set of rules for them, and another for me. I often wonder if one of the three has shifted into my scapegoat role now that I am gone, or if they have scapegoated one of their kids.
I miss my older brother, older sister, and younger(!) sister far more than I miss our parents. Once we were well into adulthood (we were spread out, which may've made good interrelationships easier: my brother was about 17 years older than my younger sister) we were the best of friends. I owe all three more than I could ever possibly repay.
Such a nice comment Richard.
I don’t like how this psychologist said she would hold her older sister’s hand. I didn’t have an older sister or brother. My life was insecure with my dad’s screaming. I don’t like my dead psychologist. When you say Vincent Van Gogh, she asked if he was schizophrenic? I wish that I said he was human and humble. And Gandhi wasn’t so great because he didn’t like Ashkenazie Jewish people and children. Check out your history.
Interesting.....I never felt close to my parents and this is replicated in my relationship with my older brother, who is just like my parents . Now my parents have both passed, my brother was surprised to hear that I felt unloved, neglected and second best, and refused to accept that was my reality because that wasn’t his perception. We spoke of childhood incidents which i felt illustrated my point of view and he spoke of very similar incidents which illustrated his. As the incidents themselves were almost identical we came to the conclusion that our very different characters were directly influencing our perceptions of our treatment; my brother felt trusted and empowered by my parents behaviours whereas I felt ignored and unsupported. So in conclusion maybe you can only gain support from your siblings if you’re similar personality types, otherwise its just a painful reminder of your unhappy childhood?
😢❤😊
The differences could be very subtle. For example, if your brother came running home to show off a good grade from school, Mom probably stopped what she was doing, looked right at him, and said how wonderful. When you came home with the good grade, Mom may have slowed down what she was doing, tilted her head to show she was listening, and then said how wonderful.
I have the best brother and sister anyone could ever have. I am blessed.
For all of you who dont have loving relationships with their siblings, just remember...you cant pick your family, just your friends. Sometimes its better to not have a history with them.
Well said , thanks
These examples of bad family relations are basically just saying that blood relations mean nothing and those who were in your life at the start are irrelevant as soon as you become of age. That’s how society perceives it and it’s sad and infuriating. Is it so hard for people to be nice?
@@SpyXynt No one said that blood relations don't matter. But if you have a toxic relationship, and they are cruel or not healthy for you, then to dismiss them is warranted.
As a middle child, I laughed at his “flyover states” comment. 😆
I had a slightly more complicated relationship with my siblings, because my younger sister was sick and my older sister and I were “glass children”, with all of our mom’s attention being on her sick child.
As a result, I was not close to my younger sister, even though I was her caregiver after the death of our parents until she too passed at the young age of 35. But my bond with my older sister is incredibly strong as a result.
It's good to hear there are those kind of relationships. I don't have one of them. And very little exists about that subject. Because the destructive power of a sibling, siblings...the mob mentality, tribalism, can be more devastating than the parental abuse.
I am so sorry for the abuse in your home from which you suffered-and still suffer. May you find comfort in making memories with newer family & friends. I find prayer, meditation, & service to others enjoyable, cathartic, & helpful.
Abuse from 1 NARCISISTIC BRO: I am done.. heneeds HELP
In a family of 5 kids , being the surprise last kid was a blessing and a curse. My nephew and niece are my age. I was not raised by my parents. Luckily my sisters and oldest brother were the parents I needed and was showered with attention and love from them. I thank God for my siblings, literally every day of my life. Especially my sister Debbie, definitely my guardian Angel. Siblings are saviors. Fantastic Talk. Really hit home. Honestly made my morning. Thank you.
That means so much, thank you baby. I will always be there for you. I love you with all of my heart. D. ❤
siblings can be your worst enemies......
maybe. but they can also be your best friends.
In childhood that can be true , but sometimes when the outside world presents itself as threatening to you all . . . they soften up .
only if you stir the strife
Understand the duality and create the best from.
Facts mine is... she got true genuine enjoyment and pleasure out or emotional, mentally physically tormenting me for YEARS! I have spoken to her or seen her in 6 years and I am only 23. Sibiling abuse is real!
I would never want to go through life without mine they have been every source of joy in life. I’m the middle child and man what a privilege.
Middle child unite
Must have had competent parents.
In my family, I’m the oldest girl, then my brother, then my sister. We have three years apart. I had to grow up fast to take care of my siblings. My brother is very smart and being the only boy was treated like a God by my mother. He got the best steak etc. my sister got away with all the craziness but at the same time parents didn’t approve . Us girls always had to fight for attention, not much was expected of us because we were girls and to this day I bet if you asked my mother who has dementia “ who is your favorite” she would say her son, even though the girls had to deal with her “stuff”. 🤨😞😭😱🤷♀️🤦♀️
You’re not alone.
So truth I am the second dauther my brother is the firstborn the god of my mother my younger sister and I we are not imported we are the Cinderella
I left home at 16 , commando crawled out of a war zone, and am estranged from my family. Out of 6, one son married "well" into a wealthy family. My mother gives all of her attention to him so that he will take care of her. The golden child. Such sadness created in a patriarchy
Hi, Sis! (Not really, our mom died of a stroke 20+ years ago, but you just described our family!)
I love this TED talk. My only family is my 3 Bros and Youngest Sis. I don't have any other family past this so an analysis might say that I am over compensating but the truth is I adore all 4 of them and I feel very fortunate that I have them.
Glad you had that unity with your siblings but I had nothing of the sort. My sister wasn't even remotely close to me. We didn't conspire together or laugh together and he only wish was to be away from me. We have't talked in 8 years and I don't miss her in the least. There's nothing to miss. There was never anything there.
fantastic-very enjoyable to listen to. I am one of six kids and I am so thankful for them at age 65
You must have been the oldest , the favored or close to it. Those people always think
The family relations were peachy.
@@matt3024 "those" people??? I think all of my six siblings value our relationships and closeness. Sometimes over the decades things are not "peachy" between two or more, but they are worked out and we gain new understanding and move on....... My parents did not have a favorite, though they were closer more somethings that related to personalities and interests than with others.
My four sisters and two brothers are my best friends in the world. I'm the 5th child, close with all my siblings, even though we don't all live in the same state anymore. Can't imagine life without them.
What a marvellous orator, I could listen to him all day 😊
Wow. First thing I did after watching this video is speaking to my sister. Though we don't get along all the time, it was a nice chat. I think if you want to be a better sister/brother you have to listen, don't just hear, Listen. and show that you care. Talk about their positives more than their negatives. after all you probably know him/her more that anyone else. and you probably have the power to make him/her a better or worse person.
Great comment!
Although I'm an only child, I have to agree with Kluger's point that siblings should cherish their relationship. I know too many people who break such ties, which may be necessary, but they have someone in life I will never have.
Yeah. Some of these people are toxic! And U have to distant yourself for your own betterment. Single children can have fmly in the people around u. Sometimes these people are there for you better than blood.
Blessed are you if you have loving siblings. My siblings always wanted to change me...especially my eldest sister. She would always put me down and especially behind my back. It took me many years to understand that she has always been envious of me and mostly due to the fact that my parents made the mistake of spoiling me until I turned 10 years old. Today I am grateful to be far away from her very toxic and abusive attitude towards me.
I'm the eldest son out of four siblings. luckily, what he had said in this video is mostly true for my family as well. win for 3 point advantage on IQ and a greater win for having many siblings.
i love my family
Not surprising sincethe oldest sibling is usually the one with ultimate control and usually gets spoiled. Never surprising that that sibling usually thinks family was Paradise.
I think that relationship between siblings is very important and it is necessary to build it or rebuild it.
Great talk!! But guess what, if you were hit as a child for any reason, especially out of anger, you were not only physically battered but emotionally battered as well!!!
When parents and grandparents begin to die, siblings are invaluable in sharing the emotional burden of mourning and costs. They are the living record. I'm so sad for my son who is the only child.
If you have a only child, it’s your responsibility to connect with siblings if they are civil so the cousins bond and create a sibling role if something happens to you.
I have exactly the same sentiments. I feel so sad my son will be on his own to mourn on his own and carry the burden on his own. I cannot have more children but am so sad I could not give the gift of a sibling to my wonderful son. I'm very active in organising play dates with his cousin his own age but they have siblings and they aren't as motivated so he sees his cousin maybe once a month or once every two months..this will never and can never be a relationship like a play buddy he lives with. We do have a very strong connection with our son though and I wonder if it were the four of us instead of the three of us,we wouldn't be as close. We find that we have to be our sons friend, sibling and parents. But we won't be here forever for him and that weighs greatly on me. I can only hope he creates a loving family of his own to support him.
@@kinzelurban please tell him the family history because he doesn't have siblings to help remember the details. Write them down too so there is a record. My second sister tells me all the time about things that happened in the family that i don't remember. I am the youngest and only son. My parents traveled while my kids were growing up and my historian mother died young so my kids don't know about my side of the family. I was away in the military when my mother died so the communication with the cousins stopped then too.
I have 5 sisters. I used to say to my 2 daughters that with that many sisters, you get to choose your favourite ( and change that choice wherever), but to this day I love them, sometimes need them and have relied on them in times of trouble. They are my favourite people and now that we are all in our sixties and seventies I love them even more- the kids are grown up, I am divorced and our parents are gone. I still have all of them and I so grateful ❤.
So much of what he said made a lot of sense.
I’m the youngest of 4. My Mother favored my brother who was the oldest and my Father favored me as I am the baby girl.
I grew up not really understanding the value of the relationships with my siblings…..to me they were an annoyance more than anything, until they all passed away within just a few years of each other.
I felt the full weight of their losses when my oldest brother passed away very unexpectedly. Until then, having that one sibling still alive meant I wasn’t completely alone. Once he died, the entirety came crashing in on me and I instantly felt like an orphan.
My Parents were still living when they all passed, and my Mother just passed away in May. It’s now just my Father and me, and all of the grandchildren whom we rarely see because the continuum of family wasn’t ever instilled into them by their parents. They were raised as many are today to be selfish and that family was something you only needed to visit once a year.
I always thought that I would have help In caring for my elderly parents, but I don’t. It’s been very difficult being the last surviving child, and I’m 54. I knew that in probably 20 years, I’d lose them, but not so young.
Then it got me thinking about my own child. He’s an only child in that I was only ever able to have one despite years of empty attempts. I realized that this must be what it feels like for him his entire life. He and I spoke about it, and he said, “No, I don’t think it’s the same because you have the knowledge of what it feels like to have a sibling. I never have. It’s hard to miss something that you never had really. It’s like a language that you don’t speak.”.
I do think though that instinctually we DO have that draw for siblings. I have seen it in my son many times where he tries to formulate a friendship that maybe emulates a sibling’s relationship or at least as close to it as he can achieve.
The bottom line is that no matter how much our siblings annoy us…..they DO serve a very important purpose. They are half of us and we are half of them.
The last line of your comment got to me. It’s so true. Thank you for sharing your story. I wish you all the best.
I'm the oldest of 5 daughters - and was both hero and the identifiable patient in. Things are grim in my life now - all my own doing. About all I've done right is to stay sober. It feels worse than bad to fall - but leaving Earth early won't fix anything. Yet thoughts of it are persistent. (Consciousness continues, though, and I've got two animals who'd miss me.)
Anyway, I wish I could go home even tho it's a huge ask. This is probably why the answer was 'no'. Not taking it personally will be one of the greatest gifts I can bring to myself.
This video popped up on my feed at a bizarre time. Some coincidences are worth noting.
Take care, everyone.
your start put me off - have 2 beautiful sisters who have bullied me most of my life - i have only just decided that to stop feeling the pain i have to forget them entirely - after trying to help mum and dad (now passed) - mum had alzheimers - they turned on me again and it gave me pain again - no more will i try until they come to their senses - i won't hold my breath
1 in five children are apparently abused by family members. Brothers are not always innocent protectors of their little sisters. I thank God every day that my oldest sister who was 7 years older than me was not a boy. Her abuse was primarily emotional. It ruined my life.
I agree with you. I’m the youngest girl in a family of 17, 10 boys n 7 girls. My eldest sister is the most abusive n the one elder to me three years can accuse me of things I nvr did.
Childhood was sad.
When your own older sister has gone out of her way to get you in trouble with mom, resulting in you being grounded for something you didn't do and for somethings that were an accident and sometimes being beaten and you never explained why you are being punished because everyone in the family has learned to suffer alone. then you find it hard to trust your sibling ever again.
I can feel and relate to this.
Not every human is healthy. So your sister is maybe at an unhealthy state
That hurt will pass. My older sister and I were enemies, I moved to NY when I was 16 years old, she and the rest of my family moved to USA after 2 years, everything change, now we are in our 40's and our relationship is close.
@@lesliedeleon2192 Just because it got better for you, that doesn't necessarily mean it will get better for someone else. Just a thought... Some things never change.
@@carlaeskelsen you’re correct.
I am one of 4 siblings. The oldest 3 of us are in our 50's, and the youngest in his 40's. We fought like cats and dogs when we were growing up but, for the most part, we have maintained closeness over the years. We have suffered numerous severe tragedies, in the past decade, that have drawn us even closer. It is a rare day we don't all communicate, at the very least, on our group text(which includes our parents). I can not even fathom life without them. Aside from my husband of 37 years, they know me best.
My brother died this year at 49. This is true, make the effort
A primal appreciation for the bond we shared,we were a unit...this thing applies to me and my siblings word to word...no words can match the strong love and attachment that i have for them...messy blessed life
Took the words right out of my mouth.
Great talk👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Me and my sister acknowledge each other’s existence but say maybe one or two words to each other per week, often less. Any discussion tends to be via the conduit of our parents. And I have absolutely no idea how I’m supposed to bring us closer together.
Do things together
Talk to her, ask her what she thinks and feels about what went left with you two.
True-we need to foster sweet relationships with our family relationships: GREAT TRUTH.
This topic is barely in it's infancy; it is far more complex & dynamic than this speaker himself begins to grasp. It is akin to repeating old fashioned news-paper astrology & applying it to your situation without huge complex planetary charts. Silly. Of course a few of us fit into his paradigm, but in real life there are far too many variables involved. Reality is that it is impossible to present any useful help regarding sibling issues in anything less than a huge set of better researched books
Great speech. :)
Well said.
Touching
Good speech! Good! 😊👏🏼👏🏼
This is a very nice sentiment but when you come from a family with one or both narcissistic parents, the siblings are pitted against each other. There is no sibling love or bond.
the speech and the topic are very nice tkanks
Beautiful speech
I should have heard this many years ago....incredibly true...you nailed it with your insightful details
Excellent!
I ❤ my sisters snd brothers dearly and deeply. They are a blessing to me.
Best gift my parents ever gave me ♡
Beautiful impressive life-affirming talk!! Thank you
Very interesting. His point about physical fighting being a feature of large families makes me wonder. Is that an aspect of why there are so many prizefighters of Irish and Italian background Catholic background? Also, military men and women. I have no data, just an impression. That would make an interesting academic thesis.
This was a fine, insightful talk. I will keep making the most of the time I have with my remaining brother. Thank you for these insights. Rose
Siblings can't be replaced they are part of your life forever. Im second to the eldest and I look up to my big sister so much and I love them unconditionally
PHENOMENAL. And so BEAUTIFULLY (and hysterically) put 💯❣️💯
So insightful and splendid!!!
Inspirational.
Abandon for the sake of your sanity …well said.
This is all so true. This guy’s a great speaker too.
I like this guy's sense of humor and use of the language!
Very interesting talk. I am motivated to find out more about the qualities of children in order of their birth and the attitude of parents. Thankyou for this.
Fantastic
Yes they can and are. The worst part is when some siblings won't believe you because they are so used to this treatment, that's all they know. I'm glad I'm getting educated about this now and new laws are in place now that we all can utilize. No move sweeping it under the carpet, like back in the day. I'm putting these Covert Narcissistic sibling on blast now!!! Thank you for the Education!!!
Well, it can all work well, but, when your siblings marry! When those new partners enter the family then the dynamics change and not always in a good way.
Our family was so dysfunctional growing up that I don’t even spend Christmas with my Mum. I don’t want any drama around my daughter. I love my siblings, all of them, but we were not in sync as we were played off against eachother through mind games when we were younger. This unfortunately became ingrained within in us so we would then exclude eachother. I thought we were okay but as soon as we got to mid teens the cracks started appearing and late teens to early 20’s we went our seperate ways. It’s been heartbreaking because I love my brothers and sisters but now the years have passed, history is set in stone and here we are. One of my sisters committed suicide and this hasn’t helped me in relation to bridging the gap with my family.
I find this highly relevant.
I'm an only child.
What did you find relevant?
Jeff & I were Greek Dodge partners in elementary school. Undefeatable. Only time I shone on the school playground thanks to him (&my hula-hoop & dance classes which helped we wiggle well) We both became successful journalists though we haven’t seen each other since Cross Country. Hoping the unexpected discovery of this video will be serendipitous with my only (excruciatingly estranged) sibling and me. Jeffrey-I’m praying we’re as successful a team now as in third grade! Thanks!😉🌿🤞🌿🙏🌿🖖
I believe that as we grow up in a family, we each assume an equal percentage of expected input and conversation and that we carry these percentages into adulthood. So that if you are an only child, you may become aggravated at having to share so much time with other students, perhaps, or coworkers, and conversely if you are one of a large family, it becomes difficult to assume 50% of the input in a personal relationship.
If my sister and I were eagles, eaglets, she'd gleefully and secretly push me out of the nest causing me to fall to my death. Afterward, that is, after she was positive I was indeed dead, she'd cry with parent eagles, and tell them how much she loves me and misses me!
But hey, it's a good TedTalk anyway.
There is a time to give up trying with some siblings. Some relationships bring only jealousy and disfunction.
Yes, sometimes you have to think of your own well-being, esp when they’re making you ill.
GREAT TED
This talk made me cry my eyes out 3 times
What exactly made you cry
I find Mr. Kluger extremely engaging, with clarity, focuses, awareness and a complete awake Soul on this earthly journey. I would have a million questions to ask. I am one of those first-born siblings with an insatiable appetite for learning. Very unlike my brother or sister. In fact, very unlike anyone close to me. I learned through a Spiritual mentor that the sky is indeed the limit and beyond. I continued to write and document life findings and became a Doctor of Spiritual Science and Psychology. I have talents ranging from singing with an unknown ability to perceive the next note of songs I've never heard. I am a very good photographer and writer. My engaging interest is behavioral science. I have many documentations. I pray to me this beautiful Soul before passing form this plane of existence. Bless you Mr. Kluger.
No matter how similar you are to someone, your experience is still different and as we get older we will find our experience to be more unique. When young we had very similar experiences to our siblings and it may be the closest we have ever been to companionship but we where still alone in our experience.
Existentially we are and will always be alone. Let's accept this rather than cling onto our siblings.
Mankind was never meant to be isolated islands. We all need each other , whether blood relative or not. Having said that, bloodlines matter.
i love my 4 siblings so much
My brother taught third graders for many years. He told me that his students spent the majority of their time on the playground arguing about rules for whatever game they were playing. The idea of "Fair" play varied day by day.
The 4 of us were told figure it out and don’t go telling on each. We got punished if our parents saw it happen. They loved and encouraged each of us to do what we wanted no matter the different ways we went. They saw us as individuals and so I think that is why we see ourselves today that way. We love each other and care for each other foremost. Just where we are in our - &+ 70’s. Any anger is long gone and the instant the idea is noted we laugh at at silly we were. Because it isn’t what matters, but our Siblings do matter.
My older and only brother WAS Mothers favorite…and I, as the last of three girls, WAS the easier to relate to vs favorite so much, of my Fathers! There was a bond for awhile, but once we became adults and entered the healing hearts from growing up in a toxic family…sadly my elders didn’t do their work to completion, and wanted me to fall in line. I couldn’t give up on healing, and now I bring healing to hearts in my work! I made lemon aide!
I always knew since childhood that having siblings, is in general a blessing. But, unfortunately for me, I’m a only child. So, I’ll never really know what it’s like to have brothers and sisters, with the special bond that comes with them.
I’ll try my best to create the family I wish I had, wish a loving husband and many children that I hope will grow up and get along with each other.
Awesome! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼💝
Although we siblings didnt have much in common, we came together to nurse our dying father As soon as he died we all separated again and went our own ways We had nothing in common except blood and I, from past exoerience had no real trust around either. Favouratism from mothers towards children eventually comes to those who make the the most effort to keep contact with them over the years.This shows theyre more likely to value the parent by reaching out to them and spending more time with them.