Don’t send the avoidant ex that text or letter!
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- Опубликовано: 2 июл 2024
- #nocontact #nocontactrule #discard #dismissiveavoidant #discarded #divorce #fearfulavoidant #avoidant #avoidantattachment #dating #relationship #attachment #breakup #emotionallyunavailable #relationshipcoach #situationship #insecureattachment #heartbroken
My dignity and respect for myself is what makes me want to confront her and hold her accountable …
Not to beg her back
@walkertranger5746 unsolicited friendly advice. Before you have a conversation with her, come to peace with never having any more closure than you had yesterday. It's not that she'll defend her actions (or lack thereof) and dodge accountability -- it's that she genuinely doesn't see the problem. It'd be like if you came home 12 minutes late from work and she freaked out, and you were like, "it's 12 freaking minutes." That's legit how she sees it.
You won't get an "I apologize for XYZ." The best you'll get is a "that shouldn't have made you feel that way -- you took that way more personal than any rational human would, and that's a You problem not a Me problem -- next?"
Pro tip: ask her what she wants. Leave it open ended. Don't ask it as a yes or no question or ask her to agree with something specific or to put context around something specific. Ask her what she wants, full stop, give her a complete blank slate. My guess is that the silence will be deafening. ☹️
@@bdtrapbeautiful and true
After being discarded and ghosted, I made sure that I couldn't text him by deleting his contact info and our texting history from my phone. It was liberating to do that. I still struggle with the fact that I'll never get closure from him, but I decided that not hearing from him ever again is better. Healing from this discard has been painful and slow, and I still think of him regularly, but my thoughts are more along the lines of telling myself to not ignore the red flags and my intuition if I see this behavior in my next potential partner.
6 years in a relationship, 30 days of NC and I'm still strong. He's right, don't do it
You'll just be disappointed. Made that mistake. Back to no contact
I have done inner work. I no longer desire any contact with my ex FA. It's been a year now since he left for another. NC since then. I now realize it was the best thing for me. I am finally free. Never again!
I need to have this on repeat 24/7 until I’m finally able to move on.
I wrote the letter and then ripped it into tiny pieces. Helped me process what I was thinking and feeling, but my DA ex doesn’t deserve access to my thoughts and feelings anymore. He discarded me like I never mattered
Same😢
You're doing what other coaches won't do Ryan, keeping it real 🎉. Keep up the realness and good work.
All secure and anxious types watch this twice, give the video a like, drop a 💯 and send Ryan's message to the others so it lands on their feed to watch. Group energy...let's avoid these avoidants 💯😏
@@justme9514 I love him, and follow him in all
Platforms. He says things how they are, for who wants to move on he is the best. Every one else just talk about how to get them back
This is perfect timing…our marriage anniversary is next weekend. She walked away from our relationship. I’ve been strong lately and still…this video came at the perfect time. Thank you Ryan!
I don’t think there is anything wrong with sending them a letter if it would make you feel better and there are no expectations. In fact, you can do it while also setting boundaries and wishing them well. There is a way to do it so they know that they can’t just come and go. I think what matters most is the intention behind the communication. It can help one to close the door and feel a weight off of their chest. We shouldn’t have to hold onto what we want to express because of how they may perceive it. We can be ourselves, we no longer have to worry about how they will feel and just do what helps us heal.
Agee and that’s what I did.
And it was more for me than him. For my own closure.
But I had to make sure I was really done before I did it. And that it just wasn’t a tactic on my end.
So true! I’ve been contemplating this letter a lot recently. I think it will help me close the door in a lot of ways but at the same time I need to make sure it’s what I really want bc I feel like once I send it, that’s it and I cannot change my mind.
I feel a lot of ways about a lot of things between her and I but what sucks and hurts the most is that we have already had no contact for 12 years already (we reconnected 2 years ago) and as much as I’m not happy the way things have unfolded between us over the past year, I often ask myself do you really want to go back to the way things used to be like they were for 12 years??
I just don’t know anymore. Some days I feel okay with it, other days I feel like it would be a mistake.
@@marshallfox1786 you can take your time, there is no rush and no need to do anything. I would say, don’t decide anything and just go with the flow and whatever you feel like doing. You can wait until you are sure you want to send it or you don’t have to send anything at all.
From what you are saying, I feel that it’s fear holding you back from expressing yourself. But the truth is that we have to let go of fears and the need to control others and outcomes. Only then are we free to be our authentic selves without fear and truly act from the heart and not the ego.
For me personally, I send whatever I want whenever I feel the urge to. I don’t hold myself back but I also wait til I’m sure. I have doubts at times about how the other person may take what I say but that’s on them. I owe it to myself to live authentically and to express myself without regrets of not saying what I feel. So I do it for me if I want to and without any expectations. And I always feel better afterwards no matter the outcome. It is a peaceful place to be.
Beautifully said! Every relationship is different. I sent a letter after fully accepting that he probably wouldn’t respond, but at least I had acted like the partner I was seeking and I acknowledged this person was important to me regardless of the ending. I’d rather grow my love and self-esteem than try to soothe my ego.
At the end of the day it's better to be honest of how you feel. If they don't respond the way you wanted at least you were true to your own emotions and it gives a certain amount of closure knowing you did everything you could to express yourself and that this person is simply not feeling the same way. Often times what happens too is with these types of people they react coldly at first but then when they have time to think about it they realize how much you meant to them and reach out. In which case it's up to you to take them back or not.
Yes. This is a mantra I gave myself when expressing how I felt: “If what I say and do will work, then we are the right people for each other.
And if it doesn’t, then we’re the right people for other people.” 🥲
It hurt, but at least I was being true to myself.
Just walk away like the wind it's pointless looking back after you're done with them because they will just do the same again..
That’s what I think. 7 months with an avoidant went through my first discard, it’s painful and if he doesn’t heal and do therapy nothing will change. I unfollowed him every where and wished him well.
@@sholamacastro984 I'm just looking forward to getting back to my own country on the 11th after this ordeal where I can be myself and be happy with going hiking.. it's been an expensive experience but it's taught me about people.. even now I'm one block away from her and still not interested in her and don't want to be near her whatsoever, even today I bumped into her alcoholic mother while In her friends shop and basically refused to buy her alcohol.
I went through the same thing 3 years ago, i was with my ex avoidant for 8 months. Best advice i can give you is let go of the hope that he will change and come back. If he does come back he will most likely take no accountability and want to sweep everything under the rug. Hold your boundaries, dont tolerate that. More than likely he will never change or if he does it will be several years down the road. The sooner you let go of hope for him the sooner you will heal. I held on way too long hoping for change and it really prolonged my healing. Stay off his facebook, instagram, and stay off the get your ex back videos, keep watching coach ryan and watch welcome to the other half. You deserve better than someone who treats you like you dont matter as soon as they get a little upset. @@sholamacastro984
Same here. I wrote a farewell text the day after he left for another. I got my closure, and also asked him to return my things from his home. He did, leaving them at the door as I requested. I then deleted his contact number, photos, unfriended him, put away gifts, threw stuff out. I erased him from my life. I felt a lot better. NC forever for me.
Going on 3 months of him not replying back after I confronted him in a text. Wasn't nasty just had to tell him how his non-actions are hurting me. Can't believe he's gone 3 months to not reach out after everything i did for him. My heart feels broken. I'm existing . Feeling like I'm just floating around. Lost. I loved so deeply . I will never be the same person again 💔🥺
Yes, I feel with you!
Sadly, know exactly how you feel - was feeling, living like this 5 months, since 13 February to be precise. I will send her the last thing she will ever hear from me until she goes on her knees to show me how deeply sorry and heartbroken she is, no begging CAUSE WE NON-AVOIDANTS DID NOT DO THEM ANY HARM BUT GAVE EM OUR FULL, FULL ENTIRE LOVING HEART - for them to simply destroy the love that was soooo extremely strong so unique. But I am no plan B.
@jurgenwehner3607 I'm so sorry you feel this pain . I feel bad for anyone who feels this way. It's horrible and I just can't break from it.
@smaimer4974 do you feel better now being 5 months? Sorry for the heart ache you felt.
@@smaimer4974amen!
Keep telling myself, "If she wants to talk that's her perogative. Not mine."
“One does not become enlightened
by imagining figures of light,
but by making the darkness: conscious.
Until you make the unconscious: conscious, it will direct your life
and you will call it fate.” ~ Carl Jung
You’re more than a Queen. Not that a Queen is limiting
because that’s the highest highness
of a most intelligent courageous beauty
amongst women.
You do embody a perfect emanating expression of a Queen.
The icing on the cake is your Divine limitlessness
that is in tune with her being. You’re evolution.
Thank you for sharing and expressing.
I sense your passion for yourself
and your passion for standing for justice
of your worth.
I’m grateful for the love you have for yourself.
You’re badass.
All truth! 1000% accurate.
THE MOST RAW OF ALL TRUTHS
Yes. So true! Don't do it.
The hardest person to break up with
is the one you've created in your delusional, fantasy-making mind...
1. Know your value!!! (Do NOT doubt yourself.)
2. Take yourself and your worth seriously. You need to BE A QUEEN to be treated like one.
3. Don’t give easy access to anyone, at any time. Access to your energy should be expensive.
4. Do NOT only express your boundaries. YOU MUST show them.
5. Always be ready to walk away.
6. Show that you are focused on actions not on words.
7. Have a healthy degree of skepticism.
8. You must be willing to say NO and you must be willing to lose the man, if needed.
9. Never EVER chase a man! A truly worthy woman, (who knows her worth)
does not EVER chase a man.
Giving the same energy that you're getting
is key
and if you don't like that energy
then move on! NOW!
It can be hard
but that's when you need to choose yourself
over the damn illusion/fantasy.
A man who loves a woman will not ignore her, ever, period.
So...
If he ignores me
I will step back
and he will lose me.
Simple. Simple.
Non-dramatic
and uncomplicated.
I don’t,
under any circumstance:
play these childish-abusive-controlling
mind games.
I will only be with a man who values and appreciates me,
and treats me as the Queen, I AM.
(Daughter of the Most Hight; King of kings!)
Because I am a beautiful and kind and divine
and sexy and wise and intelligent and magical woman:
who knows my worth.
Period.
Also,
We create each moment.
This moment contains,
through my focus,
both positive and negative...
I can put my attention on what I lack,
what I don't have,
what traumas I do have etc...
And,
I can put my attention on the calm moment that I am in, NOW,
the food I just ate, and the fact that my body is satisfied, the shelter I do have...
(You get my idea!)
Both are here...
And now.
For the sake of fairness,
I will allow myself to cry my pains, in the moment
if/when they come/arise,
AND
also acknowledge the beauty I still have in my life NOW.
Pain? Yes.
Suffering? Indeed.
And,
also:
wonderous magical divine beauty.
Blessings to you!
THANK YOU for THIS!! Exactly what I needed today
@GodHelpMe369 Get over yourself lady. He's talking to those of us that have been hurt by avoidants (including men) -- not to Queens.
Thank you ❤🎉
this is why she is single,dont listen to this woman ladies or your cat collection will be starting soon
Yep. The heart felt text. Expect to get 👻
She actually explained everything with specifics and great detail
who?
Another great video, thank you; I am a huge fan. I have slightly mixed feelings about this now after having watched lots of content about the so called 'no contact' so called 'rule'. I get and agree wholeheartedly with the dignity part and the giving those who did the discard space to feel the loss part but I also understand those who comment on having sent that letter or that message as part of their own closure that they feel they owed themselves. I think that it may serve as part of the journey to heal and/or vent (and so heal). After all, a big part of the problem is the pool of unspoken words between two people and dependent on where an individual is in any given moment, and we are contextual 'creatures', it could be beneficial. Some time most certainly need to pass and we need to take into account the length of the relationship, the nature of it, our ages and life experiences and that so important gut feeling about the other person. Looking forward to the next video!
Talk about a sign from God right after I sent a message I really needed to hear this thank you😢
Im so embarrassed I sent cards and all.
Because we’re nice, healthy, caring people, using communication methods that would create open communication with a healthy and caring partner.
But deactivated avoidant partners don’t respond in healthy and caring ways.
@jennyhaytch no, they dont 😭
He needed to stress a little more that getting back with them might not be a good idea. Unless of course you want to go through it all over again...and again.
Dude! U are amazing. Everything U have said in this video is spot on!
ThankU
But issue is they don’t even care losing you it’s like ur not even existing
They do care, but it takes a while.
Meanwhile the stonewalling creates so much pain at the recipient’s end.
Thank you human. I will watch this forever. Whenever needed. Hopefully i will bever do the same mistakes again. Never overlove and overcare... ppl are making me losing the belief that unconditional pure genuine love exists. 5 months 2 heartbreaks, same way of break up. I give too much i expect to have too much i get that then the honeymoon phase fades for them then they leave me attached to them. Well i will never be spontaneous again...
What foul human beings.
Amen
Broken people 😮
Such good advice. Wish I had known.
It’s just best to end It and start over with someone else. I know it’s easier said than done. Good luck to all that are dealing with this❤
but if you really want them back you have to act like you dont care and ready to move on , let them see the new confident you by ontacting for something small house , bills , or kids or dog. i acted like i dont care anymore and im ready to meet someone else,. and she has been showing interest again and told me she loves me, its a very slow process but works
This is totally true
im acting indifferent and that im ready to move on , now she wants to interreact more, she told me she loved me again today i acted indifferent and she is more and more attracted. we share a dog so i went nc other than contact about the dog only. no begging no asking them to come bck, let them see you know your worth then they think maybe i messed up.
@@tankthearc9875 don’t buy it. Avoidants only reach out so they can feed their own ego it’s nothing to do with genuinely loving you. I had 2 relationships totaling 26 years I know Avoidants well. It’s all an act when they reach out
Perfectly said thank you
you act like your ready to move on, and build your confidence, act indifferent they come back its very attractive to them,
Absolutely 💯...Thank you sir for this great word of wisdom to people whol left their partner of being emotionally unavailable 🙏
THANK YOU, this was exactly what I needed to hear TODAY! ❤
I have done it and he was on tinder after a week and it did not have new member badge :))))
This is so very true. I sent her a text and what I got was I’m trying to figure me out and my focus is me and I don’t know why I left. Then when I say look your an avoidant I get told no I’m not sent a video and she still said nope not me. But if I ask anything about bills we have together it’s a fast response
Let her go. There is no grey. She ❤ you or not
This was necessary, sometimes my heart starts melting and want anyhow to reach her,but it's very good after I have pulled out
I send my avoidant..my da..
.. a letter every few months so that I know... it'll keep her away..
and she'll never contact me....
WINNING 🎉
😂
Weak......
Thank you Coach! I watch this one a lot! It is sooo helpful to keep me from reaching out. bless you
Really helpful video Ryan, thanks so much ❤ we are on no contact without a break-up
Jup got blocked, deleted and stonewalled😢
Same
I GIVE MY LIFE TO JESUS. Please pray for me. I accept Jesus as my lord and savior.
Amen 🙏
❤
Jesus won't ever leave you nor forsake you. (Nor discard you!)
yupe going through a cold response.. I'm blocked completely through all outlets. I left a message a few days ago. I know she hasn't seen it yet. she was pulling back and ignored me before I exploded I told her to go away.
Needed this today, thanks coach
Oops! 😬
But it was 3 months after No Contact.
I feel 💯% better now
and I think we could still be good mates as we were only a few months into a relationship.
I work with him and he does everything to get me involved in talks or messages on business topics. Very hard not to answer in this context, while on the private side, there is no morec communication from either side.
The timing on this is crazy as i just drafted mine haha! But its more of an apology for my own shortcomings as the last time we spoke post breakup it wasnt good and i kinda went full anger on her, not asking for them back at all, but just wanted to take accountability, reckon its still not good to send? (Shes still an avoidant who slow faded without effort)
Don't send it
@@palmiccz I reckon you're right.. it's been over 6 months and I keep thinking about it
Thank you.
How should I handle co-parenting and communication with him about the children during no contact?
I know it isn't the same but I worked with mine and I would just message normally if I needed to discuss work I just wouldn't reference our situation .. and just not discuss emotions.. hope that helps
@@officialmillie3333 Thanks for the suggestion. I'll see how that works out.
@@michaelatho4016 no worries
Not asking for a rekindling, just want her to know I'm thinking of her on her son's ( that passed away) birthday.
Stop
Let her feel the distance between you that she created
Hey coach , my ex reached me out afther 3 week of true no contact to apologies plus saying she was emotionally unavaible and was agreeing to a friendship that i denied .
She had blocked me on Discord at the breakup and unblocked me at the same time she wrote me 3 weeks later letting me know about it .
a week and half later i sent a friend request but saying nothing just to kind to tell her its safe if she want to reach back . is it pushy or needy acting ?
i am still remaining in no contact but i was thinking that would open her a door . what is your opinion on this ? she is on my opinion dissmisive avoidant.
Nope I don’t
No
What no? What do you mean?
You shouldnt care. Do what makes you feel good. F m
Welp.. the monkey branch hit me up telling me to come get her. Ruminated a smidge for a day, and then broke no contact (after 2 months) the next day.
sent her the screenshot and dunked on her a bit. Idk. Was probably dumb on me but.. yeah. What kind of a man sends her ex a text telling him to come get her??
Pff.
It does seem like a bit of karma get thrown away (not even) like human garbage and then her new thing to do that to her.
What if i already sent a text
Don’t send another one. Don’t give them the satisfaction of an ego trip. You need to have them come to you, and I can speak from experience it will take at least two months for that to happen.
He/she will come back to you. In my case she came back two separate times days 52 and 47.
@@bobbooey45 thank u i will stay strong and not do it
@@brittanybilliot7323 it’s really the only weapon and actually the best weapon you have. If he has feelings for you he will crack soon. If not you will be in a much better spot to open the door for someone even better
How long should you go no contact for if they ghosted you out of the blue?
FOREVER
It's up to them to come back.
They broke it, they got to make an effort to fix it
@@palmiccz It must have been painful. How did you end up in a no contact situation? Did you contact her first, or you just responded to what she said?
@@palmiccz Also, when you said that if she reaches out first, don't reply back, well I'm not sure if that's a good idea. If you don't reply back, they will just assume that you're the one who abandoned them, which is pretty much how they were conditioned to be, so it makes it easier for them to move on.
@@ohdear2275 Thanks, it makes sense. Still, Thais Gibson said that some avoidants would want to reach out after a certain amount of time passes by, but won't because of the shame. So sometimes, if enough time passes by, maybe you could do the first step. Not sure. Have you had a personal experience with an avoidant ex?
Forever darling
Please make a video on how to deal with heart break and trauma of betrayal by suddenly being discarded
Do you think you're overdoing it a bit with the music ... or, not yet?
that music background actually make me more peacefull tyvm.
If you watch these videos you notice that the music has been there consistently and so I guess Ryan has made his mind up about it all. Just to answer your question, in case you are still wondering. Ryan, we love the soothing music!
Help how about a birthday text??? 🫣💔
Try by "not even trying"
Get what I mean?
Do nothin'
@@MatthewBartolome u gonna do no contact. Don't even try to text a single word.
I text her n trying to get better. It will not help being nice. Trust me. I was the victim
No
This is gonna be really hard. Thanks
Nothing. Don’t. Don’t feed her ego, that you are there for her despite poor behavior of hers…
Coach Ryan you do you have some accuracy to you but you also are extremely negative person. By that I think that you are talking as though these people are doing this on purpose to purposely hurt another person yeah it's on purpose but it's not to hurt another person.
Then get hurt yourself. And It hurts like hell. When you need them, they are not there. No accountability. They act like you dont mean anything to them. Your self esteem plummets. Your heart hurts. Not to day we people gain new trust issues because of them.
No willls left to be in relationships anymore.
No, its enough. Its always better to control our impulse.
They can alsways choose to work on themselves. But they chose to hurt us to protect themselves.
Typical avoidant answer. Avoid taking responsibility by blaming the external.
It's no one's fault how you got there but it's damn sure your responsibility how you relate to other people.
I found him extemely accurate and helpful in how he describes behaviours of avoidants and how to relate to them. He is never stigmatizing them but instead he explains how they became avoidant from their childhood
Thank you so much 🙏❤️🩹🙂↕️