Weird Sh*t People Say About DEPRESSION: Tier List!
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- Опубликовано: 28 сен 2024
- From "its all in your head!" to "get outside more!" to "you're just looking for attention," its time we rank the best & worst things that people say to those dealing with depression! 💜
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“Why are you depressed?”
‘Because I have depression.’
“But why are you depressed??”
‘Because I have clinical depression.’
“But why??????”
🤦🏼♀️
My response to that one is to tell them I have a chemical imbalance in my brain. Simply put my brain is not making certain chemicals it needs in a big enough supply so my brain is literally broken in the "everything is sunshine and roses" department.
That or on snarky days I ask them why they have two legs and turn their argument around on them.
I had a DOCTOR grill me about my anxiety...”but what makes you anxious?? Is that it? What else??” I feel anxious constantly for no reason and THAT is the problem...why is that so hard to understand.
Reading this literally went AGHHHHHHH!!!!
@@jacquelinelewis2110 Right!?
@Adaline Lee I’m not going to lie, when I saw the notification for this response I thought it was going to say “because of questions like that!”
The one that bothers me the most in my life is when I say I’m tired and someone goes “you didn’t even do anything today” like yeah... because I’m mentally exhausted
Explain the spoon theory to them. Mostly they just can't understand chronic exhaustion because they have no frame of reference. I have a very good friend who couldn't understand until I walked her through the spoon theory. Now she gets it. Here's a link to explain it: www.bjchealth.com.au/blog-fitness/the-spoon-theory-managing-fatigue-with-chronic-illness
Omg yes, this one.
@@celticphoenix2579 Also, spoons can get depleted by anxiety/depression themselves too. Some days I have plenty of spoons but they get destroyed by depression
saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaammme all the time
not doing anything all day will make someone mentally exhausted. Sometimes you just got to get up and make your bed so to speak.
God, as someone with anxiety and depression (and a whole bunch of other issues) the phrase “it could be worse” hits me like a punch in the gut. I already deal with an insane amount of guilt to the point where it’s physically painful. To hear someone else validate my irrational feelings is so, so terrible to me.
Aw well it could be worse
Your pain is valid - no matter how others can feel. You are the only one experiencing it and only you know how your anxiety and depression affects you. I hope you can stop feeling guilty for it.
@@ambersulejmani9318 I know you're probably joking here, and you probably have no bad intention, but please don't joke about touchy stuff like this. The original poster specifically stated that comments like this hurt. I also know that you posted this reply a full month ago, making this irrelevant, but still.
I think I'm depressed and have anxiety too (not trying to self-diagnose)
@@joshthefantasydude9254 I doubt they give a fuck. you waste your fingers. also, its not irrelevant just because its old. Dont say please like that it makes stuck up. You not have to tell them what they should already know. all u had to say was "bad joke" or somthin. idk why im even in this thread.
As someone with Bipolar Disorder, thank you for this. It’s hard to convey this to people.
The all-time “winner” for me is, “YOU SHOULD BE GRATEFUL!” It’s straight up accusitory, and implies so many other things: that it’s your fault, that you don’t recognize the good things in your life, that you don’t appreciate the people around you, that you can’t see your privilege, that you’re being petty/childish, that you’re doing it on purpose, that you could flip a switch and everything would suddenly be better. By saying this, they turn depression into some kind of character flaw. That’s just not how it works.
To anyone reading this, please know, this is NOT your fault, and you are NOT a bad person for feeling this way.
not fond of that either - but given my anxiety often expresses itself as anger the person who says that is the one who needs to be grateful for not being on the end of a very angry me
"Happiness is a choice" makes me feel like such a failure. Like, I want to be happy. Do you think I choose to feel disappointed that I woke up today? Do you think I enjoy feeling like a burden on my friends/family? I would love to be happy and feel the way I did when I was a kid before depression and CPTSD reared their ugly heads but it's not that easy.
I hate that one. I wish I could "choose to be happy".
Yeah it's almost like they think life's a videogame or something
The worst one for me has always been when people tell me how much MY mental illness is "hurting" THEM.
"Do you have any idea what you're putting me/us through?? How can you be so selfish??"
"You're just not fun anymore. It's so exhausting being friends with you, right now. I know that's not your fault, but I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this with you."
"How much longer is this thing gunna go on for? Cuz we're honestly reaching our limit with it, at this point."
Or even the less openly cruel, but equally harmful: "I can't tell you how upsetting it is to have to see you suffering and not be able to fix it. This is affecting me too, you know!"
If you're struggling with supporting someone through their mental illness, it is NEVER okay to vent to that person about that!! You need to find someone else to support you, because emotionally dumping on someone about how their suffering is affecting you is ABSOLUTELY VILE.
Jesus, I hope you have other, better people in your life. These sound like the type of people who get upset that a birthday party isn't about them.
This is an underrated comment. My mom and few other people have said these before and they're awful... Sorry Idk if referring to myself was selfish... Regardless you aren't alone and I hope you find/have better people who aren't like that.
The big thing is, as someone with depression, I ALREADY KNOW THAT IT'S HARD ON OTHER PEOPLE. That's a big contributor to one of the deadliest thoughts of "nobody else would suffer if I died and stopped suffering"
Edit: Basically, it's not just hurtful, but legitimately DANGEROUS to say.
@@lazuliartz1296 No fucking kidding. That though is gotta be the worst
Mmh I dunno, I think it's important to voice stuff if it's genuinely affecting you, like don't be an ass about it, but maybe they are being a bit too much, and even if other people don't have depression, they still have limits. Imagine if someone is depending on someone every minute or venting in a super toxic way, I don't think the solution is just to silence yourself, but to genuinely say that it's a bit much. Of course you should be careful with your words, and show that you truly do still care. I dunno, I don't think it's so black and white
If the blues are a cold
Depression is cancer.
Antidepressants save lives every bit as much as insulin does.
I fully understand. I've dealt with clinical depression most of my life. You've spoken words written on my soul. Even if I never meet you, remember, you are never alone.
The insulin analogy is exactly what my friend told me when I was struggling with the choice to get back on anxiety meds. She said she needs drugs for her pancreas, and I need them for my brain.
I agree that depression is like cancer. Cancer eats away your body. Depression eats away your mind and your soul.
@@olingecko As both a diabetic type 2 AND a depressive I've come up with the answer: "So you'd say that I don't need my insulin if I snap out of it, right?"
@@olingecko I hope you can feel better by taking these meds. I'm glad you have a friend who understands and can be there for you!
Telling someone "depression is all in your head" is like telling Jo her disability is all in her leg. Yes, but that doesn't change a thing about how much it effects a person.
“Are you sure it’s not all in your head?” Well it’s not in my big toe 🤨
It's so ignorant it hurts ME and I don't even have depression.
I say really? I didn’t know that thanks for the information.
I don't generally hold up Harry Potter as like, great literature, but I've always loved this small exchange Harry and Dumbledore have at the end of book 7, where Harry has "died" and is in a kind of limbo universe. He asks Dumbledore whether this is all happening in his head, or whether it's real, and Dumbledore answers "Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?"
While it is specific to Harry's situation in this limbo place, I always appreciated that quote for a lot of situations and specifically mental health stuff where a lot of people seem to have a similar dichotomous thought process to Harry where they think it's not real because it's happening in your head.
It's kind of like having a nightmare. Yes, it's all in your head, but it feels completely real and is no less terrifying than something happening in your waking life.
Wow, I never thought of it that way! Stuff happening in your head is incredibly real, maybe not to anyone else, but to you it is and people should consider that.
I personally feel like "what does kill you makes you stronger" only applies to like... Things that go away or you can get used to. Saying that to mental/chronic illness doesnt make sense. There is no "wow that was a difficult experience but look at me i survived it!" Cuz its always present tense, y'know?
Like only pressure makes diamonds 🤮
Like, to be honest? That mostly applies to muscular strength (assuming you don't have disabilities which have a high risk of abnormal and maladaptive muscle configuration or that you are supervised in exercise properly if you do have such disabilities), immune system strength (assuming it doesn't result in autoimmune disorder), and the fact that using your brain to think improves your ability to do so (as does challenging beliefs with an open mind, though even that one can be risky if you go into that not critically examining the belief that challenges your current ones). Other than that - they don't. Even sensory tolerances are a total wild card and can just mean that either they get worse or if they do get better you might develop a new sensory issue in its stead (or they "get better" at a severe psychic cost). And some of the things that are made stronger by the things that don't kill you are trauma responses - which sure strengthen those specific neuronal connections but weaken you as a whole. And pressure about "not being weak" doesn't make that better.
SO glad you touched on "wanting attention"! When someone tells me "they're just doing it for attention", I ask "well, have you given it to them?"
I remember hearing someone say in response: "Yes, I do want attention. I want attention for all the people like me so they know they're not alone." I'm paraphrasing but I just thought that was so cool.
Then again, someone could be faking it for clout.
One time getting a little bit of attention was all it took to put my depression into remission for 3 whole months.
I have anxiety and this is some of the stuff people have said to me:
"You have nothing to be scared of"
"I haven't noticed that"
"Why are you scared you get such good grades"
Well thank you... This hasn't at all made me feel even more bad about anxiety at all 🙄 but actually I can't choose whether I have anxiety or not.
“Snap out of it” is the thing Karen’s say also I imagine if you get really sick I’m just gonna say “snap out of it” to you if you tell someone else that same thing
My birth giver said that to me about my depression. And my migraines. My first suicide attempt was age 7. My first therapist appointment was age 13, and then only because it was a condition of me being let back into school after I got expelled. She took me to my therapist once a week for three months as mandated then never again because it was too expensive to help me, she would rather go on vacations to the coast. A couple of years ago she told me that she had developed depression and damn it was soooo hard NOT to parrot her own words back at her. But I won't let her turn me into her.
@@celticphoenix2579 That's noble... I find myself frequently reiterating things back at people as if to say, "how do you like it? Hmmm?" I wish I could have the will not to let it get to me.
Walk it off
@@celticphoenix2579 That was really cool of you. I hope now you can get the proper care for yourself and your condition ❤️
A great description of depression is “It’s not the normal sadness when something goes wrong, it’s the crushing sadness even when everything is right”
That is a good one.
I don’t know, I bypassed sadness and just went straight on to emotional numbness, lethargy and a bit later pseudodementia. I apparently didn’t know how to be alive anymore.
I've heard a quote once that said, "The opposite of depression is not happiness, but vitality."
When it comes to “You don’t seem sad” I definitely agree that that comes from ignorance. I’ve noticed a lot of people I know (family and friends), hide it. They don’t want to worry others, they don’t want to burden others with their issues, and not to mention who knows what they have gone through that they also hide (because of the above reasons). If they tell you their experiences, to me that shows trust and know that they feel like you should know. I try to be there for the people I can. I have a friend who always apologizes for ranting/venting about their problems but I just try to reassure them and tell them that I’m there to listen. I feel like it’s important not to let things stir in your head and I want to be someone friends and other people I care about are willing to go to
Ive had this response to both my mental health issues and my physical disabilities. The guy was floored when I said thank you. When he asked me why I said thank you I simply said that I put a lot of energy into not looking disabled or looking sick every day, so if I genuinely don't look it to him then it means my efforts were working and not in vain.
I'm learning now that it's okay if I have a bad day to not put in effort to not seeming sick or sad. If I don't have the energy to put on makeup then I don't put on makeup. If I don't have the energy to brush my hair then I don't brush my hair. Those who matter to me don't mind and those who mind don't matter to me so it all works out. Being a spoonie is a whole different ball game and normies aren't always going to get it. And that's okay. I'm okay. Everything is okay.
If someone shares something like them, you shouldn't be trying to preach to them anyway. You should just listen and be kind to them. It's not that fricking hard!
A social worker asked why I was depressed while I was in the hospital for self harm and then later transferred to the psych ward 🙃
Thanks for this video. Definitely needed to hear this today.
"Everyone gets depressed" is the one that I dislike . I wish there was a better name for the condition .
It used to be called melancholia
I've learnt from the stuff being shared in the mental health groups I'm in on Facebook that a lot of people think that mild depression is in fact severe depression.
They post things like "severe depression is not folding the laundry for 5 days?". Is it? Severe depression is not washing your clothes my dude
"I have cancer."
"Everyone gets colds!"
I had an experience with a friend in “thanks for trying” is “just don’t think about it” I was told this by a very close friend, and I would put it there because I know her. She didn’t understand and I hope she never has to go through it too. She honestly meant well, even if she doesn’t know how to communicate it.
What did she say?
@@hootieq she told me to stop thinking about it.
for me "not thinking about it" (or better, think about something else so you don't think about it) sorta works - it gets my mind out of the dark path and gets me in a different - usually better - mindset. It's a temporary and absolutely shitty solution (and usually makes things worse long-term), but sometimes it is the only way to get my brain back in track - at least temporarily.
I think the "it could be worse" is the worst when you tell it to yourself. I think we are often conditioned to look at life that way and it's why it's so difficult for many to actually seek help.
Other people have told me this and so not I tell it to my self. I once said I was depressed/anxious to my soon to be in laws at the time and a response I got was people who have cancer just want to get better. So glad I didn't marry into that family.
My favourite metaphor that helps me with this is: A person under two feet of water needs help as much as a person under 20 feet of water, they’re both drowning.
@@ravyntaylor6982 I really like this. Everyone should have the ability to get help!
Thank you so much for sharing! It's really interesting how everyone is different. For example, the "you should pray more" is easily one of the worst ones for me. Probably because I come from a horrible brand of Christianity and my parents have said to my face (and they repeated this to me again last week, so nothing's changed) that my depression is punishment from God in this lifetime for not believing in him... Because apparently the eternal torture isn't enough punishment for lacking the ability to have faith in an organized religion.
Meanwhile, I don't mind at all when people tell me what doesn't kill me makes me stronger. That's definitely been my lived experience and it makes me feel seen and validated. I think for anyone concerned about offending someone with depression, they should just follow your advice at the end. Focus on making sure the person knows you're there for them and believe them when they say they're hurting.
I was in a toxic relationship (he was extremely controlling among a lot of other things and cut me off from a lot of my friends) and when I’d go through a depression spell and I’d let him know he’d always say “well at least it wasn’t like this” and talk about his traumatic past (as if my trauma wasn’t bad or I shouldn’t see it as bad or feel bad about it because of his past being worse). I would just feel guilty and eventually turned back to self harm. Once that relationship ended I went through a huge period of depression where I stayed in bed almost all day, barely ate (I’ve struggled w/ eating on and off and it got really bad at this point), barely slept, and just was ready to be done. My boyfriend then came into my life and helped me out majorly. He showed me that he cared and even helped me stop self harming (by listening and being there for me) (happy to say I’m over a year clean), I got my weight back up and I am doing better. I still go through depression spells and he’ll ask why I feel that way and I either don’t have a reason, have had random traumatic memories pop up, or it’s something he said or did that would be okay for anyone else but hurtful to me because of my trauma. When he asks me why it makes me feel guilty when I can’t give him an answer or if it’s because of something he did or said, I’ll turn it around to be my fault (because “everything was my fault in my past relationship”.) I’ve been struggling a lot lately and know I should go to therapy but I’m waiting for the right moment (although I don’t know if there’ll ever be one).
I also struggle with anxiety around guys (usually new men) and groups of people. I’ll get asked why I do something, such as, put on a sweatshirt when it’s really hot and it cause me a bit of embarrassment. It’s usually because I end up really uncomfortable I’m what I’m wearing (usually only if it’s tight or somewhat revealing clothing). One time this happened to me at my bfs house for a party with his family and some of his brothers friends were over (I was originally only wearing skinny jeans and a tank top with my hair in a high pony). I had talked to one of his friends for about 2 hrs, but when I went back to my bfs room and was alone with my thoughts I ended up feeling extremely uncomfortable (due to the skin tight tank top) so I put on my hoodie even though the house was close to 80*F.
My mom is so competitive that, she always tries to "one up me", whenever I talk about my problem.
Whatever I have, she has something 10 times worse, and I should be grateful.
Jo, this is my first episode of yours, and another 25 in queue. I'm mentally ill and have traumatic brain injury which has high likelihood of killing me via seizure/stroke. My house burned down in 2021, my dog and I almost died, and mom, dad, best friend committed suicide since 2018. I'm not sure how much I should have shared, but going through your shorts, I am blown away and am ready to absorb the energy and work you have so graciously shared with an often unknown reaction from public. I'm 41, and clawing at the prospect of a similar individual out in the world providing perspective with fellowship. I hate (yes, haate) being classified as the eternal victim, to the extent that it's a weapon or excuse for deflecting the victimizer, in the cycle of abuse. You have a great manner of speaking. I'm going to hush and listen. Love and prayers for opening up, I was in desperate need of a positive vibe, I regret waking up most mornings, but I'm binge with you, girlie, so the night terrors and my facade of normal can be fully put aside. You have me searching for your honorary Blackfoot native name,. You are very strong in many natural spirits, I think immediately of Crow medicine. Please excuse me for blabbering. From Prince George VA, alive another day.
"You choose to embrace your own life and like being a victim"
My math teacher in high school would always ask me how I was doing, and I'd always reply with something negative. He'd always say something along the lines of "I'm sorry to hear that" in response. Great guy, wish he was at my college.
I was diagnosed with depression 2 months ago. I take medicine now and it's really helping me
I have been diagnosed with clinical depression, I have also always suffered with Seasonal Affective Disorder.
I once had a complete stranger say to me..... "I give myself ONE day to be sad, then I make the decision to be happy and move forward."
Depression doesn't work like that 😪.
I found your channel yesterday. I just saw this video. All I have to say is thank you. I'm a disabled veteran with clinical depression made worse by war. I don't work because I'm scared to. It hurts when people tell you "you should get a job" or "you can work" or, my favorite, "you don't look disabled". Of course I don't. It's a mental health issue. So thank you for being someone I can only aspire to be.
No one ever asks you to "snap out of it", as if you could just grow back a missing limb
(or maybe they do?).
But lots of people think of mental health problems that way, like it's an attitude thing.
Thanks for making a difficult life thing, into a fun ranking game.
It is helping me feel better, about it.
Watching this video I realized I might be depressed. Now I'm not trying to self-diagnose but you have brought a lot of things to my attention. Thank you.
holy shit bro i totally agree on the "happiness is a choice" one. my mom and i both have generalized anxiety disorder and have struggled with depression in the past and she used to say this to me often. i think the way we interpret the phrase is different - when she says "happiness is a choice", she's talking about her attitude towards life. when i hear that phrase, the way i interpret it is the resulting emotion you feel about life. i agree that you can control your attitude towards life, but you can't control what you feel in the end. your attitude can help you feel better in the end but it can't fix everything.
I agree with you so much. I have been told so many times "you don't know what depression actually is" I am 16 and I do know what it is.
I knew what it was age 7 when I first tried to kill myself. It really sux to be surrounded by people who not only refuse to understand your mental health issues or take them seriously, but actively make them worse.
I'm hurting for you that you have to experience this stranger. I hope that you have a support base to help you manage the tsunami of black emotions when they hit. Know that you have every right to feel whatever way you feel, whether it's good or bad, and nobody but you can accurately know what you feel.
You are not alone. You are loved. Internet hugs if you want them.
@@celticphoenix2579 Thank you so much for what you have just told me. It has really helped me realize there are many others like me.
Helpful things:
1. Show the person that you still want to be around them and not expect them to just cheer up. (Also works with grief, which is different from depression.) Watch videos with them. Just sit and read a book in the same room with them.
2. Ask if you can help with the stuff they feel too weighed down to do. (Use discretion based on the relationship.) "How about I get these dishes washed so that when you feel up to eating you won't be scrambling for a plate?" "Do you need me to run that to the post office while I'm out?" Something like that.
3. If you've noticed that something does tend to lift their mood, don't just tell them they should do it. Offer to do it with them. "Why don't we get some fresh air? We can walk Fido." "Would you like if I came over with my yoga mat?" "Maybe I can bring my guitar over and we could make some music."
Someone once said “I don’t understand why people are depressed like is there a reson? It’s kinda stupid” so I just stared at him
When I was 10, I was crying at my keyboard.
My mom found me, and asked me why. I said I didn’t know in a soft and shaking voice. She kinda rolled her eyes and left.
That was the start of severe depression and suicidal thoughts I’m still struggling which four years later.
My personal favorite. “Come on man, what’s wrong with you?”
Jo, you've said so much true stuff about depression, I can't comment on it all because it would take pages. I think the best thing anyone ever did to help me through my depressions was to just chill and accept me as I was.
You should do an anxiety tier list next, some to put on there are just calm down, try to distract yourself and "you don’t do _" or "you dont have ___ symtom" (for me that would be at the top of the list)
Omg yes. Frequent ignorance on this one. 🙄
@@emilyfogerty6438 EXACTLY
My uncle's famous line on depression, "People are depressed because they think happiness is unattainable" and all his friends were in his facebook comments like, "THIS 🙏🏻" and I was the only person like ...no?
My husband had polio as a child. He's been slowly decompensating over the years - with an end result known - that post polio will take his life. They expected it to be before he turned 35 - and he's 67. But the longer we've gone - the more I've been able to dismiss this -and my mantra has been "As long as he's still walking -we're okay."
Yesterday, we picked up his first wheelchair. It hit like a punch to the gut - it's terrifying. I sent a friend a message through messenger last night and her response was " Just enjoy every moment you have. He’s a very strong man. But, we are all out here for a temporary time. You know he is in pain. And what a great day it will be for him when his body is while again with Jesus.
I’m sure that’s not what you wanted me to reply with. I love you. And I am ALWAYS here for you. "
Yeah - this falls under most of your categories ... starting with Wow! That hurt!
I had a lot of problems getting help when I was younger with my mental health thanks to the constant belief that there's "someone who has it worse than you". It just led me to feel that I couldn't ask for help because other people needed it more than me and I wasn't doing "bad enough" to deserve it, so I ended up just staying quiet for years. I understand that people obviously do, I live securely financially and am very grateful for that, but I just couldn't feel the validity of my problems for so long.
I would NEVER say this to anyone else, and this is one of the classic 'terrible things to say to people with depression' that everyone agrees is just awful i think, but the *"other people have it worse than you"* paradoxically helped a little a couple years ago when i was 19, and i had a really terrible period. Now, it only helped when i said it to myself - which again, usually saying that phrase to yourself is also self destructive and carries a lot of blame and shame with it, so this is NOT coping advice. It likely wont work for you. But i remember saying it to calm myself when everything was really bleak. 'Others have had it worse, they've gone through worse; AND they're functional humans now. They're alive (some). I'll be alive after this. Other people in worse circumstances have made it out, and in comparison, mine is not as bad, so i'll be able to make it too.' It was really helpful to say that to myself on occation. But mine definetely had a spin on it: i wasn't using it to blame myself for struggling a lot. You should never. I was using it to reassure myself that i could struggle a lot, and i could be alive after it, and that it wasn't so bad that it was irreversible/doomed.
The saying is terrible, and vicious- especially when it comes from other people. But I feel like it could be interesting to see a someone who had a different spin on this horrible one that we all agree should go in the garbage can.
The hardest thing is to (now that I am single) is to ask for help. Because when I shared to my (late) husband, his response was "well, I am depressed too". I *HEARD* sit down and shut up. All too often, people do not understand the difference between mental health challenges and emotional highs and lows. Please do not be flippant with loved ones if they say things that you might think are odd, strange, or just to get attention. I am forever grateful to my wonderful counselor whom I meet with virtually once a week. I am forever grateful that my medications are working (more or less). But I also have learned that it is a delicate balance and I have to be certain that I get good sleep, eat consistent meals, and socializing more. And, I have two furbabies to remind me that they need me and that I can find joy and humor watching them play, groom each other or simply sleep with one leg hanging off of the cat tree during a severe thunderstorm. Thank you for posting this.
When people tell me to get outside more on a down day or say I need to do more of something it really gets to me, mainly because I require normalcy to get out of my bad times. For me personally I need things to be the same until I'm feeling better otherwise I end up forcing myself to do those things and it feeds back into my depression because I get to thinking "why isn't this helping? What's wrong with me". Like I said things being normal tends to be a comfort so when I can just relax and the rest of the world isn't changing to step on my toes while I try to relax and let the bad days pass is such a nice thing most days, mainly because I hate to feel like I'm in the way especially on bad days
My wife has been down for weeks now (family stuff).
When I got home my wife and I just had a little chat (your little drops in the bucket).
It helped.
Thank you
Hi Jo! I've been going through really bad depression these past couple months, and your videos have helped me in many ways. Depression is definitely not a choice, we just have to do our best to keep moving forward, stay strong!
"what doesn't kill you ...." Being flippant about death to a depressed person is really awful because they might only focus on the death part and feel that you're making fun of them.
Choosing happiness definitely isn’t a choice. However, for me, I’ve always seen choosing happiness to be the small choices I make to keep a routine, exercise, eat well, reach out to my inner circle, ask for help when I need it, and take time to care for myself as my way of choosing happiness. There are absolutely circumstances and times without reason where the feeling of happiness is not a choice, yet I can chose to make better choices in the moments that I am able and in the long run have more happiness.
These things that people say are why I don't tell anyone when I'm depressed.
On "it could be worse"
Quantity of pain does not denounce validity.
Yes, there are always going to be people who 'have it worse'
But that does not validate beating down on someone who is struggling just because they're in a 'better situation' than someone else.
In my opinion one of the better things to tell someone who is depressed is, speaking from empathy, recognizing that they aren't the only one who deals with depression/depression-like symptoms. Not in a "You're not special for being depressed!" way but a "It's okay to feel that way and you aren't alone." way
You are so articulate, about such a complex subject.
Very helpful insights you share.
No matter how frustrating it is to hear the same useless suggestions, I always (ok, not always, but most always) try to remember, they mean well.
I try to show gratitude for the effort, and briefly explain, that it's not that simple.
And I try to do it without showing irritation.
I find it easier to forgive other people for not understanding, than I do to forgive myself, for not being able to "just get over it".
I despise those "just pick up yourself by your bootstraps" lectures. Now smacking one of those idiots does seem like it would make me feel better.
Hell, yeah, I'll hold them for you, and even donate a baseball bat for your treatment.
I absolutely hate, positively HATE that comment.
That is instant red flag, nuclear bomb level of trigger for me.
People don't even understand that phrase.
"Just pick yourself up by the bootstraps" is literally about how that is impossible.
@@lazuliartz1296 Agreed. I was actually looking at a similar but not identical phrase in German. "Reiss dich mal zusammen." is "pull yourself together". It is somewhat similar in intention. As if I could just change my depression by thinking more positively about it.
Both my friend and I have depression and we’ve come up with a really quick and easy way to be there for each other. One of us will say we feel crap, then the other will ask if there’s a reason or if it’s just ‘a mood’. If there’s a reason we’ll talk it out and see if there’s anything we can do, if it’s just a mood we’ll just hang out, either physically or online and just be there and hang out like normal, just for support.
If you happen to do one of these on anxiety, one of my least favorite responses to saying something makes me anxious and I therefore don’t want to do it is: it’s not that big of a deal.
Jo I concur with this.
Depression and bipolar suck. I'm grateful for my pups and cats to help me through ruff days or weeks.
And a merry bah humbug to you as well.
the point about attention was absolutely excellent. so so glad you said that.
As someone with Persistent Depressive Disorder (or dysthymia) this whole tier list was a big MOOD
I was guilty of a few of these comments when my husband was going through health anxiety. I was on my last nerve and couldn't take it anymore but fortunately we recognize that he had undiagnosed anxiety since forever and we got the proper treatment for him.
I really had to learn to listen and not just jump to giving advice and trying to fix things. When my friend with depression calls crying, it breaks my heart and I just wanna help. I also still have to fight the urge to ask if something has happened to trigger this. Her starting therapy has been a blessing for our relationship. I could let go of this urge to fix things and can just be a friend and listen and hold her.
Just think about the good stuff hurts like hell. Like thanks for reminding me I'm unable to feel good about the good, that's not frustrating at all.
Hey Jo, just want to tell you: I'm having a bad day,but watching you're videos is making it better :)
Something I get often is "You don't seem depressed." Which, depending on my mood, affects me differently. If I am having a good day, then I view this as "I'm getting better!" or something of that sort. However, if I am in an episode, I tend to take it as "So, I'm good at lying?" And the thought of being good at lying hurts.
It can only help specific people but if you have a friend tell you they’re depressed and you’ve been/are depressed it may be helpful to tell them you’ve been there and that it sucks, it can let them know you may be able to help them and feel like they have someone to relate to. But some people may also feel like they’re being ignored so make sure you know it would be helpful.
Usually everything starting with “why don’t you just...“ had my heart jumping out of my chest. Nothing is ‘Just’ anymore if you go to the grocery store, forgot everything that you needed, because the fog in your head made you spend half an hour in front of the cookies isle, unable to choose, so you left without and upset and frustrated with yourself.
As someone struggling with depression, the ideas of "You need a reason to be sad," and "Choose to be happy" are much more connected than they may at first seem, especially to those who have never experienced mental illness. I have never experienced a truly traumatic or "depression inducing" experience, so I have no logical reason to be depressed, which can make you feel broken. There is also a stigma that "only adulds experience depression." This could not be further from the truth. I am not an adult, so when this stigma comes up, it makes me feel broken beyond repair. When people learn the truth about this matter, they assume that these emotions are a choice, so they say something similar to "Choose to be happy, not sad!" This can make you feel even more broken than you already do. Hearing these things has also made it a lot harder for me to express when I need help, and it has caused me to fake my happiness even more than I was. Please, PLEASE, do not say these types of things to people who are struggling with mental illness.
I apologize for the length of this comment, so if you read it all, I genuinely appreciate it.
I remember the worst thing that was said to me about my depression was my mother. When she found out I was self harming, the first thing she asked me was “Are you doing this for attention?” It hurt so much and I blew up at her telling her that I had been doing it for months and that if I was doing it for attention then when would I hide it. She’s never said anything like that again but it still hurts to think about.
When I'm depressed, I don't even have enough energy to turn a door knob...
I think that instead of saying you should pray more I think that you should say I will keep you in my prayers
My "favourite" that I got so far was "but why is this good for you?". Well, newsflash my friend: it's not :D
Jo, your description of the emotional experience of depression is ON POINT! Going through the motions of fooling others into believing I am okay is EXHAUSTING, but it is like I can see the emotions happening around me, but I cannot access them.
Not sure if you read these anymore, but here it goes. The best thing someone can do/say, is to be honest, sincere, and show repetition. The instant that person believes the other is just saying things, being manipulative, or ignored, the trust is gone, and that will make them feel even worse. To them, it reinforces & justifies the negative feelings and behaviors. Thus, creating an endless spiral downwards. I'd also like to recognize, that depression is hard on everyone around the person feeling it. It takes work, to be around someone in pain, and not just chalk it up to , " oh they're having one of their moments again". Just keep in mind, that sayin, " sticks & stones, break my bones, but words will never hurt me ", is complete bs.
My mom: "Just pray to God and he'll make you feel better!" "Oh just stop, you're inhibiting yourself by saying you just can't get over it."
"Think of all the good things in your life" makes me think with my depression that "Great, that means things could easily get worse"
one that I always get is "are you sure" or "I don't believe you" those always get under my skin because usually, I have spent days building up the courage to ask for help. Or when they say just go and do it then that one is most definitely not helpful.
God. I hate when people say these things. Like I know they probably don’t quite understand & are trying to help. But like, idk. It still kinda hurts.
As a person who's been diagnosed with anxiety and depression, I can definitely say that there are a lot of things in life that make me happy(drawing, music, my cousins), but every time I make a mistake(or I think I make a mistake) it sends me down a horrible rabbit hole and fills my head with thoughts about suicide and self harm
note: for those of you concerned for my physical health, my body physically will not let me hurt myself badly(will never pierce skin or get close to killing myself), but of course I still find it as a problem
double note: excuse the vent ik a lot of you literally didn't ask but thanks for reading anyway
"It could be worse" Is probably the worst thing you could tell someone with actual depression. People already have a tendency to compare their lives to others when they're depressed and this leads to the idea that well my problems are that bad so i must be crazy / over reacting.
thank you for the video. i agree with everything you said. i and others have felt happiness is choice and luck. so luck is not always there.
For a daily annoyance, yes it could be worse. You can move on with your day.
When you're dealing with something serious, it IS the worse.
One of my roommates freshman year of college really did not understand depression and she actually said "have you tried just being happy?" which made me laugh since she was 100% serious but she meant well
And as my mom just found out, depression isn't just "feeling sad or down", there's anger, rage, and other emotions that live inside depression... because depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. Sometimes, people with depression hurt other people physically (I'm still paying the price for my mom lashing out and shoving me backwards. It doesn't help that she also has dementia, hence the depression..but the hardest thing I've done so far was to call the cops on my own mom for assault). As someone who has depression myself, I've listened to my mom tell me things, like I needed to get outside more, or take vitamins..I know she still won't "get it" because dementia prevents her from comprehension, but I can hope.
"You should pray more" would be close to the worst thing you could say to someone if the root of their depression is embedded in a religious upbringing (as mine was). Kind of like telling a battered wife she would feel better if she "spent more time with her husband". It wasn't until I left religion behind that I began to recover.
As someone with depression and anxiety who's doing better now but used to have it pretty bad, I'd like to share some favourites of mine on both ends of the chart if it's alright, feel free to scroll past though.
"You're just lazy." and variants thereof. Like, I try, honest to goodness I do. But at the same time, sometimes looking after my ratties, handling a ton of schoolwork and getting chores done is incredibly hard. Sometimes it's damn near impossible. And reminding me I'm not doing all the things I should be able to do gets the perfectionism and high standards I hold myself to screaming and I get less done, like a horrid spiral.
"You're so smart, you just don't apply yourself enough." Same as before, I try. And constantly telling me I don't try enough just leads to a horrid state where I either push myself to the point of completely neglecting my basic human needs, or I straight-up can't finish things or hand in assignments because they aren't perfect enough and I'll fail if I hand this in, so what's even the point?
"Just go outside more." is a double-sided coin. Like, my psychologist recommends I do this because she knows I love being outside and gardening and taking walks, but not everyone who suggests it knows, and that's when it upsets me. Because what if I didn't like being outside at all? You don't know that, please don't assume.
And finally,
"What about everyone else around you?"
This one's a favourite because those are my mother's words after I talked to her about my attempt to off myself. There was a little more to the statement than that, like talking about how it would affect the people who would have found my body, how it would affect the other members of my family who suffer with mental health issues, and whatnot.
And I should also add, a week or so later Mum did apologise for saying these sorts of things and she should have thought through her reaction a little better, so I 'd like to clear that out before anyone thinks of her as a bad person. She's not, she just didn't know how to respond to learning one of her children had attempted such a thing.
Thank you for reading my absolute essay of a comment, if you took the time to do so, and I hope you all have a wonderful day :)
I feel this. AGREED! You forgot 1 of my favorites since I lost my leg. Stop choosing to wallow in self pity? So guilt stacking for being depressed. Ummm nope? Besides I fake happy VERY well? 😝 haha! 😆
People try to make themselves feel better because they have NO idea how to actually confront your problem. Fear is so limiting. And not understanding what the scope and the depth of depression functions. Depression attacks people on a physical level. I am convinced that saying " I can listien" covers everything..
"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" yes getting ptsd from being physically assaulted made me soooooo much stronger with my f*cking intrusive memories and flashbacks... Yeaaaaaaaaaaah f*ck no
oh, I have a few favorite unhelpful things. A guest pastor said "depression is just a twisted form of pride" and my mother has stated "I think it was just a phase" and also asked "are you even trying to get better". But I've also had a couple people who were wonderful and I am forever thankful to those people
@@samanthakennedy8761 His explanation was that you're still thinking about yourself, which is pride, even if you're thinking about yourself negatively...
the only thing weird is people who have alot to say about depression, when they don't have it
I think one way I might phrase "you should go outside" in a better way would be "can we go sit on the porch together?" so it motivates them to do something of minimal effort with another person that also gives them fresh air and sunlight. I might even say "then let's push a pair of comfy chairs over to the window and crack it open" if they don't want to go to the porch. I hope that feels better to the person than "you should go outside more" and if anyone wants to tell me how those sound please do
I have a hard time on days when I'm particularly feeling depressed. My illnesses are "invisible " when it comes to outsiders and sometimes it really frustrates me, downright makes me want to burn down a house, not really but yea... ppl see a thin, physically fit visibly but internally I struggle everyday with digestive illness, ptsd, anxiety and have to force myself most days to put a smile on my face. The "it's all in your head" generally comes with the connotation that you have control over the underlying causes of your feelings. When you are sick, disabled or trying survive daily the emotional and mental battle within us all the time and usually don't want others to see that part of us. At least for myself.
For me when I'm feeling dead inside or hit something down, seeing other people happy/successful I get jealous. Standard Yoda speech here.
My head knows this isn't accurate or right, but my heart feels it in the moment and so do I.
I am 51 and dealt with depression nearly my entire life, and suicidal since 15. I had 6 years of really great CBT therapy and went off my cocktail of meds in my mid 40's and not had an episode of clinical depression (2+weeks) since. Now when I get it, I get pay it in hours or days. And thoughts of suicide are swept out immediately.
I did figure out on my own though a few years back that it's hard to get out of depression if you have certain nutritional deficiencies that most of us do have these days. It doesn't mean if we get those nutrients then we are suddenly fine. But it can be very difficult to be fine if we don't have enough of certain nutrients.
Then just a few months ago I found out that 90% or more of serotonin is produced in the gut and that our gut has more neurotransmitters than our brain. An imbalanced gut or leaky gut can cause depression or other mental disorders on its own. So when we add trauma on to of that and possibly lack of good cooling skills, it can be so difficult to pick yourself up off of the rock bottom.
You are very brave more people need to voice it out like you do you help me a lot I can see there is others like me
My reaction to "It's all in your head" is "Well yes, that's the problem! If it wasn't, then it would be easier to fix.".
I have been in positions where I physically am unable to move any mulses in my body from sever anxiety and depression and my dad has told me most if not all of your top tier. Thought out my life I'm sure he's said all of these a dozen times. I know he loves me and he's desperate to make me happy but him not understanding sometimes hurts too much
Even though most of your 'comments' I've heard before, I believe they can't be said enough. So thank you! Unfortunately, many people simply don't know to talk or deal with someone who is depressed.
Watching this while looking at and playing with my sh scars is very weird. Right now I'm in an up swing in my depression. I'm starting to feel emotions again, I finally have enough energy to even brush my teeth, my mind isnt always racing. It's a weird feeling cause I'm thinking back to just a couple days ago when I had a blade in one day and was pulling back skin with the other. Two or three weeks ago I finally broke down and told my parents that I've been depressed for almost 3 years. They agreed to get me therapy but when I forgot to look up some people for it father told me that he thought I was faking it to get out of having all my things literally burned. No wonder I'm depressed when they try to destroy things I bought myself, were given to me, or things I made. They did actually burn my ex girlfriend's blood painting that she painted in her own blood for me. Shes dead now and that hurt a lot. But they keep putting off getting me therapy. I wish they would just understand. I cant be this perfect daughter. I cant just make all the trauma that happened disappear. I cant make the scars people physically and mentally gave me just dissolve. People need to learn that even when you tell someone to be happy it doesnt just happen. Trust me. I've been trying and faking it for years now. 14 years of trauma. 4 years of it causing depression. And a lifetime of even worse to come. I hope that better comes soon cause even in this upswing, things are so dark.
Seeing this today couldn't have been more appropriate. I've feeling like I'm heading to another episode. Like you said "often what people say isn't always helpful"
For me and others the mania that can occur after is often the time when more people likely to be in danger of hurting themselves. The depressive thoughts haven't all been relieved and now you have enough energy to be able to carry out those thoughts of self-harm.
You need to have a conversation with your friends and family regarding this risk. They need to know that the danger may not be over yet.
Love that intro!
Can there be a more hurtful ranking?
I reached out to my ex a couple years ago about my worsening depression and thoughts of self-harm.
I was met with, "How could you even think of being THAT selfish? What about our daughter? Can't you just suck it up?"
Definitely made things worse.
I'm so sorry. I hope you are in a better place or at least have actual support because that's a vile thing to say. The ex is being selfish by pushing it back onto you like that
@@KiraNightshade Thank you so much! ✊ I hope you're also well.
Things are looking up, and the ex and I have had many talks and she's come to understand a little more. While there's no hope of any rekindling, we are good friends these days, which is almost better. 🙏
Sometimes you don't want to be strong. Sometime you just want it to be over!
The phrase "choose happiness " is a reminder to me that I have control of my actions. That when I feel that my depression is going to win hearing or thinking of choosing happiness helps me to not feel out of control. It doesn't mean I feel the happy, but it does help me redirect and not fall as far if that makes sense.