“The only disability in life is a bad attitude,” actually the only disabilities I have are the barriers society puts in front of me everyday. Also the only disabilities in my life are the ones I was diagnosed with by qualified doctors. This is definitely my least favourite cliche
My "bad attitude" really IS my disability, but not the way they mean. I have chronic, treatment-resistant depression and cPTSD. The symptoms of my conditions ARE a "bad attitude." I'm profoundly sad. I'm angry. I dissociate. I have no enthusiasm for life. But I can no more become happy on command than Jo could regrow her foot. If only I could get fitted with a prosthetic personality.
"it could be worse" -- my least favorite times I've heard this are when a loved one is super sick. I KNOW IT COULD BE WORSE. I AM THINKING ABOUT THAT CONSTANTLY.
Who thought saying "it could be worse" to a person who has a sick loved one was a good idea in the first place??? Like... ever. Just... why??? Also, imagine saying this to someone with an anxiety disorder... Like... No. Just...NO.
@UCPitU3KAWE2DQpcNanPHK3Q youre confusing phases with personal growth Phases = fake, not true to the person as they "truly" are Personal growth = person changing who they truly are eventually but atm that is who they are and you have to accept that, will they change? Maybe. Ignoring their current reality for someone who doesnt exist? Feck off
My former boss' favorite quote they were really just using when they didn't want to address the issues caused by the hostile environment they repeatedly created at work. Like yeah, it is because YOU caused it to be as it is.
I feel like a lot of these phrases are great when applied to small annoyances, like running a few mins late...it could be worse, or spill your coffee down your shirt ...look on the Brightside at least it happened after your big meeting kind of things but should not ever be applied to big hard life altering things such as grief or illness or anything else.
I find that we do not tell people “I am so sorry that happened, that sucks, how are you feeling about it- can I help you?”, enough. Lol. Like sometimes we just have to let people know we are with them and they allowed to just feel however.
"Sincerely, I don't believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe we get to choose what kind of reason we bring out of chaos"... Absolutely beautiful words❤. Life is wild, sometimes really good, sometimes really cruel. My heroes are those brave humans like you that keep fighting even when chaos get worse. I admire people like that.
@@lindilotter6042 generally, validation, primarily just listening rather than responding and letting them know you are always there for them if they need to talk or a shoulder to cry on as well as asking them what they need/what you can do to best support them since everyone grieves differently.
@@lindilotter6042 I can only speak from my personal experience. When my daughter was killed, the most meaningful thing was the fact that people cared enough to approach me and express their condolences. I guess it really didn't matter so much what they said, but the trite cliches (like those in this video) were less well received. An honest, heartfelt "I'm sorry" or something along those lines was probably the best thing to say. Natalie hit on something major in her reply; be willing to listen. I can't tell you how frustrating it was when I tried to talk to other people about it, but they kept blathering on (usually about themselves). I actually didn't find anyone who was willing to just shut up and listen (apart from my wife, but she was dealing with her own grief). I know their yammering was a defense mechanism, since practically no one likes talking about death. That made it even more awkward, though, since it felt like I was being a burden on them just for trying to talk about my grief.
Yeah, one of the best condolences I heard was "this sucks and I'm so sorry. You are allowed to grieve and be sad, don't bottle it up. You don't have to tough this one out."
I had a miscarriage and all I heard was "there was something wrong with him so he is better off." Well the doctor did check me and the baby out said nothing was wrong with either of us, sooo.... I do however believe that he was meant to be an Angel or in Heaven. And I have peace knowing the first thing he saw when he opened his eyes was Jesus. But yes to all of the above.
I really hate "God doesn't give you more than you can handle", partially due to my personal aversion to religion, but in big part because if it were true, my brother wouldn't have killed himself at 15.
I also dislike this one. look at the statistics for amputees'. 97% suffer from depression. The suicide rate increases significantly. obviously these people were given more than they could handle
@Elio my leg was amputated 12 months ago, I have some relatives that are very religious (I am an atheist) did they visit me in hospital? No. did they offer to drive me around? No. Did they talk to me on the phone? No. Did they send me a brand new bible? Yes
I lost a sister to a drunk driver.. and many family members turned away from their God saying “how could a living god let this happen?” Well my belief is that if your not in communication with your god .. then things “could” happen to Ararat a conversation .. I also believe that sometimes things are done to start an action.. would Jo have done these videos had she NOT had her accident while riding a horse.. I will say she posted a lot of videos that helped me after I lost my leg
I’m personally religious and I still hate this one. It’s NOT biblical in the slightest. It confuses people and makes them feel weak. I hate it SO MUCH and I constantly want to smack people that say it.
Why can't people ever just say "I'm sorry, that sounds really rough", "That's a lot for you to deal with", "I'm glad you told me what's going on", something that just acknowledges what you are communicating, instead of trying to scrape up some trite cliches that generally just sound dismissive or diminishing? You don't even have to pretend to understand if you can't relate, but it still shows support.
so I noticed part of it is generational. My generation was literally taught to buck up and show your strength over adversity because showing you're suffering is asking for attention or being dramatic. So all the "comfort phrases" were based around supporting that "buck up" goal. It was terrible. I remember being a kid and telling my family I was being bullied and they'd be like, "You're just really easy to pick on! You have to toughen up!" The mentality of the 80s *really was* that the child was the problem and had to be molded and toughened by the world/family/bullies. It's so toxic, and led to millions of rejecting and dismissive plattitudes in place of actual connection.
I hate it when I hear "Oh yeah, my friend's brother's sister's cousin's daughter's best friend has that". In my experience these people believe they know more about your current situation then they do. Or "If you believe you will be better you will be". As if it is that easy! I do LOVE "Not every day is a good day but there is good in every day".
I think these can be helpful things for someone to say to themselves, but rather insensitive and lacking in empathy to say to someone else. I too quite like "this too shall pass".
"It could be worse!" I *100%* agree with you on this one. Because when you flip it around and turn it upside down and read the small print that's saying, "You're making me uncomfortable to see you suffer, best chin up and look braver~!"
And it's so pointless. Like I'm gonna go, oh you're right, I only have THIS condition, let me reflect on if I had this OTHER condition because navel gazing on what you've suggested is really what I should do with my time instead of *dealing with whatever could be worse.*
My favourite has to be Where there’s a will there’s always a way, I have used this so much for my health issues and whenever someone tells me I can’t or there’s no way, or no.....I revert to this saying to get through what ever problem or bump in the road I’ve run into. And I can honestly say it has helped me fuel my energy and motivation to change things around or find a solution. So I highly rate this saying 🤗🥰🤗
I use this saying too, but only to myself. I don’t say it to another person because if said at the wrong time, it causes more damage than good. Though I am also willing to accept that sometimes, to quote a past therapist, life just sucks.
I actually enjoy the "This too shall pass" because I find timing life extremely difficult, so I tend to overlook the good that is happening right now and to focus on the negative as if it weren't going to ever end. So telling myself "This too shall pass" keeps me grounded!
Everything happens for a reason/it just wasn't meant to be were the things I heard most while struggling with secondary infertility, through 4 miscarriages. I agree with your 'burn it' assessment. It still makes me seethe with anger to hear them.
"this too shall pass" is kind of my personal mantra whenever I'm going through something tough but I also feel like if someone said that to me while I was at my lowest I might punch them in the face
Same with 'it could be worse', fine to say to yourself sometimes, just don't say it to someone else unless you're absolutely sure you know what you're doing..
“it could be worse” is one of those things where I am the only one allowed to say this to me, because when I say this to myself it actually helps, but never ever would I say that to another person, that’s incredible invalidating.
"I know you're going to do well" Bam! And just like that, anything you could ever achieve at best, is break even. Oh and don't expect acknowledgement or a pat on the back.
There’s a lot of cliche sayings that I hate, and you mentioned most of them! I’ve only recently learned that there is such a thing as toxic positivity and I was like “aha! There is a term for that really unhelpful, shallow attitude that most of society thinks is the answer to everything!” I am mentally ill, and when I’m not doing well, it doesn’t help when someone tells me to just think positive-it actually hurts, and I feel defective and guilty for being so negative and unable to control my brain. But now I’m learning that it’s ok to feel my feelings! Also, I would love to see a tier list about things people say to amputees. As I mentioned, I am mentally ill as well as having a chronic illness, so I am passionate about learning about disabilities and breaking the stigma about them! So I’d love to learn more about your experience as an amputee! 😊
That's so true about feeling guilty for not getting better! I've felt that too. If you're feeling up to it check out Jo's other channel Trauma Talk but content/trigger warning she addresses some very difficult topics ❤️
This was such a cool list! I fully agree with burning 'it could be worse' and your anger at the false positivity of 'choose happiness' and 'think positive'. Another one I would like to burn is 'time heals all wounds' because some wounds fester and grow worse unless you actively deal with them. Also, 'this too shall pass' was the one thing that stood solid for me when I had a mental breakdown a few years ago. Just knowing it wouldn't last forever was enough to keep pushing through.
That was fun and for the most part, I agree with your ranking. The problem with many cliches is that people don't know what any individual is going through or has been through. In many cases, it is multiple things. We need to go through our own process before we can move on and we all have different timeliness.
I really like the cliché "this too shall pass." I know it isn't always helpful to hear, especially when you want someone to listen and validate what you are going through. However, I tend to fall into the trap of believing that my now will be my forever (I think a lot of people do this) and it is really helpful to remind myself that what I am feeling currently isn't what I will feel for the rest of my life.
i lost part of my leg 2 years back, but it was able to be screwed back on. I've had so much trauma from dragging around a fake leg (made out of my own meat) that i can't feel and can't remove and that weighs a ton. You really help me. You understand the depth of how much this hurts inside and out.
"Everything happens for a reason" - yes, it does, it's called cause and effect, but it's not very helpful. Also, no one is going to lecture to a kid making shoes in a factory about capitalism and labour laws.
silence is gold ... that is why .. PS. I have to revise this cliche .. so many times I felt silence was like indifference .... D but silence with kind look is definitely gold
Hi Jo just saw this post now so dont know if you'll ever read this but thank you for this topic. As a person with chronic pain, anxiety, and depression these cliches do not help me at all. In fact, some of them I find offensive because they diminish what a person may be going through at the time. I agree with the other comments that said just supporting a person by saying they're sorry is the best response. Thanks again Jo. I really enjoy your content.
I hear "it could be worse" nearly everyday at work. They say it joking around like "this job is rubbish but it could be worse" or "someone has had something bad happen to them so it could always be worse for us" and i want to get some lego and make them walk on it bare foot like hot coals but lego. I can not stand that. And think positive just aaarrrrgggg.
@@zoerose857 omg really how are you doing Also what medication do u take for pain I take methotrexate and adalimamab in injections I take methotrexate every week and adalimamab ever fortnight
@@zoerose857 well I'd like to say I'm good but im not really My pain has been really bad lately 😕 And I feel like my injections dont work 😕 I'm away from school because of my immune system being low and our school has had a large number of positive tests 🙃 So I'm doing school online Oh well its life Speak soooooon
I hate almost all these phrases, but a phrase I love is by the YT channel The Frey Life that is "Celebrate the little things." I like it a lot because it can be the tiniest most insignificant thing but it is still something that you can celebrate for 2 seconds if your are having a bad day. They have a online store and sometime I will have to buy that cup that has cute plants and that phrase on it.
I like this one too, it’s an open ended cliche and doesn’t cause people to feel toxic shame. I guess I’d say “celebrate the little things when you’re able to.” Some days it might be too hard to celebrate and that’s ok too.
@@buildingamystery74 yeah I agree with you, because they way this phrase has been implemented it is when you can and my problem with other phrases is when it is said to you their is no other option like you must do/feel/think this no matter what. And to me that phrase has just always been open ended to me, also probably because I haven’t been told you must do this with ruins everything with these phrases. Sorry I’m rambling but it is way past when I should have gone to bed.
My personal favourite is say when I'm exhausted from masking (or just daring to have a neutral expression in a public place) and someone says "cheer up, it might never happen", as if the chronic pain, fatigue and low mood I experience constantly "may or may not" be just around the corner. I mean, a) I really didn't need to dwell on that right now but thanks for commenting, Complete Stranger (or sometimes Family Member) and, b) yes, those things are always just around the corner because that's literally how my brain works 🤷🏼♀️
When life gives you lemons, sell them to someone that makes lemonade. Where theres a will theres a way, where theres no will theres a lot of greedy money grabbing family members fighting at your funeral.
I really like “where there’s a will there’s a way” personally! I know it’s not true in all situations, I’m currently IN several situations that no amount of effort could “fix,” but for some reason it really makes me feel good🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️
"it could be worse..." YEah im being attacked by everybody in my class constantly, my teacher doesn't understand anything about it and sometimes sides against me and is not very nice, and i have way too much schoolwork.. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" yeah but that kind of feels like your saying i should be okay with going through this and i wont have any trauma or anything like that.
I think something that is really important is the timing of when you say these things. If someone told me to 'choose happiness' after I just found out a friend died that would be infuriatingly insensitive. But I was raised by a very positive family who did instil ideas of gratitude and positivity in me during good times, which I really think has made me better at coping during hard ones. I think several of these sayings aren't inherently bad, they just have appropriate times and situations to be used
Hey I just found your channel and it made my week. Your story and your outlook on life is an example that I want to follow. Also I love your sweater in this video
i like the phrase "this too shall pass" purely bc of a song i heard on welcome to night vale. the worst cliche i heard was actually "choose joy" from my father in reference to my depression. tw disordered eating/fatphobia (he also said my weight, 220 lbs on a 5'2" person, showed that i was failing and, in response to my concerns about a possible eating disorder, he said he was worried about my weight, so. i shouldn't really be surprised.)
I really enjoy this. I think you should do one on things people say to amputees. I’m about to put up a video on my channel combining the two topics. Good research papers on people trying to form a connection to your grieving process. However just not having the language or understanding impact thereby dismissing or belittling your current lived experience. I’m a below knee amputee 11months who just broke my collarbone with a slip ( without my leg on ) caught myself from falling. And even in Covid with a cohort of 3 adults that I see regularly it is ridiculous what I hear. Now I am educating them. I just can’t stay quiet anymore. Keep up the good work
The 2 best cards I received after having leg surgery due to bone cancer said: 1) “Please let me the the first the punch the next person who tells you everything happens for a reasons.” 2) “If this is God’s plan, God is a terrible planner. (No offense if you’re reading this, God. You did a really good job with other stuff. Like waterfalls and pandas.)” Also, as a preacher’s daughter “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle” is so not biblical! Thank you for your videos! As am I am in the middle of deciding whether or not I should move forward with an amputation after finding out my cancer has returned, your videos have given me a great deal of hope!
My thing with "Look on the bright side" is that I always immediately hear the lyrics from Monty Python's "Always Look On The Bright Side of Life" - specifically the "life's a piece of sh*t, when ya look at it, so always look on the bright side of death ~insert whistling~ " When Life gives you lemons always immediately triggers my memory of the Cave Johnson rant from Portal 2 where he's comically shouting about how obnoxious the statement is: “When life gives you lemons, don’t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don’t want your damn lemons, what the hell am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life’s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I’m the man who’s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I’m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!”
I’ve said a version of “It could be worse” once. My friend wouldn’t stop complaining on an annual hike and camp out, the previous year I was on crutches because of my chronic pain. I said, “At least I’m not on crutches again!” She glared at me and said, “Well last year was your fault.”
I personally hate everything surrounding the whole “You’re beautiful just the way you are!” stuff. I grew up hearing this so much that the fact I still didn’t believe it made me feel like I’d failed. One of my most empowering moments was realizing I didn’t have to be beautiful AND I DIDNT WANT TO BE. I will never be beautiful, or at least I’ll never believe I am. But I can be strong and tough and, I don’t know how to describe this but, dense? I’m short and I want to be strong. And I can work towards that.
I have two anecdotes: - as a non native English speaker, even with a passable level of English I initially wasn't aware of the saying "when life give you lemons..." And as I adore lemons and anything sour, I first thought lemons in the metaphor were like "something very enjoyable". Yup... - the "it could be worse" one is something a colleague told me when I just came back to work in the midst of a post breakup depression for an 8 years relationship (having to deal with the fact that my ex was in the same workplace as me, taking breaks with my friends etc.). The colleague had an ankle sprain and he said "you and me are in difficult situations but dwelling over them would be very selfish, it could be worse so go drink a glass of water, breathe and come back and be happy about being healthy". I would have tossed him in the fire (virtually).
My current favourite version of the lemons: Life gives some lemons and some lemonade, but those with lemonade have to be content with it, while those with lemons can choose to make lemon meringue pie. Basically meaning some people start with life handed to them on a plate but they have to be content with that style of life whereas some less fortunate actually have more options to choose where to go in life.
I like “when life gives you lemons, throw those into he freezer and throw at those making your life hard.” 😁 Hate the God-one as it assumes that I am a believer.
You can do a lot with a raking chart and a lot of things you could rank I think if things happen they only happen at the right time when you are ready but I think you should do a live of this type of thing and you could turn it in to a hole lot more like fun ones like Xmas rankings of thing you eat at Xmas etc oh just think of the possibilities
I like everything happens for a reason because I think it’s true, whether it was a good reason or not I do believe that where we were have a huge effect on where we are and where we’re going, but it should be used as a reflection not as something you tell someone who’s having a hard time
I think your ranking is quite reasonable. In general, I don't like cliches and try not to use them. For some people, they are an easy way to respond to something without investing a great deal of thought or concern. In that vein, they often ring hollow even though they are well intentioned. I prefer comments that show some actual thought and emotion. Way back when I was in college, the guys in my dorm developed a cliche that was universally applied to all situations: "Drink beer and go naked!" Feel free to use that if you like. :)
I watched this video within 2 hours of you posting it.. I wasn’t going to post a comment(didn’t want to be snarky).. I believe that everything happens for a reason.. I had a wok accident .. I gave a coworker too much credit and I thought that THAT was my reason.. well my wife told me the other day that our oldest(who is a Marine) mentioned that should he get injured while deployed he knows everything will be OK .. after knowing what happened and was able to see my recovery
Hey James! Thank you so much for sharing your story. 💜 Feel free to be snarky if ever need be! I hope I made it clear at the end of the video (probably should have put it at the beginning) that I realize a lot of these sayings not only do really help people but are also deeply held beautiful beliefs, like everything happens for a reason. I 100% respect that - for me, in my life, thinking about things that way has been detrimental, but I've also seen it really positively impact people around me, so these are just my own snarky two cents in the video. 😉 I hope it came across okay - and best wishes for you and your family! 💜
How am I supposed to make lemonade out of those lemons if life didn't give me sugar or honey... or even water? Where am I supposed to get that honey from? Are you going to give yours to me? Yeah, I didn't think so.
All of them are GREAT if said to yourself when you are going thru shit as personal motivation. All of them are horrible if said to someone else to guilt them into conforming.
"Everything happens for a reason" is something I once held as a core belief and nowadays I go back on forth on it, not sure where I stand now tbh because I don't really think about it much. I use it sometimes in shitty situations like "I'd LIKE to think everything happens for a reason so the reason you got rejected for this job is probably because something better is waiting for you..." stuff like that. But tbh I would never say "Everything happens for a reason" to someone who had something seriously messed up happen to them. Like imagine saying to someone who got raped that everything happens for a reason.. in that case, yes, let's burn it.
The think positive one; I had someone tell me that when I was in severe pain from a frozen shoulder and commented on how I fucking hated being in pain (still do). They then got annoyed when I agreed and said that I positively fucking hated being in pain.
For me, "Where there's a will there's a way" is the absolute worst :D I've been so many times in situations, when I needed to make a decision, and all the options required some kind of sacrifice from my part (which is fine, it happens sometimes), and I usually like to discuss dilemmas with friends/family, so I talked with people about it. Almost always someone says this. I hate it, because it suggest that if you don't have the answer immediately, then you didn't really want to find a solution for your problem in the first place. Sometimes makes me wonder if I'm the one who needs way more time evaluating a situation than it's normal :D
On the "Everything happens for a reason" front: It doesn't always have to be a *you* were supposed to suffer. There's a reason why bellies are still empty, why people do not have shelter, why it took Flint years before they finally got clean water. On the bellies still empty front: The reason this continues to happen is because we are not willing to share our own wealth (or it's not currently possible to ensure food is going to everyone in need everywhere in the world). On the why people do not have shelter: The reason this happens is because we subscribe shelter to morality. "If you don't have a home, *you* must have messed up somewhere." Nope. No morality, sometimes life happens. If we took morality away from the reason why people do not have shelter, the reasoning could move into the same reason behind world hunger's existence: Unwillingness to share wealth/no good structure to ensure the wealth goes to those in need. On the why it took Flint years before they finally got water: The US *really* just does not like brown people. I feel like everything *does* happen for a reason on the larger scale, and just...often the reasons suck.
I like, "What doesn't kill you makes you... stranger"
Same 🤣
Oh I love that 😆
@@FootlessJo It's from one of the Batman movies.
What doesn't kill you gives you trauma , a dark sense of humour and harmful coping mechanisms.
@@FootlessJo where can I find a tier list but for people in wheelchairs
“The only disability in life is a bad attitude,” actually the only disabilities I have are the barriers society puts in front of me everyday. Also the only disabilities in my life are the ones I was diagnosed with by qualified doctors. This is definitely my least favourite cliche
Yes! People are literally just broadcasting their ableism and privilege saying things like this and I can't stand it.
My "bad attitude" really IS my disability, but not the way they mean. I have chronic, treatment-resistant depression and cPTSD. The symptoms of my conditions ARE a "bad attitude." I'm profoundly sad. I'm angry. I dissociate. I have no enthusiasm for life. But I can no more become happy on command than Jo could regrow her foot. If only I could get fitted with a prosthetic personality.
"it could be worse" -- my least favorite times I've heard this are when a loved one is super sick. I KNOW IT COULD BE WORSE. I AM THINKING ABOUT THAT CONSTANTLY.
Who thought saying "it could be worse" to a person who has a sick loved one was a good idea in the first place??? Like... ever. Just... why???
Also, imagine saying this to someone with an anxiety disorder... Like... No. Just...NO.
PREACH, ANXIETY FISTBUMP.
it could be worse YEAH I KNOW THAT INTRUSIVE THOUGHT PERSONALLY THANKS
"it's just a phase" I've been deppresed four four years! It's not a phase!
Phases are for the moon. Not humans.
No, not just the moon. Humans have phases, like puberty, it’s a phase in life
@UCPitU3KAWE2DQpcNanPHK3Q youre confusing phases with personal growth
Phases = fake, not true to the person as they "truly" are
Personal growth = person changing who they truly are eventually but atm that is who they are and you have to accept that, will they change? Maybe. Ignoring their current reality for someone who doesnt exist? Feck off
“It is what it is” drives me insane. It’s like saying well the sky is blue. Thank you for adding zero insight. 🤦🏻♀️
My former boss' favorite quote they were really just using when they didn't want to address the issues caused by the hostile environment they repeatedly created at work. Like yeah, it is because YOU caused it to be as it is.
I feel like a lot of these phrases are great when applied to small annoyances, like running a few mins late...it could be worse, or spill your coffee down your shirt ...look on the Brightside at least it happened after your big meeting kind of things but should not ever be applied to big hard life altering things such as grief or illness or anything else.
I can support that.
I'm a pretty big fan of the variant "this too shall pass. It may pass like a kidney stone but it'll pass" lol
I'm fond of "yeah it'll pass, usually first thing in the morning" which informs them what I think this situation amounts to.
I find that we do not tell people “I am so sorry that happened, that sucks, how are you feeling about it- can I help you?”, enough. Lol. Like sometimes we just have to let people know we are with them and they allowed to just feel however.
Yes, this.
Yes! This should be on a billboard with flashing lights and a marching band.
"Sincerely, I don't believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe we get to choose what kind of reason we bring out of chaos"... Absolutely beautiful words❤. Life is wild, sometimes really good, sometimes really cruel. My heroes are those brave humans like you that keep fighting even when chaos get worse. I admire people like that.
Word of advice: don’t say any of these to someone who’s grieving, especially the loss of someone who was really close to them.
Genuinely curious, what are some things that they would like to hear? Just want to educate myself a bit more.
@@lindilotter6042 generally, validation, primarily just listening rather than responding and letting them know you are always there for them if they need to talk or a shoulder to cry on as well as asking them what they need/what you can do to best support them since everyone grieves differently.
@@lindilotter6042 I can only speak from my personal experience. When my daughter was killed, the most meaningful thing was the fact that people cared enough to approach me and express their condolences. I guess it really didn't matter so much what they said, but the trite cliches (like those in this video) were less well received. An honest, heartfelt "I'm sorry" or something along those lines was probably the best thing to say.
Natalie hit on something major in her reply; be willing to listen. I can't tell you how frustrating it was when I tried to talk to other people about it, but they kept blathering on (usually about themselves). I actually didn't find anyone who was willing to just shut up and listen (apart from my wife, but she was dealing with her own grief). I know their yammering was a defense mechanism, since practically no one likes talking about death. That made it even more awkward, though, since it felt like I was being a burden on them just for trying to talk about my grief.
Yeah, one of the best condolences I heard was "this sucks and I'm so sorry. You are allowed to grieve and be sad, don't bottle it up. You don't have to tough this one out."
I had a miscarriage and all I heard was "there was something wrong with him so he is better off." Well the doctor did check me and the baby out said nothing was wrong with either of us, sooo.... I do however believe that he was meant to be an Angel or in Heaven. And I have peace knowing the first thing he saw when he opened his eyes was Jesus. But yes to all of the above.
Yes! Toss "choose happiness" into the FIRE! 🔥🔥🔥
Add gasoline too. 🔥
I really hate "God doesn't give you more than you can handle", partially due to my personal aversion to religion, but in big part because if it were true, my brother wouldn't have killed himself at 15.
I also dislike this one. look at the statistics for amputees'. 97% suffer from depression. The suicide rate increases significantly. obviously these people were given more than they could handle
Exactly.
@Elio my leg was amputated 12 months ago, I have some relatives that are very religious (I am an atheist) did they visit me in hospital? No. did they offer to drive me around? No. Did they talk to me on the phone? No. Did they send me a brand new bible? Yes
I lost a sister to a drunk driver.. and many family members turned away from their God saying “how could a living god let this happen?” Well my belief is that if your not in communication with your god .. then things “could” happen to Ararat a conversation .. I also believe that sometimes things are done to start an action.. would Jo have done these videos had she NOT had her accident while riding a horse.. I will say she posted a lot of videos that helped me after I lost my leg
I’m personally religious and I still hate this one. It’s NOT biblical in the slightest. It confuses people and makes them feel weak. I hate it SO MUCH and I constantly want to smack people that say it.
"This too shall pass" is what I say when I'm constipated..
"This too shall pass" is nice, but I much prefer "The only way out is thru"
Think I'll put that one on my inspiration board...like it!
I like adding to that: "and the only way through is together"
Why can't people ever just say "I'm sorry, that sounds really rough", "That's a lot for you to deal with", "I'm glad you told me what's going on", something that just acknowledges what you are communicating, instead of trying to scrape up some trite cliches that generally just sound dismissive or diminishing? You don't even have to pretend to understand if you can't relate, but it still shows support.
exactly
so I noticed part of it is generational. My generation was literally taught to buck up and show your strength over adversity because showing you're suffering is asking for attention or being dramatic. So all the "comfort phrases" were based around supporting that "buck up" goal. It was terrible. I remember being a kid and telling my family I was being bullied and they'd be like, "You're just really easy to pick on! You have to toughen up!" The mentality of the 80s *really was* that the child was the problem and had to be molded and toughened by the world/family/bullies.
It's so toxic, and led to millions of rejecting and dismissive plattitudes in place of actual connection.
My favorite quote I’ve heard was “Positive people piss me off”. LoL I would have burned this entire list.
Many of these are examples of toxic positivity. Some are spiritual bypass. This is a great video.
yeah
I hate it when I hear "Oh yeah, my friend's brother's sister's cousin's daughter's best friend has that". In my experience these people believe they know more about your current situation then they do. Or "If you believe you will be better you will be". As if it is that easy! I do LOVE "Not every day is a good day but there is good in every day".
someone: cHoOsE hApPiNEsS
me, my psychiatrist, my therapist, and the company that makes my antidepressants: oh my! why did no one think about that?!
I think these can be helpful things for someone to say to themselves, but rather insensitive and lacking in empathy to say to someone else. I too quite like "this too shall pass".
"I'd rather eat sand"
Anakin: ew its rough corse and irritating and get everywhere
Haha glad I wasn’t the only one who thought of Anakin! 😂
I always make lemonade when I get lemons, I love lemonade. One that I would burn that wasn't here is everything will work itself out
I love lemons and lemonade too!!
Everything will work out? Can I ask when that will happen?
"God works in mysterious ways"
"You choose your destiny"
"Depression is a decision"
I'm getting annoyed just typing this crap....😂😂
depression is a decision??? there's really people out there saying that shit??
@@allister.trudel oh yes. "Helpful" think happy thoughts type. 🙄
"It could be worse!" I *100%* agree with you on this one. Because when you flip it around and turn it upside down and read the small print that's saying, "You're making me uncomfortable to see you suffer, best chin up and look braver~!"
And it's so pointless. Like I'm gonna go, oh you're right, I only have THIS condition, let me reflect on if I had this OTHER condition because navel gazing on what you've suggested is really what I should do with my time instead of *dealing with whatever could be worse.*
My favourite has to be Where there’s a will there’s always a way, I have used this so much for my health issues and whenever someone tells me I can’t or there’s no way, or no.....I revert to this saying to get through what ever problem or bump in the road I’ve run into. And I can honestly say it has helped me fuel my energy and motivation to change things around or find a solution. So I highly rate this saying 🤗🥰🤗
I use this saying too, but only to myself. I don’t say it to another person because if said at the wrong time, it causes more damage than good. Though I am also willing to accept that sometimes, to quote a past therapist, life just sucks.
@@AmandaBarncord totally agree with you 👌🏻 🤗🥰🤗
Whenever someone says it could get worse it just makes the situation worse a second later
"It builds character." Have you heard my Mini Mouse voice?
I actually enjoy the "This too shall pass" because I find timing life extremely difficult, so I tend to overlook the good that is happening right now and to focus on the negative as if it weren't going to ever end. So telling myself "This too shall pass" keeps me grounded!
I find some of these can be helpful if I'm saying them to myself, and yet, they feel dismissive when others say them to me.
Totally agree.
Everything happens for a reason/it just wasn't meant to be were the things I heard most while struggling with secondary infertility, through 4 miscarriages. I agree with your 'burn it' assessment. It still makes me seethe with anger to hear them.
I'm angry for you in solidarity. I can't stand hearing this kind of thing.
"this too shall pass" is kind of my personal mantra whenever I'm going through something tough but I also feel like if someone said that to me while I was at my lowest I might punch them in the face
Same with 'it could be worse', fine to say to yourself sometimes, just don't say it to someone else unless you're absolutely sure you know what you're doing..
“It could be worse” is my BIGGEST 👏🏻 PET 👏🏻 PEEVE 👏🏻
I like to say "God helps you handle what you are given" instead.
“it could be worse” is one of those things where I am the only one allowed to say this to me, because when I say this to myself it actually helps, but never ever would I say that to another person, that’s incredible invalidating.
I love the "This too shall pass" one actually
"I know you're going to do well"
Bam! And just like that, anything you could ever achieve at best, is break even. Oh and don't expect acknowledgement or a pat on the back.
This was fun, would love to see more rankings videos!
I'll accept "always look on the bright side" if it's sung.
There’s a lot of cliche sayings that I hate, and you mentioned most of them! I’ve only recently learned that there is such a thing as toxic positivity and I was like “aha! There is a term for that really unhelpful, shallow attitude that most of society thinks is the answer to everything!” I am mentally ill, and when I’m not doing well, it doesn’t help when someone tells me to just think positive-it actually hurts, and I feel defective and guilty for being so negative and unable to control my brain. But now I’m learning that it’s ok to feel my feelings! Also, I would love to see a tier list about things people say to amputees. As I mentioned, I am mentally ill as well as having a chronic illness, so I am passionate about learning about disabilities and breaking the stigma about them! So I’d love to learn more about your experience as an amputee! 😊
That's so true about feeling guilty for not getting better! I've felt that too.
If you're feeling up to it check out Jo's other channel Trauma Talk but content/trigger warning she addresses some very difficult topics ❤️
@@philurbaniak1811 Thanks for the suggestion, I’ll check it out! ☺️ And thanks for sharing, it’s always nice to be reminded that I’m not alone!
once when in my room so gloomy a voice came to me and said cheer up things could be worse...so I cheered up and sure as shit things got worse.....
saying we looked good looking entirely made my day, so thank you so much
This was such a cool list! I fully agree with burning 'it could be worse' and your anger at the false positivity of 'choose happiness' and 'think positive'. Another one I would like to burn is 'time heals all wounds' because some wounds fester and grow worse unless you actively deal with them.
Also, 'this too shall pass' was the one thing that stood solid for me when I had a mental breakdown a few years ago. Just knowing it wouldn't last forever was enough to keep pushing through.
That was fun and for the most part, I agree with your ranking. The problem with many cliches is that people don't know what any individual is going through or has been through. In many cases, it is multiple things. We need to go through our own process before we can move on and we all have different timeliness.
Yes! More rankings!
I loved this video! Please do more of these list videos
I really like the cliché "this too shall pass." I know it isn't always helpful to hear, especially when you want someone to listen and validate what you are going through. However, I tend to fall into the trap of believing that my now will be my forever (I think a lot of people do this) and it is really helpful to remind myself that what I am feeling currently isn't what I will feel for the rest of my life.
It could be worse is a challenge you don't want to win. Worse doesn't make bad better.
i lost part of my leg 2 years back, but it was able to be screwed back on. I've had so much trauma from dragging around a fake leg (made out of my own meat) that i can't feel and can't remove and that weighs a ton. You really help me. You understand the depth of how much this hurts inside and out.
"Everything happens for a reason" - yes, it does, it's called cause and effect, but it's not very helpful. Also, no one is going to lecture to a kid making shoes in a factory about capitalism and labour laws.
Hey jo! Hope your well!
silence is gold ... that is why .. PS. I have to revise this cliche .. so many times I felt silence was like indifference .... D
but silence with kind look is definitely gold
People say this stuff to get a quick, tidy wrap up to you and your problem. So they can go back to their La-La Land.
Hi Jo just saw this post now so dont know if you'll ever read this but thank you for this topic. As a person with chronic pain, anxiety, and depression these cliches do not help me at all. In fact, some of them I find offensive because they diminish what a person may be going through at the time. I agree with the other comments that said just supporting a person by saying they're sorry is the best response. Thanks again Jo. I really enjoy your content.
OMG I got here 50 seconds late.
Love you Jo u re so humerous
♥️♥️♥️
I hear "it could be worse" nearly everyday at work. They say it joking around like "this job is rubbish but it could be worse" or "someone has had something bad happen to them so it could always be worse for us" and i want to get some lego and make them walk on it bare foot like hot coals but lego. I can not stand that. And think positive just aaarrrrgggg.
Cant wait to watch
Gonna watch it right now
Love u jo
From ur 13 year old female subscriber who has the condition JIA
I’m 15 and I have that too!! 🧡
@@zoerose857 omg really
how are you doing
Also what medication do u take for pain
I take methotrexate and adalimamab in injections I take methotrexate every week and adalimamab ever fortnight
@@kaciisummer-leigh7846 I take methotrexate too and enbrel. Hope you’re doing well :)
@@zoerose857 well I'd like to say I'm good but im not really
My pain has been really bad lately 😕
And I feel like my injections dont work 😕
I'm away from school because of my immune system being low and our school has had a large number of positive tests 🙃
So I'm doing school online
Oh well its life
Speak soooooon
@@kaciisummer-leigh7846 same exact thing for me! I’m home too. Hope you feel better soon :(
I hate almost all these phrases, but a phrase I love is by the YT channel The Frey Life that is "Celebrate the little things." I like it a lot because it can be the tiniest most insignificant thing but it is still something that you can celebrate for 2 seconds if your are having a bad day. They have a online store and sometime I will have to buy that cup that has cute plants and that phrase on it.
I like this one too, it’s an open ended cliche and doesn’t cause people to feel toxic shame. I guess I’d say “celebrate the little things when you’re able to.” Some days it might be too hard to celebrate and that’s ok too.
@@buildingamystery74 yeah I agree with you, because they way this phrase has been implemented it is when you can and my problem with other phrases is when it is said to you their is no other option like you must do/feel/think this no matter what. And to me that phrase has just always been open ended to me, also probably because I haven’t been told you must do this with ruins everything with these phrases. Sorry I’m rambling but it is way past when I should have gone to bed.
My personal favourite is say when I'm exhausted from masking (or just daring to have a neutral expression in a public place) and someone says "cheer up, it might never happen", as if the chronic pain, fatigue and low mood I experience constantly "may or may not" be just around the corner. I mean, a) I really didn't need to dwell on that right now but thanks for commenting, Complete Stranger (or sometimes Family Member) and, b) yes, those things are always just around the corner because that's literally how my brain works 🤷🏼♀️
When life gives you lemons, sell them to someone that makes lemonade.
Where theres a will theres a way, where theres no will theres a lot of greedy money grabbing family members fighting at your funeral.
I really like “where there’s a will there’s a way” personally! I know it’s not true in all situations, I’m currently IN several situations that no amount of effort could “fix,” but for some reason it really makes me feel good🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️
I have heard that "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" has questionable origins.
I loved this! I haven't seen the tiered things yet so for me this was fresh and new and I loved it!!! ❤❤❤❤
"it could be worse..." YEah im being attacked by everybody in my class constantly, my teacher doesn't understand anything about it and sometimes sides against me and is not very nice, and i have way too much schoolwork..
"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" yeah but that kind of feels like your saying i should be okay with going through this and i wont have any trauma or anything like that.
Followed you over from Eric Wen's channel! Nice to be here!
I think something that is really important is the timing of when you say these things. If someone told me to 'choose happiness' after I just found out a friend died that would be infuriatingly insensitive. But I was raised by a very positive family who did instil ideas of gratitude and positivity in me during good times, which I really think has made me better at coping during hard ones. I think several of these sayings aren't inherently bad, they just have appropriate times and situations to be used
Hey I just found your channel and it made my week. Your story and your outlook on life is an example that I want to follow. Also I love your sweater in this video
I really like the format of this video, great idea 💡
Your stunning jo I really hate all those stupid sayings they are are always annoying even though they always come from the best place
My fav response to “it could be worse” is “it could be a lot better too.”
i like the phrase "this too shall pass" purely bc of a song i heard on welcome to night vale. the worst cliche i heard was actually "choose joy" from my father in reference to my depression. tw disordered eating/fatphobia (he also said my weight, 220 lbs on a 5'2" person, showed that i was failing and, in response to my concerns about a possible eating disorder, he said he was worried about my weight, so. i shouldn't really be surprised.)
I really enjoy this. I think you should do one on things people say to amputees. I’m about to put up a video on my channel combining the two topics. Good research papers on people trying to form a connection to your grieving process. However just not having the language or understanding impact thereby dismissing or belittling your current lived experience. I’m a below knee amputee 11months who just broke my collarbone with a slip ( without my leg on ) caught myself from falling. And even in Covid with a cohort of 3 adults that I see regularly it is ridiculous what I hear. Now I am educating them. I just can’t stay quiet anymore. Keep up the good work
The 2 best cards I received after having leg surgery due to bone cancer said: 1) “Please let me the the first the punch the next person who tells you everything happens for a reasons.” 2) “If this is God’s plan, God is a terrible planner. (No offense if you’re reading this, God. You did a really good job with other stuff. Like waterfalls and pandas.)” Also, as a preacher’s daughter “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle” is so not biblical! Thank you for your videos! As am I am in the middle of deciding whether or not I should move forward with an amputation after finding out my cancer has returned, your videos have given me a great deal of hope!
My thing with "Look on the bright side" is that I always immediately hear the lyrics from Monty Python's "Always Look On The Bright Side of Life" - specifically the "life's a piece of sh*t, when ya look at it, so always look on the bright side of death ~insert whistling~ "
When Life gives you lemons always immediately triggers my memory of the Cave Johnson rant from Portal 2 where he's comically shouting about how obnoxious the statement is: “When life gives you lemons, don’t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don’t want your damn lemons, what the hell am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life’s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I’m the man who’s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I’m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!”
I’ve said a version of “It could be worse” once. My friend wouldn’t stop complaining on an annual hike and camp out, the previous year I was on crutches because of my chronic pain. I said, “At least I’m not on crutches again!” She glared at me and said, “Well last year was your fault.”
Wow, yikes.
"When life gives you lemons make lemonade. I read that once on a can of lemonade, but I like to think that it applies to life." - Andy Dwyer
"This too shall pass." (Really? When is my foot growing back?)
They say choose happiness like it’s one of the options available to choose from.
I personally hate everything surrounding the whole “You’re beautiful just the way you are!” stuff. I grew up hearing this so much that the fact I still didn’t believe it made me feel like I’d failed. One of my most empowering moments was realizing I didn’t have to be beautiful AND I DIDNT WANT TO BE. I will never be beautiful, or at least I’ll never believe I am. But I can be strong and tough and, I don’t know how to describe this but, dense? I’m short and I want to be strong. And I can work towards that.
I like ✨Follow your dreams✨ even though it’s very cliche 😂
I have two anecdotes:
- as a non native English speaker, even with a passable level of English I initially wasn't aware of the saying "when life give you lemons..." And as I adore lemons and anything sour, I first thought lemons in the metaphor were like "something very enjoyable". Yup...
- the "it could be worse" one is something a colleague told me when I just came back to work in the midst of a post breakup depression for an 8 years relationship (having to deal with the fact that my ex was in the same workplace as me, taking breaks with my friends etc.). The colleague had an ankle sprain and he said "you and me are in difficult situations but dwelling over them would be very selfish, it could be worse so go drink a glass of water, breathe and come back and be happy about being healthy". I would have tossed him in the fire (virtually).
my parents will say "where there's a will there's a way" but only to our cats when they do something that is just. so out there
"When life gives you lemons, just say fuck the lemons and bail"
- Kunu
My current favourite version of the lemons:
Life gives some lemons and some lemonade, but those with lemonade have to be content with it, while those with lemons can choose to make lemon meringue pie.
Basically meaning some people start with life handed to them on a plate but they have to be content with that style of life whereas some less fortunate actually have more options to choose where to go in life.
I like “when life gives you lemons, throw those into he freezer and throw at those making your life hard.” 😁 Hate the God-one as it assumes that I am a believer.
You can do a lot with a raking chart and a lot of things you could rank I think if things happen they only happen at the right time when you are ready but I think you should do a live of this type of thing and you could turn it in to a hole lot more like fun ones like Xmas rankings of thing you eat at Xmas etc oh just think of the possibilities
I like everything happens for a reason because I think it’s true, whether it was a good reason or not I do believe that where we were have a huge effect on where we are and where we’re going, but it should be used as a reflection not as something you tell someone who’s having a hard time
I always try to think positively. I feel what I feel and I think of the positive things. Someone dies they are reunited with loved ones in heaven.
I think your ranking is quite reasonable. In general, I don't like cliches and try not to use them. For some people, they are an easy way to respond to something without investing a great deal of thought or concern. In that vein, they often ring hollow even though they are well intentioned. I prefer comments that show some actual thought and emotion. Way back when I was in college, the guys in my dorm developed a cliche that was universally applied to all situations: "Drink beer and go naked!" Feel free to use that if you like. :)
I watched this video within 2 hours of you posting it.. I wasn’t going to post a comment(didn’t want to be snarky).. I believe that everything happens for a reason.. I had a wok accident .. I gave a coworker too much credit and I thought that THAT was my reason.. well my wife told me the other day that our oldest(who is a Marine) mentioned that should he get injured while deployed he knows everything will be OK .. after knowing what happened and was able to see my recovery
Hey James! Thank you so much for sharing your story. 💜 Feel free to be snarky if ever need be! I hope I made it clear at the end of the video (probably should have put it at the beginning) that I realize a lot of these sayings not only do really help people but are also deeply held beautiful beliefs, like everything happens for a reason. I 100% respect that - for me, in my life, thinking about things that way has been detrimental, but I've also seen it really positively impact people around me, so these are just my own snarky two cents in the video. 😉 I hope it came across okay - and best wishes for you and your family! 💜
How am I supposed to make lemonade out of those lemons if life didn't give me sugar or honey... or even water? Where am I supposed to get that honey from? Are you going to give yours to me? Yeah, I didn't think so.
All of them are GREAT if said to yourself when you are going thru shit as personal motivation. All of them are horrible if said to someone else to guilt them into conforming.
My neurodivergent ass not understanding what some of these mean ngl
Well, this video could be worse, but I'm sure I've watched it for a reason. I probably chose to watch it, thinking it would make me happy.
"Everything happens for a reason" is something I once held as a core belief and nowadays I go back on forth on it, not sure where I stand now tbh because I don't really think about it much. I use it sometimes in shitty situations like "I'd LIKE to think everything happens for a reason so the reason you got rejected for this job is probably because something better is waiting for you..." stuff like that. But tbh I would never say "Everything happens for a reason" to someone who had something seriously messed up happen to them. Like imagine saying to someone who got raped that everything happens for a reason.. in that case, yes, let's burn it.
Hi LOVE ur videos and U❤️😉
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
“Get over it.” Because abuse induced depression is something I can switch off at will.
The think positive one; I had someone tell me that when I was in severe pain from a frozen shoulder and commented on how I fucking hated being in pain (still do). They then got annoyed when I agreed and said that I positively fucking hated being in pain.
For me, "Where there's a will there's a way" is the absolute worst :D I've been so many times in situations, when I needed to make a decision, and all the options required some kind of sacrifice from my part (which is fine, it happens sometimes), and I usually like to discuss dilemmas with friends/family, so I talked with people about it. Almost always someone says this. I hate it, because it suggest that if you don't have the answer immediately, then you didn't really want to find a solution for your problem in the first place. Sometimes makes me wonder if I'm the one who needs way more time evaluating a situation than it's normal :D
On the "Everything happens for a reason" front: It doesn't always have to be a *you* were supposed to suffer. There's a reason why bellies are still empty, why people do not have shelter, why it took Flint years before they finally got clean water.
On the bellies still empty front: The reason this continues to happen is because we are not willing to share our own wealth (or it's not currently possible to ensure food is going to everyone in need everywhere in the world).
On the why people do not have shelter: The reason this happens is because we subscribe shelter to morality. "If you don't have a home, *you* must have messed up somewhere." Nope. No morality, sometimes life happens. If we took morality away from the reason why people do not have shelter, the reasoning could move into the same reason behind world hunger's existence: Unwillingness to share wealth/no good structure to ensure the wealth goes to those in need.
On the why it took Flint years before they finally got water: The US *really* just does not like brown people.
I feel like everything *does* happen for a reason on the larger scale, and just...often the reasons suck.