Why "happy" people end their lives: my story
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- Опубликовано: 18 дек 2022
- Why do people who seem to genuinely be okay, bright, alive, happy - do this? I can't speak for anyone else, but as someone who is often seen in a positive light, here are my thoughts when it comes to the darkness I've faced. 💜
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Thank you. I lost my little sister to suicide, and I can say this. It is *not* a cry for help - it is about a desire to be free of the pain and the darkness. Talking about it honestly is vital, and can be life saving. Bless you Jo.
only the most absurdly stupid people would ever assume it's a cry for help.
firstly, they're dead, so... who's gonna help at that point?
second, if nobody noticed or cared or tried to help in the first place, who would be the hypothetical audience for this alleged cry for help?
third, such claims are designed primarily to shame people who consider suicide, similar to 'suicide doesn't take the pain away, it just transfers it to someone else'.
the first step is for the majority of people to step out of their solipsism and realize that other people are actually real people. and this isn't advice for people with suicidal ideations, this is for fucking everyone else. for the people who ignore their family members until AFTER they commit suicide, and then wonder what happened.
I agree! It’s not a cry for help. My brother committed suicide last summer. It’s just a case of I am tired and I don’t want to deal with it anymore….
I am sorry for your loss. I have a genuine question if I may. Do you think people with strong suicide thoughts can be helped?
The question has 0 malicious intents, I am just really curious because I have an opinion but am open minded.
The only thing is… nobody ignored my brother, they just ignored the fact that he was in pain and weary of putting on his “happy face “ to the world.
@@The1stKing I don’t know, I very often feel like it… I absolutely won’t because I adore my mother and one of my children. For myself, I just feel as though I am surviving and not really living. The problem that I see with myself is that I am only surviving so I don’t make others sad 😞
I’ve never heard this explained so well. My coworkers call me little miss sunshine. I’ve had friends tell me they wish they could be happy all the time like me. People constantly lean on me and tell me I’m such a great listener and I give the best advice. The few people I have opened up to are shocked when I tell them I have to take anxiety medication and antidepressants just to function. They’re shocked when I tell them about my childhood traumas. They’re shocked when I tell them I’ve struggled with dark, scary thoughts since I was a teen. They think because I’m always smiling, I’m funny, I’m personable, I listen to upbeat music, I wear bright colors, that means I’m happy. Generally, I guess I am. But those depressive thoughts can take over at any moment. Check on your “happy” friends. Be there for them. They might really need someone to care.
First of all, I salute your courage and persistence in coping with so much. But those coworkers and friends sound like lunatics to me. What kind of person genuinely believes someone else is happy all the time? Are they serious? I mean, not just about you, but about life and people in general. I hope you do have some real friends who also have some warts and problems, even if they are not the same as yours. It's important to have one or two people in our lives who understand struggle and don't turn their eyes away from it. Hugs, girl.
@@Judymontel thank you. It is a weird thing to hear! I don’t think I’ve ever thought someone is always happy even if I’ve never seen them upset. Quite the contrary, when someone I know is really funny, I always think it must stem from something, as comedy often does
@@raigenhuss7030 Right? Makes you wonder.
I think so many people in general just have dealt with their own struggles whether they are “happy” or not. Humans often view things as black and white, thinking happy means you feel good all the time. No happiness is constant. That’s not realistic.
Right. Some people are generally sunny and positive, some generally negative. Some people are outgoing, others are introverted. And none of that has anything to do with who suffers from depression. Depression can affect ANYONE. It's not an attitude or a mood, it's a brain chemical imbalance.
Because of my neurodiverse nature, sometimes I feel like I don’t belong here. No group understands me. I always do something wrong even when I think I’ve done my best to fit in and be like everyone else. If your opinion differs from others, they attack you emotionally. Your videos make me feel a sense of belonging in the world.
I promise the one thing we all share in common is that we feel alone. It’s rough sometimes and very overwhelming, and it’s true we may not be understood in the moment but there are people who will come into your life that it matters to them to try to understand. Us neurodivergents can sometimes have trouble understanding ourselves truly so just give yourself and others patience to “learn you” because it make be hard but you are worth it for you and there will be those who want to know you too and will take that time.
As if I had written this comment. I have the same struggle and I am 35 years old. However, I have found a group of friends here and there who do understand me.
Edit: Well, except I am not neurodiverse.
Yeah I call it I’m from another planet syndrome I just try to stay buried in my hobbies and work🥰
@@staytonmatter3793 i do the same thing: just bury myself in my art cause I don't feel like I fully fit in with anybody.
I felt like I was the only one who feels like this but to hear others have the same or similar feelings is very welcoming. Dunno what else to say but thank you.
I like the idea that "You don't owe your depression Honesty, depression isn't going to fight fair, so why should you?"
I love that 💜
But, but, but we absolutely do own our depression honestly! It’s coming from ourselves or something from our past!!! Don’t be a Generation Z ughhh
@@Beachbum471 yes and no…every case is different…
@Deb Braun Jaded Millennial here. I don't have the context of my thought process from when I watched this, but I don't believe in fighting fair with mental health.
I'm not going to fight on the terms that the enemy -- depression -- sets. I'm going to cheat and lie and steal in the fight for mental health. Forget "Any means necessary" lets talk about "Any means available". Depression shows no quarter, why should I?
I mean, I've cut people out of my life in pursuit of this goal. I'm in therapy. I'm prescribed medications.
I don't know. That's what I got.
Maybe you can take a nap????
As someone who has gotten a LOT of tattoos over the past couple years, I think they're a great coping mechanism. Not only do I find the actual tattooing process oddly meditative, the art is meaningful (to me) and also stops me from doing any possible self injury to that area. As you said, sometimes we do whatever it takes to get through the moment, one moment at a time
That is a brilliant idea to combat self harm. I may steal your idea.
@@williamalexander7481 I’ll second that notion. That’s actually really clever.
Same same!!
I agree with this, it gives me something to love about my body.
Couldn’t agree more! I started getting my scarred arms tattooed as a way to honor the hardship I went through, I was feeling so much better so it was for me only, it was not to cover up. Then a year later I hit rock bottom and then I noticed how they stopped me from hurting myself again. All the best to you
My mother was a truth teller, not a people pleaser. But like you, she spent much of her life struggling with chronic pain and depression. She was better at being positive for others, especially strangers, than for herself.
Her health finally gave out about a year ago. She accomplished amazing things in her life, and made it to her late 70s. But her inability to fully love herself made the last years of her life horrible in ways she never would have wanted. My dad took amazing if imperfect care of her. But she still didn't feel loved or taken care of. So she got angrier and angrier, and lashed out constantly. While she was getting our absolute best, all she could tell us was how inadequate it was. Worst of all, she could only hear what we said about her perspective as anything but criticism, rather than a reason to try to see how much she was actively being loved.
If you don't learn how to love yourself when you're young, mentally sharp, independent, and busy, it's _really_ hard to be old, dependent and unable to do much but sit with yourself. You can become ungrateful in ways that would shame you. Because the dark feelings you have for yourself can obscure the warmth people give you. You'll project the feelings you have for yourself on the people around you. And you'll probably both resent them for any independence they expect of you while simultaneously resenting any they don't give you.
If you have chronic health issues, you probably need to learn how to be comfortable constantly being taken care of to be who you'd like to be in your old age. Not the one who's got everything under control. Not the one who always pushes themselves. You have to be OK with not being in charge of everything around you. And you have to be ok with just being.
This is such an insightful comment thank you for sharing. Never once considered the idea that it’s best to learn how to love yourself when you are young, but it’s true. Thanks for the motivation
Oh wow yessss... so true. If you dont accept yourself lovingly, your capacity to love and accept others will slowly become less and less, at least that has been my experience. Joy and kind humour and the ability to enjoy the good things will fade slowly. The light in you will become weaker and weaker. Anger, resentment and ultimately hate will be the result.
My mom is the same. Perfect on outside, miserable on inside. Never happy with the care she gets. The more she gets the angrier she is.
thank you so much for this comment and sharing this story; it has given me a lot to think about as I deal with my parents aging. Wishing you and your family peace.
Anyone who has worked with the elderly has seen gentle people become agitated and difficult. Likewise, people who were nasty when younger can soften in later years. It is just one of life's peculiarities.
Hi, Jo. I'm a 13 year old girl who is really struggling with myself and my self worth. I have watched nearly every one of your mental health videos and watching you be able to be that bright light for me and still be able to be vulnerable with so many of us through a camera and screen means a lot to me. Being able to see you cry and waver and admit that life is hard but will get better has helped me through my darkest points. THANK YOU.
You don't know me at all, but I am glad you're here. I hope you continue to chase the light and know that you are loved.
Those are such beautiful words you have written for Jo. From someone else (age 51) who has struggled with considerable past trauma and major depression, thank you for sharing your most eloquent words with Jo and the rest of us. You clearly have a very large heart full of empathy, never be afraid to use your words to help raise others as some of us possess the gift of light with which to help raise others spirits. If only raising our own spirits came as easily, but I am grateful you have found Jo to be your source of light! 😊
I've been through a lot.
Self worth, bullying, issues with my family.
I'm 37 now and today I'm happy I didn't end it.
There still is quite a lot to improve on my end, but life seems to have a tendency to somhow work out in the end.
Hey, I'm a mom of 2 girls. My oldest has dealt with OCD, depression, low self esteem.& bullying. It is a hard life, I know, every step of the way. She is 32 now, and I still see her struggling at times, but she has pushed on and has college degrees and a career helping others. Just please, please know that there are people who love you and want the best for you in the life you have ahead.
I’ve been there and it really sucks but know that even through the internet people are here for you and that you are not alone and that you are loved ☺️.
I'm 60 and just tired of living. Day to day life just seems pointless. I'm a critical care R.N. that is exhausted. I have no friends and my daughters live far away with busy lives of their own. The only reason I don't take my life is knowing the pain that it would cause... Thanks for the video.
Aw man. Hang in there. I recommend some online forums with people your age and try and make friends.
Look up 12 step telephone meetings, they can help with managing hopelessness and loneliness
Hug.
I noticed the sentence 'I'm a critical care nurse and I'm exhausted'
I worked in the medical field for years and I felt it was making me emotionally sick.
I found a way out and although it hasn't been a cure all, I do feel more aligned in my life now.
I feel the same. I dont see anything can improve my situation even talking to someone. Either way i have to go through life whether i talk to someone or not.
When you retire life should be happier. If you have a stressful job life is hell, and you can't cope as you get older.
Because appearing happy and truly being happy are 2 different things. Also, you can temporarily be happy while being depressed. And even if someone is happy with most things in their life, there could be one thing in their life that feels just all consuming and can drown out all other happiness in your life. And things like underlying mental health conditions and chronic conditions can make things difficult to move forward.
You will get there. You're taking the right steps. If you ever need to chat with someone who's been there, I'll be here.
It reminds me of Robin Williams. When everyone said he was such a light until he passed away. You never know what is going on behind closed doors, and that's why it's so important to put it out there and try to be vulnerable and genuine. It's not good that we close away these emotions as bad and encourage people to show the highlights and positivity all the time. No one is perfect, and we all have our moments. It makes it all the more important to share them.
@@laurenkathleen2221 Robin Williams also had Lewy Body Dementia, which certainly did not help.
This is a good, very brief summary of depression.
Very well said! Don't hear or see it enough that you can be 'happy' and sad/depressed as well.
I am not a “happy” person, I can never mask my own darkness. I clicked on this video to understand better the minds of those similar to you and safe to say, I’m shocked at how similar the feelings of depression are, the only difference is the specific coping mechanism. Thank you for sharing!!
Azuki B Society has Brainwashed the World to be a Horrible, Miserable Place. Then they tell you that if you work hard then you will be Happy !!!! It`s all a big load of LIES. The way to be Happy is to ignore what everyone else wants and live your own life !!!!
💙💙💙
I've fought severe depression since 2009. Music and movies have brought me this far. This quote from my favorite movie (Castaway) is always on my mind: "And I know what I have to do now. I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?"
Please remember when your sitting there in the middle of the night. You Are Not alone. All of those that came before are with you. Your dogs are with you, We are with you. I am with you. One day, one hour and one minute at a time. Don't throw away your confidence of the light, that is coming.
No one likes seeing unhappy people. They say “just be positive!” “Distract yourself!” So that’s what I do. Act all bright and cheery and fill my time with meaningless activities. But at the end of the day I’m still depressed and the other side is loudest when you’re alone with your thoughts at night.
"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls: the most massive characters are seared with scars."
Never give up!
Thank you for discussing this important topic. You have a powerful voice and use it well. Stay strong and never fear!
" Seared with scars" I agree
Stay strong but also be kind and loving to yourself when you cant be strong anymore, when the depression overwhelms you, dear Jo. We all need sometimes a good friend, some help, some loving kindness. We all need to show sometimes our vulnerability. It is a gift to others because then you give them the opportunity to help, to use their humane characteristics of accepting you totally, if empathy, of being kind and understanding. We are human beings, we need other human beings. We have a heart and a soul and an intellect. We live in a wirld where loads of people believe the intellect if human beings should be stronger than the heart, that we shiuld become a totally self sufficient person and that if you are not able to be always mentally healthy you are weak or not fun. These beliefs make so many people feel terribly lost and alone. We need a goid sense of community, not tje criticising condemning gossiping extremely competitive kind, but the warm accepting realising-that-everybody-is-on-their-way and-nobody-is-perfect kind of community. Part of my saying yes to the wuestiin do you want to live and no to the question do you want to die is because with all my shortcomings andvstrengths i want to help build as much as i am able to, this kind of community.
I saw this title and clicked IMMEDIATELY. I was terrified that this was a goodbye note...and so relieved it isn't. We love you. If there's LITERALLY ANYTHING I can do, please reach out.
At my darkest, I found a coping mechanism that helped me - and I'm only mentioning it to see if it sparks your creativity. You talked about the future in the video - I found that was too big for me. On a bad day, I worked very hard to find something about tomorrow that I wanted to see. I let my curiosity be my light - I didn't want to miss tomorrow, as I wanted to see how it turned out. I'd worry about the day after tomorrow later.
I know you'll find a way. Please know you have a lot of friends you don't know out here, and we have your back if you need us. You're someone I wish I knew in real life. I'm rooting for you. See you on the Internet...
I love that idea about tomorrow. 😊
The big event that inspired this reminds me of Robin Williams just over 8 years ago.
You are definitely not alone in the fight. I can’t speak for everyone, but I understand exactly where you are coming from. I hope that you feel safe enough with people in your personal life or members of this squad to reach out when you need a helping hand.
Robin Williams was diagnosed with an aggressive form of Alzheimer's. Sometimes self-euthanasia is the only way to preserve your dignity.
It's hard to believe it's been 8 years since we lost Robin Williams. It was something much more than depression that took him, though. He had Lewy Body Dementia, although this was not discovered until the autopsy. But it just goes to show that we often don't know the full extent of what someone is struggling with.
Thank you for your attempts to normalize these hard conversations.
For many of us who were raised in emotionally neglectful surroundings, we have ingrained in us the imperative to make everyone else happy. We developed this as a coping mechanism and a survival skill. One of the ways this manifests later in life is the outward-facing "light, bright, positive, sunshine factory" facade which is the performance we put on for the benefit of the people around us. This character we act out can hide some really dark stuff that we have been conditioned to withhold and disavow. So it's heartbreaking to hear when someone so outwardly positive succumbs to the darkness, but it's not altogether surprising.
Just turned 70 and still struggle with this same issue... maybe not every day, but often. I first became aware that I felt this way when I was 40. It dropped me into a black place I almost didn't survive. Therapy saved my life. I learned the work of staying alive... and you're right, it can feel like a meaningless grind. I built a support team. Didn't even know that's what I was doing until a therapist complimented me on the quality of the team I'd put together. They were just friends I found who I could trust to call my self-hate bullshit.
You rock, Jo.
The warrior you have become WILL win.
Definitely get that tattoo.
Put it somewhere you can't miss.
What to do when i see everything pointless? Everyday waking up for no reason. Even the thought of getting old is scary. Always asking myself why going through life if there is nothing to live for.
@@mitch5222 someone here wrote a comment on how he made his curiosity be the light. In a way that he found something he wanted to see how it'll turn out the next day. He didn't give examples but I'm thinking things like a little experiment or something in nature.
oof, felt a lot of that. i'm not really in a headspace to elaborate on that, but i hear you, i feel you, i know what it's like. here's to everyone like us getting better
Keep going
This is a very vulnerable video, and I want to express my appreciation that you made it. Thank you.
The fact that happy people are always up and happy take's a lot of energy. Then happy people get tired of not having the happy, positive attitude given back to them. It's a lot like trying to dig a hole in the water. Then happy people throw away the shovel they were digging in the water with and quit digging and maybe their happy life.
Remember Jo, we (the Internet people) may be strangers, but we are always ready to listen.
Thank you for creating this. My beloved husband succumbed to PTSD through suicide after many honorable years in the US Army as a Specialist. He always told me that he felt his depression & pain was contagious. That we would be better off without him. I was right & he was very wrong...
"Nothing means anything if I'm not here" ....holy shit that shook me
Thank you for your honesty Jo, your really good at putting things into words that a lot of people need to hear.
One of the hardest things I've ever done was understand and admit how "not ok" I really am. Couldn't hide it anymore, couldn't run from it. Facing that reality allowed me to start working on myself.
This road is long and sometimes dark but it is not lonely. Thank you for being so honest.
"Yet" is SUCH an important word. I have a little book where I write questions in life that I want the answers to, but don't have yet. At my lowest, I get inspiration from knowing that there are still things to do and discover.
My furbabies are my strings to this Earth. You brought me tears and my heart sings for you. One day at a time.
As someone who has been taught and conditioned by the school of hard knocks to mask, mask, mask you absolutely nailed it Jo. At least speaking for myself, life has taught me to always outwardly show a brave veneer or when that fails to deflect with humour but never ever show weakness. Unfortunately at the end or the day constantly masking pain, trauma, mental, physical and emotional suffering has a very real cost to my own well-being many times and self care is definitely not my strong suit. It's taken a lot of years of therapy to get to a point where I can at least in some situations admit that actually I'm very much not OK. I haven't yet got to a stage where I feel like I even know what OK feels like just yet but what I do know is that I'm not ready to quit and throw in the towel just yet.
I so recognise this. I am gettimg better but i still have moments where i mask where i should not mask.
I've been struggling over this holiday season, moreso than others. I'm disabled, chronically ill, and on government assistance to the point where I probably will never be off of it. The hard part for me, especially being disabled to the point of complete reliance on government assistance is: whenever a close friend or family member gets married (as with my childhood best friend before Christmas) I realize I can never have that. The way our "social safety net" works means that I can either have any quality of life at all, or I can have a long term partner, marry them, and give up the ability to pay for my medication and specialist doctors. Anyone I live with, anyone at all, is considered a caretaker, so I can't even have a roommate. Social Security would classify them as my "caretaker" and no matter how much money they make, the assumption is it would be enough to cover *all* of my medical expenses, and their daily living expenses. The same was true when my childhood best friend was a caretaker for his terminally ill mother, who passed away in August of this year. Insurance assumed he could quit his job to be a full-time caretaker (he couldn't) so they could only have a caretaker come in a few hours a week when his mother needed literal around the clock care. If you're permanently disabled in this country, you are a second class citizen. You have no marriage rights, unless you lie your ass off and are somehow able to keep the lie going (I know people who went this route-- they haven't been "caught" yet, but if they are, they will lose everything. Everything.) Despite all this, I'm what most people would call a pretty happy person. But that happiness comes, always, with having to mourn for myself, and those like me. It's gotten a lot harder for me to imagine a future where I'm okay, because "okay" is just like now: same second class status, same perpetual insecurity in regards to what quality of life I can expect to maintain, and while I have an incredibly supportive, loving family and friend network, the purposeful isolation that the system imposes on people in my situation takes its toll. I love being happy for the people I love. I love seeing them embark on these amazing new chapters in their lives, but it's a chapter, for people like me, that until something huge changes, is being cruelly and purposefully withheld. So many mental health struggles among the disabled community come from the systems we're forced to exist in, and while I do my best to make the most of it (there is a surreal freedom in being able to spend every day pursuing my passions) the weight of the rest of it bears down in ways that it's hard to let other people see.
As someone that's dealt with this since I was around 5. . .
Start with accepting yourself. You don't have to love yourself, or even like yourself. Start with accepting you are who you are because of your life experiences and the only thing you control is your reaction to those life experiences.
Unfortunately, I'm still working on this. But at least I've somewhat stopped self-loathing.
As a survivor of suicide, I still struggle to live for myself, and often remind myself that I'm allowed to exist for other people. On good days, I can look for my own reason for being. On bad days, I can lean on others and remind myself that it can't stay bad forever.
I couldn't help but to giggle at your tattoo plans. Yesterday was my one year anniversary of my last psychiatric hospitalization, which was my 7th hospitalization of 2021. I knew it could be a horribly dark day or I could purposely celebrate myself and what I've accomplished in the last year. I decided to get a tattoo to celebrate. I got an arrow, nothing unique, but I love the metaphor that sometimes we have to be pulled back before we can shoot forward. I'm still fighting hopelessness a lot, and understand oh to well what you're talking about in this video. Thank you for sharing your truth, it helps knowing I'm not sitting alone in this darkness even when it seems I can't see even an inch in front of me. One day we'll be out in the sunny meadow again, but for today it's just enough to know I'm not alone. Thank you, Jo!
I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.
Robin Williams😢
"When I lose the ability to picture a future, where I am okay" That is the shittiest part of it, isn't it? I feel like I've been at that point for years now and just keep living day to day and trying to concentrate on the tasks in front of me, but that feeling just never goes away. I don't know what to do to change that...
In elementary, when teachers told the students to write one good thing about everyone in class, mine was always "Brittany is so happy. She is such a cheerful person. I wish I could be that way. And inside when reading them I'm like, "...im not happy. I'm sad and angry, I'm hurt and abused by my parents and sisters. I just don't want ppl worrying about me." I'm 31 now, I have my best friend and her mom living with me and they are my family now. Like a mom and sister and grandmother. I love them. They can always tell when my depression is extreme and always help me and I help them as they have depression themselves. I always tell ppl not to judge a book by its cover. Even the happiest person from my experience is the saddest person in the world. Because they are trying to hide there pain. While others hide it with anger and bullying. I made friends with my bullies when I found out they were bullied, abused and with depression similar to mine. Just try to love one another. Even when it's hard. It can make such a difference. And don't be afraid to talk to your friends when u are feeling suicidal or depressed. Even when u feel u can't do it, TRY!!! It WILL be worth it
Honestly at my worst/lowest point, saying to myself “I can end it tomorrow instead”, every day, was the best I could do in order to continue on. Also simplifying your life as much as possible so you can accomplish a ton of little goals and improve your self esteem helps. That could mean things like baby wipes, deodorant, and using an on the go toothbrush from your bed.
My wife died last winter and it's crazy how your entire video basically described how I've been feeling since. Wish you the best.
I am getting a tattoo that says "Life is about more than just surviving" and "We're the ones who live". Sounds dumb to many but having to wait to get them done is one of the 2 things keeping me alive. I wish The other one is my dog, Bali, a Mini Aussie, that came home today. Whatever helps, right? Thanks for being so open. I needed to hear some of the things you said, and for that I sincerely thank you 💖 💖
So today, in fact especially the last few hours I've had a lot of these thoughts and desires on my mind. And I kinda just teared up watching this reminder that I'm not alone.
You aren't and things will get better 💕 Just keep taking it day by day and step by step and please ask for help from those around you if you need it. You got this friend 💪🏼
your not alone love. ...gentle hugs or hand holds ... which ever you prefer ;)
Thank you. Both of you.
Some days, all you can manage is to hang on for one more day, just 24 more hours. And that's okay. Just hold on. Sometimes the pain or the emptiness are so bad that you can't promise that you won't choose oblivion. But you can promise you won't choose that YET. For today, it's enough to simply breathe and hold on. And try to remember that no matter what lies the darkness whispers, this is temporary. You need only to hold on, and one day the darkness will pass and you will still be here.
When that happens enough times, eventually you will know in your core that depression is temporary. When it comes, you'll be to say to it, "Oh, hello. So you're here again. Well, come on in. You might as well come in and get comfortable, but we both know you won't be staying." And when it starts its lies, saying things like, "They'd be better off without you," or "They only like you because they don't know the real you," and other such poison, you'll be able to respond with, "Oh, is that what you think?" or "Thank you for sharing," without believing the lie.
Hold on. Just breathe and hold on for one more day.
@@ixchelkali That first paragraph is an accurate description of my experience and how I manage. Just one more day.
However after 11 years of depression I'm just tired, I've had the ups and downs but knowing the ups will come... It just isn't always enough.
I can see the post now in a tattooist forum, "anybody getting a lot of requests for a 'yet' tattoo?" This is the impact of Jo.
It’s reassuring to hear from other people who are expected, by themselves and others, to continue being a bright, calm, caring person.
I had an initial mental health breakdown when I realized I had people pleased myself into a place where I had no idea who I was or what made me happy. The depersonalization when I looked in a mirror was awful.
I felt for a while that I had really been able to get through a lot and identify what mattered to me and who I wanted to be as a person.
Recently I had an epiphany that I straight up didn’t want people I cared about around me when I was heading to the ER for a new health issue. I realized I mask so hard when I’m ill or in pain so it doesn’t hurt the people I love, and that having them there with me made me feel like I was obliged to consider them, entertain them, be in some way “on” while being in 8/10 pain and having internal bleeding. And they have never asked that of me, but I can’t stop myself from doing it. It’s a strange and painful thing to realize how much I isolate and hurt myself with my own coping mechanisms. I’m not nearly as put together as I thought.
I also realized at this point I’d rather go places by myself than go with my spouse or family or even friends. I’m so tired of caregiving, but I can’t seem to stop doing it. It’s heavy and heartbreaking.
I hope you’ve found many reasons to live for yourself, and that I can too. Thank you.
"I cannot only stay alive to make other people happy"
I"m more than half convinced that's the reason Robbin Williams finally cashed in his ticket and noped out. He was so awesome and so, so troubled. I doubt we'll ever find out what that 13th reason was, but like so many others, I wish they'd found something to push that darkness back one more day...then one more, and one more.
I'm with you there. My psychologist and I call it having one foot out of the woods. It frustrates me so much when I look around and I'm back in the woods. Finding reasons for myself have been the hardest. For a long time I clung to the thought that the people living with me would be destroyed. I'm still finding reasons. I felt that painful laughter. I felt the inability to let people help, to trust them enough to stay with you through that dark times.
I find it interesting that we can think that everyone else deserves everything, that all life is sacred and valued, except our own. Getting into all the whys of why I don't think I count is that very uncomfortable work you were talking about, but it's getting me there.
Thank you for sharing.
"Even if it's a TV show that you want to see the end of"
That seriously kept me going for a while, and it meant a lot to hear someone else actually say it - Sometimes we just need any reason to stick around, even a "silly" one
Unfortunately for me that show was Game of Thrones, but I'm better now so it's okay
Holy shit… this resonated so deep with me. I remember telling my mother when I was like 13 that if she knew the real me, she wouldn’t love me any more. And I hate that if I’m honest with myself, I still feel that way at 37 years old.
@irishdanielle13 I read your comment. So you feel that your Mom couldn't possibly love the real you? Yes, she can. You are a part of her. You will always be a part of her. I hope that you can find very soon within yourself even as an adult now, that this is a lie that somehow you received somewhere as a child. You ARE l-o-v-e-a-b-l-e, the real you is WORTHY of that love. Here is some positive messaging for you that can help you counteract the negative messaging that have unfortunately experienced in your life.
Not sure if you're a parent yet but... moms/dads have a superpower and that's infinite love❤️
(Speaking for those parents who have not been damaged beyond repair by their own childhoods)
Huggggg irishdanielle. I know that feeling very well. I hope you find s way to embrace all the aspects of you that make you you... and that you are loved as much as you like and love others. We all have light in us even if we dont believe it and feel we are faking the good others see in us.
@@reign_n_ruin Well, I mean, remember that's not true for everyone. There are literally parents who say they'll love you no matter what but then will beat or kick you out just for being gay. Sometimes, your parents AREN'T gonna like you for ANY reason they find out and don't like, and that should be okay as well, because the one who should matter most is YOURSELF.
Not at all saying their parents are like that, just giving a reminder. There's a reason books like Jennette McCurdy's "I'm Glad My Mom Died!" exists.
@@Kingatje Some kids are born unwanted, it's why so many kids get abused. I know what people are trying to do, but you can encourage them to be honest with their parent without continuing a false stereotype that parents are a complete good, they aren't. Frankly, some "parents" don't deserve kids.
This is why when kids are abused they think it's normal, because they think parents can only love you and that whatever they do is "out of love", when that's sometimes a complete lie. I've known multiple people that got told they were hated and then kicked out the moment they hit 18. And no, a bad parent does not always mean the parent had trauma or a bad childhood, bad people sometimes do things for a bad or just no reason. A bad person doesn't care how good of a childhood they had when they want to do terrible things.
“I have to find a reason for me” to stay alive. Wow. So good
Thank you so much for talking about this so openly! I relate so much to what you’re saying. I’ve struggled with mental health for 15 years or so (I’m 32 now). I’m only scared of two things: 1) losing more people I love, and 2) my own darkness. Like you said, regardless of how stupid something might sound/seem, ANY reason to keep on going is a valid one. I remember so many days thinking, ”well, I can always do it tomorrow” - pushing my end one day forward was just what I could manage for a long, long time. I’m beyond grateful today that I stuck around, because my ultimate dream of becoming a mom came true this year, and it’s better than I could have ever imagined. Being pregnant with and having my son is the biggest blessing, and it made all the trauma and pain I’ve gone through worth it. ❤️
I wish you and everyone else currently struggling lots of love and healing. Take care and I hope you’ll feel much better soon ❤️
Congratulations on reaching your dream, and it turning out more beautiful than you had thought ❤️
You’re describing my life from age 12 to 50, when my first grandchild was born. Sadly, my children were not enough for me to want to stay here. No one knew, and I believed no one would care if they did. I am mostly okay now, although I don’t think I can say I love myself. What I can say is I couldn’t cause trauma to my grandchildren, so with a lot of counseling I know I will be here until my natural time runs out. If I care about myself for any reason, the choice to stay for others would be it.
There's a quote from Doctor Who that has stuck with me since I heard it 10 years ago, even though I'm not an active fan anymore.
"The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice-versa, the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant." - the doctor
The episode in question deals very directly with suicide and mental health (the Van Gogh episode). I still cry when I see it. I thought about it when I heard about twitch, and I think about it when I'm in my darkest places too.
I'm guessing you already know this, but showing your vulnerability and sharing your difficult feelings with friends is as valuable of a gift as showing them your joy. As much as people need to be nurtured and held, they also need to nurture and hold.
Cue "One More Light" by Linkin Park
Thank you for speaking about this. The way your voice trembles, the way unshed tears glisten in your eyes, the raw pain you're putting out there to make us all realise we're not alone, makes me want to just hold you. You let us know we're not alone. You're not alone either, Jo. In brightness or in darkness, you're not alone. You are loved.
The pressure on people with disabilities to be inspirational is killing us. The positive mindset that gets rewarded so heavily is not reality. Thank you for being vulnerable.
This has to be really tough to discuss, I'm so so glad you were candid and vulnerable here with these emotions and thoughts.
My husband's family just lost someone who was the HAPPIEST, most easy-going, kindest person - and they lost him to suicide. It's been so difficult to process because so few really knew that he was struggling so much. This video makes things a little more clear. Thank you
The other day I was following a meditation to get back to sleep, and the teacher was saying things like "imagine comforting yourself as you do comfort your child", this simple phrase made me realize how much knew how to care for others but not for myself (obviously made me cry).
Loving ourselves is so difficult when we've only learned to make others happy.
Also one of the hardest things with depression for me, is how guilty I feel : by unmasking, sharing my feelings and my needs, my loved ones have been unhappy and I just can't take care of them the same way as I did before
You articulated this beautifully. Thank you! I lived with depression for my entire adult life, and somehow found the way out of it barely a year ago. It is like flipping a light switch you didn't even know was there. I'm sure you'll find it. As you said, "yet" is an operative word here.
I'm really not even a positive, bright person. Most of the time, I'm just kind of a person that just gives us myself. I just give until it hurts and just keep giving. Until I have nothing left to give
Sometimes being alone for awhile is good healing for oneself.
This hit me, " functioning in a way that is beneficial to those who see me" This single phrase describes my relationship with people I know especially my wife and children.
I'm right there with you. Didn't realize how much until I listened to this twice. I've never known how to live for myself, and now I'm faced with figuring out how and I have no idea where to start. It hurts so much. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Do your best best to take care of yourself. You matter.
I can relate to this a lot. Especially the part about needing a reason for yourself to keep going. I used to only think about the damage I could do to my loved ones and I also reached a point where I realized that I couldn't keep going for other people alone. Now I think of all the happy times in my life and how they were worth all the struggles I had in between. I have so many moments I can look back on where I was happy in some way. When I met a friend I really connect with. The time I spent with my family. When I read a book I really enjoyed. When I created art I'm really proud of. When I achieved something I had been working for. When I ate something nice. When the weather was beautiful and I actually went outside and didn't let it go to waste.
There are so many things that make life beautiful and they are worth it. I know I will experience happy moments again and sometimes there will even be longer periods of happiness. It has happened before, so it can and will happen again. I have one life and I am going to get as much happiness out of it as I can. So when I finally leave this world I want to be able to say that I tried my hardest to be happy and gave it my all.
"people who love themselves don't do the things that you do" is such a game changer quote for my brain still...
I'm a survivor of some dark times in the past and I really relate to some of the things you said here, even down to the "silly things" to cling to, to keep us here. The last dark time was about 16 years ago and I was trying to reason with myself about why I should "stay here". I was wanting to not be here anymore but I also wanted to find out how the Harry Potter series ended. It was about 6 months until the last book was due out and I thought I could hang on that long. Thankfully I did, and by the time the book dropped I was out of the darkness. I'll always appreciate HP for being that thing that kept me hanging on when I needed it.
Light is not only a soft warming glow, light can also be seering. Light reveals. I think that the work you've put in for growing and changing is part of what your light is about. I think that the fact you're here listening to yourself and voicing this part of you, these feelings and recognitions that I know are so hard to confront is a labor of deep, true and warrior like self love.
When I was younger it would surprise me that many apparently happy people actually had horrid experiences in their lives. I have seen people go from appearing normal to talking about killing themselves in a matter of minutes. You never know what's really behind a smile.
My mom died before I was a teenager and my father committed suicide after a particularly bad deployment. He called me first asking me to meet him a couple days earlier than planned, but I had intentions of meeting up with a girl so I said I'd meet him a couple days later. That was last I spoke with him. A few years later I had a serious motorcycle accident that left me permanently injured. I hurt all the time and hate waking up everyday. I'm not allowed to end myself for my siblings alone and what I took from them by not responding to our dad's only real need from me. Seeing so many people in rehab trying so hard I felt bad even considering bringing it up how much it hurts. So many people keeping as positive as you do I thought I was weak for barely holding it together. Thank you for saying something. I have to take everyday as it comes so your sentiment resonates with me strongly. Again thank you.
A few days ago your shorts started popping up in my recommendations and I’m so glad they did because I don’t know if I would have seen this video otherwise and I wouldn’t have felt such an overwhelming sense of… I hesitate to say relief given the subject matter but you were able to so eloquently verbalize the weird mishmash of sad junk that bounces around my head so much.
It’s very tough to feel I have to be the bringer of light and joy to my friends - especially considering that someone I considered a dear friend, who’s heard a lot of what I have going on, recently went through some trauma and decided to cut me off because I’m too much when I’m depressed. It’s something I’m not naturally very good at doing, but it’s what so many people want from me that it’s hard to even acknowledge that anything else could be going on in my head to them.
And your point about how attaining the trappings of success doesn’t change any of those feelings was such a validating thing to hear. Three months ago I got to fulfill a literal lifelong dream and it was incredible. So much fun. And here I sit, three months later, still fighting to keep my head above water against my depression and horrible self-feelings.
I know I don’t love myself and I’ve been trying for some time. Sometimes I feel like I make progress and sometimes I feel it all slip away. But I can’t thank you enough for this video to help me realize that, as you said, while it may feel like I’m the only person in the world dealing with this, it’s not unique to me. It’s weirdly exactly what I needed to hear today.
Thank you so much. I hope you’re doing well and continue to thrive ☺️
You are incredibly brave to record and post this video ❤ It's so real, and I feel like a lot of people could benefit from following your advice.
You spoke exactly what I feel. And the letting people reward me with gratitude and affection when I don't feel like I deserve it so rings true
I am so thankful that you did this video. I am the happy positive person that doesn't show the depth of my darkness. I have been struggling with finding my reason to hang on for me, I haven't found it yet but I am still trying. Watching this actually brought tears to my eyes because I can relate to this and it makes me feel less alone.
You are not alone
You genuinely made me tear up with that video. You put so many feelings into words that I have always felt. I guess I thought to be worth being around I needed to be a positive force in everyone else's lives and never be a drain on them. It is also so much easier to do things for others and genuinely makes me feel good. I recently realised that I am always the one trying to lighten the mood and make things better and it's never been that I was so happy or uncomfortable around depression that I felt bad for others it even guilty, it's been me desperately wanting to spare others from feelings I know suck so much. I had a simultaneously freeing and horrible experience last year when my grandmother died and I was so not okay for a while. When people started getting concerned and asked me if I needed anything, I replied yes. I asked them to call me or come with me to hard things or drive me or distract me. I guess it didn't feel like I needed to be worth it, it felt like she was worth it. She always told me to "not forget myself", so maybe I wasn't just honouring her importance to me but also her wants for me. Last year was hell for me for so many other reasons because I lost that goal I could work towards by achieving it, which didn't feel as great as it should have, and then lost my purpose and identity which felt like it had defined me since I was a kid and also had too much time to think about other identities and life and kind of lost it. It's funny because my friends would probably tell you that I'm the most mentally healthy and that they are happy for me but I just don't get it. Stupidly, that is what got me closest to seeking their help and understanding because I thought I needed to make them comfortable enough to let me help them by showing them my vulnerability. So the reason was others again. I caught myself not knowing what you meant when saying "finding a reason to live within yourself" and that gave me pause. Anyway, thank you for this video, for sharing and opening up. It cannot have been easy. I hope the moment when you look back on this and feel distant from these thoughts comes soon. I hope that for both of us.
After a huge loss in my life, I did at one time get to that point where I finally understood why someone might end it to stop my own internal pains. And I was lucky enough to recognize that as a tipping point and get help. I know others aren't that lucky. If anyone feels they're at that level, know that despite what your brain is telling you (like mine was) there really are those out there who will help if you reach out. Even if your own family and friends seem distant or unapproachable, find someone, anyone. Because you matter, and are far better than your brain may be telling you. You matter, and you are more than the tragedy your history might try to convince you that you are. Find someone, reach out, you are worth helping, if for no one else than to yourself.
I related to the part about how hard it is to get into life when I can’t envision a fulfilling future for myself.
My late wife lost her life to suicide. It's been 8 and a half years. She was an exquisite, marvelous, intelligent person who suffered horribly from major depression. The world was not made for her, someone who would sometimes just be sad and people who never experienced it could never understand.
She hid everything in her preparations from me using her personal shopping budget we had. We had her in therapy. We were in couples therapy to help her talk about the hard things with me. And we were doing All The Things until she had everything prepared.
She's free from the depression, now. She's free from the world not accepting her for who she was. I miss her, despite having a relationship now that is aware of my past, and embraces my eccentricities from it.
Pain is not always visible. Handicap is not always visible. Even if one is, others might not be. I'm happy to see this message in the world in a big, visible fashion.
I was in a really dark place a few years ago, and I remember on many occasions thinking I had no future, and considering ending it. I still have the occasional moment, perhaps every few months, where I feel like a fraud, but I’m genuinely happy now, and doing things not just for others, but for me as well.
You said you’re not there “yet,” and I know many people who aren’t are wondering if there even is a “there.” I know I didn’t used to think there was a “there,” and only stuck around because I didn’t want anyone to hurt.
Now I’m “there.” I can confirm that it does exist, and it’s worth fighting for.
I can definitely relate to your feelings about life and self worth. I hate to be a downer but at 62, it really hasn’t gotten any better for me. I’m still here because there are others in my life who depend on me and others that really care about me…I would never want any of them feel like I do. I don’t ever want to see other people around me become sad like me. But my positivity is nothing more than an act that I put on for others, mostly. And it’s really a very tiring act to play all the time - very tiring.
I am a 68 year old man and I commented on the video. I know exactly how you feel. You are not alone. I am glad you have people there for you that care but it doesn’t lessen the pain. Most days I just lay in bed and I have lost interest in life. I hope you believe in Christ. If you do a better life awaits you.
“We all have our survival tactics” absolutely. That's so profound and not limited to suicidal thoughts.
I really appreciate openly talking about mental health. We all need to talk more about our struggles with mental health, mental disorders, daily struggles, etc.
I'm doing ok right now, but every day is a struggle. My mental disorders and daily life are a struggle every day and sometimes it just seems like too much. Life is a lot and I hope that with more honest conversations people will realize it's ok to struggle, it's ok to need help, and this isn't the end. 💜💜
I identify with so much of what you've said today, incredibly brave video on a hard subject to discuss. When the manager at my old firm found out I have severe depression and anxiety their answer was "but you're always so happy". Tattoos are good, looking to get a new one soon as they do help for a while, and it gives me something to concentrate on. Thanks Jo, it's always good to know you're not alone.
I don’t know you but I’ve heard “your story” (everyone’s story is unique) told many times. I fight, with every essence of my being, to fix the world and everyone around me, because I am broken. If I fix everyone else, if I am there to support, listen, care for, love everyone else…. Maybe it will fix the broken part of me.
I do this because I know I am hurting but I don’t know how to make it better.
I have heard different versions of) this story countless times.
I used to help run a trauma support group. This is almost a universal voice.
I don’t know if you have experienced early childhood trauma, but I know these feelings are common, in people who have.
I know, for me, that urge to help everyone but too scared to let anyone in to help me.
It came from my inner child. She was lost, alone, terrified, to scared to trust, even me. I unknowingly left her alone and abandoned and hurting. I didn’t know she was there.
With the help of an amazing, trauma therapist (they must be specialized) we found her, I learned to love her, care for her and helped her trust me. All metaphorically speaking of course, but it is amazingly transformative work.
Inner child work, reparenting, maybe even some attachment work.
If this sounds like it might be the right path, feel free to reach out, I may be able to help with some resources.
I am showing up in life not surprised anymore. My question to myself is "What did you think? Life isn't up and down?" Living life for a long while now I look back and it has been up and down. I remember that truth. People that get happy while in "shit on a cupcake moment" and act like they are happy, I choose not to give my time, it is very lonely to be with them as your bells and whistles are going off, and they are not in their body. Perfectly fine they are finding their way the best way they know how. A smile and a hug are what I can offer as they journey. Authentic is beauty, and brings trust to relationships, today your beauty is coming through
To everyone: whether it be on a good day or in your deepest abyss, you matter and you are worth the fight. Always. Although I know how hard it is to hold on to that thought, please hang on to it as hard as you can. Your life may literally depend on it.
I held onto my dogs, and a few years ago I got my own. Last Christmas she was diagnosed with cancer, and a month ago she passed at age 5. This year was bad for so many reasons for me, and being diagnosed with depression due to this: I have learned your largest and strongest pillar that holds you up has to be yours. So many new things happened this year, I moved for school, familiar relationships are strained, my dog suffering due to cancer, chronic pain and APD that is limiting me everyday….You are right, you have to live for yourself, because ONLY living for others is not enough to keep someone going.
"Nothing means anything if I'm not here" is a great f-ing quote! I hope you feel better and you're able to love yourself this year.
I really appreciate the wording “He lost his life to suicide” and not “he committed suicide”
It acknowledges on a very basic level the true causes of death by suicide.
Thank you for talking about this. I can totally relate to a lot of these thoughts. I have battled with poor mental health for as long as I can remember due to childhood trauma. Just as thought I was getting my life together, on Friday December 18th 2020 my younger brother was killed in an accident. I struggle everyday to keep going for myself, right now it’s still for other people; for my children, my wife and my Dad. I have never been able to be ok for me, I have had lots of successes, done lots that I should be proud of, but I’m not proud of myself; I feel like a fraud because of how unhappy I am. I am doing the things (counselling with a good counsellor) talking to anyone who will listen and I’m trying to keep going and growing. Stay strong.
Nobody is feeling OK all the time. Neither I can see what I need to do to feel better. As someone who is also struggling to be OK I just know what I want to do and take it step by step. This is my advice to you too. And try to surround yourself with people that care about you. Sometimes they may be few sometimes they might not be able to be part of your life but if you pursuit it you will always have someone that supports you. You just have to keep in mind that you may be hurt sometimes and even have to cut ties completely just as you might hurt someone without even noticing because of a minor thing that they associate with something major.
As someone who is autistic, I can fully appreciate the ability to mask. If I don't want someone to see how I truly feel to preserve their feelings, or I don't want to admit to myself how low I'm feeling, I put on a mask. I've done it so long, I've gotten really good at it. "Fake it til you make it," except I never really do "make it." The thoughts are there... the darkness is there... would they REALLY miss me if I weren't there anymore? What keeps ME from turning thought into reality is the future. How do I know that if I decide to end it now, something might show up just down the road where if I stuck around just a little longer, it would have made things better? So, I stick around, and I keep looking down that road. "If you feel like you're going through hell, keep going."
Watching your videos is inspiring, even when you're not at your best. Especially when you're not at your best. My heart reaches out to you, wishes you well, wishes it could lend you strength, even though you may not need it. I'm not a happy person, but while I'm not really concerned with making someone happy, I AM willing to help. Always willing to help, maybe because deep down, I feel if I can give someone the help that I wish I could have, then what I need doesn't matter.
I hope you find what makes you happy for you.
Many people have been taught that their worth comes from serving other people and ignoring their own needs. It's hard to love yourself when you've been taught that other people matter and you don't. Even if people say they appreciate what you did for them this time, they can take that approval away at any moment. It's difficult to internalize the idea that you, yourself, have value regardless of what you do for others - but it's what we need in order to love ourselves.
This scared tf outta me I thought something happened to Jo 🫤😕
I get where u r coming from completely... I went through a long term relationship ending and after a few months after it ended, I nearly called it time one evening and only stopped when i was writing the note to my family because I realised I would just be giving the dark place to the people i loved the most and it wasn't fair to them if i went through with it. It had taken myself around 2 years to stay around for myself rather than just for other people and in that time i figured out that I was the one who had to fix me rather than depending on other people or distracting my dark thoughts by help others through their hard times (which is a nice thing to do, but i figured out it was a procrastination method for me to not focus on my own issues). Even though I know i will always have mental health issues, I am better than I ever thought possible now and found that with time I am here for me because I have learned to trust myself again rather than having this numbing doubt about everything and that im broken beyond repair, which i thought i would always feel like... that is no longer the case and I would just say to anyone who has felt that the pain will never end, it will pass. Nothing can stay the same and calling time in your darkness time is never the answer. I never thought 2 years ago I would be happy again, but I'm here. I feel happy again. I feel sad again. I feel alive again. Dont make a permanent decision for a temporary problem. Live your life.
There have been times in my life that I only stayed alive for my cat. I told myself that while yeah, my family would miss me, they'd get over it eventually, but my cat wouldn't understand -- I was very much His Person, and he'd feel abandoned if I died. I've had cats ever since, and I know that if I start spiraling downward, I have a small fuzzy creature who would feel so abandoned without me.
Some times there is a struggle of try to be bright and bubbly to make others happy but then feel guilty they are being made happy by something unauthentic, but then also not want to drag people down/loose who u were when u were happy by being an openly sad person all the time for months/years. Its a strange one
Sending you hugs and love. The tricky thing about living in the darkness is that you can’t see everyone else who is in the darkness with you. You are definitely not alone. Thinking of you. ❤
Now THAT was a tough video to do. Thank you. I see life as a delicate fabric. When one of us ceases to exist, the fabric of society tears and is no longer complete. As individuals, we also have a fabric. Life events can tear it as well. Hence we all need space and time to mend it and make it strong some day. Hugs Jo! Liza - an faithful RUclips listener..
I love this metaphor. I’m just imagining myself with a needle and thread, slowly stitching parts of myself back together….
408 hours. That's 17 days on the dot.
That's how long I just went between dragged down into the deep.
I know what caused the fault, I will learn from it, i will strive and be better from here on.
It's taken me years to get to that point but we can all heal.
I recommend meditation and seeking to commune with the divine, in whatever form or path that takes for you.
Being honest with yourself and allowing something greater to help you, that's what's finally helped me.
I'm clearly not perfectly healed yet, but i think I'm on my way.
Years of thinking it was pointless to continue and I'm now at a point where I can start tot hunk there may be hope...
We can all get there.
May blessings of Kwan Yin be upon all those who need them.
"I did the best I could with the person I was at the time" i say
Jo, you are not alone. You have all of us who watch and listen to you. We hear you and care about you. Deep down inside many of us feel alone even when we are surrounded by those who love us. Feeling alone is dark and can be terrifying. I have been fighting myself, holding back emotions I don’t want others to see in me. In my head I know this is no way to live but fortunately for me I know where this is coming from. It took reaching a point where I had to let it out and I couldn’t hold back anymore. I had what I call a a moment of clarity like never had before because I opened the dam blocking me and once I did I realized things I have been punishing myself for years. I actually put into words that I was responsible for the accident in which I broke my left hip amend right ankle. It was the beginning of a journey that has taken so many years to reach where I am now. I know that I made foolish decisions that night which ended so badly. I know now that I control how well I recover from the latest damage done to my legs. I have to do what is necessary to improve my situation. I have the power and I must use it, no one can do it for me. My physical pain stops me at times but I have to do what I can as I am able to do it. Listening to you and to others on social media has been a Godsend for me. You especially because we seem to have traveled a similar road. You are a truly beautiful and special person and I care deeply about you and your well being because of what you have given to me and those you talk to on your channel as well as that you are worth caring about. Stay well I hope this long winded comment helps you find a way through the darkness to the light. Thank you for being you.