It takes a special kind of person to slowly walk someone through their tangled up thoughts and I don’t know how Dr K has the patience for it, but I am grateful that he does.
when i watch Dr K's video I cry. Always. No matter how much I would hate the person on the other end, he makes me see them for who they are. Without their ego. And I realize that at heart we are all children. Vulnerable, insecure, and wanting of love.
"we are all" as a statement doesnt work, since we are not all the same, which is a basic principle of aryurveda. also, the people who come to Dr.K`s stream ALL have problems, so there is a selection bias. furthermore, there is the meditative state of mind, that is neither insecure, vulnerable or wanting of love. do you listen to dr. K at all?
i, personally, would like to thank this guy for coming on to this talk. i went through such a very similar thing and him voicing his thoughts and emotions to Dr. K makes me feel happy
@@berni2905 well the last girl i had intense feelings for was the same girl that had unrequited feelings for me before i made this comment 2 years ago. since then i haven't really been able to find that same kind of love towards another girl. but i did get better at flirting and talking to girls. i'm still hopeful that i'll be able to find myself in that ideal relationship i dream of but for now, i'm focusing on improving in a lot of aspects. i guess experiencing unrequited love can also provide a valuable lesson on self-love
christ man, listening to him talk is frustrating because this is clearly someone that could just be relatively normal if he hadn't poisoned himself with these weird ass half-baked internet concepts to deal with the stress of his social life
Yup. This is why social intervention and conditioning is so important. But in an overpopulated fragmented competitive society where everyones so busy and keeps to themselves, fewer people have time (or wants to take the time) to help someone at that level. I doubt this guy had a "dating mentor" in his immediate family. Also public sex Ed is really lacking...
i find that this is the case for most people in these incel/blackpill circles. you'd be amazed and greatly saddened by the amount of average - slightly below average looking men think that they are completely disgusting and unlovable
"i wish i just didn't care about anything". That thought has gone through my mind so many times and it seemed like a really good thing. However, if you really don't care about *anything* it is exactly that. It's the same as "i wish i didn't feel anything". You're not just throwing the bad, negative and uncomfortable away, but also the good, positive and comfortable. Life becomes empty.
The timing of his family coming in at the time when he was talking about how fulfilling it is to be In a healthy loving relationship was the universe shoving dr. Ks point in the guests face
This is one your best one to ones conversations so far. That part where you stopped him when he said " I don't want a girlfriend until..." was beautiful. I used to have the same insecurities as this viewer and I hope that he finds his way forward soon!
@@cekaofficialI am unsure about my opinion, but I think a lot of people miss their existing good by always desiring an improvement. Sometimes the small good that we thought was insignificant could be an entire cure for the other person. Improvement is for our own sake, and it should not be taken as a measure of qualification to others. Yes, all these are rational thoughts, not quite true to our emotion, but that again seems to be due to our habit of feeling that we always lack something.
You're right overall, but I agree with them that he really shouldn't have been reading at chat, if that's why he was looking to the side and laughing every 5 seconds.
I'm just guessing, but I have a hunch it's not because of different audiences, it's because how youtube and twitch handle comments that they encourage different behaviors in people. I think it's how in twitch your message is on twitch for a few seconds before it is buried by a barrage of newer messages, so you compete for attention with the other messages. If you leave a nice message it will probably be ignored, whereas if you bandwagon and are an overall duck you might get something out of it. It's also the lack of accountability that comes with having your name and your comment disappear after a few seconds. I personally never understood chatting on twitch channels with big audiences. And on youtube your message is there forever, for anyone who watches the video and scrolls down into the comments, with your account name on it. it's not going anywhere. I wouldn't be surprised if the people who were awful in twitch chat, are being nice here now.
Oh my gosh! Wow! The pie analogy! That's literally my whole life! Now i really know, that I think I'm not good enough. That's(!) the issue! I never really gave anyone a taste! What a life changing epiphany! In my mind it was the opposite. I thought I'm not good enough! Thank you from the bottom of my heart Dr.K!
its a lie though. he found his now wife (gorgeous btw, shes been on stream with him) 3rd year of college so at like 20 years old? and been with her ever since. So Dr. K has NO IDEA the struggle of being a man in todays dating world.
@Jonathan maybe a little bit but men too ^^ if you say women act more like men nowadays. So I'm a woman and I'm obviously biased but I'm more 23 and maybe can share some experiences I've made also talking to a lot of guy friends I have. So most of the guys I know always think they are late in the whole getting the a girlfriend aspect. (I'm also studying chemistry so maybe that brings a little bit context to it) but even guys who had their first girlfriend at 17 think they were late. So what I think often happens men sometimes show infront of other men that they can get soooo many girls even though not all of them do. So that's one aspect that I think plays into this. Another one is that guys just tend to be sexualky active at an higher age than girls. I Mena for women it's a lot easier to get sex that's right but trust me just a little portion of people can handle sex without emotions that well. Even many guys tend to have problems with that and prefer a relationship. That's also with women. I mean also Dr. K isn't that old. Birth control was already invented when he started dating and I have friends in their 30s e.g. struggling with the same problems finding a girlfriend. It just is not that easy to find someone who is attracted to you and to whom you are also attracted and with whom a relationship works. I'm now dating an attractive guy and I really love him but prior to him I had one ok looking boyfriend and one boyfriend who was generally speaking not attractive at all. I got a lot of shit for this and everyone told me why I was with him and the funny thing is he fucked me over and cheated on me. But that's just how it is and people do bad things regardless of their appearance. Also another anecdote. A friend of mine was quite awkward around girls and always wanted a girlfriend. At some point I think he really liked me but I wasn't attracted to him. Like one thing was that he was younger but another one was that I just wasn't in the right place at that time and had to deal with a lot of suppressed feelings. So I chose someone much older and uglier XD maybe a bad decision from my part but it's also not fair to get with someone just because they would treat you great. Because I think that is using someone. So fast forward he has a really good looking and nice girlfriend now (I think they met when he was 22) and it seems like he is really happy. Also she is a better match for him and they do a lot of stuff and are also both really intelligent :) so it worked out for him not being with me and I'm happy it did. In the same way it worked out for me to get with my current boyfriend (maybe not the stuff with my ex).... I just wanted to say that I also struggled to find someone who wanted a committed relationship with me but I think it is just generally not so easy. Otherwise being a hippie and just loving everyone would work for everyone. I hope you could find some ssnse in what I wrote. I think the essence is: I understand you are struggling but you are not alone. And also there are actually a lot of people who want committed relationships but not everyone wants it with you. (same way it happened to me a lot of times) but that's OK. Just keep trying and treat people nicely and it will work out some day :) the guy friend who got a girlfriend after a lot of failed tries has also found a great partner and he was nice and kind all along :)
@Jonathan im happy for you that you don't feel pressure anymore. My current boyfriend actually had a similar mindset. He thinks that if someone comes along with whom it's possible it won't be a problem. But it is still necessary to take some steps towards each other 😅
I love coming back to those interviews and just watch them over and over again. Seeing those people bravely come on stream and talk about their struggles really puts your own problems in perspective. There is something morbidly comforting in knowing that one is not alone with their struggles.
The most important thing that seemed to help Hayden open up was the complete lack of judgement from Dr K. Hayden expected Dr K to have a preconceived idea of what an Incel is and why it's bad and while that seemed difficult for him to work around, since he essentially had to try to explain all the things he feels are worst about himself, it meant that he couldn't associate Dr K with "the haters". Which let Dr K ask some direct and difficult questions without them feeling like an attack. At least, that's what seemed to be the case to me. I'm currently training to be a counsellor and it's interesting to see the ways in which Dr K approaches things and demonstrates the kinds of theory I've been learning. For example, frame of reference. The idea that two people don't necessarily understand the same thing the same way. Which is why Dr K is constantly asking "what does that mean?" It's really more of a "What does that mean to you?" Then he seems to frame those subjective views with another perspective, his own. For example Hayden says something like "I started being needy and messaging her more, because I'm bored and desperate, and she's not." and Dr K gives an alternate perspective of "How do you know that she has more?" and "What I'm seeing is, like, two people that enjoy playing games together." Not sure if I'm really explaining that all that well... Either way, great videos. Very interesting and a good example for my own learning.
That's what I'm noticing, too. I never realized the importance of asking questions with the purpose of understanding how that person sees the world. Having watched a handful of his interviews, I've learned a lot about talking with and listening to people. It's already positively impacted my life.
As someone who constantly deals with self esteem issues and insecurities, seeing this man talk about not feeling good enough and feeling undeserving of love really puts a mirror to my face. The constant struggle of "I am not good enough because of ___ and ___" is something that haunts me for a very long time.
Especially the versatility of the analogy. Like, some people just don't fuckin' like pies, while other people love them even if they're burnt to shit and sickly sweet! You gotta find out by offering the pie to someone.
Positivity precedes perfection. That's what I took away from it. If you think your pie isn't perfect but you're positive they'll like it if they tried it then you should always let them try it.
48:38 "If you wanna be the one she's having guy problems with, you can just tell her what you're feeling. Then you guys can have problems!" Ha, genius!
That‘s how you know he‘s not *really* so shallow to just want „hot chicks“, he wants way more, but lacks even the emotional vocabulary to form cohesive thoughts about that.
I’ve watched three videos thus far (love them by the way) and the way the guests answer questions by being very hesitant and scatter brained is very compelling and shows the unfortunate inexperience of not having a space to share inner emotion Amazing work Dr.K
@@leopoldfreiherrvonbernewit4747 I don't think it is to make sure the person hears themselves - I think it's so Dr. K isn't making assumptions about the other person. To accurately reflect thoughts back at a person he has to get the best data he can and that doesn't begin by assuming they have a common definition/reasoning of things.
Thank you Dr. K for this interview it clarifies a lot! And thanks for the interviewed person! It requires a lot of courage to share your thoughts like that ! 🙏
1:37:48 when dr k's kid and wife came into the room you look at hayden's smile, and its almost as if you can see he doesn't really just want a hot girl to hook up with him.
1:05:10 this is so true. before she became my girlfriend, a girl i would hang out with often in groups always seemed sad and distant and would stop talking to me after a while on nights out. after we got together i asked her what all that was about and she said it's because i wasnt making any moves.
@@hangukhiphop yep. i didnt make it clear clear but shes my ex now and ever since then i made sure to make a move/ask a girl out on the first interaction i have with her. it's useless to build up a friendship over time and hope it turns romantic. thats not to say we shouldnt be friends with girls or ditch girls that are cool but werent interested in us. girl-friends are the best wingmen
@@hangukhiphop its not "making moves" its also like, make it fucking clear how you feel to someone by communicating to them. Guys will act like they have a crush on you and don't even realize how obvious they are being, but then never actually try to communicate at all with the person in question.
I've been following your channel for some time now and would like to take a moment to extend my deepest gratitude to you and the beautiful people you invite onto your channel. Although I still have so much to figure out within my own journey, your way of genuinely caring about the people you interview by gently encouraging them to discover they have the answers within themselves through carefully considered questions is brilliant. Every time I engage with your content, I learn something and feel a little better within myself than I did before. Thank you. You have no idea how much of a gift you are to people like myself who struggle with mental health. Your care and wisdom is an example to me that there are people who care about others. The people you interview are so strong, brave, and appear to genuinely make progress towards a healthier happier prospective in their lives and perceptions. Thank you for the content you all create to share. It means so much to so many. Tasha
Hey Dr. K. I really appreciate what you do with this channel. I got rejected by a girl not too long ago who I went on one good beautiful date with (I had been friends with this girl for about a month before the date), but ended up later telling me she did not want to continue with it because her life is too chaotic and she is not ready for a relationship but still wished to be friends. She is Indian and I am American so there are also some cultural and religious reasons for why she ended it. This had really hurt me but I decided to suck it up and tell her I am ok with being friends. For the couple of days after this had me in an emotional wreck in tears and I felt angry. I had never been so broken up over a person before. I ended up watching this video all the way through and even joined in the meditation session and afterwards felt a million times better. I thought about it some more and came to accept it and realized the appreciation I had for her and how much I valued our friendship. I let go of my ego and thought it was for the best for us to remain friends. After this our friendship has grown even stronger. Thank you so much Dr. K!
Can we take some time to appreciate the courage this young man had to display vulnerability and own his own flaws? This takes a lot of guts. Some may perceive this a weakness but I see this as a strong sign of humbleness and desire to grow
I love Dr Ks videos and his excellent communication skills are admirable. Especially for someone like me that has wanted to die since i was 8- 9 ish AND been bouncing from therapist to therapist for years. I only could wish to have interactions like the way Dr K leads his interactions. Not just on this video but on all of the ones I've seen. Thank you for your great work! Seeing the way you interact, gives me hope for seeking the help i need.
Kinda wild how these types are under the assumption that women only go for looks, while they are the ones to mainly go after attraction. Is it projection or delusions? Or both?
It's partially believing that women choose men the same way men choose women. Being narrow minded and believing other people see things the same as you is one way people end up in red pill and whatever the term for sexist feminists are (there was a specific, named subculture for it but I forgot).
Dr.K is such a genius, after having watched multiple Dating/Pickup advices the ideas he puts on the table are so much more realistic and helpful and it also blends in with things Date and Pickup advices teach like for example being confident enough to accept a rejection is actually letting her be part of the decision if u makeout etc
Hey, this interview really helped me because I’m in a similar situation with a girl from my friend group. Just like him, I’ve never felt this way before, and I’m feeling very overwhelmed😅. I resonated with a lot of things Hayden said about his anxieties, the relationship with the girl and I appreciated the different approaches Dr. K showed. I’m going to try my best to show her my mixed feelings and give her a chance to have more agency in our friendship. Maybe it can grow into a relationship. Thank you!❤
Speaking as an early 30s virgin, I can't help that feel that younger people that say things about incel stuff, have still a lot of time through trial and error to get out of this loop. Despair easily creeps in your mind when you are still young and inexperienced from life.
Dude, this is like you extracted a gold in a depleted ore mine, it's like it is hard to get clear answers unless you dig the right set of questions leading to right position of that hell deep strata of golds
Just a big thumbs up for this guy taking on such a challenge AND in such a way. Only 10 minutes in and i'm already thinking, "I think i would've given up already". For that he's gained my respect.
2:02:46 this explanation is something I really needed. Thank you a lot Dr K. I hope one day to be able to directly thank you for what you're doing for me. I love the way I've seen you express honest emotion towards wanting to help people as well. I've never felt more human than when listening to you help someone to try and understand themselves.
When he said, "how would you know that"... Girls don't know you have feelings for them if you don't tell them! She might think you're not interested. She may think you are too good for her. You have no idea what she's thinking if you dont tell her.
@Justin Lukas You can say that phrased differently. He gives examples in the video. You deciding for them that they don't like you is exactly that. You don't know until you ask. Have confidence.
Watching this I was like "Girl!!! You gotta tell her!!!" him talking about her talking about other men and all that kinda stuff, I did that petty shit when I was younger ALL THE TIME! Also, if you tell her, she might not have even thought that was an option until you tell her and she may look at you differently from then on! Your chances go up SOOOOO much if you just tell someone you like them.
Yes but it’s a two-way street. Women need to be just as courageous as men in expressing their feelings. Lots of women hide their feelings behind passivity or the expectation that it’s a man’s job to initiate everything. It needs to be a mutual exchange. For young teenagers there are real social consequences for being emotionally available. Teens often stigmatize those who get rejected too.
Dr. K, you are fantastic! I am a professor of mental health Counseling at Bradley University. One of the classes I teach is human growth and development. This past week, we covered early adulthood and I showed one of your Incel interviews to my class, and they were so engaged! We discussed the arrested development of people who fit in this group, and we were all very amazed with your cognitive approach to helping. It was a great learning experience to see the way that you use challenging to help people confront their faulty thought processes. I would love to collaborate with you in some way if possible! I’m not sure how - maybe I could join you on stream sometime to talk about these issues or something?
@@fruit5984 This. In the right context, it's literally just a substitute for "guy" or "person". It requires reading the situation a bit though, it varies a lot depending on where you go and who you're talking to.
@@ChristAcolyte , have tried to get "The C Word" going here in the UK. There's no gratitude! :-) They also staunchly resist the jovial "Go yourself" vernacular that Bill Burr and the like popularise stateside. I guess it's some sort of force field that emanates for a few hundred miles around the Queen
When I am diagnosing myself of my problems, I start to become DR.K, asking every question for all my answers and giving answers to each of them. Scoring those answer based on how ridiculous or not ridiculous they are I realized that I am making excuse to not be wrong most of the times. Thanks for teaching me how to troubleshoot myself, Dr.K And for the dude, good luck. Life is brief, enjoy it!
My advice for people, who think about "confessing their love" to a good friend of them: Don't do the big confession thing, just ask your friend "Hey, is that for you between us just a good friendship or could you possible imagine something more"? This is a pretty harmless question and doesn't take much overcoming to ask. If she clearly says that it is just a good friendship, you know that there won't happen anything and you can just go on with your life (and stay friends if you want). If she isn't really sure or even says yes, you got a shot! Tell her e.g. that you really like doing things with her and that you also realized that you find her very attractive. Then you are in!
I think it's situational. If you genuinely love your friend and have been dealing with feelings over a long period of time, it can be helpful to talk it out with them and get them to understand how you've felt over the last (e.g) months.
Yeah and then they lead you on for 2 months and drop you like it's nothing as soon as you are committed, refusing to talk to you ever again. Cynical? I know.. but damn did it hurt.
“If she isn’t really sure (…)” Hmmm nah bro. If they aren’t really sure, it’s best to assume they’re just not that into you, otherwise you’re just setting yourself up to be hurt. An “I’m not sure” is usually an optimistic no. If a person you found gorgeous and attractive confessed their love to you, would you even for a second hesitate to say yes, or would you say “hmm I’m not sure”?
tbh, wish I saw this way back. I did the "I have feelings for you, but I don't want to talk about it I just want our relationship to remain the same (until I'm ready to talk about it)." Well, they ended up getting a partner that wasn't me, and it devastated me emotionally. There was a lot going on with me at the time, so I said and did some cringe things, but we've at least reached the forgiveness point. It was a messy situation that I put myself into, and your comment helped frame that for me a little better. I'm going to try and get a therapist soon to unpack all these murky feelings. I'm also working on rebuilding that friendship I held so dearly to my heart now. Lessons learned, and emotional maturity gained soon. :)
@@witswg I think if she says, that she is not really sure, you should just try and go for it. Ask her out for a date and if it goes well, go for a kiss at the end. Then you will know if it really was just an optimistic no or maybe yes. And my advice does not include "confessing love".
The part where he just assumes she dosent like him with no evidence. And how Dr K catches onto it. It rly hits hard. Me and my current girlfriend was inlove 7 month before either of us say anything coz we both assumed the other didn't feel the same. I'm so lucky it worked out this probably happens so much. :( Please don't do this too
A lot of times there's a reason for this. In certain environments, work especially, I tend to treat everyone as though they're an NPC or a robot. I'm here for business, not small talk - and it ensures that there's a sort of bulwark against any messy entanglements that some people find themselves in.
First I was like "oh, good looking guy!", then when he said he was an incel, my attraction dropped to like under a half, then when he said he was a mysogynist my attraction went to zero. After the conversation, I rooted for him and wished him luck.
I had the exact same thoughts! Incels really self sabotage, I bet most of them would have partners if they never found those forums. All the ones I’ve seen are average or slightly above
@@cf8415 I agree! A lot of them would need a little help in the confidence department though (at least I think that), even if they wouldn't know those forums. But the forums make it so much worse....
The pie analogy might’ve single-handedly altered my entire perspective on my self-image. My own limiting self-beliefs sound incredibly stupid when put in terms of wasting a perfectly good pie.
there's a Chad outside him, he's hot as fuck. it's like that movie She's Out of My League where the guy is supposed to be a 5 but he's one of the cutest guys I've ever seen
Dr. K, Loving your content. The AOE healing is great. I relate to the 21 year old version of Hayden a lot. Was a kissless virgin at 21, but got my first girlfriend towards the end of 21. I ended up going through a part of my life where I was confident and felt excellent, and that's when I got her. That relationship ended 3 months after it started, but I still have baggage from it. Over the past 4.5 years, been slowly regressing to where I was before. I think I'd consider myself a voluntary celebate, due to not having trust in anyone. Also, having low self esteem and self worth and an addictive personality also makes me not want to. It scares me, because after being in that relationship, I felt like I 'needed' her. I get scared that if I ever got into a relationship again, I'd get to that point, and that frightens the hell out of me. These sessions have really helped me a lot, but I still think I have a lot of work to do.
That's why you need to be happy on your own before you get into a relationship. That way you understand that you don't need anybody to feel complete. And being in a relationship is something that can improve your life but is not necessary for you to be happy.
@@MJ-xh8co Thanks for the reply, and this is something that I understand intuitively, due to being in a good spot in my life before. It doesn't help when I sometimes still have nightmares about my first relationship, though. Sometimes even the smallest of details about it still pop up in my head randomly, and crush me. If I could afford therapy, I'd definitely do it. I don't think I'll have much luck with relationships until I get rid of this baggage, or find out if I have something like OCD and treat it.
John Sampson I mean even if you do get into a relationship it doesn’t mean you’ll stay happy. There’s tons of people that are depressed in relationships cause there’s always something they feel they’re missing something just like people who aren’t in relationships. Idk what people usually find to make them happy but having a passion can help and feeling like your making progress in your life too.
This is probably just me projecting but holy fuck I always feel like the interviewee just knows what he feels, and knows what to say but just doesn’t out of fear of it sounding bad. Like the dude probably felt betrayed after the dude kissed her in the club
It’s never worked for me but I’ve understood myself more from it. I have more success when I don’t tell my feelings, everytime I tell my partner how much she means to me, they lose interest. It’s so bizarre,
1:22:50 Dr. K's recommendation on how to talk to the other person about past mixed feelings 1:25:54 example script on how to talk to the other person about current mixed feelings
1:32:57 "I think your bigger problem is that you're not willing to consider a 5" (5 in relation to the "out of 10" scale when rating women)... "that is ego" 1:34:28 "Why is it a problem that I have high standards?" - "Because I think your standards are unidirectional... they don't lead to happiness" 1:35:20 "This is something you have to experiment with... I see possibilities in your life where you remain happy, or you remain alone and sad. And I think the likelyhood you remain happy in life is greater if you are willing to consider someone under an 8... expand the scope of your standards beyond physical attractiveness."
I think the reason a lot of insecure dudes don't wanna date an average looking girl is because they want somebody hot to validate them since they don't feel like they're enough on their own
27:10 This part was interesting, being a brown guy in the UK i thought i'd have a better chance being white. Sometimes we just put ourselves in positions of any guys we see doing well and wish we could be them instead of us.
Man, hearing hayden (hope thats how you spell his name) talk reminds me of how i used to think when i was like 16.... just kind of egotistical, constantly comparing myself to others, never feeling good enough, not really having the words to accurately express the emotions i'm experiencing... all i can say is, it gets better buddy. Give yourself time to learn and grow and mature, and as you grow, the world gets brighter, and you'll become the confident, sociable, and content person you never knew you could be. Hang in there, buddy, life's barely begun.
Hey Hayden, I was like you when I was 21. Now I'm 27 and my problem of being alone and sexless is the exact same except worse. Some of us are just not able to get with girls and the sooner we learn to accept this hard truth, the sooner we can move on and enjoy the many other parts of life
@@heythere9371 I've seen the nastiest, grodiest dudes with attractive women. Unless you're literally Quasimodo, I doubt you are actually "not able" to get girls.
@@heythere9371 the key is being fun to them, they can absolutely fall in love with ugly guys, they wont seek them though hayden here is actually attractive and could get the girl, all he had to do was to tell her he liked her on the first impression in a pretty chill, non threatening way. "hey i think you are cute" would work, establishes your intentions. then give her space. waiting until a girl is friends with you to make a move is a huge no no. tinder profiles that are more successfull often have guys with proper posture with pics that look like the girl will have fun in the date (not money, but fun), beach, party, tropical journeys, waterfalls, biking, stuff like that
How many people watch these and think damn that's me in alot of ways. I haven't watched one of these without finding a little of me in them. Thanks Dr. K. and team!
He might look cute (he does to me too) but you never know what's going on in someone's head: why is that they feel so worthless? I definitely think mild autism comes into play with incels. It's harder to develop social skills and it creates this apparent barrier to women and to having friends in general, so you turn online. And I think it's too painful for these men to acknowledge their deepest insecurities and traumas, so they scapegoat women, because they want to absolve themselves any responsibility for dealing with and coping with their pain. Just watching the first few minutes, he has absolutely no confidence in his viewpoints and Dr. K asking him to explain his views leaves him visibly uncomfortable. Ffs he has imposter syndrome about not being "the biggest incel"
@@GalaxyGal- Nah it's not autism. It's a cycle growing up where a few aukward interactions when your young, builds this self perception that is negative. If your environment doesn't give you positive reinforcement, you pickup only on the negative reinforcement.. ie being shy which is reinforced by people being aukward around you, reinforcing being shy and negative
because women are extremely difficult to please on a mental level, are exhausting to interact with and just want to play games since they know if they communicate directly you will stop talking to them. instead, they just like to leave things up to interpretation, even after engaging in explicit acts. you're not allowed to be irritated with them. you're not allowed to experience disappointment in someone that is not yourself. you're not even allowed to want what all men want - the biggest sign a female does not like or respect you, there are only rules for men that they do not like. And when you're a man, everything is always your fault. the reason why most incels are incels is not because of their social skills etc. it's because they have high standards and/or don't take care of themselves. they know what they want, but they have two eyes just like everyone else and can see what they want is not what most people want. they know they are not going to receive the type of love that they want from women. ever. women all the time saying they want something serious but can't commit to a first date and think a guy who knows he wants to be married and is looking for a wife is a freak. They think a man they look down on is asking for too much in a relationship, but think a better man is going to ask for less, if not more lmao. Then on top of all of this, if you can take no for an answer, handle rejection and say goodbye... NOW YOU JUST WANTED TO GET IN HER PANTS. YOU CAN'T JUST NOT HAVE TIME FOR SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T WANT YOU. YOU HAVE TO BE THE WORLDS MOST TERRIBLE PERSON FOR PREFERRING SOLITUDE TO THEIR COMPANY. Most women are annoying AF to deal with, if we wanted a headache it'd be a lot easier and faster for us to just slam our heads into a counter 7 times and take a couple shots.
At about 35 mins in where he opens up he shows to actually be decently self aware guy, at his age I wouldnt even come close to being that self aware I think, props to him.
I think it would be interesting to see some of the notes you take during the conversations. I'm always curious on doctor k's thought process and how he identifies what is important information and what is not.
Too relatable. I wonder how many of us have had that type of experience? I ended up saying my feelings on mine, and got unfriended shortly after (had been friendly / chatted plenty for like 3 years before then). We'll get a success one day...
You know, it's really not about "success" or not. How clichè this might sound, you just have to find "the right one for you." Meaning; someone with a high interest in you. You should never pursue a woman who has a low interest in you, you'll always end up disappointed. The same applies for women pursuing men that have a low interest in them. I'm sure you've been approached or even heard a girl ever having an interest for you, but you not having an interest for them? You should never have to change who you want to be and what you want to do in order to get with someone. And even if you may end up "getting with" a "really good looking girl" that has a low interest in you, you'll find that (if you pick up on her low interest), it won't be all that good, no matter how pretty she is. I speak from experience. There's nothing to gain from there. No, true affection comes when both want each other as much and nothing else is worth pursuing.
Haha, I had that same experience when I was 19 in 2009. Except I got ghosted outta the blue one day.Never seen her since. Dont even know if shes alive. I never really "fell in love" in my life(sure,I had TONS of crushes but this one was intense) before but I did towards her.Unfortunately. I pray you guys find someone "stable"(not financially, mostly internally) and isn't the type to give others false hope.Ghosters are shitbags.
@@twitchexpedition8239 It's a great video had a good laugh! I'm currently watching this one at 27:41 and went for the comment section just because of what you pointed out lol
This is amazing. Thanks to both of these fine gentlemen for the conversation. I’m sure it’ll help MANY people out there, very much so myself included. One thing I really appreciated was how Dr. K did his questioning on Incel and what it means to be one and why that’s bad. Incel is so heavily stigmatized it makes people ashamed to talk about it if they see themselves as one. And not talking about it is a great place for bad beliefs and more self-hatred to fester. Again, thank y’all both for this beautiful conversation. I hope you realize how much benefit it provides to people.
why use the fucking stupidest word ever incel, when they are just virgins. Ita always been called being a virgin. Talk about trying to reivente the wheel
@@BringBackOGClubPenguin Most are virgins but some incels arrive there later in life or have gone to get “professional help”. On some level they can’t get laid.
This one hit hard. I don't consider myself an incel, but I have gathered quite a bit of nuggets of wisdom from this episode. I've recently heard of Dr. K and I love the parallels he draws from gaming and eastern philosophy. I'd love to have a therapy session with him now.
Dr. K said there’s a Chad within you and I looked at the guy and didn’t see the insecure incel that he was portrayed to be. I saw this really confident dude that has lost his way and has fell down into insecurity. Dr k said that and I instantly saw his potential. It also helped me to see that potential in myself
It hurts to listen to someone so broken. Find self worth first and start to care less for superficial things like whether someone is "highly attractive"
God this is such a beautiful helpful video. I just paused every now and then to ask myself similar questions and things just began to flow 😭😭😭😭 I got my answers to my issues and I recognized that fear of testing things, of treating others like npcs and shouldering all the decision. It’s so brutal, but kind and relieved at the same time m. I have to do it. I have to have the conversation, lay how I feel (not uniderectional) and listen to what the other has to say. I can’t stop crying, it feels so good.
I love the question 'How do I be ok with my shit pie?' Some easy answers are to look up recipes for a type of success/flavor you actually value. Share it with people who will eat your shit pies and tell you it's crap but they're genuinely glad you tried (friends and family). Hand it out to people who are good at rating them and ask for help (personal mentors and therapists). Heck you can even try making a bunch and giving them to strangers to just get comfortable sharing with people. Understand that some people have different tastes. Improve what you can and share it with people even if it takes some time. Good luck and one day you'll find someone YOU think is pretty and they'll eat a whole feast and ask for more and cook you pies you love as well and be overjoyed you both found eachother.
I am right now going through a similar situation as him, though his case seems a lot more tangled up than mine. I made up mind to talk through the girl that I hang out with, and I now know how I am going to do it thanks to Dr. K. I have already sent embarrassing and cringey messages to her--but that embarrassment is my own judgment. I admit I am insecure and flawed, but let her taste the pie and decide if she likes it. Thank you Dr.K.
@@gosue8515I got rejected and ghosted, but I feel sad for a different reason. I miscommunicated and ended up annoying her irl, and I blurted out on text message. It was a mistake from inexperience and social anxiety. She said it's fine and we can still talk sometime, but I got ghosted afterward. Tbh, I am not even sure if she was annoyed. I had been super sensitive to every action of her, and I got paralyzed when I felt she got annoyed by me when the only thing I said was hi. In conclusion: I shot my self on the back due to hypersensitivity and false imagination, but I will never know the truth. The "feeling" part didn't quite work because she needed clarification and I had to eventually tell her I had crush. So even tho I attempted to sound not like a confession (and I wasn't going for a confession), the ambiguity made it more awkward. I am still figuring out the lesson I learned. If I can go back in time, what I would do differently is to speak what's on your mind. She was very interesting and smart, but I was afraid to say it because it might sound cheesy or flirty although I genuinely meant it. This, I regret the most--repressing the urge to show gratitude, relatability, and my own opinions. I now firmly understand that such action can only come from knowing and accepting who you are first. When she asked what I do, I was afraid to say anything and just kinda skipped the question. I was afraid of being judged as lame--which turned out to be a self fulfilling prophecy. I am interesting person only if I believe so, and to believe it you need to know who you are--accept who you were in the past, present and imagine your future. Every version of you at any time is you, and they all have stories. It doesn't matter if it is boring af because as long as you keep thinking positive, they won't be as boring and people will even admire you for being mature. Well, at least in my hypothesis lol. For practicality, work on observing what is on your mind and expressing it. Doesn't need to be masterfully articulate because I realized that figuring out what you want to say is just another part of conversation. I had many things to say to her, but they were all vague and I didn't know how to express them, and I was scared. I was mostly just shut up and she did all the talking. There seems to be a difference between being a good listener versus being repressed. If there's anything more I can think of, I will update this. But I feel like a new door has been opened to me after this encounter. Maybe it is just a temporary rush of some hormones, but it seems that I can make use of it at least. Wish you luck of whatever you are going through!
I loved how the pie analogy came full circle, when he said: "what you want is someone to eat your pie". The movie American Pie was apply named indeed :D
I have plenty of L’s from guys I liked in my past but that’s life, however there was one in particular I had the guts to tell them how I felt and they knew I liked them all along but didn’t feel the same about me thus they tried to not make me like them anymore by being petty/rude (especially in front of friends).... and it hurt so bad. I’m keeping my chin up, though. Gotta find the light in the darkness, in way or another. Thank you Dr. K for being amazing and pathetic with us
the thing i respect most is him having the self awareness and motivation needed to want to change / get help. that's all it takes and that we can ask / hope for in people :)
agreed. but, unfortunately not many people do and I think that's partially because of the way society tells them to get help. I'm referring to people who just say "get therapy" in a sort of condescending way. Like they want you to get help not because they care, but because you're an inconvenience to them.
After seeing the wide array of societal issues and personal issues that many of Dr. K's interviews have addressed, I'd love to see an interview with a gymcel cuz there's a lot of different issues there I'd like to see addressed
bruh, i would not have the patience to deal w my guy. noah fence. not just because of his misogynistic views or whatever but the way he expresses himself and delays everything. mad props to Dr K
So around middle school I didn't have really much problems talking to people and I actually like the person and we had a good we had a good relationship and everything was going fine she had to eventually go to another school and I started meeting like other people and started branching. So I started talking to this other girl a for like a month and so i got to the point that I really like this girl and I wanted to date her i brought her to a really nice place and ask her if she wanted to date and she pretty much said that she didn't want to date. 3 days later she started dating another person and stopped talking to me. From there on I pretty much got hurt and without knowing I was pretty much brought my self down to the point that I could talk to girls and I just didn't understand why I couldn't date them so I pretty much gave up. but when I saw this video I understood that the reason I couldn't date anyone was because I was so scared to get hurt again that I didn't give a changes to any girls that tried to talk to me . Sorry if this is long
Hayden, on the very off-chance that you see this, rejection happens to everyone who dates. Full stop. I've turned down guys who were into me when I wasn't into them, and I've been turned down by guys I was into when they weren't into me. I also developed feelings for a friend, approached him, and he (gently) shot me down. Life went on and we're still friends. You don't need (and will never get) all women to like you--you just need one.
Then why should i keep dating if i only get rejected? I dont want to date girls to be rejected all the time. For a person that is sentimental and develops feelings to someone else rejection is destructive. They cant just move on and try to approach another person like its a game with a fresh start
@@bazejkrawczyk7523 It's 100% a valid choice to stop dating temporarily or permanently. Personally, I also end up feeling like the whole dating game is rigged against me, although for slightly different reasons than you. That said, if someone opts not to play the game or put in the work necessarily to find a partner, then I don't really think that they can turn around and complain about not having one. For most guys, perfect partners just don't fall from the sky into their arms. It takes work to meet people and work to build a successful relationship.
@@oesteful Ofcourse it takes work. But from my example, two times have i built a strong relationship and two times have i been rejected and hurt badly with the second one completely burrowing me in a deep depression. I am now legitimately scared of approaching someone else and starting anew. Is it all worth the risk of getting hurt and living with that feeling who knows how long? Because the chance of success is quite minimal compared to failure.
It takes a special kind of person to slowly walk someone through their tangled up thoughts and I don’t know how Dr K has the patience for it, but I am grateful that he does.
Absolutely, I am grateful for that too
You don’t know how someone who trained for years to do something can do that thing? Kinda weird mate
How do you know she doesn't feel the same way? Uh because we would be dating lol gotcha doc
@@SnailHatan Bro? Do you know how many therapists go through training only to be useless?
100%
"Why sit on the sidelines? You can be part of the problem!" This channel is gold 🤣
I can’t relate to his situation but this feeling… it might be the thing that pushes me over my point of hesitancy
when i watch Dr K's video I cry. Always. No matter how much I would hate the person on the other end, he makes me see them for who they are. Without their ego. And I realize that at heart we are all children. Vulnerable, insecure, and wanting of love.
so fucking true
Right? I can be so curious and all, but I can only wach one of those videos every few days at a time, because it's so emotionally intense.
"we are all" as a statement doesnt work, since we are not all the same, which is a basic principle of aryurveda. also, the people who come to Dr.K`s stream ALL have problems, so there is a selection bias. furthermore, there is the meditative state of mind, that is neither insecure, vulnerable or wanting of love. do you listen to dr. K at all?
@@raze956 So, listening to Dr. K you came to the conclusion that not all people are deserving of compassion and understanding?
@@julyol119 i think he needs to get on stream with Dr. K
i, personally, would like to thank this guy for coming on to this talk. i went through such a very similar thing and him voicing his thoughts and emotions to Dr. K makes me feel happy
I hope you're doing better since you made this comment, I'm rooting for you :)
P
How are you doing now?
@@berni2905 well the last girl i had intense feelings for was the same girl that had unrequited feelings for me before i made this comment 2 years ago. since then i haven't really been able to find that same kind of love towards another girl. but i did get better at flirting and talking to girls. i'm still hopeful that i'll be able to find myself in that ideal relationship i dream of but for now, i'm focusing on improving in a lot of aspects. i guess experiencing unrequited love can also provide a valuable lesson on self-love
christ man, listening to him talk is frustrating because this is clearly someone that could just be relatively normal if he hadn't poisoned himself with these weird ass half-baked internet concepts to deal with the stress of his social life
I know! He's cute!
Lissie definitely
baldur exactly what I was thinking !!!
Yup. This is why social intervention and conditioning is so important. But in an overpopulated fragmented competitive society where everyones so busy and keeps to themselves, fewer people have time (or wants to take the time) to help someone at that level. I doubt this guy had a "dating mentor" in his immediate family.
Also public sex Ed is really lacking...
i find that this is the case for most people in these incel/blackpill circles. you'd be amazed and greatly saddened by the amount of average - slightly below average looking men think that they are completely disgusting and unlovable
"i wish i just didn't care about anything". That thought has gone through my mind so many times and it seemed like a really good thing. However, if you really don't care about *anything* it is exactly that. It's the same as "i wish i didn't feel anything". You're not just throwing the bad, negative and uncomfortable away, but also the good, positive and comfortable. Life becomes empty.
what when it already is
well sign me the fuck up
Genuinely I’d rather be empty than feel bad
Thats...sounds kinda nice actually. Empty sounds hell of a lot better than bad.
The timing of his family coming in at the time when he was talking about how fulfilling it is to be In a healthy loving relationship was the universe shoving dr. Ks point in the guests face
Oh yes, this was perfect!
1 year ago btw
That's some matrix right there
Thought this immediately too! Glad someone else noticed it
God brother ❤✝️🫶
Damn, that’s heavy… "what you're terrified of: it's not women, it's answers..."
1:21:30 timestamp
This is one your best one to ones conversations so far. That part where you stopped him when he said " I don't want a girlfriend until..." was beautiful. I used to have the same insecurities as this viewer and I hope that he finds his way forward soon!
Where it was?
@@factorial1059 1:17:00 about here maybe a little after
@@artisticezekiel4590 thanks :)
@@cekaofficial nothing, but some people use that as an excuse and don’t even try.
@@cekaofficialI am unsure about my opinion, but I think a lot of people miss their existing good by always desiring an improvement. Sometimes the small good that we thought was insignificant could be an entire cure for the other person. Improvement is for our own sake, and it should not be taken as a measure of qualification to others.
Yes, all these are rational thoughts, not quite true to our emotion, but that again seems to be due to our habit of feeling that we always lack something.
this comment section is much more understanding an wholesome compared to twitch comment section
@You Wouldn't Get It always been
You're right overall, but I agree with them that he really shouldn't have been reading at chat, if that's why he was looking to the side and laughing every 5 seconds.
I'm just guessing, but I have a hunch it's not because of different audiences, it's because how youtube and twitch handle comments that they encourage different behaviors in people.
I think it's how in twitch your message is on twitch for a few seconds before it is buried by a barrage of newer messages, so you compete for attention with the other messages. If you leave a nice message it will probably be ignored, whereas if you bandwagon and are an overall duck you might get something out of it. It's also the lack of accountability that comes with having your name and your comment disappear after a few seconds. I personally never understood chatting on twitch channels with big audiences.
And on youtube your message is there forever, for anyone who watches the video and scrolls down into the comments, with your account name on it. it's not going anywhere. I wouldn't be surprised if the people who were awful in twitch chat, are being nice here now.
@@imantonic5826 Very well thought out reply!
Because the more stupid you are the more you spam.so twitch chat looks like a bunch of idiots,when there are many normal people too
It is starting to be scary how the topics you talk about relate exactly to my current life situations.
Are you an insecure pie baker?
@@minecraftfan2087 lol nice
Dou you think about black man dick a lot ?
Sat Ori I just got rejected by a girl I was really crushing on, this video came out within a couple of hours of that.
@@realm4677 hang in there brother. Love yourself before you try loving someone else
Oh my gosh! Wow! The pie analogy! That's literally my whole life! Now i really know, that I think I'm not good enough. That's(!) the issue! I never really gave anyone a taste! What a life changing epiphany! In my mind it was the opposite. I thought I'm not good enough! Thank you from the bottom of my heart Dr.K!
Not white enough ? 😂😂
18:27
"I'm 21"
"I had never really dated a girl by the time I was your age"
That's very reassuring to hear. Thanks so much for saying that.
its a lie though. he found his now wife (gorgeous btw, shes been on stream with him) 3rd year of college so at like 20 years old? and been with her ever since. So Dr. K has NO IDEA the struggle of being a man in todays dating world.
@Jonathan yup! its completely fucked. ::sigh::
@Jonathan maybe a little bit but men too ^^ if you say women act more like men nowadays. So I'm a woman and I'm obviously biased but I'm more 23 and maybe can share some experiences I've made also talking to a lot of guy friends I have. So most of the guys I know always think they are late in the whole getting the a girlfriend aspect. (I'm also studying chemistry so maybe that brings a little bit context to it) but even guys who had their first girlfriend at 17 think they were late. So what I think often happens men sometimes show infront of other men that they can get soooo many girls even though not all of them do. So that's one aspect that I think plays into this. Another one is that guys just tend to be sexualky active at an higher age than girls. I Mena for women it's a lot easier to get sex that's right but trust me just a little portion of people can handle sex without emotions that well. Even many guys tend to have problems with that and prefer a relationship. That's also with women. I mean also Dr. K isn't that old. Birth control was already invented when he started dating and I have friends in their 30s e.g. struggling with the same problems finding a girlfriend. It just is not that easy to find someone who is attracted to you and to whom you are also attracted and with whom a relationship works. I'm now dating an attractive guy and I really love him but prior to him I had one ok looking boyfriend and one boyfriend who was generally speaking not attractive at all. I got a lot of shit for this and everyone told me why I was with him and the funny thing is he fucked me over and cheated on me. But that's just how it is and people do bad things regardless of their appearance.
Also another anecdote. A friend of mine was quite awkward around girls and always wanted a girlfriend. At some point I think he really liked me but I wasn't attracted to him. Like one thing was that he was younger but another one was that I just wasn't in the right place at that time and had to deal with a lot of suppressed feelings. So I chose someone much older and uglier XD maybe a bad decision from my part but it's also not fair to get with someone just because they would treat you great. Because I think that is using someone. So fast forward he has a really good looking and nice girlfriend now (I think they met when he was 22) and it seems like he is really happy. Also she is a better match for him and they do a lot of stuff and are also both really intelligent :) so it worked out for him not being with me and I'm happy it did. In the same way it worked out for me to get with my current boyfriend (maybe not the stuff with my ex).... I just wanted to say that I also struggled to find someone who wanted a committed relationship with me but I think it is just generally not so easy. Otherwise being a hippie and just loving everyone would work for everyone.
I hope you could find some ssnse in what I wrote. I think the essence is: I understand you are struggling but you are not alone. And also there are actually a lot of people who want committed relationships but not everyone wants it with you. (same way it happened to me a lot of times) but that's OK. Just keep trying and treat people nicely and it will work out some day :) the guy friend who got a girlfriend after a lot of failed tries has also found a great partner and he was nice and kind all along :)
@Jonathan im happy for you that you don't feel pressure anymore. My current boyfriend actually had a similar mindset. He thinks that if someone comes along with whom it's possible it won't be a problem. But it is still necessary to take some steps towards each other 😅
@Jonathan I like that mindset
I love coming back to those interviews and just watch them over and over again. Seeing those people bravely come on stream and talk about their struggles really puts your own problems in perspective. There is something morbidly comforting in knowing that one is not alone with their struggles.
The most important thing that seemed to help Hayden open up was the complete lack of judgement from Dr K. Hayden expected Dr K to have a preconceived idea of what an Incel is and why it's bad and while that seemed difficult for him to work around, since he essentially had to try to explain all the things he feels are worst about himself, it meant that he couldn't associate Dr K with "the haters". Which let Dr K ask some direct and difficult questions without them feeling like an attack.
At least, that's what seemed to be the case to me.
I'm currently training to be a counsellor and it's interesting to see the ways in which Dr K approaches things and demonstrates the kinds of theory I've been learning.
For example, frame of reference. The idea that two people don't necessarily understand the same thing the same way. Which is why Dr K is constantly asking "what does that mean?" It's really more of a "What does that mean to you?"
Then he seems to frame those subjective views with another perspective, his own. For example Hayden says something like "I started being needy and messaging her more, because I'm bored and desperate, and she's not." and Dr K gives an alternate perspective of "How do you know that she has more?" and "What I'm seeing is, like, two people that enjoy playing games together." Not sure if I'm really explaining that all that well...
Either way, great videos. Very interesting and a good example for my own learning.
That's what I'm noticing, too. I never realized the importance of asking questions with the purpose of understanding how that person sees the world. Having watched a handful of his interviews, I've learned a lot about talking with and listening to people. It's already positively impacted my life.
The pie analogy really helped me put things in perspective because I've been doing the same thing after getting rejected once. Thanks Dr. K!
As someone who constantly deals with self esteem issues and insecurities, seeing this man talk about not feeling good enough and feeling undeserving of love really puts a mirror to my face. The constant struggle of "I am not good enough because of ___ and ___" is something that haunts me for a very long time.
❤❤❤ I'm glad you know that that isn't true. You're valuable no matter what and i wish you peace, love and joy.
I deal with this and it its not fun.
That pie analogy is the most motivating, confidence boosting thing I've heard in a while.
Especially the versatility of the analogy. Like, some people just don't fuckin' like pies, while other people love them even if they're burnt to shit and sickly sweet! You gotta find out by offering the pie to someone.
Timestamp is around 1:10:33 for anyone who's interested
@@duskmare0000 Exactly! =D
Positivity precedes perfection. That's what I took away from it. If you think your pie isn't perfect but you're positive they'll like it if they tried it then you should always let them try it.
Ngl I went and bought a pie.
48:38 "If you wanna be the one she's having guy problems with, you can just tell her what you're feeling. Then you guys can have problems!" Ha, genius!
@@justinhansen8235 but that's recipe for friendzone
@@aishudhomane1681that’s why we all here bruh
1:37:45 the way he smiled at Dr. K interacting with his kids... damn that hit hard...
That‘s how you know he‘s not *really* so shallow to just want „hot chicks“, he wants way more, but lacks even the emotional vocabulary to form cohesive thoughts about that.
SO WHOLESOME
My emotionsssss
I’ve watched three videos thus far (love them by the way) and the way the guests answer questions by being very hesitant and scatter brained is very compelling and shows the unfortunate inexperience of not having a space to share inner emotion
Amazing work Dr.K
Interviewee: "Misogyny is bad"
Dr. K: "Why?"
LMAO
That‘s kinda his „thing“ - he wants you to explain your believes, so you hear yourself say it.
@@leopoldfreiherrvonbernewit4747 I don't think it is to make sure the person hears themselves - I think it's so Dr. K isn't making assumptions about the other person. To accurately reflect thoughts back at a person he has to get the best data he can and that doesn't begin by assuming they have a common definition/reasoning of things.
Hitler: "ah man, i did some bad stuff"
Dr. K: "I don´t think there is good or bad, who said it was bad?"
@@spriddlez i think you both got it right. Kills two birds with 1 stone
@@enmemoriamedia4957 godwins law in 3 replies
Thank you Dr. K for this interview it clarifies a lot! And thanks for the interviewed person! It requires a lot of courage to share your thoughts like that ! 🙏
I really like this episode, you can feel the man's growth from start to end. The last few conversations at the ending were also very satisfying.
1:37:48 when dr k's kid and wife came into the room you look at hayden's smile, and its almost as if you can see he doesn't really just want a hot girl to hook up with him.
Yeah, i think most guys just want a genuine relationship and a emotional connection.
Yea I broke down in tears when this happend. It was just too perfect
@@derNachbar97 I don't really know about that
@@dreamychaos5935 he ain’t wrong
@@dreamychaos5935And who says so?
Thank you for putting out the whole vod.
@Grossly Incandescent Snowflake ikr
@@Oversiver ikr
vod arr yu orl talkeeng abaut? mpg
Yeah
1:05:10
this is so true. before she became my girlfriend, a girl i would hang out with often in groups always seemed sad and distant and would stop talking to me after a while on nights out. after we got together i asked her what all that was about and she said it's because i wasnt making any moves.
god dammit dude I hate that it always falls on us to make the moves
@@hangukhiphop yep. i didnt make it clear clear but shes my ex now and ever since then i made sure to make a move/ask a girl out on the first interaction i have with her. it's useless to build up a friendship over time and hope it turns romantic. thats not to say we shouldnt be friends with girls or ditch girls that are cool but werent interested in us. girl-friends are the best wingmen
Ridiculous lol
@@hangukhiphop its not "making moves" its also like, make it fucking clear how you feel to someone by communicating to them. Guys will act like they have a crush on you and don't even realize how obvious they are being, but then never actually try to communicate at all with the person in question.
@@KD-ou2np that sucks even more lol like what point are you trying to make 😭
I've been following your channel for some time now and would like to take a moment to extend my deepest gratitude to you and the beautiful people you invite onto your channel. Although I still have so much to figure out within my own journey, your way of genuinely caring about the people you interview by gently encouraging them to discover they have the answers within themselves through carefully considered questions is brilliant. Every time I engage with your content, I learn something and feel a little better within myself than I did before. Thank you. You have no idea how much of a gift you are to people like myself who struggle with mental health. Your care and wisdom is an example to me that there are people who care about others. The people you interview are so strong, brave, and appear to genuinely make progress towards a healthier happier prospective in their lives and perceptions. Thank you for the content you all create to share. It means so much to so many. Tasha
Hey Dr. K. I really appreciate what you do with this channel. I got rejected by a girl not too long ago who I went on one good beautiful date with (I had been friends with this girl for about a month before the date), but ended up later telling me she did not want to continue with it because her life is too chaotic and she is not ready for a relationship but still wished to be friends. She is Indian and I am American so there are also some cultural and religious reasons for why she ended it. This had really hurt me but I decided to suck it up and tell her I am ok with being friends. For the couple of days after this had me in an emotional wreck in tears and I felt angry. I had never been so broken up over a person before. I ended up watching this video all the way through and even joined in the meditation session and afterwards felt a million times better. I thought about it some more and came to accept it and realized the appreciation I had for her and how much I valued our friendship. I let go of my ego and thought it was for the best for us to remain friends. After this our friendship has grown even stronger. Thank you so much Dr. K!
Can we take some time to appreciate the courage this young man had to display vulnerability and own his own flaws? This takes a lot of guts. Some may perceive this a weakness but I see this as a strong sign of humbleness and desire to grow
I love Dr Ks videos and his excellent communication skills are admirable. Especially for someone like me that has wanted to die since i was 8- 9 ish AND been bouncing from therapist to therapist for years. I only could wish to have interactions like the way Dr K leads his interactions. Not just on this video but on all of the ones I've seen.
Thank you for your great work! Seeing the way you interact, gives me hope for seeking the help i need.
Kinda wild how these types are under the assumption that women only go for looks, while they are the ones to mainly go after attraction. Is it projection or delusions? Or both?
It's partially believing that women choose men the same way men choose women. Being narrow minded and believing other people see things the same as you is one way people end up in red pill and whatever the term for sexist feminists are (there was a specific, named subculture for it but I forgot).
Dr.K is such a genius, after having watched multiple Dating/Pickup advices the ideas he puts on the table are so much more realistic and helpful and it also blends in with things Date and Pickup advices teach like for example being confident enough to accept a rejection is actually letting her be part of the decision if u makeout etc
Hey, this interview really helped me because I’m in a similar situation with a girl from my friend group. Just like him, I’ve never felt this way before, and I’m feeling very overwhelmed😅.
I resonated with a lot of things Hayden said about his anxieties, the relationship with the girl and I appreciated the different approaches Dr. K showed. I’m going to try my best to show her my mixed feelings and give her a chance to have more agency in our friendship. Maybe it can grow into a relationship.
Thank you!❤
Speaking as an early 30s virgin, I can't help that feel that younger people that say things about incel stuff, have still a lot of time through trial and error to get out of this loop.
Despair easily creeps in your mind when you are still young and inexperienced from life.
Dude, this is like you extracted a gold in a depleted ore mine, it's like it is hard to get clear answers unless you dig the right set of questions leading to right position of that hell deep strata of golds
these videos are helping me bring myself to being more confident, and they feel like the therapy session i've never had but needed
Just a big thumbs up for this guy taking on such a challenge AND in such a way. Only 10 minutes in and i'm already thinking, "I think i would've given up already". For that he's gained my respect.
2:02:46 this explanation is something I really needed. Thank you a lot Dr K. I hope one day to be able to directly thank you for what you're doing for me. I love the way I've seen you express honest emotion towards wanting to help people as well. I've never felt more human than when listening to you help someone to try and understand themselves.
The youtube watch time for Dr.k's videos must be off the charts. I'm about to watch the whole 2 hours and I have ADHD. Also I love the pie example
When he said, "how would you know that"... Girls don't know you have feelings for them if you don't tell them! She might think you're not interested. She may think you are too good for her. You have no idea what she's thinking if you dont tell her.
@Justin Lukas You can say that phrased differently. He gives examples in the video. You deciding for them that they don't like you is exactly that. You don't know until you ask. Have confidence.
Watching this I was like "Girl!!! You gotta tell her!!!" him talking about her talking about other men and all that kinda stuff, I did that petty shit when I was younger ALL THE TIME! Also, if you tell her, she might not have even thought that was an option until you tell her and she may look at you differently from then on! Your chances go up SOOOOO much if you just tell someone you like them.
That's bullshit
Yes but it’s a two-way street. Women need to be just as courageous as men in expressing their feelings. Lots of women hide their feelings behind passivity or the expectation that it’s a man’s job to initiate everything. It needs to be a mutual exchange. For young teenagers there are real social consequences for being emotionally available. Teens often stigmatize those who get rejected too.
@@jamesgentry13 could you elaborate a little more?
What the hell?! This dude is handsome and smart. There is no reason he needs to be carrying around this self hate.
Dr. K, you are fantastic! I am a professor of mental health Counseling at Bradley University. One of the classes I teach is human growth and development. This past week, we covered early adulthood and I showed one of your Incel interviews to my class, and they were so engaged! We discussed the arrested development of people who fit in this group, and we were all very amazed with your cognitive approach to helping. It was a great learning experience to see the way that you use challenging to help people confront their faulty thought processes. I would love to collaborate with you in some way if possible! I’m not sure how - maybe I could join you on stream sometime to talk about these issues or something?
I love how he apologises for his culture after dropping c bombs
Culture bombs xD
Cunt is common vernacular in Australian English
I assume he's from Australia where 'c bombs' are used a lot as a slang word. The negative connotation depends on context and delivery.
@@fruit5984 This. In the right context, it's literally just a substitute for "guy" or "person". It requires reading the situation a bit though, it varies a lot depending on where you go and who you're talking to.
@@ChristAcolyte , have tried to get "The C Word" going here in the UK. There's no gratitude! :-)
They also staunchly resist the jovial "Go yourself" vernacular that Bill Burr and the like popularise stateside.
I guess it's some sort of force field that emanates for a few hundred miles around the Queen
I'm always amazed how patient Dr. K is lol. I could never handle being a therapist.
yea it's not a job for emotionally unstable people
Iknr its such a hard job
dr k just going "what the f/ck i asked you a question" as i read your comment. ah yes, the patience of a saint lmao
@@lavishlyvice LOL to be fair it was a very loving what the f
"what you want is someone who wants your pie". So much wisdom and truth in this line.... Been figuring that out myself lately.
I’m only 35 minutes into this video and the amount of things unpacked is making me want to bust out some popcorn, stellar work K
When I am diagnosing myself of my problems, I start to become DR.K, asking every question for all my answers and giving answers to each of them. Scoring those answer based on how ridiculous or not ridiculous they are
I realized that I am making excuse to not be wrong most of the times. Thanks for teaching me how to troubleshoot myself, Dr.K
And for the dude, good luck. Life is brief, enjoy it!
I'm learning this exact thing from Dr K
hi hough white. i am a god!
My advice for people, who think about "confessing their love" to a good friend of them: Don't do the big confession thing, just ask your friend "Hey, is that for you between us just a good friendship or could you possible imagine something more"? This is a pretty harmless question and doesn't take much overcoming to ask. If she clearly says that it is just a good friendship, you know that there won't happen anything and you can just go on with your life (and stay friends if you want). If she isn't really sure or even says yes, you got a shot! Tell her e.g. that you really like doing things with her and that you also realized that you find her very attractive. Then you are in!
I think it's situational. If you genuinely love your friend and have been dealing with feelings over a long period of time, it can be helpful to talk it out with them and get them to understand how you've felt over the last (e.g) months.
Yeah and then they lead you on for 2 months and drop you like it's nothing as soon as you are committed, refusing to talk to you ever again. Cynical? I know.. but damn did it hurt.
“If she isn’t really sure (…)”
Hmmm nah bro. If they aren’t really sure, it’s best to assume they’re just not that into you, otherwise you’re just setting yourself up to be hurt. An “I’m not sure” is usually an optimistic no. If a person you found gorgeous and attractive confessed their love to you, would you even for a second hesitate to say yes, or would you say “hmm I’m not sure”?
tbh, wish I saw this way back. I did the "I have feelings for you, but I don't want to talk about it I just want our relationship to remain the same (until I'm ready to talk about it)." Well, they ended up getting a partner that wasn't me, and it devastated me emotionally. There was a lot going on with me at the time, so I said and did some cringe things, but we've at least reached the forgiveness point. It was a messy situation that I put myself into, and your comment helped frame that for me a little better.
I'm going to try and get a therapist soon to unpack all these murky feelings. I'm also working on rebuilding that friendship I held so dearly to my heart now. Lessons learned, and emotional maturity gained soon. :)
@@witswg I think if she says, that she is not really sure, you should just try and go for it. Ask her out for a date and if it goes well, go for a kiss at the end.
Then you will know if it really was just an optimistic no or maybe yes.
And my advice does not include "confessing love".
I’m 32 and when Dr K went off about emotional availability, I fell off my chair. Truth rings when it’s spoken.
The part where he just assumes she dosent like him with no evidence. And how Dr K catches onto it. It rly hits hard. Me and my current girlfriend was inlove 7 month before either of us say anything coz we both assumed the other didn't feel the same. I'm so lucky it worked out this probably happens so much. :( Please don't do this too
From the way he described her she is definitely not interested. I think it's safe to assume that this girl thinks he's not in her class
@@assassinssubject17 You sound just as bad as him lol
@@alonewithyu ok?
From his description I would say he's right her super hot self wants to stay in the friend zone I find it shocking lol
That thing that some men treat women like npcs is so true. I have experienced this more than once (as a woman)
A lot of times there's a reason for this. In certain environments, work especially, I tend to treat everyone as though they're an NPC or a robot. I'm here for business, not small talk - and it ensures that there's a sort of bulwark against any messy entanglements that some people find themselves in.
@@cavalieroutdoors6036 hey thanks man ill prob take that approach
First I was like "oh, good looking guy!", then when he said he was an incel, my attraction dropped to like under a half, then when he said he was a mysogynist my attraction went to zero. After the conversation, I rooted for him and wished him luck.
I had the exact same thoughts! Incels really self sabotage, I bet most of them would have partners if they never found those forums. All the ones I’ve seen are average or slightly above
@@cf8415 people dont realise this until they learn on their mistake...
Lol me too, beat for beat same as you!
@@cf8415 I agree! A lot of them would need a little help in the confidence department though (at least I think that), even if they wouldn't know those forums. But the forums make it so much worse....
@@cayleece7890 Yeah right? Happy some of you agree with me :)
I really liked this one and the dude really grew on me during the episode, seems like a sweet genuine guy despite everything
The AOE healing is strong with this video
The pie analogy might’ve single-handedly altered my entire perspective on my self-image. My own limiting self-beliefs sound incredibly stupid when put in terms of wasting a perfectly good pie.
Massive respect for this guy for coming to the show
38:52 "Theres a Chad deep within you..."
Lol! Good one Dr. K. That's like the ultimate self help insight for insecure young men. :)
there's a Chad outside him, he's hot as fuck. it's like that movie She's Out of My League where the guy is supposed to be a 5 but he's one of the cutest guys I've ever seen
38:40
@@soakupthenoise ikr? a lot of guys that come here are unironically cute/hot
Sounds like a good night to me... Wait..
Dr. K,
Loving your content. The AOE healing is great.
I relate to the 21 year old version of Hayden a lot.
Was a kissless virgin at 21, but got my first girlfriend towards the end of 21.
I ended up going through a part of my life where I was confident and felt excellent, and that's when I got her.
That relationship ended 3 months after it started, but I still have baggage from it.
Over the past 4.5 years, been slowly regressing to where I was before.
I think I'd consider myself a voluntary celebate, due to not having trust in anyone.
Also, having low self esteem and self worth and an addictive personality also makes me not want to.
It scares me, because after being in that relationship, I felt like I 'needed' her.
I get scared that if I ever got into a relationship again, I'd get to that point, and that frightens the hell out of me.
These sessions have really helped me a lot, but I still think I have a lot of work to do.
That's why you need to be happy on your own before you get into a relationship.
That way you understand that you don't need anybody to feel complete.
And being in a relationship is something that can improve your life but is not necessary for you to be happy.
@@MJ-xh8co Thanks for the reply, and this is something that I understand intuitively, due to being in a good spot in my life before.
It doesn't help when I sometimes still have nightmares about my first relationship, though.
Sometimes even the smallest of details about it still pop up in my head randomly, and crush me.
If I could afford therapy, I'd definitely do it.
I don't think I'll have much luck with relationships until I get rid of this baggage, or find out if I have something like OCD and treat it.
DUDE, it's like I wrote this MYSELF. Literally only the numbers are a bit different but close.
@@MJ-xh8co What happens when you're already feeling complete on your own but can't find anyone.
John Sampson I mean even if you do get into a relationship it doesn’t mean you’ll stay happy. There’s tons of people that are depressed in relationships cause there’s always something they feel they’re missing something just like people who aren’t in relationships. Idk what people usually find to make them happy but having a passion can help and feeling like your making progress in your life too.
This is probably just me projecting but holy fuck I always feel like the interviewee just knows what he feels, and knows what to say but just doesn’t out of fear of it sounding bad. Like the dude probably felt betrayed after the dude kissed her in the club
The day i first told someone how I really felt about them, it opened the world up for me
It opened up the world for me too. But that was 2 years ago and I don’t know any other girls to try. I’m such a loser lol
It’s never worked for me but I’ve understood myself more from it. I have more success when I don’t tell my feelings, everytime I tell my partner how much she means to me, they lose interest. It’s so bizarre,
@@lordflako5324 I'm sorry to hear that, i really hope you find the one who'll respond to your feelings with mutual sincerity.
You mean because they reciprocated the feelings lol
1:22:50 Dr. K's recommendation on how to talk to the other person about past mixed feelings
1:25:54 example script on how to talk to the other person about current mixed feelings
Thx for these timestamps, it's an interesting moment to go back through again more than once
T
30 mins in and this might be the first time I’ve heard Dr. K even jokingly approach race. Love it.
1:32:57 "I think your bigger problem is that you're not willing to consider a 5" (5 in relation to the "out of 10" scale when rating women)... "that is ego"
1:34:28 "Why is it a problem that I have high standards?"
- "Because I think your standards are unidirectional... they don't lead to happiness"
1:35:20 "This is something you have to experiment with... I see possibilities in your life where you remain happy, or you remain alone and sad. And I think the likelyhood you remain happy in life is greater if you are willing to consider someone under an 8... expand the scope of your standards beyond physical attractiveness."
Yeah, this guy comes across as superficial and shallow. I wouldn't wanna date him solely based on his views on women.
@@kaefenempa You wouldn't be able to know because either he isn't interested or he is and he would give you his attention.
@@user-un8jx8yo7z Uh, I can tell from what he says in the video and know I wouldn't want his attention.
I think the reason a lot of insecure dudes don't wanna date an average looking girl is because they want somebody hot to validate them since they don't feel like they're enough on their own
Why would you date someone you find ugly?
27:10 This part was interesting, being a brown guy in the UK i thought i'd have a better chance being white. Sometimes we just put ourselves in positions of any guys we see doing well and wish we could be them instead of us.
for real bro. super interesting when he brought that up. idk society wires us to think certain ways : /
Yeah like 'the grass is greener on the other side'
It's as if everyone single one of us have our own insecurities that we need to improve upon
Man, hearing hayden (hope thats how you spell his name) talk reminds me of how i used to think when i was like 16.... just kind of egotistical, constantly comparing myself to others, never feeling good enough, not really having the words to accurately express the emotions i'm experiencing... all i can say is, it gets better buddy. Give yourself time to learn and grow and mature, and as you grow, the world gets brighter, and you'll become the confident, sociable, and content person you never knew you could be. Hang in there, buddy, life's barely begun.
Hey Hayden, I was like you when I was 21. Now I'm 27 and my problem of being alone and sexless is the exact same except worse. Some of us are just not able to get with girls and the sooner we learn to accept this hard truth, the sooner we can move on and enjoy the many other parts of life
@@heythere9371 I've seen the nastiest, grodiest dudes with attractive women. Unless you're literally Quasimodo, I doubt you are actually "not able" to get girls.
@@heythere9371 the key is being fun to them, they can absolutely fall in love with ugly guys, they wont seek them though
hayden here is actually attractive and could get the girl, all he had to do was to tell her he liked her on the first impression in a pretty chill, non threatening way. "hey i think you are cute" would work, establishes your intentions. then give her space.
waiting until a girl is friends with you to make a move is a huge no no.
tinder profiles that are more successfull often have guys with proper posture with pics that look like the girl will have fun in the date (not money, but fun), beach, party, tropical journeys, waterfalls, biking, stuff like that
These conversations are such a nice break from all the fake shit out in the "real" world
How many people watch these and think damn that's me in alot of ways. I haven't watched one of these without finding a little of me in them. Thanks Dr. K. and team!
Physically this guy is exactly my type so it's a bit odd seeing him doubt himself so much
for real hes actually really attractive
@@yepyeah7494 ^
He might look cute (he does to me too) but you never know what's going on in someone's head: why is that they feel so worthless?
I definitely think mild autism comes into play with incels. It's harder to develop social skills and it creates this apparent barrier to women and to having friends in general, so you turn online.
And I think it's too painful for these men to acknowledge their deepest insecurities and traumas, so they scapegoat women, because they want to absolve themselves any responsibility for dealing with and coping with their pain.
Just watching the first few minutes, he has absolutely no confidence in his viewpoints and Dr. K asking him to explain his views leaves him visibly uncomfortable. Ffs he has imposter syndrome about not being "the biggest incel"
@@GalaxyGal- Nah it's not autism. It's a cycle growing up where a few aukward interactions when your young, builds this self perception that is negative. If your environment doesn't give you positive reinforcement, you pickup only on the negative reinforcement.. ie being shy which is reinforced by people being aukward around you, reinforcing being shy and negative
because women are extremely difficult to please on a mental level, are exhausting to interact with and just want to play games since they know if they communicate directly you will stop talking to them. instead, they just like to leave things up to interpretation, even after engaging in explicit acts. you're not allowed to be irritated with them. you're not allowed to experience disappointment in someone that is not yourself. you're not even allowed to want what all men want - the biggest sign a female does not like or respect you, there are only rules for men that they do not like. And when you're a man, everything is always your fault.
the reason why most incels are incels is not because of their social skills etc. it's because they have high standards and/or don't take care of themselves. they know what they want, but they have two eyes just like everyone else and can see what they want is not what most people want. they know they are not going to receive the type of love that they want from women. ever.
women all the time saying they want something serious but can't commit to a first date and think a guy who knows he wants to be married and is looking for a wife is a freak. They think a man they look down on is asking for too much in a relationship, but think a better man is going to ask for less, if not more lmao.
Then on top of all of this, if you can take no for an answer, handle rejection and say goodbye... NOW YOU JUST WANTED TO GET IN HER PANTS. YOU CAN'T JUST NOT HAVE TIME FOR SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T WANT YOU. YOU HAVE TO BE THE WORLDS MOST TERRIBLE PERSON FOR PREFERRING SOLITUDE TO THEIR COMPANY. Most women are annoying AF to deal with, if we wanted a headache it'd be a lot easier and faster for us to just slam our heads into a counter 7 times and take a couple shots.
At about 35 mins in where he opens up he shows to actually be decently self aware guy, at his age I wouldnt even come close to being that self aware I think, props to him.
I think it would be interesting to see some of the notes you take during the conversations. I'm always curious on doctor k's thought process and how he identifies what is important information and what is not.
Too relatable. I wonder how many of us have had that type of experience?
I ended up saying my feelings on mine, and got unfriended shortly after (had been friendly / chatted plenty for like 3 years before then). We'll get a success one day...
You know, it's really not about "success" or not. How clichè this might sound, you just have to find "the right one for you." Meaning; someone with a high interest in you.
You should never pursue a woman who has a low interest in you, you'll always end up disappointed. The same applies for women pursuing men that have a low interest in them. I'm sure you've been approached or even heard a girl ever having an interest for you, but you not having an interest for them?
You should never have to change who you want to be and what you want to do in order to get with someone. And even if you may end up "getting with" a "really good looking girl" that has a low interest in you, you'll find that (if you pick up on her low interest), it won't be all that good, no matter how pretty she is. I speak from experience. There's nothing to gain from there. No, true affection comes when both want each other as much and nothing else is worth pursuing.
@John Sampson chill
John Sampson bro... relax...😢
Haha, I had that same experience when I was 19 in 2009. Except I got ghosted outta the blue one day.Never seen her since. Dont even know if shes alive. I never really "fell in love" in my life(sure,I had TONS of crushes but this one was intense) before but I did towards her.Unfortunately. I pray you guys find someone "stable"(not financially, mostly internally) and isn't the type to give others false hope.Ghosters are shitbags.
@John Sampson sounds like you need to get to a gym and get your confidence up friend
O shnap, this one contains Dr. K's LORE
L O R E
Was a great talk!
Also great material for a Dr. K out of context video :D
which btw I could not resist to make one..so its on my channel :P
@@twitchexpedition8239 It's a great video had a good laugh! I'm currently watching this one at 27:41 and went for the comment section just because of what you pointed out lol
@@ezequielsonego811 Thanks!:)
@@ezequielsonego811 literally just happened as I looked at the comments xD
This is amazing. Thanks to both of these fine gentlemen for the conversation. I’m sure it’ll help MANY people out there, very much so myself included.
One thing I really appreciated was how Dr. K did his questioning on Incel and what it means to be one and why that’s bad.
Incel is so heavily stigmatized it makes people ashamed to talk about it if they see themselves as one. And not talking about it is a great place for bad beliefs and more self-hatred to fester.
Again, thank y’all both for this beautiful conversation. I hope you realize how much benefit it provides to people.
The reason it is always "fake" incels is because the real ones don't want to self improve...
why use the fucking stupidest word ever incel, when they are just virgins. Ita always been called being a virgin. Talk about trying to reivente the wheel
@@frans7995 because not all virgins are incels, even though all incels are virgins
@@BringBackOGClubPenguin Couldn't have put it better myself.
There's no such thing as a "fake" incel. You're either an involuntarily celibate person or not. The rest is just your bias against them.
@@BringBackOGClubPenguin Most are virgins but some incels arrive there later in life or have gone to get “professional help”. On some level they can’t get laid.
This one hit hard. I don't consider myself an incel, but I have gathered quite a bit of nuggets of wisdom from this episode. I've recently heard of Dr. K and I love the parallels he draws from gaming and eastern philosophy. I'd love to have a therapy session with him now.
Dr. K said there’s a Chad within you and I looked at the guy and didn’t see the insecure incel that he was portrayed to be. I saw this really confident dude that has lost his way and has fell down into insecurity. Dr k said that and I instantly saw his potential. It also helped me to see that potential in myself
At 1:32:40 I burst into tears of joy seeing his face light up like that. Im usually so emotionally supressing but omg that made me so happy idk why!
It hurts to listen to someone so broken. Find self worth first and start to care less for superficial things like whether someone is "highly attractive"
Why these so-called "incels" seem to be the most likable guys.Btw kudos to guy for speaking his heart out...can resonate so much with his emotions.
God this is such a beautiful helpful video. I just paused every now and then to ask myself similar questions and things just began to flow 😭😭😭😭 I got my answers to my issues and I recognized that fear of testing things, of treating others like npcs and shouldering all the decision. It’s so brutal, but kind and relieved at the same time m. I have to do it. I have to have the conversation, lay how I feel (not uniderectional) and listen to what the other has to say. I can’t stop crying, it feels so good.
I love the question 'How do I be ok with my shit pie?' Some easy answers are to look up recipes for a type of success/flavor you actually value. Share it with people who will eat your shit pies and tell you it's crap but they're genuinely glad you tried (friends and family). Hand it out to people who are good at rating them and ask for help (personal mentors and therapists). Heck you can even try making a bunch and giving them to strangers to just get comfortable sharing with people. Understand that some people have different tastes.
Improve what you can and share it with people even if it takes some time. Good luck and one day you'll find someone YOU think is pretty and they'll eat a whole feast and ask for more and cook you pies you love as well and be overjoyed you both found eachother.
Thanks for the video Dr.K, I know this guy might not have gotten much out of this but I certainly did.
When he sat up, he seemed so confident even without speaking.
You have such a kind heart, Dr K! With your expertise as a psychiatrist, that is the best combination.
Real interesting episode. I was able to ask myself some questions that caused some self-reflection. Boosh!
I am right now going through a similar situation as him, though his case seems a lot more tangled up than mine. I made up mind to talk through the girl that I hang out with, and I now know how I am going to do it thanks to Dr. K. I have already sent embarrassing and cringey messages to her--but that embarrassment is my own judgment. I admit I am insecure and flawed, but let her taste the pie and decide if she likes it. Thank you Dr.K.
How'd it go?
@@gosue8515I got rejected and ghosted, but I feel sad for a different reason. I miscommunicated and ended up annoying her irl, and I blurted out on text message. It was a mistake from inexperience and social anxiety. She said it's fine and we can still talk sometime, but I got ghosted afterward. Tbh, I am not even sure if she was annoyed. I had been super sensitive to every action of her, and I got paralyzed when I felt she got annoyed by me when the only thing I said was hi.
In conclusion: I shot my self on the back due to hypersensitivity and false imagination, but I will never know the truth.
The "feeling" part didn't quite work because she needed clarification and I had to eventually tell her I had crush. So even tho I attempted to sound not like a confession (and I wasn't going for a confession), the ambiguity made it more awkward.
I am still figuring out the lesson I learned. If I can go back in time, what I would do differently is to speak what's on your mind. She was very interesting and smart, but I was afraid to say it because it might sound cheesy or flirty although I genuinely meant it. This, I regret the most--repressing the urge to show gratitude, relatability, and my own opinions. I now firmly understand that such action can only come from knowing and accepting who you are first. When she asked what I do, I was afraid to say anything and just kinda skipped the question. I was afraid of being judged as lame--which turned out to be a self fulfilling prophecy. I am interesting person only if I believe so, and to believe it you need to know who you are--accept who you were in the past, present and imagine your future. Every version of you at any time is you, and they all have stories. It doesn't matter if it is boring af because as long as you keep thinking positive, they won't be as boring and people will even admire you for being mature. Well, at least in my hypothesis lol.
For practicality, work on observing what is on your mind and expressing it. Doesn't need to be masterfully articulate because I realized that figuring out what you want to say is just another part of conversation. I had many things to say to her, but they were all vague and I didn't know how to express them, and I was scared. I was mostly just shut up and she did all the talking. There seems to be a difference between being a good listener versus being repressed.
If there's anything more I can think of, I will update this. But I feel like a new door has been opened to me after this encounter. Maybe it is just a temporary rush of some hormones, but it seems that I can make use of it at least.
Wish you luck of whatever you are going through!
I loved how the pie analogy came full circle, when he said: "what you want is someone to eat your pie". The movie American Pie was apply named indeed :D
I have plenty of L’s from guys I liked in my past but that’s life, however there was one in particular I had the guts to tell them how I felt and they knew I liked them all along but didn’t feel the same about me thus they tried to not make me like them anymore by being petty/rude (especially in front of friends).... and it hurt so bad.
I’m keeping my chin up, though. Gotta find the light in the darkness, in way or another. Thank you Dr. K for being amazing and pathetic with us
The description is the most ruthless thing I've ever seen lmao
That pie analogy was really funny.... and I do that all the time when it comes to girls.
the thing i respect most is him having the self awareness and motivation needed to want to change / get help. that's all it takes and that we can ask / hope for in people :)
He wants an above average looking girl and won't settle for less he needs to get over himself
agreed. but, unfortunately not many people do and I think that's partially because of the way society tells them to get help. I'm referring to people who just say "get therapy" in a sort of condescending way. Like they want you to get help not because they care, but because you're an inconvenience to them.
After seeing the wide array of societal issues and personal issues that many of Dr. K's interviews have addressed, I'd love to see an interview with a gymcel cuz there's a lot of different issues there I'd like to see addressed
bruh, i would not have the patience to deal w my guy. noah fence. not just because of his misogynistic views or whatever but the way he expresses himself and delays everything. mad props to Dr K
The pie analogy is so perfect. It helped me understand it so smoothly.
Making pie and needing someone to like your pie is a path to codependency lol
THANK YOU SOO MUCH!!!! this has cleared my mind soo much and now i under stand what im doing wrong.
How so?
So around middle school I didn't have really much problems talking to people and I actually like the person and we had a good we had a good relationship and everything was going fine she had to eventually go to another school and I started meeting like other people and started branching. So I started talking to this other girl a for like a month and so i got to the point that I really like this girl and I wanted to date her i brought her to a really nice place and ask her if she wanted to date and she pretty much said that she didn't want to date. 3 days later she started dating another person and stopped talking to me. From there on I pretty much got hurt and without knowing I was pretty much brought my self down to the point that I could talk to girls and I just didn't understand why I couldn't date them so I pretty much gave up. but when I saw this video I understood that the reason I couldn't date anyone was because I was so scared to get hurt again that I didn't give a changes to any girls that tried to talk to me .
Sorry if this is long
@@gmjesus2876 It was a good read, glad to know that something clarified for you! Hope you do well
Respect to Dr. K for his patience and lack of judgement here. I don't think I could have handled this one, frustrating to listen to.
Hayden, on the very off-chance that you see this, rejection happens to everyone who dates. Full stop. I've turned down guys who were into me when I wasn't into them, and I've been turned down by guys I was into when they weren't into me. I also developed feelings for a friend, approached him, and he (gently) shot me down. Life went on and we're still friends. You don't need (and will never get) all women to like you--you just need one.
Damn I needed this, thanks
Then why should i keep dating if i only get rejected? I dont want to date girls to be rejected all the time. For a person that is sentimental and develops feelings to someone else rejection is destructive. They cant just move on and try to approach another person like its a game with a fresh start
@@ext1ncc898 Glad I could help. Pretty much everyone I've spoken to says that dating sucks.
@@bazejkrawczyk7523 It's 100% a valid choice to stop dating temporarily or permanently. Personally, I also end up feeling like the whole dating game is rigged against me, although for slightly different reasons than you. That said, if someone opts not to play the game or put in the work necessarily to find a partner, then I don't really think that they can turn around and complain about not having one. For most guys, perfect partners just don't fall from the sky into their arms. It takes work to meet people and work to build a successful relationship.
@@oesteful Ofcourse it takes work. But from my example, two times have i built a strong relationship and two times have i been rejected and hurt badly with the second one completely burrowing me in a deep depression. I am now legitimately scared of approaching someone else and starting anew. Is it all worth the risk of getting hurt and living with that feeling who knows how long? Because the chance of success is quite minimal compared to failure.
It's amazing how much better dr k is than any mental health professional I've seen.