I really wish I knew about your videos prior to being married. I made every single one of these mistakes with my ex-husband, and he sure used every single one of them against me. Isolated me from friends, family, and thought I'd never be able to leave him with three children, BUT GOD!! Ladies, listen to Tony! I thought I was being transparent in the name of Christianity. That man pulled me so far away from God with every year I stayed in that marriage and we were "church leaders", picture-perfect on the outside. Love yourself, be assertive, and lead with the story of you, not your trauma. I am 5 years divorced, and through these videos, therapy, and self work, I have done some major introspection and HEALING without dating until being ready. And even then, I have to gut check with these videos every now and again when I feel my trauma wanting to respond instead of me. Thank You, Tony!
❤ amen, I was fortunate enough to be blessed with a father, who enlighten me with this wisdom growing up, although I did not listen, had to learn the hard way😂
And believe him when he tell you how he is. Men are not complicated. Most are very predictable and will reveal themselves in a few short weeks at best. When he does, believe him and make your decisions accordingly
Ladies he just gave you a $100,000 worth of information for free! This is the truth! Older woman here, if I may piggyback and add-- apply the same guidelines for women friends as well. If she is a friend that you made after adulthood, keep the same principles. Unless you grew up with her and she already knows your history don't tell her everything either.
1) Never tell a man about your trauma, go to a Therapist and/or coach. 2) Never tell a man how many men you've slept with. 3) Never tell a man your complete vision of what you want in a man. 4) Never tell a man about your last relationship 5) Never tell a man too much of your family business
@@ines-simpson Exactly. They want superficial conversations, which is why their relationships fail. They can't have hard convos. I peeped this about males a long time ago. They want the benefits of a relationship with the input of stranger saying "Hi" to you in passing 😂
Tonys 5 thing: 1. Past trauma 2. Body count 3. What you want in your partner 4. Conditions under which previous relationships ended (see #1) 5. Family business My one addition (imo) 6. Finances, career goals 🤞🏻 Edit at 1.2k likes: ma look, I’m famous.
Like your addition 👏👏 Realized men can be envious/jealous of their partner. My recent ex would mock that I made less money than him. He’d also sabotage my growth or make sny comments about it. It also felt he was constantly in competition with me.
Can someone clarify? What if you are in a committed relationship with someone, are you not supposed to talk about your past? How do you then really learn about each other and learn what makes someone character the way that it is?
I take it as, share the lessons you have learned over you life, but do not look to your partner to analyze and interpret and heal from your life traumas. @@ttarezo9309
@@TellsGotit I understand that when you first meet someone obviously don’t offload all of your trauma, but eventually, when you start dating, that person is going to wonder things like “what did he go through to make him so guarded?” “What did she go through to make her react like that” you know? Because a lot of the time we react on a subconscious level. Our experiences build our characters and the different nuances we have. So I think it’s okay and can be healing to share.. it’s all about timing
Basically, don't share anything negative about yourself. Avoid mentioning any negative experiences or mistreatment from others, as man may use that against you. Those who engage in such behavior are often narcissistic, and there are many of them. I learned this the hard way. I was already aware of the points you mentioned, and you're right about the part where they might try to inquire about your trauma to exploit you. I have mentors I follow, so I don't need emotional support from a man unless it's related to money and growth. Remember, don't share your history with anyone unless they have earned it. 💕
I tried really hard to avoid these discussions with the last guy who tried to date but he began to badger me so much about it (and saying I must have something to hide) that it became exhausting and miserable. I was so relieved to tell him it was not working out. Imagine if we had started a relationship!!!
I really think he had low self-esteem and was intimidated by my success and self-confidence. He wanted info he could try to use against me to either feel worthy or to make me feel unworthy. I am so glad I saw the red flags.
As a 61yr old woman. I am single and childless, by choice and I learned that we tell too much too early. I like having good conversation, but some men don't like talking and don't want you asking them questions because they are gathering information on how to trick or treat you in the future. The information pops when a disagreement or argument occurs. As you know men and women can put on Oscar winning performances until the mask falls off. In my opinion many men don't believe in seeing a therapist.
Replying to 5 this you don't tell: women in my family always said you never tell a man everything and I have lived by that. That includes money, relationships, family, trauma. My husband never knew how much money I made.😂
@@amalyah46 you just sounded proud and confident. Super Curious at “grandparent age” are you still happy with life, without any grand kids. I never liked the idea of having kids but I dream about being a grandma. That always excited me thinking about it.
Here is one Tony. Don’t talk bad about yourself, calling yourself fat, butt to big, small, complaining about what you don’t like about yourself your feet etc. He must see that you love and accept yourself. Let him see you working on you taking care of you. Own your power with a man.
Love this so much‼️. Not that I get talked to a lot by guys - hardly ever- but I find I do this all the time. I think it's like a defense mechanism- I'm gonna talk bad about myself before you do - I guess to show you I already see my issues so no reason for you to bring them up - crazy 🤷🏽♀️
Discretion is critical. Learn to listen, observe body language, and be selective about what you share on dates. Take your time to get to know someone. Avoid over sharing!
1) Never tell a man your pain, brokenness. 2) Never tell a man how many men you've slept with. I'll rather get to know you for you and not judge you by your past. 3) Never tell a man what you want in a man, he will act it out and drop you for another 4) Never tell a man about your last relationship. Never talk about your ex with your next.The person who talks least has the greatest power. He is not my therapist. 5) Never talk to a man about your family. It will inform his decision about you.
@blessingbassey6069 And you all listen to men like this and wonder why you single and alone. Because regardless women like it or nor you alls past matters just like a man's future matters, what he does for a living and how much he makes to women let's be real. So all that you just said you coming to a man in bad faith and trying to be deceitful and don't no man want that but you and women like you want a real man💯🤣🤣
@@estephianunderwood9573okay well then most of Us won't get a Man since they ONLY want Women who don't "have a past" that includes trauma. I don't see the problem here. The Women who are what Men want will get a Man... WHY talk crap to and about the Women that Men don't want anyway? Like, leave Us undateables alone. Eventually, there will be so many of Us that We will have an alternate dating market altogether where the people who have rocky pasts, body counts, aren't fit, blah blah blah get together bc they genuinely like each other and appreciate the strength of a survivor not bc they're checking boxes & being judgy. Y'all literally be yelling at the VERY Women y'all don't even want! What is the purpose of that? Women that don't even know Y'all, have no connection to Y'all, or would never date Y'all... it's lunacy.
@estephianunderwood9573 the mans past matters also. For example, if you used to be gay, in prison, on drugs, unemployed for more than 60 days, etc. But as a woman I will add that I don't keep secrets and it has been used against me.
I was conversing with a guy who jumped in my DM. We eventually exchanged numbers and of course he asked when was my last relationship, I told him it had been five years. Long story short two weeks in we had a disagreement, he told me that’s why I’ve been single for so long because I don’t know how to treat a man and another five is going to go by and I’m still going to be single 🤣🤣. He was mad because he said I suppose to text and call him every day, I told him dude you never give me a chance to text you first because you’re always texting me at 5am and when I told him we should talk on the phone he said he don’t have time for phone conversations. I told him I’m no longer interested and he can cancel our date because he’s showing signs of a diva and a psycho 🙄.
Sound like he got somebody else if all he wants to do is text and the nerve of him to try and manipulate the situation in his favor like sir if you want to be treated like a young lady just say that 🤦🏽♀️
That was really mean of him considering he wouldn't have even known how long you've been single if you hadn't told him! And men who think women being single for long periods is a negative thing are most likely watching RUclips videos telling them that! Lol
Ive made all of these mistakes. I think it comes down to healing before entering a relationship. It's difficult not to speak on your trauma when your trauma is with you everyday, because you want to share whats on ur mind. But after you heal, you're able to have conversation beyond that. You no longer feel like ur hiding something if u dont mention it.
A man asked about my past and I told him about my trauma and 20 min later, he used it against me. This was a man I knew and thought I could trust. Women, listen to Tony. Don’t make the same mistake I did. Men will use it to make you feel weak and turn your trauma against you. Listen to this video until all of it is ENGRAINED in your BRAIN!! Thank you Tony. Bless you all.
@genevas I agree. Tony has been such a blessing. As for those 5 things…, Like Prov 3:3, “…write them upon the table of thine heart.” Tony, we appreciate you.
Yeah but it works for friendship too. If a person used your weakness and bad experience against you when they are angry they are NOT trustworthy . I still need to know your past in a way to evaluate who you are today, if you are healing, healed or in denial . Because if you are not in the process of healing I am not wasting my time with you
Yes this is why they want drink dates . Apart from the fact it makes you more willing to have sex , it makes you spill a lot more then. Always say no to drink dates, coffee dates and home dates of u don’t know tht man
Being open and vulnerable is apart of building a relationship. If you do not feel like you can disclose and open up to someone it is probably an indication you shouldn't be dating them.
This is what our fathers need to show and tell us from a child and throughout adulthood! We as black women have a long history of having no boundaries, trusting people blindly,giving access to our mind,body, and soul and also our resources,home,car, money, family,friends,and social circle,to where its almost impossible to stop this cold turkey or at all! It is so exhausting being a black women! Lord please be a fence around me! AMEN!
Brother Tony is absolutely right! I made this mistake with my last relationship. Thought he was my “best friend”. He used everything I told him against me and as ammunition in arguments. He even told others my business and tried to turn my family and friends against me with certain information. Be wise and have discernment ladies. Many of these men don’t have your best interest at heart.
I got out of a relationship about 8 months ago that used everything against when I was coming from a sincere place by telling him about my abusive relationships!! However, I've just learned that a person will show you who they are and it doesn't take long period so run like hell!!!
So true. Worldly men and time wasters always want to know much about you early on, because they don’t plan to stay. A man that’s in it to win it, won’t be in a rush to know everything so soon. Also, I have noticed that, bad boys always focus on the relationship you had with your dad and or past lovers, because no matter what you say, negative, they are looking for your weak points, so that they can replicate it. I made the mistake and told a guy who was pursuing me about my dads bad attitude, somehow, he began being douchey towards me and he even asked me, is it true that girls marry their dads. Serpents, sociopaths and narcissists always look for weaknesses, insecurities and desperation in a woman because they are the takers not the stayers. I’m so glad my discernment weeds wrong men out fast and fornication is not an option for me so I always walk away on top, dignity in tact. Bad men are use to women running their mouth so when you have boundaries such as myself, they flee. Ha! I talk about these kind of men on my podcast, which can be heard on Apple “Decoding Spiritual Mysteries”
My late husband of 32 yrs and I had all these conversations within the early years. It helped us grow closer together. We were able to laugh or cry about things together. We had the maturity to have innerstanding that we all have a past that is still a part of you and your journey, and that is embracing each other wholeheartedly. We became each other's best friend until the very end. We grew into love with one another. If you can't share the most intimate things with a man you are considering a serious relationship with, you are not being transparent. Not a good foundation.
I appreciate advice but have to say as a woman there are so many people/podcasts etc that says do this or don’t that as a single woman… it is extremely overwhelming and a bit disheartening from my perspective.
I agree because being naked and unashamed is essential in marriage. Especially Godly marriages. However, I imagine the speaker is speaking to a world full of all kind of characters and maturity levels.
@@jaymitaylor9937so true, they can't handle the truth even if they were the ones who asked for it. I learned this very important thing: preserve your innocence when it comes to a man. Do NOT tell him anything that could tarnish the positive image he has of you and do not EVER talk about other men - even if he asks. It's a setup and he WILL use it against you. Men care very much about how other people, esp other men perceive his woman and they like to think the woman he has is a rare jewel that no other man has touched or has access to. So play into that, and remember, often, saying less IS more.
@@Thedirtylittletruth exactly! It’s mad steps you have to take just to get a solid partner. I just want to be myself and find someone like that, no games, just honesty and respect.
@@Thedirtylittletruth It is more like "Don't tell anything to a man that won't be your man, you have to discern that most man you encounter will have hidden agendas...
Well ma'am you might not tell a 👞 nothing based on what your mother & this gentleman is saying,.....but a persons (PASS ) has it 's on ways without your (Mouth 👄), of coming to the (Light 🕯️) exposing, & revealing, it's self to the very individual you chose to stay (Silent) with about it.
I learned all of this a couple of years ago and I live by these things. Recently a man I met was asking me why things ended with my last relationship and I let him know that's the past and I didn't want to talk about my ex, rather learn about him and get to know him better. And then I'm thinking to myself like " why are you even asking me that? How does that help you learn about me as a person ? "
Everything one does, how you act and react, how you think, what's important to you gives him clues to who you are as a person. It's all relevant. You can also identify red flags. Someone refusing to answer that would be a red flag for me...like, what are you trying to to hide?
@@divaxsonto it's up to your personal comfort level. Usually one doesn't share because they are ashamed or embarrassed about past behavior or they don't trust others or don't want to be vulnerable at all or especially in the beginning. There are so many factors to your and the other person's level of emotional maturity and self worth which directly dictate ones ability to be open, honest and forthcoming. I believe if one is not able to own ones past and take accountability for your part of your past, you've still got healing work to do. If you aren't ready you can just say honestly you aren't ready to share this information yet, or you're still working through these aspects and would be open to sharing if and when this develops further or share in general and not specifics.
Dating is complicated... sometimes I feel we are contradicting ourselves....some say it's better if someone knows about you early in a relationship so that they decide if you're compatible. If you tell them late in a relationship, they say you lied abt yourself🤷♀️...it's a jungle out there! Thanks TG for the lessons nonetheless❤
You don't tell him,not at the beginning, not later,your past and your bf/husband has no connection, if it's not something that will affect our relationship,then I'll just seal off my mouth
I would like to add that a MAN should ALSO NOT be telling you all of his most recent trauma in his relationship either. I found myself being a "therapist " to a man who was going through an excruciating divorce and let me tell you. As a woman who has a lot of empathy, I grew emotionally bonded to this man because it felt like I was living his experience. I misconstrued what we were sharing as a "friendship". He called it friendship. But in the end, it was NOT in any way a reciprocal friendship. Once he completed his divorce, got custody of his child, and got spousal charges against him dropped, then he no longer "needed" my friendship and obviously did not have any qualms about ending it.
Never date men who are going through a divorce. My ex-husband had a new girl every month. And in the end, he ended up with none of them. You were his filler. Divorcing men call it another word, too vulgar for writing.
You were a destruction to him hunnay to keep him functional ....sorry you had to experience all that..I had the same encounter to.. we Unlearn to Learn ...
👌🏾 So, don’t tell a man you are empathetic, wear your heart on your sleeve, love hard,, etc. Basically, meaning, don’t imply that you will be his therapist.
You’re absolutely right! I didn’t fully tell my husband about my trauma until after we were married and guess what? His mask fell off, he was a closet narcissist and he used all my trauma against me and tested how far he could push me abusively until I left him for good. I should have followed my intuition bc I didn’t want to tell my ex what I’ve been through.
So what you’re saying is this video is absolutely WRONG, not “right.” You should have told him up front and saved yourself the abuse. The video is saying the complete opposite.
@calisongbird right bc if she has said it sooner (before marriage), he would’ve reacted the same way. And that defeats the whole point of this video🤷🏾♀️😂
@Make_emfall_inlovee Dont even say that. Cuz then they're gonna turn around and say that if they were GREAT men, then YOU must have been "The Problem" ...lol Keep it at: "just not for me"
@@MsSosoBellegirl that’s why I just don’t date 😂😂😩to solve this entire problem I don’t have time for the Narcissist men in the world. Nobody fixing to be sitting up playing all these mind games and walking on egg shells on what to say in order to control the way he’s gonna treat me in the long run no thanks lol .
@@jaymitaylor9937 🎯Exactly💯 I realized a long time ago dating is just a complex game that I'm not willing to learn hpw to play. I like simplicity too much and dating couldn't be further from such.
I'm a naturally private person anyway so it's not too hard for me to withhold information on the front end. However, once I warm up to people, I would share a little too much sometimes and I started realizing people would use that information to determine my value, see how far they could go by trying me, bringing things up later to "prove a point" etc. After my last situationship, I decided I wouldn't be sharing the details because for one it was embarrassing anyway and two I don't need anyone thinking because I went through that situation that I'll tolerate the same or worse. They'll feel like you're being audacious when you stand up for yourself and try to push you back down, based off what they know about your past. We go through things to rise up, learn lessons, become better individuals, establish boundaries self love/worth; so its an insult for someone to take that information, use it against you and think you're still the same person you were during that period in your life. It almost creates a whole new kind of trauma, so the therapist suggestion is gold. Very well put!!!
@@abisolaadesewa1624 I'm sorry you had to experience that. It feels like that at first, but time is going to be your best friend. I thought I'd never get over mines too but the more time that got in between me and the situation, the better things became. It also helps to discontinue engaging with them; everytime you engageit's like it reset the healing clock. I got through it and so will you 💟🫶💟🫶
They see you as imperfect and themselves as perfect. When they have so many issues that they never tried to dissolve before getting into another relationship. They will try to deceive you till the end. It is better if you pursue a relationship to tell the other person nothing about yourself and do not have sex with them, neither live in the same space. The old people have a saying. Come and see me and come and live with me are two different things. Be wise
@@abisolaadesewa1624 You can do better. Give yourself time to heal mentally, physically, etc. Take care of you. Just do not be intimate no one else. Let them work for your value.
@@abisolaadesewa1624OMGOSH me too. Have known him for 35 years. Dated as kids and then again recently. He assaulted me because he thought he saw me somewhere other than where i actually was and didn't believe it wasnt me when i said it wasn't. I later found out that he was seeing someone else he met on dating app months ago mind you we lived together and have been together on and off for the last 5 years. I know now he was projecting however this has left me not trusting anything anyone says and i know this will take a lot of work for me to heal from this.
I have never felt the loss of not having a dad until I just watched this video! I mean I know a good dad could’ve put me on the right path to monetary success but everything he mentions in this vid is every mistake I am constantly making and never had a man tell me that I’m doin it all wrong🥺.
It a bittersweet feeling reading through the comments. It’s reassuring to read how many of us women have endured and shared similar pains/experiences in our lives. Yet it’s painful to know how many beautiful, special women are not being properly loved, cherished , and respected as God intended us to be. May God bless, keep us strong and remind us everyday that we deserve to be loved. Remember, all we really need is his love and self love!!❤🙏
There are some things you never tell a man even if he is your husband. He may not always be your husband. My ex threw all my issues back at me after 26 years of marriage when he wanted out. A man is a man no matter what the relationship with him is. When he no longer loves you he will throw it all back at you.
I think people do this in geberal and hit back at low points but there’s something special about an objective non ego driven person whom doesn’t hit below the belt for tit for tat. And if they do it’s often because the truth needs to be heard The goal is to find someone you align with
I have a father but because of his rough childhood w a deceased father at a early age , I guess he could never open up . He never guided me on how to deal w men and wht type of man to avoid , Tony u are like the father I never had 🥹🥹🥹 I love all your videos Thankyou God bless
Measure of his character. Blessings in the storm. Imagine u didn’t know he was capable of that and you never told him and he treated you well. You would have wasted years with a devil to find out his true character later on. He took off his mask and showed he was a wolf. Did u a favor. He was blocking your blessing of a man capable of real love. You deserve to be with a person of integrity, manners, and morals. That’s immature and abusive. Not the woman’s fault. You did right by leaving him. Give thanks. There are men that would never. No one trying to marry the 9 out of ten that would. This guy in the video is bias from a male perspective. You got it sis. 💞💞💞💞
Everyone does that (Especially Family & So- Called Friends) not just a potential man your considering to be in a relationship with. Most people are not Honest with themselves, So...why would they be Honest with you??? 🤔 Not speaking about you personally, just people in general
The other extremely important part of this is one must love themselves before they seek someone else’s love. What I choose to do in my life as an adult is my decision, and not up for discussion. What someone chooses to share with me, I see it as a privilege, and that I am earning their trust. When you love yourself and put yourself a number one while dating, certain types of men will stay away from you, because your BS radar is always working. If it’s 20 years from now, and you share something with your husband that he uses against you, learning to laugh in his face, and walk away, will go farther than picking up an argument. Self confidence and ownership of all of your existence is what disarms bullies, narcissist, sociopaths, manipulators, and those who are intentionally seeking to strip you. When you learn to love yourself, you’re actually learning about the person that you may potentially end up with. You must become what you are looking for because at that point they won’t ask you, anything that would be harmful in the first place
Perfectly said, there are some things that I do and do , while interacting with men I don’t recommend my girlfriends to do. I’m a very different type of person, and I’m emotionally detached but also emotionally invested at the same time. Did you read this clearly….”emotionally detached “ I have no problem walking away.
Whew I wish I could’ve learned this lesson from this video rather than the hard way. I told a man about my traumas and things I’ve been through in previous relationships. I later found out he was running behind my back telling his baby mama my business and she would throw these things in my face when she would text and harass me. It was a hot mess and I thank God I was able to leave him alone. But ladies, protect yourself and your business. You never know who he’s sharing your business with or how he intends to use it.
Wow, that means he was playing both sides. Telling her your business to try and downplay whatever you and him had going on. Then that gave her audacity to come at you.
@@Prosperityessentials That’s exactly what it was. And she would come at me as if I was the only one getting played 🤣🤣 I just thank God I got out of the situation without a child. I would’ve hated to have been stuck with those people in my life. I wish them the best 🤷🏾♀️
Discretion is essential to a women’s value, respect, and influence. Disclosing information about your past and traumas to your mate under the guise of transparency, humility, or because of religious beliefs is very risky so I see how revealing these things slowly over time while observing one’s character, intentions, and measure of trustworthiness is important. I appreciate the wisdom and for being a ministerial servant for women Tony. 🙏
Over sharing is ny biggest problem 😭 I will literally talk to anyone! As I have no shame about what I've been through... But I definitely get it!! I've recently started back journaling to help from venting But it's hard sometimes
Me too. Why do we do that? Men tell me all their secrets, I tell no one. Next thing I know my secrets are the latest gossip. Now I say nothing. Best wishes
I remember when my ex used my past against me when I wanted out, but it still didn’t stop me from leaving. Learned my lessons now. He try to make me feel like there’s no life without him, he try to ruined me and take away your pride. That still didn’t break me because I knew that was the narcissist in him talking. I’ve healed and I’m in a good place thank God 🙏🏽
I think it’s good to be up front. I was very upfront with my now husband. I think it’s only fair to let them know what they are getting into. I told him that I believe in traditional gender roles. So, I believe in chivalry and expect whoever I marry to be able to support me as a stay at home mom. My friends couldn’t believe I told him those things before we were a couple. I was upfront with my past because it was polar opposite of his. I didn’t want to waste my time if he or his family didn’t accept certain things about me.
I agree 💯, I mean I get what he's saying but I also feel like not being upfront with someone is like lying to them. Why waste your time and their time. If they don't like what you have to say, then they obviously aren't meant for you.
Thank you Tony! This is 100 facts when telling a man all what you want. He will go and get the costume at Party City and ready to play! I learned that lesson.
At first I thought you were being too strict with this advice. Then I started thinking about my past relationships and remembered how information I shared was used against me. You’re absolutely, 100% right that we need to keep our business to ourselves until that man becomes a husband and even then I want to be careful what I share. Thanks, Tony. I needed to hear this.
I'm getting to the point where I don't feel comfortable sharing anything outside of a therapist. Everyone is capable of using everything against you. I also feel like looking for a partner is looking for a rainbow 🌈 unicorn 🦄. I've lost interest in dating, it seems so toxic.
What’s crazy is your describing my ex boyfriend; he told me all his and his family business within three months. Details of every failed relationship, what he wanted in his next one and was upset that a. I wasn’t appreciative of his vulnerability considering I consistently encouraged this man to go to therapy and b. at the end of the 3 years he still didn’t know ANYTHING 🙅🏽♀️ about me. Well as far as my past traumas and relationships and I didn’t tell him anything about my family, he didn’t even meet them until the 2 1/2 year mark and I met most of his family within 3 weeks. He was looking to use a relationship to heal him and I couldn’t do it.
If a man can't handle hearing about my trauma, he can't handle being my partner. If there's anything you think a potential partner shouldn't tell you, you aren't partner material yourself.
Hmmm 🤔But think about it even if you don’t do that what difference will it make if that’s in a persons character then they’ll do that regardless unless you want someone to present a fake version of themselves to you instead of showing their true colors of who they really are .
Here’s my two cents on this …. If you tell s man something and he uses it against you, run!!! 🏃♀️ A man who truly loves you will be sympathetic to your traumas and any situation you tell him.
I totally agree If a man is interested in you he would understand I feel when a man and a woman meet and open up about there pass then It show that they have had counseling and not afraid to be honest with someone.Tony is asking you to lie because his wife waited becy she wasn't comfortable telling because she didn't feel he would understand.Tony and his wife are just like anyone else He and her aren't IT as if they got all the answers I don't agree because to not tell someone now or then tells how that person feel ay themselves...can not be trusted tell the truth is going to come out .. regardless. Oh zI used to date your cousin..then wait until you married the n tell them ... right.Just because Tony's wife told him after wards proved she didn't feel he loved her that's why she waited years to tell the truth...sorry Wrong Answer,
Ladies, Tony’s speaking facts! #4 is so important bc a lot of men are subconscious followers of other men meaning he’ll treat you just like the last guy bc he hasn’t established his own principles of manhood to live by. Also, ppl tend to treat you however you allow, so be prepared to be tested and tried when you take Tony’s amazing advice! Let him learn you frfr-no cheat codes.
It’s unsettling to hear there are ‘people’ out there that get into romantic relationships to take advantage of others and to use, abuse then discard them. I’d rather stay single, less drama!
This is exactly why I always tell people that me and my ex outgrew each other when they ask why my last relationship ended. That's the only info someone will ever get out of me concerning my last relationship. These men are something else these days and most of them belong in the trash🗑️
All this is true but its ashame that a person can be real about upfront .lol thats why i choose to be single , im having dealings with God things been going steady too❤🙏🏼🙌🏽
This information is so accurate! I was extremely vulnerable with my ex-husband. I shared things with him that I never spoke out my mouth. During the divorce process he used every childhood and life trauma that I disclosed against me. He even tried to use my past trauma to win full custody of my child.
That’s how men move. When they don’t want you anymore they hit the bank account and will throw all types of venom. And they say women are treacherous. You can’t tell a men everything. They judge you. And people talk about if you are married lol. My ex husband threw every secret I ever shared with him in my face and we were together almost 30 years. These silly married women think it won’t ever be them. Keep living.
Tony, you are absolutely correct. You are talking facts and you do not have to be concerned about the other relationships coaches. They are not you. My mama used to say take your burdens to the lord and leave them there. A man cannot save your problems. Men gossip worse than women. They are not loyal.
Everything you said here is true 100 %. It is said though that we have to be inherently aware that a man will use and abuse any woman who remotely trusts him. It’s so tiring to be on guard.
Powerful message. There are things I’ve learned in relationships that I wish I did not know. Transparency and honesty is great. Don’t release too much information too soon.
I am so glad you spoke on telling a man what you are looking for. My response is " I don't tell what I am looking for because you many intentionally or unintentionally emulate those traits and I am trying to get to know the real you."
This is good, especially when talking to someone new. It’s a good reminder to keep it cool and chill. Trauma bonding can be easy to slide into as well.
I believe that before starting something new, you must heal from your past and be ok with self first. So, when and if you run into someone new and you share things, the blows won't hit you so hard because you have elevted above your past and who you are today is not who you were yesterday. You made it through, darling. Understand if the attacks do come, that person is operating from where they are and we have to be discerning.
My mom drilled all of this into me for years. I've also made all these mistakes and saw that my mom was right all along. This video backs her up. I forwarded it to her.
0:58 I had to pause right here & holler! 🙌🏽 Only a minute in and he’s speaking so much truth. Sharing your trauma is a bad bad move. I have learned my lesson. Ladies, despite what society may applaud- it is not our job to heal or fix a man. Let him do his own work and you do yours. A healthy relationship requires two healthy individuals. ❤
A man is not your friend or confidant! Be strategic at all times with men because that's the only way you'll be able to survive and thrive! Larsa Pippen Tiger Woods ex wife are teaching me to be intentional and strategic when dealing with the opposite sex! Most men can't be trusted with your weaknesses,secrets, and past! AMEN!
I can see the point with all of these. My only fear is coming across too cryptic and cagey and thereby turning off the person attempting to get to know me. What are some of the 5 subjects you SHOULD go in deep about in the dating phase to show you’re open to getting to know the person?
This is very good and a question I also wanted to pose… mostly bc I’m guilty of over sharing thinking I’m bonding. I know from repeatedly making these mistakes, that Tony is absolutely correct. Hopefully he sees this and makes a follow up for us!!
I'm not an expert but to get the ball rolling from my experience. Here's a few: 1) Current interests: That could be sports, hobbies, a goal you would like to achieve soon or even recent changes you may have made in your life that are not too compelling in nature (ie. recently relocating to a new city, recent travel, anything you've been doing lately to improve your life/self: diet, exercise, taking on a new philosophy). 2) Current healthy and vital relationships. If you get along really well with your siblings, family, roommates or whomever, speak of them positively and show gratitude for those relationships. See how he responds and if he has anything to add to that from his side. Also, notice if he leaves a mental gap here (but you can see him thinking) in the conversation here cz it may mean he already has a spouse or significant person. But if he openly discloses some of his significant positive relationships then there's a chance he's in a healthy space. 3) What are you are currently looking for in your love life - I don't suggest just going all in and telling someone on the first date that you're looking for marriage and kids (if you are - although you maybe can pull it off if you do it in a gentle, yet honest way - with a guy that has the right temperament). But don't be shy to tell them what kind of values you desire in a relationship. Honesty, truth, trust, loyalty, authenticity and fun. 4) Have fun, flirt naturally in the way you best know how, if this is someone that you actually find yourself liking and vice versa then it will be received and reciprocated graciously, and not necessarily too raunchily. It is so normal to flirt with the opposite sex, when there is an attraction. It's time for us women to be a little less rigid and a little more truthful in our sexuality when it comes to this. We have a lot of power and influence too. Your beauty will compel them to be more relaxed and gentle with you. 4) Pay him a gentle compliment and see how he responds. Men don't get complimented often enough and are expected to lead. That puts them in a vulnerable situation, believe it or not. If you can compliment him and he doesn't get insecure but actually receives it (and is genuinely happy about it) that's a massive green flag. Someone who's insecure and feels they're not worthy of you will act shifty instead. Some guys have to warm up to this but if he doesn't at all, he's absolutely not the one for you. 5) Have a sense of humor and be present to what's going on around you in the moment with this person. Pay attention to how this person responds to some of the stimuli that you respond to. It will tell you more about that person than words. Above all keep faith and keep God in the center of all that you do, including dating. It is natural to date and be attracted to men. Just make sure you also keep your dignity and self respect in the process. You never want to leave a date feeling like you've "bombed it" if it doesn't work out. Be true to yourself and authentic. And of course I urge no sex and keep the physical touch to a limit. That goes without saying.
There are playful ways to escape uncomfortable questions which would not make you come across as stiff and cagey. Done with a flirting smile, it’s an art that can be learned.
A have a friend always asking me question about my personal business but I don’t tell him anything because I notice he never talk about his past that’s why I donot tell him nothing about me at all
Tony, this one going viral as it should. This is important for women to know. Often times, women share way too much information with men. Unfortunately, most men in the world will use certain things against you.
So true because they will definitely use it against you and the easiest way for the enemy to attack you is through your child hood wounds if you have them. I say if these things has happened to you that Tony has mentioned, take time to self reflect and heal those wounds so if a man ever tries to use them against you, you have already healed that version of yourself and the enemy will instantly be defeated. 🙌🏾🙏🏾🌍❤️
If you really Think about it we shouldn’t even have to normalize this because if a man is truly for you he won’t do any of these things like flipping childhood traumas on you to use it against you. All of these things are characteristics of a toxic man.
I learned that the hard way when I told my ex about how many past relations. He threw it in a face every chance he got. My mother always told me to never tell a man everything. They use that information against you or try to play you..😡
I agree with it all. Never let that man know about your bank account(s) out the gate. There are male golddiggers out there and once they've gotten all that they want, they'll move on to the next.
Truth! I am saddened to see how common hobosexuals have become. I had a guy a couple of years older than me encouraging me to go for a promotion. He knew I was divorced after a 25 year marriage and living in a decent neighborhood and doing alright even without the job. He started talking to me about shacking, buying homes, etc. and I quietly listened while he revealed his true motives before I cut him off. I can't believe how many grown men are out here trying to freeload off women. It's important to be healthy before dating because these sharks are coming from all directions. Some men target divorced women with children (and alimony) and assets. Worse, I am already on guard against being the object of some man's fettish of black women. (I live in a predominantly white state), but I now I have to look out for the one's looking for a financial upgrade too. I've been single 5 years now and I'd rather stay single than jump into something crazy...again.😧😞😠
I have for sure told my daughter all of these!! These are so so true…like they use any and everything against you 😢very sad and I learned the hard way…but taught my girl well.
You know I agree with everything that you’re saying due to my experiences in relationships and it’s just mind blowing how manipulative, calculated and even “evil” men can be. Because I know I’m the type of person to never want to make my partner ever feel the same hurt again. That’s messed up and almost makes me sick to my stomach. Idk if it’s their upbringing or what, but something’s gotta change.
Yep, unfortunately it's not just men..... I have been back stabbed by females who would say I was like a sister to her to my face, but behind my back was a different story.... Some of our " homegirls " are sneaky narcissist too.
My Grandfather used to say, the one who speaks less has the power. It seems being so vague would appear like dishonesty. I’ve made all these mistakes in the spirit of transparency. 🙏
I followed all of this very well until my mother visited our home and stayed for 2 months. My mother did not know what’s inappropriate from appropriate to share. It really discredits and/or puts you in a vulnerable position when a man gets access to all the unnecessary information about you. As you do these helpful things remember to let your family members know your expectations before letting them in your space/home.
You have to train a man into respecting you by not revealing too much about yourself so that when he is around people wo disrespect you, he will correct them immediately no matter who it is.
Yup, stop giving these dudes a “script” that they can play a role with. In fact stop telling your business in general. Move in silence and build trust over time.
I love that advice but unfortunately the relationships often felt shallow to me and I could not evoke the type of intimacy I need to fall in love. So instead of giving them a script, I started upfront asking them what they were looking for before they had a chance to ask me.
This is terrible sad. I think the real convo needs to be men need to stop taking advantage of women. Us learning how to date toxic manipulative people is asinine.
I agree. It's like going through a minefield trying not to step on one that will blow up. Some people want you to accept their past and mess, but won't accept yours. It's hypocritical. There are still double standards for women and men. Hiding important information before you marry the person is deceptive. The best thing to do is pray about everything and be led by The Holy Spirit.
Many women are working on their healing, but there aren't enough men working on theirs. There's already of surplus of women compared to men. When you factor in the ratio of women doing the work vs the men actually doing theirs, just realize that it will take a mighty move of The Most High to level this playing field. Much love to you my sisters. 💖💓💝💗🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
I really wish I knew about your videos prior to being married. I made every single one of these mistakes with my ex-husband, and he sure used every single one of them against me. Isolated me from friends, family, and thought I'd never be able to leave him with three children, BUT GOD!! Ladies, listen to Tony! I thought I was being transparent in the name of Christianity. That man pulled me so far away from God with every year I stayed in that marriage and we were "church leaders", picture-perfect on the outside. Love yourself, be assertive, and lead with the story of you, not your trauma. I am 5 years divorced, and through these videos, therapy, and self work, I have done some major introspection and HEALING without dating until being ready. And even then, I have to gut check with these videos every now and again when I feel my trauma wanting to respond instead of me. Thank You, Tony!
Thanks for sharing this! It is so relatable!
❤😢
❤ amen, I was fortunate enough to be blessed with a father, who enlighten me with this wisdom growing up, although I did not listen, had to learn the hard way😂
But God! We both have similar stories!!! But God is faithful!!
You had to go through to be a Testimony! Your Testimony just Saved someone's Life ❤️
Over time, if you listen to a man long enough, he'll tell you who he really is, so listen...listen...listen.
And ask questions.......questions reveal motives
👂👂👂👂that’s right
Amen to that!
And believe him when he tell you how he is. Men are not complicated. Most are very predictable and will reveal themselves in a few short weeks at best. When he does, believe him and make your decisions accordingly
Sometimes it doesn't even take that long.. ask questions and if he gives vague answers ask some more..
Ladies he just gave you a $100,000 worth of information for free! This is the truth! Older woman here, if I may piggyback and add-- apply the same guidelines for women friends as well. If she is a friend that you made after adulthood, keep the same principles. Unless you grew up with her and she already knows your history don't tell her everything either.
1) Never tell a man about your trauma, go to a Therapist and/or coach.
2) Never tell a man how many men you've slept with.
3) Never tell a man your complete vision of what you want in a man.
4) Never tell a man about your last relationship
5) Never tell a man too much of your family business
thanks
So basically.. tell them nothing 😂
Thanks.
@@ines-simpson Exactly. They want superficial conversations, which is why their relationships fail. They can't have hard convos. I peeped this about males a long time ago. They want the benefits of a relationship with the input of stranger saying "Hi" to you in passing 😂
So very true!! They will definitely use these things against you in an argument or judge u. I'm 61 years old. I've finally learned this.
Tonys 5 thing:
1. Past trauma
2. Body count
3. What you want in your partner
4. Conditions under which previous relationships ended (see #1)
5. Family business
My one addition (imo)
6. Finances, career goals
🤞🏻
Edit at 1.2k likes: ma look, I’m famous.
Finance should be NUMBER ONE. Weeds out the Money-grab. You'll look attractive to a broke-ass-man!
Like your addition 👏👏
Realized men can be envious/jealous of their partner. My recent ex would mock that I made less money than him. He’d also sabotage my growth or make sny comments about it. It also felt he was constantly in competition with me.
@missybelle4644 I'm sorry you went through that. Just be you, it's the best revenge. Blessings 🙌 from Australia.
Don't these men have any SHAME!!!
Family and friends businesses
"Do not turn your lover into your therapist." "Go get a therapist."
That is so true.👏🏼
Can someone clarify? What if you are in a committed relationship with someone, are you not supposed to talk about your past? How do you then really learn about each other and learn what makes someone character the way that it is?
I take it as, share the lessons you have learned over you life, but do not look to your partner to analyze and interpret and heal from your life traumas. @@ttarezo9309
@@ttarezo9309 exactly why are you with a person u can’t talk about those type of things with if they care they should be willing to listen
@@TellsGotit I understand that when you first meet someone obviously don’t offload all of your trauma, but eventually, when you start dating, that person is going to wonder things like “what did he go through to make him so guarded?” “What did she go through to make her react like that” you know? Because a lot of the time we react on a subconscious level.
Our experiences build our characters and the different nuances we have. So I think it’s okay and can be healing to share.. it’s all about timing
Also your friends too.
Damn that's deep! "Let a man show who he is, instead of telling him who you want him to be." PERIOD 💯💯💯
Let a man show you who he is instead of telling him who you want him to be...💯I love it!!!
Facts that’s why I say I want you to be yourself I won’t tell them what I’m looking 👀 for in a man
Yessss very important
Exactly!
Yes I have been this way for years since my early 20s. I always say just be yourself and if I like you I’ll stick around. lol
@@brittthecancerqueenempress9137 this is the BEST answer. Every time I am asked this question I’m torn on what to say. THANK YOU
Can we add "don't tell a new man about your money"?
@@randomized559whew honey!… I agree. NOBODY knows where I live. My homegirl was like you private-private… um yes 😂
This should be common sense
@@randomized559 🤣🤣🤣… I love it.
@@randomized559 😍
@@randomized559so when they ask WHAT DO YOU DO? what does one say if they not saying their actual job/career?🤔🤔 this one is TOTALLY new to me sis 😮
Basically, don't share anything negative about yourself. Avoid mentioning any negative experiences or mistreatment from others, as man may use that against you. Those who engage in such behavior are often narcissistic, and there are many of them. I learned this the hard way. I was already aware of the points you mentioned, and you're right about the part where they might try to inquire about your trauma to exploit you. I have mentors I follow, so I don't need emotional support from a man unless it's related to money and growth. Remember, don't share your history with anyone unless they have earned it. 💕
I tried really hard to avoid these discussions with the last guy who tried to date but he began to badger me so much about it (and saying I must have something to hide) that it became exhausting and miserable. I was so relieved to tell him it was not working out. Imagine if we had started a relationship!!!
I really think he had low self-esteem and was intimidated by my success and self-confidence. He wanted info he could try to use against me to either feel worthy or to make me feel unworthy. I am so glad I saw the red flags.
@@ellebee9864 you dodged A HAIL OF bullets on that one!!!
I had to learn.....some men will use your vulnerabilities against you....😮
Facts!
Correct 👏🏽
So very true
Oh, I have found that 99% of them will if you let them.
I had an ex that laughed when I told him some of the trauma I went through. He laughed. I knew then, never tell a man your worries.
“Let a man show you who he is instead of telling him who you want him to be” THIS!!!!!
As a 61yr old woman. I am single and childless, by choice and I learned that we tell too much too early. I like having good conversation, but some men don't like talking and don't want you asking them questions because they are gathering information on how to trick or treat you in the future. The information pops when a disagreement or argument occurs. As you know men and women can put on Oscar winning performances until the mask falls off. In my opinion many men don't believe in seeing a therapist.
Replying to 5 this you don't tell: women in my family always said you never tell a man everything and I have lived by that. That includes money, relationships, family, trauma. My husband never knew how much money I made.😂
Thank you so much for the comment
Side question. Do you wish you had grand kids at this age? I always wondered what it would be like once we get older without kids/grandkids.
@@honeyisnatural5 never thought about it
@@amalyah46 you just sounded proud and confident. Super Curious at “grandparent age” are you still happy with life, without any grand kids. I never liked the idea of having kids but I dream about being a grandma. That always excited me thinking about it.
Here is one Tony. Don’t talk bad about yourself, calling yourself fat, butt to big, small, complaining about what you don’t like about yourself your feet etc. He must see that you love and accept yourself. Let him see you working on you taking care of you. Own your power with a man.
Right. Don’t talk poorly of yourself with yourself and expose your insecurities
💯
Good one!! 💯
Facts💯
Love this so much‼️. Not that I get talked to a lot by guys - hardly ever- but I find I do this all the time. I think it's like a defense mechanism- I'm gonna talk bad about myself before you do - I guess to show you I already see my issues so no reason for you to bring them up - crazy 🤷🏽♀️
Discretion is critical. Learn to listen, observe body language, and be selective about what you share on dates. Take your time to get to know someone. Avoid over sharing!
Amen
It’s hard
And pay apt attention to their actions/reactions and treatments to you -how it makes it feel. Are they all in sync? If they are - for good or for bad?
Amen.
That is so true!! I told my daughters never tell what you been through with the last dude just because then they know how they could play them.
1) Never tell a man your pain, brokenness.
2) Never tell a man how many men you've slept with. I'll rather get to know you for you and not judge you by your past.
3) Never tell a man what you want in a man, he will act it out and drop you for another
4) Never tell a man about your last relationship. Never talk about your ex with your next.The person who talks least has the greatest power. He is not my therapist.
5) Never talk to a man about your family. It will inform his decision about you.
@blessingbassey6069 And you all listen to men like this and wonder why you single and alone. Because regardless women like it or nor you alls past matters just like a man's future matters, what he does for a living and how much he makes to women let's be real. So all that you just said you coming to a man in bad faith and trying to be deceitful and don't no man want that but you and women like you want a real man💯🤣🤣
@@estephianunderwood9573okay well then most of Us won't get a Man since they ONLY want Women who don't "have a past" that includes trauma. I don't see the problem here. The Women who are what Men want will get a Man... WHY talk crap to and about the Women that Men don't want anyway? Like, leave Us undateables alone. Eventually, there will be so many of Us that We will have an alternate dating market altogether where the people who have rocky pasts, body counts, aren't fit, blah blah blah get together bc they genuinely like each other and appreciate the strength of a survivor not bc they're checking boxes & being judgy. Y'all literally be yelling at the VERY Women y'all don't even want! What is the purpose of that? Women that don't even know Y'all, have no connection to Y'all, or would never date Y'all... it's lunacy.
Thank you 😊
@estephianunderwood9573 the mans past matters also. For example, if you used to be gay, in prison, on drugs, unemployed for more than 60 days, etc. But as a woman I will add that I don't keep secrets and it has been used against me.
@RahYisrael99 No it really doesn't but okay think that. I bid you a good night
I was conversing with a guy who jumped in my DM. We eventually exchanged numbers and of course he asked when was my last relationship, I told him it had been five years. Long story short two weeks in we had a disagreement, he told me that’s why I’ve been single for so long because I don’t know how to treat a man and another five is going to go by and I’m still going to be single 🤣🤣.
He was mad because he said I suppose to text and call him every day, I told him dude you never give me a chance to text you first because you’re always texting me at 5am and when I told him we should talk on the phone he said he don’t have time for phone conversations. I told him I’m no longer interested and he can cancel our date because he’s showing signs of a diva and a psycho 🙄.
Sound like he got somebody else if all he wants to do is text and the nerve of him to try and manipulate the situation in his favor like sir if you want to be treated like a young lady just say that 🤦🏽♀️
Yikes
@@JaySmith. he was definitely acting like a woman. It was so many red flags, it was too much to type.
That was really mean of him considering he wouldn't have even known how long you've been single if you hadn't told him! And men who think women being single for long periods is a negative thing are most likely watching RUclips videos telling them that! Lol
@@joiagenae 😂
Ive made all of these mistakes. I think it comes down to healing before entering a relationship. It's difficult not to speak on your trauma when your trauma is with you everyday, because you want to share whats on ur mind. But after you heal, you're able to have conversation beyond that. You no longer feel like ur hiding something if u dont mention it.
Yessssss
A man asked about my past and I told him about my trauma and 20 min later, he used it against me. This was a man I knew and thought I could trust. Women, listen to Tony. Don’t make the same mistake I did. Men will use it to make you feel weak and turn your trauma against you. Listen to this video until all of it is ENGRAINED in your BRAIN!! Thank you Tony. Bless you all.
@genevas I agree. Tony has been such a blessing. As for those 5 things…, Like Prov 3:3, “…write them upon the table of thine heart.” Tony, we appreciate you.
Yeah but it works for friendship too. If a person used your weakness and bad experience against you when they are angry they are NOT trustworthy .
I still need to know your past in a way to evaluate who you are today, if you are healing, healed or in denial . Because if you are not in the process of healing I am not wasting my time with you
An abusive man will
Yes this is why they want drink dates . Apart from the fact it makes you more willing to have sex , it makes you spill a lot more then. Always say no to drink dates, coffee dates and home dates of u don’t know tht man
I made a mistake too I'm hurt and broken
Being open and vulnerable is apart of building a relationship. If you do not feel like you can disclose and open up to someone it is probably an indication you shouldn't be dating them.
Exactly
Exactly!
So a Lamb should Lean on a Lion s Shoulder? No!
@@G.G.276 lol 😂
The point here is not to disclose in the infancy of a relationship.
This is what our fathers need to show and tell us from a child and throughout adulthood!
We as black women have a long history of having no boundaries, trusting people blindly,giving access to our mind,body, and soul and also our resources,home,car, money, family,friends,and social circle,to where its almost impossible to stop this cold turkey or at all!
It is so exhausting being a black women!
Lord please be a fence around me!
AMEN!
@@annmorrow7112 Amen, Gods way is Best, had to learn the hard way.
@@latoya1928 no what you are seeing is demon seed...God didn't make that...sadly they are the product demon possession moving in generational cycles
Yes so true❤
Honestly, ALL women have this problem.
@@drea4373that maybe true but she said what she said and that is “BLACK WOMEN”
Brother Tony is absolutely right! I made this mistake with my last relationship. Thought he was my “best friend”. He used everything I told him against me and as ammunition in arguments. He even told others my business and tried to turn my family and friends against me with certain information. Be wise and have discernment ladies. Many of these men don’t have your best interest at heart.
True they work for the enemy of our souls
Yeh my ex Was the same . He was horrible and abusive. We are now divorced
A true narcissist!!!!! Evil as hell
I got out of a relationship about 8 months ago that used everything against when I was coming from a sincere place by telling him about my abusive relationships!! However, I've just learned that a person will show you who they are and it doesn't take long period so run like hell!!!
Agreed@annmorrow
So true. Worldly men and time wasters always want to know much about you early on, because they don’t plan to stay. A man that’s in it to win it, won’t be in a rush to know everything so soon. Also, I have noticed that, bad boys always focus on the relationship you had with your dad and or past lovers, because no matter what you say, negative, they are looking for your weak points, so that they can replicate it. I made the mistake and told a guy who was pursuing me about my dads bad attitude, somehow, he began being douchey towards me and he even asked me, is it true that girls marry their dads. Serpents, sociopaths and narcissists always look for weaknesses, insecurities and desperation in a woman because they are the takers not the stayers. I’m so glad my discernment weeds wrong men out fast and fornication is not an option for me so I always walk away on top, dignity in tact. Bad men are use to women running their mouth so when you have boundaries such as myself, they flee. Ha! I talk about these kind of men on my podcast, which can be heard on Apple “Decoding Spiritual Mysteries”
My late husband of 32 yrs and I had all these conversations within the early years. It helped us grow closer together. We were able to laugh or cry about things together. We had the maturity to have innerstanding that we all have a past that is still a part of you and your journey, and that is embracing each other wholeheartedly. We became each other's best friend until the very end. We grew into love with one another. If you can't share the most intimate things with a man you are considering a serious relationship with, you are not being transparent. Not a good foundation.
Thank you for saying this. Somebody had to be the light!
There's always an exception to the rule
He didn’t never discuss he don’t tell upfront (immediately, two-5 days of knowing someone.
I appreciate advice but have to say as a woman there are so many people/podcasts etc that says do this or don’t that as a single woman… it is extremely overwhelming and a bit disheartening from my perspective.
I agree because being naked and unashamed is essential in marriage. Especially Godly marriages.
However, I imagine the speaker is speaking to a world full of all kind of characters and maturity levels.
I love how Tony ends the video when his wife call, nothing should come before family, That’s why Tony the OG. 🙌🏾🙌🏾
Agree 💯 dating is NOT therapy. Unless he is your husband it’s none of his business.
It's true! Don't talk about your ex with your next!!!! A man once told me that it's very unattractive!
Then they shouldn’t ask or bring it up , they ask then get mad when we give them the answer they don’t want to hear
@@jaymitaylor9937so true, they can't handle the truth even if they were the ones who asked for it. I learned this very important thing: preserve your innocence when it comes to a man. Do NOT tell him anything that could tarnish the positive image he has of you and do not EVER talk about other men - even if he asks. It's a setup and he WILL use it against you. Men care very much about how other people, esp other men perceive his woman and they like to think the woman he has is a rare jewel that no other man has touched or has access to. So play into that, and remember, often, saying less IS more.
I never say anything unless they bring it up.
Men end up asking anyway.
Most of them will ask.
My mom always said to tell a man nothing. Now I know and understand what she meant.
Lol I agree now but whats the point of them then 😢
@@Thedirtylittletruth exactly! It’s mad steps you have to take just to get a solid partner. I just want to be myself and find someone like that, no games, just honesty and respect.
@@Thedirtylittletruthexactly
@@Thedirtylittletruth It is more like "Don't tell anything to a man that won't be your man, you have to discern that most man you encounter will have hidden agendas...
Well ma'am you might not tell a 👞 nothing based on what your mother & this gentleman is saying,.....but a persons (PASS ) has it 's on ways without your (Mouth 👄), of coming to the (Light 🕯️) exposing, & revealing, it's self to the very individual you chose to stay (Silent) with about it.
I learned all of this a couple of years ago and I live by these things. Recently a man I met was asking me why things ended with my last relationship and I let him know that's the past and I didn't want to talk about my ex, rather learn about him and get to know him better. And then I'm thinking to myself like " why are you even asking me that? How does that help you learn about me as a person ? "
For same reason the companies ask you why you left your previous job, they want to know your deal breakers and what you patterns are, that's it
Everything one does, how you act and react, how you think, what's important to you gives him clues to who you are as a person. It's all relevant. You can also identify red flags. Someone refusing to answer that would be a red flag for me...like, what are you trying to to hide?
@@nicolegio9173 So how would you suggest one answer without divulging too much info about previous relationships?
@@divaxsonto it's up to your personal comfort level. Usually one doesn't share because they are ashamed or embarrassed about past behavior or they don't trust others or don't want to be vulnerable at all or especially in the beginning. There are so many factors to your and the other person's level of emotional maturity and self worth which directly dictate ones ability to be open, honest and forthcoming. I believe if one is not able to own ones past and take accountability for your part of your past, you've still got healing work to do.
If you aren't ready you can just say honestly you aren't ready to share this information yet, or you're still working through these aspects and would be open to sharing if and when this develops further or share in general and not specifics.
Dating is complicated... sometimes I feel we are contradicting ourselves....some say it's better if someone knows about you early in a relationship so that they decide if you're compatible. If you tell them late in a relationship, they say you lied abt yourself🤷♀️...it's a jungle out there! Thanks TG for the lessons nonetheless❤
Indeed, who is yours is yours 😊
Yep. Seriously . Agree
You don't tell him,not at the beginning, not later,your past and your bf/husband has no connection, if it's not something that will affect our relationship,then I'll just seal off my mouth
Moral of the story. Talk to a therapist instead. Husband, wives, and love interests are not equip to handle baggage. Don't do it!
You can ask questions without telling your business, "how would you handle this or that with so much going on in the world?
I would like to add that a MAN should ALSO NOT be telling you all of his most recent trauma in his relationship either. I found myself being a "therapist " to a man who was going through an excruciating divorce and let me tell you. As a woman who has a lot of empathy, I grew emotionally bonded to this man because it felt like I was living his experience. I misconstrued what we were sharing as a "friendship". He called it friendship. But in the end, it was NOT in any way a reciprocal friendship. Once he completed his divorce, got custody of his child, and got spousal charges against him dropped, then he no longer "needed" my friendship and obviously did not have any qualms about ending it.
Never date men who are going through a divorce. My ex-husband had a new girl every month. And in the end, he ended up with none of them. You were his filler. Divorcing men call it another word, too vulgar for writing.
You were a destruction to him hunnay to keep him functional ....sorry you had to experience all that..I had the same encounter to.. we Unlearn to Learn ...
Glad I saw this . This was a confirmation to stop being nice and trying to be there for someone who just wants emotional support. Tell your therapist!
👌🏾 So, don’t tell a man you are empathetic, wear your heart on your sleeve, love hard,, etc. Basically, meaning, don’t imply that you will be his therapist.
And men should not tell women how much money they make either. They set them selves up for vultures.
You’re absolutely right! I didn’t fully tell my husband about my trauma until after we were married and guess what? His mask fell off, he was a closet narcissist and he used all my trauma against me and tested how far he could push me abusively until I left him for good. I should have followed my intuition bc I didn’t want to tell my ex what I’ve been through.
And being honest upfront could’ve saved you.
So what you’re saying is this video is absolutely WRONG, not “right.” You should have told him up front and saved yourself the abuse. The video is saying the complete opposite.
My ex husband did the same thing.
I divorced my ex husband for doing the same thing that happened to you. I have regrets that I didn’t pay attention to those warning signs, sooner.
@calisongbird right bc if she has said it sooner (before marriage), he would’ve reacted the same way. And that defeats the whole point of this video🤷🏾♀️😂
Ive been guilty for bringing up my past ;now I just say they were great men just not for me 🤷🏾♀️
This is a good answer
@Make_emfall_inlovee Dont even say that. Cuz then they're gonna turn around and say that if they were GREAT men, then YOU must have been "The Problem" ...lol
Keep it at: "just not for me"
@@MsSosoBelle thought about that too . Moral of the story just dont bash them
@@MsSosoBellegirl that’s why I just don’t date 😂😂😩to solve this entire problem I don’t have time for the Narcissist men in the world. Nobody fixing to be sitting up playing all these mind games and walking on egg shells on what to say in order to control the way he’s gonna treat me in the long run no thanks lol .
@@jaymitaylor9937 🎯Exactly💯 I realized a long time ago dating is just a complex game that I'm not willing to learn hpw to play. I like simplicity too much and dating couldn't be further from such.
I'm a naturally private person anyway so it's not too hard for me to withhold information on the front end. However, once I warm up to people, I would share a little too much sometimes and I started realizing people would use that information to determine my value, see how far they could go by trying me, bringing things up later to "prove a point" etc. After my last situationship, I decided I wouldn't be sharing the details because for one it was embarrassing anyway and two I don't need anyone thinking because I went through that situation that I'll tolerate the same or worse. They'll feel like you're being audacious when you stand up for yourself and try to push you back down, based off what they know about your past. We go through things to rise up, learn lessons, become better individuals, establish boundaries self love/worth; so its an insult for someone to take that information, use it against you and think you're still the same person you were during that period in your life. It almost creates a whole new kind of trauma, so the therapist suggestion is gold. Very well put!!!
@LishaNicole This is so me! And I also just ended a situationship that really left me shattered, its looking like I will never get over it
@@abisolaadesewa1624 I'm sorry you had to experience that. It feels like that at first, but time is going to be your best friend. I thought I'd never get over mines too but the more time that got in between me and the situation, the better things became. It also helps to discontinue engaging with them; everytime you engageit's like it reset the healing clock. I got through it and so will you 💟🫶💟🫶
They see you as imperfect and themselves as perfect. When they have so many issues that they never tried to dissolve before getting into another relationship. They will try to deceive you till the end. It is better if you pursue a relationship to tell the other person nothing about yourself and do not have sex with them, neither live in the same space. The old people have a saying. Come and see me and come and live with me are two different things. Be wise
@@abisolaadesewa1624
You can do better. Give yourself time to heal mentally, physically, etc. Take care of you. Just do not be intimate no one else. Let them work for your value.
@@abisolaadesewa1624OMGOSH me too. Have known him for 35 years. Dated as kids and then again recently. He assaulted me because he thought he saw me somewhere other than where i actually was and didn't believe it wasnt me when i said it wasn't. I later found out that he was seeing someone else he met on dating app months ago mind you we lived together and have been together on and off for the last 5 years. I know now he was projecting however this has left me not trusting anything anyone says and i know this will take a lot of work for me to heal from this.
I have never felt the loss of not having a dad until I just watched this video! I mean I know a good dad could’ve put me on the right path to monetary success but everything he mentions in this vid is every mistake I am constantly making and never had a man tell me that I’m doin it all wrong🥺.
It a bittersweet feeling reading through the comments.
It’s reassuring to read how many of us women have endured and shared similar pains/experiences in our lives.
Yet it’s painful to know how many beautiful, special women are not being properly loved, cherished , and respected as God intended us to be.
May God bless, keep us strong and remind us everyday that we deserve to be loved. Remember, all we really need is his love and self love!!❤🙏
There are some things you never tell a man even if he is your husband. He may not always be your husband. My ex threw all my issues back at me after 26 years of marriage when he wanted out. A man is a man no matter what the relationship with him is. When he no longer loves you he will throw it all back at you.
I'm sorry you had to go through that!
So true
But you do want a man to tell you about himself and be honest when he met you
I think people do this in geberal and hit back at low points but there’s something special about an objective non ego driven person whom doesn’t hit below the belt for tit for tat. And if they do it’s often because the truth needs to be heard
The goal is to find someone you align with
You sound hurt, you need to sit down and talk to someone about that situation.
I have a father but because of his rough childhood w a deceased father at a early age , I guess he could never open up . He never guided me on how to deal w men and wht type of man to avoid , Tony u are like the father I never had 🥹🥹🥹 I love all your videos Thankyou God bless
This is straight facts. My ex used sensitive things from my pass that I shared with him against me.
So hurtful. Lesson learned.
Measure of his character. Blessings in the storm. Imagine u didn’t know he was capable of that and you never told him and he treated you well. You would have wasted years with a devil to find out his true character later on. He took off his mask and showed he was a wolf. Did u a favor. He was blocking your blessing of a man capable of real love. You deserve to be with a person of integrity, manners, and morals. That’s immature and abusive. Not the woman’s fault. You did right by leaving him. Give thanks. There are men that would never. No one trying to marry the 9 out of ten that would. This guy in the video is bias from a male perspective. You got it sis. 💞💞💞💞
Everyone does that (Especially Family & So- Called Friends) not just a potential man your considering to be in a relationship with. Most people are not Honest with themselves, So...why would they be Honest with you??? 🤔 Not speaking about you personally, just people in general
I love how fast he got off the video when his wife called 😂😂😂 this man loves his wife!!
The other extremely important part of this is one must love themselves before they seek someone else’s love. What I choose to do in my life as an adult is my decision, and not up for discussion. What someone chooses to share with me, I see it as a privilege, and that I am earning their trust. When you love yourself and put yourself a number one while dating, certain types of men will stay away from you, because your BS radar is always working. If it’s 20 years from now, and you share something with your husband that he uses against you, learning to laugh in his face, and walk away, will go farther than picking up an argument. Self confidence and ownership of all of your existence is what disarms bullies, narcissist, sociopaths, manipulators, and those who are intentionally seeking to strip you. When you learn to love yourself, you’re actually learning about the person that you may potentially end up with. You must become what you are looking for because at that point they won’t ask you, anything that would be harmful in the first place
Perfectly said, there are some things that I do and do , while interacting with men I don’t recommend my girlfriends to do. I’m a very different type of person, and I’m emotionally detached but also emotionally invested at the same time. Did you read this clearly….”emotionally detached “ I have no problem walking away.
Whew I wish I could’ve learned this lesson from this video rather than the hard way. I told a man about my traumas and things I’ve been through in previous relationships. I later found out he was running behind my back telling his baby mama my business and she would throw these things in my face when she would text and harass me. It was a hot mess and I thank God I was able to leave him alone. But ladies, protect yourself and your business. You never know who he’s sharing your business with or how he intends to use it.
Sorry to hear this. I learned this from dealing with family as a teenager.
Wow, that means he was playing both sides. Telling her your business to try and downplay whatever you and him had going on. Then that gave her audacity to come at you.
@@Prosperityessentials That’s exactly what it was. And she would come at me as if I was the only one getting played 🤣🤣 I just thank God I got out of the situation without a child. I would’ve hated to have been stuck with those people in my life. I wish them the best 🤷🏾♀️
Discretion is essential to a women’s value, respect, and influence. Disclosing information about your past and traumas to your mate under the guise of transparency, humility, or because of religious beliefs is very risky so I see how revealing these things slowly over time while observing one’s character, intentions, and measure of trustworthiness is important. I appreciate the wisdom and for being a ministerial servant for women Tony. 🙏
Well-done. It was not worth it.
Over sharing is ny biggest problem 😭 I will literally talk to anyone! As I have no shame about what I've been through... But I definitely get it!!
I've recently started back journaling to help from venting
But it's hard sometimes
me tooo sis! Im on dating sabbatical, but I will do the work now to prepare
Me too.
Why do we do that? Men tell me all their secrets, I tell no one.
Next thing I know my secrets are the latest gossip.
Now I say nothing.
Best wishes
I’m the same way but once you’ve had a Narc you will learn.
Same! I’m a open book.😩 I keep thinking most people are genuine like me.
@@Daizyonceagain this made me stop feeling bad about simply talking too long when i should gave been going to sleep
I remember when my ex used my past against me when I wanted out, but it still didn’t stop me from leaving. Learned my lessons now. He try to make me feel like there’s no life without him, he try to ruined me and take away your pride. That still didn’t break me because I knew that was the narcissist in him talking. I’ve healed and I’m in a good place thank God 🙏🏽
Praise God for the good place!!
I think it’s good to be up front. I was very upfront with my now husband. I think it’s only fair to let them know what they are getting into. I told him that I believe in traditional gender roles. So, I believe in chivalry and expect whoever I marry to be able to support me as a stay at home mom. My friends couldn’t believe I told him those things before we were a couple. I was upfront with my past because it was polar opposite of his. I didn’t want to waste my time if he or his family didn’t accept certain things about me.
Well said, My opinion this isn't for everyone's relationship. Some want to know upfront and want to know these things
I agree 💯, I mean I get what he's saying but I also feel like not being upfront with someone is like lying to them. Why waste your time and their time. If they don't like what you have to say, then they obviously aren't meant for you.
Thank you Tony! This is 100 facts when telling a man all what you want. He will go and get the costume at Party City and ready to play! I learned that lesson.
Not a costume at Party City! 😄🙏🏿😆
At this big age 30, I’ve been going about dating the completely wrong way. Thank you so much for this.
My entire childhood my parents would preach this. Fast forward 10 years, and not all of us comprehended and appreciated the value of this advice.
That’s deep 😊
My grandma for sure
At first I thought you were being too strict with this advice. Then I started thinking about my past relationships and remembered how information I shared was used against me. You’re absolutely, 100% right that we need to keep our business to ourselves until that man becomes a husband and even then I want to be careful what I share. Thanks, Tony. I needed to hear this.
This comment needs to be underlined with a golden highlighter...amen
Over sharing
Even when a person is ur husband. They even verbally abuse it
Is human nature to bring up the past in a defensive situation. Always go with less is more
Good teaching. Women have to be careful. Knowledge is wisdom
I'm getting to the point where I don't feel comfortable sharing anything outside of a therapist. Everyone is capable of using everything against you. I also feel like looking for a partner is looking for a rainbow 🌈 unicorn 🦄. I've lost interest in dating, it seems so toxic.
I told my therapist about an SA and she said something crazy to me & then ghosted me. I can’t even talk to a therapist even if i wanted to
Same
@@sunkissed6413woah what? Was this a legit therapist? They have protocols they need to oblige by…
This
@sunkissed6413 I'm sorry that happened to you. Try to find another therapist that specialises in SA.
What’s crazy is your describing my ex boyfriend; he told me all his and his family business within three months. Details of every failed relationship, what he wanted in his next one and was upset that a. I wasn’t appreciative of his vulnerability considering I consistently encouraged this man to go to therapy and b. at the end of the 3 years he still didn’t know ANYTHING 🙅🏽♀️ about me. Well as far as my past traumas and relationships and I didn’t tell him anything about my family, he didn’t even meet them until the 2 1/2 year mark and I met most of his family within 3 weeks. He was looking to use a relationship to heal him and I couldn’t do it.
If a man can't handle hearing about my trauma, he can't handle being my partner.
If there's anything you think a potential partner shouldn't tell you, you aren't partner material yourself.
💯
I agree
it's not about not telling your commited partner. He's talking about the dating/getting to know eachother stage with someone.
I agree- knowing things upfront sometimes can keep you from a lifetime of pain
He very specifically said "too early". He didn't say never tell. Just don't tell before the person earns the privilege.
Your so right, I always say that to my friends, I keep my past between me and my God
Learned this the hard way. What a great topic because a lot of women haven’t realized this yet.
Same boat my husband has used my past against me because I was too vulnerable. Sad thing is we are too open thinking we are doing the right thing.
Having done all of this in the past, I completely agree!
Hmmm 🤔But think about it even if you don’t do that what difference will it make if that’s in a persons character then they’ll do that regardless unless you want someone to present a fake version of themselves to you instead of showing their true colors of who they really are .
Here’s my two cents on this …. If you tell s man something and he uses it against you, run!!! 🏃♀️
A man who truly loves you will be sympathetic to your traumas and any situation you tell him.
Amen to this !!
💯
I 100% agree.
I totally agree If a man is interested in you he would understand I feel when a man and a woman meet and open up about there pass then It show that they have had counseling and not afraid to be honest with someone.Tony is asking you to lie because his wife waited becy she wasn't comfortable telling because she didn't feel he would understand.Tony and his wife are just like anyone else He and her aren't IT as if they got all the answers I don't agree because to not tell someone now or then tells how that person feel ay themselves...can not be trusted tell the truth is going to come out .. regardless. Oh zI used to date your cousin..then wait until you married the n tell them ... right.Just because Tony's wife told him after wards proved she didn't feel he loved her that's why she waited years to tell the truth...sorry Wrong Answer,
True...and will want to make you happy...
Ladies, Tony’s speaking facts!
#4 is so important bc a lot of men are subconscious followers of other men meaning he’ll treat you just like the last guy bc he hasn’t established his own principles of manhood to live by. Also, ppl tend to treat you however you allow, so be prepared to be tested and tried when you take Tony’s amazing advice! Let him learn you frfr-no cheat codes.
It’s unsettling to hear there are ‘people’ out there that get into romantic relationships to take advantage of others and to use, abuse then discard them.
I’d rather stay single, less drama!
Thank you
That part 👍🙏!!!!
Yes, Tony might as well have said....don't trust men.
This is exactly why I always tell people that me and my ex outgrew each other when they ask why my last relationship ended. That's the only info someone will ever get out of me concerning my last relationship. These men are something else these days and most of them belong in the trash🗑️
Agreed, all I heard Tony say in this video is...MEN CAN'T BE RRUSTED.
All this is true but its ashame that a person can be real about upfront .lol thats why i choose to be single , im having dealings with God things been going steady too❤🙏🏼🙌🏽
Agreed! I told a guy about my past relationships and he threw in my face everything I stayed through when I wanted to enforce my boundaries with him.
This information is so accurate! I was extremely vulnerable with my ex-husband. I shared things with him that I never spoke out my mouth. During the divorce process he used every childhood and life trauma that I disclosed against me. He even tried to use my past trauma to win full custody of my child.
So sorry dearest I know that pain May God’s Grace and covering be upon you ❤️
That’s how men move. When they don’t want you anymore they hit the bank account and will throw all types of venom. And they say women are treacherous. You can’t tell a men everything. They judge you. And people talk about if you are married lol. My ex husband threw every secret I ever shared with him in my face and we were together almost 30 years. These silly married women think it won’t ever be them. Keep living.
That's so terrible... at least now you have the knowledge that hopefully you can impart to your children or they can observe and learn from you.
wow that is a shame. karma is real
Tony, you are absolutely correct. You are talking facts and you do not have to be concerned about the other relationships coaches. They are not you. My mama used to say take your burdens to the lord and leave them there. A man cannot save your problems. Men gossip worse than women. They are not loyal.
Point number 4. So important. I have overshared with the wrong men. And the narcissist had a field day with the sharing at the end.
Everything you said here is true 100 %. It is said though that we have to be inherently aware that a man will use and abuse any woman who remotely trusts him. It’s so tiring to be on guard.
Sis for real, this constant hypervigilance and nervous system overdrive causes issues like chronic fatigue 🥺💔
Yes, all this video message told me was DON'T TRUST MEN.
Powerful message. There are things I’ve learned in relationships that I wish I did not know. Transparency and honesty is great. Don’t release too much information too soon.
Don't tell these ignut men nothing.
I am so glad you spoke on telling a man what you are looking for. My response is " I don't tell what I am looking for because you many intentionally or unintentionally emulate those traits and I am trying to get to know the real you."
This is good, especially when talking to someone new. It’s a good reminder to keep it cool and chill. Trauma bonding can be easy to slide into as well.
Thank you for explaining what to say if he asks for personal information. Most people don’t give us examples of how to answer those questions.
I believe that before starting something new, you must heal from your past and be ok with self first. So, when and if you run into someone new and you share things, the blows won't hit you so hard because you have elevted above your past and who you are today is not who you were yesterday. You made it through, darling. Understand if the attacks do come, that person is operating from where they are and we have to be discerning.
Fathers need to teach their daughters these things thank you sir
Thank you Tony. God bless you for telling us the truth
My mom drilled all of this into me for years. I've also made all these mistakes and saw that my mom was right all along. This video backs her up. I forwarded it to her.
You are blessed with a good mom
0:58 I had to pause right here & holler! 🙌🏽 Only a minute in and he’s speaking so much truth. Sharing your trauma is a bad bad move. I have learned my lesson. Ladies, despite what society may applaud- it is not our job to heal or fix a man. Let him do his own work and you do yours. A healthy relationship requires two healthy individuals. ❤
Great advice! Much appreciated!
You’re so on point, I hope the whole world is watching this video,especially the ladies
A man is not your friend or confidant!
Be strategic at all times with men because that's the only way you'll be able to survive and thrive!
Larsa Pippen
Tiger Woods ex wife are teaching me to be intentional and strategic when dealing with the opposite sex!
Most men can't be trusted with your weaknesses,secrets, and past!
AMEN!
I can see the point with all of these. My only fear is coming across too cryptic and cagey and thereby turning off the person attempting to get to know me. What are some of the 5 subjects you SHOULD go in deep about in the dating phase to show you’re open to getting to know the person?
@purplequail … I was thinking the same. I have a lot of past traumas and have become suspicious of people, especially men.
This is very good and a question I also wanted to pose… mostly bc I’m guilty of over sharing thinking I’m bonding. I know from repeatedly making these mistakes, that Tony is absolutely correct. Hopefully he sees this and makes a follow up for us!!
Good question 🤔
I'm not an expert but to get the ball rolling from my experience. Here's a few:
1) Current interests: That could be sports, hobbies, a goal you would like to achieve soon or even recent changes you may have made in your life that are not too compelling in nature (ie. recently relocating to a new city, recent travel, anything you've been doing lately to improve your life/self: diet, exercise, taking on a new philosophy).
2) Current healthy and vital relationships. If you get along really well with your siblings, family, roommates or whomever, speak of them positively and show gratitude for those relationships.
See how he responds and if he has anything to add to that from his side. Also, notice if he leaves a mental gap here (but you can see him thinking) in the conversation here cz it may mean he already has a spouse or significant person. But if he openly discloses some of his significant positive relationships then there's a chance he's in a healthy space.
3) What are you are currently looking for in your love life - I don't suggest just going all in and telling someone on the first date that you're looking for marriage and kids (if you are - although you maybe can pull it off if you do it in a gentle, yet honest way - with a guy that has the right temperament). But don't be shy to tell them what kind of values you desire in a relationship. Honesty, truth, trust, loyalty, authenticity and fun.
4) Have fun, flirt naturally in the way you best know how, if this is someone that you actually find yourself liking and vice versa then it will be received and reciprocated graciously, and not necessarily too raunchily. It is so normal to flirt with the opposite sex, when there is an attraction. It's time for us women to be a little less rigid and a little more truthful in our sexuality when it comes to this. We have a lot of power and influence too. Your beauty will compel them to be more relaxed and gentle with you.
4) Pay him a gentle compliment and see how he responds. Men don't get complimented often enough and are expected to lead. That puts them in a vulnerable situation, believe it or not. If you can compliment him and he doesn't get insecure but actually receives it (and is genuinely happy about it) that's a massive green flag. Someone who's insecure and feels they're not worthy of you will act shifty instead. Some guys have to warm up to this but if he doesn't at all, he's absolutely not the one for you.
5) Have a sense of humor and be present to what's going on around you in the moment with this person. Pay attention to how this person responds to some of the stimuli that you respond to. It will tell you more about that person than words.
Above all keep faith and keep God in the center of all that you do, including dating. It is natural to date and be attracted to men. Just make sure you also keep your dignity and self respect in the process. You never want to leave a date feeling like you've "bombed it" if it doesn't work out. Be true to yourself and authentic. And of course I urge no sex and keep the physical touch to a limit. That goes without saying.
There are playful ways to escape uncomfortable questions which would not make you come across as stiff and cagey. Done with a flirting smile, it’s an art that can be learned.
This was good, Tony.
“I would rather get to know YOU for YOU, and not judge you by your past and you not judge me by my past.” :)
Usually, you will get JUDGED for that answer. Men see it as you have a "past" that you are not proud of or that you have something to hide.
A have a friend always asking me question about my personal business but I don’t tell him anything because I notice he never talk about his past that’s why I donot tell him nothing about me at all
That’s a good observation.
Tony, this one going viral as it should. This is important for women to know. Often times, women share way too much information with men. Unfortunately, most men in the world will use certain things against you.
Don't tell no man about your finances!
💯
So true because they will definitely use it against you and the easiest way for the enemy to attack you is through your child hood wounds if you have them. I say if these things has happened to you that Tony has mentioned, take time to self reflect and heal those wounds so if a man ever tries to use them against you, you have already healed that version of yourself and the enemy will instantly be defeated. 🙌🏾🙏🏾🌍❤️
If you really Think about it we shouldn’t even have to normalize this because if a man is truly for you he won’t do any of these things like flipping childhood traumas on you to use it against you. All of these things are characteristics of a toxic man.
I've literally done all 5. And yes the results have been exactly what he said. 😢
I learned that the hard way when I told my ex about how many past relations. He threw it in a face every chance he got. My mother always told me to never tell a man everything. They use that information against you or try to play you..😡
I agree with it all. Never let that man know about your bank account(s) out the gate. There are male golddiggers out there and once they've gotten all that they want, they'll move on to the next.
Truth! I am saddened to see how common hobosexuals have become. I had a guy a couple of years older than me encouraging me to go for a promotion. He knew I was divorced after a 25 year marriage and living in a decent neighborhood and doing alright even without the job. He started talking to me about shacking, buying homes, etc. and I quietly listened while he revealed his true motives before I cut him off. I can't believe how many grown men are out here trying to freeload off women. It's important to be healthy before dating because these sharks are coming from all directions. Some men target divorced women with children (and alimony) and assets. Worse, I am already on guard against being the object of some man's fettish of black women. (I live in a predominantly white state), but I now I have to look out for the one's looking for a financial upgrade too. I've been single 5 years now and I'd rather stay single than jump into something crazy...again.😧😞😠
Thanks Tony. Now I kno why this last one was done with me quickly
I respect this man so much. The comment for "those who want to be nosey", this is so funny and true.
I have for sure told my daughter all of these!! These are so so true…like they use any and everything against you 😢very sad and I learned the hard way…but taught my girl well.
Yes, you answered the question without giving any information! Great advice 👍!💯🙏
You know I agree with everything that you’re saying due to my experiences in relationships and it’s just mind blowing how manipulative, calculated and even “evil” men can be. Because I know I’m the type of person to never want to make my partner ever feel the same hurt again. That’s messed up and almost makes me sick to my stomach. Idk if it’s their upbringing or what, but something’s gotta change.
Yep, unfortunately it's not just men..... I have been back stabbed by females who would say I was like a sister to her to my face, but behind my back was a different story.... Some of our " homegirls " are sneaky narcissist too.
I would have to agree with that as well! Have to vet everyone we let into our lives@@valley818-
My Grandfather used to say, the one who speaks less has the power. It seems being so vague would appear like dishonesty. I’ve made all these mistakes in the spirit of transparency. 🙏
0 tolerance for the b.s. I don't know how this ended up on my feed.
Good advice!
I followed all of this very well until my mother visited our home and stayed for 2 months. My mother did not know what’s inappropriate from appropriate to share. It really discredits and/or puts you in a vulnerable position when a man gets access to all the unnecessary information about you. As you do these helpful things remember to let your family members know your expectations before letting them in your space/home.
So your Mama spilled all your tea? Wow! It be ya own sometimes
You have to train a man into respecting you by not revealing too much about yourself so that when he is around people wo disrespect you, he will correct them immediately no matter who it is.
@@greeneggslamb9336!!! no common sense
Yup, stop giving these dudes a “script” that they can play a role with. In fact stop telling your business in general. Move in silence and build trust over time.
I love that advice but unfortunately the relationships often felt shallow to me and I could not evoke the type of intimacy I need to fall in love. So instead of giving them a script, I started upfront asking them what they were looking for before they had a chance to ask me.
Sometimes in life our Past can catch up with us..My Pastor Say take some things to your Grave.. we must be wise and use Wisdom...Thanks for sharing..
This is terrible sad. I think the real convo needs to be men need to stop taking advantage of women. Us learning how to date toxic manipulative people is asinine.
I agree. It's like going through a minefield trying not to step on one that will blow up. Some people want you to accept their past and mess, but won't accept yours. It's hypocritical. There are still double standards for women and men. Hiding important information before you marry the person is deceptive. The best thing to do is pray about everything and be led by The Holy Spirit.
I concur....adulting actually takes adults..
Many women are working on their healing, but there aren't enough men working on theirs. There's already of surplus of women compared to men. When you factor in the ratio of women doing the work vs the men actually doing theirs, just realize that it will take a mighty move of The Most High to level this playing field. Much love to you my sisters. 💖💓💝💗🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
I was scrolling through the comments for this type of response. Amen! My thought process during this video.
@@mzyotruthnlove8263BBlessings and light to you as well