Hyper-Intense Reactions to Stress Damages Relationships; Here's What to Do
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- Опубликовано: 10 июн 2023
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Abuse, neglect and other traumatic experiences from your past can cause nervous system changes that cause your emotions to come out stronger than other people's. Rage, panic, or passionate attachment to others can get so oversized that they ruin relationships and damage others' trust in you. In this "best of" compilation I teach you why this happens, and how to regulate your nervous system, so you can have the full range of emotions, but not be drowned by them.
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ive been listening to this episode via spotify bit by bit over the last few days and i just want to say i feel totally inspired, attacked, called out, and grounded in truth. your words speak straight to my heart. i found your channel right before doing my 5th step the other day and i have been swept away with how practical, honest, and refreshing you are. it’s time for action! i can’t sit around and wait for anyone, especially not my fiancé, to step in and restore order to my life. no more feeling sorry for myself or blaming my parents for why i choose to neglect myself, my relationships, and the space around me- this is something i have total control over. through the freedom i have received from the 4th/5th step and each new day since, i finally have the capacity to take responsibility for my own life. now all that’s left to do is to just take action. thank you for all you do. the truth really does set you free.
What a beautiful share. Good work!
16:07
😅
I just read your comments and hope that you are doing well. ❤
I enjoyed reading your comment. It's inspiring for me to read beautiful shares like this. I wish you well in all you do and conquer!!
Anna, I gotta tell you that every time I watch you I feel so much lighter and can breathe just a little deeper. Your words of experience and empathy, instantly ground me. Thank you so much for being You and keeping it Real. Much love and hugs.
You’re very kind. I’ll make sure Anna reads your note.
-Cara@TeamFairy
All of this 100% and I would add she's pretty funny 😂 So Happy I discovered her channel , I would say she is life changing for the best ❤️
I completely relate to this statement
I totally agree .. it's like being with a family member that actually does care about YOU
Totally agree, life-changing! 🥰
I'm glad you mentioned how people say you just need to feel your emotions. So not helpful when you have to work but youre crying
I have been dating a girl with very significant reaction to triggers, she lives in a world of fear and lost hope. I have a horse who gets triggered because it was bitten by a snake, I am aware that he might freak so I take it into consideration but sometimes something will happen where neither of us are ready but what I have learnt is that if I don't freak then neither does he. But it has taken years for him to trust me, I don't talk to my horse about his triggers or even his feelings, I just love him, feed him, make him feel safe and encourage him. Thank you Anna, people need to get loved through the trauma, feel safe, but it might take years for her to trust me, decades maybe, that's ok, the reactions don't scare me but I hate that she is so trapped by it. I often have to get used to being on my own or feeling alone but so what, there may be one day when she can sit, feel safe, enjoy the sunshine and believe there is a future....or maybe there won't be...either are ok...
Thank you so much for sharing this perspective. I sympathize deeply with the person you are dating and hearing about a path where people like us can exist in love and safety is very comforting. I really hope that the person you are dating gets to hear this sentiment because it is honestly a big help to hear that we are can learn to recover in an environment of love and trust is incredibly uplifting
You sound like a very caring and loving person. But be careful with your own emotional health. Being around highly triggered people can wear you down. You don’t always have to be the strong one. If you see a bright future with her, then please seek support with a trusted therapist to help you get through the healing process. However, if she is not willing to heal then it’s unhealthy to stick around as a “punching bag”. My dad did and it was a blessing when my mother left us.
@@pennPi I hear what you are saying and I see that expectation that the other person needs to be strong written quite often but I know I can't heal her or fix anything and I'm not here for that for anybody. I'm more than happy to come alongside but heck I don't know what she's been through. There are some extraordinary sensitivities and perspectives on life that the consequences CPTSD or other trauma create which cannot be artificially created and we all should be grateful for what we can learn in those situations. For example when I listen to Anna I learn so much about so many aspects of life that I am basically insensitive to if they are not pointed out. Don't discount the extraordinary contribution to society that your past pain has enabled. It sucks that anyone should suffer any pain at any age and especially the effect of triggering situations are horrible but if someone is immersed in a life of past or existing pain then I accept them and so there's no "punching bag" effect. I definitely have to soften by decision but I'm glad to be able to absorb some of her pain if that is whats necessary....trouble shared ...that kind of thing.
What a fantastic analogy with the horse and the snake! You sound like a very kind and ... extraordinary person. Wishing you & your gal the best!
I'm so grateful to Anna for so very much. I feel she is tossing many of us a life jacket!
Wow this is exactly how it feels. Thank you for being empathetic and understanding. I think this is why I understand and relate to abandoned animals and I'm patient with them too. I wish people with wouldn't abandon me sometimes but I understand too it's a sad and lonely feeling. I hope I'm lucky enough to meet an understanding partner like yourself someday.
Years ago I had my assistant tell me I was a bitch and everyone at work hated me. Umm, I really didn't know 😔. I actually thought I was really cool and everyone loved me 🤦. Well that was an eye opener but I really needed to hear that. It took me a little while but I got into therapy a while later, not bc of that but bc I was married to a drug addict and alcoholic and was very codependent and needed to learn how to get away and stay away from him. That started 30 years of on/off therapy. I eventually went back to school to get my nursing license. I divorced him shortly after starting therapy but found another one nearly as bad, then divorced him after a few years. Ive been single nearly 20 years now. Im still in therapy. Im now a 60 yo Nana raising my grandson. Ive cut off 95% of interaction with my family, which was very much needed. I'm going to geal this time ❤
I think the point is you should feel the trauma emotions in therapy, not with your loved ones, colleagues etc. But it's important to become aware of when the emotions are getting too strong. I have friends who are open and willing to talk about traumas, but I'm not sure if it's always healthy. I sometimes struggle to realize that I'm getting "too deep" into the thoughts/emotions and it turns from mutual conversation into trauma dumping. It takes practice to notice when it's happening and to feel comfortable to come back to the present rather than keep digging deeper. It's sometimes almost painful to stop it, but I've become aware of the strain it puts on my relationships.
@@frankuvlkan no
@@frankuvlkan What made you think I'm a woman? The profile pic is a Korean singer Kim Jaejoong. I mean he's pretty but still haha. Sorry, but it's a no.
@@YugeYun look at his recent comments, he's out here saying this shit to a bunch of people. Probably a bot
@@em97c I see 😄
you're doing GREAT because you're aware of this! I'm confident you're strong and emotionally intelligent and self caring enough to keep being that wonderful person you seem to be!!! and to be that light for others! ❤
My husband calls me "The Angry Woman". I'm very passive aggressive, I used to be just plain aggressive and I did behavior therapy and I would try to be agreeable and and use the tools I had to try to force myself to be this person that I simply was not. Now married, that pretend self vanished but my destructive anger became quiet anger. I disassociate, I avoid, and I will try to leave a volatile argument but my husband doesn't allow me to calm myself and will push and push. Then I realized, I was not the only one who was hiding my true self. As soon as we were married I felt the temperature drop. He was not the understanding, calm and giving partner, but a convert narcissist and I didn't know that term. I knew both of my parents are textbook grandiose narcissists. Both abused substances, my father was prescribed his poison, my mothers vice was a street drug. My father was incredibly abusive to me in all of the ways. My mother is more manipulative and flippant, hot and cold. My stepmother has always kept me in the place the eye does not see. She knew about the abuse, but in outing my father, it would damage her self image and the combined image of the home life behind closed doors. I was going through post partum, years after all this childhood trauma and my father had apologized years before and I was trying to forgive him, when my stepmother called me (I moved with my husband across the country) and she told me, while sobbing that she knew what had been happening and she was so sorry she didn't step in to protect me. And of course I instinctively wanted to comfort HER because she seemed to be begging for my forgiveness. In reality, she was soothing her own guilt and I gave her that validation before I could even process what her confession implied. Afterwards I started to abuse drugs again and really regressed to a place that I could not even care for myself, or my infant child. This led to get conflict in my marriage. Medical marijuana was not available and the person who was able to supply that for my husband, was also were I would get my preferred substance. So as soon as he was able to legally obtain his medical card, I was expected to stop using what I was abusing. But I have no vehicle, I had no income, he was determined to keep me as a housewife and convince me that I didn't need to work, my time would be better spent clipping coupons. But I was still using, he was supporting my habit and had full control of my life. That bubble exploded last year when he threatened to call the police and have me arrested for the substance I was dependent on. In desperation, I flushed it and went into a complete spiral. I was erratic and started moving money to weird places and I essentially had a complete mental break. I snapped. I can't remember any of those hours that led to the climax of that situation, I had a grand Mal seizure and smashed my head on a ceramic table, hard enough to break it in two places. I spent Christmas of 2022 in the hospital. When I was released, the real mental and emotional hell began. I was too sick and too physically incapacitated to do anything. The emotional abuse got worse and worse. He was trying to make me relapse so he could justify filing for a divorce without hurting his image. I did not relent. I started seeing a therapist and I was down to 100lbs when I started my weekly sessions and because I was unable to eat or sleep, I felt myself slipping into literal insanity. My therapist was able to get me into a psychiatrist and we really started to address the most immediate care, like eating and sleeping. I was paranoid that if I fell asleep, he would pack up and leave with the kids. I have been the primary caregiver since birth. He didn't know where the shot records, ss cards, their pediatrician, their teachers. And he was aware that he didn't have a strong enough bond or understanding of who our children even are. That was my safety rope. I had that molecule of control and I was not going to allow him to take it. Once I was eating and sleeping and in therapy, I immediately got a job. Then I got another job. So I was able to assert my resilience and he, for the most part, backed off. Two jobs was a bit overkill given my state of being, so I let one go. I still work at the first one. He is still of the opinion that I should not work and will pitch a fit if my job interferes with his own interest. How could he play videogames or pursue a side project if he had to care for the kids while I was at work. He has gone to great lengths to isolate and control me. And now he has lost much of his leverage, so I can feel more confident about not being completely dependent on him and allow myself to set boundaries and manage a situation that doesn't need his interfering.
Oof. This is turning into a novel .. but I'm stepping into my power and Anna, I want to thank you for helping me see things in fresh light and be validated in my progress and process. Maybe I should actually send you a letter. It would be amazing to have that opportunity to learn more about how I can navigate my new world and take back my control. There's so much more to my story but I have to stop here. Thank you for being a friend!
I should add, that I have been in limerance with a former flame for almost a decade. This person was my first love in highschool and I was his. I still remember the love at first sight when we met. I can still see his smile when I close my eyes. He could read me like an open book, and could notice my state of mind before I even did. We were forced to break up in highschool because his mother hated me. But when he and I tried to rekindle the flame, we were both emotionally and physically unable to have a healthy relationship. When I burned the bridge, the house, and any hope of salvation for the a relationship that also was deeply devastating to the both of us, I have never been able to get over it and let him go in my heart. But a few years ago we stopped speaking entirely, well, he did. Which was probably necessary for him, even though I message him now and then I know he won't respond, even if he sees it. So I've tried very hard to stop messaging him. Even though every now and then I will "talk to my best friend who is not my best friend anymore." Which I even state in those random messages I will send. I don't expect anything from him and he doesn't owe me anything. But for some reason I just can't put that piece of history in a box in the far corners of my mind and heart.
Could not come at a better time. This is the hardest part about having CPTSD for me. My boyfriend upsets me/gets under my skin all the time and I will be sent into a full blown panic attack in a matter of minutes. Stress and any kind of unexpected issues sends me into a spiral.
I’m in Adult children of alcoholics now and feel like I’m finally on a road to recovery but I wonder if I’ll ever be able to have a long term relationship. The fighting and constant panic attacks are too much , I just want to be alone again. As we say “people are the trigger”. I thought I had borderline but I realized I don’t experience these things when I’m single, it’s just in relationships.
Oh wow, I so relate to everything you said 🙏❤️ How long have you been with ACA ? I'm struggling to find my comfort zone or "place" with it yet ..
@@susannavancole2868it’s been about 2 months! I love my group.. maybe I got lucky - the one in my town has such amazing vulnerable open people. We’re like a family. I hope you find one like that too 💜
best thing to do is: atm, don't be in a relationship...if these things happen when you're in one, then see how you like life like this and without the emotional clutter, you can be more clear-hearted and relaxed enough to embark in a relationship without all the nasty stressy stuff💜
I am still learning how much cPTSD has affected my life and how I am in relationships. I've made the decision to not have any more intimate relationships.
You make sense to me Common Sense Capricorn.
Ohhh. A few months back, I responded in anger via text to someone. At the time, it seemed totally understandable. In retrospect, I got triggered due to a very long and difficult marital relationship. No excuse, just an explanation. This is SUCH WONDERFUL INPUT! Thank you! Your videos are so practical and down to earth. God bless you!
“When I was angry I was actually hurt and when I was depressed I was angry.” Whoah
Omg, this is me to a T. Vicious cycle of ups and downs.
I was reading about non-violent communication which just focuses on needs and feeling and that has been a useful strategy as well as daily practice and noticing that that massive urge to speak is a sign to postpone!👍 thanks Anna 🙏
It makes sense😮ya I had to do this just yesterday.
Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life
I just got this book a few days ago too!!
Glad it was helpful!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Cue no doubt: don't speak 😅 shhh🤫
@@margaretphillips6296ln
I'm so thankful that CF is part of our evolution now; I like many others wish I knew this when I was much younger rather than reacted from damage for so many decades.
@25:10 , that hurt me too. My current relationship causes me so much pain because he’s always making me angry and triggering me and then I lash out (daily) and I’m starting to see myself like an angry, mean person. Which kills me. You give me so much hope, Anna. I’m doing the work. I do the daily practice. I’m in ACA. I’m doing a 5 day intensive trauma recovery (free! Locally funded!!🙌🏼), getting back into therapy. I have hope for myself too!
I needed this right now. Find myself in tears after hearing from my (ex-)lover, I told him two months ago that I love him, and when not reciprocated that I needed to go no contact rather than pretending to be friends. Yesterday he reached out to me after likning my status, and we texted a little back and forth. I told him again that I need more than he can give me and therefore I asked him not to contact me. By being direct I felt my limerence getting less strong, and due to me asking not to be contacted will help me not to wait by the phone. I value clarity of mind SO much, and I need to pick up Annas tools again asap!
Maybe he's avoidant attachment. 8 weeks is time I heard they reached out.
Just staying focused enough to recognise the reality of the situation and then being direct about what you need is a sign of your self mastery and so empowering. I think you really did great!
@@meeraraj0 I think so to. He was the one who initiated us being together in the beginning. I was too CPTSD I guess you could say, too emotional and after a while I broke up. Twice. I think his avoidance was not good for me. We have been back and forth a few times but I never get the level of closeness and intimacy I crave. I don’t want to do the anxious-avoidant dance, it costs me too much. Furthermore, if he loves me, I guess he would say so, but he didn’t.
@@storycharms thanks! It hurts, though. But I think I did the right thing by staying away. I discovered the crappy childhood fairy last year, thanks to her teaching I have learned a lot, and it is time to stop retraumatizing myself over and over again.
@@ragga7862🤗❤
People in general also need to be able to handle stirred up emotions more. The real shame, often, is how little upset most people are able or willing to deal with. It's ok to get upset in front of guests - depending on how upset you get and how you handle it.
I've noticed that I tend to get more emotionally disregulated when I eat a lot of carbs. Have been on easy Keto (100 or less carbohydrates per day) - losing weight, blood pressure lower, blood sugar so much better - and just feeling more energetic and more calmness. When I have too many carbs, I want to tell someone off at times but instead do a 10th step or talk to someone. On Keto, I don't even have to do that so often. Metabolic Mind is a youtube channel where doctors talk about case studies and small studies showing Keto is very helpful for people with depression, ADHD, bipolar. KenDBerryMD is another youtube channel that talks about Keto - the comments under Keto videos are very eyeopening too.
Love this (: I relate
im in the very early stages of experiencing the same thing and i follow that dr too, this is really wonderful!
this is really helpful, thank you so much for sharing ♡
I eat carnivore and I feel more grounded and calm on this diet.
I'm not on keto but I notice something similar if a week I eat lots of sugar/sweets/treats. It's really hard to stop eating it also once started. Maybe the relationship between people with cptsd and tendency to eating disorder and the addictive nature of sugar/process food.
Some people are so blocked they have to start out at: what am I feeling? Then figure out why they're feeling this.
I can feel myself cringing hearing about this as I recognised this with myself 🫠
Me too🥲🥲
Me three
Girl same, really just sitting here in realization
I’m definitely feeling this but I am also choosing to let go of the shame I’m feeling as im realizing.
This shit was not my fault. Why should I feel shame in trying to adapt and survive.
Ditto
I love your videos. I was getting very dysregulated over the weekend. This morning I took valid fatigue and the need for a nap into avoidance and procrastination territory. Listening to you has helped me get back on track with what I need to do today. Thank you so much!
Weekends are hard for me too due to family dynamics. Mondays are decompression days.
Thank you Anna! I have to say, as a spiritual person, I appreciate your delivery. Many spiritual teachers can be too far outside of reality for a real person and many “therapy” type teachers can be too focused on irrelevant issues making us feel we are doing it all wrong. You come as a true teacher of the people who were brought up this way and you’re a real inspiration. Thank you.
My ex would act like he had no idea why I was upset, insist that I explain it until I was worked up and angry again and the say he was sorry and demand an immediate acceptance of his apology, even though his apology never seemed sincere. So then I felt worse and not better.
I couldn't hang with that fiance 's -tendency to be -as you mention!!
Amazing video! I have just found you Anna and I think your video's are incredible. I am amazed by how spot on they are and how they hit home for me. I come from a family of emotional dysregulators and behaving this way was totally normal for me growing up.
Now as I have left home and started a family of my own I realise how damaging this is.
Thank you for bringing the truth to people, you have given me so much hope 🙏
I have another angle on the avoidance thing. I think in my/our formative years we were in a place that was unpleasant and avoidance of something brings some mental pressure, unpleasant sloth like feelings of doing nothing and going nowhere. Because you dont feel good about yourself when you practice avoidance. I hope that explanation was clear enough. It makes you feel bad about yourself- a feeling that was learned in childhood.
Overwhelmed, Lonely, Fearful
The Big 3 Emotions
These are emotions we feel when triggered by things around us, which lead us to do self defeating behaviours.
Me too
You help me so much! So grateful to have found you. I’m going to keep watching so maybe will it stick!
Actually, it WILL stick, if I apply it. Time for daily practice!
Anna I just put my pet down. I had him for 14 years. He was a yorkie named Zeus and I loved him so much. He was my first dog and I adored him. I could not stand watching him die slowly.
I will get another dog after I travel this winter and get one next spring from the pound. I will also get another Yorkie, Zeus was my world. I was worried I might relapse but I didn't and I miss him but he gave me so much joy it keeps me content.
I'm so sorry for you loss. We're all sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
totally totally spot on....cared tooooo much. wanting to please half my life now i cant seem to find a balance pretty flat most of the time....but getting there...
This is a great video. I heard a lot of myself and also my husband. For years now, around 30, I have been working on it. If you grew up in dysfunction, its a life long effort. Not a life long struggle. One thing that helps me a lot is the expression - Compare and despair. There will always be someone that is doing better than you - but how about, be happy for them. Maybe learn something. You have good stuff too. We all have good stuff. Its how you choose to see it. I once saw a hand written sign " Life is always perfect and complete. God is just waiting for you to see it that way. 🙂" This is true. There is always good. Thank you Anna.
Love this perspective ❤
@@jwsmells5959 It's very helpful. 🙂
I love your "take" on life! ❤
@@kimrobinson6285 ❤️🙂 Change your thoughts, change your life. L'chaim!
sometimes it can go the other way, as your videos often point out. I was the peace-maker in the family, and later in life I would rationalise bad behaviour from my partner. My way of being assertive was to say things in a kind caring way. Often the message was lost. I am learning to feel the volcano, then go to peacemaker (to myself) and then get closer to myself. Usually it means being much more assertive, and my body language and voice is more real. I'm now quicker at finding it and represent my feelings in a more current way. It can look ugly, but at least it's real.
Sounds like my mom. She just never seems happy even tho she says she is and always talks down about herself . It hurts me. But yesterday she did play a song and sang a lil to it which really surprised me!
This segment is DEFINITELY the one Ive got the most from. All of the casts are supurb, but this one ... YOWEEEE!! Anna, so many thanks to you. SO MANY!!
I have C-PTSD to the point it made me homeless. No matter what I do in life, I attract people who pick at me, bully me, take advantage of me and threaten me. This is in any work situation and any living situation. It is has been a very sad life the past couple years. I am so emotionally dysregulated. Once triggered, it can take days to calm down. A malignant narcissist destroyed me...I will never trust anyone ever again.
Trish I am wishing the best for you. Half of being stuck is believing that you’re stuck. I hope things turn around for you and you find a way to take life back into your own hands.
@@melaniegrace7707 I don't feel at all stuck. Everything was destroyed by the narcissist...there is nothing to take back into my own hands. Not sure what you are talking about. Thanks for wishing me the best, appreciate that.
@@tricia007100 when someone says they’re destroyed and that no matter what they do they repeat the same actions… that to me reads as stuck. I don’t know your situation but that is why I perceived it that way I believe you can make changes and find happiness but if you don’t believe that - it is being (even temporarily) stuck because we are not meant to stay powerless.
I am dealing with purely evil outside forces that are trying to destroy me. I have power over all of it if I leave the situation! And I have done that. Being homeless - no one bullies me, takes advantage of me , nit picks me or harasses me. If someone even speaks to me in an aggressive tone, I simply walk away. It is a way more peaceful life, not sustainable, but peaceful! @@melaniegrace7707
Hi Trish. I had an 8-year relationship with a malignant narcissist, so I hear you. He took everything I had and left an empty shell behind.
I'm out two years, and starting to see a point of light at the end of the tunnel. I still have a lot of issues, but the important thing is that I've finally been able to shift my focus from him to working on myself. You're here too, so maybe that's where you are? If so, it's progress!
Regardless, I will never be the same after my time with with that soul-sucking, demonic psychopath, but I am still moving forward, and you can, too. Best of luck to you. ❤
Thank you. You don't know this but you are busy saving my life.
This is the best video yet on this channel. Many nuances are well expressed. Thank you.
Expressing yourself elegantly, and with fairness and love. Now that's something I would like to think of whenever I'm feeling emotionally dysregulated.
I just wanted to address something. At one point in this you mentioned that getting involved with "problem" type people is self-destructive. In the list you gave you mentioned sick people. Being sick isn't a sign of being emotionally unhealthy or destructive or living in an unhealthy way. People who are sick aren't "problem" people or people living in self-destructive ways. They could be but a lot of the time they are people living with challenging circumstances the best way they can. They could be very resilient people. I think it's important to make this distinction. Being sick isn't somehow a risk to others and it's harmful to see people with illness this way.
Respectfully - I don't think she meant it that way. I will add, I have been assisting ppl for years - it's sort of a sign of a trauma person , you have your own stuff to work on but your working on someone else's stuff. Anyway, good to give of yourself to someone who's ill, especially someone who doesn't have a large circle of friends but you also have to keep in mind how much it takes from you and monitor that. You are also healing and there is a fine line. 🙂
I agree with the other respondent. Fairly certain she means, "emotionally taxing", as in, infectious. Not literally.
I mean, of all people, is she the one that is going to ostracize an actual ill person?
Context.
I get severely emotionally dysregulated every weekend. Don’t sleep properly, heart pounding, overwhelmed, scared and this lasts until about Wednesday when I’m on my own.
I hope this free course helps: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
-The Fairy Team
A Favorite take away from listening to this: “Stop labeling it as stress…this is life! I’m alive ! I’m doing the things that are part of my life. I’m making order out of chaos”
Good stuff, uplifting.
Thanks 😊
I never hear about a support group. They say it takes a village to raise a child. But it's like that for all ages. We refrain from this because everyone is afraid of being called codependent. But people (me, at least) want to help others grow and become resilient and succeed. And we need to let them, as a culture, as a community. As a village.
Thank you! This describes what I have experienced all my life! And I have always been misdiagnosed!
Totally and completely Me. It has caused so much relationship damage for me over the years. I am finally addressing it now
Yeh my reactions to other people's slights are too visible
Can't begin to tell you how much your videos are helping me get better. Thank you.
What a great video. Thank you for having taken the time. It was very helpful.
Thanks for putting this video out
I cleared my rage by going very deep into the emotion and talking myself through it. Let my mind go on it's rant (no matter how long it takes) and hold space for the feelings to come to the surface.
Then, I asked myself when I'VE done this to someone else- because this has come into my reality to show me who I am and what I'm still holding onto. If we don't clean up our side of the street we're not aligning with responsibility. There are always two sides to the story.
This question is a surprise to the psyche, which denies having ever done this. I held the space in neutrality. Zero judgment. Then, the psyche starts to admit to some of the times I've done this to others, when I've gotten angry at others. Old memories came to the surface. Things I had long-forgotten about.
When that's complete I felt a balancing energy coming into my body and emotions.
This process took about an hour or so.
I then started the process of "who are you really angry with?" and when I worked through it, it gets to the truth.
I held space for the feelings to come through and my physical body began to release it- chronic pain started moving through the systems.. It is the most amazing feeling when those persistent aches and pains start to move out and HUGE releases that were physically tangible and emotional clarity followed. This is true accountability.
Then the feeling afterward is complete peace and acceptance.
This is why we say you have to feel it. The feelings are calling you to acknowledge and move them through, then admit your own behavior. It's the true alchemy and this is how I have healed all my childhood trauma and PTSD. Piunting the finger inward, and offering true forgiveness both ways. Forgiveness in love is the only way out.
Love you Anna! So grateful to have come across you and your message.
Recovering alcoholic since 1982. I was chronic blackout drinker at age 20.
I have been sober 487 days now and am a place to heal at my own pace which is a huge blessing. It been hell but I have been puzzled at the intense rage that I experience while trying to deal with life.
I am not in any relationships that are exclusive intimate. I attempted this in 2009 and was sidetracked by my mother's alzheimers and helping my father deal with her. A guy was persistent even though I told him I was in early recovery - 60 days. He was a house manager who was clean and sober
he was at my house when I got the call from the nursing home that my mom died and he helped my dad go thru it.
I did not get out of the relationship annd I relapsed hard.
It has been a nightmare of a life including my oldest son dying from a massive heart attack. 5 years ago
So today I am active in AA go often as often as I want. I can get up when ever I want. Sleep when I want do anything within my reach
Yeah my underware is pitiful.
I am always going to be listening to you Anna and thank you thank you thank you.
Hope you are still on a good path!! Sending hugs from Sweden! ❤
I have learned since watcing this content Talking about the trauma really doesn't help much ( to a the rapist) but writing about it does help for personal documentation and seeing it on the paper makes a difference)
I've done a Fears list. List all your fears and then at the end write "'thank you God for revealing and removing these fears. I ask only for the knowledge of your will for us and the power to carry that out".
I relate to all of this. Anna, you have helped me finally start to feel better after over 8 months of intense therapy. You're daily practice technique has changed my daily emotional disregulation..
I finally feel seen and hear. Like i belong somewhere and someone understands how i am. You're relieving the stress, anxiety and shame/guilt i have felt my whole life for the way i am.
Thank you so much for making these videos. You are helping people more then u can truly understand. ❤
What a kind note. Thanks for sharing this happy news!
Awesome info, thank you so much.
I’ve had so much resistance to writing or journaling and I couldn’t figure out why until recently. I think bcse if there is documented evidence then someone could find it and make fun of me. Growing up I was always afraid of my mom and brother ganging up on me to make fun of me. Also my mom journaled a lot and one night there was a huge fight and my dad took her journals. I don’t know how that ended up but it was very emotional when it happened.
I hope this helps someone.
Anna's practice is perfect for you because it suggests ripping up the page after!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Same. My mum snooped through my room a lot and now I don't want anyone looking at my stuff or my phone or coming inside or anything
Yes, it’s familiar! I’ve learned grounding techniques for the abuse I received. Thank you for all your knowledge 💕
Immaculate and accessible CPTSD care
You nailed it right within the first 60 seconds. I agree with you completely…thank you Anna for all the good work that you’re doing. You are helping so many people.🌼
I got triggered just today when I joined some people for a group activity and the only person I knew in that group blanked me but was so welcoming to everyone else. Although he eventually talked to me, I found his body language odd and I got so dysregulated I chose to go home rather than be around them. I was an outsider in my family to the point where I'd rather push potential friendships and relationships away for fear of being abandoned again. I crapfitted and was limerant a lot of the time. And now I'm aware of all that and want meaningful relationships, I find I'm getting rebuffed time and time again. I am seeking group therapy, but CPTSD is almost unheard of in my country and the health system is way behind the curve.
Thank you for sharing. One good tool to help with getting regulated is the Daily Practice (free course): bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice. After you finish it, you are invited to join Daily Practice group calls with Anna or other CCF coaches. Here's a calendar of the upcoming calls: courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com/daily-practice-call-calendar
Nika@TeamFairy
Lady, ur freaking me out how well u have stated things in my life. I suppose that means its time to deal with this cptsd. Looking forward to learning more.
I am glad you are here Anna. Your tips are very helpful.
Man, this is hitting really close to home
I just came across this & I understand myself better. Thank you!
This is an amazing video. Thank you.
This is amazing! This is so me. I am going to take advantage of the courses available.
Thank you for watching and taking the time to comment! Enjoy the courses and good luck on your healing journey!
Nika@TeamFairy
Wow, girl. You're powerful. You've got amazing gifts from God. I'm grateful I've found you because you've been my vessel for healing.
I avoid anything emotional now, it's extremely overwhelming. In a Social Setting at work, I'm easily shocked when someone talks to me unexpectedly. I feel angry and try to control/calm down but it's too late - they look angry back at me. It's the worst thing as I feel guilty and embarrassed afterwards - that's the worst part. Not sure how to cope with that.
Are you on the Spectrum? I don't mean to be rude in asking, but I am on the Spectrum, and your description of your reaction to social situations sounds like you could be, too.
I'm like this too. I feel very disturbed when colleagues try to talk to me suddenly. I have also been told I act like I am on the spectrum. Who knows
Eighties the happiest decade! How inspiring!
Great video! Much needed!!!!
👋Queen of Procrastination right here! Lol. I have learned over many years when to truly listen to the signs that one needs to rest and when one is just being lazy. Sometimes, you just have to "knudge" yourself.😉 💪
Loving your channel Anna!❤ Sending blessings from 🇨🇦
you deserve every single sub you have, you’re anointed by God to do this type of work , thank you !
Those glasses really compliment you.
How often have I heard psychotherapy advice about "feeling the feelings", and thought to myself, I do! That's not the problem. Now this advice about regulating those feelings makes way more sense, and the techniques are doable. Thank you!
Ana you are wonderful! Be blesed. Toghether woth my therapist, my mom and God , you are bringing me back to life!🤗🤗
Thank you for all the helpful videos you have shared so that other survivors living with CPTSD can heal their trauma wounds and manage symptoms. It is profoundly pathetic that the mainstream therapeutic community does not seem to teach any of this, but thankfully you are. Learnng about emotional dysregulation and how to manage it has been absolutely fundamental to my progress. I can't thank you enough for sharing so much of what you have learned. Finally it all makes sense.
So glad you are feeling helped by the videos! If you want to take it a step further, try Daily Practice. bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Julie@TeamFairy
I totally agree. Feeling my feels doesn't always work.
It feels like pumping weight
when disregulated
and you take a break from the conversation
when the other wants to continue
in that moment.
If you want to get stronger
work out
and recover with a smile.
So grateful for your work and sharing! You have helped me so much understand myself and actual tools to help :-) It helps defuse the shame, fear, guilt and anger. Thank you!
Thanks for this completely understandable and sensible way to handle those situations. I wondered why so many people were not returning to my circle.
A lot of good ideas here!
This is so true. I had a therapist who liked to do what she called "emotional cleansing process". It consisted of screaming inside a padded box while she cheered from the sidelines. All it did was reinforce my dysregulation. I wasted time and money. I've learned to regulate now, 30 years later, and still get triggered but I'm so sad about having been fooled that this presented as "the way" to heal.
On day 4 of the daily practice! It is helping. I am listening to 4-5 a day!
This is helping so much.
Yes, I overreact. It hurts, the shame is awful. It has closed off connections.
Looking forward to learning more!
Keep up the great job! And thank you for watching!
Nika@TeamFairy
Great talk.
Thank you! You opened up my eyes to much of my patterns held to some degree. Sharing with others. 🙏✨
I'm so glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
@12:38 yes, I live in this fantasy. I think it is because during my childhood, I was raised by the television more so than by my narcissistic mother or neglectful father. On TV, this is exactly how it happens. In real life, instead what happens is you Try to say your thing and nobody hears you or cares or responds and the person who shares loses... She loses Credibility, regulation, reputation, good favor, energy, time, spoons.
You are great!!! A very interesting subject,and you give great advices how to regulate those overwhelming feelings!
My big struggle..Thank you!!
What a kind thing to say!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Ahhh THANKS SO MUCH FOR YOUR KNOWLEDGE AND TIME thanks. Sharing. 😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊
Youve been really helpful in understanding myself.
I'm coming down from a 36 hour episode, and am waiting for therapy to start in February.
This and doing online DBT is helping fill the gap.
We're all sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
thank you so much Anna!!!
I can relate to getting upset when I feel someone isnt treating me fairly. Especially, someone I had really admired and liked. I then calm down and realize I like this person I just didn't understand their action. Also, I have let people have their way in my life, because I wanted to make them happy..now I feel this need to defend myself with righteous anger so that I don't get taken advantage of again. I want to remain calm, even when I am hurt or confused by a person's actions. It's usually with people I feel closest too.
Yes
ANNA,
FOR ME ME.
IM OVER EMOTIONAL.
I HAVE BEEN OVER REACTING TO WHAT I CONSIDER??? A VERBAL ATTACK ,
TAKING EVERYTHING PERSONAL.
LIKE BEING VERBALLY ABUSED BY MY MOM.
I WAS ALWAYS TOLD WHAT TO DO AND HOW TO ACT IN PUBLIC.
ALSO THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME SELF REALIZE MY BAD BEHAVIORS,
IM FEELING BETTER ABOUT MYSELF MORE, IM JUST IN SUCH A HURRY TO GET TO THE FINISH LINE OF SUCCESS...😊
Thank you for this.
33:07 “I worried if I lost my anger, I’d have no defense” yes exactly
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
This is really good, and I am adding it BACK onto my watch later so that I will watch it again later. (Probably about 6months to a year- it’s a long list)
Great video. Txs! I agree wholeheartedly about the getting in touch with your feelings thing. There's a method in the church that does not line up with the Bible and that is they call it healing of the memories. I don't agree with it at all. They take you back to all this trauma and encourage you to get in touch with your feelings. I don't want to be in touch with my feelings LOL I'm trying to get away from the feelings LOL
what i had to learn is that it really is important to really have that conversation at another time. So what i did first is: i get triggered and keep it in because it is too much. Or i express it in my own emo way and i see the message doesnt land they only see the emo and think im crazy and dont hear the message. So i tell myself let it go i will tell them later very professionally., this isnt the right moment (with other people) . But.... then when it is later i dont talk about it. The strong emotions of the moment are gone and then I think everything i thought wasnt true or exaggerated and i gaslight myself. Do take your emotions seriously and really have that talk. Just a few sentenses: i didnt like that. It should not be half a psychotherapy talk nor should it be you venting emotions telling them how they should or shouldnt be. But instead only just briefly say: that was tresspassing of my boundaries. If you work with me (or be my friend) i dont relate in that way that is not how i roll. You can do and say this.. but not that.
If the person at hand then lectures you how you are feelng the wrong emotins and you shouldnt feel that way; ok that is pure narsissism if someone in a conversation about boundaries is telling you what boundaries you are lowed to have.
Those people are in your life because you are blind to abuse due to CEN . And so time and time again we need to break up with them. It is very painfull.
Thank you
Everytime I've heard "every emotion is good. Your anger is good" I think to myself "how can a nuclear bomb explosion be good? :/ "
It may seem to the general public that I can come off as a procrastinator or I just hold grudges. I hate procrastinators for one so the moment I am told to do something I try to do it right then and there but, then comes the other problem that is created in it's place because I can be told to do something later I am very very quick to forget and I really hate that. I don't know if it is because I am C-PTSD but, I do know fully that it happens because my memory loss is stimming from my ever growing seizures. I am 32 years old as the day of this posting, and I've been diagnosed with Epilepsy since birth and told by my childhood doctor when I asked him when I was like 12. My mom never bothered to tell me, and that is one of many reasons why I hold resentment towards my mom. I do know and am aware that my trauma is steaming til this day from how I was treated in life as a kid and also finding out why I was so unaware of a lot of restrictions I had as a kid and it drove me to rebellion. I never feel safe staying around her for too long or anybody who continues the habits that she has. I had to go to what's in short called BIP in order to work on my anger when I was 19. After 2 years of that and learning how to control my anger. I can admit it helps me because I've learned to walk away when it sets me off but, I've had some triggers that came very close to me relapsing to those days. Thankful I haven't allowed it to repeat itself on the physical side of it but, verbally has gotten bad because I can get dangerously sarcastic when I know a person doesn't care and I never hide my response in return when I am being sarcastic. I am not sure if I have C-PTSD but, the more I watch these videos. I really feel like I do. If I do have C-PTSD and on top of that by me knowing since I was 14 I was the only person in my entire family that has ever been an Epileptic. No matter by self harm or by birth I am the only one who suffers from it. Adds onto why I said the more I watch the videos starting from when the PsychGo had you on the Podcast. I am really believing that I am more than just Epileptic. I am also seeing some trends of me having traces of C-PTSD. I know I have PTSD in general though because I am fully aware of what triggers me no matter if it's done to childhood or more in my case because of my health.
You hate procrastinators? Those who do that are still people, and it’s often an indication of other underlying issues.
Psalm 91, 4-5 ❤ thank you
I enjoy your cover’s to your videos. Another way for your love and creativity for being an actress comes forth. Your various reactions to your videos. 😂❤😊
I put in a safety net for all emails- I leave the subject blank. Then if I try to hit send- I get an alert if I want to send.
This helps me rethink every email I send. About 50% of the time- even emails when I’m regulated just don’t need to be sent.
THANK YOU. I feel seen!