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How To Be Happy Without Trying.....(Alexithymia)
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- Опубликовано: 24 авг 2021
- Have you ever wondered why some people seem to be smiling when you least expect it? How about that person who's always cool in the midst of chaos? 1 in 10 (and half of autistic people), are alexithymic. Discover what alexithymia is and it's ups & downs.
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I wouldn't say I'm happy or optimistic.... I would say I'm extremely neutral and content in a world surrounded by people that have their emotions as a compass that lead them to oscillations of turmoil. Its a gift to have alexithymia being able to remain emotionally detached and or compartmentalized to remain in the present. Unfortunately the negative sides is being in intimate relationships does that a toll on them when you cant resonate with them emotionally nor understand why they are upset and you are unable to find words to explain your feelings but you can easily logically think your way about how you feel. Some days you can be a goofy flippant individual and other days you feel like a walking corpse.
That's the best description I've ever heard. I'm great in a crisis, but my legs go from under me when it's over, or burnout hits if it's prolonged. It gives people the impression I'm confident, able, and strong. Which in itself means I'm rarely seen as needing support, hence burnout. My biggest issues is navigating healthcare, I'm usually unconscious before I'm taken seriously, as my face and behaviour doesn't reflect the seriousness of my conditions.
I am struggling at the current moment. Realizing why I been labeled “different” and “difficult” so much in my life. Been at the same job for years and the perception of me sometimes causes a lot of problems, caused another just recently. I am fighting those rash decisions while trying to understand how to express that to those around me and make it understandable. Thank you for this video, this might help me break it down for others to maybe have more patience with me.
Best description yet. I was a nurse and police officer and I was calm cool collected one, I never panicked in gory, shocking or stressful events. I was like a robot and got on with what needed to be done logically. And it does have a pay off tho….burnout.
I've never heard anyone sum up alexithymia any better! In a crisis, I go into "robot-mode." It can be scary for people to see me. But you're right about the inevitable results: the emotions are still there. They just come out in a tsunami. I have to make time to deal with my emotions in a quiet, safe area so that the emotions DON'T pour out. It's critical that we educate the public more and more about this condition, because a lot of people out there who have meltdowns or even instances of uncontrollable rage might be alexithymic and just not know what's going on or how to manage it.
I really enjoy seeing people unhappy and I hate it when I'm unhappy but then when I'm happy it makes me upset that it is never there when I need it to be there. I went to a comedy club with my family and I couldn't stand listening to all of them enjoying themselves together because I felt left out. Yet when they were upset with me I felt better. They all thought I was being mean but I think I was feeling left out. It's like every thought I have is a magic trick and emotions come out of a hat holding a rabit
It does vary throughout life. When younger I was able to be content regardless of some deplorable situation. Now, I am not. Too many predators have taken their bite. Good video, glad you are back.
I have spent weeks wondering whether this applied to me. Describing my feelings is pretty much impossible, but I definitely have them. I'm generally very aware of how I'm feeling. This is the first explanation of alexithymia I've encountered that goes beyond, "People with alexithymia have difficulty expressing and understanding their emotions." That's hardly a fair account. Turns out, it seems, what I'm so aware of feeling are mostly bodily sensations. That makes so much sense.
I have this condition. It's difficult some days, but it's helpful other days. A time when Alexithymia helped me, was when my now late step dad died early. He had tacacardia and drank not 1, not 2, but 3 coffee monster energy drinks in a day. That's not reccomended for a person WITHOUT tacacardia. When he suddenly passed, my mother was so broken and torn. My younger brother was almost as torn and broken. I was able to stay calm to help them. I'm thankful it helped me. I feel bad because I remember not missing him for the first year and a half due to not having a safe location to cry and let it out
This was a great explanation, but it hit like a punch. Realizing this described me has just rocked my world almost as much as my original self-dx for Autism.
Ah bosses...been there! The worst is my mother insisting that "you must feel something!". It is exausting defending something you can't control. I too meltdown from time to time. And as you said the thing that triggers it are usually very minor.
Alas, I don't get waves of happiness. My default is simply flat. If I am smiling it is because it is expected or comanded (say cheese!).
I do have alexithymia but I never felt it like being always happy. I still have the emotions and I act according to them, I just oftentimes don't know they are happening. Sometimes I realise I feel some particular emotion by observing my own behaviour. Especially with "bad" emotions. I believe the right word for "always happy" folks is hyperthymia more than alexithymia.
Hi Kiki. Alexithymia impacts differently at different times even for the same people, but it doesn't cause people to be PERMANENTLY happy. It does however lead to many people feeling delayed emotions at "inappropriate" moments including being unexpectedly happy when others are angry or sad (hence the title) or vice versa. Hyperthymia is something completely separate and nowhere near as commonplace as alexithymia, though it equally has up & down sides to it. I have no personal experience of it. Thanks for commenting👍
@@Autistamatic Thanks for replying! 😉 I used to have a friend with hyperthymia. She also has ADHD. It was a lot of fun to be around her. I know there can be a harsh downside to hyperthymia and I hope my former friend will never experience it. As for my own alexithymia, I never experienced the influx of negative feelings like you did. I don't know how to dam my feeling so therefore it can't flood me. But I experience problems with doctors because I also have altered interoception and I tend to talk about my ailments very differently than neurotypicals. Anyway I am happy to hear you feel better now. Autistic burnout is no laughing matter and I am glad you took your time. Love from Prague!♥
@@kikitauer I've a series in mind about autistic interactions with medical professionals. I'm still in the process of researching right now.
@@Autistamatic This one is a though cookie. I would be grateful if you could make such a video with some tips or even just raise awarness. But doctors are hard for neurotypicals as well. I was never able to come up with a good strategy. There is a philosopher and bioethicist Diane O'Leary who tries to change a doctor-patient relationship but she certainly has a long way to go.
@@kikitauer trust me, I know. I've more than my fair share of personal medical interactions! My NT wife has a number of chronic pain problems & I've been through it all with her too. Even undiagnosed autists face barriers and/or communication blockages that aren't commonly faced by NT people.
I am so grateful for this video, this channel, you. This one video, truly changed how I saw myself. I was able to replay old memories, and use it in present scenarios, to understand, and be more gentle with myself. I also like sharing it with people I care about, so that maybe they can begin to understand, why I'm happy when things are terrible, and why I can be a buzzkill without realizing it at all.
Thank you for this, I need time to think this through...great to see you again. Take Care
Great video. Take great care of yourself! Thanks for sharing👍💙😊🌻🌺
Awesome video, glad you’ve come out the other side. Stay safe mate
I recently discovered I have alexithymia and why I am so different from my friends and peers but god oh god, I really cherish this personality trait of mine. Yes, I see a lot of trouble because of this in a social setting but it never troubled me inside. I am neither happy nor sorrowful inside for more than a few minutes. Sometimes, if I sit and start analysing myself, i see my entire life have always been a bliss never troubled by any event (which I think most sane people will break into half at even half of what I have experienced). I really thank my condition that it helped me survive those events. Good thing is i have openly told my family, friends, co-workers, my boss etc. about my personality so they calibrate their expectations accordingly and don't feel troubled because of me.
As a super-masker I relate to that alot. Once (being undiagnosed) one builts up a fake-persona and starts to believe, that one is this persona, one will find himself in the conflict of feeling inappropriate about situations. It's not like I can't feel grief or sadness, happiness or joy, but I experience these things more like a body expression. Anyways oftentimes I found myself being out of touch of a social emotional context and assaulted myself for being not normal. I just couldn't find out why I didn't feel excited or joyful or sad when it was expected to feel. So I became an excellent actor, but always blamed myself for the disharmony I noticed inside myself. It gave me the feeling of being wrong myself and raised the question: who the heck am I?
I didn't realise I was autistic until about two years ago (I'm 23, still only a young adult) and didn't learn about alexithymia until about a year later. It was such a massive relief to learn about. Reading/hearing others describe similar experiences is comforting after feeling like and repeatedly being told that I'm deficient in emotional experiences.
However, I've never seen someone talk about what I considered to be a positive in my own experience before: the whole 'being happy without trying' thing really resonates.
This is making me think, I can be emotional about some things - especially if they affect me directly. But there has been some that have just gone right over my head.
This explains what happened to me last year in August, I 'blew up' because of all the pandemic pressure (at the same time you did).
Everything you said fits perfectly. Thank you so much Quinn for explaining this so well.
It's not easy mate. All the best ❤
Before this summer I was in a relationship for five years where I was NOT allowed to not know how I felt. According to them, such a thing is not possible.
I don't even really know what else to say about it. I would just sit there and try to come up with something, and get nothing, or 'not good'.
I used to take it so personally when my ex wouldnt know what to tell me when i asked how he felt
Thank you! You described it perfectly and as you did, I felt less alone in my own life experience. I needed that so badly today. Thank you for also describing your recent challenges. I'm experiencing struggle also. I found strength and perseverance from your words.
At first I thought this explains so much, but then I remember things that definitely make me furious, or jealous. But then, I've spent most of my life hiding from the world reading everything I could to learn more about myself and know myself better. I've meditated and done tai chi to tune in to my body and mind, I've practised disconnection to analyse thoughts and identify them, I've looked at emotion charts and worked to understand it. I wonder if perhaps it's caused by being gaslit from birth, but it's possible to train yourself to be less completely out of the loop regarding emotions.
Alexithymia isn't a constant. As said in the film, it varies throughout life and from day to day. Stress and health (both physical and mental) appear to play a significant role as does the nature of the emotions & events. Neither is it specific to positive or negative emotions. There are times when an alexithymic person will be totally "in the moment" and others when we haven't a clue as to the specifics of our feelings. There's no doubt it's evolved as some manner of psychological defence mechanism but there's still a great deal to be learned about it. It's telling that when we experience emotional floods as I have recently, it's usually during a period of comparative emotional safety. It's as if our subconscious selves are bottling up when we haven't got the strength, only opening the valves when we (hopefully) have the capacity to handle it.
I used to be this way all the time due to masking. I didn't know what I was feeling, I just had physical sensations. It's still difficult to identify emotions, but i am more aware of them now. At time, it can definitely be that i just feel an unspecified 'a lot of feelings' without knowing what emotions, or what it relates to, but I am getting better at understanding and communicating.
Interesting that almost at the same time, 2 videos about alexithymia showed up on my feed. I recall I had considered that possibility before, without knowing the name of the condition.
Definitely interesting, I need to do a bit more research and introspection, but it explains a lot of awkward situations I often find myself into... besides being useful at times too.
I do agree, i have spoken up at times for the greater good and also shown no fear at all in the face of physical danger. This turned out for the best in my cases however this does not make me brave... i didnt gave fear... i just felt nothing in those moments. It made me nieve not brave.
I also agree you miss out on joy and love... all of these emotions are buried not absent. This leads to psychological tension and burn out etc.... or a full blown meltdown when it all releases at once.
Therapy helps somewhat but mdma is the only thing that completely resolved his condition for me... the effect persists for 1-2 weeks following the cathartic experience.
I hope somebody is helped by my writing this.. emotion is a beautiful thing.. alexithymia sucks. ❤❤
Best description ever, with all the others about alexithymia. I'm just starting to be aware a lot of my own traits, and great mistakes I've made so far because of them.
I did not know there was a name for this type of reaction. I did this with my children as they were born, small, growing up and every time there was an emergency I took care of it FIRST. I did not know it was called (edit) ‘Alexithymia’.
Being happy is overrated. I'd rather just not feel anything. Thanks for the vid. I hope you're feeling better
Oh yeah, that's it. I can keep a cool head and a positive attitude when all hell breaks loose but when that emotions registers with delay once the situation is better... It hits me 10 times harder... It's just so awful and being put in leadership roles etc is just something I had to learn to convincingly refuse bc it'd bring me to an early grave haha. Though I am a bit sad bc I know it could help people...
How many shutdowns for us are caused by just this scenario. 🥲
Thanks for talking about this Quinn. 💜
Absolutely! There are many tales to be told of exactly this.
Well done!
about being born like that, if what I call jokingly 'I shall feel no fear' by paraphrasing 'you ...' is part of being alexithymic than I have it since very little, earliest memory at 4 y.o. until now I thought it's side effect of toxoplasmosis
It contributed to me not figuring out that I was autistic until age 43……..
What helps actually release potted feelings more often is the pot ;) Not saying you should turn into a junky and be high all the time, all I'm saying is that it accelerates the process of releasing stacked feelings and it's better if you do this privately.
this is powerful, and i thank you for sharing
That is quite eye opening explanation, dear Quinn.
Now I know why and how the some events did happen in my life and why and how I reacted that to those events.
Thank you for your work and to all who supports you in your life.
I'm discovering the word and Barnum Effect hits hard as hell haha. Totally relate to the core of it, without some characteristics, notably the burnout thing, but it's also me manouvering successfully in life (in good part due tu priviledges) to avoid until know any kind of burnout, and have succeeded not to work in the capitlaist sence until now, and the future should be okay.
I can now put a word to the idea that I don't really what it is to be anything else than neutrally-happy 95% of the time, except when some bad stuff happens, or on the other side when I can reach a flow state. But it bugged me at first how as a writer, I always tended to go towards extremely sharp emotionnal descriptions, extreme subtlety from layers of inside and outside inputs, but then I reflected I had this abilities from my knowledge of analysign social and cognitive structures, and was ironically able to write extremely complex and precise mental mental states that I couldn't recognize on myself.
I also strongly relate to the "keep calm and let bigbrain find a solution" thing, my current stable online fwb is hella into adorable autistic dorks but is herself very closeted in normie life and in a slow path towards self-determination and the broad "existentialist coming-out" that I already did, and she's extremely emotive too, my "problem solving" approach of her problems, bad events or insecurities really help her a lot with her path and all.
I always wondered why I was detached from my emotions in strange ways…. Now I know! PTSD from the military (26 years of life on active duty) and CPTSD from my life before and in I’m sure. When I was a child I related to Spock from Star Trek because of what I know now as alexithymia.
We appreciate you. Thank you, as always, for your work.
I got told that I was a sociopath/phyco a few month ago by my Neice. She didn’t like my reaction on something so she said I had no empathy. She was being an ass. I’m tired of people not understanding that I express myself differently. Folks don’t even know what sociopaths are. It’s Ablism bs
thank you!
I resonate with much of what you said on this video, but with a main difference... Happy without trying? I have trouble even imagining happiness in general myself 😅
* very nice description though. although a bit too optimistic for me..
This reminds me of the time the fire alarm went off, I rushed to the scene to see my housemate panicking and a huge flame in a pan that reached a dangerous hight. I immediately grabbed a plate and put it on the pan. I saved the day and prevented a fire, but the other people said I should have evacuated instead 😂 you're welcome
The only emotions I am well familiar with Hate and Sorrow. In addition my Empathy is logical not emotional. I have been happy before but can't remember what that feels like. I tend to panic when pressed to show emotion.
I hope you are getting lots of rest, burnout is no joke.
Thank you. Thankfully I've avoided burnout this time. Understanding what's going on has made a huge difference to the impact of this recent wave of emotion. Understanding is the key to getting in control of our autistic lives despite the intolerance we face in day to day life, which is why educating about our common experiences is SO important.
thx man. learned a lot in 12 minutes. :3
I am autistic (Aspergers).. 37 years old now. I have suffered so many mental health conditions... however I realise now it boils down to Alexithymia. MDMA therapy is the only thing thay has ever brought me fully in tune with my own emotions and full blown affective and cognitive empathy. I also feel sadness, fear and the nuance of emotion and depth that is never normally there.
This is worth a try for anybody autistic who have realised that Alexithymia is not just an inability to convey emotion but to actaully experience them in their full depth, complexity and nuance... way, way, way departed from the blunted, black and white emotional experince of having Alexithymia.
I have fybromyalgia autism heds they say alexethemia causes us fybromyalgia
Yes, specifically Alexithymia causes psychosomatic issues as the unfelt/unreleased/unactualised emotions linger within the nervous system.
Emotions when felt/experienced as intended go hand in hand with a sympathetic and parasympathetic response in the body via both nerve impulses and hormone release.. however small this response may be.
I have some numbing of sensation of certain parts of my body but it has improved beyond belief once I was able to fully feel and release all of my emotions to their full depth and experience the nuance and mixed nature of emotion that comprises the sense of self.
Honestly, MDMA for me at least - cures my Alexithymia, at least temporarily... the release happens whilst under the influence but then in the following 4-7 days I feel emotion to a depth and complexity with such nuance that I realise I just cannot usually. This also includes being able to instinctively read all the subtle social cues.... it's funny because I realise that most people (NT) don't actually "read" social curs anymore than we do (after the fact).. it is felt instinctively and the limbic system automatically responds with subtle microexpressions.. this is faster than conscious thought or awareness (which is after-the-fact).
One time in particular I was reminded of a time and a person who wasn't so kind to me and who uses to be a friend.. I suddenly saw things from his perspective (cognitively) but then a strange thing happened.. I felt a rattling inside of my ribcage as in an actually solid object rattling around in there.. was a bit disconcerting.. then out of nowhere I felt the most profound sense of empathy (emotional empathy) I have ever experienced that seemed like it exploded out from my eyes as my heart felt so much lighter. This rattling in retrospect was akin to a knot being undone.. the knot of Alexithymia.
It's probably a decent sign that you're alexithymic if you try to take one of those online tests for alexithemia and can't answer most of the questions because you have no idea how you feel about the situations asked about.
Quinn, while I know many of us have missed you terribly, I hope you realize that many of us draw so much strength from your transparency, humility, passion for advocacy and brilliance! This was a tremendous “comeback”, and yes, to answer the question you asked in the video, this video made that kind of difference for me. If anyone wants to understand Alexithymia in a deeper way than most text resources can do, this is the video to watch.
🙂
I was able to get similar experience of alexithymia and gained power to suppress unreasonable nature (instincts), which makes us slaves using filings and emotions.
Oh so that explains a lot
Takes me forever to realize when I'm sick.
❤️❤️
Would it explain why my SO felt anxiety and thought it was due to acidity, could never say what was causing the anxiety.
You explained it!
Thanks. Never connected crashing a year or so after COVID mess, but yes. Sad you went through it, but betting that story helped a lot of us. Yes to all of this. Man!
PS - I do think we are born this way… at least can’t remember not being so
💫✨🌟🖤🖤🖤🌟✨💫
The feelings police say you do feelings wrong!
I tried to commit myself when I was having kidney stones🤔
Hahaha
Is your mouth bleeding?
Or were you dodging for apples amidst a menstrual cycle?😮
Sorry