Blindsided by partner leaving
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- Опубликовано: 18 дек 2024
- Men need to stop using "I didn't know" about things they obviously knew in their relationships. You are aware if your partner is happy or unhappy and need to commit daily to showing your partner you recognize and prioritize the things that are important to them.
Be assertive in putting effort into those priorities without being asked.
And if you expect your partner to tolerate any level of permanent unhappiness, don't be surprised if they choose to be alone and happier.
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the older I get, the more I find caring men attractive. When I cook, I turn kitchen into complete mess and my hubby helps to clean it up. How can I not be attracted to him?
Same. More than anything, I find that focusing on men's actions is way more telling than focusing on their words. Sometimes it's not just what they do, but what they don't do.
But they can be very performative re: their actions as well.
@@brennam954 reminds me of the Las Havas song “What you don’t do”.
It’s sad that it’s such a low bar set for men, that him helping you clean after you cook makes him look attracted.
Imagine a man expressing appreciation & attraction towards his wife because she “helps” him in the kitchen.
@@rejectionisprotection4448one cannot perform all of his life, he can end pretty burned out or really unhappy. There is a feeling to all of this, the partner can sense
I'm always reminded of this quote:
People just don't go from 0 to 60. Often they sit for long periods of time at 59 without anyone noticing.
"Expecting your partner to tolerate any level of permanent unhappiness is you admitting that they would be happier and better off without you. So don't be surprised when they agree with you." is such a mic drop moment 🎤
Could it be they would be even less happy if the partner leaves? Could it be that leaving could turn simply unhappy into unbearable? Sometimes when the wife is "unhappy," the husband is absolutely miserable, but staying together is the right thing to do for the kids.
@@acidfromhell
When is two miserable people staying together EVER the right thing to do for kids?
@l.n.3372 kids from 2 parent households have lower incarceration rates, do better in school and have less mental health issues than children that grew up with a single mother.
@acidfromhell
A) that you automatically say "single mother" shows you place the blame of a bad kid solely on the mom. What about the reason WHY she's a single mom??? What about the dad who abandoned the kid?? Stop being sexist.
B) kids who grow up with an abusive father aren't happier because their parents didn't get divorced. Their mental health is worse because they're forced to stay in an abusive household. Stop making excuses for why unhappy couples should stay together.
C) if you cared about children, you'd want them in healthy households. Divocrce isn't inherently bad. Both parents can still love their kid. Both parents still have income to support the kid. But they're better of divorced.
@l.n.3372 i said single mother because when children grow up with a single father, statistics show that they have outcomes similar to a 2 parent household. It is only with a single mom that they get messed up. This is not me saying it. You can google the stats. Divorce *is* inherenlty bad for the children. For example, studies show that a person that grew up with a single mom is 5 times more likely to self delete than a person with a single dad or 2 parent household. 9 times more likely to drop out of high school. 10 times more likely to abuse drugs.
I have said 10,000 times, that it's incredible how often men say they were "blindsided" by their wives asking for a divorce. I know damn well that their wife told them over and over and over what was bothering them. These men are just blindsided to find out their wives were serious and there are consequences.
"I had NO clue! I was TOTALLY blindsided!".is such a common, accepted, normal, popular, and favorite response from certain men because it's the most comfortable, and it's the same lazy @&& mindset they're used to that caused the situation in the first place.
if they're used to not taking responsibility for their actions and the consequences of their actions IN the relationship, there's no reason that that would suddenly change AFTER the relationship.
Claiming they had no idea is the same lack of taking responsibility that (significantly) contributed to causing the relationship to fail in the first place.
It's the favorite, popular thing among "men" like that to say. You're either a self responsible, mature adult or a victim, and for many "men", or rather, man children, victim is so much more comfortable and appealing. "Everybody: feel sorry for me! Baby me! Mommy, that girl was mean to poor, innocent, special me! If only women treated me as good as you, mom! I mean a girlfriend and wife should just be another mom and servant for me but with "benefits" (and for ME - MY funtime should be the priority, not HERS) right?!?! Ha ha, stupid women! Waaaa!"
Guy's like this are serious man children. There's nothing worse than witnessing an arrested development grown a&& man who is the opposite of an actual mature, responsible adult. A taker in the world. Not a giver, not a contributor. World is just about him, for him. It's like, no, you're a GROWN ADULT NOW - do you even know what that means?
But here's another part of the problem: why does society and people keep raising and producing these kinds of "men"? How does this continue to be such a common thing and keeps happening? 😩
Expatriarch refers to decades of terrible popular relationship advice being in the culture as part of it, but that's only part of it.
Enough with "oh boys will be boys ha ha". Men aren't boys anymore they're adults and should be and need to be raised and held to higher standards required and necessary in adulthood.
@@tinaperez7393 The irony is Red Pill men constantly say women don't take responsibility. They don't explain HOW though. They don't look at themselves unless it's to fix things like their income or looks. Their bad behavior in relationships is invisible to them.
@@lorrilewis2178when they say women should be "held accountable" and "take responsibility," what they really mean is absorb all the blame, even for things over which the woman in question had no control and/or occurred as a result of other people's actions.
@@leighreinhart6185 My experience with men is that they are the blind sex for sure.
The worst thing as therapist often think it real and the woman is a poor communicator.
“Tolerable level of permanent unhappiness”
This is it. This is Hell.
🤯So well and simply put. Why is this mindset so elusive in our culture?
Simple, men have the most power overall, so most take advantage of that! It’s why so many complain about women’s insanely high standards when those standards are just “be respectful” most of the time. Before, they could strong arm a woman into marriage because she had NO ability to live on her own! Women were FORCED to put up with men taking advantage of the system! Now, women are perfectly able to live on their own, so they can enforce their standards! It pisses many men off as a result. Sadly though, there are still many women that buy into the old bullshit because it was what they were raised into. And enough women are like that most men don’t need to adjust to the change women’s priorities. Don’t worry though! As more and more women stand up for themselves, more and more men will see they can’t just coast by anymore. The REALLY important thing is to teach young boys not to react to this change with anger, but with wanting to improve themselves as well!
i blame the parents.
@@Thewhiteandorangemedia also plays a role. So many incels get upset that women, usually written by men obviously, don't act in real life the way they do in movies and shows, where we're often just a prize to be won.
@@Thewhiteandorangewell then, things will never change when people don't take responsibility for their own choices, and just blame their parents.
Also, "blame the parents" is just another way to blame women for all the ills of the world, and not blame men at all, or a self-reinforcing system.
@@kikijewell2967 no, blame the parents is literally blame the parents. it was written in plain English. if you're one of those people who blames women for everything, that sounds like a you problem.
also, blaming the parents and being able to be accountable arent mutual exclusive things. our society progressing forward in part owes it's pace to the people who want to be better than their parents.
Willful ignorance is just as bad as gaslighting
Studies have shown that men are fine at understanding indirect communication when it benefits them. When it doesn’t benefit them, suddenly they have no idea that reluctance means no, that unhappiness means “this relationship is in trouble,” etc.
Right? They want us to believe they can't understand indirect communication and then they're also out here in every single career that requires it as a fundamental skill in order to be successful.
I'll grant that toxic masculinity does make them suck at it more often than they'll admit, and women are often better at it simply because it's a skill that requires practice and men aren't expected to practice it in the same ways in our culture, but they absolutely are fully capable of it anytime they're financially or socially motivated.
that seems interesting, do you remember any of the title of authors of these studies so I can look them up? when you get the chance, ty
@@betternow6755 Not off the top of my head, but a blog post called “Mythcommunication: It’s Not That They Don’t Understand, They Just Don’t Like The Answer” is a good place to start. The same author has another post, “Talking Past Each Other,” that also discusses a study that found that young men have no trouble interpreting indirect communication in most contexts.
@@jasminecollins897
Some of the bull💩 that men have told on the internet:
1. Women are loved unconditionally.
2. Men can't understand indirect communication.
3. Women loved being treated poorly
4. Women love "chad"
Idk what happens to these guys.
@@mrjones2721 I have been saying this the whole time. Men go to work and have bosses and I am absolutely sure their bosses don’t have to tell them all the time what they have to get done at work. At work, men see what needs to be done and do it without being told.
But suddenly in their romantic relationships they need to be told directly all the time what to do?!
Nope, not buying that lie.
That book "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" is all about making excuses for men and putting all the emotional responsibility on women. There's a book I wouldn't mind getting banned from kids!
You are so right. I recall a passage in the book where he describes he and his wife going for a walk and him saying they should relax when they get home. His wife tells him she can't relax. There are several things she must get done for the children and household before she can relax. He just chalks that up to the difference between men and women. Not once, does he suggest he should have helped her.
Same with the book “ why men love bitches “ she literally is trying to socialize women to adhere to patriarchal insecure men. Books like “ attached “ and “ all about love “ and “the will to change “ are amazing because they guide men towards a life of love and not a life of avoidance and deflection
The "Men are from Mars" book really pissed me off. Just cause I'm female doesn't automatically make me enjoy cleaning 😡
@@chrissiewb721same. I hate cleaning! Cooking? Hell yeah! I love making delicious food and sharing it with others. The cleaning afterwards is the only bad part. 🤢
@@fanime1but cooking is work too (and the meal planning and recipes and grocery shopping AND the dreaded cleaning after) so the point is obviously, that it's all domestic WORK that everyone in the household needs to share or at least figure out what makes sense and is fair to everyone. And kids should be raised to know how and do the chores too because it's raising them for life - to be adults who do their housework too. And who aren't "blindsided" by what's required to maintain a home when they leave their home for the first time.
Saying "I had no idea why she just left me out of the blue" should be a major red flag.
It is. Same with „all my exes are crazy.“
@@xysarenottheprize yes exactly!
I immediately translate it to, "I didn't put enough attention to my partner and treated them more like a possession than a person with wants and feelings."
My ex was saying that even after I told him why.
Right. "No idea". Sure.
Wow. This is poetry.
"If it matters to you, it matters to me," should be added to wedding vows. Forget wedding rings, this saying should be tattooed on the back of the bride and groom's hands.
That's a lovely idea, actually.
i've said this twice--recently and at least a year ago--to someone i care deeply about who can't respond and clearly doesn't return the sentiment! i'm better off alone and am happy and fulfilled enough not to need a partner, so, believe me, i'm not digging for one!
My Ex actually said he knew I cried myself to sleep a lot of the time, but since I didn't make it uncomfortable enough for him to change by making him sleep on the couch or things like that, he figured it was OK. He was also 'blindsided' when I wanted more from the relationship than I was getting and he became an Ex. Needless to say I had tried talking to him many times.
"I had NO clue! I was TOTALLY blindsided!".is such a common, accepted, normal, popular, and favorite response from certain men because it's the most comfortable, and it's the same lazy @&& mindset they're used to that caused the situation in the first place.
if they're used to not taking responsibility for their actions and the consequences of their actions IN the relationship, there's no reason that that would suddenly change AFTER the relationship.
Claiming they had no idea is the same lack of taking responsibility that (significantly) contributed to causing the relationship to fail in the first place.
It's the favorite, popular thing among "men" like that to say. You're either a self responsible, mature adult or a victim, and for many "men", or rather, man children, victim is so much more comfortable and appealing. "Everybody: feel sorry for me! Baby me! Mommy, that girl was mean to poor, innocent, special me! If only women treated me as good as you, mom! I mean a girlfriend and wife should just be another mom and servant for me but with "benefits" (and for ME - MY funtime should be the priority, not HERS) right?!?! Ha ha, stupid women! Waaaa!"
Guy's like this are serious man children. There's nothing worse than witnessing an arrested development grown a&& man who is the opposite of an actual mature, responsible adult. A taker in the world. Not a giver, not a contributor. World is just about him, for him. It's like, no, you're a GROWN ADULT NOW - do you even know what that means?
But here's another part of the problem: why does society and people keep raising and producing these kinds of "men"? How does this continue to be such a common thing and keeps happening? 😩
Expatriarch refers to decades of terrible popular relationship advice being in the culture as part of it, but that's only part of it.
Enough with "oh boys will be boys ha ha". Men aren't boys anymore they're adults and should be and need to be raised and held to higher standards required and necessary in adulthood.
My ex freaked out when I broke up with him after I told him “don’t do this particular thing or I will break up with you,” and then he went ahead and did that particular thing without hesitation, leading, of course, to the break up. This was also following months of toxicity and emotional aggravation from him, as well as him wanting me to completely change who I was and just not being attracted to me at all. And yet he said I was selfish for leaving.
@@wolfe440--- If you used those exact words with him, then it's on him. Ignore him.
@@ak5659 Yup. Those exact words. I’d also just had enough of him by that stage because he was such a dick in general, I’d reached a boiling point. I’ve since blocked him everywhere because he was emotionally manipulating me even after we broke up. I’m now with a great guy, and I’m not looking back other than to warn others: Know your value.
@@wolfe440 Just be aware: he might try to get you back just to be the one that dump you.
Most women try to address problems in their relationships and make them work instead of leaving immediately, oftentimes giving more time and energy than the really should to convince their partner to do even the most basic things. Men just don't think that they NEED to care until it is too late
exactly. women run themselves into the ground, and by the time a man wakes up and smells the coffee, the woman is done with him. matt inman of "the oatmeal" has a very funny comic titled "cat vs computer"--i was the cat, and my ex was the person addicted to the computer.
It's almost guaranteed that she tried, several times, over an extended period of time, to explain to him why she was unhappy, and he just didn't want to hear it. He didn't care about it, since it didn't affect him - he only took notice once it affected him, i.e. he lost his source of free domestic labour.
Men tell about how they need to feel useful for them turn out completely useless when their partner wants them to be useful.
I told my ex that I was extremely unhappy ☹️ and that our relationship is the biggest part of it. He was surprised 😮 when I left because nothing changed.
Well that's because in his mind you "left for no reason".
Good on you. The fact that it made her CRY is awful. It truly shows what women are trained to deal with. Relief from the mental load is seen as a gift, even though (most) men don't even suspect that mental load exists. Society has failed women so bad.
exactly.
I noticed some men atleast were taught to communicate in a way that there is not a problem unless someone is actively complaining or arguing, they were taught a problem is solved when no one is talking about it and the winner is whoever gets the other to give up. Thinking that giving in is literally acceptance or agreement, which is why men bitch about "Fine.".
Thats what happens when you dont allow little boys to express anger. I was never told not to cry as a kid, but i was told to never yell or get angry, and it took me years of effort and introspection to realise that mantaining a cool head and a calm voice doesnt equal being happy or at peace or having a good relationship.
But people like Expatriarch would blame it on me because i was allowed to cry, i shouldve just dealt with my emotions that way... There was never any shame in it, idk why i didnt do it... Ofc my take is that as a guy im more biologically prone to anger than crying.
However, even if that anger is controlled and non violent, and crying can come paired with violence or self harm, crying is seen as a brave show of emotion, anger is dangerous, bad, and to be supressed.
I used to fight with my ex a lot about the house being too cold, even during the summer. He hated the heat, so he was very stubborn about raising the temp above 60. Over time, I learned to wear layers of clothes, carry around an electric blanket, and when it was warm out, to go outside periodically and soak up some rays. I would only say something if I'd done all of that and was still freezing. This happened one day, and he got annoyed and asked me if I'd ever considered "just not saying anything". He was surprised when I said that I was already doing that as much as possible...He hadn't realized that he'd trained me to choose being unhappy over telling him what was wrong.
In many ways, he was a kind and loving partner, but there were a lot of issues similar to this in the relationship. I hope someday he'll learn; I really do want him and his future gf to be happy together.
Have you tried just not saying anything is wild. I can't imagine he's a kind person when something like that can come out of his mouth...
@@sarahdawson975 He was such an odd mass of contradictions, it's hard to explain...He grew up in a very screwed-up home that stunted him emotionally and taught him to never rely on other people for help. One night we were laying in bed and I heard him crying quietly to himself. I asked him why and he said it was because he'd been thinking about mortality and the idea of losing me really got to him because he loved me so much. When I needed him for big things like financial help, he was always there for me.
But for small everyday things, he almost never gave any ground. He also almost never asked me for anything even when he clearly could have used my help. I had to pry any needs he had out of him with a crowbar. This went for his other friends too; our roommates once told me they didn't feel like they knew him well even though they'd been friends for almost ten years. When we broke up I told him that this wasn't normal, and he needed to go to therapy and fix his shit. To his credit he agreed, and I hope to god it works because we are still friends and I think he deserves happiness. I absolutely would not date someone like him again though. Too much stress.
Literally the most attractive thing a man can do is recognize a problem and take action to fix that problem without having to be asked. It’s too bad that’s impossible to find nowadays.
It’s not impossible to find, just those kind of guys get taken off the dating market early. I know a lot of couples where the guys like that, but very few single guys like that. 😅
@@autumn7157 Exactly.
It's not impossible to find. That's a self fulfilling prophecy. Raise your standards, raise your results.
However, there's a mid area - guys who are irresponsible and not self responsible, mature adults aren't valid good partner material.
But some guys who aren't necessarily great at housework aren't all a lost cause and waste of time.
If they genuinely care and want to be a good spouse and dad, communication and heck even training might be necessary but as long as they actually WANT to do their part and be a good partner and dad, they CAN BECOME good at sharing the housework, emotional workload, etc.
The difference is they'll demonstrate the care and willingness to do that by actually doing it and getting good at it.
And those need to be consistent attitude and actions and behavior demonstrated while dating - not after marriage.
No one's perfect right out of the gate - or even after - but the willingness to learn and a demonstrated consistent effort (the actions and behavior not just words) to get good at communication skills, relationship skills, domestic workload responsibilities etc are the important thing.
I love my partner, he's great in so many ways, but for the love of goodness, don't ask me where this thing goes, in the house we've lived in together for the last 11 years, for the 67th time.. or how to do X, or what Y needs doing.. 40 times a week with 40 different things.. and after 15 years of this my reply is now "figure it out" and "I'm not your manager". Apparently I'm not being nice about it.. (we've had COUNTLESS conversations about this, me in tears over the stress of being "in charge" of everything and our "lives chat-gpt"and not wanting to be). How is it so common for women to be dealing with an almost childlike level of incompetence? (I know his mother had a pathological level of raising him incompetent, so i made excuses for him early on, but most mothers aren't as mental as his so why is it so common?) But it is true, we get what we allow.. and now he's working on figuring it out and bless him he's trying not to ask so much.. but me talking to him about it didn't help, only putting my foot down and refusing to play.. so what's this thing about direct communication ? 🤔
@@OneCatShortOfCrazy--- Where he thinks it should go has turned out to be 'wrong' too many times in the past. If everything you've tried didn't work and you tell him 'I'm not your manager.' seems to work, that means the previous consequences were worse.
I am a guy. I just had a conversation with my dad about why I hold tall boundaries with my parents. And my dad said "every relationship always has people hurting each other, and that if you are afraid of being hurt, then you won't develop relationships."
And I think we should add "tolerable level of hurt, whether intentional or unintentional" to the list of things men say. It's as if they want to live with it, rather than trying to achieve an ideal of it.
I really was on the verge of tears at that point. I get that all relationships may have hurts, but if that ends up being the first response thrown, rather than "I am sorry, I can see that I have hurt you", that is what we call an excuse.
Men: the point is for your partner to be _happy_ not to tolerate unhappiness. Is she actually happy?
I was talking to a random guy in a bar and said something along the lines that I'll only be in a relationship if being in it makes me happier than I was single, and a few guys overheard and came over to argue me down that they were shocked at how "selfish" and "transactional" that was of me. One guy (drunk) even said "My girlfriend is miserable, so what, you're saying she should just... throw our entire relationship away just because she's unhappy in it?" I was like, idk dude, I don't know you or her, but why are you ok with her being, as you put it, miserable? (Because true love means she should stay no matter what, was his rationale, if anyone is curious.) It was really shocking to realize that some men understand relationships as something in which women sacrifice their happiness in order to increase his. Up until that point, I had assumed they were merely oblivious.
(And yes I said some men, not all or most men. I realize men drinking alone on a Tuesday isn't a representative sample. It was still a surprise that anyone, much less multiple people, were that aware but still felt entitled.)
@@basilspaghettiwow, they really do know, huh.
men: well shes crying but isnt yelling and refuses to talk to me to yes? i mean if she was upset she would tell me.
wait, that's a thing?!??
A lot of men are unhappy in relationships and view it as a duty. They get married begrudingly.
But sometimes you say it, he says he gets it, and then 2 weeks later it is same old, same old.
that's called him not caring enough about you to continue putting work in the relationship, after the 'fight' is over.
Yeah, that's on purpose too.
@@zelousfoxtrot3390 That's Narcissist behavior - it's called Future Faking.
Men say “As long as she’s still talking, everything is ok.” That talking includes her asking them to do things they don’t intend to do, complaining, even fighting with them. Then they say they were blindsided when she leaves. They weren’t blindsided, they just don’t give a damn.
A side note: NEVER in history a nagging woman actually stopped nagging and tried to figure out why he won't do it and what's actually the problem.
@233lynx Classic gaslighting to answer a video about men gaslighting.
@@233lynxif you need to be nagged, then you're not doing what you're supposed to do.
Although, when she gets too tired and hopeless and stops talking, some men will be happy "we're doing so well now, aside from a dead bedroom, everything is really nice at home, not like it used to be with arguments and nagging" not realizing that this is the end, she's done.
@233lynx You are so childish and illogical. A woman asking you to do something, trying to communicate with you is NOT nagging!
She also shouldn’t have to beg and plead to get you to do something, especially if you’re in the relationship with her because you CHOSE to be. If you want to leave- LEAVE!
perfect example of how childish and exhausting most males are. Thanks for your comment.
Basically: "Here's the most important piece of advice for who's in a relationship: be a decent human being to your partner, don't upset them willingly, If you do that by mistake work to fix the mistake, be aware of what makes the person that you supposedly love happy, do that, and be someone that would be worth staying with for a long time. Do not be a selfish, borderline sadistic and/or incompetent human." Uh. And I thought that all this wouldn't need explaining. Sorry (disappointed) to hear It's not always the case.
Yep. My plan for the future, and an important lesson I'm teaching my daughter: find the people that are already capable of both being happy and of making others happy, and who actively take steps to do so every day. And who appreciate it when the people in their lives do the same. Small steps, big steps, for the small joys and the long-term happiness. All of it matters.
I'm not saying that they have to BE happy all the time, or that they have the sole responsibility for our happiness.
But they have to have happiness and connection as active priorities in their daily lives. Having to teach someone how to be kind and caring (for themselves or others) is a recipe for exhaustion and loneliness.
Too many men are Narcissistic Misogynists
“The ones who have it good will never understand why.”
The thing that men do of keeping you in a tolerable level of unhapiness puts me off and makes me wanna be gay.
*lesbian
And same sis, same
@@subhadramahanta452 me too!!
Men are proof sexuality is not a choice
What in the world is a “tolerable level of unhappiness”?!
You know they are unhappy, but it doesn't impact you enough for you to care, so you are okay with them being unhappy.
Any level of unhappiness is tolerable if it’s unhappiness in a person you don’t care about.
If that person you don’t care about is a spouse, it’s tolerable until they leave and inconvenience their partner
2:29 literally this is such a kind and loving thing to do. To do something you personally feel is unnecessary, just to make your partner feel better when they have it hard. I feel like the majority of men are unable to think this far beyond themselves in relationship, unfortunately.
Man: Why don't you just tell me what you want?
Woman: *tells him what she wants*
Man: Oh for the love of God stop nagging
And go "make him a sandwich". Pieces of 💩.
@@maddiewaters7112 very true
No one is just blindsided by their partner or spouse leaving. Especially if you've been together for years. It's ridiculous to say you had no idea.
Yeah, tiktok is full of women saying like "why did he leave?". Ridiculous TBH.
@@233lynx You just went and confused "abusers are actually good at manipulation sometimes and trauma brains being blind-sided is VERY real" with "I'm the person who is abusive and can notice things when people with power over me are setting boundaries but somehow cannot when my partner does + I expected partner(!) to bear with me as I pear with ppl with power over me"
You do realise that indeed, abusers and survivors of abuse are both blind-sided, yet the way they are blind-sided is different and the way in which and to whom they are accountable is different.
The person who benefits from the abuse of their partner, owns all responsibility for it and is accountable towards the partner.
The survivor of abuse who has a trauma response has no responsibility for their abuse. They are accountable towards themselves in terms of seeking support successfully and working through how their trauma affects them.
My ex literally said they wanted a life and children with me a day prior to leaving. I regularly asked about satisfaction with the relationship and attended to them because this person mattered to me like air. Is it really the case that this "never" happens or am I also just inattentive & willfully blind?
@@CorinthianIvoryI dunno....how did you respond to their statement that they wanted children with you? With enthusiasm? Or hesitation? Could be why they left... ??
@krishannam1346 enthusiasm
I could write a book on this one. My last ex says he was "blindsided" by me wanting to break up despite me bringing up multiple issues, some very serious issues, to him over the years, trying to talk them out, and him sweeping them under the rug or even shaming me for bringing things up and making him "feel bad". If I brought up anything, somehow, he'd have an instance where I did it, too, stuff I know I'd never done, and he could never name the time or describe what happened, and when I'd ask him why he never said anything, so we could resolve it, he'd just tell me he "didn't keep receipts to bring up later". EYEROLL, because, if that was the case and it didn't bother you, why are you bringing it up now and only when I have an issue to bring up?
So, when we broke up he said he didn't expect it (we were literally in the middle of an issue, which he was avoiding and it was the final straw for me, among other things because the relationship was full of emotional abuse and I was literally getting sick from it) and that I "abandoned" him. Like, I had given him so many chances to try and talk to me and fix things and I was communicating things, I was willing to work on things, so I'm still confused TO THIS DAY how he was blindsided. I truly believe men say this because they ignore what we say to them, and never think we will leave because we had been trying so hard to make things work, so we couldn't be too unhappy. However, everyone has a breaking point. Now, when I hear men say they were "blindsided" by a relationship, I take it as he didn't listen to her during the relationship or try to fix things with her, instead he left it up to her while he just floated along, not caring if she was suffering. He was okay, and that was all that mattered. Not a relationship I'm willing to get into, not an experience I'm willing to relive.
Classic man, only bringing up their issues to minimize ours or to silence us. Even though they never actually show they care about it any other time. As long as they're not affected, they don't take us seriously at all when we tell them they are hurting us. Their attitudes hurt us, their behaviors hurt us. Then they throw their fit and act surprised when we choose to be lonely cat ladies over being with them, when we choose celibacy, when we choose the bear.
I don't think he was blindsided by you leaving him, he was gaslighting you. And he is manipulating you to this day, because you're still confused about it. He knew that you were unhappy. He hoped you would stay anyway without him having to work for it. It's a power play not love. Speaking from experience.
@@munaapfelbaum6576 Exactly. The majority of XY's are narcs.
I see we dated the same man. Once I started acting out of character in reaction to his BS, I knew it was over. And yes he was "heartbroken" and "abandoned" when I left but had a new girl on his arm like a week later 🤣🙄 Some people really are just expired milk.
"instead he left it up to her while he just floated along, not caring if she was suffering. He was okay and that was all that mattered." Wow, that hits home hard.
omg, THIS. my first ex "didn't know" i was hungry as we were on the road running weekend errands, no matter how many times i told them "i'm getting hungry" and "i'm hungry" until i'd pass out from hypoglycemia on a weekly basis. they weren't hungry, so i obviously wasn't, either, even though i am half their size and hypoglycemic. they "didn't know" there was a problem in the marriage even though i begged them to come to marriage counseling with me and had to go by myself like 3-4 times to keep the marriage afloat. and they were completely blindsided when i finally asked for a divorce. and yes--i am MUCH happier as a single person than i ever was when i was married!!
They weren't blindsided. They were just blind.
*They just didn't care
They say "I didn't know" and the translation is "I didn't want/care to know"
The message I hear the loudest when a man says they're blindsided by their partner leaving is that they haven't done a shred of introspection about the situation or their partner.
Many years ago, I had a boyfriend (I was in my 40s then) who was in the habit of occasionally staying up all night playing video games before we had a date the next day, and then being too tired, so he would either ask to not do it, or drag himself through the date and be miserable to be with. I told him over and over again how unhappy I was that he did this, how dissed I felt, and said, “If you ignore me, I’ll go away.” I guess he didn’t believe me, because when I told him I was breaking up with him, he was surprised. I told him I’d warned him repeatedly, and he either didn’t believe me, or just brushed it off as unimportant (I guess). Two years later I met my husband, and we’ve been happily married for 17 years now.
The question is why men are willing to live like that.
Bingo.
Ego, power and laziness. Anything that requires work or effort that doesnt have a good enough reward, isnt worth it. That's what the pattern suggests
Because even when a woman is bringing home a paycheck, and sometimes even when it's a larger paycheck than his, she's still managing the household and doing the majority of cooking and cleaning. Her leaving is inconvenient for him. (Fortunately I found a good partner who shares the load and definitely tries to make me happy every day)
The answer is because it's easier than actually paying attention.
My parents were an anomolous case of the reverse. One year before the divorce, my dad sat my mom down for a big talk and told her how unhappy he was in the marriage. She basically just told him that he's not unhappy, and then forgot about it. Six months before the divorce, he sits her down again, this time he asks if she's ever considered an open marriage. She literally laughs in his face and then forgets about it. Finally he files for a divorce, and asks out the woman he's been falling in love with for years. She goes ballistic, and insists it's the most unexpected thing that ever happened on planet earth, and that she never had a chance because he's just such a selfish, terrible person.
Some people, mostly men, but some people in general, just have no idea that anyone but them is a real person with their own life and feelings. It's gross to watch and horrible to live with.
This is a good example of how it's not only not ALL men, but not JUST men. Selfishness, laziness, entitlement, narcissism, just general old fashioned being an a&& to other people is a human thing.
Good for you dad. Sorry he married that woman in the first place, sorry that was your mom, and good for you for recognizing the true dynamics of that relationship, not taking her side, and being in channels like this where we're all interested in and committed to learning how to have healthy and happy relationships.
Hang on- your dad was in love with another woman for years before bringing up that he was unhappy in his marriage at all?
That’s kind of a little fishy?
@@averycheesypotato Yeah. Then again, as long as he didn't act on it, no harm done. Just having feelings isn't really something you can just switch off.
That said, there is a tendency in divorces. Women generally want a divorce when the marriage becomes unbearable, men generally want a divorce when they have a new partner lined up so they don't have to be single and miserable. Obviously this isn't what every case looks like, but it is noticeable in statistics that men are more likely to have a new relationship ready when they want to divorce. It does make sense considering that a marriage is usually a drain on women in heterosexual relationships, but a gain for men in heterosexual relationships.
@@helenanilsson5666 Emotional cheating is a thing though. Where the line is drawn depends on the couple, but if a spouse invests more time on the fantasy of being with another than they do working on their actual marriage, it’s definitely wrong.
But idk the situation, I’m just wondering what the full story is
So your Dad was emotionally cheating, and then tried to dishonestly ask permission to actually cheat (without your Mum knowing he already had someone in mind), intending to treat your Mum as a maid/roommate while he got emotional and sexual satisfaction elsewhere, and your position is "uWu Daddy tried so hard to do the right thing". No, he didn't. He got bored of your Mum and wanted to hop on a new thing, but come out looking like the good guy. And I guess he suckered you.
There was nothing your Mum could have done to stop it, he'd had one foot out the door for a long time. Her granting him permission to have a relationship with another woman would merely have delayed the inevitable. Men do this all the time - they line up another relationship before the leave the one they're in, so they never suffer discomfort.
Should your Mum have listened? Yeah, she should have, and filed for divorce first.
I found your name from Burb and Bougies channel, thank goodness she mentioned you. Cause the biased algorithm would never. Love your content❤️
How is the algorithm biased? Like what?
I told my ex for years the same things that were bothering me and nothing changed. Fast forward to a few months of me treating him the same way he has been treating me and all of a sudden it’s unacceptable and a crisis. One year later, and divorce never felt so good 😌
Saying that not telling someone allows them to continue is blameshifting. In most cases women do say what’s up, but dudes like this don’t care, because they think they are in a power position, which in many cases is true unfortunatelly. Great to see that women have more and more resources when it comes to what is okay, and what is not.
I once had a guy break up with me a few weeks after telling me our relationship was good... now *that* was blindsiding
Easy to get blindsided when you put blinders on. Easier when you tilt them in to hide that garish red light of the fire alarm.
My ex would explode at me at the drop of a hat (when I was doing my best) and when I got upset he thought that if he could get me to smile or laugh that everything was forgiven and he wasn’t accountable for his actions. So it would go from screaming at me to joking and back to screaming. Of course, I “betrayed him” by leaving and he is stuck in victim mode. He even is appealing our settled divorce.
Yeah that's abusive
That's straight up abuse 😬
YIKES!!! 😱 Sounds like you could use a restraining order against him! 😬
So, men are children. It's exhausting
Yep.
So are women. And yeah, it's exhausting.
As someone whose love language is gifts, I find it incredibly baffling that men wouldn't prioritize things that make their partners happy. Because to me, that is a gift. That is a showing of love an affection. And who doesn't want to live in a situation where you're both so madly in love and happy that the euphoria lasts forever? Who doesn't at least want to try for that?
The reason I find gifts so attractive is that a good gift is tangible proof you know me, you've studied me, and you think about me even when I'm not around. It's not about money, it's about the thought. And it is deeply flattering.
They didn't know that their partners needed "help" with the chores? Shouldn't chores be 50/50 and both partners take equal responsibility?
I don't believe chores should be 50/50. Because I don't believe anyone should be keeping track of if things are 'equal'. Did you make a mess? CLEAN IT UP. Getting low on clean dishes? RUN THE DISHWASHER. What's that crud in the bathtub? SCRUB THE TUB. You both live there and it's your house too. BE AN ADULT. Sheesh. 🙄
@@krishannam1346 I think you misunderstand "50/50". That's 50/50 _responsibility._ You just described 50/50.
Men hate direct communication 😂
They like it when it's coming from them. They don't like it when they're on the receiving end.
@@teresamagnussonI never trust anyone who calls "a spade a spade". They can dish it out but can't take it (although they SAY they want it).
because they consider direct communication “nagging”
biggest gas lighting bs in history: women are "weak, undecisive, can't communicate directly, moody, fickle, etc."
project much?
And then they claim women are the ones playing mind games
My brother was raised by a patriarchy mother who believed that a son shouldn't do the housework and it should be me, the eldest daughter, who get it done. My mother took care of him with everything. He could wake up at noon and the food would be ready for him. But my mom would shout at me if i did that because I'm a girl He was very childish, hot blooded, and grumpy. And he could be physically violent to me. He was very cold toward my father and they rarely communicate to each other. But He was a very good looking guy that made many women fell for him. He went through several relationships before. All failed because they left him. His last break up crushed him badly. I saw him wandered around the house, sat on the floor with sad face, and i remember i saw him cried. But then he finally got a new gf, got married and now has a son. I see him changed A LOT. He listens to his wfie a lot even almost like he is very obedient to her. and he is very patient when his wife mad at him. He visited my parents several times and i saw him gave his son a bath, boiled water to make his son formula milk, washes his son's bottle, etc.
I thank Almighty and his exes 😂😂😂
Ppl talk about direct communication as if it would work like magic. My husband and I are software engineers, so we understand about direct and specific communication. I talk to him as I "talk" to my computer programs, I specifically tell him what needs to be done, how, and why to improve our relationship, but still he makes the same mistakes or is "not sure" about the boundaries. It's not the communication. Men are just so used to navel-gazing in every aspect of their lives (except, perhaps, financially) that they simply struggle when the bare minimum of empathy os required.
Because they're narcs that see us as inferior so we might as well be pets. Not people. And you know your dog would probably love a steak but kibbles 'n bits is cheap. And no one can proclaim that neglect? So it's all the same? *Wipes hands. "Eh, that'll do it".
Men are trained to respond to actions, not words.
Yep, I learned early on that men treat people as bad as possible. You have to be a hard ass all the time. No, I'm about as direct as you can be and yet men still keep playing dumb. Definitely weaponized incompetence. They've simply learned that playing dumb works for them. It's something we got to change.
Men claim to be active, proactive, dynamic leaders... until their wife needs a single thing done at home. Then they are helpless, stupid, passive little babies who need step-by-step directions and cheerleading to wipe their own asses. I find this *fascinating*.
Totally right. I had a drawer I could not close/open for months in the kitchen. I have been "nagging" (his words) my husband all these months to do something about it. Well, he built 3 houses, a drawer should be an easy thing to fix, no? One day, I had enough. I teared off the &@$%# drawer out and threw it out the house. Of course, it went downhill from there. "Calm down" he dared tell me.
p.s. Name me once, in the History of the world, where the phrase "calm down" was effective.
Never. It usually get worse just after.
Haha youre awesome. I might so the same to my drawer that needs fixing lol. @nathalie_desrosiers
My dad: “I hate when people are sycophantic”
My mom: “oh my gosh sweetie, me too! You’re so smart”
Literally he just means “men” when he says “people,” because his wife is his number one sycophant and he’d get mad if it weren’t like that.
I don’t talk to them anymore.
Women have started figuring this out.
@@nathalie_desrosierswhy couldnt you fix it? It had to be him? And then you break it because why not? Whats the point you’re trying to make? Thats youre just as bad as him? If you thought it should be easy to fix then you fix it.
I appreciate your videos so much!! Thank you for showing that there are some decent, sensible men out here. 💐
“I didn’t know throwing the TV at you . . .”
FYI, direct communication doesn't help. Before I left, ex said, "I could never make you happy." I only told him, in so many words, how to do it. Be there when you're needed. Help with the kids. Do some of the work. Stop expecting me to impress people while I have a full time job, the housework, the kids, and you to care for. Never figured it out. Could never make me happy. I turned down couple's counseling because I knew he's just take it all under advisement.
Mine would say all i do all day long is try and think of one thing that would make you happy. My response, quit thinkijg and just do - dishes, cook a meal, run the vacuum, make a bed, buy the groceries as i head out to work a second job! One day he said " won't it be great when the kids leave home and it's just you and me" we were gone six weeks later, me two kids three dogs.
I like to respect mens' intelligence by believing that they can, in fact, pick up on some nonverbal cues. My bf is so attuned that even when I think I'm hiding my feelings perfectly, he immediately asks me what's wrong.
No he can't read my mind. Yes I do have to tell him what's specifically wrong. BUT he loves me enough to see the sadness or stress written on my face and immediately start pursuing potential solutions.
Your bf is an anomaly. Men are trained to pick up on actions, not words
Wise words
Thank you sir. You are indeed the man whisperer.
My husband does this for me and I do the same for him.
This is why we’ve been married for 42 years.
No gaslighting and no love bombing.
Just basic mutual respect and love.
Back when I used to date, decided would train dogs,raise children but not a partner. When they told me now I needed to give up x,y,z and do what they want without them changing anything. I wear a band on left hand and don't answer any flirting which is lot.
Great info!
There will be more and more 'men are lonely' and 'birth rates dramatically dropping' as women continue to leave them alone. Men as a group don't like or respect women and girls. I quit dating for many years before finally marrying almost 15 years ago when I finally met a man that likes and respects women.
Thank you for the mantra. I wrote it down in my list of notes about my fiancée and will be repeating this mantra often to ensure that it becomes second nature.
One of my favorite books has this brilliant line: "We accept the love we think we deserve." (The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky). I love that it doesn't say we accept the love we deserve...because everyone deserves love. It's a reminder that we settle for the version of love that matches how we view ourselves.
I think men make the effort when they want the relationship to last. When they don't want it to last they'll make sure the partner is miserable and hope that the partner leaves. Because at the same time they are too chicken to leave. I've never seen someone who is heartbroken over a failed relationship. It's usually a sigh of relief.
I once read a guy whining about his wife divorcing him over a 'small' habit of his which is leaving the cup he just drank from on the sink. His wife told him countless times over the years not to do it, and he just didn't give a damn. Every woman(and hopefully some men) knew why he was divorced except that very guy who got kicked out of his wife's life and wrote that miserable piece of story on the web.
Men do little things at first, and the unacceptable escalates.
Me, after 20 years of dwindling physical touch and affection from him and random bursts of crying from me: are you truly happy in this relationship??
My ex: yeah, why?
Me: it’s just….
My ex: yeah I know, I know I haven’t been putting much effort into giving you affection lately and we don’t have sex anymore. I’ll try harder to work on it.
*three months, one kiss and one attempt to have sex later*
Me: I want to break up
My ex: well…..that came out of nowhere
Lol, sorry but that's so bad, it's funny
And before all the man say you didn't tell the women to do that too... they already are.
This channel is so helpful in understanding men
Dating or being in a relationship with men sounds so tiring with all these examples... I have had enough of a messed up lifestyle with my parents, might just die alone than having to tolerate a grown up adult.
How can I get this to appear on my fmr-husband's second wife's RUclips feed?
Send it in *anonymity*.
Youth is about happiness. Marriage is about duty and responsibility. Nobody gets married at 22 and is happy together until death. I have been with my wife since we were 16. We are now 44. Marriage is about tolerating unhappiness to make your partner happy. It's about loving them so much that your happiness doesn't matter as much as theirs and making them happy makes you happy.
Sometimes tolerance has nothing to do with it. Violence exists, children exist, poverty exists. Way to blame women.
So well-said! And excellent advice.
💯%. They know what they are doing. Most of them just don’t care. And they will laugh it off with their friends. I’m done tolerating men.
I wish this was taught to kindergartners. This needs to be true on both sides of every relationship.
My relationship is based on communication and respect.
I ask that we both communicate all issues to avoid misunderstandings.
Thing's aren't perfect we have had rough times but we support each other and work together
Most importantly he has to care
I have been saying this the whole time. Men go to work and have bosses and I am absolutely sure their bosses don’t have to tell them all the time what they have to get done at work. At work, men see what needs to be done and do it without being told.
But suddenly in their romantic relationships they need to be told directly all the time what to do?!
Nope, not buying that lie.
And this is why I left my partner. He didn’t know, after 5 years of being together that when anything is dirty he should clean it! Instead his unemployed ass would wait till I came home from a physically demanding 10 hour shift and then ask me what I was making for dinner. My response was always, nothing because it’s been your turn to do the dishes for 3 days now.
Thank You , you speak the truth. SUB
This is your best video by far.
I remember asking my first husband for couples counseling, and him replying that he didn't think we needed it... until after I left him. Guys, if she has to leave to get you to listen, she's already checked out of the relationship and given up on you. Nobody wants to live in a place where the only leverage to get needs met is the ultimatum.
Who has read the infamous book by Ellen Fein (I think it was written in the 1990s) titled “The Rules”?
My philosophy on relationships is I’ll give to you and you give to me. Therefore we’ll both be taken care of. The best relationship is two givers. It’s a twist on the golden rule: do unto your partner as you wish your partner to do unto you. Most relationships are one giver and one taker. A few relationships are two takers. Yikes…
If I can learn emotional intelligence and social nuance as an autistic person, then what excuse do such men have?
Relationships are difficult, and everyday there are minor miscommunications with my partner but we work through it. I value their happiness and put in the effort. I really don't think it's more complicated than that.
Excellent advice. My husband and I cater to each other.
"dude whisperer" just made my day.
Me to husband 28 years ago: “You have to get straight with the IRS and start seriously looking for paid employment by [date] or I will file for divorce.”
Him: “You wouldn’t do that.”
Me to husband 27 years ago: “I am so deeply, truly happy not to be married to you any more.”
I once was left by a partner who said they wanted a life & children with me the day before they broke up with me. I asked about their happiness & satisfaction with the relationship regularly & they always said everything was great. I don't see how I could have been more active in attempting to maintain my partners affection. Could I be missing something???? Could I be the inattentive one?
Moral of the story gentlemen, just do a bit of cleaning and we'll be grateful! 😂 Obviously I'm being facetious but it really would be nice. 😄❤😁
love it.
Yep when I had enough and all my requests were gaslighted I left. Recently I left another relationship as he lay in the hospital. He said to the the hospital admin he didnt need a caregiver because I could do it. I just had spinal surgery and could barely walk. I said No and walked away. He is currently in a nursing facility. It took a great therapist for me to see he didnt care about my needs .
In many/or most cases, “I didnt know” = “I chose to ignore it because it suited me,”. To me, this stems from selfishness; what is least I can do to keep me happy, and my partner off my back? I don’t know if it’s nature or nurture, but I am 100% unwilling to put up with it. Ive got no problem being and remaining single. It’s less stressful than how I feel when I know someone is favoring themself at my expense.
As a nureodivergent human I also do much better when told needs directly. I do not have esp and I have a communication "disorder" so clear communication is a must from my partner.
I was having a little fantasy today and it included a guy that I hope exists giving me affection, and while we were being intimate he let me know that I'm not going to do my oil change, he is going to do it, so I can take care of anything else I need to get to ❤
My mum left my "father", who was a malignant narcissist after 48 years, he believed to have a very happy marriage, which I have destroyed by brainwashing my weak mum - his words, because he was not able and willing to reflect his behavior and the fact , that my mum was unhappy with him for decades, but did not leave him, because she feared that he would take revenge on their (shared) children and grandchildren 😮
It’s true , a man will do . What you allow him to get away with in your relationship. If you don’t put a stop to it. He will continue to do it. In fact i think it’s better. To pick up your stuff and go to a family member house for some time. That will definitely show a person that you mean business. And if he keeps going back to his toxic ways. It’s better just to leave him for good. You don’t need or deserve that project.
As someone who has lived the majority of his life with depression, I genuinely do not know what constitutes unhappiness as most days I rarely experience what people would call 'happiness', at most its a dash of escapism mixed with dull, numb existence. And yes, I take medication but they aren't 'happy pills'.