Revelation Time - I'm Autistic
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- Опубликовано: 15 дек 2023
- Me on Twitch ► / beckiejbrown
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My video about being Autistic:
• I am Autistic / Neurod...
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I filmed this in September - so this was actually three months ago.
I've actually chopped the hair off since :).
Sorry about the thumbnail, I didn't do one when I filmed and then didn't have the files to do one when I uploaded this. So, it is what it is :D.
the revelations i had after being newly diagnosed as autistic at 24 were constant, like "oh THAT'S why i do this thing" "THAT'S why this is so hard for me to cope with" "THAT'S why i hate that noise/texture/fabric", and i still get those revelations almost daily two years on after the initial diagnosis! while at times it's overwhelming and upsetting to know i could've been saved so much stress and depression and anxiety if i had known i was autistic when i was younger, it's equally as beautiful and freeing to know that there is a concrete reason as to why i feel and think and exist the way that i naturally do, and therefore understanding how to cope and help myself in ways that are meant for autistic brains rather than neurotypical brains. so so glad you've been able to gain more knowledge about yourself and your beautifully neurodivergent brain and that it's given you new perspectives on your life (past, present, and future) as an autistic person 💕💕
I’m really happy for you to finally be correctly diagnosed. I know it’s been a long hard journey. Hugs.
Omggg ive tuned in for years and years and so happy to have rediscovered you and to know how you are discovering the parts of yourself that have always been there. I also came to the revelation of my own autism and it made everything make so much more sense. But also angier at the world because i shouldered the burden and blame for my "flaws" when really it was people being ableist of me. Now its really a game of learning not to blame myself firet. Or try to punch down and manage my sensitivities for other people. Proper rest "made" me more sensitive and aware of how fried my nervous system really is. But now. It just being a feature of my brain instead of a bug is both liberating and socially frustrating
I remember seeing your videos when your trich was really bad. It was hard to see, you seemed to be in so much pain and confusion. I have to admit that I admired your bravery for posting yourself in such a state, it must have taken insane amounts of courage, but I'm also not surprised you took a lot of them down when the time felt right for you. You have to honour yourself. I'm really happy you're feeing better/lighter, you really deserve it.
I'm happy to see an update as someone who used to watch so long ago! Your hair is BEAUTIFUL!! Glad your diagnosis has helped you understand past and present behaviors. About your uncertainty with how the video comes off, it's not scripted and it's nice to just hear your thoughts. It's totally understandable that a diagnosis like this, which affects all areas of your life, is not that easy to completely wrap your head around in a short amount of time. I'll pray for you and your continued hair growth. Much love, and as it is Christmas Day for me when I'm sending this, Happy Holidays to you!
I'm 24, I learnt of trichotillomania when i was 13/14 years old, through your videos. I was so glad to discover there was a name for it and I wasn't alone. I pulled my hair up until the age of like 21 from the age of like 12. I'm currently getting assessed for autism upon recommendation from my a-level psychology teacher who became a beacon of advice for me throughout university. When I told her I was getting assessed for ADHD, she sent me links to an autism quesitonnaire. A year later, after a bad panic attack at work, I said I was thinking back on it, and she said she felt I was autistic.
Learning that I am neurodivergent has altered everything I knew about myself. I considered myself a pretty self aware person, after years of research I knew I had ADHD. But I don't feel certain I'm Autistic, I thought that couldn't be me, not until I learnt of how autistic females typically present.
I wish neurodiversity in women was discussed further, in my extensive hours of googling and reading I didn't realise just how staggering the statistics are for women being diagnosed late as adults.
It's a lot of grief, for sure. I think back to all that time I spent - and still do - struggling. With trich as well my self esteem had taken a massive hit. I know I advocated for myself back then, heartbroken it wasn't spotted sooner.
Best I can do is take this new found understanding of myself and find an improved way forward.
Relate to this comment alot.
Yeah, less for women and late diagnosis which sucks.
For ADHD, I was dismissed for being an internally hyperactive girl/teenager/woman. I wasn't a stereotypical male child who was naughty in school or getting in trouble in adulthood. It makes my blood boil how out of date everything is.
Perhaps for generations to come, it will be better. Looking at the state of things now, I think it will take a few decades at least.
Absolutely, look at ourselves with what we know. Not sure your situation with ADHD, but I've found that it's easier to try to help myself in advance of a diagnosis for ASD rather than ADHD. With ADHD, I feel I cannot move forwards at all until the NHS recognises it. We're looking at maybe another 5 years before I'm in a position to start moving forwards... It was tough before ASD diagnosis, sure... but could at least self-help. ADHD has the medicinal side which we aren't allowed near till after diagnosis.
@@TrichJournalI’m autistic too ❤❤❤❤❤😊😊😊😊😊
I follow both your channels and your Instagram, so your diagnosis is not news to me, but it's nice to hear you talk about it, about learning more about yourself and understanding things you didn't before. It sounds like an exciting time.
Hi Beckie! So good to see you doing much better than years ago. I ran into your videos during my masters of social work program when I was looking up Trich and was trying to understand it. I started following you and watched the last video you made saying it was too much and you said goodbye. Today I randomly thought...I wonder how Beckie is doing. I just found this video and it made me smile. Thank you for being here and sharing your journey💜
So good to hear from you! I too have struggled with trich and derma, and have recently realized im autistic (mid 20s). Im a long time lurker on your channels, and I've wondered in the past if you might be autistic, given what i knew about autism and what you struggled with. Really thrilled to hear this breakthrough has helped you 😊❤
Merry Christmas, Rebecca. I think I have been subscribed to your channel for over 10 years now (I subscribed shortly after I saw the SEND ME ON MY WAY video you and Sarah made). In that time you have made many amazing and brave videos that I am sure has helped tons of others too. Hope you have a great 2024.
I've been watching you for years and while I didn't have trich, I did have derma and I related to you a lot. Like you, I was also recently diagnosed with AuDHD. While I'm bummed it took me this long to find out, it means I can stop addressing "panic attacks" and work on sensory overload, which was the real problem all along. While it feels overwhelming and daunting, it finally provides this new insight and understanding to myself and it's so...peaceful. I'm so happy for you and this exciting journey!
I'm struggling with that. What is a panic attack and what is an Autistic meltdown. I've been told by GPs and in therapy for a decade that it's panic attacks and medicated as such or forced through CBT. Now I'm getting in a tiz woz to what is what. What is also sensory overload. I knew in advance of my diagnosis about overload with sound, that's been a constant my whole life, but other areas of my life confuse me... such as fluids (sex included). Can't seem to get a simple answer.
Yeah, good to have a new insight, wish it had been accepted by the NHS when we first brought it up though... oh my x
@@TrichJournal Fluids? Like when in contact with the body or separate from the body, or both, or neither? For me, certain sensations and textures mess with me. It can be food/drink related (mouth texture) or outside like touching with fingers (such as some liquid glues).
@@phoenixmoon5580 Fluids, especially body ones. It makes sex near impossible and masterbation a no go. I get freaked out by saliva. Kissing is an absolute no. I get angry about my teeth on a level no one else does. One chipped tooth is the end of the world, whereas others move on.
General liquids, it depends. Though there are textures that send me spiraling, like certain wash cloths or wool, a certain fleece is the worst.
My Dad (who we have always believed is OCD, but now questioning ASD) cannot cope with creams/lotions of any kind, no matter what they are. Suncream has been a huge problem across his life. He finds it too much.
@@TrichJournal Thankyou for explaining. It must be an amazing person that you would be willing to deal with the aftermath of sex for, should you choose to do so. As for the 'fun' part about sex, there are ways to attain it without anything needing to be in close proximity to 'that' part (and thus the fluid associated).
I think I can understand the frustration (and possibly stress) over teeth more. Mine are... well, there are reasons I'm trying to stick to a remineralisation diet.
I also have an issue regarding textures of fabrics. (It is also getting worse on certain body parts, but as a result of either my chronic illness (Functional Neurological Disorder), or something undiagnosed). There have been a few times when I touched a certain fabric (it is a sheer fabric that is kind of coarse), and my instinctual reaction was to literally throw it across the room and bring my knees up so my feet weren't near the floor! I very rarely react like that so it shocked me quite a bit.
I have rarely worn sunscreen and had to be nagged to wear it as a kid. I also used to hate lotion, but now I kinda need it to prevent my skin from being super aware of everything it touches (including how the air circulates too!). Sunscreen is a type of lotion, but it is also different. It also leaves a horrid residue that I struggle to wash off. Sunscreen also made me break out in weird places like my forearms. Weirdly enough, even though my mouth and nose weren't blocked and I could breathe just fine, it kinda felt like the sunscreen formed a sort of film over my face like I couldn't get air properly. I knew it sounded weird, as I logically knew I could I could breathe just fine. I put it down to the sunscreen but didn't know how.
I just thought about you and how you're doing. happy to see you there dear. I'm happy for you your hair is awesome and u like the New glasses. I'm better with my trich now and I do relate to the fact that it may be stimming at some point, I'm about to get diagnosed if I have adhd apart from other things I know already. Take care and thank you for boeing here and sharing such personal journey thanks to you i always felt less alone ❤
Wow! This took guts! Well done. ❤ Your voice. You speak beautifully. Good luck. X ps your hair looks fine too me!
It must be so exciting to get new information that helps you understand yourself better! I'm really happy for you ❤. Watching this made me emotional and I don't exactly know why. Maybe because I feel hope that I too can one day understand myself and so help myself? Maybe because I feel overwhelmed by the task of trying to understand myself better? I don't know, but thank you so much for your perspective on things, it's given me a lot of food for thought and feeling. I would love to hear more about your journey if you're comfortable sharing ❤
Dermatophagia + autism here. I'm only recently realizing how interwoven the two are. Running my fingers over rough skin is sensory seeking and simultaneously sensory avoidant. I do it to "override" whats happening around me. Trying to cure myself of dermatophagia through a non-autistic lens has proven near impossible- the sensory nightmare of gloves and lotions is just ridiculous. I've been experimenting with stim toys lately and so far play-doh has brought me the most success! Sometimes it feels like the neural pathways of these body focused disorders are canyon-deep, but finding this video has given me hope!
You’re hair looks amazing. I’m so proud of you. I’m debating shaving my head too my trich is so bad. I’m so glad you have it under control
Oh wow, a stim and OCD with adhd and autism makes a lot of sense. I'm sorry it took so long. As someone diagnosed last year at 30 with ADHD I know there's a massive grieving period and a period of feeling in limbo. I hope you're doing ok.
I was just diagnosed with severe ADHD and PTSD at 33. I know the feeling. It's unbelievably overwhelming. You're amazing
I was diagnosed as autistic at 30 too, last Friday. The whole process has been a rollercoaster and the diagnosis was the answer to my entire life, if that makes sense.
It does indeed....
I relate a lot. I recently figured out I had ADHD (diagnosis yay) ---after graduating college first in my class---with no help, no therapy, and no meds. I'm burnt out of life now. And guess what---I recently figured out that I run my fingers through my hair as a stim method---which led to a sort of self-given "haircut" as my hair slowly got slightly shorter in all but the front as this year progressed. Funny, because I followed this channel originally 10 years ago when Trich was such an alien thing to me, and now I found out I struggle with basically the same thing.
My diagnosis was hiding in plain sight: my whole family is neurodivergent as well, and many are diagnosed as such. But the thing that held me back from realizing it was everyone telling me how normal I was, how well I did in school... The thing is... The struggle to do well for me was way worse and way more life-altering than what any neurotypical person went through. It was through my deep fear of failure that my intensive coping mechanisms had even come about. No one knows how much my mind torments me, they just see the above-average, even genius-level, products of it all.
They don't know about all of the basic life things that I didn't do properly for that small sliver of success: I didn't sleep, didn't eat, overworked myself by 300%, didn't shower, didn't brush my teeth, didn't socialize. To live in this neurotypical world and be successful within it, I have to abuse myself and ignore my brain and my unique needs.
Not anymore. I'm getting therapy, getting medication, getting little fidget toys, getting a silk bonnet to make the "pulling" harder... Forget the neurotypical rat race of success and what anyone else thinks, post-grad life is going to be all about me finally putting my needs first :)
Recommend wearing gloves with longer cuffs at night... If you wear the gloves, and then put a sock over it, it should be harder to grip stuff... I tried wearing cotton gloves (with no cuff) to prevent me dermo'ing at night, but for some reason I am like some super ninja when asleep and pulled the gloves off and dermo'd badly! So yeah... You might need to kinda 'ninja proof' yourself if you pull/dermo etc at night whilst sleeping (or not fully conscious!).
You are a very smart human and very well spoken. ❤
Your hair is looking amazing, you should be so proud of yourself cos I remember you said you were sure you wouldn't get this to this stage again but I believed in you from day 1 of discovering you ❤ (mid-late 2009 which is wild!!)
I'm not sure how to word this question but since your diagnosis of autism, have you been like "oh, that makes sense now?" Due to some things you've done / been through? (Hope that makes sense, if not, I'll try and word it differently 😅)
Me to I'm same as u
Well hi! You are looking and sounding well. I'm sure the new diagnosis has given you a lot to learn and take in, but hopefully it also gives you tools to work with to help manage your trich. Let us know how you progress with it :)
My mother has dermatellimania. We just got a skin infection cleared up on 1 leg.
Sorry to read that
It's good to see your face again
Good to see you!
Hey there
I would really appreciate you doing a playlist (bad memory and can't check it now or I'll lose the page!) on dermatillomania as I could use some help for it. May YOU be healthy, safe and happy, and may you have lots of thick healthy hair (that doesn't trigger any sensory stuff)! I have Functional Neurological Disorder, and I experience a lot of sensory processing issues along side it. I highly recommend googling some hint and tips on it, your life will be so much more comfortable. (Well, compared with your body trying to fight both whatever was triggering you sensorily, and then trying to not make you burst into random tears/stress meltdowns/freak outs or general non epileptic seizures... you hopefully don't have the seizure part! Not pleasant! 0/10 do not recommend them!).
Lovely to see you ❤
Yo yo :)
Hi! I found out my dermatollomania was due to my autism. I feel it.
She is just always maximum gorgeous to me.
I hope you're taking care of yourself :)
Yeah I've realised for myself that trichotillomania was because of my autism. It's a part of the OCD spectrum which many autists struggle with
Why did you delete your last video on your other channel
As it was an accident - repeated upload :D. All good - it was identical to the one that's currently there. x
Very glad you’ve realised. I hope this makes a lot of things easier for you in life. I must admit I was under the impression you already knew you were autistic by so many of the things you’ve said over the past few years or so on your channel. I forget people being nt is considered the default sometimes unless said otherwise. When did you realise you were autistic in relation to the year, or first start to suspect you were. I’m curious?
I'm autistic I was Diagnosed of age 8 of 2011
Yay hi
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