I really need to kick my habit of oversharing/ making inappropriately snarky comments at every opportunity, I need to remember that making people laugh/ think I'm isn't the only reason why people would/could ever be friends with me.
Maisy So glad you commented this - now I know I'm not the only one who does this! I have to remember that people who don't know me that well might not realise I'm joking and take things the wrong way. My motto "if in doubt, say nought and give a big smile instead".
Omg this is me!! I struggle to know where the boundaries are.. I always feel like I treat people like friends and it's not reciprocated with the same amount of effort and I get so confused 🤦♀️🤦♀️
This is my #2 biggest struggle. I do want friends, but no idea how to go about maintaining them when I already have so much on my plate. I also have trust issues. Time and time again I've been let down. When I think about friendships the whole thing makes me sad really.
I'm sorry to hear that. I think a really great starting point for making friends is to find a hobby that has a social element which you will genuinely enjoy. That way you get social contact without the pressure of an intense friendship.
Yes, can we just delve into this oversharing instantly. It’s like taking all your clothes off and thinking everyone is going to be comfortable with that 🙄 Once I was aware of this I try to keep my inner life clothes on but I just hate clothes. So restrictive, can we just be real? 🤣 No, people are quite uncomfortable letting their inner life be naked. Pity. We could save so much time if everyone would just do the same. Then you could instantly see “not a match” or “lovely, match” like a card game and pit together a good deck with a winning hand and discard the mismatches to someone else’s winning hand ❤️
I've actually once overheard someone say that they just need to invite me to a party so I'll start up a conversation with people I've met for the first time and just hold court with my ramblings. Almost like a party trick. Made me feel so small and embarrassed because I genuinely love conversing with people but I can never tell when I'm dominating a conversation or overwhelming someone with information until their eyes glaze over. Friendships and social engagements are such a struggle. Thanks for these tips, may try a couple.
I’m like you, but it’s because people are not genuine. People also use my autism/ADHD to manipulate and belittle me. I like 1:1 friendships. I’m looking for another Aspie friend because I have a lot I would love to share with a friend. Feel free to message me 👍🏼.
I'm not this type of isolated person but my Autism slows down people's ability to see the misunderstood accuracy of my gentle attitude. I like being active outside but I struggle with escaping cruel events.
I have had a very hard time with friendships bc I cannot tell when people are joking, mocking me, making fun of me or being sarcastic so people have often taken advantage of that and pretended to be my friend so they can bully and hurt me. I now have a very hard time building real friendships because I find it hard to trust that they truly want to be my friend.
Hi M, I so can relate, went over to your profile - couldn't focus on Ella because of the fire and the vent, (sorry Ella - love your videos just struggle with the steps right now) startet watching the beginning of the PLL video and try now again to figure the relationshipuniverse
For me people always seem to be pretending to be nice to me and when they aren’t pretending they seem like they don’t like me or think my interests are stupid
I really related to parts of this, especially the “puppy” comment… where I differ and struggle (and would love to hear if any others are the same or have any tips) is that I do genuinely hate being alone. I function better with company. I stay out of my head less and thus have less meltdowns. I am more focused. I feel more accountable. I crave those kind of friendships where we would make each other a part of our normal routines - perhaps not DAILY, but regularly… running errands together, I come sit with you while you clean your place, you come sit with me while I get work done, we’re checking in normally throughout time, meeting for coffee during our lunch breaks, if you’re ill I’m dropping you food and comfy things at your door, if you’re in the area you stop by because you thought of me , etc… and I know a ton of people but 9 times out of 10 I try to make plans and they fall flat. If I go out to the clubs (once every few months) I will see people I know who will run up immediately and hug me and say they missed me and love me and want to hang out THEN and will say they wanna hang out more - but then never follow through. And then this repeats. Where would these fall on that list?
Having friends is honestly my dream Currently my only friend and quite literally is my mother i sorta make her do things with me not really make her idk I just kinda get her walking stuff out and be like well I already got it out It would be nice being able to ring someone who didn’t give birth to me and just be like “hey I’m going hiking do you wanna come” although knowing me keeping a stereotype friendship is something I can’t do I more just need someone who understands I might need not message them for weeks and then just pop up
“I would basically just say anyone was my friend” oh all the memories of me being upset after figuring out that some people in school (lol ya uh friends?)) didn’t even know my name like lol uh I don’t think that is a friend, sounds more like a classmate but lol.. I think there’s a bit of something there eh
Hello Ella! I want to thank you for you having shared your experiences about friendship and how it relates to autism. I am not diagnosed with autism myself, but I strongly suspect that I may have some degree of ASD, and I struggle SO MUCH with friendships, understanding them and what they are. For me every and each person that I meet is so so important, and I crave a deep friendship so much that I guess I overstep the boundaries frequently and that makes me suffer so much. Makes me feel alone and unwanted and neglected for so much effort I put on everybody I know. Knowing that there is someone who have experienced something similar puts me at rest a little bit. I am still trying to found ways to find out if all those symptoms i experience may be due to ASD, in my country that is not a easy task, but finding people like you, open to share your experiences help me so very much. Thank you.
The spreadsheet sounds genius!! I need to start it. I always have trouble to understand the different levels of friendship and I tend to overshare with anyone. And I get confused and ask myself a lot if X or Y is a friend of mine or not. Also maintaining relationships that are not included in my routine is quite hard. I am willing to try the method, hopefully it will give more clarity to the whole situation.
So relate to this being autistic and how it alters when I had either a partner or later a husband and children. Priorities change and I think this gives us a chance to reflect and see who our real friends are. Or how our energy levels differ to theirs. I overshare at times, meet a stranger on a train who starts chatting then I overshared and hate myself after for it. Especially when I see the person again and they don’t bother speaking to me. I wonder too if people feel vulnerable overhearing. I think others only are owed our stories when they know us well! I always assumed everyone was a friend too. This started in primary school when my head of infants said to me upon returning to school after a year away that I would be back with all my class friends again. I took this literally. Relate to the phone list. I’ve weeded out so many people who were not real friends. I do have close friends now and am blessed. Even long distance friends are able to see me and make the effort to visit or see me when they come up to this region on holiday.
i have had 0 friends for a little over 10 years. i really related to your "i acted like puppy" comment. i try to see them cuz i wanna be friends with anyone.... then i push them away cuz im weird. idk if im autistic but this vid really helped thx ella. My hair is purple can i be purple erica?
Same here 1-2 friends and that too as they are more of online… also I m super friendly with strangers but as soon as they are almost friends it’s then I ghost them once for all.
Most of the videos you make and your experiences resonate strongly with me, and then this one. This one struck a major chord. I've watched it every day for 4 or 5 days? I need to re-examine my "friendships" - there's a lot of hurt from being wrong about who was at which level. Thank you for sharing this. Your videos make a difference in my life.
Oh I am totally like you on the « if I don’t see this friend he won’t like me anymore » thing, and I also realised really recently that I needed a lot of time alone.. In the beginning I thought that the fact of having friends and loving friendship would totally exclude the possibility of being autistic, but as everything else in my life clicked so well with the ASD diagnosis I had a second look on my friendship difficulties
Dear Ella, I am watching this again and again. A blackboard or whiteboard instead of the stove would really have helped me. Keep on looking at the fire and won't get the different categories.🤯🛸😅 the struggle is real
Definitely have no idea how to navigate friendships and social circles. Have no idea what is appropriate or not to share. I only find out I've over shared once someone takes a huge step back and basically goes no contact with me...then I'm left wondering what it was that I said that was too much...
You can put repeat dates into your phone with an alarm for a few days, or hours before to help keep track of special events. I don’t celebrate birthdays, so this is not a problem, but for some people’s anniversaries I like to give a card at least and this helps me remember to do that.
I have mainly older male friends for some reason. Because I am a musician and play in various bands it has helped me to be social whilst practising, performing and recording music, rather than just meeting up for a chat with people. My favourite male musician friends are very quirky and whacky themselves, so I fit right in and we have a lot of fun. They tend to treat me like 'one of the blokes'! I have met quite a few autistic people and I feel a rapport with them, whereas I find NT people hard work (on the whole). Friendship is an interesting topic though, and I have often wondered why i have not been able to have close female friends, considering I am supposedly a caring and empathetic person. I feel like I must be doing something wrong, but I don't know what! It doesn't bother me on the whole, but sometimes it is lonely not having someone to confide in.
I always used to be friends with mainly men, but now I have more female friends than ever before. I think as I've gotten older I've found which kind of women I tend to get on with, also perhaps the neurotypical women are less scared of someone different as they age too.
Purple Ella perhaps that's true. Girls can be quite snarky and judgemental. I always have felt, at least until mid twenties, that girls were dangerous creatures. 😅
I though I had no friends anymore after I went to college, but I met two girls at a concert and now one girl, I think, is a good friend of me. On her party, I met one friend of her who I have good contact with. From you'r discription I see her more like a good aquaintance, but I hope she also want to be my friend in the future. I recognize also that you say that when you haven't contact with someone for a long time the friendship will be damaged. I have experienced that. I follow that person online, but we won't met anymore. And back in the days, I also went to her home, so we were more than good aquaintances. I think very good friends try to stay in contact for a long time. Even when the contact from your side is less. As a child, I'm a lot left out, because people don't want contact with me and I wanted or maybe I was to close with them and it was too fast for them.
Maybe try putting birthdays in your calendar on your phone and set it to give you a notification every year. I have to do that for myself for some birthdays. ;) I use the google calendar and it reminds me on my tablet too! Thanks for sharing, I really appreciate it and see myself. My 14 going to be 15 year old son has autism and I have just recently been wondering about myself and it's all is just resonating with me big time! I am 43 and a mother of 4, one already left the nest, and my youngest is my only girl, I am seeing similar traits to myself in her as well. Thanks again for sharing! Much Love Big Heart Hugs Thank-You for Being You
Wingush Nibi Mizikii Kwe Begin Within Guidance so glad to see moms thinking they're on the spectrum! I think I may be autistic, but the resources for adults, let alone moms, is few and far between.
Please read this! As someone who survived a huge fire+gasexplosion caused by a woodburner, I have to tell u: Please do not put your wood under your woodburner while it's on! It's very risky! Keep any burnable materials as far away from it as u can. My post traumatic stress had a hard time watching this😨 stay safe 😘
Great video. I really like your shirt!!!! Rest assured even for us nuerotypicals friendships can be hard to maintain. If a person is a true friend they will be friends w u regardless of how often u see them. You are very fortunate and they r too. This video really helps my son too really desires friendships but is definitely gonna need help.
Thanks. I get that they are hard for everyone which is reassuring. I definitely think good friendships don't depend on any particular visiting schedule, but if you don't see them ever (which could easily happen when I'm feeling socially avoidant) I guess they end by default?
Thank you so much for sharing this.... the part about needing time alone, and being a successful human, and the CFS.... really resonate!! Thanks Ella... your videos have really changed my life. I am undiagnosed but your videos make me feel seen, heard and understood. Ps. I’m useless and birthdays etc too. 🌱 Its also really helpful watching this video as part of what has made me doubt perhaps being autistic is my want for friendship, and like of friendship. Thank you 🙏
Omg I love the friend spread sheet idea! I just act the same with everyone like they are all my close friends and I buy everyone presents even it i dont like them just incase they feel left out. I actually have several acquaintances and potential friends but i struggle to get to the friend zone as i don't know what to do past tell everyone everything in hope someone can put up with me. Please please find or recreate a spread sheet so I can copy i love rotas but I have no imagination to create one. I would be so so grateful! I want to watch this again x
Oh my goodness Ella you are like a download of what I want to explain to people but have no audience. I just want to point to you and say... what she said. Yes, that’s me. Horrid at special days, can we just not? The executive functioning side of me just can’t but I do love you. Why can’t we just send love to people when we have the feels to do so. So much more genuine vs having to hit a target of supposed to? Anyway, thank you for doing these. I’ve needed a voice for so very long. I so wish someone would start a research to determine how many on the spectrum have connective tissue disorder and possibly if this is an underlying core of why the brain develops or functions differently either due to the vegus nerve not signaling properly due to not having the proper support or the lack of collagen impacting the brain. So many are unaware of EDS and Autism and Environmental Illness, Fibro, Mast Cell Syndrome. I just can’t help but see they are all connected. When I came across a video by CS Miller regarding T.I.L.T Toxic Induced Lack of Tolerance her hypothesis fit me and my family like a glove. Her missing component is why are some more susceptible to being tilted. It seems to be a genetic core issue. Going on and on here. So sorry. So much to say❤️
I was still unsure about whether I fitted into the undiagnosed autism spectrum but since seeing thus video gave me so many "Aha-effects" I grüess now I cant't deny it anymore... 😅 Thank you so much for your helpful Videos!
What happens with a group of friends though and each one has a different friendship stage and each one is at a different stage to each other. This could happen and quite common. Gets complicated....
If you have an email work Microsoft or Google it should come with a calendar. Add the birthdays to your calendar as events, set alerts to email you 4 days in advance, then set the birthday events to recur 'every year until further notice'.
I also struggle so much to remember birthdays but I've found that you can put it in the calendar on your phone. You can set it so it notifies you a week or a day or whatever before their birthday and it shows up when you open your phone so you have time to sort something out for them:)
What a relief to know I'm not the only woman who is rubbish at xmas and birthdays. I actively avoid xmas 'festivities' and it bugs the hell out of me when people buy me gifts when I've asked them not to and told them I won't be buying any gifts for them. It is illogical, spending so much buying stuff for people that they don't need or want. Just leave me alone! I will make an effort for birthdays but my mum always had to remind me of a birthday coming up. Fortunately my friends get the 'no gifts' thing much better than my family did, albeit they finally agreed on no xmas gifts. Now I have to convince my fiancé's family I that really mean it!
And thank you so much for making these videos. I'm 48 and I've always known there's something 'not quite right' about me, it's only fairly recently the penny dropped and hearing of your experiences and that of other women who have been diagnosed is quite liberating and helping me a lot. Fwiw I also made a written list of friends I want to go visit on rotation, a spreadsheet is a much better idea and doesn't sound nuts at all! However I have realized I may not see some truly close friends for months or even years, but we stay in touch will always be friends.
My mom always made me feel bad for not wanting to celebrate my birthdays and not wanting gifts. It was so overwhelming and exhausting. She's started making me feel bad for how I view Christmas and birthdays, as per my children. So difficult.
Hi, I have experienced the same. I try to remember it makes people feel warm and cosy when they really enjoy taking the time to think of a gift and get it and give it to you. If you take that (feeling) away from them, then they feel stuck as to how to replicate that feeling for themselves and show you (in their way) that they've been thinking of you. The best idea is to accept the gift with grace and a smile and then you could always donate it to charity - then you and the charity feels great too. It's a win win win! I hope that helps xx
Oh the Big Mistakes I’ve made in my younger years & how I can make Positive Friends from what I’ve learnt in my life So Far :) Good Luck ALL! We’ve ALL Got This!!! 🌱☀️
Hey, I love my alone time but when I have too much, I get inside my head haha, so I definitely crave being around people but I’m specific to who it is eg my family only! I have friends but I struggle to see them just because I just feel fine with one friend only and don’t see the need to make effort with others? Sounds bad haha but I’m trying to change that now x
No, I cannot relate to what you said. I mean that thing with the phone and rotating the person you talked to most recently. I have no friends. Only family members come around to our house to see me. And than there are the friends of my dad, and my wife, and kid. I have none.
For me, friendship is kind of its own thing. Like, I have a best friend whom I have known for ages, I have a partner (who is also my best friend) and that's it. I know a lot of people online who I consider friends, but IRL? At university, I have no desire to make friends. I seem to be quite picky what concerns potential friends, hehe
My husband and I are very much not each others best friends and we deliberately defined ourselves that way right from when we first met. I'm not writing this to try and upset anybody especially the OP and hope this doesn't cause offense. I just thought it was really interesting to contrast and compare different relationships and how we define them. I'm not saying it's good or bad to have a partner as a best friend or not, it's just different and different is great! 😊 I hope you are having a great day! 😊😊😊 P.s. I am ASD and my partner is NT
totally understandable! My partner does not really have a "best friend" per se, but I have one. I don't see her much because she is a very busy person, but we meet once in a while or text and we get along wonderfully even after not talking for two months. My partner has a few closer friends, but if she were to pick a "best friend" it would probably be me because of how close we are.
fine piece of aspegers My longest standing friend is a guy I have known for over 15years. We met IRL in person and then a handful of times since but mainly online. He's been wth his lady since school so completely and utterly platonic. We both have our struggles and can count on each other to be honest and say the truth about the good things and the bad and the ugly. Historically my friends tend to be men which, as a straight woman, has caused some hurt feelings and misunderstandings in the past, probably due to undisgnosed younger me completely misinterpreting situations and intentions. My friends also tend to be on the less "nuerotypical" side of the spectrum as well. I find friendships and interactions with women are a general challenge to negotiate unless they are ASD too.
I crave friendships since about the age of 28, before that I had friends so I didn't crave. As a teenager I could not stand to be around my girlfriends for too long. I found it draining. Now at 35 I'm over it. One good friend is all I need and if she leaves another one will probably come along. I'm done feeli g insecure in all my relationships. My husband deserves my attention more than pining for female friendships and my kids need a mother who is present and aware
I thought I made a friend who wanted to go to a concert with me unfortunately I had a shutdown due to worry and sensory issues that we had to leave two songs before the end, it was nightwish and we were standing right up close. And I think I messed up! She told the first Aider she worked with me and I thought she was a friend (me being dumb). So me better without any friends as it’s too hard. I’m single too as I don’t want a relationship. There just is no hope for me playing hand in hand with others so I shall play on my own in a very autistic fashion lol 😝
That looks lovely and cosy by the fire 😊 Love cats! 😊xxx I'm glad I'm not the only one who puts a mark next to the good friends in the contacts in my phone! PS I just noticed Ella you are nearly at 1000 subscribers! Congratulations! 😊 Please don't bother too much about getting lights and stuffs, I like your realness and classic RUclips aesthetic. Please don't feel you have to change coz you and your content is gold 😊
What a lovely comment thanks. I'm not going super flash don't worry I don't have the technical knowledge. It would just be convenient to be able to film wherever and whenever in the house, rather than needing to film according to the sun in front of a window!
I make a clear distinction between close friends and non close friends, but I make no distinction between a really close friend and a partner. Also, I behave in more or less the same way and say more or less the same things irrespectively of the kind of relationship.
I never remember birthdays! I have to remind myself all the time! I have put a few in my calendar with alerts on them but getting around to putting them in there also requires executive functioning so.... sigh I find twitter also makes friendship definition tricky when we are conversing on such a personal level. I think the ones that respond and contribute back positively as equally as I put in I want to say are friends but by a different definition. It’s hard to live so far away because I think many of them would be people I’d want to spend time with. But it’s obviously limiting due to distance. I’m an over sharer too.
I agree social media does make the definition a little less obvious. Even so I definitely wouldn't feel as if I knew someone until I had met them in real life tbh. This comes in part from negative experiences in the past (in the early heady days of MSM chat)
I don't care so much about having more friends, I like my friends, I love them, and the number of friends that I have right now is just a confortable number, and of course, they all know that if I don't write to them it's just becouse I don't need to talk with you daily to feel "loved". It's kinda silly that I'm the only one who doesn't get jokes, and when they hang out at my place I always have soft lights.
I isolate but I would love to be able to socialize and make friends but it is so difficult The only people I do have contact with is my waiver case manager and my behavioral consultant my psychiatrist my therapist my doctors in general and staff from the provider that me and my wife both have that’s enough for me way too much for me
Don't listen to that wide spread opinion, regular ones often think the Autistic will be able to do nothing in the future they fear our differences so much. Even the low functioning can be taught how to do the easiest cooking such as desserts. This disrespectful opinion is the main reason Autistic people don't get hired, it's also why so many are only offered cleaning tasks even if they can actually do more in volunteering. We Autistic people have to speak up and prove our abilities in public.
Tip for forgetting birthday's, you could keep a box with little presents, gift cards or at least, Happy birthday cards, to put money in them. (culture within the Netherlands )🇳🇱 If you ever forget a birthday and need to speed something together this CAN be a big help. Works for me😅😁
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I really need to kick my habit of oversharing/ making inappropriately snarky comments at every opportunity, I need to remember that making people laugh/ think I'm isn't the only reason why people would/could ever be friends with me.
Maisy So glad you commented this - now I know I'm not the only one who does this! I have to remember that people who don't know me that well might not realise I'm joking and take things the wrong way. My motto "if in doubt, say nought and give a big smile instead".
Absolutely, I have fallen into this trap, I am 'the funny one' but its exhausting and people don't actually want us always to be 'on' anyway.
Same
I do try to tell a joke sometimes but it doesn't go over, the feeling of having no one laugh, that's intense, makes me wish I could crawl in a hole
Omg this is me!! I struggle to know where the boundaries are.. I always feel like I treat people like friends and it's not reciprocated with the same amount of effort and I get so confused 🤦♀️🤦♀️
This is my #2 biggest struggle. I do want friends, but no idea how to go about maintaining them when I already have so much on my plate. I also have trust issues. Time and time again I've been let down. When I think about friendships the whole thing makes me sad really.
I'm sorry to hear that. I think a really great starting point for making friends is to find a hobby that has a social element which you will genuinely enjoy. That way you get social contact without the pressure of an intense friendship.
Yes, can we just delve into this oversharing instantly. It’s like taking all your clothes off and thinking everyone is going to be comfortable with that 🙄 Once I was aware of this I try to keep my inner life clothes on but I just hate clothes. So restrictive, can we just be real? 🤣
No, people are quite uncomfortable letting their inner life be naked. Pity. We could save so much time if everyone would just do the same.
Then you could instantly see “not a match” or “lovely, match” like a card game and pit together a good deck with a winning hand and discard the mismatches to someone else’s winning hand ❤️
So true
I dont understand. Are you using a metaphore?
This is fantastic. Clothes feel weird. Agreed. And with the deck of cards image too. 😂❤
I've actually once overheard someone say that they just need to invite me to a party so I'll start up a conversation with people I've met for the first time and just hold court with my ramblings. Almost like a party trick. Made me feel so small and embarrassed because I genuinely love conversing with people but I can never tell when I'm dominating a conversation or overwhelming someone with information until their eyes glaze over. Friendships and social engagements are such a struggle. Thanks for these tips, may try a couple.
This is the best description of levels of friendship I've heard.
I'm opposite... I isolate.... I lose friends because of this.
I’m like you, but it’s because people are not genuine. People also use my autism/ADHD to manipulate and belittle me. I like 1:1 friendships. I’m looking for another Aspie friend because I have a lot I would love to share with a friend. Feel free to message me 👍🏼.
I'm not this type of isolated person but my Autism slows down people's ability to see the misunderstood accuracy of my gentle attitude. I like being active outside but I struggle with escaping cruel events.
Me too 💯😔
I have had a very hard time with friendships bc I cannot tell when people are joking, mocking me, making fun of me or being sarcastic so people have often taken advantage of that and pretended to be my friend so they can bully and hurt me. I now have a very hard time building real friendships because I find it hard to trust that they truly want to be my friend.
I really relate to this. I think it has hurt some of my relationships😕
That's so cruel
Can I be your friend
Hi M, I so can relate, went over to your profile - couldn't focus on Ella because of the fire and the vent, (sorry Ella - love your videos just struggle with the steps right now) startet watching the beginning of the PLL video and try now again to figure the relationshipuniverse
For me people always seem to be pretending to be nice to me and when they aren’t pretending they seem like they don’t like me or think my interests are stupid
I seriously wear my heart on my sleeve. I can understand what’s been said here. It’s very close to home.
I really related to parts of this, especially the “puppy” comment… where I differ and struggle (and would love to hear if any others are the same or have any tips) is that I do genuinely hate being alone. I function better with company. I stay out of my head less and thus have less meltdowns. I am more focused. I feel more accountable. I crave those kind of friendships where we would make each other a part of our normal routines - perhaps not DAILY, but regularly… running errands together, I come sit with you while you clean your place, you come sit with me while I get work done, we’re checking in normally throughout time, meeting for coffee during our lunch breaks, if you’re ill I’m dropping you food and comfy things at your door, if you’re in the area you stop by because you thought of me , etc… and I know a ton of people but 9 times out of 10 I try to make plans and they fall flat. If I go out to the clubs (once every few months) I will see people I know who will run up immediately and hug me and say they missed me and love me and want to hang out THEN and will say they wanna hang out more - but then never follow through. And then this repeats. Where would these fall on that list?
I crave friendships like this too, but it seems most adults get this from their partner, so don't want it in a friendship.
Having friends is honestly my dream
Currently my only friend and quite literally is my mother i sorta make her do things with me not really make her idk I just kinda get her walking stuff out and be like well I already got it out
It would be nice being able to ring someone who didn’t give birth to me and just be like “hey I’m going hiking do you wanna come” although knowing me keeping a stereotype friendship is something I can’t do
I more just need someone who understands I might need not message them for weeks and then just pop up
“I would basically just say anyone was my friend” oh all the memories of me being upset after figuring out that some people in school (lol ya uh friends?)) didn’t even know my name like lol uh I don’t think that is a friend, sounds more like a classmate but lol.. I think there’s a bit of something there eh
I wish someone would have taught me this years ago!
Hello Ella!
I want to thank you for you having shared your experiences about friendship and how it relates to autism.
I am not diagnosed with autism myself, but I strongly suspect that I may have some degree of ASD, and I struggle SO MUCH with friendships, understanding them and what they are.
For me every and each person that I meet is so so important, and I crave a deep friendship so much that I guess I overstep the boundaries frequently and that makes me suffer so much.
Makes me feel alone and unwanted and neglected for so much effort I put on everybody I know.
Knowing that there is someone who have experienced something similar puts me at rest a little bit.
I am still trying to found ways to find out if all those symptoms i experience may be due to ASD, in my country that is not a easy task, but finding people like you, open to share your experiences help me so very much.
Thank you.
The spreadsheet sounds genius!! I need to start it. I always have trouble to understand the different levels of friendship and I tend to overshare with anyone. And I get confused and ask myself a lot if X or Y is a friend of mine or not. Also maintaining relationships that are not included in my routine is quite hard. I am willing to try the method, hopefully it will give more clarity to the whole situation.
So relate to this being autistic and how it alters when I had either a partner or later a husband and children. Priorities change and I think this gives us a chance to reflect and see who our real friends are. Or how our energy levels differ to theirs. I overshare at times, meet a stranger on a train who starts chatting then I overshared and hate myself after for it. Especially when I see the person again and they don’t bother speaking to me. I wonder too if people feel vulnerable overhearing. I think others only are owed our stories when they know us well! I always assumed everyone was a friend too. This started in primary school when my head of infants said to me upon returning to school after a year away that I would be back with all my class friends again. I took this literally. Relate to the phone list. I’ve weeded out so many people who were not real friends. I do have close friends now and am blessed. Even long distance friends are able to see me and make the effort to visit or see me when they come up to this region on holiday.
i have had 0 friends for a little over 10 years. i really related to your "i acted like puppy" comment. i try to see them cuz i wanna be friends with anyone.... then i push them away cuz im weird. idk if im autistic but this vid really helped thx ella. My hair is purple can i be purple erica?
Can I be your friend
Same here 1-2 friends and that too as they are more of online… also I m super friendly with strangers but as soon as they are almost friends it’s then I ghost them once for all.
Most of the videos you make and your experiences resonate strongly with me, and then this one. This one struck a major chord. I've watched it every day for 4 or 5 days? I need to re-examine my "friendships" - there's a lot of hurt from being wrong about who was at which level.
Thank you for sharing this. Your videos make a difference in my life.
Oh I am totally like you on the « if I don’t see this friend he won’t like me anymore » thing, and I also realised really recently that I needed a lot of time alone.. In the beginning I thought that the fact of having friends and loving friendship would totally exclude the possibility of being autistic, but as everything else in my life clicked so well with the ASD diagnosis I had a second look on my friendship difficulties
Wow! This a great video. Thank you so much for your ideas.
Your videos are incredibly helpful and relatable-thank you
hi I'm so much like you . I'm autistic and like being arround people but also need my space . I was always literal and nieve as well
7:25, receiving cell phone signal created magnetic distortion.
Great category breakdown on friendships!
Love your aspergirl jumper. Where did you get it?
Hello Ella
Re birthdays reminders linked to the contact in your phone might help, with a scheduled reminder
Dear Ella, I am watching this again and again. A blackboard or whiteboard instead of the stove would really have helped me. Keep on looking at the fire and won't get the different categories.🤯🛸😅 the struggle is real
Definitely have no idea how to navigate friendships and social circles. Have no idea what is appropriate or not to share. I only find out I've over shared once someone takes a huge step back and basically goes no contact with me...then I'm left wondering what it was that I said that was too much...
So been there!!
You can put repeat dates into your phone with an alarm for a few days, or hours before to help keep track of special events. I don’t celebrate birthdays, so this is not a problem, but for some people’s anniversaries I like to give a card at least and this helps me remember to do that.
Where was this video when I was in high school and college?? 😭. Great stuff
Alerts in the calendar on phone helps
Love your shirt
I have mainly older male friends for some reason. Because I am a musician and play in various bands it has helped me to be social whilst practising, performing and recording music, rather than just meeting up for a chat with people. My favourite male musician friends are very quirky and whacky themselves, so I fit right in and we have a lot of fun. They tend to treat me like 'one of the blokes'!
I have met quite a few autistic people and I feel a rapport with them, whereas I find NT people hard work (on the whole). Friendship is an interesting topic though, and I have often wondered why i have not been able to have close female friends, considering I am supposedly a caring and empathetic person. I feel like I must be doing something wrong, but I don't know what! It doesn't bother me on the whole, but sometimes it is lonely not having someone to confide in.
I always used to be friends with mainly men, but now I have more female friends than ever before. I think as I've gotten older I've found which kind of women I tend to get on with, also perhaps the neurotypical women are less scared of someone different as they age too.
Purple Ella perhaps that's true. Girls can be quite snarky and judgemental. I always have felt, at least until mid twenties, that girls were dangerous creatures. 😅
Thank you for this video and for the spreadsheet idea; this was very helpful to me and helped clear up some confusions I couldn't put words to!
I really want female friends finding it very hard and not going outside hardly
I though I had no friends anymore after I went to college, but I met two girls at a concert and now one girl, I think, is a good friend of me. On her party, I met one friend of her who I have good contact with. From you'r discription I see her more like a good aquaintance, but I hope she also want to be my friend in the future. I recognize also that you say that when you haven't contact with someone for a long time the friendship will be damaged. I have experienced that. I follow that person online, but we won't met anymore. And back in the days, I also went to her home, so we were more than good aquaintances. I think very good friends try to stay in contact for a long time. Even when the contact from your side is less. As a child, I'm a lot left out, because people don't want contact with me and I wanted or maybe I was to close with them and it was too fast for them.
Maybe try putting birthdays in your calendar on your phone and set it to give you a notification every year. I have to do that for myself for some birthdays. ;) I use the google calendar and it reminds me on my tablet too! Thanks for sharing, I really appreciate it and see myself. My 14 going to be 15 year old son has autism and I have just recently been wondering about myself and it's all is just resonating with me big time! I am 43 and a mother of 4, one already left the nest, and my youngest is my only girl, I am seeing similar traits to myself in her as well. Thanks again for sharing! Much Love Big Heart Hugs Thank-You for Being You
Wingush Nibi Mizikii Kwe Begin Within Guidance so glad to see moms thinking they're on the spectrum! I think I may be autistic, but the resources for adults, let alone moms, is few and far between.
Wowwee, sometimes your videos just completly blow my mind and this is one of them!
Please read this! As someone who survived a huge fire+gasexplosion caused by a woodburner, I have to tell u: Please do not put your wood under your woodburner while it's on! It's very risky! Keep any burnable materials as far away from it as u can. My post traumatic stress had a hard time watching this😨 stay safe 😘
Great video. I really like your shirt!!!! Rest assured even for us nuerotypicals friendships can be hard to maintain. If a person is a true friend they will be friends w u regardless of how often u see them. You are very fortunate and they r too. This video really helps my son too really desires friendships but is definitely gonna need help.
Thanks. I get that they are hard for everyone which is reassuring. I definitely think good friendships don't depend on any particular visiting schedule, but if you don't see them ever (which could easily happen when I'm feeling socially avoidant) I guess they end by default?
Thank you so much for sharing this.... the part about needing time alone, and being a successful human, and the CFS.... really resonate!! Thanks Ella... your videos have really changed my life. I am undiagnosed but your videos make me feel seen, heard and understood. Ps. I’m useless and birthdays etc too. 🌱 Its also really helpful watching this video as part of what has made me doubt perhaps being autistic is my want for friendship, and like of friendship. Thank you 🙏
Omg I love the friend spread sheet idea! I just act the same with everyone like they are all my close friends and I buy everyone presents even it i dont like them just incase they feel left out. I actually have several acquaintances and potential friends but i struggle to get to the friend zone as i don't know what to do past tell everyone everything in hope someone can put up with me. Please please find or recreate a spread sheet so I can copy i love rotas but I have no imagination to create one. I would be so so grateful! I want to watch this again x
Oh my goodness Ella you are like a download of what I want to explain to people but have no audience. I just want to point to you and say... what she said. Yes, that’s me.
Horrid at special days, can we just not? The executive functioning side of me just can’t but I do love you. Why can’t we just send love to people when we have the feels to do so. So much more genuine vs having to hit a target of supposed to?
Anyway, thank you for doing these. I’ve needed a voice for so very long.
I so wish someone would start a research to determine how many on the spectrum have connective tissue disorder and possibly if this is an underlying core of why the brain develops or functions differently either due to the vegus nerve not signaling properly due to not having the proper support or the lack of collagen impacting the brain.
So many are unaware of EDS and Autism and Environmental Illness, Fibro, Mast Cell Syndrome. I just can’t help but see they are all connected. When I came across a video by CS Miller regarding T.I.L.T Toxic Induced Lack of Tolerance her hypothesis fit me and my family like a glove. Her missing component is why are some more susceptible to being tilted. It seems to be a genetic core issue. Going on and on here. So sorry. So much to say❤️
I have no friends and no famliy.
I was still unsure about whether I fitted into the undiagnosed autism spectrum but since seeing thus video gave me so many "Aha-effects" I grüess now I cant't deny it anymore... 😅
Thank you so much for your helpful Videos!
I put reminders in my phone calendar for buying gifts/sending cards so I get an alert. Maybe you could add a row to your spreadsheet.
What happens with a group of friends though and each one has a different friendship stage and each one is at a different stage to each other. This could happen and quite common. Gets complicated....
If you have an email work Microsoft or Google it should come with a calendar. Add the birthdays to your calendar as events, set alerts to email you 4 days in advance, then set the birthday events to recur 'every year until further notice'.
I also struggle so much to remember birthdays but I've found that you can put it in the calendar on your phone. You can set it so it notifies you a week or a day or whatever before their birthday and it shows up when you open your phone so you have time to sort something out for them:)
What a relief to know I'm not the only woman who is rubbish at xmas and birthdays. I actively avoid xmas 'festivities' and it bugs the hell out of me when people buy me gifts when I've asked them not to and told them I won't be buying any gifts for them. It is illogical, spending so much buying stuff for people that they don't need or want. Just leave me alone! I will make an effort for birthdays but my mum always had to remind me of a birthday coming up. Fortunately my friends get the 'no gifts' thing much better than my family did, albeit they finally agreed on no xmas gifts. Now I have to convince my fiancé's family I that really mean it!
And thank you so much for making these videos. I'm 48 and I've always known there's something 'not quite right' about me, it's only fairly recently the penny dropped and hearing of your experiences and that of other women who have been diagnosed is quite liberating and helping me a lot. Fwiw I also made a written list of friends I want to go visit on rotation, a spreadsheet is a much better idea and doesn't sound nuts at all! However I have realized I may not see some truly close friends for months or even years, but we stay in touch will always be friends.
My mom always made me feel bad for not wanting to celebrate my birthdays and not wanting gifts. It was so overwhelming and exhausting. She's started making me feel bad for how I view Christmas and birthdays, as per my children. So difficult.
Hi, I have experienced the same. I try to remember it makes people feel warm and cosy when they really enjoy taking the time to think of a gift and get it and give it to you. If you take that (feeling) away from them, then they feel stuck as to how to replicate that feeling for themselves and show you (in their way) that they've been thinking of you. The best idea is to accept the gift with grace and a smile and then you could always donate it to charity - then you and the charity feels great too. It's a win win win!
I hope that helps xx
Oh the Big Mistakes I’ve made in my younger years & how I can make Positive Friends from what I’ve learnt in my life So Far :) Good Luck ALL! We’ve ALL Got This!!! 🌱☀️
Hi I have autism and mess up with friendships. Purple Ella - you are amazing. This has helped me so much!!! Thank you
Lindsey Case thanks, I’m sorry you have problems, I hope it gets easier for you.
Hey, I love my alone time but when I have too much, I get inside my head haha, so I definitely crave being around people but I’m specific to who it is eg my family only! I have friends but I struggle to see them just because I just feel fine with one friend only and don’t see the need to make effort with others? Sounds bad haha but I’m trying to change that now x
your the same as me
Ommgggg I thought I was a bad person for being like that. :/
No, I cannot relate to what you said. I mean that thing with the phone and rotating the person you talked to most recently. I have no friends. Only family members come around to our house to see me. And than there are the friends of my dad, and my wife, and kid. I have none.
Moo pig and Bloom & Wild both email me when someone’s birthday is coming up. Yes, you have to set it up but once it is done it lasts for years.
What a lovely person.
Yet again this is all so pertinent. I feel like I have these mega friendship which end with me being ghosted and I don't get it. Is it just me?
For me, friendship is kind of its own thing. Like, I have a best friend whom I have known for ages, I have a partner (who is also my best friend) and that's it. I know a lot of people online who I consider friends, but IRL? At university, I have no desire to make friends. I seem to be quite picky what concerns potential friends, hehe
I think it's good to be picky. I definitely got more picky recently.
My husband and I are very much not each others best friends and we deliberately defined ourselves that way right from when we first met. I'm not writing this to try and upset anybody especially the OP and hope this doesn't cause offense. I just thought it was really interesting to contrast and compare different relationships and how we define them. I'm not saying it's good or bad to have a partner as a best friend or not, it's just different and different is great! 😊 I hope you are having a great day! 😊😊😊
P.s. I am ASD and my partner is NT
totally understandable!
My partner does not really have a "best friend" per se, but I have one. I don't see her much because she is a very busy person, but we meet once in a while or text and we get along wonderfully even after not talking for two months.
My partner has a few closer friends, but if she were to pick a "best friend" it would probably be me because of how close we are.
fine piece of aspegers My longest standing friend is a guy I have known for over 15years. We met IRL in person and then a handful of times since but mainly online. He's been wth his lady since school so completely and utterly platonic. We both have our struggles and can count on each other to be honest and say the truth about the good things and the bad and the ugly. Historically my friends tend to be men which, as a straight woman, has caused some hurt feelings and misunderstandings in the past, probably due to undisgnosed younger me completely misinterpreting situations and intentions. My friends also tend to be on the less "nuerotypical" side of the spectrum as well. I find friendships and interactions with women are a general challenge to negotiate unless they are ASD too.
Brilliant advice thank you
I dont have any friends
I crave friendships since about the age of 28, before that I had friends so I didn't crave. As a teenager I could not stand to be around my girlfriends for too long. I found it draining. Now at 35 I'm over it. One good friend is all I need and if she leaves another one will probably come along. I'm done feeli g insecure in all my relationships. My husband deserves my attention more than pining for female friendships and my kids need a mother who is present and aware
I thought I made a friend who wanted to go to a concert with me unfortunately I had a shutdown due to worry and sensory issues that we had to leave two songs before the end, it was nightwish and we were standing right up close. And I think I messed up! She told the first Aider she worked with me and I thought she was a friend (me being dumb). So me better without any friends as it’s too hard. I’m single too as I don’t want a relationship. There just is no hope for me playing hand in hand with others so I shall play on my own in a very autistic fashion lol 😝
Got a massive heart attack at 7:25
This really helped me a lot! Can you recommend a book where these levels of relationships are explained?
This sounds so familiar. The fear of messing up!!
This is helpful! Thank you for explainig and sharing your experience. I can so relate to the overdoing-thing!
This is the most useful video ever thanks!!
Put their birthday date next to their name on your contact list so you see it every time you look at their name on your phone?
Omg making a spreadsheet right now
That looks lovely and cosy by the fire 😊 Love cats! 😊xxx I'm glad I'm not the only one who puts a mark next to the good friends in the contacts in my phone! PS I just noticed Ella you are nearly at 1000 subscribers! Congratulations! 😊 Please don't bother too much about getting lights and stuffs, I like your realness and classic RUclips aesthetic. Please don't feel you have to change coz you and your content is gold 😊
What a lovely comment thanks. I'm not going super flash don't worry I don't have the technical knowledge. It would just be convenient to be able to film wherever and whenever in the house, rather than needing to film according to the sun in front of a window!
Purple Ella You're welcome 😊🐱
Me purple ❤ purple Ronnie hahaha...i love this..you have helped me so much already and it's only been 3 videos xxx
I make a clear distinction between close friends and non close friends, but I make no distinction between a really close friend and a partner. Also, I behave in more or less the same way and say more or less the same things irrespectively of the kind of relationship.
I all ways have to tell the truth.
Can you put birthday reminders on your phone?
This video is so relatable and useful
Best tips! I am totally taking you up on that rotating friends list. I get so lost, this is ideal! xxx :)
Brilliant, glad to be of help.
I love your videos Purple Ella
I never remember birthdays! I have to remind myself all the time! I have put a few in my calendar with alerts on them but getting around to putting them in there also requires executive functioning so.... sigh
I find twitter also makes friendship definition tricky when we are conversing on such a personal level. I think the ones that respond and contribute back positively as equally as I put in I want to say are friends but by a different definition. It’s hard to live so far away because I think many of them would be people I’d want to spend time with. But it’s obviously limiting due to distance. I’m an over sharer too.
I agree social media does make the definition a little less obvious. Even so I definitely wouldn't feel as if I knew someone until I had met them in real life tbh. This comes in part from negative experiences in the past (in the early heady days of MSM chat)
Where did you bought your t-shirt?
I don't care so much about having more friends, I like my friends, I love them, and the number of friends that I have right now is just a confortable number, and of course, they all know that if I don't write to them it's just becouse I don't need to talk with you daily to feel "loved". It's kinda silly that I'm the only one who doesn't get jokes, and when they hang out at my place I always have soft lights.
What was the book that you read about this??
Oh so I’ve been doing friendship all wrong and it was my autism?I thought I had more freinds but there just aqetences I rlly thought they were freinds
I isolate but I would love to be able to socialize and make friends but it is so difficult The only people I do have contact with is my waiver case manager and my behavioral consultant my psychiatrist my therapist my doctors in general and staff from the provider that me and my wife both have that’s enough for me way too much for me
Put their B-Day by their contact
Is everyone actually doing it?
neurotypicals and their nonsense rules ugh
It's very lonely
😢
I love you
question don't they say relationships is difficult for every one with a disorder
am I the olny one who noticed this
Don't listen to that wide spread opinion, regular ones often think the Autistic will be able to do nothing in the future they fear our differences so much. Even the low functioning can be taught how to do the easiest cooking such as desserts.
This disrespectful opinion is the main reason Autistic people don't get hired, it's also why so many are only offered cleaning tasks even if they can actually do more in volunteering. We Autistic people have to speak up and prove our abilities in public.
Sorry, that was me that disliked just, I meant to like, which I just did 😅 sorry again!
That buzzing noise from your phone being too near to the microphone HURTS. Both in volume and suddenness.
Tip for forgetting birthday's, you could keep a box with little presents, gift cards or at least,
Happy birthday cards,
to put money in them.
(culture within the Netherlands )🇳🇱
If you ever forget a birthday
and need to speed something together this CAN be a big help.
Works for me😅😁