Why Your ASD Partner Seems Unable to Understand How You Feel
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- Опубликовано: 31 май 2024
- Downloadable programs:
--- Living with ASD: eBook and Audio Instruction for Neurodiverse Couples- www.livingwithaspergerspartne...
--- Interpersonal Relationship Skills: eBook and Audio Instruction for Male Partners with ASD- www.neurodiversemarriage.org/...
Coaching services for autistic male partners:
--- Skype Group for ASD Men Struggling in Their Relationship with an NT Spouse: www.adultaspergerschat.com/20...
--- Skype Group: ASD Men’s Master Class: www.asdmasterclass.com/2022/0...
Coaching services for neurotypical female partners:
--- Skype Group for Neurotypical Women Struggling in Their Relationship with an ASD Spouse: www.adultaspergerschat.com/20...
--- Skype Group: Recovery from Cassandra Syndrome for Neurotypical Spouses: www.cassandrasyndromerecovery...
Coaching services for the ASD + NT couple:
--- Skype Group for Neurodiverse Couples Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder: www.adultaspergerschat.com/20...
Individual coaching services:
--- One-on-One Sessions for Struggling Individuals and Couples Affected by ASD: www.adultaspergerschat.com/20...
Access to “Members-Only” videos:
--- Get your perks here: / @markhutten
Parenting resources:
--- Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children and Teens with ASD Level 1: www.myaspergerschild.com/2019...
--- Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: www.high-functioningautism.co...
--- Discipline for Defiant Teens on the Autism Spectrum: www.myaspergersteen.com/
--- Preventing Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder: www.autism-meltdowns.com/
--- Launching Adult Children with ASD Level 1: How to Promote Self-Reliance: www.launchingadultchildren.com/
--- Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Kids on the Spectrum: www.social-skills-emotion-man...
--- Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: aspergers-mystery.blogspot.com/
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ASD+NT Couples resources:
--- Living with ASD - eBook and Audio Instruction for Neurodiverse Couples: www.livingwithaspergerspartner.com/
--- One-on-One Skype Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by ASD: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2019/07/skype-counseling-for-struggling-couples.html
--- Group for ASD Men Struggling in Their Relationship with an NT Spouse: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2020/11/group-for-asd-men-struggling-in-their.html
--- Group for Neurotypical Women Struggling in Their Relationship with an ASD Spouse: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2020/11/group-for-nt-women-struggling-in-their.html
--- Online Group Therapy for Neurodiverse Couples Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2020/10/mark-hutten-m.html
--- Recovery from Cassandra Syndrome - Counseling for Neurotypical Spouses: www.cassandrasyndromerecovery.com/2021/08/recovery-from-emotional-deprivation-for.html
--- ASD Men’s MasterClass: www.asdmasterclass.com/2022/02/asd-mens-masterclass.html
Parenting resources:
--- Preventing Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder: www.autism-meltdowns.com/
--- Discipline for Defiant Teens on the Autism Spectrum: www.myaspergersteen.com/
--- Launching Adult Children with ASD Level 1: How to Promote Self-Reliance: www.launchingadultchildren.com/
--- Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Kids on the Spectrum: www.social-skills-emotion-management.com/
--- Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: aspergers-mystery.blogspot.com/
--- Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: www.high-functioningautism.com/
--- Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children and Teens with ASD Level 1: www.myaspergerschild.com/2019/07/parenting-system-that-reduces.html
My husband doesn't go into meltdowns, never has. Instead, he goes into shutdowns.
Absolutely relate to that
Mine too
My ex gf would go through both. Either lashing out and/or the silent treatment
It makes it hard for me to get through the meltdowns and rages when he can't give empathy or kindness. Love is like a task. It is robotic in a way. Plus, I am walking into perimenopause and I am becoming less tolerant of negative experiences of all sorts.
Been married 50 years to an aspie and it has taken me a lifetime to figure out the complexities of our relationship. Think long and hard if you want to live your life void of true intimacy or connection with your mate. Our 2 children also paid a high price because their father wasn't emotionally available to them.
I agree which is the reason I didn't have children. They infer more than adults realize and affects them in one way or another.
Exactly, that's why I left with my young daughter after 17 years, raised her to be logically and emotionally balanced, I date and have peace in my home vs living with autism spectrum man.
Thank you for your honesty
Katie, do you regret? I feel like my wife couldn’t care less about me. All I talk to her about she seems to complete ignore, give me the treatment silence for weeks, it’s been nearly 1 month now. Left me alone on thanksgiving, she just doesn’t give a damn. She doesn’t talk to me, and has never (this is since the beginning but I thought she was just shy) looked at me in the eyes. I thought we’d grow an intimacy and break her through this shy state but it was never a state but a spectrum. I miss living a real romantic and connected relationship more than anything…
This describes my dad to a T. He’s never been diagnosed, but I know he is. I finally understand him after 40 years. And now that I know that I am also autistic.
I'm not married to an aspie, but I'm pretty sure my adult sister is one. I find that she is constantly misinterpreting my actions and attributing bad intentions to them. She'll snap on me, but when I try to point out to her that she has an anger problem, she seems unable to understand just how bad it is and proceeds to "apologize," giving (not so) logical explanations of why she ripped into me or someone else. Many times when she explains why she is mad, I am left thinking, "what world do you live in?" It frustrates me so much that I ironically become very angry myself while trying to explain to her that she has an anger problem, which saps my credibility and gives her further reason to dismiss my observations. I obviously love her very much, and have shared MANY great moments with her, but her tendencies make me feel so insecure and defensive that it's easier to just not be around her. It just seems like everything I do is wrong, every joke I make is offensive, etc. I want to be compassionate to her if she really does have this condition, but simply knowing that someone has a condition doesn't automatically make them easier to be around. To add fuel to the fire, I have ADHD and a very happy-go-lucky personality (admittedly, I can be kind of clumsy, messy, etc), so we naturally clash, as she is very obsessed with routines, order, etc.
She sounds like my current partner and I don’t know if I can continue
Is it possible that dealing with people with mindblindness is exhausting! One must always meet them on their turn, a d eschew any potential for reciprocity. Understanding and responding appropriately are two distinct aspects of empathy, and you cannot have one without the other.
Lookup the double empathy problem.
It can be more than exhausting, if your and/or the ND partner’s expectations aren’t in line with their inherent abilities + adaptions/coping strategies.
Checkout “what to say instead of sorry” from the How to ADHD channel. (Expecting yourself/someone with mental illness to apologize for anything except not fully understanding & learning to cope with their mental illness is akin to constantly expecting someone who is greater than a foot too short to get down or put up things off the top shelf in their home everyday without any stool or help…)
I need to show this to my fiancée. I am destroying the relationship unintentionally with my soul mate because I can’t describe what I am going through.
Please, get therapy, show you care, don't just rely on diagnosis
My husband left me because of this. I was grieving, and had raging meltdowns on him.
Dating an Aspie and in the early stages of our relationship. Your videos SO greatly help me be more understanding and compassionate to his meltdowns and his inability to say the words "I love you" and says he doesn't know what love means and that he can't measure it. It hurts... really bad and the meltdowns sometimes play with My mind and convince me for a bit that he must really not love me if he can be so cold and mean sometimes.
As someone that works with kids professionally I have worked with a lot of autistic kids and know a lot of this behavior you can't take personal.
But dating one is a different subject. It's hard to not take it personally when you love so much.
Thank you so much for your channel. You are saving relationships every day from failing...
have to understand to not take it personally...just as the aspie is unable to take it personally. walk away. ignore the melt down. never waste a tear. enjoy the challenge. figure out the rules of the game. know that it is not easy.... but understand the jewel underneath the mess of misunderstanding.
Run while you can
Recently diagnosed and this video is very applicable to most of the issues I have had in past and current relationships. Thank You!
Mark is amazing. He points out the immediate concerns and/or important characteristics of ASD individuals. Bravo to Mark.
So how is it not emotional abuse then? Sure, maybe he can't help it, but she is still the one that's shit on.
I'm sure there's an argument to be made that it is emotional abuse, but I feel the defining difference is the intent; the Husband, in this case, unintentionally blowing up on the wife due to a build up of issues resulting in him being unable to contain it anymore. A good analogy might be blaming the cold for causing a can of soda to explode rather than blaming the can for exploding.
Throwing someone into constant emotional turmoil and gaslighting someone IS abuse. Intent is irrelevant when it comes to what the person on the receiving end has to endure and the mental repercussions of going through it. If someone is exploding on you, making you question your own reality, constantly blaming you for everything, it does serious damage to the psyche. Whether they are gaslighting because they can never be wrong out of their fear of rejection, whether they are obsessed with control due to their need for order (or simply because of their insecurities), the result is the same. The person on the receiving end is still getting gaslit or attacked, and it is abuse - period.
Here's an analogy/example.... if someone who is clinically diagnosed with insanity or a condition like schizophrenia that causes a psychotic episode, and they physically beat their child, is it child abuse? Or do we not call it abuse because the person doing the beating at the time wasn't able to make sound decisions due to their mental health? The child was beat whether the perpetrator knew what they were doing or not.... the kid was abused regardless of intent. The child will need help overcoming injuries and trauma....again, regardless of intent.
Just like most spouses of aspies end up needing mental health help - from undergoing abuse.
because it's a mental illness? jesus christ lady wtf is wrong with you
It doesn't matter if it's a mental illness. If I have schizophrenia and I think people are demons so I go around stabbing people, regardless of *intent*, people who are stabbed are still in the hospital.
@@KittenBrute
Exactly!! There is still a valid injury... a stabbing... regardless of the reasons!!!
It is exhausting ...for both the NT and possibly the ND. Not sure I want to be the one who gives all the time...there has to be some repricocity otherwise its not a relationship by definition
Mine is still very charismatic can make anyone like him. He still cannot relate to any of them.
I respect people and sympathize with anyone born a certain way but listening to Mark describe this ASD male sounds like an absolute nightmare regarding relationships.
@@chernagast6754 I have dated the female kind and it was also a nightmare.
It is a nightmare.
Being an Aspie in an NT world can be a nightmare.
@@llarmstrong783 This is why I advocate for the separation of the two regarding serious long term relationships.
@@DarkWater4Eva but it isnt always the Aspies fault and some marriages do work out
It's why I stay alone as an Aspie. I am in a constant state of wondering what others want from me & frankly, & I'm sorry if it offends. But I can't, I don't care, I do the work, I am responsible, but my feelings & actions never meld immediately. This has never changed, it never will. So, please stop expecting us to change, give us space & you will be safe.
I would love to talk more about this subject with you if would allow. I want to try to understand my boyfriend better. These videos are helpful but still lack something.
@@Marie_me_ Hello, as Aspies we do miss something in relationships. I suggest depending on your circumstances that you find the works of Professor Tony Attwood, start here on YT, then your library, or his books can be bought reasonably on Amazon. He explains enough for you to make a decision on where to take your relationship. Best of luck, some Aspies have no feelings for relationships. Something tough to deal with for many.
You sound like quite a catch - someone’s really missed out
@@artfulaspie9775 - The How to ADHD video on “what to say instead of sorry” really hit home. (It’s almost generally applicable to any mental health issue someone is struggling with.).
I belatedly found that apologizing for issues I have always and will always struggle with … is kind of like apologizing for being too short to reach & not always putting things away in the top shelf (but still myself and my spouse/coworkers/friends/etc are all expecting things to still go there…)
The video suggests instead, readjusting internal expectations while acknowledging and thanking close others for their flexibility & understanding in cooperation with your different abilities or requests for adaptions.
Mental health issues do significantly impact close loved ones or coworkers around us. Increased self understanding, some personal adaptions, and maybe some correctly targeted medication & therapy can definitely help, but expectations for an ND to be either as capable or appear without “eccentricities”when compared to NT expectations is a recipe for at least internal self disappointment for the ND and severe relationship resentment to & from the NT partner/boss/teacher/coworker/friend/roommate.
@@Marie_me_ - BTW, the best discussions were not with the therapist, but when we would spend 10-20 minutes 2-3x per week practicing taking turns with the technique to share and listen.
To me, it’s power for communication for ASDs / NDs was two fold:
1) it is akin to a “game” with “rules” for communication-Ie it takes out the guesswork for an ASD partner on the flow and etiquette or “why” of the social conversation.
2) It put limits on my ADHD tendency to jump around and talk to too many points, too fast.
At my tipping point today with him..
Really helpful. Thank you.
your videos are very, very helpful. i'm dating and loving someone with someform of autism or aspergers and i used to take things he said and did (or more like the things he didnt say and things he left undone) personally and got hurt. i am beginning to understand and see how hard he tries
Going through it right now , looking into this helps me understand way more
@@ashleycuevas5717 I am currently going through it too. As an NT we are so conditioned to doing things our way .. (( also being someone who has been in previous abusive relationships )) it’s so hard not to feo triggered and take things personally and learning how not to react right away knowing how loving he is and how he doesn’t mean to intentionally hurt me. It’s definitely emotional but the other side of our relationship is what makes me stay or want to stay!
decades of this is hard to survive.
When you mentioned Robots..I lost it. Many times in our marriage I just stared at my husband. Could he be an AI generated entity? In all seriousness thank you so much for all the knowledge. I love my husband to pieces and road has been hard in understanding each other. But with him recently being diagnosed with asd has made a world of a difference in my perspective.
Good question!
Thank you for this.
Any time
Thank you. Your explanations are very helpful for NT Wifes like me. 😃
Glad to hear that!
Why does this only talk about the male? This sounds exactly like what I experience
Why does an aspies ever get married? To have a roommate and sex. Just wondering.
Same reason NTs do
KeyTerm difficult Imagining outcomes.
Work as a team if you both love one another. In it for the long run❤️😘😘😘😘
Your optimism is adorable.
This is correct in my experience. I love teamwork and collaboration ordinarily, but working with my Aspie mate is an abrasive, wrenching experience. He does better as a lone-wolf worker.
@@nancylee2120 "an abrasive, wrenching experience" yes, very apt description! I low-key dread those moments when I genuinely need his help .... wow
So I really do believe my boyfriend has it. He has difficulty showing emotion. He has a hard time initiating any intimacy. That includes touching and expressing his feelings verbally and physically. He doesn’t talk much however if he is passionate about something he will talk all at once for about 30 minutes or so. It could be some thing that made him mad or something he really likes. After that he finds himself exhausted and then goes quiet again. Are used to think he was an introvert but it’s more than just that. I started to go online and do research and found that there’s more to it than just being an introvert. That’s when I found the term alexithymia. I’m starting to believe he’s somewhat on the spectrum. I won’t ever present that to him because I feel it will hurt his feelings. Can anyone please give me advice as to what I should do. I love him very much and I want this relationship to work. He has not been able to keep relationships in the past. This has been a major strain on his self-esteem. Do you think it’s important for him to look into this concept? Would it even matter if he did? Yes we are definitely different. So is it wrong for me to want us both to compromise? Like am I the only one that has to be understanding and he doesn’t? Where does the line get drawn on something like this. I’m just confused and need answers. I want us to last forever.
Both partners able and willing to make compromises is called a relationship.
If you are still together and haven't already, I would tell him to look into it. As long as you don't bring it up in a mean way, I don't think he'd take offense. I think I am probably on the spectrum, and researching the subject has helped me to understand my life and my relationships better.
I just found out my husband of 29 years is on the spectrum. So many things make sense now it is like a light has been turned on. I don’t have to take all the things that have felt were so unloving personally. I have always known how much he loves me but so many of his actions didn’t line up with that.
Our intimate relationship has been extremely hard as he is very uncomfortable with physical closeness, sex has been the biggest struggle.
There is a lot to deal with knowing makes it easier in many ways but I know it’s not going to really change and that is what I’m processing now.
I would think very carefully about entering into a long term relationship. You will both need support so having an honest and frank conversation about your realization that he is on the spectrum is the best way to start. If that can’t be done there may not be a good foundation to build a forever relationship on.
@@Petunia384 yes we are still together off and on. I tried to suggest but he gets really offended so I don’t go there anymore. But I think it’s just putting a strain even more now because I feel like he doesn’t care enough to drop his pride and just look into it. He thinks I’m calling him retarded or something. I tell him he’s cruel for even saying that
Best advice: leave him where you found him!!
Does anyone have any referral , links or references to a similar discussion group for NT men married to ASD women ?
I suspect my wife of 21 years is ASD , and need help how to approach the topic. She is very successful , and I do not think she will take well to the discussion
Crap, wish I had found you 20 yrs or 2 weeks ago.
Check out Jordan Peterson
@@emilebichelberger7590 I think I've listened to almost everything jbp has ever posted. He doesn't really go into hfa at all, ever.
One of your best videos Mark.
Hi. I hope anyone with aspie can help me with this. I have met someone online, and now we're in a relationship. He told me from the very beginning about him being diagnosed with AS. Everything's going well, he started plans on going here, talked to the embassy, and even with my family, not until he got very busy with work and hardly responds with my messages. I know how busy he is with work, but I sometimes feel like he's no longer interested in me. What should I do? :(
My aspire partner did this all the time. It’s a very lonely relationship. We bought a house together 2 years ago. 5 years together. Not such a good decision. I’m so lonely and desperate for connection. My Aspie is a lovely man. After the initial dating he changed. Anger outbursts everything is my fault I make him unhappy. I’m a counsellor by profession. Aspies are difficult to be in relationship with. In 5 years we have hardly been intimate his not interested. He was the first 3 months after that it changed. My aspie is a kind man he just can not relate on a NT level.
Yes, leave. I left after 17 years, and then left the 2nd one I dated. It's a dead end, unless you marrying for money security not love and companionship
I always found it difficult of being very logical not always being accepted. The world likes to be sugarcoated with nice words and no directional conversation with no inherent value.
I'm a female with these traits. It seems under-diagnosed in females.
Most men and women don't understand each other. This just makes it a little more of a challenge. I LIVE challenge and anything out of the ordinary. Ordinary is really Zboring!!!
uh, nope. she nailed it.
This sounds more like people that experience trauma. There are NT that act in this same way, usually as a result of how they were raised.
A lot of people on the spectrum actually have too much empathy, and feel other peoples pain to the point that it is physically painful. This myth of ASD people not having empathy is not true. It’s a two way empathy problem. If both sides don’t understand how the other thinks, then both sides will feel unheard. The difference is when people with ASD are misunderstood, bc NT reactions are seen as “normal”, anything else is seen as a wrong reaction. There’s a lack of empathy when everything, even your feelings, are constantly compared to a group of people that don’t understand you.
ASD doesn’t make you mean and doesn’t give you an excuse to not better yourself. Please stop blaming ASD for something that is clearly also a result of trauma and being brought up in an environment with no healthy communication. A lot of NT also don’t know how to communicate effectively. ASD then puts everything on hard mode in addition to that. Some people were never given the tools, NT included. It’s your environment.
My x often said she wanted to be a wife and a mommy and she was a mommy but not a wife. I had no idea what she wanted to be a wife.
She told you. She told you she wanted to be a wife and mom…often, you said. 🤦🏻♀️ why can some men just not grow up and marry their women? Why is this so hard??
@@skydaddyissues3884 I did marry her. She was my wife I loved deeply, but could not please.
Great video as this why my ex broke up with me 3weeks ago as she didn’t feel like she could connect with me well so didn’t know if she felt like she did plus wanted to focus on coming home..sucks really as I had told her I had Aspergers 😔.
What about when the "wife" (not with Asperger's) says she understands about Asperger's...
Its because she truly does not understand. She believes she understands. She probably has some stereotyped concept of what aspergers is, but she has no clue about what it really is.
She cannot imagine or "feel" what it is like to be you. When she says "I understand" she might mean something like "I love you, (understand=love), and I understand that you are "nerdy" or "insert stereotype" but I have no concept of what it feels like, or how it affects you on a deeper level. I only understand it means sometimes you do x, while other people do y."
In order for her to really understand you'll probably have to ask her to imagine what specific incidences would feel like. For instance, aspie might not like a change in routine, or might want to know what the agenda is for the day, and any changes or deviation may be upsetting.
This need is similar to the upset a neurotypical might feel if they couldn't copy off of each other, or if they were prevented from ever chattering with strangers, or if they had to go to a foreign country and abide by the random ass culture and rules there which are very different from the random ass rules they follow here. They may feel extremely put off, terrified, outraged to be required to do certain things, or if they were prevented from doing other things. They might feel they are behaving like the "enemy", or giving up on the really important things in their life, even if the acts were mostly superficial. It would challenge their sense of safety and wellbeing. They are comforted by copying each other and being securely in their groups, similar to how aspies can feel comforted by routine and understanding what's going on. Although its somewhat different because some autistic people just simply cannot process or accept changes on a much more devastating level. She might think its a preference, rather than visceral neurological difference.
Your wife probably does not understand that you get a visceral response to certain things. She probably thinks Aspergers is a personality type. She doesn't understand that neurologically, you are having a different experience. Neurotypical people have insight into the neurotypical mind. Asperger people often don't even practice assuming other's mental state, they ask. Just because your wife says she understands, doesn't mean she asked, or listened. In neurotypical language, I understand means I understand you and accept you as one of my own. I understand can mean the same in aspie, but often it tends towards someone actually understanding. People who actually understand will usually USE the information they understand to make wiser choices. Your wife probably doesn't understand and can't conceive that she's affecting you. I doubt she's a disturbed individual, just trying to mess with you, but you always have to consider the possibility so that you can rule it out if it's not true.
Additionally, neurotypicals have "mind blindness" towards people with autism. They simply cannot imagine what's actually going on in the mind of the aspie person. Many genuinely believe that because a person with aspergers doesn't "preform" emotions a certain way, that they don't feel those emotions. Performance is reality for many neurotypicals. Neurotypicals are comforted by reliance on stereotypes and assumptions because those stereotypes and assumptions are supported by their need to conform, and their neurology is so similar to each other, the stereotypes and performances do mostly represent reality. Until they meet psychopaths, who perform but are not what they portray. Be careful when accepting "expertise" from neurotypical, it is usually intertwined with comforting dogma and common assumptions (due to neurological imperatives) Its how they get along, copying each other. It's not meant to harm, but its some neurological thing meant to protect their social structures, and allow them to work in sync with each other.
My ex wife read things on the internet then said she knew all about my Asperger's. Then kept on treating me like crap. She really had absolutely no clue about it.
@@loverainthunder wow .... Your contempt is coming through loud and clear!
@@infiniLor Which part has contempt? Or sounds unkind?
please hep
Run Just run! They are going to hurt you really bad.....😊
Thank you...excellent explanation! Would it be possible for you to speak a little bit slower? There's so much good information...don't want to miss it. : )
You can slow down the playback speed on RUclips.
It's laughable That a person thinks they have aspergers and yet they have a spouse.
in my experience women want nothing to do with men with aspergers.
I've been alone my whole life and I know that I'll be alone until I'm dead. Maybe this person's condition is very mild, that's the only thing I can think of.
Lucky him.
Many people, both men and women, with ASP mask. This masked individual is who hooks the person into the relationship. Soon after that is secured and the ASP individual is comfortable, that mask falls off.
Also, MANY people are undiagnosed which can lead to years and decades of being in these emotionally and socially confusing and draining relationships.
@@elyonrg5062
Okay yeah that makes sense.
I've been masking myself for decades. I just don't think I've been doing it well enough to attract a mate
@@bobbycecere1037 the right person for you will love you without the mask! Be your authentic self! Thai person is definitely out there!
@@elyonrg5062
Thank you! 😊
I needed that this morning, much appreciation 💛
My partner has ASD, and I love him very much. We are both learning how to manage our needs and emotions together, which is even more complicated because I am ADHD. We both get frustrated, but we also can put each other's needs first. The key is to put in the work to try to understand their perspective, and respect it. He didn't even know he was ASD before we dated, and I was the one who brought it up and made him research it before he was diagnosed. We had been friends for a few years first, so that is how we got to know each other and I got to see him, and love him, without his mask. :) Good luck, you can find someone who loves and accepts you even with ASD.
This is the man form
I've experienced being with the asperger's woman and it's very, I mean very similar.