How to Deal with Passive Aggressive Behaviors and Comments
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- Опубликовано: 24 ноя 2024
- How to Deal with Passive Aggressive Behaviors and Comments
We have all had to deal with some form of passive aggressive behavior or comments in our relationships.
But what exactly is passive aggressive behavior and how do we deal with it?
In this video we will be reviewing what aggressive behavior is, where it comes from, and how to address it in your relationships.
Be sure to watch until the end for all of our tips and feel free to comment below with any questions or scenarios that you would like help on how to address.
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Boundaries (A helpful workbook to help establish clear boundaries) amzn.to/3zdkAHB
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The 5 Love Languages (Helpful tools to identify your own or partner's Love Language) amzn.to/4cs5oEK
Helpful Self-Care coping tools:
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Comment below with any questions on dealing with passive aggressive behavior or any situations you would like to review. :)
I have a family member who started giving me the silent treatment and is cold, snarling and vindictive after I set a boundary, every time they see me in the house they have a mean look on their face. They’ve started pulling out of the driveway and leaving me home alone daily without telling me. I’ve already expressed my willingness to talk and understand, but they use my reaching out to further inflict emotional abuse, or side comments. How do I address this? I think they actually prefer or enjoy staying angry because this is a pattern, and they slap away my attempts to reach out, and make no attempts to reach out themselves...it’s like they can keep up the silent treatment and anger forever without getting tired.
One of the boundaries was they were mad I didn’t “think” our waffle maker needed to be cleaned yet, and I said “This is what I believe, but if you’re asking me to clean it I don’t mind”....”then they told me to clean it in a not nice way”....I said “I do need you to ask it nicer”....”I cleaned it anyway and let them know because they did a favor for me that same day”....and they didn’t thank me, and made another insulting remark.
This has actually been a pattern of bullying in the house with this member since birth. I am age 23, trying to find a way to move out.
@@Catman364 Thank you for sharing and I am sorry to hear you are having to deal with this kind of behavior.
The first thing is to commend you for speaking up for yourself and setting boundaries with what you think is fair for yourself. That is a very hard thing to do for many and is the most important.
To answer your question on how to deal with this type of behavior is simply by saying, you don't have to!
If the boundary you choose is to not accept the way a person is talking to you, you just don't have to be there to take it or accept it.
I think for the best results, you have to make that clear as to why you are setting that boundary and what boundary you are setting. People sometimes assume and think "Well they should know because it is 'common courtesy/sense/manners/etc." But the simple fact is, not everyone does know or thinks the same.
In fact someone could have read your comment and thought differently than you or even I did and that is completely okay!
What matters is expressing how you feel about the situation and asking clearly for your wants and needs with very clear boundaries.
It's important to express yourself clearly as to what you want, need, don't like, etc because you may get sucked into the same behavior and then ultimately start a passive aggressive cycle with one another that doesn't end and then no one wins.
I hope that helps. :)
@@soaringfamiliescounseling Thanks yes it does help!
@@Catman364 Great I am glad!
Please feel free to comment with any other questions or any requests for any specific video topics. :)
@@soaringfamiliescounseling I actually do have another question! This is the same on going daily issue, happened again today.
What is the difference between someone continuously ignoring your boundary, and accepting that is what they'll do, and dealing with that information...
Vs.
Giving up on confronting them, because they are intent on not respecting your boundary...and that being seen as becoming passive aggressive yourself. (for instance, saying "I've asked you what's wrong and why youre giving me the silent treatment, youre still giving me the silent treatment despite me asking that, so fine I wont talk to you either."
In this situation, after explaining a boundary, I would much rather have this family member tell me "no, I cant agree to that"....than to keep telling me "yes" and doing it anyway. And then the pattern is I follow up on that with them, they speak with anger, and then the silent treatment again...and then what feels like an intentional disrespecting of that same boundary as punishment
As someone who is used being around aggressive and assertive ppl I find that passive agressive ppl make me uncomfortable so I create a distance between me and them . And im much happier that way
Completely understandable and I'm glad you have that insight and boundaries in place. Surround yourself with people that make you feel comfortable and build you up. :)
Yes, sometimes it works. But sometimes you have to be very hard with those ppl who continue with their passive agressive behaviour. So, be prepared to fight!
@@eugeniogibson172 It is definitely a fair probability that the person who is behaving passively will be confrontational and all we can do is stick to our values and our communication skills. Strong healthy boundaries are essential when addressing this kind of behavior and accepting that they may choose not to see it as "passive aggressive" and deny it which will escalate a confrontation.
Amen! Agreed 100%.
@@soaringfamiliescounseling I am currently stuck in a situation w a person who is mean spirited, PA, covertly confrontational and sneaky. I do not like to complain nor ‘air my laundry’ so to speak; I am trying to figure out how to find a support system w people whom I feel good about myself being around. Growing up in a nuclear family of Narcissism/Mismatched audio/visual communication-as an adult I am exquisitely sensitive and put off to/by destructive behavior’s (inclusive of myself). I find PA behavior’s of other’s to be a tough road to navigate for sure.
Any resources you may have to help me glean skills to be better able to deal w aforementioned type of personality traits are more than welcomed 🙏📿. Trying to remain ✊ strong.
This is good for mild, passive-aggressive individuals, but for experienced and cruel individuals, you need to walk away, no run. They are vindictive and evil and can make your life a living hell.
There is definitely a level that these skills would work with and there are different ends of the spectrum that would require more advanced skills or as you mentioned, knowing when to "walk/run away".
Manipulators use the tactic.
Sounds good in theory, but what about when you work with these people? 😆
not going to disagree
@@we5xz-gt1 you can use NVC to whoever has power to effect your power (boss?)
Passive aggressive people say things to be digging and offensive in a backhanded way. It's that simple
Exactly! I had heard the term “passive aggressive” but I never knew what it really meant, until I realized that this girl I thought was my friend would say odd things to me in this subtle slick condescending way and often times I wouldn’t even realize it right away. It quickly become more frequent and I tried to rationalize it and I would think “maybe she didn’t mean it the way I’m taking it” or “she doesn’t realize what she’s saying” but the digs became more insulting and more obvious. People aren’t that stupid… they know what they are saying and they know what they are doing. I was lying to myself because the truth is, when someone speaks to you like this, they do NOT like you and they are not your friend. I distanced myself from her and completely cut her off, best move I ever made. 😊
It's not that simple. That's black and white thinking.
Yeah. No it's not that simple. That's how we receive it but it's from someone insecure who doesn't trust they can or know how to ask for what they need because of how they grew up.
Yeah. No it's not that simple. That's how we receive it but it's from someone insecure who doesn't trust they can or know how to ask for what they need because of how they grew up.
Push come to shove - we all make our own bed .
What's helped me is working on my own passive aggressive tendencies.
Being passive aggressive back usually ends poorly.
And if someone is being passive aggressive, I notice they tend to be passive aggressive toward many people.
I'm glad to hear on this reflection. :)
It has been my experience, especially with coworkers, that passive aggressive behavior is a way for some to shutdown communication. You can ask them what is wrong and get " nothing is wrong" or " calm down I'm not trying to take your job" as a response. They often won't even acknowledge their behavior and then make you feel like you're the one with the problem. I leave them alone.
Exactly. Thats the whole game thwy are playing. They are punishing the othee person for not figuring it out or fishing it out of them what they really want and mea. So they can blame you for whatever you didn't figure out they meant by not telling you. Their behaviour is "borderline personality" type as they are up or down, happy, down, jekyll and hide. Narcissistic. I hold all such people accountable and do not feed into their childish behaviour.
Confront them directly and when they lie to you, they'll villainize you and tell themselves they had to in order to be safe. However that's how everyone justifies their lies and hypocrisy. Do as I say and not as I do.
It's all a game tbph.
I've spent my life being very compassionate towards people, sometimes to my detriment. I'm finally putting my self-care as a priority and no longer have the bandwidth to cater to passive aggressive people. I just call out the snarky behavior immediately with a factual, non emotional response. My boundary is, if you want to speak with me, be a kind adult. I let them know what I will or won't engage with.
Sounds like great boundaries to me! :)
Do you have any examples of what you say?
@@georgia_collects Sure. Is there a scenario that I can apply to?
@@soaringfamiliescounseling passive aggressive comments in work office / on teams, usually back-handed comments and inappropriate gifs
@@georgia_collects That can be a tricky one if there is a power dynamic at play. If it is your boss, you would want to address that differently than a coworker. I do have a specific video on how to address passive aggressive bosses. For a coworker I would be more direct and express how I am interpreting the Gif or comment and ask what their intention is directly. EXE: I get a trendy silly Gif from the show The Office where it may be at my expense and rubs me the wrong way in a passive aggressive kind of way. I would address that co-worker with my interpretation and ask directly if that is what they were intending or what exactly was the intent of the comment/Gif. Keep in mind that when most passive aggressive behaviors are called out, the individual will most likely be passive and try to play it off that it wasn't. If this was the case, I would then just be direct and tell them that I didn't like it and let's keep it professional when addressing each other.
I hope that helps. :)
I agree with you, however people that make passive agressive remarks just make me want to snap😢
It can definitely be challenging.
They want a reaction, you are correct.
@@soaringfamiliescounselingIt's beyond challenging. Challenging is such a tepid, meaningless term. I am trapped with someone like this and it has dismantled my sanity, my security and my soul. These people are the very worst because they destroy you so slowly, no one will ever try to stop it happening. My father is doing it to me right now. I clean houses for 12 hours a day even though I have a serious disability because it's the only way I'll get free of him before he ends me. It's been 15 years that I've been trapped with them, since my accident.
I grew up in a very assertive family. That are very direct with their aggression. If they don't like you, you will know.
I have more respect for people who are direct with their aggression, than those who try to smile in your face but loathe you.
Its two faced and cowardice.
I respect you a lot more if you tell me to my face how you feel.
Im in the era of my life where passive aggressive people are getting cut out of my life.
Or Ill pull an uno reverse and start being passive aggressive back. If you respond with hostility towards them, they can twist your reaction into portraying you as the aggressor.
A couple questions; 1.) Your ethnicity. And 2.) Your attachment styles. Because if they are what I think they might be - that will give me a better indication on what I can expect to be told from you. However that's really up to you if you feel comfortable doing so, but any sort of feedback would be much appreciated as someone like me who's curious and likes to learn about how different cultures handle certain situations.
My boss would always end on an "Okay..." under her breath every time I spoke. Like I was tiresome to listen to... Really irritating.
That is frustrating. I am sorry to hear.
My women manager is rolling her eyes.
Called new job for you...
That’s a really good question to ask when ppl are passive aggressive. Oftentimes they really are expressing their needs….but usually we think they just want to take a dig at others
My experience with responding to p/a comments with, "What are you trying to say? What is it you need?" is that I get more defensiveness from then, like I should already know, OR they gaslight and say they don't know what I'm talking about. It's exhausting. So I choose what relationships are really worth that amount of effort.
It's definitely a challenge and ultimately it's up to you and what is healthy for you and what you are willing to deal with. :)
People need to feel their emotions properly and own and process them. I think this video applys to people you actually care for or are doing therapy on, as for the rest they gotta focus hard on producing their own happiness like the rest of us.
what about when other guys try to establish their 'dominance' by being condescending and disrespectful in a very subtle way, it's not enough for me to get mad and create a reaction, at the same time, you dont want to look like a push over
Those are the cowards, the real people are the ones that are passive but assert their dominance aggressively only when necessary. Just say the line "dude stop being passive aggressive" and if they say something or don't say something you go "I can't be friends with you if you keep acting like the way you act"
Ive ran into tons of guys who were over protective of their girlfriends who would grab their waist in front of me when my mother was present and would literally make out with them in front of me and my mom showing me who's in charge etc. I've been there. Trust me. Stay away from guys like that. It's not worth it. They just want to show dominance etc. And who's the big shot in charge.
People have called me cruel but typically U am only like that when I have been provoked...other then that I have learned to keep to myself.
Can you do a video on the passive aggressive behaviors? Like silent treatment, ignoring you, leaving you on read, being short n dry w you, etc
I'll see what I can do. :)
Do they ever come back?
Does "Soaring Families" have to do everything? Have you done any research on pass/aggr behaviors, or read any books?" Or is asking questions easier.
@@warriormanmaxx8991you’re example #1. He happily commented and said he will see what he can do. 😂😂😂 Go find some joy.
My flatmate has been behaving that way.. sometimes i forgot to clean a spoon or a dish in the kitchen, he put them on my table, instead of telling me to clean or putting it in the dish-washer. Today I put a box folded next to the front door, so I can throw it out tomorrow morning, but it seems like it bothered him(because it was covering the door of storage room which we don’t use so often) - and when I came out from my room, i saw the box was set dirtily in the middle of the hallway..😥 Every time this happens, it really makes me feel displeasure. Few times I asked him directly what that kind of behavior means, but he even avoided to answer clearly.. I really don‘t know how to react to him. My idea right now is to ignore till he gets really desperate and tells me finally what he wants. And I’ll tell him that I’ve been waiting till he tells me clearly, so he would tell me directly next time(hopefully). But I’m afraid if he never tells me and just behaves even worse. Honestly I also want to know WHY he does like that.
+even funnier thing is that he is not a clean person at all. He never cleans so well by himself(I swear i clean the house much more often than him), but he only knows to complain in passive aggressive way…
That is a tough situation and does sound like passive aggressive behavior. They are not being direct in what is bothering them or what they need. I would recommend being direct about it and express your observations of it and ask what is concerning or bothering to them and what the ideal solution for them would be. EXE "I have noticed you did this when I had a dirty spoon or broken down box. It was my intention to clean it and throw it out and I'm sorry I didn't explain that or get to it in time. Was this bothering you because I noticed you placed it back in my area and I was intending to address it. Is there something else you would like me to do differently because I don't really like how it has gone in the past." I hope that helps and makes sense. :)
@@soaringfamiliescounseling thanks a lot!!
@@user-zxe1rzsq6r update on what happened?
When you ask about it directly, don't people usually think you may be getting aggressive yourself and might escalate to violence? Because not everybody will assume that you're being empathetic and wanting to help...
That is a great point and always a possibility for interpretation. That's where I would preface my intention of trying to help the other person ask clearly for what they want or need and having a healthy dialogue. If you just point out "You're being passive aggressive" typically the personality type with that type of behavior will either avoid or double down. That's where I would be very extra compassionate and empathic and express my intention is to understand and help them and express that I am not interpreting their needs in a healthy way. EXE: "I am trying to understand what you would like or want from me, but the way it's coming across isn't clear and is making me feel a certain way. Can you explain it better or help me to understand more directly." It's a softer way to approach the passive aggressive approach and call out the behavior. I hope that helps. :)
@@soaringfamiliescounseling The challenge: the person may have developed a snarky “style” of communication when frustrated, but have very low frustration tolerance due to low self esteem. The underlying “need” is a desire to have no responsibilities or for you (the identified “functional” partner) to bear all their responsibilities. How do you deal with that?
@@mhillaxeman Great question! I think it ultimately comes back to a discussion of boundaries and values that you would want in your relationship. I would express my perspective and discuss what I would want in that case. For example: "Partner A I feel this is going on and this is my interpretation. Can you clarify? I would like this response and behavior instead to improve our dynamics and have a healthy split of responsibility." This way you are setting a boundary and expressing your wants and needs to hopefully clarify the issues with your partner. I hope that helps. :)
It's a game tbph.
Right!...that advice inherently assumes you are working with rational thinkers...
however, these types are anything but and will usually respond with an even greater level of dysfunction and perhaps an elevated paranoia.
If they were capable of expressing their needs in a socially acceptable and functional way, they would be doing that in the first place. Your question is not going to miraculously 'flip that switch's to functional communication just because you asked it...that is a very idealistic and naive assumption that will not help.
I have a problem with someone sometimes making comments or jokes about me or laughing when I make a mistake kind of. Also getting kind of aggravated when I don’t understand what they mean. They’re very reactive and idk how to approach or be around people like that
Jess - I feel you , and its super gruesome for me . I usually try and ignore but sometimes it can be difficult .
Id rather deal with someone who is overtly aggressive rather than passive aggressive. At least you know where you stand with aggressive people. Passive aggressive people make me want to pull the hair out of my head.
Currently I have a commenter following my channel who is busily making attention-seeking and passive-aggressive jabs. As a small channel, I’m trying to build rapport and connections with my viewers, which makes it hard to be polite and nice when some kid is actively sabotaging it haha.
I probably should have asked them directly why they were doing it, that seems like a good idea. Thanks for outlining these behaviors and defining them so clearly!
Either that, or delete the comment. I bypass building rapport with people that aren't trying to build rapport with me. I focus on the commenters that bring positive energy with their comments.
@@lifespanwellnessbeauty-60i64 true, why waste time on someone who isn’t good for you anyway?
Thanks for the tip!
@@fantasycreed never negotiate with a passive aggressive troll. I have a different account on Twitter and I’m constantly invaded by passive aggressive people.
I hide their comments and if they come back, I block them there is no negotiation. They want people to see them dissing you.
@@lifespanwellnessbeauty-60i64💯💯💯💯✅✅✅✅
@@pinkchilldivestmentor interesting… it really sucks that they want to glean negative attention and arguments so badly.
Thanks for the tip! I appreciate it :D
Fascinating topic. The poking and escalating for no other reason than impugning someone else. It’s so weird, but sometimes going along with for a time helps to uncover… the truth is there’s a lot of good stuff and people in this world. Rising above isn’t always easy… I’m trying, juts like everyone is.
Same here 💯
I have a coworker who I told I did not want to speak to because of a nasty clip he text me. He currently finds many ways to make annoying noises in our lobby where we work. He then tries to start conversation which I avoid. Every Saturday I'm stuck with his cacophony of noises like tapping on everything like a child.
That is definitely frustrating. I would recommend checking out my setting boundaries video and would look and enforcing healthy boundaries between the two of you for added peace of mind. :)
@@soaringfamiliescounseling I will look thanks. I minimize interaction.
He probably is autistic
I have one relative of mine telling me - “ people around me think I am much better looking than you. They were surprised I am even related to you in some way. I am a nice person I don’t judge based on looks, however I want you to know what they are saying”.
“Your parents sent you to hostel for engineering? My parents were concerned that I will get into trouble due to my beauty, so they didnot send me to hostel. In your case your parents don’t have that fear thankfully”
These are just examples of a type of comparison. I get several such comparative statements about anything we can talk about in life. How do I respond? It gets more difficult when my son is around and hears such things coz he may end up getting it into his head or become insensitive himself. Your suggestions will surely help me handle such situations in future. I am not really sure this is passive aggressiveness or plain insensitivity.
A very close relative, but I don’t talk often coz these statements are hurtful. However can’t totally avoid talking aswell due to the family
Hi thank you for sharing.
That is a very tough situation and I would defiantly say that this is passive aggressive behavior and very inappropriate. I'm sorry to hear this is coming from a family member. I would suggest to establish very clear and healthy boundaries that these comments are not acceptable and shouldn't be said. If you feel comfortable enough or that it is warranted to express your feelings about the comments, that would be a good thing to add in to. I say it that way because you don't need to explain why it's inappropriate or why it's a boundary, but if you feel it's best for you, then I would add it in. For example "You can't talk to me like this because it is rude and inappropriate" Or "You can't talk to me like this because it hurts my feelings and makes me feel a certain way about myself in comparison to you and I don't feel it's appropriate." I hope this helps and good luck. :)
@@soaringfamiliescounseling thank you
Have they ever heard of ' psychosocial development ' ?
There have been many times in my life when I have been hanging out with a group of people, and one person says: "I love Gabby, even though a lot of people don't like her or find her hard to get along with, I still love her." So many times, I have been the recipient of hearing that while hanging out in a group of people. I was lucky to have a friend recently shut that down with: "Things we don't need to know for $5000." It's just hard for me to know how to respond without further making myself look vulnerable or weak.
I don't want to know who specifically does not like me. I am not trying to entertain negative energy or feed into the negative or passive aggressive energy in that moment. Should I pull them aside and respond with:
" Hey I love the first part of what you said and glad you feel that you love hanging out with me. As per the 2nd half of your statement, with all do respect, we all have haters and I am not interested in knowing who hates me. I probably am already aware of these people and not trying to change anyone's mind about me whose mind is already made up. If there is something that you specifically would like to see me change and want to discuss that, I am open to suggestions. I just prefer to not be reminded that I have group of haters that are known/unknown where I have no control over these peoples negative opinions of me either way."
I could say the above. Do you think that will shut down that person ever saying something like that again? I somehow always find that when I come up with the perfect line to respond with when receiving a passive aggressive comment, somehow the Universe congratulates me by never putting me in the situation again where I never even have the opportunity to use that perfectly constructed response. Its almost like the Universe does not want me to get the thrill of seeing the look on the persons face when I respond that way because it knows I will be successful in shutting it down. I just need the perfect shut down line if the one above is not what I should use.
I am always a fan of setting boundaries to what we do or do not want to hear or discuss. So I am on board with your example! :)
If I were to change anything, I would recommend addressing why it is being brought up in the first place by them. As mentioned in the video, addressing directly and questioning what their goal or intention is with making such a passive comment along with setting your boundaries would be ideal. EXE: "Hey I love the first part of what you said and glad you feel that you love hanging out with me. As per the 2nd half of your statement, with all do respect, we all have haters and I am not interested in knowing who hates me. Was there any particular reason you felt the need to bring that to my attention? Is there a concern from you related to this?"
With this added part you are directly addressing why they chose to make that comment, which I would assume there was no direct intention and would "take the wind out of their sail" as its said. I hope that helps. :)
You could say,
"Who gives a shi$ about who doesn't like me. As long as you love me, that's what matters, right friend? Because I'll always have your support, right?"
That might be a little too direct, and it might open the doors for you hear: "Geesh, calm down gabs."
So never mind.
Just ignore the shady comments.
Only focus on the positive.
It doesn't matter who doesn't like you Ms. Gabby. Maybe the person who made that comment was fishing for a reaction from you. A real friend wouldn't mention that. That person sounds more like an acquaintance than an actual friend.
As for me, I often ignore passive aggressive comments, 😔 but when it comes from my family like my mother, I tried to address it head-on without being offensive. Which is really hard to do with a narcissist.
Passive aggressive can also be something else for instance: coughing fake every 2 minutes, clearing throat when you see someone more rich than you, more skilled than you, better looking than you etc. That is a form of communication also. I know people who never get "better". My brother clear his throat just because everyone else does even he said doctor didn't find anything wrong. It's better to say "excuse me"
Yep . Good points .
We look after my mother in law and her favorite comment is 'you don't understand what its like being 88.' We do a lot for her and it always makes me feel really angry. I shall try your technique next time.
I hope it's helpful for you. :)
That may be , in the sense you are not 88 yet, however, she made her choices her whole life and chose not to heal herself in order to behave like a healthy 88 yr old. Old people are the worst, thinking they get a free pass having made their beds their whole lives and now kids are supposed to just let them get away with bad behaviour? Noooo, I have told my mother directly, how do you imagine us having to take care of you possibly one day, you somt consider it
That's exactly the way my husband (soon to be ex) reacted. I would ask, what's going on, are you alright? He would say, what he thought would be the right answer, but it was exactly the opposite of that. He only told me a few things, that bothered him, and never actually said, that he wanted a divorce. He was mean, and gave the cold shoulder, and all that he said, was "I'm sorry". I tried everything to work things out, he had made up his mind, to end the marriage, without ever saying that. I guess he thought that if he didn't actually say, "I don't want to be married to you, that it would somehow be less hurtful and it was the exact opposite. It hurt me so much more, because he didn't have the balls to be truthful with me, and I have accepted the fact, that I will never have that honest conversation with him. What a small little man he is.
Such a coward. I'm sorry he wasn't stronger for you.
Damn .... that's rough .
How do you deal with people who are purposely “forgetful” toward you? It’s so frustrating. Is there anything to do in those types of situations?
I would recommend just addressing it directly and expressing how it makes you feel. Express your concerns and requests of what you want and need with prioritizing "remembering" what you are asking them to do or their commitments. I hope that answers what you were asking for. :)
They’ll either deny it or it may feel like a good heart to heart and then go right back to what they do
tell them to piss off and find better people to be around with
this 100% most people that are trying to be forgetful about you are doing it to get a reaction. It is narcissistic at its core and the best thing to do is to start distancing yourself from that person since they do not care about your emotional well-being anyway.@@mitchparizanski471
I'd say ignore them .
Your video helped me a lot! In regards to your advice how would you apply it to an in-law? My FIL is very passive aggressive with my husband and I and has no problem doing it in front of our kids. My husband has no problem calling him out on it but then the situation of addressing a hurtful comment escalates where everyone’s time is ruined and my husband gets blamed. I’m understanding that there may be times where I need to step in to try to diffuse for my husbands and kids sake. My question is when is it appropriate to stand up to the passive aggressiveness being the DIL? My fil is def playing games and as a result my husband becomes the pariah of the family just for calling his dad out on his bs
Thank you, this is really good! 😊👍👍I'm currently in such a tough situation with my mother in law who mostly communicates in a passive aggressive way. I honestly think there's time she does want to ask for help with something but I don't even catch it because she is being so passive aggressive. Thank you for this helpful tip that shows compassion and helps communicate with a question. 😊
Thank you! I am glad it was helpful for you. :)
We're all human, at least I think so .
They have a tendency to throw insults in a in direct way, through story telling are phrases.
I am desperately trying to get distance from my neighbor who is storming around full of herself while she doesn't ever make eye contact with me, but is always watching and disapproving of me. Her goal is to control me, make my dog imprisoned in a stupid fence I was bullied into paying her $885 for, but don't use because my dog is very well behaved. She really wants me to move out but I have 10 more months on my lease and I'm paid in full-- otherwise I'm starting to think I would like to. She actually looks into my cabin and saw me coming out of the bathroom again today. 😡 We're both complaining to the landlord but never talking it out. I'm the new kid here and she's got the owners thinking she's a good person when she's got the characteristics of the narcissist. I tend to attract them as an empath.
I'm very sorry to hear about this challenging situation. It can be very frustrating and overwhelming with a sensitive scenario like this. Have you tried to address the conflict or misunderstandings directly with them and how do they respond if so?
@@soaringfamiliescounseling ♥️thanks for your reply and concern.
I haven't tried talking with her because she is a raging storm I don't want to go near.
But I'm in the process of writing to her today in language of Nonviolent Communication stating my feelings and needs-- which I know she doesn't care about, so Im not expecting a lot.
But I will be handing it to her boyfriend who is a nice person (but is enabling her by always supporting her) and also a copy to the landlord (homeowner won't communicate with me) so that there's proof I am waving a white flag.
Also instead of imprisoning my dog I am seriously finding other places to spend my time.
I just have to be careful about not giving her the impression she has "won" and has power over me. Narcissists are tricky
@@lucid_747 It sounds like you are trying to handle this situation in the least confrontational way possible and I commend that practice. It's definitely not the easiest approach. I wish you the best of luck! :)
@@soaringfamiliescounseling thanks for your supportive encouragement! I checked in with myself over the weekend and took notes about everything i could think of, and organized most of it into a letter. I made sure my tone was not fearful, but confident. It turned out well. I repeated everywhere that I want peace peace peace with them. Narcissists have power by keeping their bad behavior a secret-- so I texted it to both her and her boyfriend last night (I wonder how surprised he is at how she's been treating me) and to the landlord🙏🏼 Hopefully this is the end of the trouble🙏🏼
@@lucid_747 Good luck! :)
How do you handle an instructor who calls any attempts at stating your own needs as a student, hostility, responds to any attempts to clarify and deescalate with passive aggressive comments and more accusations of you being hostile. It doesn't matter the tone or approach used anything we bring up is taken as a personal attack and when the instructor inevitably doesn't get the emotional reaction, they leave the class to go tell their boss that the student(s) in question are being hostile. I am genuinely concerned about potential retaliation, the instructor made it very clear they were keeping track of the students they considered "hostile" and this is a class of adults who paid to be there.
I'm sorry to hear as that sounds like a very tricky and frustrating situation. As there is a power dynamic there, I would recommend to document as much as possible in writing to get clarification of the misinterpretation and expressing your intentions to hopeful clear any misunderstanding on the instructors part. There is always the potential for misinterpretation in any form of communication and the best we can do as the speaker is express our intention to hopefully clear the misunderstanding. I have a video on this that I would recommend watching here: ruclips.net/video/FbBIZvLfFNo/видео.htmlsi=BDSCoL3zc4uG2f0d
Hope that helps. :)
I learned these ppl don't want understanding they make those comments to take frustration out on you p.a ppl are cowards that won't stand up to a threat but they will pick at ppl thats good to them i just distanced myself from them im tired getting exited in a bad way from them I'm a reactor so to avoid coming to blows i stay away
I was hoping to hear what to do when people communicate disdain etc through silence and avoidance. Not asking for what one needs directly is passive certainly, but how does that get categorized as aggression. Anyway, it's appreciated that you indicate to be frank and ask people for what they want. This goes way back to decades when we all had sensitivity training. Being direct is good. What about when people won't communicate at all yet they hold power, e.g. higher authorities in an institutional setting.
Great question! I will be doing a future video on this more in depth topic as it is definitely a different level of passive aggressive behavior. There are definitely more layers when someone holds a position of power and not communicating at all. I would still recommend the same practices of calling attention to the behavior and addressing what you would want from them. EXE: "Boss I feel there is no communication and I want more engagement related to my position so I can perform to the standards. I feel there is a lack of communication here and I don't know why or what is going on. Is there something that can be changed on my end or that you need, etc." This way you are calling out the behavior that you are interpreting and hopefully getting a dialogue started. I hope that helps. :)
It's always something to consider and think about.
Soo helpful 🙌🏼
If I ask my husband why he does this, or would you please tie the full garbage bag ' which is pulling the full garbage bag out, and not tying it' and putting it in the trash bin outside ...his response is mostly , " then I won't change the garbage " 🤦♀️....anything I ask him to do, or not do, that's the kind of response I get or I'm mocking him, which Im not..he takes most of what I say or ask him as a dig, or an insult ...I'm to the point of walking on egg shells...he grew up with being scared of his dad, who never showed him love, let him be heard...I tell him he wasn't responsible for that, but he is responsible for wanting to get through what happened. ...he's 68, I'm 51..married 23 years..I am a lost wife who shouldn't be afraid to ask her husband a question, or ask him to do something different, which isn't often
That is probably a helpless - and deep feeling for you at the same time . A bit unnerving I would imagine .
I’m currently dealing with this it’s so hard not to get upset. I ask my partner what’s wrong and they lie and say nothing , but they do little slick stuff to make me pay for them being upset , when I explain myself they say they won’t do it again then next time around it happens again. I’m exhausted and ready to give up. That bad feels sometimes like it out ways the good I don’t feel appreciated either. I think I’m going to move on I don’t want to have a partner like this anymore things haven’t changed and I don’t deserve this
By the way i think I’ve made it worst because I’ve gotten upset about it in the past. I believe I’m part to blame now I don’t know how to fix it and giving up seems like the best option
I'm sorry to hear about these challenges and this behavior can be very frustrating. I would recommend expressing your wants and needs along with your frustrations and setting clear boundaries based on your values and needs in a relationship to help improve it and decrease passive aggressive and unhealthy dynamics.
Try asking a passive man "what do you mean by that comment?" And you will get "nothing, it was a joke". They already have avoidance behavior. (Hence, the passive aggressive mindset) Then it will be your fault.
I know that a lot of passive aggressive behavior comes from narcissists. And do a narcissist just enjoys the drama and chaos and putting others down. So even though calling it to attention might make them look bad, it probably won’t fix the situation or change the way they communicate
This can be a possibility and ultimately the redirecting or "calling out behavior" is more for your own self-advocacy versus trying to change another person. That way we feel empowered to set our own boundaries, advocate for ourself, and set consequences or make decisions related to that relationship knowing or feeling confident we did our own part. Hope that helps. :)
Good luck "caring" for the needs of a passive aggressive and not becoming a codependent.
Absolutely spot on.
Haha yes
i only recently learned passive aggressive is a full on personality disorder in the DSM. talking to my ex was like pulling teeth! just say it ffs
Well, I am currently in a group exam with someone who everytime I repeat something in order to either clarify or is relevant to the info I am about to add in the next sentence, will express with really bad attitude “we just said that” before I am even done. She didn’t even say anything else to me during any of our periods, and before we used to get along fine but after we started working in groups together it’s become harder to do anything together. Usually I would distance myself from these people, but it’s not possible in this situation. I get anxious to participate yet I want to be involved because I don’t want to give the rest of the people on the group a reason to dislike me or a bad impression of me, but I am getting so frustrated I don’t know how to participate without being met with attitude from one of the 4. The others and I get along pretty good (absolutely not besties but comfortable). I don’t complain around them, but I know other in our class have also had problems working together with her in groups (one of people in class that in a part of her trio) said so to me when we both worked on a similar project with her.
I don’t know what she wants or is trying to get from commenting like that, except for trying to put my ideas down or just plainly being rude. On some days every time I participate with something I am met with scoffing or her immediately saying “why like that can’t we just.. (her idea)” and if I try to explain she often talks over or insists on her idea.
So right know I definitely feel isolated on the group because I don’t know what to do except stand of to the side and just nod without a word.
I have a question regarding passive aggressive behavior from roommates!
Sure! What's the question? :)
This girl who I thought was my friend would often say things like “wow, you’re so strong to be able to deal with all the crap you have gone through In your life, I could never be as strong as you, if I had to deal with all that I would just kill myself, that would just be so awful, omg what a nightmare” and go on and on and on. I could be telling her about a car problem I was having and she would just blow it up and continuously ask me about it. If there was anything that was affecting my life in the slightest negative way she would continue to ask about it, I feel like she was almost giddy about it. So of course, when something good would happen or things would work out in a positive way, she would ignore what I would say or quickly change the subject and never ask about it again. She was never my friend and I’ll never understand why she treated me this way. She is an alcoholic/drug addict and I always tried to be supportive of her and be understanding but I gave up. I’m glad I moved on, my only regret is not doing it sooner. ✌🏻
I am sorry to hear about that. That is rough but I am glad you advocated for yourself and set healthy boundaries. :)
That's a deep story . Props to you for setting boundaries - and better late than never .
My baby mama u a say I scratched my. Arm now it’s omg u should go to therapy for that a whole fuckin weirdo
REALLY helpful video. Thank you!
Great I am glad! :)
Very interesting! I wonder what you do, if when you are direct with a person and ask them what they are wanting or needing, if the answer is, nothing! I'm fine! This is what I am getting.
I just did a follow up video that addresses this very concept. If you are "confronting" someone that is being passive aggressive, their usual reaction will be passive and avoidant, which would be denial and claiming that they don't need anything or brush off the question. I hope that makes sense. Check out the latest video for more information and examples on this. :) ruclips.net/video/Cvg9eM697x4/видео.htmlsi=wbquMYLRIxwsQMr7
Wow, very interesting advice! I'm totally gonna give this a try!
Im sorry, I don't care. I don't deserve funky behavior. Its annoying behavior.
When it is obvious that we like each other and when we had a flight he said 'if you dont like me, that is fine'. Is that passive aggressive?
It's hard to say without knowing the full context, but I would say if you were second guessing the intention of the comment, it's probably a good guess that it is passive intention. I would still use the exercise of asking directly what the intention of the comment was. That way it clarifies it and you can have a direct resolution with it. I hope that helps. :)
I had a member of staff say to another person as a ‘joke’ to slap me . Is this passive aggressive? I pulled her up in a polite way and she ignored me about it but apologies ?
I'm not sure if it would be passive aggressive, but I feel you handled it in an appropriate way by addressing it. Even if it's a "joke" if you find it inappropriate, it is best to address it directly as you did. :)
I am a hospital housekeeper. We take our load of trash downstairs to dispose of. My co-worker spread her laundry carts and trash cart across the hall - blocking the hall. She said to me, "This hall isn't wide enough" when I arrived with my cart. Is this passive-aggressive? Another time, I rode in the elevator with her when she was taking her trash cart downstairs. A bag was falling off, so I rearranged it on the cart. She said, "It's fine. IT'S FINE! The next night she aggressively took some broken-down boxes out of my hands as I was gathering them up. !!!! Obviously she has control issues.
Recently, after my husband & I took my mother for her med pick up, milk & coffee; she got out of the car and snarkily said, "Sorry for taking up your time!" As she exited our car. I said mom, what do you mean? She wouldnt answer. (She has a history of mental instability and not speaking to her own mother for most of her own life, up til she passed.) We've been helping her for years because we live the closest to her. I no longer drive because of my psoriatic spondylitis, so my husband has been shouldering most of my elderly mother's chores. Now what?? She uses shunning as her go to tool & expects others to overlook her bad behavior. She is 94, so I fear she will pass leaving a trail of regrets.
When your PA person is goofing you uo by being late it becomes necessary to be a manipulator yourself to keep them from messing things up. You have to say, "We need to get to the funeral home at 12:00 because we have a lot of stuff to arrange." even though the funeral is at 2:00. Then they will be there in time. Not fun, but you gotta do it.
Circumstances like this definitely arise and a part of how to handle it is just knowing what "fixes" work. In your case giving an extra few hour time buffer seems to do the trick. :)
This was a very informative and good video. Thank you. the thing about asking them to clarify themselves is something I haven't been doing, just jumping straight to anger about what I think they're talking about
I have a friend he and his girlfriend will have a discussion and sometimes he will try to address certain things that he migbt want or need or things he might want to improve like she might not be affectionate or show her love towards him. She ignores what he says and does not listen as good as he thinks she could or that she is constantly on social media watching tv shows shopping on Facebook marketplaces and has her ear phones in and drowns the whole world out the majority of the time she is also on live streaming for hours having strange men ogiling her and commenting dirty things and if he addresses this and tries to say i dont like certain things you do she says why are you with me then? Whats all that about?
I mean thats all she has to say? It does t seem like shes very caring or puts in much effort to want to make stuff work if thats her attitude. She also sometimes ignores his calls.
That sounds like some unhealthy dynamics and could use some clear healthy boundaries based on your friends wants and needs. I have some videos on my channel talking about boundary setting and identifying core values in relationships that may be helpful for them. :)
What do you do if they are clearly being passive aggressive but when you confront them or ask for their needs they deny being passive aggressive and pretend like they are perfectly fine when they are clearly not. I see it a form of gaslighting almost.
Great question, as this is a very likely case and response. They may try to deny it with being "called out" for their behavior. The key is setting your own boundaries with the comments and what you do not like or what you would like to receive. From there you can then ask clearly for what you want and need from them related to their comment. EXE: Someone makes a passive aggressive comment about something I'm doing or what they want something from me. "Oh it would be nice if I was invited to lunch." I can then address that their comment is passive aggressive and if they deny it I would then say, either way I didn't appreciate the comment. "If you would like to go to lunch with me, please let me know directly versus making comments or jokes about it." This is a straight forward request and boundary on my side to potentially stop the passive aggressive responses. Now they can still deny it and most likely try to scapegoat it, but at least it was clear on my end and they now know how to address that topic with me. I hope that helps. :)
@@soaringfamiliescounseling
Thanks for taking the time to respond! It makes sense. Your example of addressing passive-aggressive comments directly and assertively sounds like such a simple and straigh-forward solution and yet, is still something many people struggle to achieve.
But suppose it is not a want or need, but that person just is plain hostile as they do not like you?
In that case it sounds like it is just a toxic relationship that you don't have to entertain or be involved in and I would suggest maintaining strong healthy boundaries with a person that is behaving like that. Take a look at my boundary setting videos and that may be helpful for you. :)
i have an extended family member whom is EXTREMELY PICKY and uses excuses for everything.
"I dont want to eat those mashed potatoes because you used coarse pepper. I like fine ground pepper."
"i dont want to eat those beans because i like beans with bacon or with lard."
How do i prevent MYSELF from becoming passive aggressive?! I stay quiet because i do not want to be a "smart ass" or be passive aggressive. Or pretty much my answer to everything is "to each it's own" or "that's okay everyone's different." Doesn't make for an exciting conversation.
It is difficult to have a conversation with constant negativity that i do not want to comment on in order to not start argument.
Let's say i comment back with something clinically proven-- the response i get from this person is ALMOST passive aggressive (as if they catch theirself about to blow) with a lot of hard blinking and scrunching of the eyebrows as well as a semi-calm voice...almost in defense if i am correct. I guess this person does not like to be wrong no matter what?!! me:"The sky looks red-orange!" person:"No, the sky is pink-blue." me:"yea, i can see pink-blue but over there it is red-orange." person:"Ummm, no that's pink-blue." me:"Oh, okay."
what's with that!!??
Hard to discuss in a comment, but just commenting! lol 8}
This is a great question and great insight of wanting to prevent ourselves from responding passive aggressively. It's hard when we interact with people and are struggling with the choice of "staying quiet to keep the peace" or interjecting our thoughts and feelings about it. When we take the approach of "holding things in" this can lead to resentment in the relationship.
What I would recommend based on this type of situation and the concepts of passive aggressive behavior is to be clear and direct about how you feel about the situation and ask for what you want directly.
EXE: "I'd really like to focus on more of the positive versus the negative when we talk." Then you can give examples of how you want to communicate with that family member versus trying to avoid negative comments or building resentment.
Hope that helps. :)
Thank you, I appreciate your format. 💪🏻
Thank you! :)
I always get very angry and react fast, even i do think that because of my awful i don't have any friend. so how to control this and how to stop over thinking.
I would recommend looking at some of the videos I have on mindfulness. That will be a good place to start to help be in the present moment and decease some reaction time to manage anger.
Good skills to have, observe so we can address things.
Some people be testing my moral and my belief in God I have to be honest it gets hard trying to be righteous and pure when people wanna be hard
This can be a challenging when others are "testing" or pushing on your beliefs and values. This is where healthy and strong boundaries of not entertaining the topic at all may come in handy. EXE: "We may have different beliefs and values and that is fine. For the sake of our common interest relationship in everything else, I would like us to no longer talk about my beliefs in God." Then you can set the boundary along with the corresponding consequences if this boundary is infringed on. Hope that helps. :)
OK, so I have a very passive aggressive partner. I have done what you suggest for years. My response is almost always "nothing is wrong" or "I don't need anything from you". I try to guide the person into expressing why that passive aggressive attitude was how she communicated which ends in stonewalling, ignoring or a full blown argument which goes nowhere. I really have no idea where to go at that stage, and usually just say that she is right and I'm wrong just to get her to settle down. I know this is the wrong approach I'm taking but I really have no other idea how to deal with it. Any advice would be very helpful! Thanks and Love from Dublin Ireland 🇮🇪
Thank you for your comment. That can definitely be frustrating. I just released a second video that goes more in depth with how to respond to these types of behaviors and reactions. Ultimately I talk about passive aggressive individuals doubling down with their passive aggressive behaviors when being called out and not being willing or ready to accept/acknowledge their behaviors. We ultimately have to set a boundary that we didn't appreciate and won't tolerate that type of response or behavior they are admitting their behavior or not. So in your case, I would simply say, "This behavior was not appropriate and I don't want you to do x, y, or z anymore.". I hope that helps. :)
For more on this, please check out my latest video here: ruclips.net/video/Cvg9eM697x4/видео.html
Dialogue, “you want to tag team me on getting these kids to sleep?”
Response, “oh yeah like we tagged teamed on getting bub bathed?”
Passive aggression even if they tried to play it off as being funny?
That would be an example of passive aggressive comment and they are usually deflected with "I was just joking". In that case I would use the exercise I spoke about in the video and address how it was coming across and ask directly for what they want and need. Without context I am just assuming here but I would assume that the individual wants more help with the kids. Maybe they felt they have asked before or are struggling with asking for some reason and that is what I would discuss directly. If my wife were to say that comment, my response would be "Wife are you asking me for help with the kids because this isn't a healthy way to. Please be direct and tell me what you are looking for or ask me what's going on so I can explain what happened during bath time." Now that will open up a healthy discussion for her to express that she needs more help, had a frustrating day with the kids, felt that I wasn't being involved, maybe thought I was lagging on my parental duties, etc. Without addressing the comment and behavior though, we can't open up that dialogue to get to the root of the issue and get our wants and needs met. I hope that helps.
I'm with a group of about 15 to 20 people and we 3-4 times a week. I have not celebrated Thanksgiving for 5 years now and so when I was the only one who wasnt going there has been a passive aggressive attitude for weeks before, the day of and for a week after from the main key people. I know that this whole situation is going to happen all over again for Christmas.
I'm sorry to heat that, that is frustrating. Are you thinking of bringing this up in the group and addressing it directly to find a resolution or possibly setting boundaries related to it?
I've already talked to a third of the people at every level weeks before the holiday. So when another comment happened yesterday I talked to someone who agreed with my reasoning wholeheartedly last week but since the event completely is fighting against me too. Growing up I was always very shy because I lived in a extremely violent home but ever since I got my voice I always say what I mean, and I mean what I say, so when I am expected to go along with everyone when I don't want to, I won't. They hate the fact that they can't manipulate me through guilt. The next time we get together on Wednesday I am going to confront the main leader.
How did this go?
What they want or need is usually not my problem. I will deal directly with the rudeness rather than trying to analyze them. The passive aggressive person won't have the insight into their behavior or they will, but think 1. Others don't see it, or 2. They don't care. Either way, the behavior is unacceptable. I will speak up and ask them what their problem is or tell them they're being rude without asking why.
I would like to have some tools to use when ever my 88 year old roommate says passive aggressive comments, under her breath, with out me getting angry. Each time she does this I find myself welling up in anger. I have to ask myself why she triggers something in me with her P/A behaviors. 5:18
It is definitely challenging behavior and can be very frustrating. I would recommend addressing the comments directly and asking about them to see what it is she is wanting or needing and hopefully that opens some dialogue. :)
Wow
Fifty-year-old man wake me up out of a dead sleep cussing and making threats
This isn't really passive aggressive behavior as it is more directly aggressive and conflicting behavior that needs to be addressed differently with clear boundaries and more advanced interventions. You can start with setting clear boundaries and calling out the behavior that you don't like and hopefully gain some resolution there.
I have absolutely no idea what any of this means
Great video! This sort of approach seems to be a good way with dealing with this type of situation with a peer or loved one.
I have a follow up question though! In my current situation, my boss at work (highest level in my department whereas I'm at the lowest position), is very passive agressive and dismissive to not only myself but everyone under her in our department. She is respectful to the other department leads at her level. My needs at work are currently not being met (very overworked and taking on responsibility past my job title) and she is constantly dismissive if I try to express them. How do I navigate her passive aggressive and dismissive behavior with this large power imbalance?
Great question and defiantly a stressful situation when we have a power imbalance like this. I would recommend being clear with expressing your intentions related to the work environment and asking clearly for your wants and needs related to fulfilling your role as well as expressing your limits and boundaries. Asking for clarification on their intention can also be helpful with asking why, how, or what they want from you related to your role. This way you are respecting the "power differential" and roles and asking for your own wants and needs as well as setting healthy boundaries. I hope that helps. :)
@@soaringfamiliescounseling Thanks for the advice! Yes, I'll try to advocate for myself by communicating directly and set better boundaries
Question: Can the way you been brought up as a child can affect you to be passive aggressive?
Info: I was brought up in a household where peace is our main factor; however once in a while when a family member of mine from either side has made a comment or display an action that's offensive to me. I was brought up to not say anything because my parents and everyone else wants to keep the peace and not deal with the "drama" that's happening. I get so mad that I start to cry to my parents and I take my anger out on them because they either don't defend me or give me the green light to be assertive with this family member. Now as an adult I have such a difficult time being open to things that bother me cause I had gotten so use to being quiet about it cause I was the annoying and dumb one that causes trouble. I don't want to people please anymore and it's creating a lot of conflict around my family that we don't talk anymore.
Hello,
Great question! The answer would be yes in this circumstance and I believe in most cases it is. This type of behavior and personality is a learned behavior. Granted some people are less confrontational and more passive by nature, but the "passive aggressive" behavior is a learned behavior. In a circumstance like yours I would reflect on what your desired behavior would be and what outcome you want to help guide your ideal behavior and reactions. Ultimately you can't control others behaviors and responses if they chose to be passive or "ignore the drama", but you can handle it the way you feel is best for your own mental health. I hope that helps :)
Wow that's deep man .
And I thought I had it bad .
No matter though, just do whatever you feel is best - but don't be reckless and be self forgiving, and try to be kind to yourself.
today i got called passive aggressive, and this is not clear after seeing the video... there hould be another counter word for those who diagnose passive aggressive for free...
funny because i am transparent and i don't mind speaking out the problems but when nothing is wrong and i get called that i get condused
It is possible someone incorrectly used the label and title wrong. Without knowing the full context of the conversation it is hard for me to advise. If you are being open, direct, and communicating your concerns though, it is safe to say that is not passive communication. :)
There is a guy that I hang out often with and he is very passive aggressive. Idk how to deal with him because I don’t want to talk to him but he comes to me all the time. I really don’t want to talk to him so I sometimes distance myself but I just don’t know how to deal with him. He also compares himself with others and look down on people and I am in a tough situation. I am also scared of confronting him face to face. Can someone give me tips or helpful advices what to do?
That is a hard situation. If you are not interested in having that relationship would setting clear boundaries of what you are not interested in and what you are willing to accept be an option?
@@soaringfamiliescounseling the problem is that he is around those people I like hanging out with and he kinda sets a barrier which makes it hard to hang around people
My passive-aggressive behavior comes from teens that I work with in my private home. They come with a therapist but refuse therapy. I have a therapist to help me but I don’t feel like I’m getting any where since the teen is not willing to do family therapy. I’m thinking of quitting until therapy is mandated by law..is that unrealistic to expect?
That's a tough question for me to answer without knowing all the elements, but my recommendation would be stick with therapy if it helps you. When I see individuals in therapy that are having difficulties with others I typically set the expectation that our therapy or treatment can't change anyone else but allows us the skills to better cope with others behavior. So even if your own therapy doesn't help the teens directly or if they're not involved it can still be beneficial for you. :)
How can you tell if a family member is passive aggressive due to not knowing how to communicate or is a covert narcissist?
Great question. I would say narcissistic behavior would present differently than passive aggressive behavior. Typically narcissistic behavior would be direct and self-serving per the definition of the personality disorder. Both can still have trouble with communicating but the intentionality would be different between a passive individual and narcissistic individual. I hope that helps. :)
So I have this neighbor guy a middle aged creature who has constantly doing bad passive talk whenever myself and my mom pass him. We don't talk to each other after a clash . It's been two years since. But recently he has been coming behind us. He would use deregatary words towards his wife or through phone whenever we pass. We are currently not in a state to shift our house so we are pushed to put up with this crap. It's very frustrating. We hard come out but when we are , he starts. Such a shitty creature.
Seeing things happening this easy makes me feel like there is no karma or God but just the evil alone has been triumphing. We act as if we don't give ears to him. But deep inside we are gravely hurted and they knew it very well. The beauty is his wife to supports his behaviors and actually act as a catalyst in his disgusting passive talk.
3:00 Game changer! thanks a bunch of bunches!
If you say when someone is passive aggressive because of "needs", then I would say it's from need to be a jerk. To me, it feels like the person has a deep resentment and insecurity and they can't communicate unless its with a heavy dose of snark and underhanded comments. I don't like it and I tell that person right away I don't play those games. When you call them out on it, they usually resort to the "I'm just joking" defense.
Usually those are signs of alpha 'male especially' wannabes.
If a friend knows person A has cancer and cannot/should not drink alcohol and asks about having mock tails instead and that friend responds with ‘well, why would you want to do that!?’ Is that snarky, passive aggressive or rude?
It's hard to say without knowing all relationship dynamics and context. If the relationships dynamics call for it, it can totally be a harmless joke between friends. It can also be rude depending on the context and scenario. Ultimately if someone is upset or offended by it, it is best to address it as so and express how it was interpreted. EXE: "That comment rubbed me the wrong way and I want to understand how you meant it because it seemed a bit rude and hurtful." Then you can open up a discussion about it and identify how it was really meant. I hope that helps. :)
@@soaringfamiliescounseling thank you
So I'm having the hardest time understanding what's passive aggressive. I'm very open and talk about my needs but my partner always says I'm being passive aggressive. Maybe it's the way I explain my needs. But I'm struggling. Because he does the same thing as me but it's not passive aggressive. Or at least I think it's the same. I think maybe I'm a little slow or something because I just can't understand this and it's our biggest problem we are dealing with.
Hello, I am sorry to hear about these conflicts with you and your partner. A quick breakdown on identifying what passive aggressive behavior is, is identifying if someone is expressing negative feelings or perspectives in a passive way. If you are being direct with your feelings and asking for your wants and needs then I would say that you are not being or behaving in a passive aggressive way. It could be direct and aggressive but that would be a different situation if we are being rude in anyway as we are expressing our feelings. It is totally possible that he may be mislabeling your behavior and doesn't know how to react or respond. My recommendation would be to ask him directly what he thinks you are saying or how he is interpreting what you are saying to maybe clear it up a bit. Sometimes people mislabel the behavior with either not fully understanding it, misinterpreting the persons expression, or potentially gaslighting and projecting some issues they are having and trying to shut down the speaker by calling their behavior passive aggressive when that person that is mislabeling it is behaving passive aggressive. I hope that helps. :)
he wants you to be more supportive of his goals, not to embaress or fight with him in public /around his friends, and to overall be more submissive and supporting. Let him be the leader.
If you got an issue with what he said or did then talk to him about it in private, without yelling or insults.
*Most men aren't looking for partners/boss babes, we are looking for girlfriends that not only make us feel good about ourselves but make us look good in public as well.
He doesn't want to be challenged all the time by you, he gets that enough from other men.
@@BoleDaPole my boyfriend says you have a small penis and have no idea what you're talking about. Also I don't do any of those things lol
What about someone who doesn’t necessarily give offhand comments but simply withdraws and denies their feelings is that passive aggressive behaviour or is there another term for it
Great question! I would say that is more classified by passive or avoidant behavior. With that type of behavior I would still recommend the steps of being direct with what you want and asking them for their wants and needs, while addressing the observed behavior. Hope that helps. :)
@@soaringfamiliescounseling thanks this helps so much
And how about when you asked them but they still remain silent and refuse to give you an answer ?
That's a tough one and all I can really recommend is sticking to your own boundaries and values at that point. If you did everything you can with addressing undesirable behavior all you can do is set your boundaries and behave according to your values and what "feels right" to you. I hope that helps. :)
that would also be my question: I have the same issue: it is mission impossible to pull out the truth out of my boyfriend. His weapon of choice are sarcastic jokes and denial that there is something deeper behind them. I love him, he s very sweet, but such behaviour is exhausting, he wakes up evil in me.
I'm not sure I want to give a power-hungry, manipulative, vengeful person what they want. Especially when their behavior includes harassment and sabotage...what then? Meer acquaintances in self-appointed positions of "authority" (which were meant to be voluntary positions of service) don't deserve to be coddled little dictators who act out over misconceptions of "defiance" when their meaning and actions are questioned over genuine confusion. When there is no way to avoid such a person, what then?
This behavior does sound aggressive and not the same as passive aggressive behavior as described in this video. This would be more direct conflict and would require different reactions and skills. You can of course try this method as a first line and hopefully resolves directly with the behavior being called out, but with more aggressive typed personalities as you are describing, it would require much more advanced and direct responses to deescalate. I will be doing a video in the future on how to set boundaries and how to avoid conflict like this.
Thanks.
Doesn't that just escalate the passive aggressive into direct conflict?
Plus what about difficult people. E.g. a passive aggressive person who answers questions with questions to evade and delay. So basically I end up avoiding these people as too difficult but that is not a good solution either.
Thank you
Great question. There is of course always the possibility for things to become escalated, but with the method addressed in the video we are merely asking them what they want directly. Which should hopefully deescalate any direct conflict and allow them space to express their wants and needs.
When it comes to the other scenarios of being "too difficult", I believe the same approach could work to deescalate the scenario and allow them the space to address what they want. Typically this behavior is learned from either needing to escalate to be heard or validated or being passive to get a desired response. All this approach does is streamline it and puts it back on the person that is displaying this behavior to address their wants and needs directly. Ultimately it is up to them to decide if they want that space or not. I hope that helps. :)
@@soaringfamiliescounseling thanks. Really appreciate it.
Seems better to avoid or ignore? I put these people on too toxic or too time consuming.
For instance, is the issue with us not liking the passive aggressive swipe at our ego? They are often wrong but we can't change who they are.
@@fairvalueaustralia4881 The behavior can be challenging to work with and can be frustrating. It is ultimately up to you on how much you want to "deal with it". Everyone has their own boundaries and limits. For me personally if I am dealing with such behavior I address it the way I outlined in the video and if it continues past my comfort level I will express that I am not interested in continuing unless that person is going to speak directly without conflict versus the passive aggressive behavior. That way I am giving the space, time, and "way out" (exercises) so to speak as well as my healthy boundaries per my own mental health and limits.
@@soaringfamiliescounseling yes thanks. I found this video as I have passive aggressive colleagues eg. Interaction.
Me. Is the report finished please?
Her: yes (cc boss)
Me. (Grrr) may I have it please.
Her: its on the website.
Me (so are millions of files). Can you send me the link so i have the exact report.
Her: link. Plus says cc boss that it is with all the others and I did not need the link.
Got the report (which is wrong but that is another problem) but am drained and frustrated from the interaction.
Tips welcome please.
@@fairvalueaustralia4881 That is definitely a frustrating situation. I would recommend addressing the behavior directly with that co-worker and expressing your direct desires with them. EXE: "Co-worker, when we have an interaction can you please address my request directly versus the passive route of redirecting me." Then you can give the example that you just provided and say "in this scenario please just sent me the report directly." You can also ask why this was the route they chose to take and use the exercises in the video again. It is up to you if you would want to be direct with the example I gave or entertain a conversation about her behavior. The two different approaches goes into a far greater concept related to the goal of the conversation. Are you A) just trying to get your work flow better (objective oriented) or B) trying to build a healthier relationship with this co-worker (Interpersonal relationship oriented). I will be doing a video on these concepts at a later time as this is a much more complex concept. :)
My partner use to tell me am toxic and aggressive please kindly help me. How to deal with it and to make relationship feels better
Hello your absolutely amazing! I would like to chat kindly!! Thanks so much! Godbless.
I appreciate the kind words! :) If you would like to get in contact, all of my contact information is linked in my profile and website. :)
My husband is dealing with drugs addiction, he has been clean and free for years . But he has been under treatment of one medication which is itself causing addiction. However he decided to become free and stop taking this medication and this is the second day. He became very very agressive and i just don’t know how to deal with this situation. Please advise
I am sorry to hear about this. I would advise to consult together with his treatment team for more accurate and safe results for his specific needs. I am sorry I can't advise directly other than that. If there is a safety concern, please follow emergency procedures within your area of calling crisis hotline or emergency services.
My neber say on old years day to me and he is so passive aggressive.. he waited for me to come ..and he says to me fine end ..you to ...was the right answer. But i was so confused 🤔
Its Interpersonal communication in psychology in the C and B levels. The two models : proces and meaning in communication. When an individual havent been there and it is also natural stupid than the individ can not understand things about it self. It Freudian knowledge.
It is the sender-context- message-channel-code-contact and reciver. When they get out from their stupid brain the message they are not able to understand the role of their talk and how is recived by the "reciver " It is a mistery ... to understand how stupid one can be. If take a look at defense mechanisme in the identification some people will like to adopt some good sides of others that lead in normal development and function without causing problems around.
My son is behaving like mad he is 26 years old he will be good sometimes n he love us like anything suddenly he will change n he will atart hitting n he will get angry like anything n he will start blaming parents what to do any remedies for this let me know
I’ve lived in Washington state my whole life & when people come here they say a lot people are very passive aggressive.
I'm sorry, but as much as I may agree with your advice here in a situation that has to do with with a non-family member acting passive-aggressively, it's VERY DIFFERENT when the person who is passive aggressive is one's own MOTHER, and the victim of that mother's passive aggression is a daughter who is that passive aggressive mother's CARETAKER.
NEEDLESS TO SAY, THIS DAUGHTER OVER HERE IS LOSING HER MIND AND GETTING PHYSICALLY ILL FROM THE CHRONIC PASSIVE AGGRESSION OF SAID MOTHER. I'M LITERALLY LOSING MY MIND AND MAY HAVE DEVELOPED CANCER FROM THE STRESS OF THIS CHRONIC, SICK SITUATION!!! I CAN BARELY BREATHE FROM IT ANYMORE!!!!
Yes people can be annoying ....
They give you the "i'm just disappointed" treatment as well
Hate it
Can someone please. My friend, she got a new toaster oven, while she was out getting her nails done, I decided to take it out and put it on the counter, to suprise her. She got home was very upset, she wanted to open it up , now she is bringing it back 😢. I feel like crap, I understand where she is coming from, but was not not ready for that response. I apologize, she us like ok, but this is not about you. Huh? I don't understand, I took out the oven and put it on the counter, she wanted to put back in the box. I ruin her new item she bought😢 She said would I do that to you? No. Just taking like I am this POS because that is how I feel 😢 should have never touch it!!!
She is right ! Just the response is freaking me out 😢😢😢.
I hate this !!!!!!
I am sorry to hear. The best you can do is just communicate with her, validate her feelings, and ask for a solution that works for you both.
Can you help me with this scenario? Let's say I have a 13 year old daughter who refuses to wear a rain coat when it's raining. So, instead of arguing, I decide to allow her to choose and deal with the consequences. Especially when it's not cold, so all that happens is she'll get wet. The teacher asks me in front of all the kids why she doesn't have a coat. I say: She has a coat, but she doesn't want to wear it. teachers answer: Excuse me, how old is she? So she is a minor so you have to make that decision for her! (In front of everyone)
How do I deal with such a scenario? Thanks in advanced
I'm sorry to hear of this situation. I think that overall it is your right to parent your child with your own discretion and you are giving your daughter her own choice and voice, which is yours and her right to do so. In a scenario like this with the teacher responding like this in front of others, I would privately address your concerns and feelings of it not being respectful of your parenting choices and how you feel about her approaching you in a more constructive way in the future if she has any other concerns or thoughts. I hope that helps.
It's frustrating, it's like they expect to unlock the answers through their passive aggressive behavior, why can't they communicate properly Seems immature.