Passive aggressive. Folks who don’t have the courage to address an issue, honestly. Hidden agendas. One of those I really dislike and avoid. Pouting, one word answers, snarky attitude.., I’m out. Great stuff, Clay.
Or people that have addressed and confronted the issue, and no changes have been or occurred in the other person's behavior. Last resort, to me. Like I've tried everything else. 🤷♀️ a great video and message nonetheless. 👍
In my opinion, people who are consistently passive aggressive aren’t able to have healthy relationships. Mainly because plausible deniability is involved, which can lead to gaslighting when confronted. I also find that the silent treatment shows a lack of commitment to a relationship; deliberate willingness to leave issues unresolved. On another note, I don’t know how narcissists don’t get exhausted living in a perpetual power struggle (since they will do all of these things). Great video Clay, always solid content 👍
Hi Clay. I've been a Psychologist for 30 years..and yours is one of the best explanations of passive aggressive behavior that I've heard. By nature or values, many people simply aren't comfortable with conflict. So they use what strategies they have.
Yeah I liked the starting sentence of what is passive aggressive. Somewhere along the lines of, subtle insults to completely toxic behavior. well he didn't say insults, But that was the only way I understood passive aggressive up until I learned it's a behavior thing too. And let me tell you I did not like the new definition of passive aggressive to latch on to what I kinda enjoyed. Like it was a way someone who was being patient with a goof insult the goof for saying something that presents themselves as a goof. Or anyways sorry for bothering ya
@@somethinggood9267 like him i was in a long term relationship with a narcissist. Help me see and started my learning process to something I was totally ignorant to
Passive-aggressive (covert-aggressive is the contemporary term) people are unfortunately immune to therapy. I'm sure many therapists would take issue with this, but many would agree that they would at least require special training. It took years before I recognized how truly covert-aggressive my partner was. I actually started calling it sneaky-aggressive when I had only known the term passive-aggressive. When I recognized the behavior I saw how truly devious it is, so I hated the term passive-aggressive since it isn't passive. It's aggression sneaking under the radar so it's even harder to fight. Mr. Arnall mentions its toxicity but never calls it abusive. He is correct that there are degrees just as there are with any patterns of behavior. A physically abusive person may depend on intimidation most of the time while they never go beyond pushing or slapping (still wrong). Others may never show anger until they explode into dislocated shoulders, strangulation, breaking bones, and manslaughter/murder. All behaviors have degrees of intensity and efficacy, even levels of neglect. Covert-aggressive behavior causes depression, anxiety, and destroys confidence. While this happens it leaves no bruises or outward evidence of abuse leaving the abused to feel alone and question their own sanity. There is no doubt that the covert-aggressive may have learned the behavior in order to cope with the dysfunction and/or abuse they suffered growing up. This doesn't justify their abuse of their partners. Remember that no matter how ok someone may seem to you, may behave in front of you, you do not know what goes on when they go home. You don't know what they do to their family. This is a form of abuse that hides better than any other. These are often people who are people pleasers outside the home to anyone except their partner and or other immediate family members. So everyone loves them, and even the abused aren't sure why they feel intimidated by a partner that never hits physically and who is loved by neighbors and friends. If your friend starts to describe covert-aggressive behavior in a partner that you don't believe can be abusive, pay close attention. If this is due to hidden covert-aggressive behavior, your friend needs support because no one sees what he or she is dealing with. Even they might not recognize it for what it is.
Very well said J Dice. I am married to this exact person. Horrible and verbally abusive, avoidant with me, never will address any issues etc. (I am leaving finally). Everyone that meets him will think he's the nicest guy, and I cringe when I hear it.
@@BedfordFalls7 I'm happy you are leaving. It would be best for you to have someone to whom you can vent about what you are going through. I know how difficult it is for people who don't have a support system. At the very least find someone who understands the skillfull way a covert-aggressive wears two faces and manipulates a target to question their own sanity. Take care and I hope to hear from you, but understand you're life is complicated.
I think this type of aggressive behaviour is displayed in all circumstances - family, social, professional - when the exterior / interior conditions of a possible conflict are met. The added layer of masks - in the social circumstances a nice person, at home the opposite - is not particular to passive (covert) aggressive persons. This display of mask means there is another layer of a different disorder, be it of narcissistic type or other. Also, as Cal mentioned, there might be another layer of problems - addictions. Sometimes these layers are so well put up there that it becomes increasingly difficilt to evaluate and take action. For example, (s)he is a narcissist workaholic with p(c)a behaviour.
Passive aggressive people HATE confident people that make it clear they will not tolerate the BS. My roommate tried leaving notes and I confronted him, looked at him in the eye and said in a calm voice "If you have a problem, you tell it to me face to face like a man. Do you understand?" The notes stopped instantly.
The silence treatment is one of the worst manipulative behaviors, it makes you feel like you did something wrong without knowing what you did and make you feel like you're losing your mind. I experienced so much of it in one of my previous relationships, it felt like I was constantly being punished for something. That along with sarcasm.... so glad I'm out of it.
In the workplace you have to be extremely careful with calling people out. They get their little feelings hurt and call HR and you are on the bread line tomorrow.
Thank you Clay for another great video. When I was a teenager and would get in trouble my mother could easily go two months and never say one single word to me. As an empath I could always feel the energy of my mother and between the two it was always so painful. As an adult I have done lots of work and have a better understanding of why my mother reacted the way that she did. It does not excuse her behavior but has given me great insight. I am so grateful for your videos and honest content.
Well done! I like the way you have created this list that's very specific and easy to organize and store in my own memory library to refer to as needed.. I often feel gun shy when it comes to calling out passive aggressive behaviors. I don't want to escalate an already tense situation or throw gasoline on a smoldering fire. So I would love to see some examples of tactful communication when calling out someone who's being passive aggressive.. Thanks,!
In my opinion, our society kind of encourages passive aggression. I prefer communicating with people who communicate directly, but those who directly communicate sometimes are accused of being aggressive when they are just being direct. I have seen this play out frequently and it leaves me confused every time!
Nearly everyone over the age of 3 has been passive aggressive and has had it done to them. It’s as much a part of human behaviour as kindness. An integral part of our shadow side. Expect it from others and catch it in yourself and pivot to directness if possible. You may lose people but those who stay are the keepers.✌️
Thank you so much for this video. Going through a time in my life of lots of self reflection, trying to learn and grow. I have always been a people pleaser and felt so much guilt. On the other hand, I have also noticed some of these behaviors coming from others, even closest friends ( or who I though were my friends) but as I kept watching I was also confronting my own passive aggressiveness thinking: “I just didn’t know better”, “ I dint know how to express what I felt”” maybe I felt unseen, frustrated, sad”...I believe we all have been passive aggressive at some point but it’s necessary to self reflect and learn to be more direct with each other. The world would be a much better place. Thank’s again for helping me grow a little more today :)
@blessme7853 Absolutely not. The world would be a time bomb. Conflict is just a part of life, as is peace. If people are afraid of conflict and hence avoid dealing with it and suppress their anger, this is the best recipe for WAR.
I think the important thing here is that if you suspect someone is being passive-aggressive, you ask them about it... not call the person a name “you’re passive-aggressive” or assume “you’re being passive-aggressive”. The issue with videos reporting on “unsavory behavior” is that it exists in many forms in almost everyone. No one is exempt and when we begin to point at others as possessing these traits we sometimes fail to look in the mirror. Back in the day, certain people with certain traits were known as “assholes” and life moved on. It wasn’t this whole dissection of people’s worse traits so it can become stigmatizing and persecutory. Humanity has a way of taking things and blowing it out of proportion in the labeling category. For instance, everyone looking at their partners now, ticking all the boxes, are revving up “to do something about it” not stopping to ask themselves, “what about me attracts a person with those qualities”? Sometimes they are mirror reflections of who you are, maybe they didn’t learn or weren’t modeled in childhood how to not hide from the truth or articulate what is bothering them. It seems we need to remember to have compassion when entering “you’re this way!” territory and be mindful that for every unsavory trait or behavior we see in others there exists one of equal or greater value in ourselves. Maybe we should talk more about what healthy communication (aka nonviolent communication) and healthy relationships between family, friends, and partners look like. That’s more helpful then priming people to see flaws and negativity in everyone. It misrepresents what is really important... change is possible. If you are with a partner in a relationship where passive-aggression exists it likely exists on both sides somewhere verbally or in behavior. Use Marshalls 4 components for communicating directly: 1) State the observation/what you see in a non-judgmental tone; 2) reflect on how you feel by what you observe; 3) state your values; and 4) make a request from the other person. Example: When I see videos that target people’s worst traits I feel sad because I value humanity finding better ways to affect change with educating and modeling “how to communicate”. Clay, can we have more videos that model and talk about what healthy communication/relationships/people look like, balancing out the perspectives of what many relationships/people actually look like but could use some support in HOW to make it better? My first realization growing up that my family was dysfunctional was seeing the contrast between my family and the families of friends and boyfriends. In addition, observing the contrast between healthy and unhealthy relationships. From there, I began to research the components that make up healthy relationships and how to communicate more effectively. It can be as simple as “We both have been in this cycle of communicating a certain way for some time and I’d really like us to improve the way we communicate because I value what we have. Are you willing to join me on this journey?”
Wow! You think you are the only one who thought about it? You oversimplified everything and trying to make it sound so easy. Yes everyone should learn about 'healthy communication'. You think no one ever said " Let's improve our communication and start on a new journey." Cute.
I welcome any helpful advice on how to do better so we can have fun in a loving and harmonic relationship. There’s many approaches to this whether it’s your original idea or someone else’s regurgitated education. I appreciate information that helps. Thank you.
The video is describing passive-agressiveness. If you want to know how to deal with it, watch videos about assertive communication techniques. It is your right to feel upset and disappointed. To me it seems that you expect others to never explain the problem without the solution. In my opinion your expectation is unreasonable and out of your control.
Thank you so much for this! So accurate and I never realised that all of these various behaviours are forms of passive aggression. I have been on the receiving end of all of them - many during my former marriage which was intolerable. This video validates my experiences. Sadly also the silent treatment and a couple of others were chronic behaviours of my mum when I was growing up. Really messes you up inside. I really appreciate also your clear distinction between intentional and non intentional pa. As my parents exhibited this behaviour - one thru silence and dismissiveness, the other thru controlling behaviours and disapproving scary face, I had no choice but to learn to use such behaviours myself as I knew no better ways of communicating. I hate pa and being pa now and do try to not behave that way. Thanks so much!
I feel really the same. I'm older and I've just come to the conclusion that most people dont have basic manners. I dont have a toleration for personal relationships that make me work too hard at figuring out what they are doing. If it's a work related I remember why they chose this career path and it was not because they had people skills. I'm exhausted from trying to please everyone to a clinical level. So pace yourself. We attract narcissists .
I recently discovered your channel and I've already listened to many of your talks. It's interesting and comforting to find out someone you don't know, who lives in another part of the world and has experienced different situations, thinks similar about certain things. Even better, this 'someone' is a man who grew up in a different culture and country where the thinking scheme is so way different (I'm from Mexico); which proves that these geographical and biological differences are superficial and don't prevent humans to have deep connections with others, even when they occur through Internet. So, thank you Clay, keep up the awesome work. Stay focused, stay calm.
Here's an example from a recent break up with a passive aggressive cover narcissistic. I told him "I don't like the way you treat me I deserve better than this". His response was, "I really hope you get what what you think you deserve."
When it’s a family member, the no tolerance becomes difficult. Although, I’ve mentioned my concerns, things get better for a bit and then return to usual. But, I agree with you. I’m a tell it like it is kind of person. So when I have to deal with behaviors that aren’t welcoming it feels like a hurtle. Straight shooter is the only way for me.
The silent treatment can also be because in the moment you feel so hurt that you just shut down. You don't know what to say oe you'll start crying and then people will think you're overreacting so you just go away for a bit to calm down and maybe sort out your feelings first.
When I go silent, it is because the other person is refusing to solve a problem with me. I’m not going to pretend it is all cool when it is not. I have people in my life who just want to scrape conflicts under the rug and pretend all is good. I’m not doing that.
Yes, what would be the alternative as a huge percentage of people shun communication. I want to dance and harmonize. I don’t want to be abused or abuse anyone. I feel torn.
Or they don't listen to you. They interrupt when you try to talk. They do not hear what you are saying when you do talk. They tell you why you are wrong, the end. There is not point in talking. It is just more pain.
When someone is being very cold and dismissive , even in a brief business encounter it truly affects me as an empath. Like you said at the end of your video , I call it out now and have almost zero tolerance for it I find it an infuriating attempt to manipulate another person and the situation !
I just want to point out that when someone who's generally warm and friendly towards you suddenly starts acting cold and dismissive for no apparent reason, it can also be a flag that that person is in distress.
Geneviève Carine Robert Oh my , I need to clarify. I was referring to someone I never met who’s job it was to assist me and be of service ! It was completely inappropriate in every level and I did report her to the director of the company ! She was not any one who I ever met before !
My child’s mom , likes to text pages on top of pages , going back and forth from positive Comments about loving me , followed by all the negative things I do wrong in the relationship and how hard she works To Keep Us together . . Leaves me Confused but I’m getting the hang of it .
Great summary. I've found that if someone does one of those things they're capable of doing them all. Clay is SO right. You must call it out immediately. Be direct. Or else they'll just do it in another way. The first time they stonewall you, call them out! Saves time and trouble you might waste on someone who will only make you miserable.
I am a repeat violator of passive aggressive behavior lol. I lack the social skills to always communicate directly what I want or how I feel, but in reality I take it out on myself by getting quiet and withdrawing or withholding because I'm not finding any joy in it. I hate that because it's not fair to my partner, and I work on it. But he's a Leo...we may have fights soon.
Thank you for this video. I have been aware of being, or just feeling, passive-aggressive at times. In the heat of the moment the best I could manage to derail my toxic inclinition was to quit the situation. It's such a revolting behavioral tendency that I didn't want to deal with it. Your comments on helplessness and fear resonated. Your insights give me a starting point for analyzing what I can change in myself before directing toxicity outward.
I've met a lot of passive-aggressive people throughout my life with malicious intentions, really hurt me. But I do recognize several of these characteristic in myself. It does create a worse relationship as time goes.
@@grumpyschnauzer I agree, the cycle of passive-aggression is really dangerous especially when it is not recognized. Although, after recognizing the cycle, we must end it. We must not stop improving when we realize the cycle we are in. We are responsible for stopping passive-aggressiveness in ourselves; if not, it could result in hurting our loved ones and ourselves. These are my thoughts on this, sorry for a long rant. I felt the urge to comment because I also had this experience. However, after recognizing I was in a cycle of passive-aggression. I didn't do anything to stop it. It continued to hurt me and my loved ones further.
hey just wanted to say that neurodivergent people often do things that are on this list unintentionally and without anything being wrong, so it is even more important to tell people when something is hurtful to you because they may not know if you are upset, and even if they do, they may not know the cause of it. i know this from experience btw, i’m autistic and i have adhd and after watching this i realized that i do many of the things on this list and i had no idea they could be interpreted as a form of aggression, i’m glad i came across this video so i could keep that in mind and try to change some of these behaviors if possible.
Thanks for this video; it resonated with me. The ultimate way for a passive-aggressive person to say'no' without saying 'no' is to say 'yes', then just not do it. Like the time my ex agreed to pick up our daughter at the airport but went out drinking instead. Typical for him; I think the 'reward' for him came from being the nice guy by agreeing to do something. Once he got the warm-fuzzies he didn't see the need to actually do the thing he promised. To his great surprise, that usually got him in a heap of trouble. Go figure.
great video. i like the part about not accepting and calling out a passive aggressive behavior. What would be your response to a close person that is giving all kinds of reasons and explanations denying their passive-agressiveness or they try to prove correctness of their behavior after you call them out? Or maybe even how do you call them out on it in the first place?
I am currently living in my cousin's house who has almost all these traits, as an Infj I am trying my best not to absorb all the negative energy they have especially the silent treatment when they have fight and the intentional annoyance of my 9 yr. old nephew everytime he doesn't get what he wanted, I am so done. I promised myself I'll get out of here after my online class is finished. 😩 Thanks for a great video Clay! 😊
Great talk. Truly transcendent. When you see it.. and it may have all sorts of motivations... What I have have experienced .. passive aggressives ruin so much of what they touch... Passive aggression becomes the default coping mechanism ... You become the easy excuse. Competence saves you .
Excellent video. Thank u posting this and laying it out in such a clear, organized manner. I’m endlessly fascinated by this type of behavior as I always seem to attract these types of people.
Thank you Clay - you have a lot of insight I love the way you described « ruining your vibe » it took me decades (I’m 57) to learn personally what you are saying.
I lived with a passive aggressive man for twenty years until I found out what it was. I nearly went crazy. It's horrible to live with a passive aggressive person. He is a hideous man. Laughs, smirks, verbal abuse,. He was helpless and would say tell me what to do and Ill do it ...followed by you can't tell me what to do! He lied, 'forgot' important things. Sadly, my children have learned those behaviours too. I found my self esteem and left. His hideous father was the same. He learned it from him. It needs to be taken more seriously.
Learned helplessness 😤 that really annoys me. Once I start picking up that someone is doing that I let them know they'll still be called on to do what they need to!! So it's up to them how they show up. Funny how they eventually "learn" to do the thing properly!
I have a passive-aggressive mother, I have always found it very hard to see through and have never inwardly come to terms with it. She is a hopeless case. I really appreciated the information in this video and you seem like one of the least passive-aggressive people ever.
Look, in short, passive aggressive IS ABUSE and you don't have to study the subject to know when someone is being that way. But you do need to be willing to tell someone goodbye if they start to be that way towards you at around you.
My husband is a mechanical engineer that pretends he can't cook. He pretty much refuses to pitch in and help with cooking whatsoever. He just won't do it. Even though I have expressed how upset I am about it and how angry and bitter I am. He's still refuses to help. Talk about weaponized incompetence.
This is causing some self reflection for me. Being passive aggressive is not something I want to be. I can see times I've done it and why its counterproductive.
The silent treatment is sometimes the ONLY thing left to you when you've trued repeatedly to discuss a topic and resolvecsn issue but the other person refuses to engage or rages at you with total non related nonsense and you can't walk away from the situation. Then ONLY thing left is to withdraw and not talk to the person because they are so toxic. The problem with passive aggressive people is they will reflect there own guilt and accuse others of their own behaviour no matter how you try to resolve the issue. They will always hold you responsible and accountable but not tell you they're doing this. I'm 52 and had to deal with passive aggressive behaviour far too many times in my life. Thankfully most people I've known are passive aggressive but the ones that are cast a massive cloud over everything. They are like a pair of really smelly socks left in the corner of the room they make the whole room smell.
Great video, thank you! There is another definition of learned helpless that results from being victimized. A metaphorical example would be an elephant that is tied up its' entire life. When the rope is finally removed the elephant goes nowhere as it has learned that it is helpless.
As a retired psychologist I always thought of passive aggression fairly simply as aggressing by doing nothing, or by not doing something. My ex husband provided my favorite example: I wanted to have a small party, our few friends, a couple of nice young people I'd met at college, and a relative or two. I passed this by him, and he didn't indicate any problem (which was enthusiasm, for him). When the people were due to start coming, he ensconced himself in his Lazy-Boy chair and read a book the entire evening, totally ignoring everyone throughout the party, which flowed around him, quietly very pleasant. Fortunately the attendees looked at him at first, puzzled, then kind of shrugged and proceeded to enjoy the evening. He never, ever commented on that party. But I never had another one. And I've never been able to handle passive aggressive people without very high stress.
I live in Latin America where is very difficult for women to speak our minds and not being considered as bitches, bad humored, or "difficult". I am 33 years old and I have promised myself that I will always speak my mind, even if someone gets upset for it. I have learned that people that cannot deal with my real feelings or thoughts do not deserve to be in my life and sooner than later it becomes a heavy weight that cut my wings to fly.
Great topic. Seems like passive aggression is on the rise, probably right in line with the rise in narcissism and the extreme polarity were seeing in the world. One question I have though, is....I think there must be a different word for what you're describing as "learned helplessness"...maybe "feigned helplessness"? The definition I'm familiar with for "learned helplessness" is: "a condition in which a person suffers from a (real) sense of powerlessness, arising from a traumatic event or persistent failure to succeed. It is thought to be one of the underlying causes of depression". Victims of narcissistic "caregivers" can suffer from this and it's not about passive aggression. They have literally learned that they cannot succeed because they've tried repeatedly and been literally undermined and prevented from succeeding via many tactics, subtle or overt, to the point that they truly feel helpless...and this feeling can become internalized and persist long after the abuse. I think passive aggression is pretty darn common, and it's always about getting one's perceived needs met. I think the difference between "common" passive aggression (which is not to imply "normal" or "healthy")and "toxic" passive aggression comes down to whether someone truly WANTS to be direct and is doing whatever they feel is possible to do so...or even someone who is part of a family dynamic in which this is just "the relational pattern they're all stuck in, whereas "toxic" passive aggression is someone who is just lazy, predatory or manipulative and is just "gaming" others....usually due to some personality disorder. "Feigned helplessness" (this is not an official term, I don't think, but one I made up) is more what you're describing here... Hooray for demanding directness! Of course we can't always know the true intentions of others' actions without a bit of discussion, but if we "suspect" passive aggression there's always a way to deal with it without accusing them of passive aggression. Some one feigning helplessness? Let them know you're not buying it and why...(and of course giving them the opportunity to fill in any "potential" gaps in our understanding of the situation) Still not buying it?. Let them know and move on. Someone leave a dish in the sink? Do NOT react (it's what they want and will train them to keep doing it) Just calmly remind them what the rule is and go on about your day. If it keeps happening, set aside a few minutes to ask them why they're doing it (maybe there's some explanation?...or maybe they ARE pissed off about something, in which case, if they're not willing to be direct about it, just take their word for it anyway...on go back to what you're doing. Do NOT spend more than a couple of minutes attempting to have a direct conversation...If you're getting pulled into more games, that's just rewarding and reinforcing them. I have to admit, I'm still working on this.. have been for years... with certain people I feel a level of "stuck-with" but I have minimized contact I told someone once, more than twenty years ago "if this makes me a bitch than I'm a PROUD bitch!" :))
I'll have to look into the word 'learned helplessness'. In my readings it was used in this way, but there's always the chance there's a better word to describe what I mean.
Great video. I agree with requiring direct communication of anyone these days. Why live with emotional bullshit, eh?? I used direct communication on my sister and when I quietly said NO she immediately began vigorously violating my boundaries with “but she likes you better; she doesn’t like me as much as she likes you”. And on and on. It was curious how much her demeanor amped up when she finally grasped the multiple NOs while we were sitting in a full coffeehouse. Also a note on the “learned helpless” wording; I see other comments and agree that It is not learned helplessness. As you said in the video, they’re pretending. It is Feigned helpless. It is a control to make you believe they are incompetent. I guarantee if they lived alone they’d figure out ASAP how to do the things they pretend not to be capable of doing. It is more likely that they already know how to do it. The cure for cleaning issues is this (I do this still when necessary): “You missed a spot.” Or “that’s not clean, I can see the grease/dirt.” And I stand there while they redo. I am not mean about it. But I am firm.
Honestly I'm definitely a passive and indirect attacker but I'm not passive aggressive because I rather address the problem directly at the person that created the problem in the first place which is the reason why I'm extremely blunt and brutally honest especially in the workplace
INFJ here. Why is it every time that I go to assert myself I feel like I need to get ready to engage in mortal combat potentially? I think it's because that under the surface of the rules and code of conduct we have in society, there's always that reptile brain in some that isn't suppressed very well. People can release pressure in strange and dangerous ways. I agree with Clay that people pleasing is bad. I dunno 😕. Just stay fit and keep practicing jiu-jitsu. 👍
I really enjoyed watching your video just now. You have some great examples of passive aggressive behaviors. I had some distractions right now with the holiday weekend so will listen again to your video tomorrow before I add further commentary that comes to mind to it. What I heard of your video was spot on! I deal with a passive aggressive MIL who I think from my armchair psych view over the last few year of her relatively minor abuse is a covert narcissist. It's troublesome to say the least. She is NOT obvious in the BS she does, but I have put the pieces of the wacky puzzle together over time. It's pathetic.
@@ClayArnall mainly issues within friendships, i try to bring things up directly whenever i have something that has hurt me and i have a friend right now who has refused to discuss things with me before but in a very passive aggressive way..... I often feel like the overly sensitive one, or even naggy. Because i am the only one addressing anything,"feeling stuff". My mbti is infp if that is useful.
@@somethinggood9267 I think the problem is so few people are actually capable of being a good friend according to an INFJ or an INFP. It’s quite possible there is no way to ‘fix’ other people according to what you think is wrong. You can let them know your wishes and thoughts but they still have to chose to participate in the relationship willingly. Sometimes we spend so much time trying to make a certain relationship work when maybe the best solution is to put our energy elsewhere into different relationships that have a higher chance of being fulfilling.
@@ClayArnall i think you make some good points, there have definitely been times where i have tried to persuade people to love me. Or stick around even if im not treated well. I think it can be hard for me to know when to draw the line and walk away, because of guilt and perceived obligation to loyalty. Im just now learning about boundaries lol. Hey thanks for taking the time to answer me and helping me mull things over : ) love your channel btw.
I live with a passive aggressive. We have been together 30 years. I tend to be bluntly honest and assertive, borderline aggressive. Polar opposites. I can tell you how he will respond to just about everything. He can tell you that I will call out the behavior, every time. How have we done it all these years? He has to give in and I have to give in. That's it. 😂
Hey thank you for such a great lesson. I hear these examples but you really did a good job at explaining the different reasons and idiosyncrasies that go along with them and how different the source for the exact same behavior comes from.
I clicked on this podcast because I really wasn't sure what passive aggressive behavior looks like. Sadly, I realize that I've been subjected to it a LOT! Now, I have to figure out how to deal with it maturely & effectively.
I have this tendency too.. I ma unable to express my anger and negative feeling coz my parents used to punish me if I express my true negative feelings 😢😢
i feel like some of these apply to me. i usually expect people to just know why i am mad at them rather than confronting them and telling them about how i actually feel. I avoid conversations when i am mad because i feel like i might be being overdramatic but there actions still hurt me and i dont want them to start hating me either so i just avoid them altogether. i guess its kind of a coping mechanism.
If you already know that someone suffers from your passive agressiveness, like the partner in that example, you are banking on them having childhood trauma from a parent using this tactic to educate a kid, withdrawal of love. All for you to be coddled, that is selfishness, not love. I find the best way to deal with passive agressiveness is calling it out, saying that you see them acting badly and for what reason. Or keep watching and ignoring it and play the long game, patiently waiting for the passive aggressive person to implode.
but you can also tell by how they accuse you of it. It is on their mind. So lets say im 5 minutes late, really because the train didnt go at all and i would have been half an hour early had it run on schedule. And then in between the lines you pick up on them thinking you came late on purpose to let them wait. They dont believe you. My thought would be: aha whenever you are late that would be the reason. People judge you based on how they are. So I found out that if someone doesnt seek hidden agendas and presumes your telling it like it is without triagulating or adressing an issue you really just want to improve that particular issue and you're not only saying it to make them look bad etc etc: if someone is automatically going for the most honest uncomplicated option (unless its really recurrent or obvious) ; that is usually how they are themselves. So I"ve been falsely accused of passive agressiveness and it was only by people that turned out to be the worst themselves. I've stopped prooving that my intentions are clear: its just a sign theirs are not. The ones that want you to bend over backwards to proove you are trustworthy: are not worth it themselves.
Passive aggressive examples. Family member sleeps on sofa all evening, every evening and demanding quiet. (No TV or music) They should just go to bed. Great control technique without even having to speak. Shows a lot of contempt.
Ugh! I catch myself doing this (without evil intent) when I am not feeling well sometimes. I do it to avoid bringing emotions into the picture when I don't feel well and might magnify their importance or "set him off" in some way. Or if something is blatantly obvious, but he's oblivious. If he asks "what's wrong?" then I feel safe telling him, but then worry if I have alienated him. The unresolved issue is, a few months ago 3 pairs of my reading glasses went missing on the same day. I had 5 and they were left in their usual places. They are dollar-store glasses, not $$valuable but necessary. That day, my best friend and one of his best friends were the only visitors at the house. My friend was never unsupervised, but his was. So I while I don't think this was malicious (a childish joke?), it happened, and the glasses still haven't showed up. There were means and opportunity, but no motive....he claims no knowledge....I have a place for everything and everything in its place, so this is the example of "obvious/oblivious" mentioned in the long ramble above. :) Now I lock up everything.
Just an interesting note: in Catholicism gossip is a sin principally against the eighth commandment: you shall not bear false witness against your neighbour. Everyone has a right to a good name and gossip undermines or even destroys another's reputation.
My mom and me moved with a family member till we get on our feet. I always thought this person was really genuinely nice every time we would visit them. But as time passed by they weren’t who they made themselves out to be. I don’t know if it’s passive aggressive but my mom would buy groceries and my family member would too but she would let my mom groceries spoil before theirs does. We left a month and half to visit my mom’s sister and before she left told my family member to use the milk and other groceries before they go to waste. They kept quiet and didn’t say anything. We recently got back and lo and behold the milk was in the fridge rotten for more than a month and fruit as well. We don’t feel welcomed anymore and they certainly don’t say it but they don’t feel comfortable with us there either. Is that considered passive aggressive? While we were out they organized our stuff to the garage and put our produce in the garage fridge. Basically telling us our stuff isn’t wanted in the main fridge. We’re hoping to leave asap.
Are you sure learned helplessness is the correct term for what you're describing? Because the learned helplessness I learned about in psychology classes is totally different -- it's when people learn that they are unable to do something at a certain time and in a certain context, and then that belief sticks with them so that they truly believe themselves to be helpless when they, in fact, aren't. The usual example goes like this (trigger warning for animal cruelty!): if you tie a baby elephant to a post using rope, and let him exhaust himself trying to break free, he will eventually give up. As the elephant grows, he will never again try to break free of the rope, despite having the physical strength to do so easily. In that example, the individual experiencing learned helplessless is the victim (the elephant); the person using learned helplessness as a manipulation technique is the elephant trainer.
I agree there seems to be two definitions for this term out there. I might do a bit more research to see if there's a better word for what I was describing.
Could the silent treatment be a door slam as well? You have tried to work out a difference and the other person won’t budge, so you close the door but it looks like a silent treatment? I know that I’ve done that before. But then I did have a narcissistic mother, so am I also picking up on behavior I learned from her? Idk. I try to not do it, but there are some people you want out of your life.
A door slam is something different. A door slam is an end to a relationship follows by an enforced boundary. Being silent is only passive aggressive if you’re trying to communicate something through your silence. Or you’re trying to show your displeasure to get some kind of a response.
Clay, do you do consultations, or can you help me pick apart an event that happened 12 months ago. I was called passive aggressive by someone, when I thought I was being honest and trying to gently set a boundary about some conduct this person had engaged in for a few years prior. I've spent a year googling the words "passive aggressive" to find out if what I said was. But where it's landed me, is that I'm left thinking this person has been passive aggressive frequently to a number of people. Things got really horrible, and I got into what HG Tudor refers to as a "cliff fightback" (I think? Maybe I'm the abusive one?). It's really bugging me, and I don't know if they were in the wrong, if I was in the wrong, or if we both were. It's basically asking if you could do a conversation analysis. Obviously I'd pay you for your time, as that's only fair and proper, plus I'll make anonymous everyone involved.
I am living with someone who has been breaking my things "accidentally" for the last 3 years. A lot of my plates / bowls are chipped, including my favourite pasta dishes, that he knows are my favourite. I finally realised that only MY crockery is getting chipped, the crockery HE brought into the relationship is perfect.
![Jack Harlow - Hello Miss Johnson [Official Music Video]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/Q86_nlRoIGw/mqdefault.jpg)
Passive aggressive. Folks who don’t have the courage to address an issue, honestly. Hidden agendas. One of those I really dislike and avoid. Pouting, one word answers, snarky attitude.., I’m out. Great stuff, Clay.
😣
Or people that have addressed and confronted the issue, and no changes have been or occurred in the other person's behavior. Last resort, to me. Like I've tried everything else. 🤷♀️ a great video and message nonetheless. 👍
I hate them Too. But I also hate directly agressive men.
Then when you leave them alone, they will act like you did them so wrong. They will act like you’re the passive aggressive one.
@@petekdemircioglu But directly agressive women are okay. Right?
The silent treatment is quite a horrible experience but once you've lived it you become stronger. Thanks for the video Clay.
When my mumter did that to me, I would literally scream the place down or smash objects in kitchen, only way to get them to talk!
In my opinion, people who are consistently passive aggressive aren’t able to have healthy relationships.
Mainly because plausible deniability is involved, which can lead to gaslighting when confronted.
I also find that the silent treatment shows a lack of commitment to a relationship; deliberate willingness to leave issues unresolved.
On another note, I don’t know how narcissists don’t get exhausted living in a perpetual power struggle (since they will do all of these things).
Great video Clay, always solid content 👍
Sadly agree with you!
This is well said! Silent treatment also shows immaturity as well, as if they are almost not ready for the relationship to continue progressing.
You are so correct about "palausible deniability" and "Gaslighting". In your experience, do these people change?
For a layman it can get very difficult, at times, to distinguish between a narcsissist and a passive agressive personality.
I thoroughly agree with you 😊
Hi Clay. I've been a Psychologist for 30 years..and yours is one of the best explanations of passive aggressive behavior that I've heard. By nature or values, many people simply aren't comfortable with conflict. So they use what strategies they have.
Yeah I liked the starting sentence of what is passive aggressive. Somewhere along the lines of, subtle insults to completely toxic behavior. well he didn't say insults, But that was the only way I understood passive aggressive up until I learned it's a behavior thing too. And let me tell you I did not like the new definition of passive aggressive to latch on to what I kinda enjoyed. Like it was a way someone who was being patient with a goof insult the goof for saying something that presents themselves as a goof. Or anyways sorry for bothering ya
I think this helps you spot narcissists as well as catching yourself being passive aggressive. Always reflect and become better than yesterday.
Love you Clay. Always helping other spot narcissism, my hero. Literally changed my life over a year ago.
Clay is really cool. Hes helpes me look at things in my life as well!
@@somethinggood9267 like him i was in a long term relationship with a narcissist. Help me see and started my learning process to something I was totally ignorant to
Passive-aggressive (covert-aggressive is the contemporary term) people are unfortunately immune to therapy. I'm sure many therapists would take issue with this, but many would agree that they would at least require special training. It took years before I recognized how truly covert-aggressive my partner was. I actually started calling it sneaky-aggressive when I had only known the term passive-aggressive. When I recognized the behavior I saw how truly devious it is, so I hated the term passive-aggressive since it isn't passive. It's aggression sneaking under the radar so it's even harder to fight. Mr. Arnall mentions its toxicity but never calls it abusive. He is correct that there are degrees just as there are with any patterns of behavior. A physically abusive person may depend on intimidation most of the time while they never go beyond pushing or slapping (still wrong). Others may never show anger until they explode into dislocated shoulders, strangulation, breaking bones, and manslaughter/murder. All behaviors have degrees of intensity and efficacy, even levels of neglect. Covert-aggressive behavior causes depression, anxiety, and destroys confidence. While this happens it leaves no bruises or outward evidence of abuse leaving the abused to feel alone and question their own sanity. There is no doubt that the covert-aggressive may have learned the behavior in order to cope with the dysfunction and/or abuse they suffered growing up. This doesn't justify their abuse of their partners. Remember that no matter how ok someone may seem to you, may behave in front of you, you do not know what goes on when they go home. You don't know what they do to their family. This is a form of abuse that hides better than any other. These are often people who are people pleasers outside the home to anyone except their partner and or other immediate family members. So everyone loves them, and even the abused aren't sure why they feel intimidated by a partner that never hits physically and who is loved by neighbors and friends. If your friend starts to describe covert-aggressive behavior in a partner that you don't believe can be abusive, pay close attention. If this is due to hidden covert-aggressive behavior, your friend needs support because no one sees what he or she is dealing with. Even they might not recognize it for what it is.
Very well said J Dice. I am married to this exact person. Horrible and verbally abusive, avoidant with me, never will address any issues etc. (I am leaving finally). Everyone that meets him will think he's the nicest guy, and I cringe when I hear it.
@@BedfordFalls7 I'm happy you are leaving. It would be best for you to have someone to whom you can vent about what you are going through. I know how difficult it is for people who don't have a support system. At the very least find someone who understands the skillfull way a covert-aggressive wears two faces and manipulates a target to question their own sanity. Take care and I hope to hear from you, but understand you're life is complicated.
I think this type of aggressive behaviour is displayed in all circumstances - family, social, professional - when the exterior / interior conditions of a possible conflict are met. The added layer of masks - in the social circumstances a nice person, at home the opposite - is not particular to passive (covert) aggressive persons. This display of mask means there is another layer of a different disorder, be it of narcissistic type or other. Also, as Cal mentioned, there might be another layer of problems - addictions. Sometimes these layers are so well put up there that it becomes increasingly difficilt to evaluate and take action. For example, (s)he is a narcissist workaholic with p(c)a behaviour.
Passive aggressive people HATE confident people that make it clear they will not tolerate the BS.
My roommate tried leaving notes and I confronted him, looked at him in the eye and said in a calm voice "If you have a problem, you tell it to me face to face like a man. Do you understand?"
The notes stopped instantly.
Damnn I like that. I wish more people were like you. So straight up and confident ❤
The silence treatment is one of the worst manipulative behaviors, it makes you feel like you did something wrong without knowing what you did and make you feel like you're losing your mind. I experienced so much of it in one of my previous relationships, it felt like I was constantly being punished for something. That along with sarcasm.... so glad I'm out of it.
Sometimes it's for nothing done wrong but time to play "Watch him/her run around to fix what is not broken".
In the workplace you have to be extremely careful with calling people out. They get their little feelings hurt and call HR and you are on the bread line tomorrow.
This is very true. However they didn't care about your feelings when they tried their bullshit.
Thank you Clay for another great video. When I was a teenager and would get in trouble my mother could easily go two months and never say one single word to me. As an empath I could always feel the energy of my mother and between the two it was always so painful. As an adult I have done lots of work and have a better understanding of why my mother reacted the way that she did. It does not excuse her behavior but has given me great insight. I am so grateful for your videos and honest content.
Well done! I like the way you have created this list that's very specific and easy to
organize and store in my own memory library to refer to as needed.. I often feel gun shy when it comes to calling out passive aggressive behaviors. I don't want to escalate an already tense situation or throw gasoline on a smoldering fire. So I would love to see some examples of tactful communication when calling out someone who's being passive aggressive.. Thanks,!
In my opinion, our society kind of encourages passive aggression. I prefer communicating with people who communicate directly, but those who directly communicate sometimes are accused of being aggressive when they are just being direct. I have seen this play out frequently and it leaves me confused every time!
Nearly everyone over the age of 3 has been passive aggressive and has had it done to them. It’s as much a part of human behaviour as kindness. An integral part of our shadow side. Expect it from others and catch it in yourself and pivot to directness if possible. You may lose people but those who stay are the keepers.✌️
Jealous/envious people tend to be P-A behavior.
A compliment wrapped in an insult & folks that cannot express their true feelings to in a healthy way. Most awesome video ever. Thank you
Thank you so much for this video. Going through a time in my life of lots of self reflection, trying to learn and grow. I have always been a people pleaser and felt so much guilt. On the other hand, I have also noticed some of these behaviors coming from others, even closest friends ( or who I though were my friends) but as I kept watching I was also confronting my own passive aggressiveness thinking: “I just didn’t know better”, “ I dint know how to express what I felt”” maybe I felt unseen, frustrated, sad”...I believe we all have been passive aggressive at some point but it’s necessary to self reflect and learn to be more direct with each other. The world would be a much better place. Thank’s again for helping me grow a little more today :)
@blessme7853 Absolutely not. The world would be a time bomb. Conflict is just a part of life, as is peace. If people are afraid of conflict and hence avoid dealing with it and suppress their anger, this is the best recipe for WAR.
I think the important thing here is that if you suspect someone is being passive-aggressive, you ask them about it... not call the person a name “you’re passive-aggressive” or assume “you’re being passive-aggressive”. The issue with videos reporting on “unsavory behavior” is that it exists in many forms in almost everyone. No one is exempt and when we begin to point at others as possessing these traits we sometimes fail to look in the mirror. Back in the day, certain people with certain traits were known as “assholes” and life moved on. It wasn’t this whole dissection of people’s worse traits so it can become stigmatizing and persecutory. Humanity has a way of taking things and blowing it out of proportion in the labeling category.
For instance, everyone looking at their partners now, ticking all the boxes, are revving up “to do something about it” not stopping to ask themselves, “what about me attracts a person with those qualities”? Sometimes they are mirror reflections of who you are, maybe they didn’t learn or weren’t modeled in childhood how to not hide from the truth or articulate what is bothering them. It seems we need to remember to have compassion when entering “you’re this way!” territory and be mindful that for every unsavory trait or behavior we see in others there exists one of equal or greater value in ourselves.
Maybe we should talk more about what healthy communication (aka nonviolent communication) and healthy relationships between family, friends, and partners look like. That’s more helpful then priming people to see flaws and negativity in everyone. It misrepresents what is really important... change is possible. If you are with a partner in a relationship where passive-aggression exists it likely exists on both sides somewhere verbally or in behavior.
Use Marshalls 4 components for communicating directly: 1) State the observation/what you see in a non-judgmental tone; 2) reflect on how you feel by what you observe; 3) state your values; and 4) make a request from the other person. Example: When I see videos that target people’s worst traits I feel sad because I value humanity finding better ways to affect change with educating and modeling “how to communicate”. Clay, can we have more videos that model and talk about what healthy communication/relationships/people look like, balancing out the perspectives of what many relationships/people actually look like but could use some support in HOW to make it better?
My first realization growing up that my family was dysfunctional was seeing the contrast between my family and the families of friends and boyfriends. In addition, observing the contrast between healthy and unhealthy relationships. From there, I began to research the components that make up healthy relationships and how to communicate more effectively. It can be as simple as “We both have been in this cycle of communicating a certain way for some time and I’d really like us to improve the way we communicate because I value what we have. Are you willing to join me on this journey?”
Wow!
You think you are the only one who thought about it?
You oversimplified everything and trying to make it sound so easy. Yes everyone should learn about 'healthy communication'.
You think no one ever said " Let's improve our communication and start on a new journey."
Cute.
Great points. Thank you for sharing the 4 points of Marshall Rosenberg's communication style.
I welcome any helpful advice on how to do better so we can have fun in a loving and harmonic relationship. There’s many approaches to this whether it’s your original idea or someone else’s regurgitated education. I appreciate information that helps. Thank you.
The video is describing passive-agressiveness. If you want to know how to deal with it, watch videos about assertive communication techniques.
It is your right to feel upset and disappointed. To me it seems that you expect others to never explain the problem without the solution. In my opinion your expectation is unreasonable and out of your control.
Why are the replies to OP sounds so passive aggressive 🤣 (except for Kacey)
Sometimes people exhibit passive aggressive coz of jealousy, pride, ego, inferiority complex, fakness
Thank you so much for this! So accurate and I never realised that all of these various behaviours are forms of passive aggression. I have been on the receiving end of all of them - many during my former marriage which was intolerable. This video validates my experiences. Sadly also the silent treatment and a couple of others were chronic behaviours of my mum when I was growing up. Really messes you up inside. I really appreciate also your clear distinction between intentional and non intentional pa. As my parents exhibited this behaviour - one thru silence and dismissiveness, the other thru controlling behaviours and disapproving scary face, I had no choice but to learn to use such behaviours myself as I knew no better ways of communicating. I hate pa and being pa now and do try to not behave that way. Thanks so much!
I feel really the same. I'm older and I've just come to the conclusion that most people dont have basic manners. I dont have a toleration for personal relationships that make me work too hard at figuring out what they are doing.
If it's a work related I remember why they chose this career path and it was not because they had people skills.
I'm exhausted from trying to please everyone to a clinical level. So pace yourself. We attract narcissists .
I recently discovered your channel and I've already listened to many of your talks. It's interesting and comforting to find out someone you don't know, who lives in another part of the world and has experienced different situations, thinks similar about certain things. Even better, this 'someone' is a man who grew up in a different culture and country where the thinking scheme is so way different (I'm from Mexico); which proves that these geographical and biological differences are superficial and don't prevent humans to have deep connections with others, even when they occur through Internet.
So, thank you Clay, keep up the awesome work. Stay focused, stay calm.
Here's an example from a recent break up with a passive aggressive cover narcissistic. I told him "I don't like the way you treat me I deserve better than this". His response was, "I really hope you get what what you think you deserve."
When it’s a family member, the no tolerance becomes difficult. Although, I’ve mentioned my concerns, things get better for a bit and then return to usual. But, I agree with you. I’m a tell it like it is kind of person. So when I have to deal with behaviors that aren’t welcoming it feels like a hurtle. Straight shooter is the only way for me.
The silent treatment can also be because in the moment you feel so hurt that you just shut down. You don't know what to say oe you'll start crying and then people will think you're overreacting so you just go away for a bit to calm down and maybe sort out your feelings first.
...and then come back to resolve or discuss the issue at hand.
When I go silent, it is because the other person is refusing to solve a problem with me. I’m not going to pretend it is all cool when it is not. I have people in my life who just want to scrape conflicts under the rug and pretend all is good. I’m not doing that.
Yep
Yes, what would be the alternative as a huge percentage of people shun communication. I want to dance and harmonize. I don’t want to be abused or abuse anyone. I feel torn.
Or they don't listen to you. They interrupt when you try to talk. They do not hear what you are saying when you do talk. They tell you why you are wrong, the end. There is not point in talking. It is just more pain.
When someone is being very cold and dismissive , even in a brief business encounter it truly affects me as an empath. Like you said at the end of your video , I call it out now and have almost zero tolerance for it I find it an infuriating attempt to manipulate another person and the situation !
I just want to point out that when someone who's generally warm and friendly towards you suddenly starts acting cold and dismissive for no apparent reason, it can also be a flag that that person is in distress.
Geneviève Carine Robert Oh my ,
I need to clarify. I was referring to someone I never met who’s job it was to assist me and be of service !
It was completely inappropriate in every level and I did report her to the director of the company !
She was not any one who I ever met before !
My child’s mom , likes to text pages on top of pages , going back and forth from positive
Comments about loving me , followed by all the negative things I do wrong in the relationship and how hard she works
To
Keep
Us together . . Leaves me
Confused but I’m getting the hang of it .
Great summary. I've found that if someone does one of those things they're capable of doing them all. Clay is SO right. You must call it out immediately. Be direct. Or else they'll just do it in another way. The first time they stonewall you, call them out! Saves time and trouble you might waste on someone who will only make you miserable.
I am a repeat violator of passive aggressive behavior lol. I lack the social skills to always communicate directly what I want or how I feel, but in reality I take it out on myself by getting quiet and withdrawing or withholding because I'm not finding any joy in it. I hate that because it's not fair to my partner, and I work on it. But he's a Leo...we may have fights soon.
Thank you for this video. I have been aware of being, or just feeling, passive-aggressive at times. In the heat of the moment the best I could manage to derail my toxic inclinition was to quit the situation. It's such a revolting behavioral tendency that I didn't want to deal with it. Your comments on helplessness and fear resonated. Your insights give me a starting point for analyzing what I can change in myself before directing toxicity outward.
I've met a lot of passive-aggressive people throughout my life with malicious intentions, really hurt me. But I do recognize several of these characteristic in myself. It does create a worse relationship as time goes.
At least you are honest which is what can’t be said about most of the people commenting who don’t balance both sides of the argument.
@@grumpyschnauzer I agree, the cycle of passive-aggression is really dangerous especially when it is not recognized. Although, after recognizing the cycle, we must end it. We must not stop improving when we realize the cycle we are in. We are responsible for stopping passive-aggressiveness in ourselves; if not, it could result in hurting our loved ones and ourselves.
These are my thoughts on this, sorry for a long rant. I felt the urge to comment because I also had this experience. However, after recognizing I was in a cycle of passive-aggression. I didn't do anything to stop it. It continued to hurt me and my loved ones further.
I appreciate your side notes so much
These are really great points that I'd never considered before. Thank you!💕
hey just wanted to say that neurodivergent people often do things that are on this list unintentionally and without anything being wrong, so it is even more important to tell people when something is hurtful to you because they may not know if you are upset, and even if they do, they may not know the cause of it. i know this from experience btw, i’m autistic and i have adhd and after watching this i realized that i do many of the things on this list and i had no idea they could be interpreted as a form of aggression, i’m glad i came across this video so i could keep that in mind and try to change some of these behaviors if possible.
Was about to say this. Be kinder to people on the spectrum, please, and ASK if you’re in doubt!
Thanks for this video; it resonated with me. The ultimate way for a passive-aggressive person to say'no' without saying 'no' is to say 'yes', then just not do it. Like the time my ex agreed to pick up our daughter at the airport but went out drinking instead. Typical for him; I think the 'reward' for him came from being the nice guy by agreeing to do something. Once he got the warm-fuzzies he didn't see the need to actually do the thing he promised. To his great surprise, that usually got him in a heap of trouble. Go figure.
Yea be direct🤗
great video. i like the part about not accepting and calling out a passive aggressive behavior. What would be your response to a close person that is giving all kinds of reasons and explanations denying their passive-agressiveness or they try to prove correctness of their behavior after you call them out? Or maybe even how do you call them out on it in the first place?
I am currently living in my cousin's house who has almost all these traits, as an Infj I am trying my best not to absorb all the negative energy they have especially the silent treatment when they have fight and the intentional annoyance of my 9 yr. old nephew everytime he doesn't get what he wanted, I am so done. I promised myself I'll get out of here after my online class is finished. 😩 Thanks for a great video Clay! 😊
🤗🙏🕊❤
So you must've had all this as an experience. This is incredibly on point. Thank you
Great talk. Truly transcendent. When you see it.. and it may have all sorts of motivations... What I have have experienced .. passive aggressives ruin so much of what they touch... Passive aggression becomes the default coping mechanism ... You become the easy excuse. Competence saves you .
Excellent video. Thank u posting this and laying it out in such a clear, organized manner. I’m endlessly fascinated by this type of behavior as I always seem to attract these types of people.
Thank you Clay - you have a lot of insight I love the way you described « ruining your vibe » it took me decades (I’m 57) to learn personally what you are saying.
I lived with a passive aggressive man for twenty years until I found out what it was. I nearly went crazy. It's horrible to live with a passive aggressive person. He is a hideous man. Laughs, smirks, verbal abuse,. He was helpless and would say tell me what to do and Ill do it ...followed by you can't tell me what to do! He lied, 'forgot' important things. Sadly, my children have learned those behaviours too. I found my self esteem and left. His hideous father was the same. He learned it from him. It needs to be taken more seriously.
You describe this very well...
Learned helplessness 😤 that really annoys me. Once I start picking up that someone is doing that I let them know they'll still be called on to do what they need to!! So it's up to them how they show up. Funny how they eventually "learn" to do the thing properly!
Thank you for that. My gf is a passive-aggressive and it got me into terrible state. Thanks for sharing that and making me realize the situation
I have a passive-aggressive mother, I have always found it very hard to see through and have never inwardly come to terms with it. She is a hopeless case.
I really appreciated the information in this video and you seem like one of the least passive-aggressive people ever.
Look, in short, passive aggressive IS ABUSE and you don't have to study the subject to know when someone is being that way. But you do need to be willing to tell someone goodbye if they start to be that way towards you at around you.
My husband is a mechanical engineer that pretends he can't cook. He pretty much refuses to pitch in and help with cooking whatsoever. He just won't do it. Even though I have expressed how upset I am about it and how angry and bitter I am. He's still refuses to help. Talk about weaponized incompetence.
What a great video Clay. So many need to hear your message that you’ve shared. Thanks for taking the time to share your personal insights with us all.
HEy! I learned something new today! Thanks, Clay..
This is causing some self reflection for me.
Being passive aggressive is not something I want to be. I can see times I've done it and why its counterproductive.
This is the best video on this I’ve ever seen because all of these things happened to me with someone I was dating. It broke me.
This dude is refreshing to listen to. Also to look at.👍
The silent treatment is sometimes the ONLY thing left to you when you've trued repeatedly to discuss a topic and resolvecsn issue but the other person refuses to engage or rages at you with total non related nonsense and you can't walk away from the situation. Then ONLY thing left is to withdraw and not talk to the person because they are so toxic.
The problem with passive aggressive people is they will reflect there own guilt and accuse others of their own behaviour no matter how you try to resolve the issue.
They will always hold you responsible and accountable but not tell you they're doing this.
I'm 52 and had to deal with passive aggressive behaviour far too many times in my life. Thankfully most people I've known are passive aggressive but the ones that are cast a massive cloud over everything. They are like a pair of really smelly socks left in the corner of the room they make the whole room smell.
Learned helplessness- disguising a refusal to learn something someone doesnt want to learn.
Great video, thank you! There is another definition of learned helpless that results from being victimized. A metaphorical example would be an elephant that is tied up its' entire life. When the rope is finally removed the elephant goes nowhere as it has learned that it is helpless.
As a retired psychologist I always thought of passive aggression fairly simply as aggressing by doing nothing, or by not doing something. My ex husband provided my favorite example: I wanted to have a small party, our few friends, a couple of nice young people I'd met at college, and a relative or two. I passed this by him, and he didn't indicate any problem (which was enthusiasm, for him). When the people were due to start coming, he ensconced himself in his Lazy-Boy chair and read a book the entire evening, totally ignoring everyone throughout the party, which flowed around him, quietly very pleasant. Fortunately the attendees looked at him at first, puzzled, then kind of shrugged and proceeded to enjoy the evening. He never, ever commented on that party. But I never had another one. And I've never been able to handle passive aggressive people without very high stress.
Had to tell my 33 year old son not to ever get passive aggressive with me. I'm older and much better at it
You could have told him he is good at being passive aggressive.............for a 33 year old
Touché
I live in Latin America where is very difficult for women to speak our minds and not being considered as bitches, bad humored, or "difficult". I am 33 years old and I have promised myself that I will always speak my mind, even if someone gets upset for it. I have learned that people that cannot deal with my real feelings or thoughts do not deserve to be in my life and sooner than later it becomes a heavy weight that cut my wings to fly.
Excellent Synopsis, Clay!
My boyfrined does all of these hes INSANE.
Great topic. Seems like passive aggression is on the rise, probably right in line with the rise in narcissism and the extreme polarity were seeing in the world. One question I have though, is....I think there must be a different word for what you're describing as "learned helplessness"...maybe "feigned helplessness"?
The definition I'm familiar with for "learned helplessness" is:
"a condition in which a person suffers from a (real) sense of powerlessness, arising from a traumatic event or persistent failure to succeed. It is thought to be one of the underlying causes of depression".
Victims of narcissistic "caregivers" can suffer from this and it's not about passive aggression. They have literally learned that they cannot succeed because they've tried repeatedly and been literally undermined and prevented from succeeding via many tactics, subtle or overt, to the point that they truly feel helpless...and this feeling can become internalized and persist long after the abuse.
I think passive aggression is pretty darn common, and it's always about getting one's perceived needs met. I think the difference between "common" passive aggression (which is not to imply "normal" or "healthy")and "toxic" passive aggression comes down to whether someone truly WANTS to be direct and is doing whatever they feel is possible to do so...or even someone who is part of a family dynamic in which this is just "the relational pattern they're all stuck in, whereas "toxic" passive aggression is someone who is just lazy, predatory or manipulative and is just "gaming" others....usually due to some personality disorder.
"Feigned helplessness" (this is not an official term, I don't think, but one I made up) is more what you're describing here...
Hooray for demanding directness! Of course we can't always know the true intentions of others' actions without a bit of discussion, but if we "suspect" passive aggression there's always a way to deal with it without accusing them of passive aggression. Some one feigning helplessness? Let them know you're not buying it and why...(and of course giving them the opportunity to fill in any "potential" gaps in our understanding of the situation) Still not buying it?. Let them know and move on. Someone leave a dish in the sink? Do NOT react (it's what they want and will train them to keep doing it) Just calmly remind them what the rule is and go on about your day. If it keeps happening, set aside a few minutes to ask them why they're doing it (maybe there's some explanation?...or maybe they ARE pissed off about something, in which case, if they're not willing to be direct about it, just take their word for it anyway...on go back to what you're doing. Do NOT spend more than a couple of minutes attempting to have a direct conversation...If you're getting pulled into more games, that's just rewarding and reinforcing them.
I have to admit, I'm still working on this.. have been for years... with certain people I feel a level of "stuck-with" but I have minimized contact I told someone once, more than twenty years ago "if this makes me a bitch than I'm a PROUD bitch!" :))
I'll have to look into the word 'learned helplessness'. In my readings it was used in this way, but there's always the chance there's a better word to describe what I mean.
Feigned helplessness is on point!
You are describing "HUMANITY"...
Socialising. Ancient survival technique
Great video. I agree with requiring direct communication of anyone these days. Why live with emotional bullshit, eh?? I used direct communication on my sister and when I quietly said NO she immediately began vigorously violating my boundaries with “but she likes you better; she doesn’t like me as much as she likes you”. And on and on. It was curious how much her demeanor amped up when she finally grasped the multiple NOs while we were sitting in a full coffeehouse.
Also a note on the “learned helpless” wording; I see other comments and agree that It is not learned helplessness. As you said in the video, they’re pretending. It is Feigned helpless. It is a control to make you believe they are incompetent. I guarantee if they lived alone they’d figure out ASAP how to do the things they pretend not to be capable of doing. It is more likely that they already know how to do it.
The cure for cleaning issues is this (I do this still when necessary): “You missed a spot.” Or “that’s not clean, I can see the grease/dirt.” And I stand there while they redo.
I am not mean about it. But I am firm.
Honestly I'm definitely a passive and indirect attacker but I'm not passive aggressive because I rather address the problem directly at the person that created the problem in the first place which is the reason why I'm extremely blunt and brutally honest especially in the workplace
INFJ here. Why is it every time that I go to assert myself I feel like I need to get ready to engage in mortal combat potentially? I think it's because that under the surface of the rules and code of conduct we have in society, there's always that reptile brain in some that isn't suppressed very well. People can release pressure in strange and dangerous ways. I agree with Clay that people pleasing is bad. I dunno 😕. Just stay fit and keep practicing jiu-jitsu. 👍
Great content Clay, just what I needed. Dealing with this in my romantic relationship rn.
A truly insightful video. I learnt a lot from it 👍👍
I wish people would understand these behaviors more
I really enjoyed watching your video just now. You have some great examples of passive aggressive behaviors. I had some distractions right now with the holiday weekend so will listen again to your video tomorrow before I add further commentary that comes to mind to it. What I heard of your video was spot on! I deal with a passive aggressive MIL who I think from my armchair psych view over the last few year of her relatively minor abuse is a covert narcissist. It's troublesome to say the least. She is NOT obvious in the BS she does, but I have put the pieces of the wacky puzzle together over time. It's pathetic.
Clay, would you consider doing a vid on how to confront passive aggressive behavior?
perhaps - what specifically are you having trouble with?
@@ClayArnall mainly issues within friendships, i try to bring things up directly whenever i have something that has hurt me and i have a friend right now who has refused to discuss things with me before but in a very passive aggressive way..... I often feel like the overly sensitive one, or even naggy. Because i am the only one addressing anything,"feeling stuff". My mbti is infp if that is useful.
@@somethinggood9267 I think the problem is so few people are actually capable of being a good friend according to an INFJ or an INFP. It’s quite possible there is no way to ‘fix’ other people according to what you think is wrong. You can let them know your wishes and thoughts but they still have to chose to participate in the relationship willingly. Sometimes we spend so much time trying to make a certain relationship work when maybe the best solution is to put our energy elsewhere into different relationships that have a higher chance of being fulfilling.
@@ClayArnall i think you make some good points, there have definitely been times where i have tried to persuade people to love me. Or stick around even if im not treated well. I think it can be hard for me to know when to draw the line and walk away, because of guilt and perceived obligation to loyalty. Im just now learning about boundaries lol. Hey thanks for taking the time to answer me and helping me mull things over : ) love your channel btw.
Hes like an angel
Your video was spot on!!!!!!!
Thank you for this video!
I live with a passive aggressive. We have been together 30 years. I tend to be bluntly honest and assertive, borderline aggressive. Polar opposites. I can tell you how he will respond to just about everything. He can tell you that I will call out the behavior, every time. How have we done it all these years? He has to give in and I have to give in. That's it. 😂
Hey thank you for such a great lesson. I hear these examples but you really did a good job at explaining the different reasons and idiosyncrasies that go along with them and how different the source for the exact same behavior comes from.
excellent video
I clicked on this podcast because I really wasn't sure what passive aggressive behavior looks like. Sadly, I realize that I've been subjected to it a LOT! Now, I have to figure out how to deal with it maturely & effectively.
Great video. Thank you.
Put two women who are the same age but different seniority. It’s a movie.
This is so amazing.
Thank you for making this video 🖤
I have this tendency too.. I ma unable to express my anger and negative feeling coz my parents used to punish me if I express my true negative feelings 😢😢
i feel like some of these apply to me. i usually expect people to just know why i am mad at them rather than confronting them and telling them about how i actually feel. I avoid conversations when i am mad because i feel like i might be being overdramatic but there actions still hurt me and i dont want them to start hating me either so i just avoid them altogether. i guess its kind of a coping mechanism.
Good stuff, thank you
Excellent! Thank you.
If you already know that someone suffers from your passive agressiveness, like the partner in that example, you are banking on them having childhood trauma from a parent using this tactic to educate a kid, withdrawal of love. All for you to be coddled, that is selfishness, not love.
I find the best way to deal with passive agressiveness is calling it out, saying that you see them acting badly and for what reason. Or keep watching and ignoring it and play the long game, patiently waiting for the passive aggressive person to implode.
Great video thanks!
but you can also tell by how they accuse you of it. It is on their mind. So lets say im 5 minutes late, really because the train didnt go at all and i would have been half an hour early had it run on schedule. And then in between the lines you pick up on them thinking you came late on purpose to let them wait. They dont believe you. My thought would be: aha whenever you are late that would be the reason. People judge you based on how they are. So I found out that if someone doesnt seek hidden agendas and presumes your telling it like it is without triagulating or adressing an issue you really just want to improve that particular issue and you're not only saying it to make them look bad etc etc: if someone is automatically going for the most honest uncomplicated option (unless its really recurrent or obvious) ; that is usually how they are themselves. So I"ve been falsely accused of passive agressiveness and it was only by people that turned out to be the worst themselves. I've stopped prooving that my intentions are clear: its just a sign theirs are not. The ones that want you to bend over backwards to proove you are trustworthy: are not worth it themselves.
Well said.
I love being direct and unfortunately Passive-Aggression people are around me daily and deplete my energy so much.
Passive aggressive examples. Family member sleeps on sofa all evening, every evening and demanding quiet. (No TV or music) They should just go to bed. Great control technique without even having to speak. Shows a lot of contempt.
Ugh! I catch myself doing this (without evil intent) when I am not feeling well sometimes. I do it to avoid bringing emotions into the picture when I don't feel well and might magnify their importance or "set him off" in some way. Or if something is blatantly obvious, but he's oblivious. If he asks "what's wrong?" then I feel safe telling him, but then worry if I have alienated him.
The unresolved issue is, a few months ago 3 pairs of my reading glasses went missing on the same day. I had 5 and they were left in their usual places. They are dollar-store glasses, not $$valuable but necessary. That day, my best friend and one of his best friends were the only visitors at the house. My friend was never unsupervised, but his was. So I while I don't think this was malicious (a childish joke?), it happened, and the glasses still haven't showed up. There were means and opportunity, but no motive....he claims no knowledge....I have a place for everything and everything in its place, so this is the example of "obvious/oblivious" mentioned in the long ramble above. :) Now I lock up everything.
SO useful
The silent treatment won't work on me. A family member of mine uses it and now i'm immune. Freedom! No talking to your toxic behind yaay!
Just an interesting note: in Catholicism gossip is a sin principally against the eighth commandment: you shall not bear false witness against your neighbour. Everyone has a right to a good name and gossip undermines or even destroys another's reputation.
My mom and me moved with a family member till we get on our feet. I always thought this person was really genuinely nice every time we would visit them. But as time passed by they weren’t who they made themselves out to be. I don’t know if it’s passive aggressive but my mom would buy groceries and my family member would too but she would let my mom groceries spoil before theirs does. We left a month and half to visit my mom’s sister and before she left told my family member to use the milk and other groceries before they go to waste. They kept quiet and didn’t say anything. We recently got back and lo and behold the milk was in the fridge rotten for more than a month and fruit as well. We don’t feel welcomed anymore and they certainly don’t say it but they don’t feel comfortable with us there either. Is that considered passive aggressive? While we were out they organized our stuff to the garage and put our produce in the garage fridge. Basically telling us our stuff isn’t wanted in the main fridge. We’re hoping to leave asap.
I hope this response finds you in a much more loving and joyful, safe and secure home❤
@@doricetimko5403thank you ☺️ we finally have our own home and are happier. Your kind words mean a lot. Thank you. 😊
you explain it so well
Are you sure learned helplessness is the correct term for what you're describing? Because the learned helplessness I learned about in psychology classes is totally different -- it's when people learn that they are unable to do something at a certain time and in a certain context, and then that belief sticks with them so that they truly believe themselves to be helpless when they, in fact, aren't. The usual example goes like this (trigger warning for animal cruelty!): if you tie a baby elephant to a post using rope, and let him exhaust himself trying to break free, he will eventually give up. As the elephant grows, he will never again try to break free of the rope, despite having the physical strength to do so easily. In that example, the individual experiencing learned helplessless is the victim (the elephant); the person using learned helplessness as a manipulation technique is the elephant trainer.
I agree there seems to be two definitions for this term out there. I might do a bit more research to see if there's a better word for what I was describing.
Could the silent treatment be a door slam as well? You have tried to work out a difference and the other person won’t budge, so you close the door but it looks like a silent treatment? I know that I’ve done that before. But then I did have a narcissistic mother, so am I also picking up on behavior I learned from her? Idk. I try to not do it, but there are some people you want out of your life.
A door slam is something different. A door slam is an end to a relationship follows by an enforced boundary. Being silent is only passive aggressive if you’re trying to communicate something through your silence. Or you’re trying to show your displeasure to get some kind of a response.
Clay, do you do consultations, or can you help me pick apart an event that happened 12 months ago. I was called passive aggressive by someone, when I thought I was being honest and trying to gently set a boundary about some conduct this person had engaged in for a few years prior. I've spent a year googling the words "passive aggressive" to find out if what I said was.
But where it's landed me, is that I'm left thinking this person has been passive aggressive frequently to a number of people.
Things got really horrible, and I got into what HG Tudor refers to as a "cliff fightback" (I think? Maybe I'm the abusive one?).
It's really bugging me, and I don't know if they were in the wrong, if I was in the wrong, or if we both were.
It's basically asking if you could do a conversation analysis. Obviously I'd pay you for your time, as that's only fair and proper, plus I'll make anonymous everyone involved.
I am living with someone who has been breaking my things "accidentally" for the last 3 years. A lot of my plates / bowls are chipped, including my favourite pasta dishes, that he knows are my favourite. I finally realised that only MY crockery is getting chipped, the crockery HE brought into the relationship is perfect.
Break one of his plates over his head
@@kimalonzo3363 Well, I am no longer living with him! 😆
@@Queen-of-Swords awesome 👌