3 Unlikely Ways to Shut Down a Passive-Aggressive Conversation
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- Опубликовано: 23 сен 2019
- Stop playing these shady, passive-aggressive games! Right? It's not that easy.In this episode, you'll hear three better ways for you to bring clarity to a conversation that is going down that shady, #passiveaggressive path.
HIGHLIGHTS OF TODAY'S EPISODE:
- Passive-aggressive words and behaviors are sneaky ways of trying to exert power over you.
- Why when one person stops playing the passive-aggressive game, the game has to end.
- Why you need to speak up
- How to speak up
If you have a relationship with someone--a friend, parent, sibling, partner, co-worker--whose weapon of choice is a passive-aggressive remark or behavior, you know just what I'm talking about in today's episode. Their comment hits you and, at first, it almost sounds logical, and maybe even justified. But, then you realize that you're confused and strangely annoyed...and, it all happened in a split second.
Passive-aggressive strike!
What a passive-aggressive person says is not neutral. It's charged with underlying anger, often in the form of resentment or entitlement that the speaker may not even recognize or admit to. That anger is often hidden in the way the words are delivered. Sometimes, it's served up while the person looks you straight in the eyes, defying you to make a fuss.
Is this at all familiar?
Then, these three ways to respond that can slowly put an end to either the passive-aggressive behavior, or to them thinking they are ever going to get away with it, will help you.
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I am Dr. Rhoberta Shaler, The Relationship Help Doctor.
I offer relationship advice for dealing with difficult issues and relentlessly difficult people.
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Giving us examples is soooo helpful. Immediately I feel relief that someone else in this world actually knows this is a real thing and dispels the trap they get you in...doubting and second guessing yourself.
Something I tried out this morning was to simply walk away from the person, thus terminating the interaction. That felt good to me.
It can be trauma based. If a child is physically or emotionally abused, they don’t feel safe being themselves and asking for what they want. They need to see they have a problem.
They’re just spoiled brats in adult form, basically. No one ever taught them how to ask a proper question with respect. This video sums up my marriage perfectly!
I can’t thank you enough for these practical methods! I’ve watched so many videos hoping to find ways to handle this behavior. Most other videos just define the behavior and then say to make sure not to shame and to have compassion or suggest leaving...sometimes that just isn’t an immediate option and the crazy continues!! Here you have given real ways to handle this horrible situation. I am so very grateful!!!
I'm so glad that you're finding value here. Yes, it can be a truly horrible situation.
I invite you to look at this, too: TransformingRelationship.com/circles
Very familiar. Just spent the weekend on a camping trip with this one. I was at a loss as to what to say with the repeated comments and ordering me around. Explaining the obvious as if I was a dumb child. Asking Yes/no questions. I played right into it and felt crappy about myself. Felt, smaller and smaller. Disappointed because I was hoping this aquantance could be a new camping buddy. Not worth the stress. But still need to learn how to stand up to people like this instead of me shutting down.
Your insights about your next best steps are right on! It's good that you were able to see the behaviors, learn from them, and move on. Yes, it can be so disappointing when you have hopes for a relationship.
I just spent 12 years in a marriage like this. Didn’t take long after I started standing up for myself, for the abuse to become malignant. Currently 2 months no contact! Hope you’re doing better now!
Thank you, it's good to hear that it's positive to recognize sooner, sneaky, underhanded attempt to get rid of me, and my protective care of toddler/preschool age grandbaby
You're welcome.
I have a sister who has this problem and we no longer talk to each other. 😢
My 84 yr mom is going a bit deaf and puts the tv a little too loud , my husband shuts the power off in the whole house bc the tv was loud My mom thought it was a power failure and calls my husband ... thinking he's at work telling him the power went out and the refrigerator is out too concerned about the food spoiling , he says I shut the power off bc I was trying to nap .. wtf nice son in law 😵💫I confronted him and he was embarrassed of his behavior .. passive aggressive at its finest ! 😂🤣
You're right: passive-aggressive...and in need of noise-cancelling earbuds if life is too noisy for him, right?
Oh Dear Dr. Rhoberta, it took *months* of research for me to finally understand a past partner's passive-aggressive behavior. I think my ex might even be on the extreme end for you to hear. He decided he would no longer answer "Yes" or "No" to questions "became I use his answers against him later." As in, I would ask him, "Can you take me to my doctor's appointment on X day at Y time?" when I was very sick & he would just shrug. I feel like outright refusing to give definitive answers because one knows they'll be expected to follow through is pretty extreme, but would love any other thoughts.
Is it passive aggressive if a person hangs in the house to where they can hear every conversation or activity you and others are involved in? Also, if they're not in the room or can't see or hear what's going on they come in your space and look for things that they can't find. If so, what response is needed to stop this behavior? It feels invasive but is not verbal.
It's passive-aggressive because it is indirect and sneaky. I'm sure it feels invasive...and a bit creepy, too. Have you tried setting boundaries with consequences?
Thank you!
You're welcome!
It's hard to see and stay mindful in this sort of exchange that can devolve into a dehumanizing, soul killing and just plain painful interpersonal pattern, that feels like the communicational opposite of love, empathy and goodness. This style seems like a way to cut off, build walls and never really share one's own truth or be direct regarding needs and wants. Why does the passive aggressive person decide that It's just too much to reveal oneself with an honest disclosure like: Sweetheart, I am all comfy and settled in our bed now and would like to stay put. Would you mind turning the light off on your way to bed?
Then the partner can make an informed choice and choose to indulge the other by turning off the light or refuse.
Yes, your example would be healthier, for sure. Passive-aggression is about subtle control: getting you to do something satisfies them.
Very well put into words. Well said
"The communicational opposite of love..." Wow. Spot on. I enjoy all these conversations of how other people put into words what usually can only be a feeling. Again well said
You are amazing Rhoberta!! ♥️🥰
Lets talk about the workplace passive agressive coworker. I'm on board with being assertive in hopes if keeping boundaries but THEN...in doing so you turn into the bad guy, the passive aggressive coworker disguises the bad behavior under the claok of religion yet is the first to gossip, talk trash, complain & give the silent treatment. And they end up painting pictures of you as not a team player, and in MOST INSTANCES they're always the first ones to go running to the Manager to tattletale on you. I'm so sick of women in the workplace if women can't leave their emotional aggressions at the door stay home and don't work! Working with women is the worst! This situation is so loaded with cleverly disguised personality conflicts, superiority complex, queen-bee personality, and all disguiseed under religion which makes it easy for them to behave this way. It would take hours to unpack it all to find a starting place. These types are soooo good at behaving like this they usually have everyone so fooled at how "nice" they are - its almost putrid. I sit and watch this every day at work & catch the juvenile and silent treatment. I'm amazed that it goes on but since they're buddy buddy with the Mnanager not much would get addressed.
Would bedside lamps help? How ridiculous.
How about when someone says who is going to turn off the light? You just say you sucka
Not a great response...as you likely know!
I'm happy to be alone!
Tragic but it's true. Pure relief!!!Makes you not want to ever dip your toe in that pond again.
I had a situation of a girl (age 22) that i rarely talk to just cause we dont sync or very different ppl , and she came to me ( admittedly while i was already a bit pissed off from somthing else that happened that day) and tried to teach me or lecture me on how to preserve my own herbal plants, now i stopped her mid talk amd told her i know how to preserve it and if id wanna do that i will. And she turned around and said " oh so you dont want to be my friend " whlie walking away . and i was a bit confused cause i usually dont decide or persume about another persons thoughts about me.
Was this passive aggresive or was i just being a dick by not lettting her say what she wanted to say even though it was about my plants my choices, and me not just letting her say what i already know.
Now we rarely talk about once a month and its mostly hy or good morning.
That's an example of "all-or-nothing" thinking! She could be going to the worst case scenario immediately in her head when anything she perceives as rejection is experienced. Many people who have been raised by Hijackals do this.
@@ForRelationshipHelp thnx now i know whats a hijackal( heard the other clip)
And she is a hijackal , even when wrong she will some how be either right or a victim cause i am right so i loose no matter what especialy when there are others around but rarely in private
I have a dual holster that carries sarcasm; the silent treatment, and I'm ready to use them, when necessary.*
So, are you saying that you are the passive-aggressive one?
@@ForRelationshipHelp Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire. I'm not the aggressor: I'm the one defending myself from the aggressor.
What if you're late for everything including things you stand to gain from and that don't involve anyone else?
Depression inertia, ADHD?
Is sarchasm considered PA?
Yes, sarcasm is considered passive-aggressive. It is a low form of anger, usually.
If you're late for everything, you may have a few things in your past that operate to keep you from things that are good for you, engaging for you, and worthwhile doing. It can be sabotaging.
Not knowing you, I can't venture a guess at what might be underlying.
Love your channel. Hey somebody commercials. I just unsubscribed. Sorry it sucks.