How to Work with a Passive-Aggressive Coworker | The Harvard Business Review Guide
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- Опубликовано: 17 май 2024
- They’re not being a jerk on purpose, and if you can understand what motivates them you’ll find a better way to co-exist, and maybe even thrive.
00:00 First, some good news and bad news about passive-aggressive coworkers.
00:42 Do these bad behaviors sound familiar?
01:10 Let’s define the term “passive-aggressive.”
01:32 Why are they behaving this way?
02:52 Tip 1: Avoid calling them “passive-aggressive.”
03:33 Tip 2: Focus on what they’re trying to say.
04:26 Tip 3: Don’t take the bait.
05:37 Tip 4: Get support from the team.
07:04 OK, let’s review!
The tips in this Harvard Business Review Guide come from Amy Gallo’s book, “Getting Along: How to Work with Anyone (Even Difficult People)”, available here: www.amazon.com/Getting-Along-...
Produced by Amy Gallo and Scott LaPierre
Video by Andy Robinson
Design by Riko Cribbs, Alex Belser, and Karen Player
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![Bob Sutton: How to Outwit Workplace Jerks [Entire Talk]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/wFTkQmPw2Gk/mqdefault.jpg)
Being understanding & nice will lead you to bullying. They know what they're doing
People will always be as shitty as they can be if they feel like it. My coworker was being PA in his communications to me today and it really wasn’t helpful. It has been going on for months so I will speak respectfully with his boss about it and ultimately with him about his communication style and how it makes it difficult for me to understand him
All these stupid videos coddling idiots who should really just be fired. Mostly negative personalities that get shuffled from job to job.
My exact thoughts, trying to be nice leads to me walking around eggshells and they still do it when they’re in a bad mood so yeah pretty much
yeah. It is called a "bitch test" - dont fail it. The same tactic they use in dangerous neighborhoods to see how far they can push you/take advantage of you.
I don't care about their feelings. If they have a problem they need to grow up and say it. Its a workplace not a daycare center.
Lotta grown up guys do this cuz they rely on their wife/gf like a crutch in life big boy conversations make them timid
"I'm glad we're still on the same page...." hahahahahaha. Hows that not passive aggressive? It's dripping with sarcasm! I'm totally stealing that
what’s frustrating is, human behaviors are very complex and shaped by their own experiences. everyone will not get along. occasionally we run across people we just don’t like no matter how nice or “okay” they may seem - and that’s okay! there are people that simply give me anxiety and i hate being around them, but they for whatever reason like to crowd my space. if you tell them go away, you’re rude and creating a hostile work environment and singling people out. lol it’s a work in progress. i am getting better at boundaries, that’s another win!
Unfortunately, passive aggression is a necessary job skill. I have a coworker, who is extremely passive aggressive with me & one other coworker. “Sue” is very knowledgeable & effective in her job as our receptionist, scheduler & insurance expert. Our supervisor sees Sue as a highly valuable employee. This means our supervisor will NOT deal with Sue’s negative behavior. Once Sue decides she does NOT like someone, she uses non-verbal behavior to convey her disdain. I have found the best way to deal with Sue is to ignore her, as she ignores me. I pretend everything is fine when I have to interact with her. I always try to speak to her when another person is present. This forces Sue to behave appropriately, which I find quite amusing.
Tip - check out the four tips from the video, especially the first, about "labels".
I’m dealing with the exact same situation except my coworker is quite nasty in front of the board to the people she doesn’t like. They just let her. Luckily, I don’t have to work directly with her too often! 😮
You’re not helping the situation at all.
it's getting more common in the workplace.
one thing people do is, when a person brings in say ... some iced coffees just across the town into work, but they purposely leave some one out.
I firmly do not believe "your colleague is probably not trying to be a jerk on purpose" that's the obvious goal to make another coworker miserable.. on purpose.
1000% !!
5:57 - I actually tried this and was reported to management as being a gossip, even when my teammates agreed the person’s behavior was counterproductive.
These 'strategies' will only work in a situation where the passive aggressor ISN'T a toxic pathological narcissist. Passive aggressive behavior is a clear indicator and telltale sign of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, NPC. Which is on a spectrum of varying degrees of NPC. The best strategy is to completely ignore these people and have either zero contact or as little as possible interaction with [them]. Grey rocking and or indifference to their antics is an alternative to be able to 'deal' with them. Try to completely disengage from people who exhibit a pattern of passive aggressive behavior. Good luck everyone.
Yep!!
And it’s great to read all these reality-informed comments👌🏻
Right 🎯 But I do think you have to push back and stand your ground
Your video was great and I really enjoyed it. I will add one note to it though, at least in my opinion. Unfortunately, there are individuals at work that may not be highly skilled at their jobs. As a result, they may behave passive aggressive in order to retain their jobs, and/or eliminate competition
I knew someone who was good at being self-deprecating while actually targeting you with their hostility.
Very useful information. Thanks for sharing. Looking for more valuable videos from you.
I work hard enough to not want to analyze so much about what motivates a co-worker's lack of professionalism. I too just have 24 hours in my day.
I've learned that a cold shoulder goes a long way in making people introspect.
You are very matured.
Being the Boss: The 3 Imperatives for Becoming a Great Leader," you should read this book , it would tells you that you might be wrong friend .
@@anischorfi1027 thanks Anis. When you want to suggest something to someone, give them more substantial a reason to want to do it. Anyone can throw around the title of a book to want to sound smart. If the book has impressed you so much, surely you can write a sentence or two about why. Grow up out of the internet hit and run game, my friend.
@@WithinMyLane apparently he's right about you, since it's obvious that you can't accept constructive criticism.
@@guy0784 thank you for figuring me out based on RUclips comments. I'm better off not taking baseless criticism from people who don't know me and whom I don't know sufficiently to attach any value to their rants. You do you, Don Quixote
Thanks for sharing this great advice.
I’m dealing with a coworker who is in charge of my schedule, though she is not my boss who has been very passive aggressive about owning her error about not scheduling me appropriately despite me being proactive of letting her know that I was missing a tschedule day a week before it became an issue.
My boss volunteered (I didn't ask her to do it) to take a look at my resume to give me suggestions because she knows I am looking to move to a different department. She also agreed to give me a good reference but so far has repeatedly "forgotten" to read the resume even after I have reminded her. She also made up a lame excuse to cancel my monthly one on one after I reminded her that she volunteered to read it. Classic passive aggressive. Why bother to volunteer to do something if you don't really want to do it?
Tip 4 is pretty toxic. This always leads to gossip when you could actually be in the wrong.
Great advice- thanks!
You can confront a passive aggressive person until they are compelled to be openly aggressive.
This video is not good. I'm wanting to know how to combat this without punching them. They know wtf they are doing
I use email because I don't want to talk to anyone. Don't be calling me.
Interesting take on very real situations at work!
Sometimes, communication via email is sought so there's a record of what was said. There's been many times where something was said in a conversation that the other person no longer remembers or denies having happened. I prefer email so I have what was said in writing.
Speaking of passive-aggressive behavior at work, I want to ask something. My boss was upset I had signed up for a one-person shift, because she didn't think I could manage alone. She scolded a lower-ranking manager for not noticing I had signed up a coffee service. When she asked him if she thought I could do the shift, I answered for him with a firm "yes," because I felt belittled by her. She said she didn't think so, was all "I've told you not to sign up for shifts by yourself, I've been very clear about that, I don't know how much clearer I can get for you to listen" and she told me I need someone there to give me instructions and guide me. At that moment, this girl approached and said, "Hi. I work at [certain bakery] in Washington Street and we're looking for new workers. It's a great place to work, and the best part, the manager is _so_ nice." So I was all, "Thank you so much! I really appreciate it. I will look into it right after work."
Tell me, how passive-aggressive did I sound?
Erm …not passive aggressive at all?
Imo
Best not to hire them. We have Assessments for them. Random passive agression is something but passive agressive personalities should be screened out.
agreed! it destroys a workplace's morale
How do u screen a passive aggressive person?
Yes it’s driving me nuts when it’s the constant behavior.
Why do some of your conflict resolutions tips seem just like more of the same - passive aggressive?
Insightful advice on successfully handling such negative behaviour in the work place - A lot of patience is required often
,
Thank you Prof. Amy Gallo. It came. I am not sure if it came from you but it came. In behalf of my son and my grandson, I owe you and the organization you represent.
Securmedic let go of my son.
I guess... difficult times encourages difficult choices and actions to manifest... even amongst persons that are generally good. It's painful but things happen.
For one week, after my request, I kept watch over my son's training and work discreetly. One night, graveyard shift, purposely waking up, lights off, and with my ears pressed to the bedroom's wall, door just slightly ajar, I listened to my son pitch something to a digital virtual client with his trainers and supervisors present.
I know I could deliver a decent pitch. But not as good as the one I am hearing through these walls. Not even close. Not even my late father, a top insurance agent, whose pitching is my standard, reached the level I'm hearing through these walls (I learned later his trainors applauded). An irrepressible swelling surged from my chest. A mix of both envy and pride. I straightened up. Went back to bed and embraced my sleeping wife. Later, as I closed my eyes and went back to sleep, thinking of what my son just did, a tear rolled down my cheek. Contented. My grandson, his son's future is secured. If my brother's 2 children stay true to their wishes of not marrying or having children, then my grandson, from the family branch of my father, is.... the "last of the mohicans."
One must move forward. When a door closes, one must open new doors. Rather than wait for them to open for us. Would it be possible for your kind community to put in a good word for my son? He's applying for a VA post. Potential employer Mr. Anup Bahtra. Respectfully, I humbly harbor no expectations this time. I know my place. It's just a humble request. I understand these are difficult times.
... and the other one, by all indications, was also a dud. First my son was asked to work. As to pay..... they bring up hope and then they crush it. Cruel people.
Thank you!
Passive aggressiveness is cowardice. They fear confrontation
Yeah im not spending my time to think about their intentions and babysit their thoughts
This video assumes I care about anything they say.
Correct.
I always coutner passive aggression with just straight up regular aggression if ur gonna be mean to me at least have the guts to be mean outright
In practical we all face these situations.
I have 1 problem, when I m too understanding and willingly to understand their main point… they get more disrespectful… how to correct that ?
I have had a subordinate in this category for over two years. His behaviour was obviously intentional and worsened even after many verbal conversations. It really drained me emotionally and psychologically. To correct it, I started communicating to him my observations via email with my director and HR business partner in copy. Then in really extreme situations, I issued him queries also with those two people in copy. There was a lot of improvement in behaviour, though not a perfect relationship yet.
Good luck 👍
0:50 well it actully could be complement...
The most unbearable type is Canadian coworkers who are passive aggressive and outright rude because of arrogance or because it’s their style. I’d rather be homeless than suffer their abuse.
Japan is another example of that
Probably depends on the area of Canada. I know the people I least like to work with are from the New York City area (and that includes people from boroughs and Long Island). But a overly critical, mean spirited, back stabbing people (just listen to old archives of the Howard Stern Radio show, and you will see what I mean about how the coworkers attack each other, and attack guests, at least in the old days). Some of them are sadistic about it (they derive pleasure for it, makes them tick, Howard is the top of the heap, and when he finally saw the negative effect years later, he toned it down). As for Canadians the Tool review Channel Ave reminds me of what you are talking about (while he is very knowledgable, he is sometimes over the top, anyone can criticize a tool, if he is that smart why doesn't he start his own tool company band build something better, that is why I take comments from people like him with a grain of salt, although having to work/live with someone like that must be a nightmare).
My feelings are hurt. I would like for you to cover that topic. #cepv #IMustWin
thers always at least one
This background music, really annoys me
Very Interesting. Depending on your industry, passive-aggressive is a necessary skill set. In construction management you must sometimes pull the job along and also apply force and push it. I define it personally as being “situational.” Work is complex and if we are too focused on the nature of our coworkers, that equates to a loss of real productivity. If someone says something and we need to translate it a second time; he/she said this, but it really meant this - that is a issue and inefficient communication. Again, I guess it’s industry specific. In construction, “go and do this right now,” means exactly that, not, well he/she was pretty inconsiderate and was trying to insult me in disguise. Like the beginning of the video states, I’m sure we’ve all thought too deeply into things, I sure have. However, it is important to situationally regard and disregard as needed to fit the industry, situation, team, desired outcome, and long term goals and strategy.
Try that in your marriage, see how it works. Do not underestimate your co-workers's ability to assess your choices as a manager.
@Justin Lukas Totally agree. 👍🏾
exactly.
This hits home. My bosses name is Sean
This advice, although well intended, will not do much to resolve behavioural issues at work.
I'm not paid enough to put effort into productive communication with lame coworkers. Were unionized so it doesn't matter anyway .
Sorry, but some of this doesn't pass the smell test.....how does "a colleague not doing what they agreed to do" and "I don't know if you saw my email but...." become conflated with the same person? Maybe you not responding appropriately (regardless of medium) is the problem as opposed to the colleague's behavior.
Also, how is "a colleague not doing what they agreed to do" passive-aggressive at all? Sounds like just poor job performance.
And again, how are those "short, sweet" email response examples not returning the passive-aggressive behavior (because they're clearly looking for something substantive)? A "let's meet to discuss this" email is all that's needed because everything else is only leaving the person hanging (and thus, the problem festering).
Some good advice here on communication (picking up the phone, for example), but seems like it's given in a context of having actually already made up your mind that another person is acting up (and/or not taking your own "don't label" advice, even if just internally) instead of assuming the possibility that you have messed up and/or just lumping it into an emotional issue (as opposed to merely a performance issue).
Excellent points!
? Chances are you're gonna get it wrong anyway?
You are talking about narcissistic personality disorder traits. That is very complex problem. Solutions are not that simple.
So it could be said that Passive aggressiveness is a result of political correctness in the work environment. Since one can't be direct to others under the risk of make someone offended... Passive aggressiveness allows to express a feedback without openly breaking into an argument
Respectfully, I apologize for placing upon you a heavy burden. I wish to report to you that my son have found gainful and fulfilling employment elsewhere. I hope this message lifts up your heart, and persuades you to accept my heartfelt apologies for this uncalled for burden placed upon you before. May you and your family and love ones find peace and happiness always. May you all bloom forever. Regards... Emmanuel Matuco
I'm behaving passive-aggressively these days. It's cool sometimes to get rid of work overload
👍👏
I think if you start behaving passive aggressively at work it’s time for you to leave and go work on yourself instead of expecting others to accommodate the toxicity by doing your personal work for you
I am not your filter
‘Passive aggressive’, moi? M.
🌹🌹🌹
This is too pollyanna-ish. You would get eaten alive and spit out by a very skilled passive aggressive personality. The search for good input continues.
You need to stop saying ‘mad’ when what you mean is ‘angry’. M.
Don't get mad at her!😅
"We've all worked with that person, you know the one" - Yes, the office Karen that no one likes.
Passive aggressive is s defensive behavior. So dont make trouble to the introvert.