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Stop Defending Yourself To The Narcissist!
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- Опубликовано: 13 янв 2021
- One of the greatest wastes of psychic energy is defending yourself to a narcissist. Dr. Les Carter reminds you that narcissists are the very embodiment of defensiveness. It's what they are; it's what they do. So when you respond to them with your defensiveness, you have stepped into their swamp. As you commit to your good character, you can sidestep the defensive game altogether.
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Damn. I'm a narcissist 🤦♂️I thought it was social anxiety 🤷♂️
This defending by being a ‘good person’ does only works if your able to walk away. If your parents are narcissits...good luck walking on egg shells all the time and after a tantrum getting loved bombed.
You cant get out of this unless if its a person who is not a relative or a close one.
Thank you for this amazing session, I've learnt so much from you Doc. May God Bless you and your family too.
I noticed that at least 48 narc.s disliked this video.
@@trentsteel1542your being here is a rare and good sign in my book. Narracists aren't open to looking. No need to control and dominate. Good luck....life long journey.
“Stop defending yourself to a deeply dysfunctional person.” Yes! I’m on Team Healthy and a person of good character. Thank you, Dr. C.
Me too. Where do you live
@Vicki Zimmerman. I'm a person of good character who became what I abhore over 28 years of traumatic attacks of emotional, psychological, social, physical and financial abuse. I'm only about 4 months in to learning about Narcissism but it only took 3 of Doc's videos to understand that my Narc is a COVERT, if not worse. It's been so bad for so long and I'm not one to just take it laying down so, it's been HELL.
Once I learned so much from different videos of different people, I began backing off but I'm so traumatized after a 6 month trip with him that now I've lost it totally and having day-mares so bad that I myself start trouble just by being so distraught and DRILLING him on everything I've been attacked on or about or to all the people he's turned against me until I literally have nobody left, not even a neighbor, friend, business anything... NOTHING and I'm infuriated with the physical violence against me..
6 months later on your comment Vicki, how did you fare? Are you free? I'm in shock, PTSD on STEROIDS...
I feel too trapped and ignorant of today's world to even function alone as I have been isolated for 17 of 28 years of marriage and don't even have credit or a job for over 22 years and no family left.
Have you left your Narcissist and are you emotionally better? I hope you're FREE💫🤗😇
That makes absolute sense, not being defensive might teach them a lesson or two.
I'm 45 now. Im telling you, it took me 30 yrs to learn this.
@@tjp2109 I understand completely and we cannot despise or be harsh with ourselves, and like you did, find the courage and strength to leave these toxic relationships that no longer serve us. Narcissists are emotional dementors and attempt, at every turn, to deplete us of our joy for life, our creative pursuits and all those qualities that make us who we are until we are left only serving the life they create for themselves. So happy to hear you left @TJ P.
Every argument is a game to them, where only they can dictate the rules (and can change them at will). They won't accept defeat, so the only way to effectively defend yourself is to stop playing.
It’s all about them. Their needs are the only matter of importance. Sickens me.
Indeed. They deliberately look for an argument when there isn't one to draw you in, and that's a win for them.
The only way is to disengage.
Or not play at all.
They think they are God...or like a toddler, the centre of the world.
Or walk away. I’ve given up arguing as each time I do I get so angry and later more depressed and hopeless so it’s not worth it.
"I was wrong" simply does not exist in the narcissist's dictionary. Don't waste your time.
The same goes for "I apologize" which is also not in a narcissist's dictionary.
I never heard either my mother or my father say the words, I’m wrong or I was wrong. Never.
My mother couldn't "I'm sorry" if her life depended on it
True. The worst part is that even when I got put through the wringer by my ex-wife over unfounded accusations and I could prove my case beyond the shadow of a doubt, I never got an apology. She'd make light of it as if it was just an honest mistake on her part and suddenly pretended to be ditzy. Infuriating.
@@danielkaiser8971 They sometimes apologize, but it is not sincere. It's a quick fix.
“Don’t join them in that swamp.” How true!
I flat out told my husband that I refuse to go down the black hole with him!
Like a raccoon will with a dog, they will lure you to the swamp, and try to drag you under. But a raccoon takes their time. A narc can do it in seconds. Never let your guard down!
It’s the strangest thing.. when your in it you can’t see it ... when your out of it you think oh my god why oh why did I wait so long to walk away... but when you do what a delight x
Got that right!
Because she's my only sister, it hurts that we can't share experiences
So true! 👏🏻
That's so true. No matter how awful it gets when you're still in the thick of it it's like being blind. Only when you break free and put distance between you, then the light bulbs start popping.
And for those reasons alone. Although I enjoy all of these videos, It quite often pains me to watch them as everything that is being said is so true and I feel as though it is too late now and that the damage has already been done and that I wish I had known what narcissism was as it was all going on.
You learn as you go. It takes time to realize this stage. When you do it’s the most amazing thing ever! There is a light at the end of the tunnel!!! Much love to all!
Absolutely, a breath of fresh air. Your brain just opens up and the good Lord heals without depression involved. Freeing.
It's funny because once I got to that stage I thought "was it that simple, really? why was I torturing myself all my life?"
I have had this lightbulb moment too... it’s so nice saying no ✋
It really does it takes time but it is fantastic!
I love your comment. It IS a stage. Outside the tunnel the narcissist does not have power over us. We gave away our power.
ruclips.net/video/Mmac6AV8bjg/видео.html
The most ironic thing about the narcissist is that they have an insatiable need for external validation.
Must be very irritating for them. Ha ha !
It’s actually chemical. They need dopamine. Validation is way too abstract to define what’s going on. It’s far worse than that.
ruclips.net/video/Mmac6AV8bjg/видео.html
True. All the more sick that in their need for supply they totally alienate it
Exactly. I have a step mother who needs to be validated & complimented round the clock... So you have 2 choices, either do it or your put on the naughty list where you'll be tortured.
@@jogriffiths5766 they are not just dysfunctional. They are truly tortured, miserable souls.
When you defend yourself, your giving them the ability to mock you, blame you, call you a liar and control you, plus it wears you down, and they love that. Not to mention, they love constant dramas, thriving on them. This also gives them power over other people to smear you if you try to explain to others, and with them needing to disqualify your truth by calling you over sensitive, an imaginary type, even a liar. Over time, not only do people not believe you, but the shame paralyses, and the feeling of misplaced guilt, and being told YOU are the trouble, turns what could and should have been a beautifully lived life into a cess pit of fear, lonliness and self-hatred. Everything and anything bad will feel as though it's your fault, and the narcs will smile wide with the power they've exercised over you, excusing all their wrong doing deflected onto you.
They need to project onto you all their anger from feelings from their own issues, giving them the joy of someone paying for what they felt and how they took things done to them, or like a proxy to pay you back for what someone else did to them. Their own hurt, guilt and shame is alleviated by passing it on to someone else, and they get to justify their wrath upon you, instead of upon the person/people who hurt them. They walk away free having pasted their hurt and feelings onto someone who they see as easy to blame, because you are kindly, caring, non confrontational or easdy going. You not only have their hurt and feelings put onto you, but also their wrath and expectations on you and from you that is meant for who hurt them.
It's so twisted, they'll even play your saviour while they are/have dewstroyed you, with a sick sense of seeing you pay to the extremes. Wiping you out is their goal, as if they've taken on their abusers role toward you. They lack the ability to consciously see that you are innocent and do not deserve their hidiousness aimed at you. Aall that matters to them is the transferance of their feelings, guilt, shame, rejection, onto someone else, and the angeer and revenge, as well as the full support from you toward them, while they exploit, use, abuse and desstroy you.
As the Dr says, the "whatever" response is the only one that works, but it has to be eearly on, or it's too late, as if it's late, they'll destroy you all the more, so be aware of this. However, better late than never, and they'll soon see you are no longer their slave, and you'll see their anger and hatred show up. Taking care of your needs and of yourself is far too precious to give away to an abuser. Being kind to yourself is required to move past this. And dropping the responsibility and misplaced guilt placed upon you for their feelings must be thrown into the trash where it belongs. We don't need to turn angry toward them (though being angry at what they've done and caused you is a natural heaaling process, so deal with that but not outwardly at them), just rewmove their power by switching off our natural caring and compassionate selves, and blocking the transferal they scape goated you with, after all, they relentlessly cared nothing about destroying you and your life to pay for what someone else did to them, dsomeone they didn't have the courage to stand up to, if they could. And cared nothing about branding you and sending you out into the wilderness, completely vulnerable and afraid, without protection all by yourself.
It's so hurtful, but you didn't turn into them by how they treated you. Yes, it ruined your life and stole what you'd have chosen. But your heart is still intact, and you are stronger than you ever thought, having survived, possibly from young, a life of being targeted by someone who was far weaker than you. So, when you are able, give yourself some of that compassion you openly give out to others, put the lies out, and find your true self and enjoy even the small things that were never allowed to you, and be kind to yourself. You'll be so much happier knowing you have the ability to do this, unlike the narcs who can only destroy other's in response to their feelings and hurts. You are responsible for your own feelings and for yourself. Be happy and enjoy being with yourself, and chosing your own life from now on. Finally. After going through your emotional state, working through your own feelings, hurts, etc, forgiveness all round is required, toward them and toward yourself, for you to move forward and freely, especially within yourself. Bless all survivors. You are stronger than you know.
I really appreciate you taking the time to share this in the comments. Things are unfolding in my life along the same lines as what you are explaining in your comment. Thank You So Much. I needed to hear this message this morning. ☮️
I am involved with a few narcissist ,, I am not a victim , "I GOT THIS" Great to read information about things like this , I have found it very helpful along the way. ✌️
@@redress5 ✌️
Amen!😇
Very accurate and comprehensive. Thank you for laying out the truth in words
When you fall into defending yourself all you are doing is giving them their supply.
Waste of time
I wasted so much time defending myself. Even in the moment I had no idea why I was bothering to do so. I guess I felt a great injustice about the incorrect characterizations he would say about me. I felt like I was going crazy. In the heat of my defense, it almost seemed to fuel his continued negative verbal onslaught. It was just absolutely nuts! After 9 years of that cycle along with emotional and some physical abuse, I finally got the courage to file for divorce. He got the papers last Friday. It was a very difficult decision because of my strong faith and the fact that he poses as a devout Catholic school principal. Everybody thinks he's wonderful. I can't take this way of life any longer. Dr. Carter's videos have helped me see the truth of what I've been living with and that it's most likely not going to change. For my mental and physical health, I can't stick around to find out.
Good for you for getting out. "Everybody thinks he's wonderful"--we all know about that! Enjoy your new life.
@A S Thank you. Another part of the problem for me is that I've been married before to a verbally/emotionally abusive man (not physical though...that was new this time). So, I'll be twice divorced....and probably twice with a decree of nullity. My first husband who I have two children with was not Catholic nor a believer. As I grew in my faith during my six years as a single mom (however, I was really a single mom before I was a SINGLE mom, if that makes sense) I was determined to marry a Christian man, preferably Catholic, to share my faith with. Boy, was I blind-sided. I thought I was being so cautious too. I guess narcissism knows no bounds. But, for reasons you mentioned and because of my faith, I wanted to hang on and keep trying. I thought I could pray my marriage into what it truly should be. Not so. I agree that God does not want me in a relationship where I am losing the person He created me to be. I still believe in Him even though my prayers weren't answered. I've accepted this circumstance as an opportunity to grow and trust in him. I'm broken-hearted but see it for what it is now...an opportunity to see what doors He will open to freedom and greater happiness. I'm glad I finally got the courage to make the break. I'm almost 50 and want to finally live a life for myself (but not in a selfish way). I hope you have been able to get away from that priest. The sinister permeates every place. I'm sorry you had to deal with that. It's horrible and revolting. It is truly a betrayal that tests our faith. God bless you and thank you again for your story and encouragement.
Most of what you said resonated.
RunTheRace...
Great choice to go! Remember he will smear you in ways you won't expect. So deep breath! My narc ex husband was a police officer. Its been years since I left. He died unexpectedly last year. As old friends of ours pop up now and then I'm shocked to hear the fantastical reasons I left the man and what I supposedly said about friends. New wounds 30 yrs later. I'm glad I left that community at the divorce time. So just be aware that through the system of Catholic schools etc. Comments may follow you and it isnt fair.
I’m sticking with my life of quiet virtue
I'm gonna go & sing a rude rugby song!!
Me too.
They want u to be quite
@@sueb7239 they want you to respond with some sort of pain.... that is what feeds them... your reaction your pain...
I was very afraid that some people would conclude something like this. At no time was virtue involved. Ever. Bonding to a narcissist can’t include virtue. That narrative denies relationship addiction as the true context. Also, narcissists never do things to other people. They can’t. In their illness, there are no other people. There is no distinction between the self and external objects.
This may help in clearing up the “virtue” confusion. It’s utterly false.
ruclips.net/video/Mmac6AV8bjg/видео.html
Haha, They are like a audio tape on loop. The communication just goes around and around and around in circles. You're just arguing and explaining yourself to an unchanging metal box, a tape-recorder machine on repeat. Set your boundary. Walk away from the little metal box
Good analogy!
Yea... Really good. Actually helped 👍
Exactly
Their pride and ego is off the charts. Putting you down builds them up .
Here are a few ideas to help you do just that:
Don't fall for the temptation to sink to their level.
Don't feed the ego.
Don't take responsibility for his emotions.
Don't use ultimatums.
Don't give him negative attention👍
You're on target! Dr. C
Or her emotions. It’s not always males, just a reminder. ☮️
...or, get out of the window & go somewhere else!!
@@koma4050 or your narc mother...not always a romantic partner
"Don't take responsibility for his emotions" was a big one for me to learn since he always seemed so needy and unable to deal with his own emotions. And so many of his friends/family reinforced that belief after I left him -- "You HAVE to go back. He's hurting so much!" Thank God for the friend who told me, "Leaving him to feel his pain is the best thing you could do for him. It might be exactly what he needs to see that his pain is the consequence of his own actions." Which he never did, of course, but it helped me to separate from that need to rescue him.
"Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast
ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them
under their feet, and turn again and rend you. "
So far 5 toxic narcissists have disliked this video! You'd have to be a goblin to dislike this wonderful man and his incredibly kind and helpful information!
You’re right about that one.
This explains why Jesus/Yeshua was quiet before His accusers. I always wondered why, while I was defending myself to my accusers. I was assuming we all wanted to resolve the conflict, but now I understand that some people thrive on it and aren't interested in peace and harmony. Not everyone wants truth.
He also said, my kingdom is not of this world. Dr. C
@@browncatwithblurredbackgro2461 Jesus certainly never got drunk. If He had, He could not have been the perfect, sinless sacrifice that He was, to atone for our sins. Getting drunk is something to repent of and turn away from. 1 Corinthians 6:10 says that drunks are among those who won't inherit God's kingdom. God can help us sinners, including drunks, to overcome our harmful, worthless ways, and live a new life. We can ask Him just as we are - He loves us as we are, but doesn't leave us there, in our mess, but can lift us up out of it if we trust Him. But don't think He did the deeds of sinners just because He mingled with them.
@@SurvivingNarcissism I am Jewish and we teach that all people are born saved for a piece of the Creator is within all ( our spirit, our eternal divine soul). We enter this linear world of contrast with a veil that separates ourselves from who we really are. We operate from our ego but we have those moments when we can connect to our inner self. Jesus had no veil, He was able to have full access of his Divinity. The kingdom of God is within and it’s our challenge to lift our inner veils and reconnect to our true selves. The Narcissist will always remain only connected to his deeply dysfunctional ego.
Narcissits are actually demons in spirit realm.
Maybe so!
THAT’S A FACT! And the sooner we realize this, the better off we are! I have decided to show my narc mother (who almost drove me into to a mental institution) that I can run from the outcomes of her diabolical decisions for as long as she can!
I’m now blessed to have gone NO CONTACT!!!
They are shells of humans taken over. They are a complete lost cause. It is PATHOLOGY
You can not argue with crazy.
FYI. From Grapevine. I heard you speak for 3 minutes and use the term
" Bad News" to describe their worst kind. Lol. I immediately looked you up knowing that I was watching a fellow North Texan. I appreciate your videos. Thank you for what you do. Thanks for representing Texas so well ♡
I have had the same thought myself. It’s scary I stayed so log and gave my heart and trust to someone so devious. 😧
That's an insult to demons. But seriously I have wondered the same thing. My tormentor used to have nightmares about the devil in a basement. It is ashame what some people are capable of.
They accuse, so you defend. Then they say they can't have a conversation with you because you are always on the defensive!. So you try and explain why you feel the way you do and on and on and round and round it goes. It is impossible to be heard.
Exactly! When it gets that ugly I start backing off from them or go no contact. It's truly draining to continue to DEAL with those type of people.
Isn’t this the truth?
I noticed the more I defend, I gave them ideas to absorb into themselves and make their own. Then they would use it as their own weapons against me, lay it like tripwire, and down I always went.
This is true - anything you say to them gives them ideas and thoughts to steal from you. That's one of the main reason why they talk to you...
@@peaceangel-rl2hf Yes! Crafty “humans” always looking for another route
Yes! I Finally gave up calmly or angrily telling her (sister) the things she's done and why I'm so mad/ hurt. Just made her a more affective liar Every time.
Anything you do/say can and will be used against you in their kangaroo court.
Well explained, thanks
I used to get sucked into defending myself. Now, whenever I get that feeling either because someone has challenged my beliefs, accused me of something, made me feel inferior, and so on, I’ve come up with the best response. I respond by saying “ that’s possible” and then I walk away. They really don’t know what to do. It works every time. Because what they are looking for is either in argument, to continue to tell you how right they are, or to tell you how wrong or incorrect you are.
I just shake my head shrug my shoulders and say okay in a sarcastic tone. Sounds like whatever.
"Stop it!" Wow. The idea of not wastung psychic energy hit home.
I agree. Emotional response sucks that energy out of you
I've been in many situations where the narcissist will accuse you of something, then expect you to drain your psychic energy to defend yourself. Sounds familiar? The narcissist gets really angry when you don't play this game.
I NEVER thought I'd say it but I finally understand it...
Keep learning! Dr. C
It’s a lovely feeling I get it too xx
same here Lina, same here ….
Lina, hope you are not with a narcissist 😈!
Same!! :-) ♡
It took me 40 years to realize that I was dealing with a narcissist mother, who has destroyed my life
I'm so sorry. I hope with this "discovery" you can start to heal withOUT her in your life.
I'm 59 and just this week discovered the reason for all the trauma that I suffered at the hands of a narcissist mother. It has hit me like a thunder bolt and Im still trying to come to terms with it all. All I do is cry as a sense of relief. Everything wasnt all my fault !!
Mia.aslonvasyiuarealuve you have purpose and that is to heal,help others and discover your purpose. I'm 64 and believe me I understand MOST never get it. Celebrate your life. You have choices and wisdom.
I am so sorry. I also, realized my entire lifelong relationship with a "friend" has always been a lie. It's heartbreaking. I wish you peace and happiness and know you are not alone.
@@freetolive1061 I really related to your comment. I recently moved in with my mother who is 88 and need some assistance. I was always the black sheep of the family so I was somewhat hesitant I have to say. The memories that came flooding back to me blew my mind. The moment that I realized that my mother was a true narcissist as well as my sister felt like I have been hit by a bus. I was aware of narcissism as my ex-husband was one as well. The more I delved in to the family dynamics of narcissist it was as if I was looking through binoculars and everything came into a very clear view. It was almost as if I finally had answers after a lifetime a feeling so lost and misunderstood. Dr. C has helped me tremendously!! I had done years of a very deep soul-searching on myself so by the time I moved back in with my mother I was an incredibly strong woman that I had fought very hard to become. Being the strong woman that I am armed with the knowledge that I now have about my upbringing has been a true blessing. To me the trauma that I endured as a young person lead me do who I am today🙏🌷
my wife is the most evil person I've ever met and I fell trapped in order to protect the kids
You don’t need NOTHING from narcissists. The less exchange of energy the better, there is no genuine reciprocation with a narcissist.
You have your own boat and you can sail it by yourself!
Very good sentence, I might use it with one of them... Thank you!
I spent 7 years defending myself to a N and desperately trying to make the relationship work. After one year out I feel like I've emerged from a bog that was trying to pull me under. I can breathe freely now. Lovely deep breaths of clean air. And I feel light and free.
Please don't let yourself get sucked in by these creatures. Thank you Dr Carter for helping us see the reality and know that we're not crazy.
If you start to defend yourself, by doing that you have admitted to the narc that you are at fault. Exactly the position the narc wants you in and then the narc can lay on the blame even harder. It's like a dog that is attacked and rolls on the belly. In dogs that's the sign for the attacker to stop, narcs don't have a sense of fairness, for them it's just an invitation to finish you off.
Yes, lack of empathy, trust, loyalty , sense of fairness or mercy characterizes the narcissist´s psychological make-up, unless faking it serves their hidden agenda of the moment.
It's a bit hard not too when you get blamed for practically everything. It's exhausting...
I'm always wrong. Always. Everything I do and am is wrong. There's no new beginning. The rule is that I have failed before I even start.
No theatre without an audience..... just walk away,.... no more humiliation, control or drama! Peace!
Defending yourself to a narc is like pissing against the wind, good luck with that.
This type of subject got tricky for me in my last relationship. Before I even met him I had good books about boundaries and conflict management which I tried to memorize. One author said "do not play tug of war; narcs love that game" and another taught the acronym "J.A.D.E." (don't Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain) yourself to a narcissist--it only stokes their fire.
But then in 2013 I met a guy who happened to have an old brain injury sustained in 1989 and it happened to be at his temple, where forethought, emotional management, memory, and understanding consequences happen. He had an outgoing personality, seemed nice and gentlemanly, level-headed, and it magnetized me since I am shy and isolated.
Wasn't long before he started accusing me of the most awful things and wouldn't stop. I found myself defending, defending and defending myself until complete exhaustion. Then defend some more.
The reason why is because I believed his brain injury was the cause of his trouble and not his personality. I stayed patient and did my damndest to reassure him but it didn't work and when I'd tell him this relationship is going to have to end he'd start crying and beg for more forgiveness, saying, "it's my head injury dear, I can't help it, I can't think straight, I'm sorry!!!" or " my head injury won't let me sleep, I can't function!!! I'm sorry!!!"
For 6 years I tolerated this cycle, but felt too guilty to let him go because "it wasn't his fault. It's the injury". I took him to neurologists and doctors, trying to see if anything could be done to help him.....a lot went on those few years. All the while I"M the one begging forgiveness for things I never done.
He only got more brazen and abusive as time went on and finally after a particularly nasty, threatening phone message on my machine I realized, "wait a minute, even though he has a brain injury, he still has facial recognition, he knows me, and still remembers I am his best friend who takes care of him"--there is no excuse for the numerous threatening phone messages. I had to let my anger take over and tell him to go find someone else and stop wasting my time and energy. This time he justified himself saying, "hey, even nice guys make mistakes". Bullshit! THAT wasn't head injury talking, THAT was NARCISSISTIC GASLIGHTING. I have a clean conscience letting him go and I pray to god I don't end up sucked into that again in the future! Back to being friendless and isolated, but that's OK now that I have something to compare it to! ............if you made it to the end of my monologue, thank you for listening! :)
Narcs don't look at you with any sense of care or recognition when they are angry because they lack "object constancy"- the ability to recognize that you still care about someone even when you are angry with them. When they're mad, you instantly become their enemy. Everything else is forgotten in their anger.
@M Jazz You're so welcome. If I can help somebody learn something the easy way then I did something worthwhile. :)
Thanks. I find myself dropping into the mud and fighting toxic narcissism with toxic narcissism. Thanks for showing me a better way.
Quoted verbatim: "It's hilarious to back you into a corner and watch you try to justify yourself." I wasted years trying to be friends with that monster.
Don't play! This is a game that you can never win. The narc sets the rules and is at liberty to change them. Not only do they psychological beat you, but they also use it in order to find more ammo to use against you. If you need a good example on how to react, watch Border Security and observe how the officers maintain composure whenever they face belligerent, rude, or verbally abusive people. Try to emulate the officers. Dr C, I'm really grateful that I found your channel and have followed your posts for these past few years. What I've learned is we don't need to prove ourselves with these kinds of people and that the real best revenge is to live well.
You got it! Like "Global Thermonuclear War", The ONLY way to WIN is to NOT PLAY!
The more I said sorry (I did not mean to harm you) the more I felt guilty (to have trespassed her rules) the more she enjoyed having power over me. I was her puppet on a string. I stopped apologising, I stopped feeling guilty. She flipped out! I stood my ground. I am free.
Yeah, the problem is the narcissist's "living well" is dependent on making sure you don't live well. Zero sum game. So you really do have to kick them out of your world before you can proceed with the living well part.
They’ll get upset though by us thriving… I’m still concerned with that fact struggling to move on but on I move 👍🏻
Indifference is the narc's Achilles heel, the ONE thing they cannot stand is being ignored. I tried that on two narcs, drove them NUTS 😂 they'll try anything to draw you back into their BS drama, they'll use social pressure, peer pressure, guilt, fake victimhood... but if you stand strong in your indifference, it will pay dividends over time.
i want to stand my ground till the end and see the fruits
@@josephjoeljohn578 it’ll be quite empowering
It’s so true! Empowering!!
When I went gray rock on my narc he started throwing bait at me ALL THE TIME and it drove him nuts that I saw right through it and refused to rise to it.
There's a great verse in the Bible in Ephesians 5:11 & 12 that says "And do not have fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather even expose them. For it is a shame even to speak of those things which are done of them in secret." Understanding that EVERYTHING that the narcissist does is FRUITLESS or UNFRUITFULL makes it clear that even trying to explain or defend yourself would be futile on your part. Detach and stay NC. Love to all in your healing journey!
Even when they claim to be the premier expert of the bible (and he truly did have some very good and deep understanding of it!) I find that this verse explains this seeming contradiciton:
1 Cor 13:2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.
God words are factual and the truth.
God Bless You with the ❤ of His
Grace.
When I stopped trying to please him and instead decided to please the Lord, I came into a glorious freedom.
Beryl Laing God’s Word says in John chapter 8 verse 32 and you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free and that’s the freedom that we seek and desire and only God is whom we please and get out healing from
Has anyone ever experienced a narcissist displaying healthy attributes like admitting to being wrong about some things, but you feel like it’s a manipulation, and things will go back to “normal” once you become less standoffish. I’m convinced that even with relationship counseling, and following advice, that the attempts to improve are only on the surface.
Yes! Observing that with my husband. Crazyness. They aren't THAT good at hiding it.
Yes
Talking to Narcs are like talking to a wall lol.
A "stone wall" at that.
And a wall is still better because it won't disrespect you.
Deadass yes
Did anyone else work diligently on your communication skills, thinking that if you could explain the truth in exactly the right way, with precise wording, flawless logic, and a kind tone, and you'd be believed and respected? (Cringe. Been there, done that!)
I spent my entire childhood doing just this. The slow-dawning realization that nothing I could ever do or say would help was heartbreaking.
@MUSTBE1776 And if anyone could explain clearly, that's who could. I'll remember this next time I'm tempted to explain.
@@JA-ko6xu I loved it in Plato's dialogues when someone would say "Ah, I must admit that you are right, Socrates." I wanted to be as cool as Soctates. If it hadn't been for philosophy and Neil Peart, I would have lost hope. I bet you got into ctitical thinking and communication studies early?
@@sage9836 philosophy and literature was definitely an escape and a saving grace when it came to learning to live with a narcissist. If nothing else, it gives you perspective.
Sage, I think your comment could be a potential answer to me, I wrote a comment somewhere here about searching for the ultimate, perfect, precisely worded, etc. answer in case the baiting starts... I guess it doesn't exist, this problem has nothing to do with communication. It's about the lack of respect on the narc's side. ☹
Once I learnt how to identify a narcissist and their techniques, I became free. Thanks Doc.
The thing I hear most from my narcissistic family when I say I don’t want to fight or engage is that I’m selfish. And that’s okay because somebody’s got to look out for me.
I got to hear that one today from my narc roommate. She didn't like me standing up for myself and went completely into a nasty, hateful, name-calling rage. The trouble is now I have to find somewhere else to live because this is her house.
Sounds like you’d be better off.
@@lulucolby8882
Yes thank you. It will be a struggle as I'm on social security with no other income but I'm actually looking forward to it.
I would get accused of refusing to communicate.
But it’s not really communication when you are not being heard. Communication is give and take…narcissistic people only take. I’m sorry you were not given that respect. ❤
I spent 15 years stepping over my feelings, defending, explaining and making allowances for someone who is completely fucked up upstairs.
I have two kids whom I love dearly, I'm a man and I don't know what to do !
been married to one for 30 years,been through hell and back with my narc...took years and videos like this good mans to realize what a mess i was in..no matter what you say do or try to "get along" you are NEVER going to be right,in their mind..the belittlement lack of affection compassion intimacy is part of the control...one day i just said fuck it,no more...now when shit hits the fan i just smile and walk away or do whatever it is i'm doing..do not let them drag you in there swamp world,thats what they want..like the doc said,take care of yourself first...i've learned after all these years all there threats is just talk,loud as it may be,just empty threats..i live by this mantra..if you don't have YOUR health you aint got shit...good luck..
You are not kidding. I've had to get tough to overcome the misery
of feeling inadequate. The thing that helped me more than anything
is when I realized that I like me more than I like them. I think I'm fun
and happy, I have a reputation of being trustworthy. I think that's awesome.
Sometimes, my ex partner came across like an interrogation officer, figuratively backing me into a corner, pummeling me with his questions and judgments. It was horrible and something I absolutely never deserved.
❤
I got this too plus he'd air stab his finger at me. Horrid!
I always felt like a defendant facing a prosecuting attorney laying traps for me.
Have you heard the new song, it’s for narcissists. It goes like this: ‘I’m walkin on eggshells, oh oh. I’m walkin on eggshells oh oh. And don’t it feel bad, ya ya. It feels so bad, ya ya.
Hahahaha...Your song provides much comic relief! (I can either laugh or cry.) 😂
I know where ya got that song...!
I'm Walking On Sunshine - Katrina and the Waves
*check out Type O Negative's version of Summer Breeze - by Seals & Crofts
Since narcissists attack one's character, building up the faith in one's own character is exactly the right remedy. And that, of course, means examining oneself closely, and improving one's character so that the self respect is built on a solid humanitarian foundation and therefore genuinely unshakeable.
"I don't like being in your swamp." Love it!
This information is so true. I could talk to him until there was another hole in his head and he still would not understand what I said to him. Are he play stupid. They do know how to push your buttons because they have studied you long enough.
It's very hard to disconnect from the narcissist when it's your son, and you don't get to see your grandchildren without him.
Yes. It is very hard when it's your child.
I stopped defending myself a while back. This video confirms I made the right choice in that. The problem is that in no longer defending myself has resulted in the accusation that I’ve “shut down” or “given up” and that I “don’t/can’t communicate.” I can’t win for losing sometimes it seems.
A narcissist will never accept responsibility and it makes them feel better to blame you. It's how they are. Just keep believing in yourself.
With a narcissist there is no winning!
I was called dismissive. I'd rather be "dismissive" than tormented, instigated, manipulated, used.
I'm accused of that exact thing "you're stonewalling"
Same here Chris. Narcissists love a reaction. I've been called rude for not communicating lol. Dr. C is so right, no point having a decent conversation with them
That's what the narcissist wants you to do, as it gives them supply and therefore feeds their ego. They do not want to know what you have to say, just that they have got the rise from you.
I was very tempted to respond one time to a very ragey message, but stopped myself in time by deleting.
“I’m putting you in charge of my validity.” 🤔
Walking away is the best policy.
I used to defend, explain and apologise for being 8n pain, crying and daft at times. Why in God's name?! No more. 🍒
when ever she would hound with new charges my answer was, "Congratulations madam prosecutor, you have successfully convicted me. the defense rests".
She did not effn know what to do with that.
I have to do what I have to do to keep them from completely destroying my life.
Lorraine Swartz,I admire your lovely smile!
I walked on eggshells for 8 years,,, he stripped me of my values ,, virtues ,, my strength,,the Adrenal Fatigue was causing great health problems,, I ended up in heart surgery,,, I am 8 months NC and feel free from the abuse,,I’m healing and learning Why this happened,,,
Yes! When my marriage to a narcissist was over, and we were fixing our house up to sell, I FINALLY hit on this! He criticised me for dripping paint down the side of the can, and I flat out didn't care anymore. I didn't react at all, simply changed the subject and he moved into the new subject with me. I realized his incessant criticism was just a "habit" with him.
Dr Carter hit it right on the head. No sugar coating, just direct, honest and succinct. And that's what I like about him. Nearly everything he said was true of my narcissist sadly. That bad behavior of bullying, controlling, invalidating, blaming, scapegoating, being defensive, and gaslighting is typical narcissistic behavior and is on him, not me. I like that he directly said "Stop it. Stop taking that bad behavior. Live your life with d, r, c... Good character." Thank you Dr Carter.
This was one of your best and most compelling videos. They are all about scapegoating. I can't wait for there to be a law against narcissistic abuse
Agree. Great video! Thank you Dr. C ♡
I said the same thing
There are not enough jails in this world to hold them all. I wish there were.
In a Narc-Prison, they would just blame their non-improved behavior on the prison warden’s poor management skills and give a list of critiques, all while playing victims of the justice system as they simultaneously gang-mob a new empathic prisoner lol
Wait a second , I can’t believe you’ve asserted that..... because it is just the 101 overall like actual “no brainer” OBVIOUS and undeniable NEXT STEP for like civilized or at least relatively civilized (in some respects) HUMAN EVOLUTION , ( basically).
Dr C, I don't try to defend myself to the narcissist, whom I divorced and am no-contact with now, but I still find myself wanting to defend myself to family and friends who can't understand why I left "such a nice guy." The judgment for me leaving my marriage and "hurting him" has been difficult to take, and such a misrepresentation of me and our marriage. These are people who didn't really understand what was going on inside our relationship, of course. My close friends and family understand and support me. But it's hard feeling so misjudged.
Why are you explaining to other folk your decisions? They are your decisions. Good decisions they are for you. If anyone wants to know why things didn’t work out you simply say things did not work out and my decisions were right for me abs I don’t wish to discuss it further . Good luck and well
Done x
@@lynnfincham6839, you're right, I don't really need to defend my decisions to anyone. Unfortunately, that has left me in a place where I've lost friends/family I care about who have sided with him and mischaracterize my reasons for leaving. I guess that happens in a lot of divorces, but it's hard to think that some people view me as the "bad guy" for leaving without any understanding of his narcissism or its impact on me. And he's very convincing at playing the victim.
That is hard. While you don't owe anyone anything it is hurtful to be misrepresented and to have people make judgments about your character. If people would just have the mindset of "they don't know what they don't know", but people tend to minimize others and choose sides. It's really hurtful and sad
@@a.humphries8678, that's exactly right. Thank you for your understanding and compassion. If it's the price I have to pay to have the narcissist out of my life, though, it's worth it.
Question: What is the price you have to pay for peace?
Answer: Peace is PRICELESS!!!🤣😂🤣
Defending yourself to a narcissist is like defending yourself to a wall. Plain and simple.
I dealt with a female narcissist who is a leader of a community group and this sounds like you are describing her. We were going to meet up to discuss things and I ended up withdrawing when I realised they were never going to take any responsibility, had already made their mind up on how things were and I'd also end up defending myself, whilst they gaslit me. They also had power in numbers with many flying monkeys more than willing to do her bidding, blindly walk through fire for her & make excuses for her. In the end, I certainly didn't & don't need her understanding or validation.
Content I neeeed!!! I moved back home to finish university and recover from covid and apply for jobs. Everyone in the house is toxic. I’m Looking forward to watching this video.🍿
I moved back home last spring to escape the narc but unfortunately my parent’s house is as toxic or more than my own home. I ended up going back home and now I’m suffering again. I plan to leave again but will try to be better prepared this time.
Start keeping a log of events and behaviours, helps you understand the pathology and your self. Regard it as an opportunity to observe and empower new learning; college fees suck 😘. Dr C is a great start.
Narcissist is the saddest way to live life.
I recently broke off a narcissist girlfriend that I've had since childhood. Every time we talked on the phone she would question everything, judge me (and everyone else around her), interrupt me, etc. Of course I would go into defensive mode and we would end up in an argument about stupid little things. I had many sleepless nights angry about her comments. I loved her so I put up with it at first. But this last time we talked, about a month ago, she was criticizing everything I said including what kind of laundry detergent I used so I broke it off. It broke my heart to lose her but I have to think of myself and what she was doing to me. Of course she tried to project her bad behavior back to me and I refused to accept it. When I researched "Narcissist" I realized that is what she is. Thank you Dr. Carter for your videos as they have helped me recover tremendously! I am now taking care of ME and doing things that I enjoy and it's so nice to not have her judging me anymore. Thank you again!
Please address narcissist bully siblings who abuse into adulthood. I have three, and it's painful. Thanks.
I wish I would have had this information when I was a child living with an unfortunate parent.
Even worse is feeling like you have to prove yourself to them before you even have to defend yourself.
Once the narc was screaming at me, so I screamed back (I didn’t know she was a narc at that time), and immediately she said very calmly, “I’m not screaming. You are.” It was freaky and proved she was playing a game with me. It came off as chilling.
"Going into hiding when they don't get their way" wow that hit me so hard. My sister does this constantly and then turns around, denies she was ever upset, and then when you try to compromise she puts on the high and mighty, unbothered act. Narcs love the chase I guess. Thank you Dr. Carter!
I will not forget the day I told my therapist..” I am no longer the feeder fish”..he was proud of me doing my homework..I am free!!! It’s amazing...
Lenora Conner, you got a lovely smile
This was spot on. I love them but I don't like them... so I take these words to heart: "Do not give dogs what is sacred. Do not throw pearls to the pigs. If you do they may trample them under their feet and turn around and tear you to pieces."
The narc once sneezed right on my face, close-up, (soon after my brain surgery) and when I asked why she did that, she replied “my house, my rules!”
Dr. Carter, your channel is my mind’s life support and oxygen to my lungs at this time. Thank you 🙏!!!!!!!
You are very welcome. Dr. C
This message came right on time. I have been married to a narcissist for 13yrs. I desire to work through the marriage. This has given great insight to dealing with Him vs a divorce. The things I do in good character has shut him down at times but he will then try to find something and I just dont go in with him to defend myself!
I have gained alot to be healthy, joyful and at peace!
Encouraged by you in the difficult situation
Our narc asked us to watch her kids when she knew that we were physically unable to do so. I had 39 staples in my left knee and my wife had injured her foot gardening. Our narc was not ignorant of these facts and blew up when we declined to watch 3 active kids. She claims that we lack “empathy”.
I honestly owe him because he has given me the power and the motivation to move onward. To kick the dust off my boots, so to speak.
Loving the lockdown. Keeps the buggers away!
Not when you live with it...
@@GMW.artist sorry to hear that Gillian. Please stay safe and use this time to plan your exit/escape xx
Thank you so much, the last straw was when my husband refused to take me to hospital when I thought I had a blood clot in my neck but then two weeks later took the nieghbour to another town to tow his car back home. I am done, being trying to get free for over ten years but this time it will be planned and done unfortunately in secret
Sarah Theunissen, hope you are not with a narcissist 😈!
I stopped defending what doesn't need to be defended. It's as simple as that.
Yes, never give in to those harsh words. After all, they throw these harmful words at you knowing it's sticking in your heart. but they could care less.
Every time anymore that some emotionally unhealthy person tries to engage me, my spidy senses tingle and I think "no, thank you. I'm on Team Healthy,!
Thank you, These are all lessons I had to learn the hard way. Everyone who is in the position I was need to hear this.
I would add to this, those currently under the thumb/spell of the narcissist, there is light at the end of the tunnel. There is hope and freedom and a love of life out there.
It's most difficult to hold your peace when your spouse is targeted as well. However, I agree with you about not defending yourself to these people.
Grey rock method works very well, takes discipline to do but is highly effective. The narc is destroyed by it
How's this:
The more you defend against them you are saying...
1 I am putting you in charge of my validity
2 I can't go forward without your understanding
3 I see you as the one who wields the power
4 I can't be decisive until you agree with me
5 I am going to emotionally collapse without your support
They will always reject you because that is who they are.
Instead, defend yourself through your Good Character of self-respect, civility and dignity.
I think this will be the most important video yet ! Eagerly anticipating .
A.W. Tozer took it to the extreme and just said Never defend yourself.
My narc says - everything is my fault. But this is just to deflect any further conversation then we're immediately back to lies, manipulation and games. Thank goodness for these videos. They're saving my sanity.
My eyes have been open to the fact that I’m in a codependent relationship with a narcissist. We are in the rejection phase now. These videos have been so helpful.
I realize I’ve been turning down opportunities thinking I was respecting his feelings in the relationship. He did not like when I traveled for work, which I love and could have made more money. Now I’m focused on what’s best for myself and if he doesn’t like it, too bad. I’m not sad about it, knowing it’s his problem and not mine, and I can break the codependent cycle. It’s quite freeing, actually. ❤️
Dr. Carter, you need to start asking watchers to start hitting the like/thumbs up button to further the wealth of knowledge about narcissism. I share with everyone I know about your knowledge and love for mankind. Thank You !!!
I have had several friends with mental disorders. None failed to strive for respecting and treating others fairly, as they'd like to be treated. Even friends with schizophrenia who lost their reality here and there. Still good people. Why are narcissists ok with a fake & hollow existence? I wished some day my bf would see the light, that one day he'd grow up and WANT to live with integrity. It's hard to accept 5yrs of hopes and dreams meant nothing.
Excellent video Dr. C
It deeply hurts! Beyond imagination and bear! It's pure injustice!!
You think it helps but sometimes it just gets worse. In addition, you can do it so often and sincerely, the narcissist does not care. It's all part of the narcissist's manipulative behavior and play. Also, don't expect a (sincere) excuse from a narcissist. They make you believe they are sorry, but they always do it for a reason.
Or they use it to try to get back into your life so they can continue the abuse.
U can be nice to narcissists. U just have to know, that they always like to be in control. Women need to be independent, and have their own bank accounts. Never rely on another person for your needs. The outcome, is usually more positive. Don't be a doormat! That way, if someone is abusive, u have your own way out. Protect yourself.
E
Captain Nemo is my favorite.
Nothing can be said about People 10x smarter than you.
I'm awakened from a scapegoated childhood, I'm naturally loyal and I did not put nothing or no one before my kids I do not have any healthy expectations from these disordered personalities, however dealing with my adult children at certain times I still feel like a scapegoat!
Lord have mercy!..🙏🙏🙏