@Tranquility* Peace a lot ? .... everyday a little bit is at the end the whole world ! So , run, run, run ( away from these narcissists) and have fun, fun, fun, everyday and at the end, a world full of happiness !
I’ll make this simple and quick. If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, you as an individual do not matter to your partner. You cannot change them; you cannot have a fulfilling, normal relationship. You must move on to save yourself.
@@prometheuspredator7971 : He deserted me. Three times. Now divorcing me after 37 yrs. Maybe the thick layer of “friends” he buried himself under will finally see his true self?
@@prometheuspredator7971: “He is a loser and uses people!” My sister-in-law’s EXACT WORDS to me about her ex-husband! (My hub’s brother). I just wouldn’t believe what she was telling me then, that was 10 yrs ago. That confirms narcissism runs in families. Their father was the ultimate alpha male narcissist who groomed his 4 sons that way deliberately, while using the mother as a slave to them all. When she did speak no one heard her. The guy was a b---rd. Thanks Prometheus 💗
And at the same time many people go in circles and get nowhere in life without dealing with narcs. We live in a fallen world and there is almost no place to hide 🙃
Yes! I literally got stuck in "freeze" mode due to my anxiety.. the day I left I finally got unstuck and Ive made more progress over the last few months than I did when I lived with my ex.. I just kept relapsing.. now Im on my way to become myself again and moving forward in life :)
You are right on the money. I am a ambitious succesful entrepernuer. I hustled to get her through school for her bsn. Thinking we gonna have it all when she starts working. On paper this narc makes double my regular job salary. She still riding old cars not trying to travel dont put money into kids education. Dam where is the money. She dont wear fancy bags or drink or smoke. She to selfish to ever give it away. I said to hell with it. Dont even matter. Waiting on my new boo., we Going everywhere seeing everything.
Yes, the worst is the non talkative narcissist. If you have to spend time with them, there's just this strained silence and there's something so creepy and awkward about it. Makes you feel like you're not good at talking but it's really their weird energy that is so hard to relate to.
YES! Thank goodness I'm not the only one noticing this in a relationship with a narc. Hated going out to restaurants together, as it was awkwardly trying to nervously make up a one-sided conversation or stick to only topics where I knew they had a strong opinion on and could contribute, or else try and maintain a boring, completely superficial/surface level convo (that is actually also one-sided). Worst is when they go off on a tangent about something you've heard too many times (topics like oral hygiene, how much they hate their friend's dog, how the wine tastes, etc). Worser still is when you actually have something you are excited to discuss and they just stare at you blankly while you're speaking, and you just know that they are not even listening to a word you're saying because the conversation that they are having with themselves in their head will always be more interesting to them. Haha, he was ALWAYS talking to himself. Either in his head when I wasn't there, or out loud the second I stepped out of the room. And he'd deny ever uttering a sound.
Omg been there. If he wasn’t on a bar stool at a fancy restaurant (talkative and engaging) but at home or something mundane, it was so uncomfortable. Completely checked out. Awkward and weird AF
Dr. C., I'm speechless. Every time I think your video's can't get any better, you blow me out of the water!!! I do believe you are an ambassador for mankind in your own way. We are all so BLESSED that you are in this world with us!!!
He has been exposed to the full spectrum of personality disorders. The management of his own emotions are clearly a priceless personality asset. God bless you Dr C🕊❤️🙏🏻🇺🇸
Thanks so much for these good comments. I want us each to encourage one other as we try to figure all this out! I'm so grateful for my Surviving Narcissism community. So grateful. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you. You have allowed this year to be more peaceful, calm and nurturing. Best wishes to you and yours in the coming year 2021
They just "don't get it." It doesn't matter how many times you rehash the same issue, it just never feels resolved (which is why it continues to get rehashed!).
This is my Narc Breakfast - corn flakes soaked in milk for an hr, Toast and tea Lunch cheese roll Dinner either fast food or something thats cooked for him no veg usually something very simple Never deviated from this routine for the past 10 yrs of me knowing him
The most prevalent trait in any narcissist that I have encountered is INSECURITY! They can never be wrong and if I point out anything they automatically say I’m mean to avoid hearing correction!
Arrested Development...Emotionally immature..They just don't get it..SMH..I had to remove myself from his 👋 presence... Happy New Year..without all the unnecessary drama
...kind of like the Simpsons. 🤡 Someone should create a cartooon series about narcs driving each other crazy, to teach the world about these monsters... I can hear the theme song, now: [singing] "The Naar..ciss...ists!... [camera shot floating through the clouds].
Spot on!!! So tired of living with an always negative, raging, self absorbed, emotionally immature 53yo that has the emotional intelligence of a 3 yo. Can’t wait until I can leave and stop living my life walking on eggshells and being terrorized.
They do the same old things, wear the same clothes as 30+ years ago, the same TV and movies over and over, the same books (and if they get a new one, it’s from the same subject matter that they don’t stray from), same foods, etc etc etc. Then they mock you for your taste and choices and friendships.
Never thought about this but you're right. My ex was wearing clothes he bought 30 years ago. And he lived his life like clockwork. When I got breast cancer my treatment interrupted his routine and he let me know it!
@@pianolearner7 God how awful. My brother came to 'support' me once when l was going for foot surgery and in agony. Although there was lots of chairs in the waiting room he sat ant the other end and did his usual crossword!!!
1. @2:25: Open to talking about your flaws but closed to talking about their own. 2. @3:36: Operate with low emotional intelligence in general. 3. @4:56: Baffled by relationship ambiguity. 4. @5:58: See conflict as relationship ender. 5. @6:58: Closed to lifelong learning. 6. @7:58: Emotions are not disciplined. 7. @8:59: Approach relationships as a consumer. 8. @9:50: Lack of inner peace. 9. @10:40: Numb to the hurt & pain they generate. 10. @11:30: Live with the fear of irrelevancy.
Number #4 doesn’t compute with me. In my experience, narcissists live and breathe conflict. Conflict with a narcissist should be a relationship ender for a well person, otherwise they will be stuck in a hell hole.
@@interestinglyenough7601 I'm not positive but I think Dr G was addressing when they bring up breaking up/divorcing during disagreements to shut their partners down, to get their way. The covert I was with threatened divorce and or If I "didn't shut up/give up" he was "going to leave" a lot to accomplish just that. When I was the one that brought up divorce i meant it and was done, the next thing that happened was him being asked to leave and then divorcing him. Making that threat during every disagreement or most of them to control your partners communication needs and deny them basic respect is manipulative and it's also abusive.
My Mom tried to do that to her children that she doesn't like. So, now she talks to four of her children, and doesn't talk to the other four. She is so self-righteous, it almost resembles autism...because she can't even logically defend some of her beliefs.
Having had a narcissist mother I realize at my advanced age that I was primed to seek out people who were narcissist due to my conditioning. I have left a frustrating and often sad trail of broken narcissistic past relationships. No more because I have finally seen the light.
My husband said to me last night: I don’t want to learn anything. Flat out as a statement of fact. And I believed him. So you are absolutely right Dr C. No lifelong learning.
they think they know everything or at least everything they NEED to know in their opinion so no they do not want to learn anything from OTHERS especially others they deem inferior to them which is everyone!!!
If I'd only knew this stuff 32 years old I could have saved myself a whole of hurt and could had saved my children 💔 this stuff should be taught in schools
“They’re gonna think: If you have pain, I didn’t create it. If you do have pain, you deserve it anyway. You probably brought it on yourself.” So true... That’s exactly how they think😔😢🥺. When I got tearful because of the pain he created, he looked at me in disgust - without even the slightest sign of guilt or sympathy.
If you once made a mistake, narcs will put you into that box and they will not believe you were capable of improving. For example if you broke one glass, you will be the one "always breaking glasses". Now I understand why they are doing this. They themselves are not capable of learning and they think the same way of others. Rather interesting.
Common to autism with mind-blindness - I disagree that a lot of 'narcs' do things on purpose it's more that they do what works for them and are not thinking of you, at all. It would come as a suprise to them that you have a different mind than them and different feelings and dreams. It took me a while to see my sons as individuals but you can learn.
The narcissist knows right from wrong, but they choose to live in their fantasy world and expect to be catered to so they never have to face being grown up.
Jennifer Page: I don’t think they even know right from wrong. Their brains don’t work evaluating like normal people. All they see is what is in front of their face at the moment.
Yes Jennifer, I agree with you and revise my comment. I agree they do know right from wrong but refuse to acknowledge the “right” part if out of their comfort zone. The cocoon they wrapped themselves in in avoidance.
One of the narcissist in my family has read every self-help book the side of the Pecos River… Not for self improvement (as you would think), but so he can tell YOU what’s wrong with YOU!
Omg...that would drive me nuts! I read a lot of self-help books too and find myself from time to time thinking about how other people have the issues that I'm reading about...and then I would hesitate and have to check myself and ask myself if I'm guilty too...a lot of the times, I am!! 😂 I think it's natural to automatically see the flaws in others first as a way to protect ourselves..but sooner or later, we have to face reality and accept the truth..which they don't seem to be able to do..
The list is definitely not exhaustive but here’s what I’ve been on the receiving end of: 1) they have to always “win” 2) they don’t introspect 3) they always think in dualities - ie you are with me or you are against me 4) they refuse to receive input especially if it’s not in line with their agenda 5) they must be seen as perfect, mainly in public or whoever they perceive as "powerful" 6) they long failed to realize that life is full of nuances 7) they learned that life is a pecking order - either control others or be controlled. 8) they refuse to take responsibility for their problems 9) they refuse to seek proper professional help because it means having to do #8. Worst part is they'll try to manipulate the counsellor. 10) they may have some mental problems like paranoia, neuroticism, that prevent them from growing up The part I find most disturbing is the flying monkeys, useful idiots, or poor influences who aid or abet them.
Your last point, though not numbered as the rest, LOL, is very important! It’s not only disturbing, it can prove heartbreaking! I am not one of the monkeys, so I am useless. The flying monkey in the realm of my family, is used beyond reason...therefore, she is the “family treasure”! Since Christmas just passed (I’ve seen this in past years), though I am no longer around them to observe, I’m just minimally curious to see what she received from them THIS year...they shower her with expensive gifts and praise for all she does for them, even though they pay her at the time of each chore she is beckoned to perform. NOTHING is worth being the “monkey”, of course, but that’s only the thought of THIS observer....the “monkey” is quite happy in her role, not understanding that their “love” is highly conditional!
They seem to go through the same drama over and over and over again. You’d think that the repeated failures would “awaken” them to their true self. However, that doesn’t happen.
@RainbowDreams30 All their relationships fail! It's the way they are. Also, they go straight out of one relationship into the next relationship, a lot of the time with overlap, as they cannot manage alone!
In my experience, they even do not have the opinion of their very own. They read (or hear) something, identify with it - especially if it is from a source they consider "respectful" - and then present it as their own, or make a loong lecture about it, boasting how smart they are. They are too afraid to formulate anything just out of their own heart, mind, or experience. They are not true to you, nor to themselves.
@Krishna Patel Go for it! 😉I, too, was ashamed of myself, not going anywhere - others went to disco parties, met boys and girls, enjoyed themselves... Yeah, everything could be different, even my partner who resembles so much my vulnerable narc father. All the best to you!
Just guessing (before the stream started): - it's always a fight - they cannot let go - it's presumably always about them - they cannot accept mistakes, thus are condemned to repeat them over and over - they're always dependent on others to feel worthy - they are controlled by their current emotions aka mood swings - they have to possess impressive things - competitive thinking hinders them from unlocking their potential
Great list, expresses everything! Their perceived superior position makes life miserable for them. Everything around them is about drama, manipulation and/or destruction. Then they start hating others because they react as they react. They don't understand that normal people don't want to live in constant drama. Life is sad for them, very sad...
After watching your videos I've become aware that I'm an empath and a sitting duck for the narcissist. Armed with such knowledge I am ending a association with one. It's like being involved with an abuser in that the relationship has been up an down, but mostly downhill for me. I've had it! This ends today!.
You really hit it on the head when you mentioned "they have no inner calm". I am 37 and was raised in a house of narcissists, I'm only discovering that inner calm is even a thing now that I've cut off contact and started working on myself. Narcissists are the worst! Literally!
10 Ways Narcissists Just Don’t Get It 1 - Open to talking about *your* flaws ; closed to talking about their *own* flaws. _Team Healthy: Flaws will always show up. When they do, let’s have constructive conversation about both our flaws._ 2 - Low emotional intelligence; cannot pick up on nuances in what you say. 3 - Cannot handle relationship ambiguity; cannot wait and see; cannot handle change in your views. ( *They* can shift, but *you* must not.) 4 - See conflict as a relationship-ender. _Team Healthy: Conflict is temporary. Conflict can help us get to the heart of the matter. Conflict can help us know each other better._ 5 - Closed to life-long learning, especially in personal matters. “I already know everything I need to know. I don’t need to learn anything new.” _Team Healthy: Life is about growth and maturation. Thinking and opinions can change. It’s good to keep learning new things._ 6 - Their emotions are not well-disciplined. “I will wear you out and then move on.” _Team Healthy: Learn how to manage your emotions, control your anger, keep your anxiety in check, modulate your emotions._ 7 - Look at life as a consumer. “What will you do for me?” “What will you give me?” “How can I benefit from you?” _Team Healthy: Relationships are not about consumption_ . 8 - Live with a lack of peace. (They are only calm when everything lines up with their agenda.) _Team Healthy: Learn to be content, grateful, appreciate my own and other people’s accomplishments, have an inner sense of calmness._ 9 - Numb to the pain and hurt they generate in others. (Rude, dismissive, mean, caustic, uncaring, and when you call them out, they say you are too sensitive.) “If you have pain, I didn’t create it.” “You brought this on yourself.” 10 - Afraid of being irrelevant. _Team Healthy: Learn to blend. Relevance is not a competition; everyone is relevant in their own unique way._ You can talk till you’re blue in the face, and it will make no difference in the narcissist. Instead, when they blame you, look at the truth and look at where they are coming from. Even if they cannot join you, stick to the truth and stay on team healthy.
I'm burning tonight. Burning his stuff on the back of 2020. New Year, new start. Oh, didn't see it coming, but have done an awful lot of retrospection and thought very deeply about me as well. I own my part. I allowed myself to be used because I'm too accommodating. That needs to change.
Right there with you. I realize and have admitted my part to God, the narc, our kids, and myself, even though the narc and his cronies all say that I need to admit my mistakes and move on with the narc. In the end, it may be the narc who killed the relationship (if there ever really was one), but I aided and abetted.
I'm right there with you too..I didnt see this coming now ( Fall / Christmas 2020) but I started planning for it over a year ago knowing he was capable of doing this again ( yes again Dec 2015). I told him a few years ago, that if he did it once he will do it again..when I seen the first 'checkered' flag Sept 2019, I knew it was a matter of time even though he fooled me a few times during that time slot. Because of Covid , my anxiety is thru the roof daily. But not the disease itelf. He lost his job because of Covid and moved 6 hrs away and that is probably a blessing even though it's killing me right now. I am like a prisoner that just got out of prison and I have so much freedom that it is overwelming. It will take much time to heal but I will survivieand then one day I will wake up and realize it doesnt control me anymore. I have a long ways to go..but it will happen.
I loved my husband but living with him for over 30 years could be hellish. When he died, I destroyed most of his picture and gave away everything of his. I just wanted the memories gone. People just thought I was crazy but they never knew who he really way.
My bf told me that My problem is that I'm too accepting and forgiving. I guess he's right since I try to understand and forgive instead of being judgemental, but that also limits my ability of being able to cut bad things off.
OMG, this was my narc, could not deal with life and admitted that they used me as a shield. She said she attached herself to me because I was the strongest person she could find that could shield her from life. I wish I had known then that you can't fix these monsters. You can't love them into being whole, normal and unselfish. You cannot look at them through the lense of normal or moral, because they are neither of these.
So true, Tim, cowardly hiding behind you and knowing everything better. But it can take a long time to figure out that they are not normal, as they are superb manipulators. Good, that there is more information about narcissism available now.
They are parasites. They try and make you responsible for them. They actually try to call it love when they become 'helpless' and force you to rescue them from yet another drama or disaster. Then they blame you when anything goes wrong for them.
@@mariaawake4502 Thanks for the unsolicited advice. :) But no, not in the middle of anything, just well educated, especially thanks to people like Dr. C.
Same. Good luck. Hang in there. I don't know how far along you are in the process, but remember what your goal is as you navigate this difficult period.
@@WitlessSod thank you. Ive very much thinking the longer game. I moved out sept 11th and people tell.me I'm already better in temperament and in appearance. Its good to be away from the poison.
I was court-ordered not to contact my last partner--he was allowed to contact me, which just isn't fair but that's how the legal system works. When he realized that my life hadn't stopped just because I wasn't supposed to communicate with him, he got very sad but said he would let me go. 5-1/2 years later, he's finally loosening his grip and I'm thoroughly in love with someone else.
I've been applying some of the tactics like not engaging when he wants to argue and not talking about anything deep or revealing my deepest self and I noticed a shift in him. He is now acting pathetic..."I know u dont like me" or "too bad we can't be friends". I told him friends care about each other and support each other. He just doesn't get it. The word obtuse comes to mind.
Yes, you are right! Narc's have LOW emotional intelligence. Yes. He wants to "wear me out" & he is already looking to move on. My birthday is coming up. 10 years, no card, no cake, not even "here is a gift card." I am tired of being treated like I am just here for his convenience. I am 63, I am fine with being alone. This is not a partnership.
My husband did/does the same thing for our children and myself. I don't think I've ever had a gift from him... We've been married for 5.5 years, and I left a month ago.
Omg..mine hasn't given me a gift for any birthday or holiday, either. When I feel bad about it, he just adds up everything he's "done" for me, and says that's enough of a gift. On the other hand, if I dare think about not getting him a gift or if I don't get him something good enough, then it's hell, and I'm selfish. Also, when we're in public, he makes a scene and makes it known when he is paying for something. It's completely embarrassing.
Yesssss, when I married my narc I was looking for a help mate, a companion, a shoulder to cry on, someone who could lift me up when I was down. What I got was angsty, emotionally volital, broody teenager who was only 2 years younger than me. How can love survive when you feel like a parent to someone who should be your lover?
Conflict as a relationship ender My husband loathed any type of conflict so much so that he wouldn't communicate about it and preferred to avoid or run away from dealing with the conflict, instead of getting it out of the way and moved past. I knew he did this internal shut-down, but now I'm thinking about all the problems in our marriage and he did that for everything. I was the one left to deal with the unpleasantness while he burned rubber in the opposite direction. Our marriage ended because of this. He didn't want to do anything but focus on himself and leave me hanging. No compromises, no discussions, no solutions, just running away and showing off that big yellow streak down his back. This makes so much sense. Thank you.
You're the best. So intelligent. And your voice and personality is so soothing which helps so much when dealing with the anxiety of living with the narcissist and having to learn these hard things about people you love.
I think that the greatest trait that narcissists lack is humility. They are highly self-inflated, never admit to their mistakes or flaws, never care about who they hurt, always play the victim/martyr and expect those that they've destroyed to simply "forget it." This is why they hoover people whom they've inflicted abuse on and can't understand or accept why their victims want to stay away from them. Everything revolves around the needs of the narcissist and if it destroys other people (including innocent children) oh well, it's not their problem. For example, let's say that a couple is divorced because the husband cheated on the narcissist wife. She divorces the husband but then the children are not allowed to have a relationship with their father because he cheated on the narcissist. The narcissist doesn't have the ability to put aside the injury of adultry to do what's in the best interest of the children. Instead, the children are used to punish the husband for the adultry that was committed against the narcissist wife. Adultry is wrong , absolutely but a mature person would understand that this is a situation between husband and wife and to not involve the children. No matter what, children are entitled to the natural love of both parents and this should be encouraged by both parents. Narcissists act like little kids and sadly it's the children who suffer because they get caught up in the narcissists games.
Wow! I fit that scenario. Except partly because of the children I stayed with her. I was desperate for a sexual loving relationship with my wife but she denied us both. Only two time periods did she show a very deep intimacy and need for my love and that is how we had two wonderful children. As for the other sweet woman, all it took was a woman who showed any care and affection and I melted. I tried to get my wife into counseling but she refused that too. Said I was the one with the problem. So I agreed with her and went for counseling. Then she really blew up and that ended it. We can’t even show compassion and love to the narcissist because that is a trigger.
@@railscenes4959 same kind of situation with me. Once she found out, she went all out for revenge while continuing to use me for Narc supply and then discarded. Every time I pointed out her negative behavior, it was flipped to my affair. She never took any accountability. Her punishment did not fit my crime, she went 10x harder because of that Narc injury they can’t forgive or empathize
@@l.5832 It takes a lot of time. It is contradictory to all empaths that they treat others much, much better than they treat themselves. As if they wished the worst for themselves but the best for others. Hug 🌷
Wow, this explains my relationship w/my sister! Scary! Last week she called me up and I wasn't responding all happy-clappy that she called. "Are you okay?" She asked, in a subtly (read: sly) defensive tone. "I just don't feel like talking to anyone today" (I really didn't want to hear all about her issue du jour, but didn't feel the need to explain myself and didn't want to get into it w/her). "Oh. Okay. Bye." She said in a sulking tone. Two days later I called her to tell her I baked some cookies for her dog: "Hi, are you busy?" (wanting to know if she had time to talk). "Oh, you're ready to talk now?" She asked in a blattant snide and snark. Ignoring her, I told her about the cookies and how fun it was making them (life went on without her). "Hm, yeah?" Was her flat-toned, disinterested reply (sulking, again) "They're in the shape of little dog bones, and hearts. Really cute. I'll bring them to church on Sunday. See you then." "M-hm, sure." Again, disinterested and sulking. "Okay. Bye" "Bye" And I hung up. I knew she was trying real hard to get me to notice that she was angry with me, and attempting to guilt me into believing that I was mean for not wanting to talk to her the other day, and especially that I didn't make myself available to her and her problems (I cut off her supply) - but, I wasn't having it because I KNOW that I did absolutely nothing wrong or deserving of her anger. It really is like dealing w/ a 5 year old in a 60 year old woman's body!! 🤢🤮
@@christianpulisic7784 Thanks for this timely confirmation! Just last night I was telling God HE ALONE is my Father, not the narc man. These narc people are truly evil
Just said goodbye this AM to a "friend"...his replies were more excuses, "sorry u feel that way" w/no responsibility, and no concern for end of 3 yr friendship or how I felt. He said he had ADD but I think narcissism. Just put a need or boundary out to them & watch how they respond....tells u everything😔Goals for 2021: Get new healthy friends✨👯🙌Thanks for enlightening us always & Happy New Year❤💜🎉🎊🎆
@@cathibelow5310 Hi Kathy. Thanks for the positive support & sharing. I know! They always have an excuse vs action. Sick of the drama & acting like I don't matter. I DO matter. So do you. Best to us in the New Yr!!!!!✨💜🎆😉🌃🌺🍻
The narcissist is in constant torment internally and is constantly in confusion and fear so they cannot manage their life they have to constantly attached to someone like a parasite in order to help them with normal life situations
Torment perhaps but they do not "co depend" on people in order to manage life. It's not like the BPD or C-PTSD sufferer in that aspect. N's literally don't care about managing life, not really and why would they? They will just spin the narrative to make it appear that they are doing just fine and that it must be you that's at issue. Even with absolute failure it will still all be someone else's fault releasing them from the blame/responsibility. That's not managing anything. It's gaslighting, blameshifting,, escapism, avoidance! Don't forget that the N needs its fuel (the person they are abusing) to achieve relevance, to abuse, to feel confident and self fulfilled, and ultimately as a target to blameshift onto constantly to avoid taking responsibility for anything, even the smallest of things there will be 0 responsibility taken!
@@bigcconservativeguy2534 , they take no responsibility for their mistakes by being masters of verbal aggression. Stating your point of view , no matter how right you are, is senseless and usually only backfires.
@@mariaawake4502 Yes Maria, l have found this with my narc elder brother, It is as if l am not entitled to any opinion that doesn't match his. I am really running out of patience, difficult if you are an empath. A more selfish sister would have told him where to get off ages ago, which actually results in me being angry with myself for putting up with him! Help!! And get this, he moved in opposite me, not just into my town when we lost our parents, l have literally had to move to the back of my house to have some sort of barrier as he was in the habit of just walking up to my door! Any advise folks gratefully received.
@@amandaroberts5111 , my advice is to educate yourself on the subject of narcissism to determine for yourself , if you think, that your brother might really be a pathological narcissist. Maybe he acts this way , because of your parents´ passing.
This is the best list of characteristics of a problematic relationship I have ever seen/heard. I see how I ignored issues that always bothered me in several long-term relationships.
When you said they are drawn to the same mindless activities, that was an eye opener, Dr. C. Most of the narcissists that I have known are obsessed with watching television. If they are home, the TV is CONSTANTLY on, sometimes even in their sleep. 🙄
Oh my gosh, that is what I find so strange about them. They can sit and watch tv for hours on end and think nothing of it. That and the constant need to look at their phones. They don't experience life, they live through others. They are empty inside.
Whether you move to the left or right, back or forth, you never do it well for the narcissist. They always complain about everything, the smallest issues.
So true - reminds me of my narcissist friend who I had to get away from: she never noticed subtle looks on my face, and just barrelled on being really bossy and with bizarre outrageous demands. Yet was convinced she was the last word in seeing in to others' psyches, insisting I agree with her and praise her amazing self. She was a toddler in a 60 plus body. It was hurtful at the time because it was so relentless and stressful.
So true "let their emptiness run away with them", the signature is dysregulation ! I learned as a young child my narcissistic parent's goal was to create conflict to get perceived "ego hits"... everything is supply for validation. Even the young grandchildren want nothing to do with this mess! A sad hollow shell and waste of a human potential.
Hi Les, Great research good stuff. We must love ourselves,and our values,and stand alone in tough moments, and not tolerate these evil people in our life We all want to be loved.but with respect and dignity.Im 67 female and still learning,but a survivor. God bless and thank you Joy❤️❤️🧡 take care
I'm leaving my narc friend behind..the more i grow developmentally, spiritually, the more immature they seem to me...so superficial even though "on the surface" they want to "impress others" show that they have depth of character. The reality is that she's quite shallow....i'm noticing that more and more.
My ex regularly used to say "our relationship will be tested". I couldn't work out what he meant other than it felt like I was being tested all the time! Healthy, normal people don't say or do such strange things to their relationships. Testing a relationship to breaking point, eventually breaking it and then accusing the other person of being at fault and weak. I could go on but it was just such a ridiculous time in my life, I can't be bothered.
The thing that I found the most draining was that nothing ever got resolved. Every issue just went around in circles with me trying to talk and him avoiding it. It is a disgusting way to treat someone you "love". In the end I would be so tired I would just give up.
"Narcissist see conflict as a relationship ender " Holy hell. No wonder why I got broken up with a ZILLION times in a 3 year time span. That was so validating. Thank you Dr.C ❤
"You haven't changed in the last 30 years." "No. Why should I? Nobody's given me any reason to. If someone made a good enough argument, maybe I'd change, but nobody does. I think better, anyway."
Spot on! I finally blocked him and deleted his # I got sick of hearing "what are you talking about" all the time!! and how he avoided talking by saying everything was an attempt to start an argument. Life is too short.
I just made the decision to cut a sibling out of my life the other day because I've spent years being the "bad guy" in all of their scenarios, and it was always my fault that they were mad/hurt. They have always put themselves above everyone else (even their kids), and the whole family still gives in to their every whim/demand. They are always playing the victim. I finally realized they're the broken individual, and there was nothing I was ever going to be able to do to have a healthy relationship with them.
Yes I desperately want Team Healthy!... Everything you said is spot on... I feel I have been cursed... These people are terrible to deal with... I am at my wits end... I need to stop reacting... However, when you are put down so hard... It is very challenging not to retaliate... #GodHelpMe
I've been watching these videos for sometime now amd they are so exact on my husband. Thank you for showing me I'm not wrong and I'm definitely not crazy. After 25 years I now know that it has not been my fault amd everything that I've done to keep this marriage going is wrong. Going along with everything he says and isolating myself from everyone( even my children) just to avoid an argument that will go on all night until I get tired and give in. I will continue to watch these videos and try to be strong for myself and my kids.
What you probably should consider is making a plan to improve your life and the lives of your children, which probably does not include the narcissist currently in your realm. You can do better on your own, with God's help. It would be far more healthy for you and your children. The behavior/treatment your are living with and receiving is bad, and not a good example for the children. M, 04/26/2021
The worst feeling he left me with was after a rage, I was expected to be totally fine, even affectionate and want to give him wonderful supply right away. I'm not that person! As an empath, I couldn't drop what he'd said and wanted to let him know how much he hurt me. Never cared. No feeling
After being married to a narcissistic sociopath for over 20 years, I know that some of his behavior rubbed off on me and I think I'm permanently damaged. What this man said in #4 really struck me - conflict means ending the relationship. I always try to end things with my boyfriend when we argue. And I'm so cruel about it. I shut off all emotions like a light switch (another thing I picked up from my husband). My heart turns to stone and I try to kick him out and I seriously feel NOTHING, I don't care about him at all during these times. In fact, I don't have emotions 99% of the time anyway. I used to feel things, I was normal. What did that monster do to me?? How can I become human again?? Is it even possible? I WANT to feel things like I used to, but there's just nothing there.
@@Oceans780 I'm already in therapy for trauma, personality disorder, and domestic violence. I've been in therapy for these reasons for 27 years because I came from a home of abuse. Thousands of hours of various therapies and medications have not fixed me. I'm actually worse now that I have no emotions.
OMG! This is the exact Script (and by that I mean 100%) of the covert narc I’ve been married to for 10+ years but only gradually (last 2 years) woke up to realize and fully understand that he is not ‘normal’ ... kept thinking he had a mood disorder (depression, Bipolar etc) until some things happened ... if he was the grandiose kind I would have noticed it from miles away. Definitely ‘covert’ no doubt about it. Very apt description.
So very true about the lack of interest in learning. The massive N in my life, an older relative, would become angry if it were ever suggested she should take on anything new. "I don't NEED to learn how to use a computer!" etc etc She's always just festered in the same-old same old..
When you say something to them and they say 'i don't care' that might be the time they are telling the truth. I have very low contact with my ex and I'm happy seeing my children away from it all. Good video and spot on.
Narcissists definitively show patterns and have very predictable and contrived rituals. Everything has to be premeditated, even sex. If they hadn't planned on it, don't even think of mixing it up and going off script. Narcs are so very un-evolved and boring and yet they think they are so fascinating. My ex narc lived vicariously I think through watching TV. He based his life around watching his same TV shows, games etc. It made me sick how he could never be "in the moment." The TV was always blaring in the background. Even when his beloved dog died in front of him, he wouldn't shut off the blaring TV. He viewed his TV shows as his family. Very sad. I observed him on many occasions trying to mimic the expressions and lines from TV to use as his own. It's like that's how he learned to pass as "human or normal" to emulate people he thought were cool on TV because he had no true sense of self. He did this with people too. They are so un-unique and have no independent thoughts of their own other than, "I'm right, everyone else is wrong" yet then they steal everyone's ideas and opinions and thoughts and use them as their own. He often recycled my feelings and things I said to him right back at me as if they were his own feelings and experiences. They are pirates of reality. I also have noticed that they are insanely inept and lazy. Mine used everyone else in all areas of his life to do things for him yet he maintained he was a self made man. He had other people at work write his lesson plans and home improvements he said he accomplished was actually done by his brother and every time I made fabulous meals he said "WE" made them. They love to use people or as he called it "outsource" responsibilities and then take full credit for it. Weak individuals who won't do things for themselves, yet they actually believe they are a pro at everything and should be able to tell everyone else how to do life, like they are an expert even when they can't do it themselves. Crazy making.
I had an engagement ring taken away 3x in two years....over simple disagreements. However, “If I wouldn’t or would have said/done XYZ, he wouldn’t have reacted that way”. I said it was over 3 months ago and it got physical. They have zero self control or responsibility. Happy New Year to ME!!!
One of the things I have learned seeing all these behaviors for myself is I know not to engage with those who are incapable of understanding the empathy or reasoning you are trying to convey. Save your energy and your breath. Thank you Dr Carter this lesson is a great one, validates my feelings. So spot on with the Narcissists way of thinking. It must be difficult to be them with all the turmoil inside themselves.
Whenever I watch you video, I have a feeling that you observed me and provided a report. I can’t even describe my life with such a precision. It is such a reassuring feeling to hear your words of encouragement.
Yep, right on point sir. Down to the tee. I hate to be so experienced in this subject matter!!!! Will I ever find a true meaningful relationship??? Who knows, it's ok, I'm good with healing and being comfortable with myself before I can even begin to put my heart out there.
Soooooo true about ‘life-long learner.’ I did not understand how my mother continued the same patterns when they created the same scenario every time! I have always tried to look inward to find my part in a negative situation-try always to learn to do better! Mostly, this effort was in a futile attempt to navigate the minefield of her unpredictability. She NEVER accepted fault in anything! It was always someone else causing her to behave the way she did.
Lynn Jackson, Absolutely yes 100%. Narcissists like to make you think you're crazy for remembering what they said, by claiming they "never said that". I have infuriated narcissists who "never said that" when I played the recording of them saying it, when they didn't stop to realize they were being recorded (like at the home owner meeting for the homeowner association we all live in). The very same narcissist also loved to claim, "that's not what the homeowner association bylaws say!" when they thought we didn't have a copy of the bylaws right there to prove them wrong. Total madness.
But wait!! There's more.."I don't remember that, you misunderstood, you took it out of context, I was joking, I never said that, that never happened, that's not what I meant, can't I joke with my wife??!!, Etc. I'm sure there's more but I can't remember..oh wait "I don't remember that!" Lolol
Les Carter, Re: Top 10 talk. Wow! You are helping me understand. I fell in love with the wrong woman. I love her deeply. She loves me in her own way. We had 2 kids and now grandkids. Love em all! The narcissist side of her has been a continuous problem (50 years) that I still struggle to deal with. I even wonder if I’m the narcissist? I love humor, (Rodney Dangerfield type) making fun of myself, but never of her. She gets mad about my humor and tells me off in front of the people laughing at the joke. She has a knee jerk reaction to any question I ask. Her answer is always in the negative. Sometimes flat out “no”. It is very hard to find common ground with a person who is unable to say in a positive way what they want to do. Sometimes asking...”do you want to go out to eat?” can be a trigger. The b&w issue is a problem too. So you suggested counseling. Many years ago I tried that with her. She refused, no way, no how, never. The simple suggestion of counseling even created another issue that there was something wrong with me. I even agreed with her and told her that I wanted her help, but in order for counseling to work she needed to participate in counseling with me. She loves her church. The church offered counseling for couples. I suggested that we check it out. She still refused over several different discussions, especially after she would get mad at me. It was like throwing gas on the fire. Her reply was you are the one with the problem. OK, I agreed. Then sought out counseling for myself. I was in pain because I continued to make the woman I loved upset, stressed out, unable to discuss money, our sex life & even minor issues like my getting groceries. We are both 73 now and I have been trying to use our quarantine time together to heal our relationship as we approach our 50th anniversary. Surprisingly it is better now. She even commented once we are talking more. But she stills gets stressed any time I touch one of her triggers, especially in the morning. Later in the day she tends to mellow out. So I just try hard to avoid the triggers first thing in the morning, letting her sleep in. But my getting up in the morning, unless for work or important things, becomes a trigger. So I sleep in too. That works now because we are not going anywhere anyway. Then next thing she makes it an issue if I sleep in and she doesn’t. Am I a narcissist? Because I try to suit my own needs? I feel like it. Keep up your good work because I can listen & learn in private without burning the house down. BTW she stood by me thru thick & thin as I worked on the railroad and my volunteer, un paid, union work, & getting fired by the RR. It took 2 years but the union fought for me until the U.S. Arbitration board ruled in my favor, re-instated me with full benefits including RR Retirement which we both draw now because I maxed out RR Retirement at 60 with 40 years paid into it. Then my cancer & other health issues. So I know she loves me, but in her own way.
I understand completely. He won't go to counseling because he doesn't have the problem. And I'm the narc. I've even questioned myself if I am. He constantly tells me that I'm arrogant and think I'm too good to do this or that. I thought arrogance meant that you think highly of yourself. I'm totally opposite of that. I'm depressed and feel totally useless and worthless. I've never thought I was too good for whatever. Actually, I've never had a great opinion of myself. I see myself as average at best.
My ex narc was 45 and living with his mom. Couldn’t hold a job, lived in filth, pathological liar, closet gay and had been making videos of himself with men then hid them on the “hidden calculator” app.
Oh, he did pick up on my emotional state but it was a trap. If I said I was fine he'd know I wasn't but got supply from me ignoring myself and caring about him more than myself. If I spoke up and said I wasn't ok, he'd rage out and make me feel worse by his tantrums, making it all about him, watching me crumble even MORE and then he'd be happy and expect me to keep working. 😡 I believe they have high emotional EQ, but they use it to manipulate. They don't use it to empathize with your feelings...
I remember thinking, "I shouldnt have to fight so hard to be myself."
To be oneself should not be a fight but happiness. That's normal.
Oh boy & yes yes! Being yourself is so threatening to the Narcissist's twisted sense of right and wrong.
@Tranquility* Peace I totally agree, l found myself saying to my narc brother ' you are making a problem where there isn't one'
@Tranquility* Peace a lot ? .... everyday a little bit is at the end the whole world ! So , run, run, run ( away from these narcissists) and have fun, fun, fun, everyday and at the end, a world full of happiness !
@@amandaroberts5111 indeed, every solution is a problem for them.
I got goosebumps when I heard the phrase: “Narcissists want you to think you are the problem”, very true.
Gaslighting is their main « weapon» for this agenda.
Their main targets are the codependents
I know that feeling you are problem
They want everyone else to think you're the problem too
As another poster put it: “Trying to have a logical conversation with a narcissist is like trying to kick water up the stairs.”
So, so true!
That's really funny but sadly it's so true. It can be downright frustrating.
I’ll make this simple and quick. If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, you as an individual do not matter to your partner. You cannot change them; you cannot have a fulfilling, normal relationship. You must move on to save yourself.
Hi bro HOW when you have 3 kids with her, emotionally it’s soooo hard 24 years together😡😡😡
But we were there because we weren’t emotionally well, either. We faked it too.
Erik: But how can they be so opposite with their lifelong buddies?
@@prometheuspredator7971 : He deserted me. Three times. Now divorcing me after 37 yrs. Maybe the thick layer of “friends” he buried himself under will finally see his true self?
@@prometheuspredator7971: “He is a loser and uses people!” My sister-in-law’s EXACT WORDS to me about her ex-husband! (My hub’s brother). I just wouldn’t believe what she was telling me then, that was 10 yrs ago. That confirms narcissism runs in families. Their father was the ultimate alpha male narcissist who groomed his 4 sons that way deliberately, while using the mother as a slave to them all. When she did speak no one heard her. The guy was a b---rd. Thanks Prometheus 💗
Narcs keep you on a hamster wheel or merry-go-round. They keep you going in circles. You are moving but going nowhere in life, when dealing with them.
Exactly
And at the same time many people go in circles and get nowhere in life without dealing with narcs. We live in a fallen world and there is almost no place to hide 🙃
True dat
Yes! I literally got stuck in "freeze" mode due to my anxiety.. the day I left I finally got unstuck and Ive made more progress over the last few months than I did when I lived with my ex.. I just kept relapsing.. now Im on my way to become myself again and moving forward in life :)
You are right on the money. I am a ambitious succesful entrepernuer. I hustled to get her through school for her bsn. Thinking we gonna have it all when she starts working. On paper this narc makes double my regular job salary. She still riding old cars not trying to travel dont put money into kids education. Dam where is the money. She dont wear fancy bags or drink or smoke. She to selfish to ever give it away. I said to hell with it. Dont even matter. Waiting on my new boo., we Going everywhere seeing everything.
Yes, the worst is the non talkative narcissist. If you have to spend time with them, there's just this strained silence and there's something so creepy and awkward about it. Makes you feel like you're not good at talking but it's really their weird energy that is so hard to relate to.
Yes they are lousy conversationists as they are not really interested in other people
@@amandaroberts5111 well put!
Laila,yes I felt that way it was awkward to say the least!
YES! Thank goodness I'm not the only one noticing this in a relationship with a narc. Hated going out to restaurants together, as it was awkwardly trying to nervously make up a one-sided conversation or stick to only topics where I knew they had a strong opinion on and could contribute, or else try and maintain a boring, completely superficial/surface level convo (that is actually also one-sided). Worst is when they go off on a tangent about something you've heard too many times (topics like oral hygiene, how much they hate their friend's dog, how the wine tastes, etc). Worser still is when you actually have something you are excited to discuss and they just stare at you blankly while you're speaking, and you just know that they are not even listening to a word you're saying because the conversation that they are having with themselves in their head will always be more interesting to them. Haha, he was ALWAYS talking to himself. Either in his head when I wasn't there, or out loud the second I stepped out of the room. And he'd deny ever uttering a sound.
Omg been there. If he wasn’t on a bar stool at a fancy restaurant (talkative and engaging) but at home or something mundane, it was so uncomfortable. Completely checked out. Awkward and weird AF
Dr. C., I'm speechless. Every time I think your video's can't get any better, you blow me out of the water!!! I do believe you are an ambassador for mankind in your own way. We are all so BLESSED that you are in this world with us!!!
I know I am. Finding Dr.C is finding a true treasure in this world
He is a very gifted communicator.
He has been exposed to the full spectrum of personality disorders. The management of his own emotions are clearly a priceless personality asset. God bless you Dr C🕊❤️🙏🏻🇺🇸
Thanks so much for these good comments. I want us each to encourage one other as we try to figure all this out! I'm so grateful for my Surviving Narcissism community. So grateful. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you. You have allowed this year to be more peaceful, calm and nurturing. Best wishes to you and yours in the coming year 2021
They just "don't get it." It doesn't matter how many times you rehash the same issue, it just never feels resolved (which is why it continues to get rehashed!).
Exactly. I was going round in circles and thought I was losing my mind.
They enjoy torturing those closest to them.
So on point some of the commentators:
" JUST DON'T GET IT " either, you can't resolve what hasn't been resolved
This is my Narc
Breakfast - corn flakes soaked in milk for an hr, Toast and tea
Lunch cheese roll
Dinner either fast food or something thats cooked for him no veg usually something very simple
Never deviated from this routine for the past 10 yrs of me knowing him
Good news. All followers of Dr. Carter now know how to NOT be narcissistic supply!
The most prevalent trait in any narcissist that I have encountered is INSECURITY! They can never be wrong and if I point out anything they automatically say I’m mean to avoid hearing correction!
Or they say you’re disrespectful if they are your parent.
It is because of that insecurity they project always being in control. The reality is they are not.
@@girl-gx2ls every single time they say that!!!!
@@richardlandis793 actually, life out of control but loves to come off as in control!
@@jamaalhorton2343 Thank you for enforcing what I said.
They are stuck or frozen in time, space, mindsets, etc.
Arrested Development...Emotionally immature..They just don't get it..SMH..I had to remove myself from his 👋 presence...
Happy New Year..without all the unnecessary drama
so true and it goes round and round.
Those who celebrate the abusing of the innocent earn their 7 heaven wings. Complainers are 💩 🌮 🤡
...kind of like the Simpsons. 🤡
Someone should create a cartooon series about narcs driving each other crazy, to teach the world about these monsters... I can hear the theme song, now: [singing] "The Naar..ciss...ists!... [camera shot floating through the clouds].
@@devonjoners5512
Spot on!!! So tired of living with an always negative, raging, self absorbed, emotionally immature 53yo that has the emotional intelligence of a 3 yo. Can’t wait until I can leave and stop living my life walking on eggshells and being terrorized.
They do the same old things, wear the same clothes as 30+ years ago, the same TV and movies over and over, the same books (and if they get a new one, it’s from the same subject matter that they don’t stray from), same foods, etc etc etc. Then they mock you for your taste and choices and friendships.
Same old things!! So TRUE!
props for their warped reality
Narcissism and Asberger’s Disorder have many similar characteristics.
Never thought about this but you're right. My ex was wearing clothes he bought 30 years ago. And he lived his life like clockwork. When I got breast cancer my treatment interrupted his routine and he let me know it!
@@pianolearner7 God how awful. My brother came to 'support' me once when l was going for foot surgery and in agony. Although there was lots of chairs in the waiting room he sat ant the other end and did his usual crossword!!!
1. @2:25: Open to talking about your flaws but closed to talking about their own.
2. @3:36: Operate with low emotional intelligence in general.
3. @4:56: Baffled by relationship ambiguity.
4. @5:58: See conflict as relationship ender.
5. @6:58: Closed to lifelong learning.
6. @7:58: Emotions are not disciplined.
7. @8:59: Approach relationships as a consumer.
8. @9:50: Lack of inner peace.
9. @10:40: Numb to the hurt & pain they generate.
10. @11:30: Live with the fear of irrelevancy.
Thank you! :)
@CRW LH: thank you 😊
Number #4 doesn’t compute with me. In my experience, narcissists live and breathe conflict. Conflict with a narcissist should be a relationship ender for a well person, otherwise they will be stuck in a hell hole.
@@interestinglyenough7601 I'm not positive but I think Dr G was addressing when they bring up breaking up/divorcing during disagreements to shut their partners down, to get their way. The covert I was with threatened divorce and or If I "didn't shut up/give up" he was "going to leave" a lot to accomplish just that. When I was the one that brought up divorce i meant it and was done, the next thing that happened was him being asked to leave and then divorcing him. Making that threat during every disagreement or most of them to control your partners communication needs and deny them basic respect is manipulative and it's also abusive.
@@JG-cj6pc thank you, this definitely sheds more light on it
I think the worse thing a narcissist does to you is make you feel irrelevant.
I concur wholeheartedly
Absolutely yu tell a healthy parent how things are going and they change the subject to themselves.
My Mom tried to do that to her children that she doesn't like. So, now she talks to four of her children, and doesn't talk to the other four. She is so self-righteous, it almost resembles autism...because she can't even logically defend some of her beliefs.
Very hurtful, you’re not heard, seen or validated, EVER!
To bad they see conflict as a relationship ender but never let the relationship end!
Word
Serious. I broke up with mine, moved states away, he texts me like we are still together and I ignore.
WORDDD! Crazy right?
Right!
This always puzzled me! Could go weeks without talking and then pretend like nothing happened.. bizarre
Any "relationship" with a Narcissist is like death by a million paper cuts.
Oh so true.
Having had a narcissist mother I realize at my advanced age that I was primed to seek out people who were narcissist due to my conditioning. I have left a frustrating and often sad trail of broken narcissistic past relationships. No more because I have finally seen the light.
My husband said to me last night: I don’t want to learn anything. Flat out as a statement of fact. And I believed him. So you are absolutely right Dr C. No lifelong learning.
I need to do a video on emotional laziness. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism Yes!!! Please do!!
they think they know everything or at least everything they NEED to know in their opinion so no they do not want to learn anything from OTHERS especially others they deem inferior to them which is everyone!!!
They can’t be interested in learning if they aren’t interested period.
Mine said that so many times too
If I'd only knew this stuff 32 years old I could have saved myself a whole of hurt and could had saved my children 💔 this stuff should be taught in schools
“They’re gonna think: If you have pain, I didn’t create it. If you do have pain, you deserve it anyway. You probably brought it on yourself.” So true... That’s exactly how they think😔😢🥺. When I got tearful because of the pain he created, he looked at me in disgust - without even the slightest sign of guilt or sympathy.
He probably saw himself in you at that moment therefor he felt disgusted with himself.
I feel you :(
Yoshie さん。 あけましておめでとうございます。
彼が あなた の なみだ 見ると 冷たくたり、あなたの 痛みを 見ると 何も 感じる。本当の 愛が 愛する 人の 痛みが 自分の 痛みと 同じです、しやわせの 時 も、愛する 人の 喜びが 自分の 喜び になる。そして、自分の せきにんが ます 自分に守り自分に愛する事です。そうしないと べつの 人々に 愛する事が出来ません、から、多分 その 人が まだまだ 自分に愛する しない、yoshie さが、そのような 事が ゆるしたら。。も 自分に愛する していない。 もし、その 人が 同じことが 続けて、自分を愛して、別れる ほうがいいと思います。難しいですが もっと 優しくて 実る
人々が いるに違いない。
スペイン 心理学者 から、あいさつ を 送ります！🙏🙇🏼がんばてください。💃🏽
He thinks you are weak, "emotional" is just another word for irrational in their eye
Same. He says “you cry about everything.” “You need to be less sensitive.”
If you once made a mistake, narcs will put you into that box and they will not believe you were capable of improving. For example if you broke one glass, you will be the one "always breaking glasses". Now I understand why they are doing this.
They themselves are not capable of learning and they think the same way of others. Rather interesting.
I heard someone else say something similar to this.
@MsYogaGrrrl Yes l think they like to wrong foot you then sneer. At least my narc does...
I burned something on the stove once, now every time "I'm burning the house down"...
Common to autism with mind-blindness - I disagree that a lot of 'narcs' do things on purpose it's more that they do what works for them and are not thinking of you, at all. It would come as a suprise to them that you have a different mind than them and different feelings and dreams. It took me a while to see my sons as individuals but you can learn.
The narcissist knows right from wrong, but they choose to live in their fantasy world and expect to be catered to so they never have to face being grown up.
Jennifer Page: I don’t think they even know right from wrong. Their brains don’t work evaluating like normal people. All they see is what is in front of their face at the moment.
Preeeeaaacchhh!!!! Yes!!!! That part!!!!👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
Yes Jennifer, I agree with you and revise my comment. I agree they do know right from wrong but refuse to acknowledge the “right” part if out of their comfort zone. The cocoon they wrapped themselves in in avoidance.
One of the narcissist in my family has read every self-help book the side of the Pecos River… Not for self improvement (as you would think), but so he can tell YOU what’s wrong with YOU!
Omg...that would drive me nuts! I read a lot of self-help books too and find myself from time to time thinking about how other people have the issues that I'm reading about...and then I would hesitate and have to check myself and ask myself if I'm guilty too...a lot of the times, I am!! 😂 I think it's natural to automatically see the flaws in others first as a way to protect ourselves..but sooner or later, we have to face reality and accept the truth..which they don't seem to be able to do..
I know a few who are like that with the Bible.
@@annabee922 You hesitate to inform them, so that's conscienscious.
What a tool....
🤨
The list is definitely not exhaustive but here’s what I’ve been on the receiving end of:
1) they have to always “win”
2) they don’t introspect
3) they always think in dualities - ie you are with me or you are against me
4) they refuse to receive input especially if it’s not in line with their agenda
5) they must be seen as perfect, mainly in public or whoever they perceive as "powerful"
6) they long failed to realize that life is full of nuances
7) they learned that life is a pecking order - either control others or be controlled.
8) they refuse to take responsibility for their problems
9) they refuse to seek proper professional help because it means having to do #8. Worst part is they'll try to manipulate the counsellor.
10) they may have some mental problems like paranoia, neuroticism, that prevent them from growing up
The part I find most disturbing is the flying monkeys, useful idiots, or poor influences who aid or abet them.
Sounsike you got it. (I'm being goid natured in tone when I say "We can skip the video,now.")
@@sage9836 Thanks. Although Dr C has a much better way of saying what I wrote and probably has other points that I didn't consider.
Your last point, though not numbered as the rest, LOL, is very important! It’s not only disturbing, it can prove heartbreaking! I am not one of the monkeys, so I am useless. The flying monkey in the realm of my family, is used beyond reason...therefore, she is the “family treasure”! Since Christmas just passed (I’ve seen this in past years), though I am no longer around them to observe, I’m just minimally curious to see what she received from them THIS year...they shower her with expensive gifts and praise for all she does for them, even though they pay her at the time of each chore she is beckoned to perform. NOTHING is worth being the “monkey”, of course, but that’s only the thought of THIS observer....the “monkey” is quite happy in her role, not understanding that their “love” is highly conditional!
Wow - what a great, comprehensive list! 👏👏👏
Such an accurate list! Spot on!!
They seem to go through the same drama over and over and over again. You’d think that the repeated failures would “awaken” them to their true self. However, that doesn’t happen.
So true they repeat the same toxic and destructive behavior every day
Walk away from the drama.
@RainbowDreams30
All their relationships fail! It's the way they are. Also, they go straight out of one relationship into the next relationship, a lot of the time with overlap, as they cannot manage alone!
My experience, When narcissist say something, nothing coming from heart or thoughts. Coming from mouth.
In my experience, they even do not have the opinion of their very own. They read (or hear) something, identify with it - especially if it is from a source they consider "respectful" - and then present it as their own, or make a loong lecture about it, boasting how smart they are. They are too afraid to formulate anything just out of their own heart, mind, or experience. They are not true to you, nor to themselves.
Maybe what they say is coming from the demons that control their mind.
@@Jane-gt6ef that's so true
@Krishna Patel Go for it! 😉I, too, was ashamed of myself, not going anywhere - others went to disco parties, met boys and girls, enjoyed themselves... Yeah, everything could be different, even my partner who resembles so much my vulnerable narc father. All the best to you!
When they rage you get the sense that it's coming from their heart! It's deep, deep panicked hatred..
Just guessing (before the stream started):
- it's always a fight
- they cannot let go
- it's presumably always about them
- they cannot accept mistakes, thus are condemned to repeat them over and over
- they're always dependent on others to feel worthy
- they are controlled by their current emotions aka mood swings
- they have to possess impressive things
- competitive thinking hinders them from unlocking their potential
Great list, expresses everything! Their perceived superior position makes life miserable for them. Everything around them is about drama, manipulation and/or destruction. Then they start hating others because they react as they react. They don't understand that normal people don't want to live in constant drama. Life is sad for them, very sad...
Spot on!
Agreed!
While it is always good to hear it, its good to see someone has taken notes for all of us!! ~Thx!!
Got it!
After watching your videos I've become aware that I'm an empath and a sitting duck for the narcissist. Armed with such knowledge I am ending a association with one. It's like being involved with an abuser in that the relationship has been up an down, but mostly downhill for me. I've had it! This ends today!.
I'm sorry you feel the relationship wasn't the best I've been happy """
My guess is they act like a petulant little kid playing house -, as an adult- "I'm the grownup here, so I know what everybody has to do!"
Sage. Yes ! Like Angelica in Rugrats !
When playing Barbie's dolls as a child, my sister always had to play like she was the adult in charge (she was the youngest child): L.O.L.
@@douglaswayne5222 Mom got that right. I am sorry for your loss.
@@christinahall2587 I need to see that. Theres a book i thought if called Little Miss Bossy.
@@kre8iveingenuity228 Oh, I remember that, and its funny to remember how the bossy kid was. I knew one who turned out to be a nice adult.
You really hit it on the head when you mentioned "they have no inner calm". I am 37 and was raised in a house of narcissists, I'm only discovering that inner calm is even a thing now that I've cut off contact and started working on myself. Narcissists are the worst! Literally!
10 Ways Narcissists Just Don’t Get It
1 - Open to talking about *your* flaws ; closed to talking about their *own* flaws.
_Team Healthy: Flaws will always show up. When they do, let’s have constructive conversation about both our flaws._
2 - Low emotional intelligence; cannot pick up on nuances in what you say.
3 - Cannot handle relationship ambiguity; cannot wait and see; cannot handle change in your views. ( *They* can shift, but *you* must not.)
4 - See conflict as a relationship-ender.
_Team Healthy: Conflict is temporary. Conflict can help us get to the heart of the matter. Conflict can help us know each other better._
5 - Closed to life-long learning, especially in personal matters. “I already know everything I need to know. I don’t need to learn anything new.”
_Team Healthy: Life is about growth and maturation. Thinking and opinions can change. It’s good to keep learning new things._
6 - Their emotions are not well-disciplined. “I will wear you out and then move on.”
_Team Healthy: Learn how to manage your emotions, control your anger, keep your anxiety in check, modulate your emotions._
7 - Look at life as a consumer. “What will you do for me?” “What will you give me?” “How can I benefit from you?”
_Team Healthy: Relationships are not about consumption_ .
8 - Live with a lack of peace. (They are only calm when everything lines up with their agenda.)
_Team Healthy: Learn to be content, grateful, appreciate my own and other people’s accomplishments, have an inner sense of calmness._
9 - Numb to the pain and hurt they generate in others. (Rude, dismissive, mean, caustic, uncaring, and when you call them out, they say you are too sensitive.) “If you have pain, I didn’t create it.” “You brought this on yourself.”
10 - Afraid of being irrelevant.
_Team Healthy: Learn to blend. Relevance is not a competition; everyone is relevant in their own unique way._
You can talk till you’re blue in the face, and it will make no difference in the narcissist. Instead, when they blame you, look at the truth and look at where they are coming from. Even if they cannot join you, stick to the truth and stay on team healthy.
I'm just gonna wear you out and move on is the a typical narcissist . All narcissist bare this trait. Very good discernment
I'm burning tonight. Burning his stuff on the back of 2020. New Year, new start. Oh, didn't see it coming, but have done an awful lot of retrospection and thought very deeply about me as well. I own my part. I allowed myself to be used because I'm too accommodating. That needs to change.
Right there with you. I realize and have admitted my part to God, the narc, our kids, and myself, even though the narc and his cronies all say that I need to admit my mistakes and move on with the narc. In the end, it may be the narc who killed the relationship (if there ever really was one), but I aided and abetted.
I'm right there with you too..I didnt see this coming now ( Fall / Christmas 2020) but I started planning for it over a year ago knowing he was capable of doing this again ( yes again Dec 2015). I told him a few years ago, that if he did it once he will do it again..when I seen the first 'checkered' flag Sept 2019, I knew it was a matter of time even though he fooled me a few times during that time slot. Because of Covid , my anxiety is thru the roof daily. But not the disease itelf. He lost his job because of Covid and moved 6 hrs away and that is probably a blessing even though it's killing me right now. I am like a prisoner that just got out of prison and I have so much freedom that it is overwelming. It will take much time to heal but I will survivieand then one day I will wake up and realize it doesnt control me anymore. I have a long ways to go..but it will happen.
I loved my husband but living with him for over 30 years could be hellish. When he died, I destroyed most of his picture and gave away everything of his. I just wanted the memories gone. People just thought I was crazy but they never knew who he really way.
My bf told me that My problem is that I'm too accepting and forgiving. I guess he's right since I try to understand and forgive instead of being judgemental, but that also limits my ability of being able to cut bad things off.
When I had any type of conflict with my sister, there would be years of silence. I had to back away from this.
Everything you talked about relates back to their absolute lack of empathy. That’s the worst thing about dealing with them, for me.😭
OMG, this was my narc, could not deal with life and admitted that they used me as a shield. She said she attached herself to me because I was the strongest person she could find that could shield her from life. I wish I had known then that you can't fix these monsters. You can't love them into being whole, normal and unselfish. You cannot look at them through the lense of normal or moral, because they are neither of these.
So true, Tim, cowardly hiding behind you and knowing everything better. But it can take a long time to figure out that they are not normal, as they are superb manipulators. Good, that there is more information about narcissism available now.
They are parasites. They try and make you responsible for them. They actually try to call it love when they become 'helpless' and force you to rescue them from yet another drama or disaster. Then they blame you when anything goes wrong for them.
@@obscurum6 Sounds like you are truly in the middle of feeding a greedy narcissist. My advice: Find out more about "narcissistic supply".
@@mariaawake4502
Thanks for the unsolicited advice. :) But no, not in the middle of anything, just well educated, especially thanks to people like Dr. C.
@@mariaawake4502
Sounds like you have experienced narcissistic feeding for a long time by what you said to Tim. Are you out now?
This is my estranged wife to a T. Divorce is in process, she's more angry that I'm moving forward, than the fact I moved out.
Same. Good luck. Hang in there. I don't know how far along you are in the process, but remember what your goal is as you navigate this difficult period.
@@WitlessSod thank you. Ive very much thinking the longer game. I moved out sept 11th and people tell.me I'm already better in temperament and in appearance. Its good to be away from the poison.
Ditto!
I was court-ordered not to contact my last partner--he was allowed to contact me, which just isn't fair but that's how the legal system works. When he realized that my life hadn't stopped just because I wasn't supposed to communicate with him, he got very sad but said he would let me go. 5-1/2 years later, he's finally loosening his grip and I'm thoroughly in love with someone else.
I've been applying some of the tactics like not engaging when he wants to argue and not talking about anything deep or revealing my deepest self and I noticed a shift in him. He is now acting pathetic..."I know u dont like me" or "too bad we can't be friends". I told him friends care about each other and support each other. He just doesn't get it. The word obtuse comes to mind.
Yes, you are right! Narc's have LOW emotional intelligence. Yes. He wants to "wear me out" & he is already looking to move on. My birthday is coming up. 10 years, no card, no cake, not even "here is a gift card." I am tired of being treated like I am just here for his convenience. I am 63, I am fine with being alone. This is not a partnership.
There is someone out there worthy of you, time to go!
My husband did/does the same thing for our children and myself. I don't think I've ever had a gift from him... We've been married for 5.5 years, and I left a month ago.
Absolutely! That Mr Right is out there! Let Mr Narc go fly a kite. You have bigger fish to fry!
Omg..mine hasn't given me a gift for any birthday or holiday, either. When I feel bad about it, he just adds up everything he's "done" for me, and says that's enough of a gift. On the other hand, if I dare think about not getting him a gift or if I don't get him something good enough, then it's hell, and I'm selfish. Also, when we're in public, he makes a scene and makes it known when he is paying for something. It's completely embarrassing.
@@Ashley-lj5jv I am sorry Ashley. I understand how you feel
I spend alot of time thinking "it shouldnt be this difficult"
Me too😟spend a lot of thimes thinking "why dont they see thru them?is it just me?".."then its true,im the one who is crazy"..
Yesssss, when I married my narc I was looking for a help mate, a companion, a shoulder to cry on, someone who could lift me up when I was down. What I got was angsty, emotionally volital, broody teenager who was only 2 years younger than me. How can love survive when you feel like a parent to someone who should be your lover?
I just learned that the "n" housemate is going to visit one of her friends out-of-state. Best New Year's gift ever!
And she has to shelter in place away from you for two weeks when returning
@@laurac5451
"Need some time to think about the relationship"?
@@fuck_Russian_bots they said housemate not wife.
@@fuck_Russian_bots So what ? Or they think about ,feel about, and care about is themselves anyway
Maybe move all their stuff into storage and change the locks. Its really tempting.
Conflict as a relationship ender
My husband loathed any type of conflict so much so that he wouldn't communicate about it and preferred to avoid or run away from dealing with the conflict, instead of getting it out of the way and moved past. I knew he did this internal shut-down, but now I'm thinking about all the problems in our marriage and he did that for everything. I was the one left to deal with the unpleasantness while he burned rubber in the opposite direction. Our marriage ended because of this. He didn't want to do anything but focus on himself and leave me hanging. No compromises, no discussions, no solutions, just running away and showing off that big yellow streak down his back.
This makes so much sense. Thank you.
You're the best. So intelligent. And your voice and personality is so soothing which helps so much when dealing with the anxiety of living with the narcissist and having to learn these hard things about people you love.
I think that the greatest trait that narcissists lack is humility. They are highly self-inflated, never admit to their mistakes or flaws, never care about who they hurt, always play the victim/martyr and expect those that they've destroyed to simply "forget it." This is why they hoover people whom they've inflicted abuse on and can't understand or accept why their victims want to stay away from them. Everything revolves around the needs of the narcissist and if it destroys other people (including innocent children) oh well, it's not their problem.
For example, let's say that a couple is divorced because the husband cheated on the narcissist wife. She divorces the husband but then the children are not allowed to have a relationship with their father because he cheated on the narcissist. The narcissist doesn't have the ability to put aside the injury of adultry to do what's in the best interest of the children. Instead, the children are used to punish the husband for the adultry that was committed against the narcissist wife. Adultry is wrong , absolutely but a mature person would understand that this is a situation between husband and wife and to not involve the children. No matter what, children are entitled to the natural love of both parents and this should be encouraged by both parents. Narcissists act like little kids and sadly it's the children who suffer because they get caught up in the narcissists games.
Wow! I fit that scenario. Except partly because of the children I stayed with her. I was desperate for a sexual loving relationship with my wife but she denied us both. Only two time periods did she show a very deep intimacy and need for my love and that is how we had two wonderful children. As for the other sweet woman, all it took was a woman who showed any care and affection and I melted. I tried to get my wife into counseling but she refused that too. Said I was the one with the problem. So I agreed with her and went for counseling. Then she really blew up and that ended it. We can’t even show compassion and love to the narcissist because that is a trigger.
@@railscenes4959 same kind of situation with me. Once she found out, she went all out for revenge while continuing to use me for Narc supply and then discarded. Every time I pointed out her negative behavior, it was flipped to my affair. She never took any accountability. Her punishment did not fit my crime, she went 10x harder because of that Narc injury they can’t forgive or empathize
Why is it that just listening to a video about narcs I come away totally exhausted???
Narcissists are energy suckers. Dr. C
Always drama and messes
I guess it reminded you how you feel when you are around a narc. PTSD.
@@Jane-gt6ef Yes. Unfortunately I have been battling PTSD for several years. I thought I was getting better.....
@@l.5832 It takes a lot of time. It is contradictory to all empaths that they treat others much, much better than they treat themselves. As if they wished the worst for themselves but the best for others. Hug 🌷
Wow, this explains my relationship w/my sister! Scary!
Last week she called me up and I wasn't responding all happy-clappy that she called.
"Are you okay?" She asked, in a subtly (read: sly) defensive tone.
"I just don't feel like talking to anyone today" (I really didn't want to hear all about her issue du jour, but didn't feel the need to explain myself and didn't want to get into it w/her).
"Oh. Okay. Bye." She said in a sulking tone.
Two days later I called her to tell her I baked some cookies for her dog:
"Hi, are you busy?" (wanting to know if she had time to talk).
"Oh, you're ready to talk now?" She asked in a blattant snide and snark.
Ignoring her, I told her about the cookies and how fun it was making them (life went on without her).
"Hm, yeah?" Was her flat-toned, disinterested reply (sulking, again)
"They're in the shape of little dog bones, and hearts. Really cute. I'll bring them to church on Sunday. See you then."
"M-hm, sure." Again, disinterested and sulking.
"Okay. Bye"
"Bye"
And I hung up.
I knew she was trying real hard to get me to notice that she was angry with me, and attempting to guilt me into believing that I was mean for not wanting to talk to her the other day, and especially that I didn't make myself available to her and her problems (I cut off her supply) - but, I wasn't having it because I KNOW that I did absolutely nothing wrong or deserving of her anger.
It really is like dealing w/ a 5 year old in a 60 year old woman's body!! 🤢🤮
I finally don't believe their lies anymore and I see that it's them and not me! Hallelujah! they simply just don't get it!
Samiksa Love,You are beautiful 🌹🌹🥀,you don't need a narc 😈 in your life!!
@@christianpulisic7784 Thanks for this timely confirmation! Just last night I was telling God HE ALONE is my Father, not the narc man. These narc people are truly evil
@@BlessedForever888 You are welcome dearest 🌹🌷🌺.I am Christian from the States. You?
Just said goodbye this AM to a "friend"...his replies were more excuses, "sorry u feel that way" w/no responsibility, and no concern for end of 3 yr friendship or how I felt. He said he had ADD but I think narcissism. Just put a need or boundary out to them & watch how they respond....tells u everything😔Goals for 2021: Get new healthy friends✨👯🙌Thanks for enlightening us always & Happy New Year❤💜🎉🎊🎆
@@cathibelow5310 Hi Kathy. Thanks for the positive support & sharing. I know! They always have an excuse vs action. Sick of the drama & acting like I don't matter. I DO matter. So do you. Best to us in the New Yr!!!!!✨💜🎆😉🌃🌺🍻
@@cathibelow5310 ☺😎💫👍🔥✌
Yes’s. My ex had ADHD, or so he claimed. It’s an excuse for everything apparently. 🙄
@@laurieduncan6096 I know. I've heard that excuse for 10 yrs from people. Just gives them license to get away with things. 😞
Omg mine said he had ADHD too!!! Do they all communicate??
The narcissist is in constant torment internally and is constantly in confusion and fear so they cannot manage their life they have to constantly attached to someone like a parasite in order to help them with normal life situations
Torment perhaps but they do not "co depend" on people in order to manage life. It's not like the BPD or C-PTSD sufferer in that aspect. N's literally don't care about managing life, not really and why would they? They will just spin the narrative to make it appear that they are doing just fine and that it must be you that's at issue. Even with absolute failure it will still all be someone else's fault releasing them from the blame/responsibility. That's not managing anything. It's gaslighting, blameshifting,, escapism, avoidance! Don't forget that the N needs its fuel (the person they are abusing) to achieve relevance, to abuse, to feel confident and self fulfilled, and ultimately as a target to blameshift onto constantly to avoid taking responsibility for anything, even the smallest of things there will be 0 responsibility taken!
@@bigcconservativeguy2534 , they take no responsibility for their mistakes by being masters of verbal aggression. Stating your point of view , no matter how right you are, is senseless and usually only backfires.
That is an interesting way of putting it, thanks.
@@mariaawake4502 Yes Maria, l have found this with my narc elder brother, It is as if l am not entitled to any opinion that doesn't match his. I am really running out of patience, difficult if you are an empath. A more selfish sister would have told him where to get off ages ago, which actually results in me being angry with myself for putting up with him! Help!! And get this, he moved in opposite me, not just into my town when we lost our parents, l have literally had to move to the back of my house to have some sort of barrier as he was in the habit of just walking up to my door! Any advise folks gratefully received.
@@amandaroberts5111 , my advice is to educate yourself on the subject of narcissism to determine for yourself , if you think, that your brother might really be a pathological narcissist. Maybe he acts this way , because of your parents´ passing.
This is the best list of characteristics of a problematic relationship I have ever seen/heard. I see how I ignored issues that always bothered me in several long-term relationships.
I was too scared to trust my own judgement to go forward into another relationship
I can relate sis.
When you said they are drawn to the same mindless activities, that was an eye opener, Dr. C. Most of the narcissists that I have known are obsessed with watching television. If they are home, the TV is CONSTANTLY on, sometimes even in their sleep. 🙄
Oh my gosh, that is what I find so strange about them. They can sit and watch tv for hours on end and think nothing of it. That and the constant need to look at their phones. They don't experience life, they live through others. They are empty inside.
@@shell587 Yes, very sad.
Whether you move to the left or right, back or forth, you never do it well for the narcissist.
They always complain about everything, the smallest issues.
God bless you Doctor Carter!
So true - reminds me of my narcissist friend who I had to get away from: she never noticed subtle looks on my face, and just barrelled on being really bossy and with bizarre outrageous demands. Yet was convinced she was the last word in seeing in to others' psyches, insisting I agree with her and praise her amazing self. She was a toddler in a 60 plus body. It was hurtful at the time because it was so relentless and stressful.
Relentless is such an accurate word. It's just push, push, push. Like a bulldozer.
So true "let their emptiness run away with them", the signature is dysregulation ! I learned as a young child my narcissistic parent's goal was to create conflict to get perceived "ego hits"... everything is supply for validation. Even the young grandchildren want nothing to do with this mess! A sad hollow shell and waste of a human potential.
so so true
They have a comfort . They like it and change is nope.
#8 & #10 are the most frequent indicators!! They will quit a hobby or project the minute it no longer gets them other people's attention!
Hi Les, Great research good stuff. We must love ourselves,and our values,and stand alone in tough moments, and not tolerate these evil people in our life We all want to be loved.but with respect and dignity.Im 67 female and still learning,but a survivor. God bless and thank you Joy❤️❤️🧡 take care
Thanks Yoy Reeks. Les
I'm leaving my narc friend behind..the more i grow developmentally, spiritually, the more immature they seem to me...so superficial even though "on the surface" they want to "impress others" show that they have depth of character. The reality is that she's quite shallow....i'm noticing that more and more.
My ex regularly used to say "our relationship will be tested". I couldn't work out what he meant other than it felt like I was being tested all the time! Healthy, normal people don't say or do such strange things to their relationships. Testing a relationship to breaking point, eventually breaking it and then accusing the other person of being at fault and weak. I could go on but it was just such a ridiculous time in my life, I can't be bothered.
To sum it all up in one simple phrase, Run for your life.
The thing that I found the most draining was that nothing ever got resolved. Every issue just went around in circles with me trying to talk and him avoiding it. It is a disgusting way to treat someone you "love". In the end I would be so tired I would just give up.
"Narcissist see conflict as a relationship ender "
Holy hell. No wonder why I got broken up with a ZILLION times in a 3 year time span. That was so validating. Thank you Dr.C ❤
How can I not hate this person for doing this to me for 60 yrs. & teaching my 5 Sons’ it’s all your MOTHER’S fault!!!!!!!!!!
"You haven't changed in the last 30 years." "No. Why should I? Nobody's given me any reason to. If someone made a good enough argument, maybe I'd change, but nobody does. I think better, anyway."
Spot on! I finally blocked him and deleted his # I got sick of hearing "what are you talking about" all the time!! and how he avoided talking by saying everything was an attempt to start an argument. Life is too short.
I just made the decision to cut a sibling out of my life the other day because I've spent years being the "bad guy" in all of their scenarios, and it was always my fault that they were mad/hurt. They have always put themselves above everyone else (even their kids), and the whole family still gives in to their every whim/demand. They are always playing the victim. I finally realized they're the broken individual, and there was nothing I was ever going to be able to do to have a healthy relationship with them.
Sad for their kids :-(
And the family thinks it is you who have the problem. Stay strong my friend. We went through the same thing.
You are not alone.
Eight years NC for one sibling and grey rock for the other.
Me too
Life will get much simpler and sane. You are not alone.
Yes I desperately want Team Healthy!... Everything you said is spot on... I feel I have been cursed... These people are terrible to deal with... I am at my wits end... I need to stop reacting... However, when you are put down so hard... It is very challenging not to retaliate... #GodHelpMe
Lean on God he can handle the revenge let it go.
Once I gave the revenge up and God had it, immediately I started getting better.
I've been watching these videos for sometime now amd they are so exact on my husband. Thank you for showing me I'm not wrong and I'm definitely not crazy. After 25 years I now know that it has not been my fault amd everything that I've done to keep this marriage going is wrong. Going along with everything he says and isolating myself from everyone( even my children) just to avoid an argument that will go on all night until I get tired and give in. I will continue to watch these videos and try to be strong for myself and my kids.
What you probably should consider is making a plan to improve your life and the lives of your children, which probably does not include the narcissist currently in your realm. You can do better on your own, with God's help. It would be far more healthy for you and your children. The behavior/treatment your are living with and receiving is bad, and not a good example for the children. M, 04/26/2021
The worst feeling he left me with was after a rage, I was expected to be totally fine, even affectionate and want to give him wonderful supply right away. I'm not that person! As an empath, I couldn't drop what he'd said and wanted to let him know how much he hurt me. Never cared. No feeling
Can’t wait to see this! I definitely am seeing the narcissist in my life slowly having increased difficulty managing life with each passing day.
Be careful this is when they become more poisonous
Diane Eberle,your pretty smile makes me happy!
So in many ways....it's like dealing with a mean toddler.
Narcs are worst teamworkers ever
Best video you have EVER done. Bravo 👏 and Ty.
Thanks, Willie. Dr. C
After being married to a narcissistic sociopath for over 20 years, I know that some of his behavior rubbed off on me and I think I'm permanently damaged. What this man said in #4 really struck me - conflict means ending the relationship. I always try to end things with my boyfriend when we argue. And I'm so cruel about it. I shut off all emotions like a light switch (another thing I picked up from my husband). My heart turns to stone and I try to kick him out and I seriously feel NOTHING, I don't care about him at all during these times. In fact, I don't have emotions 99% of the time anyway. I used to feel things, I was normal. What did that monster do to me?? How can I become human again?? Is it even possible? I WANT to feel things like I used to, but there's just nothing there.
You learned to fight the enemy with his own weapon. People learn to mirror their behavior as a way of defense. You can fix it if you want to.
How do you think the other ones became one?
@@Oceans780 I'm already in therapy for trauma, personality disorder, and domestic violence. I've been in therapy for these reasons for 27 years because I came from a home of abuse. Thousands of hours of various therapies and medications have not fixed me. I'm actually worse now that I have no emotions.
@@artandculture5262 Probably had a parent who was that way.
@@jennyinthewoods7887 turn to Jesus for help.
OMG! This is the exact Script (and by that I mean 100%) of the covert narc I’ve been married to for 10+ years but only gradually (last 2 years) woke up to realize and fully understand that he is not ‘normal’ ... kept thinking he had a mood disorder (depression, Bipolar etc) until some things happened ... if he was the grandiose kind I would have noticed it from miles away. Definitely ‘covert’ no doubt about it. Very apt description.
So very true about the lack of interest in learning. The massive N in my life, an older relative, would become angry if it were ever suggested she should take on anything new. "I don't NEED to learn how to use a computer!" etc etc She's always just festered in the same-old same old..
@@thecraftytailor Exactly. Plus, "If I don't know it, not only is it not worth knowing, but anyone who does know it is beneath contempt!"
Happy New Year to everyone! 🍀🍀🍀
Happy new year ...wishing everyone joy peace health and happiness in 2021
Andrea R.Berndt,You are beautiful 🌹🌹🌺,you don't need a narc 😈 in your life!!
@@christianpulisic7784 thank you and meanwhile I left him!
@@andrear.berndt9504 You are welcome dearest 🌹🌷🌺.I am Christian from the States.You?
@@andrear.berndt9504 Which country are you from?
When you say something to them and they say 'i don't care' that might be the time they are telling the truth. I have very low contact with my ex and I'm happy seeing my children away from it all. Good video and spot on.
"Team Healthy" love this
WOW. This video encapsulates Narcissists perfectly. It's so very validating. Thank you Dr. C. Happy New Year! I'm so grateful for you! :)
To a point and then....it comes apart, one thing is consistent- control is making them lose
Narcissists definitively show patterns and have very predictable and contrived rituals. Everything has to be premeditated, even sex. If they hadn't planned on it, don't even think of mixing it up and going off script. Narcs are so very un-evolved and boring and yet they think they are so fascinating. My ex narc lived vicariously I think through watching TV. He based his life around watching his same TV shows, games etc. It made me sick how he could never be "in the moment." The TV was always blaring in the background. Even when his beloved dog died in front of him, he wouldn't shut off the blaring TV. He viewed his TV shows as his family. Very sad. I observed him on many occasions trying to mimic the expressions and lines from TV to use as his own. It's like that's how he learned to pass as "human or normal" to emulate people he thought were cool on TV because he had no true sense of self.
He did this with people too. They are so un-unique and have no independent thoughts of their own other than, "I'm right, everyone else is wrong" yet then they steal everyone's ideas and opinions and thoughts and use them as their own. He often recycled my feelings and things I said to him right back at me as if they were his own feelings and experiences. They are pirates of reality.
I also have noticed that they are insanely inept and lazy. Mine used everyone else in all areas of his life to do things for him yet he maintained he was a self made man. He had other people at work write his lesson plans and home improvements he said he accomplished was actually done by his brother and every time I made fabulous meals he said "WE" made them. They love to use people or as he called it "outsource" responsibilities and then take full credit for it. Weak individuals who won't do things for themselves, yet they actually believe they are a pro at everything and should be able to tell everyone else how to do life, like they are an expert even when they can't do it themselves. Crazy making.
Hit it right on the head!
- Sounds like my sister “Queen of the Catch Phrase”.
WOW...well stated...
How I hate that trait of theirs. There is no I in = team
No we in = me
No they in= you
Words narcs use as justification.
@RainbowDreams30 Thank you for saying that! It's so validating. :)
I had an engagement ring taken away 3x in two years....over simple disagreements. However, “If I wouldn’t or would have said/done XYZ, he wouldn’t have reacted that way”. I said it was over 3 months ago and it got physical. They have zero self control or responsibility. Happy New Year to ME!!!
Always Me Thank goodness you had the good sense to run! Happy New Year INDEED!!
One of the things I have learned seeing all these behaviors for myself is I know
not to engage with those who are incapable of understanding the empathy or reasoning you are trying to convey.
Save your energy and your breath. Thank you Dr Carter this lesson is a great one, validates my feelings. So spot on with the Narcissists way of thinking. It must be difficult to be them with all the turmoil inside themselves.
Whenever I watch you video, I have a feeling that you observed me and provided a report. I can’t
even describe my life with such a precision. It is such a reassuring feeling to hear your words of
encouragement.
So pleased, Agnes. Dr. C
Yep, right on point sir. Down to the tee. I hate to be so experienced in this subject matter!!!! Will I ever find a true meaningful relationship??? Who knows, it's ok, I'm good with healing and being comfortable with myself before I can even begin to put my heart out there.
Well said : "They re tone deaf to clues about emotions..."
And also they * choose to be * to your expressing it in blatent words
An "ex-friend" scored 10/10. Grey rocked my way out of that.
I live with a narcissist. You nailed every immature trait about them. Wow!!
Soooooo true about ‘life-long learner.’ I did not understand how my mother continued the same patterns when they created the same scenario every time! I have always tried to look inward to find my part in a negative situation-try always to learn to do better! Mostly, this effort was in a futile attempt to navigate the minefield of her unpredictability. She NEVER accepted fault in anything! It was always someone else causing her to behave the way she did.
Narcissist conversation stopper: "I never heard that," angrily stated.
Yes, or similarly, "Where did you get that idea from?" as an attempt to put the other person in a defensive position that can be dismissed.
I never said that !
Lynn Jackson, Absolutely yes 100%. Narcissists like to make you think you're crazy for remembering what they said, by claiming they "never said that". I have infuriated narcissists who "never said that" when I played the recording of them saying it, when they didn't stop to realize they were being recorded (like at the home owner meeting for the homeowner association we all live in). The very same narcissist also loved to claim, "that's not what the homeowner association bylaws say!" when they thought we didn't have a copy of the bylaws right there to prove them wrong. Total madness.
But wait!! There's more.."I don't remember that, you misunderstood, you took it out of context, I was joking, I never said that, that never happened, that's not what I meant, can't I joke with my wife??!!, Etc. I'm sure there's more but I can't remember..oh wait "I don't remember that!" Lolol
"I dont remember I did that" 😃
Thank you. I’m learning so much from you.
Les Carter, Re: Top 10 talk. Wow! You are helping me understand. I fell in love with the wrong woman. I love her deeply. She loves me in her own way. We had 2 kids and now grandkids. Love em all! The narcissist side of her has been a continuous problem (50 years) that I still struggle to deal with. I even wonder if I’m the narcissist?
I love humor, (Rodney Dangerfield type) making fun of myself, but never of her. She gets mad about my humor and tells me off in front of the people laughing at the joke.
She has a knee jerk reaction to any question I ask. Her answer is always in the negative. Sometimes flat out “no”. It is very hard to find common ground with a person who is unable to say in a positive way what they want to do. Sometimes asking...”do you want to go out to eat?” can be a trigger.
The b&w issue is a problem too.
So you suggested counseling. Many years ago I tried that with her. She refused, no way, no how, never. The simple suggestion of counseling even created another issue that there was something wrong with me. I even agreed with her and told her that I wanted her help, but in order for counseling to work she needed to participate in counseling with me.
She loves her church. The church offered counseling for couples. I suggested that we check it out. She still refused over several different discussions, especially after she would get mad at me. It was like throwing gas on the fire. Her reply was you are the one with the problem. OK, I agreed. Then sought out counseling for myself. I was in pain because I continued to make the woman I loved upset, stressed out, unable to discuss money, our sex life & even minor issues like my getting groceries. We are both 73 now and I have been trying to use our quarantine time together to heal our relationship as we approach our 50th anniversary. Surprisingly it is better now. She even commented once we are talking more. But she stills gets stressed any time I touch one of her triggers, especially in the morning. Later in the day she tends to mellow out. So I just try hard to avoid the triggers first thing in the morning, letting her sleep in. But my getting up in the morning, unless for work or important things, becomes a trigger. So I sleep in too. That works now because we are not going anywhere anyway. Then next thing she makes it an issue if I sleep in and she doesn’t. Am I a narcissist? Because I try to suit my own needs? I feel like it.
Keep up your good work because I can listen & learn in private without burning the house down.
BTW she stood by me thru thick & thin as I worked on the railroad and my volunteer, un paid, union work, & getting fired by the RR. It took 2 years but the union fought for me until the U.S. Arbitration board ruled in my favor, re-instated me with full benefits including RR Retirement which we both draw now because I maxed out RR Retirement at 60 with 40 years paid into it. Then my cancer & other health issues. So I know she loves me, but in her own way.
Sweeeeet papa, you poor guy.
I understand completely. He won't go to counseling because he doesn't have the problem. And I'm the narc. I've even questioned myself if I am. He constantly tells me that I'm arrogant and think I'm too good to do this or that. I thought arrogance meant that you think highly of yourself. I'm totally opposite of that. I'm depressed and feel totally useless and worthless. I've never thought I was too good for whatever. Actually, I've never had a great opinion of myself. I see myself as average at best.
My ex narc was 45 and living with his mom. Couldn’t hold a job, lived in filth, pathological liar, closet gay and had been making videos of himself with men then hid them on the “hidden calculator” app.
Thank you Dr. Les Carter!
Oh, he did pick up on my emotional state but it was a trap. If I said I was fine he'd know I wasn't but got supply from me ignoring myself and caring about him more than myself. If I spoke up and said I wasn't ok, he'd rage out and make me feel worse by his tantrums, making it all about him, watching me crumble even MORE and then he'd be happy and expect me to keep working. 😡
I believe they have high emotional EQ, but they use it to manipulate. They don't use it to empathize with your feelings...
I didn't think I would find any new revelations about narcissism, but WOW!! Great video! 👏👏👏
This is spot on with how my husband sees things in life.
Chelcea Surgenor,You are beautiful 🌹🌹🌺,hope you are not with a narc 😈!!
True, he doesn't care to learn anything about me, or to know me, he thinks things are good with us