Covert in regards to their arrogance and entitlement... vulnerable narcissists play the victim because nothing is ever a victims fault .. a victim isn’t responsible .. they see this as most ideal position to reside as they have sense of being in control once they have others believe this and they have no responsibility .. ☑️☑️
My C-Narc was stunning, he was gorgeous. I would catch him looking at himself in the mirror looking sexy at himself....He never looked at me like that. They are empty boxes looking for any attention from any where to fill that box, any attention to validate them as a human. It has to be the saddest state to be in on Earth. There are so many empty boxes walking around. I will NEVER EVER get caught like this again. Education is the key guys. Keep watching videos like this until you understand it all, it's the key to recovery. As Richard says...If you are here reading this now...then it was not you it was THEM. Stay strong
Is my favorite am I with a narcissist video ever. I wish this was the first one I ever saw when I was trying to figure out my confusion. I totally worried it was me also. I have this way of having narcissists in my life. Obviously I have a pattern that I was used to playing a role in. During one crazy experience I looked around me and realized that I was the one who is sane while I was trying to navigate crazy all around me. Dealing with crazy can make you feel crazy.
Wow thank you currently married to a man like this he shows regret frequently and I get so confused as it doesn’t fit into the definition. What I notice is that if he perceives that he’s not feeling loved my me he turns into this sulky little boy 👦
6 years on my own now and it honestly boggles my mind looking back and seeing what I tolerated. I feel deep compassion for that part of me that felt that was all I deserved.
Nancy B That's one of the most beautiful things to say about yourself. I feel that's where I have to get to... " deep compassion for that part of me that felt that was all I deserved". That's going on my fridge. Thank you for that depth of love.
After a decade and 4 children with a vulnerable, devious narc, I too look back, in horror at what I allowed and deep compassion towards myself. The me of today wouldn't even look at that creature once, let alone entertain it.
You saved my life today. I keep feeling like I’m a demon for hurting a “child-like person”. I wanted to die today for hurting him by leaving. Now I get it. Thank you.
Setting boundaries and respecting yourself is more important than pandering to someone who couldn't care less about you. Glad you see the light because these lunatics get people confused and hooked in. Let go of that guilt and love yourself. Wishing you lots of healing 💕
@Tracy Lane this I did for many years........ If I leave him I will break his heart, how can I do that??? Oh my god 😱 I have now separated from a 33 year marriage, oh my word how much I feel better no confusion no fog, I use to think life was really tough, no it was HIM..... You keep doing you 💪😊 good luck 🙏😘
And if you are like me you might have pangs for a time to come. It means you haven't lost your empathy. Every so often it happens, doesn't last long but goes to show how effective gaslighting works on us. I have my moments too. Fewer and farther between. This person didn't take the best of you. Be well!
You explain covert narcissism better than anyone else on youtube ( in my opinion ). Your video "20 Signs You Are With A Covert Narcissist" saved my sanity ( what little sanity I had left at the time ). I will be forever grateful to you.
From my experiences dealing with covert narcissist in a relationship I have found that it is a total waste of time and energy to try to reason with them and have a mature rational conversation. They will throw crazy and fasle statements at you that are the complete opposite of reality to try to confuse you and get an emotional trigger reaction out of you and it takes time to recognize this and not take the bait (I think these reactions they try to get out of you is what give them their narcissistic supply). When you stop taking the bait and you clearly see exactly whats going on, like these shifts in their behavior like Richard says it's then time to decide if you want to stay with them. As far as I know you cannot "fix" them. If you don't want to stay with them you probably still have a strong bond with them so you will need to break up with them in your head first and before you sever the connection, you can slowly start changing your own behaviors and reactions to distance yourself more. Once you get out break ALL contact. Don't get lured back in. PS Happy Birthday Richard.
RM-PC You make a really good point. PRACTICE the break-up in your head over and over before actually cutting ties. Even if you can't actually cut ties completely, practice your new limited contact future in your head. You're getting your cognitive mind to align with your emotional mind into one cohesive and coherent intention. Then pull the trigger and "behave" the intention.
It is easy to distance yourself from a narc when they are unloveable, vicious and push you away emotionally. This made leaving my ex easier because I became completely turned off by his negativity and psychosis.
josh sainty but it’s my house so I can’t go plus the trauma bond is so strong. I’m doing my best to educate myself and how to respond to him. Now instead of cowering I find myself saying to him ‘well if you think I’m so awful why are you here?’ Usually stops him for a bit.
@@melissa17379 don't make excuses. You gonna put up with being poisoned until one of you dies? Make a plan and get out. Sorry to be rude but people in toxic relationships aren't used to kind advice.
He picks stupid fights all the time because they serve 2 purposes. 1. It staves off the opportunity for emotional intimacy. And 2. it reassures him and illustrates to you that he is in control. Sounds as if he's very much a control freak, overbearing. Good luck. x
You have a gift for teaching. Most professionals in this field know how to diagnose from DSM, however what good is this, if you do not know how to deal with it. In my experience You have succinctly explained narcissism better than any psychologist, psychiatrist, LPSW and LSW. This is 👏
I agree, I have watched other YTubers, so called professionals, 'cut Richard a new one', most of them would still me tell me that CPTSD cannot be diagnosed because it is not yet in their bible, they would rather label the victim of narcissistic abuse as a borderline personality disordered person rather than buck the system. I was diagnosed recently as having both PTSD as well as BPD (borderline) by a shrink, I waited 40 years to do this. I have agreed to be put on a waiting list to start a DBT group session but honestly feel that I do not fit the BPD criteria, I'm sure there is much to learn fro the DBT session regardless of what I have so I plan to attend.
Ali Armand AGREED !!! His explanations are LOGICAL...a welcome relief in our insane world of living with the Narcissist. He’s epic. To the point so I can get thru and get up and get out !!!
Crimson King I also have been diagnosed with BPD, and I don’t think that is correct. Actually labelling people with these disorders is not particularly helpful. People are individuals and need to not be lumped all together into a category. What does DBT stand for?
@@vickibarker8658 I don't see them as labels for people, they are labels for behavioural patterns that present in some people. These labels are helpful because they allow us to talk about these behavioural patterns, which is crucial, especially in DBT - as the definition 'dialectical behavior therapy' suggests. I have been diagnosed Borderline too and I agree, it is very important for people to understand that these labels are not a description of a whole individual, just a set of behavioural patterns they exhibit.
Yes, and also how to tell who's who with cognitive dissonance as a narcissist, intelligent person and angry stupid person can all seem exactly the same when it comes to this. Emotional dysregulation can also make any of us appear toxic. Look at past history and for patterns of behaviour over time to tell them apart I guess?
@@jrowewilliams98 You're usually not if you ask if you are but it's a good idea to know the traits and red flag 🚩 them in self or other if there's a pattern of 5 or more consistent over time in a variety of situations and contexts. The nine most common traits for NPD include : 1. Having an inflated sense of self-importance and entitlement. Deep down, you feel like you’re the best, most successful, competent, [insert praise here] in any situation. 2. Needing constant admiration. Your self-esteem is like a balloon without a knot, requiring a steady stream of attention, approval, and recognition to keep it inflated. No matter how much someone tells you that they love or look up to you, it feels like it's never enough. 3. Expecting special treatment. Whether it’s favors or apologies, whatever you want, you believe you deserve to have it-because you’re superior to everyone around you, and they know it and should comply. 4. Exaggerating achievements and talents. You have no problem embellishing the facts-or even outright lying-about your life, resume, and experiences. 5. Reacting negatively to criticism. Even though you crave control and take full credit when things are going well, you’re quick to blame others whenever a situation doesn’t go as planned. It’s extremely hard to accept criticism or admit to mistakes because, naturally, it’s always someone else’s fault, not yours. 6. Being preoccupied with fantasies about power, success, and beauty. You tend to create and believe exaggerated, unrealistic narratives around your success, relationships, even how good you look to help you feel special and in control. Anything that threatens the fantasy is rationalized away or simply ignored. You also want people to feel envious of you, and you feel pretty envious of people who have what you want. 7. Taking advantage of others. You often don’t think twice about using or exploiting other people to achieve your own ends-whether maliciously or obliviously. You care about your relationships and the people in your life on a superficial level-if they elevate your social status, or make you look or feel good, for instance-and you don’t really think about how your behavior might affect them. 8. Having an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others. You’re super sensitive to how people treat you and react to your needs and feelings, but on the flip side, you can’t put yourself in other people’s shoes and empathize with their experiences. You might belittle others or even bully people to feel better about yourself. You never really “go deep” in any of your relationships, either-and, frankly, it doesn’t bother you all that much. 9. Behaving in an arrogant manner. With an inflated ego and sense of superiority and entitlement, you probably insist on having the best everything-the best car, office, designer clothes-monopolize conversations, look down on people you perceive as “inferior,” and only associate with those you think are equally special, successful, and talented." ~ Psycom. 😈🚩🤔
The one I "knew" thought being called weird was a compliment. Lool. They like being different. They just don't understand that they're "bat shit crazy abuser" different.
@@zarah2856 I'm an empath, or rather a reformed empath lol 😂 I'm eccentric and I quite like being called weird, but I'm not a narc, but I've certainly learned a thing or two from how they manoeuvre through life and I've acquired some pro tips from them - not to be like them, but to protect myself from them and people that even have the tiniest bit of an exploitative nature... it's been a process and evolution for me - it's actually made me weird, so please don't take that away from me! hahaha 😂
Is it a tactic of covert/vulnerable narcissistics to criticise and goad a person till they loose their temper. Then become really infuriatingly calm. The anger that I feel is what makes me feel I’m part of the problem.
My ex was always trying to get me to lose my temper and he'd question me all the time because I didn't. He made me feel weird for not blowing up at him, even though many times I should have because I often under-reacted to not make him feel bad. However, in the end, when we broke up and I was finally angry with him, he acted as if I was the one acting insane and dramatic. I felt and still feel bad for being angry at him because it's like, he was so calm and trying to be peaceful, and I was practically fuming at him. And it takes a LOT to get me upset in the first place, so he'd really hurt and upset me to get me to that point, but he acted as if he'd really done nothing while I was the one being "crazy". It's crazy. I feel so bad for being angry at him, but also feel angry because of him acting as if our relationship was nothing and could just flow into friendship at the end. Like dude, did you not just hear me lay out why I was upset and wanted to break up with you, but you just wanted to know if we could still be friends? Infuriating to this day, honestly.
“I suppose this is our last conversation.” These were the last, carefully crafted words I heard from my narcissistic mother after confronting her about her very hurtful behavior toward another individual. In my own ‘carefully crafted’ words, I responded, “I will leave that up to you, mom.” I never got another call from her. Five years later, and a journal filled with horrible memories of her narcissistic behavior, my mother died. After that final conversation, she tried her best to separate my daughter from me. It didn’t work. For some reason, my daughter was NOT shocked or hurt by her behavior and was relieved to disconnect. “Mom, grandma was always greedy and mean to people, especially you.” She saw it but I didn’t. I still haven’t cried after her death. As I looked through pictures of my past, I noticed there was only one photo of her showing any sort of affection toward me...and it was posed by my dad who was an amateur photographer. He had died 25 years earlier. I miss the man who constantly told me he loved me. Oops...now I am crying.
Yes! It was only consequences that got tears and apologies were along the lines of I screwed I list my love, I lost, I, me, I. That's what he cared about
I found I developed some narcissistic tendancies in defence of their behavior... Now I'm like that's the stamping toddler...that's the egotistic teenager, and there's the wounded victim, yes, very confusing... this video perfectly described my experience
When I first got narc'd I wasn't sure what was happening --- I didn't even know it was a thing. I wondered if I was the problem, I wondered what I'd done wrong and what role I'd played. Whatever the narc said do or change or be, I did it - nothing worked - it was always "damned if I do, damned if I don't" - and nothing was meant to be about me. I'd gone from being a very independent, high functioning, upwardly mobile, driven and ambitious person to knocked flat, even my career and finances ruined, isolated, triangulated, everyone turned against me... yet he got everything he apparently wanted, and I got absolutely nothing I wanted - it didn't seem fair and it looked like everyone had enabled him and condemned me. Vile and disgusting creatures they all are! And once you learn all about it and then do the study and forensics, you come to realize this person had the most grandiose levels of selfishness and entitlement! gah!
I am still waging a covert war against my ex; my family still blames me for everything he did, and that was over a decade ago now. I will never eradicate his toxic effect on my most important relationships, because obviously I chose him as a husband, so it must be all my fault, right? Tried to explain it thus: "If I could control him as completely as you all think I could, do you REALLY think I would have made him do all those horrible things to everyone, especially to me?" People aren't rational in their judgements of others. As far as I'm concerned, the worst sin you can commit is to judge another. I'm not religious but "Judge not, lest ye be judged" is the most telling phrase in the Bible. I hold myself responsible for what I am responsible for, but I cannot be held responsible for another human beings thoughts, beliefs, words and actions. It's a complete impossibility, as anyone with a 3 year old will tell you, let alone totally control another adult.
@@Kayenne54 not judging is what gets us into this mess... I did it, or rather I didn't - I didn't judge, yet the red flags were there and I thought to myself "my perceptions can create that worst case scenario, so I'll give them the benefit of the doubt" --- big mistake! Don't judge, but definitely use good judgement - it's a fine line... if your judgement protects you, go for it - because nothing at all, not even the best self-healing, self-discovery, introspection, etc - nothing can undo the damage they do. I'm still trying to resurrect my career believe it or not! I used to be such a bubbly and positive, confident person, healthy self-esteem --- well I was taken-out and taken-down! I went for an interview a few years back and the CEO liked me so much he wanted to do my reference checks straight away. Well my old Managing Director phoned me and said "Mel, I think I screwed-up that reference for you! I'm so sorry! He asked me what was up with your self-esteem and I told him you were never quite the same after what your ex had done!" I went into complete and utter shock! Well my old Managing Director is at UBS now and makes millions of dollars - what he should have said next was "Get to UBS now (in your local city) and I'll tell them to give you a job, even if they need to create one for you!" -------- but he didn't! ugh! *edit: I never heard back from that CEO so I clearly did not get that job and I was beyond gutted! This would not happen to a man - this is Australia and we are still way far behind the rest of the world in regard to equality and any comprehension on how to treat someone that has experienced not just narc abuse, but what I was put through was also full scale domestic abuse and domestic violence. Trust me, a malignant narc can destroy you so much that it impacts your every ability to function, including your job - and people will judge you! So ditch that thing from the bible about judgement - you were judged - and the bible was wildly corrupted to force us to be subservient! Do you think narcs worry about judging you? or all of the flying monkeys they enlist to attack you? Nope! They're all judging and it's all false because it's based on lies and biases created by the narc. Stay strong! xxx ps: I often find great comfort in the bible myself, and sleep with one next to me --- but it's not to be taken literally - it's a book of code and we're meant to be the code-breakers!
@@MarkSven888 flying monkeys = because people will so easily think the worst of you rather than the best of you! Remember that narcs do not go for losers! They go for THE BEST OF THE BEST - they need you for all that you have to offer them and you had want to make sure you make them look good in the process! You only exist for their benefit! UGH! I'm super export pro at detecting them now! Stay strong xxx
A sure telling sign is often 'who is getting what they want?' when they accuse you back for selfishness or whatever... Naturally you wanted to assert needs because they were taking something, crossing a boundary, saying social contracts or meanings are just silly. Like person A- I'm suicidal, nothing going right" Person B- that slightly inconveniences me, don't be selfish,-- or "that's weak" "not listening because vulnerable emotions" If course, exaggerations. Well not really. It's what they are doing, not saying that counts.
I just ended things with mine of 7 years. All I've wanted to do this whole week is just sleep. I'm so exhausted it's insane. Crying and sleeping and praying I survive this because I literally feel like I'm going to die at this moment 😭
I had that epiphany during my meditation during the last full moon, when I was in quarantine w the ex too. So much clarity during that time. I’m grateful I’m out of that terrible 6 year cycle myself. Lesson learned. Eyes opened.
I had that epiphany during my meditation during the last full moon, when I was in quarantine w the shy narc too. So much clarity during that time. I’m grateful I’m out of that terrible 6 year cycle myself. Lesson learned. Eyes opened.
I had that epiphany during my meditation during the last full moon, when I was in quarantine w the shy narc too. So much clarity during that time. I’m grateful I’m out of that terrible 6 year cycle myself. Lesson learned. Eyes opened.
I feel so lucky. I learned when I was very young to identify and avoid the kind of people you are talking about in this video. I didn't know they were narcissists, I could just tell they were bad news. I grew up in a happy, secure home, so I quickly recognised traits in people that didn't fit in with my family's norms. At least that's my theory. Do you think that growing up in a less than optimal situation makes some people more likely to become the victims of narcissists? Everything seems to stem from childhood experiences.
Of course it is. If you can't trust and be safe with the only ones on the planet you're supposed to. LOL I have been in a fucking confusion all my fucking life, I'm gonna turn 27. And not to 'brag' (?) but I'm not a stupid person. And it's funny because I regressed in time, the more I got old the more fragile and vulnerable I became, it's really weird. And when I was younger I was very strong with guys, I don't know how to say this in english. But later between 21 and 26 I had 2 relationships with assholes narcissists (I was/became so shitty with them, so vulnerable, they took/shit on all of my self-esteem -didn't really had any in my life- lol so they had to take some flesh ahahah) and then I started to gently realised I ve been swimming/drowning in shit all these years.
Yeah, this fragile narc, I couldn't quite identify it, but, it was too familiar. Kicked him to the curb, despite the gaslighting attempts and now, after the fact, I have crystal clarity on the vile monster I was dealing with.
Maybe not explicitly for people in recovery, but one that matches people who sincerely share values. The old OkC***** algorithm was perfect so long as someone answered at least 500 questions. It got bad only when there were too many questions that didn't stick to core values and they didn't have a required minimum. If a site actually enforced a minimum it could work. Narcs wouldn't have the patience or would fail to match with their desired targets and complain it didn't work for them.
@@jorgepeterbarton they might, which is why there should be some sort of filter that they can't cheat or that would offend them. Having to answer a bunch of questions would offend them since they don't ever feel they need to earn anything.
@@RecreationalUseOnly ''dating site solely of recovering codependents would be like watching 100 people in a pool that can’t swim drowning each other.'' Lol'd hard at that one, thanks for the smiles. . .
Richard, you have explained this so brilliantly and this has helped me so much. I have struggled with this for 20 years, have read and studied narcissism for so long, and still cannot get away from my covert narcissistic husband. I have felt suicidal in the hopelessness of my situation. Trying to break the brainwashing is a momentous task.
Vicki Barker I have been married 20 years this year . Started waking up 2016 but only into the land of confusion. This past year I have been at the Hotel California.. we can check out but we can never leave ., in reality I have left my home less than 20 times since 2016., I’m fucked up BUT IM NOT WANTING TO END MY LIFE AND NEITHER ARE YOU!!! Stop saying that or thinking that . This shit is hell and cannot be expressed to others but I will NOT AND YOU WILL NOT ENTERTAIN THOSE THOUGHTS.. know that there are others sitting frozen and confused your not alone your in this time place and experience for a reason. Believe that!! !
@@Think-dont-believe yes you are right. Thank you for your reply, it's comforting to know that I am not alone. I know that, as you say, there's a reason for this situation and I am determined to get out and claim my life. It's great to have a connection.
Vicki Barker and k m, my view is keep watching the youtube videos, including the trauma bonding videos, and continue trying to implement ( even if it's hard ) the recommendations in the videos. That will take time and work. Then hopefully sooner rather than later the trauma bond will break and you'll be on your way to good health. Never give up trying as you are worth it.
@@raccuia1 Joseph that post is so inspirational, thank you. It's what I need to hear. I will keep watching the videos as I am so determined to break the trauma bond. It's so important and it's what I came here to do. Thank you for your message, it's so helpful.
He never apologize, never. I finished that relationship almost a year ago, march 22. One part of me wants to celebrate on sunday, the other one wants to hide... I need more time to heal. Thank you, you helped me a lot.
Congrats on getting out & the achievement of putting space and time between the experience. Perhaps do something nice for yourself as a recognition of where you are now? 💜
I thought love mattered.. I grew up thinking people fell in love.. Now, I know it's all a mind game.. I'm adopting a shelter dog.. Maybe that dog will love me.. And I will trust her... 😔😔😔
Palmer Organic Farms I’m glad you said dog and not cat. I have two cats that I rescued, and I can say with great confidence that cats are the most narcissistic creatures of the animal kingdom....but ... but... they are so adorable (especially when they purr) that I volunteer my servitude to them till I pass.😁
@@tamaracoba bahahaha I know exactly what you mean but I am totally fine being basically a slave to this fuzzy purry lil apex predator who decided to show up at our door.
"It's almost like dealing with dissociative identity disorder, and you'll be like, okay which version of them am I dealing with today?" Fuck. Yup. That is very much our experience as well, massive relief hearing you say it. We're a system of trauma survivors, suspected DID- not yet diagnosed, we know/think our mom is operating with covert/ vulnerable/ fragile narcissistic traits and behaviours. Some parts of us are only just learning this while persecutors and protectors in here have recognised her behaviour as abusive since we were kids. For us, we have been so confused, and our empathy has always pulled us back in, because we experience what its like to switch between parts of us, and we have always had the experience of "which mom am I dealing with right now?" We thought because of that for a long time that she was a system like us. But a lot of things just didn't add up in a way that made us recognise her behaviour as exactly like ours. It kept us confused for a very long time. The pieces are falling into place for more and more of us now, and the other day we went no contact after a repeat of boundary breaking from her. Your videos are helpful, every sentence resonates so goddamn much. Thank you for making them, I feel like we're making sense of our life slowly. - Violet
I ended my relationship with a fragile, histrionic narcissist and I felt as though my soul was decimated by the abuse I sustained. I finally feeling like myself again and it took me 6 months.
A huge step to leave. Good on you for taking your power back. These poor excuses for human beings take more energy than they give. You end up on the short end of the stick drained and withered. Glad you are recovering. break ups are hard enough. One thing I know is you can never change a person no matter how much love you give. You can only control how you respond 🌹
I was arguing with a covert narc who was clearly in the wrong, they tried to get flying monkeys but they agreed with me - when I forcefully asked for an apology they said 'fine i'm sorry YOU upset me'. - I was bewildered but yes it is disturbingly true that they will never consider themselves at fault and when they are it will be to get attention or pity and have people feel sorry for them.
those are the "moments of truth", "the nuggets" that confirm that it is not you regardless of what anyone else including the narc may think. It is a rare moment, a gimps into how they really think, how their brain works, the innate ability to never see the "truth" as far as how their actions have negatively effected someone. The confusing part for me is when we're told that some of them are not able to even acknowledge that what they do is wrong even though what they do involves plotting much like a pedophile does. If you're targeting people based on the ease with which you can manipulate them, their emotions then you are a twisted such and such, period.
"I'm sorry You upset Me"??? WOw, that is your proof of who you are dealing with, someone who thinks only in terms of themselves! Like they are actually incapable of a true apology! My brother recently tried to ask for an apology from our Dad for being brutally disrespectful and humiliating him in public, and all he said was, I just can't stand when people do what you did. My poor brother just stood there in disbelief and said, "That's not an apology!" I could not even explain to him that he's never going to get one, he refuses to believe our Dad is a narcissist.. he got angry at me for saying it. I'm sorry you had to endure this, thank you for helping others understand this insidious disorder.
I’ve watched a lot of your videos...off and on for years...and I’m sure you have done similar vids describing “covert” aka fragile/vulnerable narcissist but this one helped me see what I was dealing with.
This seems more in line with BPD though. The vulnerable state of being while having moments of grandiose and haughty behaviour and as soon as they're called out they become an anxious stressed mess of a human being. Probably just comorbid with it.
I developed the traits of a borderline as a coping mechanism with the covert narc because you can never speak to them directly about anything or communicate your needs without being devalued. I was never so passive aggressive as when I was in that relationship. As soon as I broke up with him all of those traits my ex constantly told me I need psychological help for freakin’ vanished into thin air, save for the cptsd and being triggered when I am misunderstood by someone (I’m worried they’re purposefully misrepresenting me and trying to gaslight me but they actually truly just misheard me) so I’m working on that and trusting open communication again; Trusting that the people I know now will actually be able to receive it and I no longer feel such a desperate need to veil my thoughts and boundaries in defensive anger for them to be heard. I don’t know if that makes sense but I felt like if I didn’t end up giving the narc a taste of his own medicine, he ignored me or continued to get away with lying and being the sole source of my misery. He was more of a male borderline, I think. With the suicidal threats if I was enjoying myself with friends on my birthday and he wasn’t the center of attention. He would cry like a toddler from a place of resentment that would turn into a dead stare and vindictive smile within 2 minutes. I was in that parent-child/child-parent whiplash for sure (saw that metaphor from one of your other videos).
Thank you so much for this. This is exactly what I have been worried about. I was terrified it was me. I have been searching and searching. Was I the problem? Was I the horrible person? Now I just need to figure out how to work through all of this, safely (I live with him and I am not in a position to leave just at the moment), and then figure out what the hell I am going to do. Thank you again for your videos. They are a great help.
I've seen and experienced a fair whack of sh1t in my time on earth, but nothing has affected me like this ex. Horrendous, Horrific, absolute hell and words alone just can't describe it all. The trauma bond, love bombing, Triangulation with Ex's, Gaslighting and control over you is wicked. Figuring it out afterwards and trying to get your head around all of it is another mission in itself. Coming to terms with the truth that it was a lie and the relationship effectively been a sham is what cuts the deepest. There's always that small minuscule part of you that still loves them and then reality kicks in and wham your back to reality of they're a Narcissist now let go. You want them not to be a Narcissist because you see such goodness in them and then you remember the episodes of them screaming down and berating you and then hours later apologising to do it again another day. Tis a torture of a person that almost never ends. Want to help the person so very much, but know I can't and have to stay no contact.
I became like a Detective I needed to try and work out wtf was going on with this person who snared me unfortunately 🥺 Literally he could be a celebrity Romantic Narcissist he did it all text book his traits.
After I did the big break-up I told my friend/confidant, and I remember saying, "I DON'T GET IT!" more than a few times. About a week and a half later I found out the answer, she is an NPD (imo), and a "vindictive narcissist" at that. What she did was totally baffling, but only when I was ignorant... when I found out what she is it all made perfect sense. :P
In my case she was searching the internet trying to discover the problem in the relationship because she felt or sensed that I was getting fed up and thinking of leaving (which I was) and so she needed to understand the problem - from my point of view it was her constant anger and instability and lying and not trusting, (by her own admission she would often say 'I don't trust anyone') and becoming furious when she was not getting enough attention (we called these incidents 'bomb's because they were like a terrorist attack, catching me totally by surprise, upset by the most trivial things, ie: asking traffic directions from a woman passing by - when there is nobody else to ask - or gently saying 'you know... it can be difficult to be vulnerable in front you sometimes', this provoked fury and screaming and the strange accusation 'NO! It is you who is wearing the mask!' and demanding she get more respect ie: others should stand up when she walks in the room, which I found strange and so did others) - nonetheless she discovered that I am a Covert Narcissist, who has been torturing her for many years by deliberately withholding my attention (ie: talking to other people sometimes or having other interests) and that all my love, affection and attention thus far has only been a carefully planned manipulation to get her attention, which oddly enough seems to describe her, who has cheated throughout the relationship and has accused me of the same - which I haven't ever done - but now she is telling everyone that I am a Covert Narcissist and she has proven it by online research. So curious and confused I came online to see what a 'Covert Narcissist' is and to my amazement what you have said here Richard describes her EXACTLY! The key point is 'two identities' and switching - the whole relationship was like this, broken down and crying and apologizing, and then back up on her high horse dominating, controlling and demanding. I never understood this, and it exhausted and nearly broke me, until now. THANK YOU!
@Moogie B Utterly! I am not exaggerating when I say that at certain points I literally felt like someone in a Harry Potter movie having a Dementer suck the life force out of me. It would take me days to recover after a big explosion since I would spend all my energy re-regulating her and calming her down only then to be told I was controlling her or lying to her or pretending that I love her etc...she was determined to confirm her worst suspicion that she was being duped and not really loved and like a fool I kept pouring the river of my heart into the hole riddle bucket of her soul! No amount of love or care can fill up the emptiness there. Even a river can't fill a bucket with a hole in it.
I was married to a covert narcissist. The confusion and pain from 18 years of attacks left me suicidal. I stood up to him and when he saw he couldn't get supply, he attacked our two teenage sons. THAT provoked me. I would confront him in front of the boys, then he'd come after me. When it ended up in me having a meltdown he'd say to the boys, "See, your mom is crazy." He was a drunk and womanizer. He turned my friends against me. I could no longer work. And he had my church kick me out. Ultimately he turned my sons against me with his lies. I begged them to come with me when I left. They chose dad. That was in 1996. Thank you for sharing your story. It helps me understand my sons a bit more. They are believing a false narrative and I cannot change that. I'd love to share my rich and full life with them, to show them what a healed and healthy mother looks like, but they are not interested. You sound like a wonderful son. God bless you.
Fragile and vulnerable are terms that play into our ridiculous tendency to sympathize with something we really can't be sympathizing with if we want to disconnect and save ourselves. IMHO.
🎉HAPPY BIRTHDAY RICHARD! 😍🎂 I wish you all the love & respect you deserve & great health! You’ve been so pivotal in my learning & helping my life! Thank you from the bottom of my heart! I hope to meet you one day & give u a big hug for all your help you’ve given me & others! It’s my birthday too and we’re all house bound. Sigh Hope you go live today, you’re so funny. I’ll eat a piece of cake for ya dear! 😊😜Cheers! 🥂✨
I appreciate this so much! You're saving me from another narcissist relationship!!! I've had 3+ already! This guy sends me mixed messages and I am so confused!!!
I have been married to a Covert Narcissist for 24 yrs who rarely apologizes for his negative behavior. What he does is turns super sugary sweet. This had left me soooooo confused for over a decade until I began to understand the dynamics of his personality traits and my reactions to his behavior. I had some serious health issues that have kept me stuck in my situation. After watching your videos and some cognitive therapy I have come to realize that I accepted this behavior because of my abusive childhood and I MOST DEFINITELY deserve better! I have recently started working out, eating healthier, taking better care of my physical and mental wellbeing, am about to start a new job that will set me up to stand on my own two feet. I am secretly planning my escape. I agree...the biggest sign is that I had spent many years confused, doubting what I was feeling, the legimacy of my feelings. But that is no longer the case. I now understand his patterns and view the entirety of our relationship with eyes wide open. Thank you for bringing attention to personalities that seem so difficult to understand as the best narcissist wears the best masks making it so difficult to see who they really are. 😳
You are helping me so much, no one around me gets what I'm going through. Since I'm relatively young, people think that it's a "normal" thing to go through... Unfortunately it's not. I'm so trauma bonded that I keep making excuses for his behaviour and at times it hits me like being without a drug. I would love some help, I want to heal and put this behind me.
So sorry to hear this. It sounds horrendous and yes, unless you've experienced it it's very difficult to explain to other people. Richie does a brilliant online course on Emotional Literacy, about £45 GBP but worth every penny / cent / euro. He also has a free download course on Emotional Flashbacks which helps enormously. Wishing you heal quickly & find peace of mind. Keep going! 🙂👍
@@Hermanus-lj9fk oh! I would love to get this download. It's very recent since I went no contact, so I have a lot of mixed emotions. Including wanting to let him know how much he hurt me, because sometimes my brain makes me think he ain't all this.
@@gioovannabp Click on the little arrow at the top of the comments, there's a link to Spartan Lifecoach, Richie's website where you can register for the free download & other courses. Best of luck. Xx
Don't let him know how much he hurt you. When he had cared about this he already had show this to you. If you are going to let him know and he is narcissistic then he will ignore or hurt you more or try to use this information to hoover you later or against you after the hoover.
Thank you for your LOGICAL and CONCISE explanations of the Narcissist. Your communication style is a beautiful gift that allows us the freedom of clear thought processes in the midst of this unfortunate symbiotic disorder, and grants us the ability to generate confidence thru your education, giving us a hand up toward creating options for ourselves, resulting in healthy decisions to better ourselves and our responses, getting to our escape - with our lives and our sanity ! 🙏📖🕊💝🌞 Your fresh/logical approach is so much better than being slogged down into further confusion and subsequent stress/hopelessness with the usual therapists verbiage ... we already are confused enough living in the realm of the Narcissist... Very grateful for you 💝
@@Wormlife208 yep it's a constant battle with your inner self to wind your self up again the right way and tell yourself it wasn't you. It turned me into a mess a bleak shadow of myself, when someone pushes you to those extremes it can be so painful living with yourself.
Holy shite....if you were sitting here describing the situation in front of you from my perspective you could not have said it better. This video exactly describes what I've experienced and still experiencing. It took my breath away to hear the break down and reasoning for something that has literally got me thinking I may be batshit crazy!!! So thank you more than you will ever know for taking the time to do these videos. You are brilliant and you make this difficult topic and disorder easy to understand!!!! And by the way, I'm searching, have been searching and will continue to try and learn more so guess what....It's Not Me!!!!! Happy Dance!!!
I'm so confused about whether it's me or the people I've surrounded myself with. I've recently (in my forties) realised my mother is a covert narcassist. I always concentrated on healing from my dad who was overt and the obvious one. Now I'm realising that most of my friendships are based on the same dynamic but equally so confused as to whether I've perhaps inherited the traits from my parents and it's actually me. Ahhh so confusing!
Was in this relationship for 30 years. I went from childhood abuse straight to marriage with my narc. In the process, lost myself. Been healing for 5 years now, let me tell you...IT IS DIFFICULT. Once they run off your entire support sytem, you have to start over. I was so lost for a few years. There is no fixing narcissism. That is the biggest lesson I learned. The switching is the hardest thing in the world to deal with. It is CRAZYMAKING Taking back my self the most rewarding thing I have EVER done.
My covert Narc confuses me but shows no shame and no cycling - she denies everything and stonewalls me pretty much all of the time - I used to try and engage with her and question what was happening in our marriage only to be ignored, stared at, gaslighted and blamed for everything. So this video confuses me even further as to what I’m dealing with?
I just exhaled and felt relief with this explanation. I've been incredibly confused by my partner's behavior and this cycle. Though I am not one to diagnose, I can say this aligns strongly with his behavior. We've had many discussions about what I call his Jeykll/Hyde personality. Thank you for this, I feel less crazy now. I started researching last year because I kept wondering if it was me and trying to work on myself. (Ha, you just confirmed this while I was typing during your talk). He raged the day before, apologized the next, and then last night blamed me. So I have been up all night binging your videos & feeling lost and just as I went to try and lay down I get a notification about this one. THANK YOU, I so appreciate the knowledge you share & the timing of this was amazing! 💜🙏
The thing that most victims of narcissism have is a kind loving heart, for me love is the strongest feeling I know, narcs don't have that love (strength) in their heart. To recover you need to exercise that love for yourself, you not only deserve better but absolutely owe it to yourself to cut this insane irrational person out of your life. Good luck.
Support from friends / family helps, or a new start / distance to put between but don't spend too long trying to figure it out, their behaviour is way beyond rationalizing, they will create the same insanity in you they suffer, if you allow it.
@@HeLpLOstGOdAny1 it's been 7 years. I'm long since distanced from family & friends and our home is in a rural area. I've been exhausted trying to make sense of it for so long. I'm just working on focusing on myself now, it's the only place I have to start. If I can get my mental & physical health better and work again, I can eventually leave. I've been experiencing fatigue spells for years and haven't been able to work. Now I wonder if it's from being so stressed out from walking on eggshells. I slept better the past couple nights and had no insomnia, which I've had almost the entire time with him. Something about this video clicked with me vs everything else I watched, and I've felt like I found an answer and don't have to keep blaming myself all the time.
@@BellaRigelOrion Yes Richard's speech easy to resonate with on topics of this ilk. Vulnerable narcissists act like spoilt wounded toddlers, almost zero maturity emotionally, very dangerous if they have too many of the 9 traits such as Chris Watts. Yes = walking on eggshells, their favourite go to. Counter it with as much grey rock as possible. Do not mirror, this gives them supply also, just as you giving sympathy, / empathy, this is fatiguing you. Focus on as much on self love self care, however, with such close proximity he may become aware you are up to too much, so may start to really turn up the gas-lighting. They snoop every detail, scrutinizing every / extremely hypercritical & hypocritical but cannot handle any criticism due to paranoia / shame. If you manage to criticize in any way and they do not respond it is not the end of it, they store it up as bitter / toxic resentment, they have no idea how to put things down / let them go. And to us this seems utterly bizarre. This is where the danger zone will be. So get in touch with your inner child, try to enjoy simple things, but do not neglect, quiet moments, a plan of escape; get away. You need to find some support, otherwise the isolation will make life very hard for you to break the cycle. May you find that inner strength you need.
@@HeLpLOstGOdAny1 I didn't realize being sympathetic was draining for me, that's a reflex that'll take time to work on. Thank you for that advice! He is cold and unsympathetic, but wasn't like that our first year together. Spoiled child is accurate, I never know what'll trigger him yelling and going off. He does it daily and it can be the slightest thing. Inability to handle constructive criticism is also strong with him, where as I learned how to listen to it in my years of critiques in art college from professors and peers. I've noticed it even when he plays video games. He'll just keep doing something the wrong way that'll kill him, then rage and blame the game. He doesn't try to learn to get better or practice things. Is that common for narcs? He's intelligent so I find it odd the level of stubborness and unwillingness to learn through failure.
Got broken up with by a covert narc a year ago, she told me it was because I was emotionally absent, emotionally abusive, and a gaslighter. Blamed me for the b/u. I was emotionally wounded and scarred, depressed, blamed myself for everything wrong in the relationship, shamed, and basically barely hanging on for a year, a shell of my former self. 2 days ago I find out she had been screwing another dude and integrating with his family for months before breaking up with me. Mere days after the b/u she posted pics of her and the new guy all smiles, kisses, and I love yous. No sign she had just come out of a relationship at all. Covert narcs will blame you, watch you wallow in guilt and shame, and not give a damn. They are poison and leave as much of a trail of destruction as an overt. If not more.
I know it’s different than what is usually discussed in terms of relationships discussed in this area, but my mother has been married to a grandiose narcissist for decades (a truly ugly human being, not a single one of my mums friends likes him) and I’m coming around to the fact that she is more than likely a fragile narcissist. I used to have calls with her every Sunday, we live in separate areas, but stopped it when a good friend noticed my mood changed dramatically to sullen, in anticipation of the self interested and dismissive, sometimes insulting calls I had with her. My brother feels the same. I tested her once, and yes, I do feel guilty, I thought I was a good loving son, but had to because of the outright confusion that was always at the heart of any interaction with her. And rage on my part that she wouldn’t listen. She had made some very weak excuse about something and being at a point that I didn’t much gaf what she thought, sarcastically offered her an out. A better lie to the weak excuse she had offered. The next sentence from her was her shamelessly using that lie directly at me, in all seriousness, as if I had said nothing at all. I was stunned, that’s what broke the camels back for me. My brother deals with it better than myself, he virtually cut her out of his life. I on the other hand haven’t been able to do that so I keep her at arms length and don’t interact for very long at all and don’t share anything intimate to myself, with her. I find it incredibly hard to just not be in touch, very guilty, shame even, but there is a visible positive difference in myself when I’m not in contact. Doesn’t stop me from feeling the guilt though. She created a narrative that she was beaten, abused and treated badly, by my dad before she left when we were young. There is truth in there, I do know that, I just don’t know where it is. As it turned out, I don’t trust a single thing she’s ever said anymore, she’s hidden herself this entire time. She left us to be with her then boyfriend. The created narrative was to deify herself to her two sons and assuage any guilt for herself so she could live her life. My dad was always silent about it all, so knowing the truth is almost impossible, but things that were said and done by her when thought about just don’t make logical sense. She is intensely selfish. As an early teen I asked her why she didn’t take my brother and I with her when she ran from my ‘abusive’ father? She said, and I quote “If it was just your brother, I would have.” I told my brother recently and this astonished him, made him very angry. I was about thirteen, and it confused tf out of me, and I was a mess back then anyway. How can a mother say something like that to a young son in such a blasé manner? 🤷🏽♂️ I never witnessed any physical abuse but I was young. Psychological? Yes, certainly, he was a drunk and a womaniser. My very long point that I’m guessing no one will get because this comment will just be farted into the comment ether, is that I came here, to Richard’s channel after watching sooo many of his very well reasoned videos because I thought I was the problem. Thought I was the fragile narcissist, or flat out narcissist. This has gone on for decades, I’m nearly fifty and am done with her shit, whether she’s a fragile narcissist or just a c u next Tuesday, I dgaf anymore, and my life has bloomed in the positive because of that. Thank you to Richard for pointing out that if you ask questions of yourself, that probably means that you’re not one of ‘them’. I hope 🤔😂 Fantastic channel this, mate. Great content, and ta very much 👍🏼
I’ve been listening to you since November 2017, and the more I listen, the more I realize how spot on you are with your explanation of covert narcissism. You bring to light so many details, which, when put together, paint the ugly reality of this subject. Thank you so much for what you do! Please don’t ever think you’re not helping. You have done a tremendous work, and have brought me to what I feel is near total healing.
Wow, another perfect explaination for me. This is precisely what I just dealt with with my ex. No wonder I was so confused! The cycling was baffling. Thank you for this video.
You just described me when I drink to self medicate...then full of fear and hanganxiety the next day upon seeing the trail of carnage I've left in my drunken rage ..
It's all true, at the divorce he finally openly show his dark side. I was secretly followed, he tryes to make all worse on each step. Its heartbreaking when you realize, that you loved only a mask, so perfectly wearing all long years...Now Im free, almost no contact, but I'll be healing a long time...
I had the same experience. I knew he was harmful to me, but I did not see just how depraved he is until after we separated and my head cleared, as he dropped the mask completely. It was utterly devastating.
That was the best description of what I have experienced with my ex husband....six and a half hellish confusing years. I now understand all the self-doubt that has plagued me. Thank you.
That totally fits. I got so crazed by the end that my own behavior became the focus, and I was flipping out in ways I have not seen myself get anywhere near before. Never any reaction. So I was the problem, it seemed. And he didn't notice, walked around like Mr.Teflon. I began to believe that I was the narcissist.
Wow! Richard I don’t know how I missed this video since I’ve been watching numerous ones of yours for about 3 mos now. THIS is the ONE! Yes, yes, yes and more yes. Every point you made. I was (still am) confused by His behavior. I was (still am a little) feeling sorry for Him because of his treatment as a child (adopted @2yo/He sees abandoned (never wanted to track down birth parents) - adoptive mother = narcissist/always held her natural born daughter up as perfect over Him - molested at young age/nobody protected Him - ex wife/horrible divorce/custody (now I know He probably had bigger part than He lets on) - several girlfriends that were psycho/cheaters (His stories) Alcoholic/addict was 2 yrs recovery when I met Him. For years I said it felt like I had a ping pong game going on in my head. He’d be This, then He’d be That. Then He’d say This then contradict Himself and say the That. (Covering His bases so He’d Never be Wrong?) Thank You, Richard, for All you do and cover on your channel!
This explains it so perfectly. Thank you thank you thank you!!!! Five years of confusion just ended. What's funny is that the first time I explained a situation to my therapist, within one minute, she said, "he sounds like a covert narcissist.". I had never heard of that before and since I've watched countless videos on the topic and this is the one that gave me the most clarity. 11:18 really hit home even more. My God!! Okay, this is the most underrated video. This video should have waaaaay more views. Richard, you are like a lifeline for me right now..thank you!
I call it the "bait-n-switch". My mother taught me how & why I got stuck with a man JUST LIKE HER! They ganged up on me for about 10 yrs & I'm only slightly surprised they didn't run off together except they hated each other but couldn't stop feeding off each other. My zero contact is the only thing that fixed my problems. Eventually they told each other to f**k off cuz they lost their joint scapegoat. Being alone is true bliss! They nearly killed me. My 3 kids went zero contact with them as well. I'm one of the lucky ones! 🙏 Gratitude for Richards commitment to helping me stay sane!
And thank you for the Gremlin analogy ! 😂👾 Needed a good laugh after my OMG following your “..dealing with the Grandiose is a walk in the Park compared to the Covert N..” comment...
Thanks a mill man Totally confusing characteristics 100% But i managed to finally get my answers and you surely helped the most 👍 He certainly could’ve been very aware of his decisions , on the top of the world ….. and a day later - hiding, moody, going back on everything he planned With help of others around him - im more than positive they played on his behalf!!!! ( is that even possible during his down mood period ? ) 🤔 Crazy personality Totally fucked up Therefore extremely confusing Thanks 👌 Ps - the other type ( even though i never heard their professional clinical term name ) - so easy to spot. And as an adult and also an empath their personality would’ve driven me crazy straight away Too loud Too fake Too full of themselves Etc ….. - ive seen them already ( NO NO THANKS ) But Covert …… - shit me not !! 🙄😵💫😳🤬🤯
@@Thedemonseedsower Not usually. They have similarities - the effort to garner sympathy being the main one. Though covert narcissists still have the chronic validation/attention seeking that borderlines don't, borderlines consistently have the "woe is me" attitudes, CN flip flop depending on what suits them.
@@gl4285 Thankyou for your reply. My borderline ex definitely had a chronic validation/attention seeking addiction (predominantly male attention) but also the persistent woe is me, and nihilistic attitudes.
@@Mijn24 There were! They very calculative to use people to their advantage and manipulate them or situation to get narrcistic supply. Borden-Line are very volatile but they come form the same spectrum of Narrcisist and Psychopaths so they will be drama manipulations to feed their own needs. Drink people blood like a vampire 😜
Thank you for the clarification. I bought your book 'A Cult of One' a week ago. There is much to digest,: actually overwhelming at times, but accessible to the layman.
This. Soooo this. The thing that has taken me a lifetime with a Covert Narcissistic mother to realize is that all the tears and regret and "I'm sorrys" don't actually inspire them to make any changes. It's also taken me all this time to realize (with many tries and reverting back) that the only TRUE solution is NO CONTACT. Legit no contact. Which feels brutal when it's your family. But on the other side I have so much mental energy now to actually focus on my own life! Amazing. Thanks as always for these videos Richard!
The term that came to me when I finally realised that something was not quite right was closet Narc. I didn't know this type of person existed because growing up as a scapegoat I was careful to avoid key traits of Nacisism. I just wished I had access to this information at least 20 years ago. It would have saved me a lot of pain.
Thank you Richard. Spot on! I was starting to wonder if i am loosing my mind, but no it's not my who is crazy it is the other person. thanx for showing me my sanity.
I came to your videos 2 weeks ago, I'm so shocked 😢, so broken. I never heard this term before. I was so confused with my ex boyfriend. He is exactly this way. I spent 7 years... this is so hard. 😔
I wasn't so much convinced it was me. My covert narcissist engineered the response of others to try to convince me I was terrible. He would even give them money and other help. Triangulation. It feels so crazy that I have indeed acted crazy in trying to convince others that he really did this.
Very clearly explained, well done that man! I always think of the grandiose narcissist as a Trump/ Johnson type of swaggering un- self aware monomaniac and the fragile narcissist as being a wretched, constantly self serving and shifting Gollum type character, forever trapped in their pathetic craving for adoration that they (I would suggest) know on some level they can never have. On account of them being mean, twisted, stunted creatures who eventually drive away anyone who tries to help them.
This definition really helped me to understand "covert" much better. Every argument is my fault. He is not responsible for any of the hurts he causes me. I recently made him apologize by telling him word for word what to say. And making him repeat it back to like I was talking to a child. It wasn't real but it really made me see how difficult it is for him.
Yes, like a disociate personality disorder. Fragmented. And to deal with him I was costricted to switch too. I was totally in cognitive dissonance. Just hot and cold...total confusion. Can't understand which one is real. Yes they are living in a fantasy world. Had also a persecution fear.They are really damaged people.
Wow, the point about them never asking those introspective questions..." Is it me? Could I be causing problems? Could I fix this?" Is huge! I need to focus in, yes this is GOLD. A big sign here, they don't question themselves, they have no true humility... They are actors at life. Yes, this is a hallmark sign.
Ahhhh I like listening to you. I like the way you speak and the right terms you use. It brings me peace. And I'm practicing english at the same time. Perfect.
13:14 This!! They never read up on self development/improvement for themselves (to use against others sure, but not to apply themselves). That was one of the things that confused me about them.
Interesting, I figured that out last year and it’s nice to get the validation. I had a roommate who , after I got her a job, became confusing. After thinking a lot about it , it became clear that confusing behavior was a red flag . When something does not make reasonable sense narcissistic behavior is afoot.
How does one deal with a mother who is a "covert" N. or however you referred that group of symptoms? Young kids can't get away, teens fight. Is it possible the N. throws the shame back in the kids direction as they appear to be in need of being taken care of?
A couple more things that I can point out. 1. They have a history of being the one who leaves a relationship or discarding their former partners. 2. They refuse to post pictures of current partners on social media. 3. They don't have many close friends. 4. Their cellphone is their most prized possession. 5. They gaslight you whenever they are caught doing something that is unacceptable by your standards. 6. They have the ability to tell you they love you every single day but can switch it off immediately once they are ready to discard you and most of the time you don't see it coming. 7. They feel "invisible" to their family. These are some of the things that I experienced, not all though. Richard I've been watching your videos for a while now and it really helps people like me to validate what we experienced and confirms that we've been emotionally manipulated and abused. The problem i see now is, will I ever be able to trust someone again? Will I become a detective to try and find any sense of NPD in my next potential partner, which might make me seem odd for asking so many deep questions. I think for most people who have experienced a covert narc before, the thing we try to do now is early detection in order to avoid another situation where we were con'd.
I just separated from a covert narcissist.. We were married for 10 years😳 I thought I was going crazy the first 5 years until I started to find these videos... HE was a covert 90% of the time but he was also overt... It was intense...
I got out of a 4 year relationship with my gremlin ex and couldn’t be happier. It’s sure nice to come home and not be stressed out. Literally anything could trigger an argument above and beyond comprehension. Don’t miss it one bit. Glad you’re out.
Where can I go for help??? I am a covert narcissist, I'm sure of it, but I don't want to be. I want to have healthy relationships with people. It's extremely worrying to think that this disorder is incurable and I will carry on for my whole life making others unhappy, and being unhappy. It also seems far too simplistic to think that a narcissist isn't self-aware of their disorder!
Covert in regards to their arrogance and entitlement...
vulnerable narcissists play the victim because nothing is ever a victims fault .. a victim isn’t responsible .. they see this as most ideal position to reside as they have sense of being in control once they have others believe this and they have no responsibility .. ☑️☑️
And there you have described my X
Describes my 13 year marriage...thankfully over, healing and moving on.
And there u have described an adult child.
Yes, exactly! This is exactly what I am dealing with, and I have been blaming myself for everything that goes wrong for them..
described my mother 88 years of entitlement and victim hood
My C-Narc was stunning, he was gorgeous. I would catch him looking at himself in the mirror looking sexy at himself....He never looked at me like that. They are empty boxes looking for any attention from any where to fill that box, any attention to validate them as a human. It has to be the saddest state to be in on Earth. There are so many empty boxes walking around. I will NEVER EVER get caught like this again. Education is the key guys. Keep watching videos like this until you understand it all, it's the key to recovery. As Richard says...If you are here reading this now...then it was not you it was THEM. Stay strong
I needed to hear... I'm not the narcissist. Healing came from hearing that. Thank you.
Talk about confusion 😅.. Now I understand. Thank you.
Your the only one I can really understand when you explaining things you break it down in English thank you
Is my favorite am I with a narcissist video ever. I wish this was the first one I ever saw when I was trying to figure out my confusion. I totally worried it was me also. I have this way of having narcissists in my life. Obviously I have a pattern that I was used to playing a role in. During one crazy experience I looked around me and realized that I was the one who is sane while I was trying to navigate crazy all around me. Dealing with crazy can make you feel crazy.
(Gannonism )
YOU CANT DRINK MY MILLLLKSHAKE!!!😆😆😆
OVER THIRTY DAYS NARC FREE ! I am a mere Squire to your Jedi Knighthood sir!!!!😆
Thank you sir !!
Wow thank you currently married to a man like this he shows regret frequently and I get so confused as it doesn’t fit into the definition. What I notice is that if he perceives that he’s not feeling loved my me he turns into this sulky little boy 👦
Thanks !! From Canada
You are the man.;)
Wow, this makes a lot of sense to me about some past behavior I have experienced.
6 years on my own now and it honestly boggles my mind looking back and seeing what I tolerated. I feel deep compassion for that part of me that felt that was all I deserved.
🌹🌹🌹❤🌹🌹🌹
Nancy B That's one of the most beautiful things to say about yourself. I feel that's where I have to get to... " deep compassion for that part of me that felt that was all I deserved". That's going on my fridge. Thank you for that depth of love.
@Pine Trees believe me it took a long time to get there, I did a lot of inner child work early on, reading John Bradshaw's books was helpful
After a decade and 4 children with a vulnerable, devious narc, I too look back, in horror at what I allowed and deep compassion towards myself. The me of today wouldn't even look at that creature once, let alone entertain it.
@@vickibarker8658 💜
You saved my life today. I keep feeling like I’m a demon for hurting a “child-like person”. I wanted to die today for hurting him by leaving. Now I get it. Thank you.
You too eh?
You’re not the only one in that boat. Please stay strong. ❤️
Setting boundaries and respecting yourself is more important than pandering to someone who couldn't care less about you. Glad you see the light because these lunatics get people confused and hooked in. Let go of that guilt and love yourself. Wishing you lots of healing 💕
@Tracy Lane this I did for many years........ If I leave him I will break his heart, how can I do that??? Oh my god 😱 I have now separated from a 33 year marriage, oh my word how much I feel better no confusion no fog, I use to think life was really tough, no it was HIM..... You keep doing you 💪😊 good luck 🙏😘
im in the same situation now…very painful
And if you are like me you might have pangs for a time to come. It means you haven't lost your empathy. Every so often it happens, doesn't last long but goes to show how effective gaslighting works on us. I have my moments too. Fewer and farther between. This person didn't take the best of you. Be well!
You explain covert narcissism better than anyone else on youtube ( in my opinion ). Your video "20 Signs You Are With A Covert Narcissist" saved my sanity ( what little sanity I had left at the time ). I will be forever grateful to you.
I swear Richard is the only one I understand. LOL Something about the way he talks, explains, etc. is so simple and down to earth.
Omarra67 - Exactly!
Yes!
Anna Tiernan Agreed! Richard saved me life!
Agreed! I didn't feel like I understood it until today-this video helped a great deal!
From my experiences dealing with covert narcissist in a relationship I have found that it is a total waste of time and energy to try to reason with them and have a mature rational conversation. They will throw crazy and fasle statements at you that are the complete opposite of reality to try to confuse you and get an emotional trigger reaction out of you and it takes time to recognize this and not take the bait (I think these reactions they try to get out of you is what give them their narcissistic supply). When you stop taking the bait and you clearly see exactly whats going on, like these shifts in their behavior like Richard says it's then time to decide if you want to stay with them. As far as I know you cannot "fix" them. If you don't want to stay with them you probably still have a strong bond with them so you will need to break up with them in your head first and before you sever the connection, you can slowly start changing your own behaviors and reactions to distance yourself more. Once you get out break ALL contact. Don't get lured back in. PS Happy Birthday Richard.
RM-PC You make a really good point. PRACTICE the break-up in your head over and over before actually cutting ties. Even if you can't actually cut ties completely, practice your new limited contact future in your head. You're getting your cognitive mind to align with your emotional mind into one cohesive and coherent intention. Then pull the trigger and "behave" the intention.
Conversation is ammunition and explanations gives them supply and information on what hurts you.
@@daniellelichtblau5340 It sure is. Grey rock and disappear into the landscape.
Exactly what my ex was doing to me
It is easy to distance yourself from a narc when they are unloveable, vicious and push you away emotionally. This made leaving my ex easier because I became completely turned off by his negativity and psychosis.
It confuses me why he tries to pick stupid fights with me all the time. Don’t even talk about the nitpicking and unwanted or unneeded advice 🙄
Don't put up with it, plan to get yourself out
josh sainty but it’s my house so I can’t go plus the trauma bond is so strong. I’m doing my best to educate myself and how to respond to him. Now instead of cowering I find myself saying to him ‘well if you think I’m so awful why are you here?’ Usually stops him for a bit.
Compulsive need to be right, to undermine you, to keep you below him in his hierarchy, an effort to gaslight you - take your pick.
@@melissa17379 don't make excuses. You gonna put up with being poisoned until one of you dies? Make a plan and get out. Sorry to be rude but people in toxic relationships aren't used to kind advice.
He picks stupid fights all the time because they serve 2 purposes. 1. It staves off the opportunity for emotional intimacy. And 2. it reassures him and illustrates to you that he is in control. Sounds as if he's very much a control freak, overbearing. Good luck. x
You have a gift for teaching. Most professionals in this field know how to diagnose from DSM, however what good is this, if you do not know how to deal with it. In my experience You have succinctly explained narcissism better than any psychologist, psychiatrist, LPSW and LSW. This is 👏
I agree, I have watched other YTubers, so called professionals, 'cut Richard a new one', most of them would still me tell me that CPTSD cannot be diagnosed because it is not yet in their bible, they would rather label the victim of narcissistic abuse as a borderline personality disordered person rather than buck the system. I was diagnosed recently as having both PTSD as well as BPD (borderline) by a shrink, I waited 40 years to do this. I have agreed to be put on a waiting list to start a DBT group session but honestly feel that I do not fit the BPD criteria, I'm sure there is much to learn fro the DBT session regardless of what I have so I plan to attend.
Ali Armand AGREED !!! His explanations are LOGICAL...a welcome relief in our insane world of living with the Narcissist. He’s epic.
To the point so I can get thru and get up and get out !!!
Crimson King I also have been diagnosed with BPD, and I don’t think that is correct. Actually labelling people with these disorders is not particularly helpful. People are individuals and need to not be lumped all together into a category. What does DBT stand for?
@@vickibarker8658 I don't see them as labels for people, they are labels for behavioural patterns that present in some people. These labels are helpful because they allow us to talk about these behavioural patterns, which is crucial, especially in DBT - as the definition 'dialectical behavior therapy' suggests. I have been diagnosed Borderline too and I agree, it is very important for people to understand that these labels are not a description of a whole individual, just a set of behavioural patterns they exhibit.
@@vickibarker8658 dialectical behavior therapy
Anyone else worry that it's you that is actually the narcissist, but that you've convinced yourself that it's the other person? 🙈
That's where I am rn
So what’s the verdict
Yes, and also how to tell who's who with cognitive dissonance as a narcissist, intelligent person and angry stupid person can all seem exactly the same when it comes to this.
Emotional dysregulation can also make any of us appear toxic.
Look at past history and for patterns of behaviour over time to tell them apart I guess?
I literally have so much anxiety rn from trying to figure this out.
@@jrowewilliams98
You're usually not if you ask if you are but it's a good idea to know the traits and red flag 🚩 them in self or other if there's a pattern of 5 or more consistent over time in a variety of situations and contexts.
The nine most common traits for NPD include :
1. Having an inflated sense of self-importance and entitlement.
Deep down, you feel like you’re the best, most successful, competent, [insert praise here] in any situation.
2. Needing constant admiration.
Your self-esteem is like a balloon without a knot, requiring a steady stream of attention, approval, and recognition to keep it inflated. No matter how much someone tells you that they love or look up to you, it feels like it's never enough.
3. Expecting special treatment.
Whether it’s favors or apologies, whatever you want, you believe you deserve to have it-because you’re superior to everyone around you, and they know it and should comply.
4. Exaggerating achievements and talents.
You have no problem embellishing the facts-or even outright lying-about your life, resume, and experiences.
5. Reacting negatively to criticism.
Even though you crave control and take full credit when things are going well, you’re quick to blame others whenever a situation doesn’t go as planned. It’s extremely hard to accept criticism or admit to mistakes because, naturally, it’s always someone else’s fault, not yours.
6. Being preoccupied with fantasies about power, success, and beauty.
You tend to create and believe exaggerated, unrealistic narratives around your success, relationships, even how good you look to help you feel special and in control. Anything that threatens the fantasy is rationalized away or simply ignored. You also want people to feel envious of you, and you feel pretty envious of people who have what you want.
7. Taking advantage of others.
You often don’t think twice about using or exploiting other people to achieve your own ends-whether maliciously or obliviously. You care about your relationships and the people in your life on a superficial level-if they elevate your social status, or make you look or feel good, for instance-and you don’t really think about how your behavior might affect them.
8. Having an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others.
You’re super sensitive to how people treat you and react to your needs and feelings, but on the flip side, you can’t put yourself in other people’s shoes and empathize with their experiences. You might belittle others or even bully people to feel better about yourself. You never really “go deep” in any of your relationships, either-and, frankly, it doesn’t bother you all that much.
9. Behaving in an arrogant manner.
With an inflated ego and sense of superiority and entitlement, you probably insist on having the best everything-the best car, office, designer clothes-monopolize conversations, look down on people you perceive as “inferior,” and only associate with those you think are equally special, successful, and talented." ~ Psycom. 😈🚩🤔
You're describing my ex as if you knew him ... yet he thinks he's a 'one of a kind' limited edition model ...lol (ironically).
The one I "knew" thought being called weird was a compliment. Lool. They like being different. They just don't understand that they're "bat shit crazy abuser" different.
@@zarah2856 I'm an empath, or rather a reformed empath lol 😂 I'm eccentric and I quite like being called weird, but I'm not a narc, but I've certainly learned a thing or two from how they manoeuvre through life and I've acquired some pro tips from them - not to be like them, but to protect myself from them and people that even have the tiniest bit of an exploitative nature... it's been a process and evolution for me - it's actually made me weird, so please don't take that away from me! hahaha 😂
Is it a tactic of covert/vulnerable narcissistics to criticise and goad a person till they loose their temper. Then become really infuriatingly calm. The anger that I feel is what makes me feel I’m part of the problem.
My ex was always trying to get me to lose my temper and he'd question me all the time because I didn't. He made me feel weird for not blowing up at him, even though many times I should have because I often under-reacted to not make him feel bad. However, in the end, when we broke up and I was finally angry with him, he acted as if I was the one acting insane and dramatic. I felt and still feel bad for being angry at him because it's like, he was so calm and trying to be peaceful, and I was practically fuming at him. And it takes a LOT to get me upset in the first place, so he'd really hurt and upset me to get me to that point, but he acted as if he'd really done nothing while I was the one being "crazy". It's crazy. I feel so bad for being angry at him, but also feel angry because of him acting as if our relationship was nothing and could just flow into friendship at the end. Like dude, did you not just hear me lay out why I was upset and wanted to break up with you, but you just wanted to know if we could still be friends? Infuriating to this day, honestly.
That behaviour is specifically called "reactive abuse" and yes it is a form of emotional abuse employed by narcissists (among other personality types)
This.
DK thanks for your reply. I’d never heard that term before and just googled it.
My ex did this all the time
Beware of the person who is chronically unappreciated or under-appreciated.
Spot on!
You'll never hear the end of it!!!!
Yes. Correct this is very big sign.
When they say they are underappreciated?
“I suppose this is our last conversation.” These were the last, carefully crafted words I heard from my narcissistic mother after confronting her about her very hurtful behavior toward another individual. In my own ‘carefully crafted’ words, I responded, “I will leave that up to you, mom.” I never got another call from her. Five years later, and a journal filled with horrible memories of her narcissistic behavior, my mother died. After that final conversation, she tried her best to separate my daughter from me. It didn’t work. For some reason, my daughter was NOT shocked or hurt by her behavior and was relieved to disconnect. “Mom, grandma was always greedy and mean to people, especially you.” She saw it but I didn’t. I still haven’t cried after her death. As I looked through pictures of my past, I noticed there was only one photo of her showing any sort of affection toward me...and it was posed by my dad who was an amateur photographer. He had died 25 years earlier. I miss the man who constantly told me he loved me. Oops...now I am crying.
💜
Having a narc parent (or both) is a scary and very lonely experience.
I’m sorry you deserved so much better
Wish I could hug you and tell you what a beautiful person you are. ❤️🙏🏻❤️
When they cry their tears are always for themselves exclusively. The want your tears all for themselves exclusively as well.
The crying yes a lot!
Yes! It was only consequences that got tears and apologies were along the lines of I screwed I list my love, I lost, I, me, I. That's what he cared about
I found I developed some narcissistic tendancies in defence of their behavior... Now I'm like that's the stamping toddler...that's the egotistic teenager, and there's the wounded victim, yes, very confusing... this video perfectly described my experience
Watch out for those Jekyll and Hyde personalties...it's basically covert narcissism.
When I first got narc'd I wasn't sure what was happening --- I didn't even know it was a thing. I wondered if I was the problem, I wondered what I'd done wrong and what role I'd played. Whatever the narc said do or change or be, I did it - nothing worked - it was always "damned if I do, damned if I don't" - and nothing was meant to be about me.
I'd gone from being a very independent, high functioning, upwardly mobile, driven and ambitious person to knocked flat, even my career and finances ruined, isolated, triangulated, everyone turned against me... yet he got everything he apparently wanted, and I got absolutely nothing I wanted - it didn't seem fair and it looked like everyone had enabled him and condemned me.
Vile and disgusting creatures they all are! And once you learn all about it and then do the study and forensics, you come to realize this person had the most grandiose levels of selfishness and entitlement! gah!
MsGlamourcat it’s an interesting network. So many flying monkeys.
I am still waging a covert war against my ex; my family still blames me for everything he did, and that was over a decade ago now. I will never eradicate his toxic effect on my most important relationships, because obviously I chose him as a husband, so it must be all my fault, right? Tried to explain it thus: "If I could control him as completely as you all think I could, do you REALLY think I would have made him do all those horrible things to everyone, especially to me?" People aren't rational in their judgements of others. As far as I'm concerned, the worst sin you can commit is to judge another. I'm not religious but "Judge not, lest ye be judged" is the most telling phrase in the Bible. I hold myself responsible for what I am responsible for, but I cannot be held responsible for another human beings thoughts, beliefs, words and actions. It's a complete impossibility, as anyone with a 3 year old will tell you, let alone totally control another adult.
@@Kayenne54 not judging is what gets us into this mess... I did it, or rather I didn't - I didn't judge, yet the red flags were there and I thought to myself "my perceptions can create that worst case scenario, so I'll give them the benefit of the doubt" --- big mistake! Don't judge, but definitely use good judgement - it's a fine line... if your judgement protects you, go for it - because nothing at all, not even the best self-healing, self-discovery, introspection, etc - nothing can undo the damage they do.
I'm still trying to resurrect my career believe it or not! I used to be such a bubbly and positive, confident person, healthy self-esteem --- well I was taken-out and taken-down! I went for an interview a few years back and the CEO liked me so much he wanted to do my reference checks straight away. Well my old Managing Director phoned me and said "Mel, I think I screwed-up that reference for you! I'm so sorry! He asked me what was up with your self-esteem and I told him you were never quite the same after what your ex had done!" I went into complete and utter shock! Well my old Managing Director is at UBS now and makes millions of dollars - what he should have said next was "Get to UBS now (in your local city) and I'll tell them to give you a job, even if they need to create one for you!" -------- but he didn't! ugh!
*edit: I never heard back from that CEO so I clearly did not get that job and I was beyond gutted! This would not happen to a man - this is Australia and we are still way far behind the rest of the world in regard to equality and any comprehension on how to treat someone that has experienced not just narc abuse, but what I was put through was also full scale domestic abuse and domestic violence.
Trust me, a malignant narc can destroy you so much that it impacts your every ability to function, including your job - and people will judge you! So ditch that thing from the bible about judgement - you were judged - and the bible was wildly corrupted to force us to be subservient! Do you think narcs worry about judging you? or all of the flying monkeys they enlist to attack you? Nope! They're all judging and it's all false because it's based on lies and biases created by the narc.
Stay strong! xxx
ps: I often find great comfort in the bible myself, and sleep with one next to me --- but it's not to be taken literally - it's a book of code and we're meant to be the code-breakers!
@@MarkSven888 flying monkeys = because people will so easily think the worst of you rather than the best of you! Remember that narcs do not go for losers! They go for THE BEST OF THE BEST - they need you for all that you have to offer them and you had want to make sure you make them look good in the process! You only exist for their benefit! UGH!
I'm super export pro at detecting them now! Stay strong xxx
A sure telling sign is often 'who is getting what they want?' when they accuse you back for selfishness or whatever... Naturally you wanted to assert needs because they were taking something, crossing a boundary, saying social contracts or meanings are just silly.
Like person A-
I'm suicidal, nothing going right"
Person B- that slightly inconveniences me, don't be selfish,-- or "that's weak" "not listening because vulnerable emotions"
If course, exaggerations. Well not really. It's what they are doing, not saying that counts.
I just ended things with mine of 7 years. All I've wanted to do this whole week is just sleep. I'm so exhausted it's insane. Crying and sleeping and praying I survive this because I literally feel like I'm going to die at this moment 😭
The End Of Me you will survive this
I understand what you are going through. I promise that it gets better!
I had that epiphany during my meditation during the last full moon, when I was in quarantine w the ex too. So much clarity during that time. I’m grateful I’m out of that terrible 6 year cycle myself. Lesson learned. Eyes opened.
I had that epiphany during my meditation during the last full moon, when I was in quarantine w the shy narc too. So much clarity during that time. I’m grateful I’m out of that terrible 6 year cycle myself. Lesson learned. Eyes opened.
I had that epiphany during my meditation during the last full moon, when I was in quarantine w the shy narc too. So much clarity during that time. I’m grateful I’m out of that terrible 6 year cycle myself. Lesson learned. Eyes opened.
I feel so lucky. I learned when I was very young to identify and avoid the kind of people you are talking about in this video. I didn't know they were narcissists, I could just tell they were bad news. I grew up in a happy, secure home, so I quickly recognised traits in people that didn't fit in with my family's norms. At least that's my theory.
Do you think that growing up in a less than optimal situation makes some people more likely to become the victims of narcissists? Everything seems to stem from childhood experiences.
Of course it is. If you can't trust and be safe with the only ones on the planet you're supposed to. LOL I have been in a fucking confusion all my fucking life, I'm gonna turn 27. And not to 'brag' (?) but I'm not a stupid person. And it's funny because I regressed in time, the more I got old the more fragile and vulnerable I became, it's really weird. And when I was younger I was very strong with guys, I don't know how to say this in english. But later between 21 and 26 I had 2 relationships with assholes narcissists (I was/became so shitty with them, so vulnerable, they took/shit on all of my self-esteem -didn't really had any in my life- lol so they had to take some flesh ahahah) and then I started to gently realised I ve been swimming/drowning in shit all these years.
You are lucky, but never let your guard down, they are all different and you will probably get duped in the future by an advanced prototype...
Yeah, this fragile narc, I couldn't quite identify it, but, it was too familiar. Kicked him to the curb, despite the gaslighting attempts and now, after the fact, I have crystal clarity on the vile monster I was dealing with.
@@afakkobyab5982 'advanced prototype' 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
We need a dating site solely for recovering co-dependents, no narcs allowed, whatever the f-ing type they are, they’re toxic. The end.
Maybe not explicitly for people in recovery, but one that matches people who sincerely share values. The old OkC***** algorithm was perfect so long as someone answered at least 500 questions. It got bad only when there were too many questions that didn't stick to core values and they didn't have a required minimum. If a site actually enforced a minimum it could work. Narcs wouldn't have the patience or would fail to match with their desired targets and complain it didn't work for them.
Would the covert narcs who blame their partners also go?
@@jorgepeterbarton they might, which is why there should be some sort of filter that they can't cheat or that would offend them. Having to answer a bunch of questions would offend them since they don't ever feel they need to earn anything.
Maybe a no cheaters site....the one's who cheat you out of life energy.
@@RecreationalUseOnly ''dating site solely of recovering codependents would be like watching 100 people in a pool that can’t swim drowning each other.'' Lol'd hard at that one, thanks for the smiles. . .
Richard, you have explained this so brilliantly and this has helped me so much. I have struggled with this for 20 years, have read and studied narcissism for so long, and still cannot get away from my covert narcissistic husband. I have felt suicidal in the hopelessness of my situation. Trying to break the brainwashing is a momentous task.
Vicki Barker
I have been married 20 years this year . Started waking up 2016 but only into the land of confusion. This past year I have been at the Hotel California.. we can check out but we can never leave ., in reality I have left my home less than 20 times since 2016., I’m fucked up BUT IM NOT WANTING TO END MY LIFE AND NEITHER ARE YOU!!!
Stop saying that or thinking that . This shit is hell and cannot be expressed to others but I will NOT AND YOU WILL NOT ENTERTAIN THOSE THOUGHTS.. know that there are others sitting frozen and confused your not alone your in this time place and experience for a reason. Believe that!! !
@@Think-dont-believe Can I ask what drags you back once you've left?
@@Think-dont-believe yes you are right. Thank you for your reply, it's comforting to know that I am not alone. I know that, as you say, there's a reason for this situation and I am determined to get out and claim my life. It's great to have a connection.
Vicki Barker and k m, my view is keep watching the youtube videos, including the trauma bonding videos, and continue trying to implement ( even if it's hard ) the recommendations in the videos. That will take time and work. Then hopefully sooner rather than later the trauma bond will break and you'll be on your way to good health. Never give up trying as you are worth it.
@@raccuia1 Joseph that post is so inspirational, thank you. It's what I need to hear. I will keep watching the videos as I am so determined to break the trauma bond. It's so important and it's what I came here to do. Thank you for your message, it's so helpful.
I married one . I was too forgiving , obviously. Its ok now, GOD has taken over!!!
He never apologize, never. I finished that relationship almost a year ago, march 22. One part of me wants to celebrate on sunday, the other one wants to hide... I need more time to heal. Thank you, you helped me a lot.
Either way, Happy Anniversary! You've survived and overcome.
Congrats on getting out & the achievement of putting space and time between the experience. Perhaps do something nice for yourself as a recognition of where you are now? 💜
@L 0 V E & Gratitude you are another self Thank you and take care of you and of yours loved one.
@@robinrevell5873 Thank you and take care of you and of yours loved one.
@@BellaRigelOrion Thank you and take care of you and of yours loved one.
I thought love mattered..
I grew up thinking people fell in love..
Now, I know it's all a mind game..
I'm adopting a shelter dog..
Maybe that dog will love me..
And I will trust her...
😔😔😔
Palmer Organic Farms
I’m glad you said dog and not cat. I have two cats that I rescued, and I can say with great confidence that cats are the most narcissistic creatures of the animal kingdom....but ... but... they are so adorable (especially when they purr) that I volunteer my servitude to them till I pass.😁
@@tamaracoba bahahaha I know exactly what you mean but I am totally fine being basically a slave to this fuzzy purry lil apex predator who decided to show up at our door.
If you’d like to connect, let’s talk. Writing letters across the miles is something I’d like to do.
1 out of 100 are like this.
I have 2 dogs....that makes every day fun! I'm getting better at feeling happy & grateful to be alive🌄💖
"It's almost like dealing with dissociative identity disorder, and you'll be like, okay which version of them am I dealing with today?"
Fuck. Yup. That is very much our experience as well, massive relief hearing you say it.
We're a system of trauma survivors, suspected DID- not yet diagnosed, we know/think our mom is operating with covert/ vulnerable/ fragile narcissistic traits and behaviours. Some parts of us are only just learning this while persecutors and protectors in here have recognised her behaviour as abusive since we were kids.
For us, we have been so confused, and our empathy has always pulled us back in, because we experience what its like to switch between parts of us, and we have always had the experience of "which mom am I dealing with right now?" We thought because of that for a long time that she was a system like us. But a lot of things just didn't add up in a way that made us recognise her behaviour as exactly like ours.
It kept us confused for a very long time.
The pieces are falling into place for more and more of us now, and the other day we went no contact after a repeat of boundary breaking from her.
Your videos are helpful, every sentence resonates so goddamn much. Thank you for making them, I feel like we're making sense of our life slowly. - Violet
I ended my relationship with a fragile, histrionic narcissist and I felt as though my soul was decimated by the abuse I sustained. I finally feeling like myself again and it took me 6 months.
A huge step to leave. Good on you for taking your power back. These poor excuses for human beings take more energy than they give. You end up on the short end of the stick drained and withered. Glad you are recovering. break ups are hard enough. One thing I know is you can never change a person no matter how much love you give. You can only control how you respond 🌹
That long. Ugh😅 I'm about 2 weeks out
I was arguing with a covert narc who was clearly in the wrong, they tried to get flying monkeys but they agreed with me - when I forcefully asked for an apology they said 'fine i'm sorry YOU upset me'. - I was bewildered but yes it is disturbingly true that they will never consider themselves at fault and when they are it will be to get attention or pity and have people feel sorry for them.
those are the "moments of truth", "the nuggets" that confirm that it is not you regardless of what anyone else including the narc may think. It is a rare moment, a gimps into how they really think, how their brain works, the innate ability to never see the "truth" as far as how their actions have negatively effected someone. The confusing part for me is when we're told that some of them are not able to even acknowledge that what they do is wrong even though what they do involves plotting much like a pedophile does. If you're targeting people based on the ease with which you can manipulate them, their emotions then you are a twisted such and such, period.
Mine loved to say, I'm sorry you are upset.....
cccopycat b bahaaa..... funny NOT funny!! My ex used these exact words too!! 😡
"I'm sorry You upset Me"??? WOw, that is your proof of who you are dealing with, someone who thinks only in terms of themselves! Like they are actually incapable of a true apology! My brother recently tried to ask for an apology from our Dad for being brutally disrespectful and humiliating him in public, and all he said was, I just can't stand when people do what you did. My poor brother just stood there in disbelief and said, "That's not an apology!" I could not even explain to him that he's never going to get one, he refuses to believe our Dad is a narcissist.. he got angry at me for saying it. I'm sorry you had to endure this, thank you for helping others understand this insidious disorder.
Love your assumed name...gave me a good laugh in the morning.
Yes indeed. Hugely damaging. It's incredibly heartbreaking, the cruelest mirage to go through
Astute as ever Richard, thank you for explaining the distinctions, cute mogwai analogy
Couldn't be a better analogy
I don't even know if the fragility or vulnerability is real or pantomimed
I’ve watched a lot of your videos...off and on for years...and I’m sure you have done similar vids describing “covert” aka fragile/vulnerable narcissist but this one helped me see what I was dealing with.
This seems more in line with BPD though. The vulnerable state of being while having moments of grandiose and haughty behaviour and as soon as they're called out they become an anxious stressed mess of a human being. Probably just comorbid with it.
I developed the traits of a borderline as a coping mechanism with the covert narc because you can never speak to them directly about anything or communicate your needs without being devalued. I was never so passive aggressive as when I was in that relationship. As soon as I broke up with him all of those traits my ex constantly told me I need psychological help for freakin’ vanished into thin air, save for the cptsd and being triggered when I am misunderstood by someone (I’m worried they’re purposefully misrepresenting me and trying to gaslight me but they actually truly just misheard me) so I’m working on that and trusting open communication again; Trusting that the people I know now will actually be able to receive it and I no longer feel such a desperate need to veil my thoughts and boundaries in defensive anger for them to be heard. I don’t know if that makes sense but I felt like if I didn’t end up giving the narc a taste of his own medicine, he ignored me or continued to get away with lying and being the sole source of my misery. He was more of a male borderline, I think. With the suicidal threats if I was enjoying myself with friends on my birthday and he wasn’t the center of attention. He would cry like a toddler from a place of resentment that would turn into a dead stare and vindictive smile within 2 minutes. I was in that parent-child/child-parent whiplash for sure (saw that metaphor from one of your other videos).
I have given him the name, Dr Jekell Mr Hyde. Now I get it, thank you for explaining the differences!
Thank you so much for this. This is exactly what I have been worried about. I was terrified it was me. I have been searching and searching. Was I the problem? Was I the horrible person?
Now I just need to figure out how to work through all of this, safely (I live with him and I am not in a position to leave just at the moment), and then figure out what the hell I am going to do.
Thank you again for your videos. They are a great help.
I see you wrote this two years ago. I sure hope you were able to get out of that toxic relationship! Hope you found a way out.
I've seen and experienced a fair whack of sh1t in my time on earth, but nothing has affected me like this ex.
Horrendous, Horrific, absolute hell and words alone just can't describe it all.
The trauma bond, love bombing, Triangulation with Ex's, Gaslighting and control over you is wicked.
Figuring it out afterwards and trying to get your head around all of it is another mission in itself.
Coming to terms with the truth that it was a lie and the relationship effectively been a sham is what cuts the deepest.
There's always that small minuscule part of you that still loves them and then reality kicks in and wham your back to reality of they're a Narcissist now let go.
You want them not to be a Narcissist because you see such goodness in them and then you remember the episodes of them screaming down and berating you and then hours later apologising to do it again another day.
Tis a torture of a person that almost never ends.
Want to help the person so very much, but know I can't and have to stay no contact.
I became like a Detective I needed to try and work out wtf was going on with this person who snared me unfortunately 🥺
Literally he could be a celebrity Romantic Narcissist he did it all text book his traits.
After I did the big break-up I told my friend/confidant, and I remember saying, "I DON'T GET IT!" more than a few times. About a week and a half later I found out the answer, she is an NPD (imo), and a "vindictive narcissist" at that. What she did was totally baffling, but only when I was ignorant... when I found out what she is it all made perfect sense. :P
Yep!! Thanks Dude!! Yes... this is right on... Even the Dissociation disorder...
In my case she was searching the internet trying to discover the problem in the relationship because she felt or sensed that I was getting fed up and thinking of leaving (which I was) and so she needed to understand the problem - from my point of view it was her constant anger and instability and lying and not trusting, (by her own admission she would often say 'I don't trust anyone') and becoming furious when she was not getting enough attention (we called these incidents 'bomb's because they were like a terrorist attack, catching me totally by surprise, upset by the most trivial things, ie: asking traffic directions from a woman passing by - when there is nobody else to ask - or gently saying 'you know... it can be difficult to be vulnerable in front you sometimes', this provoked fury and screaming and the strange accusation 'NO! It is you who is wearing the mask!' and demanding she get more respect ie: others should stand up when she walks in the room, which I found strange and so did others) - nonetheless she discovered that I am a Covert Narcissist, who has been torturing her for many years by deliberately withholding my attention (ie: talking to other people sometimes or having other interests) and that all my love, affection and attention thus far has only been a carefully planned manipulation to get her attention, which oddly enough seems to describe her, who has cheated throughout the relationship and has accused me of the same - which I haven't ever done - but now she is telling everyone that I am a Covert Narcissist and she has proven it by online research. So curious and confused I came online to see what a 'Covert Narcissist' is and to my amazement what you have said here Richard describes her EXACTLY! The key point is 'two identities' and switching - the whole relationship was like this, broken down and crying and apologizing, and then back up on her high horse dominating, controlling and demanding. I never understood this, and it exhausted and nearly broke me, until now. THANK YOU!
@Moogie B Utterly! I am not exaggerating when I say that at certain points I literally felt like someone in a Harry Potter movie having a Dementer suck the life force out of me. It would take me days to recover after a big explosion since I would spend all my energy re-regulating her and calming her down only then to be told I was controlling her or lying to her or pretending that I love her etc...she was determined to confirm her worst suspicion that she was being duped and not really loved and like a fool I kept pouring the river of my heart into the hole riddle bucket of her soul! No amount of love or care can fill up the emptiness there. Even a river can't fill a bucket with a hole in it.
I was married to a covert narcissist. The confusion and pain from 18 years of attacks left me suicidal. I stood up to him and when he saw he couldn't get supply, he attacked our two teenage sons. THAT provoked me. I would confront him in front of the boys, then he'd come after me. When it ended up in me having a meltdown he'd say to the boys, "See, your mom is crazy." He was a drunk and womanizer. He turned my friends against me. I could no longer work. And he had my church kick me out. Ultimately he turned my sons against me with his lies. I begged them to come with me when I left. They chose dad. That was in 1996. Thank you for sharing your story. It helps me understand my sons a bit more. They are believing a false narrative and I cannot change that. I'd love to share my rich and full life with them, to show them what a healed and healthy mother looks like, but they are not interested. You sound like a wonderful son. God bless you.
Fragile and vulnerable are terms that play into our ridiculous tendency to sympathize with something we really can't be sympathizing with if we want to disconnect and save ourselves. IMHO.
🎉HAPPY BIRTHDAY RICHARD! 😍🎂 I wish you all the love & respect you deserve & great health! You’ve been so pivotal in my learning & helping my life! Thank you from the bottom of my heart! I hope to meet you one day & give u a big hug for all your help you’ve given me & others! It’s my birthday too and we’re all house bound. Sigh Hope you go live today, you’re so funny. I’ll eat a piece of cake for ya dear! 😊😜Cheers! 🥂✨
I appreciate this so much! You're saving me from another narcissist relationship!!! I've had 3+ already! This guy sends me mixed messages and I am so confused!!!
I have been married to a Covert Narcissist for 24 yrs who rarely apologizes for his negative behavior. What he does is turns super sugary sweet. This had left me soooooo confused for over a decade until I began to understand the dynamics of his personality traits and my reactions to his behavior. I had some serious health issues that have kept me stuck in my situation. After watching your videos and some cognitive therapy I have come to realize that I accepted this behavior because of my abusive childhood and I MOST DEFINITELY deserve better! I have recently started working out, eating healthier, taking better care of my physical and mental wellbeing, am about to start a new job that will set me up to stand on my own two feet. I am secretly planning my escape.
I agree...the biggest sign is that I had spent many years confused, doubting what I was feeling, the legimacy of my feelings. But that is no longer the case. I now understand his patterns and view the entirety of our relationship with eyes wide open.
Thank you for bringing attention to personalities that seem so difficult to understand as the best narcissist wears the best masks making it so difficult to see who they really are. 😳
You are helping me so much, no one around me gets what I'm going through. Since I'm relatively young, people think that it's a "normal" thing to go through... Unfortunately it's not. I'm so trauma bonded that I keep making excuses for his behaviour and at times it hits me like being without a drug. I would love some help, I want to heal and put this behind me.
So sorry to hear this. It sounds horrendous and yes, unless you've experienced it it's very difficult to explain to other people. Richie does a brilliant online course on Emotional Literacy, about £45 GBP but worth every penny / cent / euro.
He also has a free download course on Emotional Flashbacks which helps enormously.
Wishing you heal quickly & find peace of mind. Keep going! 🙂👍
@@Hermanus-lj9fk oh! I would love to get this download. It's very recent since I went no contact, so I have a lot of mixed emotions. Including wanting to let him know how much he hurt me, because sometimes my brain makes me think he ain't all this.
@@gioovannabp
Click on the little arrow at the top of the comments, there's a link to Spartan Lifecoach, Richie's website where you can register for the free download & other courses. Best of luck. Xx
@@Hermanus-lj9fk oh, thank you so much! Your help came in needed times.
Don't let him know how much he hurt you. When he had cared about this he already had show this to you. If you are going to let him know and he is narcissistic then he will ignore or hurt you more or try to use this information to hoover you later or against you after the hoover.
Thank you for your LOGICAL and CONCISE explanations of the Narcissist.
Your communication style is a beautiful gift that allows us the freedom of clear thought processes in the midst of this unfortunate symbiotic disorder, and grants us the ability to generate confidence thru your education, giving us a hand up toward creating options for ourselves, resulting in healthy decisions to better ourselves and our responses, getting to our escape - with our lives and our sanity ! 🙏📖🕊💝🌞
Your fresh/logical approach is so much better than being slogged down into further confusion and subsequent stress/hopelessness with the usual therapists verbiage ... we already are confused enough living in the realm of the Narcissist...
Very grateful for you 💝
Every time I remember him with feelings of regret and reconciliation , I come here and watch your videos! Thank you so much Richard.
I'm still asking myself was it me, is it me am I manipulative am I awful
I'm in the same thought process
I get that I beat myself up over it all the time
you aren’t if you’re questioning yourself narc don’t really see their mistakes or their cruel actions that they’re doing.
I’m doing the same. Too bad that’s what a vulnerable narcissist does to ya.
@@Wormlife208 yep it's a constant battle with your inner self to wind your self up again the right way and tell yourself it wasn't you. It turned me into a mess a bleak shadow of myself, when someone pushes you to those extremes it can be so painful living with yourself.
Holy shite....if you were sitting here describing the situation in front of you from my perspective you could not have said it better. This video exactly describes what I've experienced and still experiencing. It took my breath away to hear the break down and reasoning for something that has literally got me thinking I may be batshit crazy!!! So thank you more than you will ever know for taking the time to do these videos. You are brilliant and you make this difficult topic and disorder easy to understand!!!! And by the way, I'm searching, have been searching and will continue to try and learn more so guess what....It's Not Me!!!!! Happy Dance!!!
Well, that was a relief. Thanks for straightening me out, Richard.
Keep up the good work.
Best wishes. ⚘😊
Lucy Anders,You look cute,Hope you are not with a narcissist...
I'm so confused about whether it's me or the people I've surrounded myself with. I've recently (in my forties) realised my mother is a covert narcassist. I always concentrated on healing from my dad who was overt and the obvious one. Now I'm realising that most of my friendships are based on the same dynamic but equally so confused as to whether I've perhaps inherited the traits from my parents and it's actually me. Ahhh so confusing!
Was in this relationship for 30 years. I went from childhood abuse straight to marriage with my narc. In the process, lost myself. Been healing for 5 years now, let me tell you...IT IS DIFFICULT. Once they run off your entire support sytem, you have to start over. I was so lost for a few years.
There is no fixing narcissism. That is the biggest lesson I learned. The switching is the hardest thing in the world to deal with. It is CRAZYMAKING
Taking back my self the most rewarding thing I have EVER done.
I'm starting over too. One year down. 😮💨
My covert Narc confuses me but shows no shame and no cycling - she denies everything and stonewalls me pretty much all of the time - I used to try and engage with her and question what was happening in our marriage only to be ignored, stared at, gaslighted and blamed for everything. So this video confuses me even further as to what I’m dealing with?
Get out.
No contact.
Save your mental health.
Simple.
I just exhaled and felt relief with this explanation. I've been incredibly confused by my partner's behavior and this cycle. Though I am not one to diagnose, I can say this aligns strongly with his behavior. We've had many discussions about what I call his Jeykll/Hyde personality. Thank you for this, I feel less crazy now. I started researching last year because I kept wondering if it was me and trying to work on myself. (Ha, you just confirmed this while I was typing during your talk). He raged the day before, apologized the next, and then last night blamed me. So I have been up all night binging your videos & feeling lost and just as I went to try and lay down I get a notification about this one. THANK YOU, I so appreciate the knowledge you share & the timing of this was amazing! 💜🙏
The thing that most victims of narcissism have is a kind loving heart, for me love is the strongest feeling I know, narcs don't have that love (strength) in their heart. To recover you need to exercise that love for yourself, you not only deserve better but absolutely owe it to yourself to cut this insane irrational person out of your life. Good luck.
Support from friends / family helps, or a new start / distance to put between but don't spend too long trying to figure it out, their behaviour is way beyond rationalizing, they will create the same insanity in you they suffer, if you allow it.
@@HeLpLOstGOdAny1 it's been 7 years. I'm long since distanced from family & friends and our home is in a rural area. I've been exhausted trying to make sense of it for so long. I'm just working on focusing on myself now, it's the only place I have to start. If I can get my mental & physical health better and work again, I can eventually leave. I've been experiencing fatigue spells for years and haven't been able to work. Now I wonder if it's from being so stressed out from walking on eggshells. I slept better the past couple nights and had no insomnia, which I've had almost the entire time with him. Something about this video clicked with me vs everything else I watched, and I've felt like I found an answer and don't have to keep blaming myself all the time.
@@BellaRigelOrion Yes Richard's speech easy to resonate with on topics of this ilk.
Vulnerable narcissists act like spoilt wounded toddlers, almost zero maturity emotionally, very dangerous if they have too many of the 9 traits such as Chris Watts.
Yes = walking on eggshells, their favourite go to. Counter it with as much grey rock as possible. Do not mirror, this gives them supply also, just as you giving sympathy, / empathy, this is fatiguing you.
Focus on as much on self love self care, however, with such close proximity he may become aware you are up to too much, so may start to really turn up the gas-lighting. They snoop every detail, scrutinizing every / extremely hypercritical & hypocritical but cannot handle any criticism due to paranoia / shame.
If you manage to criticize in any way and they do not respond it is not the end of it, they store it up as bitter / toxic resentment, they have no idea how to put things down / let them go. And to us this seems utterly bizarre. This is where the danger zone will be. So get in touch with your inner child, try to enjoy simple things, but do not neglect, quiet moments, a plan of escape; get away.
You need to find some support, otherwise the isolation will make life very hard for you to break the cycle.
May you find that inner strength you need.
@@HeLpLOstGOdAny1 I didn't realize being sympathetic was draining for me, that's a reflex that'll take time to work on. Thank you for that advice! He is cold and unsympathetic, but wasn't like that our first year together. Spoiled child is accurate, I never know what'll trigger him yelling and going off. He does it daily and it can be the slightest thing. Inability to handle constructive criticism is also strong with him, where as I learned how to listen to it in my years of critiques in art college from professors and peers. I've noticed it even when he plays video games. He'll just keep doing something the wrong way that'll kill him, then rage and blame the game. He doesn't try to learn to get better or practice things. Is that common for narcs? He's intelligent so I find it odd the level of stubborness and unwillingness to learn through failure.
Exactly what happened to me. Started looking. Sooooo much info. Penny dropped next i was.
Omg, I didn't even realise that the whole, "I would be famous/rich if it wasn't for them" thing was even a narcissistic trait. 🤯
Got broken up with by a covert narc a year ago, she told me it was because I was emotionally absent, emotionally abusive, and a gaslighter. Blamed me for the b/u. I was emotionally wounded and scarred, depressed, blamed myself for everything wrong in the relationship, shamed, and basically barely hanging on for a year, a shell of my former self. 2 days ago I find out she had been screwing another dude and integrating with his family for months before breaking up with me. Mere days after the b/u she posted pics of her and the new guy all smiles, kisses, and I love yous. No sign she had just come out of a relationship at all.
Covert narcs will blame you, watch you wallow in guilt and shame, and not give a damn. They are poison and leave as much of a trail of destruction as an overt. If not more.
"If it weren't for all those damned Narcissists, I could've been a Doctor, or a Movie Star, or in an Arena Metal Band !"
I can imagine a few said that about Weinstein, and thus definitely NOT covert narcs.
Your Gremlins and heroin addict analogies are absolutely brilliant!
I know it’s different than what is usually discussed in terms of relationships discussed in this area, but my mother has been married to a grandiose narcissist for decades (a truly ugly human being, not a single one of my mums friends likes him) and I’m coming around to the fact that she is more than likely a fragile narcissist.
I used to have calls with her every Sunday, we live in separate areas, but stopped it when a good friend noticed my mood changed dramatically to sullen, in anticipation of the self interested and dismissive, sometimes insulting calls I had with her. My brother feels the same. I tested her once, and yes, I do feel guilty, I thought I was a good loving son, but had to because of the outright confusion that was always at the heart of any interaction with her. And rage on my part that she wouldn’t listen.
She had made some very weak excuse about something and being at a point that I didn’t much gaf what she thought, sarcastically offered her an out. A better lie to the weak excuse she had offered. The next sentence from her was her shamelessly using that lie directly at me, in all seriousness, as if I had said nothing at all. I was stunned, that’s what broke the camels back for me.
My brother deals with it better than myself, he virtually cut her out of his life. I on the other hand haven’t been able to do that so I keep her at arms length and don’t interact for very long at all and don’t share anything intimate to myself, with her. I find it incredibly hard to just not be in touch, very guilty, shame even, but there is a visible positive difference in myself when I’m not in contact. Doesn’t stop me from feeling the guilt though.
She created a narrative that she was beaten, abused and treated badly, by my dad before she left when we were young. There is truth in there, I do know that, I just don’t know where it is.
As it turned out, I don’t trust a single thing she’s ever said anymore, she’s hidden herself this entire time. She left us to be with her then boyfriend. The created narrative was to deify herself to her two sons and assuage any guilt for herself so she could live her life. My dad was always silent about it all, so knowing the truth is almost impossible, but things that were said and done by her when thought about just don’t make logical sense. She is intensely selfish.
As an early teen I asked her why she didn’t take my brother and I with her when she ran from my ‘abusive’ father? She said, and I quote “If it was just your brother, I would have.” I told my brother recently and this astonished him, made him very angry. I was about thirteen, and it confused tf out of me, and I was a mess back then anyway. How can a mother say something like that to a young son in such a blasé manner? 🤷🏽♂️
I never witnessed any physical abuse but I was young. Psychological? Yes, certainly, he was a drunk and a womaniser.
My very long point that I’m guessing no one will get because this comment will just be farted into the comment ether, is that I came here, to Richard’s channel after watching sooo many of his very well reasoned videos because I thought I was the problem. Thought I was the fragile narcissist, or flat out narcissist. This has gone on for decades, I’m nearly fifty and am done with her shit, whether she’s a fragile narcissist or just a c u next Tuesday, I dgaf anymore, and my life has bloomed in the positive because of that. Thank you to Richard for pointing out that if you ask questions of yourself, that probably means that you’re not one of ‘them’. I hope 🤔😂
Fantastic channel this, mate. Great content, and ta very much 👍🏼
I’ve been listening to you since November 2017, and the more I listen, the more I realize how spot on you are with your explanation of covert narcissism. You bring to light so many details, which, when put together, paint the ugly reality of this subject. Thank you so much for what you do! Please don’t ever think you’re not helping. You have done a tremendous work, and have brought me to what I feel is near total healing.
A shamed just meens living with others inside them. Cause nope realy don't care what liers say.
Wow, another perfect explaination for me. This is precisely what I just dealt with with my ex. No wonder I was so confused! The cycling was baffling. Thank you for this video.
You just described me when I drink to self medicate...then full of fear and hanganxiety the next day upon seeing the trail of carnage I've left in my drunken rage ..
Alcohol can bring out a narcissist in the best of people...
It's all true, at the divorce he finally openly show his dark side. I was secretly followed, he tryes to make all worse on each step. Its heartbreaking when you realize, that you loved only a mask, so perfectly wearing all long years...Now Im free, almost no contact, but I'll be healing a long time...
I had the same experience. I knew he was harmful to me, but I did not see just how depraved he is until after we separated and my head cleared, as he dropped the mask completely. It was utterly devastating.
That was the best description of what I have experienced with my ex husband....six and a half hellish confusing years. I now understand all the self-doubt that has plagued me. Thank you.
That totally fits. I got so crazed by the end that my own behavior became the focus, and I was flipping out in ways I have not seen myself get anywhere near before. Never any reaction. So I was the problem, it seemed. And he didn't notice, walked around like Mr.Teflon.
I began to believe that I was the narcissist.
Wow! Richard I don’t know how I missed this video since I’ve been watching numerous ones of yours for about 3 mos now.
THIS is the ONE! Yes, yes, yes and more yes. Every point you made.
I was (still am) confused by His behavior. I was (still am a little) feeling sorry for Him because of his treatment as a child (adopted @2yo/He sees abandoned (never wanted to track down birth parents) - adoptive mother = narcissist/always held her natural born daughter up as perfect over Him - molested at young age/nobody protected Him - ex wife/horrible divorce/custody (now I know He probably had bigger part than He lets on) - several girlfriends that were psycho/cheaters (His stories)
Alcoholic/addict was 2 yrs recovery when I met Him.
For years I said it felt like I had a ping pong game going on in my head. He’d be This, then He’d be That. Then He’d say This then contradict Himself and say the That. (Covering His bases so He’d Never be Wrong?)
Thank You, Richard, for All you do and cover on your channel!
This explains it so perfectly. Thank you thank you thank you!!!! Five years of confusion just ended. What's funny is that the first time I explained a situation to my therapist, within one minute, she said, "he sounds like a covert narcissist.". I had never heard of that before and since I've watched countless videos on the topic and this is the one that gave me the most clarity. 11:18 really hit home even more. My God!! Okay, this is the most underrated video. This video should have waaaaay more views. Richard, you are like a lifeline for me right now..thank you!
I call it the "bait-n-switch". My mother taught me how & why I got stuck with a man JUST LIKE HER! They ganged up on me for about 10 yrs & I'm only slightly surprised they didn't run off together except they hated each other but couldn't stop feeding off each other. My zero contact is the only thing that fixed my problems. Eventually they told each other to f**k off cuz they lost their joint scapegoat. Being alone is true bliss! They nearly killed me. My 3 kids went zero contact with them as well. I'm one of the lucky ones! 🙏 Gratitude for Richards commitment to helping me stay sane!
And thank you for the Gremlin analogy ! 😂👾 Needed a good laugh after my OMG following your “..dealing with the Grandiose is a walk in the Park compared to the Covert N..” comment...
Thanks a mill man
Totally confusing characteristics 100%
But i managed to finally get my answers and you surely helped the most 👍
He certainly could’ve been very aware of his decisions , on the top of the world ….. and a day later - hiding, moody, going back on everything he planned
With help of others around him - im more than positive they played on his behalf!!!! ( is that even possible during his down mood period ? ) 🤔
Crazy personality
Totally fucked up
Therefore extremely confusing
Thanks 👌
Ps - the other type ( even though i never heard their professional clinical term name ) - so easy to spot. And as an adult and also an empath their personality would’ve driven me crazy straight away
Too loud
Too fake
Too full of themselves
Etc ….. - ive seen them already ( NO NO THANKS )
But Covert …… - shit me not !! 🙄😵💫😳🤬🤯
This sound like Borden-Line personality🤔 Switching between Hitler and small little fragile girl👌
This is equally funny and informative 😂
They can be and usually are comorbid
@@Thedemonseedsower Not usually. They have similarities - the effort to garner sympathy being the main one. Though covert narcissists still have the chronic validation/attention seeking that borderlines don't, borderlines consistently have the "woe is me" attitudes, CN flip flop depending on what suits them.
@@gl4285 Thankyou for your reply. My borderline ex definitely had a chronic validation/attention seeking addiction (predominantly male attention) but also the persistent woe is me, and nihilistic attitudes.
They aren’t always doing it on purpose. And bördenline?
@@Mijn24 There were! They very calculative to use people to their advantage and manipulate them or situation to get narrcistic supply. Borden-Line are very volatile but they come form the same spectrum of Narrcisist and Psychopaths so they will be drama manipulations to feed their own needs. Drink people blood like a vampire 😜
Thank you for the clarification. I bought your book 'A Cult of One' a week ago. There is much to digest,: actually overwhelming at times, but accessible to the layman.
This. Soooo this. The thing that has taken me a lifetime with a Covert Narcissistic mother to realize is that all the tears and regret and "I'm sorrys" don't actually inspire them to make any changes. It's also taken me all this time to realize (with many tries and reverting back) that the only TRUE solution is NO CONTACT. Legit no contact. Which feels brutal when it's your family. But on the other side I have so much mental energy now to actually focus on my own life! Amazing. Thanks as always for these videos Richard!
The term that came to me when I finally realised that something was not quite right was closet Narc. I didn't know this type of person existed because growing up as a scapegoat I was careful to avoid key traits of Nacisism.
I just wished I had access to this information at least 20 years ago. It would have saved me a lot of pain.
Thank you Richard. Spot on! I was starting to wonder if i am loosing my mind, but no it's not my who is crazy it is the other person. thanx for showing me my sanity.
Irene Steenhagen,You look cute,Hope you are not with a narcissist...
I came to your videos 2 weeks ago, I'm so shocked 😢, so broken. I never heard this term before. I was so confused with my ex boyfriend. He is exactly this way. I spent 7 years... this is so hard. 😔
I wasn't so much convinced it was me. My covert narcissist engineered the response of others to try to convince me I was terrible. He would even give them money and other help. Triangulation. It feels so crazy that I have indeed acted crazy in trying to convince others that he really did this.
Very clearly explained, well done that man!
I always think of the grandiose narcissist as a Trump/ Johnson type of swaggering un- self aware monomaniac and the fragile narcissist as being a wretched, constantly self serving and shifting Gollum type character, forever trapped in their pathetic craving for adoration that they (I would suggest) know on some level they can never have.
On account of them being mean, twisted, stunted creatures who eventually drive away anyone who tries to help them.
This definition really helped me to understand "covert" much better. Every argument is my fault. He is not responsible for any of the hurts he causes me. I recently made him apologize by telling him word for word what to say. And making him repeat it back to like I was talking to a child. It wasn't real but it really made me see how difficult it is for him.
Yes, like a disociate personality disorder.
Fragmented.
And to deal with him I was costricted to switch too.
I was totally in cognitive dissonance.
Just hot and cold...total confusion.
Can't understand which one is real.
Yes they are living in a fantasy world.
Had also a persecution fear.They are really damaged people.
Wow, the point about them never asking those introspective questions..." Is it me? Could I be causing problems? Could I fix this?" Is huge!
I need to focus in, yes this is GOLD.
A big sign here, they don't question themselves, they have no true humility...
They are actors at life.
Yes, this is a hallmark sign.
OMG, this is so true! I never knew which version of him I was going to get that day, the shy humble puppy dog, or the pompous full of himself a***hole
Ahhhh I like listening to you. I like the way you speak and the right terms you use. It brings me peace. And I'm practicing english at the same time. Perfect.
13:14 This!! They never read up on self development/improvement for themselves (to use against others sure, but not to apply themselves). That was one of the things that confused me about them.
Interesting, I figured that out last year and it’s nice to get the validation. I had a roommate who , after I got her a job, became confusing. After thinking a lot about it , it became clear that confusing behavior was a red flag . When something does not make reasonable sense narcissistic behavior is afoot.
How does one deal with a mother who is a "covert" N. or however you referred that group of symptoms? Young kids can't get away, teens fight. Is it possible the N. throws the shame back in the kids direction as they appear to be in need of being taken care of?
A couple more things that I can point out. 1. They have a history of being the one who leaves a relationship or discarding their former partners. 2. They refuse to post pictures of current partners on social media. 3. They don't have many close friends. 4. Their cellphone is their most prized possession. 5. They gaslight you whenever they are caught doing something that is unacceptable by your standards. 6. They have the ability to tell you they love you every single day but can switch it off immediately once they are ready to discard you and most of the time you don't see it coming. 7. They feel "invisible" to their family. These are some of the things that I experienced, not all though. Richard I've been watching your videos for a while now and it really helps people like me to validate what we experienced and confirms that we've been emotionally manipulated and abused. The problem i see now is, will I ever be able to trust someone again? Will I become a detective to try and find any sense of NPD in my next potential partner, which might make me seem odd for asking so many deep questions. I think for most people who have experienced a covert narc before, the thing we try to do now is early detection in order to avoid another situation where we were con'd.
I just separated from a covert narcissist.. We were married for 10 years😳 I thought I was going crazy the first 5 years until I started to find these videos... HE was a covert 90% of the time but he was also overt... It was intense...
I got out of a 4 year relationship with my gremlin ex and couldn’t be happier. It’s sure nice to come home and not be stressed out. Literally anything could trigger an argument above and beyond comprehension. Don’t miss it one bit. Glad you’re out.
Where can I go for help??? I am a covert narcissist, I'm sure of it, but I don't want to be. I want to have healthy relationships with people. It's extremely worrying to think that this disorder is incurable and I will carry on for my whole life making others unhappy, and being unhappy. It also seems far too simplistic to think that a narcissist isn't self-aware of their disorder!