The Costs of Idealizing Motherhood | Julie de Azevedo-Hanks | TEDxOgden
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- Опубликовано: 21 июл 2019
- In her 25 years as a therapist, Hanks has long noticed that most women express feelings of guilt, shame, conflict and inadequacy when talking about motherhood. In her own life, she’s noticed that no matter how she’s tried combine family, professional, and creative pursuits, powerful external messages have threatened to undermine her confidence as a mother. Hanks has spent her life asking and researching questions about women, gender roles and family life. It has become clear to Hanks that our idealized views of motherhood isolate women and fail to support them in the actual work of mothering. In this talk, Hanks promotes the idea that motherhood is a unique human relationship to which every mother should proudly bring her own individual strengths and preferences. Julie de Azevedo Hanks, PhD, LCSW is a licensed clinical social worker and psychotherapist specializing in women’s emotional health and relationships. Dr. Hanks is the founder and director of Wasatch Family Therapy, author of The Burnout Cure and The Assertiveness Guide for Women, a blogger, a local and national media contributor, a blogger, a coach, a private practice consultant, and an award-winning performing songwriter. A native Californian, Hanks currently lives in Utah with her husband. They are the parents of 4 children. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx
“Let women be individuals, not roles” so so true.
In a Disney movie that makes sense. Not real life
@@seds94 Not everyone
men and women have to be parents etc. This is not ideal for everyone.
Having children is not like in Disney movies it's hard.
Apparently that society knows my dad. He told me that it's my duty, as a man, to get married & have kids. The only problem is that he can't control my life.
Lol childfree is for me too
Yes 👏🏾
Sorry, your dad is right. He sounds like a smart and decent man.
@@99SigP How do you think a person who doesn't want kids might treat them if he/she was pressured to have them?
@@dearrationals that's a fair question. I think it's really going to depend a lot on the person and their situation. I think that if they have a child and intend to keep it, rather than put it up for adoption (even though they felt pressured to have kids), more often than not they will love that child. I think it's pretty typical human nature to form a bond with, and love and care for your child. That's why it's always such a sad thing when parents don't love their children or neglect them.
Although mine are grown and flown, it remains important for me to hear this. Cultural expectations of and domination of women requires pushback.
Women should be treated as equal to men NOT DOMINANT. Women who want domination over men are one of the two causes of the boy crisis in this and other countries. The other cause of course being the “alpha male”.
I think it’s important to add that this idealization of mothers also greatly contributes to the trauma that a very specific group of ppl experiences. People who have a malignant mother, a mother that doesn’t love, a mother that lies and manipulates, seemingly wonderful to the outside world, but horrible inside her home and to her children, are more often than not, completely alone. They aren’t believed by ppl when they do try to tell their stories, because of this idealization of mothers on the whole. They are invalidated, and no attention is given to the lasting effects of a mother like this. Told as children, from every angle, that your mother loves you, and no one but mom understands you, and a mothers love is the greatest love, tells children with horrible mothers that THIS is what love is, how ppl should love, and that this is the behavior you should accept as love... simply because this is how THEIR mothers act, and MOTHERS ARE THE BEST. Idealization of mothers damages children that DO NOT have a mother that loves even a little bit, and contributes to society not believing that child.
Great job
👍
I mean…there is truth to the statement that a mother’s love is extremely profound. I thought I loved my niece with all my heart until I had my own children and felt a love that was a hundred times stronger. Perhaps only more nuance is needed. The love that one feels inwardly is one meaning of the word “love” and the behavior that people use to attempt to express that love is another meaning altogether. I think of we go too far in trying not to idealize motherhood, we may end up dismissing its importance, which has already happened to fatherhood. It’s a simple concept that most people should be able to grasp: all parents are human and are incapable of expressing love perfectly. Realize that and you won’t feel so crushed by reality.
Great talk Julie! I love the revisioning of motherhood as a relationship rather than a role.
I relate so much to what you're saying! Narrow expectations lead to narrow outcomes - and suffocated human beings. While I adore being a mom, the idea that the role uses or fulfills all of my God-given gifts is laughable. My children are proud of my accomplishments and achievements outside the home, and I am excited to see what my son AND daughter go and do in their lives, how they carve out their unique impacts on this world as they explore their God-given gifts. I applaud women who stay home with their kids, I applaud women who don't. My motto is "Rock Your Role"
Omg finally someone who speaks up and talks about this!!!! I always felt this way in my evangelical church growing up. I’m glad I’m not the only one who felt this. I finally accepted that motherhood is not the only way… and whether or not I decided to have kids, it doesn’t determine my value. Also for the ladies who can’t have kids…. I’m sorry for the pressure’s the church has put on you to be a mom. I’m sorry if you ever felt broken or invalidated as a woman. You are a woman. A strong and valuable woman! 😇
I recommend you the work of the sociologist called Orna Donath. Her work is focused on this subject. I highly recommend it!
Thank you
Amazing! Thank you! I chose to be childfree because I didn't want any part of the ideal. I grew up in the 90s and was in my 20s in the '00s, and there were trending terms "supermom" and "helicopter mom", this ideal that if you were a mom you were only a mom, and anything you did for yourself, as simple as buy new clothes and look nice, were considered selfish. I heard stories of moms not even eating or sleeping because it was selfish. Moms had to have a certain look that in my opinion made them completely lose their identity- carrying childlike diaper bags with characters on them, instead of their own style, khaki capris, and short easy managed haircuts, rather than how they really want to look because self care was selfish. Instead of just letting kids play outside and having them do chores, all play had to be overly structured and magical, leaving the moms to not only clean up after the household but entertain and engineer. I saw moms trying to outdo each other rather than support each other, and so much pressure was built on moms that did have to or want to work. What happened to kids being a part of life and not the whole life? What happened to community?
The thing about the look is that it is easiest not bc society rather it.
@@candyluna2929 And why do you only do what's easiest? Because society told you that you can't spend time or money on yourself. Why not take the few minutes to actually style your hair, or wear clothes that look good on you? I am glad the clothes are starting to look better at least.
@@catgirl6803 you do what’s easiest because you’re tired, not because you think self care is selfish. Where do you get these ideas? Maybe moms don’t care as much about their appearance as they did before because they’ve discovered a profound joy in having children. It’s so funny how you feel that a woman’s appearance hurts society more than convincing other women that they should avoid having children.
It’s also interesting how you believe that being child free is the only solution to the problem instead of having children and then taking care of yourself as you claim other women should do.
At least those mothers care about not being selfish. If there’s any direction I’d rather go in, albeit imperfectly, it’s that one.
@@kellherman Not having children is a valid option. Having children as well as looking after yourself is also a valid option. Having children but losing yourself and harming yourself in the process is not a good thing. A woman does not have to sacrifice her dreams, goals and happiness just because of what society thinks a woman's ultimate goal is. There are MANY women who sacrifice so much for their children, yet still aren't appreciated. Where is all this pressure on males? They get praised for the bare minimum.
Yeah I'm sure you "chose" to be child free 😂
What a beautiful message. I feel like we humans are getting better and better at helping each other to live meaningful, productive lives, and most of that credit goes to behavioral scientists like Julie, who are willing to share their findings with the world. Thank you!!
Thank you.
It shouldn’t be idealized but respected, like she said it’s not really a role it’s a relationship. Motherhood or fatherhood can bring you happiness but it’s not needed to be happy.
May be one of the best tedtalks of heard.
Me and so many other moms need this message. Profound statements on the realities for so many moms and expectations many of us have to deal with. She’s a very wise woman ❤️
You're amazing
YES, YES, YES.
Standing ovation. I only wish I could have heard this message as a young LDS woman!
Chelsea Watts I totally agree! I am definitely teaching my daughter this!
And if you're still in the LDS cult.....LEAVE!!! For the sake of your children.
Absolutely LOVED it! Thank you!
It's so crazy this still had to be said, even in 2019.
“Whole-hearted listening is the greatest spiritual gift you can give to another person.” - Harriet Lerner. Moms: we hear you, we see you, we thank you for all you are! You ARE enough. ❤️
I watched this talk with a little hope that it would lift me up a bit from this quarantine remote work + homeschooling chaotic life but I realized that I expected too much..
Home schooling is the way all children should be taught. It’s the form of education that we humans where made for. Only the Child’s own Parents are the ones that can know their own children’s learning habits, what teaching methods work for their kids and how much time their children need out of each day. And as far as the quarantine goes, that’s unconstitutional as well as inhumane. You as a human being should fighting against it and not following it. Please don’t take this comment personally. I know when you are staring at just print as opposed to talking face to face that it can be hard to tell what the emotion and motivation is behind the comment.
@@richardcarte139 The world is way too advanced for mothers to teach their kids at home and will put even more pressure on them. Your asking moms to know history, advanced math, science, and technology. It may work for little kids as they learn basic reading and numbers, but what about high school level where they should be learning about technology, code, robotics, chemistry, algebra, etc.
The good thing is this huge event in our lives is forcing change.
I AM an Electrical Engineer, Licensed Pilot AND Singer Thanks to my Boundary Boss MOM who was the BEST Progressive Role-Model and my gender-indifferent Progressive FATHER who treated me AND my brothers The SAME! BOOM: Great Parents = Great Leaders!
It doesnt work
@@seds94 Elaborate?
@@sallylara1102a “boundary boss” mom is a mom that views their kids basically as tools to exercise their power. They view motherhood as a way to tell their children that the only one true path is their ways of viewing the world. Statistically speaking kids who are reared like that turn out one of four ways, either they become depressed, angry, resentful thirds their Parents or they become robots who blindly follow authority no matter what any form of authority does or says even if what the authority is doing is inhumane or unconstitutional. They are the type of Parents who want to tell their Children how to live instead of allowing their children to find their own beliefs/paths of life or in other words to become their own person with their own beliefs and learn from their own mistakes using their own strengths and overcoming their own weaknesses in their own way and their own time. That’s how it doesn’t work.
You can only speak for yourself. Your experience does not represent the experience of all people who came from parents like this.
Thank you for sharing 🙏🏻 I don’t have kids yet….. but idealizing motherhood doesn’t feel right. I’m sure is great but justifying your existence by motherhood, doesn’t sit well with me. If I’m ever blessed to be a mother, I hope to be a Boundary Boss Mom as yours ❤️
love you mum x
I wish I'd have seen this years ago. I love this message so much!
interesting talk
great speach... thank you for this talk, Julie :)
I love her voice
Wonderful talk!
She passed up the early pioneer women who were the first female Dr's in the west. Plenty of women in the past showed her examples, but if you don't look you'll never know.
This video should have 7 billion views!
amen
I want to find the words to your *Waiting song*. I love that song when I heard it 1980......still waiting but, that is another story....lol
Yessss
I needed to hear this. Thank you
That’s fantastic that she feels this way and that she shares her ideas. I wish I heard her when I was growing up being told the same things she was told. But the church she continues to support vocally and financially does not agree with her.
She's fruad 😂😊
This was an amazing Ted talk!
good energy in this speech
wow, this is so true..
My parents never asked me if I wanted to be here. I am here. We all are kind of like a god, we can choose to have kids or not and when we do, we are like a god. We bring life to the world without the child ever saying yes or no to come to this world. So sad.
That was a great talk :)
vamosssssssssssssss
@@marcovujovich3916 no
The music is waaaaaaay out of proportion with the speaker and the topic. It would have been a good thing for Professor (Associate or Tenured?), to have just stood on the stage once she completed her talk, and let everyone (including her), savor the volume in the audience's response. 👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽This is a needed modern subject. I hope she is invited to share it with many more audiences!
Hi everyone! Welcome to Contemplating Parenthood.
This is a story telling channel that shares the true life stories of moms and dads around the world about their experiences on parenthood.
The aim of this channel is to give awareness on the real life of parenthood to help you contemplate about it and be prepared.
good talk
interesting
So progressive for a Mormon. Without a doubt this will make her a pariah to some members of her faith, such is the fate of people ahead of their time.
So great that we can now forget what's important for children. So liberating! Great job Julie! 👏 Always focusing about what's best for oneself is the best way to make a wonderful caring family and society.
The cost of idolizing the working women is shame that those working women put upon stay at home moms… “your just a stay at home mom?” The respect asked for the working mom should be respected towards the stay at home mom
There is NO right way to be a mother? I think a better message would be that there are MANY right ways to be a mother.
No there isn't actually.
The needs of kids have never changed and will never change.
The needs of kids just depends on the individual kids and their life and home situation.
And also they have new needs because of the internet and emerging technology
Well when I was a kid all we needed to be happy (other than our actual needs) was to ride bikes with our friends, explore outside, cartoons on saturday mornings, and pizza parties. now parents think kids need travel league soccer, scheduled arts and crafts time, reading before kindergarten, and birthday parties with bounce houses and perfect cupcakes. Parents have added way too much work on their plate because of this ideal.
@@catgirl6803 omg the cupcakes I cant stand it lmao
@@catgirl6803 true. Wants don't equal needs. They just spoil the kids.
can we acknowledge that there are wrong ways to be a mother or that some actions are better than others? That the best outcomes for children come from a two parent household? I agree there is an idealization of motherhood, and marriage for that matter, but on the other end of the spectrum there is a vocal cultural disdain for both. Honestly, I see more of that.
Most messed up kids are from 2 parent households
@@makeitcount2985 that is verifiably inaccurate but ok, you do you.
@@HinFam actually Ive verified the fact based on the people that I know... Parents married and all of their childhoods bar 3 were toxic and miserable 👰I guess that must mean that marriage isn't a sign that you will raise healthy kids who knew
@@makeitcount2985I'm sorry, you're basing that statement on one family? Or just the people you know? That totally disapproves decades of research and statistics. I'll let the professionals know immediately, that changes everything.
Seriously though a marriage isn't a guarantee of healthy functional kids just like a "broken home" isn't a guarantee that kids won't turn out alright but the data is absolutely clear that kids are at greater risk in just about every metric when they are not raised with a married father and mother.
Not only does your first statement deny that risk it also suggests the risk is applied in direct opposition to reality.
@@HinFam actually Megan I base this on what I have observed over a few generations... In My parents friends, my friends and my brothers friends. A wide range of people all different... People I've met socially too.... Most of the people that suffered trauma that I know had married parents... And the trauma was severe
oh, Julie. You are so mistaken.
Ego
BARK BARK
Dangerous doctrine
She is John Dehlin light…. Gateway drug to anti Mormonism …. Truth mingled wjth doubt. She does a good job as a social media influencer pitching essential oils, handbags and all kids of crafty items though
How could you say these things? Julie has amazing talent, and insight to share
@@China-Clay in deed she does have great talent and a lot to say. She is also a gateway to leave faith behind.
Pay attention to the audience she’s playing to: they whoop and clap not at being a mother, musician, graduate, therapist/businesswoman, or author, but a college professor. The worship of academia is a growing danger
Get outta here with that nonsense, grandpa
She is NOT AN ACTIVE MEMBER .. that would be a LIE
Yes she is and her husband is a bishop.
God gave the woman that role. Take it up with Him. The feminine is a divine trait and motherhood the highest calling for a woman. It is the ultimate female ideal-no career comes close to creating and nurturing life. Not one bit.
When it's about my life, I will only follow what I want to do. If I suffer here with kids, is God going to help me? Is God going to babysit my kids? Is God going to pay for that? Is God going to wake up at night? Is God going to give birth? No? So, let me decide if I want to do it. Thanks
Of course any achivment is better then motherhood for women that don't want to have children. We all define happines differently.
then god needs to pay me some cash.
Nah, imma ty my tubes and live for me instead
Turned out God agrees with me that it should be my choice and my choice only to be a mom or not. Not His choice, not society’s choice, My choice. and that’s an awesome thing to realize.
Look at how much better things were when gender roles were honored. Since the degradation of traditional gender roles, society has fell on it's face.
Would you mind clarifying this comment? Do you mean to say society was better 50-100 years ago?
@Brittany Lund no ofc hes a man making that comment...🙂
Notice how she isn't wearing her garments.
Is that any of your business, Jack?
So, you have x-ray vision AND a fake name?
Ok whatever :T
I would hate my husband to check other women's garments.
Wth is this comment lmao u sick.
Biology. Don't forget
@Nikki E. Take it up with the big guy. I didnt make the rules
BARK BARK BARK
Biology includes having a brain and use it to make decision according to your beliefs, environment and context. If you use biology as an argument, use it fully.
Artificial wombs. Cope