Addicted to Trauma Bonding? WATCH TO THE END! (with Stephanie Carinia, Trauma Expert)
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- Опубликовано: 16 окт 2024
- Definition of trauma bonding: Extreme, unidirectional attachment fostered by traumatizing, unpredictable intermittent reinforcement involving a power asymmetry (learning theory and behaviorism).
People confuse intensity with truth and attention with love: they dread loneliness
Trauma coercive bonding: isolation, real or perceived inability to escape
Betrayal trauma (Carnes) and betrayal trauma blindness (Jennifer Freyd et
al.) in BTT (Betrayal Trauma Theory): When you cannot or are not allowed to express your experience of trauma and abuse, breach of trust, disempowerment, negative emotions, and profound betrayal by someone you depend on in any crucial way. Such denial and repression lead to dissociation and a host of long-term mental health disorders.
Attempts to resolve the cognitive dissonance by rationalizing, justifying, minimizing, dissociation (state-dependent memory), malignant optimism (false hope), and autoplastic defenses (self-blaming).
Actually, it is a fantasy defense involving retraumatization during dual mothership phase: unresolved early childhood conflicts, resonance of pain and angst.
Abuser assumes maternal role and provides access to idealized image through his gaze (unconditional love leads to self-love). The victim introjects this gaze.
Then abuser becomes dead mother. Difficult to give up on mother and on one's idealized self, second childhood, second chance to get it right:
righting wrongs, resolving conflicts, unconditional love, being seen as flawless object.
Trauma bonding is often a collaborative form of self-mutilation or self-harm, replete with the same three functions:
1. To numb dysregulated emotions that threaten to overwhelm us; 2. To allow us to feel alive through pain; 3. To punish, defeat, and destroy ourselves.
People remain in abusive relationships because they lack self-confidence, their self-esteem is shot, not least by their "loving, intimate" "partner", and because they are unable to regulate their sense of self-worth.
There are five common fallacies:
HE DEFINES WHO I AM (HE MADE ME)
I AM LUCKY
I am worthless, damaged goods. I am lucky to have found even my abuser. If I leave the relationship, who else would want me and where will I find another partner?
THE BEST OF ALL WORLDS
Life is harsh and it doesn't get much better than this. The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, but that is merely as an optical illusion. This is as good as it gets.
MY PARTNER IS NOT WORSE THAN OTHERS
Every other partner I may find will have flaws and quirks that I will have to get used to and accommodate all over again. Better stick with what I know. No one guarantees that my next partner will not be even worse than this.
HAPPINESS? BAH!
Life is a serious business. It is not about the selfish pursuit of elusive "happiness". It is about meeting your obligations and getting on with it. At best one can expect companionship and mutual support in old age. Anything more than that is self-defeating and destructive wishful thinking.
Stephanie Carinia's Website: www.psychologi... Instagram / psychologiststephanie
Find and Buy MOST of my BOOKS and eBOOKS in my Amazon Store: www.amazon.com...
Yes, loosing the fantasy is loosing everything, but it is a great oportunity to rebuild yourself from the scratch, to get real, to love reality and give up on fantasy.
I tried to leave multiple times over 32 years. I was bullied and threatened, told, “you could never be without me “, “you could never be on your own”, “ no one will ever love you like me”…he passed away 10 months ago now, and I’m doing great! So much for his stupid antidotes
the only guilt and shame I feel is to not walk away as soon as my instincts told me to leave. The grief that Sam discusses is so true
same. stayed for 5 years against gut instinct :( regret it alot by now
Same with me…it is moving in right direction, but took minimum of 8 years of waste time to try to connect, explain… only people who go through this can understand 😢
Same here 💔
He is right 100%. Love addiction and everything Prof. Sam Vaknin is saying is the truth! I've worked with love and sex addicts. The addiction is everything he says plus the personality disorders and the trauma bonding. This man is a truth vehicle. He's so valuable at this time.
Now I understand...it is my fear of loneliness attitude has kept me in a highly abusive relationship...I have just walked away and gone no contact...but the normal lovely guys are boring when you have been through so much danger and drama...thank you for everything x
Yes I can relate
Amen.. wish In would of picked the boring girl 17 years earlier
Same here. Normal, non-abusive girls are so boring. But I look for excitement in my life elsewhere, not in relationships now
Exactly! I love the way you think. Let's buy a house together. You're absolutely perfect in every way! I love you so much!!! 💗🤣🤣🤣
You still addicted to the trauma bond!
Mine told me the reason I kept coming back to him was because I was afraid to be alone. When he said that, everything clicked into place & I was finally able to leave for good. Interesting it took my abuser telling me what the core of my issue is in order for me to see it.
This is a poem I wrote wanted to share. Be strong!
When we are in the moment
That’s where infinity is
It’s legendary
So don’t go believing
Things unnecessary
I’ll tell you a story
Someone painted me blue
And I let them, too
Laboring long
The woman within you
Waits
Waits for the date
You decide
It’s not too late
To save your fate
One woman falls onto him
Then there’s a cascade
More fall prey
To the mistakes she made
The mother of this
Low grade
Masquerade
This is the moment
The moment of decision
No revision
That each moment hereafter
You will avoid this walking disaster
❤
First poem I like that is so full of intriguing information and very clear. Super!! Your poem is uniquely helpful!
Im so tired of these toxic relationships....
Never be afraid to be alone❤build strong support group outside of relationship
I've contemplated using drugs, alcohol, and any other illicit products to numb the pain, Including promiscuity, but I've abstained thus far. I know it's said the abused is mostly women, and this maybe true, but I'm a man, and the same applies. The trauma bonding is not being with her any longer since she discarded me; but being without her is the torture, ruminating constantly about the few good times, and the thought that it could get better, but it never did!
U r worthy of better. U know it. Try to believe it. Once u do.. u will make better choices and ur life will
Flourish. Be strong.
@@evka24 Thank you, I'm trying!
Right with you brother.. 17 yrs. She left and broke me only to hoover me and lift me up only to break me down again with false hope. I felt and still feel very invisible. No energy to even talk to friends
Stay Strong! ❤
I could listen to covert borderline videos all day. Absolutely spot on and fascinating and available nowhere else on the internet
I was treated with contempt 24/7 so no trauma bonding. I knew where I stood. Hated from day one. I now think my mother had this with my violent abusive father. She betrayed her children for him. She would never say a bad word about him.He died 30 years ago but she still won't admit how she neglected her children because she was mentally and physically destroyed.
I thank the gods every day that man had a brain aneurysm....
Multiple cop visits. Escalating behaviour. Getting more pushy and even having way more aggressive interrogations of cheating. Horrific drug abuse of cocaine and crack, escalated to meth and I legit could not handle him, my mom was forced to get him treatment by us. He would be CLEARLY drunk and high on meth, my mom thought he was sober 💀
Like if he didn't die, idk if I could have stayed, ans idk if I could have allowed him to stay. Psychotic breakdown and he'd kill everyone, so I was almost ready to do him In, I just couldn't handle the oppressive anxiety, the looks he gave, the space he took up presence wise alone was just mind fucking, rot in piss homie 🤷
kinda therapeutic putting this out here, not in a tough guy manner or anything either, just not holding myself back anymore, I don't deserve that sense of shame I feel for not even doing anything bad right? Maybe god is real 😂
Glad we're past all this shit man. Too hopefully better times.
I am speechless, unbelievable. I've been watching your videos for close to a year now and this one really got to me. Thank you for all your hard work. The interviewer guided the conversation with masterful, brilliant ease.
glad to hear : )
@@psychologiststephanie5359 thank you again!
I stayed way too long, 14 yrs. I allowed my children and myself to be verbally abused, cheated on and I stayed. I finally had enough. He was on dating apps while still living with us. I've had enough of men right now. Not gonna lie, I am lonely. My kids have their lives. I've tried to step outside my box, tried a meditation class, trapeze classes. I ignored signs from day one. I'm trying to get by day by day.
Best wishes. You can do it. x
*hugs*
How are you feeling these days? I hope all is good for you and your family.
@@execbot Still dealing with the legal part of the divorce which is not going well. Mood is much better. All the signs were there ALL along, my journey to find out why I ignored them and got myself into this mess. Thanks for asking. 😃
Hi thanks for asking@@execbot . I have my 2nd mediaton Thu with the ex. Hoping to shut this chapter down, and rise from the ashes. Only time will tell.
@kimberlymorrison4880 ifyoure on a journey to find out why you ignored betrayal, youre on the right track sis!! Congrats to you for leaving.
When they reach for your hand out of nowhere and give you just enough to get your hopes up hoping you can get back the fantasy that you will never get
i see that he is moved by the pain he knows results from trauma bonding. when it’s all said and done, the narc abused and abuses the victim. knowingly. and while the narc was raised by an immature or narcissistic mother, he/she knows the pain they inflict and continue to inflict. they exploit all weaknesses. nothing is sacred. no one matters but them. so while we get frustrated by the fact that the victim doesn’t leave or cut communication, the victim is still the victim. and never asked to be destroyed internally by anyone. the victim was chosen and preyed upon with intention of doing exactly what is done. it is criminal. and there should be consequences as there are for other forms of abuse.
It was a masterpiece, Prof. Vaknin. I thank you from all my heart.
I'm a female borderline and you have put tramua bonding in too a place to understand how not to let it not happen again knowingly cuz until hearing these videos and tramua healing weeklyI was uneducated but as I become more aware of what was happening I can feel it in my gut woman or man I feel something so deep when someone is going be not a good personI thank God I thank you I thank my therapist and I'm proud of myself one of your best videos
Amen! I am too in the same boat! I have just walked away and my boundaries are getting stronger…. It’s just my anxiety I now to work on 😁
Thanks So much ! it is a sign of personal maturity to accept reality. I have realised I have "Prolonged Grief" since you began naming it Sam. I cry at some point every day and feel a deep loss, I am glad for your clear thoughts on the subject of abuse and its far reaching consequences. Apreciate this content.
I am the same!
I was in denial and ignored all the red flags of being in a relationship with another narcissist after escaping a 27 year marriage to a malignant narcissist alcoholic.
I wanted it to work due to loneliness and fear of rejection and abandonment.
Cognitive dissonance and a trauma bond were created .
ultimately he interrogated out of me ,exploited , and weaponized all my vulnerabilities and traumas against me.He would always leave me in limbo as to if he would ever want to see me again and would do intermittent hot and cold, push pull tactic. My anxieties would be triggered , I’d react with disappointment , confusion, and sometimes anger to him ending our dates abruptly .
He’d constantly play victim to and complain about all his past relationships .. how he was so traumatized by the ex wife, past girlfriends, and how his relationships with his parents were strained.
He has nothing to do with his dad.
I sensed he was using me as his target to project punishment onto for his unresolved contempt and grudges he has for those that he feels slighted him.
He discarded me and I’m in the most painful mourning and grief.
Bravo, Sam & Stephanie! This is, by far, the best & most cohesive video I have seen on Narcissistic Abuse! Sam, you are a fantastic teacher (& not all academics are). I marvel at the myriad of ways you are able to get your points across so that anyone at any level can walk away with something. Thanks for your devotion to bringing the truth to the people, especially the ones who really need it but can't afford to pay for it. No matter how many victims you left in your wake as a raging narcissist, you are indeed paying it forward...Stephanie, you are one of the best interviewers I've seen (esp. on RUclips). You're an astute listener who has total empathy for her clients. Thanks for giving Sam a sturdy structure & also the vast space for his intellect to roam. It was a great collaboration!
BTW, that warning at the end regarding the therapeutic relationship being corrupted by narcissism also applies to every area of society: education, religion (esp. the New Age or "New Cage"), finance, media, politics...everything, everything, EVERYTHING IS NOW INFECTED BY THE VIRUS KNOWN AS NARCISSISM! The only solution is waking up to the TRUTH, which is that most of us are born into narcissism...our mothers'wombs are a narcissistic matrix...& then we pop out into the family, another such matrix...& then we're pushed thru the social, educational, & professional systems, which further condition us...until we ourselves create our own matrices of narcissism by coupling &/or procreating...so THE BEAT KEEPS GOING ON. Narcissism begets narcissism! Again, the only solution is Awakening--but not the namaste version propagated by the so-called New Age/cage. No, what I'm talking about is the boots-on-the-ground (versus a spiritual head-in-the-clouds) process of SELF-AUTOLYSIS that will do the trick. This is a ruthless & painful self-examination that will bring you to your knees by requiring you to see yourself as you truly are...but this is far from an arid exercise of intellect. If you aren't sacrificing blood, sweat, & tears-- then you aren't going deep enough. Intrigued? Check out Jed McKenna's brilliant book: Spiritual Enlightenment, the Damndest Thing.
Sam, you are closer to Awakening than most, but you're almost too smart for your own good. And, like most people, you are utterly convinced of who you think you are---you have said that you're a "no self", barely human version of A.I. But that, however, is just another idea to throw on the funeral pyre of Self-Autolysis! Is this all there is for you? A life of isolated narcissism & redemption thru teaching the unwashed about the threats of narcissism? Aren't you bored with it all yet? I challenge you to put aside who you think you are & SURRENDER so that you can go further down the rabbit hole, finish individuating, & step into spiritual adulthood, which is the only true freedom there is. Somewhere inside of you you know you're not quite done yet (no matter how much you try to convince yourself you are). So now that I've shown you a new reality...what's it gonna be? The red pill or the blue pill? (You can order Damndest thru www.jedmckenna.com)
P.S. I am not affiliated with Jed in any way, nor am I invested in you in any way. I just followed a hunch here & actually wrote the idea that came to me while I was watching your video. I wish you all the best, Sam!
i like how your space
Exactly I never existed he never saw me I was an object!
My abuser was a psychotherapist the ultimate woof in sheep clothing that's has left a path destruction behind her! The most dangerous women that's ever crossed my path! Her ex committed suicide and has completely done me real long lasting damage physically and mentally 🙄
@@donaldsodav290I have reported her to the police just incase someone else comes forward! Registered with BACP which states they need to follow fairly strict standards of conduct in professional and personal life! Talking drugs and giving STDs to so many people she's sleeping with that I have to live with forevermore 🙄
@@Anonymous-rm7uy have you reported her to BACP?
@@CH-yk2bg @C H I have not yet and it's been a few months now me just trying to rebuild myself! It's not like I have not been thinking about it. I think what will the be out come from reporting her will she lose her job! Will that stop her behaviour and save others from harm? The whole writing them a letter looks like me trying to get revenge plus where do you start with such a letter? I wake up every day in complete terror! She said I have a border line personality and I do have episodes of dissociation! Gone from feeling suicidal to almost having good days now! I don't have the money to see a therapist and don't really know if i can trust them anymore!
Just writing this is giving me a real negative mental state of mind! A few times I have seen someone who looks like her walking the other way down street and I go into a complete panic state!
@@donaldsodav290 what’s with manipulative people being attracted to psychology field? Like Sam himself
My abuser also studied psychotherapy, and is one of the most dangerous manipulative evil people I know. He's also a religious leader and is loved by thousands. 🤢🤮
My abuser ex used to tell me that no one else will love me because i dont wear dresses that expose my body. Its only him who find me pretty even though i dont reveal my body part because he is a kind hearted person who prefer to love people for their hearts nd not body and that he is one of a kind rare guy and I will never find someone like him.
now I feel glad that i will never find someone like him.
This is the best video I’ve seen in a long time, great descriptions, thank you
Excellent video @samvaknin. I have been using EMDR with those who have suffered narcissistic abuse and I find it has good outcomes for the client.
Every sentence is true and holds answers to my 13 years old questions from abusive and violent married life. 37.50 is so profound, you are the one for him to abuse to take out his frustration while being nice to everyone.
This was both hard to hear and very helpful 🙏🏽
I also forgot to add that two weeks after breaking up with him he acquired a new woman. Which he evidently started abusing as well at the four week mark because she reached out to me in a haze of confusion asking me about the dynamic of my relationship with him. I gave her the advice get out as soon as you can because it never gets better I also told her that she’s likely not going to do that because he’s already began telling her that she will never be loved or cared for by anyone more than him and she probably believes it.
Saved this to watch again as every sentence rings true.
I believe my codependency came first and I helped bring out the worst narcissistic behaviours. I was an enabler. He has got even worse since we divorced and other people are starting to comment on his selfishness and disregard for others.
I do wish the abuser would face their own downfall, like karma perhaps.
They just find a new victim and stay on their high horse.
On a high horse? It only seems so on the fasade. It never lasts. He's rather in a perpetuum mobile, never satisfied, losing precious life energy on endless manipulations, power plays and aggressive outbursts, never feels loved because he can't be, he doesn't love himself to begin with. He knows he's empty behind the mechanics of abuse, he is no stupid. He is already in the hell of his own making. Karma doesn't need to punish him, he already punishes himself every single breath he takes. No matter how loud he screams he is OK and fine, successful, popular, sexy, etc. he feels worthless and meaningless. Without abuse, he is nothing, he does not exist. That's how I see it.
They usually do (Face karma) They live with depression, anxiety, and fear, kind of like junkies. I was with mine for 16 years and took pretty good care of his health. When he left, I knew he was going to come to a bad end. He had one more victim/Girlfriend, and spiraled down into depression, drugs, and alcohol and died suddenly. Since he died, the memories that I had that I thought were of love died too. He was a covert narcissist and was not as malicious as many of them, until he started to drink after 24 years of sobriety, towards the end of our relationship. As The professor explains in another video, when covert narcissist drinks they turn into the more classic malignant obnoxious kind of narcissist. Their grandiosity and entitlement swells. Before that, we actually had quite a long stretch of good years, with me providing pretty good supply. I helped him build his image and his career. I was good at it. Which made it all the more shocking when he discarded me and smeared me to everyone we knew, even my auto mechanic! Now I doubt every word he ever said about any of his exes. I don’t miss him now, but there is some profound grieving going on. I think I’m through the worst of it, but it’s like there’s dead stuff inside of me that has to be absorbed or transmuted. I am lucky that my narcissist wasn’t as ugly as many are, at least not until the end. I think the drugs that he took, mostly opiates or opiate Substitutes like buprenorphine or methadone took the edge off some of the meanness That many of you out there are subjected to. But the booze brought out the true ugly face. I wish you the best in your healing. Don’t give up!
@@julieangle9721 Thank you, Julie. Many years ago I was vindictive too, bitter and hurt to be honest. Then I got educated, broke the old patters and thanks to professionals like, among others, Prof. Sam Vaknin I understand it all differently now.
This is the most understandable chat! Being infatuated with theee most wonderful man 95%.. and a monster 5%really makes you crazy!!! No-one understands! You become alone! Wow wow wow! Urika moment.... also the absolute fear of being alone.. and brushing cheating.. nastiness. .. horrible monster style..under the carpet!! Because the dynamics are so unbalanced. This makes so much sence.
Thankyou for this insight x
Thank you professor.
Everyday new uploads and so much content! Good that I'm on holidays :)
I see still another dynamic explaining the power of the trauma bond. To exist, to appear to the world you have to have boundaries. If sth goes awry in the last phase of individuation that you mentioned in one of the last videos, you are boundary-illiterate, therefore:
a) you don't recognize how you become depersonalized, objectified and enmeshed in sb else's fantasy like a tool ("a dildo" as you and Richard say), it just remains in the blind spot;
b) you feel relieved when you don't need to bother with boundaries, it's the secondary gain of being abused; you manifest to the world through intense, painful experiences that the abuser grants you, thus escaping responsibility for yourself, for maintaining your boundaries, which is a skill foreign to you and an ordeal worse perhaps than the abuse itself.
I have to say that emptiness every one talks about it not a feeling we choose it's just there and it's from abandonment in childhood that another human being will never be able to fill until u understand that you will take it out on partners and never understand
@@penelopekostick743 your are wright but no other person can do this is what I mean but you're wright and of course we don't mean to take it out on anyone that's why we need working on ourselves
What a masterful description of the whole dynamic. Thankyou.
Every thing u say happened to me. Its crazy im crying this unbelievable.
Absolutely perfect assessment, dr V. As usual. Excellent interview. Thanks 😊
This was a masterpiece
Truly a world class Educator. I learn more from him than the 3 years of my psychology degree.
I love you man. You helped me cut my bpd ex . Thank you.
AMAZING information! Thankyou for this fantastic discussion 💡💎💙💫
He did it all. This happened to me. Im so traumatized and i. Mysrug addiction and lost.
Thank You Sam, Stephanie for this video. I've always and still feel as if I'm a normal person surounded by ab normal people. Now I know this is true.
Thank you for this clear understanding on this topic 👏.
Could we start calling "victims" "targets" instead? Just like a sniper the abuser seems to observe from a distance before they target you in order to obliterate the person you are.
@@penelopekostick743 I have gone for total lockdown in a fallout bunker!
I was waiting the whole time for the most important question for the abused: How can they break the trauma bond. Please professor Vaknin, can you talk about this in detail. step by step. What is needed to be done to finally sever this horrific bond.
Be realistic .. call
It what it was .. chose better . Hug
Be ok with being alone. That was my take on why we struggle with abusive ships. That is my "now" and my "future". Understanding that the relationships were never real has helped me move on, but hasn't broken the addictive pattern. Good luck to you.
Coda.org
1:06:42
Great discussion. That’s a decent pour Sam!
Sam, you're right. I've had a couple of situations with therapists that weren't good. Boundaries were crossed.
I'm glad I watched this video. This is excellent information. I understand myself a little better now in terms of my struggles with love addiction and abusive relationships. I'd like to add that I think I also love-bomb myself in times when I am single. That's why it's really interesting for me to hear that abused people take a mental snapshot of the abuser and have a relationship with that internal object. That's exactly what I do when I'm in a relationship, but I also pick someone I'm not with yet, when I'm single, take a snapshot of him and use that snapshot to love-bomb myself by fantasising about how amazing I look to that person. I've been addicted to this brain elixir producing fantasy behaviour my whole adult life, and I think it's going to help me to know this, and focus on exploring loneliness as a training ground for skill building instead of feeding myself a toxic lie that puts me in danger. Thank you!!!!
Strong Video, thank you 🙏
Is this why we abuse ourselves after the relationship ends..
This is 100% my favorite video with Sam Vankin. This helped me a LOT
Vaknin.
Great conversation
thank you
I love the highlights on trauma bond established within a therapeutic relationship - the reparative relationship !!!
Super interview thanks!!!!
Full of information!! I'm curious of something. If the abuser marries, taking advantage of you as a young adult and 35 years later can there be a shift? What happens as they cant keep lies from all years straight? Yet they made themself look like they were such a devoted husband they weren't. Seems you then end up their caregiver never able to get freedom you missed all those years.
Sometimes seeking utility over happiness of a relationship is pushed in religious organizations.
Professor, I think I heard you say in a previous video, that the same type of cluster B personality types in a couple will compete. Somatic with somatic, etc. Will a covert and classic borderline compete?
What a great poem you did❤
Thank you
Thank you Sam
'59 ' yes ❤ very right, two persons.
Very painful that it does not matter you are good, or bad, or sweet or sensitive
that it is even You, no sense because it is accidentily you, thanks for all this hearing and recognising it, and that it is behaviour , not even clinical described, 😅
Silence of the lambs
It was 3 years of abuse it was horrible. That addiction theory is amazing 40 years of drugg abuse. I think because i was doing crack i was nimb for alot of the abusee. But 3 months after gr went to prison. I started to studder rock no contol of mu emotions or actions suicidal ideation. Anxiety attacks so i guess he did affect me. And i dissociated cuz the abuse is comin up every day that i must have blocked out along with child hood abuse
Amazing and informative talk, thank you
Prolonged grief syndrome. I left my 33 year marriage. I so want to go back but afraid of how I would be abused. I feel so dead inside
There are better days ahead prayers 🙏
This is so interesting
Yes, a very eye opening video indeed! After a traumatising hiking accident (broken bones, surgeries) I received physical therapy. The pyhsical therapist mentally abused and manipulated me into a trauma bonding. I understand that I was at least in a borderline state during that time. I thought I found the Iove of my life, left my partner and shortly after was discarded by the physiotherapist (I was secured, had fallen for them, so bye bye).They already had seduced another patient and a teenager in a queer youth group. As you can guess, I am now in psychological therapy.
Working as a physical therapist and volunteering as a 'counselor' (with no credentials, no degree) in a youth group provides them endless supply. I know the person has harmed and is harming countless people.
It sounds a very painful experience. Wishing you all the best from here on.
@@tessellatiaartilery8197 Thank you!
@@penelopekostick743 Thanky you and I am sorry you've had to go through similar torment like me
@@invisiblemissx Thank you for sharing your similar experience & for the link to the checklist!
Well this explains everything
Professor,Is object constancy can be restored with therapy or is it something is gone forever?
And I have an other question. when you talked about the death voice you mentioned that it is much stronger then the life voice. So that means when you have the death voice you doomed forever with it if you developed mental issue regardless if it is narcissism or borderline or codependency ect. ?
Both issues can be tackled in therapy - to some extent, but not fully.
Omg this is 💯. I’m shook
I am a mess but and everything u are saying except i think there are things i think i didnt say but i guess i did cause i cant leave. Hes in prison. For what he did to me. But im still wi th him. He hasntvcalled in 3 days hes punishing me. Sliem treatment. Which he does all the time. I cant keave im balling crying. He did and said everything u are saying. How do u know this!! U are describing my childhood my mother. I have a severe addiction to crack and alcohol
Great video. Thank you x
Im the SCAPEGOAT out of 4 chidlren . Older brother 18 months older ( golden child) me then twins 2 years under me , boy & girl . I am the TRUTH TELLER . I exposed the child molester uncle and well, i became HATED BY EVERYONE first & foremost was my mother ! .. but we all were abused in childhood and the emotional incest w my brothers ( of course they are unaware yet they both have their own issues oh wait - no they don't- forgot IM THE PROBLEM ) . but being the truthteller made me the target of my mothers abuse life long . It started the day i was conceived . These narcs cannot love .
First suicide attempt was at 28 . Suicide ideation much of my life - this video is really helping me understand these connections . Dying to be "loved" ... yup , literally for me . I live w my covert malignant narcissist mother and this summer i started to finally wake up to the abuse in ways i couldn't prior. Im 45 . Its been hell as the abuse intensified and i was getting sooo triggered back to a child . The emotional neglect goes so deep and abandonment trauma . My life has been HELL and back a million times .
Ive been single for 16 years & as much as i dated after last relationship when i was 28 ( 45 now) i only was attracted to narcs /abusers and men did not last .. 2.5 years ago i chose to stop dating completely ( bc i was only attracting assholes /narcs from online dating - impossible to meet anyone in person just didn’t happen) . I have never been haopier since i stopped dating ¡
Could an abusee create an abuser, although the absuer was healthy before? Meaning they convertley bring the other partner to a point, that makes them abuse the partner, in order to create a trauma bond.
I think so. The borderline I was with for three months, in that last hectic month, would create drama by drunkenly arguing over the phone, and as I would try to communicate and fix things, she’s go into lying, gaslighting, and blame shifting me, trying to make me a villain. I feel like that was her needing an abuser, a stand in for her abusive parent. The pain was familiar, and like cutting for her. But technically, the “abused” isn’t the abused, she’d be the abuser for controlling me.
Sam is still so charming 😂😂
It took for me to disappear on him to get him to change. His final words to me were “I can leave u nd get with another girl nd not have these problems”…. His definition of problems is me fighting back. Definitely a case of Stockholm Syndrome without a doubt. However I went grey and didn’t respond. By week 2 I was crying because I needed him so bad I was scared to lose him. I kept reflecting and its almost like my memories didn’t matter my body craved him. I understood then I was trauma bonded. I started working out when I felt that way or I’d call my friend. She definitely played a key role in because without her I would of easily falling back into that relationship. Good or bad I wanted his attention and even if he freshly hit me. I did dread loneliness and felt like I was never going to meet someone better. I have to admit the longer i went without talking the harder it became and he made sure to stalk me. I broke it at 5 weeks. I lost 10 lbs because I was not flooded with cortisol. My sleep improved. My skin cleared and my hair stopped falling out. By the time the trauma bonded ended my dopamine receptors had transferred over to hitting the gym considering my results. Either way I totally resonated with me. It’s crazy how the mind works sheesg.
so proud of you .. please keep it up and never allow yourself to be subjugated to such treatment again .. much love and support to you and I am sorry you had to go through that but happy for your personal and soul growth
@@mq4380 thank you it was hard but. I did it. I hope everyone gets free from their mental prison
This is me right now. I crave him but he wasn't worth it to begin with. Offers nothing but dick, and I can literally get that anywhere. Haven't heard from him in a bit. Hopefully got good.
What did you do? I can’t do it 😢
You are such a strong person.
Can hypnosis help?
Thank you. I have been watching many of your talks. This has absolutely resonated with me and i have have had a mirror held in front of me.
Some people swear by psychedelics and say it’s helped them. Not getting high on mushrooms, but doing it under guided supervision and going inward to heal the root cause of your codependency, inner child wounding etc.
Mind control yes that's what happened to me thanks for this have you heard of cognitive diidess
Abuse is not random if you allowed it to happen
where's the hope? Is there no hope for change?
26:00 wow
43:00
Ngtl I think I’m trauma bonded to my job lol
Dude no wonder my mom would stand In front of my dad when she found out that he was cheating she provoke him to hit her
Me too ha ha
I’m trying to fix my own head and heart and soul and I don’t have health insurance now I drive for delivery service and I don’t make enough to cover out of pocket for counselors and I had a stroke I am slightly disappointed now it’s am almost fifty I tried to get on my feet but I don’t even know if I was really abused I don’t know how my mom was until my dad died a few years ago and she had me move to her house and then COVID and she died but first so annihilated my relationship with my extended family and my community and I because pariah and I have learned helpmates I am a trained circuses monkey it’s weird like she taught me how to load up the chamber of the world and pull on the firing of pin in absentia while pointing at the monster in every mirror. “Help!” 12:14 I don’t know how to break free from this bond that I just heard you say is stronger than maternal bonds because…. This WAS my maternal bond. I feel kind of like I have to have deserved it she was my mother I should have been a better person I let her down. I used to have a very high IQ and many friends I used to be successful in music but I just realized I was self harming in the seventies grade and I didn’t know that anyone does… “I’M GONNA LOVE YOU LIKE A MOTHER LOVES YOU..” but she WAS my mother. I never went No Contact. She did right before she died and two and a half years later I am still waking up every morning and I find myself wondering why I haven’t stopped yet. “You are a sick little girl you need help…”… I remember you did this video about the 13 traits of toxic family dynamics and our family had a dozen of them. You’re describing my life right now. My mother had a bpd diagnosis I was unaware of until right before she died and the psychiatrist who was assigned to her in a care facility had been my clinical advisor in university he didn’t know what I had deprecated into and discussed her cluster b diagnoses (borderline and histrionic) that she had gotten when I was in grade school. I wish I could just be gone some days, I am not sure why I can’t end myself like my brother I don’t mind spending time with my animals and just reading and learning about the world online I don’t have to be in a relationship with a human I am never as lonely as it would cost me the peace of my life right now. Every time anyone got too close to the truth that trauma happens in my childhood home like teachers etc she would tell me all people in the psych field are crazy and that they went into the field to fix their own madness by saying everyone else is… and it would continue…. I left at fifteen or fulfilled her hypothesis. I have musical hive mind that is trained. I have internalized the dialogue and my disjointed symphony is echoing through she’s not here and I hurt my own marionette self in her place playing dolls as I conduct the song in my distorted dysfunctional danse macabre. I am Norman Bates and funny that was one of her favorite movies… the plot of a two dimensional plot device triangulated as disgusting and disgusted by the over sharing cringe inducing grotesque danse macabre of the freak in the mirror and the internet right now. With the limo the cane the need of dental work and debt consolidation. Asperger’s syndrome. Divorced . Consensual collaboration except now I do it for her. I loved my mom, not reciprocated oh well. I just amble on towards mortality hoping I don’t accidentally become another hurt person who hurts people. Ok I guess I have to go to work now but I appreciate any prayers sent my way I will continue to pray for all of us who are suffering which is.. all of us. Including my mother and trying to learn to include myself in compassion but it’s so difficult now… something I literal say “I DON’T EXIST I AM NOT A HUMAN BEING..,” like learned helplessness I just don’t have the energy to do much more so I cut to the chase and spare myself the expenditures. I don’t want to end myself I just don’t know how to live until my future corpse catches up with me in natural chronological time and I have no idea how to do anything anymore. I’m sorry for making the world grosser but losing a child, my marriage and my dad and my uterus to cancer and my house to be fire…. And my world burned down the moment I opened the door to a house I had fled once in self preservation threes decades earlier. I was asking for it and I delivered what I must have felt I deserved. I don’t know how to unfuck myself anymore.
My abuser was my mother n it wasn’t love