Aspergers and bullying in the workplace | Patrons Choice
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- Опубликовано: 26 июл 2024
- This video topic was chosen by 'cup of coffee' patrons supporting this channel for $4USD or more per month. You can become a patron too by visiting: / aspergersfromtheinside
This video is jam packed. I share my personal story with aspergers and bullying in the workplace. I outline two common strategies that don't work as well as a strategy handle if you're being bullied yourself.
This is the last video on the theme of aspergers work and employment. Next month's theme will be diagnosis.
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// WELCOME TO ASPERGERS FROM THE INSIDE!!
My name is Paul and I discovered I have Aspergers at age 30.
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Yes, I know, I don't look autistic. That's exactly why I started this blog, because if I didn't show you, you would never know.
As the name suggests, this channel is devoted to giving you insight into the world of Aspergers.
This blog started off being just my story, but I've learned SO MUCH about my own condition
from meeting others on the Autism Spectrum that now I make sure to feature their stories as well.
I've come a long way in my own personal journey.
Now I'm sharing what I've found so you don't have to learn it the hard way too.
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I value your time which means there are NO RUclips ADS on my videos.
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The best way to learn about Autism is to see it in real life ( i.e. via the stories of many, many people on the spectrum).
In this channel I endeavour to show you what Autism and Aspergers look like in real people and to also give you some insight as to what's happening on the inside.
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oh, and I love busting stereotypes and turning preconceptions upsidedown :)
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// ABOUT ME
I discovered I have aspergers at the age of thrity.
It has been my life's mission to understand these funny creatures we call humans.
My special interest is a combination of emotional intelligence, psychology, neuroscience, thinking styles, behaviour, and motivation. (I.e. what makes people tick)
My background is in engineering and I see the world in systems to be analysed.
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// EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE TRAINING
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~Paul
I can't stand bullies. The worst part about them is many bullies pose as good people but when they meet someone who is a little different or someone is struggling they turn into a very horrible person around us. The older I am getting I am starting to see that people who think of themselves as ''normal everyday folks'' are some of the worst folks living among us. ''Normal'' people shun others, discriminate, and gossip and act like jerks. I am so glad I am not a ''normal'' person.
I know EXACTLY what you mean, 'normal' people can sometimes be the worst of all bullies, because they fit in very well and are so are comfortable with whatever the current system is, so when a person who is noticeably different like someone with autism, they can dislike that because the person sees the world in a different way, and if other people were to follow their lead then the shape of the world might start to change, and this scares the 'normies' more than anything, because they are happy with how things are and do not want anything to change, and so they can viciously attack the outsiders just to try and shut them down and keep things the way they are. I've been dealing with it my whole life.
Another thing I hate is when these sorts of bullies take advantage of autistic people. I have Aspergers and so it is really hard for me to read people. I call it like being emotionally colour blind. If people are nice to me then I assume they are nice and have no ulterior or sinister motives, and again people have been taking advantage of that disability my entire life, they pretend to be my friends but they secretly hate me and are just trying to manipulate me into doing something humiliating so they can then film/record it and upload it online. The worst part is that the majority support them with this bullying. That is and has been a major problem throughout all of history, the majority almost never have to answer for their crimes against an oppressed minority, because the majority has all of the power, so it is like putting a serial killer in charge of their own murder investigation, they are never going to punish themselves, it's like dealing with normies, even if they are clearly the ones in the wrong, they just gang up and say 'well we all agree and you are the odd one out, so you must be in the wrong' I'm sick of it.
I know it is wrong to generalise, but I have suffered so much bullying and abuse that I have really grown to hate neurotypicals (except my mum, dad, and cat, and maybe if I can find a nice wife and have children) but I really just don't want to deal with normal people at all. I know they can get uncomfortable around me because I struggle socially, and there are things they take for granted like naturally mimicking each others facial expressions and tone of voice etc, that I just am not able to do, but I'm not a hateful person, I try to be nice, but if you don't fit in they just do not let you forget it. I actually wish that all autistic people could get our own country and just live there away from neurotypical people except family and friends we love and trust who want to visit, (call it Spergville, I don't care, they can make their jokes, fuck em all) it seems like it would be easier that way, because although autistic people can be blunt and weird, at least I usually know where I stand with them, unlike some smug grinning neurotypical prick who has all kinds of dastardly machevelian schemes. Autistic Lives Matter!!!
@@earaids5428 I’m certainly sympathetic to your struggle as I’ve dealt with similar problems over the course of my life. I couldn’t possibly phrase it better so I’ll try to stay short. Messed up as it is it actually made me feel better to hear about someone else having similar and perhaps more extreme struggles. Everything you said hit home and it seems we see the world in a similar way so I just wanted to say thank you and let you know you aren’t alone and there’s nothing wrong with you being who you are! Cheers and good luck 🍀
Totally agree 👍 I worked many years with this church going person I'm talking at church every time the door was opened, this same person would be the first one off a call making fun of the customer or bullying people to get a certain shift, I once put these people on a pedestal but I stopped ✋️ because to me they behaved worse than regular people who didn't attend church.
@@datnohi8612 Why would you put anybody up on a pedestal?
Also Be aware of the wolves in sheep’s clothing.
This to me sounds like an example of narcissist bullies, it's overwhelming for me to think how many narcissists are around us. They want attention because they not believe in themselve and they use people to their advantage, this individual with little to no empathy. Usually, talk in an artificial tone to make something bigger sounds bigger than what really is.
Aspys seem to attract bullies. Since we are so direct, and we point out the obvious with good intentions to fix things, it's threatening. Once a boss or coworker feels threatened, they get defensive and start negative behaviors like bullying. With so many bad bosses, this can lead to a terrible cycle.
It's very true, I was very direct with a District Manager about employee rights and he really didn't like that. He made sure that my job would be made so miserable that I would quit.
@@cherrysdiy5005 Might be worth it to look into something called a "constructive termination". It's where they retaliate in a manner which any reasonable person would quit their job. It's treated almost the same as a termination and goes to retaliation AND is very illegal.
This is absolutely true. Whenever I get told to do something at work that is either nonsensical or actually impossible within the time limit, or when something is being done in an inefficient manner, and I point these things out to management, it almost always results in defensiveness and deflection and not discussion on if these things are actually inefficient and how to fix it. One of the actual responses I got from a supervisor when I did this was "we like to keep a positive attitude around here and you seem quite negative". If you want to waste time and money doing things unintelligently, be my guest, just please don't insult me in the process.
The initial (in my case) naiveness of social interaction sure does encourage smarter than average “normals” to encourage manipulation.
Once I learned to identify patterns in socialisation I realised that their poor tactics are more needy than necessary.
So that's why you got to secretly record them. There are hidden body cams disguised as jewelery. You can't sue them or blackmail them
I was actually bullied so bad I had to quit my job because HR wouldn’t do anything about it and I was verbally threatened several times by several people. I was even called worthless by a coworker right in front of the boss and nothing was done about it. I finally had no choice but to leave the job I loved. I loved the job itself, but I absolutely hated my coworkers. I finally have found a job with a fun and friendly atmosphere.
I had to leave an entire industry after random people had innuendo, threatening type conversations near my desk. Felt like I had the mob after me.
@@eschwarz1003 i'm so sorry to hear that you've experienced this type of behaviour. Any form of bullying is deeply upsetting and can affect you for a long time. I've also been affected by bullying. Peace and Love to you.
@@sharonensor7471 Sharon, you are very kind. I wish you peace and recovery as well!
@@eschwarz1003 Thank you
When I got bullied at work I bullied back!!!!
Bullies always act so innocent when things get real, but come comfort and they're back to bullying with no shame.
The worst part of being bullied is being told its your fault for another persons sadism. I don't know how to respond appropriately so I either stay quiet or going too far in retaliation. People just don't understand I'm physically incapable of finding the socially appropriate middle ground. I lose either way, when I just want to be left alone. Expecting me to respond in just the right way is like telling a fish to run a mile, if I could do that I wouldn't be in this situation.
I know exactly what you mean, the amount of times I have been ganged up on and then they act like it's all my fault for making myself a target. Okay, I do stand out, but that doesn't justify people ganging up on me and treating me like crap. It is also a no win situation, because if you actually do fight back verbally or physically then they have a go at you for that too. I don't want to, but I really have grown to hate most neurotypical people.
I have been bullied my entire schooling days. If somehow the teachers decided to do something about it, they just make the bully say "sorry" and I have to accept it. Ofcourse I can't accept the apology because that is so unfair. Then the teacher would call me unsympathetic for not complying. It's so exhausting.
It's so strange how obsessed people are with protecting the perpetuator and blaming victims.
oh yes, so true. When some male colleagues try to fright me, I was told by my boss to get on with my work and not be frightened
This is 100% true. People associate bullying with things like physical violence and juvenile humiliation tactics such as pansing. But adults have much more sophisticated methods of bullying. The most common I've seen in the workplace against people on the spectrum are spreading rumors about them in order to socially isolate them, withholding important information from them in order to get them in trouble, blackmailing them into doing other peoples' work, and worst of all - pretending to be their friend and filming them in hopes of creating the next Chris Chan.
I recently learned that I am an Aspie...
I have been bullied on most every job... and also was bullied in school... I never knew why...
But learning about Asperger's has helped me understand why I feel so different.
Thank you for this video
Learn how to intimidate :)
People are just assholes :(
People are such assholes that it makes me become a bigger asshole to the assholes and I come across as the asshole. I hoped you followed all of that!!!
@@daphne4983 Throw a fit like a infant child. Man it works!!!!
Yep, same here. There's no real solution to it. The managers will also jerk you around and merely try to appear with company policy and the law as you're just an oddball to them all.
One of my managers at my last jobs would tell me to do impossible tasks, and because I can't understand when people are pulling my leg, I would try and do them (and feel extremely stressed about it). He would let me get the the point where I was realizing I couldn't do what he'd asked, and then declare that it was obviously a joke and criticize me for being gullible. It was so stressful.
What a piece o' shit.
@@pterafirma Exactly. It's called bullying.
They did that to me at an industrial bakery during my twenties.A variant on " go and fetch me a sky-hook " except that it was something more plausible and I fell for it.This is why I now live off-grid and avoid humans.
:(
Once at work some coworkers thought it would be pretty funny to pretend a lot of money was lost and that it was my fault, and i pbviously got all worked up about it and believed them because of course i have a hard time knowing when someone is joking if they hide the obvious cues. They only told me it was a joke after i was super upset and was about to complain to the big boss about this obvious “lie”. Yhis incident scarred me, and i had a really hard time understanding why until i found your channel
Sadly there are an awful lot more bullies out there than most people realise.
The reason I say that is because underneath every bully lurks a coward.
They get off on making life miserable for others. They have no real honour or decency.
Unfortunately some of these people seem to be able to reach very high positions of authority and command great power. It's so wrong.
Oh, my God. This exact thing happened to me and I was never able to explain it to anyone else. My dad got me a temp job at a warehouse he worked at. It started pretty well as I worked on the first project under one supervisor. When that project was finished a month in, I was moved to the section where the rest of the temps were and.... yeah, I was completely ignored by the *three* supervisors in that section and by the rest of the team. No matter how much I asked, no one showed me how to do the project. They wouldn't even chat with me. I started doing sorting and picking instead, because they weren't being done but after someone accused me of doing something unsafe, I was pulled off those tasks and left with absolutely nothing to do. People started actively avoiding me at that point and I spent the last two months of my 6-month contract literally just going to an untrafficked corner and sleeping. And when the contract ended, my dad accused me of humiliating him.
I write this while sitting here sobbing from the relief of trauma explained and validated, a feeling I think most of us encounter regularly when we start to hear from other autistics. Thank you.
When your good at a job they pick on you im getting bullied yet again ive actually lost count of the times ive been bullied
The same thing happens with every job I have where I have to work with a group. Nobody explains anything everyone else understands because they have more experience and Im always left in the dark. It seems people do everything they can to ignore me.
That's why I play a character when I have to work with NTs. It's tiring, but I choose to be popular than my real quiet self because the last time I did that, I was bullied into failed suicide. So now I always put on my Kate Hudson character and... Sadly... Or thankfully...it works.
This is why I now live in a wood with only a dog and (48 hours ago) a kitten for company and actively despise all humans.
@@Richard-dg7bf We're not all bad. Just a lot are, tho. I created a woods at my in-town city, now a NWF-Certified wildlife habitat. I have had birds fresh from fledging come to me, and sit on my finger, long enough for a picture or five, and including a literal peck on my lips. I wish people were like that (not literally, of course, because that would be revolting). Anyway, if you are happy enough, then good on you. Just know, no matter what, we are all alone together, and people like me care about people like you.
I experienced massive amounts of discrimination through my work life and had no idea why, found out I was Aspie at age 44 and now have a different perspective and refuse to tolerate it. Ironically I was sat down by someone about 18 months ago in my current job and told that my behaviour was making some of my colleagues feel uncomfortable, so could I tone it down my directness a bit, could I stop talking about things I care about a bit etc
My initial reaction was ok, till I realised an hour or two later what he had effectively asked me to do, which was "could I be less Aspie". I do not hold it against the guy that asked as he hadn't effectively realised what he was asking me to do. However when I was talking with another manager later on. I explained that I had been absolutely livid the night before and she was struggling to understand until I gave her an analogy as follows.
If I were gay and my "gayness" made colleagues feel uncomfortable, would you dare ask me if I could be less gay? Because whether he realised it or not he has asked me to be less Aspergers.
The look of pure horror on her face when the analogy made the connection in her mind was extreme. Suffice to say, I've never had any issues since.
Great story. This is the part that many people don't realise. It's a protected category. Precisely because it affects us more than the neurotypicals.
Wow!!!! That's just brilliant!!!!!
Wow! I love how you resolved that..high 5!!!
I've been bullied my entire life in school. I was completely powerless and it still haunt's me to this day.
I understand that feeling all too well.
I feel your pain brother. We autistics need to unite and put all of these neurotypical assholes squarely in their place once and for all.
I also get haunted by my mistakes in the past. Some people made a mistake and they forget about it because it's not that big of a deal for them but I don't forget it. I wish I could forget it because it's a nightmare and it haunts me. But after watching a movie "the kid" I realize there's a toxic cycle of abuse and torture around them so I don't get around them anymore. Now I feel good without them, I do things by myself and I believe I can have a bright future someday. Gosh it feels so peaceful getting away from those kinds of people
I don't work actually, I'm on college and I get more than an average grade. I wish I could meet other people with asperger and talk about it because I wanna know more about them. Except some amount of their traumatic experiences because it made me feel stressful sometimes
I understand. 🫂 ❤
I had a customer stand up for me on several occasions. He came into my line later and asked if I was okay and to stand up for myself more. Im such a emotional wreck all the time his sympathy, his ability to see what was going on when no one else seemed to pick up on it was really touching.
You were effectively given the silent treatment and sidelined for 6 months! That’s horrifying. Like solitary confinement but in the midst of people. I’m so sorry to hear about your experience. We’re taught to minimize our traumas for other people’s comfort. You endured what other people couldn’t. Well done for surviving that.
I used to work at a print shop where my supervisor was a bully. I had a friend in the company who understood how I felt because she bullied him too, but he was afraid to make waves. I finally told the boss about how she was acting, but he didn't care because she knew the printing industry even more than he did, so he relied on her a lot. He only cared about making money, so I left, but I told him he's going to spend a lot of money training new people, only for them to leave when she bullies them. It's a damn shame what a dog-eat-dog world it is.
Adult bullying is very passive aggressive and subtle, it's hard to tell when it's happening.
It’s even harder to prove when you can.
I've been bullied in the same passive-aggressive way, and I actually started to make friends with a couple of other people in another team who were far less judgmental and happy to accept me for who I am. As such, I was able to show my team that it wasn't ME, but rather how THEY were reacting towards me. Over time I was actually able to wrangle a new job out of it, and was most humble when they wanted to organise a farewell lunch for me. I just said, no that's fine, I'm not really one for a massive send-off, a simple quick morning-tea will do.
I walked away that day and never looked back at them.
I would run into the old team in the lifts whilst conversing with my new colleagues, all of whom were FAR more accepting of me, so they could see that I was actually not some 'weirdo' who doesn't belong, but it was THEY who were the judgemental ones, who made ME feel like I didn't belong.
Being in that team was torture though...it really was.
the world is a cruel place, or rather people can be cruel. We had a guy at work, who didnt last long, who had deep needs and was very hard work. Most people in the workplace dont want anything to do with caring for someone. Very sad.
All these years, I didn’t even know those NTs are bullying me. I just knew I felt bad, whatever they did left a bad taste in my mouth. I didn’t know to properly label what had happened. That is how gullible and vulnerable people on the spectrum are.
We aren't gullible, what we are is honest to a fault and to many of us it never occurs to us that other people do not think like we do. I found out I was Aspie at 44 years old and it was a massive weight lifted off my shoulders, because now i knew that actually I did think differently to most other people.
However it's very easy to forget that and make the assumption that because you are honest and selfless other people will be too. Neuro typical normal people have very strong selfish, lazy tendencies and love to not bother thinking as long as it doesn't affect them.
We aren't like that.
I sometimes wonder if Aspies and the ultra intelligent should band together and show the rest of the world how we know a better way.
God I'd love to live somewhere that was "Aspieland"
This!
Absolutely!! Amen Aspies ❤. Learning so much. So much pain and suffering explained. 💔
Ive been bullied my whole life and i have no friends because people are so cruel and i cannot connect with anyone. I hate people now.
Zoes Dada Me too.
All humans are despicable vermin.I speak from 55 years of 24/7 persecution.No - you're DEFINITELY not alone and to talk of 'filtering' THEM out is nothing short of an INSULT.
When I was 19, a guy who was a Marine told me, "People are pieces of shit and they deserve to be obliterated."
I am 56 years old now. While I am not in the business of "obliterating" other people, I whole-heartedly agree with him.
I have been taken advantage of by THREE scammers in the past 7 years. I also hate people now.
Get a dog there love is uncoditonable.
Turn to Jesus. He loves you.
I almost went to prison for killing my highschool bully, it was self defense but I chose to use a method deemed excessive, only the fact that this person was torturing others and crippled one person it was ruled that the potential for him to mortally injure me was there and established. Think about that when you push someone over the edge!!!!
Walker Prescott wow
Glad you survived.
wow that escalated quickly
I know how that is like. Had similiar experience.
Honestly, I should have kicked my main bully off the stairs when I was at the age when I would not be sent to prison. I regret to this day I didn´t do it. Whatever would happen to him (death or injury which would leave him disabled) would be perfectly deserved.
I was bullied out of my last job. I’d been there for eight years and got on well with ppl, but my manager was the bully. People at my new place are so nice so I’m happy.
I have Asperger’s. I used to be in the workforce from 1982 to 2002. At the end, I had an emotional breakdown and went on disability. Almost in all of my jobs, I had to deal with workplace bullies whether they would be my coworkers or my desk supervisor. During my time in the workforce, I worked for two brokerage firms, one in New York in the 80s for four years and one in Phoenix in the 90s for three years and I left both employers badly beaten and emotionally broken. The sticking point was not only my job performance but also how I interacted with my coworkers and my desk supervisors and it seemed every time I spoke with them it always brought out their aggression against me. As a child, I had learning disabilities, so I was also a slow learner. I learned that just because humans may come off as nice with most people, the real test is how they interact with me. If they interact with me poorly, then they failed the test and are not decent people even if they are nice to 99% of the people they interact with. I remember in my second job when I was being threatened with termination, they actually raised the security level up a notch thinking wrongly I was going to go postal on them or engage in workplace violence. They do this with every person they fire. I remember two of the unlucky people made death threats so they thought wrongly I would do that too. Very insulting of them. Hard for me to feel any empathy for them when they treated me like garbage. I believe it’s not just workplaces. I think people in general are just plain horrible, including the so-called “nice” ones. They may be nice to 99% of everybody they interact with but they are super rotten to people like me which makes them bad people.
I'm 27 at the time of this post and man, I completely relate with the slow learning.
I don't think I have Aspergers, but I do have a bad case inattentive ADD.
My slowprocessing(excarberated by my Depression/Anxiety)speed has brought me a good deal of ruin in the menial workforce. The thing is, once I'm up to speed with tasks/training, I perform well above average compared to most of my coworkers.
Unfortunately, few people have the patience I need to succeed or just think I'm stupid and treat me as such.
These issues have made me seriously think about just exiting the employee market entirely and becoming self-employed. The problem, is how and when will I be able to that... 🤔
I always found that the bullies would usually take me by surprise and I wouldn't know how to respond. Now I think about the tactics these people use and in advance can practice a confident, articulate and intelligent response and be as direct and blunt as possible. I have found that if I can get in first they don't have a comeback. I hate bullies and as a female, other women can be the worst as they gossip and exclude and try to undermine. I do my work as competently as possible and am friendly to my colleagues however I prefer to sit alone on my breaks and don't socialise but I am happy to be that way and because I am it appears that they have a weird kind of respect for me. Thanks for this video 🙂
You're welcome! Thanks for the comment :)
A few weeks after I made this comment, I was bullied at work quite unexpectedly and by someone I have never had anything to do with. It really threw me and all my strategies went out the window. This person then continued later in the day talking about me very loudly within earshot to 2 other colleagues. I confronted her and stated that I could hear everything she was saying. She ignored me and continued. I was so overwhelmed by the situation that I stared to cry which embarrassed me further and made me feel vulnerable and weak. I was encouraged by my boss to submit an official complaint (which I did) however the very day after I was met with 2 official complaints against me. I felt this was retaliation and this has caused me great anxiety. I am ok now but it really threw me at the time.
Become an actress!
@@jenlovesthisstuff Sorry to hear about that. :( I've dealt with similar politics and it fucking sucks.
@@jenlovesthisstuff My only suggestion would be do not back down and let your Aspergers off the leash. We can be very, very direct, brutally honest and the words we seem to be able to string together cannot be criticised, because they are true and not swearing, but god do they cut. Twice in my life I've unleashed in a perfectly flat, ice cold voice and beat someone senseless with nothing but the cold hard truth.
I take no joy in it and each time it has left me very upset afterwards, because I do not want to do it. But I've also realised in the last few years that sometimes letting the Aspergers off the leash can be a good thing. It shows people what you are made of, it makes it very clear that you will take no crap from anyone and it gains you a healthy level of respect/fear.
As I tell everyone, I am a total pussycat if you play nice and are polite and honest, but start being a ******* and I will own your ass with nothing but the truth.
I have aspergers and in the workplace i was accused of
1. Stalking
2. Sexual Harassment.
3. Getting angry easily, when it's actually the opposite.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now with the annoying questions
Co-Worker 1: Are you ok? You look like crap.
Co-Worker2: Are you ok? You seem lost or confused.
Co-Worker3: Hey...are you sick today? you have like bags underneath your eyes
Co-Worker4: Poor guy...is there anything I can do to help? Do you need a nurse or something? Do you need to go home for the day?
Co-Worker 5: Why are you so quiet?
Co-Worker 6: Why are you quiet...you ok?
::::Inside my head::::
DEAR GOD!!! I want to be treated like a human being like everyone else, but no I have to work 100 times harder just to please people....throw me a conversation about the Universe or Space time travel, and something about Dracula's History or better yet we can have long conversations about movies like Big Trouble in Little China, DragonBall, Warcraft, and anything with Jackie Chan as a badass.
Please bring up a subject I can relate too at least...heck I love cute babies too, and baby pictures...anything please!!! It can even be a topic about cars, trucks, and nature.
One more question like " Why are you so quiet?" I think I am going to go to the bathroom and scream loudly until my ears bleed and my brain won't enjoy that... just joking! See? Asperger's people can have a sense of humor too.
::SIGH::
It's actually awful to believe it. As another adult with Asperger's, I'm the classic "quiet" or even "weird" guy for almost everyone... I've got a good vocabulary, interesting topics to talk every day, but people prefers classify me with the obnoxious tag: "weird"; so I feel a bit disappointed as well.
Can definitely relate with that
So relatable it hurts
Thanks for sharing, makes me feel a lot less alone right now.
Yes! ❤hugs 🫂
I was bullied in school ruthlessly, but I've never really been bullied in my job. I make sure to the the best of the best so that even if they don't like me, they must respect my talent.
But some bullies will get jealous
You can be the best of the best and even that won’t always protect you.
That's really awful how in today's world people still don't understand autistic spectrum disorders. If someone bullies people with a physical illness this is not acceptable. Education needed.
Chris Nettleship i agree completely! There realky isnt enough education on this disorder. From personal exprience ive found that many nts often get autism confused with other disoders. I actually had a girl make fun of me right to my face but she clearly was thinking of ocd.
Well said Chris.
If more people understood what autism IS, it would cease to be a disorder.
It’s such a frustrating double-edged sword. It can truly be the key to an extraordinary life... or it can destroy you utterly... or sometimes both.
@@sallyho3000 how can it be extraordinary?
Oliver Pinkard what do you mean?
I have Schizophrenia and can really relate to everything you say, especially about having low self esteem because you've been told you're doing it wrong over and over again. If your upset about something as a child, a teacher might say "you're not supposed to be upset". Your tip about having allies makes you less of a target is true, but if they also treat you like shit it's not really a great option to hang with them.
Isolation, ostracization, and being left "on the bench" are common forms of corporate bullying.
Kids are demonized jerks in general lines. I've always being bullied because I have Asperger's and a very noticeable autistic traits, like as my introspection or introverted personality. But I can't understand how that mindless behavior can be repeated in some adults, it's just primitive and awful.
I recently left my job because I was struggling with an aggressive boss who was unwilling to make any accommodations for my situation. She was sometimes very helpful but when we were alone, she often turned aggressive and dismissive when I asked for help.
1. Have a friend.
2. Be around that friend all day.
3. Have that friend stand up for you.
4. Have that friend tell you that you're right.
Never ignore the bullying and don't tell the teacher.
the best strategy to deal with bullies is to bait them into crossing the limit once they do you report them and get them fired
How does one do that?
I have a coworker who has been passive-aggressively bullying me. The worst part about it, is no one takes it seriously. He acts like he's all sweetness. At the moment, his bullying is to ghost me. He'll only answer if I ask him a direct question, and he won't go to lunch with us if I'm going.
It is retaliation for a stupid reason. My electric screwdriver quit working. He has two at his bench, because, without asking anyone, he took an extra that wasn't being used. My boss said that I get one because we're not ordering another, as they cost $600 each. I told my coworker, pick one, or I'll pick one, up to you. He picked the rattiest, most worn one and gave it to me.
I took it with a "thanks" and no complaint. Cleaned it up, glued down the rubber grip, wrapped it with friction tape. The next day, he wants it back and wants me to take the other one. I ask him four times why, before he struggles to come up with "sentimental reasons, it is the one I've been using since I started here."
I suspect the screwdriver he kept is acting up.
I said no, and as he was walking away he exclaimed "You suck!" Which for his chosen persona, is like someone else calling me a motherf****r. He has not spoken to me unless he absolutely has to since then. Nearly a month, now.
the problem with bullies is authority tends to always side with the bully for some odd reason ..
Either they are closer to them, have a bigger backup or are just straight up better than you at debating so they sound more coherent.
Not to mention if they provoke and you react, you'll be the one who seems overdramatic.
I'm gonna go all "for some reason" on this one,too because i'm genuinly clueless to why it's the case.
It's the same when done in reverse.
Try teasing someone, if they complain they'll be the ones blamed.
By the authority i mean. Not by his/her friends.
The friends will always be on their side.
I immigrated from one country to another and had 3 incumbent idiots in my team of 6 bully me for a year! The operations manager and another director knew what was going on but did nothing to them nor me (the bullies were trying to get me fired by withholding information, claiming I wasn't falling protocol, etc.) The ONLY thing that saved me was 2 women who came to my defence: 1 became a trusted confident after she came to me saying she knew what they were doing. She played a key role in confirming my belief that it was THEM not ME and supplying me with information etc. The other was a long-term employee who had left the company & returned; she immediately spotted it and told me that she'd reviewed all my work and that I was actually outperforming the idiots and that was likely why they were out to get me. Neither of these women though were actually able to stop it, so I quit and thanks to the 2nd one, got good references (she was able to influence THAT). I honestly think that's all you can do: leave - they don't appreciate you, so to hell with them.
Bee Climbing exactly that’s the conclusion I’ve reached due to 20+ years of personal experiences
Very true, I find leaving was all that would work.
I am a victim and empath and on the Autism spectrum/ adults make the worst bullies .. i suffering a bully right now..
I've been dealing with this in my current workplace and one of the most traumatising things is that the person who was bullying me accused ME of bullying her. She said I was "disrespecting" her because I don't make eye contact and things like that. She's now my manager, and I have real trouble articulating why she's bullying me, but it's so many little things which make me think she actively hates me. It's awful.
Hahahahaha! Oh dreaded world! My weakness... Eye Contact. That usage by your manager, accusing you of being a bully when you can't make eye contact, thou managers character definitely ought to be the subject of Greek Plays... Assuming that you are indeed what I think you are, let all four Humours of your Managers Living Body Rot!
Bullies are very sick individuals who need psychiatric help themselves. They are the ones that are actually incompetent not the people they perpetrate on
Quit girl
Bullying by avoiding eye contact? Your manager said that? You should have it in writing, and talk to a lawyer who's aware of the characteristics of the spectrum disorders!
Newly aware aspie here. The bullying started in 1st grade, and I still have to deal with it occasionally 50 years later. You are correct: Ignoring it or appealing to a higher authority usually makes it worse. Depending on the bully and the situation I encounter it in, I've used one of two strategies quite effectively: 1) Remove myself completely from the situation and go no contact with the person. This might be seen as a form of ignoring the abuse, but it's not - you are actively removing the offending person from your life. This can come at a very high cost if it involves family members or your work or close circle of friends. In those situations I use method #2) Confront the bully with their abuse in a public setting where others can see for themselves what the bully is up to. On the playground this often meant violence was the result, or at least the threat of it. The bully would push, shove, or hit me. I'd put up with it for a while as I am slow to anger - mainly because once I do, it's scorched earth time. I once beat a bigger kid who had been bullying me for months with my metal lunch box in 3rd grade. He never so much as looked at me again after that. As I got older this strategy continued to work - much to my surprise. Sometimes it resulted in a fist fight (or worse) usually however the bully backed down before that point (and always after it) . This led me to conclude that bullies are fundamentally cowards: Stand up for yourself, and they fold like a cheap suit. As an adult bullying tactics tend to be as you describe - more indirect, insidious, and political. It's always about power, and as an aspie with an extraordinarily high IQ and gifts (along with serious deficits) in numerous areas, I'm always seen as threat by someone in the workplace. With co-workers, direct confrontation often got them off my back, but with superiors, I was screwed. As an aspie I have great difficulty reading social cues, and I find politics idiotic and baffling, so your strategy of building friendships is a lot like telling a cripple to run a marathon. I did best as a college professor, but eventually fell victim to departmental politics even there.
Too bad settling things with bullies with your fists and or high powered assault rifles is frowned upon in professional settings. Guess you gotta learn to be manipulative, building friendships as a power play and use passive aggressive tactics if you wanna climb the corporate ladder. Luckily, I'm retired now.... ;-)
What you have experienced is the hive. The hive of communal narcissists. In occult circles it would be the egregore. Seems as if everyone instantaneously decided you are excommunicated from the group? That's because they are group thinkers. One big egregore. Find the psychopath manipulating the egregore. The others are just flying monkeys.
@@mht2166fascinating thank you! ❤
Thank you for this. I used to work at DQ. I quit about 6months into it because I just couldn't take it anymore. I busted my ass trying to be the best cook and team member but it seemed like from the beginning everyone was in cliques and treated me different because I looked different than them and also, I told the manager during my interview that I have anxiety and I guess he decided to tell everyone at work because they kept asking me what anxiety was. I thought to myself, these people don't know what anxiety is?? They also would kinda follow me around to be nosey when I was on my break. My manager also knew I know spanish and would speak to me in spanish when we were alone but then say things in front of the crowd like "white girl wasted" and go "oh, sorry lex" my manager also said things like "have you ever been in a fight?" And when I would be alone washing dishes he'd say "why are you not talking to anyone?" I was like, um because there's no one back here? Then when my shift was done, my manager knew I had to rush from work to get my kids, the other manager would make me take the trash out even when other people offered to do it so I could leave sooner. She would specifically make me do it. No one seems to truly understand how awful my experience there felt. So, I don't talk about it. Glad I watched this. I don't feel like it's all in my head, now.
Your gentle character is so admirable, the world needs more people like you :) good job for speaking out too!
Every workplace I've been in, I've been bullied. As soon as they see that I'm unassertive and just get on with my duties. The usual social dynamics of competition and striving to impress and dominate doesn't figure in my life so I seem a nice, soft target.
Same thing happened to me at my job, I ended up telling my personal stuff to a coworker who I thought was my friend and it backfired. Everyone at my job knew my business because I lived with my co workers daughter in the same house and their children ended up opening my mail. She was so mad that I made a big deal out of it and said it could be anyone and that I needed to be more empathetic. Ever since then it made me feel worthless and I ended up leaving that job. Co workers were having staff meetings without me and hanging out without me, it made me try to impress people I internally hated because I thought they were rejects like me. It’s just a stupid ego thing and I’m happy I don’t work there anymore ! Thanks for this video and knowing I’m not alone
When I was bullied (a physical threat) I skipped HR and went to the local Human Rights Commission office. There was only one worker and he had already heard from my manager. Small town scam. He ruled I was wasting my time because I didn't have a case.
It just now occurred to me that my boss (my so-called friend) was the one who tipped off my manager.
Thanks for listening.
Things do happen for a reason, I've found. Stay in your happiness. You deserve it. I'm absolutely certain you work hard for the money. 👏 👏 👏
I love when co-workers deliberately withhold information from you then get angry at you for not knowing that information you otherwise would have no way of knowing. Also when they purposefully "misspeak" or use very nuanced jargon then later berate you for not having understood them.
Absolutely right people are usually too cowardly to bully someone through direct animosity, they really are so weak minded that all of their bullying is covert, it speaks volumes about how pathetic most people of this nature are, this is why most people who bully me in this way either fail to get the reaction they want from me or they will be embarassed by me, which may sound cringe worthy but once you learn how narcissistic people behave it is very easy to do this and yes I am being serious, of someone is covertly bullying you so long as you learn how to bait them out i.e tap them on the back or use leverage to force them to lose their vacade and in no time their power is gone, specifically focus on finding any behavioural flaws or insecurities they have, not to say you should bully the bully however if you want someone like this to stop bullying you, play attention to what sets them off and decipher what they may be insecure about of which is likely the route cause of their bullying, then if they ignore you by remaining silent to intentionally exacerbate you for example when confronting them about something, simply try and expose them based on an insecurity of theirs and watch them lose their self control then remain silent yourself, so you can then use this as leverage against them to make them stop and in most cases generally speaking they will.
I co-managed an office with a rather overbearing co-manager. He was thirsty for power and it was a constant chore to keep him from bullying and offending others, let alone trying to convince him that the upper management approved of my judgment to send him home when he stepped too far over the line. Needless to say, there were many ill natured practical jokes and gaslighting events. It was during my time working at the office that one of the interns actually began spreading their own diagnosis of my disorder, which later on I came to agree with her conclusion. Though her assessment was fairly accurate, I suffered more challenges trying to contain the rumor now going around that I was high functioning. This rumor was quickly picked up by the co-manager. I resigned my position and since have only held one other job where I had to interview. Good to see someone bringing more awareness to this issue!
I understand you so much. My dad bullied and torched me so bad. It was worse cause I didn't understand them
I didn't realise that the workplace bullying thing was an autism thing. I've only ever had two "real" jobs and been relentlessly bullied in both. When I was 18 I got a job in Lidl and another coworker made my life hell. I ended up so stressed out about it I got signed off and didn't work for years. Then I got a job as a vet nurse and was just picked on constantly by almost everyone in the practice. If anything went wrong it was my fault. If I did something the way one person showed me, another person would purposely come find me to berate me for not doing it *their* way. I honestly couldn't win and between the other staff giving me grief and clients giving me abuse for the vet bills, I had quite a few meltdowns in the toilets. I was only really happy when I was self employed, I absolutely loved being self employed. I only got my diagnosis a few months ago so everything's been falling into place. If I'm well enough to get back to work I'll definitely be self employed again.
In the UK this is so normal, it is a blame culture. It is awful. I hated working in the UK
This has happened to me quite often throughout my life (especially in high school), it's unfortunate but it happens. I used to think it would happen less when I got older but sadly that's not always the case. I sometimes feel partly responsible because " I let it happen to me " instead of standing up for myself. In high school I had a 'friend' (was not my friend, just fake all along) who I thought would stand up for me but she never did, she sometimes watched and laughed with the other bullies secretly as they did what they usually did to me with no remorse. It's a good strategy to have a network to help you but it's not always easy. Sometimes I used to fantasize about standing up for myself and just confronting them but that then there's the other thought that it might all very likely backfire, and they will turn my actions of self defense against me and paint me as the crazy one instead of them? As a last resort, I would leave that environment altogether if it does not serve me and my goals, and just in case get a Lawyer , a good one, LOL!
Another topic that I hope you will bring up in the near future is about narcissistic abuse being inflicted on victims/survivors with Aspergers syndrome, as people with Aspergers are often very easy targets for them, and because I have experienced this kind of abuse myself several times in my life.
At last!!! Someone who echoes my belief that aspires cop narcissists more. ( Although it's also logical if you consider that most bullies are narcissistic). But I also suspect that aspires have narcissists in their family of origin, and that this complicates things by conditioning the aspie to feel badly about themselves... Setting them up for more/more overt abuse in the wider world. ...in any case, I recommend the following: read up on codependency and shame (Darlene Lancer is good); also I have found good help from emotion based work like NARP by Melanie Tonya Evans ( she does examples of these on RUclips) and also Focusing, and Inner Child therapies (both are covered in NARP). Also, on RUclips Dr Les Carter is excellent! He has some goid books also.
This video made me physically sick and stressed to watch. This happened to me. It gave me terrible stress, which led to stomach issues and my executive function getting worse and worse, which then made the bullying worse
Thank you for sharing and so eloquently breaking down the situation.
I'm sorry this happened to you too
Yes you literally nailed this one! At school my bullies would do these little minute things that kept them off the radar.
May I make another suggested approach to the workplace etc bullies that might be worth trying (especially on those passive aggressive, fake smiled, dismissive, social-group controlling, ostracizing types that are so common in the workplace/school yard)? Labeling their behavior directly and publicly, but without any reactive emotion, in a clinical way, like a psychologist would in a calm, matter-of-fact way. For example, the supervisor who dismisses/ignores - at the next staff meeting where the supervisor’s boss is attending, and when asked if there are any issues or problems, put your hand up and say something like the following: “I understand that everyone is doing their best with their respective workloads, however, for some time now, I have observed a work dynamic between some individuals which is unhealthy and unproductive to achieving all of our business goals. I think these individuals may be having difficulties with knowing how to communicate respectfully and meaningfully to people from diverse backgrounds. Accordingly, I have proactively developed some workplace communication protocols that I think will really help the office work dynamic continuously improve and give guidance to those individuals who may forget that we are all here to work as TEAM, in cooperation and collaboration with each other, for the betterment our company’s mission, and in accordance with appropriate social values that respect everyone’s contributions”. At this point, you may be tempted to just sit back smugly and enjoy the offenders gob-smacked jaws being opened that you even spoke up about their behavior issue (let alone had the confidence to give a little mini speech lecturing them about it), but you shouldn’t delay - whip out your communication protocol info graphic you previously prepared, which EXPLICITLY lists offending social behavior vs inclusive social behaviors, and make sure you give it to the big boss only (at first). The info graphic should be clear and explicit with only two columns headed “Expected Appropriate, Effective and Productive Social Communication Behaviors in the Workplace” and the contrasting “Unproductive and Unhealthy Social Communication Behaviors Not Welcome in the Workplace”. Each column should briefly but clearly display and describe what message you want that bully to get! Eg. Appropriate/positive behavior you want to emphasize should be on left column might read “Respectfully invites, includes and considers all team members ideas and feedback”; while the contrasting negative/inappropriate behavior example should also be explicitly listed “Disrespectfully ignores, excludes, and dismisses team members”. These are just some quick examples but my point is to LABEL their inappropriate behaviors OUT LOUD and PUBLICLY in a calm matter of fact tone as if you are speaking to a petulant, immature child who is used to getting what they want and/or feels like they are ‘better’ than everyone else. Be aware that often times, NTs don’t even realize their behaving like arrogant 💩 because they were raised by similar parents, and were never called out for their behaviors by parents, teachers, peers, society etc and do continue to behave in this way. Only other point you might want to consider before using this approach is checking that the offender doesn’t have ADHD or ASD themselves which means their ignoring, dismissing behaviors might just be a symptom of their own that we have in turn not recognized in them. Either way, making an explicit tool (A3 posters on every office wall should do it! 😄), would benefit ALL the humans by reminding them to be kinder, more tolerant, inclusive, and respectful of others! PS: Sorry for the essay folks, it’s how my brain works 😬
"build your social network, find a friend" - I agree that's the best defence, but.... isn't that also the most difficult thing for the AS person to do? The AS person's struggles with building and maintaining social networks may even be a significant factor in the 'oddness' or 'otherness' that led to the bullying (as you suggest/allude to).
It's good advice, yet it also seems to have a hard-to-crack, even unbreakable, circular dependency. Do you have advice elsewhere on that?
Yep, it´s like telling a person on a wheelchair to walk.
And even if you are as neurotypical as it gets, there´s still the problem the people in the work already know each other and are friends with each other and you are the new one who knows noone, which puts you into disadvantage by default.
Doesn't need to be a friend at work, but I can recommend finding others who are like you, you will likely get on really well.
For me my talent for dealing with crap that neuro typical normal people sometimes throw is quite simple. Zero tolerance. I take no crap from anyone and I care not who the hell you think you are. If you persist, then I will warn you about the aspergers and how you do not want me to let it off the leash and unleash the truth on you.
Usually a few cutting, but truthful remarks gets the message across, but occasionally a good rant to someone else works.
I would say start fighting back and if other people turn on you(they most likely will) just find a way to convince some unsuspecting third party that you are right(gather some evidence, win the debate).
Find a way, something to hold onto so you're alone.
Maybe an authority figure.
Even though it's not easy, keep trying. If you found me or someone like me, you'd find an ally and hopefully vice versa. I'm adhd, so I am also the odd woman out. I can typically make some friends at work, but there are others who ignore me too. At least my boss likes me. So, I work 12-14 hr a day to make up for my lack of focus... but still other members of my team see me distracted during the day, and hate me, but they leave at 5pm and don't see me at work at 10pm... my boss knows and is trying to help me not have to do that anymore.
I do have a few asbi friends. I miss my x-boyfriend who is asbies... one of my coworkers has an asbie sister, so she's also super understanding, and one of my friends.
Oh my god YES. I feel like (apart from my last job working with people with learning difficulties which I loved) this has been most if not all the jobs I've had in the past. One job in particular sacked me because I was depressed and I had asked them to explain things to me more than once so I can understand the process etc. It was in an office and it was full of judgey girls who ignored me and whispered behind my back. Hated it. Support/care work is ideal for aspies as its usually 1-1 and there's no pressure to be popular with your colleagues cos you're usually a lone worker. No office parties/excruciating office gatherings as everyone works shifts hahah
My home care work is what keeps me sane (along with sport) for the reasons you have said, and I really do love it. Sometimes I have to care for nasty people but they are less than 1% and I can be excused from them, I work for a caring company, and most of my clients are like friends. None of the other girls wants to be friends outside work and occasionally I hear of they have had parties, nights out together, etc. If I ever lose this job I think I would go straight to the gutter, as the older I get (54) the harder it all gets, I couldn't do interviews or work in an office with people again.
Anna Moomin Hi there. I too have been in that situation. It's like looking through frosted glass. x
That sounds like my own work experience. Most employers have never wanted to train me at all. The only work I have been commended on , is work I've been responsible for on my own.
I'm a civil engineer... I'd think engineers would be more open and friendly. I'm not asbies, but adhd. I do have some asbie friends, not at work that I know of, but one of the ladies I am friends with said her sister is asbies, so I've shared about my adhd a little with her.
I'm dealing with bullying at work now it's so humiliating and frustrating it's like I can't escape it no matter what I try and do.
At age 62, I am giving-up.
@@leecmh I'm 23 and I want to give up now.
I’ve been bullied my whole life even at work bosses tends to underestimate me and make me feel invisible and unimportant... I have high functional autism but sometimes I can’t even get up from bed an face the world cuz my anxiety takes the best of me and I get left with not energy for the rest of the day.
Hey Ethan, it's been four years, I'm sorry you experienced what you did. I ended up leaving a position for a similar reason. How do you end up solving that issue?
I was bullied out of my first job - I did an exchange program across the country working on a farm. I was entirely new to everything and needed alot of training, along with my partner, but my boss was not direct enough with his explanations and there were alot of misunderstandings and interpretations of rudeness cause of my ASD. Every time I messed something up I was absolutely crippled with fear until he found out, and I was often verbally abused by him. I always blamed myself, even though my coworker was also new and made just as many mistakes and didn't get nearly the same treatment. Whenever we had meetings and I tried to express my feelings he would invalidate me and dismiss me, and I was so afraid and insecure I would often find it difficult to speak because I wanted to cry. To this day I am still conflicted about it and find it hard to not blame myself for the way I was treated when I made mistakes. I knew it was his business and problems were expensive so I always felt immense guilt and pressure. I've had the same issues with communication of tasks in other physical labour jobs and not being given explicit enough directions, but not nearly to the degree of bullying and abuse I received that first time.
Fortunately my self esteem cannot be lowered at this point in my life. Being cheery and seeing them triggered by me just enjoying my own company really helps me to see that the issue was never with me
I can relate entirely to your experience of bullying in the workplace - I have experienced the same in several different jobs. I am almost 50 years old and awaiting an appointment with a specialist to assess whether I have aspergers or not, but all the information I have read about the condition suggests that I am an Aspie.
I think the problem of bullying stems from society having a very narrow expectation of what constitutes 'normal' behaviour, so that any deviation from those acceptable 'norms' brings people like us into conflict with the group dynamic - even if we are not actually doing anything overtly wrong in the context of what is expected of us within the workplace or in the wider social environment. For example, I do a lot of walking in open spaces on my own, and many times I have had uncomfortable experiences when encountering others walking in groups, they tend to look frightened or adopt an aggressive persona and appear to think that there is something sinister or weird about a lone male walking in the open countryside, which is why I seek out the remotest places I can find. People have even made rude comments.
I have digressed slightly, but I think this problem is particularly an issue with superficial groupings of people, like in the workplace where people are forced into associating with others they wouldn't ordinarily choose to associate with. These relationships are formed on the basis of shared individual survival interest - i.e., the need to earn a wage, and not on the basis of any communal feeling or even personal enjoyment of each others company, although some people can and do often form strong bonds with each other at work. Organic relationships are formed when people find some personal common ground and goals upon which they can begin to relate to each other. However, in the workplace people have to develop relationships with work colleagues they are not particularly attracted to as a potential friend or even like as an individual, so they often form common bonds not on the basis of reciprocal appreciation of each other but on the basis of whom it is acceptable to demonize within the workplace without negatively impacting upon productivity - the individual that doesn't fit into the required group dynamic. The person that doesn't socially fit in becomes a dehumanised 'other', a situation that justifies the covert bullying methods often employed within the workplace and used to reinforce the notion of that individuals unsuitability. The nature of this situation becomes like a roving spotlight, so that once the dehumanised 'other' is forced out, a suitable replacement is required to help sustain the group dynamic of the workplace. This could be the victim's replacement, which is why starting a new position is often so daunting, but if the new employee is socially adept and skilled at inter-personal manipulation they can work their way into the social pecking order and a new 'other' will be required to maintain the status quo.
People are consciously/subconsciously aware of this dynamic, but the notion of the 'others' unsuitability for the role they were employed to do becomes part of a necessary group disingenuousness. Any individual that dares to speak out by suggesting that the latent aggressive behaviour of the group directed against the individual was unwarranted, unfair and amounted to bullying, is in danger of becoming the next 'other' themselves, which is why such behaviour is generally accepted in the vast majority of workplaces and never defined as bullying. This is why I prefer speaking to people on their own and working in smaller groups.
I swear, I have been bullied at the last 3 workplaces that I've been at. I started at a new job about 5 months ago, and they all seem to be very nice at first. But there's always that one that likes to take advantage of someone like ME, who tries to always be kind to people, and doesn't like to fight back. I will never understand someone's desire to pick on someone (or gaslight somebody, and then laugh at them so they walk away). Just because I am different, doesn't mean that someone needs to be rude and manipulative. I am telling you though; if this job turns to shit, I am just going to find a way to work for myself and sell my art. No more fudging workplaces!
I hate bullies, but when you meet people who are nice and understanding and get you it's 100% worth it. I feel like people with autism are almost like a litmus test for people's hearts.
I can relate everything you have said. I feel how soft and gentle you are inside. I am like that too. People with dirty mind want to destroy that.
This video made me cry, from the painful memories
Oh man I have been bullied so much in my life. Like a lot! I still have neighbors that patronize me with wanting to set me off because their sound levels is too bombarding for my hearing. Still at 52 bullies still pops up. I discovered to totally treat them like they don't exist is the least effort on me and dissolves quicker.
I don't know if I qualify as an Aspie or not, it's looks like I have all the symptoms and was bullied at school, I realize why know its because I was different. After watching a couple of Bruce Lee movies in high school I decided to take up martial arts and I've done a lot of different styles since that time. Since then, I've been hit, kicked and thrown more times than you could possibly count, most martial artist don't judge you on your personality, but, on your work ethic and getting up again, it is the one hobby where effort does count. After many years in one of those martial arts I got a black belt - and do you know what that black belt does, you walk a little different, you approach things a little different, anyone who tries bully you don't seem to matter as much because ... well, what are they going to do. The potential bully ceases to matter because you don't fear them and you certainly don't respect them, it's quite liberating.
I recently came out about my bullying and I talk about how acting saved me. That's the amazing thing about being an Aspie, we can reinvent ourselves to be mentally immune to psychological abuse. It's like we're Human ver 9.0. I made myself into a movie character and I was never bullied again.
The great thing about studying martial arts even if you're a klutz is that you can arrange little accident's that cannot be proven. I just love to see the look on the little jerks face. They get the message real quick!
I tried that, but I am very small boned, and really detested the sparring. No classmates would partner with me, so I had to try to spar, my first times ever, with my giant, black belt teacher. I always feared accidentally hitting too hard, and being seriously hurt in return. I'm a vocalist, with perfect pitch, tho. I have earned respect for my actual gift of being able to read music, and learn it almost instantly. I used to ask FB friends to challenge me with Smule karaoke app suggestions, which I would learn and be able to sing as if I knew the songs within 3 hours. As for randos... I have become like a little wolverine. If I'm touched dangerously, the person will regret it, because I lose my ability to control myself. That's really not a good thing, especially combined with alcohol and a loved one.
Can you start up a anti Autistic bulling group, and have a gang of black belts ready to STRIKE! what shall we call it?
brilliant, my nephew is five years old and he does karate, will be great for him before the bullying starts
I beat them up outside of work. I know it's not a good way to deal with it, but it stopped the bullying and I never felt bad about going that route.
I had a very similar experience with a team 'leader' in what could have been a pivotal role in my career. The whole environment was toxic and led me to leave very quickly after causing an enormous stink and exposing a few key people for the suckers they were. Financially, career wise, it set me back possibly years. But at least I walked away with my head high. That's a gift we maybe have; to cut through the BS without fear.
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Love the content mate, you deserve alot more views. The issues you talk about here are too real. It really made me reflect on a few things in my life. Particularly in the last 3 years where i have just recently been asked to resign from a job due to "not connecting with the fellow staff" Despite no discipline issues, no performance issues and an outstanding work ethic. 2.5 Years without a sick day. Its now occurred to me that what they were doing is a form of bullying.
Thanks Alex!
I'm going through this right now. 3.5 years of this exact behavior.
Have you thought about telling them you have Aspergers and if they don’t change their attitude you could take them to the anti discrimination commission.
3-4 years was my shelf life at all my jobs, I worked twice as hard as my coworkers. All my bosses would take advantage of my ADHD then discard me as soon as I got injured or as soon as as I trained my replacement. Now I can't work or get social security. Boo hoo
This is serious injustice we have been through. Chronically. ❤
Low self esteem from bullying can continue forever it seems.... 😕
This video was reassuring but at the same time kinda sad. Not everyone had a friend to rely on in the "better suggestion", or if they did, sometimes that friend feels bad themselves and leaves before the aspie does. What do they do then? Very sad to see that work systems are stacked against someone with autism through victim blaming. Work places love playing the "it's your perception" card. I hope that this attitude changes someday but of course, businesses are always looking out for themselves and pandering to unfair standards.
Not having a friend to rely on is sad in any situation, but even more so with bullying. Friends make everything easier (and lack of them makes everything harder!)
Aspergers from the Inside...Yout don't need friends to feel good about yourself or less of a person if you don't have any...Iit's all about liking yourself first and foremost...same thing with having a relationship. Friends and relationships are great, but if it doesn't happen or it's not happening at the moment, you can still like yourself and do things and go places...You don't NEED people to complete you. You need to be complete and possibly people will show up that feel the same way. Friends and relationships are not the be all, end all to personal happiness...Kinda made it sound that way by your comment!
Makes sense. I definitely wasn't trying to say that relationships are the be and and and all :)
I didn't think it was the be all to rely on friends to cope at work,but it was the main/only suggestion given. People can have a sole work friend who was able to move jobs to get out of the work environment before the autistic person. If this is all they have as an option to cope in the toxic environment, then I can assure you, it can mean another person on the spectrum out of work since can be dismissed on grounds of capability. It's especially difficult if they're someone waiting for autism assessment.
My 14 yr old son has dealt with a lot of bullying at school, mostly the verbal kind or rejection. I remind him every day that the jerks who are rude to him at school are like sandpaper and he's wood...someday they will be all used up, and he'll be polished and shiny. Small consolation of course. I also remind him that bullies are always the ones with the real mental issues. That's why they bully others, because their own self-esteem is so crappy that they want to make others feel just as bad as the bullies feel about themselves. Thankfully he is very careful about his online socializing and doesn't have any social media accounts, so at least he doesn't have to deal with the new form of cyber bullying.
I was also bullied in school verbally by a couple of popular cheerleaders who sat beside me in history class. I ignored them so much they seemed to believe I was partially deaf and they only took to making snide comments about me even louder to each other when the teacher wasn't around to hear. Now I've heard they're high school teachers, and I honestly shudder at the thought of them being paid to guide teens on ANY subject.
I was bullied at a workplace as well - there were 3 or 4 people who were really into publicly criticizing me for completely unwarranted reasons. For sharing an honest opinion, for the way I chose to arrange my desk, or even for jokes I made. It was always with the same attitude - that I was incompetent or stupid. It went on for about three years and really affected my life. Outside of work I was irritable, and it made it that much harder to connect with my friends, so I lost some friends. It started a total downward spiral. :( (Also on the spectrum) ... BUT I’ve done some recovery from it recently. It did take years to start to rebuild.
By expecting others to stand up for you, you are completely disempowering yourself, and put yourself in a hopelessly dependent situation. The only solution I have found is that you must learn how to stand up for yourself, or to navigate away from the people who are the problem. Standing up for yourself must be done with inner calm, strength and courage--and you can't fake it--you must actually have courage in order to project it calmly. Avoiding problematic people must be done with courage and self assurance. You are essentially turning the tables on them and sending the message that you do not like them, and that they do not meet YOUR standards. This requires that you feel comfortable with yourself, and that you would rather be alone than listen to them babble like 13 year olds. It is strange, but when you ignore these kinds of people, it often so freaks them out that they will then suddenly change their tune and try to be nice to you. They are cowardly.
john fink even when you stand up for yourself it makes no difference
Lol that’s what happens to people in my shared house who picked on me. I slammed the emotional door and moved out and damn. They changed their tune ahaha
At work though...... it’s different. It doesn’t work.
I fully agree. Standing up for yourself is the only working strategy. If all else fails, a good punch in the nose always makes a big difference! They're not going to like you, but they're going to respect you. Show them that you can do at least as much harm to them, as they can do to you, or more! They're going to stop bullying you and look for another victim, who doesn't stand up for him/herself, and whom they can bully without consequences.
If you ignore them, it gets worse.
Just tell them to fuck off or you're gonna have a problem after work.
You didn't get it, did you? As the "weird" one out, you'll be measured by another set of standards. Standing up for yourself will be seen by the higher-ups as being aggressive and complicated, hence the stories about people making formal complaints only to be slapped back with two or three the very next day. Also, bullies rarely are alone. They compensate by manipulating a horde, so you won't be standing 1 vs. 1 but rather 1 vs. 3+. Again, HR would rather sack one person even if they were the victim than having to suddenly replace a whole bunch who usually have been working there for longer and thus whose replacements would cost more to update. And that's why you need to join a group of NTs as soon as possible - they, not you, will be measured by the same standards as the bullies.
I think the best strategy is to know what you want and know who you are and be comfortable with discomfort. Once you do that, you become like a bullet. You don't care if people don't like you, and if someone tries to get in the way of what you want you root them out with an iron fist or you simply leave and take a different path.
Become unstoppable. Move like water.
Thank you for sharing your insights! I don't have Aspergers (or at least I don't think I do) but the behaviour you describe can be experienced by anyone who is a loner, or just slightly different through circumstances, or suffering low self-confidence. It is an unlovely facet of human social dynamics, and requires real awareness to deal with.
Eilidh Benedetti they always seem to have one set of rules for those on the spectrum and another for everyone else so it’s bs
Hi@@Dancestar1981, Thank you for your reply! I get what you're saying, but consider the following: namely that it's called a spectrum because it covers every permutation between two extreme poles. We are all somewhere in it. I think we can in fact be on different points on different bandwidths of parallel spectra at the same time. Most of us are not completely autistic, or completely narcissistic, because we have been influenced by many different personality profiles throughout our development. Again, - most of us. Those on more extreme ends of such a spectrum may be more caught up in their particular fix, and may need more help to find some kind of balance. Models and analogies help us to better understand what is happening to us.
I had friends, i tried to protect both myself and them, HR not only dod nothing but disclosed the confidential email to the 2 bullying managers and told us it was only our thoughts and imagination. No one stood up for me and the friends were gone. I am fighting legally all alone.
Thank you for this video. You have described my current situation at work. I have started to develop my social circle at work and a colleague pointed out without being prompted that they had noticed I was being targeted and given a rough time compared to the rest of the team, despite working hard and doing my job. I thought it was me and I was the problem but I am slowly realising that isn't always the case. Sorry you had to go through this too.
The example of being deprived of work and ignored is a definite story of bullying. The fact it went for so long says more about the malignant pathopsychology of the boss than you.
Sorry for the spam but that bit where you said we have low self esteem cos of people telling us were doing everything wrong socially etc.. Ouch, right in the feels. I feel like even though I might be doing a great performance I probably do seem weird or awkward etc and I have a hard time believing my boyfriend when he says I did well at a social event cos it's been hammered into me from a young age that I'm a weirdo haha its HORRID
yeah wow. it can take a long time to get over that. but it is possible to slowly realise we're better at it than we thought :)
How do we improve self esteem? If my self esteem was improved i would be so successful. But self belief and low self esteem can limit me. And also needing explicit instructions. Im getting better but wish this came natural to me
Yeah, same here. This is so therapeutic right now. I was called in by my college professor because he said there was something wrong with me: too much talent, no self esteem. I still don't believe him, I think he was just being nice cause nobody liked me in college...excpet the lecturers a bit.
I often wonder how common rejection dysphoria is in autistic adults.
I have realized recently that I even EXPECT rejection... I am rarely disappointed in this, but I suspect some of it is, in fact, my own doing.
@nai nai Being on the spectrum is not limited to men. It presents differently in everyone, and in different ways for women. Now that they're discovering this, more women are being diagnosed. Look at the presentations by Sarah Hendrickx on youtube, and many others. Personally, I would never question anyone's diagnosis, especially someone I don't know.
I agree with the advice but finding people that will stand with you is more difficult than it sounds. Most people are worms and will side with whichever side is winning so the minute they smell blood, they jump on the band wagon against you.
Omg, a boss who literally wouldnt respond to emails from me. She was so ablist and pretended like she was so caring but then undermined me and then actively tried to get rid of me.
Great information! Sorry that you experienced the bullying that you did at work. Being ignored and socially ostracized can be the absolute worst feeling.
thanks!
I was also tormented for about 8 months, the boss' favourite 3 guys knew how to get me angry and I explained to everyone long beforehand that I have aspergers. Unfortunately all this did was embolden these guys to go after me with precision. Thankfully I left and lead a happier life while they stayed and turned on each other as opportunistic predators do. Love the video though! I wish we could all just work with each other instead :(
I've had one or two managers who have given me the "silent treatment" and I've been frustrated by not being given work to do, and at the opposite end of the scale I've been at one company in particular where I was overworked, given no support or help, then called useless because I couldn't keep up. That job drove me (literally) insane and I quit. And that was when I got my Asperger's diagnosis.
You'll never change this especially in competitive environments. I'm a gen x aspe who survived years in multiple industries and they call in communism if they are forced to not impede on others. This was before the Trump glutton era too..
Welp. This video answered a few questions that haunted me for years.
Edit: quite painful.
Thank you for sharing this video ❤
I would walk into work on night shift and my work place was always sabotaged. It didn’t do any good to ask them to stop. They found pleasure in knowing I couldn’t do my job and I had to figure it out. Quite often I did figure it out and if I fixed it I would be asked to not do it again. Broken equipment in an automotive manufacturing plant isn’t just stupid it’s dangerous. People were getting injured and they just covered it up. Upper management didn’t ever go out to know what was happening so they just believed the ones causing the problems and most were team leaders. When you have enough people in a union who are leading it and they’re bullies you end up having a choice of staying or leaving. Sometimes leaving is the better choice.
I finally found the perfect video that reflects my case. I am going through the same issue at my current job and its accelerating really fast, I am actually getting teamed up on for standing up for myself. One time I had a mini meltdown during my lunch break at the self check and my employers used that against me to continue to beat me down more. They use all my flaws against me to control me and they continue to enforce their power onto me and they want me to bow down and heel. I have been guilt tripped up the aaa. It has caused me great depression and anxiety, and I am having a nervous breakdown.
This is why bullying needs to stop!
Don't give up. If you can't find support at work, then at least finding some out of work might help to keep you sane :)
Call in & use your sick days. And when it comes time to quit, don’t even give them a notice or a call.
@@zamzamwater8749 I was left with that only option, and I am happier.
I used to work at a Doctor's Office in Riverhead. Regularly enough, Nurse Jane Grenga would yell at me to find a patient chart She Needed, and all the time The Patient Chart was at the bottom of a messy pile on the nurse's desk right in front of her! Jane and the other nurse's were big on yelling at me to find them a patient. Chart, rather THAN keeping their Piles of charts neat, so They could see what patient charts were right in front of them!
I dealt with this for months from the middle of 2021 to 2022. I work for a small company in a rural town that is ignorant and think all of these conditions are just mind over matter or don’t even exist in the first place. I can think of at least 2 other people I work with who are also targets. We are shamed for working slower than the others and made fun of as if we are just lesser people or less intelligent. There are no resources for people like us. I tried to contact a law firm, but they never returned my call. I’m looking for a different job, but it’s hard to find another job that would pay the same or better. I hope those of you who have found understanding know that you are quite blessed.
I have just recently discovered your videos and I really enjoy them. Thank you for being so honest and real and they do help me as I have no-one to discuss Aspergers with. One thing I would like to comment on regarding the strategy mentioned at the end of this one is that there have been many times at work when there is no 'friend' to get on my side when being bullied.
In general life, I now have no real friends left. the last two that I have known for many years ended up being passive aggressive, scoffing at perfectly legitimate, things I say, perhaps experiences I have had, which cannot, therefore, be misbelieved, and always considering themselves to be superior to me. Then they have the cheek to criticise me for having low self-esteem! I had to give up these friends. I have acquaintances at the sports club, work (now) etc but no-one would dream of giving me their phone number or inviting me to anything. Many people hate me on sight and I don't know why.
My final comment is that I was emotionally and psychologically abused by my mother as a child and teenager, constant criticism, shaming and ostracising. I wonder how much my being disliked by others is due to this and what I am unintentionally showing to them, and how much is from Aspergers.
are u me? im having almost all of your issues as well. wondering how much of it is from narcissistic abuse and how much from just being an aspie and dealing w/ unending rejection and scorn......some of both? i feel cursed
I do not have Autism or Aspergers [ Or at least I don't think I have it but my oldest daughter does have Autism ] but I do have Bipolar Disorder and I'm not always as self aware as I should be and my last job was hell on earth due to bullying. The world does not look too kindly at people who are different than what is perceived as normal.
I was bullied severely when I was doing my apprenticeship
I've had a number of bullies from a number of jobs and in each instance I've had to fight back any way I could only succeeding after I left the company.
It trips me out when ppl think they can talk about me within ear shot thinking I dont notice. Sometimes i just look at people, letting them know I'm listening now, and they either stop, leave, talk more quietly or less obvious.
I can kinda tell when ppl r talking about me. Cuz when I do look at them they're already looking at me. But whether they keep talking or not I just go back to my work.
Plus I work for a temp agency, where ppl that hire me will say "here's a shovel now dig". Just a few days ago these contractors were openly laughing and making fun of me and I couldn't do shit about it except walk out 15 min early for lunch. I almost cried right there and was tempted to just leave. But I went back knocked it all out and was more courteous, even offering more assistance to those guys n they didnt know how to respond lol That was the realization for me that I'm not dumb, just different and I finally get it lol
Btw love ur vids I just found I'm on the spectrum (an older friend who has a son on the spectrum told me) and so many things in my life are starting to make sense.
its because they think no one else is paying attention or they just don't care people are cruel they'll do anything to break you and make you feel inferior
Your experience is very understandable; people are so ignorant sometimes! I also love how, when I tell an extrovert about a bullying situation, they ask me what I am doing that causes people to be rude towards me. It is so incredibly frustrating! I personally feel no pleasure in seeing anybody get bullied, because I try to keep my life stress low, by creating as little conflict as possible.
Your video made me want to cry at how on the nose you were with exactly what I'm going through right now.
I"m also glad to hear that I'm not the only one who has been through all this with jobs, bullies, asshole bosses, nasty bullying coworkers, etc. I've lost it a few times and had to
even threaten people, and you know what, I don't even give a shit, but, the trouble is, if you have a job you really love, you don't want to have it all backfire on you, standing up for
yourself. You have to find more subtle ways of it, and fighting back. Don't throw stuff at your bully, just call the cops, whatever. Go to HR. If they don't respond, tell them you'll
call a lawyer. That might get them to move faster, it depends. But it's hard for Aspies to walk that fine line, and a lot of us also have a short fuse and anger issues due to
past bullying and situations, etc. You're like always on your guard, and all that. And no wonder!
@Portrait 2016 Sadly, there are tons of adult bullies around like this, in the workplace and out on the street. I find it helpful to constantly be on my guard nowadays. It's not fun but it pays. I wish I'd known all that before going to work FT years ago. But it's difficult to deal with it if it's your boss, or someone who has power over you, in particular, but even coworkers can be a nightmare in this regard. You can't really go around punching out bullies in adult society, that's the problem as well. Have to find other ways to put these bastards in their place. I did almost threaten a couple of my adult bosses who were literal total monsters and bullies, but it was me at the end of my rope with them talking, its never a good idea to get to that point. But some of these bastards just don't learn, and don't change. You can either find ways to nail them to the wall in proper channels, or find another job, or change your situation, it's unbelievable.
I once worked with a manager who was sent on secondments to other departments to improve his confidence, without HR knowing that he was far on the Autistic Spectrum. He spent a year in our department, and people I worked with thought he was a " weirdo" and " they brine the mound when they made him" and one smart ass thought it appropriate to bend his ear about this backbiting gossip, then proceeded to takin advantage of the Autistic Manager himself by abusung the flexible working hours policy.
Man.. to have a real friend stand up for you in a time of need. That’s gold, we need more of that for sure.
You are brilliant! I am in a relationship with an undiagnosed Aspie. He often shares with me the abuse and disrespect he undures at work. I really appreciate your insights on different things as it is helping me to understand the world from his persective and also I'm learning how I can effectively communicate and support him. Thank you so much
I was bullied once , real low grade stuff and if you protested you got the usual , ''oh its only banter don't be so sensitive'' ..so i told the woman who gossiped the most i had bought a pen with a camera in so i could record things around the place , which got back to the bullies and as long as i had a pen in my pocket they didn't say a thing. the crazy thing was this went on in a spiritual retreat (charney manor ) total hypocrites