“We will deplete ourselves to help others regulate their emotions.” This has been my exact experience for my entire adult life. Just recently diagnosed Audhd at age 47. Whew! Thank you for saying this. I feel less alone.
I did that constantly until sometime in my twenties when I got tired of getting nothing in return and decided to just become selfish instead. It was an easy transition, maybe too easy. Obviously there are pitfalls in the opposite direction as well.
I don’t know if I will ever be able to get over this one. It is so automatic to immediately respond to potential “threats” of other people’s emotions when they seem to come at me out of the blue after I don’t pick up subtle cues.
I think that being gaslight by my family of origin taught me to gaslight myself! This is a huge reason that, finally after my recent diagnosis, I gave up on all the gaslighting! I no longer accept it from ANYONE, including myself!
You are not alone in that. We attract people with narcissistic traits, people who do not know how to regulate themselves and we adopt the role of the caregiver. They drain us emotionally and psychologically and then, they discard us and replace us. Yes, we are naïve because we think everyone always has the same good intentions we have, and we end up taken advantage of. I love your channel because you describe the autistic experience so well. It gives me comfort and makes me feel understood and less lonely. Thank you.
I used to gaslight myself all the time prior to my diagnosis. Finding out I'm autistic helped me give myself permission to experience and feel things the way I do. Great topic! 💞
Yes! I have no diagnosis yet, but I'm sure I am. I can relate to you, since suspecting I am I have opened up to experiencing myself, partly to observe if I am 'being autistic' and due to the whole new perspective I have as to what to look out for. I didn't know anything about autism until last year but it's changed my experience of myself.
I’ve always assumed I was wrong, I always just Dealt with (and negated) my sensory issues, I’ve always figured I remembered it wrong, I’ve usually always assumed I’m the one misunderstanding things….🥺 Getting my AuADHD diagnosis and therapy was life-changing, I’m learning to validate myself, my needs, my views, and to believe in myself and set boundaries. It’s a lot to untangle, but it’s sooooo worth it!!
@cross-eyedmary6619 I went to a neurologist, who then referred me to a neuropsichologist. I'm not sure if this helps, but if you're lost, it might be worth it.
Dealt with gaslighting for far too long in a toxic relationship. At all costs, avoid people with NPD!!! Especially for empaths; we are beacons for them. Study the red flags, and take your time getting to know a person. We are already at terrible odds without the additional trauma.
The amount of self-gaslighting that I got from therapy is mind numbing. I'm trying to balance giving a new therapist a chance with not giving too much of a chance rn but I can't trust my own judgment.
@@MomontheSpectrum The psychiatry has gaslit me for decades. I was always "too sensitive", "had too much emotions", "my thoughts were sick" and I was always told I was reacting wrong and overexaggerating everything. Thing is, a lot of the contact back in the beginning when I was a teen, were horrible mistreatment from the psychiatry. One doctor told me I got what I deserve when I was 16, crying after an anxiety attack, and sectioned by law to his care. He lost his license in the end. Many contacts and hospitalisations were so traumatic and the PSYCHIATRY was at fault. However, they constantly told me I was the problem. I was reacting and feeling too much. So I've grown up with health care professionals gaslighting all my natural, normal responses to horrible care and mistreatment, so when something bad happens now, when I'm being belittled or mistreated, I always tell myself I'm exaggerating and too sensitive. Sure, I do have an awful lot of emotions since I have bipolar disorder, ADHD, autstic traits, anxiety, social phobia, partially recovered eating disorder etc. But that doesn't mean people can do bad things to me and tell me it's my fault for being upset. If someone mistreats me now I fight back with teeth and claws. I get furious. I HATE them and refuse to take any more shit from the health care system. Probably because I'm being re-traumatised, over and over again. I'm 36 and dependant and need contact with the psychiatry for the rest of my life (medications and stuff), but this organization has also hurt me so badly so many times. It feels like I'm going back to my violent perpetrator for support when they were the one hurting me in the first place. Before I got abused by the system I had no self-harm behaviour or borderline tendencies. I began hurting myself for the psychiatry to realise I needed more (and better) help. Had they taken me seriously in the beginning I might not have ever self-harmed. Now I sit here with around 1 275 scars all over my body. The ones who are supposed to help just damages me. But I am too ill to cut ties with the psychiatry. It's a hell to be dependant on your perpetrator that re-traumatises you several times a year....
@@MomontheSpectrum High masking autism is the only diagnosis that makes sense of my whole life. I’m 40yr old, always teetering on the brink of homelessness, and barely hanging on so my 16yr old son. I don’t trust anyone to ever help or give me a proper diagnosis. I do not need to be on scary psych meds. I don’t need to be labeled with everything in the DSM. I just need the diagnosis to maybe get some help instead of scorn.
Hi. I am currently training to be a therapist. All the training is for NT people and not ND people. I have really been struggling with the training because, whilst this years tutor is great, I feel I am often being told I am wrong for the way I process emotions all the time. I am determined to qualify so that I can offer therapy in a way that would work for me and therefore hopefully work for other ND people. I hope you find a therapist who understands the ND people do not think in the same way or process emotions in the same way but also it is a spectrum so what would work for me may not work for you.
I didn’t realize at the time, but before I knew that I was autistic, I was gaslighting myself probably every single day. Now that I’ve been able to drop, at least most of the masks, more are still coming off every day, I have felt so much more empowered to just be the raw and pure me.
The term comes from the 1944 film “Gaslight” where the husband was trying to convince his wife that she was crazy. The gaslights would flicker when he was in the attic trying to manipulate her mind. It’s a terrific film.
Shakespeare's play "The Taming of the Shrew" was probably the original example of gaslighting in that sense (even if they didn't have gas technology at the time). The odd thing is that actual gas lamps are _very_ bright.
One of the most important things I’ve learned is that I’m not totally responsible for others’ feelings. I’m a smart and kind person. I’m not an idiot so I know, usually, when I’ve made a mistake and I’m quick to resolve any issue. However, when it comes to me, no one gives me the benefit of the doubt. I’ve noticed that others approach me with distrust and paranoia. I tell them the truth and over and over again, they tell me I’m wrong. I’m done trying to figure them out. In my experience, no one gives an actual F about why I feel what I feel but I care so much about everyone. I am the exemplar of fawning. But I’m done. I’m 44 and only now, I understand how much that’s contributed to my own self-imposed misery.
I know that learning these things about ourselves can be overwhelming, but I'm finding it is also very empowering. I have a lot more power over who I let into my life and how I let them treat me.
My dad is a narcissist and autistic. I have to hide my truth, hide my feelings, because I'm worried I'll upset my parents by saying certain things, that my dad will get nad at me, that they won't love me as much. I walk on eggshells all the time and it's so draining. I bottle up my emotions and I feel like I'm about to break.
Naive is the proper word for it. I have struggled with that my entire life. For the most part, I am an open book. I share my life freely and openly, and honestly. As a result, I do not often comprehend the fact that I am different, and that other people are not like me. I take everyone at face value, and often fail to see what is lurking under the surface. I cannot see when someone is being dishonest with me, and that has allowed people to take advantage of me over and over again. Not knowing that I was Autistic, my friends would actually tease me about it. One of them would tell me a crazy story, and get me to believe it. They would often let it go for weeks before they let me in on the joke. At the end of the day, I only see what people show me, and that makes life much more complicated than it should be sometimes.
I'm so sorry. I also have this trait and people have also messed with me in that way. I don't know about you but I have always hated it and it's felt like bullying to me... I can't comprehend why people are so cruel. (my naivete has gotten my into so many horrible situations e.g. abusive relationships so to mess with me like this is akin to pretending to touch a rape victim non consensually as a joke)
I was like this too, and it took me ever so long to understand what was going on. I married into a sarcastic family and I soon learned how sarcasm worked. I still have challenges but the largest thing I have done over the years is study some types of people so I could see their “tells”, such that I wouldn’t be taken advantage of anymore (no, it still happened but not as often). I have learned that there truly are genuine people out there, genuinely good who do not play the game, but maybe they are as eccentric as I am. I try to stay in touch with them. As for the rest, I have maybe just one local friend and the rest of my friends are family or pets and books.
I was diagnosed as AuDHD at age 40. For years I got these "see what you made me do?!" reactions from my spouse, which I found demeaning and hurtful - but rationalized as being my fault. What you talk about here about not being responsible for other people's reactions or emotions is so true and so important for some of us to hear. We have now decided to part ways and our relationship became instantly better when we agreed to focus on our kid's well-being rather than on 'fixing' each other.
I definitely gaslight myself. It’s not because of doubt though. It’s because of self limiting and self restricting. I tell myself, it could’ve been worse. It’s not that bad. You’re not allowed to feel that way. You shouldn’t feel that way. Not only am I autistic, but I am totally blind, and have complex PTSD.
Wow, this totally describes a conversation I had with my husband just yesterday. My references were so circular that it did feel like I was gas lighting myself. Luckily, he helped me to see the reality of the situation and quickly let go of the untruthful impression that caused me to be second guessing my self and the situation.
My mother's gaslighting tried to push me to gaslight myself, and in some ways I certainly did earlier in life. It has been hugely limiting in life. As I've aged, I do it much less or completely reject it but the damage was done a couple decades ago. Now gaslighting is something I try to avoid being around in any context whatsoever.
I love what Gabor Mate says about not being responsible for others emotions, that you may have triggered someone, but they're the ones with the explosives inside.
I love this, too! I remember when I was first doing some work on some of my triggers that I would isolate myself with good music and replay what happened and be like, “Ok, this is the third time I’ve had to get to another room quickly when this person has said this. Why does this hurt or upset me so much or at the very least annoy me on a good day? What is this about? I need to work on this, because I don’t want to be reacting to things like this all my life.” What I learned was that being told, “Oh, you’re just TOO sensitive!” still bothered me as an adult, because I’d never dealt with some of the trauma I dealt with as a kid. And since this phrase was used by some really messed up people involved in inflicting trauma, I associated it with those experiences. My mind was blown! But it explained why it still reacted to that phrase so strongly as a young adult. I either had to get away before I cried or screamed or I’d internalize it and blame myself for “annoying” the other person and “making them mad” and start to wonder if they could be right about my being “too sensitive”. All classic trauma responses I now realize. Once I worked through some of that, I stopped being so emotionally reactive to that “you’re just too sensitive phrase.” I did, however, use it as a warning sign of people that I didn’t want to be around. When I last heard from one of my mom’s friends in my 20’s, I just stopped talking, turned and walked out the door and was sooo proud of myself for how I handled it because I didn’t blame myself for the interaction going down that way as I once would have done automatically. It was definitely huge progress for me! 😃😃 The best response I’ve ever heard for the “you’re too sensitive” was “No, I’m too sensitive for YOU, but I’m the level of sensitive that works for me.” I thought that was such a great answer! We can be sensitive and empathetic but without overloading ourselves all day every day on dealing with others’ emotions so we never have any energy for ourselves. It took some time, but I also learned it’s not selfish to use emotional energy on ourselves instead of everyone else all the time. It’s actually kind to ourselves and our loved ones because then we can regulate better and show up more fully for the people in our lives we truly care out! ☀️☀️
For a period I thought that I was autistic when in fact i’ve been abused and gaslighted for 30 years. This video was the catalyst for ending the abuse and I am forever greatful ❤ im safe now. Thank you! 🙏
"We are not responsible for other people's actions." I know so many badly gaslit people who need to hear that, every single second of every single day until it sets in. Because by believing that they are responsible for what other people do to them, they enable their own abuse and the abuse of others.
Well…true, but as someone who struggles with emotional regulation and was severely bullied as a kid I will say that this statement is not always true. Sometimes the bullying was subtle, little comments carefully designed to make me angry and upset. The intent of the person not exploding matters.
Wasn’t sure which part to comment on as I related to ALL of them. I did want to share a story about that last one. I used to think it was somehow my job to take on other people’s emotions, even if they had a bad day at work that had literally zero things to do with me. Once I’d made the realization that I was using all my emotional energy up on other people almost every day and had nothing left for myself and started making changes, it made a HUGE difference! A big indicator for me was when my dad came in from a bad day at work and I could see something had happened at work but he was grumpy and didn’t want to talk about. In the past I would have thought it was my “job” to help him with this. However, I stepped back, knew that wasn’t my issue and if he did want to talk to me later, I could decider how much energy I put into it. He went to listen to music for an hour while I continued to write on a story and then when we had dinner together, I was well regulated and he felt a bit better because of the music. Then as he ate and relaxed more and told me about what his manager had done, I was able to give him someone to talk to who did NOT try to take on his emotions from the rough work day or press for details he wasn’t ready to go into when he first got home. He got visibly more and more relaxed and was able to laugh and tell me jokes by the end of the meal. It was great and worked sooo much better than trying to ask too many questions as he came in or getting emotionally drained over his frustrations over the extra work they had to do because the manger had messed up etc. In the past, my mom and I would see he’d had a harder day and she’d keep asking about it, wanting to “fix” it for him and he’d get frustrated that she kept asking when he’d already said he didn’t want to talk about it yet because he was too tired. Everything just flower so much smoother when he listened to music first and I kept enjoying my writing so when he did want to talk about it, I could listen from a well regulated, non “fixing” things place. I passed that tip onto my mom and it works great for her, too, because she’s not wasting her emotional energy trying to “fix” his bad day and thinking she’s “helping”. Also, if either of them does have a bad day and want to talk about it, they ask if I’m up to listening and I give myself permission to be honest and say, “Actually, I’m pretty tired right now. So, I’m just too drained.” Then they can go do something or talk to each other and I can go rest. Then later that evening or sometimes the next day when I ask about it, the one with a bad day at work has already talked to the other, had sleep and is in a much better mood. So, I get the highlight reel of what happened at work. It sounds so simple when you say it aloud that we aren’t responsible for other people’s emotions, but it honestly did take to me until 28 to really understand this and make those positive changes in my life so I wouldn’t be a “free therapist” for people anymore. It truly changed my life for the better! ☀️☀️
I was just diagnosed at 59 which included memory testing. I thought my increasing memory problems were from age, drinking etc., but my diagnosis suggests my memory issues are affected more from burnout and increasing anxiety. I've also started noticing that when I get upset with someone else, I lapse into masochistic rants where I show everything bad about me as a reaction to criticism. It's like I'm saying, "You think that's bad...I'll show you bad, you jerk." Like I'm trying to convince myself that their critiques are right even if I don't entirely believe them, but I'll punish myself harder than "you" ever could, gaslighting myself with a vengeance.
This is insightful. Also helpful. I also put myself down so much and it's so boring. Now I'm working really hard to realize I am the only one who knows what I need. My mom was a narcissistic personality so she never validated me. Only her needs mattered. Now I have been learning to set better boundaries, believe in myself, and pause if I feel uncertain. It often means being alone unfortunately but it's better than being drained.
Since my ASC discovery last April, and especially in the most recent months as I've come to this aspect of my autism (you know how after you find out, layers start peeling away one after the other, so this is one of the more recent "finds" in my autistic "dig"), I have begun really re-e-e-ally and fi-i-i-nally trusting my instincts without guilt. My instincts have been right again and again all my life, yet how many times have I had to struggle through castigating myself for being irrationally suspicious or paranoid, or actually been made to feel stupid by others for voicing my perception...only to find out later I was right. Now that I have, finally, this new, incredibly liberating clarity of my ASC discovery, I am summarily "liquidating" the inner self-gaslighting instinct and allowing myself to believe, to be comfortable with, what I sense--yes, always with a prudent caveat to myself that I'm not omniscient, nobody is, but at least I don't have to feel guilty and at least I can hold lightly to my perception as a very plausible one and be ready to act on it as need be.
I also self-identified just last April! Realizing I really do have difficulty with loud noises and the already-diagnosed autistic people weren't trying to keep that label for themselves and I really was autistic... that was life changing
I can so relate to this! I am in the middle of diag/eval and should now for sure next week, but I am 100% sure I'm way up on the spectrum. I am 57 and only recently learned about autism. My parents were mean alcoholics and my mother was sadistic, cruel and self-centered. Father was highly narcissistic. Both of them gaslighted me to no end. Because of this, I learned early on (around 10) that I needed to maintain my memories as well as I could. He died in 2021 and not only did she not tell me, she acted as though he was still alive when texting me. I had to find out on my own because she triangulates the family against me. My heart goes out to you, Taylor, and all of those who watch.
You also likely have C-PTSD from your dysfunctional family upbringing, which can be very difficult to isolate from co-existing ASD and related issues. Currently working my way through all of this as well. So sorry you had to endure this. Good luck with your diagnosis.
You are wonderful. I was just diagnosed Tuesday morning after months of assessment and more months of waiting. This video is a lovely start to what comes next for me.
Very interesting video thank you. Gaslighting is most evident in my case in that I doubt my intuition, even where the signs are quite clear and others can’t see what I see. I got entagled in a narcissist’s web for about two years, and last year October just before my diagnosis, I decided to sever all contact and communication with her. Sure enough a lot of her friends did the same. This was very validating for me. I was not imagining things.
You always help me by stating what I can't put into words what I can't communicate. I say too many words around the target and stumble to get there. Thank you for all you do.
Yes! Oftentimes when you've been gaslit you might use too many words bc you feel like you need to over explain yourself bc you've been made to doubt yourself so much. You feel like you have to overcommunicate but still aren't heard
I'm just watching this crying. Thank you for explaining these things. I just ended an 8 year relationship with someone I suspect to be a narcissist. I gas-lit the hell out of myself everyday. I have a lot of self discovery, healing, and learning to do.
I really really needed to hear what you had to say about others reactions not being our fault. Please talk more about that if possible. Thank you for all you do. You have helped so many people, I'm sure. I am 56 yrs old, recently diagnosed with ADHD, and recently self diagnosed ASD. I was lucky enough to happen across your channel when you first started I think.. anyways, you are an inspiration. Thank you
Gosh! How unbelievably timely was coming across this video of yours, Taylor! Thank you. The last few days my wife has been non stop that I don't suport her emotionally, that I don't react etc. I am completely burnt out, no energy for anything (the last drops go to my toddler kids for them to feel engaged and loved), I cannot physically say anything to anyone else. And yet every evening and every morning it is a non-stop nagging and shouting that I don't offer support...
Best video yet. Thank you for bringing this up. I'm 45 and not yet diagnosed, but I've struggled with this my entire life. No real sense of self or a feeling of belonging anywhere. Looking forward to your next video.
Hello , I just found you ! Great thing! At 58 I have known all my life I am different. I have told people I am different. No one ever took me serious. Once I remember standing with some friends at church. They were laughing and talking about something. It was clear they considered me a part of what was going on. Yet in a moment an imaged came to my mind. I felt as though I was in a paper bag that separated me from them. They could not see the bag yet there it was keeping me from being a real part of the group. That image has been the definition of my life ! I haven't felt terribly bad about it , rather I have just accepted it like brown hair or green eyes. Only in the last year have I said to my self , ya know I might just be autistic !! I will spare all the details of my journey for now except to say that once I began exploring autism as an explanation for who I am I had one Aha! moment after another. I have revealed my discovery to three people including my son. He did not react more than hhmmmmm. Which was great. Anyway I was googling things about autism and ran into one of your videos. In it you said much f your life has been spent on the outside looking in. Never once from the time I was a small child til now have I ever felt anything other than being on the outside looking in. Has my life been dismal and sad? Nope , I have had a fairly happy life. Things have been well. But... it has largely been a life of pretend. About seven years ago my son saw me be very nice to a cashier. Not flirty , just nice , kind. When we walked away from the counter he told me I was being to nice to her. He said I became a different person. No he was not saying that I usually was not nice but rather I had behaved differently than normal. It was then that I blurted out for the first time that what he saw was me pretending. I had never even said those words to myself. It felt like I was revealing the secret code to my life. Have you ever heard of Ret-Conning ? Its when you look back at a historical moment and redefine what "actually" happened and how it relates to today. Retroactive Continuity. At 58 I am not sure of who I am and where I have been. No need to be concerned though , this sense of nebulosity isnt shaking me up. Its really just helping me to understand me. Anyway I will spend some time looking at more of your videos ... Thank you for sharing......Oh , I have not been diagnosed. Not sure I want to spend a grand for that at the moment.....
0:00 Intro, cool fidget toy roller, and why experience gaslighting 5:47 You're constantly questioning your own judgment, feelings, and experiences. 6:22 The voice inside your head is always telling you that you're overreactive or oversensitive. 7:08 You tend to question your own memories. 7:43 You blame yourself for what other people have done to you, or you tell yourself that you deserved what was done to you.
Every video of yours just feels like a wave rolling over me. Like it's rewriting my perception of my whole life. It wasn't my fault. I have a right to my feelings. I deserve to be cared for and heard. Grateful for you and your channel.
"We get used to not communicating our truth for the sake of not hurting other people's feelings" Is something I'm trying to deal with Like, it doesn't take me that much effort to keep a home clean and tidy. But my mom's idea of a clean kitchen is enough to be considered a biohazard. And I am trying to communicate that to her, in a non-combative way, but it seems to be impossible. But I haven't had energy for anything lately because of how much I have to clean up after her. I am done gaslighting myself into *thinking* that I have a right to want her to be responsible for her own messes, because I *do* and she already should.
I saw the Ono scroller when it first came out. I'll definitely put it on my wants list with the keychain. I've spent the past year trying to identify the bad messaging I received all my life but internalized... and now trying to recognize it so I can try to repair the damage.
I am a 25 years man, and I think I might be on the spectrum, after a life of dealing with ADHD and "discovering" I am HSP, I met low-support needs autistic girls lately who told me about their experiences, and it resonated with me too much that I started to look it up, your channel is one my favorites and I start to realize about myself soo much, but in the same time question: "is it really? or am I just making it up and making myself feel that way?" mainly regarding environment sensitivity, even though I got how complex and scarily amazing is the unconscious (well not anymore) masking system my brain created for it, so I will feel anything else but a direct overwhelm, it would have been wanting to go early, being anxious, going to be on headphones and withdraw, but still I will tell myself that now I actually feel it more strongly only because I think about it, and worse that I just made it up. I have not been diagnosed just yet, and I am going to pursue it, but it's so hard, one moment you believe in your self-discovery, and one moment later you are trying to tell yourself you are wrong, and more I am trying to show myself I am wrong, the more autistic I discover I am.
I've been gaslight into thinking that when I was saying "I need more from you" that was the most vile and disgusting thing you can say to your partner 😑
You're the best Taylor. I'm in the middle of navigating divorce and this has hit the spot. 30 years together and still lots of love, my Aspie diagnosis just confirmed we're not able to be ourselves in the marriage. I'm SOOOOO looking forward to connecting with your community, they seem like such beautiful people.Mwah!
I think I'm heading in to the same situation. I certainly feel I can never be myself in my marriage. Our lifestyle preferences and goals are very different and I don't cope well with the life we've ended up with.Good luck with everything.
My dad said to me that I have to be more confident because people don’t want to talk to me because they feel this uncomfort around me, he has always said similar things even when I was still undiagnosed . I think that’s what got me to mask and question whether I could trust myself. I have always been very stubborn on some things that I knew I didn’t want and not being honest was very difficult, even if I was always scared people would believe I had lied. It all made me doubt myself and question whether I had to make an effort and do things that they like but are not me knowing that others don’t seem to make an effort at all. Especially because I moved out a lot and there’s always this expectation you have to move on and adapt yourself when I had this resentment against this new place I had never wanted to live in.
Literally every single day of my life. There are days where I can't trust anything I say or do or think and its incredibly destabilizing and anxiety inducing. It really contributes to the imposter syndrome which for me is absolutely RAMPENT. My social issues are a bit less pronounced then others in the community and that can really contribute to that. But ive always been too sensitive, over reacting, cant take a joke ext. For a long time the biggest way i would mask was pretending to be "flexible" i genuinely thought i was a flexible person for a long time. Then i realized that people who are genuinely flexible aren't always stressed about it but desperately trying to keep a good attitude and hide all the discomfort. I thought everyone was like that with change
A lot of truth. We are attenas, highly sensitive, aware. We attract nacropsychos when we don't have boundaries. It was hard to come to terms that people don't have good intentions, lie manipulate. It's a better world when you understand this and gravitate to people who value and want us around.
This is amazing!!! The thing with me is that I am sooo hyperaware & detail oriented that I remember it to the T It’s my abusers : mother, father, older sibling & ex abusive partners & ‘friends’ who gaslight ME in saying I don’t remember it that way after so many years of being irrigated that “I never forget details” and literally hating me for it.. 💔 so they gaslight me by changing the goal post.. the only people left in my life who do that are my father, mother & well I stopped speaking to my sibling to heal more from his abuse that was still continuing as well as how he abused his wife & his girls watch. 💔💔
I’m so sorry to hear about what you’ve experienced. And you’re right changing the goal post is definitely another form of gaslighting and manipulation. I’m glad you’re taking steps to better support yourself.
"You are not responsible for others feelings" funny, I got a psychologist (she was also my friend at the time) who told me the oposite when a few of my now ex friends started attacking for the stupidest thing ever while I was trying my best to solve things. She would join them and critize me, make fun of me at my back with them etc... and while deep down I know it made no sense and I did the best I could it does make you wonder if it had anything to do with you, if you had some responsability etc... and try to understand things when they make no sense so I definetly empathise with everything said
I understand this. People (especially other females, in my experience as an autistic female) seem to get really pissed at me just because I ask questions to try to understand. I on the other hand respect and appreciate those who ask questions and try to understand situations, people and the world around them. I will never understand the NTs who get so mad about this?
@@its.Lora. this. In my case it was both she and those other guys who did what you say but yeah, the same definetly happend to me, I try my best to understand what is going on and why (both directly and indirectly) yet you never get an answer, at least not one that makes sense, you always get the same response. I still don't know if I am autistic or not but I can see most of these things happening to me too, and those kind of people always act as if I said the oposite of what was said by me
@@its.Lora. I had teachers who really disliked me because I asked so many questions. When I myself was teaching a college class, there was a girl who would ask a whole lot of pretty elementary questions. I would answer all of them seriously and respectfully, partly because I wanted everyone to feel that there was no reason to be afraid of asking questions. A kind of miracle happened with this girl. She was suddenly thinking on a totally different level. It is like a light bulb turned on in her brain. She was aware of it and was really excited about it. She ended up majoring in my subject. I look back now and think that she was probably autistic.
Taylor, I hope you realize what a great help and support you provide. 61 years of age and JUST realized I'm "on the spectrum"...wow! What you are sharing rings SO TRUE...and...now, so much of my life "makes sense"!! Thank you❤
“Depleting yourself to help others” is my N1 topic in therapy. The psychopathic ex is N5 at best … 😂 He was way easier to evade than my own tendency to prioritize others over my health. You definitely hit a spot there, Taylor! 🖖🏼🙏🏻👏🏻
“We will deplete ourselves to help others regulate their emotions.” Oh god I've done this. I've done it only once for a few months. But the level of exhaustion kept me out of energy for almost a year. That's some form of burnout, I'm pretty sure. That's one more level of fear for intimacy that I acquired.
Well, people have to be helped along their own feelings to get over what they have just heard. People depend on us and each other so we def affect each other, but then talking about the thing helps move things along and not get stuck.
This has been a huge issue for me, and is probably one of the barriers I faced getting diagnosed as well. So much of my childhood was spent regulating my parents’ emotional lives, not just because I felt guilty if I upset them, but because they were so volatile that even when I knew their feelings weren’t my responsibility, I *still* had to capitulate and fawn my way back into them calming down, because if I didn’t, it would make my sensory environment even more hellish and unpredictable than it already was. If anyone else reading this has dealt with the same issue, I’m so sorry. Keep holding on. Even if you’re still financially dependent on your parents, you can eventually move away. You can control your own environment. It gets so much better.
"We are not responsible for other people's feelings" I am so feeling this right now, I've given so much of myself in the past to make other people comfortable in their feelings, but I'm tired of it. I'm fine being polite, but I'm no longer willing to sacrifice my own needs and truth in order to placate someone else. Is this having drastic consequences in my relationship, definitely, but do I feel happier and more myself every time I honor myself, also definitely!
For me, not trusting my inner self shows up on a weird way. After carefully analyzing a situation preparatory to making a decision, I often ignore my own analysis and just go with a random choice.
I NEEDED TO HEAR THIS. I have been practicing this so much the past few years, but just now FINALLY getting to the point I gaslight myself LESS than I used to and I needed this to remind myself all this!!!!!!❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤ Thank you so much very much!
Ooof I needed to especially hear that last bit bc I do gaslight myself into thinking I’m the cause or the reason why I hardly have anyone to talk to or be close to these days! Thank you for this video!
Hi Tay, yes, I think I've gaslit myself. That's because I was raised in a very toxic environment, at home, at school, and later in workplaces. Since I was born, literally everyone has told me I'm worthless, my needs aren't important, my feelings are wrong, and my memories aren't like I remember. It's hard living in a world where you're anything but a target since kindergarten.
You learned that skill to survive, and I’m so glad you survived. You deserve happiness, comfort, calm, connection, joy, beauty, and solace in every day of your life, and I hope you continue moving towards all good things. I am ragefully angered at your abusers and I hope they never have access to you again.
Programmed messages are NOT the self gaslighting. Only propagated waves for which self is not to blame! Learning to recognize and counter is great, but that also is for an autistic experiencing after formative period. I have this life also and I cannot counter the demonization, but I support myself as valuable and not the person responsible for self-scam. I did not and cannot create any gaslight, but neither can I alter what I learned to detect. I have aphantasia and all the "new elite" privileged autistic feel entitled to aspi'splain to me, who qualified as 11/5 worstest grade of imbecile in the 1950s how I don't 'fit' the credentials to be autistic now as not-their-clone, unentitled to breathe if I don't support their agenda.
I’m not certain if I’m autistic. I related to all of this. I needed to hear this today even though it makes me feel sad. I’m tired of questioning my intuitive feelings.
I watched this prior to my therapy session, and made a huge impact on my session, but also my frame of mind and brought me a light bulb 💡 moment! I’ve thanked you for other videos, but need thank you again! You make a difference! And I’m grateful!
thanks, I hear you are thinking on levels I think, giving great advice, some are no different than mine and I give to some in my private life. but already learned some I did not come around to find myself. great stuff.
On the subject of autistic empathy, for me, when I was a teen, I thought I didn't have emotions. But in retrospect I have come to understand that I was just so overwhelmed by my emotions, and so unsafe with my own emotions, that I was dissociated from all emotion. I was so emotionally burnt out that I thought I didn't feel. I was also a psychic sponge, and I was over saturated with the emotional issues of my narcissistic parents. I literally just didn't have room to feel my own feelings, so they were all super repressed. However, yes, I now understand that I am actually a deeply emotional person.
Wow. So much good stuff. Narcissists...check Naive and over trusting...check Self gaslighting... 1, 3, and 4 check. All the other little things...check. Needing to hear that I'm not responsible for others emotions, reactions, responses...check. Thank you!
Thank you so much, Taylor! I almost didn’t watch this video, but I went ahead and watched to the end and of course when you said, “I don’t know who needs to hear this…” you were speaking directly to me. I have been dealing with feeling responsible for others’ emotional reactions (think big, dramatic, negative, massively harmful reactions) for YEARS, and the timing couldn’t have been better for me to hear this. I’m going to need a lot of strength going into the next few weeks, and I will keep coming back to this.
Yep, i agree with you. In fact, i think it's that innate tendency to take people as who they say they are is what attracts deeply narcissistic people . And i can't emphasize strongly enough just how incredibly TOXIC such personalities are and i STRONGLY encourage anyone with such a person in their life to keep them at a safe distance and NEVER, EVER confide in them or tell them your plans or dreams. People with extreme narcissism FEED OFF OF other people's pain. The narcissist needs to feel they are right all the time and cannot handle being treated as anything but the center of your feelings and wants. They're just very, very manipulative and very slick, so it's often the case you won't notice till they hurt you and then you realize *they don't care that you're hurt*. Yeah, just keep a good health distance and never stay friends with anyone who will not accept when you say,"No ". A real friend will respect your feelings and your rights. Fake friends WON'T.
Thank you for defining the terms! I had so many AHa! moments when you linked all the terms together with your explanations. All the things you said you didn’t intend to “get into” - soooo helpful to me. Thank you for all you do! ❤
Thank you for another gently handled, authentic and informative video. I've been watching your channel to educate myself and be able to support my 23 year old who has recently gone through the ASD evaluation process (in the UK) and is expecting a diagnosis any day now. Whatever the outcome, you're helping us both massively and I want to thank you for that 💗
I have never felt, as validated in my life my as I do now after finding you. I am so very grateful 🙏🏻 This is the missing🧩 piece to my mental health. It has been a very long painful journey, I was looking because my Son was diagnosed. I have been given so many labels, and honestly never agreed. I am so obviously Autistic ADHD, and well I had really crappy childhood = CPTS. It is so amazing to feel I have tools and people who are just like me.😊❤ The biggest relief of all, is I am not broken, I can stop trying to fix myself. I have a few people I love that do not understand how much this piece matters, this I am finding difficult.
God bless you. Always thought this but have ever heard it from someone until now. Gaslight is where I’ve grown up and yes, it is very scary. Thank you Taylor.
Thank you.... this is exactly what I need to hear. I am in a situation where someone is upset at me and blaming me for things that I did not do or they are misunderstanding. This information is so helpful.
I discovered you today with this video. I'm already bookmarking several of your recent videos to chew through when i get off work. Thank you for existing.
Thank you Taylor! I always feel at home in your videos. And especially when you go off script “I wasn’t gonna talk about this but…”! I always find myself smiling. I do this 500 times a day with my staff. Every time you do it, you hit some really important points!! So thank you for letting yourself go there and not editing those parts out ❤
Thank you so much for this interview! Exactly this plays a big role in my life....now I know how to describe it, cause thats hard. When you grow up with it, then you might not notice it's unhealthy for you or even that it might not be normal..
Taylor you are so right about autistic people being empathic, I can't remember a time I wasn't. And in my last relationship, which was years ago, my ex was mot able to regulate his own emotions at all. It made for a very frustrating time for both of us.
Will watch it soon! I have thought about this a lot, also- be careful with sharing this habit with others, I have caught myself a couple of times sharing bad habits with others (sharing unnecessary judgments and unhelpful advice and thoughts), just as important! Gaslighting can also happen with good intention behind it, in fact, I feel like gaslighting with good intentions behind it isp more harmful so- be aware!
“We will deplete ourselves to help others regulate their emotions.” This has been my exact experience for my entire adult life. Just recently diagnosed Audhd at age 47. Whew! Thank you for saying this. I feel less alone.
So true ❤
Same ❤❤
I did that constantly until sometime in my twenties when I got tired of getting nothing in return and decided to just become selfish instead. It was an easy transition, maybe too easy. Obviously there are pitfalls in the opposite direction as well.
I was straight up taught to do this. It’s what good women do. It’s “lady like.” 🙄 I swear, my grandmother was autistic AF!
"you are not responsible for regulating other people's emotions!"
YESSS THANK YOU!
I don’t know if I will ever be able to get over this one. It is so automatic to immediately respond to potential “threats” of other people’s emotions when they seem to come at me out of the blue after I don’t pick up subtle cues.
I think that being gaslight by my family of origin taught me to gaslight myself! This is a huge reason that, finally after my recent diagnosis, I gave up on all the gaslighting! I no longer accept it from ANYONE, including myself!
I've been gaslighted by family members, which hurt more than it helped. You get told you're an idiot enough times and you start to believe it.
Yes! Absolutely!
I do that to myself as I have been gaslighted by religious narcs. They made me feel like I am unworthy.
@nathaliesirota26 I really can relay on that.
@@sharonjensen3016I had the same they told me I'm stupid and weird I'm not like the others. Indeed I'm autistic but not crazy.
You are not alone in that. We attract people with narcissistic traits, people who do not know how to regulate themselves and we adopt the role of the caregiver. They drain us emotionally and psychologically and then, they discard us and replace us. Yes, we are naïve because we think everyone always has the same good intentions we have, and we end up taken advantage of.
I love your channel because you describe the autistic experience so well. It gives me comfort and makes me feel understood and less lonely. Thank you.
So true! ty
I used to gaslight myself all the time prior to my diagnosis. Finding out I'm autistic helped me give myself permission to experience and feel things the way I do. Great topic! 💞
so glad you've found some freedom in this area! it can be so tricky to get out of sometimes
Yes! I have no diagnosis yet, but I'm sure I am. I can relate to you, since suspecting I am I have opened up to experiencing myself, partly to observe if I am 'being autistic' and due to the whole new perspective I have as to what to look out for. I didn't know anything about autism until last year but it's changed my experience of myself.
I’ve always assumed I was wrong, I always just Dealt with (and negated) my sensory issues, I’ve always figured I remembered it wrong, I’ve usually always assumed I’m the one misunderstanding things….🥺
Getting my AuADHD diagnosis and therapy was life-changing, I’m learning to validate myself, my needs, my views, and to believe in myself and set boundaries. It’s a lot to untangle, but it’s sooooo worth it!!
Yes! So glad you're learning how to validate yourself!! Keep doing the work
How do you find someone qualified to diagnose high masking adult women
@cross-eyedmary6619 I went to a neurologist, who then referred me to a neuropsichologist. I'm not sure if this helps, but if you're lost, it might be worth it.
Dealt with gaslighting for far too long in a toxic relationship. At all costs, avoid people with NPD!!! Especially for empaths; we are beacons for them. Study the red flags, and take your time getting to know a person.
We are already at terrible odds without the additional trauma.
The amount of self-gaslighting that I got from therapy is mind numbing. I'm trying to balance giving a new therapist a chance with not giving too much of a chance rn but I can't trust my own judgment.
oh goodness i know that can be a difficult spot to be in. Finding the right therapist can be tricky (and exhausting).
@@MomontheSpectrum The psychiatry has gaslit me for decades. I was always "too sensitive", "had too much emotions", "my thoughts were sick" and I was always told I was reacting wrong and overexaggerating everything. Thing is, a lot of the contact back in the beginning when I was a teen, were horrible mistreatment from the psychiatry. One doctor told me I got what I deserve when I was 16, crying after an anxiety attack, and sectioned by law to his care. He lost his license in the end. Many contacts and hospitalisations were so traumatic and the PSYCHIATRY was at fault. However, they constantly told me I was the problem. I was reacting and feeling too much.
So I've grown up with health care professionals gaslighting all my natural, normal responses to horrible care and mistreatment, so when something bad happens now, when I'm being belittled or mistreated, I always tell myself I'm exaggerating and too sensitive. Sure, I do have an awful lot of emotions since I have bipolar disorder, ADHD, autstic traits, anxiety, social phobia, partially recovered eating disorder etc. But that doesn't mean people can do bad things to me and tell me it's my fault for being upset.
If someone mistreats me now I fight back with teeth and claws. I get furious. I HATE them and refuse to take any more shit from the health care system. Probably because I'm being re-traumatised, over and over again. I'm 36 and dependant and need contact with the psychiatry for the rest of my life (medications and stuff), but this organization has also hurt me so badly so many times. It feels like I'm going back to my violent perpetrator for support when they were the one hurting me in the first place.
Before I got abused by the system I had no self-harm behaviour or borderline tendencies. I began hurting myself for the psychiatry to realise I needed more (and better) help. Had they taken me seriously in the beginning I might not have ever self-harmed. Now I sit here with around 1 275 scars all over my body. The ones who are supposed to help just damages me. But I am too ill to cut ties with the psychiatry. It's a hell to be dependant on your perpetrator that re-traumatises you several times a year....
@@MomontheSpectrum
High masking autism is the only diagnosis that makes sense of my whole life.
I’m 40yr old, always teetering on the brink of homelessness, and barely hanging on so my 16yr old son.
I don’t trust anyone to ever help or give me a proper diagnosis. I do not need to be on scary psych meds. I don’t need to be labeled with everything in the DSM. I just need the diagnosis to maybe get some help instead of scorn.
@@cross-eyedmary6619Are you experiencing high anxiety? Something like buspirone could re regulate that and enable you to deal with autism.
Hi. I am currently training to be a therapist. All the training is for NT people and not ND people. I have really been struggling with the training because, whilst this years tutor is great, I feel I am often being told I am wrong for the way I process emotions all the time. I am determined to qualify so that I can offer therapy in a way that would work for me and therefore hopefully work for other ND people. I hope you find a therapist who understands the ND people do not think in the same way or process emotions in the same way but also it is a spectrum so what would work for me may not work for you.
I didn’t realize at the time, but before I knew that I was autistic, I was gaslighting myself probably every single day. Now that I’ve been able to drop, at least most of the masks, more are still coming off every day, I have felt so much more empowered to just be the raw and pure me.
Yes! !🙌🏻
The term comes from the 1944 film “Gaslight” where the husband was trying to convince his wife that she was crazy. The gaslights would flicker when he was in the attic trying to manipulate her mind. It’s a terrific film.
Shakespeare's play "The Taming of the Shrew" was probably the original example of gaslighting in that sense (even if they didn't have gas technology at the time).
The odd thing is that actual gas lamps are _very_ bright.
One of the most important things I’ve learned is that I’m not totally responsible for others’ feelings. I’m a smart and kind person. I’m not an idiot so I know, usually, when I’ve made a mistake and I’m quick to resolve any issue. However, when it comes to me, no one gives me the benefit of the doubt. I’ve noticed that others approach me with distrust and paranoia. I tell them the truth and over and over again, they tell me I’m wrong.
I’m done trying to figure them out. In my experience, no one gives an actual F about why I feel what I feel but I care so much about everyone. I am the exemplar of fawning. But I’m done. I’m 44 and only now, I understand how much that’s contributed to my own self-imposed misery.
I know that learning these things about ourselves can be overwhelming, but I'm finding it is also very empowering. I have a lot more power over who I let into my life and how I let them treat me.
@@MomontheSpectrum 💜🙏
5:17 i hadn't thought of it about being super empathetic as one of the things that can attract disordered people... explains a lot...
My dad is a narcissist and autistic. I have to hide my truth, hide my feelings, because I'm worried I'll upset my parents by saying certain things, that my dad will get nad at me, that they won't love me as much. I walk on eggshells all the time and it's so draining. I bottle up my emotions and I feel like I'm about to break.
Naive is the proper word for it. I have struggled with that my entire life. For the most part, I am an open book. I share my life freely and openly, and honestly. As a result, I do not often comprehend the fact that I am different, and that other people are not like me. I take everyone at face value, and often fail to see what is lurking under the surface. I cannot see when someone is being dishonest with me, and that has allowed people to take advantage of me over and over again. Not knowing that I was Autistic, my friends would actually tease me about it. One of them would tell me a crazy story, and get me to believe it. They would often let it go for weeks before they let me in on the joke. At the end of the day, I only see what people show me, and that makes life much more complicated than it should be sometimes.
I'm so sorry. I also have this trait and people have also messed with me in that way. I don't know about you but I have always hated it and it's felt like bullying to me... I can't comprehend why people are so cruel. (my naivete has gotten my into so many horrible situations e.g. abusive relationships so to mess with me like this is akin to pretending to touch a rape victim non consensually as a joke)
I was like this too, and it took me ever so long to understand what was going on. I married into a sarcastic family and I soon learned how sarcasm worked.
I still have challenges but the largest thing I have done over the years is study some types of people so I could see their “tells”, such that I wouldn’t be taken advantage of anymore (no, it still happened but not as often).
I have learned that there truly are genuine people out there, genuinely good who do not play the game, but maybe they are as eccentric as I am. I try to stay in touch with them.
As for the rest, I have maybe just one local friend and the rest of my friends are family or pets and books.
@@Blablablahx3: "it's felt like bullying to me" That's because it _is_ bullying.
@@Blablablahx3😅
I was diagnosed as AuDHD at age 40. For years I got these "see what you made me do?!" reactions from my spouse, which I found demeaning and hurtful - but rationalized as being my fault. What you talk about here about not being responsible for other people's reactions or emotions is so true and so important for some of us to hear. We have now decided to part ways and our relationship became instantly better when we agreed to focus on our kid's well-being rather than on 'fixing' each other.
so glad you are finding ways to better support/validate yourself and create a healthier environment for the kids. totally understand that situation!
Right, people tell me I’m over-reacting/over sensitive. I’m learning to just stay quiet as much as I can because how I express myself isn’t welcome.
I literally live in my own gaslit world. It causes so many issues for me and my relationships.
it can be difficult to start breaking the patterns/environment i know 😣
I hope that you can find your way back to yourself ❤
I definitely gaslight myself. It’s not because of doubt though. It’s because of self limiting and self restricting. I tell myself, it could’ve been worse. It’s not that bad. You’re not allowed to feel that way. You shouldn’t feel that way. Not only am I autistic, but I am totally blind, and have complex PTSD.
Wow, this totally describes a conversation I had with my husband just yesterday. My references were so circular that it did feel like I was gas lighting myself. Luckily, he helped me to see the reality of the situation and quickly let go of the untruthful impression that caused me to be second guessing my self and the situation.
My mother's gaslighting tried to push me to gaslight myself, and in some ways I certainly did earlier in life. It has been hugely limiting in life. As I've aged, I do it much less or completely reject it but the damage was done a couple decades ago. Now gaslighting is something I try to avoid being around in any context whatsoever.
I love what Gabor Mate says about not being responsible for others emotions, that you may have triggered someone, but they're the ones with the explosives inside.
Oooh love this
Heyy
I love this, too! I remember when I was first doing some work on some of my triggers that I would isolate myself with good music and replay what happened and be like, “Ok, this is the third time I’ve had to get to another room quickly when this person has said this. Why does this hurt or upset me so much or at the very least annoy me on a good day? What is this about? I need to work on this, because I don’t want to be reacting to things like this all my life.” What I learned was that being told, “Oh, you’re just TOO sensitive!” still bothered me as an adult, because I’d never dealt with some of the trauma I dealt with as a kid. And since this phrase was used by some really messed up people involved in inflicting trauma, I associated it with those experiences. My mind was blown! But it explained why it still reacted to that phrase so strongly as a young adult. I either had to get away before I cried or screamed or I’d internalize it and blame myself for “annoying” the other person and “making them mad” and start to wonder if they could be right about my being “too sensitive”. All classic trauma responses I now realize. Once I worked through some of that, I stopped being so emotionally reactive to that “you’re just too sensitive phrase.” I did, however, use it as a warning sign of people that I didn’t want to be around. When I last heard from one of my mom’s friends in my 20’s, I just stopped talking, turned and walked out the door and was sooo proud of myself for how I handled it because I didn’t blame myself for the interaction going down that way as I once would have done automatically. It was definitely huge progress for me! 😃😃 The best response I’ve ever heard for the “you’re too sensitive” was “No, I’m too sensitive for YOU, but I’m the level of sensitive that works for me.” I thought that was such a great answer! We can be sensitive and empathetic but without overloading ourselves all day every day on dealing with others’ emotions so we never have any energy for ourselves. It took some time, but I also learned it’s not selfish to use emotional energy on ourselves instead of everyone else all the time. It’s actually kind to ourselves and our loved ones because then we can regulate better and show up more fully for the people in our lives we truly care out! ☀️☀️
Such a good statement!
Thanks for this. I'm still unlearning stuff after being in a toxic relationship for a really long time.
For a period I thought that I was autistic when in fact i’ve been abused and gaslighted for 30 years. This video was the catalyst for ending the abuse and I am forever greatful ❤ im safe now. Thank you! 🙏
Deplete selves to help others❣️
Overthink… Feeling more than others. Question / blame self…
"We are not responsible for other people's actions." I know so many badly gaslit people who need to hear that, every single second of every single day until it sets in. Because by believing that they are responsible for what other people do to them, they enable their own abuse and the abuse of others.
Well…true, but as someone who struggles with emotional regulation and was severely bullied as a kid I will say that this statement is not always true. Sometimes the bullying was subtle, little comments carefully designed to make me angry and upset. The intent of the person not exploding matters.
Wasn’t sure which part to comment on as I related to ALL of them. I did want to share a story about that last one. I used to think it was somehow my job to take on other people’s emotions, even if they had a bad day at work that had literally zero things to do with me. Once I’d made the realization that I was using all my emotional energy up on other people almost every day and had nothing left for myself and started making changes, it made a HUGE difference! A big indicator for me was when my dad came in from a bad day at work and I could see something had happened at work but he was grumpy and didn’t want to talk about. In the past I would have thought it was my “job” to help him with this. However, I stepped back, knew that wasn’t my issue and if he did want to talk to me later, I could decider how much energy I put into it. He went to listen to music for an hour while I continued to write on a story and then when we had dinner together, I was well regulated and he felt a bit better because of the music. Then as he ate and relaxed more and told me about what his manager had done, I was able to give him someone to talk to who did NOT try to take on his emotions from the rough work day or press for details he wasn’t ready to go into when he first got home. He got visibly more and more relaxed and was able to laugh and tell me jokes by the end of the meal. It was great and worked sooo much better than trying to ask too many questions as he came in or getting emotionally drained over his frustrations over the extra work they had to do because the manger had messed up etc. In the past, my mom and I would see he’d had a harder day and she’d keep asking about it, wanting to “fix” it for him and he’d get frustrated that she kept asking when he’d already said he didn’t want to talk about it yet because he was too tired. Everything just flower so much smoother when he listened to music first and I kept enjoying my writing so when he did want to talk about it, I could listen from a well regulated, non “fixing” things place. I passed that tip onto my mom and it works great for her, too, because she’s not wasting her emotional energy trying to “fix” his bad day and thinking she’s “helping”. Also, if either of them does have a bad day and want to talk about it, they ask if I’m up to listening and I give myself permission to be honest and say, “Actually, I’m pretty tired right now. So, I’m just too drained.” Then they can go do something or talk to each other and I can go rest. Then later that evening or sometimes the next day when I ask about it, the one with a bad day at work has already talked to the other, had sleep and is in a much better mood. So, I get the highlight reel of what happened at work. It sounds so simple when you say it aloud that we aren’t responsible for other people’s emotions, but it honestly did take to me until 28 to really understand this and make those positive changes in my life so I wouldn’t be a “free therapist” for people anymore. It truly changed my life for the better! ☀️☀️
I was just diagnosed at 59 which included memory testing. I thought my increasing memory problems were from age, drinking etc., but my diagnosis suggests my memory issues are affected more from burnout and increasing anxiety. I've also started noticing that when I get upset with someone else, I lapse into masochistic rants where I show everything bad about me as a reaction to criticism. It's like I'm saying, "You think that's bad...I'll show you bad, you jerk." Like I'm trying to convince myself that their critiques are right even if I don't entirely believe them, but I'll punish myself harder than "you" ever could, gaslighting myself with a vengeance.
Wow, may ask how they tested memory ?? Dx age 58!w ASD 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻👊
Yes thanks for sharing this perspective. That sounds frustrating and uncomfortable. 😣
This is insightful. Also helpful. I also put myself down so much and it's so boring. Now I'm working really hard to realize I am the only one who knows what I need. My mom was a narcissistic personality so she never validated me. Only her needs mattered. Now I have been learning to set better boundaries, believe in myself, and pause if I feel uncertain. It often means being alone unfortunately but it's better than being drained.
You are not alone. I have depleted my self helping my patients with their feelings.
This hits home with me I am always apologizing for my words
Since my ASC discovery last April, and especially in the most recent months as I've come to this aspect of my autism (you know how after you find out, layers start peeling away one after the other, so this is one of the more recent "finds" in my autistic "dig"), I have begun really re-e-e-ally and fi-i-i-nally trusting my instincts without guilt. My instincts have been right again and again all my life, yet how many times have I had to struggle through castigating myself for being irrationally suspicious or paranoid, or actually been made to feel stupid by others for voicing my perception...only to find out later I was right. Now that I have, finally, this new, incredibly liberating clarity of my ASC discovery, I am summarily "liquidating" the inner self-gaslighting instinct and allowing myself to believe, to be comfortable with, what I sense--yes, always with a prudent caveat to myself that I'm not omniscient, nobody is, but at least I don't have to feel guilty and at least I can hold lightly to my perception as a very plausible one and be ready to act on it as need be.
Well said, I resonate
I also self-identified just last April! Realizing I really do have difficulty with loud noises and the already-diagnosed autistic people weren't trying to keep that label for themselves and I really was autistic... that was life changing
I can so relate to this! I am in the middle of diag/eval and should now for sure next week, but I am 100% sure I'm way up on the spectrum. I am 57 and only recently learned about autism. My parents were mean alcoholics and my mother was sadistic, cruel and self-centered. Father was highly narcissistic. Both of them gaslighted me to no end. Because of this, I learned early on (around 10) that I needed to maintain my memories as well as I could. He died in 2021 and not only did she not tell me, she acted as though he was still alive when texting me. I had to find out on my own because she triangulates the family against me. My heart goes out to you, Taylor, and all of those who watch.
You also likely have C-PTSD from your dysfunctional family upbringing, which can be very difficult to isolate from co-existing ASD and related issues. Currently working my way through all of this as well. So sorry you had to endure this. Good luck with your diagnosis.
I'm trying to move on from apologizing for my existence all the time.
I support you in this endeavor!
A lot of the advice and encouragement that neurotypical people give feels like gaslighting
Here for subbing out gaslight for sunlight, moonlight, and starlight.
You are wonderful. I was just diagnosed Tuesday morning after months of assessment and more months of waiting. This video is a lovely start to what comes next for me.
so glad it is helpful to you! Thanks for your comment sara
Congrats on pushing through. It's not a fun process.
Congratulations!
Very interesting video thank you. Gaslighting is most evident in my case in that I doubt my intuition, even where the signs are quite clear and others can’t see what I see. I got entagled in a narcissist’s web for about two years, and last year October just before my diagnosis, I decided to sever all contact and communication with her. Sure enough a lot of her friends did the same. This was very validating for me. I was not imagining things.
You always help me by stating what I can't put into words what I can't communicate. I say too many words around the target and stumble to get there. Thank you for all you do.
Yes! Oftentimes when you've been gaslit you might use too many words bc you feel like you need to over explain yourself bc you've been made to doubt yourself so much. You feel like you have to overcommunicate but still aren't heard
I'm just watching this crying. Thank you for explaining these things. I just ended an 8 year relationship with someone I suspect to be a narcissist. I gas-lit the hell out of myself everyday. I have a lot of self discovery, healing, and learning to do.
I really really needed to hear what you had to say about others reactions not being our fault. Please talk more about that if possible. Thank you for all you do. You have helped so many people, I'm sure. I am 56 yrs old, recently diagnosed with ADHD, and recently self diagnosed ASD. I was lucky enough to happen across your channel when you first started I think.. anyways, you are an inspiration. Thank you
You’re welcome and I will try to talk more about this topic! Thanks for the suggestion
Gosh! How unbelievably timely was coming across this video of yours, Taylor! Thank you. The last few days my wife has been non stop that I don't suport her emotionally, that I don't react etc. I am completely burnt out, no energy for anything (the last drops go to my toddler kids for them to feel engaged and loved), I cannot physically say anything to anyone else. And yet every evening and every morning it is a non-stop nagging and shouting that I don't offer support...
Holy crap this has been really eye opening for me. I’ve been gaslighting myself for years
It’s a hard realization but such an important one! It has changed my life
Best video yet. Thank you for bringing this up. I'm 45 and not yet diagnosed, but I've struggled with this my entire life. No real sense of self or a feeling of belonging anywhere.
Looking forward to your next video.
Glad it was helpful! Thanks for the feedback.
I can really relate to the feeling of not belonging!!
Hello , I just found you ! Great thing! At 58 I have known all my life I am different. I have told people I am different. No one ever took me serious. Once I remember standing with some friends at church. They were laughing and talking about something. It was clear they considered me a part of what was going on. Yet in a moment an imaged came to my mind. I felt as though I was in a paper bag that separated me from them. They could not see the bag yet there it was keeping me from being a real part of the group. That image has been the definition of my life ! I haven't felt terribly bad about it , rather I have just accepted it like brown hair or green eyes. Only in the last year have I said to my self , ya know I might just be autistic !! I will spare all the details of my journey for now except to say that once I began exploring autism as an explanation for who I am I had one Aha! moment after another. I have revealed my discovery to three people including my son. He did not react more than hhmmmmm. Which was great. Anyway I was googling things about autism and ran into one of your videos. In it you said much f your life has been spent on the outside looking in. Never once from the time I was a small child til now have I ever felt anything other than being on the outside looking in. Has my life been dismal and sad? Nope , I have had a fairly happy life. Things have been well. But... it has largely been a life of pretend. About seven years ago my son saw me be very nice to a cashier. Not flirty , just nice , kind. When we walked away from the counter he told me I was being to nice to her. He said I became a different person. No he was not saying that I usually was not nice but rather I had behaved differently than normal. It was then that I blurted out for the first time that what he saw was me pretending. I had never even said those words to myself. It felt like I was revealing the secret code to my life. Have you ever heard of Ret-Conning ? Its when you look back at a historical moment and redefine what "actually" happened and how it relates to today. Retroactive Continuity. At 58 I am not sure of who I am and where I have been. No need to be concerned though , this sense of nebulosity isnt shaking me up. Its really just helping me to understand me. Anyway I will spend some time looking at more of your videos ... Thank you for sharing......Oh , I have not been diagnosed. Not sure I want to spend a grand for that at the moment.....
0:00 Intro, cool fidget toy roller, and why experience gaslighting
5:47 You're constantly questioning your own judgment, feelings, and experiences.
6:22 The voice inside your head is always telling you that you're overreactive or oversensitive.
7:08 You tend to question your own memories.
7:43 You blame yourself for what other people have done to you, or you tell yourself that you deserved what was done to you.
thanks for sharing this
Thanks for another video,Taylor 😊 I love your shirt xx
Thanks!! I love it too! I put it on bc I was very tired and thought it would pep me up :)
Every video of yours just feels like a wave rolling over me. Like it's rewriting my perception of my whole life. It wasn't my fault. I have a right to my feelings. I deserve to be cared for and heard. Grateful for you and your channel.
yep. I'm learning to unlearn it.
"We get used to not communicating our truth for the sake of not hurting other people's feelings" Is something I'm trying to deal with
Like, it doesn't take me that much effort to keep a home clean and tidy. But my mom's idea of a clean kitchen is enough to be considered a biohazard.
And I am trying to communicate that to her, in a non-combative way, but it seems to be impossible.
But I haven't had energy for anything lately because of how much I have to clean up after her.
I am done gaslighting myself into *thinking* that I have a right to want her to be responsible for her own messes, because I *do* and she already should.
I saw the Ono scroller when it first came out. I'll definitely put it on my wants list with the keychain. I've spent the past year trying to identify the bad messaging I received all my life but internalized... and now trying to recognize it so I can try to repair the damage.
I am a 25 years man, and I think I might be on the spectrum, after a life of dealing with ADHD and "discovering" I am HSP, I met low-support needs autistic girls lately who told me about their experiences, and it resonated with me too much that I started to look it up, your channel is one my favorites and I start to realize about myself soo much, but in the same time question: "is it really? or am I just making it up and making myself feel that way?" mainly regarding environment sensitivity, even though I got how complex and scarily amazing is the unconscious (well not anymore) masking system my brain created for it, so I will feel anything else but a direct overwhelm, it would have been wanting to go early, being anxious, going to be on headphones and withdraw, but still I will tell myself that now I actually feel it more strongly only because I think about it, and worse that I just made it up.
I have not been diagnosed just yet, and I am going to pursue it, but it's so hard, one moment you believe in your self-discovery, and one moment later you are trying to tell yourself you are wrong, and more I am trying to show myself I am wrong, the more autistic I discover I am.
I've been gaslight into thinking that when I was saying "I need more from you" that was the most vile and disgusting thing you can say to your partner 😑
gosh that's a tough one i'm sorry to hear that
You're the best Taylor. I'm in the middle of navigating divorce and this has hit the spot. 30 years together and still lots of love, my Aspie diagnosis just confirmed we're not able to be ourselves in the marriage. I'm SOOOOO looking forward to connecting with your community, they seem like such beautiful people.Mwah!
I'm so glad you're part of the community!! There are so many beautiful people here :) glad to have you here
I think I'm heading in to the same situation. I certainly feel I can never be myself in my marriage. Our lifestyle preferences and goals are very different and I don't cope well with the life we've ended up with.Good luck with everything.
My dad said to me that I have to be more confident because people don’t want to talk to me because they feel this uncomfort around me, he has always said similar things even when I was still undiagnosed . I think that’s what got me to mask and question whether I could trust myself. I have always been very stubborn on some things that I knew I didn’t want and not being honest was very difficult, even if I was always scared people would believe I had lied. It all made me doubt myself and question whether I had to make an effort and do things that they like but are not me knowing that others don’t seem to make an effort at all. Especially because I moved out a lot and there’s always this expectation you have to move on and adapt yourself when I had this resentment against this new place I had never wanted to live in.
Literally every single day of my life. There are days where I can't trust anything I say or do or think and its incredibly destabilizing and anxiety inducing. It really contributes to the imposter syndrome which for me is absolutely RAMPENT. My social issues are a bit less pronounced then others in the community and that can really contribute to that. But ive always been too sensitive, over reacting, cant take a joke ext. For a long time the biggest way i would mask was pretending to be "flexible" i genuinely thought i was a flexible person for a long time. Then i realized that people who are genuinely flexible aren't always stressed about it but desperately trying to keep a good attitude and hide all the discomfort. I thought everyone was like that with change
A lot of truth. We are attenas, highly sensitive, aware. We attract nacropsychos when we don't have boundaries. It was hard to come to terms that people don't have good intentions, lie manipulate. It's a better world when you understand this and gravitate to people who value and want us around.
This is amazing!!!
The thing with me is that I am sooo hyperaware & detail oriented that I remember it to the T
It’s my abusers : mother, father, older sibling & ex abusive partners & ‘friends’ who gaslight ME in saying I don’t remember it that way after so many years of being irrigated that “I never forget details” and literally hating me for it.. 💔 so they gaslight me by changing the goal post..
the only people left in my life who do that are my father, mother & well I stopped speaking to my sibling to heal more from his abuse that was still continuing as well as how he abused his wife & his girls watch. 💔💔
I’m so sorry to hear about what you’ve experienced. And you’re right changing the goal post is definitely another form of gaslighting and manipulation. I’m glad you’re taking steps to better support yourself.
Does lighting one’s own farts on fire constitute as gaslighting one’s self? Now back to the video I go!!!
I suppose you could make your own video about this 😆
The comic relief we needed
This is an important message for all empaths. ❤
I'm fully convinced autism is an evolutionary step
I believe that it's a valuable neurotype, but not necessarily the next step, more one we've already had for a long time and are waking up to
"You are not responsible for others feelings" funny, I got a psychologist (she was also my friend at the time) who told me the oposite when a few of my now ex friends started attacking for the stupidest thing ever while I was trying my best to solve things. She would join them and critize me, make fun of me at my back with them etc... and while deep down I know it made no sense and I did the best I could it does make you wonder if it had anything to do with you, if you had some responsability etc... and try to understand things when they make no sense so I definetly empathise with everything said
I understand this. People (especially other females, in my experience as an autistic female) seem to get really pissed at me just because I ask questions to try to understand. I on the other hand respect and appreciate those who ask questions and try to understand situations, people and the world around them. I will never understand the NTs who get so mad about this?
@@its.Lora. this. In my case it was both she and those other guys who did what you say but yeah, the same definetly happend to me, I try my best to understand what is going on and why (both directly and indirectly) yet you never get an answer, at least not one that makes sense, you always get the same response. I still don't know if I am autistic or not but I can see most of these things happening to me too, and those kind of people always act as if I said the oposite of what was said by me
@@its.Lora. I had teachers who really disliked me because I asked so many questions. When I myself was teaching a college class, there was a girl who would ask a whole lot of pretty elementary questions. I would answer all of them seriously and respectfully, partly because I wanted everyone to feel that there was no reason to be afraid of asking questions. A kind of miracle happened with this girl. She was suddenly thinking on a totally different level. It is like a light bulb turned on in her brain. She was aware of it and was really excited about it. She ended up majoring in my subject. I look back now and think that she was probably autistic.
And that ONO code works for Canadians too. Very nice. Um, now I suppose I should watch the rest of the video LOL.
yay! yes the ONO is awesome and available in multiple countries
Taylor, I hope you realize what a great help and support you provide. 61 years of age and JUST realized I'm "on the spectrum"...wow! What you are sharing rings SO TRUE...and...now, so much of my life "makes sense"!! Thank you❤
So I got diagnosed with autism last April. I told my family and got gaslighted by them or at least made to feel bad 🤦♂️
“Depleting yourself to help others” is my N1 topic in therapy. The psychopathic ex is N5 at best … 😂 He was way easier to evade than my own tendency to prioritize others over my health. You definitely hit a spot there, Taylor! 🖖🏼🙏🏻👏🏻
Yes. All this. Plus my ex is a narcissist. 😂
5:35 you are not alone with this 💜
“We will deplete ourselves to help others regulate their emotions.” Oh god I've done this. I've done it only once for a few months. But the level of exhaustion kept me out of energy for almost a year. That's some form of burnout, I'm pretty sure.
That's one more level of fear for intimacy that I acquired.
Omg. Yes. My dad and my ex are narcissists. Would love to explore that connection more. And I used to gas light myself a lot. Thanks Taylor.
Well, people have to be helped along their own feelings to get over what they have just heard. People depend on us and each other so we def affect each other, but then talking about the thing helps move things along and not get stuck.
This has been a huge issue for me, and is probably one of the barriers I faced getting diagnosed as well. So much of my childhood was spent regulating my parents’ emotional lives, not just because I felt guilty if I upset them, but because they were so volatile that even when I knew their feelings weren’t my responsibility, I *still* had to capitulate and fawn my way back into them calming down, because if I didn’t, it would make my sensory environment even more hellish and unpredictable than it already was.
If anyone else reading this has dealt with the same issue, I’m so sorry. Keep holding on. Even if you’re still financially dependent on your parents, you can eventually move away. You can control your own environment. It gets so much better.
"We are not responsible for other people's feelings"
I am so feeling this right now, I've given so much of myself in the past to make other people comfortable in their feelings, but I'm tired of it. I'm fine being polite, but I'm no longer willing to sacrifice my own needs and truth in order to placate someone else.
Is this having drastic consequences in my relationship, definitely, but do I feel happier and more myself every time I honor myself, also definitely!
❤💯 thank you so much Taylor ! The overwhelming empathy towards so many narcissists. 😪
For me, not trusting my inner self shows up on a weird way. After carefully analyzing a situation preparatory to making a decision, I often ignore my own analysis and just go with a random choice.
I NEEDED TO HEAR THIS. I have been practicing this so much the past few years, but just now FINALLY getting to the point I gaslight myself LESS than I used to and I needed this to remind myself all this!!!!!!❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
Thank you so much very much!
You’re welcome! Glad to hear it was helpful.
Very true about the empathy and helping other people regulate their emotions!
My mom and I are autistic and we are both married to narcissists. It makes perfect sense that this would be what we go for as dependent people.
Love yourself the way you love others.
Ooof I needed to especially hear that last bit bc I do gaslight myself into thinking I’m the cause or the reason why I hardly have anyone to talk to or be close to these days! Thank you for this video!
I really needed to hear the part about not being responsible for the emotional regulation of others.❤
This video has summed up the entirety of my existence. Up until now. I believed the only cure is to not exist.
Hi Tay, yes, I think I've gaslit myself. That's because I was raised in a very toxic environment, at home, at school, and later in workplaces. Since I was born, literally everyone has told me I'm worthless, my needs aren't important, my feelings are wrong, and my memories aren't like I remember. It's hard living in a world where you're anything but a target since kindergarten.
You learned that skill to survive, and I’m so glad you survived. You deserve happiness, comfort, calm, connection, joy, beauty, and solace in every day of your life, and I hope you continue moving towards all good things. I am ragefully angered at your abusers and I hope they never have access to you again.
@@theanadevine Thank you my friend. It means a lot.
I can’t imagine what it has been like to grow up with those messages. You are worth so much. 💖💖💖
@@MomontheSpectrum Thank you Tay.
Programmed messages are NOT the self gaslighting. Only propagated waves for which self is not to blame! Learning to recognize and counter is great, but that also is for an autistic experiencing after formative period.
I have this life also and I cannot counter the demonization, but I support myself as valuable and not the person responsible for self-scam. I did not and cannot create any gaslight, but neither can I alter what I learned to detect.
I have aphantasia and all the "new elite" privileged autistic feel entitled to aspi'splain to me, who qualified as 11/5 worstest grade of imbecile in the 1950s how I don't 'fit' the credentials to be autistic now as not-their-clone, unentitled to breathe if I don't support their agenda.
I’m not certain if I’m autistic. I related to all of this. I needed to hear this today even though it makes me feel sad. I’m tired of questioning my intuitive feelings.
My entire life! 50+ years and I'm just finding out I have autism. And all my trauma and sickness the last 15 years!
I watched this prior to my therapy session, and made a huge impact on my session, but also my frame of mind and brought me a light bulb 💡 moment! I’ve thanked you for other videos, but need thank you again! You make a difference! And I’m grateful!
Thanks. Another perspective to take some more shame and weight off.
thanks, I hear you are thinking on levels I think, giving great advice,
some are no different than mine and I give to some in my private life.
but already learned some I did not come around to find myself. great stuff.
On the subject of autistic empathy, for me, when I was a teen, I thought I didn't have emotions. But in retrospect I have come to understand that I was just so overwhelmed by my emotions, and so unsafe with my own emotions, that I was dissociated from all emotion. I was so emotionally burnt out that I thought I didn't feel.
I was also a psychic sponge, and I was over saturated with the emotional issues of my narcissistic parents. I literally just didn't have room to feel my own feelings, so they were all super repressed. However, yes, I now understand that I am actually a deeply emotional person.
Wow. So much good stuff.
Narcissists...check
Naive and over trusting...check
Self gaslighting... 1, 3, and 4 check.
All the other little things...check.
Needing to hear that I'm not responsible for others emotions, reactions, responses...check.
Thank you!
Thank you so much, Taylor! I almost didn’t watch this video, but I went ahead and watched to the end and of course when you said, “I don’t know who needs to hear this…” you were speaking directly to me. I have been dealing with feeling responsible for others’ emotional reactions (think big, dramatic, negative, massively harmful reactions) for YEARS, and the timing couldn’t have been better for me to hear this. I’m going to need a lot of strength going into the next few weeks, and I will keep coming back to this.
Yep, i agree with you. In fact, i think it's that innate tendency to take people as who they say they are is what attracts deeply narcissistic people . And i can't emphasize strongly enough just how incredibly TOXIC such personalities are and i STRONGLY encourage anyone with such a person in their life to keep them at a safe distance and NEVER, EVER confide in them or tell them your plans or dreams. People with extreme narcissism FEED OFF OF other people's pain. The narcissist needs to feel they are right all the time and cannot handle being treated as anything but the center of your feelings and wants. They're just very, very manipulative and very slick, so it's often the case you won't notice till they hurt you and then you realize *they don't care that you're hurt*. Yeah, just keep a good health distance and never stay friends with anyone who will not accept when you say,"No ". A real friend will respect your feelings and your rights. Fake friends WON'T.
Thank you for defining the terms! I had so many AHa! moments when you linked all the terms together with your explanations. All the things you said you didn’t intend to “get into” - soooo helpful to me. Thank you for all you do! ❤
you're very welcome! thanks for your comment
Thank you for another gently handled, authentic and informative video. I've been watching your channel to educate myself and be able to support my 23 year old who has recently gone through the ASD evaluation process (in the UK) and is expecting a diagnosis any day now. Whatever the outcome, you're helping us both massively and I want to thank you for that 💗
I have never felt, as validated in my life my as I do now after finding you. I am so very grateful 🙏🏻 This is the missing🧩 piece to my mental health. It has been a very long painful journey, I was looking because my Son was diagnosed. I have been given so many labels, and honestly never agreed. I am so obviously Autistic ADHD, and well I had really crappy childhood = CPTS. It is so amazing to feel I have tools and people who are just like me.😊❤ The biggest relief of all, is I am not broken, I can stop trying to fix myself.
I have a few people I love that do not understand how much this piece matters, this I am finding difficult.
so glad this has been a helpful piece to your mental health journey!! welcome to the community. and thanks for taking the time to share this with me
God bless you. Always thought this but have ever heard it from someone until now. Gaslight is where I’ve grown up and yes, it is very scary. Thank you Taylor.
Thank you.... this is exactly what I need to hear. I am in a situation where someone is upset at me and blaming me for things that I did not do or they are misunderstanding. This information is so helpful.
I discovered you today with this video. I'm already bookmarking several of your recent videos to chew through when i get off work. Thank you for existing.
Thank you Taylor! I always feel at home in your videos. And especially when you go off script “I wasn’t gonna talk about this but…”! I always find myself smiling. I do this 500 times a day with my staff. Every time you do it, you hit some really important points!! So thank you for letting yourself go there and not editing those parts out ❤
Thank you so much for this interview! Exactly this plays a big role in my life....now I know how to describe it, cause thats hard. When you grow up with it, then you might not notice it's unhealthy for you or even that it might not be normal..
Taylor you are so right about autistic people being empathic, I can't remember a time I wasn't. And in my last relationship, which was years ago, my ex was mot able to regulate his own emotions at all. It made for a very frustrating time for both of us.
Will watch it soon! I have thought about this a lot, also- be careful with sharing this habit with others, I have caught myself a couple of times sharing bad habits with others (sharing unnecessary judgments and unhelpful advice and thoughts), just as important! Gaslighting can also happen with good intention behind it, in fact, I feel like gaslighting with good intentions behind it isp more harmful so- be aware!