Why Addicts Lie To The Ones They Love
HTML-код
- Опубликовано: 4 окт 2024
- People who are in a relationship with an addict are consistently hurt by lies and manipulation. However, an addict's lies have more to do with maintaining their addiction than a desire to hurt the ones who love them.
Get more help and support. Visit my Facebook page Living With Addiction: / jonathanleagueaddictio...
Links of Support Groups for family living with addiction:
www.al-anon.org/
www.nar-anon.org/
www.celebratere...
Jonathan League
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
Website: www.jonathanlea...
===================================================================
Facebook: / jonathanleaguelpcc
RUclips Channel: / @jonathanleaguefamilyt...
Instagram: / jonathanleague
Pinterest: / jonathanleague
Twitter: / leaguejonathan
If you stay you might as well take the drugs yourself. You have all the suffering of an addict and none of the benefits. That thought helps me stay away from them.
Addiction consumes that addict and the ones around them.
The only benefits are a couple hours of "high" and hours and hours and hours of miserable
yes , well said!
Good way of looking at it
Damn this was heavy
I’m an amphetamine addict in early recovery. Man... this comment section really hits hard. Because I totally understand the point of view of all of these people, and I totally agree, your all victims of terrible manipulative people. But honestly, everyone in the situation is a victim. I do think that if you’re in a relationship with an addict, you should get out as fast as possible, but don’t hate them for the things they do...
it is
their choice but it is not their fault.
Every day I mourn the fact that I have touched these terrible drugs and that I have such a predisposition and that I have hurt so many people and that I have to live with the knowledge that I could return to this terrible cycle any day.
Swift I just left my boyfriend of 8,5 years three weeks ago after he relapsed for the 6th time (gambling and crypto addiction) because he lied about it again. And it happened right under my nose while we were in quarantine. I understand that the comment section is harsh but just want you to know that even though it seems ruthless, most of us do care about the addict deeply. I don’t hate my ex boyfriend, I love him and will always love him but I had to choose myself over him this time. The other five times I believed in him and I believed the lies: this is the last time, I’m not broke, this won’t happen again, trust me, I will change, I’m not addicted, it’s is different this time, it’s not your money, it’s not affecting you, why are you overreacting, i’m doing it for our future etc. I know the addiction is not his fault, I just cannot be the enabler anymore. I’m broken, I’m done, I’m in too much pain.
Wishing you all the best
Wow well put I feel same way bro
How are you doing now? I'm gonna pray for you
I don't know how addiction is not someone's fault.
When a person grows with full knowledge and awareness and an abundance of information about dangers of addictive substances, dangers of addiction itself and illegal lifestyle it carries , and - they STILL choose to play with it - it is their fault.
But of course, if you are born into a family of addicts and grew up on drugs, then it's not your fault that you are an addict.
Similarly, if you overeat junk foods, fully knowing how addictive they are, fully knowing that you've developed type two diabetis and knowing that reducing food consumption inside an environment with temptation will not be possible yet still choosing to live that way and not even trying to change their environment into a healthier one - it is a person's fault.
But if it's a child who grew up to be obese by the age of 8 because he is raised by the family of compulsive junk food eaters - it is noy his fault.
Similarly, if you smoked all your life and you got lung cancer - it is your fault.
But if you exercised, ate healthy, and never ever smoked in your life AND you got lung cancer - it's not your fault.
They will bring you down with them, don't do it, get out of the drug relationship,it's toxic being with em 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
Problem is I really care about her and I'm afraid if I cut contact with her I'll see the news some day and find out she died from an overdose. I just don't know what to do or say!
Shirleyshump1973cooper Cooper I'm facing and in a relationship with one. He keeps leaving me but he comes back with money I have small children.
Ariane Caskey yeah I just need courage to leave
To Searching 4 Myself:My husband was an alcoholic + unbeknownst 2 me a drug addict 2. I'd had enough after 16 years of lies,stealing + numerous rehabs.I turned my back on him 2 let him hit rock bottom. It backfired.I saw him on the news.He was murdered.PLEASE don't turn ur back on her.She's sick + needs ur help.I don't want this 2 happen 2 u or 2 any1.The guilt + grief I deal with everyday is crushing.Good luck 2 u + ur lady.
@@amyjohns1103 You cant force anyone to live right. All they will do is make you poor!
Its so heartbreaking how they are in soo much denial and is so childish about lying
It is heartbreaking. Thanks for watching!
I'm tired and I'm not the addict. I don't know why he is not tired
You need to take care of you!
Because he's not fighting it, he's escaping it. 💯
You are tired because you think you can deal with this. Stop being so forgiving towards him. See the disease for what it is.
Wow, that is so true. I was always so tired and he would wake up and do the same things over and over.
This. I feel this.
Its weird how after I sobered up, it took months, but eventually my head cleared up, and I saw through all the bullshut, I saw my old friends who used over 1 year later and I just looked at them like omg, that was me, I couldn't even fathom being that way, but if I relapsed I would be that way, in the blink of an eye" just to clarify I saw them at a store and quickly left" the craziest part is they didn't even recognize me, I was sober and healthy, and working out lol
good for u, my bf used to think like that , he relapsed and messed up after one year of being clean.
I needed to hear this. My childrens father is an addict. He lies constanly and he left us again for another addict. Thank you for this video.
I finally had to let go of my addict boyfriend of two years. He was addicted to Heroin. I had actually known him from my teenage years. I knew he was into the streets back in the days. But I had NO CLUE that he used drugs.
Anyways, he told me he was in recovery and two years clean. He said that he was turning his life around and was serious about his recovery. I was still a bit skeptical as I never dealt with a situation like this before. BUT he was so damn CONVINCING! Every thing was peachy at first, then after three months I started to see the nodding effect. He blamed that on being tired. I didn't quite believe it but I thought ok he works and workout at the gym a lot. So maybe that's true or maybe I just wanted to believe what he was telling me.
We didn't live together so I didn't know what he was doing all the time. However, I knew something wasn't right but I just couldn't put my finger on exactly what it was. I started having anxiety and just couldn't shake the sicking feeling in my stomach. So I broke up with him, got back together then broke up again. Then the last go around he moved in with me after a year long separation. He looked really good and seem like he was working on himself. Things went well again for about 4 months. Then one morning I got up to make a cup of coffee. And there he was at the kitchen table getting high. IN my house! This was my first time actually seeing "evidence".
I was so shocked I didn't know what to do. He had totally violated my trust. I told him if I ever caught him doing anything like that he would have to go. And in true addict form he told me " I wasn't seeing what I though I was seeing" lol I told him he has a month to get some cash together and leave. I also cut off every thing in term of helping him i.e. money, food, etc. He had to provide for himself. And guess what? He did! See what they can actually do when you put your foot down. Called his family to make them aware of what was going on. And the enabler's that they are they welcomed him with opened arms. I sent him home to his mother.
It was one of the HARDEST things that I ever had to do. Because I has actually grown to love him. But I had to muster up the strength to love me more. It's been over six months now. I still love him and spoken to him a few times. But he's seeing someone "new" now. It's probably a rebound situation and wont last. Because I know he's lying to her. They seem to move on very quickly when you aren't playing along with their addictive lifestyle. I have realized that he was lying and manipulating me, friends, and family. And he wasn't actually serious about his recovery. He was just buying time and in the end wanted me to except what he was doing. He told me that now that the cat is out of the bag he doesn't care what happens. ha smh But I just couldn't deal. It's not the life I want to live.He just isn't ready to face the man in the mirror. And this ex addict girl (well always and addict) he is with now proves it. Sorry for the long post but this was such and extraordinary event in my life. Not in such a good way either. I just hope in the end he gets the help he needs. Because I wasn't qualified to give it to him.
So happy to hear you are taking care of yourself. Thanks for sharing your story!
Thank you, and your welcome. :)
Taylor, Faye God bless you strong lady.
Taylor, Faye I hope you found someone deserving of you. I hope your x finds happy times in his life as well. I've been in his shoes. He prob really loves you but had to put his addiction first so never take that personal it's wicked stuff
Taylor, Faye wow this sounds like my story. We’re married so I’m not sure if this is the worst part of the better or for worse of our vows. Prayers your way
Had to let my son go, 26 yo. It hurts but he was draining me emotionally and financially, I haven't spoke to him in a month after I put him out for stealing, I don't know where he is, and he has a son 3yo that I help raise he just walked away, Im sad and mad but I have to move on.....God help him...
Yess Lord !👑 Help him 👍
HOLY SPIRIT give him the conviction to come back to You
Merci et courage 👍🗺👑
I am you, i have lost everything from drug addiction..both my children ate addicts...im broke financially which i can take, but my broken heart is unbearable..
ms ve --- he will be back and dont worry, he is thinking of his next scam to run on you. Trust me i know. $100,000.00 later my son is still up to his old tricks duping my wife out of money.
God will but only when he reaches a point of such pain that he has no choice but to call on him. I did but this world doesnt like christians much as this place belongs to his arch enemy. prison is where i found him. I will pray for him right now. By the way you didn't do anything wrong the world is what poisoned his mind and that would have started his first day of school. I think you would agree somehow
@@francechabot3171 Are you serious? The LAST THING a person needs is a thief and a liar to come back to them. You done bumped your head!
Truly helpful and thanks so much. I just had to end an engagement to an alcoholic and two weeks later the web of lies that I have uncovered is truly unsettling
Sorry to hear that you had to go through that. Addiction is truly destructive. Hopefully your Ex will seek the help they need.
I was an enabler for 3 years. I can never be with my daughters father again, and it hurts a lot. I’m really lost right now, but I’m trying my best for my daughter. My days are a bit dark
Sorry you are going through this. Hang in there!
Jonathan League thank you💙
Sending love❤️
I needed to hear this as reassurance that I did the right thing.. It was so hard.
it really is the hardest thing to do the letting them go part also breaks you doen too my husband was an addict too
Rethink it dont believe all these people that have nothing to do with you.
Because you will think about them alot! "What could have i done to help?"
@@alfredoreyes8058 makes no sense what you wrote
The saddest part was my addict got sober and still lied and appears to have cheated either a fellow AA person. I was under the mistaken notion he would be a better man, but I liked the addict better. Now he is angry, tells me things are black when they are white and is cold and aloof.
😪Thank you. My heart is broke.
Sorry to hear that. Hang in there.
Mine to
Gina me too
I feel the same, and I’m not okay. I just joined Al-Anon. Hoping it helps.
I don't love my brother anymore, I am completely drained. The relationship is toxic. We are better off not dealing with eachother. I am over it. I don't feel anymore obligation to care for him.
Not being obligated to take care of your brother is where you actually need to be with him. As much as we are focused on “saving the addict” they have a different focus, “Getting High.” You will exhaust yourself working towards a goal the addict is not interested in pursuing. Of course, I don’t know what is exactly going on in your situation, but I do know that a life of addiction is a life full of shame and disconnection. Try to find this balance, “I love you, and I am here for you, but I will not get sucked into your life of pain.” This is all you can really do for him while taking care of yourself and the other people for in your life you care for. My thoughts and prayers are with you!
Even when you find their meth pipe, they will never admit defeat or wrongdoing. Even when they destroy every relationship you have and ruin your life with lies and deception. They will never admit it. Thank you for this video. How do I deal with the ptsd I have to cope with after a toxic relationship such as this? It's exhausting and difficult to swallow.
I’m in the saaaaaaaame boat.
crack heads give the functioning crack users a bad name. I don't like the addicts.
its always your fault if you get physically addicted (not including victims of big pharma's prescription opioid epidemic)
My stepson is an alcoholic and the 2 years we tried to help him were the hardest 2 years of our lives. In the end, with the constant stress of each relapse our own mental health was badly effected. We had to ask him to leave. Boundaries are so important. Don't let the addict ruin YOUR health, finances or relationships as they are slowly destroying their own lives.
My girlfriend that wanted to be with is a alcoholic. Not sure what to do . She is kind but defaults to bad things . Smokes like a chimney. She is basically homeless now . Says she going to stop drinking and smoking but never happens. Her beautiful looks are going .
My four year relationship just ended after 7+ times he could never tell me but I would always find out, its was hard to go through this pain and unhealthy relationship the past two years because he is the one that found me and wanted this relationship. He said he was scared to lose me that’s why he never told me, in reality he was being selfish and trying to just not get in trouble or caught in order for me to not see him in a different way in resulting to me eventually leave him...
All you want to do is see best for the person when they are just hurting themselves and down spiraling but it hurts because all the pain and frustration is on your chest and your worrying for someone else who could careless at this moment for it all or for themselves in that matter.
Everything you're saying is 💯% true! I had to break up with my boyfriend because of his addiction to snorting Percocets. He always said he could handle it and that he's "not addicted" but his actions proved otherwise...how he'd lie about things, disappear all night and I wouldn't hear from him till the next morning, his anger outbursts and mood swings. His mother is also a great enabler... Wanting to believe his lies of "change" which doesn't help. He's definitely in denial. It's sad that addiction is ruining his life!!! Everything good in his life doesn't last and eventually falls apart in time. I hate addiction!!!! Thanks for your video.
It's always sad to hear of lives being destroyed by addiction. Thank you for your comments!
Exactly what I'm going through....out all night the LIES...just lost and confused to what I should do! 😓
run and freaking pray. its not worth the heartache. This pain hurts especially when youre in love
Sounds exactly like the situation I was in!! How are you doing? Im still recovering from what my ex put me through bexause of his heroin addiction and dealing with his enabling mother
my ex story still love him but had to let him go
This is what got me to leave even though it broke me. The stress finally stopped after I left which was hard.
I know!!! It’s the hardest thing anyone can ever have to do!!! My thought and prayers are with you!
After 20 years. Listen to me 20 years I finally get it! She left me- did me the biggest favor ever! Let them go-they can’t change! I cried when she left- thought what now. What am I going to do with our son?? Guess what it was actually easier- I was doing everything anyways. No more drug dealers, boyfriends I had more money. More time. Go to church and get right with the Lord. He has blessed me so richly taking this woman from my life. I’m not angry. I’m finally happy and at peace! 1 Cor 7:15!
Good riddance is what I say. I got rid of one after only 2 weeks and I'm still reeling. I think after so much using, they have no conscience
My brother happens to be an addict and my mother believes him everything and i hate it. You can't help them. They have to want it. It was hard to just accept because you want them to do good but unfortunately there's is nothing you can do if they don't want to:(. And for all u guys who are dealing with this shit: 1. you're not alone 2. it's not your fault 3. accept the situation as it is 4. don't believe anything they say 5. i wish you the best in live because we deserve to be happy even when its hard! But you deserve it! ❤️
Thank You for sharing your words of encouragement!
I pray that he has gotten help and is still with us ❤️🙏
I got two younger brothers and me too i am a recovering heroine addict,i wonder how my brother's would have felt about me
I'm the enabler. It's ending tomorrow.
itsnotthesamething--Well? it didn't end did it.
How you getting on?
Did the enabling end?
My wife says that all the time
I was enabling my niece. Yes, it ended. She's still out there, but I'm not supporting her any longer. I was her last chance, and she blew it. I still love her, but from a distance. I don't know why I never got notifications for some of the older replies, but now that I got a notification, I am responding.
Thank you for this video. It brang to light alot of the things my ex was telling me. Lies lies and denial. Every time i confronted him he said, i was judgeing him and critical and i was wrong for that.. He made himself look like he had everything under control and believed his own lies. Even when i found the homemade crack pipe, He still did not hold himself accountable. He blamed me for stressing him out and that though he was clean, for 3 months, which was a lie. I pushed him back to drugs. My ex has been an addict for 30 years but, like your video said, i thought it was under control and it was not. I finally made the decision to walk away from our marraiage of 28 years because, he does not seem to want to change. And this video made me realize, i made the right choice. Thank you.
My boyfriend of 5 years is the love of my life but his addiction has drained my energy and has turned me into an unhappy person. He promised so many times to get clean and stay sober but it only last a little while then he's back to getting high. He lies and hides so much from me. I left him 2 weeks ago and told him if he wants to get clean to do it for him self because if he tries to do it for me it will never be successful he has to want it for himself. I need to focus on my happiness and find me again because I lost myself trying to help him with his addiction.
Same story with my ex of 5 years.. all lies about quitting then catching the lies weeks or months later..alcohol and hardcore drugs..i had to leave, then 2 days later she had a new guy, so obviously there was someone on the side..lie, cheat, and she told me she stole from her family to sell jewelry for drugs.. its not a life anyone wants to live, you think YOUR gonna be the one to save them, but reality is you cant, its out of your control
@@robkeller8008 6 months later and I still haven't givin in to the lies and bs. All I can do is wish he gets better someday for himself and continue to live mine without any problems. And you're definitely right you can't change anybody they can only do that for them.
I just broke up with someone addicted to alcohol. For over 8 months, he convinced me that he had overcome his addiction and all was well but I had a nagging feeling something wasn’t right. But I just thought I was overthinking or being fearful. Come to find out, he’d been lying to me the whole time. All the weird behaviors and symptoms finally came together and I’m left simply baffled. Watching videos like this really helps me understand a world I knew nothing about. Unfortunately, my now ex is still in denial. And it feels like crap to have to let him go in this state. So much potential being flushed down the drain. I pray he gets the help he needs and overcomes his addiction for good. I really loved him. 😔
I hope he accepts help and makes the change. Even though this was so hard for you, I'm glad that you were able to make a decision to do what was best for you and him.
i am glad and sad that i came along your comment.. this all has helped me.. thank you.. and thank you Jonathan. God bless!
Glad it helped.
currently watching this crying, trying not to finish this bottle of wine... but thankful for this video....i just broke up with an addict. Even with proof that he was lying he would still deny shit or wouldnt "remember" he has become abusive and overly aggressive. i love this man and still do with all my heart, but i keep getting hurt and because im hurt and now "he's hurt" things have gotten worse. I am blamed for anything that doesn't go right for him, and constantly at this point blamed for things he likes to turn into something much bigger than need be. he cyber cheated me on me but after he was honest about it he went back to it multiple times. as if being honest would justify cheating again...but lets face it its obvious he has done more than cyber cheat on me, the msgs i saw he was sending to multiple girls was with intent. He is very delusional and out of touch with reality and I want him back. I want the healthy him back, the healthy honeymoon stage back. he is the definition of a liar and a manipulator....i feel like I was dating the devil to make this already long comment short(er). When i first met him shortly he admitted to smoking meth and i tried not judge or say anything right away. And because he had it "under control" it clouded my judgement to leave him sooner. I thought he had it under control. In his own words he is a "functioning meth head". You cant get through to him you cant get an honest answer out of him he is aggressive and hostile. On this drug as well hypersensitive with as well a very entitled attitude there after. He has a way of not telling the whole truth and getting people on his side but as delusional as he is, when he speaks his peace after placing blame on me, he just looks stupid. and its reassuring im not the only one that sees it. He has broken me with the emotional abuse...today he wished i had actually taken my own life...I know its the drugs talking but.....i couldnt help but take it personal. I just want him to get help and be willing to get help. I love this man. I want him to get better and i still care about him...but sucks ive gotta think for myself and never look back. Leave and hope he gets better then maybe come back to me..I ask God every day why he chose to bring this man in my life. All I am now is one big shattered broken heart. He broke me
Moriah Banks 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾
He is a narcissist. Screw him. Think about what YOU want. Leave him in the shadows.
You are not alone
The same thing is happening to me now....he is a stranger to me, I don’t even know him anymore and neither do my kids....it’s AWFUL. He used to be an amazing husband and father, and like I said....we don’t even know him now. All because of his addiction . I have decided to take care of my kids and I, and love him from afar.
Moriah Banks you have bigger problems than a drug person, he is a narcissist and dangerous.
This was so enlightening and I HATE IT! My heart as a mother is broken. I love my daughter so much, and exhausted, I know I'm not her savior. All these years that I've just thought if I try harder, and try this new thing, be relentlessly supportive,....on and on.....
I'm so frightened. Releasing is a letting go, and that feels like the ultimate abandonment and betrayal. Every day for 25 years I've been steadfastly there for her. From the cradle. And now what!?
It is so painful to watch someone you love destroy their life. "Tough Love" is not betrayal. Rather, it is choosing to not participate in the destruction of their life.
This is so heartbreaking for me💔
This actually helped me, thank you. Especially the part where you said that I most probably would not be the one to help my son. He does not listen to me and has not for many years. I had to tell him he could not stay with me after he arbitrarily dumped all his possessions on my porch without communicating with me at all and just expected to move in. I live in a seniors only mobile home park, so that along with me being alone after my divorce and just plain tired of it all could not let him live with me. He screamed profanities for two days at me. Has not spoken to me in 6 months. I had tried to help him for over 15 years. Yep, 15 years of my life, and his. Now he hates me. Seriously, how much does a mom have to do? During that situation I realized I was not the one that would be able to help him ultimately get off the drugs. Thanks for the video.
This is all true and it hurts so much.
You mentioned sharing this video with other people who may need to hear it.
And there are plenty of people in my family who do need to hear this same message. But they don't care. I've too tried sharing my own version of this knowledge to them. It has only made me look like an enemy.
It's a really sad and miserable situation to be in, because I have no means of getting out of it or away from them. It hurts to see people who you're supposed to care about the most, blindly dig their own graves and try to take you with them.
I can't help but cry hearing this because in my case it's true. I am an enabler, and I'm creating my own truth by thinking things will change. It hasn't. I know everything that has been said to me when it comes to telling me things will be better, that everything we've ever lost will be regained again won't. The people who are going to be hurt in this relationship is not just me, but his kids as well. First it's the car, then the job, and now, everything that is left that he can get a hold on, he'll use to supplement that habit. I can't afford to live on my own with two children, but I'm going to have to in the future. Sometimes that distorted belief they have created for themselves even includes brushing off upholding the law. They think they can drink, and need cocaine to stay up so they are able to drive. The more he's given a pass by law enforcement the more he's going to be bold about it and carry on. The problem with addicts is, they will never see the damage that is doing to the people around them (especially their family). If I get upset, no sweat off his back, he'll just run off to his other user friends where he can feel the camaraderie because everyone that opposes to what they do are the "bad" ones. Unfortunately I have my own mental health issues, and seeing that our family life, and marriage is going down In a downward spiral is causing me to be depressed. Angry. That the only thing I know to make sense of what is going on is that it's my fault, and I can't live like this knowing I'm a contributor because I have no power to help him. Love is not enough. Martyrdom is for door mats. And I, come from a family of doormats whose relatives and own mother stayed with their partners who emotionally abuse them. My father was (probably still is a womanizer; had had children with his mistresses); not only did my husband cheat on me, he also takes lots of drugs. Just because he hasn't OD'd yet he thinks he's got in under control. Those are the many lies that he tells himself that what he's doing is ok, and that everything is under control. Did he feel remorse for cheating on me? Not really. In fact the blame was put on me. I get gaslighted so many times, not only do I feel like the lowest common denominator, I just want to die already. But, I am a coward. I don't know how to off myself. I always think about my kids finding me; and I can't do that to them. So I take this in the
chin, and pretend I'm ok for the kids. But it's been going on close to a decade now. And I'm not superwoman. I am frail especially even more now that I've stopped talking to people who I would confide in, because they will tell me the painful truth of, you shouldn't have gone back with him. I'm sure they're
tired of hearing me whine, and yet I still allow for his emotional, and mental manipulation to take hold of me. I have no one to talk to now. And it just a matter of time, maybe not today, or the next month, I will grow really tired, and end this all. Here I am telling him I'm drowning, and he's out there describing the water.
“For each of us, there comes a time to let go. You will know when that time has come. When you have done all that you can do, it is time to detach. Deal with your feelings. Face your fears about losing control. Gain control of yourself and your responsibilities. Free others to be who they are. In so doing, you will set yourself free.
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
chen2xleon hang in there. When you leave them alone and start loving God and yourself more it will get better.
Lord, I pray that you and your children are in a better place now. 💕
@@JonathanLeagueFamilyTherapist it's harder when it's your child. Harder to let go. You feel like you're the only thing standing between them and the street if you let them go yet it's too hard to live with at times. You helped though and I'm going to find help so I can help us both.
So true!! I was with an addict for 10 years, I was in complete denial and it was very difficult to come to reality and live that relationship. AL-ANON really helped me and I was able to leave, it wasn’t easy and I still struggle with guilt but I’m staying strong and healthy! I don’t miss the craziness. Will love to help others
Jesus I needed to hear this to Understand my partner OMG!!! Awesome video
Glad it helped.
I'm up at 3am and thank you! I need alanon. I have a few questions about the behavior of an addict. Do you have an email I'm embarrassed to post them?
Jonathan League pls send me your email address
Thank you I just went to my first Al-Anon meeting this morning and I thought it was fantastic
Thank you 😊 it’s so hard to watch the person you love struggle with addiction and not be able to help them, I’m trying to learn how to deal with that situation right now
This video is wonderful and very true and hard to take in because we truly love our addicts, and we think we know what is best. mines will be out of rehab very soon and I am trying to practice the 12 steps in Nar Anon, so we can both be successful in recovery. One day at a time.
The best way to help an addict is to first take care of yourself. Blessing to both of you!
I’m addict. It is true and to me so baffling the power this shit has on me to bloody take me over. Without a surrender. To help. Continuous help I can’t get clean. Or more importantly stay clean. So if you got time clean. Give back to the next soul. Addicts can help addicts. DAILY. Love n tolorance.
I kept wondering for years why my boyfriend couldn't stop lying about simple things. I found out recently that he's been drinking behind my back, any chance he gets. 9 years. He was so good at it. I NEVER suspected it. I just thought he was childish, selfish, jealous, full of contempt for me, and a liar. But any time he messed up, he would go overboard to try and fix things. I told him when we first started out, I wont be with anyone who drinks, period, so that's why he hid it.
My husband lied about stupid things too while in his addiction, small things I would have understood had he been honest. I still don't understand why he lied about them.
this is the most essential law of karma. thank-you sir! 100%
:)
Thank you for your words .not an easy thing to stand up and be counted ,as an addict in recovery I know one thing for sure de-nile is a very very long river .until one accepts the ugly truth of the matter and give up the "drivers" position in life stepping out of ego ,with a mind opened to hear all about you,yourself and responsibility to new way of going about things in life , it's a long swim ,get out and in to oneness with self
Thank you SO MUCH for this information..it really hit home!
:)
Last night I had to call the police on my boyfriend. I found out he had relapsed from drinking and started snorting meth in secret. This was a violation of his parole, and so he's going to jail. I'm afraid to walk into my room, I have a panic attack every time I look in there because I think I'm finally ready to clean up his mess. I hear his voice singing in my head, like he's still trying to calm me down. He's so sick, and he just can't seem to get up and get himself together. We've tried 5 rehabs. 10 hospitalizations. We spent Christmas in the ICU. He spent my birthday in the psych ward.
He's been my best friend since we were 14, and we were supposed to get married. He finally had a job, we were finally enjoying building this life together. We were dancing and playing and laughing. Yesterday was the happiest day we've had in a long time. And then once the sun went down he became a different person. I looked into his eyes and he wasn't there. He was a monster. A big angry scary monster.
I'm grieving the loss of the man I knew, and the man I planned my future with. Everything hurts. I can hardly breathe. Nothing feels safe anymore.
I know I did the right thing. I know he needs the help. I know none of this is my fault. I know I'll be okay one day.
But... damn... this hurts so badly.
He's so brilliant and talented and caring and thoughtful and creative and charismatic and funny and beautiful. He is everything I could have possibly wanted. But the high matters more. I can tell he's tired of it too. I can tell he doesn't want to be this...loser. I can see that it's eating him away. I know I can't do anything about it.
F*ck. It just hurts so badly.
There are many pains a person can feel in this life. This is a pain I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Addiction robbed him of everything that mattered to him. Everything that mattered to me and his family. Everything can be taken away from you in the blink of an eye.
This. Just. Hurts.
So so badly.
I'm going through same thing it's hard you know it's not them .
Fuckin’ narc.
Mine openly talks about his addiction. Everyone knows. He embraces it. I don't know what to do anymore. He doesn't want help. He's said he does then says he doesn't. And, it continues with the back and forth. With no action. I love him. And I don't want to leave him. But, if this continues. I don't know what else to do. We can't live together because of it. And, I'm tired of being tired, torn and putting my life continually on hold. My heart is broken for him..
Hi Sarah, hope things are going okay for you now. Just wanted to say you’re definitely not alone. I felt this way for the past year and a half. Now it’s really bad, and I just…I have to let go. Kills me, I couldn’t work today.
I suggest you break the attachment to this person. Your happiness and self love is what matters.
If it isn’t causing issues and he doesn’t want to stop then by definition it isn’t addiction.
Lots of people commenting who dont know what they are talking about.
Part of it is denial yes and the case he first describes is very extreme. Often addicts lie to protect their families or loved ones and often they lie because they feel they have no choice. Giving up on them is not the answer or someone will give up on you when your on your arse, yes it possible! Tough love is needed for sure and certainly protect yourself and your children at all costs. As the man says Stop taking it personally......
I am working on putting the focus back on me.
great video! it gives me insight into how an Addict thinks....please make more of these so we can understand why the addict is hurting their family.
Thank you! I will be making more videos.
Just came across the video your explanation makes me understand his behavior and my part I have been playing in his addiction...Thank you
Excellent advice based on real experience as a counselor!
Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you Jonathan. I truly needed this today.
Im caught up in this with someone I love and it breaks my heart. $160,000 , Im gonna lose my house if I continue trying to help her. Its only hurting both of us and thats the part that is the most difficult . Its not knowing what her limitations are when she constantly worried about where the next pill is coming from. At some point you cross the line and lose your dignity. They lose all sense of self worth than have more justification to continue same abusive behavioral patterns “People, Places & Things"
I sent it to my step son who is dealing with his adict mother. He doesn't understand why she just can't quit. Thank you.
I hope it helps!
this really helped thank u so much . everything u said is exactly how it is and it hurts a lot . I'm new to this and its been very tough on me and hearing things like this helps out .thank u
You are welcome. Hang in there!
I hope it got better for you.
Thank you for making this video. It's a helpful insight into why addicts lie.
I hope it helps!
Good vid I just had to say good by to a girl I've known for 2yrs. cause she wouldn't leave the meth alone. I thinks harder on me than her because she can numb with the meth.
Good point, many choose to numb their pain. Stay Strong!
Great video and just what I needed to hear right now. My high-functioning alcoholic husband has just relapsed but promises he’ll only drink light beer in a controlled way. 23 years of never being able to control it and I STILL want to believe that this time maybe it will work. I’m in denial and he’s in denial. I attend Al-Anon twice a week and it’s very helpful! I need to decide now if we must separate again as our reconciliation agreement last time was no alcohol. He went to AA a few times but believes he’s not one of ‘them.’ He’s driven home drunk on many occasions and could’ve been arrested but has gotten away with it. He thinks he’s not an alcoholic because he still works and has never caused trauma like with a car crash or something. I can tell you his drinking has caused untold damage in our marriage and I just don’t trust him. It’s so tough but I’m meditating and praying about how I should respond this time. ☹️
This applies to me all of it 48 years of it, I have reached my end mentally and physically.
I have seen many ppl mentioning the nodding off thing. I have also seen my husband do that many many times.like he will be sitting straight up in his head will fall and I won't be able to wake him without getting really loud and even sometimes hitting him. The last time a few years ago I caught him doing meth only because I pulled it out of his pocket and forced him to flush it he was very angry even as I was flushing it he was still saying he didn't do it!! He also goes into the kitchen and opens every drawer and pilferers through everything making a humongous mess writing his name on s*** with a permanent marker and when I ask him what he's doing he always claims he's just looking for something. He also goes outside even when it's dark with a flashlight and will get in his vehicle and be out there rummaging through s*** too. He wakes up at 4 every morning to go to work.last night he did not sleep at all I subconsciously woke up at 4 and he was still awake with all the lights on in the living room rummaging through stuff claiming he had slept 2 hours on the couch but I don't believe him. The night before he was in the bed and I tried to give him a hug and then I realized he wasn't waking at all so I started beating on his chest,screaming and slapping him in the face and kicking him and punching him in the stomach(I was scared) and when I finally did get him to come to a little bit which was about five to seven minutes later he couldn't even form a sentence nor did he recollect happening the next day he's showing the same signs yesterday and the day before that and the day before that he has shown several years ago. I do not do meth. I'm not very good at seeing the clues. I share(young) children with this man of which we have lost due to his issues and one way or another.he also gets pens and duct tape and he will take them all together just doing random things that are so stupid like cutting little pieces of paper into squares like as if he's going to writing on them and then the next day I'm left to clean up everything. please someone tell me is he doing meth is there any other way that I can find out 100% positive I do not want to live this life.only difference I have noticed from the other stories is he does go to work everyday and pay the bills. Please help me
Katie Trigg he’s doing meth and more. The signs are all there it’s just you who’s in denial.
Yep, meth 100%
yep meth
Thank You for the words of encouragement; I was confused and frustrated about my husband's addictions.
Even me but i think i am falling in to depression
Do the addicts even notice the lies they are telling themselves? Like when they are out of addiction, say 2 years clean can they look back and see/remember what they told themselves to make it ok?
The thing that bothers me, is that these days we do the whole oh they cant help it, it's a disease, love them. I like that you touch on enablers. When someone is an addict, they will put your finances, heart, health, safety, and life position at risk. They will destroy you along with themselves. They will never get better if they don't lose everyone everything, and hit rock bottom. Even then they usually dont get better. I am a compassionate person. Something that helps me with addicts is thinking about how selfish they were even before the addiction. They say ,"well this drug ruined millions of people's lives before me but I'm somehow better than all of them or I'll be fine." That's a flawed mindset already. Add drugs to that and you're in for a world of hurt
Thank you for this🙏 I really needed to hear this.
You're welcome. I hope it helped.
This video was so enlightening. I did not ever think of it this way and it makes perfect sense. I know a close friend who is an add and lies constantly. She is a crafty liar who can think on her feet for any situation. It’s hard to experience.
Thank you. I hope this video helped.
Sad how some people take the alcoholics side over the victim.
My husband ran away because of heroin addiction he was always clean and worked and was a real man he been addicted for 3 years and it has broke me down I will not take him back unless he goes to rehab for at least 6 months
Thank you for this. I am a new member of al-anon. We have become aware that our son has a problem with alcohol. He has other mental health issues. Suddenly the pattern in his behaviour has become clear to us. The lying part is particularly, well, nauseating.. It seems to me that it comes from a combination of shame and wishful thinking, and now that you mention it, just plain denial. He is also lying to himself. He was particularly truthful as a young child, so to me, it's just another indication of how sick he really is. :(
I am happy i found your channel! My boyfriend is an 40 years old alcoholic. Typically when is not drinking to much or not at all(for maximum of half to a full day)he is very good and the love of my life. But when drinks a lot turns in a monster and talk very bad things to me. He don’t want threatment or any help. I am loosing my mental health(moving to Portugal because of him, without any friends here and working from home). I don’t have the power to leave him yet. I hope for a mirracle 🙏🏼😢
Your words are very powerful 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻 love yr video xx
Thank You!
I am grateful for my mother for never giving up on me. Everybody else did but her. Every situation is different as every addict is also different. I have been in many rehabs. Nothing has really help me more than my mothers support and prayer. Not many are willing to fight for other people's life amd and manu rather leave and ignore am addict. It's a horrible road to travel and is not for many. But i am grateful that God gave me a warrior as my mother. Now i want to do the same she did for me. There is hope to break addiction. If you are still breathing you still have the opportunity to try again and again. Do not give up and keep on fighting!
Amen!
so you are an enabler if u live with someone who's actively using drugs? what about if he is clean? do u still help them or leave living in fear they willl relapse?
Some doctors believe lying is a symptom of addiction.
what i said being said, obviously his heart is in the right place.
Thanks. This is the first time I've seen one of your videos. You explain concepts clearly that I have never been able to grasp before. My son is a heroin addict. It's not like you can just walk away and end a relationship with your child so I appreciate all the help I can find. I look forward to watching more of your videos.
I hope the videos help. There will be more videos soon.
The worst part is that to really help them you have to partially get rid of your emotions, but this happens in every area, not just with "drugs abuse" :)
Yup. Detaching our emotions and our lives allows both the addict and us to focus on taking care of ourselves.
Jonathan League even tho I know it hurts me more holding on than letting go...its sooooooo painful and hard to detach ur emotions like that
Star, There is no pain free way to detach your emotions. The pain, at times, feels unbearable! We hold onto the hope that our love will be enough to make a difference. It’s not about you at this point. You have done all you can. Many of us know that pain and feel it with you.
So true! The lies are ridiculous
yup
Thank you for your advise.l found it helpful as l am going through this with my youngest Son!...the hardest road to walk.
You’re a really good person! Thank you
thank you!
My family member lives with us.. my husband is a denier and I call out this person's BS.. painfully being as patient as possible, but we can't do this any longer.
We hope that things will just get better on their own... But with Addiction, not doing anything only lets it get worse. I pray you find the courage and support to make it through this difficult time.
@@JonathanLeagueFamilyTherapist Oh I set rules and boundaries and they have just been repeatidly broken. We've decided it's best she'd live someplace else. I can still help manage her health, but ultimately it's not healthy for anyone to have us all live together. She'll get more support where she's going.
You must choose what is most healthy for everyone. Having to leave your home is a natural consequence to her choices. If there is no consequence for breaking the boundaries, then the boundaries were not really there.
glad you around to help them. i had to walk away, just insufferable,
being a hardcore addict is a crazy life. I don't understand why so many people want to get high or sell drugs because its a savage life full of gangs shootings robberies fighting prison being a drug addict is horrible
It is a horrible life. And there are countless more suffering in their own painful world of secret addiction that we will never hear about.
Thank you. This really helped. I'm an enabler and I know all of this but I need help dealing with this. You explained it all really well. Just what I needed. I'm trying to go to Alanon but I haven't found one that works with my work schedule yet. Thanks again.
Thank you , my boyfriend he’s an addiction and it’s been going on for 6 years I found out 3 days ago and I know I can’t help him
And this video confirmed it for me breaks my heart :(
yes thank you I believe it was me whoo needed to hear that ..I will now go and get some help ..I can't cope with my daughter any more x
Thank you for this.my Son just went into a treatment center. The family is going to do a family first program.
I had heard so many moms saying they wish they can see their dead sons again no matter if they were high just to hear them one last time. Very sad how drugs separate families sometimes the situation won’t change and leaving the addict could go both ways I choose to stay and helped because there’s groups that will help me go through what the addict is going through. Some mothers used to send their children to rehab for marijuana and now is legal in many states. If you love someone and they are doing drugs show them you still care and have empathy no matter what
Thank you for sharing your experiences and giving us more information. I've been a victim-turned-survivor of addicts and TBH I've been an enabler. Have tried to educate myself and set boundaries so it won't happen again.
Can you share some examples of rationalizing or justifying for an addiction? Maybe in another video? I've only seen it from an outsider's POV and am trying to understand what makes them think this way.
For the record, I do understand not all addicts are horrible people or even criminals. I do applaud and emotionally support former addicts, but am cautious because I've had some bad experiences. Am making the effort to keep an open mind though.
I do take it personal. I feel like it is my fault that I chose to be with an addict.
Don't get stuck on your past choices. Now is the time to make choices that are healthy and right for you and the ones you love.
Thank you for this informative, valuable video. It helps.
I needed this..I love you and thank you 💞
You are very welcome!!!
tbh i did Alon zoom meeting trying to get some hope and direction...i ended up more depressed.
did a church meeting overwhelmed me completely.
I was watching the love of my life the father of my children die last year from herion if he can shoot it he will do it anyway that was the most hardest thing I've ever had to endure hes been my best friend since we were 14 and 15 years old in and outta jail and prison for over 8 years after his mom passed in 2008 he told me he went to all kinds of drugs he jus went completely down hill long story short I never thought he would go back to the herion bc of our babies but having a good woman and two beautiful boys aren't enough for him I've been fighting this battle for 4 years with him on and off he's cheated on me and lied to me so much I can't believe anything that comes outta his lips anymore I tried being by his side and helping him jus one more time and I jus can't watch him kill himself slowly again he had something on his heart called endocarditis from shooting the dope it bout took his life im jus fighting a losing battle and I love him so much it physically hurts my heart to walk away but I had to he left me pregnant with our two year old son and our second son is due any day now the herion has gotten control over the love of my life and there's nothing I can do he's so mean to me and won't see what he's doing and hurting me and our boys he allowed temptation to get in the way yet again he ditched me and our two year old son yesterday bc he said he needed dope for his pain I couldn't believe it he outright was having withdrawals in my bed and lied to me about it but after he left I called him out and he's still in denial he knows he messed up and he threw away his family and relationship with me for the last time for that shit and the reason I call it that shit is bc that shit takes everything from you it takes your house car self respect health relationships jobs all your money your life it takes absolutely everything from you herion is the devils drug bc it turns someone who you once knew into someone you don't Kno anymore and it's so sad and kills me inside everyday that I had to make the choice I did bc he's the father of my children but my children come FIRST always he's gonna have to fall on his face to see why I had to do what was best for myself and my boys I STILL and always will love him that was my best friend but I hope and pray God helps him bc he's the only one who can at this point he's been a herion addict for 19 years now this battle is one of the MOST hardest ones of my life I've never dealt with it none less fall in love with an addict I jus wanted to help him so much but i jus can't I can actually agree herion is one of the worst drugs out there and I hate it I hate all dealers too but that's jus my own feelings on it ty so much for this video it definitely is true
Thank you for sharing. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
don't blame your husband's lacking of self control on the dealers. the dealers are good people, they are the reason why future me will have access to crack and heroin when I want to responsibly use those.
not all heroin users are violent bad people. your husband just lacked self control and got addicted to the medicine (heroin)
for every violent heroin addict, there is 10 more people who tried the substance once or twice, enjoyed it, and never became physically addicted.
Thank you for making this video. I needed to hear this. How do you help without being an enabler?
I just recently found out that my husband of 20 years has been doing meth and sleeping with prostitutes for quite sometime. This is so hard as we have 3 kids. I'm trying to get home to my family with my kids. It's all so sad....
Time for you to let go.... Will pray for you and your kids.
Sorry to hear this. Now is the time to do what is best for you and your kids.
YMan, thats sad. I pray that you can get you and your kids out of there asap. Get as far away as possible. Addicts never like to be exposed and now that he has, he will show his true colors and may turn abusive. Get away and cut all contact!
Christrulesall2 I moved my kids from Nevada to Michigan. We are living with my childhood best friend. It's been tough transitioning, but we are doing well. One day at a time.... Thank you.
Thats great to hear. Im glad you guys are safe. Thats the most important thing to remember...one day at a time. Take care.
You were excellent and you did help me as I am on a journey to detach from my sone who may be on drugs or may have a mental issue who refuses to admit he needs help
Thank you, I needed to hear this
You are welcome! Hope it helped!
God bless you! Thank you so much!!!!!❤️💕❤️💕❤️
You're Welcome!
A lot of good points made in this video. I recently broke up with my boyfriend who has a crack cocaine addiction, the chaos his addiction brought to my life became absolutely overwhelming. He had finally gotten a really good job with a great salary. But when it came time to pay his fair share in the household he became angry and defiant and hundreds of dollars went unaccounted for. It was the last straw. The first couple days after breaking up were really hard, I felt depressed, anxious, betrayed and isolated, but by the fifth day I started feeling much better. This time apart has allowed me to take an honest look back at the relationship. It is not easy now being a single mother of a one year old but I am so happy to be free of addiction, lying, and stealing. I don't know if we can reconcile, but I do know the only shot for that to happen would be if he sought professional help.
There is really no way to live in peace with addiction present in a relationship. I am glad you have set a firm boundary to not compromise. This is the only way to build a healthy life for you and your child.
Thank you. This helps
Peoples choices effect their status. But addicts define their status and change reality to keep their status true
Example:
Normal Person: I stole something (action) therefore I am a thief (status)
Addict: I am not a thief (status) therefore the item I took was free (retroactively changing reality)
I wouldn't wish an addict upon my worst enemy. I was with my girlfriend for 7 years and she was an addict. She created so many lies that she couldn't separate reality from fiction.
She withdrew $200 from my account. I asked her what it was for and she said "groceries." Technically she did buy a gallon of milk, but she spent the remaining $195 on pills. She refused to accept that it was a deception because according to her reality, "I did buy groceries." My life with her has been a summation of countless moments just like this example. She convinced me I was a controlling and distrustful person. I questioned my own sanity. It reached a point where I couldn't ask her a simple question and receive a direct response. I had to ask the question from all possible angles and perspectives in anticipation of the infinite number of ways she could stretch the truth. I never received closure. Most people won't receive closure from an addict. Its sad. Thats what keeps people with addicts, the need for closure, closure that will never come.
So true, thank you for posting