Burnout, Boundaries, And The Lie Of Consumerist Self-Help
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- Опубликовано: 26 фев 2023
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Chelsea sits down with Taylor Elyse Morrison to talk about the bogus culture of self-help that got us to our current era, and how to build something better, regardless of disposable income.
Learn more about Taylor and her book here: www.taylorelyse.com/
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Chelsea, I would love to hear you interview a woman shift worker, specifically first responder, nurse, front line worker, etc. and how they manage self care, finances, work/life balance.
Great idea! I'd love to hear this too!
As a night shift nurse I will say generally we don’t 😂. The nurses that do usually don’t have children and can keep strict schedules. The nature of shift work is that you’re constantly toeing the line between functional and not, the length and timing of shifts just isn’t healthy. You can have the best diet, eat healthy, sleep consistently and still get diabetes, heart disease, and cancer just from the nature of doing something that isn’t natural. Financially, shift workers are usually low on the pay scale and rely on extra shifts to survive.
Brilliant Idea and tbh much more interesting than another "working in media" version even though some of them are good
YES
not a first responder, but a shift worker-ish, would volunteer for this!
For me self care is about "preventative maintenance." This means 1) going to bed on time, 2) structured twice per week exercise and 3) meal planning my work lunches. These are crucial for my mental health and to a lesser extent physical health.
Indeed. For me, having a proper breakfast isn't negotiable if I don't want to spend the day running on fumes. Last week I forgot/got unmotivated about making it and was absolutely miserable.
@@UndeadGirlCyber exactly! This is self care! Personally, I never eat breakfast, just don't need it. But I've gone to the gym feeling horrible because I know I have to.
yet they benefit your physical health so much too, so it’s a win win!
Excellent idea! I struggle with keeping a routine (unless it’s basic hygiene lol) and I always thought that maybe using the word “structured” rather than “scheduled” would help me stick with a routine.
@@gothamcat it certainly helps me avoid rationalizing why I can skip a work out. Monday and Thursday nights, after the kids are in bed, I go to the gym. There is no question or decision to make. It makes it easier.
I love that the conversations of some people are more introverted and how that affects financial and social health are opening up 🙌🏾
As a complete introvert, I feel this, HARD. I cannot tell you how much my relationships, job (and therefore financial) status and mental health have been affected by this. Specially after lockdown when people went "back to normal" so fast and I feel like I will NEVER catch up, I lost all ability to fake it - I just dont have the energy anymore. I will sleep for 3 days straight (fr) after a stressful week at work or a couple of stressful interactions. Maintaininf work life balance is so hard when seeing people at work and working drain you so much that u can barely replenish ur batteries before the next day/ during the weekend. And I'm supposed to have a social life/ maintain friendships as well??? I WANT to, but how the hell can I??? Anyways, if ur here; thanks for reading my rant. I feel like this is such an under - discussed topic. Also overlaps / mis diagnosis btw introversion under capitalism and depresion... fiuf dont even get me started
57:52 oooooh, "creating false urgency" is a phrase i'm gonna remember... it's SO easy to feel like certain goals (at work especially but also in other areas of life) are URGENT and i think it will definitely be a helpful check in to keep myself accountable if i can remember to ask myself whether the goal i'm stressing over is ACTUALLY "urgent"/truly time sensitive, or if i'm just putting a lot of pressure on myself unnecessarily... cool, i like it!
As one who has made the mistake of pointing out the fallacy of certain urgent requests, be very discriminating in how - and who - you say this to at work. It is not falsely urgent to everyone and for some, it is rightly urgent (for example, someone trying to get promoted and is spearheading their first-ever project or a team that is next downstream to work on the request and waiting for your portion to be done).
that dog sticker is so CUTE
@@EllieHawkes oh i know, TFD did such a good job with those! it's one of the perks you get if you become a member/hit the join button here on youtube, and my freaking favorite thing is that they called the little sticker "monamojis" cuz it's mona, chelsea's lil doggo
Something I think about is how 'self care' first came to prominence when it was invoked by Audre Lorde as a radical act of political will. That to maintain "the work" you must maintain your spirit, in defiance of a system that doesn't want you to thrive. I understand how terms go mainstream and change over time, and that's fine. (To be clear, it's fine about self care being used now!) But it's really something to consider where it started and then see who took hold of the concept and what they did with it. From solace in the soul to conspicuous consumption.
So I really appreciate this conversation is moving us away from the short-term feelgood, buy-to-feel-better, sensibilities that have trended around "self care." And what to deeply build in community and friendship, and yourself, to re-reclaim self care as long term meaningful benefit.
eta: also, as a not-morning but still very productive person, yes, Thank You. "Do what works for you" is a great mantra, in whatever way we can have it.
Sidenote: I'm EYES ON the sub count and in wait to celebrate that number hitting 1 million!
This! ✨
“Self care is a revolutionary act”
Audre Lorde
Amen!
I'm only a few minutes in but I'm grateful she highlights that building good self care habits is a skill, and just like any other skill, it takes time to build. Sometimes I can get on myself for only doing a good thing for a while then stopping or going back on my progress but this is a good reminder that those kind of good long term habits dont come overnight
If the acidity of tomato based sauces bugs your body try putting a little baking soda or even a 2 inch hunk of carrot in your pasta sauce as it is simmering. The carrot is the traditional way if cutting acid in tomato sauce, it adds a nice sweet flavor but isn’t great for short term because it needs time to cut the acid. For quick sauces (or if you don’t have fresh carrots hanging around) a teaspoon or two of baking soda will cut the acid right away. It can help with the throat burning as mentioned in the video and also with lower GI troubles stemming from excessive acid.
Sometimes self care is finding ways to still enjoy the foods we love with new preparations that allow our bodies to make peace with the dish. Like using carrots or baking soda to cut acid in a soup or sauce or using garlic and onion powder to replace real garlic and onions if fodmaps give you trouble.
The distinction between nourishing and comforting helped me so much! Comfort is still important, after doing something nourishing that took a lot now, I tend to do something comforting. Eg, after doing my busy day chores, I have a lie down. It also means I have the energy to do something else nourishing after the comfort, like reading or sending important messages.
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Love the comment on how if you are child free and want to keep your friends after they have kids you have to be ok with a very uneven relationship. My only comment is, as "an elder millennial" I now know these relationships will never ever be even again. Some people you love enough to be ok with it forever, most not, but it won't change so you need to decide.
RE: Tomato allergies. I have the same and I've started using roasted beets as a stand-in for pasta sauces. It's not easy and I use a lot of fish sauce to add umami back but it works as a replacement.
I use pesto as alternative to tomato sauce.
If you aren't super anti processed food additive then you can try adding a small amount of msg (tomatoes naturally have a fair bit of msg)
I am telling you, let yourself eat as much sugar as you want. IE get rid of the restriction mentality, you will get sick of the sweets. Because you know you'll be able to eat it whenever you want. The more you restrict the more you want it will be more inclined to binge or over do it.
Do not ever take therapy sessions provided for by your employer or paid by them. Then the employer is the client of the individual or institution that provides the therapy and they have access to all the therapy notes or all the info shared in confidence.
Please ensure that you give the right advice.
One of the best episodes of TFC, hands down 🙌
Self care is setting myself up to not have to work my ass off until I'm 90.
I love the concept of setting people up for success! Especially with romantic partners. Tell them what you want so they don't have to stress about guessing correctly and you can both feel happy.
Just halfway through and had to pause to tell you how much I’m loving this discourse between two successful, brilliant people. Thank you for this ❤❤❤
I'm about halfway through, but I am loving this video. Very stimulating conversation ❤️
Wow! She is so wise, thank you for introducing her to me, and for this conversation!
I think the problem is that in friendships people will label you as clingy and needy and you’ll be socially cancelled. Apparently having tough conversations about needs/ expectations/ habits of behaviors is only reserved for romantic partners.
True friends will have tough conversations and not "socially cancel" you. If they want to do that, let them go. Better people will replace them
I agree with @sky-child and also, understanding that everyone has different processing spreeds (and what speeds you are able to acczpt) is, in my humble experience, also key to healthy relationships.
I don’t think I’ve ever been faced with being left behind for having hard conversations. It just happens sometimes, and it hurts horribly, but it’s more because of usually never having those conversations
I’m LIVING for the title. 👏🏽
That was an absolute delight to listen to.
Wow! What a great conversation!
taylor is so elegant and inspiring
Such a smart conversation. I'm buying the book. Great guest and chemistry between you two.
Taylor is refreshingly real! I had to go out and preorder the book, so excited to read it!!
Very cool stuff! I do like your approaching to framing self care, and its purpose.
Such a thoughtful conversation.
Great topic and guest, really enjoyed this chat thank you
Fantastic convo and rare that I could relate quite robustly with all of it... just throw in disastrous career crises, high drama acute + chronic health problems, accidental entrepreneurial success, grad school causing body-destroying medical flares, and PTSD-inducing family drama and that's me! 😆
Very enjoyable episode! I have a hard time listening to longer videos but was able to listen to all of this. Will be purchasing a book. Thank you!
👆🎊 congratulations 🎊👆 you've been selected among my shortlisted winners Dm and claim your prize..
Enjoyed this a lot more than I expected to
yassss great topic!!!
The point about 'making up a story' about how the person means to do you wrong when there might just be a communication issue reminds me of the book Conflict Is Not Abuse by Sarah Schulman.
This was great !
It's scary how the way both of you think and speak is so similar to myself , its affirming but also freaking me out so much ill have to come back to finish watching it later when im less spooked
lately it's been like chelsea has been living inside my head with all of these relevant topics for TFC
You mentioned that Taylor made a card game "Instead" but I didn't hear you talk about that. Could you please link that too or tell us where to find it?
Really great conversation... I just started a new job and am working on setting healthy boundaries at work. I find myself trying to prove that they made the right choice in hiring me, although I know that I'm contributing to the team and I was the right candidate for the job. I really resonated with the discussion about the way we can overachieve and get stuck in that trap of doing more than we need to or even asked to at work. I can't wait to read the book!
On trying to prove to your employer that they made the right choice on hiring you here's a fact that has helped me overcome this fear/potentially overworking myself to prove them right:
Hiring is incredibly difficult and expensive. You are there. You are picking up work that was on hold while they were interviewing candidates. They are grateful to have you and they wouldn't fire you just because you are not killing yourself working. Show up, be helpful, contribute to the team and do the work that is expected of you within your contractual hours.
Finally, one concept that a friend introduced me to was the idea of putting an employer/company on probation (similar to how most of us are on probation when we first start somewhere). How do you feel after 3 months? Are they right for you? Are they decent? Are you learning? Do you get paid on time? Are you respected? All the power to you!
I freaking LOVE THIS CHANNEL
sAME!!!
Haha I think I recall a product seling itself with "self care without the BS" or something close
used this as an opportunity to have some background noise while i finally cracked open a journal and vented out my anxieties that have been building up for several weeks now. but comments are making me feel like i should have listened a bit more closely oops what i caught in between pages sounded great, i'll keep a maybe second listen on the mental back burner
Thanks!
Chelsea, I would really like to suggest in the most loving way, to please summarize your questions more. They are hard to follow and I sometimes don't remember where you started ❤
Congrats on 1000000 subs
I loved the peasant dorito analysis!!! Lol
3 seconds in and a thumbs-up 👍
I think like, in general getting up early doesn't make you a good person but when your life is very busy building a habit to get a specific thing in in the morning can be worth it. For example, I'm doing work and uni and pottery and knitting and blah blah and I also need to move my body so I have reluctantly managed to drag my carcass out of bed an hour earlier so I can keep exercising. Is it my long term goal to keep doing this, hell no! But now and then forcing mornings on yourself can be a help.
Your new hair suits you very well (I think it’s less blonde?) looks nice
55:17 what’s a walking pad and why is it “nice”? Isn’t that a treadmill? I don’t get how it replaces a 3pm cookie either
on the topic of drinking: I have stopped drinking for a while now, just because I don't really get into it or whatever... and I noticed that the "moral judgement" comes mostly from other people thinking that I think im better than them just because I dont drink anymore.
I could not care less if other people are drinking, and yet I'm the a^^h*le cuz I'm not drinking?
Long way to ask, do you think that it could be people projecting their insicurities on others? idk 🤷♂
love the pod :)
yeah. i don't mind drinks in moderation but since i started meds i decided to lay off cause it makes me feel like shit 10 times more than it used to. i miss margaritas, but i don't want to feel like crap slightly more than that😅
It is. Sth to remember is that drinking IS a very contradictory Activity. On the one Hand, everyone knows it's Bad for your health. It is also heavily linked with morality. You are constantly told that Moderation is Key, that drinking is a Vice, that really people should Drink less. There is a heavy distinction between drinking and "enjoying a Drink". Being a wine or Whisky Enthusiast is Not Seen as the same as drinking.
On the OTHER Hand, Drinking is a social Activity. It is a social lubricant, you maintain bonds with people via going Out to Drink, there are entire folk Traditions around different types of alcohol. In a Lot of cultures, opting Out of drinking will Limit your ability to socialise in some way.
Plenty of people are Stuck in this contradiction where they have to justify a "Bad" Habit that at the same time is a social requirements of some sort. So when they See you opt Out, they have to resolve that in some way.
I was once dumped by a guy because I didn't drink as much as him and his friends and he thought I would be judgemental. I've never been able to physically process a lot of alcohol, and when younger would get really sick from too many cocktails, ciders, etc. He seemed disappointed one time when I said I didn't drink scotch (my response was "ew"). I'm 48 now, will drink 1-2 glasses of wine every so often and my boyfriend is quite supportive of me abstaining. He drinks more than me but does not care when I don't. people are effing weird about it!
Have only drunk alcohol twice in my life and really don't like the taste. People ALWAYS take it personally and think I'm judging them. 🙄
Like I don't have anything better to do in my life.
It's definitely about their own insecurities
"Self-care" is often used to replace indulgent.
I’m into these lifestyle topics and all, but would be so excited to see more in depth financial information. Fake scenarios with numbers of saving for retirement or a house, especially a lifetime view like okay you’re 20, what are all the potential things you will need to save for, how much will you need at what time, how can you make it happen.
Agree
Would love to get some good habit tracker apps recommendations! I tried one but thought it was too one dimensional… would help me if i could track symptoms as well
I have a walking pad at home and I wish I could bring it to work.
Already liked 1 minute in.
is financial diet on google podcast? cant find it
"life is short, have the cake" always made me laugh because nah, YOUR life will be short because you're always eating refined sugar. I intend to live well and live long!
how is this support system that she's talking about no-cost ?
Never been this early in my life.
Chelsea never ceases to impress with the carefully thought out questions! They get such deep answers. I’m also so glad they pointed out the toxic popular approach of cutting off relationships without any attempt to resolve a problem first
On the topic of self-care... have Meghan Rossi on!! She is a gut health expert
I feel so lost and left out of this self-care conversation. As someone who has been chronically ill since I’ve been 12 years old, chronic fatigue chronic pain chronic infections, I have a completely different idea of what self-care is.
Self-care is to me is religiously taking my health protocols (to the best of my ability, this is actually really hard for me), Taking care of my body a variety of ways, enjoying time to do meaningful hobbies, making connections with family and friends, and nourishing myself well.
Like where did this idea that eating chocolate cake or having a glass of wine or taking a bubble bath as self-care? Has anybody ever said that? If so when did this idea start.
I only hear people who criticize self-care say things like, “taking a bubble bath is not self care like you’ve been told. Eating a piece of chocolate cake is not self-care like you’ve been told.”
I seriously don’t mean to be snotty, I’m just confused… Like who is the first person to say in order to take care of yourself you need to take a bubble bath and eat a piece of chocolate cake?
What is this like an IG I do post what episode of Oprah I missed?
How is that self-care was not working your body into the ground for the sake of capital, like a radical act to tend to yourself instead of letting yourself be used for work constantly.
That being said, I like this episode a lot and it obviously there is a problem in the self-care world if people like these are talking about it.
Self care is subjective
it's hard for me to take someone who's been with the same person since high school seriously as an expert in anything. they've never been independent and have missed or been sheltered from a lot of lived experiences.
i think that's a huge generalization. you never know.
romance isn't the only aspect of life that gives life meaning.
@@yunglynda1326 well, i'm not generalizing. she seems very childlike in demeanor. i'm very experienced at assessing personalities and psychological profiles. when you stay with one person your entire life you are on a certain path which doesn't differ from the same norm much at all from high school for as long as your marriage lasts. i'm sure there are exceptions to that rule but they'd be statistical anamolies. when you have never lived independently you can't advise those who do
Seriously this girl is super naïve when it comes to life and is just parroting what she learned from her therapist.