the dangerous rise of lonely men with no confidence
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- Опубликовано: 20 дек 2024
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Talking about the worrying rise of men with low confidence and feelings of isolation and loneliness.
Men's Group mentioned: andysmanclub.c...
For the algorithm - mensmentalhealth, self improvement, stoicism, spirituality, meaning, purpose, lonely
Confidence comes from feeling like you have a purpose, that you are good at something etc..Theres no "just be confident bro". Sadly with modern life becoming more and more isolating, theres less and less people to relate to, theres no one to acknowledge that you are good at something, no one to come with constructive criticism or encouragement. You are just left in your own little bubble of jack shit, while the insecurities pile up.
Confidence comes from results. No results equal no confidence. And people are not stupid. They do shit, and it doesn't work. They are told to do the same shit they've been trying forever and it doesn't work.
Very well said
I had a relationship and it was ok but being single is also good for knowing yourself better, and let's be honest it's mostly because of dating apps nobody likes each other, i'm so happy i don't have to use this for a while. I'm focussing on myself now and trying to lose the weight etc just setting a goal even small is better than nothing, and trying to fit in and compare yourself is the road to unhappiness imo also forgiving yourself/self love is THE BIGGEST contribution to confidence, if you don't appreciate your goals you are like a walking empty shell.
less self pitty is a good start ❤
anyway nice channel keep posting videos
Sounds like you're on a great path, don't forget to congratulate yourself for the progress you've made so far.
We need a purpose, to feel useful and wanted. It’s that simple. And yet, it feels so out of reach.
Cheers Jay thanks for that video.. I will look into those groups. 👍
Glad it helped, keep us updated in the comments!
great stuff
Thank you
Bukowski once said "DONT TRY"
This is crazy,I keep hearing about this issue over here in the States but I didn't expect to hear this going on in the UK.
Sweetie, Pink Floyd said it best: quiet desperation is the English way.
I think it's in all western countries to be honest. We're all being pushed the same message.
marcob2137How did you know I was a massive Floyd fan? Especially the work they did between 1968-79.
@@Tony-hu7uk I'm a big Pink Floyd fan as well. I left out crucial lyrics from Time:
"Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way
The time is gone, the song is over, thought I'd something more to say"
marcob2137 If you don't mind me asking,are you English?
I have zero confidence I’m just always anxious it’s just the way I am I can’t help it or don’t know how to solve my confidence problem most days I feel real shit
Doesn't have to be that way IF you want to change it. Watch the video to the end
@ maybe it’s just the way I was born Iv always been anxious I have no I idea why
I think in order to build you confidence and self esteem you first have to heal your learned helplessness. Learned helplessness is what happens when a person has been unsuccessful in meeting their own needs or changing their own situation for so long that they don't feel there is any point in trying, as if life and circumstance are something that just happens to them, rather than as something they have any control over or input in. They have learned to be helpless, in other words. Because of this, they have essentially given up trying and simply endure things. It's conditioning that is often the result of abuse, and it can be difficult to break, especially when someone doesn't realize it's a problem and especially in conjuction with low self-esteem.
There is often a large amount of depression involved with learned helplessness, as well as a big component of anger. People who are operating under the conditioning of learned helplessness are often passive-aggressive. This is because they don't feel they can confront or change the situation and they are angry about that. A lot of times hoarding is a passive-aggressive attempt to express hostility because a person feels they cannot express it any other way. Many hoarding situations are created by a toxic environment. This is a "safe" way to vent their feelings. That anger is still there, even if they have given up trying to change their situation. In fact, people may even be angrier because of that.
It's understandable that children would practice learned helplessness in an abusive environment because they really are helpless. The issues come when this temporary way of managing becomes a permanent way to deal, even though the person is no longer helpless. Learned helplessness can be a large roadblock in healing for people. It can be difficult to overcome this kind of programming, though it is by no means impossible.
The way to start repairing both learned helplessness and self-esteem is to take control, both of your life and your feelings. No one is responsible for your feelings or your life but you, and no one can fix these things but you.
A great way to start doing that is by making goals. They don't have to be anything big or fancy. In fact, it's better to set smaller, more achievable goals. If your goal is large, you can break it down into steps so that it is less overwhelming and you will have more of a sense of accomplishment as you achieve each step. Maybe break it down into small steps and goals to reach. Doing it that way helps break down something that seems overwhelming and impossible into things that are totally achievable. Doing it one step at a time is much more manageable than facing everything at once. You can't do all the steps at once anyway, so it makes sense to look at it one thing at a time.
If your goal is to save $5000 to put as a downpayment on a new house, that $5000 can look pretty big when you are starting at $0. So maybe your goal can be to save $400 a month, or $100 a week, or however small you need to break it down. The point is not about the size of the goal. It's to feel a sense of achievement and that comes when you feel you are making progress. If you don't have any larger goals right now, that's OK. You can make a goal out of anything. "Today I will go the whole day without eating sweets" or "Today I will clean out my car." Or "Today I will not think negative thoughts about my life." Tomorrow I think we will talk about negative self-talk, because that plays a big role here as well. When you achieve your goals, it helps to remind you that you are not helpless, that you can make decisions and that you can effect change. You did effect change. Your car was dirty and now it's clean - because of you. Some people might not think that's a big enough goal to matter, but it all matters. It also helps you feel better about yourself when you accomplish what you set out to do.
It the same type of advice you would give to a person trying to break an addiction. Thinking about the whole situation can be very overwhelming and this can lead to just giving up because it seems too hard, so focus on what needs to happen to successfully get through the week, or the day, or the hour. Deal with things when you get to them. Don't worry obsessively about something that has not happened, or that is not going to happen for a long time. Fear and worry contribute hugely to feeling helpless, so while of course you have to be cognizant of consequences for the things you do, worrying excessively about them does not help when making a decision or dealing with one already made.
Worrying about something never made it any easier. That can actually induce a type of fear paralysis, where someone psyches themselves out of doing anything at all. Consider the outcomes of what you are doing and prepare for them as best you can, but don't borrow trouble. Deal with things when they happen. Just because you think something is going to happen a certain way doesn't mean it will, and even if it does, you can handle it. You're not as fragile as you think you are, or are afraid you are.
One of the biggest parts of the problem is removing the apathy that often results from learned helplessness. After so many years of feeling there is nothing they can do, many people simply check out. They may be depressed or simply detached. Another difficulty is that it can be hard to suddenly jump in to having control and taking responsibility when for years you did not realize you even had any. In many ways, it's safer to be helpless because if you are helpless, you are also not responsible.
Reprogramming learned helplessness can be difficult, especially when a person is forced to confront the times in their life when they were not helpless yet still failed to act. There can be a lot of pain and guilt attached to this, and a person may be subconsciously holding on to their helplessness in an attempt to escape these things. However, facing them is necessary to grow and understand that as adults, people are not helpless. They can and do have a choice, in nearly every situation that could present itself. It may be difficult to acknowledge these things, but taking a more active role in your own life is never going to be wrong. It all begins and ends with what you believe. It sounds cliche, but what you tell yourself really does matter. In order to use the power, you first have to understand that you have it.
Got in really great shape at 23 but nothing happened and i was all alone, after that i got stuck in Opi for 8 years.
your confidence is your bones
I’m not a huge advocate of Andrew Tate but there is a video going round of him talking about when someone contacted him and said they were feeling suicidal and depressed and he said come back to me when you’ve got a six pack abs and let’s see where you are there and that guy that messaged him back and said I’ve done it and you’ve changed my life. just a thought but I think that could make a difference to a lot of guys
Interesting story but think there's way too many variables that could have influenced the guys mental health other than getting a six pack. Don't get me wrong, I'd be thrilled if I could get one but it wouldn't be my target if I were trying to fix my mental health.
In Asia as a father 75% are responsible like me with 3 adult boys. V are close. Marriage is rock solid.
Speak for yourself. I've been alone way longer than you and I have a lot of confidence in myself.
I once went to a club with male and female's but it didn't work out. Probably because i thought i had made a friend we Supported same football team and things were fine at beginning. But he started using me asking for lones of money and not getting it back -- asking for a lone of my season ticket, thankfully i did have the sense not to give him it. So i left group and i'm fine now but it has put me off joining other groups. Sorry for a long story.
Parasites.
I think you'll get assholes wherever you go. Isolating ensures you'll never meet them but it also ensures you'll never meet good people too. Don't let one bad experience put you off. If you're feeling ready, pick a group that's focused on mental health and where people are generally understanding of wherever you are in life. It's changed my life.
Thank you for your advice. I did look up places in my area. And there is a place near me it's Called S.A.M.H ( Scottish action mental health.)
Have you got any updates on if your ADHD meds have been helping? I think I may have the same type of ADHD as you and would love to know if they are helping before I commit to an expensive diagnosis. Thanks
I haven't actually been taking them for the last week or so. The company that are supposed to be looking after me haven't and I'm not in a place where I need to focus hard for work or anything so I'm just going to leave it til the New Year now. Will maybe post some updates then
Confidence or humility ,,,,? At the end of the day we are just playing with words.......I think that staying grounded is the best....no need for shiny glamorous outlooks.....just be normal is ok....the rest is ego.....mark my words......'Whatever inflates deflates....'
Exactly. Frugality.
I'm leaving. Selling my 500k London home to buy a cheap shack in the sun overseas. I'm going to live frugally, off the passive income, and the fruits of my own labor, and leave the rat race of miserable not-so-great s*!tain behind for good.
I'm probably going to end up having to give away my stuff to make it happen. But I don't care. I just need the place emptty so I can sell it and get out.
I don't care what anyone thinks.
I'm doing it for me.
Took me too long to realize everyone else was the problem.
I'll be 'retiring' in my late 30s, and get to spend 20-30 years in peace.
How to be unnaturally natural that is naturally unnatural
You mean being realistic? You can try but people will gaslight you.
Damn that sounds like an incredible journey. Why not document it? I think a lot of people would be interested to follow that journey (including me) and it might make you some extra income.
Confidence stems from competence.
But society is doing everything it can to fuck with men.
Insanely high taxes. DEI. Every other group getting advantages.
It's not a lack of confidence in self. It's a lack of confidence in everyone else.
Stop eating the BS. Stand tall, where they expect you to live on your knees.
They are the problem.
Make yourself number 1.
Be selfish.
They are. That's why they're undermining your authority. Demonizing your strength. Ostracizing you from your children.
They want you on your knees. Subordinate. Powerless. Codependent. Divide and conquer. Divide and tax.
Leave them in the dust.
You are not the problem.
Hi, I 've got a mentor at work without her I would have never got my promotion 2 years ago next month. I'm also a member of mens group at work and try and attend the meetings each week.
Sounds like you're bossing it! Thanks for sharing
Find ways to talk to random people make small talk, random comments i.e that's cool, oh wow look at that etc , then work from there.
I don't get why other males try and bond with each other
Are these guys homosexuals?
Personally way different experience when it comes to people
Can't stand them specially other males
It's a challenge just going threw life trying not to take one of them out