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When the avoidant discards you AGAIN
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- Опубликовано: 21 май 2024
- #discard #discarded #breakup #divorce #heartbroken #fearfulavoidant #insecureattachment #avoidant #avoidantattachment #dating #relationship #relationshipcoach #situationship #dismissiveavoidant #attachment
My 4th discard was surprisingly quick to recover from. Think I finally realized that there was nothing I could have done differently that would have made a difference.
3 times for me..this happened 6 weeks ago. I'm in NC since then and I'm fine..I didn't know anything about attachment styles before the last break-up, and by watching a lot of videos and reading books, I've finally found out that he is a DA. If he comes back to me, I'll give him a last chance as l will know how to deal with him...If he doesn't come back, it'll be fine for me as well. It's his loss not mine. Greetings from France to all with a broken heart
You're amazingly resilient. Well done!!
Does he just go away or was there something that was said and then he went away ?
@Jen-K-2024 : the reason was that I've asked him for clarification about an issue. His answer was that he disliked my "kind of investigation" and broke up. As I mentioned, at that time, I didn't know that he was a DA. I triggered his fear of being controlled. I had no chance to explain my point of view. In one minute, our relationship was finished. We never had any fights or discussions before...for me it was a perfect relationship.
I had the same thing happen
They don’t want to hear anything that makes them feel you have boundaries or expectations.
That’s controlling and their parents were controlling so you have to go, with no chance to discuss or work things through.
once and I was done. I can't imagine trusting someone after the first time experiencing this thing that was unlike anything that ever happened to me before - I would say it's time to look inwards to yourself about your level of gullibility and putting on rose colored glasses to allow yourself to be duped by someone's words when they've already thrown you away before
You’re totally right and thank you. I only learned what a dismissive avoidant was in the past several months. I had never heard of this before. My ex will never change because he will never agree to get help to change. That’s how I know I’m done with him now. Thanks for your advice. I appreciate it.
True.
Exactly. Observe, be kind, but no second chances.
@@luking2644 yes, just think about it logically. How could they possibly repair what they've done - be completely honest with yourself and you'll have the clarity to know what must happen which is frankly, they are not your person.
once someone shows you who they are, believe them. Remember:They don’t deserve you!!! KNOW YOUR WORTH MY BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE. ❤❤❤
Before he discarded me the third time, he reminded me that I told him that was his last chance with me. It hurts. I love him. I pray for him. But, he is not my man.
Thanks coach for your words.❤
I cant imagine someone discarding Ryan who is catch of the century. Thank you for using your kindness to help us!
Did someone discard him?
The 7th discard hurts more than all the previous
I was just thinking the same.
Yup I’m on at least 10
Boundaries, dears, we have to be prepared, otherwise their stuff will walk all over us. I'm trying to research this now in order to be prepared with what to do in case of a next time
@@ashton1952 I think it comes down to if we can love ourself more than we unconditionally love the other person. Easier said than done. Love is sacrificial… and therein lies the paradox
No lies. The second one was worst
YEP- My ex came back a 5 times- hurt like hell each time. I still miss him and wonder what I will do IF he returns AGAIN. I'm exhausted. After his saying I treated him better than anyone in his life ever has- even his X Wife, and I believe that too- his reactions to the things I did for him were proof- He will NEVER find ME in anyone - being avoidant- he wouldn't want to anyway- I'm blocked out of his life and it sucks. Seeing a few he is swiping on dating sites- LOL- yuk and wow- he must think that's what he deserves in his low self-esteem trait- drop a diamond and pick up a rock- LMAO
Go find a diamond sweetheart you deserve it. Let him have his crappy rocks 💩 that’s what he deserves…
Thanks this was spot on. I thought no way he would do it again if he said his life was so miserable without me. I got even more comfortable with us and then was discarded again. The second one was the most painful thing in the world. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone I feel like I had never felt more depressed.
Watching your videos has helped me understand who I was dealing with. And how and why I show up anxiously. I can’t tell you how many times I accepted his apology only to be left again. To many to count embarrassing for me..
This last time hurt horribly. I never wish this experience on anyone
Reading this, I wish I could hug you, Stranger. That kind of pain rivals none, and you deserve the security/release/temporary relief that comes with a meaningful hug. You deserve that and only that, not this heartache you're feeling.
I understand wholeheartedly you saying it is embarrassing to reveal how many times you allowed them back. Always hoping this time, things will be better....different, etc. etc. My last time.....we ran into each other at a concert. He told me he thought of me often, and I promised myself not to get reinvolved. He started to call me every day, visiting me often, and I saw the changes, so 3 months into another relationship with him only to have him get triggered, and then BOOM..... another discard. But this time it was different, a week prior, he cheated and went immediately into another relationship...the blindside and pain was excruciating. Never expected the cheating....now after feeling gutted and shattered, will never get reinvolved again. The time it takes to recover is such a huge part of your life. Reglueing my shattered heart, and slowly moving on after 5 months.....and yes, he did contact me after the discard and said he was thinking of me......while being in his new relationship.....😖
It's weird how the love they get, love it and hate it at the same time.
She pulled it on me a second time just as she was starting therapy. She agreed when she came back that we would do couples therapy together. She took that away and started bread-crumbing again. I told her this isn’t a relationship and walked away. She said she needed me in her life, but I wouldnt accept less. We unfriended each other on social media. Don’t think she coming back again
Ryan, thsnknyou sgain. This video gave me better insight and actually listed steps necessary for haveing the avoident in my life period. I wrote them down.
I have been with my partner for over 16 years. We do not live yogether, i am 65 and he is 75. I am a single mom, now raising my grandchild. This partner collapsed our relationship thru an at least emotional betrayal, with years of neglect and distractions, yet he is a calm non demanding human, with humor etc.
Now 17 months post a disclosure i am still wondering what might be the words and actions necessary to even consider being friends.
Thank you for this video, it clearly outlines steps that are necessary for change.
That is if i can see any progress
Nope. No. Nada. Get these people out of your life no matter how much we love them, miss them, or crave them. They are never good for us. Never. It’s just a mind f..k.
Thank you so much for this video. My ex is a dismissive avoidant. He left me 10 years ago. 10 years later, he has left me twice. He is 58 years old now so he is never going to get help or change. I’m so done!!
I can’t go through that again.
Thank you..these are all true...listen to this man ladies....
Well, it wasn’t. I checked in 3 months. For whatever reason she canceled our date w/o offering an alternative. She got silence and absence as a payment. She was sure that I will keep chasing. Now that resistance and muscle are in place - no way…
I was married to a narcissist and she discarded me after I found out about an affair. Took about 4 months to get over and process it. I found someone else who I’ve had such a wonderful experience with. Until she decided to move out of the country and withdrawal. Then we tried a LDR whereby I tried and put in work to move out there. As soon as I put in applications she sends a message and wants to break it off. The avoidant discard hurt so much more than the narcissistic one did. I was so in love with them.
Yes so true - going through second discard. It really does hurt more the second time. I really thought they cared and loved me but simply not the case. I stupidly gave my all the second time. This time when they discarded me they simply just ghosted me so I'm assuming they won't be back again. I stupidly trusted that they had changed and trusted them to take them back and that they wouldn't do it to me again.
Coach Ryan is right the second discard is brutal. They took advantage of me. I'm currently undergoing therapy and trying to heal from this traumatic experience
It gets worse when they get older when they haven't bothered to fix themselves.
I think I’m on the 20th discard. They go to therapy sometimes you know. And they lie and fake their way through it all. Oh my lord I wish I had your videos 12 years ago… this one is the last one ❌
It was 8 years for me. I wish I figured this stuff out way sooner too. But now we know, and there's some level of comfort in coming to terms with what was happening in their head...and in mine
Hi... the same situation.. being discarded many times.. It was painful like a hell.. after getting information about an avoidant person I see things completely different and clear. In fact he is sick, toxic person for the rest of his life, he doesn't have a clue how he breaks our heart.. health.. 2 month ago after 13 years It was the quality period of our relation, he was so kind... suddenly I got a message " I found a woman of my life, Ive know her for 50 years no sex.. Im just knowing her more and more... I am sure I will sleep with her"... I was in shok, is it joke, is he drunk?????... At the end of the message he put😃. This was his last message. I wish all the best, he needs a therapy.. but still I don't thing it will help.. never mind I'm leaving for ever...
I would rather bob for apples in a boiling vat of oil or fish for marbles at the bottom of a bowl of razor blades than allow my ex back in my life. She can (she never will) beg and plead and love bomb and apologize and promise....no second chance. Besides Coach's excellent and spot on explanation, I believe someone capable of acting like my avoidant ex did is incapable of change and not worth my time (she already stole enough of that from me).
These videos are so helpful can you please make a video on DAs being flaky ? they say they want to meet but then something always comes up they cancel on last minute they say they were busy (but you can feel its a lie because its forth time that has happened) they show interest at beginning but then they even cancel their own appointment to the point you feel they are acting just to keep you interested
Wow. This is 100% true
It's like a computer default; the same thing happens every time unless it's reprogrammed to do differently. Know your boundaries, be prepared for if and when.(I wasn't and he left again, feeling that until now still, after almost a year of no contact). Awareness can fix it but they have to find it and do it by themselves. Trying to tell them all the time they need to fix themselves feels like being nagged or controlled, so all it does is get them defending themselves from whoever is picking into their defects. Which also enables the avoidant to avoid. Either remove yourself from the situation completely or try some kind of counterintuitive method. There is coaching available for avoidants; awareness is half the battle won.
Computer default!...Perfect analogy!😉
I gave him multiple chances but he couldn't change.
Aha just happened to me a week ago. Out of the blue 😢 b
Couple of days we're hard. Now I feel peace
3 times. Totally broken.
Yes you are so right. Thank you
This is me now
I'm sorry Sophie. It's crushing. Remember to keep walking forward. I have to remind myself to breathe thousand times a day. @sophieflowers3745
There will never be a second time. Once was enough.
2 times.
Then I did it.
I went back.
Then he did it again.
14 mos.
I got very attached, but I know now.
If my ex ever came back, I wouldn't steam in straight away laying ground rules down. I'd Start off by just having fun and and laughing all the time like we used to. Then after a few weeks or a month, I'd say we both need to work on this. I've learnt heaps by watching your videos and I'd suggest we both go to counciling together. I wouldn't let my heart run away with itself until I saw her putting the work in and seeing results.
Our relationship was quite new first time around and our last date, she said she loved me and was so happy in my company. A week later her oldest friend of 40 years passed away and a week after that, she called time on our relationship.
How many times they can try to come back … she was pulling so strings triggering me to shout … still somewhere deep believe this can be fixed 8 years together
The second time… try the 10th time 😅😢
Try the 50th time in my case. I lost count, but there won’t be another one.
At what point do you cut thr chord ?
Well she eventually left me someone else. So that was the closure I needed to end this 5 year of a viscous torturing cycle
@@davemaurer7341 she will do something that pisses you off finally. In my case she stood me up for a concert. That was one of her many go to moves when she was triggered.
Some people only have the bandwidth to be parents and not focus on their psychological well being which goes without saying but I’ll say it: if you focus on your well being physically and mentally: YOU WILL BE A BETTER PARENT.
No thanks, they snooze, they lose.....
Ive lost count how many times ive been ghosted and ghostlit...I have been blocked on phone so I dont know or think he is coming back. Hes prone to monkey branching. Im fact he called over to me a greeting just so I looked over to see him flirting with a girl at church when he knew I would be jealous. What a jerk.
Thank you !!🙏
You took him back after 10 years?! 😵💫😵💫😵💫
Thank you for this video 🙏🏽
Talked to a guy for a while. Started seeing each other for like a month. It was great the first two weeks then he started distancing. Trying to talk to
Him about it caused him to end it. I said ok and didnt reach out. Two weeks later he comes back bread-crumbing for a week and commenting on my selfies. I ask what the deal is and he calls then we make plans. We hang out one night and plans for a few days later but the next day im blocked on everything. Its too much to deal with and idk why a man cant be mature and just talk about whats going on.
Dear God help me …
thank you so much
The 2nd time; I reached out to him after 3 weeks of NC. New cycle but I did not trust him more. I wouldn't have sex this round and that saved me from the devastation. I was completely thrown. But I realized- not again for me. That was his chance. And as hard as it is - I got more secure in my standards. Now I'm just pissed and moving on.
What about the 3th one? Hahaha :(
I have Questions about affairs.
1 Is it turth that Not every affair involves sex. ARE still affair or do people need sex for affair or cheating to happen ur not
2 can people have affair or Cheat on someone without having no sex
3 .If i was dating Morgan i starting seeing my ex boyfriend Stephen start to make emotional attachment to Stephen i when i know him from school to college by texting him and meeting up and talking to Stephen on phone and thinking about him and watching films with him without never never having no sex ? Is it emotional cheating
4 can i have affair without never never having sex.
5 is it really affair without having no sex
6 can i have emotional and physical affair without having no sex?
Would you suggest couples therapy if they come back as a condition?? Would it show an equal give in take...or is this something they have to do on their own??? Thank you for this help I appreciate you.
If the other person is willing to do therapy and/or couples therapy, then by all means go for it!
Make sure the therapy delves into fears and past hurts and how those affect the connection and intimacy in the relationship.
Instead of therapy where theres finger pointing and accusations. All the best to you.
How long does it normally take for a male avoidant to reach out after discarding you?
Opinions will vary on this but it takes a lot longer. Some say three months, some say six months but it can take longer. If they rebound, that time doesn’t count because they’re still avoiding dealing with the loss. They don’t begin to process the breakup until their walls come down, when they are sure you are no longer a “threat” of intimacy.
@@Kavilion makes sense, thank you! It's going to be 5 months in a few days since the discard took place, so I was wondering what the average time frame is. His father really did a number on him when he was a child and still things between them are "off" in adulthood.
Just found out he has started seeing someone about a month and a half after our breakup... Completely heart broken. She is a lot younger than him as well... But I guess it's normal for guys to want a younger girl.
@@Dani-tl7bz that could be to help him avoid dealing with the heartbreak. If you had a good connection, he’ll start missing you and realize what you brought to the table. I’m 90% sure mine went back to an abusive ex so I get the pain you’re feeling
@@Kavilion Ii's so hard. Feels like our whole relationship was fake or never meant anything if he was able to move on so quickly and I'm still heart broken. She looks like the complete opposite of me!!
Happened about once every 7-10 days with my ex. Everyone reaches a breaking point and ends up leaving the avoidant.
It’s a really sad situation, they will end up being lonely old people.
Last week was the 5th discard.... she was drunk and high at a fun concert. Didn't want to dance or hang, just said, bue bye... coldaf and i dont knkw where tbis ca.e from??
My soul is crusjed again because i worked on healed myself and became secure and just like that, anxious attachment resurfaced.... I'm completely at a loss....
Sociopath/Narc behavior, sad, so sad....
When she realizes once again what she lost and comes crawling back, don’t be the bigger person. Treat her with the same soulless, inconsiderate cruelty she has shown you.