Breaking From Your Parents -- An Overview by a Former Therapist
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- Опубликовано: 29 дек 2017
- My book on the subject: wildtruth.net/breaking-from-yo...
My Patreon: / danielmackler
My website: wildtruth.net
---All about abusive parents, becoming independent, becoming your own person, healing from trauma, having boundaries, setting limits, respecting yourself, and becoming emotionally healthy.
You have to ask yourself “ if I wasn’t related to this person, would I be their friend?”
100%
That's a tricky one. Many lost and confused people befriend other lost and confused people, so it'd be meaningless to compare one's relatives to some ideal people one would never get along with, first and foremost because one is not an ideal person oneself. So a honest answer is that the relatives probably would not be included, by chance or by statistics, in the particular group of lost and confused people that one befriends.
THANK YOU.
Yep. I wouldn’t of been friends my father. ✨
💯
Breaking away from toxic family is essential. Reminds me of a quote 'Healing from trauma cannot happen in the environment that created it'
Exactly my view.
Damn this speaks
Thanks for saying that. I am still under the gaslight effect. You are so validating.❤
that hit home
When I turned 50, a great thing happened....I decided to only hang around people that truly cherish me! No more wasting time on people that don't!!!
Yes! I'm I. My early 40s and finally learning that my happiness is actually important and that I deserve to be happy and to be loved!
I learned this in my 20s!
30s
I broke free once my parents passed which was last year. I'm now 43 and I'm free as a bird and refuse to be around people who don't cherish, appreciate or respect me.
Me too now I'm alone
I broke from my mom. I feel like I can breath now. She was a terrible mother who was raised by a terrible mother and we children were made to feel like burdens. I realized my purpose in life was to break the pattern of generations of unloving, lousy, parents. I tell my kids I love them everyday, I compliment them, I'm proud of them, and I let them know it. I'm the mom I always wanted when I was a kid. That's what I believe I'm on this earth for.
Well done Lisa. It's a great gift to humanity to dismantle old toxic patterns inherited from our parents.
Ive always said I was put on Earth to parent so I get it..yet others see that I chose to stay home with them as unimportant, even being lazy . I don't understand that part.
💫💗
@@Vince-fg4vp Deep down your mother is still a person. It feels good temporarily to have that 'victory' over your parents but let's have another conversation in 20 years to see how that panned out. At some point, your 'doing good' turns evil and then you have to live with the consequences of being ungrateful upstarts...... not as a child, but as an adult.
I was raised by an overbearing mother who never listened to me, demeaned my ideas and efforts too. When I had my children, I made sure to let her be my guide in parenting by doing everything different than she did.
Two years ago, my 37 year old daughter estranged from us, out of the blue, with no explanation. And we made a point just like you, of being there for our kids, lots of love, opportunities to follow their hearts, encouraged them always, etc. Sometimes, no matter how many times you tell them you love them, they can still leave. I hope it doesn't happen to you because take it from me, it's not always the parents.
My familial estrangement is 10% anger from past things they did, 90% that if I am still around them they'll continue the same toxicity.
Nicely said.
Removing myself as an option to them was the only way to stop getting used.
As an adult, I told my father that he can't say anything he wants to me. He said, "why not?" I said, "because I'm a human being."
What was his response?
💔 I feel that
That hit my heart❤
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Safe People by Henry Cloud
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix IMAGO
Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
Emotional Intimacy by Robert Masters
Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman
The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman
The Untethered Soul by Micheal Singer
I am an American raised by dysfunctional Arab parents. When I moved out of the house, I was gossiped about by people in Arab-American community. I was belittled by relatives overseas. It was a struggle to move out and even more so to disengage completely. I have reached a point where I have no choice but to disconnect.
Shahi Amen Good for you. Stay strong. Iypu owe them NOTHING. God bless.
You are free, but sometimes freedom is hard to accept. We want to go back to the bondage of the familiar for comfort where comfort does not exist.
You have done well. Even though it was probably very difficult and painful for you. Good work.
In their eyes you became Westernized.
Im Indian... i totally get it...
When I'm around my parents, I feel meaner and angrier and when I'm at work, I feel happier and feel a bit different. I feel like I've been different people depending on who I'm around because of how I was scolded for things I loved and now I am so confused about who I am. Honestly, I want to move to another country to just get away from everyone and to figure out who I am.
agreed but you know what they say about this little episode of happiness? They say we are ungrateful :(
Omg I feel the same way. I feel like I need to get away from everyone that I know to figure out who I am. Leaving the city or even state.
This country isn't big enough for both of us!!
Always on fight or flight. It's exhausting. Then I pick up on their behaviour "fleas". Makes my narc OCD flare up. Triggers my toxic shame avoidance. I feel so alone but I'm getting back on track. I want to love and receive love.
I think people that break away from their toxic families and actually realise they have childhood trauma should be proud of themselves for thinking outside the box instead of having children of their own with unresolved traumas and creating a domino effect.
I had 2 daughters before healing or even realizing I needed to heal, but parenting was obvious for me.
Do I want my daughters to feel for me how I feel for my parents???
Do I want to put through the hell I went through???
Nope, and Nope!
I do agree though, if you know you need healing, hold off on having kids until you've healed. 😎👍
This comforts me. Thank you
When you said "...if they weren't my parents I wouldn't choose to be around them..." I can relate! Now, if they would kindly find their way out of my psyche....
Have you been able to do so? It's started to manifest as physical pain as well attempting to do so
Listening to this feels therapeutic.
IKR saved it for when I feel weak and want to call my dad as a reminder of how abusive he is and that he is not a dad but a man who had a child.
Yes!!!!
Sure does 😢
Dude......where have you been all my life! Could listen to you all day.
Thomas Sperduti Yes I wish I could have had Daniel as a therapist. I’ve done all the work on myself . I have nothing to do with my parents for over 20 years. Best regards to you.
RIGHT
Right? He was drawn to help others because he needed it himself...give what you give...reap what you sew!
This guy is worth milions!
ditto
Love this...Reminds me of Alan Watts thoughts about parents ...one of the greatest accomplishments in a persons life is to survive from their childhood.
S&DH S&DH dude...nice writing. I don’t know if you ever heard him...enough though.
Plato had sex with teens and probably Socrates had sex with him too since it was normal in those days. Old guys with young male teens hmmm.
Watts wasn’t ever looking for anything, drinking, womanizing, sure never undermined or devalued his thoughts and insights about reality, one has nothing to do with the other.
I can say the same of catholic priests , like hundreds of catholic priests touching little boys. Or ministers taking advantage of their followers abusing them and neglecting them.
Im sad about your review of alan watts (and also about the video) because it pre supposes all the negative aspects of (being child) alan watts ,as something that overweights the positive aspects. There are tons of aspects to take into account that are not only positive but have giving great insight and motivation to many people around the world. You take what you want from each situation and each person. Alan never saw him self as leader of anything, he entertained just like this guy in this video is doing.
To criticize someone like Alan watts who’s aim is to entertain by something thats has nothing to do with entertainment, well is it really a “critical” analysis or just talking nonsense? Cause if thats the point, then any 10 year old playing fortnite can do it.
He wasn’t trying to lead anyone anywhere, just to realize, ( again like the guy on this video) that you have your own life, this right now, and you decide where to go or how to go about, anything else is just either propaganda or entertainment either trying to convince you of something or just create some sort of pleasure to entertain you.
Meehhhhhh.....i just like alan, well his thoughts and insights and if it is because of the vodka and the woman that he had those insights, im all in!
The aggressive conversations people would have against me for breaking from my parents...i've learned to lie. At the beginning of every holiday season, I tell anyone who asks that I'll be going home to my parents house (across the country) for my favorite childhood foods and "needing a vacation from my vacation." Basically, I commiserate. And it works like a charm: no one REALLY wants to hear about your home life or family life, they just want to know that you have one. It makes them feel better.
I had a girlfriend once who would routinely end a conversation with "call your mother." Her lack of understanding was the chief reason I broke up with her.
By contrast, my best friend once said something to me that explains why he's my best friend:
"I dont know your parents, but i know you and I cant imagine what they must have done to you and for how long for a guy like you to not want to every talk to them again." He didnt know them. I never explained to him. But he took my side simply by taking an interest in who I am.
Sounds like a great friend
@@theinnerworkclub6060 Interestingly, I met HIS father last thanksgiving, and, at the age of 80+ he said the same thing after only knowing me a few days.
The apple did not fall far from the tree,
I'm happy you have a good friend who supports and accepts you for who you are ❤
This hit me hard, thank you for sharing. I am in the process of this breaking away from my Nan, and it's happening with some friends who I realise don't respect me either. It's like I've gained self respect after a breakup from someone who was gaslighting me and in response to this, I'm having an energetic clear out because Ive become more aware and honouring my feelings. But it's such a big change, it can feel scary, you wonder if your mad, and wonder if you'll end up all alone and if anyone will understand and then I read your comment... WOW. Like you find those ' right people' and you won't even have to explain yourself, youll just know and 'feel/get' eachother. Amazing. ❤️
Hearing you have such a loyal friend made my heart happy. I hope you are surrounded by people who care about you.
Back in the 80s I read a book named "Toxic Parents", along with many other self-help books. I read that a therapist's job was to give encouragement and support to their client, so while going through a painful phase I started therapy in NYC. I expected support and encouragement but every time I told my CSW what cruel things my mother did to me when I was a child, even violations of Penal Law, she said that my mother didn't know better, that she did the best she could, and that she loved me.
I think the worst thing to tell someone who was abused as a child, is that their parent loved him/her, because it means that love can be expressed in a way that causes pain and distress, and it makes the person feel like he isn't worth anything, because then, if his mom or dad hated his guts, what could they have done worse? No, no, no, it's taboo to admit that some parents hate their child.
It's good to hear your conclusions after doing the hard work of becoming yourself, because I've been there, done that, and am indeed much happier and freer than before.
Well as Aaron Clarey said, if you think your kid is a nuisance, then why did you fart out the kid in the first place.
My former therapist used to tell me the same. I'm so angry with her now. I wish there were any guidelines for child abuse survivors therapy. I could have consulted them and brought them up during therapy. Perhaps this would have helped me quit that therapist faster. She was unprofessional.
@@protoluigi2047 Fart out the kid, ha, ha. Exactly!
All my childhod I had one thought: 'why did they have children if they consider them as nuisance?'.
And they even say no matter what hes still your father or giving excuses like maybe hes just tired of having no work IM SICK OF IT HEARING MY MOM AND RELATIVES SAYS THAT ALL THE DAMN TIME.
It only matters to them if they go through the same way as you did. If he treat you the sane with me. It's ridiculous its always for their sake
I went no contact from my parents over 20 years ago. Not one regret. I was the scapegoat and my abuse was traumatic to say the least. My mother died 2 years ago and never went to the funeral. A friend of mine found out she died on the internet and told me I was not even listed as surviving children. I was not surprised at all and I had no reaction whatsoever. They to me had become egg and sperm donor. The huge thing I learned from them is exactly what I never wanted to be and never will treat anyone like they treated me. So I broke the cycle. I’ve never liked my parents after the age of 5 when my father molested me. I knew on an intuitive level what he did was devestating. I felt it deep down even though I could not tell anyone and no one would believe me anyway . I stopped trusting them and that never stopped.
Lara O'neal I broke away from my mom & dad nearly 7 years ago. My mom died in February & I found out 6 hours after her funeral. I didn't care too much about that. I was sad for a few days, but I think it was just me grieving the relationship I always wanted with her would never happen. But I'm kind of already accepted it as it is & my therapist is amazing & helped me work out how I'm feeling. I'm sure I'm not fully over it this soon, but I don't cry at all anymore & I don't even think of her everyday. 🤷🏻♀️
Brittini Haith God bless you I’m sorry for ur hurt.,the forgiving will sometime come just make a decision that the forgiveness will come later. It is a process not an event so don’t feel guilty if don’t feel forgiveness right away You have work through the stages first
The beautiful thing about forgiveness is that you don't have to endure the abuse anymore, don't ever have to see them anymore...they stay in your heart but not in your life... the pain is with them...not with u... it was there pain... all along
Duct Tape True but forgiveness is a process not an event. It doesn’t happen overnight. For me it took years of prayer but finally achieved it. Best regards to you.
Lara O'neal I'm so sorry Lara. My father molested me also. The emptiness and sadness never leave do they. We just have to pick up the pieces of our broken lives bit by bit. All done by the people who are suppose to love and care for us.
Breaking away from parents in an Indian society is hell. I did it. There is more work to do. Thank you for this amazing video.
How did you broke with your parents?
I hope to do the same.
@M Nivedha I'm so much in need of this too!
@@XTheSpartanX7 There is no right time. If you wait, it will be worse at the time you do, and it 'will be a time', mark those words, when it will just explode because patience and acquiescence will not be tolerated by your higher self, if that is what you know you need for your Self.
Now you can dance.
Wow. A truth teller. The damage such parents do is tremendous. And often reports of the abuse/neglect aren't believed, by family or therapists, adding insults to the injuries.
Especially those who didn't have to break from theirs
"Family is a cult" .. wow! My words exactly. I never thought I would hear someone else say those words in that context. Prior to my exit from my family I was thinking the same thing. I left about 3 years ago and it was certainly difficult. The narcissistic community, particularly on youtube helped me a great deal. It is really validating to hear people with the same story as yours.
How are u now?
Family is a cult. Its not a natural thing for humans, through evolution.
Its a new thing.
I remember I found this video when I was looking for validation for my decision to break from my parents, and now, many years later, I can confidently say, my life has been split into two eras. Before finding Daniel's teachings and after, his videos have catalyzed change in me like nothing else ever has, and I'm forever grateful to him.
That gives me hope. I feel so guilty
@@theinnerworkclub6060
I try to walk the middle ground: just be there when my old aged parent really needs help and asks me for it. (The other one has passed away.) They gave me life and looked after my body when I was young and I don't mind giving something back when I don't feel forced or manipulated to do so.
I hope you're okay.✨
My mom put me in a psych center at age 3. 26 years 13 diagnoses and 25 meds later I'm pissed. I think I've been made to think I'm sick. I've been hospitalized 15 or more times and now I'm told I have scizophrenia and treated for it. They are wrong. Psychiatry has ruined my life because my parents mostly my mom failed to raise me. Thanks for the video.
Fiat Lux They have set us up for failure literally. This was horrific abuse. God bless you and keep getting educated on this dynamic it helps you tremendously. A good book is ON THE FAMILY by John Bradshaw also Toxic Parents. Take care of YOU. Don’t feel guilty. Our parents sabotaged everything. It’s also never ur fault. Don’t let anyone who even seems toxic in ur life. God loves u more than u know. Ur certainly making a great decision being on Daniels site. He is authentic. He’s wonderful. Best regards to you sweetie.
It was easier for her to have you locked up than to face the horror of what she has done to you.
Fiat Lux ....lets call you LUX cause this is who YOU are..
You see things so clearly that..i dont think you are sick at all..the dissociation in skizophrenia to me are NORMAL HEALTHY REACTION TO TOO MUCH PRESSURE! Because after all this time of nonsense in your life.look at you..you are talking si greatly so clear minded...well try to ask progressively to reduced cares to go gradually out from the system..speak out always more clearminded..engage in actvities that can relax you and you enjoy..show them you are curiose to learn new things..read books (all things that show your brain is functionning!!) Set up by yourself a class of gym to slowly ho bk to healthy habitts..and try to involve others..look soft gym only..some soft stretching some pilates some soft yoga (I call it CALM GYM)..
LUX..look at yourself..you are sooooo much more than all the mistakes that have been done in your life..YOU ARE LUX cause of YOUR SOUL who IS NOT SICK AT ALL..Beautiful friend find a way to come out from the system and once out write down your story and self publish it to make public all the mistakes done by an HEALTH CARE System..
But look this is the MENTHAL CARE SYSTEM ALL OVER THE WORLD..there is the culture at the base that has to change..the mental condition can be transitory temporary only as NORMAL REACTION OF A HUMAN BODY AND MIND OVERWHELMED BY STRESS..not everything is a stable forever "pathology". Only pathology should be treated by the system eventually..all the other temporary affection of the mind can be yraoted much more easely i.e. on the medical side to avoid any kind of back side effects ..against the depression thay obviously can manifest as symptom of all the yroubles in life..I manage mine using SPIRULINE TABLETS in the dosage of 1/3 of what said on the package..and this is goid enought to kick my booty out of the bed..then I take IGNATIA 9CH Homeopathic medecine 3globules 3 times each day at the homeopatic way that is prescribed and i can go on woth this as long as I feel.If siucidal toughts arise those 9 globules usually spread during all the day. I take it instead 3 glob x3times every 30 minutes..and this stops any attempt...got my point? Then every morning at breakfast eat nuts:12almonds6pistachios(better unsalted)5whole walnuts..add 3 soft dried apricots and 3 teaspoons of goji berries or blackberries...then go on your day..start with a meditation..on line you tube offer many for free all guided by beautiful voices..then? Smile at the sun:this is youroment your day your now..plan wt you want to do didciver create and so on..
Then? ACT YOUR PLAN, grom yourself wear as you can feel beautiful and plan also naps on your way if you feel you need it..
Do gardening..go for a walk..be with your INNER DIVINE SELF..the PERFECT HEALTHY STRONG CALM LOVING WISE COMPASSIONATE YOU..THE BEST ALLY THAT EVERYONE CAN HAVE.
If you eant to socialise speak out clearly only and show assertiveness/boundaries to others to avoid they will step on your feet..and be gentle with them and much more with yourself!!
Go LUX to enlight the World :) ;) thons of love...lets go make our NOW LIFE fantastic as we can in the now..
It is all a mind shift into the chouce to see the healty and beauty around us.I am dxercising in stopping accepting others toughts into my mind..I do tc of myself manage my depression..but at the end it is My life so if it has to be my responsibility it is also right that it will be managed following mainly my rules..
Be blessed every one..remember always the difference between tempirary condition and real pathology and lets open eyes to this old system so still far away from understanding the consequences of our hectic overstressing modern times!!
Bless you all in Harmony,Love&Light
Stefania Mirri
Very helpful information spoken in a very supportive, tender, understanding manner.
You are one of the "earth-spirit angels" we all cry out for deep down inside of ourselves and seldom find!
Good work, my friend, good work indeed!
Leigh Burville aww..thank you kind Lady..you make me blush now..this World needs kind helpers and we all can be..
So..cause this is sooo needed..lets go for this!
Have a blessed day dearest Lady< ♡♡♡
Breaking from our parents is a brave act. In France it still an isolated act. Freud stays the king of psychiatry. I have never met a good therapist. I have no more conections with my mother who considered me as a toy. My father died, I met him 4 years before his death and he tried to manipulate me. That's the reason why I can't forgive them. Breaking from my parents asked me a lot of courage, but I'm alive. Thanks Daniel again.
I broke with my father 7 years ago, and with my mother 2 years ago. The best 2 decisions of my life. My only regret is not doing it earlier. To have to forgive the same people over and over will KILL your soul and at some point you feel like the worst person. Man I can't agree more with this video.
Definitely what happened to me I keep forgiving and trying to make things work, all the efforts is for nothing
I feel like my core wound from my parents is disrespect. They looked at raising me as a burden rather than from love. They couldn’t look at and change their behavior so they skipped over it and expected to get all the good parts of and respect from me that they didn’t earn and have a right to
I really feel that, I couldnt have said it better myself, from my own experience
I feel absolutely the same
I feel the same as well. Very good point.
It always surprises me how much more loving my feelings are for my parents when we are far apart.
"Ownership" of children is an attitude that has run its course for a lot of people, even some parents, maybe?
Sasha Stone And Men by Women.
Yes, and this is very wrong. I treat my children the way I wish I was treated as a child. I respect my children. I do not control them. I teach them, show them love, and discipline them as necessary. I allow them to shine and show who they are instead of trying to manipulate them into who I may want them to be.
boltonlad18 no
Hopefully we progress on this as a human culture
@@drts6955 I have to agree, looking at the big picture outside of the present day liberal west.
I love this guy! He's so honest and sincere.
Is amazing, isn’t it? The people who are supposed to love you most are the ones who inflict the most harm. I hear you, brother.❤❤❤
The main reason it's so hard to set boundaries with parents is because our inner child would have been punished for that as a child. And also if we walked away from our parents as a child, we would have not survived in the world on our own. So it's the inner child that is terrified to detach physically from the parents, because that would have meant annihilation to the child. I keep reminding myself that I am an adult now and can survive on my own, and actually thrive without them in my life.
Toxic parents don't respect their children's boundaries.
Toxic parents don't respect their children at all. They don't see their children as people. That's what makes them toxic.
And that includes toxic siblings, and cousins it’s really sad because when you sever ties you lose everybody from the family. And usually a family member has done a smear campaign behind your back so you lose quite a few friends or people that you thought were friends as well.
I love your explanation
Adults choose their relationships.
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
The Untethered Soul by Micheal Singer
The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman
Safe People by Dr Henry Cloud
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
Boundaries by Dr Henry Cloud
Oh brother... trauma and retraumatization. The cycle. I broke away decades ago. And yes, I was labeled the family "weirdo". The snob. I wanted and got an education. Didn't accept bigotry, violence, alcoholism. Didn't want to get pregnant or "settle down" at 18. This concept seemed *crazy* to me! And *I* was the weirdo?! Yeah, right. 🐯
Fucking SAME, me and my brother are labeled "weirdos" in our family and when I try to explain with logic that THEY are the biggest problem in our life they can't accept it. I'm 22 and tried all my life to understand and improve them. Now I say FUCK THEM ALL. They don't love themselves why would I. Fuck Ignorance.
The family is a cult. I went no contact 20 years ago, sad yes but mandatory for me. Toxic to the max.
This is inspiring. I envision myself in 20 years family free. I actually have a future when I think of myself separate from my family. I actually want to live.
@@Pneumarose Wow, family-free, I am using that, lol.
When my father died, I realize I felt absolutely no loss. I was 59-yesrs-old. I have to take anxiety meds when I visit my mother.
I felt that I needed to smoke a joint or two before I could deal with my mother and sister...since I went no contact, I don't even want a smoke - funny that.
It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia | Charlie’s Breakdown
ruclips.net/video/0k0QR2LRqJU/видео.html
A clip of Charlie attempting to carry his dead dad’s corpse body, up a hill.
When my dad died, I said, “Thank God that’s over!”
Dear Dream Beach Dreamer, many people who have had near death experiences, who have been clinically dead and then brought back to life....report they they go through a "life review" where they see their life from beginning to end and also see and FEEL how their actions affected others....in other words your father would have had to feel what you felt as a result of his actions. If you do some research into NDE's (near death experience's) it may alleviate the feeling that he got away with it. We all reap what we sow, if not in this life, the next.
On the worldly plane....he died knowing that his daughter wanted nothing to do with him. IMHO he didn't get off scott free. My belief was not formed by any religion but by a curiosity to find out what happens when we die and lots of reading from reputable sources such as the psychiatrist Dr Brian Weiss. Many, many people have bravely shared what happened to them in the space between life and death....once you start looking, it is overwhelming how much evidence is out there for this phenomenon.
I strongly believe in one way or another we all have to face what we have done. I hope this helps you find some peace.
Reading poetry and literature will help you. Vigdis Hjorth is very popular Norwegian writer and she wrote the book called Testament It’s about abuse and how family members dealt with that in an affluent family. Also Khalil Gibran in the Prophet said something that helped me through; to paraphrase, he said that we are not our parents children, but gifts of God to them. I think that some parents just aren’t thankful for that “gift” of life. And yet there are all these people who want to have children and can’t. They were not blessed with “the gift.” The physical hurt passed, but how is it possible that a parent can treat his child with so much hatred and cruelty? This is bewildering to me. Lovely poetry by Sarah Teasdale will give you an insight into death and passing. Will your or my father be ever accountable - who knows?! Did they ever feel guilt for how they behaved? I know that mine pretended it never happened, but he suffered terribly for being left alone in the last years of his life. And guess what? He wasn’t alone, we were all there, but due to his lifelong cruel and arrogant behavior, he lost the true human connection with people. There were no intimate conversations, spontaneous laughs, shared experiences. His earlier behavior killed it all. So, while he didn’t physiologically lack in much as his health was failing -the best food was made, drinks always ready, comfortable sofa, latest technology - psychologically he had no much needed nourishment at all. The love was gone. And that killed him finally. A true human connection is what counts the most at the end of the life. We age and need less and less stuff, but we crave for love to the dying day. He gambled with your love and lost. And I am sure he felt it when he needed it most. Mine did, even though I provided and took care of him. But, we couldn’t rebuild the love.
Separating from my father and acknowledging that I don’t have to play his manipulative games is very liberating. I will never see him again and I am glad
I needed this. I am at the first step of breaking away from my parents as an only child and I get waves of relief and depression from my decision. This is the hardest thing I have ever done seeing as how my mom is a therapist herself and uses her schooling and training to hurt and manipulate me. She says she became a therapist to “diagnose” and help” me with my shortcomings in her eyes and an childhood and adulthood filled with psychiatric manipulation has created unbearable anxiety and depression for me. I broke away from them 3 days ago.
How are you doing one year later?
Goodness, your parents/family sound just like mine: Toxic and enmeshed. I had to cut them ALL off, even my little niece. I really want to have a relationship with my niece, but to do that, I would have to have a relationship with my narcissistic sister, who is still very much connected to my narcissistic mother. So for my own sanity, ALL have to be cut off, even my niece. My only hope is that when she's an adult, she realizes the truth and gets away herself...and maybe finds me.
Djinaya Winn wow - this could be me writing your comment ❤️ - my niece is as sensitive as I am and she triggers them in the same way I do ... I know she needs my unconditional love and I want to be there for her ❤️ I’m working on showing up so I say that I want to spend time with her and taking her to vacations ... That is my dream I would like to come true and the shift necessary is me not being affected by my sisters rejection ❤️ And if my sister rejects the idea, than I have done what I could right now - and my niece will grow up and love will find a way ❤️🙏🏻
I lost my nieces the same way.
I’m dealing with this right now and just trying to plan ahead so I can still have a relationship with the little ones but never have to seriously deal with the adults ever again.
Just being around toxic people ruins my spirit.
Completely relate 100%
Oh wow same thing is been going on with me 😢
The family unit is suppose to be your support, backbone, your survival system. However, when it's corrupt with disfunction, it has the opposite effect.
I know exactly how you feel, I'm going through it myself. .. Be strong and live your life the best way you can.
I haven't seen my mother in 8 years, and the amazing thing is, I don't even miss her. I try to visualize her face sometimes and it makes me uncomfortable. I am more happy and at peace without her in my life
Today is my mom's birthday. We don't speak. I keep thinking I should feel more guilt...I feel nothing, but a peace...😏
I havent been to my parents now three months. I feel freeeee, serene, calm. Love it!
I have sent them a sms for birthdays.
Enough was enough.
I am a grown ass woman, at 51 finally growing up into emotional independency.
I am not alone (any more). Now I am surrounding myself with good-natured people who appreciate and respect me. 👏👏👏
Me too
It's sad to say , but I can totally relate 💚
I’m 45 and my mother does believe she owns me. Her actions are so tricky - being nice sometimes, other times cruel or undermining, always the victim, totally enmeshed, talking subtle trash about me... the list is endless.
My parents both left me by dying. We were totally emeshed. I should have left and tried to several unsuccessful times. When my Father died I suddenly realized that I was feeling my own actual feelings instead of his for the first time in my life. He had all the feelings in our family. If he was mad, we had to listen and tiptoe around. If he was sad we had to listen and be supportive. If he was happy, everyone had to smile. It was all him 24/7. He was very verbally abusive. My Mother sabotaged me behind the scenes while telling me how much she loved me. She only wanted me to be happy. After her funeral I started to hear how she had sabotaged everything I had wanted to do. She had maligned me behind my back and blocked me from my intended profession and relationship.
She put him first, as an obedient,servile,submissive wife. She taught you to put others first. .same she was taught and demanded to do herself.
society: "be good to your parents, they gave you your life."
who said i wanted to be born?
As an adult "it was my job to love myself" - thank you for these true words!
Keep spreading the message Daniel, its so important and you are one of the few brave enough to upset the apple cart.
I can def relate. One of my parents was a highly abusive malignant narcissist(google to find info). The abuse/trauma was very damaging as a child. This parent is still alive and attempts to latch on and continue the abuse. I've had to go no contact, which was the healthiest decision.
Thanks for your video.
Amazing!! Thank you for sharing. I agree this society does not at all care for any of us adults who suffered child abuse. We are definently pressured to "forgive and forget." I applaud all the truth tellers of the world for standing up and speaking our truth. I have been speaking truth since age 5 and it is a hard road to walk. I am 32 now, it was all worth it. No matter who believes us or not, we KNOW the truth. We break these inter generational patterns, we are amazing!!!
A man was in court, testifying on the stand. Suddenly, he yelled "shut up!"
The judge gaveled for order. "Do not tell counsel to shut up."
"Oh, sorry, I was talking to my mother."
"Your mother isn't here."
"You don't know my mother!"
I have read Daniel's book, which I highly recommend. I broke from my mother (father is deceased) and 10 of my living siblings over 5 years ago. It was during a full out attack on me after I had moved in with my elderly mother in an effort to offer each other some mutual support. I had just been through a divorce from a sociopath, and my mother was aging. Three months after moving in, I was under serious triangulation, gas-lighting and narcissistic attacks from all directions.....it was horrifying. I'll never forget the day I loaded the last thing I owned (which wasn't much) into the back of a truck and drove away from my mother's home. I was honestly scared of her and her grown children and I swore I would never go back, and I haven't. The details of my story are so incredible, but it would take a short book to outline this madness.
I heard something fitting about breaking from one's parents recently. It is utterly ironic that this phrase is often used in our culture to shame people who have broken from their parents: "They did the best they could with what they knew." in spite of the fact that most abuse in childhood is due to the fact that parents fail to see their child is doing the best he or she can with what they know. One of the first things I addressed after breaking from my family of origin was to take my grown daughter fishing. As we sat on the bank of a pond and fished I pointed out to her how I had failed in many ways as her parent, and tried to get her to imagine what it was she really deserved. I apologized profusely and promised her that I would always move myself toward healing and being the best parent of a grown child that I could be. Since then, our relationship grows closer and stronger all the time, She is a person I cherish, and with her 2 sons, my grandsons, husband and 3 step-children, we have formed a loving, close knit small family.
I still am a bit cut off from society due to rampant trust issues, and they affects of PTSD. I have tried therapy many times throughout my life, often with very little success. However, I do utilize the INTERNET to gain knowledge and insight to what happened to me. This knowledge has given me a small amount of healing and I will keep searching for enlightenment and healing for the rest of my life.
Connie Criscitello wow connie, you touched my heart deeply. I wish you all the best, and i'm sending you a big loving hug.
Yasmin from israel.
"they did the best they could with what they knew" can be a load of shit sometimes. thats assuming all parents are so benevolent deep down they just didnt know any better right? wrong! some parents are narcissistic and sociopathic and they care not one whit for their kids feelings or anyone else's feelings either. they have kids because everyone else does and they need to look normal and respectable, and their kids are there to be pretty and successful so they can make the parent look good in society and for bragging rights. THATS ALL. for "parents" or breeders really- like these kids are simply a tool, nothing more, a tool to be controlled, and of they dont do their "job"? untold abuse for those poor kids.
in general i see that this is a world of parents, where parents always defend eachother no matter what against these "ungrateful" kids. kids are not respected enough in this world and their feelings matter very little. no matter because then those same kids grow up to perpetuate the same abuse onto their own kids and now they're in the "parent club" and the vicious cycle is neverending.
Connie Criscitello - I think you are amazing for speaking with your adult daughter! Being honest, taking responsibility and asking for forgiveness is unbelievably HUGE. Most parents cannot admit to their mistakes. Sadly, most children and adult children just need the person(s) to admit, take responsibility and then the door to restoration can be opened. My parents were abusive. Father abuse w/me and mother slept with my best friend in high school. Yes. Unbelievable. For years I didn't believe I was worth anything. I cut off relationship with them then went back; did this a few times. I had my own kids and realized I needed help w/my issues and don't want my kids to receive the same things; the buck stopped here. I got years of therapy and I also discovered a relationship with Jesus. I prayed (wasn't raised religious) but asked God if he was real. He showed me. It has changed my life. To this day me and my brother/sister don't speak with our parents. My siblings have tried and they still are refusing to own anything and are hostile. It still saddens me that they have chosen this path because I have had to choose my own emotional health. But many years later, I found peace and trust in people. Therapy (mine was Christian that taught boundries as well as love and forgiveness) plus praying, reading scripture (replaced truth with lies we were told all our lives) has restored me so I wanted to share with you, too. You have hope and healing is possible to live a full and whole life. God has a plan for you and it is good! Blessings to you.
You're story is heartbreaking. I read what you wrote with complete attentiveness. I can relate to your story, as I am certain so many here who have posted their own comments can. I can feel the energy. Just know that you are already awakened/enlightened. Enlightenment has nothing to do with feeling good, thinking pleasant thoughts or experiencing positive associations. You have always been what you are searching for. Your courage is your strength.
I have the same sad story…. My family locked me up in psychiatric unit in, claiming I was paranoid about my chronic stomach pains, while actually I had stress induced ulcers in my food pipe.…. I find that very hard to FORGIVE and forget. How could I EVER trust my family again?
😢omg I’m so sorry you had to go through this. My situation is a little different, but I can understand the pain it’s just crazy parents the one who supposed to protect you and care for you actually are the one who’s going to hurt and let other to hurt you, I honestly can’t trust anybody anymore. It breaks you from within
I tried for 54 years to have a good relationship with my abusive father. The nicer I was, the more cruel and horrible. He was constantly causing crisis and trauma in my life. Had to break free. My life is so peaceful now. We can honor our parents by being an honorable person of integrity. We don’t have to allow people to abuse us anymore.
Absolutely
Yes, the problem is lack of respect. They never did, they never will. We have to get to a point that respect becomes more important than their "love" (it is not really love anyway!!!)
true. It is sad, parents tend to take their own children for granted. They praise every other child but not theirs
wow.. this summary I want to just frame (no cap). This is actually very true with me personally. Growing up I received so much lack of respect from them that even a slightest disrespect from them becomes an issue now. Knowing that there's no support of them behind my back - I because self-made. Hustled to get a job that pay (left my passion as I couldn't afford the struggle). Made good friends in life. And now I don't really need their love etc. Just respectful treatment. Not special, just respect as a fellow human being. I think their cards to do disrespect are over. They can't disrespect even once now.
I went to psychotherapy and as I disossioated from the trauma, my therapist actaully said to me "you don't seem to be that upset about it" A lot of therpsist really don't understand trauma. I really had stockhpme syndrome, trauma bonding and victim brainwashing in my childhood and the fact that my therpsist went along with it has actaully caused me more damage her words were"they were just two people who were trying their best". I now have a new therpsist who has gone through the work himself and he has made me realise how much this has hindered my healing... I actaully feel pretty angry at it all.
"trying their best" 🤮 Where do I puke?!
This is a quote from The Prophet from Kahlil Gibran. I thought it was coherent with this video.
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.
thank you. i needed that, i also love how compassionate it is to both parent and child.
It s good to remember that there are also comparatively sane and loving parents out there who are able too see their children as separate individuals. But these same parents acknowledge that they are not perfect, even they can make mistakes. Humbleness is the key word.
that's amazing, thanks :)!
Thank you for posting this. I needed this today.
I have mixed feelings about this poem, as much as I like this poet. It's too easy to use it as an excuse for your atrocities as a parent, to say "you see, that's God acting through me" when they give birth to children unprepared, with neither knowledge nor resources to provide a good life start.
I went no contact with my parents eleven years ago. This also meant that no other family members speak to me. When I had my son a social worker wanted to try to reconnect me with them and said " but she's your mother". Professionals don't understand
Agree
Breaking from a parent to me doesn't mean not honoring them..you have to break from parents who don't respect you as an adult
Exactly. I honor my mother and my father by not allowing them to abuse me. They treated me like a drug and I will not enable them by letting them use me to get high.
As I was growing.. I would say to my parents.. I am an educated adult now. Can we please just have a conversation? Can you respect my opinion? This when I was in my 20s. They ignored that and continued to treat me like a "child". I did a kind of INFJ "door slam" on both of them. Trauma, trauma, trauma, yes.
Michelle Wei that’s me !! Except my ENFP self is finally having my Tyrion Lannister moment and realizing my mother will never love me like I want.
Sam exact thing happened to me. I will forever be a 15-year old teenager in the eyes of my elderly mother.
It would be amusing if not depressing, considering I am 42.
Exactly
"Parents still have the idea that even their adult children are still their property"
Yep, well said. My mother was angry when, before I broke contact completely, I started addressing her by her name instead of "Mom". There is, of course, absolutely nothing rude about addressing someone by their name, providing one isn't doing it in a belittling or sarcastic way. But for me to do that meant to her, I guess, that I had taken her off the pedestal, which she couldn't accept.
That whole part about parents lying to get kids into psychiatric hospitals gets pretty dark. As a kid you don't know what's going on, what questions to ask doctors, how medication effects your brain or how to describe what you're feeling. You're still developing. Yet you have all these people making critical decisions about your brain chemistry without any real context or understanding of who the "real" you is or what your "normal" mode of functioning is.
It took me years to learn my lesson but it's simply: whatever happens don't freak out, don't give the doctors any information you don't have to, smile, make your bed and be polite, get your discharge, and then hit the road Jack.
I went no contact with my mother 6 months ago. The more time that goes by, the more clear I get about why I had to make this choice. My mother is a therapist and has been for more than 20 years and has manipulated me to believe I have been the problem most of my life. My actual therapist has told me that she is amazed I didnt go no contact sooner and that my mother is a very sick person.
My dad sent an image of a woman pierced with a long sharp object to me and my mother. After she had seen it, her first reaction was to blame us (the kids) for being the reason that he is overworked, out of his mind and stuck to where he is.
I think its an early sign that they would become physically abusive. I don't think it is safe to stay at home in the future if he moves back in.
that's fucked up
I haven't seen my family in years now. I had to break off from them because the behaviors that caused my trauma in childhood were still going on in my adulthood and they weren't willing to hear how it was affecting me. In turn the rest of my extended family doesn't speak to me. No one in my family contacted me to even hear me out and anyone I tried to talk to ignored me. My parents still send me messages on occasion that are pretty harrassing. Last I heard from my father, he told me it was my fault I got PTSD because I focus on the negative.
Same with me 🤦♀️
And I felt like I was alone...
The other day I happened to mention to a stranger that I no longer speak to my family...he laid on some rap about 'graciousness' and other not-so-subtle innuendos of my alleged selfishness. Won't make that mistake again.
"Reincarnate with my father and live under his roof for 25 years, then come give me advice."
Will always be my response 😂
You are an amazing man. I've read all of Alice Miller, been a counselor for almost 20 years. You are so right about so much. Thank you for sharing your experiences, your intellect.
It’s painful but I broke away from my parents. At the age of 54 I finally figured it out my mom is dangerous and incapable Of allowing me to be an independent person
You’re so under rated. I was horrendously abused and my parents never got caught. My dad died last year and I cut him off 3 years before his death. Now I’m trying to do the same with the co abuser ( my mom )
We have been beneficiaries of a psychic virus handed down through our family. I so relate to what you are saying! Children are in a hostage situation. Yes they hate it when you gain independence and put up boundaries. Yes they hate it and they become very nasty which makes us distance more so it's THEIR loss in the end! These parents are narcissistic and see us as extensions of themselves which is wrong!
I would agree with the term psychic virus. Sums it up & there is many!
I worked with elderly people for several years. Most of them keep up the power games with their middle aged kids right up until the end. I agree with Daniel's comments in the dementia video also. I have to say that the level of nastiness, exploitation and sentimentality in the whole geriatric "care" industry (including among patients and families) was a REAL lesson to me.
woah
Thank u for sharing that insight 😮
In my case I left home and moved to another country at 19 years old, not only that I was taking care of myself overworking but also supported them, I didn’t understand back then why I was trying to please everybody and scarifying myself to their needs. It’s so sad that I came to realize at my 30 when I was really sick and couldn’t work, they blame me for getting like that and I had no help. It was the most hurtful to realize that I wasted my young age and my health just to please my family and people around trying to earn love and acceptance from them, not actually focusing on my own life and well being. The price was too high, not even sure how to continue living
I am a 30 y.o. male. This channel is a gem to cement and reflect on my mid-journey of self-actualization and full independence. Thanks for the work!
I'm 48, no resources, felon, trying to break from parents after moving in and out over decades in and out of treatment for alcoholism (parents don't drink) I've been scapegoating. The healthier I am the nastier parents are to me. I have been destructive. Parents can't love but they don't know that. They've no understanding of this stuff.No desire ,no openness to me or to themselves. It's all on me, but that means slinging on a pack and hitting the streets.
"The healthier I am the nastier parents are to me." -- is my reality as well. It's like it's some red rag to a bull challenge to them to try to pull you back down. I also think as you get healthier/more educated, the more you see how constant and insidious their abuse actually is. Be strong.
I completely agree with everything you said. I no longer have anything to do with any of my family and I'm much more relaxed as a person. I am a very traumatised person and it's all down to my dysfunctional family. I hate seeing traits of my mother in me. I still have a lot of healing to do. I'm really pleased I found your video as there is such a stigma around not seeing your family. People definitely think I'm the weirdo but I don't care anymore. It's my life and my choice. Thanks for your honesty.
This is so validating..thank you. Yes..a very painful path, but necessary.
I had to break from my family and dysfunctional siblings etc.
I will love them through God and from afar. I forgive them but can't be around them ... and I will pray for them to our Lord Jesus Christ.
Honor thy Mother and Father. Historically this rung through my mind and kept me in my relationship with my very toxic mother. This time I feel different. I wish her well but I am out.
No my friend, you could be out but visit her with a loving and patient heart.
Imagine what she would be like knowing that you left her for good yet you still breathe.
@@lokishvibes202don’t be basic
@@ParksRec how am I basic
I just bought your book. I have read many a book about 'bad mothers', and I like your approach too - from the viewpoint of the child. I 'accidentally' went NC 8 years ago - when I moved to Thailand. My whole life changed for the better, and I'm insanely grateful for this turn of events. My current therapist calls my family a cult - such words, just like the ones you use are so useful. Thank you for your video ( your videossss, I should say!)
Thank you!! Just exactly where I am at I have to embrace the positives in breaking from my parents like the freedom to be me
My father and I broke contact from his mother for about fifteen years. Then, after being reconnected for about ten years, she behaved in the same toxic ways, so I broke away again. The notion of "you will regret it when they die" is simply untrue. When my paternal grandmother died, I shrugged a little and moved on.
Ben Adams
You will regret it when they die was created by ignorant shmucks who think that they can dictate your feelings for you, in order to keep their untrue beliefs about sanctity of family and all parents being good parents
I’ve fired every therapist I’ve had. They are inept and nothing more than a RENTA friend, none have done work on themselves period. I totally GET DANIEL because I’m so much like him. So many parallels it’s astounding.
God where has this man been all this time so much wisdom
Wow! This talk was for me. Being an Indian born in the UK I've really struggled. Going back again and again. I'm 50 years old and both my parents died in the last 2 years. Till they died I kept going back for that love I was never going to get. I have a lot of work to do. I will definitely be buying your book. Thank you
I get so much more out of this than ANY therapist even remotely came close to doing.
When I get back on my feet, I will certainly help via patreon.
Appreciate you making these new videos.
I recently broke from my toxic parents and step mom. They are very abusive and not good for my health. It's sad but now I can heal fully.
Hope u are well
My therapist used gaslight me. Whenever I would voice my father's abusive behavior, he would say "don't think about it as something against you, but rather as something he does in general."
This made me doubt the veracity of my experiences: "am I exaggerating?" No. My experiences were real, and there was no safety-net to catch me whenever I would denounce the abuse. Having people doubting me, patronizing me, and gaslighting me made everything so difficult. How do you break from abusive environments when you have everyone seeing abuse as the norm? How do you heal being unable to leave? How do you create healthy barriers when violation is the norm? How does one gain the courage to confront the twisted things inside when you feel powerless? How does one keep their sanity in an unhealthy environment?
May the universe help those who heal, because healing will certainly entitle isolation. Though I believe isolation is a petty price to pay for authenticity.
MOST PEOPLE SHOULD NOT BE PARENTS, MOST PARENTS DO DAMAGE THEIR CHILDREN MENTALLY, EVERYONE BE STRONG GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE AND BE HAPPY THE PAST IS GONE, LIVE YOUR LIFE AND DO GOOD THINGS FOR YOURSELF AND OTHERS FOR YOU ARE FREE TO FLY.
That’s exactly the reason why I took distance from them and it’s amazing how I was actually feeling the same way and thinking same way as you describing but I had so much guilt because everyone around was shaming me and blaming me that basically I had to say and things that please them for the rest of my life and just betray myself, I couldn’t sacrifice my life to them anymore, I have all my health and time end energy and all, I had nothing left of me but sorrow health problems and no support to myself
This was the video that started me on my path and now nearly a year later I'm 100x more healthy and loving to myself.
Today I started feeling guilty about my decision not to visit my parents. This video helped me re-bolster my peaceful courage and resolve. Thank you.
It brings foremost one thing: PEACE. :-) I did it too. 6 years ago. The responses from others were similar to your experiences. I do not care. My parents vanish more and more from my mind. The more I do healing work, the more they vanish ... the more I find out who I really am. Thanks for sharing your story. The first I heard I could relate too so much.
Incredible! I only discovered your videos today, and cannot believe how much we have in common...I left social work because of the reasons you stated in another video...I don't have and don't want children due to the reasons you stated in a different video...and I have been no contact with my parents (and entire family) for almost 18 yrs now, also due to similar reasons you highlighted in this video! After the initial feelings of grief and loss I experienced following cut off, with many years of feelings that can only be described as a bereavement (even though these people were extremely abusive, toxic and harmful to me during childhood and early adulthood), and an obsessive amount of soul searching and healing (oh yes, I too remember the tears and profound emotional pain), I now feel so free and so mentally healthy. It's odd how I subconsciously continued to seek their approval in such as my lifestyle, appearance and career choices, even in their absence, for over a decade - like some deep-rooted habit. I'm pleased to say that this habit has now gone. One question I have to ask you, Daniel, that still feels a little puzzling to me - the logistics of death. I am not afraid of death itself, but often find myself worrying about other people having the burden of disposing of my belongings, etc. Having no family or offspring, I suppose it will just have to be my friends...& I don't like this thought. Well, I suppose if that's all I have to concern myself with these days, then I'm not doing too bad! All the best to you in your healing journey!
It' funny that statement "They're the one's who gave you life". Sure, but think of it as more cirucumstancial. You never had a choice to be in this world. But in the end, Your leverage is , You have control over what YOU DO IN THIS WORLD. It's YOUR LIFE. Not YOUR PARENTS".
"The freedom to be myself"
Yes. No matter what others thought of you, that's Inspiring !
Daniel, I know the feeling. I am the happiest for twelve years now. I understand you completely
Your story is my story. Thank you for creating these videos.
... very healing video for me. Thank you. Think I'll listen to this a few more times today.
Hi ,Daniel. You had enough health in you at a critical time to break gradually from a very sick- making family. A teen boy who lived with me and my daughter for a school year- grade eleven-still sees me as an adult anchor and a turning point. He still writes postcards tenderly. So glad I did this. I think he still sees his dad but I sheltered him, cooked dinners (a first for him!) and I had a "Who cares?" attitude to his being gay. I wasn't "doing therapy" (not a therapist) but I was somehow helping him heal, as you say. He's so much more grateful than my kids because they were always used to me!! I'm always surprised at his gratitude.
Marie Lloyd ...bless you..
I loved hearing this, Mari. Wonderful that you showed him so much love a d it made a huge positive impact on him. I'd like to adopt someday. Goes to show how people Thrive when they are seen and loved for who they are.
going to college was the best thing to happen to me. required housing at school was amazing. I also found a friend who opened up to me a lot, and I could open up to her and she helped me heal a lot of my self-confidence and self-value issues as I realized how broken many of my boundaries were (still healing).
I found a boyfriend my friend approved of (since I am too much of a sucker to many people due to poor boundaries), and I feel very safe around him. I have grown a lot in confidence of what my strengths are, and I don't let my parents' criticisms define my strengths in any way - almost.
Covid sucks since I've been forced to be at home, but it pushed me to drop premed my mom was forcing me on (and financial control involved since it's so expensive - I'd have to live at home for school, too.)
In two years, when I graduate, I will get a job and move in with my boyfriend. Maybe we'll be married by then. I will have to cut off one of my sisters in addition to my parents.
I really do hope that my other sister stops hoping my mom will change because she won't.
Breaking apart from Indian parents requires....MONEY. You must have enough money, friends, a car, and resources to survive when they - and the community around them - will attack your decision with a scorched earth mentality.
Probably the best mentality I could adapt is "better poor than in chains." I got comfortable with the crappiest car, apartment, and clothes when leaving...knowing that it's temporary poverty and to not feel the "pain" of leaving their (material) comfortable life to one of struggle.
For about 4 years, I lived paycheck to paycheck, having the lights turned off a few times, but AT LEAST once a week I drive up to my crappy apartment in my crappy and fetlt like I live in PALACE and drive a limo in that I dont feel that weight over my head and eggshells under my feet.
Now, i started my own business and it's thriving. I live in a swanky neighborhood with a view, have a classic corvette for weekends and Jaguar convertible for my daily driver. My girlfriend is pretty and most importantly understanding (she also came from a broken home) and our friends are also understanding. Every Xmas and thanksgiving, we have a "friendsgiving" dinner where we all spend the day together with our CHOSEN family (each other) and truly, truly enjoy the day, drinking and laughing. This is so opposite to the joylessness of my upbringing, that it almost feels like it happened to someone else. Almost.
This new family is so sincere. When one of us moves, gets their black belt, changes jobs, or has a birthday we fall over ourselves to support and lift them up. It's a joy, not an obligation, like it was growing up.
Being self-employed, i'm off the grid, as far as my parents are concerned, as I'm sure my mom would hire a private detective to track me down. I KNEW, from a young age, that my mom was trying to brainwash me into letting her move in with ME when I got older and more successful. When I first went no contact, my mom tracked me down to my place of business and showed up in the middle of my workday, charming and manipulating the Nigerian homesick immigrant security guard ("I havent seen my son in so long." crying) into letting her into my workspace. Thereafter, at work, I'm now seen as a security risk (because my mom accessed herself into the vault)
My parents have family rifts with other family members and her OTHER plan was to use my wedding as an opportunity to invite her other estranged familiy members into town and brag and mend (yeah, right) these broken relationships. Imagine that: MY wedding used to mend HER estrangements with OTHER family.
Your mother is a narcissist.
OMG I feel exactly the same My therapists projected on me their own traumas and lacks and I was looking for the approval I lacked in them and I was just re-traumatizing myself due to the trauma bonding I had with my own parents.
And Even though there are a lot of videos on youtube there is none that sais this kind of things. The thing is that I have not jet found a good therapist that has his or her own traumas resolved.
I really love your videos because;
1) You speak about your own experience
2) You are not like other youtubers that say “oh get over it you should
already be over it and if you are no over it is because you don’t want to”
3) You really understand.
well, this is very good & this entire subject caused me a great deal of consternation as a young adult & as a Christian woman. "Honor thy parents" doesn't actually translate "Do whatever they tell you to do" as an adult. Nope! It just translates "don't cause them any trouble."
It's funny you mention religion. I'll bring it up again, Jesus in the Bible was very clear about serving him first (above family).
ALSO, in proverbs it says that "there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother" making it clear that sometimes *blood isn't thicker than water
Thanks Daniel. Everything you said. HIT HOME. Glad I'm not the only one.
Hi Daniel, thank you so much for making and sharing this video. I can relate to all of its content. I moved on with my life without my family about three years ago. A healer guided me through the process using a "chord cutting" ceremony. I am another of those people who has heard the comments from friends/professionals/well meaning people such as "they really do love you though", "they did the best they could", "they couldn't give you what they didn't have to give". None of these comments ever resonated well with me. Using a child as a scapegoat to protect oneself or gaslighting a child to believe something that is not factual are not acts of love towards a child; they are selfish, emotionally cruel, sadistic acts. I have forgiven, but know enough about people who treat others in this manner, that I should not forget the treatment I endured. Because if I do, I could likely find myself in a relationship with someone whom will treat me that way again.
We are kindred spirits. I invite you over to my place as I'm trying to give some support from lessons I've learned the hard way on this, staying positive as much as possible. Take care.