Changing the game in youth sports: John O'Sullivan at TEDxBend
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- Опубликовано: 19 июн 2014
- O'Sullivan remembers when youth sports was about children competing with other children instead of adults competing with each other through their kids. Following nearly three decades as a soccer player and coach, O'Sullivan began working to reshape youth sports and inspire a major shift in culture. After serving as a youth coach for the Portland Timbers in Bend, he founded the Changing the Game Project and is now an international speaker and national best-selling author of Changing the Game: The Parents Guide to Raising Happy, High-Performing Athletes and Giving Youth Sports back to Our Kids. His writing has also been featured in the Huffington Post, Soccer America Magazine and The Soccer Wire.
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I have used "I love watching you play", perhaps not often enough, but I'll never forget the first time I said it. My son came off the rink a little disappointed in his performance. More importantly, he was probably a little leery to hear what dad had to say. I said those words, and rubbed his head and that was it. Physically, he changed - shoulders went back, chest out and smiled from ear-to-ear. He hugged me and we had a great afternoon. I'll never forget it.
John I just wanted to say thank you for this video. I have been a youth basketball coach for nearly 20 years and I have shared this video with many parents.
This is a copy/paste from one parent I had shared this with. He had a teenage son that was very talented but just didn't seem into it anymore.
Hey Ron, I owe you a debt of gratitude. A few years ago, I asked for your advice about dealing with Marcus. I thought he had the talent but lacked the motivation and I was getting frustrated. You shared with me some Ted talks and other links and told me to stop offering advice to him and just tell him "it was a pleasure watching you play".
It was difficult to put in to practice. But I pulled way back and just became a support system for him. And a funny thing happened, he fell in love with the game on his own. He is playing his best ball right now and I couldn't be happier watching him play.
And now I just roll my eyes when all the parents are yelling instructions at their kids from the sidelines - as the kids are rolling their eyes back at them.
Many thanks!
J
i am parent. not a corch of some sports. i played basketball until i was 18. the reason that i kept playing it are just fun. i would the benefit of playing sports is to get comunication skills , grit, mental strength. i hope my kids start playing sports.
Thank you, John, for all the amazing work you do. It has had a tremendous impact on us as coaches and people.
i watched this a year ago and disagreed with John mainly because i was that parent and though my daughter could take it. Well after watching her fear of walking up to my wife and i after her soccer matches i decided we had to try a different approach, this simple " i love watching you play" has completely changed things.. (A) her stress level has drastically decreased and her passion for soccer is stronger then ever leading to (B) her play on the filed has increasingly got better! thank you for this John.
I come from the same traditional parent origin. Thank you for the lecture. I will do my best to "I Love watching you Play"
Right on- so many parents living thru their children and not letting their children play
7:05 fun over winning
8:30 I love watching you play
13:27 I love watching you play
Our students are having issues with problem resoulution when they play soccer during recess/lunch. I'm not in agreement with soccer balls being taken away as a resolution. I believe it strips many of our students of their cultural identity. So, what more can I do to assure that our students keep youth sports, cultural responsive learning experiences, and the love of soccer? Are there any programs out there willing to donate time to a school in need so our students play the sport of soccer happily? Thank you so much for this TEDx Talk and your time.
Truely inspiring! Shared it with all my Club parents and coaches.....
Love, love, love this! Perfectly said...now if only everyone will follow this wonderful advise. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom.
Thanks we all as parents should do this.I love watching you play...WOW,Thanks John great message.
And to think of what I missed. Unsupervised games, playing all day, having fun (unless windows were broken while playing baseball but as kids, we had our own rule for this - everyone pays if a window is broken). As kids, we entertained ourselves, learned teamwork and valued friendship, and celebrated when friends were on teams that did well. Our coaches never allowed individual "glory" and only focused on team effort and team results. I wonder what we did wrong to be able to play without constant adult supervision urging us on to the "competitive or traveling team" when all we wanted to do was play with friends. We learned to deal with disappointment, no trophies or ribbons, or not making the cut for elite teams because we were only friends looking out for each other and having fun together.
Megan Ellis
Mike Ellis
Fast baby brother
Awesome! I needed to see this today. I love watching my daughter play!!
So inspiring and encouraging for some people who had dropped out thinking that sports was not for them. A lesson to the entire community of sports
Thank you! I have always been criticized for thinking that kids should PLAY sports. Both my kids have wanted to quit sports for this very reason. I was given this video by my son's new hockey coach. My son is 10. This video brings back many moments of sadness when my son was in tears because a coach yelled at him.
Planning to spread the word through our Youth Soccer Association here in NJ. John is on point here!!
I didn't have any parental participation in sports growing up. My home life as a kid was pretty bad. My mom was a drug addict, and my dad was always very busy working, trying to keep things together while dealing with a wife who was ruining our lives. What little sports I managed to participate in were ruined by overly competitive coaching and, frankly, bullying not just by other kids but by the coaches. I didn't have the rec level experience, and by the time I was able to get involved in any organized sports, these assholes were treating it like they were all going pro. John is right you will remember this for the rest of your life, and I will never forgive these people for the awful treatment.
awesome. thank you for sharing. i work at a rec and park in california and see this everyday.
Every moment matter is extraordinary book. Well done.
I really feel this cause i used to row but we had a change of leadership and the new head coach was convinced i should be competing and performing at a higher level. He kept pushing me to practice with the older girls and eventually it got to the point where i had a breakdown and quit.
Great speech and so true! He is right on! Ive said this for years!
What a brilliant talk. Thank you John for your authenticity and commitment to kids.
OMG, this is exactly how I feel about parents and youth sports.
While I agree with what you are saying, I think there is another issue we need to tackle as well. That is finding opportunities for "recreational" youth athletes. While there are plenty of "beer leagues" in all kinds of sports for adults, once a child becomes a teenager, there is not a lot of opportunity to continue to play sports on a "recreational" level. A large time and training commitment is expected for most teams, and for kids who might not be that "good" at a sport, there is just no place for them on the team, or no playing time if they are on the team.
I think another challenge we need to meet is to have truly recreational programs for kids (especially as they get to high school age) that focus on fun and participation - where you don't have to be "the best" to play.
+Lance Goulet Suggest checking out your local AYSO region (American Youth Soccer Organization) www.ayso.org where 4 -18 year olds play under an Everyone plays philosophy with minimum 50% play time. At the older groups it really is more of an organized pick up game with less training and weekly games. Doug Cirbo AYSO Regional Commissioner RC@ayso85.org
+Lance Goulet Yes. There should be places for competitive sport and a place for recreational. The issue is when kids who ARE competitive and motivated to win, are mixed with kids who don't have the same motivations.
Lance Goulet This is moreso a community issue rather than national. My town has plenty of rec programs for sports and has a wide range of sports to play. Maybe start a rec organization in your community that will eventually grow as it did in my town and the other towns around mine.
irrelevent
Teach transport sports. All of them. They are all life long and offer recreation skillsets that all become transportation. They all may be competitive or non-competitive. Unlike field sports, there is no score to keep in transport sports.
Changing the Game has changed the way I coach my sons in both football and baseball. This reinforces everything I have been trying to do and offers great insight of how to do it better. The other parents love it as well. It is just to easy to get all wrapped up in the heat of the moment etc. Thanks!
This takes a little while for him to get to the good part, but is very much worth watching about how to encourage them to have fun. The phrase "I loved watching you play" has made a big difference at house. Listen to the whole thing in you are able.
Really grateful for this talk John. At 15yo I was a soccer ref in my hometown for U10 and U8 league games. I'll never forget watching a number of parents be removed by police after a near bench clearing brawl over a U8 game. I'm sure none of the kids on the field will forget it either. I'm now father to a 4mo little girl and I can't wait to teach her how much FUN playing sports can be! The hockey commercial is priceless and I hope your message spreads far and wide.
Thanks JohnMichealMiller83 you are on the right track! I appreciate your comments and sharing the message.
John I just want you to know how much I enjoy this. I am posting it on my Facebook page. The words "I love watching you play" is what I tell my grandchildren when they finish every game. I get so upset with parents acting like their kids are playing in the NBA or NFL. They are suppose to be having fun and learning the game. Thank you so much for making an effort to change youth sports.
Thanks for the great comments Toni, keep on that path!
I love the messages! Cool.
Outstanding!!! This is exactly what our group has been saying for years!
This is a great video! I sent it to several people one the commissioner of our basketball league. I have seen some terrible things in soccer and especially AAU basketball. I guess they think their 10 year old is some day going to get them rich. However, the finger points back at my husband and I, we are guilty of the car talks and expecting just too much :( Thank you again!
In youth leagues where I am the organizer carries a bag of lollipops. Any parent getting too intense or loud is given a lollypop as a quieter way of telling them they need to shut their mouths. It is good psychology too, puts the peer pressure and shame back on them, not their kids. No parent wants to be singled out in that way, so they bite their tongues a bit.
Awesome ... I just began coaching my 5 and 6 year old daughters and will send this to my girls' parents tonight as I hope to be blessed with the opportunity to coach them for the next 8-10 years. Thank you for your work and message John.
u prob coach tenn
is
Great video John!!! I shared your message with my daughters U11 "competitive" soccer team. The video has been such a hit it has also been sent to all the member of the my daughters soccer club. THANK YOU for this important message!
Thank you Alyssa! We need evangelists like yourself and your club to spread the good message, our kids need us! Thank you for sharing.
Excellent message John! The 5 words you used; "I love watching you play" are powerful...for both kids and parents. One of the most important things a parent and coach can do for kids is to build their self-confidence and self-esteem...which often means watching kids try, make mistakes and continue to want to play because they're not being criticized, especially in front of their peers. The worst thing a coach or parent can do is to remove the joy of playing and looking forward to playing in young kids...older ones too! Thank you for what you're doing for kids and their parents!
Thank you Bob, we need many voices out there to shift the paradigm!
+John O'Sullivan thank you I read the drive home a few years ago and it was in enough time for me. I do say that to my kids and they think its corney but they know I do love watching them. .....but I hate the sideline and I cant find a spot far enough away so i can watch in peace. please keep up the fight!
Hey friends, back in April I had the honor of doing a TED talk in Bend, OR. It just came out today, check it out and pass it on to anyone you know who has kids in youth sports.
Well Done. Enjoyed it and agree whole heartedly.
Great job !!!
I will be using this in my coaching class for many years to come. thank you for sharing it.
Steve Barnson, Ph.D thanks so much for the kind words and for sharing
This is E X C E L L E N T
Great Job John! See you in Dublin on 29th AUGUST 2014
I am a parent our three children, aged 17, 18 and 20. All have played sports their whole lives. I myself was also an athlete growing up and became a Level III coach. Of course my kids all played the one sport I did not play or coach in the past and that was soccer. ( my son has since moved onto playing football) I have been trying to share similar thoughts throughout my kids lives, with them and their coaches. (not many coaches will listen to a "Mom" or female ) I am THRILLED to see this and will share it with all coaches, board's ect, that my kids are involved with. It is such a vital and important message for both parents and coaches of kids in youth sports. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!! Do you travel into Canada? How can I bring or get your talk into schools here?
Al, please email me, I have spoken in Canada a few times and have a few on the schedule in 2015. Thanks for the kind words. ChangingTheGameProject@gmail.com
Great advice!!
This is fantastic 👍
So powerful
+Baller Boot Camp Bullshit... 70% quit because they get tired of getting their asses kicked by better athletes.
+John Rambo I agree with you that some of that 70% do quit due to being beaten. But how many of the 70% are burnt out due to parent pressure to simply play a game? Trying to find that balance between pushing to improve and having fun is probably a better goal.
Steve Lapinski Parents are soft nowadays.. I don't see what this guy in the video professes... I see parents on their cell phones all practice and game.
+John Rambo I've seen that as well, however in the video and based on my limited experience the parental yelling increases as the kids get older when there's more pressure to perform at a higher level. Not saying its wrong to encourage your kid but verbally assaulting them after a game probably isn't going to get you results for very long. Personally I video my kid's game, then the next day we watch the video and go over how he can improve and his game has improved.
naw
My 12 year old 5'8" daughter has been playing since she was 5. She finally admitted (and I knew it) that she made the teams, so she didn't think she had to work on her own. I'm not talking about at 5, 6, 7 etc. It was easy for her scoring 5 or 6 goals a game. It got more difficult as she got older and tactics came i to play. My daughter got moved around to goalie and defender. She hated goalie and she is always the taller girl playing so defender was easy for her. She was always afraid to hurt smaller girls, so when she got the opportunity to play center or attack she had issues being aggressive. We'd talk about it and over the last year I have been taking her out for additional footwork training and also using the basement to train. It was always a fight to get her to want to do it. One day after a natch my 12 year old said 'why do you always talk so much?' I stopped in my tracks and said, I won't bother you anymore about it then. We drive hours and hours and spend thousands of dollars sacrificing our own time to do this for you. So I won't say anything else. This may be your last season because you don't seem to get it. You can play REC if you like soccer. So, one night about a week later she had a crazy game and scored 3 goals. I didn't bring the GOPRO to thos one grrrrrrr. When asked why she all of the sudden played the way she is capable of playing, she replied, 'I was tired of being lazy. So now she's going down stairs ready to traing and study the game. I have always told her she's amazing to watch when she is trying. I told her God gave her a gift of size and soeed and Intelligence. I told her I don't care about college or Pro or USWNT. I told her I'm inspired by what she does now. So we will see.
Hmm, 253,381 views and only 1k in likes sounds like many people did not agree with all of it. They did not want to give a thumbs up or down, I am one of those people. You had Interesting points I agree on some but not all of it. As your child ages there needs to be some level of accountability as they have a commitment to the team and their goals. If your child does not play competitive they have little chance of making their sports long term goals. Those are facts that your kids cannot comprehend and it is your responsibility to explain as they age.
Such an great talk! i learned a ton and really appreciate how you handle this important topic.
Thanks Eric!
Awsome and amazing touch of the relationships between parents and children.! Yes John, we forget that we were kids and we forgot that we must forgive and give back to our children. Very educational:)) Thank You very much!
Vladimir
Canada
where did u get that last name
this was really good
I really needed to know how I should be handling it at my kids youth bb games, it has become an uncomfortable place for me .....I LOVE WATCHING HIM PLAY but it was getting lost in the BS with the other parents. Some of them are SOOOO intense. Thanks for the simple reality check! I am going to give the game back to my kid, and by doing so, get the joy back for us both.....
+tracy james They are training their kid to kick your kids ass... Now you got 2 choices.. Teach you kid now to live life settling for mediocrity. Or you can crank it up and tell them to fight back and win.. Your choice.
+John Rambo Just because your child is an all star in sports doesn't mean he/she is going to be successful later in life; The news is full of stories of tragic life events of former college and pro athletes. Sports are great for fitness, learning teamwork and communication, however you can't base success in life on performance in childhood sports (ie Bill Gates, Zuckerberg, etc..) versus (Aaron Hernandez, Ryan Leaf, Rae Carruth) Let this information soak in for awhile:over 550,000 kids will play high school basketball this year. Less than 4 % will play at the college level (19,000) Less than 2% of that will play at the pro level (200) www.ncaa.org/about/resources/research/probability-competing-beyond-high-school
Steve Lapinski How do you measure success???? I bet you measure it one dollar at a time.
+John Rambo Kids sports/success are two different things. I will say this though
"Money isn't everything, but it ranks right up there with oxygen. "
charming!
This is on the money and eye opening
Wow...such a personal gut check for me as a parent/coach of both my daughter's softball and son's soccer teams. Great message John. Thanks.
Thanks for the kind words jpcolts
+John O'Sullivan Dude you are crazy... You know why 70% quit.. Because sports is set up to fail in general. 50% of every game is a loser. There is one champion in a league.. Only one.. Not everyone wants to be the Jabroni or Washington Generals every game. And if you don't know what a Jabroni or Washington General is, google it...
So instead of being the sacrificial lamb every game for kids going on to play High School, College or Pro ball.. Kids just say hey, you are better and quit... Don't you dare put this on the parents...
+John Rambo I think you should read Breaking Away by Patrick O'Sullivan (No relation to me), a former NHL player whose father sounds a lot like what you are proposing. Becasue if you actually coached at any sort of level, especially a high level, or read any of the actual research, you would know that truthfully many of the top athletes quit because they get churned out and burned out by dads and coaches like yourself with no training, no high level playing experience, and simply a gut feeling that you are preparing them for "real life." Does your third grader take calculus? Physics? Chemistry? Any subjects that prepare him/her for real life? Or does he/she take classes that are developmentally appropriate? Sports should be the same, says every single actual sport scientist, physician, educator, psychologist, and coaching educator. I am not putting this on all parents. I am putting this on parents who are acting a certain way without any thought as to why they are doing what they are doing. But again, read Patrick O'Sullivan's book, he was a 7 year NHL pro, and tell me if that is the path you want to take your kids down.
John O'Sullivan Eric Hosmer what about him. Bryce Harper, another strong dad.. Mike Trout another strong dad.. Behind every strong MLB player is a dad who pushed a lot harder then other dads or even dads who weren't there. Now the reason I bring up MLB is because it is a skill sport like golf.. Tiger Woods.. Best golfer that ever walked the earth... Yeah another tough strong dad.
Now you were talking about Soccer.. A sport dominated in countries that take young 12 year old or younger kids and send them to Futbol Academies in order to groom them to be great. Messi, Ronaldo. All Soccer Academy kids.. You think they didn't push those kids??? You think they never yelled.. Give me a break amigo, you are living in a dreamland.
John O'Sullivan Also I have heard the story of Breaking Away.. That was a psycho dad beating his kid or forcing him to eat baked beans he threw up... You can't compare a basic parent who yells at their kid to that nutjob...... You are way off base John.
Totally agree. So glad I didn't need a video to tell me those 5 words. Proud to know that I've always said that to my children. Still is true to this day!
You have no clue!
Why would you say that?
ur too old to be here
Could someone give John a glass of water?
Very true
john i feel the same. ive been a youth coach since 1993. I am currently in the process of creating a nonprofit with a twist. anyways thanks for this lecture.
Don't forget... after kids move to high school, "youth sports" end. Unless you make the cut onto the high school team, there are no longer youth sports leagues to join. Guess who always makes the cut in high school sports? Only the top 10-15 players out of the pool of a hundred that played in middle school. I am trying to deal with this issue now while coaching my son's 8th grade basketball team. We have been together for 5 seasons and play in a recreational division in the county youth basketball league. This is the last year we can compete in this league. The guys on my team are not going to make the cut in high school, so they generally stop playing organized basketball. All the parents of my players have voiced that they want to keep playing with this team. I am trying to expand youth sports for the rest of the kids into high school. Any ideas?
Andy I hear you, are there not park and rec leagues to continue? In my town, I know there is an indoor soccer center that has HS coed soccer so kid can keep playing. Is there similar in basketball? 3v3 tournaments? Just think it depends town to town, but sadly when I was growing up if I wanted to play basketball with my friends I just went to the local park and played.
I used to be 'that' parent. I began coaching my son and his basketball team when he was 7. When he was about 9 years old, I began having the "car ride home" talks with him after he had a "bad" game. I pointed out his mistakes; or I gave him the silent treatment; the worst incident was me yelling because he scored 0 points in a game, even though he played his heart out. My toxic attitude during those years absolutely destroyed his confidence.
I stopped coaching him a couple of years ago, when i realized how my attitude was making him insecure and spiteful of me. He is 13 years old now. His confidence has improved in that time, although I still see the insecurity he has which is entirely my fault. I now focus on supporting him as much as I can. Sometimes I go back into 'that' mode, but once I recognize it I immediately check myself and apologize to him.
Jamie Your son sees your change and that will have a huge positive impact. Taking ownership and working to change- not easy! I admire your story. Thanks for sharing.
Bob Bigelow!
All kids should be sampling sports and having fun, falling in love with physical activities from a young age. Parents should be handed out pamphlets about youth sports and recommended to watch videos like this when their kids get to elementary school ahaha
I understand what he is saying, but if he is truthful, all of those elite players he has coached we the exact kids he was saying don’t become. Those soccer players that make it to elite levels, over 95% of them are playing club soccer year round. So while I understand that parents (including myself) need to get a good handle of the situation, to be competitive, you have to compete with the others you will be measured. It’s quite the paradox. I am dealing with it with my 10 year old this very moment and his BJJ training. It’s a fine and difficult line.
I think we start kids way too young in sports. My 6 year old was playing Tball this summer and one coach was playing 4 kids at the pitchers mound fielding basically making it impossible for any kid on our team to hit the ball by them. When I approached out coach and asked if that was okay he said, "It is what it is". This coach wasn't teaching his kids anything. He just wanted to win (a Tball game no less). My son even asked me why they had so many pitchers when his team only had one.
Sad.
SO TRUE MY DAD DOES THIS 2 ME
Competition is a good thing to have, but this focuses on the issue that there is too much pressure for youth to perform in their sport
2021 nothing has changed, it has only gotten worse.
❤
Cool
not cool
wow revelation!
no!
uau mega bjss da kemily play
fine
I accidentally said that to a couple of my boys I coach guess I did okay first day thank you :,)
if your here bc of PE go to 6:12 its the main idea of the video
He is using the logical fallacy called the "fallacy of affirming the consequent."
This fallacy occurs when someone assumes that if a statement is true (the antecedent), then the conclusion must also be true (the consequent). However, this assumption is not always correct, as there may be other factors that affect the relationship between the antecedent and the consequent.
For example, consider the following argument:
Premise 1: If it rains, the ground gets wet.
Premise 2: The ground is wet.
Conclusion: Therefore, it must have rained.
This is exactly why I quit piano lessons as a kid
however , kids need to be competitive because everyday life is competitive , from studies to getting a job . They need to learn this early in life , sooner the better .
6:12
This guy is great! I think he should have eaten an apple before going on stage though. The mouth noise is annoying.
Perhaps sports should not be made to be such a big deal. Not everyone has to find sports as fun as me or you so sometimes when a kid leaves sports we shouldnt see it as a failure of anyone. The fact 7 out of 10 leave organized sports may be okay. If you want it just fun, then dont have it in school where we say you represent your school and your name and you can get a scholarship and we lift up the athlete over the 5 star student or the student that works very hard to make a C or the student who has high moral character...all this pressure dries up fun for some. If you watch kids play on their own, you see the fun in their faces. The slogan about i love watching you play, but that should be true if the play does not have a coach or the game is not in the newspaper. The fact kids see theough that slogan because they know you could warch them on the playground or park or back yard or an intramural sport...but the facts....parents dont watch that and the kids see through that.
I hate and don't speak to my family because they forced me to play sports. Sports ruined my life
fart
ya
Great topic. I hope more parents and coaches take it to heart!