I’m guilty. Ignored the manipulation and Bizzare / intense confessions only to be put through the roller coaster of emotional abuse later on. Big lesson in ignorance.
I think a number one red flag for a relationship is when you realise you feel ashamed to tell your closest people about it. When you feel so shameful for being treated badly that you don't want anyone to know and you don't want anyone to tell you to leave. When you can't share the difficult parts of your relationship with your trusted people, something is off
Seriously. I’m so ashamed to tell my family the things my ex said to me after I defended him so much to them when they told me he seemed like a narcissist
@@marvin2678 Depends. For me it was the partner. Because i didn't want to worry my friends or have to explain why i stay in the relationship. My friends were awesome but the relationship was shit and made me feel ashamed
1. Different life stages 2. Shame - says I’m bad (guilt says I did something bad) 3. Baggage and Trauma - willing or not willing to do the work (not defending, not blaming; no abuse: verbal, physical, emotional, psychological, spiritual, financial, etc.) 4. Different values and goals 5. Communication
The hardest part about ignoring and excusing red flags when dating is having to admit your behavior was also a red flag. Some people are so quick to blame their partner for their hurt and dissapointment but we are equally to blame in some ways for settling. Before we even begin to consider dating we must first do the inner work. That alone can take year's to sort through and balance. More people need to see dating as an asset to our already balanced selves and not a "fixer" to our broken selves.
ive seen a video from a psychologist that is arguing this perspective. in short - you don't have to be perfect to be loved, people need love and connection even if they have mental issues, people are able to have nurturing relations even if they have mental issues, self-isolation can make mental issues worse.
As a domestic violence survivor who survived serious abuse, I wish I would listened to my gut about the red flags. It’s so critical to pay attention to the red flags.
@thenorthface4 I have not experienced domestic violence, but grew up enduring verbal, emotional & some physical abuse. Have not dated in a very long time. As I reflected on the dates I had even in high school, I noticed how I settled, putting up with people not making me a priority. I think I allowed this because my dad worked a lot and I always felt like I was bothering him, yet after his business was closed, he would sit in the back and have a few drinks with his brother while me and my siblings yearned for quality time with him...AND rightfully so. The message I got from a young age was you are not important enough to spend time with. Why would I expect more from a dating, potential husband relationship??!! It seems all of how we see and experience life has to do with how our parents/caretakers met our needs or did not meet our needs in those very tender, formative years. It seems I have been on this healing journey a long, long time. What red flags did you ignore? Can you see now why you ignored them?
Grooming, love bombing are ways to ensure a partner doesn’t leave; early environmental factors make you stay ‘cos it’s ‘comfortable’ or familiar. Don’t blame yourself for your DV’s behaviour or actions - that’s on them. Forgive yourself for the red flags you ignored - it ended, that’s where your focus should be, not take yourself down, again.
I was a foster kid (abused and gaslit in almost all of my homes). I found out after my adult abusive relationship that it was in part due to how I "recovered." I was so immersed in and focused on silver linings, optimistic, and not allowing my past to override my ability to connect with others that I never learned protective boundaries and behaviors. I ignored red flags bc I was told that I would have a tendency to see them where they didn't exist. I now wonder how many other men and women experienced this same issue.
Met a girl by happenstance. Chatted for 3 hours before we had to go our ways. 3 months later we were engaged. 9 months after that married. We had our 30th wedding anniversary in the palliative unit of the hospital. She died while I was holding her hand chatting 2 weeks later. That was 12 months and 2 days ago. There are no happy endings even if you find the right one. Either you experience the emotional pain and suffering of their death, or they of yours. Cest la vie.
I guess the emotional pain and suffering of their death or yours is the goal. It's how you can die in peace one day knowing that you were loved and you know how to love. Love yourself, good sir, for she loved you as well.
it’s maybe not just about the end it’s anout the process and enjoing to share so many years together with a wonderful soul who wants to experience life with us to on our side♥️ but yess nothing is for ever
I dodged a bullet with a person I was talking to for a while, they were the “I can’t count on anyone” “everyone fucks me over”chronically resigned on a life they considered mediocre but was like “eh, there’s nothing I can do”. Once I actually went on a date with them and saw that it was a pattern, I saw what a giant red flag it was and ended the contact. I felt soooo relieved
I’m not recommending this, but it did happen to me: my husband and I fell in love at first sight and we never questioned it because kindness and affection were our basic ways of treating each other and we were both serious artists and writers and honored that - our creativity. It said everything about ourselves. We sort of “claimed” each other in a very romantic way. We had a trust in each other that was almost supernatural. We melted into each other and at the same time were very independent and gave each other huge latitude. Because we were so “free” (except for sex -we were completely against any form of cheating.) we woke up happy every day for 25 years, and artistically flourished, even writing a book together called “Separately Together.” I lost my husband to a mountain climbing accident a few years ago, the worst thing that could have happened to me. That’s the terrible thing about a loving relationship: there are still no happy endings. 😢
I’m so so sorry. While also, thankful that you had 25 years. Many of us never come close to that long…there is always something that tears it apart b4 it can go anywhere. (Maybe it can be a blessing in disguise…too many of us settle, for many different reasons) You both loved and lived fiercely, and freely, and he would want you to continue to do so…in his honor; your journey has not ended, merely the road u were traveling, has suddenly come under construction-and a bridge to new paths are now to be paved. You most def should have had ur golden years together, but he is w u, as u step into whatever direction u choose 👣💞👣 🕊️🫶
hi! i have similar impression - im sorry that your partner has gone, but i am really glad to know people are able to have relationships like you had. i am curious about reading your book now! is this the right one? "Separately Together: The Key to Understanding Your Relationship"
Dating is really the interview process to see if someone is right for you, not the other way around. Yet, so many of us treat dating as a time where we are trying to impress the other person to get them to like us. That's dangerous. If you have to work so hard to get someone to like you, what's going to happen when you shed that and just be yourself? You definitely don't want a relationship built on that.
And in the younger set, dates are transactional, I buy you dinner you give me sex. If it was a tolerable event, let's see each other again. No opportunity for healthy discussion,or getting to know the other.
Jimmy, I appreciate the fact that these red flags that you're talking about are not only things that we have to look for in our partners, but also in ourselves. Accountability, self-reflection, and improving on our shortcomings to become the best version of ourselves are essential to building secure relationships.
I just got out of a very mentally abusive narcissistic related. My ex started giving me mixed signals and couldn't telle what he wants. He's inconsistent showing me affection and has been gas lighting a lot. He played like a victim while he verbally and mentally abused me. Cheated in the end. So I gave up and started thinking about myself
Its good that you are on your way.Keep in mind that the next stages of healing may come with thoughts and emotions,stages that you will finally begin to process.It is normal if this happens.Stay on course.❤
4:56 Reasons im single. People ask. And I've got trust issues around physical safety, and it's nearly impossible to have a relationship with that. I'd love to work through the trauma, but therapy is still actually expensive, so Im just muddling along with self help books and maybe I talk to someone with some experience a few times a year, but it's never the same person. I think several have heard the overview of my issues and were just like, "I can't even..."
I like that you mentioned "unresolved conflict" I'm a communicator and people always know what's up and where they stand with me but my husband wouldn't do anything that was healthy for our relationship so you can imagine 8 years of unresolved conflict." He wouldn't discuss my feelings or concerns I had with us and the way he treated me. He wouldn't explain his dirty actions he had done to me. The next day was a brand new day for him as if his 3 hour tantrum the night before was ok. No apology, no explanations, ever. That's someone who's missing something upstairs and lacks empathy and caring for others. He's definitely in a different reality. I'm glad we separated.
Seems like you describe my ex. But also my parents as well. It's traumaticing and in a way gaslighting when people are not capable to do emotional labour and ignore all of it as a way to protect themselves. It grows the emotional responses on the person who's emotional capable and at some point resentment as well. Emotional intimacy is not possible, not even available.
Wow, that was my weekend. I had gotten angry during part of it and said some things but nothing like what he said. I mostly said I wanted “out” and he took that as an affront that apparently angered him like “never before”. He even for the first time abused the kids over our fight. That was something I didnt expect
I’m what they call mentally ill because I have bi polar and anxiety and as I’ve gotten older and more confident I am huge communicator. Man I’ll let you know what’s going on. But if someone won’t take the time or consideration to hear you out or try to understand you or lacks empathy peace out. That’s what I did.
“Someone who HAS to escalate the fight because they can’t have a calm discussion.” I could tolerate the issues/flaws, but I couldn’t tolerate the fact that my ex was unable to talk about working on them. That’s what broke us.
“If you haven’t healed from those who hurt you, you will bleed on those who are trying to help you.” So very true. I have at least 8 friends, acquaintances, neighbours whose wives have initiated divorce proceedings in the last couple of years. Every single wife, or ex-wife, endured significant to horrific trauma and abuse as a child. I’m not blaming them; rather, I just want to highlight the devastating impact of unhealed trauma.
It’s true both my past partners told me of terrible trauma stories of their youth and I chose to ignore these as red flags instead be empathetic and thinking I could help them only to be dealt the psychological abuse / manipulation etc on a platter and in the end my mental health was what suffered. But I chose to ignore these confessions etc as red flags so you could say my ignorance came back to bite me.
@@tamarbatyah7They directly state "*I'm not blaming them*; I just want to highlight the devistating effect of unhealed trauma" so no, they are not blaming them
@speedgrump5515 That's called an APOPHASIS. Virtue signals he's not doing it when in fact he's doing it. He's blaming 8 women for divorce. Misogyny much?
Wow. I almost deleted this from my "watch later" list, thinking this is probably another video focusing on negative things, while I'm trying to find solutions. Boy was I wrong. Apart from being useful, this felt genuinely caring and honest. I felt this video was so encouraging and gave me confidence that better relationship dynamics are possible. Can't describe how well this hit home at right this point in my life. Thank you ❤
Great video, made me realize how not compatible me and the man I last dated were. He was not emotionally available nor ready for a mature relationship. No safety, no empathy, no vulnerability, poor communication, inconsistency... Yet we had amazing chemistry and times together, he has a lot of qualities and I was touched by his wounds, I miss him and us... But I understand it would never have been healthy or constructive for me. I need to know my worth better, and make choices accordingly. Time to move on. ❤️
Im glad you mentioned types of communication. Very often the default relationship advice is "communicate more" but it's not about communicating more, often the issue is communicating respectfully and effectively. There is no one right way, people communicate differently but there are abusive and toxic ways to communicate.
There are two things i believed are necessary for a relationship to flourish: 1. Listening, truly HEARING what your partner is saying. 2. Thoughtfulness. To think about the other person. What would make her /him happy or feel loved and appreciated. I read somewhere that there are 3 beings in a marriage: you, your partner and the marriage. They all need to be treated with love and respect treasured.❤
the more I listen to you the more I realize I did nothing wrong, and surprisingly (due to my past) did almost everything right. but as a woman I like very much once said to me; although everything that happens in a relationship is the fault of both, you cannot navigate a relationship alone.
Not everything. And don't try to split it 50/50. Treat each problem as separate case and take what you really responsibility is, if someone is a monster it is not your fault.
I just discovered your videos. Fantastic content! I was divorced 35 years ago. I did not understand at the time that I was in a 10 year marriage with a narcissist. A sad decade of my life.
Happiness is the fact that person is out of your life. Remember all the arguments over nothing? Remember the confrontations and accusations? Absence of all of that is pure bliss.
After coming out of a long bad relationship I feel that to find my authentic self and heal myself I need to be single. I can't grow as a person if I'm focused on someone else. I find that the relationships I'm in right now are friendships and that's a very good place to start with communication and boundaries and it allows me to take the time I need to myself.
Please learn move on with your life If your parents knew better they would have taught you better Do not hold on to bitterness Forgive your parents and live a better life
Yes, forgive. If you don't know how start asking God to show you. It will heal you and also will start to heal your relationship with your parents . None of us is here forever. Heal this side of eternity, lots of good comes with it, including great peace. 🙏🏻
I love watching videos like this. It makes me know my relationship is golden. After so many bad ones, its nice to know I finally got a good one. We both have our red flags, but we both are dedicated to fixing them and giving each other grace for when we occationally fall back.
This is probably the most mature, thoughtful and caring way to approach and interact with a partner/spouse that I have heard expressed in a long time! Congratulations to you for the beautiful analysis of how we interact with each other, listen to each other, empathize and care about each other for a deep and meaningful relationship. Communication is key.... but what is IN that communication? This is a conversation to bookmark and refer to for a deeper and better relationship with any partner. Well done!
Ultimate sales person status achieved- here- take all my money. That literally exposed my broken fragmented way of thinking and gave me a sense of responsibility.
Oh man, the lessons I've learned since finally getting out. 12 years of living with a man that was as controlling and abusive as you describe here, Jimmy. There were many double standards and ways HE expected to live. I'm still triggered listening. I left him with all kinds of autoimmune diseases from being ridiculed, berated, bullied, just not feeling loved at all. I got out and do not want another relationship with anymore abusers. I am worthy of good love, good communication with clear understanding.
I knew this, let men go after a few dates bc i knew where I was.. ran into a narcissist and told him all of my past experiences with letting ppl go bc of my goals being different. He falsely aligned them with mine. My intuition made me back out of the relationship 3 times in 1 years but I was always talked back in… do not disclose youre past negative experiences..keep talk positive bc if they can’t align with that, you will know asap. This man really played well and I lost almost 3 years of my life. Smh
@@brianmcdonald7017 in this day and age more are popping up. It’s just different forms of being selfish and self centered. Of course this is a big spectrum- a person can be a “little” or “a lot”. At times anyone and everyone does something selfishly! But a single or double selfish act doesn’t make them a full fledge N. It’s those who are totally “oblivious” of the problem and don’t see it that it becomes an issue. Someone who wants a relationship- but it’s one sided. Or a semi acquaintance (who’s not your boss)- who takes care of your life (without asking)… and plans things for you and expects you to do them. Yes-they are out there. Unfortunately- if you’ve been burned by the extreme and start studying on the subject you can pick up on it. It’s the entire person and a history of interaction that gives their true colors. But you find out the truth when you attempt to discuss issues and discuss their pattern of how they are treating you- some will call you rude for bringing it up-(even though they were rude to you.) Some will blow up emotionally and get defensive-you may not have wanted an argument over it…but you got one. Or give silent treatments instead of a discussion Instead of compromising- it’s their way 99 % of time. I had a single co worker I can remember before the age of 40 who was one type- but bearable. In the past 10 years I’ve run into 3-4, literally different kinds. But they teach me how to be more direct with the words “no thank you”. They taught me “wait to see how a person argues “ before you “think” you know who they are. And if someone has never been narcissistic-and suddenly starts acting that way-forgive them-maybe they will come back around because they’re just “going thru something”- I shouldn’t try to “fix” them, speak my peace in love and move on. And if you have a supervisor with it, you may find out quick you may want to get out asap or they will make your life hell, unless you like a challenge. I literally took on one with kindness… no BS- she kept trying to get reactions out of me- I refused to participate. I know your statement wasn’t a question, but at one point when I started running into so many.. .I did wonder if it was me. Was I the issue? To an extent yes- I thought others “wanted” the same general things in life and would treat others the same way-honesty being #1, in all the above none we’re honest to themselves or me, that’s when the conflict started. For them living a lie and faking it was priority-can’t mention failures-fears & insecurities and be real. But that’s ok- they taught me I just have to work on me to be the person I want to be.
This is exactly what i have been trying to get husband to understand. I am truly exhausted now. Begging him for so long, him dismissing me only created more problems and pushed me further away. Now, I feel nothing but resentment towards him.
That was my 22 year marriage. He refused to do any therapeutic work, refused to see that if we didn't spend quality time together we would grow apart. So, we grew apart. I found my own hobbies. Then we divorced and he said later he took it all for granted, and I said yup.
@@sharicoburn5475 That's so sad that some people have to lose what they had in order to appreciate it. Glad you did what you needed to do for yourself but sorry you went through that.
@@happynjoyousnfree thank you I also find it to be common in people who kind of peaked in high school or college, they don't ever really want to grow up after that. I feel bad for those people always living in the past.
Red Flags: •Minimize your values and primary relationships. •Easily angered when questioned or disagreed with. •Won’t let you meet their friends or their friends make you uneasy. •They put down your expression of faith. •Expects your money to float the relationship. • Emotional abuse is worse than physical. Both genders can be abusive.
- Controls who you are allowed to socialize with. - Has no friends of their own, or doesn't want you to meet them. - Can't tolerate any discussion of your previous relationships, but will talk about their own.
What do you mean "emotl abuse is worse than physical"? Sounds like you know nothing about it. There is no point in comparing, physical abuse ALWAYS has an emotional component, and the extremes of physical abuse can leave you crippled or dead!
1. Thank you. 2. The importance of this topic, well... if one grew up with boundaries not being respected, let alone taught what they are, the purpose and function boundaries serve, what you're doing here is a good, kind and wonderful thing. 🦋
I very much appreciate what you have said. You have throughout the video, described every long term relationship I have ever been in, and why they failed - including the most recent one. I think the most important thing to come out of watching this for me, is to re-evaluate the way that I approach a relationship. It's not actually about dating red flags for me, it's about maintaining an existing relationship once it is established. I don't have any trouble making friends. I am very privileged to have a lot of close friends helping me through a difficult time.
Please don’t ever stop doing these. They help me so much to understand him and not give up yet. I just need to figure out how to mention you to him so he will listen too.
You could always share the link by copy and pasting, then text that to his phone...or if you spend time together, play this video and say its important for you to share this with him.
I am a male cluster B: BPD, NPD, cPTSD and an anxiety disorder. I am open about the disorders and emotionally grown, not abusive, no gaslighting, no belittling, self aware and reflecting (years of therapy). I just want to comment on point 3: The biggest red flag 1 for me is: not being able to have the tough talks and not being able to owning up to their mistakes and with that not being able to apologize. I once (I don't meet the diagnostic criteria anymore) would have qualified as a pwNPD and I am capable of doing the work, which means if the will is there, almost anyone can do the work. But someone not willing to do whatever work is required in him- or herself should be a no-go. Jimmy is absolutely correct on this!
Thank you for doing this work. Making society better in one person part is still making society better. And if we count people who will not be damaged by you it looks awesome. 😊
Accountability is a huge thing. I can't stress that enough. I've learned years ago that I need to hold myself accountable and I wish everyone past the age of 30 would already know and have mastered this.
That's good that you are doing the work by healing yourself. You should be proud. I am female: I am codependent, and have avoidance attachment style. I am also doing work and healing. Been in therapy for over a year and will continue getting help for myself. It was hard at first because it does require a lot of accountability for the things I can control in my life. I also have to keep in mind I can't control someone's emotions, their words and actions. It's a journey, but I'm worth being well.
@@abbyxiong3931 Awesome that you are doing the work. I have an anxious attachment style and due to the BPD am on the codependant side of narcissism. But I am becoming more safe attached and less codependant. I would date cluster Bs in the future, if they are willing to work on themselves. Growth makes people incredibly brautiful.
I love all your videos. I'm so glad I came across you. More people need to watch these, relationship or not these would just make better people in general.
I absolutely love your Channel. As someone who is noticing tons of narcissistic traits in my behavior, your approach with empathy just truly make me feel seen and want to do better to change my unhealthy ways to feel possibly subconsciously in control of XYZ situation when in reality I'm just tearing myself and the people that I care about apart. I am grateful for you, your approach and your Channel. Keep up the good work. 😊
I think most of it comes from some traumatic experience in people I had seen. People learn to deal with their problems by using other people and because this problem are huge and very painful it is no matter what price on the other side to pay. I feel sorry for whatever reasons you have and want to say thank you for trying. Even if you fail in something it is still matter.
Thank you so much for this and many other videos. I am recently divorced from a deeply traumetized, emotionally abusive and neglectful spouse and so many of these red flags were present early on. I realize I never actually learned how to be in a healthy relationship or date in a healthy way before! Better late than never!😅 Your work is really supportive along my healing journey🙏🧡
This is really good!!! I don’t think I’ve really seen many people focus on BOTH YOU and your partner. This is really healing for me. I grew up with a covert narcissistic parent, then moved out with another narcissistic friend, which I didn’t know until 8 years later, ending just this past March. I have a BA in psychology, but hearing this in context is really good for me. This is so healthy!! Thank you, Jimmy!
I can see my own faults in how my marriage isn't what I want it to be. I bring up an issue when I'm angry about it and when my husband is "blindsided" by it he makes a joke out of it trying to minimize my anger which only makes me angrier and get defensive then he shuts down and says nothing. 😐 it's been a long 12 years.
Jimmy states very clearly THE ONLY RELIABLE ANSWER to finding good relationships!! He states this I. The first 5 minutes of this video. Re-claim your power instead of commiserating!! Enjoy the ride! “What doesn’t challenge you doesn’t change you.” Enjoy creating a new way of living in relationships. It feels totally AWESOME!! Namaste 🙏
I would like to say that calling it red flags and avoiding any “unnecessary stress” you ban people from growing. I was most of you described and my partner had some of those red flags but we decided (separately) that we will overcome it. The main thing was to stay together and today after 15 years together. Almost 24/7 together we changed A LOT for each other and with the help of each other. If there was no HIM I would never heal. And if there were no me he would never grow. We changed our lives because of love.
That's a pretty silly take. OP said they had some red flags which they didn't ignore and worked on and had a successful relationship as a result. How is that a red flag?
He wasn't saying that having any of that was necessarily the red flag, the red flag was their unwillingness to work on it, take responsibility for the way they handle things and then actively work on changing those things to be better for themselves and their partner. Yes they will make mistakes along the way but are they still truly trying, do you see growth in them and a genuine desire to fix it when they do mess up? If so, then thats not a red flag. Red flags are only when the issues are coupled with zero self awareness or desire to actually do the work. That's when you walk away bc you deserve better.
This reads like a manual on healthy relationships. Concise, to the point, and compassionately delivered. Saving this video to watch once a month as these are all things I want to keep remembering.
Thank you for this. Didn't have a relationship for almost 14 years (cause i still couldn't work out my self worth/self love issues yet) but this sounds spot-on to me, bookmarked for (hopefully) future reference
Thank you so much. I really needed to hear all of that to recognize the habits that have formed in order to make things healthier for myself and my relationship.
I find more value in your videos than with any counsellor/ therapist. I appreciate you and your selfless act of helping others by making these videos. My daughter is in a new relationship and is still young. I recommended your channel to her.
I would really like to see you do a video on religious abuse, manipulation, and control using religion. Also I was very badly abused growing up enduring every type of abuse, and my husband helped me get out which I will forever be eternally grateful for but when I met him I was only 15 (with a huge age gap) and I went from being home in my abuse to shelters after I was hurt to bad to continue staying home. And as soon as I turned 18 was married and I'm only just now at 29 getting to know who I am and heal from my past I feel upset at times that I didn't have the opportunity to know or practice any of this before marriage..your videos have helped a lot thank you.
@@JimmyonRelationshipsyes! Some of us have experienced this but told its not and it caused me issues. 1-submission to his authority over my spiritual life and beliefs. All had to told and he said he has to screen them. NO! Put my foot down. 2- I do whatever he says when he’s angry or i am not submitting. 3- Churches think we have to stay and submit/ bow our rights in order to “win back” our hubby cuz emotional/spiritual abuse and sexual addictions are not leave-able excuses. You endure that until its real cheating and real physical abuse. Even then, try to reconcile and not divorce. Be careful with separation. God hares that. You sin if you are the initiator. Those are your outs. You are trapped. Dont get remarried or its adultery even if your kids need a father. From hubby and churches I have been to. 4- you are wrong for wanting to get out. That is NEVER what God wants. You have to endure with God and learn what He wants you to learn in this regardless of how toxic or broken you feel- even if you or kids are on the verge of mental breakdowns.
This is your best one yet! Good job! You have great skill in taking these concepts, explaining in regular speech, and offering simple practical ways to commit to them in relationships. It gives me much hope! Thank you Jimmy!
#3 Trauma and Baggage ruined my last 1,5y long relationship. I was aware and I believed he wanted to do the work, but sadly I was mistaken. It broke my heart because I was so ready to support him through it and thought he was my person, accepting all the good and the bad. But everything shifted in just a couple months and in the end it was easier to blame it all on me, rahter than taking any accountability at all and noticing that the poor communication appeared as a result of fear of conflict, while I remained consistent in my efforts to openly communicate, just increasingly anxious when observing all the changes and distance.
It’s really important to ask the important questions before you really dive in. I also suggest before you decide to get married, do couples counseling for about 6 months. A professional can really help both of you before you take that leap. IT’S WORTH IT! Ty for this video 🙏🏻
Emotionally immature people have an external locus of control. They don't take accountability of their failures, instead they blame it on other people and circumstances.
19:40 I find this section fascinating because I have had someone come to me to tell me how I made them feel, we had a thoughtful discussion, but unfortunately it didn’t change the dynamic of the relationship. Sometimes when you continue to have conflicts with another person you need to listen to your intuition and what the universe is trying to tell you. Sometimes someone is meant to leave your life because the relationship is no longer mutually beneficial.
So good, I need to watch again and take notes . Should have found these things 20, 30 years ago but never too late to learn, thank you!❤ You have such a warm, compassionate voice that makes you really easy to listen to and watch
Wow - awesome !!!! Such a lot of incredibly valuable information!! Yes I tried but my (ex)husband didn’t want to. Went to the counsellor with me and said if you can just fix her everything will be ok!! 12 years on I’m training to be a counsellor! 🧡 your work!
What i discovered. This honesty and talk about yourself and what is important to you and so on, is opening a door to people who will misuse this information. Never be an open book to soon. Listen to your gut. Many people today will be everything you need and when they 'got you' they change. Your open talk was for them a path to make it easer to be what you seek. Narcissists, psychopaths, sociopaths use this to their advantage and pretend to be all that!
what you did was not shameful; it was brave, courageous and healthy! take care of yourself first and rid self of the toxicity in this world! nothing wrong with that!
I think this was the best relationship advice on the internet as we speak. It’s basically a summary of everything that is important for a relationship to work!❤❤❤ I am SO grateful I ran into your channel! I will watch as many videos as possible! Your insight and the information you present is a real treasure! God bless you!🎉
This honestly makes me feel hopeless. This is too much work. I’m a broken person with too many faults and flaws to even begin tackling in the time I have left to find a life partner. My chance is gone because I was already broken at the starting line. It breaks my heart. Best of luck to you all.
Long comment but I needed to vent. I'm so glad I stumbled across your video. I had a bit of a fallout with a colleague I was friendly with (teasing and knocking around), and I felt really upset when a small disagreement escalated. I apologized for hurting him more than I wanted in retaliation (I was telling him I don't like violence and he flicked my arm on purpose, then got upset when I hit it harder) and acknowledged my responsibility in the conflict but he refused to even let me talk, to listen to me or even acknowledge his part of responsibility. Even worse he kept flicking me saying that it doesn't hurt even though I wasn't upset about the potential pain but the actual flicking. Ironically the fallout was the exact reason I don't want people to even flick me in the first place. Because someone will get hurt at some point and we'll fight about it. Anyway I feel very validated in my feelings watching your video and feel gradually better about maintaining a cordial relationship with that colleague. All of this to say those red flags also apply for friendships and workplace environment.
I wish, I wish, I wish someone would have told me this a long time ago. Not a family member, not a friend told me any of this. I've been carrying so much crap for so long and blamed myself for all of it and yes, it has destroyed not only myself but people whom I did care about. so, to say not a stranger on the internet yet you still care about me, move mountains for me. So, for that, I say THANK YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!
Thank you and God bless you for your amazing videos and for the incredible service to the health of our relationships and peace of mind. Absolutely everything you said resonates. I've tried so many strategies with my beau of 10 months, but will now sadly have to walk away from. I will eventually heal and pray he will at least try to heal his childhood wounds. Once again, thanks and God bless you lovely human. 🌸🙏🏽🌿
I wish this video were available about a year ago. I cannot underestimate the importance of the first point-life stage differences. I dated 2 retired men, 1 after thr other-the second being a Narcissist through and through. I average between 48-60 hrs od work weekly on night shift. The gap in being stressed and exhausted from work colliding with someone who has ample amounts of spare time to criticize, control, ans steam roll over your needs for rest, chores, family etc is something I will never accept into my life again. If you and a potential partner arent even remotely on the same life stage its never going ro work.
"That stranger really cares about you" and I appreciate it a lot!! You are a great youtuber and I am happy that I have the chance to listen to your wisdom about relationships. Makes me feel much better. And many things you say not only are useful in couple relationships but in life in general. So, thanks a lot, I´ll keep listening to your wise advises, greetings from Uruguay :)
Honestly I didn’t know how I felt about pornography. I felt like he did it because we were not having sex. But still used it after we got married- that’s when I realized how I felt about it. Definitely felt like cheating after sending videos and pictures for that resolve that only led to my own destruction of devastation. This is great advice thank you ❤
I love your intention, I love everything I've seen on your channel and I love the awareness you bring to the whole community. It gives me so much hope after experiencing so much pain and that hope feels tangible in the form of empowerment through awareness and legit skills. maaaad appreciation for you
I wonder why so many people promote work, achievements, professional results and not inner work, reflection time, deep and tough conversations? They truly lead to the knowledge and wisdom he is referring to, needed in relationships.
Your videos saved my life. Thank you for sharing. It identified my partner as they were. I recommend everyone never settle and remember how hard the ending can be before settling for a sub par beginning out of fear of being alone.
He had me at "disconnection"!!! I hear the word "disconnect" way too much these days. 😂 Awesome video!👏👏👏👏Priorities are also as important as values. They determine what we are willing to sacrifice over something else. 😢
This is so very helpful thank you. I’m pulling out of my 31 yr abusi ce relationship. I didn’t see the red flags then bc I was invalidated constantly in my family’s house. I’m make a plan now to get out bc I’m done!
Im still working on healing from having to leave a relationship where the other person was extremely self destructive. It didnt matter how much we cared about eachother. I was collateral damage to their decisions, and it brought out my worst tendencies. Now I am a lot more conscientious about who i let into my life and how i handle conflict with those people.
I just wanted to say thank you so much, you are the only video that I've watched that I've not gone into a anxiety attack, but you explain in such detail and beautiful kind manner, which is so helpful to someone like myself, I've experienced everything you've mentioned, l still have self doubt, but it's a work in progress. I'm so grateful to you, thank you.❤
What a great timing to watch this This is great, it helps me reflect on myself on my relationship & have better understanding of my partner's wants & needs.
A wrench in the relationship is giving your partner the silent treatment 2 days after their Dads funeral, refusing to speak to them to resolve any misunderstanding. Placing the emotional responsibility on that on someone dealing with a sudden unexpected loss. Then telling them they are muted and that the need to reflect on and then when you say don't do this right now my Dad just passed tell them don't bring your Dad into this. This is me at 8pm tonight and it is now 3am still no word and I am feeling gutted by my partner.
I simple try to replace past with this nice caring voice and beautiful approach in my head. Jimmy, you doing great job by being an example of a human, showing this is possible and that people exist. I wish to learn this language as I learned english or java so it became native for me and i treat your videos like this: listen as often as possible to learn it by hart. Don't apologize for long videos, I need hours of this to rewire my speaking and thinking habits . Love you ❤ Wish you the best in life.
Red flags aren’t necessarily meaning to run away. It’s a sign to investigate and check in with yourself in what your non negotiables and dealbreakers are. To check in with your guy and your body. Ask questions and spend a day or so alone to hear your own voice on the matter
I was changing myself for this person and losing myself. I was wounded. This is likely the reason that I tolerated the relationship for longer than i should have and I take full responsibility for that. But I overlooked or rationalized it when he called my decisions into question , spoke down to me, belittled me, accused me of entertaining other men, ignored my feelings, etc. And I began to feel so weak, small and insecure that I opened up to him less and less. He called me negative and pretty much blamed me for our issues. Because of my own unhealthiness, I was prepared to continue to change myself so I could be what he wanted. He ended it before that happened and I know it was the best thing that could have happened to me.
Sometimes you can overlook red flags because the other person has a unique quality that you are really attracted to. It’s not always looks either. I dreamed of having a girlfriend who was as good of a musician as I was that I could create with. Me and my ex wife were in a band together and her musical talent made me overlook every other negative and incompatible quality.
Thank you so much for this Jimmy....ive been rackimg my braim trying to figure out what it is that i dont like about the new guy I'm seeing. He is very attentive, likes to talk about interesting things, and respects my boundaries. But...he does show se of these red flags that i cant ignore. Especially how he talks/feels about himself. He is also an admitted people pleaser, which cam be unintentionally manipulative at times. He wants to advance the relationship quickly, which i dont feel comfortable with. Youve given me a lot to reflect on....
Your examples of neglect in your avoidant or narcissist video and going through examples helped me more than years of therapy. I never knew how avoidance can work in other scenarios without fights and how it impacts intimacy. How it works both ways. I love your examples. Therapists dont really go there at all. Ah ha moment
![Seungmin "그렇게, 천천히, 우리(As we are)" | [Stray Kids : SKZ-PLAYER]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/kAzmhLHePqU/mqdefault.jpg)
The red flags you ignore in the beginning become the reasons you leave in the end
So true
💯👌🏽
I’m guilty. Ignored the manipulation and Bizzare / intense confessions only to be put through the roller coaster of emotional abuse later on. Big lesson in ignorance.
So true
Yes, BUT for the LOVE BOMBING. You will NEVER experience THAT again.
I think a number one red flag for a relationship is when you realise you feel ashamed to tell your closest people about it. When you feel so shameful for being treated badly that you don't want anyone to know and you don't want anyone to tell you to leave. When you can't share the difficult parts of your relationship with your trusted people, something is off
Seriously. I’m so ashamed to tell my family the things my ex said to me after I defended him so much to them when they told me he seemed like a narcissist
Sometimes though, you just have shitty "friends" so that's a different story
So so true.
but thats the problem of the realtionship with your friends not partner
@@marvin2678 Depends. For me it was the partner. Because i didn't want to worry my friends or have to explain why i stay in the relationship. My friends were awesome but the relationship was shit and made me feel ashamed
1. Different life stages
2. Shame - says I’m bad (guilt says I did something bad)
3. Baggage and Trauma - willing or not willing to do the work (not defending, not blaming; no abuse: verbal, physical, emotional, psychological, spiritual, financial, etc.)
4. Different values and goals
5. Communication
Thank you
I thought there were 5 😂
5. Communication.
@ChrystalSa...
What are you talking about?
@@lorraineharvey3200
For what
The hardest part about ignoring and excusing red flags when dating is having to admit your behavior was also a red flag. Some people are so quick to blame their partner for their hurt and dissapointment but we are equally to blame in some ways for settling. Before we even begin to consider dating we must first do the inner work. That alone can take year's to sort through and balance. More people need to see dating as an asset to our already balanced selves and not a "fixer" to our broken selves.
Totally agree very wise and introspective of you!
so true
💯
I blame myself more. I seen all red flags, but I let people get in my head.
ive seen a video from a psychologist that is arguing this perspective.
in short - you don't have to be perfect to be loved, people need love and connection even if they have mental issues, people are able to have nurturing relations even if they have mental issues, self-isolation can make mental issues worse.
As a domestic violence survivor who survived serious abuse, I wish I would listened to my gut about the red flags. It’s so critical to pay attention to the red flags.
@thenorthface4
I have not experienced domestic violence, but grew up enduring verbal, emotional & some physical abuse.
Have not dated in a very long time. As I reflected on the dates I had even in high school, I noticed how I settled, putting up with people not making me a priority. I think I allowed this because my dad worked a lot and I always felt like I was bothering him, yet after his business was closed, he would sit in the back and have a few drinks with his brother while me and my siblings yearned for quality time with him...AND rightfully so. The message I got from a young age was you are not important enough to spend time with. Why would I expect more from a dating, potential husband relationship??!! It seems all of how we see and experience life has to do with how our parents/caretakers met our needs or did not meet our needs in those very tender, formative years.
It seems I have been on this healing journey a long, long time.
What red flags did you ignore? Can you see now why you ignored them?
Absolutely
I can totally relate to that
Grooming, love bombing are ways to ensure a partner doesn’t leave; early environmental factors make you stay ‘cos it’s ‘comfortable’ or familiar.
Don’t blame yourself for your DV’s behaviour or actions - that’s on them. Forgive yourself for the red flags you ignored - it ended, that’s where your focus should be, not take yourself down, again.
I was a foster kid (abused and gaslit in almost all of my homes). I found out after my adult abusive relationship that it was in part due to how I "recovered." I was so immersed in and focused on silver linings, optimistic, and not allowing my past to override my ability to connect with others that I never learned protective boundaries and behaviors. I ignored red flags bc I was told that I would have a tendency to see them where they didn't exist. I now wonder how many other men and women experienced this same issue.
Met a girl by happenstance. Chatted for 3 hours before we had to go our ways. 3 months later we were engaged. 9 months after that married. We had our 30th wedding anniversary in the palliative unit of the hospital. She died while I was holding her hand chatting 2 weeks later. That was 12 months and 2 days ago. There are no happy endings even if you find the right one. Either you experience the emotional pain and suffering of their death, or they of yours. Cest la vie.
So sorry to hear about your loss.
I guess the emotional pain and suffering of their death or yours is the goal. It's how you can die in peace one day knowing that you were loved and you know how to love. Love yourself, good sir, for she loved you as well.
❤
An elder story with a childish philosophy. What is this?
it’s maybe not just about the end it’s anout the process
and enjoing to share so many years together with a wonderful soul who wants to experience life with us to on our side♥️ but yess nothing is for ever
I dodged a bullet with a person I was talking to for a while, they were the “I can’t count on anyone” “everyone fucks me over”chronically resigned on a life they considered mediocre but was like “eh, there’s nothing I can do”. Once I actually went on a date with them and saw that it was a pattern, I saw what a giant red flag it was and ended the contact. I felt soooo relieved
The covert narcissist
@@sharicoburn5475not necessarily. Trauma can do that to you.
@@sharicoburn5475 spot on, it's a covert narc
I’m not recommending this, but it did happen to me: my husband and I fell in love at first sight and we never questioned it because kindness and affection were our basic ways of treating each other and we were both serious artists and writers and honored that - our creativity. It said everything about ourselves. We sort of “claimed” each other in a very romantic way. We had a trust in each other that was almost supernatural. We melted into each other and at the same time were very independent and gave each other huge latitude. Because we were so “free” (except for sex -we were completely against any form of cheating.) we woke up happy every day for 25 years, and artistically flourished, even writing a book together called “Separately Together.” I lost my husband to a mountain climbing accident a few years ago, the worst thing that could have happened to me. That’s the terrible thing about a loving relationship: there are still no happy endings. 😢
I’m so so sorry.
While also, thankful that you had 25 years.
Many of us never come close to that long…there is always something that tears it apart b4 it can go anywhere. (Maybe it can be a blessing in disguise…too many of us settle, for many different reasons)
You both loved and lived fiercely, and freely, and he would want you to continue to do so…in his honor; your journey has not ended, merely the road u were traveling, has suddenly come under construction-and a bridge to new paths are now to be paved.
You most def should have had ur golden years together, but he is w u, as u step into whatever direction u choose 👣💞👣
🕊️🫶
I am so sorry you had to go through that. May you find peace in life.
❤ so sorry ! Hope to read ur bk , sounds like an amazing life!!!
hi! i have similar impression - im sorry that your partner has gone, but i am really glad to know people are able to have relationships like you had.
i am curious about reading your book now! is this the right one? "Separately Together: The Key to Understanding Your Relationship"
I'm so sorry for your lost. I can imagine the giant love that he left in you. I send you a virtual hug. Thanks for sharing that with us
Dating is really the interview process to see if someone is right for you, not the other way around. Yet, so many of us treat dating as a time where we are trying to impress the other person to get them to like us. That's dangerous. If you have to work so hard to get someone to like you, what's going to happen when you shed that and just be yourself? You definitely don't want a relationship built on that.
I wish more people understood this.
And in the younger set, dates are transactional, I buy you dinner you give me sex. If it was a tolerable event, let's see each other again. No opportunity for healthy discussion,or getting to know the other.
You're right...but OTOH it's called mating season for a reason.
Jimmy, I appreciate the fact that these red flags that you're talking about are not only things that we have to look for in our partners, but also in ourselves. Accountability, self-reflection, and improving on our shortcomings to become the best version of ourselves are essential to building secure relationships.
Jimmy. So much truth in this thank you I love how you share both sides. Possible defense thoughts. Explaining our triggers. So right on. Thank yiu
Just left a toxic relationship a few days ago...he was forcing me to break up
Now I am glad it's over
I value myself ❤
I just went through the same thing. I just saw my relationship played out as the flags were revealed.
I just got out of a very mentally abusive narcissistic related. My ex started giving me mixed signals and couldn't telle what he wants. He's inconsistent showing me affection and has been gas lighting a lot. He played like a victim while he verbally and mentally abused me. Cheated in the end. So I gave up and started thinking about myself
Dump him
Its good that you are on your way.Keep in mind that the next stages of healing may come with thoughts and emotions,stages that you will finally begin to process.It is normal if this happens.Stay on course.❤
“Our childhood was a classroom, you were learning things whether you wanted to or not”
Brilliant.
Very good video
Yes !!! Just brilliant ! I agree...
4:56 Reasons im single. People ask. And I've got trust issues around physical safety, and it's nearly impossible to have a relationship with that. I'd love to work through the trauma, but therapy is still actually expensive, so Im just muddling along with self help books and maybe I talk to someone with some experience a few times a year, but it's never the same person. I think several have heard the overview of my issues and were just like, "I can't even..."
I like that you mentioned "unresolved conflict" I'm a communicator and people always know what's up and where they stand with me but my husband wouldn't do anything that was healthy for our relationship so you can imagine 8 years of unresolved conflict." He wouldn't discuss my feelings or concerns I had with us and the way he treated me. He wouldn't explain his dirty actions he had done to me. The next day was a brand new day for him as if his 3 hour tantrum the night before was ok. No apology, no explanations, ever. That's someone who's missing something upstairs and lacks empathy and caring for others. He's definitely in a different reality. I'm glad we separated.
I feel you on that🫂
He sounds like he has ASD aka Asperger syndrome.
Seems like you describe my ex. But also my parents as well. It's traumaticing and in a way gaslighting when people are not capable to do emotional labour and ignore all of it as a way to protect themselves. It grows the emotional responses on the person who's emotional capable and at some point resentment as well. Emotional intimacy is not possible, not even available.
Wow, that was my weekend.
I had gotten angry during part of it and said some things but nothing like what he said. I mostly said I wanted “out” and he took that as an affront that apparently angered him like “never before”.
He even for the first time abused the kids over our fight. That was something I didnt expect
I’m what they call mentally ill because I have bi polar and anxiety and as I’ve gotten older and more confident I am huge communicator. Man I’ll let you know what’s going on. But if someone won’t take the time or consideration to hear you out or try to understand you or lacks empathy peace out. That’s what I did.
“Someone who HAS to escalate the fight because they can’t have a calm discussion.”
I could tolerate the issues/flaws, but I couldn’t tolerate the fact that my ex was unable to talk about working on them. That’s what broke us.
Bingo
💯
That’s my brother with his wife right now. I tell him she’s going to grow tired of him!! My mom also tells him to talk like adults
“If you haven’t healed from those who hurt you, you will bleed on those who are trying to help you.” So very true. I have at least 8 friends, acquaintances, neighbours whose wives have initiated divorce proceedings in the last couple of years. Every single wife, or ex-wife, endured significant to horrific trauma and abuse as a child. I’m not blaming them; rather, I just want to highlight the devastating impact of unhealed trauma.
It’s true both my past partners told me of terrible trauma stories of their youth and I chose to ignore these as red flags instead be empathetic and thinking I could help them only to be dealt the psychological abuse / manipulation etc on a platter and in the end my mental health was what suffered. But I chose to ignore these confessions etc as red flags so you could say my ignorance came back to bite me.
So you're blaming all 8 women for serving those men a divorce?
@@tamarbatyah7They directly state "*I'm not blaming them*; I just want to highlight the devistating effect of unhealed trauma" so no, they are not blaming them
Absolutely
@speedgrump5515 That's called an APOPHASIS. Virtue signals he's not doing it when in fact he's doing it. He's blaming 8 women for divorce. Misogyny much?
"Not everyone is for you, but you want have to beg the right person to care about what you need to feel safe, valued, and loved" ❤
Wow. I almost deleted this from my "watch later" list, thinking this is probably another video focusing on negative things, while I'm trying to find solutions. Boy was I wrong. Apart from being useful, this felt genuinely caring and honest. I felt this video was so encouraging and gave me confidence that better relationship dynamics are possible. Can't describe how well this hit home at right this point in my life. Thank you ❤
Great video, made me realize how not compatible me and the man I last dated were.
He was not emotionally available nor ready for a mature relationship. No safety, no empathy, no vulnerability, poor communication, inconsistency... Yet we had amazing chemistry and times together, he has a lot of qualities and I was touched by his wounds, I miss him and us... But I understand it would never have been healthy or constructive for me.
I need to know my worth better, and make choices accordingly.
Time to move on. ❤️
I'm getting more from this channel than I did from a therapist who I was seeing in person regularly. Thank you.
Im glad you mentioned types of communication. Very often the default relationship advice is "communicate more" but it's not about communicating more, often the issue is communicating respectfully and effectively. There is no one right way, people communicate differently but there are abusive and toxic ways to communicate.
There are two things i believed are necessary for a relationship to flourish: 1. Listening, truly HEARING what your partner is saying. 2. Thoughtfulness. To think about the other person. What would make her /him happy or feel loved and appreciated. I read somewhere that there are 3 beings in a marriage: you, your partner and the marriage. They all need to be treated with love and respect treasured.❤
the more I listen to you the more I realize I did nothing wrong, and surprisingly (due to my past) did almost everything right. but as a woman I like very much once said to me; although everything that happens in a relationship is the fault of both, you cannot navigate a relationship alone.
Not everything.
And don't try to split it 50/50.
Treat each problem as separate case and take what you really responsibility is, if someone is a monster it is not your fault.
I just discovered your videos. Fantastic content! I was divorced 35 years ago. I did not understand at the time that I was in a 10 year marriage with a narcissist. A sad decade of my life.
Happiness is the fact that person is out of your life. Remember all the arguments over nothing? Remember the confrontations and accusations? Absence of all of that is pure bliss.
After coming out of a long bad relationship I feel that to find my authentic self and heal myself I need to be single. I can't grow as a person if I'm focused on someone else. I find that the relationships I'm in right now are friendships and that's a very good place to start with communication and boundaries and it allows me to take the time I need to myself.
I'm dealing with anger towards my parents for _not teaching me these things._
I was served up on a platter for my abusive ex. 😢
I’m so so sorry. You didn’t deserve any of that!!
Please learn move on with your life
If your parents knew better they would have taught you better
Do not hold on to bitterness
Forgive your parents and live a better life
Same with me, many times, but it's hard for me to not blame myself - because I have control and could've done better
Yes, forgive. If you don't know how start asking God to show you. It will heal you and also will start to heal your relationship with your parents . None of us is here forever. Heal this side of eternity, lots of good comes with it, including great peace. 🙏🏻
Sending you so much love, light and healing. Take care dear 💕💕.
I love watching videos like this. It makes me know my relationship is golden. After so many bad ones, its nice to know I finally got a good one. We both have our red flags, but we both are dedicated to fixing them and giving each other grace for when we occationally fall back.
This is probably the most mature, thoughtful and caring way to approach and interact with a partner/spouse that I have heard expressed in a long time! Congratulations to you for the beautiful analysis of how we interact with each other, listen to each other, empathize and care about each other for a deep and meaningful relationship. Communication is key.... but what is IN that communication? This is a conversation to bookmark and refer to for a deeper and better relationship with any partner. Well done!
Excellent life lesson, Jimmy. 0% waffle. 100% truth.
Ultimate sales person status achieved- here- take all my money. That literally exposed my broken fragmented way of thinking and gave me a sense of responsibility.
Oh man, the lessons I've learned since finally getting out. 12 years of living with a man that was as controlling and abusive as you describe here, Jimmy. There were many double standards and ways HE expected to live. I'm still triggered listening. I left him with all kinds of autoimmune diseases from being ridiculed, berated, bullied, just not feeling loved at all. I got out and do not want another relationship with anymore abusers. I am worthy of good love, good communication with clear understanding.
I knew this, let men go after a few dates bc i knew where I was.. ran into a narcissist and told him all of my past experiences with letting ppl go bc of my goals being different. He falsely aligned them with mine. My intuition made me back out of the relationship 3 times in 1 years but I was always talked back in… do not disclose youre past negative experiences..keep talk positive bc if they can’t align with that, you will know asap. This man really played well and I lost almost 3 years of my life. Smh
Yes! But now your smarter than what you were…those 3 years could end up being the best 3 years of learning! Cause now you KNOW!
For how long did he pretend ? 6 months less or more?
Yeah, I would like to know more about mapping that the narcissist do..
When everyone is a narcissist, no one is a narcissist
@@brianmcdonald7017
in this day and age more are popping up. It’s just different forms of being selfish and self centered.
Of course this is a big spectrum- a person can be a “little” or “a lot”.
At times anyone and everyone does something selfishly!
But a single or double selfish act doesn’t make them a full fledge N.
It’s those who are totally “oblivious” of the problem and don’t see it that it becomes an issue.
Someone who wants a relationship- but it’s one sided.
Or a semi acquaintance (who’s not your boss)- who takes care of your life (without asking)… and plans things for you and expects you to do them. Yes-they are out there.
Unfortunately- if you’ve been burned by the extreme and start studying on the subject you can pick up on it.
It’s the entire person and a history of interaction that gives their true colors. But you find out the truth when you attempt to discuss issues and discuss their pattern of how they are treating you- some will call you rude for bringing it up-(even though they were rude to you.)
Some will blow up emotionally and get defensive-you may not have wanted an argument over it…but you got one.
Or give silent treatments instead of a discussion
Instead of compromising- it’s their way 99 % of time.
I had a single co worker I can remember before the age of 40 who was one type- but bearable.
In the past 10 years I’ve run into 3-4, literally different kinds. But they teach me how to be more direct with the words “no thank you”.
They taught me “wait to see how a person argues “ before you “think” you know who they are.
And if someone has never been narcissistic-and suddenly starts acting that way-forgive them-maybe they will come back around because they’re just “going thru something”- I shouldn’t try to “fix” them, speak my peace in love and move on.
And if you have a supervisor with it, you may find out quick you may want to get out asap or they will make your life hell, unless you like a challenge. I literally took on one with kindness… no BS- she kept trying to get reactions out of me- I refused to participate.
I know your statement wasn’t a question, but at one point when I started running into so many.. .I did wonder if it was me. Was I the issue?
To an extent yes- I thought others “wanted” the same general things in life and would treat others the same way-honesty being #1, in all the above none we’re honest to themselves or me, that’s when the conflict started. For them living a lie and faking it was priority-can’t mention failures-fears & insecurities and be real.
But that’s ok- they taught me
I just have to work on me to be the person I want to be.
This is exactly what i have been trying to get husband to understand. I am truly exhausted now. Begging him for so long, him dismissing me only created more problems and pushed me further away. Now, I feel nothing but resentment towards him.
dont waste your life. find a way to leave. take the leap
The fear of how you will feel is far worse than how you will feel if you leave. Been there so many times. You deserve to be loved the way you deserve❤
That was my 22 year marriage. He refused to do any therapeutic work, refused to see that if we didn't spend quality time together we would grow apart. So, we grew apart. I found my own hobbies. Then we divorced and he said later he took it all for granted, and I said yup.
@@sharicoburn5475 That's so sad that some people have to lose what they had in order to appreciate it. Glad you did what you needed to do for yourself but sorry you went through that.
@@happynjoyousnfree thank you I also find it to be common in people who kind of peaked in high school or college, they don't ever really want to grow up after that.
I feel bad for those people always living in the past.
11:19 Love tank. Checking in to make sure our partner feels valued safe and loved
Red Flags:
•Minimize your values and primary relationships.
•Easily angered when questioned or disagreed with.
•Won’t let you meet their friends or their friends make you uneasy.
•They put down your expression of faith.
•Expects your money to float the relationship.
• Emotional abuse is worse than physical. Both genders can be abusive.
- Controls who you are allowed to socialize with.
- Has no friends of their own, or doesn't want you to meet them.
- Can't tolerate any discussion of your previous relationships, but will talk about their own.
You certainly don't know a physical sadist.
What do you mean "emotl abuse is worse than physical"? Sounds like you know nothing about it. There is no point in comparing, physical abuse ALWAYS has an emotional component, and the extremes of physical abuse can leave you crippled or dead!
@bl7817 they both are bad, in both cases, leaving the abuser is the answer.
@@bl7817I think what they meant to say was "can be".
1. Thank you.
2. The importance of this topic, well... if one grew up with boundaries not being respected, let alone taught what they are, the purpose and function boundaries serve, what you're doing here is a good, kind and wonderful thing.
🦋
I very much appreciate what you have said. You have throughout the video, described every long term relationship I have ever been in, and why they failed - including the most recent one.
I think the most important thing to come out of watching this for me, is to re-evaluate the way that I approach a relationship. It's not actually about dating red flags for me, it's about maintaining an existing relationship once it is established. I don't have any trouble making friends. I am very privileged to have a lot of close friends helping me through a difficult time.
Please don’t ever stop doing these. They help me so much to understand him and not give up yet. I just need to figure out how to mention you to him so he will listen too.
I hope he’s open to learning :) we all should be
You could always share the link by copy and pasting, then text that to his phone...or if you spend time together, play this video and say its important for you to share this with him.
I am a male cluster B: BPD, NPD, cPTSD and an anxiety disorder. I am open about the disorders and emotionally grown, not abusive, no gaslighting, no belittling, self aware and reflecting (years of therapy).
I just want to comment on point 3: The biggest red flag 1 for me is: not being able to have the tough talks and not being able to owning up to their mistakes and with that not being able to apologize. I once (I don't meet the diagnostic criteria anymore) would have qualified as a pwNPD and I am capable of doing the work, which means if the will is there, almost anyone can do the work. But someone not willing to do whatever work is required in him- or herself should be a no-go.
Jimmy is absolutely correct on this!
I'm impressed 👍 thx for the encouragement
Thank you for doing this work.
Making society better in one person part is still making society better.
And if we count people who will not be damaged by you it looks awesome.
😊
Accountability is a huge thing. I can't stress that enough. I've learned years ago that I need to hold myself accountable and I wish everyone past the age of 30 would already know and have mastered this.
That's good that you are doing the work by healing yourself. You should be proud. I am female: I am codependent, and have avoidance attachment style. I am also doing work and healing. Been in therapy for over a year and will continue getting help for myself. It was hard at first because it does require a lot of accountability for the things I can control in my life. I also have to keep in mind I can't control someone's emotions, their words and actions. It's a journey, but I'm worth being well.
@@abbyxiong3931 Awesome that you are doing the work. I have an anxious attachment style and due to the BPD am on the codependant side of narcissism. But I am becoming more safe attached and less codependant.
I would date cluster Bs in the future, if they are willing to work on themselves. Growth makes people incredibly brautiful.
I love all your videos. I'm so glad I came across you. More people need to watch these, relationship or not these would just make better people in general.
I absolutely love your Channel. As someone who is noticing tons of narcissistic traits in my behavior, your approach with empathy just truly make me feel seen and want to do better to change my unhealthy ways to feel possibly subconsciously in control of XYZ situation when in reality I'm just tearing myself and the people that I care about apart. I am grateful for you, your approach and your Channel. Keep up the good work. 😊
I think most of it comes from some traumatic experience in people I had seen.
People learn to deal with their problems by using other people and because this problem are huge and very painful it is no matter what price on the other side to pay.
I feel sorry for whatever reasons you have and want to say thank you for trying. Even if you fail in something it is still matter.
Thank you so much for this and many other videos. I am recently divorced from a deeply traumetized, emotionally abusive and neglectful spouse and so many of these red flags were present early on.
I realize I never actually learned how to be in a healthy relationship or date in a healthy way before! Better late than never!😅
Your work is really supportive along my healing journey🙏🧡
Thanks Jimmy. Love your clear way of explaining this information. Love your videos. Now waiting for your book 😅
This is really good!!! I don’t think I’ve really seen many people focus on BOTH YOU and your partner. This is really healing for me. I grew up with a covert narcissistic parent, then moved out with another narcissistic friend, which I didn’t know until 8 years later, ending just this past March. I have a BA in psychology, but hearing this in context is really good for me. This is so healthy!! Thank you, Jimmy!
Thankyou Jimmy for outlining healthy boundaries - I’m relearning how to set my boundaries after years of an emotionally unsafe marriage 😢
I can see my own faults in how my marriage isn't what I want it to be. I bring up an issue when I'm angry about it and when my husband is "blindsided" by it he makes a joke out of it trying to minimize my anger which only makes me angrier and get defensive then he shuts down and says nothing. 😐 it's been a long 12 years.
Jimmy states very clearly THE ONLY RELIABLE ANSWER to finding good relationships!!
He states this I. The first 5 minutes of this video.
Re-claim your power instead of commiserating!!
Enjoy the ride!
“What doesn’t challenge you doesn’t change you.”
Enjoy creating a new way of living in relationships. It feels totally AWESOME!! Namaste 🙏
I would like to say that calling it red flags and avoiding any “unnecessary stress” you ban people from growing. I was most of you described and my partner had some of those red flags but we decided (separately) that we will overcome it. The main thing was to stay together and today after 15 years together. Almost 24/7 together we changed A LOT for each other and with the help of each other. If there was no HIM I would never heal. And if there were no me he would never grow. We changed our lives because of love.
You just checked all of them.
That's a pretty silly take. OP said they had some red flags which they didn't ignore and worked on and had a successful relationship as a result. How is that a red flag?
@@kobaltapollodorus8922we all have red flags, we have to recognise them and work on so they are no longer red.
Everyone deserves a chance.
He wasn't saying that having any of that was necessarily the red flag, the red flag was their unwillingness to work on it, take responsibility for the way they handle things and then actively work on changing those things to be better for themselves and their partner. Yes they will make mistakes along the way but are they still truly trying, do you see growth in them and a genuine desire to fix it when they do mess up? If so, then thats not a red flag. Red flags are only when the issues are coupled with zero self awareness or desire to actually do the work. That's when you walk away bc you deserve better.
This reads like a manual on healthy relationships. Concise, to the point, and compassionately delivered. Saving this video to watch once a month as these are all things I want to keep remembering.
Thank you for this. Didn't have a relationship for almost 14 years (cause i still couldn't work out my self worth/self love issues yet) but this sounds spot-on to me, bookmarked for (hopefully) future reference
Thank you so much. I really needed to hear all of that to recognize the habits that have formed in order to make things healthier for myself and my relationship.
I find more value in your videos than with any counsellor/ therapist. I appreciate you and your selfless act of helping others by making these videos. My daughter is in a new relationship and is still young. I recommended your channel to her.
HealthGamerGG has really good videos too
This channel would be so good for teenagers.
I would really like to see you do a video on religious abuse, manipulation, and control using religion.
Also I was very badly abused growing up enduring every type of abuse, and my husband helped me get out which I will forever be eternally grateful for but when I met him I was only 15 (with a huge age gap) and I went from being home in my abuse to shelters after I was hurt to bad to continue staying home. And as soon as I turned 18 was married and I'm only just now at 29 getting to know who I am and heal from my past I feel upset at times that I didn't have the opportunity to know or practice any of this before marriage..your videos have helped a lot thank you.
I’m so so sorry for what you went through. This absolutely breaks my heart 😢
Look up, Recovering from Religion, a great charity.
@@JimmyonRelationshipsyes! Some of us have experienced this but told its not and it caused me issues.
1-submission to his authority over my spiritual life and beliefs. All had to told and he said he has to screen them. NO! Put my foot down.
2- I do whatever he says when he’s angry or i am not submitting.
3- Churches think we have to stay and submit/ bow our rights in order to “win back” our hubby cuz emotional/spiritual abuse and sexual addictions are not leave-able excuses. You endure that until its real cheating and real physical abuse. Even then, try to reconcile and not divorce. Be careful with separation. God hares that. You sin if you are the initiator. Those are your outs. You are trapped. Dont get remarried or its adultery even if your kids need a father. From hubby and churches I have been to.
4- you are wrong for wanting to get out. That is NEVER what God wants. You have to endure with God and learn what He wants you to learn in this regardless of how toxic or broken you feel- even if you or kids are on the verge of mental breakdowns.
This is your best one yet! Good job! You have great skill in taking these concepts, explaining in regular speech, and offering simple practical ways to commit to them in relationships. It gives me much hope! Thank you Jimmy!
*Love that stammers, that stutters, is apt to be the love that loves best.*
#3 Trauma and Baggage ruined my last 1,5y long relationship. I was aware and I believed he wanted to do the work, but sadly I was mistaken. It broke my heart because I was so ready to support him through it and thought he was my person, accepting all the good and the bad. But everything shifted in just a couple months and in the end it was easier to blame it all on me, rahter than taking any accountability at all and noticing that the poor communication appeared as a result of fear of conflict, while I remained consistent in my efforts to openly communicate, just increasingly anxious when observing all the changes and distance.
Wow! Im going through this right now!
It’s really important to ask the important questions before you really dive in. I also suggest before you decide to get married, do couples counseling for about 6 months. A professional can really help both of you before you take that leap. IT’S WORTH IT!
Ty for this video 🙏🏻
Emotionally immature are also crybabies. They are also inconsiderate, they blame the other, ''I was normal 'till I married you.
Emotionally immature people also name call 😉
They try the pity party approach 😢 biggest clue you’ve got a no accountability guy!
Emotionally immature people have an external locus of control. They don't take accountability of their failures, instead they blame it on other people and circumstances.
Jimmy...! So many good things here. I'm a therapist and am truly impressed. Thank you!
19:40 I find this section fascinating because I have had someone come to me to tell me how I made them feel, we had a thoughtful discussion, but unfortunately it didn’t change the dynamic of the relationship. Sometimes when you continue to have conflicts with another person you need to listen to your intuition and what the universe is trying to tell you. Sometimes someone is meant to leave your life because the relationship is no longer mutually beneficial.
So good, I need to watch again and take notes . Should have found these things 20, 30 years ago but never too late to learn, thank you!❤ You have such a warm, compassionate voice that makes you really easy to listen to and watch
Wow - awesome !!!! Such a lot of incredibly valuable information!! Yes I tried but my (ex)husband didn’t want to. Went to the counsellor with me and said if you can just fix her everything will be ok!! 12 years on I’m training to be a counsellor! 🧡 your work!
What i discovered.
This honesty and talk about yourself and what is important to you and so on, is opening a door to people who will misuse this information.
Never be an open book to soon.
Listen to your gut.
Many people today will be everything you need and when they 'got you' they change.
Your open talk was for them a path to make it easer to be what you seek.
Narcissists, psychopaths, sociopaths use this to their advantage and pretend to be all that!
I feel shame for breaking away from a relationship that was toxic at times and I’m struggling with letting that go
what you did was not shameful; it was brave, courageous and healthy! take care of yourself first and rid self of the toxicity in this world! nothing wrong with that!
Please feel better, you deserve proper treatment.
Send you hugs.
Man, you just read my mail in your videos, it's really helpful to start developing healthier relationships and healing from past hurts, thank you.
I think this was the best relationship advice on the internet as we speak. It’s basically a summary of everything that is important for a relationship to work!❤❤❤ I am SO grateful I ran into your channel! I will watch as many videos as possible! Your insight and the information you present is a real treasure! God bless you!🎉
This honestly makes me feel hopeless. This is too much work. I’m a broken person with too many faults and flaws to even begin tackling in the time I have left to find a life partner. My chance is gone because I was already broken at the starting line. It breaks my heart. Best of luck to you all.
Roma wasn't build in one day. Just start somewhere. I started writing stuff from my childhood in a journal. A journal with a lock. Its a start.
Yes❤
Be kind and gentle to yourself dear. Take each day and step towards growth :)
Thanks!
I’m going to binge watch all your videos, you have some of the best advice I ever heard..thank you!
Long comment but I needed to vent.
I'm so glad I stumbled across your video.
I had a bit of a fallout with a colleague I was friendly with (teasing and knocking around), and I felt really upset when a small disagreement escalated.
I apologized for hurting him more than I wanted in retaliation (I was telling him I don't like violence and he flicked my arm on purpose, then got upset when I hit it harder) and acknowledged my responsibility in the conflict but he refused to even let me talk, to listen to me or even acknowledge his part of responsibility.
Even worse he kept flicking me saying that it doesn't hurt even though I wasn't upset about the potential pain but the actual flicking.
Ironically the fallout was the exact reason I don't want people to even flick me in the first place.
Because someone will get hurt at some point and we'll fight about it.
Anyway I feel very validated in my feelings watching your video and feel gradually better about maintaining a cordial relationship with that colleague.
All of this to say those red flags also apply for friendships and workplace environment.
I wish, I wish, I wish someone would have told me this a long time ago. Not a family member, not a friend told me any of this. I've been carrying so much crap for so long and blamed myself for all of it and yes, it has destroyed not only myself but people whom I did care about. so, to say not a stranger on the internet yet you still care about me, move mountains for me. So, for that, I say THANK YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!
Absolutely! You deserve it :)
Thank you and God bless you for your amazing videos and for the incredible service to the health of our relationships and peace of mind. Absolutely everything you said resonates. I've tried so many strategies with my beau of 10 months, but will now sadly have to walk away from. I will eventually heal and pray he will at least try to heal his childhood wounds. Once again, thanks and God bless you lovely human. 🌸🙏🏽🌿
I wish this video were available about a year ago. I cannot underestimate the importance of the first point-life stage differences. I dated 2 retired men, 1 after thr other-the second being a Narcissist through and through. I average between 48-60 hrs od work weekly on night shift.
The gap in being stressed and exhausted from work colliding with someone who has ample amounts of spare time to criticize, control, ans steam roll over your needs for rest, chores, family etc is something I will never accept into my life again.
If you and a potential partner arent even remotely on the same life stage its never going ro work.
"That stranger really cares about you" and I appreciate it a lot!!
You are a great youtuber and I am happy that I have the chance to listen to your wisdom about relationships. Makes me feel much better. And many things you say not only are useful in couple relationships but in life in general.
So, thanks a lot, I´ll keep listening to your wise advises, greetings from Uruguay :)
Just started dating again after years of being alone. So thanks, I am going to look out for those red flags.
Hey, same for me! I wish you luck on your journey 🤗
You are well equipped now. Wishing you the best❤
Amazing. Very eye opening for me and what I did wrong in my relationships and red flags I ignored. Thank you.
I’m right there with you! Thank you for this!
Honestly I didn’t know how I felt about pornography. I felt like he did it because we were not having sex. But still used it after we got married- that’s when I realized how I felt about it. Definitely felt like cheating after sending videos and pictures for that resolve that only led to my own destruction of devastation. This is great advice thank you ❤
Thanks
I love your intention, I love everything I've seen on your channel and I love the awareness you bring to the whole community. It gives me so much hope after experiencing so much pain and that hope feels tangible in the form of empowerment through awareness and legit skills. maaaad appreciation for you
I wonder why so many people promote work, achievements, professional results and not inner work, reflection time, deep and tough conversations? They truly lead to the knowledge and wisdom he is referring to, needed in relationships.
this hurt but also helped. thank you
Thanks for your help 😊
You know, you've said you're not a counselor or therapist, but DAMN! You're good!
Your videos saved my life. Thank you for sharing. It identified my partner as they were. I recommend everyone never settle and remember how hard the ending can be before settling for a sub par beginning out of fear of being alone.
He had me at "disconnection"!!! I hear the word "disconnect" way too much these days. 😂 Awesome video!👏👏👏👏Priorities are also as important as values. They determine what we are willing to sacrifice over something else. 😢
4:00- are we pretending to be laid back and chill about things that really matter to us??? That’s such a good point.
This is so very helpful thank you. I’m pulling out of my 31 yr abusi ce relationship. I didn’t see the red flags then bc I was invalidated constantly in my family’s house. I’m make a plan now to get out bc I’m done!
I’m so so sorry for what you’ve gone through :(
I'm so sorry 😢
absolutely love how he speaks about things and puts the boring knowledge into a meaningful guidance
Im still working on healing from having to leave a relationship where the other person was extremely self destructive. It didnt matter how much we cared about eachother. I was collateral damage to their decisions, and it brought out my worst tendencies.
Now I am a lot more conscientious about who i let into my life and how i handle conflict with those people.
I just wanted to say thank you so much, you are the only video that I've watched that I've not gone into a anxiety attack, but you explain in such detail and beautiful kind manner, which is so helpful to someone like myself, I've experienced everything you've mentioned, l still have self doubt, but it's a work in progress. I'm so grateful to you, thank you.❤
What a great timing to watch this
This is great, it helps me reflect on myself on my relationship & have better understanding of my partner's wants & needs.
This means a lot! Thanks :)
A wrench in the relationship is giving your partner the silent treatment 2 days after their Dads funeral, refusing to speak to them to resolve any misunderstanding. Placing the emotional responsibility on that on someone dealing with a sudden unexpected loss. Then telling them they are muted and that the need to reflect on and then when you say don't do this right now my Dad just passed tell them don't bring your Dad into this.
This is me at 8pm tonight and it is now 3am still no word and I am feeling gutted by my partner.
I appreciate this video. Thank you for all your content. It's been a breathe of fresh air.
Thank you!
I simple try to replace past with this nice caring voice and beautiful approach in my head.
Jimmy, you doing great job by being an example of a human, showing this is possible and that people exist.
I wish to learn this language as I learned english or java so it became native for me and i treat your videos like this: listen as often as possible to learn it by hart.
Don't apologize for long videos, I need hours of this to rewire my speaking and thinking habits .
Love you ❤
Wish you the best in life.
Red flags aren’t necessarily meaning to run away. It’s a sign to investigate and check in with yourself in what your non negotiables and dealbreakers are. To check in with your guy and your body. Ask questions and spend a day or so alone to hear your own voice on the matter
I was changing myself for this person and losing myself. I was wounded. This is likely the reason that I tolerated the relationship for longer than i should have and I take full responsibility for that.
But I overlooked or rationalized it when he called my decisions into question , spoke down to me, belittled me, accused me of entertaining other men, ignored my feelings, etc. And I began to feel so weak, small and insecure that I opened up to him less and less. He called me negative and pretty much blamed me for our issues.
Because of my own unhealthiness, I was prepared to continue to change myself so I could be what he wanted. He ended it before that happened and I know it was the best thing that could have happened to me.
Sometimes you can overlook red flags because the other person has a unique quality that you are really attracted to. It’s not always looks either. I dreamed of having a girlfriend who was as good of a musician as I was that I could create with. Me and my ex wife were in a band together and her musical talent made me overlook every other negative and incompatible quality.
Thank you so much for this Jimmy....ive been rackimg my braim trying to figure out what it is that i dont like about the new guy I'm seeing. He is very attentive, likes to talk about interesting things, and respects my boundaries. But...he does show se of these red flags that i cant ignore. Especially how he talks/feels about himself. He is also an admitted people pleaser, which cam be unintentionally manipulative at times. He wants to advance the relationship quickly, which i dont feel comfortable with. Youve given me a lot to reflect on....
This is the most important dating video I’ve ever watched.
Right!!!!!
Your examples of neglect in your avoidant or narcissist video and going through examples helped me more than years of therapy. I never knew how avoidance can work in other scenarios without fights and how it impacts intimacy. How it works both ways. I love your examples. Therapists dont really go there at all. Ah ha moment