An Introduction to Male Shame
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- Опубликовано: 11 сен 2024
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John Bradshaw: Healing the Shame That Binds You (sorry, that video has been removed)
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This man deserves the Nobel Prize
Possum Boy
The nobel prize for what?
Nobel Peace Prize
@@4sername Who cares? Or you are too blind to see it?
@@4sername For peace
Ramon Ruiz
The person who commented cares so I was asking them to specify.
"Guilt is I have made a mistake
Shame is I am a mistake"
Great words! Thanks Paul
Been married 10 years. About 5 or 6 in addiction issues had popped up for me. I owned it and went to rehab and did the right thing. When I came home she demanded we go to marriage counseling. I said “ok” bc I love this women very much. 1 first session was about me and the drinking and drugs. However when we walked in and sat down for the 2nd session the tables were turned and we talked about her and things she needed to change to be more productive in our marriage. After that we never went back. Lol.
I live in South Africa and here it is quite normal for men in relationships to have to ask permission from the missus before doing something.A friend of mine wanted to get a motorbike after seeing mine.His wife promptly proceeded to tell him that he have a choice.He can ride a bike if he so chooses,but then he will not be riding her anymore.I will never forget that day!That was the day I decided that I will not be treated in a similar manner ever.
Reacher 25 yep...i always told my gfs that you will NEVER EVER see my bank account or the transactions in it...they do not like it one bit.
Reacher; so hows his bike?
I consider bikes to be dangerous....If it was me I would have bought the biggest F++king Hawg she ever saw LUS helped her to pack her bags!!!! I am sovereign!
Reacher, how you my brother? Fellow saffa here, Cape town. Absolutely agree with what you said... It is very often the norm but not always. It really does come down to the individual female and her upbringing (or lack there of). Regardless, we are conditioned here from young to behold and worship woman as this was the way when women were.........WOMAN! This simply is no longer the case and I certainly couldn't care less if anyone is offended by such.... Don't get me wrong, there are still phenomenal woman in this world but they are become exponentially rarer and rarer.... Nothing but the best for you my man. Rgds J
A man driven by his pee-pee will always lose. Banging gets boring after a while. And with the same woman, it is even worse.
My mother once went to a therapist to see what was wrong with her, because she was losing friends, her kids hated her, her husband was considering leaving her. Her therapist, after listening to her story, instead of helping her dealing with her shortcomings, she told her that she was surrounded by toxic people. How helpful is that?
Omnipraetor, Makes you wonder...if those "toxic" people around her all came in for therapy sessions, would the counselor finally pin blame on them, or would he/she then say yet other people are being "toxic" to that toxic person? It's an endless loop I guess. Counselors lose business if they hold their clients accountable--unless of course it's male clients with wives. Then of course it's their fault. But at least they won't lose business by blaming the husband, since the wife is the money controller. And THAT, my friends, is yet another reason why men are scapegoated.
Omnipraetor very to the therapist.. They took over from the gypsies... Ins only pays so much.. Cure takes too long, new clients needed, happy clients yield new clients.. Once a scam always a scam..
It is helpful I think. The next question should be "Doc, Do you think I am toxic too?"
That "doctor" is a narcissist who defends the pathology of the "patient" and blames the victims of that narcisissm.
I think they realized as unskilled therapist, how it's hard to change people. And how easy to satisfy narcissistic people by feeding their ego. And in business you just need to satisfy your client.
You're fine wine Paul... getting better as you go. I appreciate the hard work you do to articulate these issues so concisely and effectively for this RUclips platform. What you are doing here is not easy, nor popular, but oh-so necessary for men and boys.
Very kind words. Thank you, sir.
women are complaining that Feminist Nazis are creating MGTOW men but as Issac Newton said "Every action results in an equal and opposite reaction.. like gravity" Chris Rock on you tube watch "women and lies" he has women figured out and women hate it from "women and platonic friends on you tube"
Holy $#!%! Shame is basically for men the One Ring?!?
*One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,*
*One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them*
Northern Iggy don’t forget it’s important for women to! This is shocking stuff and so damn eye opening
@@nadiya-9815 nah bitch, gtfo.
My then wife and I tried marriage counseling in 2005 to revive our disaster of a failed, loveless marriage and what you described is basically what happened. Well, I wanted to revive it. She wanted to use a counselor to beat me into submission so I'd stop complaining about our loveless, sexless marriage and accept that I didn't deserve better.
Oh, the first couple sessions was the typical claptrap of back and forth. She gave us a survey to do. We argued while the counselor lounged in her bare feet. It finally went in the shitter after the two of them had a one on one session and between the two of them they managed to figure out that everything that was wrong was my problem. I didn't take care of her, didn't make her feel safe and secure in the bedroom. My ex-wife has MS and I spent hundreds of hours taking care of her with multiple physical issues and hearing them make that bullshit up sent me over the edge. I walked out and never went back to that therapist. Two years later we were divorced.
Men, if you see the red flags, GET OUT. If you're lucky enough to see them before you get married, run like your ass is on fire and the nearest body of water is 10 miles away.
This is why you go MGTOW. Let these little girls grow old with their cats. I will keep my cash and the things I love to do.
I don't even know how to begin......"Thank you for this", just doesn't cover it. Your statement between 14:20 and 15:10 summed up my (now past)marital situation with an accuracy bordering on the un-natural! A 19 year marriage marked with so much misery and loss that drove me to nearly take my life (and this is not hyperbole). I have since turned my life completely around and am rebuilding my life, career and happiness in China as a MGTOW, away from all of the toxic influences and people who in the end cared NOTHING of my well-being and once they could extract nothing else from me, threw me away like yesterday's garbage. It was a lesson that cost me 20 years of the prime of my life. But the knowledge I have gained is a pearl of great price. Thank you again for the work you do here. I hope to one day share my knowledge and experience and wisdom in a similar fashion. I would not have the next generation of men repeating my mistakes.
MGTOW saves lives!
Yes, sir! I too waster 20 of my best years dealing with a lunatic devil who had the state backing her every evil act. My son will not do this. Thx for sharing and stay strong, brother ✌
Thanks for sharing! Have a great life! ❤✌
This experience of putting a man in therapy like that reminds me of the medieval practice of breaking a man on the wheel. Am I missing something?
Nope. Pretty much hit the nail on the head.
The modern wheel leaves no apparent physical marks...which makes it more effective than its medieval counterpart.
very well stated Joe.
😂😂😂😂
Shame is the tool for thought pruning.
"racist... sexist... chauvinist..."
And that's just online! In the real world we get shaming in far more subtle ways.
Another thought provoking video.
Felfop Returns So true. heh.
Christopher A. Simp
Feminists demand equal pay, equal rights, equal everything. Except accountability and responsibility.
I do receive other types of shaming but I've never been called racist.
@@cjaquilino Shaming someone with the truth can be a good thing. Trying to apply false shame is evil. This goes for everyone. Shame isn't ALWAYS a bad thing.
If you dont feel shame, They cannot Control you..... But they sure do HATE you when they realize they cant control you. X-D
It's amazing feeling to be free
Women these days act like they deserve all the attention, and when they do not get it, they get mad or upset.
Why are men so willing to give these types of women even the time of day?
One word: pussy
Speaking of accountability, through 32 years of knowing her my single mother has NEEEVER acknowledged she is at fault at any wrongs. She always flips the card and points her finger at someone else. Someone gotta be held accountable, but not her.
Same here.
WOW. Just wow. Thanks for sharing.
It's always the same story everyhwere.
Same here also. Alienating, lying semi narcissistic mother. She doesn't even realize why he kids don't want to have anything to do with her, but instead tries again and again to play victim and shame us to keep her around. It's truly astonishing how foreign accountability is to many women. Imo weak majority of men train women to that behaviour, when the women are young. They don't need to have any integrity or character to still have an infinite queue of white knights and beta orbiters desperate for sexual attention. By the time their looks have faded and sexual demand for them is no more, they are four decades into getting used to make the rules they play by. No wonder female workplaces have so poor atmosphere, their 'magic' doesn't work on other women and they have no tools or character to handle shit.
Thanks for sharing! My mother is from rural area and didn't complete secondary school and had no exposure to feminism! Yet she always armtwisted us to remind that she was not supposed to do any house work! She could not be reasoned with...she always lied and quibbled (like feminists)! She never accepted any mistake...not even once! She always blamed others for her mistake! I am from India! I would request other readers of comments to share their experiences.
Thank you for this video. It not only brought me to tears, it has also set me free. Shame was weighing me down and I didn't know. Thank again, God bless you.
Not a single female on earth even accepts the fact us men go through injustice, at all. My family blames me for choosing wrong female and therefore it's my fault she used my kid's, not women! This is the men and women in my family
@@Naturestheway I hear you man, are you okay?
My ex wife was the type of soviet woman that can drive any man to alcoholism. Lucky for me I naturally dislike drugs alcohol or smoking. Otherwise I would be an alochilic for sure. This may sound odd to some people. But when i feel depressed it helps me to cycle on my bicycle for 30 minutes + . my bicycle helped me through after her abuse and the divorce. I hope this message helps someone.
Back in the 1970s, Mad Magazine had an article entitled, "You Can Never Win With a Bigot." The gist of the article was that bigots play a game of "heads I win, tales I win." For example: A waiter would say, "Boy, that Goldberg table really has me hopping." To which his bigoted co-worker would say, "Penny-pinching Jews, I'll bet they stiff you on the tip!" In the next panel, the first waiter would return excitedly saying, "They tipped me $200 dollars!!" To which the bigoted waiter would reply, "Waddya expect? Those people got all the money in the world!"
This article came to mind when my ex insisted our seeing a marriage counselor if I wanted to save "my" marriage. She chose a Mormon as a counselor which was odd as I knew she was bigoted against Mormons.
The counselor was very professional and didn't try to shame me in any way; she was fair and even handed. She also told me privately that my ex was "nuts." Later, in a moment of exasperation I shared this with my ex, and she dismissed it with something to the effect of, "What you do expect from that idiot? She's a Mormon." Had it gone the other way, and the counselor had said *I* was "nuts," my ex would have no doubt had said, "See?? Even the Mormon thinks you're the problem!!"
It was that old Mad Magazine article all over again!
I really enjoy your videos. I am almost 40 years old and most of those years were spent in virtual despair with regards to women, relationships, and my role in the world. Thanks for putting everything in context.
marriage and divorce are the biggest racket run by "family court judges"
You are so right. I’ve had to deal with this in my extended family. We had a relative that her husband and as a federal employee and worked in D C upon retirement they moved to the west cost where we live so a lot more inner action. Time went on his wife would comment on his being on the computer for hours in the basement; but she was dumb to what was going on. She was vary hard to live with-etc a nag and more . One day she caught him sneaking in a bottle of vodka. Well it turned out he would spend hours in the basement looking at who knows what on the computer and drinking vodka and she was unaware of it. Well he died due to excessive alcohol consumption. As years went on after his death I had to deal with his widow, then I could see why he had a drinking problem
I make fun of those Dear Abby type of columns because they only hear one side of the story, usually the females' side. She writes in complaining about her man after she has compiled enough evidence against him to assure a one sided verdict from the psycho- columnist while omitting her fault contributions to the maligned relationship. This is because she needs an immediate fix for her damaged emotions while knowing deep down that she herself has contributed much if not all to the dysfunction.
I’m a marriage and family therapist female and I love your video. I will say that strategy wise, In the beginning I do a lot of empathizing with the hurt person for a few sessions and then I start to turn it. To the bigger picture of patterns and relating. But I have found if I don’t take time to empathize with the hurt person. They don’t continue treatment, as usually the hurt person is the driver that got them there. But just this week with a couple, after 4 sessions, I started to turn the tide.
Your actually a marriage and family therapist? Who, of course, happens to be female
Needed this today as i have to go to family xmas party where i get shamed by the husbands and wives for my nightmare relationship with my ex. They blame me for my kids being takenfrom me, used as extortion,weapons of pain. I not have custody and get 0 respect, none. Millions n millions of men experience this daily, 24/7 365. Stay strong fellas! Thank you so much, Paul ✌🍻
I agree. My gf likes to always tell me how I made her feel the way she feels and I always try to tell her that she may feel a certain way but I don’t make her feel that way.
I've listened to several of your videos. My dad would have loved you...lol. I was raised with 4 brothers and my dad. No women really present. Boy, am I blessed to have the upbringing I did. I learned so much about the male thinking, that I actually think like one ( for the most part). I think it's great that men are standing firm for themselves. Women ( actually girls) have become an embarrassment to society. They never grow up in anyway but physically. Sad state of affairs we're living in!
11:49 some their daughter age ...yea and
Everyone in my family is against me and my happiness so I keep quiet and build
Omg!!!!
This is RIGHT ON!!
I spent 30,000 on therapy and boy did i hear all about me. Our culture is geared against men. My wife’s up bringing is filled w abandoning and molestation. A therapist asked me “ did you rescue her or marry her”? I rescued her. But its been a long rough ride. 27 years married, 3 kids. Im hanging in to not abandon my very smart girls. And developmentally disabled son. My wife had an affair w one of my family members. It really hit me blindsided. Ill forgive, but never forget.
Bro wtf she cheated on you with your brother or somethin? You forgave that? Cause Jesus or somethin?
Wow what a piece of work!
2019 and shocked to just learn about MGTOW. Even more shocked to realize I been MGTOW for 25 years already. Great video, Paul.
Great stuff, Mr Elam. Please continue to do what you are doing.
I love how you distinguished guilt from shame. Shame has been a cancer to the modern man.
Few ask pertinent questions to complex situations. Paul you are one of the few. Please don't STOP. You're sorely needed.
I would like to say thank you for your work - with videos you make. I am a woman, but I can relate in many ways and many times when I listen and learn from your videos about victims or survivors from abuse from people with BPD. I am a daughter of a mother with that chronic disease. For almost 30 years I was searching for info, understanding, encouregment, empowerment support and health for myself. I came very far and needed to put tremendous work and effort to heal myself. Of course without many years in therapy, studying books etc and being active and motivated to stay sane and motivated I wouldn't be where I am now. I am glad you are sharing your knowledge and experience with globe as I can find support for myself too.
So you've had you kids kidnapped and money garnish for 15yrs only to be blamed by your own family????? Mentally abused and controlled through court? Your children brainwashed, alienated??
Hey, men are awesome. And women are starting to find out that they need us more than we need them.
Thanks.
Thank you, Paul. This video is very important. I got rid of shame a long time ago. It's what allows me peace of mind. I realized that shame is the go to tactic for women and the men that have been raised solely by them. Anytime you express any kind of opinion that goes against the popular narrative, here comes the shame patrol. I remember telling one person in a youtube comment section to shove his shaming tactics up his ass.
That's the mentality men should have imo. A sense of self and the conviction to stand up for what you believe in no matter how unpopular it is. And most importantly, men should never, EVER, let women define what being a man is. Never seek validation from them. Validate yourself through your own achievements and lifestyle.
I'd love to hear a video for An Ear For Men on this issue of men seeking validation from women and women trying to define what being a man is.
Perfect comment take my upvote! So well written.
I agree completely, I spend quite a bit of time cruising comment sections doing what I am able to do to help the younger generations.
I have written to Karen Straughn about making a video on learning to self validate as opposed to depending on a women to provide it.
She replied with she would consider it, but asked me to write a thesis on the topic and send it to her.
For as well as I have been able to self validate my entire life, I am struggling wwith said thesis.
All that to ask if you might have any interest in brain storming on that with me?
Shame is the problem here. Shame is a powerful tool of religion. Shame is very damaging and this video gives a good example of shame suffered by men, which is often really heavy.
Paul is literally saving lives.
Which brings me back to the question: Whither the Men's Mental Health Network? Is that still on the horizon? A clearinghouse of mental health resources for men devoid of the standard shame and blame seems like such an important and worthwhile project.
I hope so, some day. It is a matter of getting the right group of people together in the right place at the right time. Easier said than done.
An Ear for Men Why Paul? You used to have a great repository of classic MRA literature which got pulled off the web. What's up?
These women writing in, have been married longer than "Dear Annie" has been alive. AND THEY TAKE HER ADVICE ????
she was asking about the social media concept of cheating
Paul this is Aces ThankU. Love John Bradshaw!!! Alas, the shaming of men is heartbreaking. In my case, started in infancy, gynocentric family system. Choked on shame sandwich. I'm old & single. Yet an old woman friend is pulling this crap, with the protection of an old guy (gynocentric) friend. Your words are so so useful
Paul, you truly are a blessing! You are speaking exactly what most men can't seem to put into words. You speak from OUR hearts and souls giving us concept to what it is we are feeling or going through. We need this!!! Thank You!!!
Great video. In that short time you made me think in a new way. Thank you, sir.
I remember being dragged through counselling with my then-fiance. It was awful and one giant shame fest. I hadn't thought about it in years, but I remember being shamed about something beyond my control and arguing back a little bit (I cannot claim any bravery, I was just sure I was right) and by doing so, the counselor proclaimed me "abusive" and strong-armed my fiancee to break up with me. In retrospect, that cunt was doing me a big favor. But there is a physiological power that two or more women can generate against the male psyche via shaming. It feels like you have no recourse, and women are so unforgiving.
He says, "Be shameless". That is a tall order, sir. I fear it is programmed into us.
Len the cat
, The therapist didn't do you a favor. YOU did, by standing up for yourself, you got them to reveal their true selves, allowing you to get away.
Great job!
Thank you for your selfless contributions to mankind. You are a great man.
I've gone through my life with male shaming and never put a name to it. I learned to avoid it and even learned to say 'no'. I avoided those traps without knowing why. The very moment I get close to it, my defenses go up and I start to find distance from it. The truth is I've spent my life trying not to hurt anyone. I often place someone else's pain over mine. Don't get me wrong, I like that about myself, but I've also learned how to set limits. I will also walk away with the belief that I can't fix everyone.
No one makes me walk on glass anymore. I have to be honest with the way I feel, but that has to be kept in check too. I can figure out people's weaknesses rather quickly. That, in itself, is power and can be abused. Just as I don't want to be used by others--I also don't want to use others because I can.
i am female...love your videos
Thanks Shannon. There are so few of you unfortunately...
@Shannon you are a unicorn. Keep that horn shiny if ya would please. Much respect
Well aren't you just super special.
Everyone in this thread is a cringe worthy beta male boot licker.
You are a female chemeleon. We don´t buy it.
This talk makes me think of myself. When I get angry, I usually get flustered and don't know what to say. With time to think, I can see where I may be right or wrong. But in the heat of an argument, all those clear thoughts go out the window.
Robert Black i hear you
Something similar to this happened to me in the family part of treatment. I still get angry when I think about it, but at least I have clarity. 12 years sober btw, I took responsibility.
men are suppose to protect THEIR women,, Not women who they don't know.
The truth at last. Thanks, Paul & long may you run.
OG. Chauvinist: A man who refuse to comply with his own subjugation.
My marriage of 10 years ended 6 years ago.
A year prior to the dissolution of our marriage, we went to marriage counseling with our "pastor".
We went to 2 sessions before I pulled the plug. I told my (at the time) wife that I wasn't interested in being crucified while she got off scott free and didn't have to have any accountability whatsoever.
A few months later I let her know that I would consider marriage counseling again, but that it would be with someone else, and that the counselor would have to be fair across-the-board.
Needless to say, she declined and our marriage ended, and my eyes were opened as I became red-pilled very quickly, and somewhat naturally.
As Paul has said in another video, there are no victims, just volunteers.
Well I'm a quick learner, and I'm doing my best to help my children avoid my mistakes.
Also, a friend of mine recently has begun the process of divorce. He is shocked at what's evolving.
I let him know that he needs to throw out everything that he thinks he knows about his wife, and women in general............there is no code of ethics, no honor, and no moral compass that his wife will abide by (most likely).
I let him know that these were masculine traits............not feminine.
Some women are decent, however most are not.
I can't begin to express just how strongly I agree with Paul here regarding couples therapy... A little background here... My ex-wife has MS. It caused her back and leg pain and bad nighttime leg cramps. She would struggle with maintaining her body temperature as well. I knew all this even before we started dating and I married her with it. When things went bad after a few years (she decided she hated sex and didn't want me anymore), we tried couples therapy... Me in the hope that she would listen to how much this was killing me and her in the hope that both she and the therapist could psychologically beat me down into accepting this as the new marital paradigm. After a couple sessions, they had a session without me and then invited me in...
And that's when they hit me with it...
I wasn't "making her feel safe and secure" in our bedroom. That was the whole problem and it was all my fault. They figured it ALL out without me there... I'd spent countless hours getting hot packs and cold packs, rubbing out charlie horses and calf cramps, back cramps, sitting in our steamy bathroom at 3 am while she ran a hot shower at the ready in case she lost her balance. Somehow that wasn't enough for my ex... I sat through the rest of that session completely numb and in shock, amazed at the size of my ex's balls and the therapist's stupidity at swallowing that shit hook, line and sinker... After I walked out, I never went back. I also stopped going to bed with her as there was nothing there for ME anyways... I was divorced two years later. No man should have to live with that kind of mental and emotional abuse.
Paul is a true visionary.I am so glad I have found his channel.I was beginning to think I am the only one to notice this things he so elegantly talk about on this channel.Please keep on doing this great work.Respect!
ALL of this complaint was about the husband looking around Fecalbook for those people, places and things that were of interest to this guy, primarily from his past. AND SO WHAT??, is he really guilty of be curious?, what ever happened to so and so, or the gal that I took to the Prom 25 or 30 years ago. Yeah, really heavy stuff here, she should have called the Swat Team.
If this poor sap gets so little out of his life with this shallow bitch, can anybody really fault him for cruising FB for the brief moments of greener pastures??
vegas1a I legitimately have that fear.
vegas1a I almost always agree with this dude , but the husband in this example is completely wrong. I mean he is not even an ounce of "right" . You don't hurt people that way, and you don't humiliate your wife . Feeling nostalgic here and there is ok , but seriously what he did was utterly wrong
Grace: You do know this example was a bait and switch...husband does this...replace husband with wife. Then is it ok with you (as I have heard more then a few women try to justify their misgivings/cheating etc.), and if yes can you explain why and how that would be different to you. This is 2018.
Red Pill it's wrong if the women do it too. I personally am against infidelity for any reason and any fashion. I wouldn't bs you , and undermine your intelligence. Morally I know it's wrong so for someone to have to bring it to my attention would be embarrassing . I just don't move that way
Grace: I think your logic/intent is true. So how can such a heavy shame, blame, guilt, extreme social and legislated (that is a big one (family court bias)), "correction" be waged toward men while women cheat as much...strike that (according to current data) cheat at significantly higher rates and with more partners? Logic dictates the same level of "correction" or more (since higher rates), towards women correct? What we live and have always lived (our timeline in humanity) is not true logic or intent as men or women. Root truth.
When I was in couples therapy I noticed the tag team between my ex and the therapist,I tried changing therapist but the experience replicated itself.
I simply had to leave that woman I felt I was going crazy, being African the traditional reconciliation also was a tool for shaming my alcoholism
This is more than valuable than i can express in a comment section. Thank you very much sir. I was slapped awake hearing this. One of the best videos ive ever watched on you tube.
When I was young and stupid and thought my mom was an angel and my dad was a bum (wonder where those ideas came from) I almost always thought it was the man who was at fault whenever I heard about a divorce or separation. I saw first hand how abusive my mom, aunts, grandmother, and some of the neighbors where to their husbands, but I ignored the fact that both of them could be at fault, or even that the woman was the one causing all the trouble.
Thanks for that one. It makes me speechless how many situations come to my mind, having seen this. Still down and feeling broken, recovering. Sincerely from Lower-Saxony in Germany.
Shame, so far as I see it, is simply a tool. It is to change another person's behavior by highlighting what one person believes to be the negative results of the other person's behavior. As so long as people want to change other peoples behavior, shame will be used. And, hey - it is better than violence to that end. Still, this leaves to the question of why men are more affected by shame. I suspect that this is because men are always held responsible, while women are much more often given a pass. If someone is used to being excused from responsibility by others, it naturally follows that they find it easier to excuse themselves. Thus it would follow, that men who are rarely excused from responsibility are much more likely to hold themselves responsible. Therefore my opinion on this is quite simple; to the extent that our culture holds men and women responsible equally is the extent to which men and women feel the weight of shame equally.
Poor guy. Seems like the real issue was that he got married.
We need more men speaking up like this Paul Elam.
I got to watch my Dad go through therapy like this. There was no one to stand up for him and he just had to take it. Even at the time, I knew there were just as many mistakes made on my Mom's side as well, but she and the therapist tag teamed my Dad and simply beat him down.
Nietzsche: What do you consider the most humane? - To spare someone shame. What is the seal of liberation? - To no longer be ashamed in front of oneself.
Dang, Paul, you have a hard dose of wisdom here. I used to think men who cheated were scum... But now that I have gone MGTOW and seen bitter women who destroy men and control them, now I ask the woman, what were you depriving him of, violating your marriage vows? Because if he is getting her heart and body at home, he will surely not seek it other places, and if he does, he needs a lesson. But usually, it is a bitter woman, controlling and injuring him as he is drawn away by his natural sensual longings, injured and battered emotionally by his wife. Emotional battery is far worse than physical battery, emotional battery can take decades to heal, if it heals at all. Physical battery heals in a few weeks, though the trauma can last, nothing harms like emotional battery, and women can be masters of it.
My goodness... this is gospel. Excellent commentary sir. Thank you for articulating what so many of us feel daily.
This is men and women's relationship on a societal level. One can only conclude that when women say men don't listen they are simply projecting. In fact, I'd venture to say that men are remarkably attentive to women. If the blatent evidence in front of us is true...what is the solution for men? If men refuse to give in to shaming and present our needs as valid this might venture into the realm of being critical of a woman which also ventures into the territory of female accountability, both of which women simply will not allow...what now?
Humiliation is a form of changing the topic to team up on someone to make an example out of them so others are too afraid to think for themselves.
Feminism is a synonym for sexism, just the females team name.
Modern feminism is the attempt to socially engineer men into a 2nd class citizen.
An ex of mine once said "I don't want your f@$#ing kid, I'd rather abort it."
Everyone took her side. Blamed me as insensitive.
The insanity was that we thought she pregnant and when I asked what she wanted to do - she then lashed out.
I never even raised my voice.
It took years to come out of the mental hole of that.
I just don't understand why society says this is my fault.
I was in a VERY similar situation. My drinking was because it became PAINFUL to come home to listen to my insanely narcissistic wife shame the living hell out of myself, or any friend of hers that she felt did her wrong while never looking in a mirror and seeing her demeanor and poor attitude was why all of her relationships were volatile. Our therapist then blamed my drinking for her cheating. Completely implying that my drinking was a choice, and her cheating was not. It's absolutely BULLSHIT the double standard that enables the very narcissistic behavior that so many men have to endure.
I've married and divorced, shame is a simple thing for me to see, and I now find it funny, I smile and walk away. I can walk away because I owe a woman nothing, no explanation. I just don't care, they can't shame me anymore. When one can identify the shame, it no longer functions as anything but sad, something I feel sorry for them about. It also means that I have not been able to date women anymore, 10 years now without a date....but I don't care anymore, I live a shameless life of peace an tranquility, I am no longer alone, I live with peace instead of a woman.
Ive only viewed a few of your videos. However i will say i needed this man. For some time I’ve been wondering the premises of relationships. I think this is due to the emotional crutch men have upon women nowadays. Andrew tate has been a top figure recently on speaking out against feminism. Men taking the charge back like past generations have had it. I cannot wait to learn more regarding a better mindset to this chaos we call changing times. Thank you 🙏🏽
As A Man, I too was put into situations in dealing with Women.
You are Not Alone. You are put into A position is about all blame for their being A Man. F Dat !
Be protective of your emotions.
They are yours And you are aloud to have them.
Don't let the bastards grind you down!.
Love the Motörhead reference mate!
I have to admit, I just got dumped from a relationship that was built on shaming me, plus im now about 90% certain that she has BPD. its been an extremely hard and emotional 2 years, and ive felt completely lost since it happened. but, your videos have been extremely helpful to me in getting my mind back, and regaining focus in trying to remember who the hell I was before I met her.. thank you..
Also, I want to speak on the what drives men topic you touched on right at the end. i know that im not a psychiatrist, and this is just one man's opinion based solely on his experiences in the world, and how he views others and himself. also I know that this isn't in stone, because situations change people, and everybody has to adapt to fulfill the needs in they're lives, so people will sway around between these 3 types, but everybody generally sticks to 1 of these 3 the most, and that's what says the most about what type of man he is.. now, the best way that I've figured out to categorize it in a way that makes the most sense to me, at least: they are driven by either their wallet, their dick, or their heart..
wallet- some are trustworthy if they're a little more grown up, because they see that the more you burn bridges, the less opportunity you have to make the thing you desire most.. money. some extremely untrustworthy, usually younger and will go to any length to get yours or anybody else's money in their wallet..
if a man is lead by his heart, then he wants to be a good provider and roll model for his family, and friends, he's trustworthy because he doesnt make promises in hopes of getting something in return. he makes promises because he wants to do better for you, and because he wants to make sure you have everything you could ever need or want.. especially if those things help to improve your personal life, or help you in your career, or schooling. he just wants better for you because your in his heart.. And he doesnt plan on that ever changing. So he never intends to make false promises.. yea, sometimes life happens, and things have to get adjusted some. But that doesn't make him a bad guy. And sometimes he just hasn't had adequit time to fulfil said promise, but he still has every intention of doing so.. But as long as the people that he loves, love him back, and everybody is there for eachother, then this is the best type of man in the family, and friend dynamics. But he does have his downfalls.. loving other humans so much is dangerous territory, because mostly every person in this world is out for numero uno.. And being there for somebody, and when your willing to do so much for them, even if it means sacrificing yourself in the process, when you start to realise that same person that you care so deeply about, doesn't have the same view as you do on being there for eachother, you see it as, #1 is your family as a whole.. then #2 And so on is your job, home, cars, blah blah blah.. she list of priorities are #1 her, #2 is you or her/both of y'alls kids or her job or however she sees her list. But as long as she sees you any lower on the list than herself, then your only going to start dropping further and further down that list as time goes by. And that's the man lead by his heart's biggest downfall.. every time he realises it, he's no longer happy about everything he's doing for the people he loves. he's no longer motivated to bust his ass day in and day out for everyone in his family, because he knows that they wouldn't do the same for him.. And no, he never did it to get something in return from anybody in his family. But he knows if they dont see him the same way, then he's no longer this amazing, loving, caring person, that would give the shirt off of his back to anybody that needed it, he's turned into your personal slave and you just figured out the easiest way to control him. And his realisation of that powers him down to almost a complete standstill in life, because everything that he truly believed with his heart, in life, was just smoke and mirrors, and he realized that the person he loved more than anything or anyone else on this earth, has done more damage to him than any accident or car wreck ever could.. And most of the time, the little seed that brought on the change in her that eventually led to this was all started by the third type of man..
if their dick is in the driver's seat, then they are, for the most part, completely untrustworthy in the social setting.. in business, or at work they re pretty good employees because they know that it's harder to get paid with a shitty job, or a crappy apartment that you share with roommates. as always, women are attracted to money, their only wanting the easiest way possible to get what they desire. So it's a no brainer. get a good job and keep it, no matter how much you hate it, you get rewarded later on with women, and it all evens out. now on the social side.. to a guy friend, you can expect him to almost always be single, and cancel on you for no real reason, and if y'all are out he may disappear for an hour or 2 or for the rest if the night, and he's always going to be texting people constantly because he's always got one thing on his mind. to woman, no woman is ever really his friend. just prospects that he has to work harder to get. he will say any and everything to get what he wants, he will boost your ego, and be there for you on your side when your venting about the issues in your current relarionship, and will always tell you that your better than your significant other, and that you should leave them in the dust. if he makes a promise, you better make sure he fulfils said promise before anything happens physically between y'all, cause once he gets what he wants, everything he said, and promised you will be gone, shot all over your back, just like his "man seed" left there for you to wipe off while he takes a nap.. he will fill your head with all kinds of bullshit in order to get what he wants, and with our world and social media how it is, he is the biggest ruiner of relationships and marriages, because he's messaging 100 women a day, feeding every one of them the same bullshit, and alot of the ones in relationships are buying into this crap, and it's helping to feed the whole shaming of their current partner aspect, because their comparing these completely fake, totally unrealistic promises of all of these random assholes trolling for women thru social media and comparing all of these false promises to their current real life boyfriend/husband and all of the good and bad that comes with a real life scenario vs, a fantasy situation. So since the woman is being untrustworthy and even waisting the time to talk to these assholes, they in turn beat down the man who is actually there for them, and is And will do way more for them then all these fake ass dudes combined. And as they beat on them for not providing a fantasy life for them, the guy gets worse and worse and more emotionally unable to be the best husband / boyfriend he can be, and wants to be for her. And in turn it makes the situation worse.. plus, we all know that the woman hasn't stopped or even slowed down talking to these fake ass dudes, spreading their bullshit lies, and they've probably started doing it even more. And probably has or will very soon fall far enough into the trap these assholes are setting, and has cheated on the husband/boyfriend and has rationalized it in her head as to why is was perfectly ok to do, since the man that's supposed to be doing all of this completely unrealistic bullshit, isn't doing "what he's supposed to" yet he's doing everything he's supposed to, and probably at this point handling alot of your responsibilities for you. to try to make you happy, and make you appreciate him more, and in turn makes you happier with him, and the relationship better.. But instead if just fills up all of the mans time, and makes him too tired to be this cheerful, energetic, happy person that she used to be attracted too.. plus, now she's got a shit ton of spare time on her hands, and nobody to talk to, or to get that emotional connection with that she craves, because your so busy, but guess who is there to fill that void?? that's right.. all the assholes that don't give a shit about who they hurt, or what they ruin to get what they desire most in the world.. some pussy.. any random pussy..
I just finished watching the Mr. Bradshaw video on shame. It was very empathetic and thought provoking. 55 minutes well spent.
Thank you Mr. Elam.
Some of the best advice a young man needs. Whether his father teaches this over time, or he leans it from examples seen or heard such as this. Paul, I was considering doing this for many years as I watched boys, and men deal with inadequate treatment, demeaning demands, and truly be devastated by both a spouse, girlfriend, and/or the family court system. Thank you for all you do. It will not be unnoticed or unappreciated.
I am just as so many other people are, so grateful to you Paul for all of these videos. Your commentaries are not just educational, these videos are in some odd way very relaxing. My conclusion though is first there is absolutely no incentive that will convince me to ever marry. Last, I am convinced that my family was never a "happy family" because my parents were never happy together as "husband and wife" first. My parents have been married for 53 years and were together for 5 years before that. They still boil each other's blood with the same problems from personality differences and breakdowns in communication that I remember going on more than forty years ago. The whole marriage and family thing are two endeavors that have honest to God become real life nightmares for men with no fix possible.
I very much enjoyed the expression "guilt is I made a mistake, shame is I am a mistake" very well said Mr. Elam
My ex wife forced me into therapy because of my "sex addiction".
Another one out of the park, Paul. Your videos are like bitter, bitter medicine, but it heals the cancer within us men.
I often find I have to pause the video, catch my breath, and review parts of my life. Your commentary often hits way too close to home, and can cut like a surgeon's blade.
Thank you, and keep up the incredible work!
am glad i found your channel. the information is right on time for me i've spent most of my life henpecked by women. i've mostly picked narcissistic women. who've nearly destroyed me. no more. am on my way to some well needed mental and spiritual health. thanks, again!
I definitely see your point about the lopsidedness. I don’t however think shameing the woman by calling her a bimbo is going to help dig men out of the shame hole. Both men and women struggle with shame and if you want balance I wouldn’t try to tip the scale backwards by shaming women. It doesn’t help either. Lift the man up while respecting the woman, lift the woman up while respecting the man. That brings healing to both.
Paul, I just watched "Healing the Shame That Binds You John Bradshaw." He was quite a brilliant man. Even describing him as brilliant doesn't seem to be enough to describe his brilliance. Great advice you given. It is invaluable. It opens the mind even more.
Every time I think my jaw has hit the floor for the last time and I'm finally "fully red pilled", the floor gives way and my jaw freefalls 10 times further.
Yes the man does deserve the Nobel prize. I hope a lot of women listen to this!!!
You're like the father I never had. Thank you for all the wisdom on this channel. I will continue watching for as long as it's around.
Boom... been there... was living with a borderline... I would get drunk daily for the tiny window of peace it gave me... only to be routinely shamed and told of all my inadequacies as if from a grocery list.
Meanwhile, I worked as a bar musician (tough life financially, but the booze was free). She stayed home... watching TV, reading, not leaving the abode for weeks sometimes.
She claimed that she didn't have to contribute toward rent of food because she kept the place (an efficiency apartment) clean and orderly.
On e in a while she'd be nice, and we'd have some fun, she'd get laid... then... back to same ol same old...
If only I could recoup the time and money I wasted living with her...
The courting period was incredible... Three weeks within her moving in... I knew living hell was imminent... being the optimist... it lasted 3 years until I gave her the boot... but she kept coming back to get laid, and attempt to reestablish the free ride... I didn't bite...
Been there, Done that. Marriage counseling demanded by wife. A female (and new) counselor. The statement from the wife that I was the "source of all the problems in the marriage" stuck and was accepted by both of them. When I brought up the other side and it was time for accountability from the wife, wasn't and did not happen. With another counselor, wife discontinued going when it was clear that she would have to own her's. I am SO DONE with the counseling stuff. MGTOW is my life now and has been for years. She doesn't get it, Never will. Get a fair shake from the average woman? No way! I will not argue with a woman. They are never willing to accept their accountability. Yes, I have Gone My Own Way. I try to avoid women and especially talking with them. My two dogs and I are happy and living happily ever after.Thank You for the video. Your doing a good work for us men. We are not set up for this kind of thing and need educating.
A single sperm has 37.5 Megabit of information in its DNA. An ejaculation represents a data transfer of approximately 1,587.5 Terabit of information.
I know this could be a lot of information for some SJW's to swallow
I recently watched the documentary The Red Pill. I am a woman. It was so interesting, I watched it again. This perspective from the male side of the street is essential. I shared one of Paul's videos with a woman friend, and she immediately became angry. I asked her to check out some of the videos out there of hostile man hating feminists and their vicious rants about men. Paul's points about men's and boy's rights must be heard, and he doesn't have to be nice about it. I shared some of the knowledge I gained from the documentary and from MRA videos with my husband, and we had a very productive and insightful conversation. In all, I have come away with a more truthful and and healthy understanding of this male person, my friend, who I am married to. It was for the better. Keep it up Paul!
While I don't necessarily agree with everything Paul said, I agree with a lot. I'm also still processing a lot as well. But this part, "Guilt = I made a mistake. Shame = I AM a mistake." absolutely blew my mind, and rings true. There's a lot to 'chew on' mentally.
I went to a group therapy and all the other participants were women. And the therapist was a woman. My experience was just like Paul discribed. I was made to feel like things were my fault, I was treated unequally, and so on. Definitely felt treated differently/poorly because I was a man. When I think back at it I feel like slugging the therapist in the face. Big waste of my time and money.
I will never, never, never go to any kind of couples counselling again for the rest of my life. Every one of them has mirrored what Paul Elam described here. Moreover, it is highly doubtful I will ever get into a relationship again, so it's a moot point anyway. The way to avoid all the pain and drama is to avoid any relationships altogether. That's my approach and it has worked very well.
This resonates all too strongly.
After my divorce, I found myself in need of a new set of rules by which to guide and judge relationship dynamics.
I found that the word "no" is a pretty good litmus test. I find a reason to say no to something early, mostly before it's even an official date. Everything forward from that is based her response. Mostly, that's when i walk away. I have no desire to spend a relationship feeling like i need to defend myself from my partner.
head of the Psychology department at Abilene Christian University DID EXACTLY THIS. When i showed up for the next counseling session told him she left. He said I should have been more supportive of YOU Jesse L Green! I have children i have never saw and am the EVIL EVIL EVIL ONE
Thank you so much for being here, you’re saving so many lives.
Woman cheats: it's men's fault. Divorce
Man browses tits: it's men's fault. divorce.
In listening to your description of couples therapy, I'm reminded of Alan Harper from two and a half men talking about it "I'm the perfect guy to ask, when Judith and I started, we were just a couple with a few problems. When we finished I CAME TO LIVE ON YOUR COUCH!! GOD BLESS COUPLES CONCELLING."
Once again you are telling me the story of my life...
You are more of a help to me than really anyone has ever been.
Love you brother
thanks for that link to bradshaw. lots of guys can use him to yank out the deep-rooted shame. his methods work. i discovered him 5 years ago(only). his "healing the shame....." dates back to "87. right on.. take note of the link, gentlemen. RIP, john bradshaw.
normally i don't think of contributing to podcasts, youtubers, etc. but this is a lot different. there are important things at stake in this game. when i get it all sorted out, i'll fire along a little $$$ to help keep these and mancasts going. as far as charities go, sometimes words of wisdom go as far as a christmas basket.
Sends shivers down my back.Reminds me of the 60s when I was a teenager.So many of my friends moms played the Saint role.Thier husbands was always at the bars.Driven out by cold calculating woman who wanted the living room throne for themselfs.Know they couldnt have been having sex with them bitter unatractive woman.What a rotten fucking life.They was guilt tripped all the time.They didnt realy like getting drunk every night but was more or lest edged out.And we all know what that leads to.Affairs and more guilt.
You have become "A voice of reason and sanity" for me lately. Thanks for your wisdom Paul.
Thanks for such an insightful video, Paul. You are truly a pioneer of men's issues and the "screwing" we've been enduring because of this gynocentrism needs to end. I'm awakening to the BS I've been fed my entire life. Thanks for your good work.
this was absolutely my experience with "couples counseling"
How did it start?