This was my mom. She left me in the care of my dad when I was four, and this was the best decision she could've made. My dad was the one with the parental instinct, not her, and I had a wonderful childhood.
@@roshnik5137 That is true, but as someone who is child-free, I assure you EVERYONE constantly bombards you with "oh, it's different when they are your own" and other such nonsense. People end up doubting themselves and believing they are just anxious and that everything will somehow just change. The people who pressure child-free folks and the child-free folks who think everything will somehow just change, are both dumb, but that is (in large part) the problem. If you're not positive you want children, do not have them. It is far better to not have children than to have children you don't love.
There are other times when you love to have children, but your partner takes over everything and kills your personality completely and your soul is dying inside
@@roshnik5137 yes, except that's hard to do when society basically shames a woman into having kids the don't want. I'm surprised there aren't many more non-custodial mothers.
That is totally me....i thought i was abnormal....i married my soulmate but still NO to children...i KNEW, i didnt want to have children....in my 50's now, i never regret not having any....eventhough i get alot of bombardment from family, friends even my in-laws....i knew if i have them, the children & i will suffer
I totally agree. I don't like kids or babies and never for a second did. I also suffer from anxiety and depression that I just about manage to keep at bay. My father keeps making this speach every year, on how I'm so mean for not giving him grandchildren and his life is worthless because of this.
Love this comment! There needs to NOT be a stigma to people who choose not to have children. Women who have kids and love being mothers need to stop projecting their feelings onto other women. It's great to be a mother and great if that's what you choose for your life. However, it's just as valid for a woman to choose NOT to be a mom, especially on this overpopulated planet. It's just really sad for the kids who were born to them. I bet these women wouldn't have had children if it hadn't been pressed upon them that that was the next step.
@@Me-40 thank you! i always feel there is something up with those women that need to proclaim how much they love being a mom........i always give them the side eyes b/c its weird to me.
As a nanny , I can 1000% say I’ve had better connections with children more than they had with their mom . I’ve worked with moms who need me 24/7 even though they have free time . I’ve seen children being neglected by mom , and it’s honestly furious . If you do not feel like having kids is for you after your first kid . Please do NOT have a second one . Because it’s not fair for the children .
@@yaritzacuevas2965 aww thank you and I’m so happy you were able to experience a nanny’s love . Sorry to hear your mother didn’t raise you , I’m sure that was or is hard to deal with . But sometimes that’s okay , because a nanny is there to replace that when it’s not given by the mothers child . So I’m happy you got to experience a nanny’s maternal love . I love all of my babies I’ve worked for 🥰💕💕💕💕
Yes people should not be pressured to do things but where is the Pride of being able to say you are a single mother, why are single fathers praised and single mothers chastised, even saying that deadbeat moms should be honored and respected ties into disrespecting single motherhood, they would rather abandon their children and give the responsibility to a Single Father. So much disrespect in being a single mother that these women completely checked out, and it should be a taboo to abandon your children as it is for men. Why it is meant to be honorable, I don't know. Difficult things are really worthwhile. It's never easy to be a parent, great for them indulging in complete narcissism that of an absentee father- oh how far Feminism has brought my glorious gender! Praise the Lord
I think children over the age of 12 or are in high school should be allowed to choose which parent to live with. All others, I think primary parent should get primary custody
@@krustycrb7182 no they shouldnt Its too easy to manipulate a teenager Just tell them they can drink alcohol and stay in their friends house once a week and boom theyre in love with you Bc in teenagehood we tend to seek freedom rather than logical choices
@@dlalalabu5956 This sounds like something that someone who doesn’t have a good relationship with their kids would say. Letting the kids choose is only opposed by the ones who wouldn’t be chosen
@@Ratsoftheswamp My dad and mom got together after she got divorced so she had three preteens already before they had me. My older siblings (technically half-siblings, but that distinction doesn't matter to me) have told me they didn't believe my dad was a good step dad to them and my dad admitted that he wasn't ready to have kids when he and my mom chose to keep me, an unexpected pregnancy. I honestly wish my mom's ex husband had raised me. My bio dad had PTSD and problems he should have sorted out before choosing to be a parent. The really crazy thing is that a couple years after they had me, my parents decided to have ANOTHER child. It was a pretty bad choice...
I think we shame people too much for not being able to be parents and then they feel like if they conceived the kid, they have to be the one to take care of it. It'd be better for everyone if we just let them admit that they can't handle it and provide more avenues for them to transfer custody to someone else. It's hard to trust adoption agencies given some of the scandals we've seen so I feel like more action needs to be taken by each community and the government to ensure that people know the children will be safe.
@@postlukecore Honestly. One woman said that her relationship with her son was awesome because they could do any & everything they wanted when they wanted to, but I wonder how the son feels about his mother only seeing him what(?) a couple times a year. I dont think that creates and sustains a good lasting relationship. I wished interview the children now & then after they have children, to see if their opinions have changed or stayed the same.
Yeah, I was wondering the same thing. My mom chose not to raise me when I was 10 and although I respect her decision and I realize it doesn't mean she doesnt love me or that it was easy for her, there was and there still is a huge hole there in my life and I have some "mommy issues" which makes relationships difficult for me & I was sent to my grandparents who didnt want me either so yeah, I can see how something like this could go wrong. But I think perhaps there is a way to make it a healthy relationship if there is open communication or visits; which I didn't have so I am curious as to the other side of this, the mothers seem to be happy in their decision but I wonder about the fathers and the children. I would feel the same way if a father decided not to raise their children too.
@@postlukecore I’m actually interested in both, as female health for the obvious reasons is the corner stone of every society, and what tips the balance between it being a healthy society or a toxic one, which is what we have had thus far (and exactly because we have been ignoring female health).
Unfortunately, this doesn’t seem like a healthy dynamic for society to accept and adopt as a whole if what the science has been saying about children needing secure attachments from parents that are physically and emotionally available is correct. For the daughters of these mothers who have chosen to physically separate themselves, what sort of female health will this manifest in to when these daughters become women and/or mothers themselves? The answer is not separation but more resources, more community, a village. For mammals, such as elephants whose young need 24 hr around the clock care, the females in the community take turns caring for the young. When this care is not met, the young elephant suffers emotionally and physical. I can imagine, the implications this can also have for us humans as a species. Due to the lack of support and even pain these mothers have experienced in their childhood and in everyday life, I understand why they left. I get it. But to say we need to “rethink” this idea of motherhood to fit your pain and your circumstances, no. This dynamic is not ideal for a child, the next generation.
I so appreciate their honesty. This is exactly why I've chosen to stay in the Cool Auntie Club. Not everyone is meant to be a parent; just like not everyone is meant to be a spouse, or banker, or doctor, etc.
@@sharonlee_333 Let’s not assume MissARB “couldn’t” do it. I think all she’s saying is her preference was to “not” do it. “Couldn’t” and “don’t want to” are not synonymous
Exactly. I just don't have that mentality to be a mother. It's hard for me to take care of myself, so why would I want to add a child into the mix. Plus, I like working, and I think I'd go insane if I had to stay cooped up inside with a crying baby all day. But it's sad how I'm seen as an oddity whenever I tell them I don't have kids. Especially on Mother's Day. I'm just not financially and mentally stable enough to have one.
@@tiajoseph7309 You only get one life. You have every right to live life the way YOU want to. Don’t listen to those busy bodies. They get their own life. You get yours.
It’s okay to not want children or to get married. The most important thing is that if you do have kids your children should know they are loved & wanted. Issues of Abandonment are one of the hardest things to over come for anyone. Those issues trickle down into every relationship you have in your life.
Or both parents could step up instead of making excuses to be a weak absent parent without feeling guilty for it Ex my meth head mom abandoned us "for our own good." No lol, her reason is b.s.. She left us because she is weak, and chose meth over her children. She made the choice to be shitty. She and parents like her should be held accountable instead of us settling with "well at least there's one parent, that's better than the other parent" Because parents *choose* to be good or bad
It’s kind of wild how humans constantly force themselves through situations they KNOW are wrong. Moving to a different country, walking down the aisle with a man you don’t love, having children. I wish we were all strong enough to just say no.
*Women. It's disproportionately women who lack the strength to say no, because we are taught from birth that saying no is bad, mean, etc. We are taught the opposite of sticking up for ourselves: that a good girl does as she's asked and doesn't talk back, doesn't question. Just give an adult a hug, regardless of how uncomfortable it makes you. Don't talk back when your father bullies you. Etc.
It's all very well to say no when there are other viable options. Nothing to do with strength. Sometimes strength is staying until you're able to leave and succeed.
I am privileged, live in a modern society and break many norms as it is. And I still feel a huge pressure to have kids, as this is seen as truly successful and natural. It is so much more than just saying no. It is a human thing to believe others know something we don't, that there has to be something we are missing out on. Or why would parents constantly try to convince non-parents you "never regret having kids" and "when you become a mother, you feel fulfillment as a woman and human". And if you still persist you don't want it there has to be something wrong with you and ppl can even get mean saying "then get sterilized if you hate kids so much, you don't deserve to have any" and "oh grow up, life is not about going out drinking and being selfish" (like that is the only thing a life without kids can be) I would be a good parent. It's just not a priority. But I can so, so much see how ppl are convinced to do it.
exactly, each one of them describes feelings of loneliness, not knowing how to parent, and even not having friends or family like the woman from Estonia. I also think some of these mothers could even be battling some post natal depression
My son's father and I truly share custody. They went to Alaska from Arizona for 4 months and people FREAKED OUT. Like, it's not like I shipped him to a stranger. It's his FATHER. Men do have equal ability to parent, you know.
A this is sooo ok. That is responsibility. This whole video is a child abandonment normalization. "If I was a man, I woupdnt be interviewed". Seriously?
They sure do thats why after 7 years of trying my hardest to get my daughters father to do his part i have cut him off. He was a single father when we met...to 2 kids. Down the line we had a child and he is a loser. He knows how much work it is so now im gonna do the best I can as a completely single mother.
Hi everyone, my name is Nataly and I am one of the mothers featured in this documentary. You may ask me anything (respectfully) in the comment thread and I'll try my best to answer. What people may not know about me is that I am not a non-custodial mother by choice. I was the primary caretaker for our children, and settled after years of legal battles because the legal bombardment bankrupted me financially and emotionally and I could no longer stand the aggresive legal attacks. The children's father has 4 more days a month than I do, which makes him the custodial parent. I am very involved, and I am class mother, PTA volunteer, and an Integral part of their lives. My children and I speak every single day when they're not with me. They regularly get to see their grandparents, aunts and uncles. At first I was very ashamed about being a non-custodial mother, and that is why I started my organization Amazing Mothers Without Custody to bring awareness that there are other mothers out there like me. I did not become a non-custodial mother by choice. I love my children, and my world centers around them. However, I am making the best of a terrible unfortunate situation. My goal is to break the stigma associated with non-custodial mothers because we do not all fit the stereotype.
the ONLY thing your children care about, no matter what form it comes in, is your consistent presence in their life. Children are equally intelligent and simple, if you love them they know, and if you don't care about them they know that too. It's clear you fit in the former category. My mother left when I was 2 and I didn't see or hear from her again until I was around 16. So much of my pain and poor self esteem and lack of identity could have been helped if she had simply picked up the phone once in a while or sent a birthday card every year or just done SOMETHING. Just a small thing would have spoken much, that she did love me, that she didn't forget about me, that I was important. The last thing I want to say is just keep an open dialogue with your little ones. Be an environment that they never ever have to second guess if they should speak their mind or not, in this endeavor you will always be able to have positive loving conversations with them about their individual needs they feel aren't being met. These two things, I think, are the secrets to raising well adjusted humans. You're doing great momma, keep going.
Hi Natalie I am one of the non custodian mothers also my ex after a few years of him having custody of my kids he cuts ties with me I didn't see or talk to my kids ever since I am trying to adjust
Do you feel this documentary painted you in a bad light? (hi BTW) it's just none of that was mentioned (the legal battle) and it seems that may have been intentional to fit their narrative (?). Also, another point if I may, would you do anything differently? Thank you in advance ❤️
That was my instinct. Also, to be fair, they all had some trauma that could have exacerbated postpartum or manifested as PTSD. I particularly related to the woman who was stuck in Estonia. I had my first child at 18, and my second at 19. While pregnant with my second, I had to leave my husband because of his violent temper. After giving birth to my daughter, my family and I had to make secretive arrangements to fly from my home of California to Colorado. Not exactly another country, but at 19 with two babies, and post C-section, it might as well have been. It was the most bizarre mental anguish I went through. However, my babies were the ONLY good thing, and while it was a difficult living arrangement, I was doing it for them as well as myself, so there was that.
They have postpartum because motherhood (in our current society) is an isolated task. It should never be 100% the women’s part to raise children. We need more community based approaches that eases the workload for all mothers. I think then, there would be a lot let depressed mothers.
While I understand what you’re saying, there are women who have partners, and who are married, and still experience postpartum depression. Just as this video showed, 2 of the women were married and still developed depression and possibly postpartum depression after giving birth. Someone’s martial status has nothing to do with mental illness.
If a woman realizes she is not interested in mothering full time, the best thing to do is to leave the child in the care of someone who wants to be a parent. I grew up knowing that my mother did not want to be a parent and the resentment I felt took me YEARS to heal from. I don't judge these women at least they are being honest and while it it likely hurtful or confusing to the children, it is probably less hurtful than being in the presence of an angry, resentful and potentially abusive parent.
@American Ajumma I'm grateful that I've found sufficient healing through forgiveness (not condoning or making excuses) and embracing the strength I have gained along the way and can now share with other. I hope you have a good support system, there are a lot of taboos around this topic, it's important to have 1 - 2 wise and trusted people in your life to lean on and trust me, that works wonders
Sorta....only 1 was placed in a situation where she didnt really have a choice....1 had a traumatic loss.....but the 3rd should not have had a child to figure out she didn't want a child.
Ah well, ain't that the beauty of the culture of arranged marriages combined with social/family pressure of great magnitude? Happens in the majority of non-western societies as well, if you are sent to university/college you are lucky 😊 at least the aunties won't bother you right after finishing secondary education with a list of 'potential candidates'
I know a girl in her 20's who had an arranged marriage. Her parents would not let her marry her previous bf. Years into her marriage, she was still very unhappy.
I'm an orthodox jewish woman. Met my husband at the age of 20 (he was 23). We were "set up" by my aunt. We went out on probably about 10-15 dates, dated for about 6-8 weeks, and then got married a few months later! Though I definitely "liked" my fiance before we got married, I can't say we were really "in love" at the time. Now, almost 11 years later, we are still very happily married and beautifully suited to each other. This system of courtship may seem strange to many, but it works in the majority of cases. And no, I am not suffering, I am thriving. Just thought I'd add my two cents. (And by the way, I am also NOT expected to be "elated" and "joyous" all the time about mothering my four children- it can be very hard and people in my social circles with kids understand and sympathize!)
@@newona4313 why do YOU get to decide who's a "failure"? Everyone is worthy of being themselves. Things like social status don't matter when it comes to the quality of a person.
My married cousin also chose to be child free. Her and her husband are also teachers (they like kids). They are content with their decision and seem just as happy as everyone else in the family.
Well put. I feel like even tho I didn’t get a motherly mother either (and instead got an abusive one) I would still know how to be a mother myself, since I am naturally loving and caring towards children (without being overbearing or too permissive tho; there’s a balance). I’ve been a teacher for the past 10 years. However I am still not that pressed about having kids, and so I ended up child free too. It’s seriously just never been a priority for me, I came into this life with other missions and tasks, with another kind of work to do.
My mother was not a mothering type which pushed me to want to be the best mother I could be. I wanted a big family. I had two children and very quickly realised I couldn’t be a good mother to multiple children. I knew my limits and stuck to them. I still wish I could have had that big family but it’s not in my make up. It wouldn’t have been fair to any of the children. Women need to listen to their own instincts. We know what’s best for ourselves.
Raising children is incredibly difficult. I don’t know how single parents do it when in some cultures children are literally brought up by the entire community.
My parents are moving to where me and my husband live, to share a big house with us, to help us raise our children. My husband’s parents, and his uncle and aunt, and two of his cousins and their children, also live on our street. So quite literally, we are a large family community, all on the same land, all raising our children together. Because it’s so hard raising kids!! So there will be 6 grandparents, 5 adult children, and our 7 children. And we KNOW that all our children will be better for being raised in such a large family community. It’s such a HUGE blessing.
@@shanimarais9695 Honestly, I became a single mother at nineteen. Would I do it all over again? Yes, with the right support system, in a healthy marriage and enough emotional capacity. I wouldn't want to do this all over again the way I'm doing it now tho...
I honestly wish my mom did this.She hated being the full time parent. But she did it because that’s what moms are “supposed to do”. She did the bare minimum of parenting. She also made it very clear she was counting the days,weeks and months till my 18th birthday. As an adult I understand that she had issues bigger than me. But as a kid I felt worthless and unloved.
I am so sorry, Brooke! You are so loved and so unique. God makes no mistakes, and I hope you know that YOU ARE WORTHY! Jesus loves you and is desperate for a relationship with you. People on this earth will always disappoint and let you down. Turn to Jesus, not RELIGION, Jesus! 🙏🙏🙏
@@brooketaylor6226I can’t thank you enough for your kindness. With prayer and therapy I was able to heal. It’s so crazy that you suggested finding Jesus but not religion. Because once I gave up “religion” I was finally able to connect with Jesus.
@@brookew2403 You are so welcome!!! I feel like everybody is going through anxiety/restlessness right now... but through Christ we will get to the other side! You are what your bloodline has been waiting for... you’re breaking generational curses and setting the stage for this next season of your life! Praying the blood of Jesus over you and your loved ones! ❤️
Soooo are we not going to talk about perinatal/postpartum depression, depression, and grief in these? Why is still such little support for us women going through this??
I was thinking the same thing, maybe they needed help and since this is a taboo then they felt leaving it was the right thing to do. Men do this too they think they kid will be better with the mom because they think they are not good enough to raise a child and they don’t want That responsibility. Bottom line is a child needs both parents reality is is not always possible!
I think this is beyond postpartum depression. These women never had a desire to have kids. So it's not surprising they didn't connect once they had them. Yes there should be more acknowledgment about PPD, but wrong video to use for that argument.
@TpyoQueen agreed. I was thinking about how Nataly was literally just expressing much of what her mother went through, and un-addressed & repressed traumas
I was raised by my Father. I saw my mom when I wanted to but I never lived with her. It was the best thing for me. I have a great relationship with both parents.
There it is, very simply put: Things changed; my mom moved out; My dad raised me, but I could see my mom when I wanted. The child is faced with a change in circumstances, and adapts. When parents both want “custody” the drama and the awfulness begins and it’s usually about $$$$!
@@beeninthisfandomlongerthan9500 I know, but when you have someone that is constantly miserable with her life, you stop understanding why TF they’re even around you if they always make comments about missed opportunities due to having kids. I guess only she understands it 100%.
My mother very often told me she didn’t want her children and I felt so unloved and unwanted- she was being honest and now I understand forced motherhood is unfair to the mother and especially the children
She was pressured into being a mother. As cold as it is to say, motherhood is a choice. Even if it involves sexual assault, a victim chooses to continue the pregnancy if they become pregnant and they choose to keep the child
Whilst it was unfair for her, still have to remember you're allowed to feel hurt. That's not something a nice person would say, personally for me. It may not 100% be her fault, but it was the cards she was dealt and chose to treat you like that. I'm really sorry you were put in that situation.
@@valenciaing.4316 they victim doesn't always choose to keep the baby. For example the pro-birth movement in America trying to take that right away from women. And other countries that made abortion illegal.
@@valenciaing.4316 in the country I'm from its actually very difficult to have the right to have an abortion. Not even extreme poverty is enough of a reason.
I grew up with a horribly abusive father who told me I was useless and beat me till I was raw. I wondered why he had children. When he died I only felt relief. I wish he had left.
As someone whose mother gave up custody and barely visited throughout my childhood I am actually very grateful that she just allowed my dad to take me. He is the most loving person I know and plays the role of dad and mum seamlessly. She has her own kids now but I haven't spoken to her in years.
Ty for telling your story. This video makes it look like everything is ok now but the truth is these woman will some day no longer have freedom. They will be too old to care for themselves and too old to have fun. They will find themselves alone and their children will forget them. Sad but maybe these woman deserve that lesson.
My mother is my best friend. She literally had no time for anyone but us. We were always her priority and sometimes that makes me feel guilty. Now that she's older, our roles are reversed and I take care of her and try to give back as much as I can.
GOD BLESS YOU, I'M BLESSED TO HAVE A WONDERFUL DAUGHTER AND SON,THEY SAID THAT I'M THE BEST MOM IN THE WHOLE WORLD, AND THAT IS FANTASTIC BECAUSE MY OWN MOTHER, NEVER GIVE ME, LOVE, SHE WAS VERY RESPONSIBLE, SHE WORK AND GIVE ME FOOD AND SHELTER, BUT NEVER GIVE ME LOVE, HUG ME, KISS ME, OR TALK TO ME WITH THE INTEREST TO REALLY KNOW ME, I FEEL ALWAYS AS A BURDEN FOR HER AND MY BROTHERS, BUT ONE ONLY THING I HAVE A BIG GRATITUD, SHE ALLOW ME TO STUDY, AND LEARNING IS EVERYTHING, I DECIDE THAT I WOULD BE THE BEST MOM FOR MY KIDS, AND THE BEST DAUGHTER FOR HER.
@@yourhighness4746 That's the best thing you can do; provide for your children what you should have received. You will all benefit from your doing the right thing
Editors: it’s okay to hold on a speaking person without cutting away to random videos and images every 2 seconds. The facial expressions of the speaker will say a lot more than unrelated clips. The video was so hard to watch for me so I gave up.
Tragic for both. They think that it just wasn't meant for them when in reality it could if they had the proper support. Tragic for the kids who could have had better mother had they had the tools available to them
Smh you all missed the point of this video. Rn you’re sitting here saying the only explanation for why they didn’t want the children was a chemical imbalance. Weren’t you listening? They didn’t wanttttt kids. They never wanted kids. They never wanted that life. If it was a man you wouldn’t think he had to have a chemical imbalance to not want kids smh. Completely missed the message.
Could they be experiencing some of that? Yes. Is that and a lack of support why they failed to succeed as mothers? No. They never wanted to be one in the first place
that is the reason why I think it is so harmful to have kids just because you think this is expected of you, and when they're here, you realize that you never wanted them.
Two of these women may have been dealing with postpartum depression and the other with grief. I wish they could have gotten the help they needed. I pray they are all healthy and happy now.
My thoughts exactly. I wonder if they might have had a better experience with their families if they had gotten the therapy and support they needed. Of course some of their situations might have been more complex than that but i found it concerning that PPD/PPA or PTSD weren’t even acknowledged. I think people are becoming more aware of it though.
I had an inkling at 17 but it was whilst working in a nursing home with a lovely lady in her 80's who was childless, that I knew I was going to do my best to avoid it. 42 and no kids. I like hanging around those in my family as they can be a lot of fun but I LOVE handing them back to their parents at the end!
It’s because a woman not wanting their children is an exception. It’s not just because of societal pressure, we give birth to them, we have a lot invested. I say this as a woman. I don’t want to see this normalized. Mothers & fathers are both important, and I don’t think either should want to walk away. How can we? What about them? 👀 When I 1st became a mom, it felt alien to me. But there’s no way I could just walk away. Same with my husband. It’s a hard job, but it’s worth it.
@@geezhey6124 No one is pressuring people to have kids. But if you do, don’t walk away. That’s a child who will not understand why mom or dad left. Unfortunately it happens everyday.
So true...women are expected to grin and bear through so much!!! worst case scenarios, it is socially acceptable if the father doesn't want to be present - and the poor woman is expected to be strong and raise them on her own:-(
I am a stay at home mother of four and I even homeschool our children. I LOVE my life but I am the first person to say this life is NOT for everyone!! We need to stop putting pressure on couples to have children!
Especially on Women who say I don't want kids. If we can take Men at face value when they say I don't want kids. Why can't we do the same when it comes Women? I Just love how Men in the comment section have so much to say, and talking about daddy issues, yeah its because their dad's fecked up, that that daddy issues shit has became a sick culture joke to these Men🙄🗑
@@happypanda882 she is being supportive and non judgmental of these women but yet you put her and her life choices down, how very sisterly and pro woman of you🙄
I found this to be really touching and eye opening. My Mother abandoned myself and my older sister when I was 6 years old. My father raised 3 girls by himself and did an amazing job. My story is different from these but I truly get where these women are coming from.
@@fritzdeuces This was in the 80's my father got judged and accused of things being a man raising 3 girls alone. He turned out to be my best friend and that was the greatest thing that happened for us.
My mother left my father when I was a baby and took me with her. She spent my entire childhood resenting me for reasons I still don't understand. She was abusive, cold, and demeaning. She isolated me from and turned me against my father, grandparents, aunts and uncles... basically anyone else who might be able to show me what love really was. I used to pray every day that someone would figure out how bad things really were in our home and take me away, while at the same time being terrified it would actually happen and I'd lose the only family I had, so I never spoke up about the abuse but still wish I could have. To this day I have no relationship with my father or any of my extended family, and I haven't spoken to my mother in years. I wish my mother had left, or that someone had taken me away before too much damage was done. I think she felt she had no other choice. I look at my own children, now both teenagers, and realize my own mother was never capable of loving me, and wasn't ready or able to be a parent. Sometimes kids are better off without one or both parents. Giving birth to a baby does not make someone magically qualified to be a good mother. There are plenty of times where a mother leaving is the best thing for everyone involved.
Yep. Me, too. Yet, to this day, I long for my mother's love, and set myself up for painful disappointment over and over again by reaching out to her hoping for a different interaction. 🤷♀️
We have a few family members who have done as your Mom did. Estranged their children from their families. It may stem from fact that my mother wanted us, well most of us, it was the days of no birth control. However, she had no clue how to take care of 7 children, so us older two girls did a lot, ..the last 3 born were 10,11, and 12 years younger.. Mom tried to commit suicide a few times. The two times were when she found out she was pregnant with the last child. My older sis and I had to help her from her attempts. We were told to not tell anyone. I was 11. Good gracious what a time. Fast forward, and not many of us had good relationships nor did they last and it was challenging. I am the only one of the 7 (as well as two step siblings) who is with my one and only husband. Although we had our times too. I can and cant understand the women in the video. However, there is some empathy.... they did not abandon their children, they still see their children. I could write a lot on this, but to deny a child their extended family is a sin. And it is a form of abuse for sure. A child needs to know they belong and are loved by many, especially Aunts, Uncles, grandparents... My heart really breaks for you. I hope you have managed a good life in spite of it all.
I feel like this really highlights how our expectations of childcare shifted. You're supposed to be a mum who takes care of her kids 24/7 and that makes some people crack, especially if they lack support. When I listen to the stories of older people in my village it didn't use to be like that - kids would be outside playing together, the neighbor comes over and chastises them for something and teaches them how to throw rocks over water, the aunt brings some food and shares it with them, the older kids walk the younger ones to school, the grandparents maybe live in the same house and loojk after them too... There was community and so so many people involved, and rarely did the mum have to take care of the kids 24/7 on her own, play with them, entertain them, etc.
I get so overwhelmed sometimes with my 8 and 3 year old, doing the chores, cooking the food, and also having to be the entertainer. it's worth it.. but sometimes I just need a break it's so mentally and emotionally draining, I cry for hours sometimes 🥲
I was raised by my grandmother from birth. She was the most wonderful mother a child could have. She taught me well and loved me deeply. I owe her everything.
My thing is when parents have distant relationships, or "leave to be free" but then expect the kid to take care of them in old age. I have seen that alot.
The comments break my heart because I had no family no help low income loved my kids tried my best and got 0 in return would listen and hug when they cried Try to reach out to them only to get an eye roll and your weird Moms who have kids who love them are the luckiest moms in the world
@@mysticalvibe4241 I was a battered wife when my children are little and now that they are grown I have almost no relationship with them and they blame me for things that happen when they were young I wish things had turned out different
My mother expects me to help her constantly and wasn't there for me, she abandoned me and I lived with my dad. I'm 40 now and she's on her 60s broke, mentally ill and more selfish than ever.
my husband has a mother who went "to be free" when he was 10-ish and now I'm the one who really deals with the after affects of an absentee mother. We have a 4 year old son and I feel like its really healing for him to be the support he never had.
What is noticable is that most if these interviewed woman don’t feel good after they had their babies, but kept those feelings to themself. I think it’s so important for you as mother and your children to be honest about your feelings. Weather its your family member, your husband, a friend.. and when you don’t feel understand by them. Go to someone professional.
I gave my son up for adoption when he was 4 months old. I tried. I knew I couldn’t be a single mother and I had anger issues to navigate. I can only hope he is okay. He’s 25 years old now.
Many adopted children would love to be able to meet their real parents as they hold no grudge towards them. If it's important to you to know how he's doing now, maybe one day you decide to look for him. It probably wouldn't be easy to reunite, but it could also prove to be very beneficial and restorative for the both of you.
You sound like a birth mother who could add some extra happiness to your grown child’s life. It’s very possible he’s looking for you. Have you considered a reunion?
You did the most loving thing a mother can and should do, put her child first, make sure his needs are met and he has the best possible life you can give him, even if that means letting someone else who is ready, able, and really wants to raise him. He is old enough for you to reach out to him and let him know that you did what you thought was best for him and just want to know he is ok.
it's interesting, sometimes the most motherly decision is that, wishing the best for your baby, knowing that he/she is gonna be better with other family.
I dont want to get married or have kids. People pressure me all the time, especially family. I refuse. I do not have the energy to care for a child. I am not made for that. I am an aunt and that is all I want. Others do not get to decide what I do with my life.
YOU GO GIRL!!! That is what I am talking about. Women who know who the hell they are and what the hell they want for their own lives. F**k society. I wish all women were as strong and brave as you. 🧡❤💚👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
I always applaud women who know for sure that parenthood is not for them. I have two kids (planned and wanted). I adore them and I love being a mom, and even then it is hard and takes a lot of sacrifice. There's so much value in knowing your limits and what you're willing to commit to. Whether or not you'll raise children should be at the top of that list!
My mum always held a reservation towards motherhood and resentment towards her mum..... Who left her for a Man 👞 I yell too damn much and hate certain chores of motherhood .... But adore my children .
We despise her. My mother left when I was 17, my brother 15, my sister 11 and youngest brother 7. She said it was her time. None of us have any contact with her. I'm now 39 and its has been devastating to not have a mother knowing she's alive. I've battled cancer twice in the last 3 years and would have truly loved having a mom there with me.
Ok so the title made me think they are still involved in their kids’ lives, they just for some reason sleep in a different house. Nope. They just left.
@ThatOne honestly tho what could they have provided to the child if they didn’t leave . Like I swear y’all love to beat down people that choose to leave their kids but then stand with kids who are or has been living in abusive house holds . Not everyone wants kids and leaving them is better than causing a strained relationship and putting that child through a lot more than what is needed
Men do the same thing every day and no one batts an eyelid. The marriages were over and one parent had to leave. To say a father can't raise his child on his own is a deeply shitty thing to say about men.
"It's weird for a mother with her tiny baby to be miserable." I had postpartum blues with my first. I was suicidal, but I had read about postpartum blues and could identify it, get help, and wait it out. I suspect some of these mothers had it worse than I did.
My mother was always cold, distant and abusive. My worst fear is if I have kids I'll take on her parenting traits. I'll die before that happens. So I won't have kids until I find myself and who I am. Edit: I am so overwhelmed reading the comments under this and I'm so forever grateful for all the people who are sharing their stories and also wishing me well. I wish the same for you all (and anyone reading this). For anyone who feels the same as me, or is now a mother who has a similar history I have so much respect and love for all of you. Going through this journey of healing, sometimes it can be really hard, seemingly impossible to see the light at the end. But I'm only 20, so I'm fairly young and still figuring things out. It gives me hope that some of you are mothers yourselves and have better relationships with your kids. It means there's hope for me. Thank you all :')
Your description of your mother is why I’m not judging these women. Staying in their children’s lives fully while not wanting to will lead to them being cold, distant, and possibly abusive to the children.
@@bigmona2741 Exactly! This push for women to be mothers like it's their only purpose is damaging to mothers and their children. My mother married young and had a lot of trauma growing up, and I try not to resent her for the pain she put us through as I've grown to realize she was a victim herself. However I won't make the same mistake. These mothers choosing to not live with their kids was for the best, who knows what they would have done or how they would have acted towards their children if they stayed and continued to feel trapped.
I totally understand regretting having a kid... But it's really hard for me to sympathize when they know they regret their first and still get pregnant again.
I think access to birth control is not always a guaranteed thing, especially when they were having children. It used to be that doctors required the husband's permission for a prescription or sterilization surgery, and these things require money, recovery time, etc. And especially with people with more conservative religions, birth control may not have even been a socially acceptable option.
My mom fought really hard to get custody of me and my siblings (which she did), but I knew very well she did not enjoy the task of mothering. She did what society told her to do, “fight for your kids”. But she’s broken, depressed, and unhappy because of it. Which resulted in ongoing child neglect and eventually abuse. I wish she just gave up, we all would have been better off.
Same. My mother is like that... oddly enough just towards me - the bastard she had out if wedlock. She was 32 and didnt know or thought to use an effing condom.
I have so much respect for people who know that having children is not for them. There are loads of people who absolutely shouldn't have children, but they do.
Yep. Some of them should not have had children, but people are shocked when they don’t support mothers and then they leave. Women are expected to shoulder the burden alone without complaint.
@The Nothing these women were married and in stable relationships when they had children. Your "argument" makes zero sense. You seem to have an opinion on women's reproductive rights and that's fine, but that's not what this video is about.
The saddest feeling in the world is to grow up knowing you're unwanted. I carry many scars and have never achieved true closeness with anyone. Not even my own children. I love my children dearly, but I always feel as if I'm not enough and that they will one day leave me too. I always thought that I would be the June Cleaver type but I learned I wasn't. So I got a job. And I return home to my children every evening. And I shower them with love with the hope that they will not be broken adults like me.
Motherhood is not for everyone. As a stay home mom, I tell our adult kids, “find your dream and try to live it”. My dream was to be a stay home mom and I have no regrets. Now, it is time for me to support our kids in pursuing whatever their dream are. It takes a lot of courage for these moms to come forward. I applaud you.
@@Shineynsparkles She'll figure it out. She sounds like the kind of person who is good at figuring things out. She figured out mothering better than most people.:)
@@Shineynsparkles Thank You for your concerns. No one really knows what one will exactly do if and when one becomes a widow. I will continue in my current community senior citizen projects. As far as the kids not wanting me to live with them. Who said, I want to live with them. Right now, I am enjoying time with hubby & caring for my 82 y o widow covid long hauler mom. Just buried my paraplegic brother who died of COVID. Find your joy and live it, life is short.
It sucks to say it, but I wish my mother left us. On the rare occasions she went away for a few days or weeks it was like a black storm cloud dispersing, like a weight had been lifted off our shoulders. She always blamed me, the oldest, for all the problems in our family, and yet whenever she was gone me and my dad and my brothers got on fine. It was so chill. We didn't fight *once*. When she came back, it was fighting all the time, literally as soon as she walked in the door. I think that speaks for itself.
You say that from one perspective, however, you could be a total fkn wreck with issues of abandonment if she did. I was abused by dad and wished him dead but I also turned out fkn awesome as a result of his shit.
This video is a perfect explanation of what happens when a person has a baby then has no support. It’s a lie that anyone can survive completely independently: we all rely on each other, especially when raising a baby for the first time. I’m not surprised these women left. They all experienced extremely traumatic situations and had to leave to survive.
@@mariyaa111 One of the important things I learned in life is not to judge someone, if I don't know their story or haven't had their experience, but show compassion and try understand them.
I experienced this at 19 years old. My daughter will be 11 in September, she prefers to live with her father and step mom. I’ve learned to be ok with it because it was never about me in the first place.
What do you mean it was never about you? Your life is obviously all about you, otherwise you'd be selflessly taking care of your responsibilities and the CHOICE you made to have a child.
@cockoffgewgle4993 I did selflessly took care of my kids and husband. And now I see at the age of 50 that my life is wasted on them . I don't belong to them . They don't belong to me. I don't know how to get separated and live as all my life I was the mother and the wife.
My grandmother hated my mom. She is literally the source her most painful moments in her life. My mom often told us stories of how horribly she abused and used her as a child and young woman. So because my mom grew up without her mother's affection, she made it a goal that when she has kids, she will give them so much love. I was blessed to be one them. My mother is the most wonderful mother in the world. God bless her. We're five and she is personally close to each of us. I tell her my secrets that I don't even tell my siblings and close friends. When my sisters and I meet potential significant others, we tell mom first and seek her advise and opinion before telling anyone. I have one brother and he also shares his deep feelings with her. She loves being a mother. I'm saying this to say that there are different outcomes of situations. Just because one grew up with terrible parents doesn't necessarily mean she will be a bad parent. That could rather turn you to be the best parent just like my mother.
I think that, I have been a great mother. I got sick and turned into my mother. I hate being like her. I have not been a good mother to my youngest. My illness keeps me as a broken mother. I love children, I just don't have the energy my child needs. I used to run, jump, and play along with them. I didn't enjoy my own childhood but, I definitely enjoyed theirs. ☺ My youngest enjoys all the toys, gifts, and clothes, I can afford but, she needs a healthy mother more than things.
This is exactly my story. My mom never told me she loved me or cared for me. I never had a bond or a good relationship with her. She told me she wanted an abortion but she only kept me because my dad wanted. When I was in elementary she constantly told me I was a disturbance in her life, always called me lazy, and useless. Just like her I got pregnant at 18 and had my son at 19, just like her. But I made it my #1 goal in life to never have my child feel like he's not loved and worthless. I try to be the best mom I can be. Everything else comes second. I'm so glad to say, just because we've never been shown a mother's affection it doesn't mean we can't mother and love our children and give them everything we've always craved. I'm so glad your mom became the best mom for you and your siblings, you're right it could have gone the other way 💖
I'm a mother of 2 now adult children. I cannot find room in my heart to judge these women. My heart goes out to them. Not everyone is cut out to be a parent.
@@pibbles9 I don't see judgement. I see truth, just like everyone is not meant to be married or will be married, every state of being is not for everyone. The thing is, its hard to be sure until you are in it.
I always tell people, my mother is a good person, but a bad mom. Fortunately, my father is a fantastic dad. Parental instinct isn't a gender thing, it's a personality thing.
@@bevcrusher4177 I mean it's probably a combination of both but at least in my case, personality was a huge factor. My mother has good "character" (volunteers at food banks, helped a lot of kids in my area with legal issues, etc) but personality wise, she just not a nurturing kind of person.
@@bevcrusher4177 People can have *personality disorders.* Some people are born with Narcisstic personality disorder for an example. To claim that "personality has nothing to with it" is *ignorant:* Personality disorders effect how people raise their children and it can cause life long childhood trauma. Go look up the Ted Talk video "How Childhood Trauma Effects Health Across A Lifetime" for more information on how exactly a parent with a personality disorder can cause life long trauma for their children for the rest of their lives.
But thank goodness your mom was still willing to have you. You are just as important as anyone else. I feel like this video is trying to discourage women from having children.
Rebecca had postpartum depression, Nataly had a traumatic childhood with her mom, and Maria lost a child and fell into depression. I feel such empathy for all 3.
All three of the women seem to have some trauma. One lost a child to cancer, one herself was abandoned by her mother and one sounds like she had postpartum depression. There’s also a different from not having full custody and see your kids on the weekend like many men do and just leaving them.
@@lillightbolen2172 I doubt it was her choice. She probably left the Hasidic community, which meant leaving her family. She's no longer welcomed so she was forced to. That may be why she doesn't have some sort or partial custody as she could have had she not been part of the community to begin with.
So many people have trauma, though. I think these women's stories are more common than we think or see. These women just had the courage to leave when they knew motherhood wasn't for them.
@@nomadicam these woman are still mothers and it sounds like they were just not the primary parent. Which men do all the time and they are still called fathers. It’s just so uncommon for a woman to not be. Most times when that happens there’s a reason.
Motherhood is often a thankless job and much harder than many will admit. So much is not just instinctual or built in and the guilt that comes with not knowing, not being able, or not wanting to..is incredible.
This is so sad. I told my daughter and my son that they don’t have do anything that they don’t want to do, they don’t have to get married or have kids or be in a committed relationship. I just want them to be happy.
That’s amazing, I’m being pressed to have kids cause I’ll be 30 soon & I don’t want kids, I want to focus on my mental Heath & I don’t wanna pass that down another generation.
I grew up with a single dad and saw my mother very occasionally. I think if you don't want to be a mother figure then don't have children. Feeling unwanted was a massive problem in my childhood and teen years and I believe there is a real element of selfishness in women/men who bring life into the world yet don't wish to care for any life other than their own.
Postpartum depression is very real as are "baby blues." It helps to have help you you have kids. As for the Jewish woman, she went through so much with her own mother, now it is as if the cycle is repeating somehow. The women who told her that she had nothing to offer anyone are horrid people.
I know 2 male coworkers who aren’t in their kid’s lives. Whenever someone hears that they always assume their girlfriend/wives were nags and b*tches and that why they left. Not having custody is so common with men people don’t even bat an eyelash anymore. It’s so rare among women most people assume there must be something wrong with her.
I think maybe that just depends on the perspectives you're hearing. Generally I think there's a lot of judgment on men for being losers and bailing out on their kids. Maybe not among their best friends but in the general population that's not as acceptable as some people on here seem to think it is.
The reason it seems normal for men not to have custody of their kids is because family court (at least in US) is so biased toward mothers, even horrible ones. That's why when women don't have custody, the question everyone is likely asking is: "How horrible of a mother is she that even family court wouldn't give her custody?"
I don't want children and it's totally ok for women to not want children, I feel for the children who deal with their mothers leaving. I lived with my dad when my parents divorced but it was very difficult emotionally that my mum decided to leave her children.
@@susanharris6888 it's not a win it's a different type of loss. A parent who has no interest parenting is not good for the child but having a parent leave also causes damage. Years of therapy and lots of heartache are endured either way, at least that has been my experience.
my mum was abandoned as a baby by her mother. only met her at the age of 7. she was never able to bond properly or feel 'motherly' towards me. I was abandoned in a different way as a result.
We need to normalize not having children if we don’t want them. I wanted to be a mother and have raised my kids. But that isn’t the case with all women. It’s selfish to have children and then abandon them whether you’re a man or a woman.
@@SapphireMist888 but moral obligation apart you cannot force intimacy from parent to child or even vice versa. It should be a natural organic thing, not forced or endured to satisfy a societal value when the woman knows at her core she is not suited for traditional motherhood. In nature some animals eat their young; in reality some mothers lise their shit after giving birth hormones awry. It is not like you can give them back aftef going through with the choice thst maybe was never a choice but an obligation
Exactly. I’d love to see a video chronicling fathers who leave because they choose to not provide for their families and then a comment section full of applause like this one. It’s sad.
@@bertram9852 bruh this has got to be the worst comment section ive come across in a minute. as a child of a woman who left her when she was 12, I feel like Im being gaslit lmfao. The logic of the people on this thread is toddler level. Apparently only dads can be deadbeat but women are just 'finding their own happiness.' Their logic is that because woman have unfair societal standards put on them that it isnt just, abandoning your children. Its BRAVERY TO GO AGAINST CULTURAL NORMS. They believe that 2 parent homes are simply cultural norms and have no value. unbelievable. Its all women touting this shit and im female myself.
So conflicting. What they haven’t addressed is that pain and detachment is a childhood trauma wound that gets passed down to their own children. The effects on their own child is lifelong. Very difficult, and very sad.
@Ciel Phantomhive As a child that suffered this similar abandonment...'what I'd prefer' is adults to 'adult' - taking 100% personal responsibility for their own trauma and doing the inner work needed for healing, not blaming or deflecting responsibility - it will be the GREATEST gift they'll give to their own children! Thankfully, we're a trauma-aware family and we choose for generational trauma to end here!
If anyone is interested in some awesome books that deal with the effects of trauma and how it affects us at a cellular level - highly recommend these ones: "The Primal Wound", by Nancy Verrier "The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma", by Prof Bessel van der Kolk "When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress", by Dr Gabor Maté "It Didn't Start With You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We are and How to End the Cycle", Mark Wolynn "What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing", Dr Bruce D. Perry and Oprah Winfrey
@@please.665 Your comment reminded me of something I had read in the book, "The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child", by Nancy Verrier (written back in 1993). While I wasn't adopted, parental abandonment (in its many forms), is felt life-long. It's a subconscious sensation that always felt within and never able to quite identify. Upon opening the book, part of one reader's review expressed this observation so eloquently, and it's one I've quoted many times. He writes....."she [author] verbalized the intangibility of all that an adoptee feels and is unable to express".
@@meekainc I understand. I spent time in the hospital with Spinal Meningitis. It fractured bonds with not only my mother but also my siblings (I am the only child between my mother and father). And there are many mothers who are guilty of favoring males. I was a people pleaser for the longest. I am not mad at anyone. I know the hospital was really the key, having to work out at 6 that I was gonna die, and the kids I passed in the hall were dying. But never, in a million years, for whatever reason, would I walk out on my child...and thats emotionally, as well.
I just have to say some of these women's stories are indeed sad and raising a child is never easy, but I think it is a tragedy when either parent leaves thier child.
All of their relationships were ending. One parent was going to need to move out, and one parent was going to get primary physical custody. When they were so miserable, and unhappy with their lives doesn't it make sense they would volunteer to be the parent to leave/not have primary custody. They all recognized that they were not mentally well, and so it was in the best interest for the children to have their father's receive primary custody. The women still have relationships with their children, and at least two of them said that their relationships with their children are much easier, happier now.
One thing I applaud is the raw honesty of saying how hard it was raising a child, and feeling like you lost the life before you, and realistically how many people feel similarly but cannot express it or seem like bad parents.
@@please.665 even then, would you rather a parent who is 100% present but either emotionally and/or physically abusive, or emotionally unavailable, or a parent who can be able to give you their full attention and love when they do see you or call? In the perfect world we wouldn’t have this problem.
@@lea9977 I agree. It is best they left. But they shouldn't bring "if I were a man." They aren't. They are women. Men do not hold the child in them for 9 months. MOMMAS BABY DADDYS MAYBE. But either way the children suffer long term. It has life long consequences for them emotionally. Even when a child is adopted at birth, the feelings of loss are still there. It's a void.
@@lea9977 I would rather have been aborted than be in a world where I’m not wanted, nobody should have to live like that. There’s a lot of life with them she’ll miss only seeing them now and then. Neglect is a form of abuse.
Those feelings are natural: nothing wrong with expressing them. What is wrong is creating a life and abandoning it. That creates emotional scars that will affect that kid forever.
righttt like i understand the moms are doing whats best for themselves but i can’t help but feel bad for the children they probably think it’s their fault or something. (i would feel the exact same way if it were the dads too)
oh, bullshit! Do you seriuosly think the children don´t feel the unhappiness of their mothers? Children feel it and they blame themselves. My mother didn´t like being a mother and I can assure you I knew and it damaged me. Having an unhappy, stressed out, maybe depressed mother is not good for children.
As a child of this situation, it’s really like you can feel the unhappiness and I am sad that my mom left but I’m happier that she did because when she was here she was always miserable and fighting with my dad. Now that I’m older and around the age when she met my dad I can see that after she had my brother I think she realized if she kept living the way she was she was going to have to let all her dreams and hopes die. So I understand why she left, and as a grown adult I now realize you have to stand up for what you want your life to be like.
All of these women chose this out of some type of trauma: Losing a child Moving to a foreign land Arranged marriage Then throw being young and having kids I could empathize with them. I do wonder the flip side of the coin about the children.
The woman who moved to Estonia and the one who had an arranged marriage both said that when they see their children now their relationships are much easier, more typically mother-child relationship. So for them, they probably benefited from this relationship even if they see their mother less often.
I understand these women, I do NOT enjoy mothering 24/7 but when I complain people judge me. I love my children and spend everyday with them but I can’t help but feel sad I can’t be me anymore or have any alone time.
Realistically, idk how much that has to do with children. I'd argue that there are people who never have any kids who still end up wishing they would have spent more time being "themselves" or that they had set aside more time for their personal passions and self care. That being said, you can't really say for sure that not having children would have destined you for a more fulfilling individualized life experience because you just don't know how that time would have been spent. How things would have played out. No one can say. All you can do is take the time that you have right now and do what makes you happy. If you don't think you're dedicating enough to yourself, don't focus on the fact that you have so many responsibilities as a parent. Remind yourself you are still an individual person. You are beautiful. You contribute lovely things to this world. You are worthy of the same consideration and love that you give into your kids. If you're struggling really hard right now, I know my message may seem rather insensitive. I promise it is all coming from a kind place; if I was your friend I would only want to sway your outlook and leave you a little happier than I found you as.
I’m not judging you, mama! Being a mom sucks big time! I have 11, and I’m practically an expert on the drudgery, pain, and monotony. It’s lonely and it’s heartbreaking. The milestones and wins are hard to come by. Of course we love our kids. But it’s damn hard. My only qualifying statement is that as they age, they become interesting and fun people. And as they age, you will find you again, or create a new you. Hang on and know that people who judge you for complaining were already judging you for everything else. So don’t get hung up on the mothering part.💜
@@jiltedlittle6868 I Felt the same way she did after I had my son.. I lost who I was. However, I was diagnosed with Hashimotos thyroiditis and it was really bad, after radically changing my diet, I felt more myself. and t3 thyroid hormone. so not feeling yourself after kids is real thing, I can empathize with other mothers and let them know they aren't alone.
to add to this, I am actually more myself now. I am much more free and I appreciate things more.. My son really opened up a whole new world for me.. You may end up feeling this way in the future, or not, either way, you can totally find joy in being a parent.
That is truly great. I am sorry for your loss, and wish you a lovely life with your daughter. I wish her success, wealth, and both of you a prosperous life. Ameen. Also, inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raajioon.
I was raised by my dad when my mum passed away when I was 7 and my sister was 1, I love him so so much, he is an amazing dad and ‘mum’. I’m sure you’ll be an amazing dad and ‘mum’ too! 🖤
Yes! Exactly. I do want kids but I don't understand why people try to convince women who don't want them to have them. It's better for those women to one day wish they had kids (and possibly adopt) then to have kids and regret having them.
I appreciate their honesty in admitting they’d been forced into roles they didn’t want or weren’t prepared for or suited for Why is it such a big deal when a mother doesn’t live with her children but a father not living with his children is commonplace but no one bats an eye
How about instead of thinking about how the parents are perceived you actually cared about how the children feel. Abandonment knowns no gender. Deep down I think you know this.
It's better to admit you're not a good mom and step back. It's the ones who don't wanna be involved but won't admit it. Wound their kids over and over. Getting their hopes up
Its not about being a good mom. Its how much the mom would sacrifice for her children to love them and raise them. It’s the selfish types that step out of mothering because all they care for is them selves.
Iana I think it's more selfish to let a little kid stand at a window and wait on broken promises of showing up, only calling sporadically, manipulating the kid and making up excuses as to why you were absent. Claiming "love" when really mother's day and sometimes Christmas are the only times you'll actually go out of your way to bother with the kid. Parading them around and getting a little social media clout. I'd much rather those kind walk away. The kids get a normal childhood in spite of the mother's absence because there are more that love them. While a mother's absence can't be replaced it's survivable. It causes more emotional pain to constantly stand a kid up and play house with them when ya feel like it. I was a step mom and watched it. Felt helpless and because I didn't want the kid to hate me, I played along with her excuses and reassured him I was sure she loved and missed him n something might of happened that she couldn't come right away. Watched him thrive in her absence, no fake I miss you phone calls .and barely ask about her. And when she would decide to bother with him she'd just rub salt on his wounds when she did. It's either be a mother or don't. If I felt I couldn't do it I would walk away from my children. But I can and I never will. I'll never forgive that barbarian for that. She should have walked away and stopped breeding. He would have forgotten about her when he was the little.
@@Lana.N.7 Sometimes, it's a lot more toxic to stay knowing you don't want to be there. Society pressures women to have kids, and they think it's what they're born to do. Once they realize no matter what they do, it's not a good role for them; it's too late. It's not about being selfish. I have heard of moms who develop mental health issues, including becoming suicidal because they stayed.
I cant help but think even if i were to step back they would search for me. Maybe they would remember the kisses and hugs. The dresses and bows. The presents and cake. And wonder where the lady went who made all of that into reality.
@@erk44 kids will be fine if they're loved and wanted by other family. I have fully witnessed a small child suffer at the hands of a mother who would do that on her terms and make calls and never show as she told him she would. It was very painful. If you are not decided on staying please at least make sure you follow through on those promises. It's a horrible thing to watch. I think at some point all moms go through this. It's just a matter of deciding to go or making it the best situation possibly while you stay.
As someone who overcame severe postpartum depression I feel these stories with my whole heart, this could have been me. I'm so thankful for having a partner who didn't cage me and force me away...
Much about postpartum is still unknown. I don't have a history of trauma and tested negative for any vitamin deficiencies. If doctors could learn "why" and prevent it so many women & babies would be helped
Omg same. Mothering is so freaking hard and throw in postpartum...I legit had dreams those first months of just running away but then I’d look at my daughter and my heart would break if I left her. Same with my husband. I loved them both so much and they were the reason why I was able to get through it. Yes I was honest with my husband and he was right there with me helping in any way he could to give me breaks and me time and got me to counseling etc.
I think the big difference in all these stories about “non-custodial” mothers is that most of them are still very involved with their children, and it’s more of a co-parenting arrangement. Fathers who aren’t in their children’s lives are much more Mia.
This. Most never see their kids on weekends or help out financially. "Non custodial mother's" are still more involved than a lot of "present" fathers are. My parents split when I was a child, but even when my father was around, he had a very hands-off approach. It's so sad how imbalanced parenthood is between the sexes.
My personal experience was my mom “parented” from afar. She called my dad in the middle of the night to get us. He did. She then went into arrears with child support (only paid $40 a month for 2 kids)
"still very involved." Lol. They said they see each other a few times a year. I wonder why the father and the kids are not questioned. I think we miss some important detail.
I think it depends I mean for one there are definitely MIA moms and two there are a lot of dads who don't have primary custody who are very involved with their kids. My dad was. My parents split when I was young my mom got full custody but my dad was quite active in my life, he never remarried or had other kids either. To this day I am close to both my parents. I agree that moms generally do more parenting (I think this is highly due to the nature of things) but to blankly state that fathers who aren’t in their children’s lives are much more MIA is wrong it really depends on the case.
I can only imagine what it's like to get off work and not have parenthood responsibilities. Please enjoy your life, savor it. I certainly wish I could.
It must be a real taboo because I cannot take it even though I understand them. As a mother, I feel suffocated every day, and it was so much worse during the first years. I experienced motherhood as something boring and not really rewarding. But I don't want to know what it is like to be without Emma. She didn't ask to be part of this world; I asked for her presence. So I have a huge moral obligation towards her. She needs me, she loves me, she is attached to me. But on the other hand, I admit these women are brave to show their faces to the world. And they left their kids with their father, not a stranger. I am not sure how their kids will feel about this, though.
I totally agree with you. Growing up in a family like mine was not easy. I took the decision not to marry nor have kids, but it happened. When I found out I was pregnant at the age of 27, I wept so hard, that I thought I might lose my mind. When my son was born, the father and I broke up and I was left with a baby I didn’t want in the first place. For 2 whole years I struggled with being emotionally present, but I took care of my baby. The father and I reconciled and even got married. I love my family and can’t imagine being without them. I still struggle, but I do what is needed. I get that these women left their kids behind, but I think it’s selfish of them. Not everything is about what we want. Life is about sacrifice and I will sacrifice my life for those I love. I want my kid to have a stable upbringing and become a stable young man.
Children don't want their parents to be miserable, and they understand when they are the cause of it. What a terrible thing to do to a child--to force them to live with a parent that THEY KNOW doesn't want them. That's emotional damage you can't undo. Were you not listening to these women? You must have been too busy judging them.
The Israeli woman’s family essentially told her your only worth is from a man. That is sad. That is the saddest and most infuriating shit. All these stories are very interesting.
@@JV-wi4dz We are human, what makes us special is that we are not entirely dictated by our biology. Think of all the things you do that has nothing to do with procreation.
@@kiarakoo4220 I attain stability through wealth (moderate) I attain stability and health through physical, mental, and spiritual exercise, I attain resources through self-discipline and physical, mental, spiritual labour. Why? To acquire/retain a female who does the same, to pass on both my ancestors genes and hers, and tradition and culture that comes with our genes. Anything you do outside procreation is vapid individualist hyper consumerist chaff, not even chaff because at least chaff plays a role as fertilizer for next years growth.
@@JV-wi4dz My point is only that part of what makes us stand out from other animals is that we make choices contrary to our biological drive to procreate. If you don't want to that is your choice. Live and let live my friend.
I totally understand not having that mommy instinct, I never went through the overwhelming urge to produce a child. I never felt capable of being the mother I'd need to be. Now in my 40's and the world being what it is, I say daily that I'm so glad I never had kids.
I’m 55. You and I are from the same mindset. I’m married now to a wonderful man and he has one adult child from previous marriage but we both are glad we don’t have kids together.
I never had the overwhelming urge to have kids and I certainly never envisioned marraige but all of a sudden one day out of the blue I woke up and turned in my bed towards the person beside me whom I would feel comforted by and loved and I shocked and deeply saddened because nobody was there! I had no one. It was a fathom feeling. That's when I realised I wanted someone in my life ! I found love and was married within the year and now i have been married 22 years and very happy. We produced two kids and although I never imagined having them, I do and thankfully I never fell for that whole motherhood and marraige is beautiful because I am able to be real about my emotions and thoughts. I never painted that story. I dont wear masks and dont pretend to the point where people think I must be just being funny I'm not. I don't want to say love comes natural but as I am. a person able to love, I love my kids bit nothing comes natural.
I never had an urge to have children either. Here I am at 39 with 18, 3 & 2 year olds. The instinct luckily kicked in right away for me. Have friends that didn't though. One friend confessed to me that she didn't know if she loved her daughter until she was around 3. Best wishes 💐🌻🌵
Being a mother is incredibly challenging. I often feel my identity is no longer mine and all I am is “Mommy”. I love my children more than anything. I sacrifice myself everyday to make them happy. It’s hard work everyday.
Part of my fear is that I’m not done taking care of myself. And I’m not ready to put myself on hold for kids. Therefore I’ll be a terrible mother.Until I conquer certain fears,🥺Mothers have a huge responsibility because you’re creating the future of this earth.
I feel the same way and if I were to do something for myself or buy something or need a break I feel like I'm wrong for doing it yet I feel like I deserve that and need that to be the mom I am. However I don't do that and push thru sometimes stay up all night in the bath just to shave and shower and watch some RUclips videos hahaha. It feels like they're going to be gone so quickly and I don't want to miss anything don't want to mess them up but don't want to loose me or who I am either. Motherhood is so challenging! It's really mentally a really BIG struggle sometimes.
Learn to love yourself first in your own life. You are the most important person in your life, then comes everyone else. Sacrificing oneself is victim mentality
You should never just be “mommy” what if your kids were taken away what would you be then? If you live in the USA or the UK the state can take your kids away instantaneously if they feel like it regardless of whether you’ve done anything wrong or not live for yourself protect yourself not others
Good to hear you have a good adoption family 😊 but this can happen to any woman, a woman who decides to adopt can still ‘regret’ it afterwards, a woman who really wishes to be a mother can not prepare for a postnatal depression. So it is kind of harsh to call it life sentence 😢
@@AbcAbc-qu6dl those weren’t “ my “ words. I know there are horrific adoption stories as well. Myself, l never had any maternal urges and never had children. I am thankful l didn’t feel the need to fulfill society’s expectations. I know in my bones l would have resented motherhood and its demands. Rather be thought of as selfish, than impose that on a child.
I’m a dad work from home and take care of my two daughters. My wife is a doctor and work at a hospital all day. The world changed... there is nothing like mothers stay home and dads go out to work anymore. You do what you gotta do to be a happy parent... better see your kids once twice a month than everyday and be a bad parent...
@@randomstuff3839 It's not always about the effort. I'm at a point in my life where I'm trying to accept myself for who I am and what my personality is like. I had a loving and caring fulltime mom. A great example. But I just can't be like her. I love my kids. I love to teach them about life. And the Corona Homeschooling part was great. Years ago I also enjoyed taking them to Uni with me. But finding Joy in playing and caring for them 24/7 like my mom did... I just can't do it. I feel guilty for not being able to. I literally don't want to put them in school or Kindergarten all day. I don't want the grandparents to look after them all the time. But sometimes I just keep wondering if it would be better. Less time but more qualitytime.
@@randomstuff3839 some trauma and personal issues need to be worked out away from the eyes of children. It can be just as traumatic and harmful for a child to see a parent trying to “deal”. Children usually suspect they’re the reason their parents are hurting and that creates a toxic cycle
People in the comments are acting like they left their kids in the woods to fend for themselves. Hello? They left them with their fathers. Fathers =\= abandonment? When relationships don't work out, one has to leave. If the dad is better suited to raise the kids, why not let him do it? 🤷🏻♀️
@@JillyBean_1987 I don't think leaving the kids' household automatically means being off the hook? Like, paying child support is a thing? And visitation? Why do people get so double standardy when it comes to moms? If a dad leaves that's no big deal, but if mom does it she's a witch? It's crap. Life is way more complicated than the holy mom stereotypes make it seem. Sometimes living with mom is not in the best interest of the child. Why can't we support each other instead of shitting on each other?
I was abandoned by mine. Over and over and over. Raised by wonderful grandparents. Finally in my adult life. I told her- no more. She does not abandon me any more.
I just want all mothers who feel like this to know that when my own mother did this to me, i hated her for it, i needed her with me and she just left. Whilst i hated her i understood later in life that she made the right decision for me, because she could have easily decided to end my life and she almost did because she was suffering with severe depression and felt like she had no way out. So she saved me by leaving me i guess
@@robinson4061 i suffered endlessly throughout my childhood because she left, at the age of 5 i was washing graves for sandwiches and slept in graveyards until my grandparents finally found me and my sister. I guess we were lucky, we lived in turkey at the time so we didn’t freeze to death sleeping outside. As hard as it is to forgive, it is even harder to live with the pain of feeling neglected. I decided to forgive my mother, i had the chance to speak to her a few times over the phone and we started rebuilding our relationship, unfortunately she died not long after.
@@biancat7761 but they don’t want to see the child. They don’t want the child. They felt pressured to have said child. Seeing said child gives them stress and regret. I’m not sure what’s hard to comprehend here. They don’t want the situation in it’s entirety. Now I feel bad, but this is not a feelings discussion.
@@Jojo-pv3uf you're completely wrong. Each of the women in the video see and know their children,they just don't have custody. I don't have custody and my children know that I'm mom and I love them but it was not ok for me to raise them on my own. They're not abandoned, they're loved by hundreds of people in both of our families. They love me for doing what's best for them. Get a grip.
That’s a massive assumption. You’d think that if they did have post partum depression they wouldn’t be feeling the same way when this was filmed as they did before .. just an opinion
At least one of them had it, the girl who went to Estonia and it seems she still feel unhappy... it was for her too many changes and no sychological support. Each time that i move to another country, it takes time to adapt and it is not for everyone, it can be so overwhelming. I cant imagine the feeling of anxiety when you are also having a baby. A good family therapy whould have help them....
It not necessarily post partum depression. I’m single with no kids. If I were to get married or have a kid and we separated I’d give him the kid and pay child support without a second thought. I do not want the life of a single parent. As a woman it’s the worst thing ever but men so it all the time.
This is life changing for me. I have two children and I always wanted to be a mother and it is my joy, but I respect these women SO SO much for thier raw emotion. I love this. Thanks 🤯
Same. I have one, want 2 more. But I would love for women to take more ownership and firmly say no if they don't want them. These women had emotional wounds that are very deep, and this was probably the best outcome.
@@cockoffgewgle4993 some people were not meant to be parents. I don't support abandonment, I support real humans that know what's best for thier children - even if that means they are not in the picture. Modern women are willing to say the quiet part out loud.
@@whittdiggittayy You're wilfully avoiding the point. People don't become parents miraculously. It's a decision women make. There's no valid reason for a woman to abandon a child she actively chose to produce. She made a commitment for the next 18 years when she chose to have a child. Modern women only care about their only selfish desires, and other modern women support them in their actions. There's nothing brave or good about abandoning your child. And it's usually men, often men who didn't even want or choose to be a Father, who have to do what's required.
This was my mom. She left me in the care of my dad when I was four, and this was the best decision she could've made. My dad was the one with the parental instinct, not her, and I had a wonderful childhood.
I wish my mother did this
It is very satisfying to hear you accepted everything and grew up with no judgment and issues against her. God bless you all ❤️
My father left my brother and I when we were little, and I can say it definitely has affected especially my brother quite deeply. 😞 😞
Wow
It's great that it worked out well in your situation. 🤍
Not everyone is cut out to have children . If your inner voice is screaming No, don't do it. The children suffer.
They shouldn't have children in the first place. These women knew that they didn't want children
@@roshnik5137 That is true, but as someone who is child-free, I assure you EVERYONE constantly bombards you with "oh, it's different when they are your own" and other such nonsense. People end up doubting themselves and believing they are just anxious and that everything will somehow just change. The people who pressure child-free folks and the child-free folks who think everything will somehow just change, are both dumb, but that is (in large part) the problem. If you're not positive you want children, do not have them. It is far better to not have children than to have children you don't love.
There are other times when you love to have children, but your partner takes over everything and kills your personality completely and your soul is dying inside
@@roshnik5137 yes, except that's hard to do when society basically shames a woman into having kids the don't want. I'm surprised there aren't many more non-custodial mothers.
That is totally me....i thought i was abnormal....i married my soulmate but still NO to children...i KNEW, i didnt want to have children....in my 50's now, i never regret not having any....eventhough i get alot of bombardment from family, friends even my in-laws....i knew if i have them, the children & i will suffer
And THIS is why, when women say we don’t want children, stop saying “oh you’ll change your mind” 😠
I totally agree. I don't like kids or babies and never for a second did. I also suffer from anxiety and depression that I just about manage to keep at bay. My father keeps making this speach every year, on how I'm so mean for not giving him grandchildren and his life is worthless because of this.
Love this comment! There needs to NOT be a stigma to people who choose not to have children. Women who have kids and love being mothers need to stop projecting their feelings onto other women. It's great to be a mother and great if that's what you choose for your life. However, it's just as valid for a woman to choose NOT to be a mom, especially on this overpopulated planet. It's just really sad for the kids who were born to them. I bet these women wouldn't have had children if it hadn't been pressed upon them that that was the next step.
@@Me-40 thank you! i always feel there is something up with those women that need to proclaim how much they love being a mom........i always give them the side eyes b/c its weird to me.
As much as I want children not everyone wants or needs children. It's not anyone's business whether someone has children or not.
YES preach
As a nanny , I can 1000% say I’ve had better connections with children more than they had with their mom . I’ve worked with moms who need me 24/7 even though they have free time . I’ve seen children being neglected by mom , and it’s honestly furious . If you do not feel like having kids is for you after your first kid . Please do NOT have a second one . Because it’s not fair for the children .
Exactly! Kids aren’t props for a family photo. Some people should really listen to their gut instinct telling them that they shouldn’t have kids.
Thank you for being such a caring nanny, my nanny was my everything and she raised me not my mother
@@yaritzacuevas2965 aww thank you and I’m so happy you were able to experience a nanny’s love . Sorry to hear your mother didn’t raise you , I’m sure that was or is hard to deal with . But sometimes that’s okay , because a nanny is there to replace that when it’s not given by the mothers child . So I’m happy you got to experience a nanny’s maternal love . I love all of my babies I’ve worked for 🥰💕💕💕💕
But aren't they keeping you in business
@@theREALESTrealistUNPOPULAR your keeping me in yours
This is why you should never pressure anyone into the so called life script. It's not for everyone.
Exactly 💯
Hahahaha
Only one of them was pressured. The restade a conscious decision. Then it turned out that motherhood is hard and oops
Lol @ your username
Yes people should not be pressured to do things but where is the Pride of being able to say you are a single mother, why are single fathers praised and single mothers chastised, even saying that deadbeat moms should be honored and respected ties into disrespecting single motherhood, they would rather abandon their children and give the responsibility to a Single Father.
So much disrespect in being a single mother that these women completely checked out, and it should be a taboo to abandon your children as it is for men.
Why it is meant to be honorable, I don't know. Difficult things are really worthwhile. It's never easy to be a parent, great for them indulging in complete narcissism that of an absentee father- oh how far Feminism has brought my glorious gender! Praise the Lord
I truly believe whoever is the MOST FIT parent should be the one who has custody. Should not define mother or father.
That is how it actually works in most courts. Sometimes though neither are fit.
I think children over the age of 12 or are in high school should be allowed to choose which parent to live with. All others, I think primary parent should get primary custody
@@krustycrb7182 no they shouldnt
Its too easy to manipulate a teenager
Just tell them they can drink alcohol and stay in their friends house once a week and boom theyre in love with you
Bc in teenagehood we tend to seek freedom rather than logical choices
@@dlalalabu5956 This sounds like something that someone who doesn’t have a good relationship with their kids would say. Letting the kids choose is only opposed by the ones who wouldn’t be chosen
@@krustycrb7182 i dont have a kid smh
I do have a teenager cousin tho
Sometimes being a good mom, means realising you're not a good mom.
So true!
Its something that comes with lesrning and practice
God if only my mom realized that.
@@Ratsoftheswamp My dad and mom got together after she got divorced so she had three preteens already before they had me. My older siblings (technically half-siblings, but that distinction doesn't matter to me) have told me they didn't believe my dad was a good step dad to them and my dad admitted that he wasn't ready to have kids when he and my mom chose to keep me, an unexpected pregnancy. I honestly wish my mom's ex husband had raised me. My bio dad had PTSD and problems he should have sorted out before choosing to be a parent. The really crazy thing is that a couple years after they had me, my parents decided to have ANOTHER child. It was a pretty bad choice...
I think we shame people too much for not being able to be parents and then they feel like if they conceived the kid, they have to be the one to take care of it. It'd be better for everyone if we just let them admit that they can't handle it and provide more avenues for them to transfer custody to someone else. It's hard to trust adoption agencies given some of the scandals we've seen so I feel like more action needs to be taken by each community and the government to ensure that people know the children will be safe.
I wish we'd get an interview with the children, ti see how they feel about their relationship with their mother.
This is the only question I’m interested in, honestly.
@@postlukecore Honestly. One woman said that her relationship with her son was awesome because they could do any & everything they wanted when they wanted to, but I wonder how the son feels about his mother only seeing him what(?) a couple times a year. I dont think that creates and sustains a good lasting relationship. I wished interview the children now & then after they have children, to see if their opinions have changed or stayed the same.
Yeah, I was wondering the same thing. My mom chose not to raise me when I was 10 and although I respect her decision and I realize it doesn't mean she doesnt love me or that it was easy for her, there was and there still is a huge hole there in my life and I have some "mommy issues" which makes relationships difficult for me & I was sent to my grandparents who didnt want me either so yeah, I can see how something like this could go wrong.
But I think perhaps there is a way to make it a healthy relationship if there is open communication or visits; which I didn't have so I am curious as to the other side of this, the mothers seem to be happy in their decision but I wonder about the fathers and the children. I would feel the same way if a father decided not to raise their children too.
@@postlukecore I’m actually interested in both, as female health for the obvious reasons is the corner stone of every society, and what tips the balance between it being a healthy society or a toxic one, which is what we have had thus far (and exactly because we have been ignoring female health).
Unfortunately, this doesn’t seem like a healthy dynamic for society to accept and adopt as a whole if what the science has been saying about children needing secure attachments from parents that are physically and emotionally available is correct. For the daughters of these mothers who have chosen to physically separate themselves, what sort of female health will this manifest in to when these daughters become women and/or mothers themselves? The answer is not separation but more resources, more community, a village. For mammals, such as elephants whose young need 24 hr around the clock care, the females in the community take turns caring for the young. When this care is not met, the young elephant suffers emotionally and physical. I can imagine, the implications this can also have for us humans as a species. Due to the lack of support and even pain these mothers have experienced in their childhood and in everyday life, I understand why they left. I get it. But to say we need to “rethink” this idea of motherhood to fit your pain and your circumstances, no. This dynamic is not ideal for a child, the next generation.
I so appreciate their honesty. This is exactly why I've chosen to stay in the Cool Auntie Club. Not everyone is meant to be a parent; just like not everyone is meant to be a spouse, or banker, or doctor, etc.
Thank you for being responsible and knowing you couldn’t do it, there should be more ppl that think like you...
@@sharonlee_333 Let’s not assume MissARB “couldn’t” do it. I think all she’s saying is her preference was to “not” do it. “Couldn’t” and “don’t want to” are not synonymous
cool auntie club all the way. I even work with kids and love it but do NOT want my own
Exactly. I just don't have that mentality to be a mother. It's hard for me to take care of myself, so why would I want to add a child into the mix. Plus, I like working, and I think I'd go insane if I had to stay cooped up inside with a crying baby all day. But it's sad how I'm seen as an oddity whenever I tell them I don't have kids. Especially on Mother's Day. I'm just not financially and mentally stable enough to have one.
@@tiajoseph7309 You only get one life. You have every right to live life the way YOU want to. Don’t listen to those busy bodies. They get their own life. You get yours.
It’s okay to not want children or to get married. The most important thing is that if you do have kids your children should know they are loved & wanted. Issues of Abandonment are one of the hardest things to over come for anyone. Those issues trickle down into every relationship you have in your life.
Agreed!
Absolutely true. Even at 50 it still hurts and is confusing.
Absolutely I've been the child in this scenario, it is emotionally scarring.
But none of these children were abandoned by their mothers
@@-Suie- abandoned is exactly how it feels
If the child is better off with a parent more than another parent, that should be the most important consideration.
Hopefully, that was the case with these families. They didn't say much about the fathers...
Yep
@@noemi5225 these mother’s are clearly disconnected from their children. They need a parent who can’t see their life without them.
Or both parents could step up instead of making excuses to be a weak absent parent without feeling guilty for it
Ex my meth head mom abandoned us "for our own good." No lol, her reason is b.s.. She left us because she is weak, and chose meth over her children. She made the choice to be shitty. She and parents like her should be held accountable instead of us settling with "well at least there's one parent, that's better than the other parent"
Because parents *choose* to be good or bad
happened to me and I accepted ,I only want his happiness
It’s kind of wild how humans constantly force themselves through situations they KNOW are wrong. Moving to a different country, walking down the aisle with a man you don’t love, having children. I wish we were all strong enough to just say no.
*Women. It's disproportionately women who lack the strength to say no, because we are taught from birth that saying no is bad, mean, etc. We are taught the opposite of sticking up for ourselves: that a good girl does as she's asked and doesn't talk back, doesn't question. Just give an adult a hug, regardless of how uncomfortable it makes you. Don't talk back when your father bullies you. Etc.
It's all very well to say no when there are other viable options. Nothing to do with strength. Sometimes strength is staying until you're able to leave and succeed.
@@Asme1111-t8h Very wise words
@@katcampbell9213 hard won wisdom. Thank you for the kind comment.
I am privileged, live in a modern society and break many norms as it is. And I still feel a huge pressure to have kids, as this is seen as truly successful and natural. It is so much more than just saying no. It is a human thing to believe others know something we don't, that there has to be something we are missing out on. Or why would parents constantly try to convince non-parents you "never regret having kids" and "when you become a mother, you feel fulfillment as a woman and human". And if you still persist you don't want it there has to be something wrong with you and ppl can even get mean saying "then get sterilized if you hate kids so much, you don't deserve to have any" and "oh grow up, life is not about going out drinking and being selfish" (like that is the only thing a life without kids can be) I would be a good parent. It's just not a priority. But I can so, so much see how ppl are convinced to do it.
The common theme here is all these women needed love and support and didn't have it.
I completely agree.
To the point 👍
True.
But then they went on and did that to their children... not exactly the same, but it was a degree of abandonment nonetheless.
exactly, each one of them describes feelings of loneliness, not knowing how to parent, and even not having friends or family like the woman from Estonia. I also think some of these mothers could even be battling some post natal depression
My son's father and I truly share custody. They went to Alaska from Arizona for 4 months and people FREAKED OUT. Like, it's not like I shipped him to a stranger. It's his FATHER. Men do have equal ability to parent, you know.
This
I think this is fine!!! You’re not an absent parent. You care.
And your kids probably have such an exciting fun time going from AZ to Alaska!!!
A this is sooo ok. That is responsibility. This whole video is a child abandonment normalization. "If I was a man, I woupdnt be interviewed". Seriously?
They sure do thats why after 7 years of trying my hardest to get my daughters father to do his part i have cut him off. He was a single father when we met...to 2 kids. Down the line we had a child and he is a loser. He knows how much work it is so now im gonna do the best I can as a completely single mother.
Hi everyone, my name is Nataly and I am one of the mothers featured in this documentary. You may ask me anything (respectfully) in the comment thread and I'll try my best to answer. What people may not know about me is that I am not a non-custodial mother by choice. I was the primary caretaker for our children, and settled after years of legal battles because the legal bombardment bankrupted me financially and emotionally and I could no longer stand the aggresive legal attacks. The children's father has 4 more days a month than I do, which makes him the custodial parent. I am very involved, and I am class mother, PTA volunteer, and an Integral part of their lives. My children and I speak every single day when they're not with me. They regularly get to see their grandparents, aunts and uncles. At first I was very ashamed about being a non-custodial mother, and that is why I started my organization Amazing Mothers Without Custody to bring awareness that there are other mothers out there like me. I did not become a non-custodial mother by choice. I love my children, and my world centers around them. However, I am making the best of a terrible unfortunate situation. My goal is to break the stigma associated with non-custodial mothers because we do not all fit the stereotype.
the ONLY thing your children care about, no matter what form it comes in, is your consistent presence in their life. Children are equally intelligent and simple, if you love them they know, and if you don't care about them they know that too. It's clear you fit in the former category.
My mother left when I was 2 and I didn't see or hear from her again until I was around 16. So much of my pain and poor self esteem and lack of identity could have been helped if she had simply picked up the phone once in a while or sent a birthday card every year or just done SOMETHING. Just a small thing would have spoken much, that she did love me, that she didn't forget about me, that I was important.
The last thing I want to say is just keep an open dialogue with your little ones. Be an environment that they never ever have to second guess if they should speak their mind or not, in this endeavor you will always be able to have positive loving conversations with them about their individual needs they feel aren't being met. These two things, I think, are the secrets to raising well adjusted humans. You're doing great momma, keep going.
Thank you for taking part in this important film Nataly and thank you for your honesty.
How old is your kid/kids currently
Hi Natalie I am one of the non custodian mothers also my ex after a few years of him having custody of my kids he cuts ties with me I didn't see or talk to my kids ever since I am trying to adjust
Do you feel this documentary painted you in a bad light? (hi BTW) it's just none of that was mentioned (the legal battle) and it seems that may have been intentional to fit their narrative (?). Also, another point if I may, would you do anything differently? Thank you in advance ❤️
Postpartum depression is also a reality. I think all of these women felt it, along with feeling rejected by their own families, etc.
I was thinking the same thing. Maternal mental health really needs to be addressed and taken care of.
Yap i have a friend whose mum gave full custody to the dad because she had severe postpartum
That was my instinct. Also, to be fair, they all had some trauma that could have exacerbated postpartum or manifested as PTSD. I particularly related to the woman who was stuck in Estonia. I had my first child at 18, and my second at 19. While pregnant with my second, I had to leave my husband because of his violent temper. After giving birth to my daughter, my family and I had to make secretive arrangements to fly from my home of California to Colorado. Not exactly another country, but at 19 with two babies, and post C-section, it might as well have been. It was the most bizarre mental anguish I went through. However, my babies were the ONLY good thing, and while it was a difficult living arrangement, I was doing it for them as well as myself, so there was that.
They have postpartum because motherhood (in our current society) is an isolated task. It should never be 100% the women’s part to raise children. We need more community based approaches that eases the workload for all mothers. I think then, there would be a lot let depressed mothers.
While I understand what you’re saying, there are women who have partners, and who are married, and still experience postpartum depression. Just as this video showed, 2 of the women were married and still developed depression and possibly postpartum depression after giving birth. Someone’s martial status has nothing to do with mental illness.
If a woman realizes she is not interested in mothering full time, the best thing to do is to leave the child in the care of someone who wants to be a parent. I grew up knowing that my mother did not want to be a parent and the resentment I felt took me YEARS to heal from. I don't judge these women at least they are being honest and while it it likely hurtful or confusing to the children, it is probably less hurtful than being in the presence of an angry, resentful and potentially abusive parent.
Agreed! Very well said!
@American Ajumma I'm grateful that I've found sufficient healing through forgiveness (not condoning or making excuses) and embracing the strength I have gained along the way and can now share with other. I hope you have a good support system, there are a lot of taboos around this topic, it's important to have 1 - 2 wise and trusted people in your life to lean on and trust me, that works wonders
One 👏🏾 more 👏🏾 time 👏🏾 for 👏🏾 the 👏🏾 critics 👏🏾 in 👏🏾 the 👏🏾 back.
If a woman realizes she is not interested to be mother, dont get pregnant and if accident happens consider abortion.
Sorta....only 1 was placed in a situation where she didnt really have a choice....1 had a traumatic loss.....but the 3rd should not have had a child to figure out she didn't want a child.
"Nobody loves their husbands when they get married." God, I can't even imagine the suffering the women in that community must be going through.
Ah well, ain't that the beauty of the culture of arranged marriages combined with social/family pressure of great magnitude? Happens in the majority of non-western societies as well, if you are sent to university/college you are lucky 😊 at least the aunties won't bother you right after finishing secondary education with a list of 'potential candidates'
I also can't imagine marrying someone you don't love, who doesn't love you, and isn't your idea of the perfect candidate for a friend. 😱
The look on her face in her wedding pictures broke my heart.
I know a girl in her 20's who had an arranged marriage. Her parents would not let her marry her previous bf. Years into her marriage, she was still very unhappy.
I'm an orthodox jewish woman. Met my husband at the age of 20 (he was 23). We were "set up" by my aunt. We went out on probably about 10-15 dates, dated for about 6-8 weeks, and then got married a few months later! Though I definitely "liked" my fiance before we got married, I can't say we were really "in love" at the time. Now, almost 11 years later, we are still very happily married and beautifully suited to each other. This system of courtship may seem strange to many, but it works in the majority of cases. And no, I am not suffering, I am thriving. Just thought I'd add my two cents. (And by the way, I am also NOT expected to be "elated" and "joyous" all the time about mothering my four children- it can be very hard and people in my social circles with kids understand and sympathize!)
The girl that was told “you don’t bring anything to the table, you need to marry him.” That broke my heart and made me angry for her.
Yeah that was nauseating to hear. I feel so terrible for her. 😪
She DOESNT bring anything to the table and that’s clear. She’s a complete failure
It's such a spiteful thing to say. I feel really sorry for her too.
@@newona4313 why do YOU get to decide who's a "failure"? Everyone is worthy of being themselves. Things like social status don't matter when it comes to the quality of a person.
@@newona4313 🤣😂🤣😂she could have left it at being an abandoned child herself. We have all been told all sorts of things.
My mother was not a mothering type so I never learned how to be a mother and I never wanted to be a mother. So I wasn't. Best decision I ever made.
Good for you for doing what is right for you❤
My married cousin also chose to be child free. Her and her husband are also teachers (they like kids). They are content with their decision and seem just as happy as everyone else in the family.
Well put. I feel like even tho I didn’t get a motherly mother either (and instead got an abusive one) I would still know how to be a mother myself, since I am naturally loving and caring towards children (without being overbearing or too permissive tho; there’s a balance). I’ve been a teacher for the past 10 years. However I am still not that pressed about having kids, and so I ended up child free too. It’s seriously just never been a priority for me, I came into this life with other missions and tasks, with another kind of work to do.
My mother was not a mothering type which pushed me to want to be the best mother I could be. I wanted a big family. I had two children and very quickly realised I couldn’t be a good mother to multiple children. I knew my limits and stuck to them. I still wish I could have had that big family but it’s not in my make up. It wouldn’t have been fair to any of the children. Women need to listen to their own instincts. We know what’s best for ourselves.
Good for you for breaking that cycle! The world would be better off if most people had introspection.
Raising children is incredibly difficult. I don’t know how single parents do it when in some cultures children are literally brought up by the entire community.
My parents are moving to where me and my husband live, to share a big house with us, to help us raise our children. My husband’s parents, and his uncle and aunt, and two of his cousins and their children, also live on our street. So quite literally, we are a large family community, all on the same land, all raising our children together. Because it’s so hard raising kids!! So there will be 6 grandparents, 5 adult children, and our 7 children. And we KNOW that all our children will be better for being raised in such a large family community. It’s such a HUGE blessing.
Most single lower class women have enormous feminine support from their Moms, Aunts etc.
It is incredibly difficult, but the love for your children carry you through, and you'd do it all over again in a heartbeat!
@@shanimarais9695 Honestly, I became a single mother at nineteen. Would I do it all over again? Yes, with the right support system, in a healthy marriage and enough emotional capacity. I wouldn't want to do this all over again the way I'm doing it now tho...
I have 4 so proud of raising my children by myself, God helped me 🤗🥰😷🙏
I honestly wish my mom did this.She hated being the full time parent. But she did it because that’s what moms are “supposed to do”. She did the bare minimum of parenting. She also made it very clear she was counting the days,weeks and months till my 18th birthday. As an adult I understand that she had issues bigger than me. But as a kid I felt worthless and unloved.
I am so sorry, Brooke! You are so loved and so unique. God makes no mistakes, and I hope you know that YOU ARE WORTHY! Jesus loves you and is desperate for a relationship with you. People on this earth will always disappoint and let you down. Turn to Jesus, not RELIGION, Jesus! 🙏🙏🙏
@@brooketaylor6226I can’t thank you enough for your kindness. With prayer and therapy I was able to heal. It’s so crazy that you suggested finding Jesus but not religion. Because once I gave up “religion” I was finally able to connect with Jesus.
@@brookew2403 You are so welcome!!! I feel like everybody is going through anxiety/restlessness right now... but through Christ we will get to the other side! You are what your bloodline has been waiting for... you’re breaking generational curses and setting the stage for this next season of your life! Praying the blood of Jesus over you and your loved ones! ❤️
You never asked to be brought into the world. : ( This situation is so sad.
same
Soooo are we not going to talk about perinatal/postpartum depression, depression, and grief in these? Why is still such little support for us women going through this??
I was thinking the same thing, maybe they needed help and since this is a taboo then they felt leaving it was the right thing to do. Men do this too they think they kid will be better with the mom because they think they are not good enough to raise a child and they don’t want That responsibility. Bottom line is a child needs both parents reality is is not always possible!
Was thinking the same. Rebecca and some sound like they had post partum depression
I think this is beyond postpartum depression. These women never had a desire to have kids. So it's not surprising they didn't connect once they had them. Yes there should be more acknowledgment about PPD, but wrong video to use for that argument.
That's not what this video is about. Two different scenarios.
@TpyoQueen agreed. I was thinking about how Nataly was literally just expressing much of what her mother went through, and un-addressed & repressed traumas
I was raised by my Father. I saw my mom when I wanted to but I never lived with her. It was the best thing for me. I have a great relationship with both parents.
Thank you. I was raised by my dad too.
Me too
There it is, very simply put: Things changed; my mom moved out; My dad raised me, but I could see my mom when I wanted.
The child is faced with a change in circumstances, and adapts. When parents both want “custody” the drama and the awfulness begins and it’s usually about $$$$!
I wish my mom had done this. She always felt so responsible for us but she was so miserable that she made everybody miserable.
My dad was a meth addict and my mom is very much an adult child herself. I wonder how things would have went for my sister and myself.
“She always felt so responsible for us” well she is your mother... lol
Exactly no point being around if you are negative
FACTS
@@beeninthisfandomlongerthan9500 I know, but when you have someone that is constantly miserable with her life, you stop understanding why TF they’re even around you if they always make comments about missed opportunities due to having kids. I guess only she understands it 100%.
My mother very often told me she didn’t want her children and I felt so unloved and unwanted- she was being honest and now I understand forced motherhood is unfair to the mother and especially the children
She was pressured into being a mother. As cold as it is to say, motherhood is a choice. Even if it involves sexual assault, a victim chooses to continue the pregnancy if they become pregnant and they choose to keep the child
Whilst it was unfair for her, still have to remember you're allowed to feel hurt. That's not something a nice person would say, personally for me. It may not 100% be her fault, but it was the cards she was dealt and chose to treat you like that.
I'm really sorry you were put in that situation.
@@valenciaing.4316 they victim doesn't always choose to keep the baby. For example the pro-birth movement in America trying to take that right away from women. And other countries that made abortion illegal.
@@valenciaing.4316 in the country I'm from its actually very difficult to have the right to have an abortion. Not even extreme poverty is enough of a reason.
Damn. She could’ve kept that to herself… you’re still her child
I grew up with a horribly abusive father who told me I was useless and beat me till I was raw. I wondered why he had children. When he died I only felt relief. I wish he had left.
Some people are just not meant to be near children. Sorry, that was your experience Ralph.
People guilt me for saying that I’m waiting for my dad to die so I can feel relieved. I’m glad to know I’m not the only person who can feel that way.
@@dj_bae please connect with the proper authorities and/or a safe person and space. I pray for your peace and safety.
I'm sorry Ralph that happened to you.
GOD 😩 to feel relief says a lot about how he made you feel. I’m glad you did.
As someone whose mother gave up custody and barely visited throughout my childhood I am actually very grateful that she just allowed my dad to take me. He is the most loving person I know and plays the role of dad and mum seamlessly. She has her own kids now but I haven't spoken to her in years.
Ty for telling your story. This video makes it look like everything is ok now but the truth is these woman will some day no longer have freedom. They will be too old to care for themselves and too old to have fun. They will find themselves alone and their children will forget them. Sad but maybe these woman deserve that lesson.
My mother is my best friend. She literally had no time for anyone but us. We were always her priority and sometimes that makes me feel guilty. Now that she's older, our roles are reversed and I take care of her and try to give back as much as I can.
GOD BLESS YOU, I'M BLESSED TO HAVE A WONDERFUL DAUGHTER AND SON,THEY SAID THAT I'M THE BEST MOM IN THE WHOLE WORLD, AND THAT IS FANTASTIC BECAUSE MY OWN MOTHER, NEVER GIVE ME, LOVE, SHE WAS VERY RESPONSIBLE, SHE WORK AND GIVE ME FOOD AND SHELTER, BUT NEVER GIVE ME LOVE, HUG ME, KISS ME, OR TALK TO ME WITH THE INTEREST TO REALLY KNOW ME, I FEEL ALWAYS AS A BURDEN FOR HER AND MY BROTHERS, BUT ONE ONLY THING I HAVE A BIG GRATITUD, SHE ALLOW ME TO STUDY, AND LEARNING IS EVERYTHING, I DECIDE THAT I WOULD BE THE BEST MOM FOR MY KIDS, AND THE BEST DAUGHTER FOR HER.
@@yourhighness4746 That's the best thing you can do; provide for your children what you should have received. You will all benefit from your doing the right thing
That’s the situation with my mother and my grandmother.
@@yourhighness4746 good for you!!!
Same ❤️
Editors: it’s okay to hold on a speaking person without cutting away to random videos and images every 2 seconds. The facial expressions of the speaker will say a lot more than unrelated clips. The video was so hard to watch for me so I gave up.
Yeah i would agree its unsettling the quick changes and the random clips are not needed
Agreed. It was distracting and disengaging.
damn I was thinking the same thing and I have the same name!
Was about to give up when I read this
Yes! What on earth possessed them to make that choice? It took what could have been a beautiful vignette and made it difficult and cringe-y to view.
Post partum depression. Cultural expextations. Loneliness. Isolation. Too much pressure and no supportsystem for these mothers. Tragic💔
Yup 💯
Tragic... for the kids.
Tragic for both. They think that it just wasn't meant for them when in reality it could if they had the proper support. Tragic for the kids who could have had better mother had they had the tools available to them
Smh you all missed the point of this video. Rn you’re sitting here saying the only explanation for why they didn’t want the children was a chemical imbalance. Weren’t you listening? They didn’t wanttttt kids. They never wanted kids. They never wanted that life.
If it was a man you wouldn’t think he had to have a chemical imbalance to not want kids smh. Completely missed the message.
Could they be experiencing some of that? Yes. Is that and a lack of support why they failed to succeed as mothers? No. They never wanted to be one in the first place
that is the reason why I think it is so harmful to have kids just because you think this is expected of you, and when they're here, you realize that you never wanted them.
Two of these women may have been dealing with postpartum depression and the other with grief. I wish they could have gotten the help they needed. I pray they are all healthy and happy now.
I agree especially the woman in the grey she had it for sure so sad
That's exactly what I though when she started to describe how she felt
It seems like they just didn’t want motherhood.
My thoughts exactly. I wonder if they might have had a better experience with their families if they had gotten the therapy and support they needed. Of course some of their situations might have been more complex than that but i found it concerning that PPD/PPA or PTSD weren’t even acknowledged. I think people are becoming more aware of it though.
I thought the SAME thing!! I don't think they had the tools they needed. They were severely depressed.
I knew in high school that I wasn't going to marry or be a mother. Got those right. 63 and no regrets.
I had an inkling at 17 but it was whilst working in a nursing home with a lovely lady in her 80's who was childless, that I knew I was going to do my best to avoid it.
42 and no kids. I like hanging around those in my family as they can be a lot of fun but I LOVE handing them back to their parents at the end!
Sad...
I have no regrets either..
I was married for six years and so glad I left. I am 63 also, divorced for 35 years and no kids. It was a waste of time being married!
I like you Diane.
“If I was a man I wouldn’t be in the interview” that says a lot actually
Deep…
It’s because a woman not wanting their children is an exception. It’s not just because of societal pressure, we give birth to them, we have a lot invested. I say this as a woman. I don’t want to see this normalized. Mothers & fathers are both important, and I don’t think either should want to walk away. How can we? What about them? 👀 When I 1st became a mom, it felt alien to me. But there’s no way I could just walk away. Same with my husband. It’s a hard job, but it’s worth it.
@@noelc2 Well for some ppl it isn't worth it. Society should stop pressuring ppl to have children. It is not for everyone and never was.
A true statement.
@@geezhey6124 No one is pressuring people to have kids. But if you do, don’t walk away. That’s a child who will not understand why mom or dad left. Unfortunately it happens everyday.
I’d rather this then those horror stories of mother’s killing their children or theirselves.
So true...women are expected to grin and bear through so much!!! worst case scenarios, it is socially acceptable if the father doesn't want to be present - and the poor woman is expected to be strong and raise them on her own:-(
My thoughts exactly 💯 mother's are killing their kids here in Texas like crazy....it's so heartbreaking 💔
Don't go for extremes
@@MayaNirwan it's not that extreme it does happen. google is literally free.
Exactly
I am a stay at home mother of four and I even homeschool our children. I LOVE my life but I am the first person to say this life is NOT for everyone!! We need to stop putting pressure on couples to have children!
Especially on Women who say I don't want kids. If we can take Men at face value when they say I don't want kids. Why can't we do the same when it comes Women? I Just love how Men in the comment section have so much to say, and talking about daddy issues, yeah its because their dad's fecked up, that that daddy issues shit has became a sick culture joke to these Men🙄🗑
@@sarahjohnston3325 LOL yet no one holds narcissistic mother's accountable for their abuse. But go off on men I guess.
@@RipleysSanatorium girl check your internalised misogyny please
Four kids?! Don’t you feel bad for overpopulating the world?
@@happypanda882 she is being supportive and non judgmental of these women but yet you put her and her life choices down, how very sisterly and pro woman of you🙄
I found this to be really touching and eye opening. My Mother abandoned myself and my older sister when I was 6 years old. My father raised 3 girls by himself and did an amazing job. My story is different from these but I truly get where these women are coming from.
Suprising that your father did an amazing job given the slogans "we don't leave the children, we leave the men"
@@fritzdeuces This was in the 80's my father got judged and accused of things being a man raising 3 girls alone. He turned out to be my best friend and that was the greatest thing that happened for us.
Thank you for sharing your story. Have you reconciled with your mother or is it too painful to do that
@@mlindalina1 my Mother passed away, we did reconcile before her death. I'm at peace with that, I know I will see her in a better place.
As long as the kids are being put FIRST in these situations .. then who cares who has main custody.
Exactly!
They're not though
the kids probably care...
I agree with you 💯
The kids
My mother left my father when I was a baby and took me with her. She spent my entire childhood resenting me for reasons I still don't understand. She was abusive, cold, and demeaning. She isolated me from and turned me against my father, grandparents, aunts and uncles... basically anyone else who might be able to show me what love really was. I used to pray every day that someone would figure out how bad things really were in our home and take me away, while at the same time being terrified it would actually happen and I'd lose the only family I had, so I never spoke up about the abuse but still wish I could have.
To this day I have no relationship with my father or any of my extended family, and I haven't spoken to my mother in years. I wish my mother had left, or that someone had taken me away before too much damage was done. I think she felt she had no other choice. I look at my own children, now both teenagers, and realize my own mother was never capable of loving me, and wasn't ready or able to be a parent.
Sometimes kids are better off without one or both parents. Giving birth to a baby does not make someone magically qualified to be a good mother. There are plenty of times where a mother leaving is the best thing for everyone involved.
Yep. Me, too. Yet, to this day, I long for my mother's love, and set myself up for painful disappointment over and over again by reaching out to her hoping for a different interaction. 🤷♀️
We have a few family members who have done as your Mom did. Estranged their children from their families.
It may stem from fact that my mother wanted us, well most of us, it was the days of no birth control. However, she had no clue how to take care of 7 children, so us older two girls did a lot, ..the last 3 born were 10,11, and 12 years younger..
Mom tried to commit suicide a few times. The two times were when she found out she was pregnant with the last child. My older sis and I had to help her from her attempts. We were told to not tell anyone. I was 11. Good gracious what a time.
Fast forward, and not many of us had good relationships nor did they last and it was challenging.
I am the only one of the 7 (as well as two step siblings) who is with my one and only husband. Although we had our times too.
I can and cant understand the women in the video. However, there is some empathy.... they did not abandon their children, they still see their children.
I could write a lot on this, but to deny a child their extended family is a sin. And it is a form of abuse for sure. A child needs to know they belong and are loved by many, especially Aunts, Uncles, grandparents... My heart really breaks for you. I hope you have managed a good life in spite of it all.
I feel like this really highlights how our expectations of childcare shifted. You're supposed to be a mum who takes care of her kids 24/7 and that makes some people crack, especially if they lack support. When I listen to the stories of older people in my village it didn't use to be like that - kids would be outside playing together, the neighbor comes over and chastises them for something and teaches them how to throw rocks over water, the aunt brings some food and shares it with them, the older kids walk the younger ones to school, the grandparents maybe live in the same house and loojk after them too... There was community and so so many people involved, and rarely did the mum have to take care of the kids 24/7 on her own, play with them, entertain them, etc.
This 100%
Preach
Exactly
I get so overwhelmed sometimes with my 8 and 3 year old, doing the chores, cooking the food, and also having to be the entertainer. it's worth it.. but sometimes I just need a break it's so mentally and emotionally draining, I cry for hours sometimes 🥲
Takes a village to raise a kid
I was raised by my grandmother from birth. She was the most wonderful mother a child could have. She taught me well and loved me deeply. I owe her everything.
Beautiful ♥️
I was actually going to add in many south Asian cultures children are brought up the grandparents, while the parents went out and worked
Same I was raised by my grandmother and she was the best mother
Same here. My first and only experience of true love in life. So grateful for it. Nothing like a grandmothers love!!
Us too. She saved us.
My thing is when parents have distant relationships, or "leave to be free" but then expect the kid to take care of them in old age. I have seen that alot.
The comments break my heart because I had no family no help low income loved my kids tried my best and got 0 in return would listen and hug when they cried Try to reach out to them only to get an eye roll and your weird Moms who have kids who love them are the luckiest moms in the world
@@mysticalvibe4241 I was a battered wife when my children are little and now that they are grown I have almost no relationship with them and they blame me for things that happen when they were young I wish things had turned out different
@@mysticalvibe4241 I totally understand your comment
My mother expects me to help her constantly and wasn't there for me, she abandoned me and I lived with my dad. I'm 40 now and she's on her 60s broke, mentally ill and more selfish than ever.
my husband has a mother who went "to be free" when he was 10-ish and now I'm the one who really deals with the after affects of an absentee mother. We have a 4 year old son and I feel like its really healing for him to be the support he never had.
What is noticable is that most if these interviewed woman don’t feel good after they had their babies, but kept those feelings to themself. I think it’s so important for you as mother and your children to be honest about your feelings. Weather its your family member, your husband, a friend.. and when you don’t feel understand by them. Go to someone professional.
Such a good point
Yes this is what I was thinking! Tell the truth- don't hide what you're suffering with.
I gave my son up for adoption when he was 4 months old. I tried. I knew I couldn’t be a single mother and I had anger issues to navigate. I can only hope he is okay. He’s 25 years old now.
Many adopted children would love to be able to meet their real parents as they hold no grudge towards them. If it's important to you to know how he's doing now, maybe one day you decide to look for him. It probably wouldn't be easy to reunite, but it could also prove to be very beneficial and restorative for the both of you.
You sound like a birth mother who could add some extra happiness to your grown child’s life. It’s very possible he’s looking for you. Have you considered a reunion?
You did the most loving thing a mother can and should do, put her child first, make sure his needs are met and he has the best possible life you can give him, even if that means letting someone else who is ready, able, and really wants to raise him. He is old enough for you to reach out to him and let him know that you did what you thought was best for him and just want to know he is ok.
it's interesting, sometimes the most motherly decision is that, wishing the best for your baby, knowing that he/she is gonna be better with other family.
I think you made a very brave decision.
I dont want to get married or have kids. People pressure me all the time, especially family. I refuse. I do not have the energy to care for a child. I am not made for that. I am an aunt and that is all I want. Others do not get to decide what I do with my life.
YOU GO GIRL!!! That is what I am talking about. Women who know who the hell they are and what the hell they want for their own lives. F**k society. I wish all women were as strong and brave as you. 🧡❤💚👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Same. Married but kids are not for me. Hard pass.
Same! And im an amazing aunt and thats enough for me. My brother is a single father and needs a lot of help and i dont mind one bit.
The whole idea of marriage is just nonsense. Good for you for knowing what you want.
I always applaud women who know for sure that parenthood is not for them. I have two kids (planned and wanted). I adore them and I love being a mom, and even then it is hard and takes a lot of sacrifice. There's so much value in knowing your limits and what you're willing to commit to. Whether or not you'll raise children should be at the top of that list!
It would be very interesting to hear the children's perspectives.
They most likely resent them. I hated my.mother for abandoning me
I absolutely agree and in my experience the resentment gets worse as I get older.
YES
My mum always held a reservation towards motherhood and resentment towards her mum..... Who left her for a Man 👞
I yell too damn much and hate certain chores of motherhood .... But adore my children .
We despise her. My mother left when I was 17, my brother 15, my sister 11 and youngest brother 7. She said it was her time. None of us have any contact with her. I'm now 39 and its has been devastating to not have a mother knowing she's alive. I've battled cancer twice in the last 3 years and would have truly loved having a mom there with me.
Ok so the title made me think they are still involved in their kids’ lives, they just for some reason sleep in a different house.
Nope. They just left.
Same here lol! Very misleading title.
Agreed. Why misleading title? Beating around the Bush adds to the stigma, it doesn't help it
@ThatOne honestly tho what could they have provided to the child if they didn’t leave . Like I swear y’all love to beat down people that choose to leave their kids but then stand with kids who are or has been living in abusive house holds . Not everyone wants kids and leaving them is better than causing a strained relationship and putting that child through a lot more than what is needed
Men do the same thing every day and no one batts an eyelid. The marriages were over and one parent had to leave. To say a father can't raise his child on his own is a deeply shitty thing to say about men.
I thought the same thing! Lol I was wrong. I honestly understand them though.
"It's weird for a mother with her tiny baby to be miserable." I had postpartum blues with my first. I was suicidal, but I had read about postpartum blues and could identify it, get help, and wait it out. I suspect some of these mothers had it worse than I did.
Yes, what she described sounds very much like untreated postpartum depression.
My same thought
Its not postpartum ‘blues’ Its a tragic pathology that needs serious help and intervention!!!!!!
I lived with undiagnosed postpartum depression for three years. It was hell and it definitely interfered with me bonding with my firstborn.
Exactly
My mother was always cold, distant and abusive. My worst fear is if I have kids I'll take on her parenting traits. I'll die before that happens. So I won't have kids until I find myself and who I am.
Edit: I am so overwhelmed reading the comments under this and I'm so forever grateful for all the people who are sharing their stories and also wishing me well. I wish the same for you all (and anyone reading this). For anyone who feels the same as me, or is now a mother who has a similar history I have so much respect and love for all of you. Going through this journey of healing, sometimes it can be really hard, seemingly impossible to see the light at the end. But I'm only 20, so I'm fairly young and still figuring things out. It gives me hope that some of you are mothers yourselves and have better relationships with your kids. It means there's hope for me. Thank you all :')
Wishing you luck as you heal and learn yourself ❤️
You are wise
Your description of your mother is why I’m not judging these women. Staying in their children’s lives fully while not wanting to will lead to them being cold, distant, and possibly abusive to the children.
@@bigmona2741 Exactly! This push for women to be mothers like it's their only purpose is damaging to mothers and their children. My mother married young and had a lot of trauma growing up, and I try not to resent her for the pain she put us through as I've grown to realize she was a victim herself. However I won't make the same mistake. These mothers choosing to not live with their kids was for the best, who knows what they would have done or how they would have acted towards their children if they stayed and continued to feel trapped.
@@DestinysFashion101 That means a lot to me thank you so much.
"weird for a mother with her tiny baby to be so miserable and unhappy" -- -- postpartum depression is quite common
It doesn't feel that way when you have it.
It’s extremely common but still so stigmatized and hard for new mothers to recognize and reach out for help.
Yep!!!
I totally understand regretting having a kid... But it's really hard for me to sympathize when they know they regret their first and still get pregnant again.
I think access to birth control is not always a guaranteed thing, especially when they were having children. It used to be that doctors required the husband's permission for a prescription or sterilization surgery, and these things require money, recovery time, etc. And especially with people with more conservative religions, birth control may not have even been a socially acceptable option.
@@haileyburnette137they can just not have sex then
Growing up I always felt like my mother didn't want to be a mother. She only did it because she thought she had to.
That’s why I’ve decided not to have children.
My mom fought really hard to get custody of me and my siblings (which she did), but I knew very well she did not enjoy the task of mothering.
She did what society told her to do, “fight for your kids”. But she’s broken, depressed, and unhappy because of it. Which resulted in ongoing child neglect and eventually abuse. I wish she just gave up, we all would have been better off.
My sister and I have been saying what you’ve just wrote our entire lives. I was kind of thrown off by seeing someone else thinking exactly how I felt.
Same story. My mother said as much. She said she liked babies, but not children.
Same. My mother is like that... oddly enough just towards me - the bastard she had out if wedlock. She was 32 and didnt know or thought to use an effing condom.
I didn’t have that mother instinct so i never had children. Best decision i ever made i think.
Same ❤️
I have so much respect for people who know that having children is not for them. There are loads of people who absolutely shouldn't have children, but they do.
Sadly You’ll feel different when your old and have nobody to genuinely look after your best interest.
Same ❤️
@Leah613 you are right kids are not like those things they are better 🤣🤣🤣🤣.
These women sound like they had post natal depression and zilch support.
Yep. Some of them should not have had children, but people are shocked when they don’t support mothers and then they leave. Women are expected to shoulder the burden alone without complaint.
@The Nothing bruh wth? Maybe at the moment they did want children but it didn't turn out well for them in the end 🙄
@The Nothing did you even watch the video?
@The Nothing these women were married and in stable relationships when they had children. Your "argument" makes zero sense. You seem to have an opinion on women's reproductive rights and that's fine, but that's not what this video is about.
@The the not all of the women in this video were able to choose not to have children
The saddest feeling in the world is to grow up knowing you're unwanted. I carry many scars and have never achieved true closeness with anyone. Not even my own children. I love my children dearly, but I always feel as if I'm not enough and that they will one day leave me too. I always thought that I would be the June Cleaver type but I learned I wasn't. So I got a job. And I return home to my children every evening. And I shower them with love with the hope that they will not be broken adults like me.
Lookup Patrick Teahan
Motherhood is not for everyone. As a stay home mom, I tell our adult kids, “find your dream and try to live it”. My dream was to be a stay home mom and I have no regrets. Now, it is time for me to support our kids in pursuing whatever their dream are. It takes a lot of courage for these moms to come forward. I applaud you.
So what will you do if your husband passes and your kids don’t want you in their house ?
@@Shineynsparkles she will find a job?
@@Shineynsparkles She'll figure it out. She sounds like the kind of person who is good at figuring things out. She figured out mothering better than most people.:)
@@Shineynsparkles Thank You for your concerns. No one really knows what one will exactly do if and when one becomes a widow. I will continue in my current community senior citizen projects. As far as the kids not wanting me to live with them. Who said, I want to live with them. Right now, I am enjoying time with hubby & caring for my 82 y o widow covid long hauler mom. Just buried my paraplegic brother who died of COVID. Find your joy and live it, life is short.
@@Chataine91 don’t dump your trauma into the replies of people’s comments. Get a life.
It sucks to say it, but I wish my mother left us. On the rare occasions she went away for a few days or weeks it was like a black storm cloud dispersing, like a weight had been lifted off our shoulders. She always blamed me, the oldest, for all the problems in our family, and yet whenever she was gone me and my dad and my brothers got on fine. It was so chill. We didn't fight *once*. When she came back, it was fighting all the time, literally as soon as she walked in the door. I think that speaks for itself.
You say that from one perspective, however, you could be a total fkn wreck with issues of abandonment if she did. I was abused by dad and wished him dead but I also turned out fkn awesome as a result of his shit.
@@designerelise speak for only yourself.
Totally agree.
@@blupyxi5669 I'll speak as I please, control yourself, not others
Ditto!
This video is a perfect explanation of what happens when a person has a baby then has no support. It’s a lie that anyone can survive completely independently: we all rely on each other, especially when raising a baby for the first time. I’m not surprised these women left. They all experienced extremely traumatic situations and had to leave to survive.
"Had no support"?? What about the children's father's?? Who now have them full time?.
I’m sorry, but that’s total BS. They all could have asked for help if they needed it.
@@mariyaa111 One of the important things I learned in life is not to judge someone, if I don't know their story or haven't had their experience, but show compassion and try understand them.
@@Naturefan354 Clearly they didn't give enough support. Especially to Nathalie who grew up in a very patriarchal community
So now the child is motherless because it was too hard. That seems fair.
I experienced this at 19 years old. My daughter will be 11 in September, she prefers to live with her father and step mom. I’ve learned to be ok with it because it was never about me in the first place.
What do you mean it was never about you? Your life is obviously all about you, otherwise you'd be selflessly taking care of your responsibilities and the CHOICE you made to have a child.
@cockoffgewgle4993 I did selflessly took care of my kids and husband. And now I see at the age of 50 that my life is wasted on them .
I don't belong to them . They don't belong to me. I don't know how to get separated and live as all my life I was the mother and the wife.
@@LanaW123 Nah, that's just narcissistic
My grandmother hated my mom. She is literally the source her most painful moments in her life. My mom often told us stories of how horribly she abused and used her as a child and young woman. So because my mom grew up without her mother's affection, she made it a goal that when she has kids, she will give them so much love. I was blessed to be one them. My mother is the most wonderful mother in the world. God bless her. We're five and she is personally close to each of us. I tell her my secrets that I don't even tell my siblings and close friends. When my sisters and I meet potential significant others, we tell mom first and seek her advise and opinion before telling anyone. I have one brother and he also shares his deep feelings with her. She loves being a mother. I'm saying this to say that there are different outcomes of situations. Just because one grew up with terrible parents doesn't necessarily mean she will be a bad parent. That could rather turn you to be the best parent just like my mother.
Exactly.
I think that, I have been a great mother. I got sick and turned into my mother. I hate being like her. I have not been a good mother to my youngest. My illness keeps me as a broken mother. I love children, I just don't have the energy my child needs. I used to run, jump, and play along with them. I didn't enjoy my own childhood but, I definitely enjoyed theirs. ☺ My youngest enjoys all the toys, gifts, and clothes, I can afford but, she needs a healthy mother more than things.
Over parenting and smothering. Some people do the polar opposite to compensate for abuse.
Wow!!
This is exactly my story. My mom never told me she loved me or cared for me. I never had a bond or a good relationship with her. She told me she wanted an abortion but she only kept me because my dad wanted. When I was in elementary she constantly told me I was a disturbance in her life, always called me lazy, and useless. Just like her I got pregnant at 18 and had my son at 19, just like her. But I made it my #1 goal in life to never have my child feel like he's not loved and worthless. I try to be the best mom I can be. Everything else comes second. I'm so glad to say, just because we've never been shown a mother's affection it doesn't mean we can't mother and love our children and give them everything we've always craved. I'm so glad your mom became the best mom for you and your siblings, you're right it could have gone the other way 💖
I'm a mother of 2 now adult children. I cannot find room in my heart to judge these women. My heart goes out to them. Not everyone is cut out to be a parent.
What in the hell
This sounds like judgment.
@@pibbles9 I don't see judgement. I see truth, just like everyone is not meant to be married or will be married, every state of being is not for everyone. The thing is, its hard to be sure until you are in it.
I always tell people, my mother is a good person, but a bad mom. Fortunately, my father is a fantastic dad. Parental instinct isn't a gender thing, it's a personality thing.
Wrong. It's a CHARACTER thing. Personality has nothing to do with it.
@@bevcrusher4177 I mean it's probably a combination of both but at least in my case, personality was a huge factor. My mother has good "character" (volunteers at food banks, helped a lot of kids in my area with legal issues, etc) but personality wise, she just not a nurturing kind of person.
@@bevcrusher4177 People can have *personality disorders.* Some people are born with Narcisstic personality disorder for an example. To claim that "personality has nothing to with it" is *ignorant:* Personality disorders effect how people raise their children and it can cause life long childhood trauma. Go look up the Ted Talk video "How Childhood Trauma Effects Health Across A Lifetime" for more information on how exactly a parent with a personality disorder can cause life long trauma for their children for the rest of their lives.
@@rebecca8866 As a person with two siblings all raised by two parents with personality disorders, I approve this message.
But thank goodness your mom was still willing to have you. You are just as important as anyone else. I feel like this video is trying to discourage women from having children.
Rebecca had postpartum depression, Nataly had a traumatic childhood with her mom, and Maria lost a child and fell into depression. I feel such empathy for all 3.
I feel sympathy for the children that were robbed of a mother and discarded like trash.
All three of the women seem to have some trauma. One lost a child to cancer, one herself was abandoned by her mother and one sounds like she had postpartum depression. There’s also a different from not having full custody and see your kids on the weekend like many men do and just leaving them.
Nataly commented that she is still involved with her family but she did not become a non custodial mother by choice .
@@lillightbolen2172 I doubt it was her choice. She probably left the Hasidic community, which meant leaving her family. She's no longer welcomed so she was forced to. That may be why she doesn't have some sort or partial custody as she could have had she not been part of the community to begin with.
@@lillightbolen2172 That completely changes the story then
So many people have trauma, though. I think these women's stories are more common than we think or see. These women just had the courage to leave when they knew motherhood wasn't for them.
@@nomadicam these woman are still mothers and it sounds like they were just not the primary parent. Which men do all the time and they are still called fathers. It’s just so uncommon for a woman to not be. Most times when that happens there’s a reason.
Motherhood is often a thankless job and much harder than many will admit. So much is not just instinctual or built in and the guilt that comes with not knowing, not being able, or not wanting to..is incredible.
Motherhood is not a thankless job, I don't know where you live, but where I live a lot of people appreciate and love their mothers.
@@TheBestOfMaya07 It means that sometimes your kids don't always appreciate all you do. It wasn't a dig at how the world sees mothers. 👍🏼
This is so sad. I told my daughter and my son that they don’t have do anything that they don’t want to do, they don’t have to get married or have kids or be in a committed relationship. I just want them to be happy.
What is "happy" really?
That’s amazing, I’m being pressed to have kids cause I’ll be 30 soon & I don’t want kids, I want to focus on my mental Heath & I don’t wanna pass that down another generation.
@@HughMadBro still a kid yourself
@@HughMadBro If you really don't want to have kids, please don't let anyone pressure you into it. Listen to your own instincts. Best of luck to you.
How about teaching them to own up to their reality, and assume the consequences of their actions like a man or woman?
I grew up with a single dad and saw my mother very occasionally. I think if you don't want to be a mother figure then don't have children. Feeling unwanted was a massive problem in my childhood and teen years and I believe there is a real element of selfishness in women/men who bring life into the world yet don't wish to care for any life other than their own.
Postpartum depression is very real as are "baby blues." It helps to have help you you have kids. As for the Jewish woman, she went through so much with her own mother, now it is as if the cycle is repeating somehow. The women who told her that she had nothing to offer anyone are horrid people.
I know 2 male coworkers who aren’t in their kid’s lives. Whenever someone hears that they always assume their girlfriend/wives were nags and b*tches and that why they left. Not having custody is so common with men people don’t even bat an eyelash anymore. It’s so rare among women most people assume there must be something wrong with her.
I think maybe that just depends on the perspectives you're hearing. Generally I think there's a lot of judgment on men for being losers and bailing out on their kids. Maybe not among their best friends but in the general population that's not as acceptable as some people on here seem to think it is.
The reason it seems normal for men not to have custody of their kids is because family court (at least in US) is so biased toward mothers, even horrible ones. That's why when women don't have custody, the question everyone is likely asking is: "How horrible of a mother is she that even family court wouldn't give her custody?"
@@guest0407 so isn't this a step the right direction.
If non-custodial mothers become more normalized, then the courts favor will change.
@@sydney6268 it's been a lot more normalised
It’s sad that people assume that. Even if they were nags, how does that justify not being with the kids?
I don't want children and it's totally ok for women to not want children, I feel for the children who deal with their mothers leaving. I lived with my dad when my parents divorced but it was very difficult emotionally that my mum decided to leave her children.
I feel you but in the end the child wins.. rather then having to deal with mental & or physical abuse from a empty person...
I agree that getting away from the unfulfilled parent may be the only available solution but don’t think the child actually wins as Nicola can attest.
@@susanharris6888 it's not a win it's a different type of loss. A parent who has no interest parenting is not good for the child but having a parent leave also causes damage. Years of therapy and lots of heartache are endured either way, at least that has been my experience.
@@susanharris6888 what does the child win here, other than abandonment issues?
my mum was abandoned as a baby by her mother. only met her at the age of 7. she was never able to bond properly or feel 'motherly' towards me. I was abandoned in a different way as a result.
We need to normalize not having children if we don’t want them. I wanted to be a mother and have raised my kids. But that isn’t the case with all women.
It’s selfish to have children and then abandon them whether you’re a man or a woman.
Sure. All other things being equal. The reality is that nothing is equal. Choosing to have children, get married, etc aren't always "choices".
@@SapphireMist888 but moral obligation apart you cannot force intimacy from parent to child or even vice versa. It should be a natural organic thing, not forced or endured to satisfy a societal value when the woman knows at her core she is not suited for traditional motherhood. In nature some animals eat their young; in reality some mothers lise their shit after giving birth hormones awry. It is not like you can give them back aftef going through with the choice thst maybe was never a choice but an obligation
exactly! it is selfish and inhumane to have kids and then abandon them.
How is what they did abandonment?
It's not "normal" for father's to live away from their families. The fact that it is in our society shows just how far we have fallen.
I couldn't agree more
Pshh exactly!
Exactly! I thought it was a horrible comparison. So many have daddy issues and trust issues because of this behavior.
Exactly. I’d love to see a video chronicling fathers who leave because they choose to not provide for their families and then a comment section full of applause like this one. It’s sad.
@@bertram9852 bruh this has got to be the worst comment section ive come across in a minute. as a child of a woman who left her when she was 12, I feel like Im being gaslit lmfao. The logic of the people on this thread is toddler level. Apparently only dads can be deadbeat but women are just 'finding their own happiness.' Their logic is that because woman have unfair societal standards put on them that it isnt just, abandoning your children. Its BRAVERY TO GO AGAINST CULTURAL NORMS. They believe that 2 parent homes are simply cultural norms and have no value. unbelievable. Its all women touting this shit and im female myself.
It takes a village to raise a child. Raising them alone or with little support is traumatic.
Yup 😕
Absolutely. I'm only partway through this video and I keep thinking the same thing.
My mother was like that. She came from a very abusive home and it messed her up. I wonder how she found the strength to not murder my brother and me.
Agree 100% Society needs to invest more in that area somehow
Agree. I've never heard it put like that, but it is traumatic.
So conflicting.
What they haven’t addressed is that pain and detachment is a childhood trauma wound that gets passed down to their own children. The effects on their own child is lifelong.
Very difficult, and very sad.
Correct.
It's been documented that children adopted at birth still feel the loss.
These women were collectively selfish.
@Ciel Phantomhive As a child that suffered this similar abandonment...'what I'd prefer' is adults to 'adult' - taking 100% personal responsibility for their own trauma and doing the inner work needed for healing, not blaming or deflecting responsibility - it will be the GREATEST gift they'll give to their own children! Thankfully, we're a trauma-aware family and we choose for generational trauma to end here!
If anyone is interested in some awesome books that deal with the effects of trauma and how it affects us at a cellular level - highly recommend these ones:
"The Primal Wound", by Nancy Verrier
"The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma", by Prof Bessel van der Kolk
"When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress", by Dr Gabor Maté
"It Didn't Start With You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We are and How to End the Cycle", Mark Wolynn
"What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing", Dr Bruce D. Perry and Oprah Winfrey
@@please.665 Your comment reminded me of something I had read in the book, "The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child", by Nancy Verrier (written back in 1993). While I wasn't adopted, parental abandonment (in its many forms), is felt life-long. It's a subconscious sensation that always felt within and never able to quite identify.
Upon opening the book, part of one reader's review expressed this observation so eloquently, and it's one I've quoted many times. He writes....."she [author] verbalized the intangibility of all that an adoptee feels and is unable to express".
@@meekainc I understand. I spent time in the hospital with Spinal Meningitis. It fractured bonds with not only my mother but also my siblings (I am the only child between my mother and father). And there are many mothers who are guilty of favoring males. I was a people pleaser for the longest.
I am not mad at anyone. I know the hospital was really the key, having to work out at 6 that I was gonna die, and the kids I passed in the hall were dying.
But never, in a million years, for whatever reason, would I walk out on my child...and thats emotionally, as well.
I just have to say some of these women's stories are indeed sad and raising a child is never easy, but I think it is a tragedy when either parent leaves thier child.
All of their relationships were ending. One parent was going to need to move out, and one parent was going to get primary physical custody. When they were so miserable, and unhappy with their lives doesn't it make sense they would volunteer to be the parent to leave/not have primary custody. They all recognized that they were not mentally well, and so it was in the best interest for the children to have their father's receive primary custody. The women still have relationships with their children, and at least two of them said that their relationships with their children are much easier, happier now.
One thing I applaud is the raw honesty of saying how hard it was raising a child, and feeling like you lost the life before you, and realistically how many people feel similarly but cannot express it or seem like bad parents.
Thats selfishness. Most of them know this, they aint gonna hide.
@@please.665 even then, would you rather a parent who is 100% present but either emotionally and/or physically abusive, or emotionally unavailable, or a parent who can be able to give you their full attention and love when they do see you or call? In the perfect world we wouldn’t have this problem.
@@lea9977 I agree. It is best they left. But they shouldn't bring "if I were a man."
They aren't. They are women. Men do not hold the child in them for 9 months.
MOMMAS BABY DADDYS MAYBE.
But either way the children suffer long term. It has life long consequences for them emotionally.
Even when a child is adopted at birth, the feelings of loss are still there.
It's a void.
@@lea9977 I would rather have been aborted than be in a world where I’m not wanted, nobody should have to live like that. There’s a lot of life with them she’ll miss only seeing them now and then. Neglect is a form of abuse.
Those feelings are natural: nothing wrong with expressing them. What is wrong is creating a life and abandoning it. That creates emotional scars that will affect that kid forever.
I really just find myself feeling sad for the children. It’s sad when either parent bails out.
righttt like i understand the moms are doing whats best for themselves but i can’t help but feel bad for the children they probably think it’s their fault or something. (i would feel the exact same way if it were the dads too)
Same. Both of my sisters bailed on their children
exactly.. many mothers felt worst after having a baby....but never left for the sake of their children!
oh, bullshit! Do you seriuosly think the children don´t feel the unhappiness of their mothers? Children feel it and they blame themselves. My mother didn´t like being a mother and I can assure you I knew and it damaged me. Having an unhappy, stressed out, maybe depressed mother is not good for children.
As a child of this situation, it’s really like you can feel the unhappiness and I am sad that my mom left but I’m happier that she did because when she was here she was always miserable and fighting with my dad. Now that I’m older and around the age when she met my dad I can see that after she had my brother I think she realized if she kept living the way she was she was going to have to let all her dreams and hopes die. So I understand why she left, and as a grown adult I now realize you have to stand up for what you want your life to be like.
Common thread is that they have all experienced deep pain. I send them light, healing and good vibes 🙌🏾
finally, a comment that doesn´t make me want to hurl, thank you :)
All of these women chose this out of some type of trauma:
Losing a child
Moving to a foreign land
Arranged marriage
Then throw being young and having kids I could empathize with them. I do wonder the flip side of the coin about the children.
The woman who moved to Estonia and the one who had an arranged marriage both said that when they see their children now their relationships are much easier, more typically mother-child relationship. So for them, they probably benefited from this relationship even if they see their mother less often.
Trauma? I think you mean narcissism.
I understand these women, I do NOT enjoy mothering 24/7 but when I complain people judge me. I love my children and spend everyday with them but I can’t help but feel sad I can’t be me anymore or have any alone time.
Realistically, idk how much that has to do with children. I'd argue that there are people who never have any kids who still end up wishing they would have spent more time being "themselves" or that they had set aside more time for their personal passions and self care. That being said, you can't really say for sure that not having children would have destined you for a more fulfilling individualized life experience because you just don't know how that time would have been spent. How things would have played out. No one can say. All you can do is take the time that you have right now and do what makes you happy. If you don't think you're dedicating enough to yourself, don't focus on the fact that you have so many responsibilities as a parent. Remind yourself you are still an individual person. You are beautiful. You contribute lovely things to this world. You are worthy of the same consideration and love that you give into your kids. If you're struggling really hard right now, I know my message may seem rather insensitive. I promise it is all coming from a kind place; if I was your friend I would only want to sway your outlook and leave you a little happier than I found you as.
I’m not judging you, mama! Being a mom sucks big time! I have 11, and I’m practically an expert on the drudgery, pain, and monotony. It’s lonely and it’s heartbreaking. The milestones and wins are hard to come by. Of course we love our kids. But it’s damn hard. My only qualifying statement is that as they age, they become interesting and fun people. And as they age, you will find you again, or create a new you. Hang on and know that people who judge you for complaining were already judging you for everything else. So don’t get hung up on the mothering part.💜
@@jiltedlittle6868 I Felt the same way she did after I had my son.. I lost who I was. However, I was diagnosed with Hashimotos thyroiditis and it was really bad, after radically changing my diet, I felt more myself. and t3 thyroid hormone. so not feeling yourself after kids is real thing, I can empathize with other mothers and let them know they aren't alone.
to add to this, I am actually more myself now. I am much more free and I appreciate things more.. My son really opened up a whole new world for me.. You may end up feeling this way in the future, or not, either way, you can totally find joy in being a parent.
@The Nothing 🤦🏿♀️🤦🏿♀️🤦🏿♀️
Single dad here of one daughter. Mother passed away 2 years ago. I love raising my daughter and Watching her become her own person. It’s a privilege.
I’m so very sorry for your loss♥️
That is truly great. I am sorry for your loss, and wish you a lovely life with your daughter. I wish her success, wealth, and both of you a prosperous life. Ameen. Also, inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raajioon.
So sorry for your great loss. I lost my dad last August 2nd. It hurts.
Deepest condolences for your loss.
I was raised by my dad when my mum passed away when I was 7 and my sister was 1, I love him so so much, he is an amazing dad and ‘mum’. I’m sure you’ll be an amazing dad and ‘mum’ too! 🖤
“I would rather regret NOT ever HAVING kids than REGRET HAVING kids for the rest of my life.” 💔
i might be currently pregnant with my 1st and i never EVER EVER wanted kids, but in my specific case I can't imagine living life without one
Yes! Exactly. I do want kids but I don't understand why people try to convince women who don't want them to have them. It's better for those women to one day wish they had kids (and possibly adopt) then to have kids and regret having them.
💯
True 👍
Same! I've always thought this too.
I appreciate their honesty in admitting they’d been forced into roles they didn’t want or weren’t prepared for or suited for
Why is it such a big deal when a mother doesn’t live with her children but a father not living with his children is commonplace but no one bats an eye
How about instead of thinking about how the parents are perceived you actually cared about how the children feel. Abandonment knowns no gender. Deep down I think you know this.
It's better to admit you're not a good mom and step back. It's the ones who don't wanna be involved but won't admit it. Wound their kids over and over. Getting their hopes up
Its not about being a good mom. Its how much the mom would sacrifice for her children to love them and raise them. It’s the selfish types that step out of mothering because all they care for is them selves.
Iana I think it's more selfish to let a little kid stand at a window and wait on broken promises of showing up, only calling sporadically, manipulating the kid and making up excuses as to why you were absent. Claiming "love" when really mother's day and sometimes Christmas are the only times you'll actually go out of your way to bother with the kid. Parading them around and getting a little social media clout.
I'd much rather those kind walk away. The kids get a normal childhood in spite of the mother's absence because there are more that love them. While a mother's absence can't be replaced it's survivable. It causes more emotional pain to constantly stand a kid up and play house with them when ya feel like it. I was a step mom and watched it. Felt helpless and because I didn't want the kid to hate me, I played along with her excuses and reassured him I was sure she loved and missed him n something might of happened that she couldn't come right away. Watched him thrive in her absence, no fake I miss you phone calls .and barely ask about her. And when she would decide to bother with him she'd just rub salt on his wounds when she did. It's either be a mother or don't. If I felt I couldn't do it I would walk away from my children. But I can and I never will. I'll never forgive that barbarian for that. She should have walked away and stopped breeding. He would have forgotten about her when he was the little.
@@Lana.N.7 Sometimes, it's a lot more toxic to stay knowing you don't want to be there. Society pressures women to have kids, and they think it's what they're born to do. Once they realize no matter what they do, it's not a good role for them; it's too late. It's not about being selfish. I have heard of moms who develop mental health issues, including becoming suicidal because they stayed.
I cant help but think even if i were to step back they would search for me. Maybe they would remember the kisses and hugs. The dresses and bows. The presents and cake. And wonder where the lady went who made all of that into reality.
@@erk44 kids will be fine if they're loved and wanted by other family. I have fully witnessed a small child suffer at the hands of a mother who would do that on her terms and make calls and never show as she told him she would. It was very painful. If you are not decided on staying please at least make sure you follow through on those promises. It's a horrible thing to watch. I think at some point all moms go through this. It's just a matter of deciding to go or making it the best situation possibly while you stay.
As someone who overcame severe postpartum depression I feel these stories with my whole heart, this could have been me. I'm so thankful for having a partner who didn't cage me and force me away...
Me too, found out four days before giving birth that I was pregnant, it was so hard I sank into depression my partner has been helping
Why did you have postpartum depression ?
Much about postpartum is still unknown. I don't have a history of trauma and tested negative for any vitamin deficiencies. If doctors could learn "why" and prevent it so many women & babies would be helped
Omg same. Mothering is so freaking hard and throw in postpartum...I legit had dreams those first months of just running away but then I’d look at my daughter and my heart would break if I left her. Same with my husband. I loved them both so much and they were the reason why I was able to get through it. Yes I was honest with my husband and he was right there with me helping in any way he could to give me breaks and me time and got me to counseling etc.
@@calicocritterscrafts886 Did you plan for this pregnancy ? Prepare? Educate yourself ? For what duration ?
I think the big difference in all these stories about “non-custodial” mothers is that most of them are still very involved with their children, and it’s more of a co-parenting arrangement. Fathers who aren’t in their children’s lives are much more Mia.
This. Most never see their kids on weekends or help out financially. "Non custodial mother's" are still more involved than a lot of "present" fathers are. My parents split when I was a child, but even when my father was around, he had a very hands-off approach. It's so sad how imbalanced parenthood is between the sexes.
My personal experience was my mom “parented” from afar. She called my dad in the middle of the night to get us. He did. She then went into arrears with child support (only paid $40 a month for 2 kids)
"still very involved." Lol. They said they see each other a few times a year. I wonder why the father and the kids are not questioned. I think we miss some important detail.
Yes these stories are one sided ;with no fathers who aren't in their kids lives/Mia's as society doesn't give support to them.
I think it depends I mean for one there are definitely MIA moms and two there are a lot of dads who don't have primary custody who are very involved with their kids. My dad was. My parents split when I was young my mom got full custody but my dad was quite active in my life, he never remarried or had other kids either. To this day I am close to both my parents. I agree that moms generally do more parenting (I think this is highly due to the nature of things) but to blankly state that fathers who aren’t in their children’s lives are much more MIA is wrong it really depends on the case.
i'm so grateful to be childfree. best decision of my life
The happiest senior I ever had pleasure of hanging out with said not having kids was the best decision of her life.
@@sidehustletips thanks for this comment. I always wondered how older people felt about the decision.
I can only imagine what it's like to get off work and not have parenthood responsibilities. Please enjoy your life, savor it. I certainly wish I could.
It must be a real taboo because I cannot take it even though I understand them. As a mother, I feel suffocated every day, and it was so much worse during the first years. I experienced motherhood as something boring and not really rewarding. But I don't want to know what it is like to be without Emma. She didn't ask to be part of this world; I asked for her presence. So I have a huge moral obligation towards her. She needs me, she loves me, she is attached to me. But on the other hand, I admit these women are brave to show their faces to the world. And they left their kids with their father, not a stranger. I am not sure how their kids will feel about this, though.
This is exactly how I feel as well. Can’t live with and can’t live without 😭
I totally agree with you. Growing up in a family like mine was not easy. I took the decision not to marry nor have kids, but it happened. When I found out I was pregnant at the age of 27, I wept so hard, that I thought I might lose my mind. When my son was born, the father and I broke up and I was left with a baby I didn’t want in the first place. For 2 whole years I struggled with being emotionally present, but I took care of my baby. The father and I reconciled and even got married. I love my family and can’t imagine being without them. I still struggle, but I do what is needed. I get that these women left their kids behind, but I think it’s selfish of them. Not everything is about what we want. Life is about sacrifice and I will sacrifice my life for those I love. I want my kid to have a stable upbringing and become a stable young man.
I relate to this comment so much.
Same. I love my son i would die for him by i knew in my heart of heart that i never want to do this again.
Children don't want their parents to be miserable, and they understand when they are the cause of it. What a terrible thing to do to a child--to force them to live with a parent that THEY KNOW doesn't want them. That's emotional damage you can't undo. Were you not listening to these women? You must have been too busy judging them.
The Israeli woman’s family essentially told her your only worth is from a man. That is sad. That is the saddest and most infuriating shit. All these stories are very interesting.
It's not wrong, that's called nature. If you disagree you're anti-nature, anti biology.
@@JV-wi4dz We are human, what makes us special is that we are not entirely dictated by our biology. Think of all the things you do that has nothing to do with procreation.
I hope she is at least paying child support. If not she is a terrible human being.
@@kiarakoo4220 I attain stability through wealth (moderate) I attain stability and health through physical, mental, and spiritual exercise, I attain resources through self-discipline and physical, mental, spiritual labour. Why? To acquire/retain a female who does the same, to pass on both my ancestors genes and hers, and tradition and culture that comes with our genes.
Anything you do outside procreation is vapid individualist hyper consumerist chaff, not even chaff because at least chaff plays a role as fertilizer for next years growth.
@@JV-wi4dz My point is only that part of what makes us stand out from other animals is that we make choices contrary to our biological drive to procreate. If you don't want to that is your choice. Live and let live my friend.
I totally understand not having that mommy instinct, I never went through the overwhelming urge to produce a child. I never felt capable of being the mother I'd need to be. Now in my 40's and the world being what it is, I say daily that I'm so glad I never had kids.
I’m 55. You and I are from the same mindset. I’m married now to a wonderful man and he has one adult child from previous marriage but we both are glad we don’t have kids together.
I never had the overwhelming urge to have kids and I certainly never envisioned marraige but all of a sudden one day out of the blue I woke up and turned in my bed towards the person beside me whom I would feel comforted by and loved and I shocked and deeply saddened because nobody was there! I had no one. It was a fathom feeling. That's when I realised I wanted someone in my life ! I found love and was married within the year and now i have been married 22 years and very happy. We produced two kids and although I never imagined having them, I do and thankfully I never fell for that whole motherhood and marraige is beautiful because I am able to be real about my emotions and thoughts. I never painted that story. I dont wear masks and dont pretend to the point where people think I must be just being funny I'm not. I don't want to say love comes natural but as I am. a person able to love, I love my kids bit nothing comes natural.
@Melluna thank you! 💚✌🏻
@@lelanacroft 💚
I never had an urge to have children either. Here I am at 39 with 18, 3 & 2 year olds. The instinct luckily kicked in right away for me. Have friends that didn't though. One friend confessed to me that she didn't know if she loved her daughter until she was around 3. Best wishes 💐🌻🌵
We should be talking about the societal pressure put on women that they are useless unless they are a mom and wife.
Being a mother is incredibly challenging. I often feel my identity is no longer mine and all I am is “Mommy”. I love my children more than anything. I sacrifice myself everyday to make them happy. It’s hard work everyday.
Yes
Part of my fear is that I’m not done taking care of myself. And I’m not ready to put myself on hold for kids. Therefore I’ll be a terrible mother.Until I conquer certain fears,🥺Mothers have a huge responsibility because you’re creating the future of this earth.
I feel the same way and if I were to do something for myself or buy something or need a break I feel like I'm wrong for doing it yet I feel like I deserve that and need that to be the mom I am. However I don't do that and push thru sometimes stay up all night in the bath just to shave and shower and watch some RUclips videos hahaha. It feels like they're going to be gone so quickly and I don't want to miss anything don't want to mess them up but don't want to loose me or who I am either. Motherhood is so challenging! It's really mentally a really BIG struggle sometimes.
Learn to love yourself first in your own life. You are the most important person in your life, then comes everyone else. Sacrificing oneself is victim mentality
You should never just be “mommy” what if your kids were taken away what would you be then? If you live in the USA or the UK the state can take your kids away instantaneously if they feel like it regardless of whether you’ve done anything wrong or not live for yourself protect yourself not others
Makes me even more thankful to have been adopted....a truly wanted child, not a life sentence😊😷🇨🇦
Good to hear you have a good adoption family 😊 but this can happen to any woman, a woman who decides to adopt can still ‘regret’ it afterwards, a woman who really wishes to be a mother can not prepare for a postnatal depression. So it is kind of harsh to call it life sentence 😢
@@AbcAbc-qu6dl those weren’t “ my “ words. I know there are horrific adoption stories as well. Myself, l never had any maternal urges and never had children. I am thankful l didn’t feel the need to fulfill society’s expectations. I know in my bones l would have resented motherhood and its demands. Rather be thought of as selfish, than impose that on a child.
@@AbcAbc-qu6dl it depends on the child 😅 if he’s a nuissance them ofc they would regret it. That’s the honest truth 🤷🏻♀️
I’m a dad work from home and take care of my two daughters. My wife is a doctor and work at a hospital all day. The world changed... there is nothing like mothers stay home and dads go out to work anymore. You do what you gotta do to be a happy parent... better see your kids once twice a month than everyday and be a bad parent...
Or people can make the effort to change and be good parents and then see more of their children.
@@randomstuff3839 It's not always about the effort. I'm at a point in my life where I'm trying to accept myself for who I am and what my personality is like.
I had a loving and caring fulltime mom. A great example. But I just can't be like her. I love my kids. I love to teach them about life. And the Corona Homeschooling part was great. Years ago I also enjoyed taking them to Uni with me.
But finding Joy in playing and caring for them 24/7 like my mom did... I just can't do it. I feel guilty for not being able to. I literally don't want to put them in school or Kindergarten all day. I don't want the grandparents to look after them all the time.
But sometimes I just keep wondering if it would be better. Less time but more qualitytime.
@@randomstuff3839 some trauma and personal issues need to be worked out away from the eyes of children. It can be just as traumatic and harmful for a child to see a parent trying to “deal”. Children usually suspect they’re the reason their parents are hurting and that creates a toxic cycle
Huh??
Seeing your children once or twice a month is being a bad parent.
It affects the children severely
People in the comments are acting like they left their kids in the woods to fend for themselves. Hello? They left them with their fathers. Fathers =\= abandonment? When relationships don't work out, one has to leave. If the dad is better suited to raise the kids, why not let him do it? 🤷🏻♀️
Exactly
Thanks.
I agree. And when the moms are old, and the children don't wish to care for them, let the nursing home staff do it.
Why couldn't they SHARE the parental responsibilities though?
@@JillyBean_1987 I don't think leaving the kids' household automatically means being off the hook? Like, paying child support is a thing? And visitation?
Why do people get so double standardy when it comes to moms? If a dad leaves that's no big deal, but if mom does it she's a witch? It's crap.
Life is way more complicated than the holy mom stereotypes make it seem. Sometimes living with mom is not in the best interest of the child. Why can't we support each other instead of shitting on each other?
I was abandoned by mine. Over and over and over. Raised by wonderful grandparents. Finally in my adult life. I told her- no more. She does not abandon me any more.
I just want all mothers who feel like this to know that when my own mother did this to me, i hated her for it, i needed her with me and she just left. Whilst i hated her i understood later in life that she made the right decision for me, because she could have easily decided to end my life and she almost did because she was suffering with severe depression and felt like she had no way out. So she saved me by leaving me i guess
Same. My “mother” did this to us and I hated her for it.
@@robinson4061 i suffered endlessly throughout my childhood because she left, at the age of 5 i was washing graves for sandwiches and slept in graveyards until my grandparents finally found me and my sister. I guess we were lucky, we lived in turkey at the time so we didn’t freeze to death sleeping outside. As hard as it is to forgive, it is even harder to live with the pain of feeling neglected. I decided to forgive my mother, i had the chance to speak to her a few times over the phone and we started rebuilding our relationship, unfortunately she died not long after.
There's a difference with leaving and not living with the child, but having a relationship still
@@biancat7761 but they don’t want to see the child. They don’t want the child. They felt pressured to have said child. Seeing said child gives them stress and regret. I’m not sure what’s hard to comprehend here. They don’t want the situation in it’s entirety.
Now I feel bad, but this is not a feelings discussion.
@@Jojo-pv3uf you're completely wrong. Each of the women in the video see and know their children,they just don't have custody. I don't have custody and my children know that I'm mom and I love them but it was not ok for me to raise them on my own. They're not abandoned, they're loved by hundreds of people in both of our families. They love me for doing what's best for them. Get a grip.
Why is this not labeled as what it is truly is? These poor women all suffered with Post Partum Depression, and it sounds like they got no help at all.
That’s a massive assumption. You’d think that if they did have post partum depression they wouldn’t be feeling the same way when this was filmed as they did before .. just an opinion
At least one of them had it, the girl who went to Estonia and it seems she still feel unhappy... it was for her too many changes and no sychological support. Each time that i move to another country, it takes time to adapt and it is not for everyone, it can be so overwhelming. I cant imagine the feeling of anxiety when you are also having a baby. A good family therapy whould have help them....
It not necessarily post partum depression. I’m single with no kids. If I were to get married or have a kid and we separated I’d give him the kid and pay child support without a second thought. I do not want the life of a single parent. As a woman it’s the worst thing ever but men so it all the time.
Deadbeat mothers.
@@martell8560 mommy issues?
This is life changing for me. I have two children and I always wanted to be a mother and it is my joy, but I respect these women SO SO much for thier raw emotion. I love this. Thanks 🤯
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Same. I have one, want 2 more. But I would love for women to take more ownership and firmly say no if they don't want them.
These women had emotional wounds that are very deep, and this was probably the best outcome.
You respect women for abandoning their children?
WTF is wrong with modern women? Seriously?
@@cockoffgewgle4993 some people were not meant to be parents. I don't support abandonment, I support real humans that know what's best for thier children - even if that means they are not in the picture. Modern women are willing to say the quiet part out loud.
@@whittdiggittayy You're wilfully avoiding the point. People don't become parents miraculously. It's a decision women make. There's no valid reason for a woman to abandon a child she actively chose to produce. She made a commitment for the next 18 years when she chose to have a child.
Modern women only care about their only selfish desires, and other modern women support them in their actions. There's nothing brave or good about abandoning your child.
And it's usually men, often men who didn't even want or choose to be a Father, who have to do what's required.