Growing Up With A Hoarder Parent
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- Опубликовано: 26 май 2024
- Hello!
This is my personal experience growing up in a Hoarder Home.
I've always turned to RUclips to feel less alone, and when circumstances in my life brought this trauma to the surface, I realized there wasn't a video that I connected with about this...SO I decided to make the video I was looking for.
✨You are not alone with this trauma, I am right there with you✨
Helpful resources:
What is Hoarder Disorder: www.psychiatry.org/patients-f...
Why People Hoard: www.apa.org/research/action/s...
The Hidden Lives of Children Of Hoarders: www.psychiatrictimes.com/view...
Teal Swan on Hoarding: • Hoarding (Understandin...
If you feel safe/open, I'd love it if you could comment down below your experience and let's hold space for one another.
We can bring unity through a trauma that can make us otherwise feel alone!
Thank you for holding/sharing space with me... until next time! 💕
-G
(You can follow me on instagram: @gayla_kay to communicate with me!)
Chapters
00:00 - A Brief Hello
0:49 - Shame/Loneliness
1:44 - Compassion for the Hoarder
3:43 - Speaking to YOU
4:31 - My circumstances
5:42 - Things get BAD
7:11 - Parents separate
9:58 - What breaks, stays broken
11:16 - The shower breaks
13:49 - "I am the problem"
16:29 - Coming back from the wilderness program
17:48 - "the refrigerator breaks"
19:36 - Hard to function in school
20:51 - Leaving
22:36 - Ending/sharing
23:37 - Future videos!?
24:50 - Oracle card reading!
I am an only child of a narcissistic, hoarder mother and an absent alcoholic father. Just like you, I was always treated as the problem. I was an honor roll student. I never had alcohol or drug issues. I was never arrested. I was never pregnant. I was a really good kid, but my mother still thought I was a huge problem and her hoarding wasn't a problem at all.
Holy shit!!! My parent complained about me all the time and my whole house was full of junk. He shamed me for my grades, for never cleaning up after myself, for being forgetful and unorganized. I really struggled to be successful cause i needed to feel good to do good. :/ Dang guys
My heart is breaking for all of you children of hoarders.😪. But you got through it and can encourage others. But I’m sure the memories are still painful…
Exactly!!
Same here, I thought I'm special haha😂 How do you deal with it now? Does your mom want to go to therapy?
@@ZRSKAAA Now my mother is in a nursing home. Shockingly, that was her decision. She hoards in the nursing home, but she can't hoard as much. She likes to order dessert, but sometimes she doesn't eat it, so she often has about four desserts piling up as well as other food. She saves stamps from her mail and hoards the stamps . . . Her house was sold as-is with all the contents, so the new owner has to deal with it all. She just started physical and occupational therapy again, but I don't know that she's getting the kind of therapy you mean!
I've watched several videos about hoarders, but I don't find a lot of resources for people who grew up with a hoarder parent. I identify so much with your story - living in a landfill, feeling suffocated by junk junk junk, opening a closet and getting buried under all the crap that spills out, feeling unclean 24/7, being fed rotten food, feeling crazy, being so completely embarrassed of the way my house looked and smelled, having nowhere to go/be, wanting to completely disappear, being told I'm the crazy one. Ugh. I haven't been in that house in about 4 years. Fortunately I have an incredible therapist!
GoManda thank you so much for sharing your feelings, I feel so seen and understood by you.
All of these feelings are so ALL consuming. Thankfully an incredible therapist is an AMAZING find! So happy for you. I'm about 9yrs out and still I work on this trauma, but every time something comes up it is easier and easier to let it got, I'm sure you know what I mean :)
Sending love to you !!!
When you mentioned the fear of smelling bad thing, I immediately broke down. I remember one specific instance with a kid in school who made a comment about my smell (it was the scent of my home on my clothes that I didn’t notice) almost 10 years I still remember it til this day. Because of it I’ve become extremely obsessive about my hygiene. Now I get compliments everywhere I go about my fragrance but I still feel like they’re lying....I never realized how bad it was until I went to college last year and came back home for break. I was totally shook seeing the condition of the home I grew up in and how much I changed as I lived alone in my own space. It’s so embarrassing no matter how much I try to clean and sternly talk to my family they just don’t listen. I’ve reached the point where I no longer want to come home for holidays.
Sabrina, I totally get it. Stressing over hygiene and using perfumes and sprays really resonate with me. I NEVER leave the house without essential oils on...even if I've showered that day. Not believing people saying you smell good makes sense too!
I'm so glad you brought up the struggle with holidays and going back home. Thats really tough especially now!
Holidays are SO difficult, even going in the general neighborhood of my childhood home is in still feels too close.
Thank you for sharing you're similarities with me, I'm so thankful you're someone who understands! :)
Wow, I’m so sorry. When you don’t have to live this way as a kid, you just don’t understand what it’s like for those who do. Well off kids take a lot for granted. It’s not your fault.
same
@@agnosticevolutionist3567 girl what
Hey Sabrina, do you want to talk about it for a while? Maybe we could help each other out?
I’m 43, I’ve just come to realize how traumatized I am over growing up in a home that was filled with chaos. My mom was a hoarder and also I think had some undiagnosed processing disorder. My dad recently died and my mom has dementia so my brother and I have been cleaning the house out. Like dumpsters and dumpster loads. I am emotionally drained after a cleaning day. I felt both ashamed of my home and a different feeling like I needed to protect my home and my parents from ridicule from “outsiders” when you talked about poor boundaries that really hit home. I remember that when kids my age were sneaking out, I was faking being sick so I could be left home alone to sneak out bags of trash and magazines and throw away garbage bags full of dirty clothes. This would be met with either anger or me lying and saying I just organized it better and packed it in a box.
Consequently, I am a champion at packing camping supplies. It all stems from me trying to carve out a space for my self in a house full of foot paths.
Dora, thank you so much for watching and sharing part of your story.
"trying to carve out a space for myself" that really hit home. Sending you all my love.
Dora & GaylaKay- Buonna Serra!
Yes, clearing childhood homes full of clutter & taking over 40- maybe 50 carloads to various 2nd hand shoppes & animal shelters [as they can use new towels/ linens for bedding for adoptable pets & even ratty rags for cleaning the critters cages!]
As i detest the word "hoarder" (since most peeps not being surrounded by schtuuuff in their upbringing are insensitive/ judgemental of persons struggling to simplify their lives/ homes/ cars/ desks@ work, etc)* i refer to both my parents {Rest in Peace Ma'N'PoP} as "collectors"- seems like a more GENTLE label? i am only scratching the surface as i take a deep dive into My PsychE- learning to grant GracE & extend compassion to my folks who may have both been workaholics to avoid dealing with their own insecurities or anxiety? i never felt neglected/ abused or treated as a problem. i felt loved & cared for in my youth, adulthood and even@ BoTH my father's beside in 2o14- before he departed this Earthly realm & also thru 2o21 when MoM joined him. it's been a year & 9 months& i am STiLL in excavation mode. 2 weeks ago i began purging entire contents of a family biz started by my grandPoP in SandyEggo in the 1930's. We rented a "contractor dumpster" to fill with 3 ToNs of 80 years worth of old files/ records/ office supplies/ furniture/ industrial equipment/ etc. Molto Grazie my new Supportive Community! ~MicKEy~
When you said carve omg carve out a space. That's it exactly. It's like living in a cave.
I love this comment. It really hit me
I grew up in a hoarded home and I’m now (43 years old) just realizing all the trauma from it. You are so brave to share your story. Feeling shame, dirty, malodorous, disgusting, gross, confused was and at times still is my life. Realizing it was not our fault is a beautiful gift.
Thank you for watching Darcey, and sharing your empathy with me :)
I’ve been living in a hoarders house since I was 4. I’m currently 13 still in the same position. It’s really took a toll on my mental health. Every day seeing roaches lying dead in my bathroom and in our kitchen makes me wanna cry. Seeing more and more plates and dishes and cooking pans being bought every time we go out just to come home and have no where to put it has made me wanna get rid of everything. Stuff being thrown in the floor and cat throw up not being cleaned up until a few months later. So much stuff has happened living here. I find comfort in these videos since now Ive learned what this is. For so long I always wondered if it was just me. Even when I went to camp and saw a roach i had a panic attack since I was afraid i couldn’t ever escape this. I’ve been bullied most my life, some by my mom and some by kids at school. I’d come home after a hard day of being judged and see roaches in our kitchen and even more stuff being pilled up. I was always told to never tell them what we live in and what goes on in the house, not even to my therapist. Over time i developed body image issues and a self harm addiction. I would be the only one cleaning the bath. The shower situation is something I deal with too. It hurts so bad. I just want people to listen to me. It’s so obvious but they just don’t see it. I drown myself in perfume to not smell bad. It’s even so bad that my aunt never wants to come over anymore. My grandparents (the hoarders) never fix our situation with the toilet that keeps clogging. When I would tell them about it they would always act as if I was the problem. I’d hear them say that I was never satisfied, and I’ve developed a negative self image on myself. It hurts to be treated as if I am the issue. For my birthday this year, my friend came over and inside the house unexpectedly. I felt so embarrassed. The first thing they would do when CPS was being expected to come was clean in fear of losing us. The nat’s was a problem for us for so long and they did nothing. When my sister and i were younger, we were sleeping in a queen size bed with my mom (170lbs) My sister (120 at that time) and me (110 *a developing kid alongside my sister) the thing is, we had a bed in the next room that was never built. It was a loft bed that was in the next door room that was just sitting there in this room full of stuff we don’t have. One day I was pissed off and i grabbed all the stuff in that room and threw it in the pod. And for the first time I saw the floor. Sometimes I’ve felt like running away, but i know how bad that can hurt my grandparents. Sometimes it feels like I’m alone. I just have been begging to be heard, and nothing. I’ve dealt with suicidal tendencies for many years and still deal with them. But I’m glad to know I’m not alone living in this. This gives me hope for my future. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. And to everyone in the comments as well, I’m so glad I’m finally being heard, maybe not by my parents but by a community who understands and get me. Thank you ❤️
First of all.. you are an extremely articulate 13 year old. I'm so sorry that you're currently growing up like this. I just wanted to reach out and tell you that you are not alone, and to always remember, this too shall pass. I grew up in a very similar situation, roaches and all, and was also bullied at school. (And at home by my mom) At the time, (my entire childhood) if felt like eternity. I'm now pushing 40.. im over a thousand miles away, literally, and I have created the complete opposite life for myself and my 2 year old son. My home is extremely clean and orderly, I have beautiful plants, music, and sunshine coming through the windows. When I walk into my home, it feels like I'm walking into my own paradise. I never dreamed my life would end up like this when I think about where I came from. I'm not saying all this to boast, I'm just trying to say that soon, you will be able to create your own space, your own paradise. My only advise for you right now, is to spend as much time as you can (safely) outside, in the library, etc.. and read. Keep your head up! It will all seem like a distant strange dream before you know it.
@@addiction2conviction363 Thank you. This really is exactly what I’ve been needing. Ive just had to grow up way before my time. I can’t wait until I’m older, but I’ll appreciate the good moments until then. I hope you and your 2 year old are doing well. I’m happy for you. One day I’ll hopefully be the same and finally get out of here.
@@nightfallanimates60I’m so sorry my love. I have a similar situation, growing up in a hoarder home since I was six and now I’m 23. I hope things are going alright, please stay strong. In 5 years, you will be going off to college and you will be able to live the dream life you dreamed about. The mess will be something you will get away from. I just know it.
I am so sorry that this is your story so far. But you can and will change it one day. You are very articulate for someone so young and you sound so smart. It’s just a matter of time until you turn your life around and things get better. Never give up! Things are very hard now, but that doesn’t mean it’s always gonna be like this. Life can be good. Life can be better. Focus on your studies, spend your days in libraries, don’t be afraid to ask for help if things get even more out of control… Be strong. It will get better.
I'm sorry. 5 more years and you can escape to college and then have your own place and job and never have to experience this again.
Feeling like the house has contaminated me Is so so real. I'm such a cluttered and messy person and it feels like I can never get rid of the disgusting environment I'm always running from. It's like I've soaked in It for too long and now it's seeping out. I hate it
JJ... first off thank you so much for watching and sharing.
Secondly, I can STRONGLY relate. I just posted a video talking about struggling in my own home, and I'm now seeing all these comments of people expressing very similar situations to you.
My experience is the more I heal my emotional wounds around this, the easier taking care of my home becomes.
It is never too late to make a shift, even if it feels daunting... you're not alone in this!
I don't think I have ever related to a video as much as I have this one. I am 27 years old and still struggling with my traumatic experiences with growing up with a hoarder parent. Not only was this rough but I was bullied pretty badly in school too. So not only did I have it rough in school, but I would come home to a chaotic unstable home too. I hated growing up in that house with all that stuff. I also slept in the same bed with my parent as well, it got to a point where I would just sleep on the couch. I was sleeping on the couch as a teenager, because I didn't want to share the bed with my parent anymore. There were no other clean rooms in the house, my room wasn't even clean, just my bed, and I let my parent have that bed. I ate on the couch, because I managed to clean a little section off for me to eat and sleep at. My parent ate in the bathroom. My whole life I have had to cover up everything that happened to me. I didn't tell anyone I was being bullied, didn't tell anyone my parent was depressed, didn't tell anyone that my parent was a hoarder and my house was unlivable, didn't tell anyone I was gay, didn't tell anyone I was molested, I'm sorry this post is so long, but your video just really resonated with me, and I'm struggling to heal. Thank you for your video.
I am so deeply grateful you've watched this video and related to it, Robby!
The pain of not having any safe place or a reprieve sounds so painful, I'm so sorry you went to school with people who were damaged and allowed their childishness to hurt you. That wasn't fair.
Not having a private place especially a bedroom, is so traumatizing, I felt like I was suffocating.
Hiding and secrets are SO painful and from what you have written I see that you kept so many. I'm so sorry you struggled alone, I'm so sorry you didn't have people in your life who made you feel that you are perfect as you are.
Never apologize for sharing parts of your story, you've met my vulnerability with your own, and that is a gift you've given me.
You're not alone in the struggle to heal. Me and so many others in this comment section understand so much of your past and can empathize with your present. Please know the journey of healing may be long BUT we all have each other to walk alongside with!
Thank you Robby for co-creating this safe space with me. Sending you all my best :)
My worst experiences were finding roaches in my clothes, cats that I didn't own under my bed and catching mice running in the hallway with disposable cups. I also left at 18 with just a baggy full of clothes and moved across the country. I struggle with anxiety and OCD now but I have never truly gotten help with it. Thanks for sharing your story.
Omg literally my brother found a cat down the side of his bed that didn’t belong to us too
Elizabeth, thank you so much for watching! The roaches in your clothes hit hard. The anxiety and OCD that lingers is so debilitating, but what amazes me is in spite of those feelings that I'm sure were present when you were still living there, you took the most courageous step and LEFT! Theres no expiration date to healing, whenever it feels right you will get the help you want.
My boyfriend grew up with two hoarding parents. I don't know what it is like since it wasn't my case, so I am trying to learn about it and understand how it affects loved ones, especially children. You're right, there isn't too much information on the effects of children especially with feelings of shame and low self esteem. Thank you for bravely sharing your story, and for everyone in the comments who are open to sharing these tragic situations. It helps me understand what my boyfriend's experience must have been like. I certainly have found similarities in people's accounts through the comments section and the video especially in regards to a constant need in smelling good and a fear of bad smells. He frequently is checking on how we smell, making sure we both smell excellent. There's also a need to make sure clothes are impeccably clean and he goes above and beyond in washing clothes. It never occurred to me that living in a hoarding situation where smells accumulate given the situation could trigger the need in smelling and feeling clean at all times. Thank you for this big eye opener. He oftentimes reminds me of how difficult it was for him as a kid. When we first started living together I noticed too how when I would come home things would always be in their place just as I had left them. I had to remind him that he is free to move things as he pleases, I would never be offended by it, on the contrary I encourage it especially if he wants to re-arrange or do as he wants. I realized that by him not touching my things was a learned behavior from his early childhood. His parents prohibited him from moving or touching anything in the house ever. Somehow he subconsciously continued that behavior even into adulthood. He is also overly conscious as to how other people may perceive him, I am curious if others here feel the same way. I do want to say to everyone that as children we are born believing we are the center of the universe and anything that happens or doesn't happen is due to us. This is a very strong belief and it is why so many of us believe we are the cause of a problem. It is only when we are older that we learn how complex the world is and we can have a shift in perception.
My parents are definately low grade hoarders and the anger they would lash out when you want to clean up from throwing away literal trash and junk is emotionally draining and being around the clutter. It felt so claustrophobic, my mom at age 66 is finally getting to let her things go because I'm the only child of hers that was persistant on cleaning. I literally had to show the value of each item and needed to sell them for money for them to be let go otherwise they'd just rot in the house with her. I regret wasting my time doing it but I feel the need to do it fkr aome reason. Anyways, I'm so glad you're out that situation and it sounds you lived in a wayyy worse condition than I did, and I'm glad you have the ability to learm from this. Take care and thank you for sharing your story
Josh! You don't need to compare your situation to mine especially if you feel that mine was "worse". Wouldn't want you devalue your suffering in anyway. You seemed to have gone through a RELENTLESS endeavor to help your mother clean her home. Thank you for watching and responding with a piece of your story, Josh. All my best :)
I completely understand being skeeved about sleeping with your parent. For a lot of my childhood and adolescence, I didn't have a bed, so I had to sleep in bed with my mother. It affected me negatively in so many ways. It still traumatizes me to this day, and I am 48 now. My mother still gaslights me, claims I always had a bed.
I grew up with a hoarder mother who had narcissistic tendencies was abusive. It's okay to be angry that you had to grow up in filth. You are absolutely correct in that there still needs to be accountability too. Yes, we can have compassion for the hard life they've lived, but it's also ok to angry. You didn't deserve to grow up in a hoard and filth. I'm so sorry you had to grow up with a hoarder, I know the shame, embarrassment, and dread of having someone see how we live. It's awful.
As someone who is dealing with a hoarder, I can attest this. To the point I would want to clean and I just gave up, moved out but due to circumstances, I had to move back in and I find myself having to lock myself in my room and keep to myself or go out.
Thank you Dion for your empathy.
I'm sending you a huge hug wherever you are!
My parents weren’t hoarders, but our house was unkept in a few pretty embarrassing ways, and I totally relate to the never having friends over thing. I always felt like I was missing out on relationships that could’ve been developed in a stronger way but I was never allowed to go to anyone’s house because my parents were strict, and I could never have anyone over because I was embarrassed :( a big reason I went to college was just so I could get away from home. So glad you’re doing better though and thank you for sharing your experiences!!
Thank you, Breanna for watching. I'm so thankful you commented with empathy, despite your parents not being hoarders. I'm so so glad you got out and can now develop relationships in a deeper way. That's definitely one of the best parts of leaving...and maybe one of the scariest too :)
I also didnt bring up my parent's hoarding when I was in therapy as a kid, I just recently started to seek therapy for it last december. I didn't think much about it until now, but it makes so much sense why we don't think anything of it as children.
Glad you found a therapist to speak to about this and help you heal!
I am a few years away from 40. By this point, I have lived outside of my parent's home longer than I lived in it. The guilt and shame of not being able to help my parents (even to this day) is tangible. Like you, I had to go. I left when I was 17 and never lived there again. My deepest desire my whole life has been to have a home I am proud to take care of. In my parents' house there were more kids which just hurts so much to look back on. Now I have a new baby and it makes me feel so upset thinking about the neglect that me and my siblings experienced (they were just babies) and how it affects us now. Thank you for this wonderful video - I do feel less alone, and I hope you do to
My name is Gwen, not Mark. That is my husband's name. I had a similar experience as you, but it was long enough ago that there were no words to describe the situation to other people. I left home too. As God would have it, I spent time while in college working for a home nursing agency where I cleaned and cooked for elderly and disabled people. I look back and can see how God used this job to help me learn what a healthy level of cleanliness looked like. Up to that point, I just felt overwhelmed. Now that I am over 30 years beyond that, God has shown me that it is often great people throughout history that have suffered earlier in life. If they can make it through and not become bitter, they are often the most capable, courageous and compassionate, and therefore the most qualified to lead others. I am so glad despite the anguish you experienced because of your parent's hoarding, that you still have a loving heart toward them. Like Jesus Himself; He tried to help, was backhanded, but kept right on loving. Looking for comfort and trying to make sense of my own past, I came across a passage in the Bible that says "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." (2 Corinthians 1:3-4). It doesn't change the hard time I went through as a kid, but being able to look back and see, how God used those unfair situations and helped me grow instead of remaining emotionally crippled, my pain has turned to peace. Weak areas of my parents lives that affected me and that I had no control over, God specifically stepped in and helped me overcome. God sees, cares and can help even if my parents can't. And I know He loves you just as much. I can't help but wonder if what you have experienced and learned in the process, may be the basis of maybe a counseling service you could offer to others? In looking for help for myself in understanding and trying to heal from being the child of a hoarder, I found NOTHING. Thank you Gayla for having the courage to share your story. You may even save lives by merely helping others know they are not alone or a "less-than." God bless your efforts.
Yes! What the enemy meant for harm he will use for good. .
When you said that you could never be clean. I started to cry because I never realized that this is absolutely how I’ve felt as an adult this whole time and I am just now trying to break free from this thought process. Thank you so much..
Thank you for your empathy oh my gosh, I'm sending you the biggest hug I can.
You're not alone and are worthy of everything you desire to come your way.
All my love to you 💕
my mom is a hoarder. I call her a ferret because she goes out to tag sales, buys random things she will never use and then puts them in random closets that are not supposed to be for those things or she just makes piles of stuff right there in the kitchen. What's worse is that I don't think she realizes she has a problem. I remember when we were little, my mom and I would go to food pantries and pick up so much canned and boxed food and my mom would bring them home and since we don't eat canned food she would line the kitchen hallways with those bags for years. This has been a problem our entire lives. I don't know when it started for her because I went to her parents house in and it is empty and clean, so I know she didn't get it from my grandma. I just feel bad for her because she can't snap out of it. To her, it's normal and she tricked us kids into believing it was too. I'm an adult now, and I finally realize that not every empty space has to have something or multiple things in it. I like minimalism, it's eco-friendly and nice.
I FEEL YOU! Watching your parent buying things that won't ever be used that just crowd your home is hard, it's like you're seeing the disfunction and then (as you so eloquently put it) you're tricked into believing its normal.
I'm so glad you have your own home it seems and can live by your desires like minimalism. I agree with you clean and spacious areas are SO refreshing and healing after living in a hoarder home. They feel SAFE! :)
I felt a whole lot of this, but when you said that when you went to your friends house and you felt like thats how they were supposed to live, and you lived the way you were supposed to, that really hit me deep.
ooof, yes. Thank you so much for sharing that you understand me. Sending you love.
I will be 34 next month but lived with a hoarder parent until I was 23. My parent is still a hoarder and still excessively buys me things even though I have begged them to stop. I have my own place and trying to organize the things the hoarder gives to me in addition to my own stuff is overwhelming. I am constantly taking things to the thrift store on a weekly basis. My parent's apartment is so full of clutter that once I climbed on the clutter and touched the ceiling. Having so much stuff feels like you can't breathe. If I knew how to drive I would drive to my old home and take everything out of that apartment to the thrift store. That apartment is a hazard. I am an only child so all of this responsibility of inheriting the clutter will fall on me. I am tired of constantly cleaning because the hoarder parent brings bags every time they drop me off at my home. As I said, I have no car and I don't know how to drive so getting rid of the extra stuff is overwhelming. I know that if the hoarder parent keeps the items that they give me, it will build up their clutter. I am the only vessel that can get rid of the clutter. Overwhelming
Oh that sounds so hard! I'm so sorry. Feeling both the guilt of being the only outlet + the overwhelm of it just being too much! So hard to stop/reduce their inflow + even yours when they keep bringing...Good luck 💜💜💜
@@Saforra99 thank you. I have to go help my parent this week declutter because the parent is being threatened with eviction. The place has been deemed as a hazard. I'm just not ready to deal with this because I am working full time and I can only do so much. I will try my best to help though. I wish they would get therapy. This is truly a mental and emotional illness
@@pageturningpriestess2859 Oh dear! But yes, it really is an illness. I hope you and they find a workable way to deal with the things -- but more importantly the illness + the emotional implications for the relationships, etc. All the best!
This was very insightful. Thank you for courageously sharing your story. I have two separate friends who are hoarders, one of them extreme, and it is baffling. One is about to be evicted. I’m so sad.
You unlocked a few memories from my childhood 😭 my fridge was working but I was absolutely scarred when I opened it to see maggots. The fruit flies, the mice, it’s actually terrifying. There was always a refresh for me because we were constantly getting evicted due to the mess. My last straw is when we were evicted while I was visiting my dad out of town, so I never got to go back to my room. Thanks for making these videos because I don’t think it’s talked about, on how this situation effects the children living in it.
Pray you have a peaceful sanctuary at home now you are in charge.
What a beautiful prayer, thank you Jasmine.
I do and I wish the same for you! ✨
Growing up with a hoarding mother, I didn't learn until I was 18 (29 now), that there is an actual name for this condition and that there are other people who suffer from this. All my life I thought I was alone (until randomly seeing a program about hoarders on TV). Having to deal with the secrets and the shame of growing up in such a household has definitely affected me as an adult. It affected (and still affects) my relationships, my confidence (or rather lack thereof), my self worth and how I view myself. I recognized a lot of experiences that you talked about in your video and as sad as I am that you had to go through all of this, it makes me feel less alone and less of a freak for having the background that I have. Thank you for sharing ❤️
Christina thank you so so much for watching and opening up in return!!!
I'm so glad you can pin-point ways in which this experience has affected other aspects in your life.
That's the most important thing to be conscious of and compassionate towards. Wishing you all of the best :)
Your comment about your parent saving newspapers hit a bell with me. My mom had a hard time throwing away newspapers and telephone books. We never invited friends over because it was too embarrassing. I remember being embarrassed and ashamed my whole childhood. I remember just wanting to live in a "normal" family.
I have been suppressing my emotions for months and this video made me break apart. I’m 18 and I’ve been 7 months dealing with a very similar experience. One of my parents is a hoarder and on top of that we have 20 cats. I feel so traumatized living in this environment. Not being able to use the kitchen, having my room filled with stuff that’s not mine, struggling to get out of the house, having flies everywhere, and the horrible smell on the entire house. It’s just so depressing and so frustrating and I don’t know how to get out of this situation.
Thank you so, so, SO much for sharing your story Babymayis. The suppression of emotions is completely understandable, its what must be done to survive in the heart wrenching conditions you've explained! I'm so sorry you're going through this and feeling stuck in this situation, thats one of the most painful feelings in my opinion, the sense of entrapment.
I want to stress that your experience with the smell, bugs, and not have a kitchen is SO traumatizing, I really feel for you (and whole heartedly empathize).
After others have written their experiences in this comment section it becomes clear that you and I aren't alone with these circumstances; that doesn't fix anything unfortunately, but I just want you to be aware that the feelings you feel now can be met with empathy, you aren't alone with this trauma.
Feeling lost and trapped were what I was feeling in my situation at 18yrs too, now I look back and see how I managed to get myself out of there and have a different home life that served me. I wish for your freedom SO DEEPLY. How I got out of it, was telling someone I trusted about my situation and asking them if I could live with them until college, all I can recommend is the same, a friend, another guardian, a trusted person. You SHOULD NOT be living like this, this is NOT fair, and also your desire to leave creates such a POWERFUL momentum to go after what it is you really want.
I don't know your full situation, and even if I did my advice is coming from an outside point of view... You know you best. I just hope what ever home you dream of, comes to you with ease. You are worthy of ALL that you dream of and desire.
(* I link arms with you my comrade, as we walk towards our healing... you are not alone *)
You can always call animal control in your country trip report the animals who are living in this situation, or you can call Adult Protective Services. Must of all, seem therapy services for yourself, especially while you're young, suppressing will only make it worse. God bless and good luck.
I appreciate just knowing that there are people who can relate to experiences which have felt taboo to me for so long. It has been over two decades since my hoarder parent passed yet still it feels like something I should not even tell anyone because it brings dishonor. There was so much in this video I could relate to and yet have never felt like it was ok to talk to anyone so I've yet to truly deal with any of it. Having to care for my parent with cancer and the responsibility for 24 cats: 12 in the garage, 5 in our TINY bathroom because they had to be separate from the other 7 loose in the house to keep them from fighting. Having to clean feces from the tub just to take a shower. Getting so frustrated & slamming my bedroom door ripping it off the hinges then having no barrier to keep them out of my room for awhile. My parent did nothing to fix it because it was my fault. Just thinking about the smell still makes me queasy to this day. Used to tell people I was shopping for an animal shelter when we (my sister and I) went inside to buy cat food. The hoarding didn't start until after my parents' divorce and gradually I went from taking advanced courses in school to almost failing out as I would come home and have to clean for hours before falling asleep trying to do my homework. Did try to run away but I was only 16 so I was caught and "forced" to go back. I didn't want to leave my sister alone in that situation nor abandon my parent with cancer so I chose not to go to the other parent's house. My sister left for school while I chose to study locally to continue care. There is Al Anon to deal with the trauma of the other parent's behavior but I'm unaware of a support group for this type of trauma. Wish I could say I managed to change the situation while my parent was alive. That is still a guilt I carry although logically I know it should not have been my responsibility. I did, however, have another elderly family member to later develop dementia and engage in hoarding behavior. I stepped in as a caregiver. The doctor prescribed donepezil for memory loss and it was amazing as soon as we got home my relative started organizing the closet and matching outfits. I was permitted to declutter, organize, and clean the whole house in that situation. Unfortunately the weight loss caused by donepezil prompted the doctor to discontinue it so the best time to take it would be after dinner, before bed. If your parent has any indication of struggle with memory such as misplaced keys or forgetting words it may be associated & would likely be easier to convince one to seek treatment to enhance memory than simply for "hoarding." I'm not saying this would have the same effect on everyone but there are treatments for hoarding disorder targeting brain function and neurotransmitters. Trauma/stress can interfere with both as can thyroid hormone, cholesterol medicine, among other factors. Be encouraged there is hope. It is not simply a frustrating personality. Would go into dietary aspects etc but this comment is already essay length.
I'd curse my mom if she ever out stuff in my bedroom. Be assertive it's her house but it's your bedroom wtf.
@@rses916 I agree bro if my mom did that I’ll def would cuh it might be yo house but u also affect my mental health not my fault u wanted to have kids
I'm so grateful for this video I literally found you by typing in "my parents are hoarders" because I just went through something really messed up. Ok so.. I'm a girl from Denmark and I grew up in a hoarder home as well and I can relate to literally everything you said. I got kicked out at 17, today I'm 29 and live in my own apartment, keep my space organized and clean.
This happened today: I agreed to take care of my parents dog for 3 days while they were out of town for a few days. Btw I feel so bad for my parents dog but they keep saying she's fine and she's super old as well.. anyways my brother and I thought we were doing them a favor and cleaned their whole kitchen while they were away and we threw out a bunch of trash and broken or really disgusting stuff. Fast forward they came home today, my dad seamed pretty neutral about it but my mother who is the "main hoarder" freaked out and kept asking where all of her stuff has gone even though they still have a lot of stuff left in the kitchen. She even made me tell her which dumpsters in our area I had used so now she made my dad go with her to the dumpsters to dig up stuff... I really thought they would be happy to come home to a clean kitchen but no. This experience made me realize they will never change, because it's such a deep rooted disease. I feel silly for having hope before this. I've been thinking about moving to another city for a while now (both of my sisters live in the city I'm thinking about moving to as well) and this just made me want to move even more because I do think my mental health could benefit of the distance.
Well, thank you for giving us a space to rant about these things bc as you know it creates a lot of shame talking about it. This helped me be able to go to sleep tonight. Thanks again
Oh my gosh, my heart goes out to you. That sounds so painful to witness, to see your parent go through that after doing something that could have helped them. You are not silly at all for wanting to provide some healing for them, what a generous soul you are to have done so! Seems like your mom just wasn't ready to let that healing in, this doesn't mean you did ANYTHING wrong.
I hope you got the best sleep ever and I'm sending all my love to you in Denmark. 💕
Omg the bit where you said you were being treated as the problem really got me in my gut as a teenager I was acting out all the time I was staying out late getting drunk having sex early etc and everyone in my family “couldn’t understand” why I was acting this way… like couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to be in my home with my mother? Like now I’m an adult I just think wtf how was it not obvious why I was behaving this way
Yessss Georgina. People can be so blind to your suffering, especially when they've practiced being so blind to theres. The most powerful thing is YOU understand why and how you were acting and where it all steams from. That's pretty badass if you ask me!
i cried with you during the entire video. i connected so much with the shower part- not being able to have those basic needs and feeling dirty was something that really took a toll on me. to this day my parents have not fixed their shower head (it works very poorly) and their bathroom is in really poor conditions. My mom always complains why I never visit home but it is just so hard to go back to those living conditions- it triggers something deep in me that is hard to explain to them. it does bring on so many feelings of shame and humiliation. and it's like you can't ever vent to anyone about it because no one understands or could judge you. I think it's where a lot of my anxiety stems from; sort of having to live this "second life" that you have to constantly hide from others. it makes you feel so alone :( i'm older now as well and living with my bf in an apartment as well! happy that we both made it out and are living in better conditions that we had always deserved. i definitely would like to see a video on the lasting affects of having a hoarder parent!!
First off, Christena, thank you so much for watching my video, holding space for me and sharing your empathy. I'm SO SO thankful you shared your experience. I resonate so strongly with all you've written!
It is so eye opening that you understand the pain of not having a clean bathroom growing up, the place where we go to get clean, I'm so grateful you shared that. What a blessing it is that I have connected with you over a situation that before brought both of us loneliness, allowing the aloneness to dissipate. :)
In terms of visiting the home after leaving...I ONE MILLION PERCENT understand, I'm so glad you brought that up. The "triggering something deep" is a perfect description!!
Having to live a "second life" hit me so hard, too. You put that beautifully!
I'm so thankful you shared your feelings of loneliness and shame because you've given me the blessing of connecting with my experience by sharing yours!
I'm so happy we are TWINS living with our boothangs and enjoying a new living situation.
(Also I'm working on a video on lasting affects as we SPEAK! very exciting!)
Thank you so much for connecting with me and sharing. So happy we have found each other across the vast internet and can come together sisters in arms towards our healing!
You should be honest with them. Tell your mom her choosing THINGS over you is why you aren’t visiting
I'm still living in my messy parent's house, I'm almost 18, but your story gives me some hope. My boyfriend and I hope to move out in the next couple years.
My bathroom is also messy, I just want to get all the gunk off me, but I can never feel clean. I could never have friends over or anything, but the thing that stings most is that my parents think I hate them. I don't, but I refuse to live like this any more than I have to. A part of me feels like if they really loved me they would get their sh*t together.. sigh. I feel like I have to fix it, but I know its not my problem. It still hurts though. Thank you for sharing
If my mom asked why I dont visit I'd tell her straight up cause your house is full of trash. That's on her not for me to hide.
It's so so so hard. I am healing, as well.
So glad you're healing :)
My mom is kinda self aware they are doing this I didn’t actually tell them until just know that it was affecting me and my sister and my dad.
Thank you for this video I am currently 16 and I’m trying to help my parent clean and brake the habit. (Also my house isn’t nearly as bad but my house is also unfinished and cluttered)
I felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest the whole time I was watching. Thank you for sharing. I still don’t talk about it. I’ve lived away from home since I was 17, now 25 this year, and I still can’t talk about it with my mother. My siblings don’t understand bc I was there for most of it… they left when they could and I don’t blame them. Just now realizing that I haven’t really spoke about my experience either in therapy… about not having hot water, no stove, my parent wanting to share my room.. I get all of it. The mold on the ceiling of the bathroom, the overwhelming anxiety. And my husband wonders why I am crazy about cleaning and everything. God. Thank you. I don’t feel as alone.
Kayla, thank you so much for sharing your empathy with me.
You make me feel less alone :)
i developed social anxiety through the years because i always had to hide my home and could never open up to friends, yet even make friends cause i would be confrontated with inviting them to our home. it was very isolating and i feel like i lost my teenage years/ youth because of it. it's still depressing me at times when i'm comparing my life story to others. but several years after moving out of my hoarder home i'm doing better. step by step.
Hello Blubber!
You're so right. Social anxiety is so real from this trauma. Friendships can be just as difficult as romantic relationships for me, theres intimacy in both, so I completely get that the fact that we were taught to hide and conceal the truth would get in the way of developing connections with people!
I am SO glad you are feeling better after taking the space and time you needed to heal. Social anxiety can diminish too given time. The fear of what others think & having to appear perfect will mitigate, too! I promise :)
Sending you lots of love your way!
I relate so much to this. Even now it is hard for me to invite people to my home, although I am grown, married, and have children. Our home is more cluttered than I'd like, but by no means embarrassingly dirty or messy. There's just a mental block that I confront every time my children want to bring friends over.
Oh my goodness, you angel. Bless your heart. I absolutely hear you. Although I never had it myself, I had three people in my life that also experienced what you went through. I can only thank you for your honesty and bravery in talking about this disorder... everything, bar nothing, affects someone else we're living with and that is not an exaggeration... I can imagine there is also a lot of anger inside of you, and that is what I call 'righteous anger'... it's justified and don't be afraid to express it. You are an intelligent, beautiful soul and you deserve to have the best life ever... xxxxx
Wow, I so deeply want to thank you for this generous comment and for the time you took out of your day to watch this video. Thank you for your understanding, thank you for caring for those three people in your life who experienced this and thank you for sharing you compassion with me.
From one angel to another, sending love to you 💕
What a lovely person you are, I hope you have a wonderful future! I have a great deal of empathy for people like you who have been harmed by hoarding. There are some truly tragic situations. My Mom was not nearly as bad as your hoarder parent, but was an "organized hoarder". There weren't trash or piles but loads of labeled boxes, loads of books and clothing. The house was messy, but not terrible. She always lived in a large home with a full attic and a full garage. She had inherited possessions of family members who had passed on and it really got bad when she started experiencing demensia. Our father had passed in 2000 and up until 2020 she still had his clothing in the closet. We tried helping her downsize and get rid of things but she was so upset about it all. She left a huge problem for me and my sister to dispose of when she needed to go into a memory care nursing home. For years prior we had to go through her fridge, pantry and bathroom to dispose of expired foods and medications. I suspect this all arose from her childhood of poverty and of never having what she needed and worsened when our father became ill and passed away. I find myself needing to periodically go through closets, etc., to move out the extraneous things. I absolutely refuse to leave this kind of problem for my children. So, now I live in 900 sf which requires me to not bring in things and to also remove them. I'm so proud of you even though I don't know you. Please continue to be well.
Oh my goodness, thank you so much for your encouragement and vulnerability in this comment! It is always so inspiring to here people such as yourself, talk about how their childhood home was less than perfect, but strive to create a safe and functional home for their children now.
I grew up with hoarder parents and it was awful. Our home was normal until I was 13, when my grandpa died. That’s when my parents suddenly decided to start collecting everything, even garbage. I’d go to school then come home and spend hours trying to clean and organize our house. Even now in my 40s I’m still trying to help them but it’s like they just don’t want the help. Now they’re even hoarding boxes full of expired food that they have mixed in throughout the mess. I just threw out a bottle of worchestershire sauce from their fridge that expired in 2002. I feel for you that you had to go through this at an even younger age.
I am 55. I did not grow up in a hoarder home, but I did grow up in an extremely dysfunctional, emotionally abusive home. I see so many similarities and parallels. There was mental illness and chaos. Like you, I also got a lot of therapy, but at the same time, I was convinced I was somehow defective and "the problem." My mother was essentially a closet narcissist, and extremely insecure and had a pathological fear of abandonment because of the way her own mother treated her. The only reason our house always looked good was because my mother had the financial means to always have a 2x/week housekeeper. I was a little girl with 3 older brothers, and there was a lot of screaming and rage and occasionally physical fighting. My parents divorced when I was 5, my dad remarried, but he was seriously ill and died when I was 13.
My mom had gotten pregnant from some random guy when I was 9, before she had stopped drinking, and she brought the baby home and I bonded with him, changed diapers, etc. Then within a month, she announced she was relinquishing him for adoption. I was devastated and furious with her. We did eventually meet him and his adoptive family - that's a whole other story. But you and I have the story of adoption in common too - just from different perspectives.
My heart goes out to you. You are extremely articulate and brave, and a beautiful young woman. I see a lot of myself in you. As much as you want to be respectful and show compassion, you are a survivor of abuse. You deserved to be properly taken care of - we both did. I know all about living with toxic shame and secrets. I am sending you a big hug.
I now have detmatillomania, which is skin picking disorder. My house always had fleas, flies, mice, and lice growing up. I had lice for the majority of my childhood. My parents had joint custody and my dad's house was immaculate. He's always clean us up and get rid of the lice, but then we'd go right back to my mom's. I knew when I felt that itching in my scalp again the lice were back and, of course, that was very anxiety inducing. That anxiety and itchiness ended up becoming a core part of who I am. Now whenever I'm stressed/anxious I get itchy. Then I scratch. Then I get scabs. Then I'm self conscious about the scabs. Which stresses me out. Which makes me itchy. Which makes me scratch. It's a brutal cycle that never ends.
I'm so sorry you're going through this cycle of pain. I can sense how horrible it must have felt to have to leave your dad's home and enter back into your mother's. There is another commenter here who experienced getting lice, so you are not alone with this suffering. It seems many of us developed up self sabotaging coping mechanisms, from bulimia to self harm. These all begin to dissipate with time and compassion. I had a therapist who specialized in Cognitive Behavior Disorders (CBD) and they helped a lot with my bulimia and self harm tendencies. Maybe that could be something that helps you, when you're ready. I'm sending you all the best vibes. Thank you for sharing a part of your story, I'm sure others out there go through the very same thing!
I also have dermatillomania as a result of growing up in a hoarding house. I hope you're doing well and taking care of yourself 💜
@gaylakay unfortunately I chose to live with my mom. My dad was really strict and I had no rules at my mom's house. Sometimes kids can't tell what's best for them.
@Alexandra dermotillomania seems to be a really unknown type of OCD. I didn't even hear that word until I was receiving therapy in my mid 20s. Whenever I tell anyone I have OCD they assume I'm a clean freak or something. Unfortunately I'm kind of a slob. Nowhere near the level my mom was, thankfully.
@@mestillme3026 It was never your job to know what was best for you when you were a child. That was the responsibility of your parents! Don't blame yourself for this!!!
Appreciate your courage. Im currently 27 year old guy and have come to terms with my emotional wounds after a lifetime of shoving them aside. This made me tear up. My mother is still ill and i haven't gone back home for years. But i highly suspect it's gotten much worse. What was difficult for me is that my mother has always been and still is very narcissistic and even goes as far as to blame us for the mess. It's impossible for me and my brother to connect with her because she is so in her own world. On top of that I never had any father figure. I plunged into a devastating addiction for years but I'm currently 3 years sober. I've just began therapy for the first time. My wounds go very deep because I've never remembered the house being any clean. Once again I greatly appreciate this video and creating a space for all of us to connect in a world that doesn't understand our troubles and demonstrate how we heal together.
Thank you so much for watching and sharing.
First off a HUGE congrats on being 3 yrs sober!!!!
What an incredible accomplishment.... I've found after cutting out substances I see the world and myself much clearer... and clarity is delicious.
AND starting therapy?! Heck yeah.
The pain of feeling isolated is so big, but to have it be from two unavailable parents is tremendous. Excited for the healing journey you are on and relish in the strength you have.
Healing hugs to you Chili 🌶
The part about you going to therapy and not talking about it resonated the most with me. I cut off my health insurance so honestly I'm on a break from therapy deciding to go back, but I have a hard time talking about it because I love my family and it hurts me to talk badly. I never speak of this with anyone. I wanted to cry because I could relate to a lot of things... there are many things I honestly am not ready to speak freely about to the internet because there is so much shame and pain. I also have a lot of elderly family and I relate to that as well. My mother was a single parent and her aunts are my aunts and they are currently in the 70s and getting older and need a lot of help. It's so hard dealing with loved ones getting older. This video is extremely helpful to people like me. You really put yourself out there and I respect that greatly.
Brianna, thank you so much for watching, for opening up, and meeting me with empathy.
We seem to have so much in common, and even though you didn't share specifics I feel so seen by you.
Thank you and sending you lots of love 💕
Thank you for sharing. It's weird when you feel such deep rooted shame about something and you never ever speak to people about it, to then hear someone talk about these same issues. It's comforting to hear that others went through the same ordeal and understand your perspective. I hope you're doing really well now and taking care of yourself 💜
Alexandra, thank you for watch!
You're right it is weird to hear it out in the open, especially when we were taught to keep it all a secret. I'm so thankful I've found people like you, who understand and can empathize!
Wishing you all the best too :)
I can understand somewhat your feeling of feeling unclean. I wasn't raised in a hoarders hm, but i remember spending 2 wks watching a marathon of hoarder videos on RUclips out of sheer hoarer & curiosity. However, i had to stop, bc after only 2 wks of doing so, i began to feel buggy & unclean. And i wasn't anywhere near a hoarders home. Yet just from watching the programs, it had such a negative affect on me. I personally am a minimalist, so maybe it was also complete shock to me. I'm sorry you had to live that way, but thankful about the beautiful person you are inside & out. We all go thru things. Glad that you are healing.
My dad (currently age 70 in 2023) has a Hoarding Problem. He hoards too many laser printers, computer monitors, & old laser printer toner cartridges at his house. Before his retirement at age 66, his occupation was a Computer Technician (hence all the laser printers, computer monitors, etc...); he used the house for his occupation to save money for renting a place to do his business. Of course, it did generate conflict with my mother, who did not approve him bringing his business home (this started back in the early 2000s). But by 2010 to his retirement in 2019, things started to get out of control in regards to his work occupation caused more hoarding to my family's house. In fact in 2019, the backyard was filled with way too many old printers, old computer monitors, & old toner cartridges that it actually made our next door neighbors very concern.
In fact in 2019, my father was rushed to the hospital because he got a heart attack. He got a heart attack because he was angry at my neighbor who called the City Social Worker to come inspect. The social worker did saw the house nearly become unlivable & they did write a citation on him, which triggered my father to really got emotional; so emotional that he collapsed & they have to rushed him to the hospital. After all that mess, everyone, from my mother, to the doctor, & social worker suggested him that he's at the perfect age for retirement. They also suggested my father to seek psychological help. But the latter of seeking psychological help only triggered my father's emotions even further. So they made a negotiation about only seek retirement, otherwise faced the consequences of his actions.
He accepts retiring. But he was very angry. They even suggested to clean out the stuff. But so difficult.
He officially retires from the PC Technician business on December 2019. BUT, he's still angry about cleaning up & he's unwilling to clean up... He even readies to file a lawsuit to counter attack at my next-door neighbor for filing a complaint report on him... According to him, he claimed all the old PCs, printers, & toner cartridges have value for selling to the scrap yard, especially if he waited for the "inflation period". But from what I saw, they were irrational.
My next-door neighbor eventually moved out in late 2019 to avoid escalating the conflict between them & my father.
However, my mother & I are feeling powerless to help him... He has 2 face: 1 face is he loves & care for me & my mother like a normal father would. But the other face is this selfish monster who's putting me & my mother's health & well-being at risk...
I did seek psychiatric care myself & my psychiatrist told me that the only thing I can do is only take care myself & my parents to the best of my ability. I unfortunately, cannot afford moving out to live on my own due to the rise in cost of living in my area... I did successfully graduate college (struggled a lot though...) & did get a job with it that is close to my family's home. However, my job's salary is not enough to help me move out of my father's house & be independent on my own due to high cost of living environment...
My mother also refuses to divorce my father. She told me that she really loved him & vowed in her marriage "For better or for worst" she would be there. She also told me that divorcing would only escalate the conflict & situation in my father.
I love my father too... In fact I understand for him... He was born & raise in a Vietnamese Family in the Rural Areas of Vietnam DURING the Vietnam War. My psychiatrist analyzed to me that my father may struggled from PTSD due to his childhood. In fact, my father's not alone with this mental health struggle of his. His siblings (aka. my aunts & uncles) & his father (aka. my grandfather) also struggles with hoarding stuff. In fact, on my father side when I visit them, I saw all of them hoards stuff too that it made their house seems to be unlivable...
Added to the problem is the Vietnamese Cultural Norms, where it's highly forbidden to questioned about the "elder one's life style" & I was born & raise to learn about that Viet Culture Teachings. The "Honor Thy Father & Mother" is very important to the Viet Culture Norms that it is considered SHAMEFUL & DISRESPECTFUL for a child like myself to raise concerns to the elder's well-being, even though it's for good intentions... More issues is that the societal norms have stigmatized mental illness & that mental illness = shame...
For now, the least I can do is just follow what my psychiatrist suggested me to do: take good care of myself & practice improving myself 1 day at a time. I did succumb to mental health struggles of my own due to being exposed to a family member who has mental health struggles. My mental health struggles resulted in me having difficulties maintaining healthy friendships with my surroundings... That's why from my psychiatrist suggestion, I am to continue practice improving myself & also practice creating a "force field barrier" between myself & my father. I can interact with my father like normal, or I'll try to... But not easy...
Therefore, you're not alone. I too know what it feels like to be raised in a family who struggles with mental health. In fact, my case, my paternal grandfather has it, my uncles & aunts on my father side has it & my father has it too... My mother told me that I am the only one who can "put an end to the Tran's Family Toxic Traits" & instead bring something good to the Tran Family bloodline instead of this... My psychiatrist agree with my mother about that too & that's why they suggested me to focus mostly on improving myself & be the better person that I can be 1 day at a time.
How beautifully you write and share a part of your story. Thank you so much for sharing Don.
The "two faces" of a person struggling with hoarding are an extremely accurate way to explain what goes on, it seems to be the same for people who struggle with some form of addiction. (I supposed hoarding is a form of addiction at the end of the day.)
You show a profound sense of compassion for your parent, and it's so beautiful to read. I can really relate to loving your parent and understanding them, while also wanting to see a change and healing to occur so the home life and relationship you desire to have with them can shift for the better.
You seem to have a wonderful psychiatrist, I'm so glad you are focusing on you and bettering yourself while maintaining boundaries when you need to.
I so deeply believe that things will get better for you, you will find a better home to live in when the timing is right. You are so inspiring. To hear how you are focused on bettering yourself and breaking the chain of generational trauma in your family is incredible.
All my love to you and your family.
Putting a ton of effort into organizing a section in the home hoping it can be maintained only for it to be completely undone in the following days... Never feeling clean... Not being allowed to throw certain things away... It puts you into a full defeatist mindset and gradually ends up affecting every facet of your life. Those effects combined with the insane cost of the housing and rental market makes it seem impossible that I'll ever escape it.
this is the exact way I feel. I hope I'll prove myself wrong one day
@@famillyjewels I'm sorry you're in this situation as well, I'm praying we both find a way out
First off dear... hugs for your bravery. Our home growing up was very similar. Mom raised us 4 alone and was always working and or going to school. We raised ourselves basically and the cleaning was not done. Mom's hoarding progression worsened after bad relationships. Shame, guilt and never feeling clean oh man this hits this 51 yo hard. I have to work on the overwhelming urge to throw everything away when I get stressed out and feel claustrophobic. You're so strong and thank you so much for sharing this untouched issue. Healing hugs!!!
Adina, thank you so much for watching and sharing with me.
I so deeply resonate with the sudden feeling of claustrophobia and wanting to toss everything, I'm so glad you wrote that since I never realized that claustrophobia was what I was feeling... wow thank you.
Sending you all my love 💕
Hello there I am a child of a hoarder and a current CPS worker. Im trying to change the way CPS in NYC looks at this disorder with the hopes that children of hoarders and hoarders themselves. My hope is that we can effectivley help children of hoarders rather than make it worse. My " parent " that hoarded was also a good parent to me in spite of his disorder and i appriciate that you arent shaming them. Much of this is to do with guilt shame and trauma. Sadly I have had a fair share of fights with that parent and my other parent is sick and has continued to get more sick and is now living with me. I am trying to disable my parent's ability to hoard currently. Its tough but im half way there. Theres much comorbitiy with this sitaution. I really related to the broken shower and fridge situation. Theres so much trauma in this. Your helping so many just by speaking on this. Keep up the good work. Today I am presenting to my leadership about this with my ideas on how to approach hoarding families better putting in the best services and aftercare. its an addiction and obsession much like substance abuse. Great info about the chromosome.... didnt know that one. Happy to see you living the way you wish now ! be well and never stop sharing your story
Nicole, thank you so much for watching and for sharing some of your story! What a wonderful purpose you have...since you have great understanding of hoarded home trauma, I'm sure your guidance alone is so helpful in trying to better the lives of children in these situations.
I really appreciate you taking the time to be vulnerable and speak about your experience. As a 33 year old guy who started going to therapy a year ago my parent's hoarding has come up a lot and I think I'm only really starting to realize the damage it's done. Feelings of inadequacy, keeping people at a distance, among other issues. I wish my parent had mental health services available to them growing up. I googled "Children of Hoarders" at night and this was one of the videos that came up. I'm glad other people are also finding comfort in your video and a forum to express themselves. Best of luck to you and God bless.
Thank you so much for taking the time to watch this video and sharing!
It is wild how much steams from this trauma, and to see how much we can heal. I had the same experience when I started with my current therapist now. It is so wise of you to wish the same opportunity for your parents, it shows how you hold on to your consideration/compassion of them (something I had to release into)!
All my best to you
I clicked on this video so fast lol. My mother kept her hoarding to one disgusting room in the house but the rest of the house was extremely messy and dirty. I wasn't able to have friends over, it was awful. As an only child I craved hanging out with other kids but couldn't invite them. So I can relate there. And I had to sleep in the same bed with my mother till I was 19 and left home!! It was two single beds pushed together into one double bed. I was so grossed out, I have begged her to separate the beds but she always dismissed it as if it was not a big deal. I am still feeling disgusted by it till this day and I am 38.
Jana, still feeling that disgust is soooo valid.
Thank you for watching and for sharing your empathy with me!
I had to become the parent like you say at age 17, started calling mother by her first name, I put my foot down and bullied her into changing our situation. I taught her organisation, taught her to accept contractors inside her house- taught her to throw away her trash and fix her problems, but way before that;she had the doorbell dread and me too for a bit so she would hide in her house from postmen and put newspapers in the windows after the curtains fell down. Eventually the police were called by neighbours and they broke in through the window, that window didn't get fixed for 5 years; I was always shivering; could see my breath in winter indoors. No central heating neither- one electric heater. I had to shower with an old kettle. I had to eat the food that had been stored in the fridge that stank from mold and rotten food; never cleaned. We had a pathway about shoulder width through the living room and the kitchen; surrounded by carrier bags full of rotting food, mold, so many maggots... everywhere, big clouds of flies. The cat urinated on all the trash while we were out and it wasn't thrown away; I wasn't allowed to through anything, or disturb the trash; she would search through the bins to catch me. If I tried to explain to my grandparents that something was broken she'd bully me into saying it was fixed to them; but it never was. The lighting circuit breaker broke oneday, so goodbye lighting, I learnt to see in the dark, to urinate in the dark, to cook in the dark; we had one plug in light in the living room, the rest of the house was pitch black for a good 5 years. One day the stove malfunctioned, it was covered footdeep in trash and yet a burner heated up; caught the trash on fire, I was locked in by my mother because she didn't trust me; I think I was about 10, all this plastic set alight and so I put out the fire and had my lips to the letterbox for air. I had my mothers trash in my room, I was forbidden from moving it; my room was for her stuff for a while. Nowhere to sit except the floor, all chairs and sofas are covered in rotting trash, carrier bags of unopened junk, miscellanious things all shoved together with no meaning, no order; forbidden from moving it, everywhere there's just a small pathway to walkthrough, so tiny a space to exist.
Hello Electric! Thank you so much for sharing some of your story.
All of this sounds so painful. Ugh having to become the parent to our PARENTS is heartbreaking and NOT fair.
I'm so sorry you went through all of this disfunction and chaos. And then had to be the one to motivate your parent to fix it all.
I hope it brings you comfort to read other peoples comments and see how there are people who experienced similarities to you.
I hope you are out of this situation, living in a better place.
I'm sending you so much love your way!
Hey thanks so much for making this video, it really made me feel better about my situation. My parents house has been a disaster my whole life, all from my mom. It takes guts to talk about this and put it on RUclips because your whole life were kind of supposed to keep it a secret. Some days I get so pissed off about it like I just can’t stand it another second and it’s such a miserable feeling because there’s nothing I feel like I can do. It’s not like a normal person where they would just say ok. My hoarder parent gets SOO defensive immediately and starts trying to get on my ass about things so she can put herself on the offense instead of defense and let me tell you there’s not much that makes my blood boil more than that. The biggest emotion I get from the situation is just anger. I’ve watched quite a few videos and a lot of people seem to be sad about it but I just don’t understand how it does not make you angrier lol. I don’t know I’m just typing off the top of my head but thank you so much for the video.
Hey Trevor! Thank you so much for watching and sharing your feelings with me!!!!
I relate so much to what you have written. I struggled a lot with TONS of rage, which manifested in physical fights with my parent, and having worked on it I feel less reactive now (and it helps I'm living in my own home). Just a reminder anger is an emotion that can help us feel more powerful than hopelessness, but usually anger covers up other emotions too, like betrayal, sadness, abandonment, etc. (I write this as a reminder for myself too!)
The fact that you see all the disfunction & mess so clearly, and then your parent has the AUDACITY to criticize about other things as a way to shift the blame is HORRIBLE! I am so sorry you're going through that. That doesn't feel fair at all. This would happen to me especially while I was still living there, and what really helped was seeing how much of that energy they (our parents) harbor towards themselves.
Any critical energy they are giving to you is only a reflection of how they feel about themselves, which is sad for them. Doesn't make it right or fair that they do this to you, it just can help with not taking it personally and letting it fall off of you, so to speak.
I'm sending you all of my best. The anger is real and valid, I completely get it.
We have been cleaning out a rental property where the tenants had a hoarding situation. We could have paid junk rescuers to just trash everything $4,500 but we have been hands on because stuff was rotting and we wanted to let people we know take what they wanted. I hauled 20 contractor trash bags worth of stuff to the curbside. There were maggots on some bags. I'm so sore from constant cleaning. Using a swiffer duster on one treadmill turned it black. The energy was really bad too, like haunted house bad. i kept on spraying clearing spray made with sage.
My son's Grandma was a hoarder. When she died, her kids had to divey up her stuff. They all held onto it and cluttered up their houses. My son put it in my garage attic. I've come to realize he might be a hoarder. I have gone into the opposite end to become a stark Minimalist. I enjoy owning few things and feel calmer because of it.
I'm 31 now (male) And last year I found the courage to clean 70% of the rooms and regain control of my house.
I was an A student in grade school and as it started happening when I was 8 I started going downhill. Bear to mind that I shared this house with my mother (the hoarder). My father was never in my life and the few 3 or 4 moments he did it was as a predatory attempt to get money or a subsidie. It was never about me.
My mother is a narcissist. So she not only hoarded but she arrested my development but infantilizing me. She knows what she is and always did. Micro-actions that she does are sloppy and some are caused by tiredness. But a substantial reason she doesn't move a finger to change the situation is because she doesn't want me to move on. She is a divorced woman that never had another relationship. She is obviously overbearing. Her mother was too, but her mother was much cleaner even if she also did some hoarding which wasn't debilitating. But my mother had and still has two rooms filled with literal mountains of stuff. You can't even walk inside these rooms. But I changed them quite a lot.
I was depressed from 15 to 27 maybe like deeply. I had daily suicidal ideation, and even though I got into architecture and then moved to computer science I was always exhausted and couldn't perform. Until I was like 26 I dropped out and became a full fledged schizoid. By then, my shame reached the peak.
All my life I never had a girlfriend. I only been with a girl when I was 23 for a month where I lost my virginity. Being a man in this world is much less forgiving. Women can get support from boyfriends; girlfriends can't afford to give a damn about you. It is what it is.
But yeah, I did a cooking course and even got a job for two months but then I fell off again into depression and a crippling sense of shame, and became a schizoid again.
I cut off all my friends when I was 26 because I couldn't bear the lies, the fact that I never retributed, I couldn't get people close, and I was bad for them because I was always depressed, and they couldn't help me and they progressively became more shaming and abusive. It was in little phrases but it hurt. It wasn't over the top but it stacked.
The doorbell dread was terrible. I never had my clothes smell because somehow there was some level of cleanliness on that front since my mother is very vain and took care of her appearence.
This is my problem with disregarding this pathology as a genetical or physiological disease. This is a selective toxic behavior. It is a compulsion but at the same time they know what they are doing (she did). She knew it was hurting me and she did it anyways. She laughed in my face too many times. She is a cunt. As much as she helped me pay for college and I never missed food or cloathes, but the abuse was deliberate. She could very well had done it on a few rooms but she did it everywhere. She is dirty, sloppy, neglectful, irresponsible and vindictive. She just doesn't give a damn because misery loves company.
She ruined my life. I can't even get a normal job without feeling ashamed and suicidal. My energy levels are as low as they can be. Every single day.
There were times that I didn't even see daylight because we couldn't open the blinds - that induces a lot of depression. I was self-conscious all the time. from like 19 to 26 I smoked weed every week as an uncounscious form of self-medication. I was so thin.
And to top it all off, my mother is a social worker. Surprise! We also have other people working in mental hospitals so it was impossible for me to get therapy because my surname would link me to them and give them problems.
For a time I had panic attacks as well, that's when I quit the weed, any drinking or coffee and I cured my panic attacks to a great extent. I stopped eating fryed food and quit smoking and started jogging. I cured most of it except for my social anxiety which took a little longer as I exposed myself again to the world.
Now, I am much better, I took control of most of my house and even shamed and guiltied her into changing her ways. Which she has been doing on occasion but very sporadically.
Ironically, I tried to be therapeutical. Because she will never go to therapy considering who she is professionally. I forgive some of it. Not all. It's hard not to take it personally because I know this compulsion is not entirely uncontrollable, she can control it when the stakes demand it. She has always been a workaholic and she always sacrificed everything for her career. I've seen it. If this was a chemical problem she would do it even in her work. She doesn't. She doesn't even do it in other peoples houses. She can control it to a certain extent she is just sloppy, chaotic, and she was depressed through most of these years.
I grant all that, but this destroyed most of my life and it was literally killing me.
Everything you touch leads to a dispute and screaming and bile. But when I was 29 I got so irate that I cleaned a whole room even if she screamed. Bear with me that most of my life I tried to control my rage (which I had a lot of anger) because my father when I was 2 beat my mother and dragged her around. So I had that legacy which I was trying to push down.
But she was also destroying me. I'm much more sane and it's much easier to pinpoint and correct her bad behavior when the house is cleaned and in order. You just need to push through the screaming and go against her private space etc. Because I always tried to avoid that. For one, I didn't want retaliation on my own stuff and private room; and because I didn't want to trespass on hers. But she is like a weed that infects and spreads everywhere. I cleaned my kitchen, my corridor, my room, my bathroom, my office space, only left her room (filled with her cloathes) and the living room where she sleeps in a pile of nonsense and trash. I even cleaned and organized my basement. Bear in mind, that from cleaning the kitchen I took out around 40 full bags of garbage and recycling matterials (glass, paper, plastic) and even some big boxes of tupperwares. And from the basement I took about a 100 bags.
I'm full of hate, resentment, sadness and shame, but when I think rationally I know she did some good and some bad with raising me. I just want her to change and I can forgive most of it (at least the hoarding I can forgive).
There is a mix of stocholm syndrom and rational sensibility that I try to level because after all these years there's a lot of bad and good. It's a complicated situation, but no person should grow like this. This is traumatic to the highest order and it's no way to treat a child or an adult.
She lacks boundaries, respect, and empathy. She is a narcissist. And NPD runs in the families. I know I became narcissistic. Her mother is absolutely and atention seeking narcissist and her sons are either codependents or narcissists. So yeah. I wouldn't be surprised that there was a close relation between NPD and hoarding. Certainly there is with OCD, anxiety and depression. These are all under the umbrella of PTSD which is theorized by the likes of Sam Vaknin to be the etiology of NPD. And I would extend it further to hoarding as well. It is a coping mechanism and it is compulsive, but I also think it is manageable if they want it and you negotiate with them. I advise both a dose of shaming and a dose of comprehension, leading to a plan with your help or not (depending on what they want) but with practicle and achievable steps to progess out of the spiral of garbage hoarding. The trick is to make small steps (even if they are the smallest) but doing them consistently.
For those trying to deal with this I say to try to map the hoarders patterns and then focus on dealing with the ones that create more problems and chaos, and try to fix those. And then muster all the energy, courage and strength to deal with them on one go. From there you have to become a supervisor to try to not let things descend back again. It's much easier to police and maintain the environment once it's clean, because it's easier to deal in a timely manner and it's also easier to pinpoint unlike when there is only chaos and you don't know where to begin with and just feel exhausted and despairing looking at the tragedy of how a human can do that.
Hoarding is like continuous highlight on the tragedy, human neglect, and hopelessness of life. But since it's daily you will confuse it for the whole of life. But it's not. Change your environment and you'll change yourself and your lability as well.
Be brave. I wish you all children of hoarders the courage to push through and come out on the otherside with appreciation of life and the rightful desire to live a normal healthy and worthfull life! Never give up.
Thank you for this video. I am not a CoH but my partner is, and I feel this has helped me empathise with his feelings and wounds in a deeper way than I could before. Thank you for being so brave and vulnerable.
Elosie, thank you so much for taking the time to watch my video and using it to better understand your partner. So glad he found someone with such a great capacity for compassion.
Sending you all my love :)
I need to applaud you and the strength it took for you to film this. I’m not a hoarder but my sister is married to a hoarder and I’ve been researching information on why people become hoarders and the affects of hoarding on the people in their life. Hearing your story makes me feel so bad for my nephews. I hope you find comfort in the fact that this video has helped other children of hoarders.
"why did you throw it out? you might need it one day"
As a fellow child of a hoarder I totally understand. The shame and all you want to hide about your family is such a reality. We understand that we’re different, but we don’t quite understand why, even though it is obvious. The psychological issues often manifest in a variety of ways. Very real! I also ran away. Thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you so much for watching! When you write "we understand that we're different, but we don't quite understand why" that invokes such nostalgia in me. So beautifully put. Even though we are different from some people, I like to remember you and I and many others in this comment section and not, share this together. A different home, filled with people who understand us deeply, even though we don't know each other personally. :)
Thank you for sharing. I grew up as a child of a hoarder and it colored the way that I interacted (and still interact) with the world. It was hard to remember all the lies we had to tell people to cover. (When you talked about the shower I almost got physically sick because it reminded me of my situation and I 100% have lived the experience of unusable kitchen and broken fridge). Having to be responsible for these adult things is an example of parentalization - another type of abuse. I'm glad you are getting safe support so you can courageously heal. After more than four decades I no longer have the hoard hanging over me, but I'm still healing. My parent accepts no accountability, so I have to heal and move forward in spite of their denial.
Thank you Yvonne, for joining me on this struggle! It seems our circumstances were very similar.
I love that you said it colored the way you interact with the world.
Bringing in the trauma of parentification is brilliant, you're absolutely right, perhaps these traumas go hand in hand.
Healing without to receiving any apologies is SO POWERFUL! I love that. Painful I'm sure, because having someone not be able to validate your pain especially if they hurt you is VERY difficult. "Heal despite their own denial" (and pain)... so thankful you said that... really beautiful :)
We specialize in compassionate cleaning my team mate is a amazing person and cleaner. I am a retired nurse. So I can handle difficult feelings along with the bio hazard knowledge.
What a mature and respectful way to share. You are an inspiration xx
Thank you for watching Susan, and for your wonderfully encouraging comment :)
Agrees
You are a beautiful individual! It's wonderful to see you emerge from this situation with newfound self-assurance, recognizing that you are not at fault. I'm curious about your ability to form close relationships or consider marriage. Additionally, I'm intrigued if hoarding has left a lasting impact on you, perhaps leading you toward extreme orderliness. Having supported someone in a similar situation, I understand the challenges. It's heartbreaking to witness the agony of those affected by hoarding. It seems to stem from a need for control, intertwined with mental health struggles.
Thank you for sharing. I have some similar memories from growing up. To this day when I enter the hoard, it’s hard to know where one would even begin on the clean up. I have come to explain it like this to others: imagine taking a full full house and putting it in a snow globe, shaking the entire household, and everything lands wherever it lands. No rhyme or reason. It’s overwhelming for our brains.
Livy, thank you so much for watching. The metaphor of the snow globe is BRILLIANT, what an incredible way to explain to someone, who otherwise wouldn't be able to understand. I might steal that in case anyone ever asks me, as well. (Don't worry I'll give you credit haha)
I'm 73. My mom was a hoarder (among other things) and I remember my closet and dresser were full of her clothes. She also had two (2) walk-in closets full of her
clothes. But the worst were the newspapers and other trash all over the place. My dad had a cleaning lady come 3 days a week, and on Sundays, he'd throw out a big
pile of junk while my mom screamed and yelled. She got much worse after my dad died. Tina, Al's wife
Thanks for sharing, having a hoarder parent is brutal. It really felt disgusting living in filth and decay, and it often felt like objects would be prized and I was worthless. Stay strong, the fact you’ve done a lot of work on yourself is great! Keep on trucking.
You're so grounded and gentle, it is absolutely amazing and inspiring to see someone deal with their hurt in such a beautiful way. Thank you for showing me how one can heal gently. Sending so much love to you and yours.
Ann, thank you so much for watching and giving me the most beautiful/heartwarming compliment!
I am a full grown adult and I am still living in a hoarder parent house. And the parent would clean periodically and anytime they cleaned, they would scold me because I wouldn't 'help' them clean. As if I bought all the stuff. I tried to clean out their stuff but ofc the textbook reaction. And now I don't cleaned anymore. My room was my safe haven for some time but this year was so rough I stopped cleaning my room even. Now it feels like the room is an extension of the house. Pests are infesting it too. And now I'm listening to you after feeling so horrible that I almost harmed myself. And this gave me so much comfort and clarity on what was happening to me. And yes, I feel incredibly alone having to face this situation that never seems to end.
I didn't grow up in the conditions you're describing but a number of my friends did, and I really feel for them. On top of hoarding they also describe stories of neglect that seem to go hand in hand with this condition, and my thought after watching this video is how horrible it must have been to grow up there and know that if the secret of the house is revealed your family structure and your stability is in question....so you can never do the simplest, most natural thing and follow the impulse to tell anyone, because you feel *forced* to be complicit in order to survive. I imagine that leaves almost more damage than anything because you're trained not to seek help! Over and over again you mention being unable to get professionals in to fix things, and that's just heartbreakingly backwards
I have a similar experience as you. Maybe to a lesser extent, but I grew up in a small house that was falling apart. There was stuff everywhere. I remember my dad slept in the living room because my mom had a bunch of stuff on his side of the bed (and they didn’t like each other too much either). My family was dysfunctional and it's really hard to come clean about it to anyone because of the shame it brings. Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you so much for watching and for sharing your empathy with me. I so appreciate it.
20:01 LITERALLY SAME throughout elementary & middle school I felt this same exact way wtf bro. You’re spot tf on! I can relate to nearly everything here.
this is such an important and informative video thank you for having the courage to speak up💖 sounds almost exactly like my situation! it definitely makes it hard for me to feel clean or have relationships of any kind. nice to know im not alone
Somya I am so, so, SO grateful you understand. You bring up a great point, relationships are truly hard. They involve intimacy, and with this trauma so many of us share... that can be scary, especially while struggling with feeling clean.
I'm so thankful you took time out of your day to watch this! You most certainly are not alone, my friend :)
Hi, Sonya, would you like to talk about it? Maybe we could help each other out? 🥺
I thank you for sharing your experience ❤️ My psycho therapist has told me that sharing something negative /positive helps us to not feel alone and level down the feeling of shame. Stay safe 💜
Nice to hear your "CoH" story. My parents aren't hoarders but I sympathize with you as I look back on my cousins and few childhood friends of mine.
But I did grew up in another family's home during my elementary school years. My mom paid a woman, who lived with her family, to look after me before and after school. The house was always cluttered. Even to this day when I come to visit her and her older sister on Mother's Day, Christmas, and Thanksgiving. It's always the same every time I visit - same paintings, same birdcages, same stuffed shelves with old books, same unused cluttered living room filled with knick-knacks and tacky furnitures, same cluttered bedrooms, same "path" to move around the home. The back patio, with roof and screens, where I used to spend my time at, still cluttered with junk.
Don't know if it effected me but I had to tendencies to hoard a bit - hanged on old clothing that were given to me, but I think my hoarding is usually just me being untidy due to me being busy and lazy to clean up.
Now, I just keep it simple - one pan, one bowl, one plate, one plastic cup, one spoon, one fork, one knife... you get the idea. Though clothing is just 5 jeans and 20 shirts.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I really thought I was alone in this. Even though the show hoarders exists living like this really makes you feel like no one else could ever understand.
My parents aren't hoarders, but my mom could have easily become one without my dad. As an adult, the need to just throw stuff away - even stuff that I need - can be overwhelming when I'm stressed. Can't imagine how hard it must have been for you. Thanks for sharing your story.
So glad you had one parent to help the other!
Oof that overwhelm I totally understand. Thank you so much for watching :)
I grew up with a narcissistic hoarder mother. So bad I was taken away by cps but we still have irregular contact.
Through my adoptive family they say her apartment is an absolute war zone again with tiny walkways and stacks to the ceilings to the point you’re hardly able to move at all. I’m being forced to visit her apartment today and try to help her downsize for her upcoming move since she’s being kicked out of her apartment for hoarding.
I’m trying to mentally prepare myself to go straight back into what I lived in for so long, and straight back into all the arguments over garbage and trash. It’s not easy.
Good on you! Not from a hoarding home.. but had emotional incest and abuse. What you're doing here will be helping so many people. What a beautiful, courageous soul you are. You've clearly had the ability to stay soft and open despite the obstacles you've had to traverse in life. This is true strength. I will be praying for you ❤God bless 🙂
Thank you so much for sharing. This isn't a part of my life that I talk about often or in depth with anyone. I'm realizing I need to stop ignoring what happened to me, because it affects me in so many ways.
Some of the things you experienced were so similar to what I experienced. You are not alone.
Thank you so so much for watching Meg, and for sharing your empathy with me! I'm so glad you aren't ignoring you struggle anymore. You deserve to have attention and love given to you over this.
Sending you my love!
I love the compassionate style in which you speak of your parents hoarding, thank you. I want to be able to incorporate this when helping the close relatives of hoarders (as well as those who tend to hoard). I have hoarding struggle but have made a lot of progress in past 4 years.
I'm 20 living in nyc with my hoarder mother...Have been for many many years. Thank you for sharing your story, it resonated a lot.
My father was a hoarder. The house was a mess. I felt so ashamed. I totally relate to you!
Mindy thank you so much for watching this video and sharing your feelings and empathy.
The shame is one of the biggest issues we hold even after we have moved out and found our own true home.
Please know that the shame you hold isn't yours to bare alone (or even at all)!
Sending love to you Mindy!
My Dad Richard Ribble and my Step Mom Cindy Len Potter-Ribble were hoarders for many years during my childhood. My life living with them was hell for me, and for them. They abused me and neglected me. Now I'm still healing and getting my life together at 45. My daughter Alicia is doing great in her life. She still lives with me. She's my gift from God. No one is perfect in this life.
I came from the same exact background. Grew up with a single mother and grandmother. My mother was the hoarder. Both of them malignant in personality. I am a single child and it was very hard. Shame and embarrassment abound. The family would judge us and my mother would allow me to be blamed for her mess.
I found peace in art and video games. Wasn’t allowed to have friends visit, though I would sneak out at times during high school. If friends did visit, they were regulated to the front porch or living room. Felt like a prison.
I am now in my mid-30s. Escaped in 2016 when I was 30 and went on to be successful in my career. Haven’t spoken to my mother since (grandmother died years ago). It’s not that I’m not forgiving, I am a former people pleaser… but knowing that she intentionally hurt me and others causes me to leave her alone. She’s dangerous.
I am now in a loving relationship in a clean home. I thank the Heavenly Father everyday for liberating me from my old life. It took a lot of inner work and patience.
If any of you are still in this situation, I sincerely hope you can escape sooner than later. Wishing you much peace. ✨
Easy Peesy! Thank you so much for watching and commenting with empathy.
Being blamed for the mess sounds absolutely painful. If that happened I would loose myself to rage honestly.
I am so glad you found comfort in art and video games. I was the same including anime, manga, and films.
It is so powerful to know you need space from your parent and take care of yourself that way. It feels understandably difficult to be involved with some who hurt you, especially a parent since their job was to protect us instead.
I am SO GLAD you've found love and safety, and liberated yourself!
Sending all my best to you 💕
@@gaylakay4132 Thanks beautiful! I appreciate it! Sending my best right back to you! 🌻🌸💖
(Ive just been informed that there is a page on reddit called r/ChildofHoarder by user Plantsstudent !! Seems like a great way to grow a support system! )
For those of you who have commented, but your comment has disappeared or wasn't posted, I have reached out to RUclips hoping they fix it. I only get the notification people have commented, can read a part of it in notifications, but can't see it here to reply!
I don't want those of you who want to comment your story/feelings to be left in the dark so try responding to this comment instead if you are experiencing some difficulties. Hopefully this is a quick fix for those of you who are trying to comment! ✨
Hey Thank you so much for this video! I have dealt with hoarding so much that I've never really had a proper or clean home to call home even as a young child. After almost a third time trying to declutter this home, I am praying it can be done as much of my family guardians are becoming older. It's a long process and amazes me how easy the situation can become out of control. I pray everyone has a good 2022 with this healing and one day soon I'll feel free!
@@eugeniea.9285 Eugenie, thank you so much for watching!
It is not your job to clean another's home, but if you feel compelled to do so, then I hope it comes from a place of empowerment for YOU. To clean FOR YOU!
It "amazes me how easy the situation can become out of control" , that is a brilliant statement. It's like you turn around for one moment and turn back and the chaos is there again. I'm sending you vibes of EMPOWERMENT and empathy. I know you will feel free soon... and I can't wait for you to revel in that freedom!
Definitely cried and resonated with this video. I grew up in a very similar situation and when you said how you felt like you would never be clean is exactly how I felt. I am still terrified I smell or look dirty and I’m 23 now. Being a young girl in this situation is pretty devastating. Thank you so much for sharing! I would love to see a video on the long lasting effects. I personally still suffer from Doorbell Dread and social anxiety.
Thank you so much for this. This video was so incredibly powerful and healing for me. I always denied that my parents were hoarders, especially since they always insisted they weren’t (and still do). I don’t want to sound like I’m bashing them but they are also so incredibly lazy. I have such a hard time focusing on homework too cause I have ocd and I just can’t focus with the mess. What hurts the most are the broken promises of moving to a dream home and making up for all of the mess and clutter and family trauma. It’s been 10 years that they’ve been promising this. This video has helped me realize that I am not making stuff up or being overly sensitive and that this is the truth. I’m actually in a criminal justice program and have two positive officers that are like parents to me (my own parents genuinely don’t interact with me much) which has also helped with the healing. I have not told them about my living conditions because as much as I hate the filth and clutter, I do not want a whole bunch of family crap and drama. I am graduating in two years anyways so I’m just ride it out and make sure not to pick up my parents tendencies 💪
Girl, omg😭
I’d love to talk to you soon about this, this was very helpful.
I went through a somewhat similar experience. Appreciate your thoughts on this!
Thank you so much for sharing this video. I also grew up with hoarder parents and unfortunately I’m currently back living in their house. However, it helps me so much to watch these videos and read comments from people who have been/are going through a similar situation. Thank you ❤
Thank you Naomi for watching!
I'm so sorry you're back there right now, but so glad these videos/comments help! Sending you all my love 💕
@@gaylakay4132 Thank you ❤️
Hearing your story really resonates with me. Growing up, the pst 10 years, I rarely have friends over unless its ‘clean’. When they are over I feel so on edge like they’ll blame me or something for putting them in this environment. Those empty promises my parent gives have effected me so much that ive lost all hope for them. Their habits of procrastinating has passed onto me, and i dont know how to fix myself
Thank you so much for watching, Grace, and for sharing empathy with me.
I can understand the struggle with procrastination, I can struggle with this too! I don't think you need any fixing, perhaps its as simple as just doing things when they feel right for you to do. Those bursts of energy to get something done, thats the best time to take an action for me anyway. Don't be too hard on yourself!
Sending you all my love :)
What a beautiful young girl. You deserve only the best in life. I'm so sorry for your traumatic childhood and i totally relate to you. God bless you! 🙏🙏🙏
Thank you so much for this video GaylaKay. I cannot begin to tell you how much I relate to your words and experiences. I am a 33 year old male and I grew up in a hoarded house. I am also adopted and an only child. Both my parents (still living) have always been about 15 years older than my peers. My life has felt uncertain, strange, odd, gross, unique, confusing, painful and full of shame. I have always felt disordered in any category of life. I have had disorder and dysfunction with career, money, intimacy, gender, sexuality, eating/food, health and spirituality. You name it and Ive got it ass backwards (at least thats how its always felt).
Its felt hard to trust myself, my thoughts and my feelings about the world and the people in it. Everything has always felt staggered or splintered, incomplete or never started. I have been paralyzed by shame and fear most of my life. Its left me pretty negative and nihilistic to things, and Ive often felt contrarian to many topics of discussion.
Ive been working groups, therapy and programs for the last 6 years to understand myself and how to live better moving forward. Its been a giant pain in the ass, but at least I realize today (just like you) where a lot of this stuff comes from and that I am not alone.
I appreciate your honesty and vulnerability so much. I believe you have helped many people relate thru the comments Ive read, bringing us together. You've encouraged me today to speak more about it, put myself out there and pursue things that Ive wanted to do, just like your youtube page. You are no doubt a beautiful person inside and out. Keep kicking ass. Thanks a lot.
- Sean
Sean! Thank you so much for watching and taking the time to comment and share a part of your story! Its really amazing how similar our situation seems to have been. I really relate to the feeling you listed, and especially finding it hard to trust yourself. I struggle with this a BUNCH and I'm so thankful you've brought it up.
It is wonderful to hear how you've been committed to healing and awareness in the therapy and groups you've gone to, and yes they can definitely be a pain in the ass at times ahaha.
I'm so thankful you connected to this video and shared that empathy with me. Keep on kicking ass too brotha! :)
Unfortunately, this is relatable. I could never have friends over, and this led to me keeping friends at a distance. I eventually hid my friends away from my parents and couldnt have normal friendships or relationships. This has fucked my life over in so many ways and im glad its finally coming to light. Thank you for sharing ❤❤❤
Thank you for sharing. I am in my forties and my mothers hoarding has gotten progressively worse throughout the years. Nothing has changed though I don’t think she can change. It’s very sad and has isolated her and ruined her life because of this I get extreme anxiety when my house is messy which happens often having two kids a dog and a husband. But I need to remember that I am not my mother.
I still have to live with my hoarders Parents in my adult live because it’s so bad that it stoped me from having a good enough career to keep up with increasing cost of living and covid.
It makes me sooo incredibly depressed and angry. I will probably live under those circumstances from my parents for the rest of my live. It absolutely crushes me I can not continue living like this.
Just found your video and am feeling so hurt for you but also feeling less alone in my own experience growing up with family members like this. Thank you so much, we do recover and we do move forward no matter the circumstances we have to deal with ❤️
Holy moly this puts souch into perspective for me, especially the part where you describe dissociating to cope with the trauma. There are huge parts of my life that are just blanked out, and i thought i had come to terms with things i do remember but i think i have a lot more work to do.
Thank you for sharing this with us! I'm the daughter of a hoarder too and it's somewhat a relief that I'm not the only one who has gone through this because usually it brings so much shame and people have mocked me for so long. I was raised in a country where you "must" put up with situations such as these because it's your parent and they gave you life. I have lived for almost 23 thinking that my hoarder parent should have never had children just so they could not be alone in their misery. I know I must sound hateful, but it's pure frustration because I don't want to spend my life in such a sad mood.
If you have made it up to here, sorry for my English (second language) and thank you for your consideration and reading my rant.
Thank you so much for taking the time to watch this and sharing a bit of your experience too!
I firmly believe that just because someone is your parent does NOT mean they don't need to take accountability for pain they've caused you. Even if that pain wasn't intentional.
Wishing you didn't have to experience this is SO understandable. Anger and frustration are a part of the healing process.
You do not sound hateful, you sound relatable and valid!
Sending you so much love F.
(Your english was perfect in this comment!)
@@gaylakay4132 thank you for such a kind reply, I really appreciate that you took the time to answer to my comment❤ I hope you are doing okay whenever you have the chance to read this🤗
I am an only child raised by two hoarders. One being worse than the other cause one loved to shop at garage sales, bargain stores and even garbage pick and also loved things on the side of the road or anything free or on sale. Ironically my mother cleaned houses for a while and my father is a carpenter. But very rarely did things get cleaned or fixed in my house. I was trained to tell people we were “re decorating.” I had doorbell dread, immense shame and was grossed out a lot while at the same time not realizing how gross things really were. I begged my mother to “clean the house” (I couldn’t see why it couldn’t be a simple, easy fix.) I moved out temporarily at 19 then signed a lease at 21. THEN I put my parents on a hoarding show. I thought it would change our lives. I wanted to help them and I also wanted to move back home. I did move back home afterwards but shortly after they sold their house, the house I grew up in and finally saw “clean” and they started a new life in SC. I tried moving back in with them again at 25 but they still lived the way they always did and it felt very off so although I didn’t leave SC I stayed at a lot of friends houses. I have always had this dream of saving them and us being a happy family in a calm home but it never happened. They still live the way they do and although I still carry a lot of resentment and also see how my life has been effected by it in so many way… I do my best to talk to them cordially. It’s been hard though. Just wanted to share. ❤
Thank you so much for sharing and being so vulnerable. You are an amazing courageous woman helping others with your experience and strength.
A friend invited me to visit and gave me a tour of her house… it is a huge, once beautiful house but I could not really see it as there was only a narrow path left in hallways and the rooms, just to get thru. She still sleeps in her own bed, but the stuff is all around…I was kind of shocked as she is a bright, confident, professional woman “outside”. I started researching hoarding and mostly worry about the affect of this on her teenage children and found your video! I will do my research on how to help her, if she lets me.
Best of luck to you, beautiful young lady!
I can't describe how much comfort this video brought me
You are so brave and incredibly beautiful ❤
Thank you so much for watching Crystal!
I lived with my grandparents and father....all hoarders....and... there are no words....I chose to keep myself busy and out of the house. Please dont feel ashamed! My grandparents grew up during the great depression....so they were constantly dealing with a disorder that fed them the lie that they would constantly have to store things to survive