Why You Can’t Stop Thinking About The Narcissist - (Cognitive Dissonance)
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- Опубликовано: 11 сен 2024
- Cognitive dissonance is a big part of the healing journey once the relationship with a covert narcissist is long since over, that many of us suffer. It is essentially our brain trying to reprogram our experiences of reality as opposed to actual reality. It takes time to sort out our thoughts and thus the emotions that follow the behind lag to catch up. There are some things we can do to heal our brain and update our software, hopefully you will find this information beneficial. Please consider 👍, sharing and commenting. Thank you!
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When I saw the devil?? I immediately threw away ALL of our wedding gifts, pictures, ALL OF IT! I still have to go through cards? I'll get to that soon. I asked for a divorce, IT went crazy, started cheating, abusing cocaine, crack, blew up all our money. I kicked him out. Hardest thing I've ever had to do. IT was a covert narcissist, the very
worst! Divorced 2-2-23. 🎉❤
Lol! IT! Honestly that’s what I saw too. His eyes weren’t human but you sound crazy saying that to anyone else who hasn’t experienced it
@@Eleniexp, I know! 😂
I'm sorry you went through this hell, I hope you're healing and staying very close to whoever you believe in! 💓
Keep strong!
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Thank you Paula! This was totally helpful! Especially the part where you made me realize that the good times were only really good because of ME! Wow that was a light bulb moment and something I had not thought to contemplate. But it's true. Were it not for my house, my finances, my clean credit record, my education and career position, my lack of a criminal record, my positive outlook, my empathy, and my resilience, then most of the shared experiences we had wouldn't have even existed. So thank you for pointing that out because it's a new way of looking at the situation whenever Darkness My Old Friend comes knocking... I'm 1 year and 3 months no contact after about an 8 year physically, mentally and financially abusive relationship with him.
And stay Strong 🎉
Bravo!
Bless your heart.
Thanks for your comment, you are spot on. Yes, unfortunately, I seem to have attached all the good times that I created and accommodated onto him, my ex. I even got him out of trouble, because of my good reputation and honourable professional record. And like you, almost all of the best memories we shared ie trips etc would not have happened if it were not for me either planning them or paying for them. Unfortunately, however, I have connected and associate my ex with the place where we lived, the Rocky Mountains, and I am finding it hard to disentangle them both. I love the mountains, and hope to go back one day, but each time I think about them, a though of him instantly pops into my head, then I get whisked off on the fantasy again of us living on our ranch, with horses. It's a tough nut to crack! I have to keep referring to my list of his behaviours toward me to remind me of who he really is when this fantasy head kind of thing happens. I hope it will end one day. I think when I am able to simply go back to the Rockies, without him, and create new memories of the place, with just me, then the ties will be broken.
Keep on that wonderful path my friend 🌹
Very powerful message today Paula. 2 weeks and I will be NC for 1 year. I was “programmed “ for Narcissistic abuse. My childhood is full of memories from my original Narcissist, my father and other family members . All the odd memories have been deciphered with my Narc Deprogrammer. I looked at my ex Narcissist and actually uttered, “you are becoming my father”. He was gone in a few weeks after 10 years. 10 years of utter deception. I loved him with a pure heart. Now I know who he is and I think he knows I know what he is. He never was on my emotional level. I am stronger going through this experience. I remember listening to you a year ago and thinking how am I going to get there. I’m getting close. God bless from Minnesota.
That's a great way to look at it... What you said, 👉 "I am stronger going through this experience"... Yes! That Part! Once the healing has happened, and you rise above it all, it's so beautiful at the top of the mountain...
You can feel the healing. You become indifferent. I look at my Narcissists and realize how pathetic their lives have become. They are people of the dark and I chose the light. Look at old photos. You can see it in their faces. I didn’t see it and now I do. A quiet rage.
@@Ptowngirl I agree 💯 with everything that you have said. Yes, It's Indifference that I am feeling now... That's very true. I don't have any things that remind me of him now except for my daughter's and my granddaughters. But, before I burned all of the pictures of him, I could see the evil eyes, and his evil smile. He's an empty vessel. There's no soul inside of there.
His goal, and mission with me was to off my light switch. I can see that so clearly now. But, he couldn't put out my light. God put the light in me, and there's not a being on the face of this earth that can take it away from me. My Father Abba was with me the whole time. And, HE is the reason that I have survived.
Thank God for loving us, and never leaving us, or forsaking us. Glad that you are overcoming, and healing. It's amazing on the other side of the healing process. Praise the Lord...
Totally agree. Knowledge is the key. I didn’t have it. Once you have it you dissect your entire world. Your family, your past ex’s and your current relationships. I chose to let go of people who didn’t believe me. I am coming on 1 year NC. An incident happened over Easter weekend. I was out of state and he was Discarded out of my home by God. My daughter was involved. God said , I am going to get rid of him and lift the veil. The most powerful event in my life. He did try to switch the light off. Sometimes it’s hard to see them as they are: evil.
My ex was like my father, but much much worse. My father wasnt a narcissist though and was tame in comparison i..e just mild raging and negativity.
Narc's are masters as being INTRIGUING , it's how they hook you, and keep you hooked ! Their sense of self belief in being all knowing and their resolute superiority is so illusively convincing ! The trick is to remember iit is all just one big NARC CON ! Another fantastic video , our Paula ❤❤
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Cognitive dissonance is the key, once you break that, you don't have to ask anybody nothing. Music throughout your whole life has told you this stuff. U2's "with or without you" comes to mind...several others' " A horse with no name",.....
It's probably why empaths love music so much, it heals the soul subconsciensouly... It says what we don't know how to say.
Totally agree. Strange my Narcissist loved the America song. They use songs to make you remember them when they are gone. “In the Air of night” is about Phil Collins Narc ex wife. We have to take back the song and claim it for ourselves. God bless.
@@Ptowngirl I don't know about you, but I like both of those songs. Tell me something, Do you like "Hotel California"? How about "Turn the page"? The list goes on...
Thank you so much for this Paula. It’s been so hard because you’re so right…the cognitive dissonance is so real. I believed the mask was him and thought he was my soulmate so when the mask dropped I almost didn’t believe it..
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Very sad and painful, but is true
It's an instant and massive shock
When the mask drops it is a shock of a lifetime, because you have been groomed to believe this is your soulmate. The person you see is a stranger.😢
You must learn to stop emotional thinking about them and learn to let them go, don't worry about them I'm sure they have secondary resource just as long as it's not you, they'll go from person to person same old game just a different person 👍 Paula thanks for the video 🦋🙏
Agree with this.
Amen Gary
That’s crystal true, I saw it by my own eyes unfortunately!
I knew that he was a narcissist but I still cried daily. I missed him and hated it. How did this happen to me went round and round my head. I'm ruminated constantly. I thought that I would never get over him. I was in love with him. I was addicted and the withdrawals hurt. I spent hundreds of hours watching videos about narcissistic abuse. I slowly started to understand how I was groomed and chosen to be his next victim. I noticed that I wasn't grieving as much. He was no longer on my mind 24 hours a day. The tears weren't so quick to flow. I was getting stronger and I began to feel like my old self again. His love was really hatred. I saw how toxic he had been how he saw my strength as weakness. I remembered the tantrums that he threw. I am so glad to be able to say I'm totally healed and I'm living my best life now.
Thank You So Very Much.
I Needed To Hear This.
I’m Dealing With Sadness Depression
Loneliness Irritability.
What Really Hurts Me Is Being Used
Belittled Devalued And Discarded.
I’m Being treated Like I Never Existed. Once The Narcissist Is Done Hovering He Is Done With Me
Narcissistic abuse is Very Cruel.
🤗 😙💓 🤗
Yes Demi..it’s just that he’s only one little person with no love to give judging you because of how he feels about himself so it’s a very hollow subjective opinion 🌹🌹
Awe gosh, virtual hugs from someone you don’t know but has some understanding…
@@LushGalpal
Thank you 🙏
You had all the positive qualities. They were the vampire.
You still have all those positive qualities.
They are an empty, howling wilderness.
And to add..i am in my 60s...have realized that for ME...i am no longer relationship material...i am SO BUSY on making sure i am financially able to care for myself...my parents who are in their 80s at this point....my son who is only 29 and his 31 yr old wife who has stage 3 hormonal cancer ..on and on...i have no room for a guy...plus...I'm not dealing with his baggage either...amen
Sending prayers Lisa
My Narcissistic connection was labeled under a "Twin Flame" Dynamic.
Very heavy and dark soul draining tie.
I ended up homeless.
But the most important lesson i learned was that The Supreme Personality of Godhead protected me, moved me to calmer waters also with no contact with the Narcissistic energy.
I now have a place to live and slowly rebuild my life again.
Thank you for this channel, it's really helped my healing progress.
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I just watched the whole video now and wow you hit it on the nail. I’m reflecting on my childhood big time now and there has to be a connection on how I handled it so well ❤ he put his childhood trauma on me 😢 it’s all such an eye opener. Thanks Paula 😊❤❤❤❤❤❤🎉
You are so welcome
And I recognize that I long for a man to make me his top priority (as I had a father that was busy and he also died young).
Thank you, we do need to remember that we are not the ones who are disordered. Exposure to the disorder has contaminated us but we will get better because we can. Unlike the narcissist who will remain disordered forever
I can't believe I'm still ruminating over a woman that replaced me within 4 days.. as soon I wake up in the morning i think of it..it was so bad i didn't even wanna wakeup..strange dreams to of her to which would stay with me all day..for me it's because of the logic..there was no logic in her behaviour especially after the breakup..she was so vindictive after it ended...I've tried to get back to things enjoy but lack motivation so ive been patchy trying to get back to myself...when ye get no answers or cant understand it you end up just like this computer mode as Paula says..its true it was me showing her fun things to do and not her when I think back..I think it's best to be physically active because being bored leaves you on this bizzare hamster wheel..its hard to accept they are a narcissist and your conflicted between are they or not cause of the constant flattery and love bombing you get at the start..but a few months in and your instinct starts feeling that they have an agenda and the speed of the relationship is overwhelming..i think my ex just wanted a place to stay tbh..it was to early for moving in together and it was my boundary..we breakup on a Monday then boom! she's in a new relationship by friday..wonderful videos again Paula I do look forward to them!i enjoy them with a cup of tea! especially a fresh new one! Regards from mark again :)
Hi Mark..keep the faith you have wonderful times ahead 🌹
The ex narc and I did so many things around my immediate surroundings near my home, like a gazebo overlooking a pond or driving a golf cart on the grounds on our first date in the same place I go for a walk every day right near my home. At first these memories felt like they poisoned my entire daily experience after the break up each time I'd be forced to see these places over and over. His grandmother still lives down the street from me so I know he is around at times visiting her and bringing the new girlfriend. I even ran into them once on a walk. I felt so angry these places didn't feel like mine anymore. Then I began mentally and emotionally "taking them back". I reminded myself that this was MY home and my community and I belonged here as someone who brings love to wherever I am. I also continued to heal myself in different ways. When I walked and saw these old places and memories I consciously would run a new memory for myself of this being my home and where I belonged. I did this almost every day. Then one beautiful night when I felt more healed and filled with contentment and optimism, I went to the gazebo overlooking the pond with all the old memories there and parked my car and decided again to make this my new memory with my love for my life and the simple beauty of stars and moonlight over water.
I love the explanation here in this video that the reason that memory was so good is because of the love that we brought to it. Our own ability to feel emotions and to be genuine in who we are. Genuine to ourselves. Not living in delusions of power like the narcissist who cannot even enjoy the pleasures of true love and reciprocity. Why should I be sad when I have the capacity to love, to feel positive emotions, and witness the beauty in life? They tell themselves they are better than you and better off, but without the ability to experience the full range of human emotions like love - the BEST one we have - why do we delude ourselves into thinking they are better off than us? It's a lie they want us to believe. They try to convince themselves too, hoping you'll buy into their make-believe story.
Beautiful
What great advice today, Paula. Cognitive dissonance is a hard one for me. I’m starting to understand “how” and “why” I got trapped with a narc, yet did not act on my better judgement concerning all of the red flags early on. It was all so confusing. You are right, a traumatic childhood possible put my brain into gear, and I felt I should continue to pacify vs. generate more conflict and chaos. I realize that was wrong. Very deep stuff. Thank you for the in-depth explanations and remedies.
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Thank you, Paula. This talk came just in time; I was about to succumb to a hoovering by Narc, for old times' sake ' and attend a function. Noooo! Caught just in time to make my apologies!
Nice Gabrielle 🌹
Love the buffering computer analogy Paula. I so want to be able to download new software and make myself resistant to any Narc viruses! Thanks for the great ideas about building new memories in the places you associate with the Narc. I did this deliberately last year after discard, we went on a lot of country walks during lockdown and I didn't want to stop going back to those places because of him. It gets easier the more you confront these memories. Last week I got invited to a friend's 50th birthday party which will be at the same venue myself and the Narc went to salsa lessons. The place he made me dizzy and literally put me under a spell. So I'm looking forward to celebrating my lovely friend's special day with some lovely friends, some I won't have met before with a drink and a dance. 🥳💃One day I will wake up and not think about him and not even think that I'm not thinking about him! We can do this. 💪🏻
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It took time to detangle myself from the trama bond...once i did i saw exactly what and who i was dealing with....the fog and glitter was gone and the excruciating daily rumanation was gone....and then i focused on myself that was going down the tube really fast...had to save myself...narc is cut off .gone..no amount of hoovering could EVER draw me back in...it is an assured death at this point...i finally feel repulsion at ever being with this demon again....
Yes, everything you said is what I'm still going through. All day every day still think about him. It's not what I want. I want to FORGET ABOUT HIM 4EVER!! I am trying very hard.
That Simon and Garfunkel song,, done by the grunge group Disturbed, is dark and menacing. My ex narcissist was obsessed with it. One Sunday, I arrived home from church, and his plan for the day was that I would perfect the vocals of the song. He pushed me to sing in a base range, while I'm a metsosoprano. I quickly became upset and refused any more of it. It was a far cry from the songs of praise at church.....He wanted me to worship the darkside and I would not!! He was quite upset with me. After I kicked him out, he'd listen to that 'hello darkness my old friend' song on repeat. A clear prayer to the unholy.
Was at Court today. He has been diagnosed with cognitive disorder and neurological disorder. Will be on medications in a place for these problems. But what they don't know is that he was medicated and abusing me . A neurologist was suggested for his neurological issues. Will be treated for a year. The Courts/ attorneys don't understand narcissistic behavior. I saw him in the courtroom for the first time. Looks good, not on medications. He must be exercising in jail. I had no feelings when seeing him. I am walking , dancing & swimming to care for myself. Am relieved to hear he had NPD because now I know I was not " crazy" like he kept telling me. He is lying to the Courts about him not being on medications. He abused me on medications. He will never change, he is unable to. If I do have down times I sing, read, exercise, play piano. Am still trying to figure out what happened to me as a child. I think it was neglect & hugging love. Yes, I reject anything he did/ said to me. He conned me and don't want any more of it. Get help it works.
Awesome! For myself, rumination is about those things that you wished happened in a relationship or in the past such as youth but did not take place, or take place the way that would make us happy. The manifestation that did not happen many moons ago , is still not going to happen. I trained myself not to ruminate and it took a long long while. Great topic. Notice we do not ruminate about positive things, I did not, only the negative and how it could have been much better. Correlation: Past belongs in the past.
ANOTHER masterpiece.. People, you WILL HEAL..
Excellent Video, and Advice about this topic Paula! The ruminating, and cognitive dissonance was the most difficult part of it all in my humble opinion. I thought I would never get past it. But, It's been 5 years since the discard, and I'm finally feeling free now. All of your suggestions for overcoming this are spot on! Thank You for all that you do to help overcome the traumatic abuse.
Really good to hear Meredith 🌹
"Blast cognitive dissonance where the sun don't shine!" 😂 💯 Paula. Best topic
That’s what I did! I turned the false memories into the true reality. Over and over again! It was a huge help. Also complete no contact. As well as seeking support! It is possible to move on no matter the damage they do! It takes a commitment to you!
Once again a great video Paula
You was bang on about my bad childhood, being brought up by my father, as my mother was an alcoholic and narcassist.
I didn't stop thinking of the her every day
I blamed myself
Once you go no contact for an amount of time your brain seems to work out what really went on
I at last don't keep thinking and thinking
I don't care ,I hope she is happy abusing someone else
I like myself again ,
But I still get days when I think of her, not cos you miss her,but cos you can't believe people like her exist
When you don't care you've moved on ,
You see these videos and think this won't happen to me
How wrong was I😂
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I'm 10 months out now, but 9 months NC. This video was important because it still happens even now when I compare who I was to now and then and for some reason keep feeling stronger and now weaker. In reality, I have been isolated from the entire world because I can no longer speak to people without now assessing them and their agenda. Its horrible. The thing is, I went and met another narcissist straight after and then realised I was surrounded by lower level narc's including my mother. I've got to learn new skills to change the neural pathways in my brain as it is physically agonising to even consider leaving my house and having to hold small talk with a stranger. Part of me just wants to end all this and go back to the innocent me who could function better but now all those coping skills no longer work and I can't use them any more. Everything has changed. It wasn't an instant thing it was a progressive thing as I began to see just how many narcissistic people there are and we're around me. They all had to go.
Comfort breeds complacency... It makes me believe that there's nothing else out there for me to achieve. It makes me feel like I'm just living for the sake of it. This video has been extremely helpful in pin-pointing why I keep choosing him when I know he's not worth it. My abandonment issues and fears of rejection don't have to hold me back!
Well said!
I healed myself theough no contact while still in the same house with my narcissistic wife. I removed her from my mind and praying daily to God to release me from the bondage I have no means to move out without finance. I believe I will move out one day. However, I will maintain the no contact principle to safe and protect myself spiritually.
The best way to treat obstacles is to use them as stepping-stones. Laugh at them, tread on them, and let them lead you to something better.
My rumination comes from reliving certain events concerning my narcissist mother and her narcissist priest partner in crime and desiring to redo my words and reactions to them. It has taken me a lot of practice to lessen the time I spend on them. I don't feel sad. I feel angry.
Omg I can't wait....really want this to be OVER. I need out 9f this house, not a home.
I relate thoughts of being with the narc to stepping in dog poo...i may have done it once on accident but I'm not going to step in it again on purpose 😂
Ephesians 6:12 NLT
For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.
Yes
Today is one of these days... I miss him so much. It hurts to the point that I just want to scream and cry. Rip out my heart for the pain to go away. I keep listening to the recording. Not to be tempted to break the no contact. Day by day, it will get better. Day by day...
Hang in there, you are strong and amazing! You are very brave
Me too! But I keep thinking about the bad things he did, how he cheated without an ounce of care or empathy for the pain and heartbreak, the put downs, the insults, the lack of remorse, guilt.
Thank you Paula, this really helps me, I feel like an idiot and yet I know that I’m not, I just want to be free of this situation. I’m really trying to rid myself of the cognitive dissonance, I hate it. Your videos really help.
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3 years for me just entered therapy was not getting anywhere.......real mind bender, closest I have ever been to pure evil..........
Great video and it's something we still find happens long after knowing what we were dealing with and how lucky we are to be away from any further damage. I've said before, that the thing that helped me most is to validate MY love and MY happiness and MY memories were very real. Were we duped? Yes. But I also had many experiences I wouldnt have had without meeting him. He still pops up into my head two years after the discard and as that was my birthday, that will be hard to forget, but now, I actually don't care. I'm not even sad about it. Darkness may be our old friend, but Time is certainly our best....🥰
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I work with mine 😢. I found out after I was ghosted I looked it up on google and it brought me straight to a narcissist! I have been learning ever since. He has all the 9 trades of a narcissist! So I decided to distance myself little by little. ( never been bedded. (Luckily I work in a different department so I don’t have to see him that often, but when he decides to come around I do talk to him to keep the piece….. I hear they can be very mean when they want to be. So far I have learned about 29 different girls! He’s always going on vacation- ( different girls). ( triangulation ). But I pretend that I don’t know what he is. It does hurt cause he can be a sweetheart when he wants to be….. but I have to keep reminding myself “ I am and I deserve better “.
Plus hearing everyone story helps me to stay away………💔
How is it that 2 siblings can suffer from childhood trauma, and one turns into a narcissist, and the other stays an empath? 😢❤
That's exactly what happened with my sister and i (she became a narcissist) and I'm still an empath, (though she's mirrored my traits to appear kind and empathetic to be liked in society) 🩷💞🩷
@@Beth00009 , it's truly sad, and I really don't understand HOW this happens 😞
@Sandi Gollahon me neither. I think there's genetics involved, or they're just staying shelled up and not being vulnerable and authentic (there's also issues in the empathy and other issues in areas of their brains). empaths have more mirror neurons. There's a 3 year age difference between mine, she's older (maybe the damage was done before i was born, but there was always a spiteful vicious competitiveness with her early on 💜❤💜
@@Beth00009, WOW! Empaths have more mirror neurons? I've never heard of this.
Well, I'm the oldest, and had to grow up real fast at the age of 7, when my parent's divorced, and my brother is the baby; he was about 4 year's old when my parent's divorced. He was always in trouble at a very young age. I remember trying to tell my parent's, "He's crying out for help." They said, "Oh, he's just going through a "phase." I knew better. He was stealing from me, stores, no one listened to me. He's been a drug addict all his life, I and out of jail, prison. I thank you for sharing your wisdom with me. 🥰🙏💥💫💦
One feeds the good wolf and one the bad I guess Sandi
Great content Paula. One of my many mantras " you don't get to do this to me " I was in the fog for sooo long. But one day I realised that if I stayed in that miserable energy state no one would won't to be around me and it felt too heavy to carry. So I slowly started to rise above that sad state and looked forward, telling myself " what's the alternative " I'm happier, healthier and lighter, thankfully some ppl never left me but more ppl are returning. It's tough but we can all do it and must. Someone said " don't let what happened to you define the rest of your life". RESET needed. Thank you for these videos, Paula ....
Good to hear such progress sounds great Tina
@@NarcCon thank you for all your explanations making sense out of this nonsense. Your guidance and support give us the tools to push forward. PRICELESS. Head down a***e up when your going through hell keep going.....
Dated a covert narcissist for two years had no idea what a narcissist was all her manipulation ,silent treatment, demands on me to literally become a father too her young kids which I did I loved them both having my own kids tho in their teens and 20's they became an extension of mine.I did everything school runs homework Santa .. birthdays up late wrapping and buying presents etc .But never enough for this woman and after many hurtful half effort disguards I wanted her that she will do this once to often and I will walk .On new year's Day this year she did it and I couldn't believe she did after the month of December were not only is it Christmas but also her son her daughter and her birthday.I had the whole month taken over yet again to pander to her schedule considering I have also to take care of Christmas for my own home and kids.She left all my gifts in a bag on the kitchen floor and his upstairs with her kids knowing I would never have a arguments Infront of the kids.I had enough I walked and haven't spoken to her since even tho I see her everyday in the gym were we met.No contact 1000% I haven't budged even tho she has been smearing me in the gym playing the victim to others I am just getting on without her even tho I was in a dark dark place for the last 5 months.She has told men in the gym she is on dating sites and looking for her real love etc just showing how superficial and fake she really is.
That's it---the cognitive dissonance--the craving of the Dark! Addiction, plain & simple! And mine isn't even involving a romantic interest (tho I've had that before). My narc is a friend, a role model, a mommy figure. Nonetheless, it's a craving due to the fact that I was raised by narcs. So I've actually sought out narcs my whole life. Even though I was in therapy & on an awakening journey for decades! It's so frustrating! I know better, but when it comes to this narc (& other narcs), I'm weak & often don't do better. Uuuuggghhhh! Thanks for this video & for breaking down how the old program functions. Very beneficial for me, like a breath of sane air! It takes time to "update the old software".
I see it as the lotus fully formed now but thinks her home is still the mud & avoids the Light! Time to begin stepping out into the Sun! ☀️🌟
This makes SO MUCH SENSE!
I just started thinking about at even the "fun" times there was manipulation and Sabotage of the event. The only times That sabotage didn't happen was when large groups of people were around and would have noticed. The narcissist public show. But now I remember small whispers in my ear About how to act and portrait myself. So damaging now that i look back.
I can do this, I am scared, but I can do it x thank you for this video, it is exactly where I am, you have hit the nail on the head for me, I thought I had done hard yards before and now I realize I’m not done yet!
I have been doing this. I remind myself that. I helped create that good time/s I was there. I experienced MY own part in the making of those times. He put a dark mark on all of that!
We've got to fake it till we make it! And we will make it!
Perfectly timed Ms Narc Con ❤ what I’m dealing with now
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Thank you Paula. My mum is a narcissist and so I got dangerously entangled by one who I work with, in an affair, as it felt like hone. I’m a year down the line and both narcs are pushing back, as I’ve changed, and they need me to change back. I love them both from a distance, and pity them, but I’m not going back there no way. I see them as being defiant toddlers, and this helps me. I’m dealing with 2 toddlers in adults bodies. Always on the edge of a tantrum if I don’t do as I’m told. I don’t want to have a sexual relationship with a toddler in a man’s body, thank you very much lol xx
So grateful for all you are doing and have done for us.
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Thank you my oldest daughter hurt me so bad I can never go near her again. She also caused my best friend to stop all contact who happened to be her step mother. I am devastated and left in shock and yet realize it's meant to be I think. It's hard because I talked to my best friend every day for the past 15 years.
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This has been one of your most helpful podcasts. I'm keeping track of all the most helpful ones, This one is at the top, along with "How the Narcissist Gets You to Play a Hoover Game (Reverse Hoover). I am so grateful!
Glad it was helpful!
So loving & helpful, be encouraged!
I finally understand what cognitive dissidents means. Thank you paula. I was struggling with that to understand what it meant. I am seven months out of the discard and I still ruminate and fantasize about seeing him. He has hoovered me once about four weeks ago, but I was prepared for it. I actually had a premonition about it. So I did not have much of a reaction. I am in the sober recovery community. And that is where I met him. I feel he is evil personified, and I am distancing myself from my thoughts of him. Still thank you for all that you do to help others understand this baffling disorder. Merry Christmas.
20:31 I am currently at this stage, I really am so grateful Paula for your truthfull knowledge, your encouragement and gift to bring light. I would have not been able to find my path out after the ruthless disgard, I’m in week 4, still trying to make sense and in survival with my 2 girls, your life giving words are so welcoming and refreshing. Thank you. Belinda
Day by day Belinda..there’s some wonderful light coming 🌹
Since its not easy to erase someone I have invested time and energy into for 16 years, In my case it became a habit to preach it in my mind why this narc is no good, demonizing them even, so if they ever try to crawl back into my life, Ill be ready to not fall for their fake charm
Yes this is spot on with what’s happening with me! 😢I can’t understand why I sometimes think maybe I’m wrong and he’s not a narcissist;( but the last few days have been rough!
I was methodical getting rid of everything he had ever given me … and we are only talking a few cans of soup a crystal ..candlestick…. until I came to look for a pendant he “bought “ me for my birthday in 23 … he had already taken it 😮😂 and he took it before that discard!! Prob around the neck of the new supply
100 % accurate analysis, I don't know how you do it Paula. These vids you make are so helpful for me as I'm feeling better and better from each one. This one on cognitive disodence I've watched 3 times back to back to not mis anything. What a jewel this video is and the techniques you said to use.
....got to cut my grass today and work around the house, and I'm already looking forward to
" rewriting " over the old program a new program. . .thanks Paula
Lovely..keep going..🌹
This is wonderful. I need this SO bad.
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Excellent!!! So helpful to realize this Paula.
Johnny Cash. Important to listen to the whole song. Even just to listen to the gorgeous voice.
This is exactly what I need. With clear instructions on how to implement. Thank you so much.
Every video is spot on. Thank you ❤
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Paula, I've stopped listening to the past music. Even back then it was sad. I'm uplifting music or none at all type now. It is very freeing.
I have make a lot of New memories. Out of my comfortzone.
Meet a lot of New People. Time after time.
It makes you stonger. And listen to the potcasts about narcism. There are so many narcists in my world! But I see them now! So easily...
Greets from the Netherlands
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Amazing, educational video - as always, thank you !
I found that after my 13 year relationship disolved with my Narc Ex, evry time I thought or remembered a lovely memory that caused me pain - I made myself think of THEEE negative memories ( not hard ! ) & I re programmed my brain.
I've been out of the relationship for 4 years now - I feel like I have a kind of psychic/mental AIDS from being abused in this way for so long. Nothing feels right. I might have 2 or 3 good days in a row, then it's a week or 5 of torment before I get any respite.
This is brilliant! The update idea is spot on and makes total sense. Thank you!!!!!
Bless you 🙏 Paula... With your advice you have supported me coming out of a dark hole where I didn't know which way was out. The N in my case was a massage therapist who groomed me... Then helped me have a nervous breakdown so then could be there to save me. Through watching your channel I can understand now all that really happened exactly as you describe it.Thanks for being the light ❤ 20:36
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When I was first beginning my healing journey THIS VIDEO made a big impact on me. Eight months along I can say Paula’s insights here have been truly helpful. At first it felt like a life line and it was so difficult. But today, my brain has been rewired concerning my relationship with the narcissist.
This is brilliant 🎉
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Say “I do not consent” every time you start to ruminate
Absolutely 👍
I realize it's not about them anymore. Amen
I love you!! So glad to havd found your channel.
I only suffered 3 months this time (after 5 years alone with God / finding Jesus). And it's HARD to get out after the amazing lovebombing. God led me to your channel. HalleluYah! I feel sane here!!!
A friend at my house church also prayed over me (she had mentioned narcissist earlier...saying you could have 9 loving people in a room - but if there's 1 narcissist, that person will such the life out of the nine - so my spirit knew i could trust her and i ended up telling her my story and then my tears flowed as i exclaimed "the trauma bond is so real) so she prayed delieverance, healing and our promises in God and of God's protection against the schemes of the enemy. That helped me to regain my peace too. It's only 4 days i've been no contact but he keeps making new email addresses to write to me from... and he sent me a video of marriage proposal. I could feel the soul tie i had tried to break come flooding back through my whole body. I was so tempted. I cannot lie. But I am a single mother and my child's well being comes before my fleeting cognitove dissonant desires. 😬
Without God I'd probably have been putty in this man's hands at this stage.
The book of proverbs is helping me stay out of cognitive dissonance too. . .
Yes. Fear none but God. And may God's will be done. And may we stand steadfast against the wiles of the enemy. In Jesus' mighty name.
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Lisa Romano video 📹 = I am enough no matter what from 12 days ago 👍
In my situation, I face a very peculiar issue now: I knew my wife she was 14, and I 21. We are together since 1981. She wasn't absolutely displaying narcissist signs. 1988, We got married, six years later we had our first and single son David, 29, lawyer, from there on I felt she turned her attention into our new-born and left me aside a little. Since then I have never felt a tiny difference the way she treated me but by now she displays a covert malignant narcissist traits and I hold back to our prime years of love, intimacy, sex, happiness and I feel very sorry to let her go. I just love her. I do feel i am a coward to let her go...
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When my mother passed away 6 years ago, part of the grieving process was that she popped into my mind every morning, as soon as I woke up and opened my eyes. My heart would squeeze and tears would come to my eyes. Now, post walking away from a three decade friendship with a narcissist - feeling as close as sisters, I also wake thinking of this lifelong friend. This grief is different, but it’s still grief. I have been diverting my thoughts away from false loving memories by reminding myself of how horribly I was treated. But I like your advice better, Paula. To instead focus on why the relationship was a good one, when it was good. And that is because of what I brought to it. When I look back, there really wasn’t much she brought to it except for manipulative hoovering. Thanks for another great video that confirms I am on the right track. The healing continues! 💕
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Yes, go to those places, grieve the last time you were there, and then put that aside and do something there that will make a new memory .. your own .. reclaim the place as yours alone
I love this video.
Finally something i can do to stop thinking of her.
And....when I DO think of her, i will immediately put it in the true perspective of it was ALL me providing the good times, while she would "just show up" (her words).
Hey I just want to thank you for this video i remember watching this video when I freshly just end things with him and at that time I didn’t think I would later struggles so much with cognitive dissonance.. I didn’t even know what it was. But after a while today it just pop up on my RUclips and I watch it again, and now I really understand now. For some reason the way you explained things make it easy for me to grasp becos I’ve watch others channel that talk about it too but it never really register on my head but this video really did tosay. Your doing amazing work thank you
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You’re amazing! I love the way you communicate 💕 thank you
Thank you so much!
Brilliant video and very helpful. I definitely still waste too much time in my thoughts and want it to stop.
Thank you.
Ditto!
Good to hear John 🌹
This is how i am feeling. Shoooooo not good for me. But is the first thing i think of. Just wish i get over it.
Through our endocannabiond system our brains update eat hemp cannabis . Love from Albuquerque shared. Excellent video.
This is a beautiful video paula… i was the one who made those memories… she was an empty vessel … this makes me think of all the times i used to kiss her and then kiss her forehead and tell her i was kissing her soul..it’s a little sad cause now i realize she didnt have one … i’m rewiring paula .. God Bless you
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Thank you for talking about the stuff. Because he lived with me, I did my best to get almost all of it out but while Spring cleaning, I am finding more. Thank you for reminding us to be gentle in the process of releasing and acknowledging the grief. This week he told me he has never loved another woman like he loved me. I didn’t respond but so much of me wished it was true. Then today he had a special event and he talked about very personal things that had been lost in the last 6 years and he didn’t even include in the list “the loss of a significant relationship”. It was so painful to see all the acknowledgment and appreciation to others, but I was left out. During the lockdown we were separated by distance but talked sometimes 6 hours a day. Anyway, it hurts. And it’s weird. Life was easier without social media.
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Another wonderful video! Life does go in and new memories will replace the old. Just let him go. Don't allow him to take space in YOUR life. Allow the new to happen!
Thank you, I love the idea of talking back to the voice. I brought the love, support, kindness, empathy, and quite a bit of the fun.🎉
Thanks Paula, your instructions are powerful and help me build strength and assurance .. currently going through the houver agenda ...I'm staying strong...no contact....
Agree very powerful message! Thank you Paula ❤
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Brilliant as always, Paula. Many thanks. You invariably help me understand what has and is happening. I am no longer wishing her back, but I am still feeling shock and pain dozens of times a day post-discard. It's scary sometimes as I've never experienced this in any other way in my life. Only with her! It's as if the trauma is stuck inside my body and spirit and having to work its way out.
This was a great video, thank you Paula ❤
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Hi Paula, This is an excellent video. You are right on target when it comes to reprogramming yourself. I'm starting a RUclips channel (under a different account) and, after much consideration, will be telling a story where I got played by someone whom I believe has a personality disorder. There is a specific reason why I'm telling this story as I learned a lot from the situation and it will be the start of my channel. However, I didn't realize how deeply this situation still impacts me even though it happened a while ago. Before watching your video, I realized that in telling this story, it was an opportunity to transmute the situation (neutralize the charge) so that it no longer impacts me. And your video goes right along with this philosophy. I completely agree with you that it's important to reprogram the cognitive dissidence. Additionally, there is one thing I'd like to point out...these people are hardly ever alone. Energetically speaking it's almost always two against one. It's like you're standing there alone and they're with someone else. The fight is never fair (energetically speaking). These people are usually energy vampires.
Absolutely and blessings for your channel..let us know the name in comments 🌹
@@NarcCon Hi Paula, This is the channel. ruclips.net/channel/UCafsDNTcKBfTx0iGqFTm-qQ - No content yet but there will be within the next few months. The first major topic will be how to identify people with entity attachments as well as how to clear attachments. It's basically one step past narcissism as I believe a lot of narcissists have attachments. Thank you for the work that you do. All the best to you and your channel 🙂.
Thank you!! What helped me is when she attacked me. I love your analogies.
That was powerful. I am prone to ruminating and the go is to simplify the perspective of what "it" was. I fell for fake and now realize how damaging being agreeable to that fantasy is.😂
Thank you Paula enjoying your chat once again ✌️
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Hey guys, i am just going through a thing right now and I have written down my thoughts towards this person. Maybe this helps someone see things clearer:
"How can I stop thinking about the narcissist? When you stop having empathy for him.
And people who have emotionally abused me don’t deserve my empathy."
Dear ...,
You’re a narcissist, just like your dad, and you are a victim of his narcissistic abuse.
But because you don’t want to BE like him, you don’t see that you already ARE like him and you project all your bad behaviours on other people and blame them for everything, so that you don’t need to feel it. You are continuing the circle of abuse, and you‘re not even aware of it.
You made me feel small and discarded me, just like your father treated you, i assume. Actually you just discarded yourself, like he did to you when you were a kid, because all you do is just a projection.
You devalued me and devalued yourself. Because noone valued you.
You did not love me because you don’t love yourself, because noone loved you when you were a kid.
You said I‘m psycho, because you know you are a psycho yourself and you need therapy to heal from your father‘s abuse.
You manipulated me, because you were manipulated yourself by your father, when you were a kid and you don’t know how to handle things in a respecting and loving way, cause you got no love or respect from your dad.
All these words that come out of your mouth are only projections of your broken Self, which you don’t want to look at. Because you‘re scared. And it’s scary, but I‘ve already been there years ago. And it did not break me. So you can’t break me either.
I wish you would be so smart to see all this and reflect this, but you probably never will. This work takes years and you are almost 40 already. Chances are pretty low that you will ever understand these dynamics. You rather blame other people than looking at yourself, so you wouldn’t need to feel the pain that’s buried deep inside of you. But everyone knows, sooner or later. You can’t hide it. You think you are smart, but in fact you are not and your behaviour is predictable. Though still you are underestimating the people around you. It’s totally crazy. But that’s of course part of your disorder, which is also why you will never be able to wake up. And your life will forever be like this.
But I am not sorry for you anymore.
I tried to find a solution for us, I tried to show you how much i care, that I want to really know who you are. But you feel pressured and constricted by me. You couldn't let me in. You don’t want to show me who you really are. You’re just showing a fake self of the person you WANT to be. A person you could accept. But deep down you are not this person you are representing. You cannot handle true love and empathy, because you don’t know these feelings. You never felt them yourself, because noone was ever empathetic with you or cared for you.
This is why you are blocking me. This is why you did not want to talk or even see me after we broke up. You are blocking away feelings that you are scared of, because you don’t know em. And you know that I know what‘s really going on inside you. You are scared.
You will stop blocking me when i have carried on with my life and have forgotten about you. And when you realize that I am actually ignoring you. You will sense that I don’t want you anymore, and then you will text me, trying to get me back into your life. Because that is the only behaviour you feel at home with. This is how your father treated you, and this is what feels good for you. You don’t know it better. You love being treated bad. Because that’s what you think what love is.
But it’s not. It’s sick and selfdestroying, and it is destroying others, too. I know it exactly, because I used to be just like you when i was a teenager.
And still i sometimes tend to accept someone treating me bad, but I know that I don’t deserve to be treated bad. I am worthy and I deserve better than your bullshit. This is why i left so many times and why I struggled feeling love for you or block you. But the answer is clear, since you don’t want to work on yourSELF.
Thank you for blocking me, you really helped me. And I know you did not want to, because you need my attention. You need everyone‘s attention to not be empty. But you are.
Attention is what you needed as a child, just like me. But in this world, you are forcing everyone around you to give attention to your fake self, by the roles you are playing. You are trying SO hard to get to be seen. But this is not love. Because you are not showing your true self. You just get fake love for your fake role. And this is the last attention that you will get from me. Because you can not play me anymore. Your roleplay sucks.
I know exactly how you ”feel“ right now, if ever you could call it that, because actually you are numb to your own feelings. You are selfcentered, but only on the superficial parts of yourself and not on the things that you should really have a look at. You are unreflected and you‘re acting like a child; because you never grew out of this pain that you experienced as a child.
This is also why you could never reflect this the way I do, you’re just not able (yet). You just don’t understand. You‘re still a kid and you should really grow up. How?
Stop destroying people who show real empathy to you. You don’t deserve them until you have accepted yourself truly and worked on your trauma. Do yourself and others a favour. Stop being a d*ck and learn to have EMPATHY. Or in your own kind words: Get a doc! Have some empathy for yourself first and heal your inner child. Then you can have empathy for others, too. And you don’t need to fight so much. Cause your life is just another world war.
You know what?
I am working on it, too. To finally stop draggin people like you in my life. People that are emotionless, unreflected and manipulative.
People who are just like my own dad was. Funny, right? What a coincidence…
No, it’s not.
We were just re-playing these role plays of both our childhoods. That’s all. It was all a theatre play and to be honest, all this drama with you actually indeed felt like a fucking role play. I always asked myself if this was at all real, I could not believe my eyes or ears. I never wanted this.
I wanted a relationship, a real connection. But how can you have a real connection to someone, who isn’t real himself?
We did not have a relationship or anything close. We only have both experienced narcissistic abuse by our parents individually. This was just a restaging of our traumas. This was the only connection we had. This was why we fell in "love" so quickly. And this is why I will never want you back in my life ever again. Because this was not real. This was trauma bonding. And I never saw it clearer.
This is why you do what you do, why you need a stage. You need a stage to show your fake self to the world, getting attention and applause for it. This is how you receive confirmation for your fake identity. If you did not have that, you would be left with your real self. And you cannot handle who you truly are. You are rather someone else, to not feel the pain. And you are a good musician and a good choir leader.
But do you know who you are in your heart? Fucking lonely.
You can never destroy me. Because I know you.
I have already been there. Ages ago. And I am far ahead of you, baby. Your mask has dropped.
But please, don’t think I am mad or sad. Cause I‘m not.
I don’t take your behaviour personally, because it was never personal. Why? You never saw me as an individual. I was only an object for you without a soul. But it’s a projection of yourself again.
Cause you don’t have a soul. Or at least it’s buried very deep in the ground. You would need years or decades to dig it up. And you don’t have a shovel. Too bad.
Your 'love' for me was never real. It is fake just as you are, or the fucked up reality you live in. You are not real. And this is why I don’t miss you.
Yet still I am rather empathetic here, with you. Even if it doesn‘t seem like it… I could also just let you create toxic relationships forever and don’t give a fuck.
But compared to you i give a fuck, even about people who don’t seem to deserve it. You.
Because, maybe one day it will help you to open your eyes and your heart and you come back down to earth. I would really wish you that.
Have a little empathy with yourself.
Good bye